#i've been having these symptoms since then

[blueraith]

"How could Vi not notice her sister is suicidal?!"

I feel like people who ask this question have a fundamentally immature understanding of depression and suicidal thoughts/actions, and how the two affect people OUTSIDE of the person suffering from these conditions. Perhaps you guys are young, and you don't know how to view this matter outside of yourselves and your own perception, but it is tragically common for people to miss seemingly "obvious" details that lead up to a loved one's suicide. "I didn't notice anything was wrong" is about one of the most common refrains you'll hear after the fact.

Let’s also remember that Vi does not actually know all of Jinx's emotional tells or signs of an impending episode. She is confused each and every time Jinx goes through one and almost always unintentionally triggers her. This because it's been SEVEN FUCKING YEARS since they've seen, spoken to, or lived together.

Neither Jinx or Vi actually know the current versions of each other very well, it's one of the reasons they keep hurting each other, and part of the tragedy of their relationship.

Look, I have depression. I've had it since I was about 15 or so. I can recall self-isolating or worse and assuming my parents or friends or a teacher would notice and rush to my aid or something.

Never happened. Because depression isn't always a very obvious condition. People mask in different ways, and not always with the conscious intention to hide their symptoms. Sometimes, people with depression mask simply because it makes it slightly easier to get through the day. Jinx's case would likely be even more difficult to spot because of the manic side of her condition.

I ended up getting the bulk of my care taken care of as an adult. Mostly because I could finally advocate for myself and I also realized that NO ONE is going to notice the more alarming symptoms of my own depression better than me.

This is not to say that you can't have a support network. Or that members of that support network WON'T spot something you've overlooked from time-to-time.

But Vi is not Jinx's support network. (Arguably Sevika is far better placed for that.) She might have gotten there eventually if Act 2 hadn't ended the way that it had, but that dream of the sisters being able to recreate their lost family was shattered and the progress they were making in getting to know each other halted at Jinx's realization that she needed to leave for Vi to move on.

I don't know, it's like some of you expect everyone in your lives or in other, unrelated media to have a 13 Reasons Why style reaction any time someone shows symptoms of suicidal thoughts or actions, or when one occurs. This is almost an absurd thing to expect out of anyone unfamiliar with what depression or suicidal thoughts actually look like. Like, if you're American, this idea that everyone everywhere is familiar with what a mental health crisis looks like is even more tragically farcical because we can't even admit that poor mental health is an aspect of mass shootings here as a society and culture.

And y'all expect the ex-con stuffed into a box since the age of 15 or so to be able to just instantly spot that her sister--again whose symptoms she's very obviously not familiar with--is going through a crisis event?

Like, damn, no one in this fandom is cut more slack than Jinx, and this entire criticism of Vi makes that more clear than any other. It's a position ironically devoid of any and all empathy, probably because y'all spent it all on Jinx, and assumes a sort of selfishness and coldness towards Vi that is in no way, shape, or form supported by canon.

It's honestly an argument that I dismiss entirely the moment a person attempts to make it. Largely because I am exhausted of how hypocritical this aspect of the famdom becomes towards Vi. Jinx's actions are a large part of the reason Vi sinks into alcoholism. She then proceeds to taunt Vi about it in the mines as if Vi's pain is nothing to her.

I NEVER hear anyone talk about that. It's almost always about how Vi should have done better. How Vi hurt Jinx. How Vi wasn't good enough.

It's some Grade A, Bonafide Bullshit™

Vi and Jinx were never going to ride off into the sunset together. If that is something you thought was going to happen and are now irrationally blaming Vi for because you're disappointed....? I don't know what to tell you. I personally thought it was pretty obvious that they were Doomed Siblings in this storyline and any potential, permanent reconciliation between them may happen in some far off sequel project or not at all.

[crazyalien87]

gender dysphoria is not the same as anorexia or bulimia. liposuction doesn't work for eating disorders since they will always want to be skinnier. or something idk why i should have to know about every single mental disorder that gets compared to gender dysphoria by biased, uneducated fools. has a liposuction ever cured a eating disorder or at least reduced the symptoms? no. but medical transitioning works for most gender dysphoric people to reduce or even eliminate their dysphoria. also, trans people usually have to go to therapy for several months to a year at least before they can even medically transition. a good therapist would help them deal with their body issues and anything else to get rid of their dysphoria before continuing with medical treatment. yes, trans people and gender dysphoria are understudied due to bias against them and mental health in general. but that doesn't mean that hormones and surgeries that have been done for many decades are too dangerous for anyone to get them.

maybe if gender dysphoria was actually studied more and from an unbiased lens, we could know why it is often different from other "body dysphorias" (did you mean dysmorphia?). maybe it is because those with eating disorders want to become unhealthily underweight, whereas gender dysphoric ppl want to go from one healthy state to another. or maybe it is because those with eating disorders and body dysmorphia have a skewed perspective of their body (those with anorexia think they are way fatter than they are and those with body dysmorphia either perceive a bodily "flaw" that they don't have or they see it in an exaggerated way), whereas those with gender dysphoria see it as it is. a trans woman is not being delusional when she sees she has a masculine jaw.

are gender identities just a fantasy, or something stemming from gender dysphoria (or you saying you should hurt a mentally ill person a purpose? nah of course not). AGAIN, gender dysphoria is NOT DELUSIONS (yet you act like you are smarter than me somehow...). Also, when did I say I supported people "forcing their gender identities" on anyone? Let me lay it out for your annoying ass. I think it is reasonable to refer to trans ppl as the pronouns of whatever the fuck they pass as. I also think it is reasonable for trans ppl to not come out to too many ppl b4 they pass as the opposite sex (obviously they have ti come out to doctors and psychiatrists tho). I also think that having to call a non-passing, non-dysphoric trans woman she is ridiculous. what happened to trans women boymoding until they can pass and go stealth? vice versa for trans men. nonbinary ppl can be a bit more complicated, but it shouldn't be difficult for others to refer them as they and avoid using sexed terms for them when around them.

I know what I'm talking about, I've been in lgbt spaces online for several years, I've been a tucute, a truscum, a gender critical, a terf, and a tirf.

why should i accept trans people "as they are" if they couldn't accept themselves as they were born? and don't tell me that "they accept themselves, they were just born in the wrong body and the wrong gender», sperm is not a dumb idiot like you, open a biology textbook and find out why the hell you were born the way you were born

[not-too-many-eyes]

Regarding Bella's Existence

(Also Known as: Nott is really tired of people repeating a very big misconception regarding their relationship that gets denied in the text itself, and decided to make a post about it in the hopes people stop repeating it)

I've been planning to write about Semmelweis for a while now. She's one of my personal favorite characters, and I have a lot of thoughts regarding her, her background, and her beliefs. However I was waiting for a future Series of Dusks update to happen before writing that post so that I could write something comprehensive and resolved.

However, I've been routinely annoyed in seeing the same misconception be repeated again and again about Semmelweis and Bella's relationship whenever I look into here, YouTube comments, or having the misfortune of deciding to look at the Discord for some reason.

That misconception being the idea that Bella is just a very sentient hallucination.

The Report Now, let's get the easy part of this explanation out of the way as to why Bella Isn't a Hallucination. That being this is something that gets directly addressed, and denied in text, multiple times in fact! The first is in A Series of Dusks Part 2 "Second-Class Citizen:"

Semmelweis: Whoever you are. I have a poor opinion of things that try to interfere with my mind. Bella: Ah, so you think I'm a result of the Beyond Disease? Just another hallucination, a nightmare Bella: But you've read the reports. So you know what this really is, you know that Miss Klara's Arcane Skill lets you glimpse at your inner self Bella: Your not a fool, my dear. Do you still want to deny the truth right before your eyes? Semmelweis: ... Bella: It is an extraordinary ability, wouldn't you agree? Bella: And for one so accustomed to deceiving everyone, even yourself. It proves dangerously effective.

This is a direct denial of the idea Bella is a hallucination. Kakania's Arcane Skill lets one look into their inner world in great detail. As it so so happens, Semmelweis' inner world has her and Bella as the main tenants of it. Bella might have even been there since she was a child. We don't know, we just know she didn't come into existence because of the Beyond Syndrome.

However, Semmelweis is In Denial that Bella is real, and has been inside of her for god knows how long at this point, which leads to me to the second time that the text denies that Bella is a hallucination. Which is in Part 6 of A Series of Dusks, Fate in the Mirror:

Bella: The Storm Syndrome this time is so much more fun that the previous ones, wouldn't you agree? Bella appears at Semmelweis' side, she seems so much more real than ever before. Semmelweis: I wish I could share your perspective. However, uninvited hallucinations are not included in the symptoms of the Storm Syndrome this time. Bella: If only it were that, no, you can see me precisely because the Beyond's bloodline is already altering your mind. Bella: It's a change that brings tearing and reorganization. And it seems like I am one such part that is being torn out. Bella: And as a part of you. I believe I have the right to object to your behavior.

Semmelweis calls her a hallucination again after this, because both her and Bella have a really bad case of Internalized Ableism, but again, Bella denies that she's here because of the Beyond Disease. Actually quite the opposite, she says she's here because the Beyond Disease Wants Her Gone. She's a part of Semmelweis that is being deemed "unwanted" by the disease.

Which leads me to Part 7, Waves and Notes. While it initially seems like Lorelei's words here about how Semmelweis is "talking to herself" would destroy the idea Bella isn't a hallucination and it's actually Bella who's in denial of her own existence. It doesn't really.

There's two possible explanations to it actually, the worse, boring one that I don't like as much which is "The Bella here is a hallucination" which tracks if you take Semmelweis meeting Bella in the therapist room as the actual Bella based on her going "I didn't expect we would meet again under these circumstances," and tracks with Semmelweis Actually Hallucinating Bella in her Ancedote and using her as a soundboard for her fears (we will get to this later.) However, this goes against both how that is Visually showcased in her Ancedote, how Semmelweis' hallucinations Usually go, and causes more internal hiccups with what happens before that scene, and Lorelei says Afterwards, than the second, more fun explanation does, which is that it acts as a resolution to Semmelweis' own denial of Bella's existence, and Bella's own internalized ableism.

It's not something that's drawn much attention to, but Bella Really Hates the idea of seeming "insane" and trusting anyone who seems "insane."

Bella: You don't believe these two lunatics, do you? Bella: You think you're taking back control. But all your doing is handing over your fate from the Foundation to these two crazed Arcanists.

It's a fear Bella expresses in Fate in the Mirror. That ultimately Sememlweis is losing the safety provided by the Foundation for something that won't help her at all in the end.

This might seem contradictory with how she acted with Semmelweis in Second-Class Citizen but it's actually internally consistent with Bella's two main goals. Which is that she wants Semmelweis to be Honest with Herself about what she actually wants, and she wants Semmelweis to be Safe. To Bella, the Foundation is safer than the two "insane" arcanists. So she roots for Semmelweis to go back to the Foundation.

Due to this mistrust in the mentally ill, and possibly other reasons such as Semmelweis repressing and not acknowledging her existence, and calling her a hallucination at every turn even though Bella Knows she isn't, lack of proper medical care and literature (we know Very Well Semmelweis has had bad experiences with Doctors,) etc. Bella has checked the two of them out of the "insane mentally ill people" box.

Despite Semmelweis actually experincing hallucinations, despite being able to recognize that people usually can't see or hear her, calling her and Semmelweis "the same person" like- 30 minutes ago in the game's time, and despite knowing that her existence resembles that of a hallucination. Bella is acting as if her existence is just a normal part of life and not- I dunno- the most well known symptom of a dissociative disorder.

So when Lorelei outright says that Semmelweis has been talking to herself. It disturbs that perception. It's a logic error in her perspective of herself and Semmelweis that she's only noticed due to it being called out and it freaks her out.

Notice, Lorelei never says that Bella is a hallucination. And actually she acknowledges Bella as a Person, or at the very least "A Part" of Semmelweis.

Lorelei: You must learn to accept all parts of yourself, rational and emotional. Both... Lorelei: Semmelweis and Bella. (...) Lorelei: How else could I know your names, my dears? Semmelweis & Bella: No, that can't be! Lorelei: Why do you refuse to accept what you are, my little musical note? Lorelei: You are a beautiful composition. Why should you tear yourself apart?

She wants Semmelweis to reconcile the divide between herself, her mental state, and her and Bella. Which finally resolves at the end of this part where Semmelweis goes:

Bella: I see. Then no one can change your mind. You're always like this. Semmelweis: We're always like this.

Semmelweis uses Plural Pronouns here because she has Acknowledged Bella as an Actual Person and Not a Hallucination. Thus showcasing her coming to some terms with her mental illneses- so can I call Bella an alter already? Have I convinced people enough that Bella is not a Hallucination? ...Okay not yet, because there is still the elephant in the room.

The Third Circumstance

In the The Third Circumstance we get to see Semmelweis actually hallucinate Bella! And also Valentina! They are here trying to goad her into drinking the blood of innocents, and to do murders.

Now, this seems kinda bad for my arguments on two levels, that being Bella is here as a hallucination, and the second being that if I Say this is Bella and not a hallucination then it feeds into the idea of Bella being an "evil alter." But I actually have a very simple argument that cuts through that.

They don't use Bella's sprite to represent here here.

This is a really weird detail. They have Bella's sprite, they've been using it for every single one of her appearances, and Valentina's sprite is being used.

So why not use Bella's sprite?

Well it's simple, that is actually hallucination Bella, and her sprite is deliberately not being not being used to showcase that Semmelweis’ fears still haven’t been fully quelled.

Because Semmelweis, despite choosing to become a vampire, is still afraid of what that could Mean. The Ancedote is showing her denying her actual dietary needs out of fear of what that blood drinking could represent.

We know she gets over this fear, after all, she jokes about it with Vertin in the Suitcase.

Semmelweis, Bond-Morning: I admit, I am glad to find you seldom invite others to share breakfast here. Personally, I find myself more comfortable drinking blood when you and I are alone… Oh, do relax, I prepared a salad today, no blood bags involved.

And her uh- entire fighting style is centered around blood. She's grown accustomed to herself, and has learned how to manage and take care of herself.

Similarly, Semmelweis is at the point where she’s resolved to accept her “madness” but is afriad what that could mean. Her hallucinations are written to reflect that fear, beforehand they were mostly persecutory hallucinations involving her in danger or being treated badly in some way. Now she’s afraid of what she might do to others, her poor diatery habits making the problem worse.

The point we see Semmelweis in at her anecdote is her at a regression. She's made the choice but the implications of that choice are now weighing on her. We even see Semmelweis repersent herself as "The Field Agent" as the first hallucination ends.

Plus, the portrayal of Bella is just- internally inconsistent.

Again, Bella's most important goals is for Semmelweis to be Honest and Safe, and she was actively against Semmelweis becoming a vampire. Bella has been shown to Not Like Valentina much, and is not exactly someone who would:

Valentina & Bella: You need blood, just a little taste. Then we won't bother you anymore, we'll lie at your feet like faithful hounds.

When Bella is acknowledged to be as stubborn as Semmelweis is.

At the very least, I distinctly doubt she'd encourage Semmelweis shooting a child, and drink his blood in the middle of the day where people can see her. She'd tell her to do it in secret where the Foundation wouldn't notice-

Though, to just put another nail into the coffin into that idea. We actually Meet Bella in the suitcase.

When you play the audio for Semmelweis' Insight 2 Voiceline she has two different animations depending on whether it's her or Bella.

Indicating that it's a different person talking.

The first part of the voice line is actually a reference to the base ending of A Series of Dusks "A Wish Granted." And in that first part Bella says that she's finally back, and is glad to see her wish (Semmelweis being honest and safe.) Having come true. Implying that she hasn't been talking to Semmelweis much since A Series of Dusks.

Really it's implied that usually Bella and Semmelweis don't communicate much with each other, which is part of why Semmelweis hasn't acknowledged her 'till now. But that goes into some stuff that hasn't been revealed in Global yet so I won't discuss it in detail.

So...yeah! Stop calling Bella a Hallucination when the game has stated and shown Multiple Times that she isn't! Semmelweis has Hallucinations but Bella is Not One Of Them!

[bat-the-misfit]

(TW: depression, animal illness and death)

as someone who was diagnosed with depression years ago i wouldn't be surprised if my psychiatrist suspected i am depressed again

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

guys please pray for me

[neversetyoufree]

Gnawing at the bars of my cage wondering what personal hatred Olivier is referring to here.

Does he mean hatred is "the reason he's standing here now" as in it's the reason he's reached his current point in life? The reason he's stayed with the chasseurs and become a paladin? Or does he mean "the reason he's standing here now" as in the reason he's still alive?

He brings up his own relationship to hatred in the context of people clinging to it for their very survival, but he also dismisses his own feelings as "trivial," so I can see an argument for either way.

Olivier sees himself in pre-trauma Astolfo, which means he must have grown up relatively privileged and comfortable. The tiny glimpse we've seen of his childhood seems to support that. What desperate straits did he end up in that forced him to rely on hatred? Was it despite or because of that privilege? Despite or because of his involvement with the chasseurs? He doesn't seem that intense in his hatred for vampires (not relative to some other chasseurs, anyway), and we've yet to see him express particular dislike for anyone besides when he got into a fight with Gano over cruelty to Astolfo, so it could be almost anyone that he's talking about here.

I was never that interested in Olivier before these chapters came out, but MAN I'm curious about his history now.

[kindnessoverperfection]

Lately, when I talk about someone I strongly disagree with, I think about my friends.

When I interact with someone who regularly rants about people, and tends to take things in the worst ways (without any attempts at self-reflection or grace), I feel more on-edge. I'm nervous to voice opinions. I'm always over-thinking everything I send them, worried about how they'll receive it.

On the other hand, I feel much safer during conversations where someone is speaking neutrally about those they feel at conflict with. When they feel upset about a situation, but without talking aggressively about the other person. Because I know that if we're ever in a disagreement, or have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, they won't hurt me or suddenly hate me*.

I used to speak much more aggressively about people. My personality disorders, combined with online toxic environments, were big factors in that. I was stressed and angry constantly, and I felt justified, and I felt afraid and ashamed to respond with anything but anger. But to make a long story short, I had several big painful interpersonal experiences where I realized how my attitude was impacting my friends.

I remember the nervousness in my friends' eyes. I remember the people I've met who are much older and never grew out of that reactive communication style, and I don't want to be that person. I want my loved ones to feel safe around me.

So nowadays, I do my best to speak compassionately (or at least neutrally). Because I want to signal to my friends that I'm not going to be cruel to them, or to automatically believe the worst of them, during a conflict or misunderstanding. I try to vent about situations and my fears instead of people.

I wish I'd realized this before.

*(I discuss splitting in the tags)

[silvermoon424]

i'm so tired.

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all! Weird question time, but let me preface it by saying these are not symptoms I am currently experiencing and also I have talked to doctors about this, I just didn't think to put the two things together For all the migraine havers out there, do you have tachycardia when you have migraines? Either like during the whole migraine, or only with migraines bad enough to cause stomach issues?

[sysig]

Finally made a Parapluesch OC, introducing Mama Oz ♥ (Patreon)

[umemiyan]

sometimes having a body SUCKS why can't we just be floating brains or disembodied heads like in futurama. and maybe we could attach ourselves to our to bodies at will when we wanna fuck or eat something good

[baejax-the-great]

Inspired by a bizarre argument I had on reddit,

I think the question comes down to whether the word "treatment" encompasses strategic behaviors for lessening negative outcomes that result from ADHD symptoms or if treatments are meant to alleviate the symptoms themselves.

[thedreadvampy]

think I figured out why I've been in a full trauma trigger state for the last week+ and iiiiiiit is embarrassing

it's because I went on a nice date that I enjoyed

and in the background without even TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT my brain decided to start freaking the fuck out about the inevitability of abuse and the essential harm I do by existing in the world. but like. in the background. to the degree that I have at most been vaguely aware that that's even a thought process I was having let alone that it was what was distressing me.

but I have laid out some timelines of when I entered 24/7-panic-attack mode and it lines up precisely to going home after a nice date. for fuck's sake.

trauma is stupid and emotions are dumb. and if trauma shit is going to fuck up my whole week my brain could at least have the good grace to tell me what I'm upset about.

[ihamtmus]

aghh i have acute tracheitis wow am i glad i went to see the doctor after all

[crispycreambacon]

Maybe I am autistic.......

[steinbit]

aughhoug h h .. . .. i've been SOO sick since wednesday.. . .