#i would let him commit atrocities both to my person and just. in general.

[corporalkiheart]

I just finished Long Live Evil and want the Emperor in a way that is frankly concerning. Sarah Rees Brennan knows her villain fuckers and what we want, because she is definitely one of us.

[the-music-maniac]

I have so many thoughts rn about Ao Bing and Nezha. Specifically, the fact that, by virtue of choosing to love and care for the other, Nezha and Ao Bing have already saved each other from their own worst fates.

Specifically in context of the 1979 version of them, which gave me brain worms from this tweet. First of all, absolutely KILLER fanart. I'm aware people have likely already made these connections and they aren't new, but I just have to ramble.

Trigger warning: mentions of suicide (1979 Nezha) + gore (1979 Ao Bing):

I know Nezha 2019/2025 had already started off with different premises, specifically being that neither Ao Guang nor Li Jing are pieces of shit. So, we don't really have the plot of Nezha being forced to commit suicide, nor of Ao Bing not giving a shit about human life and having his tendons pulled out as retribution by Nezha. But, we do know the general lines of how Nezha's story usually plays out. Nezha dies and is reborn as a lotus. Ao Bing dies, as punishment for the atrocities he's committed. That doesn't really change all that much, from how I understand it. And it didn't necessarily change in Nezha 2019 either. Nezha and Ao Bing both still die.

The difference is that they saved each other from it being tragic.

Ao Bing does try to do something awful. His motivation for attempting to bury Chentang pass was somewhat understandable, because he was given an impossible choice between the village or the destruction of his species. But he still does it. And Nezha stops him. But even though Ao Bing tried to kill everyone, Nezha chose not to strike the final blow because he cares about Ao Bing. Keep in mind, at this point while they do know they are each half of the chaos pearl, they didn't have their memories until the lightning strike, so they hadn't known each other that long. But Ao Bing was still the first person outside of Nezha's family (or in the case of taiyi, someone assigned to him by heaven), to actually offer him friendship and understanding and comfort. Ao Bing gave him hope. Their fates as adversaries changed in the moment Nezha chose not to go through with the strike, which is why I adore the shot of Nezha stopping his attack to point his spear at Ao Bing's dragon form. It's like a message is being sent - this is where it could've ended. This is where they could've fallen back into the lines fate had carved for them to follow. But they didn't. It makes Nezha yelling about fighting fate until the end in their ensuing conversation even more significant.

And because Nezha chose not to hurt Ao Bing when he could've, when he would've arguably had a right to, Ao Bing chose him right back. He put himself in the line of fire to save Nezha from the heavenly retribution, because Nezha in turn, gave him hope too. A human that never showed him any sort of prejudice for being a dragon, that cared about him enough to spare his life, that showed him exactly how it's possible to defy fate, both in regaining control of his demonic powers and, unknown to Ao Bing, saving Ao Bing in this iteration of their story. And in doing so, Ao Bing also saves Nezha from a tragic fate of dying alone as a sacrifice for the good of others. As Shen Gongbao pointed out very clearly, Ao Bing's mission could've been accomplished if he had simply let Nezha die. Nezha's been told for the entirety of the movie by everyone outside of his family that the world would be better off with him dead. But instead Ao Bing had decided in that moment that Nezha was worth more to him than what the world had assigned him as - a necessary loss for the good of everyone else.

And then both Ao Bing and Nezha were reborn as lotuses in the second movie by Taiyi. Together.

They changed fate, merely by choosing to love each other. They're each other's salvation. I am actually losing my mind.

[darth-jess]

Hello there! Care to share with me what got you into star wars (Anidala/Vaderdala, particularly)? And I'm currently reading Beauty & Rage, and let me tell you; Friday is one of the days of the week I look forward to along with Wednesdays (iykyk)

Thank you so much! I'm so happy you're enjoying Beauty & Rage, it's been so much fun for me to write it! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to your question, things have been a little crazy for me!

I'm going to start by answering your question of what got me into Star Wars:

I honestly don't remember the first time I watched Star Wars. Both of my parents were born in 1972, so they were 5 when Star Wars: A New Hope came out for the first time. They grew up as the Original Trilogy was coming out and became pretty big fans of the movies.

My first Star Wars memories weren't even of the movies– they are of my sister and I pretending to be Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader (I was Darth Vader, of course) and fighting with imaginary lightsabers. I must have been 3 or 4?

Star Wars was just a part of me for as long as I can remember.

Alright, what got me into Anidala/Vaderdala?

When I was 3, The Phantom Menace came out. I don't remember watching it, but as I got a little older, I remember thinking Padmé was awesome and she became my favorite female SW character (it was previously Leia and my favorite character overall was Vader).

I was 6 when Attack of the Clones came out and Anakin immediately became my first love.

Like instantly.

Second he was on screen?

Boom.

I was in love.

Anakin was my favorite character from that moment on.

And then when I was 9, Revenge of the Sith came out and it broke my heart. (ROTS is also what made me realize I wanted to be a writer.)

Even though I already knew Darth Vader had been Anakin Skywalker, seeing it happen, seeing why he became what he became and how it was all for love and then how all amounted to nothing… it just destroyed me, and I hated it and I loved it and it immediately became my favorite thing ever.

To this day, Revenge of the Sith is my favorite movie– in Star Wars, and in general.

When it comes to Anidala, I have never seen true love in any movie or book so all-encompassing, so pure, so transcendent. I love how Anakin and Padmé's love for each other never faltered. Even as Palpatine tried to poison it, he never succeeded in turning Anakin against Padmé.

I love (and hate) that scene in ROTS where Anakin and Padmé meet one final time, and they both hurt each other so deeply that neither of them ever recover, and it's all just a terrible misunderstanding. They both love each other too much to see through their own pain.

Padmé has gone to him, and is willing to forgive Anakin for the horrible things he's done ("Come away with me, leave everything else behind while we still can"). The understanding they have for each other is boundless. She understands why he's done what he's done, and yet he hurts her, and this is something Anakin would never do. This is so unlike the man she knows, he would never ever hurt her. And the fact that he's hurting her means that in some way, she has lost him– the only person she has ever truly loved, the only person who truly knows her– and this breaks her.*

Anakin has just sold his soul– he even cries as he stares down upon the lava rivers of Mustafar, and my interpretation is that he's crying because he's dealing with the terrible things he's done. But it's worth it, because now he'll be strong enough to save the only person in the galaxy who matters, the only person who truly knows him. And then she arrives, and looks at him with horror in her eyes and says she doesn't know him anymore. And he looks up, and there's Obi-Wan. And he realizes that the woman he's just sold his soul for, the woman he's committed atrocities for wants him dead. This is more than he can bear. He has not stopped loving her, he is just so consumed in his own pain– the pain of realizing that Padmé brought Obi-Wan there to kill him, the pain of realizing that maybe she doesn't love him anymore– and it hurts so much and he just can't listen to her excuses and her lies, because every word breaks him more.**

In my opinion, even in this terrible, heartbreaking scene, George Lucas (along with Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen) did a fantastic job of showing that they still loved each other more than anything, even here.

But everything around them was falling apart.

I loved it because– even at the end, both of them were trying so hard to save each other that they destroyed themselves in the process.

I hope that answers your questions!

Also you can read below for notes.

*Padmé is aware that Anakin is still in there, but what happened was so traumatic and terrible that she can't recover.

**I say this every time I talk about this, but I am not defending Vader's actions in this scene. I am merely providing context, because context does matter. His actions are absolutely indefensible, but it is important to remember he is not acting out of hatred, he is acting out of such unbelievable pain.

[pulim-v]

what are the *checks notes* obamitsu/muzan vs yoriichi parallels. Be insane

OKAY SO. I MIGHT JUST BE CRAZY

SO IN DEMON SLAYER THERE'S THESE TWO CHARACTERS CALLED OBANAI AND MITSURI

And they are quite possibly my favorite shounen couple ever.

So to give a basic rundown of their stories, both are very accomplished demon slayers (titled "pillars" because they support the whole organization), and they got the job for VERY different reasons.

Obanai was abused by his family. Rich aristocrats, who got their wealth due to the atrocities committed by a demon, they usually sacrificed all the boys that were born to said demon, but Obanai's heterochromia caught her attention, and he was left to live until he was older. Eventually, an older Slayer saved him and killed the demon (in the process causing the deaths of several members of the family), but the experience heavily traumatized Obanai - he feels at fault due to a relative of him blaming him for their deaths, he is afraid of women due to the demon's abuse, and he cannot eat regularly due to the abuse he endured. He goes into the Corps as a form of repentance - he kills demons and saves people to compensate for his cursed blood.

Mitsuri's situation is very different. She had a family that supported her, but she was born different. Her muscles are incredibly dense, which makes her physical strength very impressive, and her need for food very high (which had the side effect of causing her hair to turn partially pink). Sadly, though, that caused her to be rejected from society - when she was about to get married, her fiancé rejected her, telling her that her strength, hair and appetite were disgusting, and only a beast would settle for her. She hid her strength, dyed her hair and didn't eat nearly enough, living half of a life so someone would accept her. Then the leader of the Corps told her to use her strength to help people, because she was a wonderful person and shouldn't waste her talents. She saves people and kills demons because she finally found a place for herself, and in this she wants to find a husband, someone who is stronger than her so her strength isn't seen as a curse.

I could go insane over the two as a couple in general, but I'll save that for later. For now, let's get into Muzan and Yoriichi

Muzan is the king of demons, and the original person to BE a demon. As a child, he was incredibly frail and sickly, and his doctors all warned him that he'd die before he became an adult. One doctor, though, gave him a medicine that fixed his issues, and made his body much stronger, but it seemed to have some weird side effects. His body craved human blood, though that wasn't a big issue; the really bad thing was the face that he couldn't walk in the sunlight anymore, so after killing his doctor he used his newly acquired immortality to search for the thing that could fix that and make him a truly godlike being

Meanwhile, since he was a child, Yoriichi seemed very different from other people. He always had a sort of pleasant aura around him, and could see the inner workings of things without any effort. One day, while his twin was practicing swordfighting, his teacher seemed curious to see how Yoriichi would fair. What followed was him being utterly destroyed, Yoriichi striking four times in a mere moment and making him unconscious. This made Yoriichi be celebrated by his family, but he truly didn't want this level of fame - he ran away, and found the Demon Slaying Corps. He joined them, and taught them the way of Breathing Techniques, though they could never be as strong as he was. He finally found a place where he belonged, though even then he was never like the others near him, and they eventually rejected him too when he failed to kill Muzan.

So we have a cursed child, sickly and weak, who is fated to die at a young age but is saved by others, who hates their nature and tries to go against it, and an incredibly kind, blessed soul, who is unlike everyone else in their life, but never managed to find a home. The difference, in these cases, is that Obanai was kind and Mitsuri found her people. It's that Obanai was grateful to his savior and the Slayers accepted Mitsuri.

@risingscorchingsuns bestie sorry for tagging you in this but you're the KNY literary analysis moot to me and I want to get your input on this akjshdaksjhdjkash

[bardic-irritation]

liveblogging The Magnus Archives first listen!

i only recently thought to do this so! starting from where I am now, having gone in basically blind, i'll be liveblogging TMA. spoilers below cut up through episode 48.

First, what i knew going in: everything i know pretty much comes from Uquizzes, @ wolfythewitch, and general fandom osmosis lol. I took a lot of "which entity are you" quizzes a while ago. I know there are a bunch of different fear entities, i know some of their names, and i think the institute is associated with the Eye somehow but i don't really know how that would be? Anyways, thoughts so far:

Distorted Michael is babygirl. something's deeply fucking wrong with him and i fully expect him to commit atrocities any episode now but i think i love him :D

(sidenote why are there so many gd michaels in this podcast)

idk who this freak running around the office is but that is NOT my Sasha. give her back. she better not be dead already.

i'm assuming given that they specifically mentioned that table from ep 3 arriving as an artifact, that's how Sasha's been replaced? i can't think of any other case where someone was replaced like that? i'm gonna look like a clown if that is actually real Sasha but i just don't like the vibes rn.

speaking of the other archivists i LOVE Martin. he's giving both final girl and the first person to get taken out in a horror movie, with no in between.

obsessed with Paranoid Jon™ hunched over in his office doing the supplemental tapes and jumping everytime someone checks on him. love that guy. hope he gets more mentally fucked up.

i feel like i remember Elias being a controversial tumblr sexyman at one point? i don't see it. he's boring me to death everytime he's there, i have to assume shit gets crazy coming up fast though.

i'm really interested in the implications of Michael on the lore. I'm assuming he's a manifestation of the Spiral, but he's been the only "taken over" person at this point to actively be trying to help (in his own creepy way, but still). i'm assuming there's not really a moral dimension to these entities but are there ones that are more lawful aligned versus chaotic? is there a pattern in which entities let people who weren't their targets live and which ones make statement givers turn up dead?

do they "ally" with each other in whatever "war" is happening, like is Michael helping the Institute bc the Spiral and the Eye are allies (or is he only really helping Jon and if so why)? there's gotta be fears that heavily overlap (like the Slaughter and Death) and ones that are opposed to each other (like the Buried and the Vast), right?

Is he just playing the long game and if so what does it mean that the Spiral can/does scheme and plot in a way that whatever Jane Prentiss was part of didn't seem able to do?

Posts will be way shorter and as I have thoughts come up from now on, just starting with a braindump lol

[chrkrose]

I hope this is ok to ask, but what do you think of Daemon and Nettles storyline? I know you ship them, but what about how Martin writes it or the story he wants to tell/thinks he's telling? I'm not really a fan, much less so because by the time I got to that chapter I was already fed up with Martin. He's pretty much using F&B to talk about his favorites characters and while if you can't play in your own sandbox then where can you play, it makes it a little difficult to take very seriously

I wouldn’t say I ship “ship” them because it’s kinda hard to ship something when you have basically just the Wikipedia summary of what their relationship looked like. I think I ship the potential of the couple to a degree lol. And because I love cliche romantic tropes.

With that said, I’ve always been very cool about my ships in the sense that I know when I’m the one reading into it more than the story is giving me anything x the story wants me to see it in a romantic light. And I think George couldn’t be more obvious about how he wanted their story to be perceived as romance.

It’s not very hard to spot when George is going to the romantic angle of something, because his couples follow similar tropes, same as how it’s easy to spot his favorite characters because they all share similar traits. Nettles and Daemon in particular play very much into those things: Nettles is the underdog, who comes from nothing and is shunned by society, only to be proven that they are actually exceptional and special (with his more developed characters, Brienne and Tyrion come to mind, although Tyrion also falls into the next category) and Daemon is the character who commits tons of atrocities but has also certain aspects of his personality that are actually good and therefore the reader has complex feelings about him (Jaime and Theon are a good example of that in the main saga).

It’s only natural that he would pair these two together, especially if he can play with ideas such as the two coming from opposite backgrounds or clashing when it comes to their beliefs or even how they defy societal expectations when it comes to those characters getting romantically entangled. He loves to add any of those tropes to his couples (Dunk & Rohanne; Duncan & Jenny; Alys & Aemond; Jaime & Brienne. The last two in particular, it’s very very clear that Daemon and Nettles are the Dance version of Jaime and Brienne, to the point that even some of Daemon & Nettles plot beats echo those of Jaime & Brienne).

I think both Nettles and Daemon had different purposes in the story, each one having a different arc with a different goal in mind, and their relationship can be read in three different perspectives: what it means to Nettles arc, what it means to Daemon’s arc and what it means to them as a couple and love story. I can go into more depth about this if you want, let me know lol.

Ultimately, like I said before, people (sometimes willingly so they can fit into their own headcanons/agendas) misinterpret their relationship because they either want to close their eyes to the reality of it (“they are father/daughter” when it’s not because the book canonically makes it impossible and cmon, never mind all the obvious romantic imagery of their scenes and goodbye) or because they want to push a problematic angle that wasn’t really George’s goal (“daemon is grooming another little girl because is he’s a pedo” cmon George has a serious problem with ages in general to begin with, to the point I’m pretty sure he never saw a child/young teen in real life. Almost all of his romantic couples have a problematic age gap, which is why I can “overlook” this when it comes to Daemon and Nettles because it’s clear it’s not important in their case. Finally, because he goes out of his way to show that even though nettles is “young”, she is “older” than the girls he used to sleep with, and that with her it is “different”. I said in another post, he never wrote their relationship as a commentary about Daemon’s pedo tendencies, but in spite of it).

I think the story he’s trying to tell, to simplify, is of two awesome characters (subjectively lol. Nettles is awesome. Daemon is up for debate) he likes quite a bit finding romance and having an impactful story because since he likes those two characters quite a bit, and he’s the one writing the story, he can give them all the cool tropes and ideas just because. Which I get. I love Brienne so she’s always the most special one and the queen of everything whenever I write a fic. I can’t say I blame him for it.

And feel free to send me asks, I love answering it!

[kings-highway]

i have been wondering, do you think rion and kaito would get on? /what do you think an interaction between them would be like?

I actually think about this a lot. I developed them both for pretty different narrative purposes - though I did almost reuse Rion in the End - and I think both characters have a lot of similarities. Both, of course, are devoted entirely to protecting their families, and are focused on the generation that will come after them - Kaito more literally, but Rion too in dedicating his life and career to trying to resolve what happened.

That being said, I don't think they'd get along very well. I think Kaito would see Rion as soft and insincere, playing bureaucratic games despite formerly claiming to be an anarchist, constantly hedging his bets and hiding from the truth he's trying to uncover. Rion is basically a sellout and I think Kaito would have a lot to say about that. Kaito, in Paranormality, would have kept Daichi in S03 and fully embraced him learning his abilities to give him as much strength and autonomy as possible, and would not understand Rion's desperation to give him a normal life (Kaito has never grown up in a functional society and doesnt plan to start caring now.)

Rion I think would be unnerved by Kaito as a person, though I think wouldnt be as put off as Kaito would want him to be. "oh you killed dozens and have been forced to consume human flesh and commit atrocities to survive? Sure why not. You and all the other demons Im told are sniffing around."

Yeah the longer I think about it the less I think they'd get along. They'd definitely connect over their shared pursuit of knowledge and their desperate infatuation with their wives. (For reference, Himari and Hayami would not get along either. You'll meet Hayami more fully a bit longer into the End, but she's a little weirdo so I dont think they'd be natural friends.). They'd both respect each other understanding that they both but their children above all else. They're also both highly principled and deeply moral characters so they'd probably get into a fight over the purpose of a society and what it owes the individual or some bullshit.

You know what would fuck with Kaito? How much Rion looks and sounds like Daichi. I think that would bother him, since in the canon of the End, Daichi does "look" like his father in the way he carries himself, but takes far more after his mother in terms of appearance. I think Kaito wouldn't really know what to do with this man that looks so much like his son. Also he's so young.

So anyway I think an average interaction between Kaito and Rion would be Kaito constantly critiquing and commenting on everything Rion is doing, asking a billion questions, generally being rather in the way and aggressive and trying to take control of the situation (probably trying to get involved with the alien work and having his own ideas about it) and Rion just waving his hands like "Please for the love of god go away."

However Rion learning that in Kaito's reality so much of his family are dead or maimed might force him to be more empathetic towards the eccentricities of this annoying man. They could bond over that.

You know who would get along? Kaito and Oksana. I think they'd wreak havoc on Rion's mental stability going on side quests together. Kaito would be so happy to let her talk about every tiny little app on her phone.

Actually to be fair a meeting between Kaito and Rion would immediately turn into a Kaito Quiz Show in which he demands answers for everything about everything.

Rion would probably be lowkey jealous of the relationship Kaito has to Daichi. No he understands that Kaito fcking died but Rion was essentially absent from Daichi's life' and having to see / hear a different version of Daichi practically worship Kaito would probably trigger some intense insecurity.

Also I did a little art to compare my two Papa Sawamura OCs. I mean look at them. They don't look like they'd get along at ALL.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Oh, Wayne this made my day! Brief aside, I will be getting caught up on Time After Time this weekend after a busy one last. I got some nice girthy parts to enjoy! 😂

Omg I love the Cujo nickname and you found the sweetest little gif of Mr. King! Owen is not only a true narcissistic asshole, he's just a weeeeeee bit off in general. Like no wonder your daddy didn't trust you with the business ya little psycho.

And God, I’m melting here with Russell, the killing machine, taking charge and taking care of her. He’s soft for *us* 🫠❤️‍🔥 Michelle, you’re making me question my morals and they weren’t that high to begin with 😂

If you like this vibe, you're gonna LOVE the eventually Colter x reader series I do 😂

But Russell is soooo annoying here. Like, just help us with the murder, babe. If we wanted you to commit it for us, we would have asked like a big girl.

Awww, he really does like her 🥰 The fact he’s willingly staying in a house with another person says a lot lol

I think Colter at first just saw her as another person to help but grew to enjoy her company and that turned into a friendship, especially when they were both in this weird, angry place with Russell.

They have known each other for only a short amount of time. They’ve already shared more with each other than people during the first ten dates lol

This was definitely my "Speed" movie moment of yeah, you have intense chemistry and been through some intense stuff but y'all gotta sloooow down. They knew each other a handful of days and these are two highly independent people who are used to doing things their own way. I really wanted to throw in that adult moment of let's take a beat, hear each other out and go forward from there.

I have that song constantly in my head anyways!!! Can you not?! Russell’s Swifite is showing again 🤣

Ngl, The Tortured Poets Society played on repeat A LOT during writing on this one 😂 He's My Man actually comes from "I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)" as a little play on how Russell doesn't fit with normal people but perhaps with the reader, she could be that person that clicks with him.

I know you've read the books as well (I still need to read the fourth and am so excited there's a fifth coming out soon!) so I extra love your insights! I actually wrote this after only reading book 1 but somewhere in my gut I just knew Russell had a ragtag group of hardcore friends he could go commit atrocities with and they'd be game 😂

God, I’m fucking loving this dynamic so much!!! I’m a sucker for a brutal interrogation 😍😍😍 (Again, yes, I know the mental help. Will get on it soon… -ish)

Nah, we love that energy around here. See Exhibit A, my lovely little serial killer!Dean x reader story (and series) 😂 Owen honestly got off easy for how fucked up he was.

Aww, I’m so happy they made up too and are getting closer 🥰 The most frustrating part of the show is still how they brushed off Russell’s hurt over being accused of murder for twenty years by his own brother lol. I always loved that honest chat they had in the books about it 🤓

While I love how the show gives Russell a little more nuance and makes him this nerdy, fun foodie, they really gloss over that fact. Especially when they get together in Season 2 and it's like nothing ever happened. That scene in the books is one of my favorites and does a very good job of showing that kind, sensitive side to these boys that the show misses out on sometimes. Like especially how that book ends. Gah, it tugs on my heartstrings.

Aaah, loved this little tidbit about Dory!!! 👏👏 I can’t remember if they ever mentioned it on the show as well or if Dory actually lived on the compound till the end 🤔 (Still wild book!Dory has a wholeass husband and kids and goddamn escape plans set in place lol)

I think show Dory went with the aunt and uncle as well? I think? I'd love to see more of show Dory and see if she's like book Dory cause damn, that girl is just living her normal ass life until her brothers call. Then it's all go bags and super spy crap and it all happens OFF PAGE. 😂

I've loved seeing your thoughts on this series! I think you'll enjoy the two timestamps as well since we get to see more of the couple they are later on in their relationship when it's more mature. 😉

He's My Man (Part 5)

Summary: Russell's taken care of the reader's problem but things take a turn and the happy couple may not be so happy after all...

Masterlist

Pairing: Russell Shaw x reader

Word Count: 6,300ish

Warnings: language, gun shot injury/past drugging/brief mention of attempted assault (not shown) mention, angst, fluff, smut, stalker, murder, self-worth issues

A/N: Thank you all for taking this journey with me with writing this new character! I might return to this world someday but until then, please enjoy the finale!

__________

When you pulled up to the dark house, you noticed Russell’s car had been pulled into the garage and covered with a tarp. You swallowed as you pulled in beside it, biting back bile when Owen parked right behind you, preventing any escape if it came to that. You’d given Russell nearly thirty minutes notice to prepare. You really hoped whatever he had planned was going to be over with fast.

“Fuck,” said Owen, dashing from his car in the downpour to inside the garage. He shook himself off like a dog and pulled off his baseball cap. You’d seen the gash on his forehead before but from the overhead light, a skull fracture was very visible. The dried blood had matted into his thick hair and, along with the other injuries, made him look half-dead. 

“Why don’t you go relax inside, honey?” you forced out when you exited, slamming the door shut loudly, hoping Russell picked up on the fact you were here. “I’ll get the bags and then I’ll take a look at those cuts.”

“Thanks, baby. Don’t take too long.” You didn’t like how he kept saying that. He’d hung off of you at the store. Even if he wasn’t a raging psycho, personal space was still a thing.

You pretended to fuss about at the trunk as he went in the door from the garage to the house. It was quiet for a beat, your gaze locked on the open door in the corner.

Two quick shots rang out and you hit the cement floor hard. Nothing could be heard over the rain, your heart hammering away in your chest. Russell wouldn’t have shot Owen, would he? No, Russell would have snuck up on him, taken him out before he knew what hit him.

So had Owen been shooting? Was Russell hurt? You slowly sat up on your hands and knees, crawling along the side of the car until you reached the hood. You peaked your head around the corner and saw a pair of legs lying on the ground through the open door. It looked like Owen so you carefully rose, flinching when Russell came bounding in from behind you.

He held up his hands, your eyes widening at the blood staining his crisp white tee. 

“What-”

“My stitches tore,” he said, turning his bicep towards you, the blood staining underneath the bandage. “Are you okay?”

You nodded, glancing back inside to where the body lay motionless. “Did you kill him?”

“Not yet,” said Russell, inching past you towards a work bench. “Although he did shoot my fucking front door. Do you have any idea how much a custom mahogany door costs? I might kill him for that alone.”

Russell opened a drawer, taking out duct tape and zip ties. He slammed it shut, pausing with his back to you.

“He’s not going to leave you alone if I let him live.” 

“I know. He’s been following me for awhile I guess,” you said. 

“I can frame him for Elpine’s murder if you don’t want me to kill him.” You leaned back against your car, Russell setting the items on the bench and joining you. “I don’t have to…you know.”

“How are you going to kill him?” you asked after a moment.

“Bag over the head. He’s passed out. He wouldn’t even feel it. Are you sure that’s what-” You went to his workbench and ripped off a garbage bag from the roll, Russell closing his eyes. “Y/N, you should stay out here. Let me do this.”

“Owen started slipping roofies into my drinks when I was fifteen.” His head snapped up as you sighed. “He drugged me twice but nothing happened because my dad was around. I had to be more careful once dad started to lose it. Owen’s a good decade older than me I’m sure you noticed. I’ve been scared of this guy for too long. I’m not asking you to kill him. I’m asking you to show me how to do this myself.”

“I appreciate how strong you are but I’m doing it,” he said, taking the bag from you. You dropped your hand, frowning up at him. He sighed, stroking your cheek with his clean hand. “Your soul has enough scars for a lifetime. Don’t add more.”

“You don’t have to kill someone for me, Russell. You don’t need that on you either. Look what you’ve already done.”

“I won’t lose any sleep over him. You can do something for me though.” You sighed, nodding once. “Go back to the store and buy some extra large garbage bags and some duct tape, got it?”

“Um, yeah. Are you-”

“Y/N. We’re on the clock. We’ll talk later,” he said, kissing your temple. “Now go.”

Three Hours Later

“To be perfectly clear, I’m doing this for Y/N, not you,” said Colter with a coldness you didn’t love. You knew Russell’s relationship with his little brother was strained but you’d thought it had gotten better over the past few days.

“Yeah, well it don’t take a genius to see you like her better,” said Russell, Colter rolling his eyes, an uncharacteristic move. “I’ll never ask you for a thing again. You never even have to speak to me. Think what you want about me. Just please do this for Y/N’s sake.”

“I already…” huffed Colter when you side eyed him with narrowed eyes. He let out a slow exhale. “Fine. You owe me, Russell. Big.”

“Colter,” you said, nodding towards his truck. You left Russell as he went back to taping the large cooler in the garage shut. You assumed he’d put Owen inside and cleaned up while you were gone at the store. The rain had paused momentarily but there was another batch of storms coming through soon. You sighed as you stopped next to the younger Shaw, Colter crossing his arms. “I’m not letting you do this. I know Russell asked but I can’t let you move a body for me.”

He narrowed his eyes, face turning into a scowl. 

“I’m not moving…Russell!” Russ’ head popped up, Colter becoming increasingly annoyed. “Tell me what is going on right now or I swear you and me are done. Forever.”

Russell sighed, throwing his head back. “I may have lied about the Y/N wanting to tag along with you so she can tidy up her place in Virginia.”

“You what?” you asked, storming over to him. “You were trying to pawn me off on Colter again? For what! Owen’s dead, there’s no one left to bother me.”

“Sweetie,” said Russell, closing his eyes. “Owen should not have made it out alive and the fact he did isn’t good.” 

Slowly Russell met your gaze, ignoring Colter behind you. “So is this how it’s going to be? Any time everything’s not perfect you’re going to drop me on your brothers doorstep at the drop of a hat? News flash, Colter isn’t my babysitter. I’m a grown woman who has seen and handled more crap than you know. I thought you didn’t think of me as a damsel.”

“I don’t but-”

“But you don’t want me around for the hard stuff. I got the message.” 

“Y/N, someone else could still be left. They could kill you-” You held up your hand, Colter heading back to his truck to give you some space.

“I think I finally understand how you’re so perfect but alone. You live this life like you’re this happy go lucky guy but it’s a mask. All you actually see is the dark side of it. Of everything. You are more than happy to step into my dark side but you won’t let me see yours? You wouldn’t let me kill Owen. You won’t let me help clean it up. Even when it’s because of me. You have to always be the hero. Honestly, thinking about it, it’s been all my shit we’ve talked about. All you say is your got a dark past but you haven’t shared diddly squat. Is this how it’s going to be Russell? Because frankly, I want more than that. I told you I don’t need you to do things for me, I just need you to help me do them.”

Russell swallowed, face going stoic. “Maybe this was a mistake.”

Your heart dropped like a rock into the pit of your stomach, Russell’s jaw clenching. “You should pack up your stuff here and go with Colter. Go back to Virginia. You’re probably right. This was just attraction, plain and simple.”

“Russell, that’s not what I was saying-” 

“Yeah, it was. Just go. Please. I’ll deal with Owen. Just go back to Virginia and start your life over away from people like us.” With that he brushed past you for Colter, ignoring his repeated calls. 

“Asshole,” you mumbled as you went inside and shoved the few belongings that weren’t in the trunk of your car into a bag. You very purposefully left every pair of underwear, bra and pajamas he’d bought you behind. The cheap sports bra and cotton underwear you’d bought earlier would get you through until you were home.

If that’s how Russell wanted to end things, fine. You were free of the mafia. Free of guys with fucked up pasts. Your options were limitless.

And thank god Colter was smart enough to not ask about your red rimmed eyes by the time you were on the road.

Five Days Later

You gave Colter a wave from your front step as he drove off down the street. It’d taken only two days to drive cross country this time. Apparently you drove faster when you were upset. Or you didn’t sleep as much. Either way, Colter didn’t ask and was happy to get to Virginia where he had a missing accountant to find.

He used your kitchen as a base of operations and you let him crash in the guest room. In exchange, Colter got you hooked up with the basics of reward work. There were some extra perils to the job being a woman but also advantages that Colter didn’t have. He went over finding jobs, finding a team, learning how to get access to tools and databases. You didn’t have a lot of confidence in going after a full fledged disappearance yet but Colter mentioned it wasn’t always people that were what was missing.

By the end of his short stay, you had information overload but were grateful for the chance to start doing something good for once in your life.

Meanwhile, Russell hadn’t reached out once. You had to assume he’d disposed of Owen. You weren’t sure why you were still waiting for a text or a call. It was pretty clear things were over. Russell was too protective and you weren’t going to let another man tell you what to do again. 

Yet, you knew you were at fault too. Russell had just killed a guy in his house for you and he knew a hell lot more about getting away with a murder than you did. Russell had points for not wanting to involve you. And you had to be an asshole and pressure him for more when there was literally a dead body at your feet.

“I’m an idiot,” you groaned, leaning against the kitchen island with your head lowered. “Why did I do that?”

The doorbell rang, your head slowly rising. You sighed as you went to it, pulling it open quickly. 

“Did you forget-” You cut yourself off when you didn’t see Colter standing there. No, instead stood Russell in a trim black suit, his hair slicked back and a bouquet of orange and red flowers in his hands. “Russ? What-”

“Let me get this out and then I’ll get out of your life forever if that’s what you want,” he said. You leaned against the door jam, Russell taking a deep breath. “Y/N, I like you. A lot. Too much probably for how long we’ve known each other. Everything you said was right. I avoid my problems because it’s a hell of a lot easier to fix someone else’s in my experience.”

He swallowed, glancing at his feet. “Owen could have hurt you at that store. He could have taken you, shown up at the house and killed you. I fucked up and you don’t seem to understand that Owen’s obsession and how fucking smart you are is the only reason we’re still here and he’s not. I told you I took care of it and I didn’t. I was angry at myself and wanted you somewhere safer than with me so I pushed your buttons on purpose. I lied on purpose so you’d get mad and leave with Colter. You deserve a good man and I’m not him. I kill people. I use sex as a way to be close to women but then never let myself be in a relationship because I don’t want them to see beneath the surface and see the shit that’s in there. I want better for you than me.”

Russell looked up, a tiny smile forming on his face. “Can we try being friends again and maybe I can become that man that deserves you along the way?”

“Russell,” you sighed. You stepped forward, cupping his cheeks, green eyes full of caution. “We can be friends. I’d like it if we were more than that, though.” 

He slowly smiled, his lip ticking up when you stroked his cheek. 

“I’m sorry for jumping down your throat. You do not have to share your deepest darkest secrets with me, never mind the first day we’re actually together. That was unfair of me. I just want you to know you can share them with me if you want to.” 

“I’ve killed a lot of people, Y/N,” he said softly. “Dozens. Some of them, most of them, I never gave two shits about. No nightmares. No trauma. That’s not normal. It’s been years since I’ve felt all that bad about killing.”

“You don’t need to feel bad about killing monsters,” you said. He closed his eyes and you leaned in, kissing his forehead. “S’that why you didn’t want me to kill Owen?”

“Moral and practical reasons,” he whispered. “I don’t kill out of revenge. I don’t think I ever have. It always has another purpose. Protect someone, protect a group or the general public from a threat. Some psych told me once that’s why I don’t struggle as much with what I’ve done as some other folks. The way I grew up helped me with that. But I do struggle with it still and you’ve struggled enough. You don’t need that on you.”

“I understand. I’m so used to being controlled and told what to do…I can never go back to that.”

“You never will,” he said, opening his eyes. You tilted your head, Russell turned into your touch to match. “I’m sure I’ll fuck things up again. We can be friends if that’s all you ever want.”

“I don’t want to be just friends. So what if we fight? That’s what couples do.” You took his hand in yours and the flowers in the other, leading him inside behind you. 

“I quit my job a few days ago.” You froze, spinning around on your heels. He shrugged, still holding your hand. “I can’t change my life without making some changes.”

“You still want to do that home brew for a career?” 

“Yeah. I’d like to give it a shot.” He spotted the stacks of papers on your kitchen table and open computer. “Colter offer you a spot on his team?”

“He did at first but I want to try doing it my way, stop patching up the bad guys and doing something good. He warned me it can be dangerous work though, especially as a woman flying solo.”

“He makes very good points,” said Russell, thumbing at your lip when you smiled. “What’s that look for?”

“Maybe you could be on my team sometimes, show me a few moves from the expert.” You started to walk backwards towards your bedroom, Russell’s eyebrows raising. “If you want to.”

“I’ll show you any kind of moves you’d like, qark.” He held his ground though, stopping you in place. You waited for the but to come, for him to push back on getting back together. Instead, he took the flowers from your hand and went into your kitchen, finding a tall glass and filling it with water. He set the flowers on the island before rejoining you, resting his hands on your hips. “I like the idea of working together as partners.”

“But…” you said, Russell kissing the top of your head.

“But you are far too kind, my queen of darkness. I was expecting to get told to get lost tonight and I have plans I can’t get out of with my friends very shortly.”

“Oh,” you said, Russell’s finger tips finding the ends of your hair and playing with a few strands. “If you have plans, we can meet up another-”

“You want to know my dark side?” Your eyes flicked to meet his, your head nodding once. “You can’t unknow what kind of man I am once you do. I don’t blame you if you change your mind about me.”

“I want to know you. All of you.” He closed his eyes and nodded.

“Go change into something discreet. Dark clothes. Leave your phone home. If at any point you want to leave, say so and I bring you right back here, understand?” You nodded, Russell backing away. “Mind if I change in your bathroom?”

“You can change in the bedroom with me.” He smirked but backed away.

“Another time. We have an appointment to keep.”

“Where are we going?” you asked, Russell glancing away.

“Don’t be mad but we need to pay Owen a visit.”

Twenty minutes later you quietly followed Russell into what looked like a decommission warehouse that should have been torn down a decade ago. The building was pitch black apart from the single light coming from the end of a hallway. You stuck behind Russell as you entered the room, stopping when you found six different men and a woman inside, most carrying a weapon on their hip or tucked into their jeans from what you could tell.

And smack in the center of the room tied to a chair was Owen very much still alive. Although…alive was being generous. He didn’t look more injured than when you’d last seen him but his color was off and his eyes were red and puffy. He wasn’t even angry when he saw you, just…scared.

“He behave while I was gone?” asked Russell to a man and woman nearby.

“Tried bribing Doug and then all of us to let him go,” said the woman. She gave Owen a nasty look before turning gentle as she looked towards Russell. “I think you scared the poor boy, Shaw.”

“Oh, who’s afraid of little old me?” said Russell, giving Owen a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “So. Owen, my friends. Friends, Owen. You’re already acquainted with Y/N.”

Owen’s gaze flickered to you when Russell grabbed a chair from the wall and sat it a few feet away from Owen, facing him. Russell sat down slowly, nodding when you moved closer so you could see both their faces.

“Why’s he still alive?” you asked quietly. Owen’s eyes widened, Russell tsking him.

“On me, big guy,” said Russell, snapping his fingers, Owen reluctantly looking at him. “You got some options. Prison. You die very quickly. Or…me and my friends can make sure you die very slowly. Your choice.”

“Why didn’t you kill him yet?” you asked again. Russell sighed, glancing down. “Russell.”

“There were some things that never sat right with me that I wanted answers to. The stuff with your family’s accident and your dad’s paranoia, him attacking you. I had a paranoid father too. I know the signs, know that they want to protect us in their own way. The coincidence of meeting someone just like me was too high so I started to dig. You mentioned Owen’s drugged you a few times in the past and tried to hurt you.”

“Yeah…I’m not following,” you said. Russell stood slowly, staring down Owen like a predator with it’s prey firmly caught in a trap.

“I figured if he drugged you, who else had he slipped something to? What good man, good doctor, could a prescription drug running family slip into his drinks? The more I researched, the more my friends helped, the more we found.” Russell clenched his fists by his side, knuckles turning white. “Should I tell her Owen? Or do you have the balls to tell her yourself?”

Russell ripped off the tape over his mouth, Owen wincing as he breathed deeply. Russell was on him like that, grabbing his throat, not squeezing but adding enough pressure that it was going to be uncomfortable. “I told you to talk, you sack of shit.”

“Y/N, this guys is lying. I never did anything to you!” Russell’s jaw clenched and you watched him squeeze, only backing off when you laid a gentle hand on Russell’s shoulder. 

“He’s psycho!” said Owen, Russell backing up a step. You looked up to him, Russell’s face unreadable. “Y/N, baby-”

“Shut the fuck up before I stab you in your spine,” you said. Owen’s jaw snapped shut, a flicker of something in Russell’s eyes. Pride? Amusement? It quickly flittered away, replaced with worry when you held out a hand. “Can I have your knife?”

Russell slowly took it out of his pocket, handing the engraved handle out to you. You flicked it open and took a seat in the chair, holding it pointed down at the concrete floor.

“Owen. Tell me the truth and I won’t kill you. I swear. But I can get the answers from you if you don’t cooperate. Don’t make me get my boyfriend’s knife bloody.”

You heard a muttered damn from someone behind you, your focus on Owen. He sagged in his seat and closed his eyes.

“Our old fixer wanted out, wanted to go to the feds so my dad had him killed. I was eighteen and he told me to start earning my place as successor. He told me to find a new fixer. Your dad was one of the best doctors in the city. Things were…arranged. Two weeks later we-” 

Russell smacked the back of his head. Hard. Owen grunted, shaking it out.

“Two weeks later I…put a hit on your family. Your mom and brother specifically. We only needed one kid to survive and I thought a girl would be easier to control. I started drugging your father that night with antipsychotics to create paranoia,” said Owen, his head hanging low. “I orchestrated the whole thing. We fed him the drugs for years, it made him stay close if not a little extreme. It kept taking more though.”

“Do. Not. Skip. Ahead,” growled Russell, grabbing a fistful of Owen’s shirt.

“O-okay. I-I…I started thinking about how to get your dad to stick around once you grew up and you were pretty and smart and I thought you’d be happy with me.”

“How old was she when you decided this?” barked Russell. Owen whimpered, trying to curl in on himself. “Fifteen you disgusting waste of space.”

“You started drugging me then,” you said. Owen shook his head.

“Not with that stuff. Just roofies. But not enough for you to be completely out of it. Your dad started keeping a closer eye on you and I tried waiting for you to come around on your own but it was so hard when you went away to college. I knew I couldn’t let you run off like that again so…” Owen’s shoulders shook, mouth snapping shut.

“So you roofied her, attacked her and she fought back. Her father protected her and you fucking killed him for it. Your dear old daddy found what you’d done and wasn’t happy, was he? He covered up your murder and blamed her father knowing Y/N wouldn’t remember a thing. Y/N was forced to go to med school and learn crap she didn’t want to all while daddy had you banished away from her. You tried to keep tabs on her but it wasn’t until dad died that you could finally take Y/N like you wanted. It’s pure fucking luck I showed up when I did to make sure that didn’t happen. Would you like to tell Y/N about the fucking padded door locks and bars on the window in her old room back at the house? About your plans for her?”

Russell grabbed Owen’s hair, forcing his head up. Owen was trembling, whispering apologies and saying how he didn’t mean it, over and over.

“So…you killed my family…and tried to assault me more than once over the years…and were planning on keeping me as a…pet in the house until I magically fell in love with you. I think that sums it up,” you said. You stood up, handing Russell his knife. “I’m not going to kill him.”

“Thank you,” sighed Owen in relief. “Thank you. I-I knew you’d be able to forgive me-”

“Oh, I don’t forgive you and I wouldn’t be thanking me,” you said, smiling up at Russell. ““Papa Elpine and a few guys made it out I heard. Bobby was his favorite son, right?”

“Y/N! I killed Bobby! They’ll-” Russell shoved some tape over his mouth and hummed.

You crossed your arms, Russell tilting his head at you. “You know they’re going to torture Owen to death.”

“I said I wouldn’t hurt him and I’m keeping my word,” you said, Owen shouting under the tape. “I’d tell you to confess but Elpine’s connected. He’d just have you killed in prison. So. Elpine it is.”

“You sure?” asked Russell. You pursed your lips, Owen pleading with his eyes. Everything in you wanted to say yes, let him get what he had coming. 

So why couldn’t you say it? 

You looked to Russell, nodding. “Get rid of him, please,” you mouthed.

“Look away,” said Russell. You turned around, Owen panting hard before there was a loud crack and the room was still. Russell’s hand found your shoulder, rubbing it softly. “We took care of Elpine’s guys. You know that.”

“I just wanted him to be as scared as I’ve been. I-I just…why’d it have to be my family?” You found his face, Russell smiling sadly.

“I’ve asked myself that question a lot over the years. Best I came up with is you got to try and let it go. The world’s good and bad and that’s all there is to it.” He wrapped his arm over your shoulder, walking you towards the door. You nearly looked back but he blocked you with his body. “No. He’s gone for good, you don’t need to give him anything more. I’m sorry for not killing him back in Washington. I just thought you deserved the truth. Your dad was a good man.”

“Thank you,” you said, closing your eyes. “I wish I realized that sooner.”

“Come on,” he said, walking you out to the hallway. “Let’s get you home.”

One Month Later

You smiled from your chair when Russell let out a single tiny snore from the couch across from you. He hadn’t gotten much sleep the past few days and honestly, it was kind of adorable the way this incredibly dangerous man made the cutest cooing noises while he slept.

“You’re staring at me,” he mumbled without opening his eyes a few minutes later. You looked around, holding up a finger. “I can feel you watching, like a creeper.”

“Well, you make these cute sounds when you sleep,” you said. He smirked, slowly flicking his lazy eyes open.

“And who’s fault is it that I haven’t been sleeping, hm?” You shrugged and slid down in your chair with your book, grinning behind the pages. “I can see that smile, you know that?”

“Don’t blame me for the amazing orgasms you give,” you said, flicking your eyes over the top of the book, Russell propping himself up on his elbows with a predatory gaze. “Down boy. Later.”

“You better,” he said, plopping back with a huff. “Remind me to never help Frank with a favor ever again.”

“Frank helped you with Owen,” you reminded him. Russell scoffed.

“All he did with Owen was stand there and look scary. I didn’t make him build a fucking deck in the pacific northwest in forty degree weather.”

“Aw, is baby boy cranky?” you teased. He growled, playfully tossing his pillow at you. “You guys should wrap up tomorrow, right?”

“That’s the plan. Then I’m going back to waking up at a humane hour,” he said, forcing himself to sit up and stretch out with a few grunts. “How long was I out?”

“About an hour and a half. You needed it,” you said, flipping a page. Russell glanced over to the dining table, taking in the decorated spread. 

“You set a place for Colter?” he asked. 

“Yes…right next to Dory’s,” you said, closing your book and setting it aside. “You still think he won’t come?”

“He’s not the kind of guy to come to a housewarming party. Especially his brother’s housewarming party. We still haven’t talked since…” 

“I know,” you said, standing and pulling him to his feet. He was still sleepy as you ruffled his hair, Russell turning into the touch. “I’m excited to meet your friends and family properly.”

“They want to know all about you, that’s for sure,” he chuckled. “You can’t imagine the amount of shit they’ve given me after I said I’d never settle down.”

“I moved in a week ago. We’re a ways from settling down,” you said. He titled his head, smiling at you. “Don’t give me that face.”

“What face?” he teased, leaning in close, dipping his head, kissing under your jaw.

“Shaw! Do not give me a hickey! I do not want them seeing-” You sucked in a breath, brain going fuzzy when he nipped at the soft flesh. 

“Too bad, qark. If I have to have hickeys all over my neck then so do you,” he said, suckling the skin. A buzzer went off in the kitchen and he groaned when you slipped away so the rolls wouldn’t burn. “Y/N…”

“Saved by the bell,” you said, taking out the pan and leaving them to cool off. Russell was by your side quickly, hands on your hips so you couldn’t escape. “Okay. How about you can give me as many hickeys as you want later if you’re a good boy this afternoon?”

“Hm, I do like being your good boy,” he said, squeezing your hips. “Deal.”

“Good. Where do you keep-“

The doorbell trilled, your heads turning towards the front windows. A familiar pickup truck was out front, Russell raising his eyebrows. You nodded for the door, Russell cautious as he answered. Colter stood on the front porch with an awkward forced smile and a pink box.

“I uh, picked up some dessert for dinner later,” he said offering the box. Russell took it, setting it aside on the front table. “You going to invite me in?”

“I thought you…” Russell shook his head and opened the door wider, letting his younger brother inside. Colter gave you a brief smile before clearing his throat.

“I uh, can help you get ready or cook. I just…last time we talked Russell…”

You smiled to yourself when Russell closed the gap between them, giving Colter a strong embrace. “Let's leave that shit behind us. Thanks for coming, Colt.”

“Yeah,” said Colter, returning it for a moment before the boys broke apart. “How’s the girlfriend situation working out for you?”

“I’m telling you man, find the right girl, you’ll never want to go back to being a loner,” said Russell, giving you a smirk. “They do come with a lot of rules though, fair warning.”

“I asked you to put the toilet seat down, Shaw,” you chided. 

“Like I said, rules,” teased Russell. You picked up a knife by your cutting board, narrowing your eyes. “We should help before she starts using that on us.”

“Yes you should,” you said, Colter shrugging out of his jacket and boots, joining your side after washing up. “Can you cut up the veggies into strips?”

“Can do,” he said, swapping places with you. You smiled when Russell took the dessert box and started to arrange the treats on a platter over on the dinning table. “I’d like to apologize for my behavior the last time we were all here.”

You frowned as you peeled a bag of potatoes into a bowl. “You mean when I lost my cool on Russell? You have nothing to apologize for Colter. We were asking you for a favor. Again. I’m honestly surprised you don’t hate me. I know you value your alone time.”

Colter was quiet, chopping neatly and pushing the scraps into a discard bowl. “Did Russell ever tell you how he got that gunshot he went to you for in the first place?”

“Someone kidnapped Doug. He went to save him.”

“Did you know I helped him with that?” You shook your head, setting the peeler down. Colter had stopped dicing, a barely there smile crossing his face. “If it weren’t for my brother asking for my help with his friends, I’m not sure we ever would have spoke again.”

“I know there’s a complicated history there.” He hummed, watching Russell across the room. “It means a lot to him that you’re trying too.”

“S’all we can do is try, right?” he said, going back to his cutting. “So. My brother is clearly head over heels. What about you? Should I expect a wedding invitation soon?”

“Uh, no,” you said, laughing to yourself. “We’re certainly not traditional but we’re nowhere near ready for that. We’ll see how living together goes for awhile before we talk about anything like long term plans.”

“Yet you moved in already.” You rolled your eyes. “Just an observation.”

“For convenience sake. Russ is looking into land for the brewery around here since he left his job and apartments in town are limited.”

“Right. I’m sure that’s it. Silly me,” he said. You held up your peeler to him, Colter raising his hands. “Russ, I think I broke one of your girlfriend’s rules.”

“It was nice knowing ya,” said Russell with a chuckle. “Give him a swift death for me, qark.”

“Qark?” asked Colter as you turned your attention to the potatoes. 

“Queen of darkness. Now hurry up with those so you and Russ can have some alone time before dinner.”

Six Hours Later

“This is going well,” said Russell to you in the kitchen as laughed and a smoky scent filtered in from the back porch. “Everyone really likes you.”

“I suppose I have met them all before, except for Dory. She’s such a sweetheart. I don’t know what I was expecting but-”

“She was much younger than us when our dad died. After she went to live with our aunt and uncle. She’s tough but normal in a way Colter and I won’t ever…” You rubbed his back, his strong arm wrapping around your waist to keep you close. “Did you like, drug him? Or bribe him? I seriously can’t believe he’s still here let alone came.”

“Of course he came. No matter what’s happened in the past, he loves his big brother.” Russell tucked you into his side, smiling when you rested your head on his shoulder. “I found a job in Wyoming. Missing prized show dog. I was going to head out in the morning, see if I’m any good at this.”

“You’ll be wonderful,” he said, kissing the top of your head. “Be safe though.”

“I will be.” You turned in his hold to face him, wrapping your arms around his back in a hug. “It’s been a long time since anyone cared if I was safe. It’s nice. This weird little family you have is…I’m jealous to be honest.”

“You shouldn’t be. It’s yours too.” You raised your eyebrows, Russell raising his own, eyes going wide. “No! No, I don’t mean like, officially yours. Like metaphorically. I’m not ready for anything official. Someday but so not right now.”

“Me either,” you said, the tension running out of his face. “I want to know who we are without our old jobs, how to be a happy queen of darkness.”

“We’ll figure it out together,” he said. “Speaking of which, I got you a present for helping organize all of this and cooking for ten people after literally just moving cross country. I know it was stressful so I wanted to make it up to you.”

“I don’t need a present, Russ,” you said, a sneaky smile forming on his face. “Oh. This is a present for the both of us.”

“I got you a new pair of jammies, the lilac set this time,” he said. Russell’s smile grew as yours did, his arms lifting you off the ground, bringing you to eye level. “You deserve all the good things in life, qark.”

“I think we got something pretty good starting right here,” you said, kissing him once, Russell humming.

“I couldn’t agree more, baby. Couldn’t agree more.”

__________

[inke-ri]

So I couldn't help but browse the THG tag bc those books own my whole heart. I actually check it now and again, and it's been interesting see how opinions have changed over the years, especially in regards to Gale and Peeta. Going through the evolution of them as just potential love interests to being far more complex than I could have expected has been a wild ride. Crazy how this reads different than from when I was a preteen.

That said, I wanted to give my unsolicited two cents on my boys, because though I have been enjoying the discussion on Peeta and Gale and what they mean to the story, I also feel like reducing them to Peeta = peace and Gale = war is far too simplistic... and oftentimes unfair to one or both of them.

See, I don't think Peeta and Gale are peace and war/destruction. They're compassion and indignation.

Peeta worries about the other tributes, or their families, or how to repay people like Rue and Thresh for what they did.

Gale is indignation at how the Capitol treats its citizens, it's anger at the injustice of inequality and brutality.

Both are needed in a story like THG. You can't have people like even Peeta not say something like "maybe we're wrong about keeping things quiet in the districts", you can't have him not drop the baby bomb, you can't start a revolution without Gale's indignation at the status quo. At deserving a better life but being denied it, at having your kids be mercilessly killed for literal sport.

However, if you start a rebellion and loose sight of your compassion, you end up no better than the people you're fighting against. Gale wasn't a bad person, imo. His heart was in the right place. He was flawed, yes, but so is everyone in this series. Gale, most importantly, lost sight of the line between fighting for the people he cared about and fighting against the people who hurt him.

Reducing Gale's indignation to just revenge and hatred ignores so much of what he stands for. Who hasn't seen laws passed that dehumanize people, who hasn't been angry and furious when someone is elected who fundamentally hates everything you are, who doesn't think some people need to pay for the atrocities they committed? There's a little bit of Gale in every single one of us - and it's important that it's there, because that's what gives us strength to challenge the status quo and make life better for the future generations.

But. You can't let it take over. You can't loose sight of your compassion or your empathy.

That's where Peeta comes in. Peeta is the voice in your head that worries about how many good lives will be lost when they give themselves up for this cause. Peeta is the worry about the people caught in the crossfire. Peeta is rebuilding when it's over and believing that the next generation will have a better life than your own. Peeta is being kind, even to people who may not deserve it.

And Gale... Gale looses sight of his compassion, and he doesn't realize it until it smacks him in the face when the bombs go off and Prim is gone and he's too far gone. Meanwhile, Peeta advocates for the end of the war even though it means the status quo remains - and regardless of what he believes himself, I don't think Suzanne chose him to say those lines by chance. It means both mindsets have their flaws: too kind and things that shouldn't remain will never be challenged and changed, too angry and you may loose sight of what you're fighting for.

And that's just how Suzanne uses her characters, both of them, all of them. Just look at who is with Katniss depending on the situation:

- Katniss chooses to "rebel" after Gale is brutally whipped. She kisses him.

- Katniss realizes that in order for D12 to rebel, everyone would need to be in on it, and she realizes most of them are not like her, that they're scared and she understands, emphasises with them. Peeta walks by her side.

- Katniss finally does it though, shoots the arrow at the force field, and Peeta is taken from her, it's now Gale by her side.

(You can't start a rebellion without indignation, and sometimes you HAVE to do it or things will never change, regardless of the inevitable pain that will come along.)

- Katniss is righteously angry at the Capitol bombing a hospital full of innocents to make a point. Gale remains there.

- Coin twists people's compassion into an army to fight for her own personal gain. Peeta is hijacked and looses his sense of self.

- Katniss and Gale go to District 2 and even though she tries to be like Peeta, she's still shot- reinforcing Gale's views, the person who was with her during that sequence.

- Katniss is angry at Snow, Katniss goes to the Capitol to kill him. Gale is there.

- Katniss gets in way over her head and realizes she is responsible for the death of most of her squad. She shares the lamb stew with Peeta, and later cleans his wounds.

- Finnick dies and she's at her lowest up until that point and all she wants to do is give up and give in to the anger. She kisses Peeta and begs him to stay with her.

... Claiming that Gale is destruction ignores the fact that he's with Katniss through her own moments of strength. Her desire to change things, to fight back, is as important as her compassion. Mockingjay just brutally shows you what war does to your indignation, to your compassion. How easy it is to cross a line between righteous anger and revenge, or how your sense of empathy and compassion can be manipulated into something monstrous by others, or by all the terrible, brutal, painful things you see.

How easy it is to loose yourself- and that goes for both of them.

Peeta and Gale aren't static characters, they go from representations of sentiments regarding an injust government to what happens to those feelings when an extreme situation such as war breaks out. All of that, by the way, while dealing with this duality themselves, because they are still characters who think and feel and struggle and have flaws of their own- and while I love what they stand for, I've seen too many comments that pin everything into what they mean, that they forget that Peeta and Gale are still people, they aren't perfect metaphors. They're human.

Ultimately, Katniss doesn't really choose peace. She wants peace, yes. But what she chooses is compassion. empathy. hope. There's a time and place for anger at injustice. There's a time when fighting back is the right thing to do. There are even times when you wanna give in to your despair and lash out. But if you want peace, then you have to choose Peeta, because Peeta represents what you need to focus on to achieve that peace. You have to let go of the anger or you won't ever rest. So Gale leaves, and does not come back... And yet, Katniss still has her moments of indignation, of making a stand, even as he goes - she still casts her vote at that meeting, she still shoots Coin. Katniss does not abandon that part of who she is. It's just not her main drive anymore.

So then she goes on to make the choice, every single day, to be compassionate to others. To have hope. To rebuild. Of course she chooses Peeta.

... Idk, man. These boys are so much more than what I see them so often reduced to. They're in all of us. There will be times to stand and fight, and times to show mercy and be kind. We just need to find that balance, as Katniss eventually did.

[progg]

Chasing Shadows

As of Chapter 397 of Hunter x Hunter, I'm no longer certain the Phantom Troupe is responsible for the Kurta massacre. In this post, I’ll explain why I hold this belief, who I think might be responsible, and why Kurapika’s revenge mission may be even more misguided than we thought.

Asking the Question

As I touched on in my analysis of Chapter 393, it’s a common writing tactic to have characters ask questions the readers should be asking themselves. Togashi employs this strategy frequently. On the Black Whale, Hisoka has been asked three times about his identity, but he has never definitively answered.

In a similar vein, the Troupe has been asked twice about whether they were responsible for the Kurta clan massacre.

Chapter 81:

Chapter 116:

In both cases, the Troupe gave a non-response. In fact, it’s Kurapika who repeatedly assigns blame to the Troupe, and he’s not exactly the most reliable source.

Uvogin does claim to remember something resembling the Kurta massacre, but it’s possible this was an act.

He refers to the event in only vague terms, using the knowledge that Kurapika has already provided him. As for the details he does provide, they are dubious at best. Uvo claims the Kurta were "pretty powerful", and while that may be true, it doesn't really add up. He also says Chrollo took “quite a liking” to the Scarlet Eyes which is just... weird. It suggests a shallow, materialist view that Chrollo has never expressed.

In Chapters 397, it’s revealed that the Troupe planned to garner a nasty reputation in order to protect Meteor City. 

This is all wrapped up in an allegory about acting. The Troupe want to “play the role of villains”, especially Uvogin.

It’s even in the name: Phantom Troupe. As in not real, fake, an illusion. I’m not saying the Troupe are completely free of wrongdoing, but it would have been in their interest to claim credit for the massacre (even if they didn’t actually do it).

On that note, it’s very possible Uvo was fibbing to Kurapika during their fight—playing the villain to antagonize him.

Sheila ‘the Good’

At first glance, Kurapika’s backstory chapters seem to unmistakably peg the Phantom Troupe as the culprit. Sheila’s actions are especially suspicious, as she seems to reinjure herself several times, suggesting she is faking her injury.

Not to mention, at the end of the chapter, the traveler who discovers the massacre is said to be a woman. 

All of this is meant to lead the reader to the conclusion that the Phantom Troupe committed the atrocity with the help of Sheila.

However, Chapters 395-397 paint a very different picture of Sheila. We learn that Sheila actually has a tendency to injure herself while walking, and this could very well explain her behavior in Kurapika’s Memories.

Her right leg is perennially in a cast because she keeps re-injuring it.

We also learn that Sheila was the closest to the Sarasa, whose death catalyzed the Troupe’s descent into villainy.

Sheila says, ‘we’re a package.’ Then she trips again.

Hyping up her friend.

Sheila is the first to offer Chrollo help in searching for Sarasa, and she is close enough to be acquainted with her nannies.

After Sarasa’s death, Chrollo plans to play the villain, enacting revenge on her killers and protecting Meteor City. Sheila disapproves of Chrollo’s plan, and she leaves Meteor City with a dejected expression.

Chrollo himself admits that Sarasa would not condone their plan, and it’s likely that, given how close they were, Sheila objects for the same reasons.

Replace Sarasa with Pairo here. Kurapika and Chrollo are very similar...

In general, flashback Sheila is shown to be a very kind, sympathetic character. It’s possible she gave D Hunter to Kurapika and Pairo out of generosity, which is impressive considering her attachment to the book and her lack of personal belongings.

The official translation for the top-right panel “I don’t really have much. In return, let’s see...”

The Manner of the Massacre

Whether or not Sheila was involved, there is still a major piece of evidence connecting the Troupe to the massacre. The second half of the Law of Retribution, a saying associated with Meteor City, is left behind at the scene. However, if we look at the manner of the massacre, it more closely resembles the work of the mafia. Consider the similarities between the genocide of the Kurta and the murder of Sarasa.

Decapitation, mutilation, a note left at the crime scene.

Decapitation, mutilation, a note left at the crime scene.

Additionally, Chrollo describes Sarasa’s murder as a “show” put on by the perpetrators.

When you think about it, this is very similar to how the Kurta massacre is described, not to mention Pairo’s beheading paralleling Sarasa’s.

Was the Kurta massacre a “show” as well? It’s possible the mafia’s intention was to frame the Troupe, but the message may also have been left behind as a statement. It’s not out of character for the mafia to respond to transgressions in this way. 

The Troupe can “take away” Meteor City as a source for trafficking, but Sarasa’s killers can simply take their dealings elsewhere. It’s a twisted interpretation of the Law of Retribution—taking it and spitting it back at the Troupe.

A Synthesis of the Arts

Whoever orchestrated the Kurta massacre wanted the Scarlet Eyes and decided to behead the villagers. While the Scarlet Eyes would be valuable to anyone involved in the Black Market, the showmanship of the massacre and the use of decapitation fits more closely with a certain Kakin prince.

The theory that Tserriednich has Pairo’s head begins to make a lot of sense. He didn’t buy it on the black market... he’s the original owner! It also explains why he has the Scarlet Eyes. He owns quite a few of them but may have sold the others.

I believe the mafia group responsible for Sarasa’s death and the murder of the Kurta, in this case, is the Hei-Ly. Not Morena’s Hei-Ly, but the Hei-Ly she overthrew prior to boarding the Black Whale. Everything surrounding Sarasa’s murder and the Kurta massacre fits Tserriednich’s profile. 

In Chapter 397, Chrollo concludes that Sarasa’s killers recorded her death and will disperse them on the newly developing dark web.

In Chapter 343, we learn that Tserriednich was identified as the eyes’ owner because he posted a video of them on the dark web.

It especially makes sense that Tserriednich would be interested in putting the disembodied Kurta on display, given his nature.

Finally, Tserriednich’s tattoo artist, a former Hei-Ly member, is complicit in Tserriednich’s hobby.

If the pre-coup Hei-Ly was responsible for both incidents, it adds an interesting layer to the conflict on the lower decks of the Black Whale and the conflict between Kurapika and Chrollo.

Note: In Yorknew, Feitan and Paku are very vague about it, but at least seem aware the massacre occured. Chrollo reasons Kurapika has come for the eyes and revenge, presumably against the Troupe. Chrollo's reasoning definitely makes it seem like they are at least aware they could be perceived as responsible.

<source>

<reddit discussion>

[nesiacha]

Bonaparte did much more than that in the list of grievances. Firstly, it wasn't him who saved the country. No one person saves a country alone. It's the entire people who do it, those who fight, those who bear the taxes, those who participated in the Bastille, on August 10th, who voted, those who ensured that the government remains effective, like the sans-culottes, those who fought in Year III against Boissy d'Anglas and company, etc. People who didn't participate in the government have just as much influence on history by exerting themselves tirelessly, and if you want names, here they are: Momoro, Simone Evrard, Louise Reine Audu, etc. Those who seek to profit from it must be fought against, or else they are impostors and fighters of the 25th hour in general (as happened during the Algerian revolution). In short, one must always remember the phrase: "There is only one hero: the people."

Secondly, if we really seek a government, in my eyes, it is the Montagnards like Billaud Varenne, Robespierre, Saint Just, Couthon, Le Bas, Charles Gilbert Romme, Ronsin (I talked about them in one of my posts during the excellent question asked by pleasecallmealsip https://www.tumblr.com/nesiacha/745212185045811200/in-your-opinion-what-was-the-most-significant?source=share). Here is their nuanced opinion, but they inherited a far more catastrophic situation than Napoleon and managed to save it independently, despite unforgivable excesses, but they did it, with a completely divided executive power and under universal suffrage. Of course, there were scoundrels who wanted to line their pockets (Tallien, Fouché, etc.), but let's not forget that the revolutionaries I mentioned wanted to punish them for their atrocities.

What did Bonaparte do? He did everything he shouldn't have done. Venturing beyond the borders and imposing wars of conquest. He said it was the monarchists who wanted war, but in that case, he should stick to natural borders and stay there. What he did was an invitation for France to be even more vulnerable. Moreover, if he resisted so well, one of the reason is that he inherited a better situation due to the work of his predecessors. I don't need to mention what he did in Jaffa. If I criticized revolutionaries committing atrocities, I don't see why I would spare him (even though honestly he's not a bloodthirsty being unlike the black legend). The guy does a coup and becomes a military dictator with a very rigged plebiscite. Compare him to Robespierre, Saint Just, Le Bas, and Couthon when they were outlawed, hesitating while they were in mortal danger and didn't seek as much trouble as Bonaparte, while 17 out of 49 sections spontaneously came to their aid, they wanted to stay within the law, hesitated, and had more scruples than him. Bonaparte did a coup for his glory and power ( with Sieyes) but fled for his life when he was justifiably outlawed thanks to the devoted army of others (this is my subjective judgment and Bonaparte has many flaws but is not a coward). Bonaparte never knew how to inspire true loyalty that cannot be bought with money but by merit (like Robespierre, Marat, Couthon, Romme, Prieur de la Marne). As a result, when he was in trouble, there was not a lot left. When Marat was accused, all of Paris rushed to him even though he didn't have a penny in his pocket.

Finally, the shameful reinstatement of slavery (many former slaves executed, hanged, pursued by dogs), the fact that he put women in worse conditions than other women in Europe, the civil code wasn't his idea fundamentally, he just took the idea and constantly regressed like in the worker's booklet, his hypocritical puritan laws, one law for him and his family and another for others. The executive power was too strong (it still is today). Moreover, the reinstatement of slavery was a grave mistake because unlike the other deputies of the Convention of 1792 (at least most of them), they were both moral and pragmatic. They knew that these former slaves would prefer to fight to the end and die, so they preferred to abolish slavery (Marat sang their praises and rightly predicted that Saint Domingue would become independent). Bonaparte, to solve one problem, created a bigger one. The same thing when he stupidly believed he could exploit countries without it backfiring on him. He blames everyone when there was the blunder of the Malet conspiracy when this conspiracy could never have happened under the Convention of 1792. And the worst thing is that since he has the strongest power, there are no collective faults like in the case of the Convention of 1792. He alone is the main culprit. The restoration of the monarchy was done under Napoleon in my opinion, not under Louis XVIII. What a betrayal. Louis XVI betrayed his country but never spent as much; he was furious about the Court's expenses and, at least, never betrayed his ideals. Napoleon did. His shameful expenses for himself and his family, the fact that he left France in a worse state than he found it, that he believed he could found a dynasty when it was obvious he couldn't, his shameful betrayal towards the Jacobins, the execution of the Duke of Enghien (what do I say, his assassination) just to consolidate his power, the scandal of the creation of the Bank of France, the fact that he married a Habsburg and that because of that, Francis, Emperor of Austria, tried at the fall of Napoleon to proclaim himself regent (he who wanted to destroy France because of the French Revolution) and thus almost got the keys to the country thanks to Bonaparte and his lack of foresight in this case.... Yes, in these cases, Bonaparte doesn't inspire sympathy from me. But he is adored due to propaganda that hides his thirst for power, the fact that the right needs him to justify that the executive is stronger than the legislative in my opinion, while Marat, Robespierre, Couthon, Romme, Babeuf, Momoro are either forgotten or demonized. Sorry if the answer was a bit harsh, it wasn't intended, and if you want to add because I'm not infallible. This is just my opinion.

as a frenchman i was confused and surprised at how much you guys as a whole dislike napoleon? he gets a lot of deserved rep for saving the country imo

bro he led 400,000+ French people to their deaths

meanwhile people act like the ~35k killed by the Reign of Terror was the worst humanitarian catastrophe in the history of humanity. it's just the double standard that pisses me off.

[spockandawe]

Hmm. What if. An mdzs au (definitely the book, not the show) where timelines diverge when a small, angry street kid with a missing finger and a desire to watch the world burn makes his way over to the burial mounds, because fuck it, he’s going to learn from the yiling laozu or die trying.

I have put no consideration into this whatsoever, and I know coherent timelines are the hardest part of involving Xue Yang in anything, but I think that if Xue Yang is like, a preteen, the other parts of the timeline may still fit into place? Honestly, I don’t really care if they don’t, I’m just also too lazy to check this very long book for the specific empathy flashback with the details of Xue Yang’s jinlintai cameo. If he has to be a few years younger than canon allows, it’s all good, baybee, cql fucked the timeline so I wouldn’t have to!

But anyways, consider a young Xue Yang, who’s not really old enough to be making his way in the world as a rogue pseudo-semi-cultivator, but is old enough to survive the attempt and learn more cultivation as he goes. And he doesn’t have family or money to back him up (not that those would have made an impact on Wei Wuxian), but I think he’s aware that he has extremely grand ambitions for someone in his position, and is very cheerfully willing to take risks to achieve them, even knowing that his odds of success are low and his odds of dying are high.

I’m thinking that he reaches Yiling, however he gets there. He sees the knockoff Yiling Laozu apprentices (and is Full of scorn), he sees the wards Wei Wuxian has raised around the Burial Mounds, and he’s not all that trained and is mostly self-taught, but has just enough raw talent that he manages to bust in through the wards himself.

I don’t want to try sorting out the exact details of how he convinces Wei Wuxian to let him stay, because this idea popped into my head like, legitimately thirty seconds before I started writing the post. But I don’t think it would hurt the Wens to have another pair of helping hands, I think Wei Wuxian is weak against children in general (especially children who are trying to learn a thing), and I think he’s also weak against a street kid struggling on his own in the world (and Xue Yang is smart enough to lean into the look-pitiful-to-gain-sympathy-points angle)

Additional point one: Wen Qing can look at his hand and his health in general, and I think Xue Yang could benefit a LOT from having a big sister in his life

Additional point two: Xue Yang would think that Wen Ning is the coolest thing, and it would benefit me emotionally if he sees Wen Ning as his super cool older brother and not as a fascinating science project he wants to copy on Song Lan later ;u;

Exact events would vary based on when Xue Yang made his arrival (before or after Wen Ning wakes up? before or after Lan Wangji visits Yiling? etc), and I would have to consider that carefully because I do want canon to diverge, and Xue Yang dying with the Wens would be so fucking tragic (kind of in a fascinating way? we the readers know that it prevents future atrocities, but here, he’s a different person than the one who committed those atrocities, and it’s like giving him a family only to have it yanked away (so, canon), but this is a tangent because I have to emphasize I have not plotted out anything)

I don’t know how I would want canon to diverge is part of the trouble. But like... one of my first details on the book that really, really got me good is the way that Wei Wuxian is superficially cheerful but is also poised on the edge of having a really rough time early in the book. After he casually tells Jin Ling ‘lmao, what, you didn’t have parents to teach you manners?’ he goes off on his own to have Regrets. What really starts pulling him out of his funk is when the kids need protection and education. And he thrives! Even when he’s roleplaying Mo Xuanyu, he’s in his element as an experienced cultivator helping guide the juniors to a solution so that they learn for themselves, but also ready to be a safety net so they don’t die in the process!

A-Yuan plays a little bit of this role for him in the Burial Mounds, but like... he’s a toddler, and is both too young to be taught at the level and depth that Wei Wuxian adores, and is yes an adorable sweet kid, but also exhausting and demanding in the way that all small children are. You can’t just put away a toddler and lay face-down on the floor for a week, even if you want to. Yes there are other people around to help, but everyone is working really, really hard just to survive in the Burial Mounds.

So. Give Wei Wuxian a preteen! Give him a kid who is saying ‘take me as your apprentice, gege, i’m gonna keep studying demonic cultivation whether you help me or not uwu’ and let Wei Wuxian convince himself that okay, stupid adults are free to do stupid shit and he isn’t responsible for them, but maybe he ought to keep an eye on this kid to make sure he doesn’t accidentally die trying to learn Wei Wuxian’s methods. Xue Yang is smart, quick, and demanding, but also capable of independence. It’s ideal. Give Wei Wuxian a kid to teach, give me them passionately arguing about theory, give me Xue Yang reading all of Wei Wuxian’s manuscripts, and forcing Wei Wuxian to engage a little more with the world around him instead of sinking down into himself. Give me Xue Yang still young enough that he can be convinced to trust the idea of a family. Give me Lan Wangji accompanying Wei Wuxian back to the burial mounds and Xue Yang trying to be all ‘hey, you’d better step off if you know what’s good for you’ and being ‘!!! >:O’ when he finds out Wei Wuxian let this stranger hold A-Yuan and it being the cutest thing ever. It would be so good for my heart, but my god, am i unequipped to write it.

[jamlavender]

Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss: Mrs Coulter, misogyny and the His Dark Materials TV show

The show went hard on misogyny as a vital part of Mrs Coulter’s backstory, and I want to talk about how they did it, and why, and how it might have been done better. This is quite long (when is anything I write not, let’s be real) so it’s under the cut. Read on for thoughts on women, power and fictional villainy.

As a quick disclaimer, though: I’ve enjoyed the show a lot! I’m so glad they made it! Ruth Wilson is mesmerising as Mrs Coulter! There’s so much to appreciate about the show overall, including many aspects of Mrs Coulter’s portrayal. But the HDM team have also made gender politics and misogyny very explicit themes of the show – particularly season two, particularly season two, episode five – and I think it’s fair to critique that.

Let’s be clear: Mrs Coulter is a villain. She murders kids by tearing out their souls. She kills and tortures friends and foes alike without a second thought. She abuses her daughter. She upholds and advances a totalitarian regime. She’s a Bad Person, as confirmed by God himself with the unforgettable line: “You are a cesspit of moral filth.” She’s fucking terrible, but, in life as in art, many of us are fascinated by how such awful people are made. What drives someone to commit atrocities? I am keen to see such questions examined in fiction, because I don’t think exploring a character necessarily means excusing their actions, and because it’s interesting (I mean, of course I find her fascinating, I’ve written a novel’s worth of fic about her). However, after a few snarky comments (“What sort of woman raised Father Graves, do you think?”) and some subtler commentary on sexuality, gender and power (her unsettling MacPhail with the key in the bra in S1E2), S2E5 drew a weird line between sexism in Mrs Coulter’s professional and academic life and her vast and senseless institutionalised child murder, and the longer I’ve sat with that the more I’m like: what the fuck?

Look, Mrs Coulter doesn’t tear apart children to search for sin inside them and poison Boreal and break a witch’s fingers because she’s experienced sexism in the workplace and in her education. That’s… a very odd thing to imply. We have to remember that there are lots of women in Lyra’s world, all of whom will also have experienced sexism, misogyny and other forms of marginalisation (many in more expansive and pernicious ways than Mrs Coulter, who’s a woman, yes, but also white, wealthy, highly educated and very thin and beautiful), and none of them are running arctic torture stations. She will have experienced misogyny, absolutely, and that will have affected her in various ways that inform how she approaches her work, but to imply that being denied a doctorate is the reason she became a sadistic killer is frankly bizarre. Here are a few of the lines from that episode with my commentary:

“Do you know who I could have been in this world?” What does this mean? If she’d been roughly the same person in our world, the answer is: Margaret Thatcher, which is probably a step down for Marisa, all things considered, because the Magisterium is far more autocratic than any recent Tory government and would be a much easier institutional environment in which to enact her cruelty. What we’re supposed to think, clearly, is that she’d have been a different person: a scientist and a mother, and she’s had this realisation because she saw a woman with a baby and a laptop and had a three-minute conversation with Mary. This doesn’t make sense. We live in our world! It’s less repressive than Lyra’s world but it’s hardly a gender utopia. If Mrs Coulter had chosen the scientist-and-mother life (which, as I’ll revisit later, she could have done in her world but chose not to because of her megalomaniac tendencies), she’d still have been affected by misogyny here too. Our world is not kind to young mothers, nor young women embroiled in scandals, nor is the world teeming with female physicists. It might be a little better, sure, but it’s hardly as if those gendered challenges would have been solved.  

“What do you mean she runs a department?” This is just the show forgetting its own canon. Marisa, you ran a massive government organisation (the GOB), including a huge murder science research initiative in the Arctic. That’s a much bigger undertaking and much more impressive than running a university department in our world. Pull yourself together.

“But because I was a woman, I was denied a doctorate by the Magisterium.” This is the show flagrantly ignoring the source material to make a clumsy political point. In the books, there are women with doctorates (notably Hannah Relf, also a major player in the new Book of Dust trilogy) and at least one women’s college full of female scholars. Now, would that women’s college likely be underfunded and disrespected compared to the men’s colleges? Almost certainly. But saying that is different than saying “I couldn’t get my doctorate!” when women in Lyra’s world can. The show knew what point they wanted to make, and were willing to ignore canon to do so, which is frustrating. Also, given that there are female academics and scientists in Lyra’s world, and that Mrs Coulter is a member of St Sophia’s college, it’s clear that she could have lived that life if she so desired. But she didn’t want that, because being a scientist and academic at St Sophia’s imbues her with no real power, and that’s what she craves.

I’m not opposed, in theory, to exploring Mrs Coulter and misogyny in more depth, but I think doing so through an examination of the sexual politics of her life would have made a lot more narrative sense and been much more powerful. It’s better evidenced in the text – her using her sexuality to manipulate people and taking lovers for political sway is entirely canon, as is her backstory where genuine love and lust blew up her life – and it links much more closely with the most shocking of her villainy, which involves cutting out children’s dæmons to stop them developing “troublesome thoughts and feelings,” referencing sexual and romantic desire (and what Lyra and Will do to save Dust is clearly a big ‘fuck you’ to those aims). She even says this to MacPhail in TAS, “If you thought for one moment that I would release my daughter into the care - the care! - of a body of men with a feverish obsession with sexuality, men with dirty fingernails, reeking of ancient sweat, men whose furtive imaginations would crawl over her body like cockroaches - if you thought I would expose my child to that, my Lord President, you are more stupid than you take me for.” Don’t get me wrong, she’d have been a villain regardless, but I do believe that there’s a much stronger link between her sexual and romantic experiences and her murder work than between professional and academic stifling and child murder. It would have been a lot more interesting and a lot less tenuous.

However, the show is trying to be family-friendly, and digging into why this terrible, cruel woman might want to cut the ability for desire and love (and other non-sexual adult feelings, I’m sure) out of people could get dark. We know that the show doesn’t want to go there, because they’ve actively toned down her weaponising her sexuality: in the books, she has an established sexual relationship with Boreal, whereas the show made it seem like she’s been stringing him along all this time, and made it about potentially ‘sharing a life’ together rather than fucking, which was clearly the arrangement in the books. Also, I think Ruth Wilson said she and Ariyon Bakare filmed a “steamy scene” together, and given that only a single chaste kiss between them aired it must have been cut. I think they deliberately minimised the sexual elements of the text, particularly regarding Mrs Coulter (the mountain scene with Asriel, which I did still love, was also a lot less horny than in the book) and replaced that with another gender issue, that of professional sexism, as if the two are interchangeable, which they are not. This is a shame, both for Mrs Coulter’s character and also for the story as a whole, because the characters’ relationships with sex and desire are an important part of the books! (If this minimised sexuality approach means that they don’t use the TAS scene where Asriel threatens to gag her and she tries to goad him into doing it, I’ll scream). Overall, I think they missed the mark here, which is a shame because I also think it could have been done well, if they’d been bolder and darker and more thoughtful.

Why might this happen? Why might the show take this approach? Why might it be latched onto by viewers? Personally, I think the conversations we have about women and power are very simplistic, which leaves us in a tight spot when we see women seizing power for themselves (even in fiction) and weaponising that against others, not just other women but people of all genders, because we struggle to move past ‘women have overall been denied power, so them taking it ‘back’ is good,’ even if that immediately becomes a hot mess of white, corporate feminism and results in the ongoing oppression of many people. I think we are so hungry for representations of powerful women that we – producers and viewers alike – struggle to see them as bad, because it’s uncomfortable to be so intoxicated by Mrs Coulter effortlessly dominating the men around her, subverting systems designed to marginalise her for her own benefit, and generally being aggressive and intelligent and ruthless, and then realise that you are entranced by someone who is, objectively, a terrible, terrible person. It can be hard to realise that if you channelled the energy of someone who mesmerises you, you’d be the villain. So instead of sitting with that (more on this below), a lot of legwork goes into reworking her villainy into, somehow, a just act, a result of oppression, as her taking back power that has been denied to her, rather than grappling with the fact that for anyone to desire power in such a merciless way, even if they have to overcome marginalisation to get it, is really, really dangerous.

The joy, of course, is that Mrs Coulter is not real! She’s not real! Adoring fictional characters does not mean condoning their (imaginary) decisions, nor do stories exist for each person in them to fit neatly into a good or bad box so you know who you’re allowed to love. Furthermore, fiction can be a fabulous tool for exploring and interrogating the parts of yourself that, if left to bloom unexamined, might perpetuate beliefs or behaviour that cause harm to others. Mrs Coulter doesn’t need to be a feminist or taking down the patriarchy or a righteous powerful woman to illuminate things about gender, power and feminism for those reading and watching. In fact, it’s important that we explore what happens when women (most commonly white, wealthy women, as she is) continue to perpetuate brutal systems under the guise of sticking it to ‘men,’ because it happens all the time in the real world, and it’s a serious issue. Finding characters like Mrs Coulter so cool and compelling doesn’t make you a bad person, but it might tell you something about yourself – not that you want to be a villain or kill kids or whatever, but something about how you relate to your gender or women or men or power – and that knowledge can be useful! We all have better and worse impulses, and finding art that helps us make sense of ourselves, both the good and bad parts, is a gift that we should relish.

Anyway, tl;dr, Mrs Coulter doesn’t need to be sympathetic or understandable or redeemable to be brilliant – but you wouldn’t know that from how she’s been portrayed in the new adaptation.

[haleigh-sloth]

I have a question but why do you think so many people are against Dabi/Touya getting a redemption arc or getting saved? Like some are against him being saved but are all down for Shiggy and Toga to be saved? I usually see the same argument and it’s frustrating! Like before I explain myself just want to say I’m not hating on Shiggy or do I feel like he’s any less worth saving but I see these arguments that leave me baffled. So the arguments I have seen before is some people don’t think Dabi/Touya can be redeemed or saved because he has murdered 30+ people, but like Shiggy has probably killed the same amount of not more people so that logic doesn’t really cut it. So why does it make a difference? Like why are people so against Dabi/Touya being saved or redeemed?

Well, I'll start this by saying that Shigaraki has ABSOLUTELY KILLED MORE PEOPLE HOLY SHIT DUDE. It's not even up for debate 😂 that boy flattened two cities with the touch of a hand. Shiggy is my favorite hands down and I'll defend the boy til I die but he has done so much more damage. That's kind of the point to his arc--actually. But anyways~

Content Warning of abuse below the cut a bit further down--

So with that--I've wondered the same thing you're asking. Why is Touya getting so much hate? Why not redeem him? Well, there's a few reasons that I have seen:

Endeavor- This is the first and foremost reason I can see for Touya having so many antis. This is something I can't grasp or fathom--Why do so many people like Endeavor? Or more like--why do so many people want to see an abuser thrive and his victim be put down? I can understand wanting to see an abuser better himself AND wanting to see the victim thrive, and I can see people wanting the abuser to be put down and the victim to thrive. But to just want the abuser to come out on top? No. Fuck you. (not you anon). So for whatever reason that I cannot fathom, people can't stand the idea of Touya surviving, being saved and redeemed, because it means that Enji has failed (which he already has but--again I really don't understand that side of the fandom and quite frankly I don't want to). So yeah, Endeavor has a lot of ridiculous fans. Hawks- I've already talked about how ridiculous some of the Hawks-stans are. I'm sorry but---they're fucking ridiculous. Some of them need to step away from their computer, go outside, breath some outside air, and shut the fuck up. And let me tell you---we sometimes joke about how the hero-stan side of the fandom lacks critical thinking skills and can't read past the surface--but I want to disagree with to an extent. I can tell you right now, Hawks's stans saw THIS:

And they knew. Seeing Hawks remain in the dark while Dabi walked toward the light. They knew what this was foretelling. And they didn't like it. And then this happened:

And they DEFINITELY did not like that. And then Dabi went and made fried chicken out of him and they found more reason to hate him with all their being. Hawks was kind of set up to die heroically--and even though his arc is pretty bad right now, I still think that at this point that’s the best ending for him. For me, he’s gone too long without even remotely thinking of changing his ideologies, and has been backing Endeavor unquestionably for a bit too long now. It’s just not looking good for him survival-wise. And his stans either SEE this very clearly and are in denial and need something to hate in order to deal with it, OR they really just aren’t looking as deep into the story as they need to. Those panels I used above though honestly tell it all. That being said he very well may survive and not have any consequences from his low point at all--but then he gets thrown in the “BNHA’s shittiest written arcs” pile. But whatever. 

Also--shoutout to the blogs I follow and people I talk to who genuinely LOVE Hawks’s character but like--aren’t ridiculous about it and don’t harass people in their inboxes about it. Who also try to understand his character and not just make him out to be a uwu baby that never did anything wrong. TRUE Hawks-stans if I ever saw em.

Shouto--This is FAR less common than the other two reasons, but I have seen a few people who think this. They love Shouto (understandably--he’s a fluffy boy who needs a hug from his big brother Touya), but they think that Touya is going to be Shouto’s “final boss”, or his mortal enemy or something. Which--idk if they just refuse to read into Shouto’s awesome character on purpose or not, but he is not about to go out there and try to kill his big brother, who he never got to know, who he KNOWS suffered because of their father, and who is very very clearly in physical, mental, and emotional pain. Again--Shouto-stans are a  far less part of the problem. But I’ve seen this misunderstanding of Shouto’s character go around a few times. 

This next one is also big, and kind of falls into the same category with Endeavor up top--but it’s such a huge issue that I’m seeing that it needs its own paragraph: People don’t understand children’s behaviors, abuse, abusive family dynamics, and just child psychology in general. Child psychology is hard to understand--but also very simple. It’s hard as an adult to think back to how black and white the world was when you were a kid. Your parents were your safe place--they were your guardians. Or rather--they were supposed to be. This isn’t always the case though. And the Todoroki family exhibits a lot of realistic aspects of abuse. Even though the Todoroki backstory was very messily written--one thing is absolute: Endeavor emotionally abused his child. The issue is that Shouto’s and Rei’s physical abuse was shown FIRST in the story--and THEN we were shown what really happened with Touya wasn’t so easily identified as abuse (I mean it is--to me, but not to everybody). And people got stuck on comparing Touya’s and Shouto’s childhood instead of viewing them as two completely separate crimes Endeavor committed against his family. And they misunderstand Touya’s behaviors. Peep back at when I said that your parents are supposed to be your safe place--well, for Touya, Enji WAS his safe place, his guardian, his world. And then suddenly all of that disappeared without reason (good reason I mean). And that takes a serious toll on a child. I could honestly go on and on and on about this topic in particular but it’s not necessary for this ask. The point is---people don’t think Touya was actually abused or that he suffered as a child. They seriously lack an understanding when it comes to stuff like that. And they aren’t shy about showing it to the rest of the internet. 

The last reason which I think kind of encompasses all of these reasons: People don’t understand redemption arcs--because they’re not your run of the mill Heroes vs. Villains story. It makes it to where it’s not clearly obvious whose side you should take. I guess people don’t like that---but I love it. Why not take BOTH sides?

You get to have more fun this way imo. You get to watch and see how the two sides come together--rather than just stick to one ideology til the end. I think it’s because people don’t like having their ideals, beliefs, and values challenged. It may be personal for some people--but forgiveness is a touchy subject as well.  And I also think a lot of people very much think that the rules of our reality should exist within fiction. People forget that fiction exists for us to escape reality--I don’t know why this is so easily forgotten. But what’s cool about fictional stories is that everybody can have a happy ending--no matter how many atrocities they committed, people they hurt/killed, because guess what? NOBODY ACTUALLY GOT HURT! 

But anyway---these are the conclusions I’ve come to regarding why Touya has so many haters. Some are legitimate reasons (the last two I listed) and some are just outright ridiculous (the first three I listed). 

I’m not bothered though. I would LIKE to say that when these villain-saving chapters come out I’ll laugh hysterically at all the villain-haters’ reactions---BUT I already blocked almost all of them. 😂

[kaizokuou-ni-naru]

The Voyage So Far: Paramount War (Part One)

east blue (1 | 2) || alabasta (1 | 2) || skypiea || water 7 || enies lobby || thriller bark || paramount war (1 | 2) || fishman island || punk hazard || dressrosa (1 | 2) || whole cake island || wano (1 | 2)

the introduction of the celestial dragons really is just so brutally effective. this is the first time we see them, and before they even show up on page they immediately establish themselves as both absolutely powerful and absolutely despicable. everyone is watching them commit atrocities in broad daylight, and nobody dares say a word. 

i mentioned it back in the enies lobby post, i think, with spandam, but oda is very, very good at creating villains who it just feels so good and so deeply satisfying to see them get annihilated, and the celestial dragons are maybe the crowning example of it. 

i really like how none of the strawhats are really intimidated or impressed at all by the celestial dragons, in sharp contrast to how everyone else responds to them. some of that is ignorance, but you can’t tell me zoro would have acted any differently in this scene had he known charloss was a member of the world’s ruling class. all the power the celestial dragons have comes from fear; of course their greatest weakness is someone who just doesn’t care. 

obviously this moment is just excellent, no qualifiers needed, but one thing i really love about it is how all the bad shit that results from this does not detract from the sheer satisfaction of what happens at the auction house at all. like, even though this leads directly to the strawhats getting crushed by the pacifista and kizaru and scattered by kuma, i’ve never once caught myself thinking luffy shouldn’t have done this. 

i’m a huge fan of how rayleigh introduces himself. he knocks out the whole action house with conqueror’s haki, but luffy is completely unaffected, and the two of them just watch each other down the aisle for a moment as everyone else collapses around them. 

i don’t know that i’ll ever get over the fact that oda created and designed the supernovas as he was writing sabaody. they’re all such distinct and memorable characters, and almost all of them have fit neatly into the post-timeskip story one way or another. they really feel like a part of the world that was always meant to be there. 

i think the way roger as a character is handled is very, very cool, because we don’t really meet him as a person- when we first learn of him, on the very first page, he’s a myth, a story, a framing device. which is fitting, because that’s all the characters know him as. the rest of the world doesn’t know what roger was like as a person or why he did what he did, and so neither do our main characters and neither do we. 

and then we learn, slowly, by following in roger’s steps and meeting the characters who did know him, like rayleigh and whitebeard and garp. and through their testimony and memories, over the course of the story, roger goes from being a faceless myth to being a proper character.

i think this panel, where luffy says he just wants to be the freest person on the seas, might be my favorite luffy panel. if nothing else, it’s definitely one of the ones i think about the most in terms of his characterization. luffy’s been defining himself by his dream since the very start of the story- he’s the man who’s going to be king of the pirates! but it’s only here that we learn what that goal actually means to him, and what he actually really wants. he just wants to be free. 

the tone shift of sabaody really is impeccable. because up until a certain point, everything seems pretty par for the course. the strawhats make some new friends, get into trouble for their sakes, get into a hard fight where they all have to work together but eventually scrape out a win. 

but then kizaru shows up, and another pacifista, and kuma himself, and for the first time in the story luffy says this is a fight they can’t win- 

and then zoro disappears, and all of the audience’s expectations for how this is going to play out get thrown completely out the window. 

it’s not that we haven’t seen luffy upset before this- his fight with usopp in water 7 and merry’s funeral are the two obvious examples that come to mind- but we’ve never, to this point, seen him as crushed as he is at the end of sabaody. it really drives the abrupt tone shift of sabaody home, because we’re used to seeing luffy be generally cheerful, and if not that, at stubbornly determined to power through. but here, he’s just wrecked- and the paramount war saga is just getting started. 

every time i see hancock i’m reminded what a lesbian i am.

i’m talking a lot about character introductions this post, but a lot of really good characters get introduced in the first half of this saga, from the supernovas to rayleigh to jinbe. on that note, i really like hancock’s introduction, for reasons similar to what i said about roger earlier. she’s introduced as a cartoonishly evil one-dimensional bitch, and she leans hard into that characterization for the first half or so of amazon lily.

and then luffy narrowly keeps her and her sisters’ worst fear from being realized, and her facade starts to slip, and we get to know her as- still kind of a bitch, but also a deeply traumatized person who has very valid reasons for being the way she is, and someone who is overall a lot more complicated than she appears at first glance. 

one of my favorite things about luffy is his ability to always, always defy expectations. hancock is dead certain he’ll take her offer of a ship and abandon marguerite and the others, but he doesn’t even hesitate before doing the exact opposite. luffy is always turning people’s worlds upside down.

i have a friend who coined the term “conflict of interest arc” to refer to the arcs where a crewmate is forced to choose between the crew and some obligation or baggage from their past- arlong park for nami, whole cake island for sanji, etc. 

marineford is luffy’s conflict of interest arc- he has to make the choice, here, to prioritize saving ace over reuniting with his crew. where it differs from all other such arcs, then, is that nobody else can come to back him up. he’s well and truly on his own. 

i love how thoroughly expectations get turned on their head with jinbe. for the longest time, all we know about him is that he’s a shichibukai and arlong’s former captain, so given what arlong was like and what the shichibukai encountered thus far have been like, it’s a fair guess to assume he’s pretty awful.

and then we meet him, and he’s ace’s friend, sitting bloody and beaten in the deepest dungeons of impel down for refusing to fight in an unjust war.

bon-chan is really one of the greatest examples of one piece’s stubborn refusal to treat any character as disposable, and oda’s endless ability to find new and interesting ways to fit them into the story. in pretty much any other manga, it would be all but guaranteed that we wouldn’t see a character like bon-chan again after the conclusion of the alabasta saga. here, luffy straight up would not have made it to marineford without him. this is true for mr. 3 too- who would’ve thought his ability to duplicate keys out of wax, established and promptly forgotten some three hundred chapters ago, would be the thing that let luffy free ace on the scaffold?

magellan is a good antagonist. i’m not saying i like him- i don’t particularly- but he’s a great antagonist for a couple reasons, and one of them is that his powers are terrifying. magellan is essentially what might be called in video game terminology an advancing wall of doom- the only viable strategy for dealing with him is to run.

i had more i wanted to say here but it literally kept turning into a rant about one piece’s take on morality no matter how many times i tried to keep it short, so i’ll settle for just saying that magellan is an antagonist but not a villain and i think that’s interesting. 

the absolutely ridiculous, eclectic mix of people that luffy winds up gathering to escape impel down is possibly my favorite part of the whole arc. i just think it’s so fun and so characteristic of him that even when separated from his crew, he winds up attracting the weirdest, most powerful bunch of people around to break out of prison with. 

the relationship between luffy and blackbeard is a really interesting one. it’s been plenty clear for some time that blackbeard is almost certainly going to be luffy’s final opponent to become pirate king, and yet they’ve been mostly running on parallel paths through the world, only occasionally coinciding (such as here and in jaya) and generally seeming pretty unconcerned with each other. it’s a really cool way to handle the built to an eventual showdown, and i really like it. 

this is one of my favorite spreads just for sheer smile factor. i love it so much. i think we should get to see jinbe’s whale shark buddies more often, it’s a crime we haven’t seen them since this. 

[krizaland]

zim x irken!reader based on the trial? the reader being a higher up that wants to save him (the tallest liking them would be an extra point)

Yes!!! I love this!

This came out waaay more angsty than I intended.

Be warned: There’s self sacrifice and attempted execution ahead!

Here’s the song I used btw

You felt your squeedilyspooch churn as you landed on Judgementia.

You didn’t know why you were so surprised.

It was only a matter of time before  Zim would have an Existence Evaluation.

As much as you hated to admit it, Zim was responsible for some of the worst tragedies on Irk.

From causing a massive blackout on planet, Devestus, to nearly annihilating their entire civilization during Operation Impending Doom 1; You should’ve expected this to happen a long long time ago.

Nevertheless, the mere thought of Zim having an Existence Evaluation made you burst into tears.

In spite of his numerous sins, you knew Zim never meant to cause so much trouble.

All Zim ever wanted to do was prove he was worthy of respect.

The life of a short Irken was filed with ridicule and discrimination.  You could never even imagine what it felt like to be as short as Zim.

He was even shorter than Skoodge!

It was a miracle he didn’t end up a Table-headed Service drone nor The Tallest’s personal foot stool.

You thanked your lucky stars you had the privilege to train with him.

Despite all the hateful words flung his way, you quickly learned that all of them were untrue.

From the moment you met Zim, you knew he was someone extraordinary.

He had more passion, determination, perseverance, and loyalty than anyone else.

Zim fought tooth and claw every day just to prove that he was just as worthy as anyone else.

And you deeply admired him for that.

No matter what anyone else said, you always stood by Zim’s side.

You cheered him on during training, you patched up his wounds, you even listened to him vent about his day.

Whenever Zim said he’d be a Tallest someday, you genuinely believed him.

He may have been short, but by god did he have the spirit of a leader.

Over time, you and Zim begun to fall in love.

Unfortunately, due to the drastic height difference, you and Zim had to keep the relationship a secret.

As time went on, you became the highest ranking general the Irken Army had to offer and Zim became an Invader.

You couldn’t have been more proud of him! You always knew he was destined for greatness!

Even after the catastrophe that was Operation Impending Doom 1, you still never gave up on Zim.

Unfortunately, the rest of the Empire didn’t feel the same.

Not one little bit

You thought that once Zim had been banished to the far reaches of the Galaxy he would be safe!

However, Red and Purple had been planning Zim’s Existence Evaluation for quite some time now.

You tried to talk them out if it. After all, Red and Purple adored you. You were so sure they’d listen.

Oh how wrong you were.

Red and Purple simply laughed in your face and thought you were joking.

As much as you wanted to fight for Zim, you didn’t want to upset Red and Purple.

Despite their trashy behavior, Red and Purple were still The Tallest and you had to respect them whether you liked it or not.

And you really really didn’t like it.

Neither Red nor Purple had any business being in a leadership position.

Both of them were arrogant, selfish, and childish.

They didn’t give a sandworm’s last whisker about Irk! All they cared about was snacks and which poor Navigator to yell at.

You always hated being invited to ‘oversee’ their ‘projects’.

You knew damn well that was just code for asking you on a date.

You could usually get away with declining but not today.

Every Irken was required to be present for an Existence Evaluation.

And you were given a front row seat.

You dragged your feet as you slunk inside the judgement hall.

“Hey Y/N! Over here!”

The sound of Purple’s excited voice woke you from your thoughts.

You jumped a bit before scurrying over to his side.

“Ah! Y/N! Glad you could make it. This Existence Evaluation wouldn’t nearly be as enjoyable without you.” Red purred as he floated over to you.

“But it would still be pretty enjoyable. After all, Zim’s totally going to be deleted!” Purple chuckled.

“Yeah! We’ll finally be rid of him!”

Red and Purple burst into a loud fit of laughter while you fought back the urge to cry.

Had they really no shame? Not even the tiniest inkling of remorse?

You held your tongue as you turned your attention to the center of the hall.

The Control Brains loomed ominously over The Spike of Judgement as they waited fir Zim’s arrival.

You always hated those dumb Brains.

Their rules were always so ridiculous! 

In fact it was their very rules that stood in the way between you and Zim!

You tried not to scowl as you took in a deep breath.

FWUMP!

Zim was tossed into the center of the Spike of Judgment.

He looked a bit bruised and confused but other than that Zim seemed fine.

“ZIM, YOUR TIME HAS COME. PREPARE FOR ALL YOU DESERVE,” The first Control Brain bellowed.

Zim jumped a bit as he felt a shudder run down his spine.

“Eh?! Oh! A surprise party?! That’s what this was all about?! I was wondering why I was beaten up and transported from Earth to this place! A party for Zim!” 

Zim sounded cheerful but you knew that nothing could be further from the truth.

You could see the panic radiate from his beautiful magenta eyes.

He was simply in denial to protect his mind from the truth.

“SILENCE! ALL WILL BE MADE CLEAR ZIM.” The first Brain bellowed, almost sounding annoyed.

“Geez this is a party, lighten up!” Zim huffed as he rolled his eyes, “Hey can I make a quick call?”

The guards exchanged annoyed glances before begrudgingly agreeing.

After a few minutes, Zim returned to the center of the Spike of Judgement.

“C’mon hurry up and praise me! Every second I spend off Earth is time lost! Zim time! Because I am Zim!!” 

“IT MAKES NOISES.” The second Control Brain bellowed.

“BOTHERSOME NOISES” Replied the third.

Zim looked over and let out an excited gasp.

“My Tallest! And Y/N! This really *is* a surprise party! You honor me greatly on the most wobbly gelatinous parts of my squeedilyspooch!” 

You let out a whimper as you turned away from Zim’s excited grin.

“That’s Zim! Start already!” Purple commanded.

And with that, The Control Brains plugged into Zim’s PAK and begun the Evaluation.

You watched Zim’s memories playback on a large monitor next to The Control Brains.

While Zim did indeed commit quite a few atrocities, most if not all of them were the result of accidents.

It wasn’t long before Zim realized what was going on.

After a comical escape attempt, Zim was dragged back to Judgementia and plugged back into the Control Brains.

“OUR RULING: ZIM’S I.D PAK IS DAMAGED AND HAS LED TO A CORRUPT DATA PATH. HE IS...A DEFECTIVE!” The first Control Brain bellowed.

“But..I can’t live without my PAK!” Zim wailed.

Purple opened his mouth to speak but you cut him off.

“WAIT!! Almighty Control  Brains! Please spare him!”

The entire room gasped before falling silent.

“IT DARES TO DEFIE US?” Asked The second brain

“HOW FOOLISH” replied the third.

“Y/N ARE YOU CRA-“

“GENERAL Y/N. STATE WHY ZIM’S I.D PAK SHOULD NOT BE DELETED.” The first Brain ordered “YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE”

 You cleared your throat and took in a deep breath.

“Almighty Control Brains, while it’s true that Zim has committed many atrocities, I believe these atrocities to be the result of mere accidents and not the result of a damaged PAK. Therefore I propose that Zim train in my boot camp in order to correct these mistakes!” Your voice was laced with a slight plea as a few tears trickled down your cheeks.

The first Control Brain hummed for a moment.

“YOUR OFFER SOUNDS INTERESTING....”

Both you and Zim lit up but it was way too early to celebrate.

“HOWEVER IT SHALL BE DENIED.”

“WHAT?!” You and Zim exclaimed in unison.

In a last ditch effort to save Zim you cried out.

“If you won’t accept my offer than delete my PAK instead!”

Another gasp echoed throughout the hall as Purple fainted into Red’s arms.

“Y/N NO! ARE YOU INSANE?!” Zim yelped.

In spite of everyone’s protests you continued.

“My PAK data is just as damaged if not more so than Zim’s! I am one of the few Irkens capable of feeling compassion and,” you looked into Zim’s eyes, “.......affection...”

“IT WISHES TO SACRIFICE ITS LIFE FOR THE DEFECTIVE’S?” Asked the second Brain.

“THIS ONE TRULY IS FOOLISH.” The third Brain tutted.

The first Control Brain almost seemed surprised

“GENERAL Y/N, ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU WISH TO SACRIFICE YOUR PAK DATA IN EXCHANGE FOR ZIM’S?”

“Y/N NO-ACK!”

ZAP!

Zim was cut of by a shock from the first Brain.

“Yes! Yes I am! Just as long as you spare Zim!” You pleaded as you looked into the many eyes of the first Brain.

“Y/N NO-“ Red cried out

“VERY WELL. IN EXCHANGE FOR GENERAL Y/N’S PAK DATA, ZIM

SHALL BE SPARED FOR NOW.” The first Brain interjected.

“Y/N!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!” Zim wailed as the first Brain released his PAK.

FWIP!

CLANG!

The first Brain latched on to your PAK and dragged you to the center of the spike of Judges.

“Control Brains! Stop this at once! General Y/N is not a defective!” Red pleaded as a few tears trickled down his cheeks.

“THE DECISION HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE. COMMENCING DELETION PROTOCOL!” 

With another ZAP! You felt the life slowly drain from your PAK.

Zim let out a panicked cry and shoved past the guards.

“Y/N! Why...Why would you do this?! Why would you something so stupid?!” 

You gave Zim a sad smile and caressed his face.

“Because I love you....”

With a soft sniffle you gazed deeply into Zim’s magenta eyes.

“One day you will realize...The stars you are chasing shine bright deep inside you...but will you ever let it shine from within... And cast all your fears aside... You’ll see the light but until that day comes...”

Zim burst into tears as he desperately clung to your gentle hands.

You winced but still tried to keep a smile.

“My dearly beloved, be strong I shall be there. Always here beside you. So keep your head held high..”

Zim tried his best to hold you close as you kept singing.

“The shadows of this world will try to steal you away into their arms but you belong in mine...”

You returned the hug and let out a soft purr.

“We are one within a dream, so hold me close and count the stars with me... All our scattered memories... I will find the pieces one by one..”

Zim clung to you for dear life. 

The Control Brains lifted you up in a poor attempt to shake Zim off of you, only fir him to cling tighter.

“Solar flares fly over me... I’ll keep you in my memory...”

You and Zim were gently spinning in the air. 

If Red didn’t know any better he’d assumed you and Zim had planned this as some kind of elaborate performance before Zim was deleted.

“This dream that lives within your eyes, I wish to see it come to life.”

Both you and Zim were in tears as the song continued

“A thousand blades into the sky, reach out and link our worlds, yours and mine. Let the stars rush over you. And one day I know we shall meet again!”

“My dearly beloved, be strong I shall be there. Always here beside you. So keep your head held high. The shadows of this world will try to steal you away into their arms but you belong in mine! ” Zim’s desperate plea melted with your voice.

You pulled Zim into a gentle kiss and sung softly.

“My dearly beloved...”

Just as you felt your last spark of life start to fade-

CRACK! CRASH!

Zim pulled with all his might and tore you free from The first Brain’sclutches.

Wasting no time, Zim scooped you up into his arms, hopped into his Voot and took you back to Earth with him.

Once he made it back to his base, he immediately hooked your PAK up to a medical bay.

After days of tedious labor, your F/C eyes finally opened.

“Y/N! You’re ok!” Tears of joy spilled down Zim’s cheeks as he caressed your face.

“Zim? I... I’m alive?” Your voice was dry and scratchy.

“Yes! So very much alive!”

 You let out a soft laugh.

“I knew we’d meet again...”

“Yes! And I’ll never ever let you leave my side!” Zim sobbed as he gently held you close.

“Don’t worry, I promise I’ll never leave you again, My dearly beloved