#i’m sure i just need some good sleep
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just teenage girl tingz 🤪🤪 (feeling like something is deeply and unfixably wrong w me)
#i’m sure i just need some good sleep#and maybe a bath#or ice cream#but today has been a day#vent post
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🙃
#just want to apologize to anyone who has tried to reach out lately#just like I texted my friend I’ll tell you guys the same#haven’t been talking to a lot of people lately tbh#pretty sure I’ve mentioned php a few times by now#monday was my last day#and I was feeling on top of the world on Monday#I don’t remember the last time I was so genuinely happy#figured it was the med change or something#so I was feeling pretty optimistic#I’m in between programs now#and today was not the best#not as bad as some of my days#but definitely not even near the day I had on Monday#I just wish I could feel that every single day#I’m working on it but still#waiting to start ‘adult day treatment’ and case management#and I think case management will help me find a place??? I’m not sure exactly but that’s kinda what I was getting#which honestly? I know I’ve bitched about how badly I need to move#but while I was in php I realized I don’t think I’ll truly be able to heal while I’m living here… and that’s a scary thought#idk there’s a lot more deeper things that I don’t wanna talk about#but the fact I don’t have space and I don’t feel safe and comfortable here is hard….#my ‘safe’ space was my car but now that I’m trying to quit smoking my car isn’t the best place for me#I’ve been kinda getting used to my room and I’m finally trying to move a few things around#(now that I have a little energy again)#it’s just……. my arachnophobia is KILLING me here#in the past week I don’t even know how many spiders I’ve seen and killed#they haven’t been crazy and I recognize I don’t live in Australia or places where the spiders are as big as fucking cars#I came home and I was in a good mood until I saw a spider in my room 🙃🙃🙃 tried to vacuum it but not sure if I got it……..#so guess im sleeping on the couch….. again…. but can’t help think if out here is any better…#shut up rosie
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I should be asleep I’ll hate myself tomorrow, but while I’m preparing myself to go to sleep I remembered the dream I had last night and remembered that I thought in my dream that it would make a good story but now I don’t remember anything and I’m mad fbskndjd I haven’t write in so long, especially with characters that aren’t my long time ocs or fanfic it would have been good to think about something new but yeah 🥲
#i just remember there was 3 girls#and for once I don’t think I was one ??? I feel like I was mostly watching#i remember romance a lot of it ????#like evil vs good a lot also some powers maybe vampires ????? one girl I think ????#also what guy would they chose between 2 each but at the end it wasn’t the case I was only imagining one guy#now you will say but Alex that’s a lot you remember#a kiss and a school sitting is not enough to remember what was happening 😭 kfbskdns#I’ll try to remember more or take what I remember and have fun with it ckdbjxbdjd#anyway now I’m going to sleep I’m waking up in 4 hours 🤪#my dad better be in a good mood cause I probably won’t (period + lack of sleep is NOT a good mix kfbskdns)#he usually is on Sundays when we work together I think he put aside everything we usually fight about cause he has to pay me so if he makes#me cry I won’t be a good help fkdbdjd#also he already paid me in advance cause he wanted to#be sure he dosen’t use the money by accident ckbdjdjd#Idk what I’m doing with my calculation but I’m suppose to have 200$ a month but I feel like I never have enough money ????#cause I don’t have a lot left enough for my phone at least ????#(because it’s 50$ each Sunday)#oh wait now I rememeber Sowon’s food 😐 80 freaking dollars 😭#but at least I won’t have to buy one until like January maybe even February 😭#but she need this type of food or her stomach hurts :( (and something else that is nasty bdjsbs)#that’s why I start taking commissions to at least be sure to pay for pills if I get like one commission a month 💙#anyway good night !#alex.txt
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Getting off my ass and downloading my favorite fics to put on a jump drive I bought with a fuck tonne more storage than the two I already had from when I was in school and, wow, this is actually so much easier than the rest of the stuff I’ve been downloading for various reasons (articles on stuff I want to have around but worry might be impacted by this new presidency). You just pick pdf (or whatever you like) and bam! It’s right there in your downloads ready to be stashed away, no annoying nitpicking where I have to delete stuff I don’t need in the document or huge blank spaces, it’s just ready! Like, listen. I love “print friendly and pdf” Firefox extension, but I always have to end up deleting some stuff that is just taking up space. It does its job! It’s just not going to be neat and tidy when the website doesn’t intend for you to do this. Archive of our own does that whole thing of making a pdf themselves! This is going to go so much faster than the other stuff I’ve been downloading as pdfs
Anyway, I love you as well Smithsonian magazine website for not only being free, but also just having that extension on all your articles! That’s actually how I found it in the first place. Before that I was copy pasting every paragraph into a pages document and it was way more tedious.
#emma posts#I feel like an old woman who figured out how to use her email#more and more every day#I am not bad at computers while also being bad at computers#I’m getting sidetracked here though#I really just keep developing tricks to solve my computer problems but then there’s an easy solution that I just don’t know about#like that Firefox extension#am I good or bad with computers? I think a secret third thing#I’ll think I’m bad with them and then I’ll see someone who is just straight up terrible with them and I’m like#‘well. im not great. but im also not that’#I won’t ever be able to download every fic I want to read#I’m sorting through my bookmarks to take what I think I should grab. but I have so much in the ‘want to read’ thing#I don’t know if my jump drive could pull that and all my non fanfiction off#I really haven’t purchased a jump drive in awhile though#I saw the storage on one of the first to come up and was like ‘holy shit!’#girlie has not purchased one since 2015 okay#I really hope I just end up doing this and then it turns out I didn’t need to#but if I didn’t do it and it turns out I needed it…#no. wouldn’t want that#I need sleep. I just started laughing at the thought of having illicit Wikipedia articles on a jump drive like some heinous shit#but it’s literally just an article about the history behind Yule or something#forbidden out of Africa Wikipedia article PDF#I don’t know what kind of stuff falls under the stuff in that project 2025#they have brains that work in ways I don’t understand#you know some of them would be like ‘you have to take down your article about ice age humans because creationism real I guess’#‘how dare you have information on the history of religion?!’ scandalous#and I know I can never afford to buy books on every single one of those things#but science magazines and Wikipedia articles? sure#I’m getting really sidetracked but this is making me feel like I can do something#it’s giving me some sense of control and distraction and if I don’t have those things to channel this energy I’ll just get worse
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Need someone rich to decide they want to give me like a thousand dollars to completely change my life
#thinking about things I want/need for living in the car#specifically that I need a power set up and I also want a dash cam and some cameras for the outside of my car cause if I’m sleeping w window#covers and shit I wanna be able to see my surroundings at night without revealing that I’m inside my car by moving window covers around#also a mattress and a good cooler. ugh. living on the road so easy but also so hard if you try to hard and I have perpetual try hard but#never actually do the thing disease#so I feel stuck in financial limbo#I don’t even have the money to get more weed rn I have to wait until next Friday when I get paid#to pick up an eighth but until then I’m running low and scrounging#and soon I’ll have to start paying for my phone and my car insurance and shit and I’m broke but my spending habits are garbage and I don’t#have good impulse control#budgeting is stupid literally you will get more money just get the thing and then be miserable after you’ve spent the money surely that’s a#good idea#ughhhhh whatever whatever whatever water#whaterv#gonna take a nap#I’m overtired and happy daydreaming turns to anxiety so fast#anyways.#bye
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tw: abuse discussion, intimate partner violence, grooming discussion, power and control. Trying to be vague here and not fly too close to the muse Sun
Re: red tv and the manuscript discourse, I wonder if people realize that it is actually possible to have abusive/toxic/harmful relationships with people your own age, too? Like even if Taylor and jg were 2 years apart, harm still could’ve occurred….? Like it was obviously not grooming bc that is a very specific set of experiences usually involving a child and a person in a position of trust/power like a parent or teacher or coach etc (I know this bc I lived it!!!). But like… that is not the only kind of harm that can happen to young people???? Her youth/naivety was definitely a factor in how fucked up the situation was but it was not the only element. Power dynamics do not begin and end at age. Adults can fuck each other up, too…
#This is not a vague post I promise#I’m just in awe of some anons other blogs get about this#And I think what lots of people are calling “grooming” is actually what we call “love bombing”#training someone to ignore harmful behaviors by showering them with affection/praise/apologies after tension building and explosion phases#You wear your best apology type vibes#The last time#and that behavior often occurs without the love-bomber realizing they’re doing it#People who cause harm rarely set out to do it with evil in their hearts#But it can still be abusive#And that gets murky when the only perspective we take on harm is from the carceral system#Like oh but he didn’t mean it and he loved her and he didn’t force her so it obviously wasn’t abuse (not necessarily jg here! Generally)#but like the truth is that people do have real love for those they hurt. And they often do genuinely feel guilty and apologetic!#Doesn’t make it okay or excusable! And people should feel safe/empowered to leave but that can be Uh.. challenging#But yeah it is extremely clear to me what happened with jg and it is at best toxic as fuck and at worst… coercion and manipulation#Taylor has every right to be traumatized by that situation like it was Very Bad and lasted So Long and deeply influenced her self-image#“He said that because she was so wise beyond her years everything had been above board… she wasn’t sure” is all I need to know tbh#He knew exactly the ways that midnight rain and dear john had changed her and he used all of that to play The Good Guy#And used that to convince her to sleep with him repeatedly (off and on at his whim for years)#Like!!! Not good!!!#C#relationships#abuse#ipv#gbv#trauma#would’ve could’ve should’ve hours#The manuscript#all too well#dear john#jg
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I need to go to bed I’m just gonna shout a lil
#ice hockey needs to chill the fuck out#I had such a good night tonight!! was ssosososossososososo happy#but afterwards people started shouting in the group chat#and they all have very valid reasons for being angry but my god the us vs them mentality is STRONG#I am concerned abt how much people want to escalate things and how quickly they’re moving to do that#I am aware I am a doormat and a people pleaser or whatever but#I mean for one this is a tense political situation and we don’t wanna burn bridges#(there is no real politics i am being dramatic to be clear)#two clubs. alike in dignity. in fair Verona where we lay our scene#and I am personally managing at least 4 fragile egos that are all highly volatile#as well as an internal divide that’s threatening to cause problems very soon#I also should not be part of this anymore! and yet.#also why are specifically men who play team sports so dramatic when you get them all together#like that’s a whole shitstorm that is so easy to set off#anyway with my club I can’t blame the committee for being dramatic (different way to what I just said they’re not the same people)#bc I sure as fuck was overdramatic which fed into other people ramping up BUT that normally snapped me the fuck out of it#so I tempered the worst of it yknow. but I don’t think this new committee has that#/is not willing to listen to the person who would play that role#anyway if people don’t play nice it’s going to start some actual shit which will be deeply unpleasant for everyone#particularly the people who are in both clubs and do not deserve this bc they’ll be getting it from both sides and theyve done nothing wrong#anyway! bedtime now <3 I’m just frustrated bc the person who maybe would’ve calmed everyone down is out of commission#and I should not and am not willing to have the power to tell people to stop even though I probably still could#it’s whatever. sleep#luke.txt
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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sometimes working together on a thesis is like *she cant do her tasks because she’s busy with following classes I guess there’s really nothing else she does* me: oh its fine I get it I’m busy too sometimes you know if I can help you with anything let me know:)) vs. *I can’t do all my tasks on time bc well i work six days in a week and spend three nights a week doing volunteer work and oh because my thesis partner is apparently once again busy with following classes I guess she dumped all her work on my lap* she: oh you should tell me next time if you’re busy cause these tasks are really important :/ you shouldn’t like let them wait so long
#like yeah bitch I know they’re important that’s why I woke up early Monday morning to handle them but if you remember. I couldn’t cause you#did everything you were supposed to do wrong:)) and#then I skipped my lunch because that was the only time I could make free to fix it but couldn’t :)) bc apparently you didn’t even do it#wrong you just didn’t do it you copied it from someone else whose task wasn’t even remotely the same:)))#and like I get that following classes is important I get it but I literally looked up her schedule she’s got at least four half days a week#that she doesn’t have any classes. I’m making literally every minutes I have time to do these things and she can’t manage to make some time#in those four afternoons???? so she dumps them on my to do them all in the one day of the week I got free and have also other things to do#which forces me to literally not eat and sleep to be able to do them????????#I’m so pissed our meetings are literally like me: ‘oh yeah I’ve got an incredibly busy week but I’m sure if I just work longer in the#evening and sleep a little less then I can make an hour free every day to do these interviews’#she: ‘that’s great that you can make time for that! I can’t cause I’ve got a class somewhere that day so can you do like all the work??’#like if she’s gonna dump me for the statistical analysis I’m gonna literally destroy all the data in my wake good luck doing the actual work#all over again next year#sorry I’m probably overreacting#she’s not that bad but she also needs to shut up instead of criticising bc I’m not doing all the work fast enough while she’s ‘so busy’ all#the fucking time#at least I’m doing the fucking work
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how am i supposed to focus when. the book
#getting my own copy of tsbit was either a very good or very bad idea depending on your perspective#aaaaaaaa#i have so much i need to do but what if i reread the whole book and put post it notes in it and and#(hm how have i only just noticed in our beginning from persona 5 there’s that one bit that sounds like that one nintendo song i think??#i think it’s a mii related one but i’m not sure actually unless it’s wait#is it just the persona music it might be yeah no ignore me#i think i’m just confused cause rt puts persona music in the background of like the minecraft ones as well as nintendo stuff so it all blurs#together. anyway unrelated ramble over)#ok i’ll get the german writing done and then do some geography. then lunch then physics n maths then more geography then prolly dogs out#then nothing then nothing then nothing then more food then nothing then nothing then something i’ve forgotten about or composition#then shower then nothing then more work for no real reason then sleep#very excited for today it’s gonna be a wild one#ezra’s real life rambles
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3 work days down, another 3 … possibly 5 to go …
I’m grateful for work & all, but goddam I need to find something with a regular schedule so all my work days aren’t clumped together like this.
#🎃 Cryptid sighting#I have a jury summons (& one last work day) which is why I’m not sure how long it’s going to be until I can have a proper rest#But UGHHHHH between this being such a physically brutal job + not being able to sleep lately + wonky hormone-induced brain fog/cramps#Sure I’m built like an ox w/the constitution to match but it’s still not good to push myself this hard#I’ve worked longer workweeks elsewhere but this job is a by far more physically punishing#I’m so tempted to call in sick just so I can have a definite day off in here somewhere#That and I need time to curl up & enjoy a couple friends’ recent fics that I know my current tired unfocused brain meats won’t accommodate#I know I won’t call in but I hope I’m at least not on the jury list when I call to check the previous night. Need me some serious Zzzz’s#vent#I guess#Also an indirect explanation why I’m still not as present around here as I had hoped
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how am i supposed to find a place to live.. when i am so sleepy 😔
#i’m not sure i’ve got it in me boys and also i have to. find a job#i’m exhausted! also why are people so particular and weird in their requirements for flatmate#feeling pretty home sick now for the first time in my trip n would like a hug. from my mum#but i mean four months of solo travelling and only just getting home sick is pretty good but yeah it doesn’t help i’ve had two quite major#bad things happen while i’ve been over here within a month of each other#anyway tomorrow i’m going to fully assess what i should do today im sleeping i’m a lil hungover#i think i need 2 talk to my brother n friends n stuff#laura says some things#sorry ignore me feeling sorry for myself in the tags xxx obviously i am very lucky to even like. have this problem that i have the option#to move overseas etc
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yet again I am whimpering and sobbing at hyatt to give me a job at the big fancy hotel. this is like my 7th application to a job at this one hotel specifically. i should really get the job from sheer dedication to applying over and over again for 7 months alone
#I can not explain it I just really want to work. at the big fancy hotel. please#LET ME BE BANQUET STAFF I AM BEGGING. NO ONE WANTS IT MORE THAN ME .#quite literally. i can basically guarantee at this point there is no one more dedicated to applying to this specific hyatt than me#and I’m wondering if someone over there keeps getting applications from me and sighing like oh god this guy again#I’m gonna go in there with a resume some time this week but I’m not exactly sure where to put that resume or who to talk to#maybe I should call or something first#i hate calling people but. if I must………….#I’m not good at any of this shit man#also I need some nice business clothes for this kinda thing but alas I have no fucking money#because. I don’t have. a job#I hate this#kibumblabs#who the hell do I have to sell my soul to at hyatt for them to hire me why is this so hard#the pay’s really good too for a part time entry level job hggshhhh pleaseee I need money so I can move OUT OF HERE#the fact that I don’t really have business clothes aside. what I DO have will probably fucking SUCK in 100 degree weather fbshcbsjdjs#can you tell I’m possibly hypomanic and can not fucking sleep . it’s 5am and I need to fucking stop with this shit but gahgagshdhdhh
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I’m failing and I know I’m failing but please if someone can just tell me that it’s okay, that I’m allowed to fail, I’ve been given permission to fail and I don’t have to worry anymore I’ll still have a house, a home, friends and family and food and maybe a nice thing to do or something entertaining for a little while
Tell me it’s not all my fault, it can be some my fault but tell me it’s not all my fault all mine all alone
Tell me it’s not that everything is exactly this hard for everyone and only I am the one who is getting left behind
That can’t be it right? It can’t be this hard for everyone, right?
Tell me the bone deep weariness is a missing vitamin
Tell me the exhaustion and pain is a sickness
It doesn’t have to have a cure just don’t tell me it’s the norm
Tell me it’s not just excuses
Tell me you believe me, tell me you know it’s not just an excuse.
Tell me you have seen how hard I try.
Just let me know if I can stop trying so hard
Because I’m starting to think my best is not enough
So just tell me if I can stop giving it my all?
Tell me you’re proud of my attempts even if they don’t come with success
Even if they never come with success
Tell me I’m missing a vitamin
Me: You know how when you were a kid and you’d wish that you’d get sick or injured in a way that would justify why you didn’t live up to your potential?
Everybody, apparently: No?
#a lament for those who are also in the gifted kid to chronic illness pipeline#sorry this got real#but I love the vitamin post as a chronic illness metaphor but it definitely makes sense in a gifted kid to burnt out adult sort of way too#I don’t live up to my own expectations of myself#and yeah that’s my new normal but it doesn’t even have a name yet because diagnosis is hard af#I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired#chronic illness#chronic pain#sad#sorry lol#I’m okay I’m just venting btw don’t worry about me#had a good cry writing this#gonna fail some more#I know I don’t need outside permission but it sure does help#reassurance isn’t necessary but damn is it addictive#it’s just you know that feeling when you got so super sick as a kid that you were shaking and in pain and throwing up and everything#and you go to the doctor and they’re like omg you’re really so sick you need bed rest now and absolutely no doing anything stressful#and you felt like oh I’m being heard and seen my needs are being met#I’m getting attention and medicine to make me feel better and I’m not expected to do anything because I really am very sick and it’s real#the horrible awful way I feel is verifiable by tests and the experts agree that it is okay for me to sleep which is great because I need it#that’s what the missing vitamin is to me#because I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m exhausted and I am in real horrible pain so constantly#and I just want that moment of ‘omg we didn’t believe you I’m so sorry your needs have gone unmet for so long’#it’s not about attention or money or being let off the hook#I know I am sick I know it is real but I really need other people to hear me#I want other people to know it as fact and not as just an excuse#to know that if and when I am able to I will be an unstoppable force#please don’t count me out right now#but I just need to rest right now#I just need my missing vitamin
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Okay, blehness aside, hoping to be more active this week. My health just completely decided I wasn’t gonna do anything and ugh I hate it. Here’s to hoping my body gives me a break but who knows 😭
#being ill is a job within itself#I’m off to bed and hopefully get some actual sleep#I just need like one good night of sleep#I washed ny#blankets#I cleaned my room#I worked to make everything as non stressful as possible#and I’m taking some hard drugs cuz fuck it why risk it#😭#tw drugs#it’s all medical I swear#tho I’m pretty sure weed would really help too#anyways NDNSKSKS goodnight#˗ˏˋ ⭐ ˎˊ˗ ─ ooc. ❛ sorry I got a loud mouth ❜
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A few months ago I was really considering dropping Biology as a subject, but now it’s one of my best (if not the best because I haven’t got Geography back yet) grades from the AS transition exams, and I’ll probably drop Chemistry instead if I feel I need to drop one (which I do tbh) because I did Pretty Badly on it
#warning to the handful of GCSE students who follow me: CHEMISTRY IS A HARD A-LEVEL. BE PREPARED.#also maybe don’t do 4 subjects like I did unless you’re pretty sure you can handle it or are planning to drop one after the first year.#I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting about my Chem result because it isn’t an outright fail and some people got worse than me#but I’ve been pretty much consistently getting bad grades on the physical/inorganic side of the course#and I don’t think my decent scores on the organics side can support me through the next year#organics is pretty much the only thing I’m interested in on the course anyway so I might as well drop it#but I don’t know if universities prefer 3 mediocre-to-good grades and one shitty grade or just 3 relatively-decent-to-very-good grades#I’d say if I dropped chem now I’d probably be able to get my other subjects to an ABB by the end of next year. Possibly even an AAB.#OH GOD that was a rant and a half sorry if you read all that#I think I need to sleep on it and talk to some people at school before making a decision tbh#anyway goodnight all <2#corrie converses
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