#whereupon i dropped the same pen six times in about 30 seconds | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thedreadvampy · 3 months ago

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think I figured out why I've been in a full trauma trigger state for the last week+ and iiiiiiit is embarrassing

it's because I went on a nice date that I enjoyed

and in the background without even TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT my brain decided to start freaking the fuck out about the inevitability of abuse and the essential harm I do by existing in the world. but like. in the background. to the degree that I have at most been vaguely aware that that's even a thought process I was having let alone that it was what was distressing me.

but I have laid out some timelines of when I entered 24/7-panic-attack mode and it lines up precisely to going home after a nice date. for fuck's sake.

trauma is stupid and emotions are dumb. and if trauma shit is going to fuck up my whole week my brain could at least have the good grace to tell me what I'm upset about.

#red said #the reason it's embarrassing is that it has genuinely been REALLY bad this week #i very nearly ended up hiding under my desk at work. 4 different people have asked if I'm doing ok #i was so dizzy and spaced out that it took me 15 minutes to start a 30 minute meeting #whereupon i dropped the same pen six times in about 30 seconds #also my wrist has been hurting me so fucking bad it's been in a brace for 2 days. which is. inexplicably. a consistent anxiety symptom.#now this might not SOUND like a full on panic attack but the thing to understand is i spent enough of my childhood having them #that i am like. 60% effective at suppressing the obvious symptoms and powering through #and i just get left with the numbness and dizziness and mental incapacity #but the flip side is that they don't go AWAY they last literal days #anyway it's been a wee while since i felt this bad. I'm hoping now I've identified what is going on i might be slightly less AAARGH tomorro

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