#i have no reason to smile anymore
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(TW: depression, animal illness and death)
as someone who was diagnosed with depression years ago i wouldn't be surprised if my psychiatrist suspected i am depressed again
#i mean i know the symptoms from experience#i've been living a terrible life since 2020#i've been having these symptoms since then#i myself wouldn't be surprised#all i know is that i want help urgently and can't wait to ask her to save me bc god doesn't give a fuck ab me#bc i'm so fucking tired and i'm almost sure this cat will die as well#and i'm tired of my dear cats all dying one after the other#i get scared whenever i hear about cancer or someone saying their cat is sick#i'm so fucking traumatized by these past years of my life#i'm taking four pills every day and it isn't working#i'm still crying and panicking every day bc of my cat#if at least i had smth to distract my mind but no god took away everything that made me smile#the sims my will to write stories my friends my cats!!#i have no reason to smile anymore#hoje o tio morcego nĆ£o tĆ” de bom humor
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(non gabe related clip)
voted most informative stream on twitch
Source
#im posting this not only to inform#but to implant the idea of gabe in short shorts#thank you in advance to any artists who are receiving this subtle messaging#sorry for the lack of posting. my coworkers are addicted to standing behind me which means i cant edit much#also sorry if the subtitles are a bit weird im using davinci's auto subs#because i really do not have the time to do it by hand anymore#I do go through and fix them a little cause the timing is usually a bit off#perhaps one day people will get bored of standing behind me for no reason#smiles.#non voice post#video
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what if i put my life in your hands? what if i took your life in mine?
#okay look there's a reason i've been obsessed with this scene for 21 slutty slutty years#imagine for a second you're yue#your masterāwhom you loved more than your own existenceādecided his work was finished and didn't need you anymore#and he pushed you into the dark where you slept for centuries until a little girl woke you up by sheer dumb luck#you now are trapped in this horrible new era where everything is too loud and too fast and too bright#you're also trapped in a body that isn't yours jockeying for room with a completely separate soul that you don't know or particularly like#and you're draining your meager stores of magic to the dregs in order to keep the two of you alive#under the surface of tsukishiro yukito you're drowningāand the both of you are fading away entirely#and then this boy#pulls you to the surface of yourself#and says with his whole heart 'i won't let you disappear'#he smiles at you and teases you and then pours his not inconsiderable power into you#and you take and you take and you take and he never says stop#he never says only a little but no more#he holds you close and lets you sup on the very marrow of his magic until there's nothing left and he's simply an ordinary human#and for the first time in centuriesāperhaps everāyou feel full#when you finally step away and ease his unconscious body onto the bed as gently as you can manage#you murmur that you ought to thank him#but it's such an inadequate way to convey your gratitude#how do you give thanks for what you've made him lose?#you put your life in his hands and he cradled it as if it were precious... and then he gave you his own in return#in the world before this one you would have been as good as wed#you thumb the swell of his cheek and allow yourself one last look at your would-be husband#and then turn around to face the threat behind the door#as it creaks open to reveal a little body wracked with sobs you think you would face anything that would dare come for him or his sister#not because it is your duty as the guardian of the cards#but because you love them#touya/yue#ccs#yue
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human(?)formers wavewave teehee. um don't hit readmore if u don't like some RLLY scribbled gorish (ā¼ļø) anatomy. nothing rlly detailed, tumblr takes my quality of already low quality art & gargles it with pebbles & rocks so it's not like. terrible but. ( the gore, not my art LOL) but still! hiding it under here just incase! take a peek if u like
tortured genius, literally, LOL -- read in soundwave's monotone
#'they sans undertaled the senator sir.' i whisper into bill clintons ear#hes like a mix up of different bodies kinda and a little bit of him#but he has a big deer skull with what was his stretched flesh burned over & taped onto it for good measure#it also has lil human teeths embedded into the skin but um quality. died so. now theyre just blobs LOL dont even look for them tbh#he has some random duplicates of parts in places they sometimes shouldnt be like multiple spinal columns#but hes missing a heart#ppl seeing shockwave in transformers is like when nosferatu showed up in spongebob to flicker the lights for no reason#meaning it's just the regular ol thing for unbothered king soundwave#just stare up at this giant hulking looming mass of decay and infested rot & smile#as his voicebox soundbox boombox at his neck says in the most deadpan autotuned tone#' shitwave . '#and shockwaves leans over. bugs falling his frayed crevices. and says#' dont be so harsh on yourself shitwave.'#and then they fucking kill each other#and then make out#monster fucker?#nuh uh. monSTAR fucker !!#starscream throws up and megatron thinks abt how he fumbled optimus for this sad miserable life#i dont wanna clog the tags anymore than i already have so ill maybe make a post abt their designs more indepth lates maybe#transformers#humanformers#cw: gore#maccadam#soundwave#shockwave#wavewave#sketch#tf#tf cyberverse#tf earthspark
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how I felt being held back in class by my english teacher, thinking she was gonna yell at me for not doing my homework (like other teachers, mostly my english ones) and then she somehow validates me without meaning to and actually speaks kindly to me?? like I'm sorry what??? I've never had a teacher actually see right through me like that? like, holy shit.. I guess I'm actually gonna like english this year >,<
#karmaajr rambles#also besides thursdays#thursdays i have a different teacher#my year 7 teacher actually#i hate her#lol i hate most my english teachers#in my over a decade worth of schooling#i have likes ONE english teacher (and my english tutor but shes a uni student who tutors for money so im not sure it counts)#well now its two i suppose :ā)#tbh its mostly bcuz they think im not applying myself#like im trying i swear#seriously#i am trying#i am#anyways ye ive ended most of my years in skl with my english teacher thinking im a lost hope :D#my best friend was actually surprised (and happy!) that i like our new teacher#she gave me that smile#like the āim rlly proud of youā type smile with adoring eyes and omg#istg the reason i used to crush on her was EXACTLY that#but luckily i dont anymore#anyways i gotta stop talking here#BYE YALL#love you to any moots who actually bother to read this!
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yumeyume 0909 is killing me a lil actually
#songberry#lets forget about me for now; i wish to hear more about you. there are so many things for you to tell meā so go aheaad and start#i think alot happenedā but right now i cant remember them anymore#i cant seem to recall you name. or ratherā i never knew your name to begin with....#even though i never called for youā you were always beside me#then shall i think of a name for you? how about dream? cuteā huh? now whenever i sleepā ill be able to meet you#when i met youā i smiledā criedā became strongerā and felt helplessā but you granted me as many dreams as i wished#i have finally realised that i was never alone. the reason i was able to walk this far is that you have always been smiling beside me#... this song is rlly meltyland nightmare coded actually. from blue girl pov...#anyway they wont make this his cover song. but itd work so well id cry
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#AND leave your reasoning/arguments behind what you picked in the tags if you have any. this is a very serious topic!!!!#also these are the Official titles of the images to me. like I will reference ''gordon ramsay big hammer'' as a full title#kind of like how that one weird image of a cat from an old painting is just called ''blort cat'' to me#and some of my friends know what I mean when I say ''blort cat''#polls#i know gordon ramsay isn't even like a funny meme topic anymore (kind of like how 2014 or something was the last time#anyone cared about guy fieri in a joking way or etc. or how it was popular to make fun of bendecit cumbperatbs for a while#or etc. etc. These images are NOT about gordon ramsay The Man#theyre more about the Essence. the vibe they portray. If you get it you get it..)#these are two different people with two different energies.. 'big hammer' is stern.. focused.. confident. quietly threatening#'rather large knife' is shorter in stature and less imposing but still smugly wielding his weapon. vibing. a nonchalant smile with a hint#of pain somewhere underneath. Big Hammer is more agile and sprightly but Rather Large Knife could hit harder#and block better with his enormous blade. etc. etc. so on and so forth
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#vent tag#alright I donāt know why Iām venting on main but if I keep screaming into the void Iāll only fuel my self destructiveness#this is kinda hard to read so uh warnings ahead#tw sh related#so um. I broke the promise I made to myself at 12#I cut all over my wrists. Iāve been cutting for years but told myself Iād never reach the wrists because that wouldāve been my breaking poi#well.#Iāve reached it.#Iāve reached the breaking point#I keep pushing through doing everything thatās asked of me and not complaining z#with a smile. because better times are coming and I am the change I need#yadda yadda#try to stay positive because my life can be so great#but then I stay home.#with the source of all of my negativity.#and refuse to elaborate on it to my loved ones. because i already do it too much#and so many things happen to every single one of my friends all the time. so I have no right to talk#because itās too much. and it only makes people feel all too bad for comfort#but Iām tired.#so much happens to me all the time too#even if itās not as apparent as it can be#so I cut. and I keep stewing in my self hatred. and I keep shouldering what my parents tell me.#my father has been making it Very hard for me lately. heās almost always the reason I cut these days#of course itās not only him but thatās not the point#I keep hurting myself over and over because I canāt keep it together anymore#but I have to. my parents need me#my friends need me#I need myself to do the things I have to do#ā¦.friends now.#I have almost nobody.
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||. i remember when he used to smile a lot...
#(ok i'm going to bed i have an early day tomorrow)#(but gosh i just aaaa remember in 2011 when he'd smile a whole lot and be a big baby)#(so cute...)#(he doesn't smile like that anymore...)#(he doesn't have any reason to post!rag/snap)#(esp not in canon when jane dies but i'm still electing to ignore that canon)#( ooc . ) ā stories that leap from the page .
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venting so much i ran out of tags lmao
#i think im hallucinating ?????#i have my headphones on (listening to boyfeel on repeat n choppin up some paper)#and keep feeling / seeing shadows in my peripheral vision#im probably just dehydrated and having bad floaters but i dont like it :)#today has also been bad dramatically awful#life isn't serious there's no reason to feel this heavy#oop very emo thoughts incoming#life can't be meaningful or ill miss my parents too much but can't be meaningless or im living without them for nothing#im just. struggling very hard this year. idk#i had so much health bullshit going on for months that i put off going to a psych n now im so busy that it feels bad taking time off for it#and im also scared of getting on meds bc the idea of being dependent on something that i might not have access to is.. auuughhh#idk dude my adhd has been debilitating lately and i feel so stuck and sometimes i think i have ocd bc my compulsions are so fucking bad and#all my mental bullshit with my breathing has slowly been driving me wild and peaks my anxiety#and sometimes i worry abt being bipolar bc my mom's mom is and my mom's best friend told me she thought my mom might have been#bc the way my moods are so low or so high is exhausting it feels like i haven't had a ānormalā day in so long#but also atp when im happy i feel manic bc idk how to healthily experience happiness anymore#idfk y'all !!!! im also very nonverbal these days#ugh and still going back n forth on telling my therapist ive been suicidal again bc i dont want him to have to report me or anything idk#a few months ago i made a joke about offing myself and he got rly serious n said he'd have to take action if im serious so im leaning no#like. i wouldnt actually kill myself. i just don't want to exist sometimes in this life#its just been very very very very very very very very very very very very very very hard lately without my parents or grandma#and even after all these years it's still heartwrenching to think about continuing to live this life without them#like. i just want to make them laugh. i just want to feel their arms around me in a warm hug. i just want to dance to their favorite songs.#i don't want to think of them and see their dead bodies anymore. i want to remember them healthy and smiling.#i would take care of them again in every lifetime but fuck dude. i just want to remember their good days instead of the end. can i please#please fucking invision them at their best. i want to remember the dad that played baseball and video games and whose laugh filled the room#i want to remember my grandma who was so sassy but kind. whose button nose crinkled when she smiled. who taught me to happily be dramatic#i don't want to remember them being frail. i want to forget the frustration i saw in their eyes. i want to forget seeing them struggle#(insert sadness about not remembering my mom at all)#just. fuck dude. my life is simple and i am safe so i shouldn't complain. but things feel so fucking hard sometimes. i feel so heartbroken
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Lol I have totk blocked cuz it started to overwhelm me and so my dash is just covered in block content
#smiles rambles#also this is a good time to ask people to tag things correctly#i have the tags blocked for a reason#and thatās cuz I donāt want to see anymore totk content until it actually comes out#thank you
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Ok becoming an adult is understanding why it's rude to be a housemate who hides from their other housemates and never speaks to them
#idk if she has social anxiety or some other reason why she hides from us. and like i DO get it bc my social anxiety is severe as well#but it's so awkward living with someone who wont speak to u and avoids u and lives in a room directly off the communal room / kitchen š#we dont chill in the communal room anymore bc we're worried itll stop her if she wants to leave / use the toilet or something#which has made us less social with each other šš#like we DON'T have to be friends just smile and say hello... dont make me feel terrible bc ive been cooking for ages#and when i finally finish eating and go up to my room you creep out to piss omfg š
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it only lasted like 5 pages but I really prefer dustfinger's scars being disfiguring rather than "drawn on with a pencil"
#meggie being like 'looks like you got attacked by godzilla' then 'i didnt mean that' when shes less pissed at him later#i WOULD have accepted that as part of meggie's coming-of-age and learning she needs to not be a bitch about people's appearances#except that everyone else in the series from then on agrees w her that the scars are barely noticeable#boring!!!!#would have been nice for her to be like 'yeah you healed rough (i mean. as well as expected considering you probably had 6 total stitches)#but im growing up out of practical isolation and learning that facial differences dont play a part in whether someone is good or bad:-)'#WHICH!! is a belief i would expect from someone who loves roald dahl and jekyll n hyde which she does#whatever ms funke does have a problem with equating happy endings with being abled and ~looking normal~#resa getting her voice back bc shes good but cockerall getting a limp bc hes bad and darius losing his stutter for some reason#violante's skin clearing up bc people realize shes a sweetheart but balbulus losing a hand when we realize he sucks#and dustfinger's fkcing scars changing in severity depending on whether hes the good guy or bad guy in the scene#bleh#i also headcanon he has p bad nerve damage aint no way basta cut so deeply he looked freshly gored for months afterward#and still has full use of his facial muscles#meggie's like 'never seen anyone that smiles like he does' girl the bottom half of his face is not connected to the top anymore hes trying#also good explanation for why hes always touching his face if he cant fkcing feel it#dustfinger#inkheart#im gonna try so hard to make more inkheart posts i literally feel grief in my heart seeing that person say#they havent thought about it in years#it's my sole responsibility to fix this#says kenna
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to the person who has "NSFT / KINK DNI YOU WILL BE BLOCKED AND REPORTED" on their main's pinned alongside forms of bigotry and para people, but just went on a reblog spree on here for their sideblog: ?????????????????????????? be serious for one (1) second.
#sorry not sorry but. i've had enough experience w people who say 'KINK IS EVIL' on main but then have a side blog for it.#i can imagine A Situation where there might be a good reason for the hypocrisy#but. any time 'friends' have been publicly 'i'll report kink ppl' but had a sideblog for it it's never been for pleasant reasons.#it's always been for 'end a friendship' reasons. smile. so i'd rather just not deal w it anymore full-stop if it isn't someone i can trust.#this is also ignoring the fact that i'm on their dni but they're interacting w me anyway which is super uncomfortable in either case.#(tbc: if it was just 'i don't want nsft interaction on this blog' i wouldn't be making this post -- it's the putting nsft & kink alongside#forms of bigotry and para shit and saying they'll report nsft / kink blogs on main but having a nsft side that's ringing alarm bells.#at minimum they don't respect other nsft bloggers and are willing to break their boundaries and throw them under the bus.)#š [ my posts. ]#š [ my thoughts. ]
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Hey, you, jet lover
https://www.tumblr.com/erisenyo/716246320813359104
This is a formal submission for you to AT LEAST bully jet in the fic, if you're not going to kill him. I mean, look tƱat those eyebrows, he deserves to be bullied
-Fragile heart
If I could change my URL to Jet lover I would. I adore that fucking crazy guy & idc who knows!
& your formal submission is noted but I also think Ara beat you to it in RIA:
She waved her hand around Jet like she was swatting away a swarm of flies. āYou and your stupid smile, and your weird eyebrows. I am not interested in youā¦ Youāre like twelve.ā
But who knows, there could always be more ;)
Love you FHA!
#I have your other ask half answers#the one where youāre yelling at me#& Iām smiling because itās nice you care so much#but Iām always squishing your face between my hands and telling you#weāre besties and nothing is going to change that#anon or not :)#but also I donāt want to post anymore of the ānegative commentā asks#even though ALL OF YOU that send me asks being super nice are wonderful#I cherish yāall#& you are the reason Iām posting the next chapter#& not hiding out in my corner with my three friends#seriously thank you FHA#you are one of the good ones#but yeah Ara fucking roasted Jet already#but it could happen again haha#depends on a few different things#(like Jet staying alive haha)#ok well Iām going to go and post this stupid thing#fragile heart anon#FHA#I love you bestie#liab#RIA#ask
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Wee ha
#Arright here I go again I gotta do some of these when I gotta vent#posting this on the 17th of August#So the elestral thing is going alright. My focus has shifted a LOT there but I'm still working with em#But the majority of my work comes from another client now. It's another one of these things that I'd love to make by myself#But someone else is making it and wanting me to do the art and music. It's gonna be huge. What a life it is. Anyway#This gif is from yet another project I started recently. Separate from Smile More HoaM and anything else. I keep fucking doing this#But this one's strange. It reflects my current working skills I've built up all these years. A multimedia experience that has a start n end#featuring all your favourite elphame characters in a new style. I'm enjoying making it but there's one problem#I haven't worked on it in like a month and a half#Work is piling up. Pixel art is something I don't do for myself anymore#It's not even a case of āas soon as I have time to myself my fingers can't move" it's that I just do not have any spare time lmao#I meet Ashley once or twice a week. We still play digimon a lot but we're taking this month off since she's petsitting and can't go out lat#My flatmate has basically taken the summer off work since his job pays well enough for him to do so#so having him around to play games with is nice. Feels awkward taking baths with him in the house tho lmao#He is kind of the only reason I take breaks. I got pikmin 4 and it is incredible. Genuinely might have replaced Digimon World as 1st place#Mum took Andy and I to Netherlands recently. It was incredible. I played in a local digimon tournament and ate shit#Have just been so excited about travelling lately. Ashy taking me to manchester soon and I think we'll go london next spring or sooner#Worried I'm overdoing it with the tags so I'll sign off here. Work is stressing me out but it looks like big things are happening.#OH MY GOD I HAVE STOPPED BLEEDING BTW. Like almost altogether. Haven't in like a month. The trick is in the big box I rest my feet on.#It's too tall. I tried replacing it with a pile of folders half as tall and my bleeding fucking stopped. No crohn's disease or anything.#Just a big stupid fucking box. Anyway see you
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