#i'm crying even now lol
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shit went down at work today and there's a chance they'll fire me 🙃
#my boss will talk to the ceo tomorrow and it's entirely up to him.......#multiple people at work saw me crying and i was so ashamed i wanted to cry even more lol#i'm just so bad at this job and i hate it but it's so hard to find a job when you dropped out of uni twice#and they pay well and i truly love some of the people there#like my boss expects me to do better (if i won't get fired) and she wants me to propose some improvements#but like. the problem is me. the workload is too much for me and there's no magic way to solve it#and the worst part is i'm so emotionally unstable i can't even talk about it without crying#i'm crying even now lol#and i know if i start crying tomorrow it will only annoy him#and i'm not doing it to seem pitiful i just can't control it at all#godd i'm so tired#i wish i could just cry it out today and then have a serious conversation tomorrow but it doesn't work like that#i had plans today but i start crying every 10 minutes so i just came back home and opened a beer#maybe it will put me to sleep idk#at this point i'm also annoyed with myself#i will let you know how it goes tomorrow 🙃#k.txt#dl#btw please don't try to comfort me because it only makes me cry harder lol i'm just writing to let it all out
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(ID in alt) I literally said I was gonna post this month's ago and then never had the wherewithal to describe it and so I didn't Lmao (said with pain). But since I'm thinking of opening my commissions I figured I should remind ppl that I. Yknow. Can draw.
Lots of Steph here (I had major art block making all of these and my brain worms for her kept me going) + some sprinkles of stephcass for Cass nation to enjoy!
#dc comics#dc#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#jason todd#(yes for the teddy bear. it counts)#batgirl#batgirls#mine#< keep forgetting to tag my art as that I'm terrible 😭#ANYHOW I'm slowly getting back into drawing again after my last ipad got nuked (cant think abt that or ill cry) and i finished uni#oh yeah j finished my first year of uni btw. i went to an Olivia Rodrigo concert like a week or 2 ago. I've been busy lol#but yeah it's looking like I've got a fun summer of bottom feeding ahead of me now that I've officially been told i got passed over for that#-comic job i applied for. lol. lmao even#it's fine honestly it was a pretty daunting prospect i just have to find a way to fill the time by myself now#I've plenty of comics to read so that's nice. got wayyy into mark waids DD run recently (mostly for Chris Samnee's art)#so that's been fun! i have my empowered omnibus (embarrassing and kept under my bed <3) i have TT year 1 i have huntress and WW#uhhh i got flash 1 minute war. lots of good stuff!#so hopefully i don't go. completely feral from lack of stimulation#also hopefully commissions will be a thing i can do#godddd there's many mkre things i want to draw. i got too enamoured w my own bad theory and now I've drawn tim!bats#but unfortunately now i only want to draw tim!bats being laughed at my the batfamily bc seriously tim?? really??#< it's literally probably not going to happen but I've invested myself in this terrible future for some reason#imagine damian trying to robin for tim!bats for 1 (one) night and the next morning he doesn't say anything he just moves to bludhaven#he can't take this shit#oh so many ideas...#ANYWAY. ues. finally art. now if you like it. consider commissioning me (in 2 to 3 business weeks <3)#(no pressure)
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22 more images (with some saucy shenanigans and immature "seduction" tactics towards the end) below the cut:
Ryuk makes his grand return and is brought up to speed with Light and L's immoral union. The date seems pretty successful~.
Next (Mature)
Next (Super Abridged)
Previous
First
Master List
Transcript
#drawn by me#my fanart#my fancomic#Death Note#The Chain#lawlight#Light Yagami#L#Ryuk#smooch#saucy shenanigans#suggestive dialogue#Ryuk third-wheeling~#L meets Light's quirky-deadly roommate#henh not much to say about this one. basically a continuation of the previous entry despite the absurd update gap.#I've lost the ability to keep anything brief anymore~#L seems a bit out of character with his willingness to go with the plan huh? And don't you think he'd have gotten used to Light's teasing b#now? Maybe it hits a little different knowing for a fact that it's coming from Kira's mouth directed towards him of all people~#Also the picture where Ryuk is saying he'll scram when things get heated is probably my favorite drawing of him that I've done!#he was so intimidating to draw especially over and over in comic form. such a far cry from my usual human style#but like all things I gradually became more and more comfortable drawing him. I'm very happy about that! :)#I have a dumb idea/headcanon concerning the nerds' first copulation attempt~.#if I decide to include it here I will definitely try to age restrict it even though it won't necessarily be graphic.#don't wanna get in trouble lol#I have more trouble drawing spicy scenes than I do with shinigami subjects XD#tw: food issues#they both eat the sketchy 'apple' to prove they're not cowards... despite it not being the smartest idea in the world. >_>
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With today's entry, I was rather surprised and confused that Johnathan seemed to turn around so quickly from the absolute pit of despair he was in yesterday, having newfound determination and energy when he's seemingly been completely hopeless and inactive for weeks now (and for good reason). Not that I ever thought he'd completely given up, but there's definitely been a slow decline in how descriptive his journal entries have been to reflect his declining mental state (more robotic, less of his actual feelings about things), and today was a sharp contrast; it feels more like the early entries again. I thought, well, his mind is probably just so cracked at this point that he's looped all the way back around to being bold and energetic again, because by now he's desperate enough to throw caution to the wind: he either succeeds doing something extremely reckless to escape, or he fails and meets his end in a far better way than if he just waits for his fate by Dracula's hands.
...But having thought about it and reading other posts, I realized (probably stupidly obvious as it is) that his sudden change in mood probably has to do with what happened to the baby. Despite how scared he's been all this time, yesterday he didn't hesitate for a single second to try to save the baby once he realized from the previous incident what was happening, not thinking about his own life at all. And then he despaired when he couldn't save the child, the first time he's mentioned crying in the book at all, and then he had to witness the mother blaming him for her baby's death, and being killed herself for trying to rescue it. Now, the day after that horrific and heartbreaking failure, he's suddenly more determined than he's been in ages to escape. Maybe that was a turning point for Johnathan, and lit a fire under him... maybe he's clinging to the need to escape not just for himself and the people he loves anymore, but for the vain hope that he can put a stop to Dracula's schemes somehow once he gets out, because he doesn't want to let any more children die :' )
#dracula#dracula daily#i'm a new reader so idk how much this is going into headcanon territory or will be backed up later#but i wonder if johnathan feels protective of children because he and mina want kids#i mean he's a good and sweet man so i'm sure he would react the same regardless even if he didn't have a fiance#but if he's planning to one day become a father i'm sure that makes his feelings even stronger :')#he hears those babies crying and thinks about if those had been his and mina's future children. man.#i'm sure that would have made him empathize with the mother even more too; if mina wants to have a child..........#ahhhhhhh i've made myself sad. yesterday's and today's part just made me so sad 😭💔#johnathan you're so good and brave 😭 you're doing your best 😭 it'll be okay in the end 😭#oops i projected paternal instincts onto a soft male blorbo again-#okay but now i need an au where by some miracle he manages to abscond with a baby dracula brings to be killed and it's just#Johnathan And Baby Against The World (vampire)#does that exist. please tell me johnathan and kids content exist cause 🥹🥹🥹#idk how it would work but thinking about it makes me emotional lol :' )
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Ugly crying & the marauders generation - a pseudo-scientific approach (my marauders crying PhD abstract)
Abstract
In recent days, there have been a variety of claims as to who the prettiest and ugliest crier in the marauders generation could be. This paper aims to address the recent surge in opinions on the matter, and categorize different approaches as well as add a new approach to the scientific examination of ugliness/prettiness when it comes to crying. I hope to provide readers with an overview of the current state of research and encourage all marauders scholars to add their own and I intend to make a contribution to the discourse by committing to the bit and writing a pseudo-academic paper about it instead of actually working on my thesis.
Introduction
In the following paper, the discourse about 5 marauders era characters will be examined in regards to their various levels of perceived ugliness whilst crying. Scholars who may ask why Peter [Pettigrew] is not included in this analysis are advised to refer to acclaimed marauders ugly crying scholar @lynxindisguise's (2023) original poll on the popular blogging website "tumblr.com" which did not include Peter, but rather two non-marauders characters named Lily and Regulus. This paper will follow that approach, since Peter is the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met, I do not trust him and he is a fugly slut. The characters included in this approach are as follows: James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Regulus Black.
Following the scientific criteria for ugly crying, as stated by lynxindisguise et. al (2023), the question of the ugliest crier can be answered by observing the crying person and assessing their ugly-levels on the following parameters: (1) unbecoming facial expressions, (2) facial swelling/blotching, (3) unsettling noises, (4) snot factor, (5) tear volume, (6) general loss of dignity, (7) glistening eyes/lashes, (8) Victorian heroine factor, (9) elegant tear-wiping, (10) post-cry glow (ibid).
Criteria (1)-(6) can be categorized as the ugly crying parameters whereas (7)-(10) are pretty crying parameters, creating a false binary between ugly and pretty crying, which may be problematised and addressed in another the paper. In contrast to lynxindisguise’s original 10 criteria to measure the aesthetics of crying, this paper proposes to add (11) explosiveness of cry as another ugly crying parameter, in order to get a more clear assessment of where on the ugly-pretty crying scale a character falls.
The ugly crying parameters
(1) Unbecoming facial expressions
James Potter is mentioned in this category by several marauders scholars: @jaylienpotter talks about his red face and ugly sobbing, @artbyace mentions his “scrunched up cry face” and @sectoren claimes “james (…) is that one handsome guy that when the waterworks get going becomes like. Cartoonishly ugly”, raising the question of upkeeping toxic masculinity in order to avoid having to witness more of James Potter’s crying “mug”.
Though James Potter features heavily in this category, another character who is also mentioned just as often is Remus Lupin: @kaaaaaaarf, @appreciatedmoron and @http-starboy all emphasise that Remus Lupin is the one with a red and blotchy face.
(2) facial swelling/blotching
While there is a definitive overlap between the categories of facial swelling/blotching, unbecoming facial expressions and snot factor, Sirius’ and Regulus’ victorian heroine complexions, which give them an advantage in the homonymous category, may be to their disadvantage in the “blotching” category. This will require further research by other scholars.
(3) unsettling noises
James Potter is mentioned in this category by Jaylienpotter (2023), claiming he not only hiccups when crying but also that “his cries are one of the most heartbreaking things you’ll ever hear” and similarly, artbyace states that “James loves and feels so loudly”, whereas “Sirius is silent”, both sentiments are reminiscent of znelda’s (2023) statements that James “was allowed to feel his emotions freely in a loving household” and “Sirius (…) [is] used to hide [his] feelings and [has] become stoic”.
With several other scholars, among them also @jamesunderwater (2023) raising the point that James may be the ugliest crier due to him being “the only one well adjusted enough to have access to his feelings” this raises the question of possibly introducing another category, maybe of emotional awareness/stability to be able to measure this parameter more efficiently, though emotional vulnerability may also just be a part of the unsettling noises parameter, suggesting that there is a correlation between noisiness and the existing environment being welcoming to and accepting of various expressions of emotions.
(4) snot factor
The most popular winner in the snot factor category seems to be Remus Lupin, with several scholars agreeing that his sobs are the dampest and snottiest out of all the candidates. kaaaaaaarf (2023) writes “he turnes all red and blochty and snot drips out of his nose (…) he cant (sic) not cry with his mouth open as well so there is a lot of spit”, and appreciatedmoron (2023) agrees with kaaaaaaarf on this.
It only seems right to me to include spit in the snot category as well, seeing as they’re both crying-related bodily fluids that add to the ugly-cry factor. http-starboy (2023) also mentions snot in regards to Remus Lupin, which compared to both their comments in (1) opens up the question of how unbecoming facial expressions, more particularly redness of the face and snot factor may be related, as several authors seem to write about both specifically in relation to each other. Whether this is just pure coincidence or not would need further research, for which we currently do not have enough funding. This is only one of the many research gaps in the relatively new field of marauder’s ugly crying studies, which cannot fully be addressed in this paper.
James Potter is also mentioned in the snot category, namely by the marauders scholar artbyace (2023).
(5) tear volume
Artbyace (2023) claims James Potter is “full on bawling” which can only be assumed to refer to tear volume, but the most convincing argument for tear volume comes from the acclaimed marauders scholar @fruityindividual (2023), stating that “tsunami warning tones go off in sirius’ brain anytime remus is close 2 (sic) tears” which already indicates high levels of tear volumes. The author then goes on to specify the volume by claiming that “indeed the ocean wishes rj lupin would jump in and help contribute 2 (sic) rising sea levels”, further emphasizing the volume of Remus's tears.
(6) general loss of dignity
@pastaplatypus (2023) writes about James Potter not being able to do a Melodramatic Bollywood Cry, which is perceived as inherently racist by the crier.
I would like to argue that Sirius Black also deserves to be mentioned in this category. While as of today, with less than 1 hour left to vote, 15.5% of voters agree that Sirius is the ugliest crier, the more outspoken voices all argue for different ugly criers. Due to their upbringing, I am tempted to name both Black brothers in the “loss of dignity” category and look forward to reading future contributions to this discussion.
The pretty crying parameters
(7) glistening eyes/lashes
Undoubtedly Sirius Black deserves to be mentioned in this category. I believe his dark lashes and glimmering eyes are part of what makes him the prettiest crier. Whereas Remus’s eyes also sometimes glisten or appear red, and it is usually attributed to be caused by drug consumption, which more often than not is a wrong assumption, but he happily goes along with the pretense of being a weed-smoking bad boy in order to hide his ugly crying damp tendencies.
(8) Victorian heroine factor
It almost seems superfluous to even mention Sirius (and, to a lesser degree, Regulus) Black in this category. This category was made for Sirius, as is apparent when reading lynxindisguises (2023) description of the victorian heroine factor, in response to a question by the scholar @plecotusauritus:
“the Victorian Heroine Factor is a deeply scientific assessment of the Vibes. Is this person giving tragically beautiful, windswept Victorian Heroine, sobbing gently into their hands while sprawled across a boulder or a well or a fountain of some sort? When they look up at you, do their tear-plumped lips part elegantly as a single tear slides down their cheek?”
(9) elegant tear-wiping
There hasn't been a lot of research in this area, but I would like to propose handkerchiefs with embroidered initials and family crests as another potential factor in favor of the Black brothers scoring high marks in this category as well as the Victorian heroine factor.
(10) post-cry glow
Artbyace (2023) claims “lily is always beautiful (…) even when crying”, which is echoed by znelda’s (2023) earlier claim that “Lily (…) [is] a woman and no woman is ugly when crying.”
Sirius is the other popular choice by marauders scholars for this category, with @in-flvx (2023) stating that he “handsomely handsomes while dying after 12 years of torture hell and another year in shackles”, which would mean that “a few tears would[n’t] stop him from being the hottest person in the room at all times” (ibid).
Additional parameters
I am suggesting to introduce an additional metric in order to further specify and better assess the ugly-crying levels:
(11) explosiveness of cry
@felixantares (2023) introduces the idea that Remus “is the type that very few people have been seen cry because he ignores every difficult emotion hes (sic) ever had (…) and it all explodes at once and its horrible to watch when he breaks down”, a sentiment shared by several of the other authors mentioned above in various other categories.
Further opinions & conclusions
The most popular consensus seems to be that Sirius cannot be the ugliest crier, sometimes also in direct comparison to his brother: @spindrifters (2023) answers the question of the ugliest crier with “obviously it’s regulus”, elaborating that “at least [it’s] definitely not sirius bc (sic) reg is canonically less handsome in all ways” which brings up the question if regular beauty plays into ugly crying. This is contrasted by lynxindisguises argument, that Sirius may be an ugly crier because he’s so gorgeous, and his ugly crying subverts the expectations of beauty:
“the most beautiful man alive looks hideous while crying, and his deeply awkward and perpetually damp bf (sic) is literally in his element while crying – dampness becomes him, you might say.”
This statement raises yet another question – does regular crying make the crier more or less ugly? Can an ugly crier become a pretty crier by practice or are we all born either ugly or pretty criers, condemned to this fate for life?
While this paper has given an overview of the current state of research to ugly crying/pretty crying, it has also raised many more questions. Other topics which may be addressed in future papers also include the philosophical question whether ugly crying is in the eye of the beholder and if it is possible to ugly cry without being perceived, and if it is possible to ugly cry if the person perceiving you doesn’t find it ugly. Since the research field of ugly crying is a relatively new one, we can only hope to read many more opinions on these and other topics in the future, and I look forward to reading different scholar’s approaches to these highly relevant topics.
#marauders#the science of ugly crying#cat's highly profesh fandom science#idek what to tag this as lol#i don't write fic i only write pseudo scientific papers on fandom analysis (apparently) lol i had so much fun writing this#even if just 1 person reads it i'll be happy i know it's ridiculous#scientific analysis of ugly crying#akso i tried to tag everyone i mentioned to make it feel more like i'm actually quoting them (which i am) but if anyone doesn't want to be#tagged in this lmk and i'll remove it haha#anyways okay i'll post it now#this is what happens when i go on tumblr during work hours and then keep thinking about how much more fun editing papers would be if they#were about the marauders instead of the things i have to read/edit at work#hp#remus lupin#sirius black#james potter#lily evans#regulus black#(this thing has almost 2k words and i wrote it in 2-3hours)#idek what that says about me#that this is how i chose to spend my tuesday evening#but i love it
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ON THIS SITE WE LOVE EMBER FROM ESO 🫶🫶🫶
#tes#tesblr#eso#elder scrolls#the elder scrolls#elder scrolls online#ember#eso ember#ember eso#what even is her tag lol#tiredeltalks#i'm posting this in case anyone else also needs to hear this right now 🫶🫶 it's okay to be afraid it's okay to be vulnerable#you are stilly worthy you are still loved#i didn't think a character from a video game would make me cry today but here we are
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he's so important to me
#i guess i need to watch the anime but super's manga has just been a self-indulgent fever dream for me from start to finish#100000/10 absolutely perfect so validating so extremely catered to my tastes and headcanons and analyses and humor#so fucking funny and emotional and intense and goofy and beautifully drawn#my beautiful son getting to finally fucking see his HARD won character growth fucking shine and choose love and choose to be loved!!!!!!#Goku just being Goku Vegeta being Team Dad Piccolo being Team Grandpa Bulma being a fucking superstar keeping everybody organized and fed#god i love this squad i love this series i love these dumbasses and their struggles and their triumphs and their stupid childish bonding#I love that Toriyama just spent the last several years reminding the class that DB as a whole has always been an ACTION-COMEDY about LOVE#and I'm SO sad that the z anime really never did it justice in that sense because of having to fill time with dramatic tension but god. GOD#THE MANGA HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO CLEAR ON THAT THESIS.#Just all about Restorative Justice and Community and CARING even when you wish SO MUCH that you didn't care but yoU DO GODDAMMIT!!!#SUCH a great series I'm so sad it took losing mr t for me to finally read it but my god I needed to read it now and I'm so glad he wrote it#and i'm SO glad he wrote it Exactly Like This#once again rip to a legend i'm caught up and crying it's so perfect it's SO everything I've wanted to see onscreen and embedded in canon#and canon isn't everything but it still feels gREAT to be SO 1:1 on the same page with an author re: how you interpret your blorbo yknow???#been rotating this man in my head for 25 years and Mr Toriyama just mWAH kissed me on the forehead about it#anyway enough tag rambles I'm off again aklsjla#bonus for that kenpachi shit and letting him say 'sorry dude I can't be cold and numb anymore but this is still cathartic as fuck lol' like#mr t i hope you see the HIGHEST tier of heaven for that (and obviously for like everything all of it the whole life you led)#dbtag
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Okay but, imagine. Oliver and Felix.
They had the 💫maze moment💫 but after Felix says the magic words (you make my fcking blood run cold) Oliver freezes. He thought Felix was mad at him but he realizes he hurt him. Oliver never thought for a second that Felix would care enough to actually be hurt by him. He not only hurt him but he is scaring him. And so, he lets go, he mutters an "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Felix" and he's gone.
Felix is UPSET, cause after all that he can't keep denying that he's in <something> with Ollie (was? is?). And he's mad cause Ollie is right. He wouldn'v care at all about him if he hadn't been interesting enough from the beginning. How did Ollie knew him that well? How did he know what lies to tell to keep him intrested? (Doesn't this just proves how much of a good friend I actually am? How well I actually know you?)
He needs space, he needs to simmer whatever all of this is. But not tonight.
So he gets out of the maze and drinks and smokes and fucks whoever and then Duncan is waking him up, giving him some tylenol or something and taking him to his room.
When he actually wakes up is late in the afternoon, he moves instinctively to the dining room, still dizzy. When he gets there all eyes are on him. What happened? It's not the first time he passed tf out after a party. Elspeth seems upset.
After he ate and is a little bit less dead Duncan informs him that Oliver is gone. He took all his belongings and left at some point during the night or morning who knows. No one saw him leave.
Felix gets up and goes back to his room, through the bathroom and... empty bedroom. No signs of Oliver. The room was clearly recently cleaned. He opens the closet, nothing. Back to the bathroom, empty too.
Fuck.
Duncan tells him that the only thing he left behind was the costume and the black suit Felix lend him. Oh, and a blue button up that was still in the laundry room.
The rest of summer Felix tries to get a hold of Oliver but is impossible. He texts, calls and leaves voicemails, nothing. He finds the phone number of Oliver's house but when he calls Oliver's dad tells him that he's not home, he's probably back at Oxford. Felix packs and leaves Saltburn early. Back at Oxford he goes straight to Oliver's dorm, he knocks but nothing, he stats pounding the door "c'mon Ollie, I just want to talk!" he tries the knob, the door opens, the room is empty.
He learns quickly that Oliver moved. He didn't just moved rooms, nope, he moved colleges. He's gone.
That night Felix cries holding Ollie's shirt :)
#don't worry he'll find him eventually#Farleigh pulled some connexions and now Felix owns him for life#Oliver is so depressed that he didn't even had the strength to run away when Felix find him#He's scared but then Felix hugs him and 🎶💫is crying time💫🎶#for both#they're both crying and hugging in the middle of a very busy aisle#Farleigh is disgusted#Felix playfully slaps Oliver cause “WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS?” but he's crying and smiling#and Oliver starts sobbing while saying “i'm soooorry” lol#And then Farleigh is concerned#anyways#I could keep writing but I feel like I'm going crazy so.#saltburn#felix catton#oliver quick#cattonquick#farleigh start
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exurb1a, from "Inventory" in Poems for the Lost Because I'm Lost Too
#lit#literature#typo#typography#fragments#light academia#dark academia#oops typo!#exurb1a#love#poetry#poem#quotes#aesthetic#i didn't have this one dog-eared for some reason but i still had these two lines underlined#something was pulling on me to look for this poem (bc truthfully i forgot that i even underlined this part lol)#im so glad i went back to look for this poem though#bc now i'm crying at 10:30 am :')#maybe we'll meet again under better circumstances#that's what i hope at least if you're reading this#240304
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I think i doubt my ability to work faster under stress too much
#classwork#banana yoshimoto#kitchen#so much for lurking#sorry i just like how these turned out haha; this was one of the things that was bothering me so it feels nice to have it done#i don't like the second one as much as the first one but it *is* empty on purpose... metaphors and stuff#this is for my capstone; it's our only art assignment we'll have for the whole semester (intimidating)#we had two options for what to do depending on what kind of focus we've placed on our work#people who were focusing on content for studio work had to make something that represented themself as an artist#people like me who focus more on technique and meeting task requirements had to depict something based on... any... literature#so i took a middle ground and did two page inserts for a book that's important to me#i actually wanted to do only one really detailed insert but my prof wanted two so i had to divide my time#and also read the whole book again which left less time for the actual drawing#crying bc the dropbox for this closed five minutes before I got this done#even though this technically isn't due until the beginning of class tomorrow#it'll be fine since i'm bringing the files to class via USB anyway but it'd be nice to have it submitted so it could leave my conscious lol#uh i also have to type up something for this so i shall do that now#night night
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Hey did I ever tell y'all about the time I dreamed that I had a baby daughter called Ellie that began with my finding out I was pregnant and ended on like her third birthday?
I legitimately woke up thinking "I should go check on Ellie" and then realised she was never real and when I tell you I SOBBED. I've been haunted by an implacable sense of loss ever since. Did I travel to another dimension? Wtf happened because that was insane.
#I'm not even joking when I say it felt REAL#I have this baby doll (it was my mum's when she was a kid and I have it now) that sometimes I just hold and it makes me feel better???#Did I astral project into another life?????#Was it just a really fucking intense fever dream??????#For the record I was like fifteen I have never even done the do let alone had a pregnancy scare#But yeah my little Ellie#And she never fuckin existed#I woke up halfway through planning her birthday party like baking a cake or sm and I was thinking#“I'll give her the little green cardigan I knitted”#Woke up to a silent house and was like “she's never usually quiet this time in the morning”#Then realised what had happened and started CRYING#idk man it's insane#From a psychological point of view it's fascinating but I've tried and tried to analyse the dream and?????#I always come up with something different???? I can't pinpoint the actual cause and effect of the whole thing?????#Madness honestly#And it was just a normal day too nothing weird had happened it wasn't a coma and I wasn't knocked out it was just a Dream#A very very real one#For the record I don't think Ellie had a father#I think it was just an immaculate conception that nobody ever questioned#Might have been IVF now I think about it#That would make more sense#dream#weird dreams#Ig I should add a grief trigger warning???#tw grief#one time i dreamt#Very confused and it's been like two years so wtf yeah that was... Intense#The most dream of all time#Maybe I'm just fucking insane lol but yeah
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#ooooof me when i am never the first choice#me when i am never the one someone is really into#me when i get very attached even tho i didn't wanna date him bc he's too young for me#me when now abandonment issues are rearing their head#me when it's literally not his fault at all but now i feel so so bad lol#ooooooof me when i'm gonna cry about it lmaooooo#this is so dumb#no more b you guys he has Met Someone#we were literally never gonna be together like i didn't want to#but he was the first person i was with after f and like#god i do be feeling abandoned and like i'm only good until the next best thing comes along#woof#why am i SHAKING. this is so dumb#why do i get so attached to people#i'm 24 this is teenager behaviour#maybe back to bed#vent
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#currently feeling a lot of the same feelings from last year#i can't even cry because i'm more angry at how sm fucked everything up for a second time and i love those boys down but#i just can't see myself enjoying their future activities all because of a stupid ass company lol#like i'll probably just stick to following sohee and anton individually#it's nothing against the rest of the group but those are the two that i really like the most#i wish them all the best and hope they get better fans who actually care about them and not just parasocial bullshit#and i hope seunghan is freed from that company faster i don't want him anywhere near the industry he deserves to live his life#been waiting since 2022 :/ my baby i wish him nothing but happiness from now on#text
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kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....
#bungou stray dogs#been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me))#cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands)#but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people#first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now#he was groomed since childhood just like dazai#but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there#and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong#but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself#which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong#and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia...#and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO#where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!!#it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay.#chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself#and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him.#didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!!#i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess#and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just#One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall#he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!!#there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma#and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc#it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!!#even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man#both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation#i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda#and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death#oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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