#i’d say i’m an apologist but i have NOTHING to apologize for | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dylanobrienisbatman · 3 years ago

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The main problem with the whole mal vs the darkling thing in regards to being possessive (or really when it comes to any of their traits) is the fact that throughout, the darkling is clearly framed as the villain and his actions reflect that, whereas Mal as supposed to be the good guy and best romantic partner for Alina, and yet he has all these awful character traits and tendencies. So its less about how awful the Bad Guy is (since he's supposed to be), and more about how awful the person that we're supposed to believe is the best option for Alina is. I don't ship either, just my two cents.

Okay well... two things. First, your comment about "its less about how awful the bad guy is, since he's supposed to be", takes every comment I've made about Darkles out of context, which seems fitting since everything Darklina's spout about Mal is out of context. Him being the Bad Guy is fine, and if you like him AS A VILLAIN, and acknowledge all the bad shit he does, then my posts aren't for you. I think he's a very interesting villain, and a lot of the terrible shit he does that I have to keep making posts about make him a good villain, the problem is when the terrible shit the "Bad Guy" does is romanticized and viewed as the reasons why Alina SHOULD have picked him. So, don't assume everyone gets that "hes supposed to be awful". The point my post was making is that Darklina's love to call Mal possessive, but then turn around and act like Darkles literally enslaving her in somehow sexy and romantic. It's fucking not, and it's transparent as hell that y'all romanticize and sexualize the actually possessive character, and then project false character traits onto Mal. It's so transparent, it's almost funny.

But, more importantly, to your second, very wrong point, I wonder how much of the narrative about Mal having "awful character traits and tendencies" is actually a commentary on Mal as a character, or is it just Darklina's lying about things Mal has done and everyone accepting that misinterpretation as canon. Because, if were making a list...

Fuck boy - False! Mal was not a fuck boy! He was an attractive teenager who hooked up with consenting girls his age when he could, and he was not in a relationship during that time. Alina had never told him how she felt, so he is not beholden to her. (Also, nobody seems to have an issue with the fact that Darkles hooked up with Zoya in the show, that doesn't make HIM a fuckboy... interesting) (also also, nobody seems to discuss Darkles literally sexually assaulting Alina, and lying and manipulating her to get her to be physically intimate with him so he can use her... double interesting).

Slut Shames Alina - FALSE! The ever favourite callout line from Darklina's "He's all over you" isn't him slut shaming her. First, he has no idea what their relationship is like at that point, but more importantly, he is making an observation of her status in the little palace and how she has become his tool. He has dressed her up in his colors, made her put on a show for his benefit, and has created a situation where Alina appears to be his. Mal is noting that after months of searching for her, believing she was being hurt, tortured, or worse, when he arrives to save her, she looks like the Darkling's pet. (and, even if he WAS angry because he perceived them to be romantically involved, boy just spent months fighting for his life, lost multiple friends, and almost died to find her, all while coming to the realisation that he was in love with her, and then he shows up, after not hearing from her for months... I'd be pissed as hell too.) Important Note: He even acknowledges that what he said was wrong and tries to apologise, before Alina tells him that he was right. (Shadow and Bone, pg. 286). He also then apologizes, completely unprompted, for what he said. (Shadow and Bone, pg. 297).

Fat Shames Alina - False! This one is particularly laughable to me, because its one of the Darklina arguments that falls apart the second you actually read the scene. They are running for their lives in the forest, and Mal has to hunt and gather to feed them. He is noting that Alina's appetite has increased since he last saw her, and he makes a joke (ya know, how you do with friends) about how it would be easier to keep her fed if she still had her more meager appetite from before. He makes no comment on her weight, or her size, and he is not actually commenting on her appetite in a negative way, he is just acknowledging that it's a lot more work for him now that she eats more. Right before he says the line, the quote even proves that he isn't shaming her or thinking badly of her: "With a bemused expression, he watched as I gobbled down my portion and then sighed, still hungry". He is noting a change in her, and complaining that its made more work for him. If you think thats the same as fat shaming, well... thats a you problem.

Hates Alina's Powers - FALSE!!!! How to begin... do we talk about it was Mal's idea to hunt the stag in S&B, because he knew she needed it to be more powerful so she could stop the darkling? Do we talk about how he vowed to find the firebird for her, even though he was terrified of what all that power would do to her? Do we talk about how he literally died so she could achieve the power she needed to save the world? Or maybe we could talk about how he believed in her power more than anyone else, like when everyone was making bets about her abilities with the Cut and he knew she'd go further and better than anyone else expected her too, or when he tells her that he was never afraid of her powers, only what seeking all that power would do to her (which is literally the theme of the books, that power corrupts and seeking unmatched power can destroy you)? Mal being afraid of what is going to happen to Alina, being protective of her and worrying over her, is not the same as him hating her powers. He exists to help remind Alina of the themes of the story, and to guide her into maintaining her humanity.

Abusive - ... Do I even need to explain this one? Must I deign an explanation as to why this favourite Darklina lie is so fucking stupid, and also totally hypocrisy? No? Because we all know Darkles is actually the abusive one and they're trying to project their own shit onto Mal to further their abuse apologist agenda? Cool. Moving on.

Possessive of Alina - False! Throughout the entire series, Mal is quite literally the opposite of possessive, but yall just cant read. Not only does he quite literally step out of the way and allow Nikolai to court Alina without argument, which is the most direct example of him not being possessive, he also spends two full books believing, and repeatedly saying over and over and over, that they can't be together because he is not good enough for her. Mal believes, fully, that Alina deserves more than him, better than him, because he's just a tracker and a soldier, just a regular man with nothing to offer her but his love and his protection, and she is a Saint and should be a Queen. Possessiveness is the wish to own and control someone, it is literally the opposite of Mal believing that he's not good enough and doing everything he can to ensure that Alina achieves everything and gets everything he believes she is owed. A possessive character would not tell her to tell him to leave because he has nothing he can offer her, no title or land or country or crown. A possessive character would not promise to be the blade in her hand, because he believed he had nothing but the blood he could spill to offer her.

Angry - True! Yeah, omg, you caught us, Mal is ANGRY! Heaven forbid a teenager who is traumatized beyond belief and has to give up everything in his life, his position in the military (he deserted for her), his friends and the job he loved (Mikhail and Dubrov died for him, and he can't be a tracker in the army... because he deserted... for Alina), and, most importantly, he has to give up Alina (she should be Queen, he believes, and he has to give up the future he imagined with the girl he loves, who he was pretty sure loved him back, because she's a saint and queen and he's just a man), and more, is ANGRY. He has to be the one to find the amplifiers that he knows will end up hurting her, because thats what she needs to save the world. He has to sit by while Nikolai treats him like the dirt on his shoe and tries to woo Alina for his own personal gain (because Nikoalai did not love Alina. Maybe he came to care for her, but he proposed and spent all of S&S trying to get her to marry him when it was obvious they were not in love. He straight up says its so that the next King of Ravka can be married to the Sun Summoner. It's a power grab.) and he can't do anything about it. So yeah, Mal is angry. And yeah, sometimes he's even angry at Alina, just like sometimes she's angry at him. But they always find their way back, always apologize and try to be better for each other, and if you think anger is a toxic trait, and not simply a natural human emotion, might I suggest touching some fucking grass?

Idk why you thought I'd stand for Mal slander on my blog, cuz I will not. So, I'm gonna stop there, because I have shit to do today, but I really do wonder how much of Mal's 'toxic' or 'terrible' traits, that make him such a 'bad' love interest for Alina, really comes from Darklina's who refuse to actually read the text critically at all, and instead take everything he does and says out of context to further their agenda that Alina should have ended up as the Darkling's fucking slave forever, because thats the "girl power feminist" ending somehow. Mal supports her, loves her, sacrifices for her at every turn, and does everything he can do, to the point of literally dying for her, to ensure that she can defeat Darkles and save the world. He protects her, and when they end up happy and safe together on the orphange that they've rebuilt to help the children that were victims of Darkles war and genocide, he spends his days bringing her tea and cakes and flowers, kissing her silly under the stairs in the view of all the teachers, and calling her names like beauty, beloved, cherished, my heart for the rest of their ordinary life together, if love can ever be called that.

#Malina #anti darklina #malyen oretsev #mal oretsev #shadow and bone #if yall could just learn to fucking read... i am begging you

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mythicalmongoose · 3 years ago

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Does anyone want to read some rambling and potentially biased meta on Robby and Johnny’s relationship largely based on my own experience with shitty parents?

No? You don’t want to read me over-analyzing the silly karate show? That’s fair... I’ll put it under a cut.

So, like, right off the bat I’d like to say this isn’t aimed at anyone in particular. (No, not even you. Don’t flatter yourself.) This is something that has been bugging me since before I made this blog and was solely composing tl;dr replies about it on Reddit.

Secondly, Cobra Kai isn’t prestige television. It’s a karate soap opera that doesn’t take itself too seriously and exists in a heightened reality where kids become black belts in a month and take to the streets in rival gangs, terrorizing the innocent civilians unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire. I’m not holding it up to real-world logic or laws. I can’t. The police that exist there are mostly powerless and largely theoretical. Watching them arrest Kreese was like seeing a cryptid in the wild.

Thirdly, I’m not 100% sure who these Johnny apologists I keep hearing about are, but I apologize on behalf of no one. All my favs are problematic trash fires. I dumpster dive for my favs. I love me a mess as long as the show acknowledges them as such. Which this one does constantly. It’s fiction, and I’m really sick of seeing people make the leap that liking a character means you endorse their actions... Tangentially, I’d also argue that Daniel is his own trash fire. But, like, a classier trash fire? One that’s like a controlled burn in a metal barrel after you called the fire station and asked if it’s okay. But that’s a weird metaphor and an overly long meta post for another day.

Finally, don’t come for me, y’all? Feel free to reply and disagree, but I just got here. This is my comfort show. It’s fun. It’s binge-worthy. I love talking meta and over-analyzing with folks, but a lot of people online seem to get weirdly heated about all of this, and I just don’t have the energy for that.

With all that out of the way... The number of people I see complaining that Robby forgave Johnny too easily kinda irks me. He didn’t, and this repeated assertion that he did feels like an over-simplification of ambiguous grief and the cycle of abuse/trauma.

Robby might be the most emotionally intelligent teen on the show. He’s pretty darn level-headed and thoughtful when he isn’t letting negative emotions dominate his decision making.

S4 feels like the writers have finally started to address that rather than the character just being, for me personally, an unlikable mess. AND NOT BECAUSE OF HOW HE INTERACTS WITH JOHNNY. Can everyone in the back hear me? He is the child in that relationship. He’s valid in feeling what he feels and avoiding who he wants to avoid.

My problems with the character stemmed from his interactions with his peers. Sam, especially. God, if I see another person act like she owed him something, I’m climbing over my desk and through the monitor I’ll do nothing. But boy will I be miffed. Watch out. I’ve got a soapbox and I’m not afraid to use it... If I have the spoons to... Maybe... We’ll see! ...but probably not.

Anyway, this is all an extremely roundabout way to say that anger is exhausting. Especially when you’re using it to put up walls.

Robby and Kenny paralleled Johnny and Robby this season. But the point wasn’t that Robby is analogous to Johnny; it’s that he sees himself in Kenny. It’s not 1:1 and it’s only their relationship in extreme miniature, but it clearly disturbs him.

The cycle of abuse that started before he was born is flashing in front of his eyes, and its weight is immense. He needs someone who understands to help shoulder that and, instinctively, he goes to his dad.

He’s giving himself permission to be vulnerable. To shed that anger and lower his defenses. I said it before, but I’ll say it again, that shit is so exhausting it’s life-destroying.

I can identify with Robby but, honestly, I can identify with Johnny more.

Both of my parents were fucking awful. When I was 14, I was hospitalized. My dad didn’t want to deal with that, and I never saw him again.

My mother, meanwhile, kept tracking me down even after I packed up at 17 and skipped town... and the county... and the state.

And, boy o’ boy, abusers that won’t stay out of your life or even acknowledge they were abusive are just the best, huh? And you WANT that relationship with them. That’s the worst part. I feel Johnny letting Kreese back in. Because you want to do what Robby did. You want to give yourself permission to be vulnerable and let your walls down and let them be the parent to you they never were.

But people like that can’t be there for you if they won’t even admit their mistakes. They can manipulate you and they can gaslight you and they can even genuinely love you and think they’re telling the truth, but they can’t be there for you. You can be there for them, and they’ll take that and run with it until you’re all used up and feeling like an idiot. And then you feel like an even bigger idiot when you give them countless additional chances. It’s, like, the slowest lesson to learn and the easiest to forget. But you’re just so desperate for that specific kind of relationship. And you’re so afraid you’re never going to be able to let go of that soul-crushing anger because you can’t get closure. They have none for you. They don’t think there’s anything to close.

Robby isn’t quite in that place yet. He has his mother that is turning her life around for him and he has Daniel who desperately wants to be for him the kind of mentor he had as a child and he has an undependable father that wants to be there for him.

They’re all far from perfect, (Johnny especially.) but they all recognize they fucked up. They’re not denying it. And, to bring it back to the scene at the end of S4, Johnny stresses that Robby didn’t do anything wrong and that he should blame him as the root of so many of his problems. We’re seeing history repeat with Robby giving Johnny another chance like Johnny did with Kreese. But Kreese is a manipulator you’ve got to drag kicking and screaming to even the smallest revelation in how they hurt you.

With Robby and Johnny there is the possibility of a relationship. There’s a chance to break that shitty cycle these guys are all in.

And, good Lord, can I extrapolate on Robby and Johnny’s relationship without people crying apologism? Because there are other factors we see in the show and implying that abuse/trauma is straightforward and easily traced back to a single, obvious root is the kind of shit that keeps kids from realizing the situation they’re in.

Shitty parents are still people. They’re still a pile of cascading failures that led to things being like they are.

The show leads me to believe that Johnny and Robby have had a father/son relationship. A consistent one? God, no. Obviously not.

But we see pictures Johnny kept where Robby drew both of his parents. We see a soccer photo on a fridge. We see that Robby wants to upset his dad and knows him well enough to do it, giving Daniel the relationship with him that he knows Johnny wants but is always failing at.

And because it’s been a minute since I stressed this, please don’t come at me with pitchforks: JOHNNY IS NOT A GOOD FATHER. HE IS BARELY A FATHER. NOT HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SON IS HIS OWN FAULT. WE KNOW THIS. THE SHOW KNOWS THIS. IT IS KNOWN.

That said, there are contributing factors that didn’t fucking help. Shannon had an extremely unhealthy, codependent relationship with her son at the start of the series. Parental alienation happened. Shannon explicitly states that it did. We see it happening in the first season when Shannon lets it slip that Johnny wants Robby to come live with him.

Robby is actually considering it; he seems cautiously optimistic... But then he sees Johnny and Miguel hugging in a parking lot and that idea is tossed out. Which is super irrational but completely understandable for an angry teen that resents (And is 110% justified in that resentment) his dad.

And, boy, I could go off on a whole tangent about how Shannon is basically Laura Lawrence, but that’s yet another rambling meta post for another day... which has passed. That day is in the past. That is to say, it’s already on my blog somewhere.

And, yes, leaving Robby with Cobra Kai is ridiculous. So is deciding on the fate of the Valley through a fucking tournament arc. So are warring children’s karate dojos caused by Vietnam. So are all the other things we just kind of handwave so the show can get from point A to point B and let the plot happen. The show needs to go go go. We’ll lampshade it next season. First hand that child a set on nunchucks and chuck that one in a cement mixer. So many ridiculous things to do; so little time; so few ways to explain it that sometimes we just don’t. “Police? What police? Oh, right, um... Sam didn’t want to draw things out. Does that sound plausible? No? Fuck it, that’s what happened. Now go, honey. Go with the nice alcoholic, and parkour off a roof.”

And also... oh, Jesus, this is a bunch of text. This is entirely too much text. Imma stop myself here before I get started on something else and this goes from slightly unreadable to completely unreadable.

#robby keene #johnny lawrence #cobra kai #ramblings #finishing a chapter of a fic was the fannish thing i meant to get done to day #fans plan and fandom laughs i guess #oh well #what's done is done #and what's done is a meta stream of conscious novel that no one asked for

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bonjour-rainycity · 4 years ago

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Double Heart | Chapter Seventeen ~ Split

|previous part|

Pairing: Haldir x OFC

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 1482

Warnings: None

A/n Hello hello! I know it’s not one of my normal update days, but this one is short, so enjoy this angsty bonus chapter!

Cosima

Weeks pass in routine. In the mornings I research with Alex or study Sindarin alone, sometimes venturing into the garden or library to occupy my time. The lunch hours are typically spent in the company of friends, and Lavandil and I have been passing many of our afternoons together in her shop. As the summer continues, business only grows, and I can see why she asked for the help. Her art is quite popular! She tried to teach me how to weave and, unsurprisingly, I’m terrible. So I mainly help clean and work with the customers.

Three nights a week, Alex, Baranor and I meet in the library and continue our lessons. On that, I actually am making progress. It’s allowed me to converse with Lavandil’s customers in their own language. It’s also helped me feel much more self-sufficient here. No longer must I have to rely on Lavandil or Rumil to translate when we go out. Ellyn I speak with still have to slow their words and repeat things several times, and sometimes I must ask for clarification, but the progress really is liberating.

Two days a week, right after breakfast, Alex and I meet Elrond in his study.

Lord Elrond insists on using the power in his fæ to attempt to aid us in recovering our memories. I hate to admit it, but his efforts are wasted and, on my part, not really wanted. Besides the memory of Mara and Nonna, I don’t remember anything, and at this point, I’m not sure I want to. I’m already too attached to the people here, and I’ve seen where that’s gotten me. I don’t want to remember people from home — love them, miss them, and then realize I can never return to them.

I don’t make much progress, anyway. Most days, Alex and I have nothing but headaches and exhaustion to show for our work. Every now and then, one of us will remember something small — a passing event or an aquauntaince from childhood — but nothing of real interest. Elrond agrees that the headaches and exhaustion are signs that we are not yet healed from whatever ordeal resulted in us arriving in Arda. He’s been keeping an eye on our fæs — apparently they are somehow injured — and says that the original wounds are all but healed.

Alex’s progress is less encouraging. His old wounds are healing, but nearly every time Elrond or Baranor checks, there’s a new injury. They don’t know what’s causing it, but privately, I have a theory. While Alex says he’s accepted this world, knowing him, there’s a part that’s still hanging on to our homeworld. Maybe that’s causing too much stress to allow him to heal. Because I’m healing, and I’ve fully accepted this world for what it is — impossible, different, but real.

And then at night time, training continues with Haldir.

I am careful to keep distance between us except when absolutely necessary. By the way he does the same, he’s recognized the urgent precariousness of our situation. As much as I want to confess the feelings I keep so tightly bottled up inside, to fall into his arms and ask him to love me forever, I cannot.

Because my forever is abysmally different than his.

So I keep my distance.

My effort to avoid excessive contact or time with him is helped by the fact that, not long after our first training session, he became incredibly busy. Though relations between him and Glorfindel are still tense, the two work tirelessly to train the newer guard. Often, by the time I make my way down to breakfast, Haldir is long gone, off to lead drills.

The distance between us hasn’t helped my internal predicament.

Too often, I catch myself following the line of his jaw, remembering the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, wanting to return to that excitement of just the two of us under the stars.

I don’t act on these thoughts, nor communicate them to anyone, though Lavandil certainly tries to break that resolve. She’s adamant that, even with my lifespan to consider, it is better to spend the time we have together in happiness rather than holding ourselves back from something that could be great.

I forcefully disagree.

I’d rather cause myself a little pain now than put Haldir in a position where he could be broken later.

Surprisingly, Rumil, once my tormentor, has become my closest ally. Any time someone attempts to bring up the subject of me and Haldir, Rumil promptly shuts it down, usually changing the subject to something outlandish enough to properly distract everyone. He kindly occupies my newfound free time and we go riding together at least once a week. Since Rumil has Roch, Haldir allows me to take Faervel out, and, where the horse used to be indifferent towards me at best, he now whinnies in greeting the second I set foot in the stables.

My life in Imladris is nice. It’s peaceful. It’s filled with wonderful friends and so much to discover. And I’m happy, there’s no doubt about that…even if something is missing. I caught my feelings early and took preventative action by distancing myself from Haldir, which is good…but it’s…unfulfilling, in a way, to stay far from him. I miss eating meals together and talking about our days before training sessions. I miss constantly having him around. I miss him teasing me and moments where it’s just us.

I miss him.

But I won’t lose my resolve.

If my sadness can save Haldir pain, then I will bear it.

{***}

Haldir

Summer in Imladris passes quickly. My days revolve around training the newer guard, and they show promising progress. Lothlórien’s borders are much more extensive than that of Imladris’, and I am confident adopting some of the techniques I use with my wardens at home to fit Elrond’s guard will help them be more prepared when the orcs attack again. My brothers have been indispensable, kindly offering their help and allowing me to use them as examples for the other soldiers. Orophin, of course, plans his schedule around Lavandil’s, but I have him with us about three days a week. Rumil joins nearly every day, only disappearing on Saturday mornings to take the horses out with Cosima.

Cosima.

My mind has been consumed by her for weeks.

If I am being honest, it’s been consumed with her long before then, probably up to the moment she arrived in this world. I now understand that my desire to keep her near me after the attack, and every moment after, was not only a preventative measure to make her feel better — it was my need to keep her close. To keep her safe. To have that reassurance that she is alright, and, if we were to be attacked again, I could defend her myself.

I really do owe Rumil an apology.

Turns out my brother knows me better than I know myself.

But despite the startling realization that I want to be with a human woman—not just any human woman, Cosima—the days continue.

Not of small concern is Cosima’s health which, mercifully, is improving. Her sessions with Elrond to attempt to regain her memories must be helping — though her memories have not returned, the scars on her fæ are nearly completely healed.

Aside from my monitoring of her health through Elrond and Baranor, my busy schedule prevents me from seeking her out. We continue to train together three times a week — she is making vast improvements — but our interactions are hesitant, a little awkward. I worry I overstepped my bounds that first night, or perhaps, even before that — maybe the night under the stars — for she certainly keeps her distance now. No longer do we eat together or talk in our free time. It’s a strange feeling, but it causes me stress not to see her during the day. Even a quick interaction would be enough, just to catch a glimpse of her smile or hear the approval of her laugh, but those are few and far between.

But, as much as it pains me, it is for the best.

I hate to think of it this way, but Cosima’s life is short and her future uncertain. Were she an elleth, there would be no issue — I could tell her of my feelings and she could return them and we could spend the rest of our never-ending lives together.

But Cosima is human. Even if she does choose to stay in Arda forever, her forever and mine are vastly different. If I give in, do as I so desperately want to and build a life with her…

She does not know it, but she has the power to break me.

And, while I still hold a sliver of the ability to keep that from happening, I must seize on it.

A/n Thanks for reading, and happy weekend! Likes, comments, and reblogs make my day! See you Monday with a new chapter :)

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Tolkien tag list: @anangelwhodidntfall @eru-vande

Haldir tag list: @tolkien-apologist

Double Heart tag list: @lainphotography @themerriweathermage @thophil2941btw @kenobiguacamole @wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse @from-patroclus-with-love @boywivlove @ordinarymom1 @my-darling-haldir @sweet-bea-blossom @moony-artnstuff @sleepyamygdala

#haldir #haldir x ofc #haldir x oc #haldir fanfic #haldir fanfiction

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xxsmokeyy · 4 years ago

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ok so how about a story where (preferably bi) reader and levi both fall for petra and there's this competition between them as to who can win petras heart first but after petras death (or some other issue; your choice) they both mourn and bond with each other and realize that all those times they tried to outshine each other, they fell for each other instead

Levi x Petra x Bi! Reader (F) One Or The Other

genre: mild angst, fluff (healing)

summary: it’s a bit surprising that despite being rivals, both you and Levi have gotten through a lot together. before you know it, you’re already seeking refuge from one another.

tw: mentions of death

wc: 6,575

You know it’s a heck of a risk trying to aim for someone’s hand like Petra’s. She’s the entire definition of a dainty, lovely girl everybody admires, of course including you. Besides, you don’t even know if you stand a chance, not when there’s a tough guy your way.

Namely, Captain Levi.

Well, there’s another one named Oluo, but you don’t even think of him as a competition. Definitely not a threat as well.

“Hey,” you call the girl with strawberry blonde hair. She looks back at you with a smile and stands upright, wiping the sweat trickling down her neck. You watch as she tucks her hair behind both her ears to get rid of the stray fringes. Isn’t she just hot?

“Need help?” you ask, ready to give her a hand upon seeing her singlehandedly clean the stables.

“I don’t think Captain would allow that,” Petra says before petting the said man’s horse. “Am I right, big boy?” she talks to it, combing its black mane with her slender fingers. Adorable.

“One dick of a Captain we have, don’t you think?” you say, rolling your eyes heavenwards as the image of your superior passes by your mind. “Hmm, not really. I believe his austerity is right just the way it is,” she says in full decision. Of course. The one thing you don’t like about her is the way she worships the shitty Captain like some kind of noble man.

You let out a disappointed sigh, crossing your arms. “You have got to stop being a clean freak apologist, Petra. Unless you’re inlove with him or something,” you point out and take a step towards her, taking away the broomstick from her other hand.

She’s visibly spent to the bones, tending to the horses all by herself to meet the Captain’s regulations. He only always assigns one person per duty, saying soldiers should learn how to clean alone just as much as learning how to fight, which is an utterly dumb stance in your opinion.

When she blushes by your words, a small pang hits your heart. It’s just as you guessed.

Not that it’s not so achingly obvious enough these past few years, but it’s only gotten worse ever since the new 104th recruits joined the Scout Regiment. She keeps praising the dickhead in front of them whenever they ask about him, telling them a variety of stories stretching from way back, it’s ridiculous.

“I don’t!” She really doesn’t. She just idolizes him so much that it comes across as romance. People keep rubbing to her face that she’s inlove, though it’s definitely not what she feels.

Her denial nature and easily flustered reactions keep your spirits low, almost surmising with a conclusion that you had no chance at all if not for the fact that she never made romantic advances to him her whole stay in the army.

“You do,” you avert your gaze, not wanting her to notice the brewing jealousy in your eyes, else she might avoid you or act awkward if she finds out.

“I don’t!” she presses, accidentally pulling on the horse’s crest, forcing a neigh out of it. Petra apologizes to it like it can understand her. “If that isn’t definitely guilty, I don’t know what is,” you mumble under your breath, releasing another sigh as you start sweeping the scattered hay.

Once the Captain’s horse calms down, she faces you, hands on her waist, ready to explain her feelings in fine details. “Look—“

“Who said you can slack off?” Speak of the devil. Your conversation is given a good interruption when the dark haired man arrives.

Petra immediately fixes herself, fist slamming to her chest as acknowledgment of the Captain’s presence. “We weren’t, Captain! She just wanted to help me out,” Petra clarifies right away, voice firm and booming.

You feel the infamous pair of fierce eyes dart on you, and you briefly thank anything that first comes in mind for your current position, back facing the Captain so he can’t see your disgusted scowl.

You prep yourself and turn around, giving him a half-assed salute. “I just finished with the laundry. Thought I could give her a hand,” you say, tone almost holding no formality at all, “—sir,” you lazily add.

His brows twitch as he hears you out. Brat.

“I don’t recall telling everyone to work in pairs, neither of you understood that?” he pinpoints, staring you dead in the face. You’re not intimidated, though, not one bit. If you think I’m scared, you can kiss your own ass. “I insisted. In case you didn’t notice, she’s tired,” you inform, steadiness unwavering. What is even wrong with assisting someone? This merciless prick.

“Oh?” He walks toward you in strides, easily coming face-to-face with you in a span of seconds.

“Come to my office, Petra,” he orders without looking at her, and the woman gives you one last glance, then making off after giving him a polite yes. There it is. He’s about to show his true colors, you just know it.

“Cheap way to win her over,” Levi lowly spits at you, and you can feel his hot breath ghosting harshly over your face. “If you’re so kind, do it all over again,” he orders lastly, internally entertained by how your eyes shut close in fury, grip on the broomstick tightening.

As he finally steers to leave, you swear in your life you never wanted to hit someone so damn much it’d knock them out cold.

Levi heads back, footsteps fading into the background, and an exasperated groan leaves your mouth. You frustratedly throw the broom to the floor, startling his horse, which does nothing but make your blood boil stronger in your veins. Fuck him!

—

You lie down on the hard ground, even more deadbeat than the girl you opted to help. For shit’s sake, who knew this is what you get for volunteering to be of use? You can only imagine how the new cadets would have it hard once the Captain notices their mediocre cleaning skills.

It’s probably nearing curfew, you guess from the excessive appearance of stars in the skies, but your muscles are strained stiff you can’t come inside any time now. You were left with no choice but start from scratch. If you act up and not clean up to his standards, you’ll only get it way worse, so you decided not to push him further.

You sense someone approach you, and you strongly wish it isn’t Levi. He’s the last creature you’d like to see today.

Soft and familiar amber eyes greet yours from upside down, a petite body looming over you, and you couldn’t be anymore thankful. Petra gives you a sympathetic look before sitting down beside your laid form, keeping her hands behind her back.

“I told you,” she starts, “it’d be no good if Captain sees, but you insisted and he arrived! Now look at you, you’re absolutely exhausted, aren’t you?” she continues to scold, though it doesn’t strike you as a scolding. More of a concern, yes. A smile creeps up your lips.

“Just give me the bread,” you confidently say, and she sighs in defeat before revealing the pastry she had in hand. Your heart feels giddy as you sit up straight, taking the food she went out of her way to prepare. It’s like the tiredness just disappeared into thin air. What an angel.

Petra scrunches her nose as she watches you eat in speed. You cock a brow as you see her look at you like you’re— “Do I stink?” you frantically question and smell yourself all over. No way, you’ll definitely get points off now!

She giggles bubbly and shakes her head to dismiss your assumptions. “No, but you’re biting like you haven’t eaten in ages. That famished?” she asks once she’s calmed down.

You feel heat rise to your cheeks, unsure of what to think. She’s definitely an angel, especially when she smiles. You sigh for the nth time, “Obviously. Did you see how much of a bastard our Captain is? In all honesty, I’d prefer Hange as our squad leader,” you complain and resume to munching.

“I don’t know about that,” she says, gaze boring into yours. You tear your eyes off of her and stare at the horse stalls. “What did the old geezer make you do?”

“Nothing, just a bunch of paperwork,” she says truthfully. Oh, for all you know, he just wanted her all to himself. What an unfair move, using his authority to have her alone.

You angrily bite down on the bread, later realizing you’ve finished it. As she observes you, her eyes widen, suddenly remembering something. “I forgot your water!” she exclaims and rises to her feet, but you stop her before she can leave, grabbing her soft hand.

Your chest stutters involuntarily from the contact and you compose yourself right away. “It’s alright, I’ll get it myself. Go back to your room before Captain catches you,” you urgently say, not wanting her to get in trouble again. “Just help me up,” you ask to which she generously follows. You briefly wish the moment could last longer.

“You sure?” she quizzes when you finally stand up. Both of you heading inside, you nod and hum in agreement, “Thanks for the food.”

She gives you a smile as you both reach the halls, waving you goodbye before you part ways. Ahh, you feel all energetic now.

You walk to the mess hall, footsteps light and shallow. Judging from the dimly lit corridors, it must be a few minutes away from curfew. You just hope you don’t bump into some higher-ups. Hange’s fine, though.

As you push the door open, you regret it right away. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” you mutter unintelligibly. Aside from the raven haired man, the room is dead empty, a lone candle in a chamberstick providing dull light. Technically, he is the last creature you see tonight.

You have lost count of how many sighs you’ve released the whole day, all energy in your body draining once again. Steel eyes lock on you as you enter. There’s no turning back now. Well, at least Petra isn’t the one who found him here.

Levi cocks a brow as he watches you proceed inside, seemingly heading to the water jug. You stay quiet and take a glass, then filling it with water. As much as possible, you don’t want to converse with him.

He seems like he won’t let you succeed with that. “Done with the stables?” he asks, sipping on his tea.

“Yeah,” you curtly answer, not up for some bantering.

“Some goody two shoes you are,” he scoffs, ticking you off, but you refuse to let it show. You face him and lean your back against the counter. “Like you’re any better with your assholish attitude,” you sass him out, drinking on your water all the while remaining eye contact. You’ll show him.

“And you complain like the little brat that you are,” he rebuts.

“You’re just threatened that she might go for me behind your back when I just wanted to help,” you answer with a shrug, taking a few steps closer to the table he’s seated.

“Women like you like to play dirty.”

“You don’t know a thing about women,” you snide with a condescending smile, belittling the man before you. He can’t be one to talk about women when he treats you like shit. If there’s someone Petra might end up with, you sure as heck wouldn’t want it to be this guy.

He throws you a glare, piqued by your words before standing on his feet and and walking his way to you. You stay steady, unfazed by the intimidation he’s giving off.

“After all these years, do you seriously think you stand a chance?” he deadpans, which strikes straight to your feelings. He doesn’t have to emphasize that, you already know it, memorized it even.

“I don’t know, but it’d be just as much as a loss if she chooses you,” you say, slamming the glass you’re holding onto the table. After giving him one last glare, you turn your back on him, having enough of the senseless arguments.

He hates how you only ever treat him as a Captain in the battlefield, but not when you’re at ease. You always looked at him like an arch nemesis of the sort, not afraid to answer back at him like he doesn’t deserve your respect. He stressfully closes his eyes and massages his temples as you leave.

—

You sit on the bench, just in front of the Captain, who is currently beside your beloved Petra. Look at him making his moves. You roll your eyes discreetly, sipping on your fresh tea.

“What are you, on a diet or some crap?” Levi asks, finding Petra’s plate empty, bowl of soup halfway finished.

“No, I gave it to the girl you made run laps,” she informs, “she almost passed out, you know.” Right? you wanted to agree but decide to sit still and listen.

Levi doesn’t answer, and instead puts his own loaf of bread on her vacant dish. “Eat. We have an upcoming expedition,” he only says and sips on the liquid left in his cup. Petra’s cheeks turn into a feminine shade of pink, and you so wanted to pull her away from him. She exclaims a yes and starts munching. Great, I should’ve done that first.

You’re not about to put up without a fight, though.

“Dear Captain has to eat as well, don’t you think?” you sarcastically chime in, transferring your unmoved bread onto his plate. “Can’t have him thinned to bones when the walls get breached again,” you add, innocent smile downright infuriating to Levi’s eyes.

You desperately try to keep in your barging laugh to yourself as you watch him look at his plate disgustedly.

What do you say, Petra? I’m just as kind as he is, right? That show off.

Petra hums in agreement and nudges the Captain to eat, a string of hearty giggles leaving her velvet lips, alluring about a total of three people from the same table. You heart skips a round of beats as you watch her flash her toothy grins. Talk about an appetizing view.

Her giggles boil down as realization hits her. She gives you a mixed look of confusion and thoughtfulness, opening her mouth to speak and stop you on your tracks.

“But—”

You wave her off before she can shove her worries to you and prop yourself up, momentarily stretching your limbs in relaxation to then pick up your dirtied china.

“Don’t worry, Petra, I’m already full,” confidence brimming in your tone, you tell her and take your leave. But not without giving the Captain one last glimpse. It was even more appetizing to see him pissed.

Your other comrades only watch in awe as they see the unnamed rivalry uncover ahead of their eyes, your victorious smile determining the whose triumph it is for today.

How about that?

—

When you finish with dish duty, you head to the dining area once more to check if the sconce candles are extinguished, only to find them still lit and burning, with a side of holy bastard, as you like to call him. Of all people.

“Here again? What is this, your lounge room or something?” you mockingly ask and take a seat in front of him, wiping your wet hands on your pants. He ignores you.

You purse your lips out of observation. He must be a tea addict, having another one after dinner. “Are you always here every night?” you ask again, initiating a genuine conversation.

He finally looks at you and sets his tea on the table, a bit surprised by your question. “I am,” he answers. You nod, about to ask another question but he beats you to it.

“I’m removing you from the flank,” he suddenly blurts, taking you aback. What? Your rested face visibly loses composure as your brows furrow together.

“What do you mean? Is it because I shitted on you earlier? Oh please, do you think I’ll hit on Petra while on a mission?” you continuously spurt in one go, hackles slowly raising.

“It’s not about her. Erwin specifically asked for you to join his group since you apparently answered him right,” he remarks, completely calm. You are smart, that’s already a given that he knows, it’s just that feelings can get over the best of you that he doesn’t find rational.

Your ragged breathing upon taking him the wrong way steadies as you listen. “The Commander?” you confirm and he grunts his response. “Alright then, you better watch over her in my stead.”

Levi takes a glance at you, steel grey eyes holding an unreadable expression, which you find amusing and triggers a laugh out of you. It’s like his answer should have been already staring you in the face. Naturally, he’ll do that without you ordering him.

He can be cute at times, can’t he? In a funny way of course, you inwardly clear out.

Meanwhile, he thinks you’re out of your mind as you humor yourself. He’d honestly like it if you just leave him alone right now, which you eventually did, waving him goodbye.

The night before the expedition, you pay Petra’s room a short visit.

She answers the door within three quiet knocks. “Hey,” you greet with a smile and she offers to let you in forthrightly. “No! It’s fine, I just need a few seconds,” you dismiss.

“What is it?” she curiously asks, now face to face with you as you stand in her doorway.

“I won’t be with you tomorrow, so you better take care. Stick with Gunther, or Oluo. If possible, not with the Captain,” you whisper the last bit jokingly, but she ignores it and only questions why you’re separated. You explain the situation to her, leaving out the confidential details.

Petra nods, stroking her chin. You notice she’s already in her nightwear and is probably prepared to sleep, so you decide to return to your own quarters.

“Take care, alright?” you remind, eyes boring into her borderline gold ones. They were pretty and gentle, a pair you always adored through the years.

Petra wishes you the same and then a good night, strongly wanting to unite with you safely after the mission you could feel it deep inside you.

As you look at her, you‘re certain that you haven’t met a more loving person your whole life. Will there ever come a time that you’d confess to her? Probably not. If you’re being frank, you don’t think what you feel for her is that deep a love that you’d go out of your way to initiate a romantic bond. If nothing else, it might only be admiration, an attachment at most. You like her, that goes without saying, but there isn’t any room for in depth involvement, especially not in this line of work, you think.

The door to her room finally closed, you spin to get your own shuteye, only to see a familiar figure from a little distance.

The candlelights on the halls define the highest points of the man’s face beautifully, and you identify him without a hitch, dull grey orbs meeting yours.

“Let her sleep, and get your rest,” he briefly says before making off. Your eyes slightly largen from the lack of interaction, as opposed to the reprimanding you expected. Was he supposed to say his regards to her as well?

In all fairness, he didn’t go for your neck this time. Well, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Morning comes quickly, along with the falling into formation as sketched, the deployment of operation, and the arrays of discoveries you found in the progress. Everything happened quickly, and before you know it, the expedition is given an official beat to retreat.

You stand on the same branch as the Commander, waiting for his signal to flee after fighting off the wave of titans to defend the target. Three pair of your blades are blunted down to nubs from the excessive charges, and you think for a moment if you should replace them with new ones.

Catching your breath, you wipe dry your dampened skin and clothes. You watch as he idly chat with the Captain, instructing him to refill his gases. For what? I thought it’s over?

Levi listens to what he’s told, perceivably on his guard. Why is he even here? Where are the others? When you’re just about to call Levi’s attention, Erwin catches sight of you and the confusion resounding from your aura. He then permits you to break away from his flank and reunite with your own squad, and you gladly follow.

You first help clean up with the immobilizing equipment used on the spy, telling Hange to prepare for withdrawal. She passes the message onto the other soldiers, commanding them to bestride their horses to then get going.

You still don’t know where to find your teammates, so you stick with the higher-ups a little longer.

Since you’ll travel by horse from here on, you decide not to meddle with your gears anymore. You hop on the saddle and lightly yank the reigns to start moving, and with everyone else, you ride through the woods, thousands of questions ready inside your head.

A few moments later, you hear Erwin converse with Hange regarding the spy, about how they must still be alive and how they must’ve blended in by now. You feel the tension rising as you listen to his assumptions, trying to register everything he’s trying to come across with, and it all makes sense when you hear two consecutive thundering of little intervals.

You quickly turn around and swerve, shifting your weight to guide your horse back to where the booming sound came from. It’s the alleged sound intelligent titans make when they transform, and you know push has come to shove if you hear two of them.

As far as you remember, the key weapon was situated together with your squad, you being the only one left out, so you’ll find them where Eren is. You let your horse gallop in great speed, heart thumping loudly in your chest it’s almost deafening. Please, be safe.

It feels like decades have already gone by when you arrive at the terrorizing scene of carnage.

You put your horse to an abrupt halt and jump off, cold sweat breaking without control as you stumble upon corpses and corpses you achingly recognize, the life in their eyes strenuously extracted. Gunther, Eld, Oluo… Petra.

An immense vertigo hits your head, your field of vision blurring upon seeing them drained of consciousness. You refuse to accept the view, shaking your head like a child in utmost declination. It seems you’ve only followed behind the Captain, finding him looking at the same plight.

“Levi…” you helplessly call as if seeking for refuge and saving. But it horrifies you the most when you meet his dead gaze deprived of rest, almost exactly looking like theirs, striking violently at your heart. No, not you, too…

Streams of tears shed endlessly from the corners of your eyes, and Levi doesn’t know what to do. He’s beyond pained, watching the only comrade he has left on his team slowly break down due to the shambles. He can’t afford to be frozen by the fathomless torment he’s currently trying to overcome, nor does he have the luxury to stay by your side and console you.

He has no choice but to keep moving.

“Call the others for assistance and put their bodies on a carriage,” are the last words he gives you before taking his leave, wires zipping and clutching into the surfaces of the tree barks as he skillfully maneuvers with his gear.

You think for a second, is he that used to losing people? but you completely miss out on how he slashes the giant enemy in great anger, expertly cutting flesh like he’s never done before as if it’s his only chance to momentarily pour out his emotions, all the while trying to stay objective.

Your whole body weakens and you fall to your knees, getting a closer look at the dead woman before your sight. Your hand acts on its own, stretching out to painstakingly tuck Petra’s locks behind her ear like how she always styled it. Your lips tremble as you attempt to fight your threatening sobs back.

She has slipped out from both your reaches.

Since then, you limited your interactions to those that were only really necessary, because for the first time in a while, you feel utterly alone. Years of having the sweet girl by your side all gone into the dust, along with the overwhelming loss of your whole squad, everything is weighing you down.

Flashes of memories come at the most misplaced time every now and then, and you can’t handle it when it triggers in public, causing you to lock yourself up in your room, weeping in secret.

You can’t be any more thankful to your Captain for letting you wallow in your own way of coping. Most importantly, though a small part of you still doesn’t want to admit, you’re more than grateful he stayed alive all throughout the last of the mission, coming back home with you.

You still remember the hurt in his eyes that no matter how hard he attempted to conceal, still peers out. It was visible when you had no choice but to throw the bodies out of the carriages, bringing not a single fallen soldier back. It was visible when Petra’s father asked the Captain for his daughter, even going as far as spilling his plans of arranging a marriage between the two young pair.

It’s haunting you so much, you haven’t had an hour of sleep after arriving back even if there’s an upcoming operation. Despite it being against your will, you frequently wonder how he’s doing.

One night, you find yourself walking through the halls, unable to force your mind to just shut down and rest without stressing out for the uncountable time.

You don’t know why you’re fully decisive of where to go and who to find. You don’t know why you feel calmer every step further. You don’t know why you’re so eager as you push on the wooden doors of the mess hall. You don’t know why you already expected to see him there.

“Oh, look at the old geezer drinking his tea in the dark. Do you know what time it is? It’s past curfew,” you inform sarcastically, voice also forging a front to sound normal. It’s not yet past curfew, you just want to tick him off.

“You’re only four years younger, and it’s not,” Levi answers as he lets his eyes land on yours. It’s obvious you’re only trying to clown around, the exhaustion in your face giving away your crestfallen state.

“What? How do you know that?” you ask, scandalized.

“I recognize the time.”

“I meant my age?”

“Because I am your Captain, woman. Don’t push me,” he hisses and brings his teacup into his mouth, the hot beverage staining on his tongue just the way he likes it. Even more so that it’s the only thing he can rely on at the moment. That’s what he thinks.

You scowl and sigh. Fair enough.

You take a seat in front of him and he gives you an unreadable look, as usual. Does he feel intruded? All of a sudden, you feel shy, hoping you’re not bothering him.

“What? I won’t mess with you, I’m tired,” you argue upon seeing him stare you down like something’s off with you.

Levi studies your expression, finding your face a bit similar to his in a not so positive way. With a shallow sigh, he decides to let you be and do what you want.

You prop your cheek on your elbow and maintain eye contact. “How’s your leg?” you quiz, genuinely curious of his current condition. The bastard brought home an injury as souvenir, rendering him downright useless for the plans the Scouts had right ahead.

“Not good,” he says, earning him a hum in response. The longer he lets his glance stay on yours, the more he notices the little details in the way you presented yourself.

Tonight, you spared no effort in fixing your hair, still a bit messy from the tossing and turning earlier in desperate hopes to fall asleep. Your lips were dry and chapped, he notes to call you out for it later. For all he knows, you might be dehydrated already. Your eyes? Unquestionably racked with pain.

You rest your face on top of your overlapped arms and settle to find a comfortable position.

“Go to your room if you want to sleep,” he orders, which you only ignore. Does he seriously think you’ve been able to sleep these days? Because you’re sure as heck he can’t with those dark under eyes of him. “Your neck will only get stiff in that position,” he adds.

Something about the company he generously, though not obviously, offers makes your eyelids fall shut in ease, his baritone voice helping your nerves compose themselves.

“I said I’m tired, give me a break…” you gradually lose volume as you speak, slowly drifting off without knowing.

Levi clicks his tongue when you finally succumb to drowsiness.

It’s not like he doesn’t have any options left, but he couldn’t do anything as he stays all night to watch over you. Surprisingly enough, the company felt comforting that he can’t bring himself to leave.

Couple hours later, he’s still up and reading a book when he hears a soft whimper escape your lips. Levi takes a glimpse at you and is a bit baffled to catch sight of a lone driblet trickling from your lids.

Sighing, he feels inclined to wipe it away with his thumb in sympathy and does as his subconscious says. The moment his calloused finger touches your skin, he realizes that you were undeniably warm. So much for a brat like you.

When you wake up, you feel a heavy cloth wrapped around your soldiers. You check the surroundings and remember falling asleep in the dining, later seeing that the fabric is a tan jacket, a uniform. The familiar scent enters your nostrils, and you name its owner right away.

An involuntary wave of heat rises to your cheeks and you’re uncertain why. It’s Captain Levi’s.

It makes you contemplate out of nowhere, was it wrong to treat him like a competition?

Thinking about it, you kind of regret not being casual with him. Without question, you’re not really in best terms with him, having an eye for the same person for a long time, that should be understood. He’s an outstanding soldier, that you can admit, but you can’t exactly put up with his strict ways at times, some of it coming off as irrational.

Maybe you should really just accept the fact that he’s a great Captain nevertheless. Because even though you viewed him like that all this time, he’s still being considerate in some ways.

A small smile forms on your lips. You definitely should start warming up to him. He’s the only team you’ve got left.

—

Tray in hand, you enter the Captain’s room, not bothering with a knock. To hell with that, I’ve got a handful, if he complains about his privacy or some crap, I’ll shove this damn food to his face.

Yes, you decided to bring him his lunch after the successful-fail raid in Stohess District. Honestly, you’re damn tired to the bones, but you take it upon yourself to give Levi a short visit.

He gives you an annoyed stare, obviously not expecting your company, and you only roll your eyes. “What’s that?” he asks.

“Food. What, is your old age getting to you? Need some glasses?” you talk back, not up for his dumb question.

Things aren’t going so well for the Survey Corps, political stances going against your brigade, comrades dying one by one you’re not entirely sure if their death was in vain or not. It’s only a miracle the Commander found a way to nullify the consequences about to come your way. That’s why Levi better not raise your hackles bad or your brain will completely explode in front of him.

He ignores your sardonic jest and eyes the tray, primarily looking for the tea, if you brought one. You did. But he keeps his hands to himself for a while.

“It’s too early for dinner, and I could’ve gone to get my own food.” An exasperated sigh escapes your throat, hearing his argument.

“This is your late lunch, sir,” you inform candidly, taking him by surprise. True enough, you didn’t mean to be so observant, but you saw him skip lunch earlier before the raid. Heck, this isn’t even the first time he deliberately missed it. You know he’s still unwell and at a loss just as much as you are—maybe even worse, and that’s preventing him from taking care of himself.

Of course, he’s still your Captain whom you’re willing to serve, wholeheartedly, at that. Hence, you’re going to take care of him if he’s not doing it himself, whether he likes it or not. If even this guy leaves you, then you’ll probably arrive at the end of your wits.

With an exasperated sigh, you set his meal on top of the nightstand right beside his bed. “Are you enjoying being a useless Captain?” you cross your arms and quiz, having enough of his prideful attempts for rejection.

“Tch, you know full well I’m not,” he answers and averts his glance, looking outside the window and the dimming skies.

“Then eat your food and stop complaining,” you lastly command, real bossy and assertive that he’s on the brink of cocking a brow in question.

He falls silent. You were right, he won’t get any better if he continues to mistreat himself. Besides, it’s already you who went out of your way to prepare him food, he shouldn’t just let that go to waste. Finally giving in, Levi first grabs the teacup by its mouth and takes a sip, nose immediately scrunching in repulsion upon tasting the beverage. You might be trying to poison him, after all.

“This tea is shit.”

“I said stop complaining.”

—

A whole different wave of hurdles and complications just got overcome after the wall breach alarm got deemed false, and three new intelligent titans were revealed. Seeming as though those weren’t even enough, humanity’s key weapon got kidnapped as well. Naturally, a rescue operation was deployed to action, losing a ton more soldiers in the process.

Everything is starting to become overwhelming, you’re both physically and mentally exhausted, and emotionally. Everything is beginning to feel like a pain in the neck, as if the Scout Regiment didn’t have that way from the start.

It’s actually just as you guessed. When you went outside without a full functioning team and a Captain to follow orders from, you felt lost and misplaced. The novel experience was depressing, to say the least, moving forward without the ones you’ve fought side by side with through the years.

You can’t help but find yourself looking for a familiarity, a middle ground of the sort. Feeling like a storm is building up inside you for trying to suppress your problems all by yourself.

On the low spirited trip back, you eventually realize you needed someone. And who else is there aside from him?

You ride your horse back to the walls, aching for his presence. Anything that has to do with him, you want to see and feel.

It’s almost like vexing decades have passed when you arrive and return to the headquarters. You hop off your horse, movements slow and back hunched, aura visibly despondent.

Your half lidded eyes desperately scan the fields to search for that one person, comforting satisfaction taking over your entire body as you find him standing a few meters away from your form.

Funnily enough, he was waiting for you just the same.

Levi couldn’t decipher what shitty smile you tried to give him, it was only plain pitiful in his eyes that his guts are telling him to walk over to you and give you a welcome. He didn’t have to do it, though.

Because maybe you did the first step. Maybe you took big strides or maybe you eagerly ran to his figure to feel his warmth against your body. But nothing else matters when you reach out both your trembling arms to him, now wrapped around his sturdy body, locking him in an embrace you never thought you’d feel your whole life.

You slowly descend to a sobbing mess, completely abandoning the idea of you looking like a mere crybaby in his eyes. He’ll surely bring this up some other time, but damn that. All you know is that you needed this, badly.

It’s shameful, being fully aware that you’re slowly eating your words. Whenever you think of how you put the tiny distance between you and him, you just want to slap your palm across your face. In reality, he isn’t so bad.

You want to thank him for letting you free yourself and let it all out, but your awfully shaky sobs are hindering you from doing so.

Levi senses your exhaustion, and a whole other variety of intense emotions. You’ve been keeping some burden to yourself, too. It’s amusing to him in a way that you’re both similar in a lot of things. Especially in the bad habit of bottling oneself up, assuming it’d do any better.

Deep down, he’s glad you let loose and opened your walls to him. He cares for you, after all.

As you weep against his chest, lungs stuttering and eyes turning bloodshot, Levi allows his hand to pat your back, lightly stroking it to make you calm down.

It is, indeed, wordlessly reassuring, telling you that he was there. You never imagined that of all people, he had the ability to offer the exact solace you’re looking for, just with the simple gesture.

For once, he lets it slide that you’re all bloody, sweaty, dirty, filthy—name it—when making contact with him. He just doesn’t know that needed this as well. In fact, the entire time you were away, his foot mindlessly tapped in full expectancy of your arrival, waiting with bated breath. Not like he’ll admit that.

“Don’t you dare speak,” you threaten amidst your shaky hiccups, and he almost finds it amusing how you can still manage to act so tough in front of him when you’re already breaking down against him.

He secretly heaves out a sigh, the expression of relief escaping your ears, “Brat.”

Both of you stand there underneath the twilight to dusk horizon, ignoring how some of your subordinates watch you in shock, or how you’re not halfway the trouble yet, still utterly clueless of what lies ahead. Because right now, you were still together. You had each other, someone to lean on in this wretched mess.

Without the two of you knowing precisely why, both your hearts feel a tad bit alive.

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xgoldendays · 4 years ago

Text

To preface I’m not directing this at anyone on here specifically. I’ve just seen so much discourse over the past twelve hours that I feel compelled to write another speech because I am, in fact, a gallavich apologist and I can’t sit by and not say anything. Take from this what you will, I’m not here to argue with anyone. I’m here to state my opinion.

First thing, I’m not going to make apologies for the things they said to each other. Mickey’s comment about Ian’s bipolar was out of line and Ian saying Frank is worse than Terry was out of pocket. It didn’t make sense for them to say that and I frankly wish they hadn’t BUT when people are angry, we all say things we don’t mean. That’s not an excuse but when you want to hurt someone, make them feel low, sometimes people go for the jugular and I think in their case, they know the other can handle it. To say they wish they never met each other? They both know that’s not true. They know that’s not how they actually feel and it’s petty arguing for the sake of arguing that I blame on the writing.

I think what’s really being nitpicked at here is that Ian somehow loves Mickey less than Mickey loves Ian and as I always say, I’m a Mickey stan at heart - we know this - but to say that Ian doesn’t love Mickey the same is just not true. I’d be lying and I know a bunch of people will agree with me - if I said that my exes or past people in my life haven’t affected me. Everyone I’ve come in contact with that’s been in my life for an extended period of time, good or bad, sticks with me. You don’t forget the people that changed you. I hate that Kash and Ned were made out to seem like valid relationships and not Ian being taken advantage of by older men but like it or not, those men had a big impact on him. He can’t just forget about the past. He has trauma that goes undealt with and those times in his life have stuck with him. They take up some space in his heart because he was just a kid. He was just a kid who thought those men cared about him. I think it’s harmful to blame Ian for being changed by those events and for him to carry that with him.

87% is just a number. It’s a random number. Ian pulled that number literally out of nowhere. You can’t put a figure on love or how much you love someone. It’s been made clear time and time again that Ian loves Mickey. Mickey is the only man truly in Ian’s heart. He takes up a huge part of that space and while I understand Mickey is hurt by the fact that part isn’t 100%, I think the whole point of the episode is that he learns to accept it. Whether they argue or fight or do stupid things, they both know that the man they married is the man they want to be with.

Even more so, Ian was NOT going to cheat on Mickey at keg zone. It was literally just a parallel to Ian’s old life. To the mistakes he made in the past. They both had to face parts of their past that are ugly and harmful so they can see that they’re better for it now. They’ve moved past the people they used to be. Their relationship is far from perfect but when push comes to shove, they would never actually act on something that would hurt the other person that deeply. It might not have been presented in a way that’s easy to absorb or even completely clear without a good amount of thinking but being shown these little glimpses into their thought process, shows that in the end, they always end up thinking about the other. They always have each other in mind.

What it boils down to is that not everyone loves the same way. We don’t all show our love in the same way. How Ian shows it and how Mickey shows it are two different things. It doesn’t mean they love each other more or less than the other. It just doesn’t. It means they have to find out what work best for them, what lines of communication works best for them and they’re trying. They’re attempting to get there. I don’t think that’s a crime. It’s not going to be the way everyone wants it to be. It won’t be cute and adorable all the time. But they’re married, they’re together. They want to be together and they’re making the effort to try new things together. A number is just a number. It means nothing. They love each other so much. They don’t want to be with anyone else. That should be enough.

Also that mutual i love you should have been the tell all.

#gallavich #shameless #okay i'm done feel free to ask me more if you want #shameless meta #another long one lol

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ruby-whistler · 3 years ago

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Ok, I’m glad you could clear that up, just to specify I was talking about these very specific parts with what I was talking about:

. “Seeing this fandom dehumanize the character on such a large scale makes me sick and extremely worried for them, so shut up.”

You did in fact claim you were extremely worried for them. This could easily be taken as implying that you think it says something about their morals/actions/future actions based on how they talk about a very much fictional character in a post. Not cool. That was my only point there. If that’s not what you meant then good, no trouble here, but I’m just telling you because it can be interpreted that way, especially since it’s pretty common for people to say things like that in this fandom, sadly.

I’m glad you clarified the colonization thing, what you said makes sense. I figured you could of meant something like that, so that’s why I gave you the benefit of the doubt. People can totally relate because of their circumstances for any reason, it’s saying it’s canonically accurate when it is very much not which is kind of insensitive.

Your point about Sam was,,, weird? Your saying I can’t sympathize with someone who abused someone,,,, when dream is also some who abused some one. No where in that did I say it’s ok to abuse dream because of that, I’m just stating facts that yes, dreams actions hurt sam. Sam was very fond of tommy and no doubt hm having to deal with the guy who abused him, talked about abusing him, and then killed him would be traumatic for him. You can hurt someone while still being hurt by them. It’s not always a one way street. Again, that doesn’t at all excuse anything sams done, he’s done a lot of awful things, but it is a fact of his character hard boiled into his arc. It’s not exactly hidden away. Just like people are allowed to analyze why dream does the things he does, people are allowed to analyze why sams doing what he does. Doesn’t excuse it, but explains it. Here are some quotes from in game chat on foolishes stream that talk about this. Dream is not just “telling him what he did” he’s taunting him. This has been confirmed many times.

“He kills the other inmates. And laughs. And tells me to come in the cell so he can kill me too.”

“He tells me that he knows everything. That he is waiting.for the right day.”

He talks about at other times even earlier in the arc why he is so obsessedwith the prison. He feels like it is his duty to protect the people who he failed to protect before.

And I found the dream quote! He very much says forever. No questioning that.

“Tubbo, I’m gonna lock Tommy away forever, I mean I need him alive, but that doesn’t mean he has to be free, right?” There’s no reading between the lines that can be done there. He planned for tommy to have his current fate.

I never said you were hyper sensitive? I just said I personally deal with feeling like that (I often project into characters, and seeing people apologize for abuse makes me upset) so it was genuine advice to anyone who feels the same. If something is causing you genuine distress it’s good to take a break. No ones forcing you to, but it can help some people. No where did I imply that anyone was hypersensitive for having to do that? People who say stuff like that about characters should definitely stop, but sadly not everyone will, so it can be good to try and filter things/take a break so you don’t have to see it. Because it can take a toll on your mental health. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break, it doesn’t make you hypersensitive. And even if you are, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s valid.

The only reason I asked for you to wait if Anything I said upset you is because I really don’t want to get yelled at, and like I said, I don’t know you. I’ve seen people get really angry at critical asks before and it can help to take a step back before you respond. It was more pertaining to my sensitivity then any one else’s because being yelled at makes me upset so I really don’t want to be yelled at lol. It’s happened before in asks so I was just asking that if you feel like yelling at me please kindly don’t, or at least wait till your not angry, cause it will make me upset. Just a precaution. Sorry if it came off as condescending, I didn’t mean it that way (your response was fine btw)

ah, i think i see the problem - i need to stop with the confusing sentences, this is the second time in that single post someone’s misunderstood what i wrote. i hope you excuse me, english isn’t my first language.

There are literal abuse victims in this fandom, and I personally know a lot of them relate to what c!Dream is going through (more on that later). Seeing this fandom dehumanize the character on such a large scale makes me sick and extremely worried for them, so shut up.

this is the full quote. translation; i am extremely worried for the abuse victims that relate to c!dream’s character for *reasons*, so shut up about this not being a problem.

i never said i was worried for the people who dehumanize him, and definitely not because i was accusing them for this sort of thing bleeding into their real life ideals or opinions.

since our first debate, i have seen poc and non-poc from colonized countries detailing why it is colonization even if the of inhabitants were white, so i do not find it insensitive for people to say it - i don’t necessarily agree nor disagree too much either, but it wasn’t a point i was making in the post, and wasn’t what the problem was about.

please tell me when i said you couldn’t sympathize with c!sam, because to me it seems like you’re making up a point. i’m saying sympathizing with him in the situation where he’s currently abusing someone because you hate the victim (you being some people, not actually you) rubs me the wrong way and feels like people are trying to shift the focus. i am rather sympathetic to c!sam, or as much as i allow myself to be with his actions (similarly to c!dream). i’d like to think i do not have a double standard for any of the characters and c!sam apologists who do not excuse his treatment of c!dream or victim blame him are a 100% valid to feel the way they do in my eyes.

there is a difference between trying to protect people and that desire for protection blooming into hatred, as you put it “obsession” (being willing to break the rules to keep him in), and trying to “break him” so he “wouldn’t try anything”. c!sam’s treatment of c!dream is severe and i do not find it understandable, justified or excused just because the prisoner being kept in inhumane conditions is “taunting him”. i am not saying his goals weren’t initially good or didn’t stem from a good place, but at this point he has become corrupted and his actions aren’t what i’d classify as valid responses to c!dream’s “taunts”.

thanks for the quote. i disagree that he planned to put him in the same position as he himself, because my logical conclusion is that he wouldn’t he in the main cell, and would be able to move around the prison, as well as not be abused by c!sam (who would still be the warden). anything c!dream would’ve done is speculation and there is no proof to the fact that it would happen. the prison wasn’t “remade for c!tommy”, it was more like an “eh, it’ll do” sort of thing. the prison’s conditions were pretty much remade to store someone they hated and considered either a threat or a tool, hence lesser than human. no one else in the prison would face the same treatment c!dream, because they’re not c!dream.

i never said you were calling me hypersensitive, what i meant was, i was hoping you didn’t think my concerns were a thing of sensitivity rather than the need of the community to change something. i would rather continue making posts and analysis in an effort to actively shift the fandom’s perspective than take a break, but i get how that might be beneficial for me to do in the long term, and did not think you would write that with malicious intent or as an insult to me or my personality.

#my asks #discourse #c!dream critical #in ask #crit anon 2 #tw abuse #tw torture #c!sam critical

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basket-of-loquats · 4 years ago

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11, 16, 20?

11. Is there an unpopular you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

G-guys ima be completely honest here... I’m... a bit of su she apologist... like HEAR ME OUT!! its just, compared to the amount of apologism jgy and xue yang get, even tho they commit heinous crimes repeatedly and without apology and just like, are being awful people in general, meanwhile su she is MUCH less of a bad guy and people fucking HATE him?? its not fair!! Su She “betrayed” the lan clan cuz he had no other choice!! They were killing his clanmates, his brothers! and he couldn’t even get into the secret special hiding cave because he wasn’t “good enough”, because he was an outer disciple and didn’t have a headband! Nobody treated him right, and when he told Wen Xu how to get in he was kicked out of the clan without remorse or hesitation and STILL, he found a way to survive, no, THRIVE on his own, taking what he knew and what he’d learned and making his own sect from it!! And when ONE PERSON remembered his name, for the first time, and even referred to him respectfully (minshan instead of su she) of course he would want to listen and help that guy! What did the lan clan ever do for him? What did any of the major clans do for him! nothing! He thought jgy was completely in the right! People loooove to defend jgy because he works a customer service and job and wants to eat the rich but when su she does it they hate him! It’s just not fair. I’m not saying you have to like him, but if you are in any way a jgy stan/apologist then you should at least consider that su she is an interesting character and not completely a villain.

16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

Ohhhh boy. uh, this is a huge question. I’m not sure to be honest! A lot of the things that absolutely devastate and that I wish had ended differently I don’t actually want to change, because they create a delicious narrative and are masterfully written out. Songxiao’s ending devastates me, but it was a fantastic story and without that pain it would have lost a lot. Lan Xichen definitely deserved a happy ending, but I don’t know if I would change that either for similar reasons.

I suppose I would probably want to give Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian a real reconciliation. I know that’s a really common reply, but it’s the thing that has left the most frustrated. Their ending wasn’t good because of the tragedy, it was just frustrating. Jiang Cheng apologized, Wei Wuxian sort of apologized, they stared intensely at each other and then went their separate ways. For a relationship that drove most of the plot, it seems unfair that that’s all we got.

I also wish more female characters had survived, specifically A-Qing and Wen Qing.

20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?

fairy x little apple

IM KIDDING IM KIDDING i’d say xuanli! it’s just happy and sweet, and even though it ends quite tragically, the time they do have together with their son is so cute. Also, nielan is pretty pure!

And of course, wangxian, not because they don’t have tons of misery and tragedy in their romance, but because they’re literally the only ones who get a happy ending lol.

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woeismyhoe · 4 years ago

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Spill the tea, what's the deal with you and the BSG group (avatar-chang and her squad in particular)?

Ok anon, sorry for taking so long! I wanted to get everything right and honestly collecting the posts took a longass time xD

Anyways, the only ones I have a problem there are avatar-chang, hexful/dykesia/bizukos, catrademption, cardboardseagulls (never seen interacted b4) and bizulas (also never interacted b4).

I’m going to be really transparent about this whole thing so it’s gonna be long as there’s gonna be several links and I’ve included the dates so it’ll be easier to understand. Since I’ll be fully transparent about this, i’ll probably get hate or whatever. Honestly, I just want to put everything out there without being biased or hiding anything. I’m going to disclose everything here.

So, the whole thing between me and avatar-chang started off with this post I made last year on 10 March 2019. Afterwards, she PMed me on the same day and this was the conversation:

After that, I thought the argument was over because she blocked me lmao. The only ones I spoke to about this was nbw and my real life friends (who had nothing to do with ATLA lmao I just ranted to them).

And then the next incident I think was on 16 March 2019 when I made this post about Azula’s abuse of her friends. I was new and 16. I genuinely wanted to know why people labeled Azula as an abuser. It was dykesia who responded to me at the time.

Now, unlike avatar-chang, I had a few conversations with dykesia (who was bizukos then) that was generally civil. I first interacted with her when she made a post calling out Zucest shippers or something?? I was very new. Like fresh newbie baby ATLA tumblr fan new lmao so I thought what she said was too aggressive. I didn’t realize that there were actual Zucest shippers until after some time. And then she PMed me on 13 March 2019, saying that she doesn’t always agree on characters with me but I do write some interesting pieces on Azula— that she’s a huge fan of Azula but she just tends to stay away from her fandom. I apologized about the previous incident of the Zucest thing and it was fine after then. We talked about zuko, the fandom, the comics, Mai etc etc. I thought we were on fine terms.

And then I made a post about the cliff scene in the comics on 16 March 2019. Avatar-Chang made a post that was pretty directed at the post but it seems like she’s deleted it.

On 17 March 2019, I received an anon mail telling me that avatar-chang was talking shit about me behind my back. I censored her name then because I didn’t want to believe without any evidence. No one sent me any screenshots about it so I just dismissed it.

On the same day, avatar-chang answered an anon and talked about the 13 child post theory I made on 9 March.

On 23 April 2019, I received another anon mail about avatar-chang, asking if I’d seen the post she made about Azula. I censored her name again cuz I didn’t want to start any shit over having differing opinions. I’m assuming this is the post the anon was referring to.

On 28 April 2019, dykesia/hexful/bizukos PMed me to ask if I was talking shit about other people behind their backs, and her. I denied this because I hadn’t. This was how the conversation went:

Yes, I didn’t censor any name because as I said, full transparency. I have afp blocked because we’ve clashed several times and he’d still come for my posts last year despite already being blocked. If you’ve followed me long enough, you probably would’ve rmbered that time lmao

Anyways during then, I don’t think I realized that dykesia was actually being passive aggressive. It’d been barely a year since I started the blog and I just didn’t want to full out make enemies. Reading the messages now tho lmao she really was passive aggressive. But yeah then she said this in bsg so I don’t even know why she bothered to ask me if she wasn’t even going to consider believing me.

The 9th of June 2019 was the last time she messaged and it was to ask if I mind her discoursing this Zuko post while ‘hard and drunk’. It was the first time she could apparently agree with me so it was I quote a ‘Yay??’. Afterwards I don’t know when she did it but she blocked me lmao

On 17 July 2019, I received another anon mail telling me that avatar-chang publicly called me a bitch when she was answering an anon about me posting the scans of the EK Chronicles. She mentioned this in bsg again on 19 April 2020 lmao (she’s that petty) it seems:

On November 8 2019, an anon (one of avatar-chang’s friends actually) asked about my thoughts towards the allegations against Aaron Ehasz. I still believe in the system of ‘Innocent before proven guilty’, so I didn’t side with anyone. I tried to be as objective as possible. When I said that I hoped men would also come forward, I said that because I don’t want men to just sit on the sidelines and let the women get the heat if they were telling the truth. At the end of this whole thing, I concluded that Ehasz was a dick of a boss to the girls. Being called an abuser carries more weight than just being a dick. Everyone has been a dick at one point, but being an abuser is something else. Just because Ehasz was a dick doesn’t mean I’m going to stop watching TDP or dismiss his involvement in ATLA.

The next day, BSG brought the issue up despite both avatar-chang having already blocked me by then lmao

On 5 February 2020, after Legacy of the Fire Nation came out, I made a post calling out Iroh’s bs to Azula (guy literally blames Azula for everything that happened to Zuko (something which avatar-chang agrees with apparently, and Iroh even sees Ozai in a better light).

That’s so far what I’ve remembered that involved avatar-chang and dykesia.

Moving on to the next three attackers: catrademption, cardboardseagulls and bizulas.

I’ve seen catrademption around, but I don’t remember if we’ve clashed before. We must have though cuz she’s got me blocked lmao and I mostly only debate back to people when they reply to my posts. For cardboardseagulls and bizulas, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them them before but obviously they’ve seen my blog and misinterpreted everything I’ve written.

But according to them, I’m apparently a Azula apologist, extremist, irrational, toxic, coddles and woobifies Azula, justifies everything she does and invalidates abuse victims.

You can see the posts I’ve made to judge whether I actually am an irrational Azula apologist who blames everything on Zuko. One of the most recent posts I made about Azula’s character is this, and there’s still several more posts like that. Just search #meta or #analysis in my blog search and all of them will just pop up. I can assure you, I have never acted as if Azula has done nothing wrong or did everything right or whatever lies these people are spewing.

If anyone has proof that I’ve talked shit about people in the fandom to other people before, please, present your evidence. I highly think this is impossible because I actually don’t have many friends on Tumblr, nor do I usually initiate conversation because I’m awkward af.

I’ve also tried approaching those I recognized in bsg to find out more about the situation (and at least give my side of the story). Most of them have chosen not to speak to me LMAO but one of them who’s chosen to remain anonymous for their privacy, admitted that dykesia (hexful) forced them to block a blog before (after realizing they were interacting with said blog) and if not, they would be blocked themselves. I can’t post the conversation publicly because they’re afraid their speech mannerism will give away their identity. @space-sword has also shared his experience with avatar-chang on his blog and was pressured to cut off ties with ppb21 just to join the oh so magnificent Ba Sing Gay.

There’s absolutely no reason to judge someone based on their sexual orientation, race, color or age either. They rant about being discriminated against or being generalized or stereotypes but they’re the ones hypocritically committing these actions, and then justify their actions by saying ‘we’re oppressed, they’re not, so it’s not racism or discrimination’. And yet people still wonder why discrimination is still rampant LMAO

I can’t speak for the blogs they victimized in bsg, but I personally don’t agree with talking shit about them on a public server and then criminalizing them as if they’re actually predators. I also don’t agree with involving the blogs’ friends simply because of their association. I also don’t agree with demanding people to block blogs they don’t like because that’s just pure manipulation. That’s wrong and marginalizing people. Unless someone has actually been harassing or literally preying on people, then there’s no reason to actually go around warning blogs about them unless they’re asked about it.

If they feel uncomfortable about something? Then avoid that blog, filter their tags or even block that blog if they’re that uncomfortable—BUT they shouldn’t demand others to do the same just for their own benefit. It’s not up to them to decide what a person can or cannot see or who they can or cannot interact with. They’re not their parents, and they obviously have no right to pressure people into doing things they don’t want to. If they think it tactless that I shared the conversations? Oh honestly, a line was crossed when they spread shit about me so idc. If they actually feel terrible for being called out? GOOD. That’s what they should feel, because in no way was any of what they were doing right or justified. If they’re going to shit on me then expect to be burned because I’m not someone who’ll just shrivel in fear because they have a bigger following.

#ba sing gay #bsg

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sohoharlem · 4 years ago

Text

Since I don’t know exactly how many anons are involved in this and who exactly is who, I'm posting this as a post. This is also mainly directed towards the anon who I was responding to yesterday and then deleted some asks.

DISCLAIMER: Me calling you “babe” or “angel” or “mam” is not me being sarcastic. I actually talk like this in real life lol.

Here we go.

Hey Babe, its Soho here.

Let’s start on a blank page, okay? I want to start from the beginning here. I wish there was an easier way, but this will have to do. Let’s talk about the story from the beginning. You were there so you know what happened. Let’s recap.

Let me just start off by saying that I worked up until 4:30 yesterday and I was very tired. Exhaustion leads to human error.

1) I had an ask sent to me asking about my impression that I got from Sebastian Stan after meeting him. I answered them saying he was a nice guy.

2) You (or maybe someone else, there are multiples in this situation) quoted the anon in your ask and said

“Meeting him one time isn’t gonna prove that he’s a good person. His actions since last year show what kind of person he is, and it’s not good.”

Can I first of all say say I COMPLETELY agree with this statement?

3) Because of my long day, I accidentally thought that response that you wrote was in response to me MEETING him to which I said:

“I just described my experience, I know nothing else since I don’t know him personally lol”

Do you see the “lol”? I wasn’t being nasty to you, and I REALLY DID think you were talking to ME. I’m sorry if you thought I was being snippy or sarcastic. I swear I wasn’t.

So you can see why I answered the way that I did. I don’t know what other way I would’ve or should’ve responded since I thought you were speaking to me, okay?

This is where it got mixed up. I don’t know if you think I was insinuating something with what I said, but I was not. I was answering thinking you were speaking to me. So I admit it, that I DID read your question wrong. But again, up until this point in time I did not know that yet. I thought you were speaking to me.

4) You quoted my above response and you said:

“I was talking to the anon. Thought that was clear.” Okay. Great. Seriously. (again, not being sarcastic or snippy)

I then responded with, “No, mam, it was not.”

Now, when I said this, I did NOT mean it in any negative way whatsoever. I call EVERYONE mam. It’s how I was raised by my mother. I was showing you respect. I’m sorry if the way I worded it sounded like I was being nasty but I was not, I can guarantee you. I even call Tri mam, you can ask her yourself. All I was saying is was that it was not clear to me. I didn’t think it was important that I needed to justify or explain further details as to why that I had a long day or add extra unnecessary words like “i’m sorry I had a long day” and I read your ask wrong. It was my fault, Okay? I then finished my response with:

“Anon to anon. Previous ask” letting the other anon know you were speaking to them. I respected that you were talking to them.

I saw absolutely no issue in the conversation you two were having.

It was what came afterwards that had me confused as shit.

After all this went down is when I started getting asks calling our FAQ page “dumb” and calling me “a fool” because I disagreed with you (or you guys). Even though I had no idea what we were disagreeing on? I deleted these because these are BULLYING comments. Okay? You also sent an ask before that saying that I was “deleting asks because it didn’t fit [my] narrative …” and you went on to talk about Sebastian and Alejandra, which I have no idea where that came from. I was very confused. I was not mad at you and I had nothing against you, babe. Absolutely nothing. I only deleted it because of the hateful words you were using. Hence my post last night reminder our readers to please refrain from certain phrasing. That’s ALL.

So two things I would like to settle with you first. I want to settle this and lay a solid ground for me and you.

I understand why you sent those asks if I look at the situation from your POV. There was obviously a misconception and misunderstanding. Like Tri said, tone can be interpreted different on the internet. We read something and it can sound totally different than how someone intended it. Now this is me taking fault: When I responded to your ask yesterday, and you were talking to the anon, I read it completely wrong and thought you were speaking to me. Even then, I did not, I repeat I DID NOT, mean anything double meaning with what I said. I’m a face value girl, there is no secret meaning to my words. I’m not a bitch. I did think you were speaking to me, anon. I had a long day at work and was extremely tired and read your ask wrong. Human error. When I wrote both my responses to you, I was not saying it in a sarcastic way, or a rude way. I swear I was being polite to you. You read it in a tone that was completely different that what I wrote it in. I wrote them with a smile on my face. You misinterpreted my tone and words. I did not write them in a tone or with a double meaning. I sincerely apologize for the misunderstand we had and hope we can move on from the fiasco.

I would like to address when you (again, or you guys, I don’t know how many people I’m talking to here and don’t want to offend any of you) started mentioning Sebastian and Alejandra and this double Narrative thing, I only deleted it because there was a certain word in there that I did not appreciate.

But you know what? I’m going to do you a favor tonight. This is for you, okay? So we can put all this behind us. I did delete your ask, but I screenshot it before I did so, because I was going to use it in a next post with others that came in and answer them as a group. This one of the ones that I felt was okay to post. So I’m going to quote your ask that I deleted below and I’m going to answer it for you. Okay?

Again, this is me showing you that I want peace and a truce.

Your ask that I deleted and should’ve answered straight away. This is also to prove we do NOT stick to a narrative:

“Odds are you deleted that ask because it doesn’t fit your narrative. It’s clear that you guys excuse Sebastian’s actions time and time again with your apologist attitudes, whether it be excusing his hypocrisy or excusing this situation because it’s a PR relationship and Alejandra is the culprit. Stop with the misogyny. This is the 21st century.”

My answer to you:

First of all,

When me and Tri made this blog, we vowed to never follow one narrative. This is a place where people with multiple opinions can come on and discuss without the fear of feeling judged. Second, Me and Tri do NOT excuse Sebastian’s actions at all. We DO NOT approve his traveling during the pandemic nor the scandals he has been involved with the last year or so. It’s why we cut back majorly from his fandom. We DO NOT excuse anything he’s done. He’s a grown man. He knows what he’s doing. He is not being forced and he should not be babied. When I answered my above ask when I said “He did not seem like a bad person when I met him. He’s very kind and shows respect” it was because someone asked me about my experience from meeting him in person for a few minutes, they were not asking how I felt about him NOW or about his traveling or the race issues and all that stuff. I absolutely do not excuse his behavior. Again, he’s a grown man. He knows what he’s doing. He’s not being forced into anything. Right? Right.

Look, the point is, wording your question the correct way is KEY. You might come to learn that we, me and you, have more in common than you think.

Please take this as a truce. I’d be more than happy to address any other doubts you may have.

And to other anons who I deleted your asks, I’ll be taking a different approach instead of deleting them right away. If I get anything I feel reluctant to post, I will make a comment on here first as to why it’s being evaluated. Okay?

Love you all so much. And I'm sorry for this misconception.

Thanks,

- SH

#post

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vinatintasupernovita · 4 years ago

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just making it clear here now incase anything happens like a call out post or i get doxxed or something over discord drama, i’m gonna be going and helping confront and clear a friend of mine’s name against her bullies.

People who were mean and awful to her (calling her racist at every turn for non-racist things ((while remaining friends with someone who actually did and say violently racist things)) to demanding an apology then saying “were not reading it” to legitimately calling her a dog and ganging up on her 5-to-1 to yell at her.) keep pestering her and demanding an apology months after she left that friend group. So im going to defend her, NOT besmirch or hurt any of these bullies because that solves nothing. Legit it’s just a stern talking to about how what they did was wrong and that they’ll leave my friend alone

idk any of their tumblrs if they even have any, and my discord ain’t even linked to this acc or my tumblrs period, but on the slight off chance they try something against me or my friends i’d like y’all to know i’m Not some crazy ableist racist-apologist homophobe like they may claim, nor doing anything or have done anything objectively bad

im legit just trying to help my friend get closure because how they treated her was absolutely disgusting.

so... yeah. carry on

#important #genuinely dont even worry about it im just making this ahead of time #because i want it to be clear #that mine my friend and our other friends who are gonna defend her’s intentions are pure #and i know my mutuals understand im not a bad person but just incase they try anything #i cant give a whole lot of details about the whole ordeal cus idk if my friends comfortable with thaf #but i just wanted to preface it

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simonjadis · 5 years ago

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Anon I’m ASSUMING that these are from the same person; apologies if they are not

I would say that my feelings are similar to yours, but not quite identical ...

Disney’s handling has been imperfect, and some of the mistakes have been made the highest level (I know that people give Kathleen Kennedy a hard time, but if rumor is to be believed, some of the interference that made IX kind of weird came from higher than that)

for example, Kennedy said in an interview that she tries to find people who just make big, successful movies to make sure that these are also big, successful movies. I can understand that as being a safe bet from a business stand point, but that’s not the same thing as finding someone passionate about very specifically telling good, new Star Wars stories, which we did not really get in the Sequel Trilogy

(one of the most common theories that I saw from TLJ apologists was that people didn’t like that it was new/different than what they were expecting, which was really not the issue for me or my friends. Also it was just a speedrun of parts of Episodes V and VI)

I think that I’m “too close” to Star Wars to see it as a financial asset rather than a beloved universe full of characters and stories that I adore, but I don’t think that “literally just rehash the Original Trilogy for two movies and barely acknowledge any other part of Star Wars until IX” was a good idea

Rey deserved her own story. and Luke deserved to not be retroactively robbed of his

as for George Lucas, I do think that years of backlash over the Prequels sucked the fun out of it for him. Also, who doesn’t want four billion dollars? it was a sweetheart deal for Disney, of course

the sad thing is that this meant the end of Clone Wars, because Disney took one look at Lucasfilm’s budget and was like “OH NO YOU CANNOT SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY ON A CARTOON” which is why Season 6 was paid for by Netflix and why Maul: Son of Dathomir was a comic

I love Star Wars Rebels and I’m not trying to knock the show at all, but the budgetary difference was palpable. Clone Wars did have it a little easier because of the Clone Troopers (all having the same face), but on Rebels, you notice that 90% of the Imperials are the same guy wearing a hat with his visor obscuring most of his face. market scenes show just a few people (but plenty of Storm Troopers)

the designs of the main characters -- Ezra, Hera, Sabine, Zeb, Kallus, Thrawn, Kanan, etc -- are great and loving and detailed and most of those change a little over time, but there’s a reason that we only see so many planets on Rebels. look at the huge armies and crowds in Rebels. my friend @drunkkenobi is the first who pointed out to me that in Clone Wars, you sometimes see lines of ships (Space Traffic) and each ship in line will be unique, distinct from the others

it’s not Rebels’ fault that they didn’t have that kind of budget. that’s also why their space battles (and space ships) never quite look right. meanwhile, for Clone Wars, if they wanted a particular scene or ship that went over their planned budget, all that they had to do was ask Uncle George

eccentric billionaires funding expensive media isn’t necessarily the most sustainable model for storytelling, but it sure worked out well for Clone Wars and for The Expanse

(Jeff Bezos personally called up the head of Amazon Prime programming, who had already been considering acquiring the extremely good but expensive show, and was like “hey the cast from this show is at a thing where I am, I’d love to just tell them that their show is saved, give me it?” and we saw as many new locations in Season 4 as we did in the first three seasons)

but streaming -- where you actually get money directly from customers who then, through their activity on your platform, show you exactly what they want to see aka what is keeping them on your platform -- offers a new opportunity for high quality genre media. remember, scifi and fantasy were EVERYWHERE in the ‘90s and the early aughts, and then because too expensive for regular TV unless they had huge audiences. only through streaming do we have these new Star Treks, The Witcher, and the real possibility of a new Stargate series

why do I bring up streaming? because

The Mandalorian goes to show that Disney can 100% do good Star Wars. Rebels was good, despite its budget, but can you imagine how much better it would have been if it had aired on Disney+

as with the DC movies (three of which are good and I’m also excited for Birds of Prey), the solution to the our-movies-made-a-lot-of-money-but-aren’t-strictly-speaking-good is literally just “let the people who do the cartoons make the movies”

and now we’re getting a final, seventh (half) season of Clone Wars! twelve episodes looking better than the show has ever looked!!

if you’re like me, you probably thought to yourself “gee, only 12?” and, cynically, you figured that it’s a trick -- announced at ComicCon in 2018 to build up the first wave of hype for Disney+

and it is ... but it 100% worked on me, I signed up for Disney+ and will pay anything for Clone War

my HOPE is that this is a test run to see if people really like high-quality animated Star Wars stories enough to continue with it. there’s only so much clone wars that one can cover (my suspicion is that we will see Ahsoka fake her death during Order 66 in these eps, so yep, that’s the end of the Clone Wars right there)

imagine a well-written series with everything that Clone Wars had in terms of content and visual quality, but it’s set after Episode IX. to my frustration, IX ends with effectively the same worldstate as VI which essentially means that nothing much happened in the Sequel Trilogy. but imagine a series set after IX. we could see a new set of (Force-wielding) characters. we could see Rey, Finn, Poe, and Rose during some episodes. Rose could finally get to do something that’s not an insulting fool’s errand (she deserves so much better!!!!!)

we don’t need a new Big Scary Empire/First Order thing, just organized crime and pirates and Hutts and bounty hunters and individual planet systems going to war as the characters try to assemble a NEW New Republic (gods I hate the unchanged worldstate)

now, I know that Star Wars Resistance is not ... reassuring. this is the only screencap that I have from it because I couldn’t get into it. it’s not the animation (I enjoyed Tron Uprising and Iron Man: Armored Adventures and this is the same kind of deal), but three things:

-I watch Star Wars for the Force primarily; other stuff can be cool but I need the Force

-I will never care about ships racing and really I don’t care about an individual ship flying; I’m a Command Ship kind of space nerd

-apparently the writing doesn’t improve much during the first season. people tell the main character to not do something, then he does it, and disaster ensues. that’s ... it’s fine, it’s fine to exist as a show, it’s just not for me

obviously, not all Star Wars media is for me, but when something -- like TLJ or the Sequel Series as a whole (even though VII and IX are enjoyable) or Resistance -- disappoints me, I would never accuse it of “ruining Star Wars”

Star Wars is a whole franchise. the breadth of canon isn’t all wiped away by some disappointments. was the MCU ruined by Age of Ultron? no. it was a bad movie but from the same franchise that gave us The Winter Soldier and Thor Ragnarok. hell, Dawn of Justice doesn’t “ruin” Wonder Woman or Aquaman or Shazam. bad movies aren’t contagious

for the past several years, the Entitled Dude crowd has felt empowered. they were radicalized in the altright/redpill/MGTOW/meninist/nazi/gamergate/comicsgate/etc spheres of the internet and now they just have a reflex where they see any sort of representation and decry it as “SJW,” which they also seem to think is a bad thing

in the same way that well-meaning people on tumblr can get radicalized into being antis/puriteens, people with certain vulnerabilities on reddit or youtube can get sucked into a world that tells them that they are the default and that other people existing is “political” in media and in real life, and that people being upset by outright cruelty towards them is both funny and means that the cruel person is the victor. they need therapy and studios need to not listen to them

unfortunately, sometimes there are movies that are bad despite having things like solid representation. Ghostbusters 2016 was a delight, but my friends and I with whom I saw TLJ (all of us queer feminists) left the theater angry. we’ve bitten our tongues a lot (even if it seems otherwise) because publicly criticizing the film too often leads some incel monster to chime in with agreement, and we’re just like

the redpillgate crowed et all is a natural ally of conservative white evangelicals, even though the former group is generally made up of New Atheists (the short version is atheists who hold socially conservative views because racism/misogyny/transphobia benefit them without using christianity as an excuse). it’s kind of like how terfs will side with conservative hate groups because, though they’re natural enemies, they both despite trans people just for existing

unfortunately, when you’re looking at who went to see a movie or who hated it, not everyone posts with an ID card saying exactly their demographic. which is only going to make studios like Disney even more nervous about including queer content in Star Wars and in the MCU (I mean real queer content with characters whose names don’t have to be searched on a wiki)

that was a bit of a tangent, but yeah. sorry if I missed anything

#star wars #clone wars #anon #ask #anon ask

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