#i won't tag this as i normally would because it's negative

[whipplefilter]

Richmond (2) 2024

A story told in five parts:

And me hating Austin Dillon, below the cut:

Hi! That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Viscerally disgusted. My least favorite track won by the only car in the whole field I think is an actually irredeemable scourge!!! And then had the gall to go ahead and win badly!!!!! I'll accept "do what you gotta do" and I don't particularly mind people who drive like jackasses when push comes to shove (Denny and Joey, for instance), but driving through someone when you're multiple car-lengths back looks dumb as hell. Chick Hicks behavior, except Chick Hicks was tied for the points lead at the end of that season. AT LEAST HE WASN'T P-FREAKING-32 FOR THE SEASON.

Not that I dislike AD because I think he's bad at driving. I simply think he's a worm of a man! And I hate that the 3 is trash garbage all year long, every year, and then will whip out his singular win for the biennial to shunt his garbage car into the Round of 16, and half the time win a crown jewel while he's at it.

hate hate hat ehat ehate hate hat ehate hate hate hat hate

[kittykatkatelol]

the urge to starve for this week because I'm visiting my grandma on Sunday who always has to comment on my weight and I've gained since last I saw her

queue incoherent screeching /neg

warning big vent in tags

[en-geneisaxx]

𝒲𝑒𝒷𝒷𝑒𝒹 𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒶𝓃𝑔𝓁𝑒𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓈

𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: 𝑺𝒑𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒏!𝑯𝒐𝒐𝒏 𝒙 𝒇𝒆𝒎!𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓

🄵🄴🄰🅃🅄🅁🄸🄽🄶: ᴇɴʜʏᴘᴇɴ, ʏᴇᴏɴᴊᴜɴ ᴏғ ᴛxᴛ

E̶n̶e̶m̶y̶s̶ 𝚝𝚘 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 trope, 𝕾𝖚𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖔 au.

sʏᴘɴᴏsɪs: Sunghoon is quite a confusing man. He's the renowned spiderman that's keeping its identity a question, but he is also quite a mean guy to a certain lady. But, your natural charms had a go at him, and now he's looking at you at a different persepective: someone he could spend his forever with. It'll take time though, from pain to growth, but rest assured, he's quite a lover.

𝑇𝑎𝑔𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑔: @jaylaxies @pockettwinzz @diorsyun @rinbowaman @heeslomll @hoonieshoneymain (lmk if you want to be tagged!)

ʅιƙҽʂ, ɾҽႦʅσɠʂ αɳԃ/σɾ ϝσʅʅσɯιɳɠ ɱҽ ɯιʅʅ Ⴆҽ ɱυƈԋ αρρɾҽƈιαƚҽԃ!!

A/n: OK! So, like I said, I was influenced by the works of @jaylaxies and @star-sim with their spidey hoon fics, and now I've come to make mine! Please, take a read at theirs too, for they have most likely done it better than me 😅 Anyways, thank you and I hope you enjoy!!

Preview:

Dividers by @dollywons!!

"OK OK, ARE WE READY?"

"YEAH YEAH, LET'S JUST GET IT OVER WITH!"

"HYUNG, YOU BETTER HAVE GOTTEN IN"

"Well...I mean-"

"SHHH, NO NEGATIVITY. WE CANNOT JINX THIS. HOON, BE EXCITED FOR ONCE. THIS IS A CHANCE TO GET INTO ONE OF THE 𝐁𝐄𝐒𝐓 UNIVERSITIES!!"

"It'll-"

"RIGHT. 3,2,1..."

Despite looking unbothered, inside, Sunghoon was in a battle between his mental state and he urge to just pass out right there and then. He didn't want to take another test or go to a different university, for it would've exhausted him. Going to SNU would be one of his great achievements, as a normal being that is.

The whole group enveloped Sunghoon, eagerly watching the screen of his laptop load. They have been making Sunghoon study as hard as he can, since they've been concerned about the lack of knowledge he has in academics. It was alarming, because -despite being highly looked after and payed by Engene Entertainment -, he still had to get a life as a normal guy.

And behold, a blessing from the universe, Sunghoon's acceptance letter.

"LET'S GAURRRR" Shouted the aussie, arms swinging about as he ran about, aimlessly.

"I...I can't believe it...We...WE DID IT GUYS" Sunghoon said enthusiatically, smiling and laughing in the happy moment, breathing in the bright atmosphere.

"Sunoo, you're up next soon, just you wait..." Said Jungwon in a teasing manner, taking advantage of his youth.

"ARGH, SHUT UP!! I don't wanna go~" He whines, heading over to the kitchen to find some snacks as comfort.

"Well, you'll be busy now, Sunghoon, for all I know." Says the aged man in a calm manner.

"Hyung, you don't sound like your age at all..." Claims Niki, "You sound like your birth certificate expired!" He insulted, laughing his head off as he tightly clutches his stomach to regain his breathing.

"Niki, you better find a job, because I won't-"

Knowing better than to keep Jay pissed, he began kneeling with a yearn for forgiveness.

"Well, we gotta prepare Sunghoon for Uni now!" Announced Heeseung. It was getting late, so it would be better to finish things up quickly, so they could do their nightly patrols.

"Not to worry, I helped with that," Comes back Jake with the bags and suitcases prepared.

"Ok, now, let's get changed before Yeonjun shouts at us for not going already." Rushes Heeseung, he didn't want to cope with the boss' glares.

In just a few seconds, they were in their form that the people looked up to.

"One, two, three: Enhypen!" And off they go, sailing in the skies, basking in the orange glow.

[studentbyday]

{ 05.11.24 } · { 50 days of routine } · { day 7 }

I was never “popular” at school. Not that I ever cared to be. I don't have the personality for it. And I don't really care to have the personality for it either. I'm not and never will be That Girl™ material, a “high-value woman”, or whatever feminine persona is trendy on TikTok these days (and i'm not even ON TikTok, but ofc the trends spread everywhere like wildfire) because I don't look the part (nor do I want to...i quite like my personal style) or think or speak or act the way she would if it goes against my values and/or it won't actually improve my wellbeing. I say I don't care. And I really truly don't because a lot of it and what it leads to is straight-up problematic for my personal case, running counter to the life I want to live and all my reasons why. But as with anything, being yourself has its pros and cons.

Sometimes I still feel like it's hard to truly belong anywhere...even the places I make for myself like this blog... Sometimes when I feel like this, I feel like the only place I most belong is in my head. It's not good. That's not where I need to be, nor do I need to be much concerned about trends on social media and what drives people to follow them. And I certainly don't need to compare myself to anyone else. I need to be in the real world and focused on my work only because I think it's worth it and because I think I'm worth it as I am.

I'm not sure why I felt like saying this.

~~~Friendly PSA: STOP 🖐🏻 scrolling social media of any kind when feeling low in self-esteem.~~~

got up at 7, continued filling in the CBT workbook then decided to move my answers elsewhere because the annotating feature in the ebook app is getting annoying, started my day at 8 with the usual minimalist morning routine

10/30 mins of the same beginner pilates workout i did a few days ago except i forgot to breathe and ended up so light-headed i couldn't go anymore...

filling in CBT workbook because i can't get the reflection questions out of my head until i answer them... 😣 so far, nothing new has been revealed to me, but in the busy-ness of the day-to-day, i tend to neglect ALL the other dimensions of my life and then forget that that's why i feel so shitty and the problem is the self-prompted reflection i tend to do at this time carries a lot of negativity and pessimism and comparison and judgment and it's not very organized, it's actually not organized at all, it's always just a word vomit. but when i do it now, with the tone of the categorized prompts not being judgy at all, i'm able to look at my problems more objectively and holistically and like "oh okay, i'm not doing as bad in this dimension as i thought and the REAL problem is this other dimension of life and all the specific things you mention are lacking here" and idk, sometimes i think it's weird that my brain works this way, it's like i was looking at the same picture the entire time and all i had to do was turn it a bit to the left for it to make sense. is this how brains normally work? 😅

finished last week's microbio module

researching for global health assignment...will begin writing tmr 😅👍

finished section 1/2 of last week's immunology module and started the loooong second section 🥴👍

🎧 some nights – fun.

@zzzzzestforlife tagged me to do this picrew! it was fun. and it's so coincidental that i've been thinking about ghosts lately! the past versions of us that we follow without question when they tell us what to do, what not to do, and what we should aspire for... ☁️ sometimes those ghosts are right...and sometimes they're just plain toxic.

tagging @whenmemoriesfrost @chemblrish @ecologie-txt @winryrockbellwannabe @obakanosandoitchi if you want to :)

[the-blossica-fan]

ABSOLUTE CINEMA ONCE MORE 👏👏👏👏👏

Matilda's daily routine both improves and gets worse because of Kimberly I believe 😭

On top of that..... you then need to consider the fact Matilda needs to well. Initially answer the Foundation how why and when she became bound to Kimberly

Hopefully she gets a promotion for her troubles 😭

Imagining the addition of Kimberly into Matilda's daily life is so silly but so funny.

"So, how did Ms. Kimberly" The foundation worker turns to the lady sitting there playing with a cat's toy "end up bound to you?"

"I was tricked by Eternity!! She gave me the toy with no explanation and when I would it up, boom! Kimberly was here!"

"Hii" The girl, hearing her name mentioned by her master, waves at the worker.

"...Okay. We're going to need you to cast her back to her seal-" The foundation worker stopped, feeling a murderous gaze on her and fearing to turn to it "-or we can leave her to your care. Sign here" she takes out a paper and pushes it to Matilda "and you'll become the official caretaker of Ms. Kimberly"

Matilda looked at the now calm and peaceful Kimberly and then at the office worker. "C-can you help me with her?" She whispers and receives a negative.

"Sorry, she's too scary, just sign here."

And now, it seems Matilda has a dangerous girl under her wing! (Get it, since she's a duck)

Morning routines are quite a change. She's the first to wake up just to be greeted by the sight of her beautiful girlfriends- and an intruding face

"Good morning Master!"

And that's how her day begins.

"Kimberly, can't you brush your teeth on the other sink?"

"...? But I like being here by your side, master!"

"..."

They're brushing their teeth in the morning, in front of the same small mirror while Kimberly tries to copy Matilda's movements. Meanwhile, Mercuria and Kanjira sleep peacefully together.

When it comes to getting ready, Kimberly wants to comb Matilda's hair or the other way around.

"Master, master! May I brush your hair? Oh it looks so soft this morning!"

"You won't leave me alone unless I let you, right?"

"Nope!"

Breakfast is funny because by this time, Mercuria and Kanjira are awake and they share their time with Matilda and Ms. Kimberly tagging along.

"Do you like meat?" Mercuria turns to Kimberly who side-eyes the meat in her plate

"Mmm~ yes, I do! Will you give me some?"

"Sure, here you go."

It's oddly peaceful and familiar, Kanjira and Mercuria treat Kimberly normally and don't seem to mind her much. If they don't want something, Kimberly will lick that plate shining clean.

Working with Kimberly is... A problem.

"Do you want me to get rid of your boss, master?"

"No, please don't ever mention that again"

"Okay, master!"

Kimberly's company is quite entertaining as she will do whatever she wants and say whatever she wants but follows after Matilda 24/7

"the foundation is filled with repressed homosexuals..."

"Kimberly- we're right in front of Madam Z! (Aggressively whispering)"

"Your new friend is... Quite funny."

And at night, when Matilda, Mercuria and Kanjira all cuddle together to sleep, they all can feel Kimberly stretching on top of them then just making space for herself... On top of them.

Three girlfriends and this one girl that tags along acts much like a cat.

[maochira]

Hii Mao, I really loved the love language writing you did before and wonder if I could request the same prompt with Sendou and/or Reo

Anyway have a good day/night😭

Thank you!!

Requests open! - masterlist

Tags: gn!reader, established relationship, fluff, not proofread

Shuto Sendou

Words of affirmation: This is Sendou's main love language. But not because he says "I love you" a lot. It's because there's something so special in the way he talks only to you. A special softness in his voice always with an undertone of pure love. He wouldn't even need to say "I love you" or give you any compliments, because the way he talks in day-to-day conversations to you shows enough of his love.

Acts of service: He's pretty average in this love language. There's not much that stands out neither in a positive nor negative way, at least regarding how he helps you out. But if you help him even with tiny tasks, he's super appreciative of that! He will try to make up for it in some way, even though you insist it's a natural thing for you to do.

Gift-giving and -receiving: Sendou loves to spoil you. A lot. And he loves being spoiled by you just as much! Most of the time you're taking turns when it comes to spoiling each other. Sometimes you have little joking-teasing arguments on who's going to pay when you're shopping or eating out together, and Sendou usually ends up being the one who wins.

Quality time: At first, Sendou didn't expect quality time to be this important to him. But then he started to crave having you even while doing regular daily tasks and he ended up missing you so so much all the time, he kind of rushed a part of the relationship and you moved in with him only two months after you started dating. And this ended up being a great idea! Both you and Sendou enjoy being together so much and you never get tired of each other.

Physical touch: Sendou is extremely touchy. No matter what you're doing, he always has to interrupt you at least once by hugging you from behind so he can get a kiss. When you're sleeping next to each other, he clings onto you as if you were a big plushie and he doesn't let go the entire night.

Reo Mikage

Words of affirmation: Reo showers you with compliments whenever he can. He also repeats how much he loves you over and over! He does that especially in front of other people so they can also know how much he loves you and that you belong to him.

Acts of service: Reo would do any task you ask him for. If you need help, he's right there. Most of the time he does the entire thing on his own even though you only needed him to help a little bit.

Gift-giving and -receiving: You'd probably expect gift-giving to be his main love language, but no. It's still a big one, though! Reo grew up getting everything he wanted which made him lose joy in the presents he received from his parents. This is why he doesn't want to spoil you too much. He doesn't want to overdo it so his gifts won't lose their meaning to you. When it comes to receiving gifts from you, Reo adores every single one! Especially handmade ones make his heart go crazy. He always gets obsessed with whatever you give him because he knows how much thought you put into everything.

Quality time: This is actually his main love language! No matter what you're doing together, everything counts as quality time to Reo. You could silently sit next to each other doing nothing at all and it'd still be the highlight of his day. Simply being with you and enjoying each other's presence is more than enough for him.

Physical touch: Reo doesn't notice how touchy he gets all the time. To him, it's just the normal amount. With others around, he always reaches for your hand to hold it or has one of his hands resting on your waist or thigh. But when you're alone he's constantly showering you with kisses and has his hands on your body. He also loves to carry you around a lot! Either on his back or in bridal style.

Taglist (sign-up link): @astruosie @kaineedstherapy12 @zyuuuu @yerinsshi @luvcalico @remy-roll @truegoist @rienniey @acacIa @kermitslefteyeball11 @futuristicxie @bluelock4life @blueberrryui @takorirei @https-archangel @ririgards @kaiserkisser @userwithlotsoftime @nikokii @chaosinanutshell @peachesncat @0rah-s @isagikisser @vanitasbrainrot @rrueyuo

[oscconfessions]

(I thoguh I made this anon some time ago bit oh well)

Coming from someone who likes II neg, I feel like the biggest issue many active communtiy members have is not having nuance

Like okay II is bad(or certian parts yadada), so why is it bad well that's because the writers are bad at writing, why are they bad at writing? Well they may just be uneducated- Clearly their all bad people because as we know good people would write a better show which means they must all be bad horrible cis het white straight man queerbaiting children

Like I've seen people say that, and coming from someone critical of the II team and the show. That's a VERY odd thing to assume right off the bat, it feels like you don't want to be critcial of the actual people but rather whar you think they are. It's like we as a communtiy feel the need to give a reason on why we dislike these people so we make them the worst possible thing to exist(to us). II isn't disney, their not cishetmen in suits, they've writeen bad shit but when you look at the current potical views of the team it's clear they are more leftleaning than anything.

The og ask was made when justin still used he/they, but I always found it soo werid how many people who are II neg seemed to ignore the fact Justin is Nonbianry/isn't cis. Honeslty I think 3 months in most the critism I started seeing felt like a flanderazation of what I had seen in the past. It felt like there was a said narrative I had to follow to post and if my cirtism wasn't just the same rycelded take I'd be shot on the spot (and also if it didn't accuse the writers and writiing of being bigoted) which it is! (AT certian points, but I feel like the II neg tag will take things they subjectivly don't like and put that label on them because their of said miniority and feel like their being discrimanted againts because that exprience didn't line up with theirs 1:1). Honestly when it comes to neg some of you guys are just as mindless as the fans you rant on but that a issue in all neg tags so meh.

Not to baby the crew memebers their all adults their not dumbasses. But honeslty to fellow II neg?? People? Fans? Whatever, sometimes I feel like we gave up cirtizing II a long time ago. I feel like it's a competetion to see who can find the "bigoted" moment in the newest episode. Which is important to do! II has a bunch of bad rep/shitty parts. But it feels like were scared the critism we have won't stand if we don't link it to the crew being bigots in someway, so we basically make these serious issues into buzzwords we throw around to shit on the II cast.

Again mabye I'm misunderstanding points, or anything I'm not saying everyone who thinks any of the II crew are bad/shit idfk even queer baiters is wrong mabye I'm the one giving the white guys too much lesiure and mabye I should see them as the dark vators of the osc who the hell knows. But sometimes it's like you guys are misconsudring their actions to fit your vision for them.

I can't say I still like II, I'm not a fan of most of the crew members (Only Sam since I like his tpot writing lol) and I'm thankful I found the tag (I love analazying shit in a critcal and none critical way), and it was a great place to be to vent my issues with the ladder part of III, and the show in genral). I do agree a lot of II fans are unciritcal of the show and I do agree we shpuld normalize ciritism in the osc since it only servers to imporves the work we make.

(Also some of you guys Glaze really shit critism I'm sorry you need better tastse) alsoo I feel like people who are very agreesivly on the tag need to chill (ESPICALLY to the tweens on there, I see you and I know what it feels like to be a loser sucked into online discourse it's not worth it broski I was once like you broski) but that could be another ask lmao

Sorry for the yap! If I'm being frank the only reason I put this here is because I'm not dealing with the mob of angry "YOU LACK MEDIA CRITISM" people to get jnto my ask box and dms, or the be publicy scrutinzed because my take dosen't fit the norm we've made for ourselves. Also I cohld rant about the fact most of my fellow II neg people are really paethic and look for acceptence and so they act all uppity with II fans(even thoguh that's such a shitty way to get people to be more critical of a show, and history has shown that it only makes fandom and neg spaces more toxic and worse), but people have been doing that om the nett since the dawn of time lmao. Overall I migdht come back to ramble some more one day, to whatwver mod is reading this sorry for the spelling and sorry for the yap(again) bye!

.

[ifthetreefalls]

I DON'T LIKE APOLOGIZING FOR THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL, BUT I THINK THAT'S THE ONLY REAL WAY TO START. I'M SORRY THAT I HURT YOU. OR, THAT THEY DID. IF WE WERE EVER GOING TO HAVE THAT CONVERSATION, IT SHOULD'VE BEEN THROUGH ME. BUT I WASN'T THERE. I'M SORRY I HURT YOU. I NEVER SHOULD'VE MADE YOU CRY.

THE TRUTH IS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. SOMEONE TOLD ME I SHOULD WRITE EVERYTHING OUT, BUT IT'S SO HARD TO PUT TO WORDS THE THINGS I ONLY FEEL IN PIECES.

I'M JUST SCARED. BASICALLY ALL THE TIME.

WHEN YOU CAME BACK, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I SPENT THE PAST ALMOST DECADE OF MY AFTERLIFE THINKING YOU WERE GONE. THE STUMP END WAS SPENT WATCHING THROUGH A SCREEN. AND ALL THAT TIME, I WAS SCARED YOU WOULDN'T WAKE UP. BUT ALSO MAYBE SCARED YOU WOULD, BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT'D MEAN FOR ME. AND WHEN YOU DID, I STILL DIDN'T KNOW. OR, I GUESS I DO, BUT.

I COULDN'T HATE YOU, AS YOU WERE. AND IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT FOR YEARS. I COULDN'T BE ANGRY AND BLAME YOU FOR BEING GONE. I GOT TIRED OF THAT BEFORE THE FIRST MONTH. I REALLY ONLY BLAME MYSELF, FOR NOT FINDING YOU SOONER. I COULDN'T PUT THAT NEGATIVITY ON YOU. I STILL CAN'T. OVER TIME, I JUST WANTED TO KNOW YOU WERE SAFE AGAIN. EVERYTHING ELSE EVAPORATED.

I CAN'T JUST BE THE PERSON I WAS BEFORE I HAD TO WAIT FOR YOU. I CAN'T BE THE PERSON I WAS BEFORE I WAS WORRIED. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE, I'M JUST GONE, NOW. AND THEY'RE ALWAYS HERE, MAKING IT WORSE. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH THEM, AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH ME. I'M TOO FAR OUTSIDE MYSELF TO BE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING BUT MINDLESS LABOR, ANYMORE, BECAUSE IF I THINK TOO MUCH, I FALL APART. WHEN I SEE YOU, IT'S EASY TO FALL APART, BECAUSE YOU RIP ME INTO TWO CAMPS. AND THAT SCARES ME. WHAT IF ONE DAY, I'M TORN, AND I DON'T COME BACK? I CAN'T PUT EITHER OF US THROUGH THAT. I WON'T.

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GO THE WAY YOU DID. BUT I KNOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY, ANYMORE. NOT THE WAY YOU WANTED ME TO. I'M A MESS. I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU WITHOUT BEING TAGGED OUT, WHICH IS WHY I'M FORCED TO WRITE THIS AFTER THE FACT. AND YOU DESERVE MORE STABILITY THAN THAT. YOU DESERVE A LOT BETTER THAN I'M CAPABLE OF GIVING.

I'M SORRY FOR WHAT'S HAPPENED. I WISH EVERY DAY THAT IT REALLY WAS JUST A HURDLE TO OVERCOME, BUT IT'S NOT. IT'S PLAGUED ME FOR SO LONG, AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO STAND BY AND WATCH ME CONTINUE TO FAIL AT SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS EXISTING. I DON'T WANT YOU TO KEEP GETTING HURT ON THE NEVERENDING CAROUSEL OF MISSED ACCOUNTABILITY WE CALL MY FRACTURED PSYCHE, WAITING FOR SOMEONE WHO MIGHT NOT COME BACK ONE DAY. IF THERE WERE SOMETHING TERMINAL IN THE AFTERLIFE, IT'D PROBABLY BE ME. AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU DRAGGED ALONG FOR THE RIDE. IT'S MORE CONFUSION THAN IT'S WORTH. IT'S MORE THAN I'M WORTH. IF I'M EVEN A REAL PERSON ANYMORE.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I'M THE ONE WHO LEFT, FIRST. I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOT EVERYTHING WRONG, AND I'M THE ONE WHO CHANGED EVEN WHEN I SWORE I NEVER WOULD. AND I'M SORRY.

IF I COULD GO BACK, I WOULD. I MISS BEING NORMAL. I MISSED YOU, TOO. BUT AT LEAST NOW I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT, IF YOU DECIDE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE.

I JUST HOPE YOUR FUTURE IS HAPPIER, WHEREVER YOU FIND IT. I'LL ALWAYS CARE ABOUT YOU, NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN IF I CARE TOO MUCH IN THE WAYS I SHOULDN'T. I RESPECT THE WAY YOU FEEL, AND I'M.. HONORED THAT I COULD MATTER. THAT EVEN AFTER THIS LONG, YOU'D STILL FEEL THAT WAY.

I'M JUST SORRY YOU COULDN'T TELL IT TO THE VERSION OF ME YOU WERE PROBABLY HOPING TO FIND.

I DON'T KNOW.

PLEASE BE SAFE.

[villain-disorder]

It's hard to keep the brain calm and kind to itself, with this mix of disorders I have. It knows what I can do, it knows how I feel and how I want to lash out despite all logic. I can never lash out, though. Sometimes I wish I could just so it would all go away. If I lashed out hard enough, I'd be left alone to not cause damage to anyone ever again after that. You know, get it all over with.

I so sorely want to be loved and cared about, and to feel loved and cared about, but another part of me just wants to be left alone because I can't help but feel like that's not possible. I feel that even if people love me now, eventually it'll be the final straw for them and I'll be left alone again. I'm not sure how to feel safe when my brain won't let me feel like anything is permanent, like abandonment is just around the corner.

I want to be listened to and loved and respected but sometimes I wish I'd be hurt deliberately enough that I'd have a good, justified reason to explode at someone other than myself for a change. But I feel horrible about that too. That's just making me feel selfish. I don't want to pick fights with those I love and I don't want them handed to me either. I just don't want to feel pain, or hurt people either. I can't handle hurting people that I actually manage to care about and I certainly can't handle any percieved hurt I get from it, regardless of there's any ill intent at all.

I'm obviously in a bit of a low. I'll end up fine, I always do, it's a part of the cycle. I just know that this will come back, because this is part of it all. A cycle of psychosis and depression and mania. Not sure if it'll end and I'll come out of it normal one day, with meds or what have you. But I'm a stubborn bitch, so I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not sure why I'm posting to Tumblr of all places. I guess it brings me comfort in a weird way, when there isn't anything else available. People who understand me and won't assume I'm evil for having cluster B disorders or whatever are here, at least. And I've separated myself from my system's main account, so I can just... Be. And I like that.

I might post personal things here more often? Anything negative will be tagged with #vent as always, so feel free to block that tag. It's easier to write here than in a physical book, anyway. Writing with pens and pencils isn't good for my hands.

[bteezxyewriter12]

Only You/ 12

Pairing- Yoongi x Named Reader

Word count- 3.4k

Includes- Protective boyfriend Yoongi, sex, studio sex, desk sex, blow job, cock riding, missionary, from behind, choking, squirting, multiple orgasms

Tag List- @mingtina @jaxxmine @yeosayang @delightfulmoonbanana @tannie13 @y00nzin0 @marsstarxhwa

@borntowalkaway @soulseobi05 @kpop-bambi @seokwoosmole @meowmeowminnie @realisticnotes @effielumiere @jintheastronaut

Masterlists- check out for more fics

📝Series Masterlist 📝Masterlists

📝BTS Masterlist 📝Yoongi Masterlist

Yoongi POV

"Are you sure you wanna do this Yoongi?", she asks as I boot up my computer

"Definitely"

"But you don't have to"

"Yes I do jagi. That shit that happened yesterday can't happen again. And they need to know that"

Clicking on the vlive app, I opening it, getting ready to do a live

"Just....just don't get angry ok? Don't say anything you're going to regret"

I look over at her

She's biting her lip and I can tell she's nervous

"Come here jagi", I call, holding my hand out to her

She comes over, taking my hand and I pull her in my lap

"Don't worry baby", I assure her, running my fingers in her hair, "I'm not going to be angry or mean ok. I'm just going to explain that ARMYS and the media need to respect normal social boundaries when I'm out with you. They can't swarm everywhere we go. I won't let you get hurt"

"I know you won't Yoongi, but baby you're an idol. Of course everyone is going to want to be where you are"

I shake my head, "This is different jagi. They would only want to be where I am to see you. To find out about you. And they have no right to do that. Anything they know about you is what you and I discuss is ok for them to know and only when I tell them"

I don't want them to go digging for her social medias or into her life

And I need to tell them that

I will

"Ok baby?", I ask

She nods, "Ok Yoongi. You know what's best when it comes to ARMY and the media"

I nod, "I would never hurt you jagi. You know that right?"

"Of course I know that Yoongi", she answers, "I hope you know I would never hurt you either"

"I know jagi. You're the best"

She giggles, "You're the best too naekkeo"

Smiling, I pull her to me in a soft kiss, still so awed that I can now kiss her anytime I want to without being afraid of rejection

After the kiss, she gets up and sits on the couch opposite of me

I decided to do the vlive in my studio rather than at home

I don't really want anyone to see my apartment for now

Clicking start, I sit back and wait for the number of viewers to climb

As soon as the ARMYS log on, I'm hit with question after question about her

Who she is, what she is to me, am I dating her, is she my girlfriend

There are even comments having the audacity to ask if she's just a girl I'm fucking

Like the comments read, "Are you fucking her?"

That pisses me off because who I fuck is none of their business

I'm a grown ass man, I can fuck whoever I want

After the minutes and the viewer counter is in the millions, I start

"I here to talk about what happened last night. When went out to eat"

"You were with a girl!", the comments read

"Yes I was with a girl. My girlfriend"

And the comments explode

"You have a girlfriend?

"You shouldn't have a girlfriend"

"She'll drag you down"

"Unacceptable"

"Break up with her"

So many negative comments but a few positive ones come through

"Congratulations!"

"She's so lucky"

"You guys look cute together"

"Happy for both of you"

Those are far and few between but I'm glad they're there

"Listen", I say, "The girl is my best friend. She's been my best friend since we were little. And recently we realized we loved each other and we're now in a romantic relationship. That's all you need to know about her right now"

All the comments ask are if I'm serious when I said we love each other

"Yes I'm serious. I wouldn't say it if I wasn't. This isn't just a casual relationship ok. I'm in love with her. She's in love with me. It's serious."

Some ARMYS tell me I can't be in a relationship, some say it's not serious, it'll end, I should end it, like they know what she or I feel

"I'm not ending the relationship", I snap, getting more upset, "I waited a long time for her and I'm not going to end it because you all don't like it. It's not about you"

How can they think they can tell me what to do?

My own parents don't tell me what to do

"Yoongi", she calls softly, "Relax baby. You're getting too angry"

She's right

I'm just so heated

Taking a breath, I say, "The reason I came on here is to tell you that when I'm out with her, please do not show up to where we are. I don't need a swarm of you guys and the media whenever we go, like what happened last night"

Some ARMYS are telling me that I have no right to ask that because I'm an idol and everything about me is public

They're so wrong

They only know what I tell them

"First off, I do have a right to privacy. You do not need to know everything that goes on in my life. Yeah I'm an idol but I'm also a person. And she has nothing to do with BTS. She's part of my personal life", I answer, keeping my cool for now, "Secondly she's not an idol and she deserves privacy. Thirdly last night put her in danger and I am not going to let that happen again. There could of been sasaengs there who would try to hurt her. That is never going to happen. I love you all but if anyone tries to hurt her, I will fight back"

They need to know I'm not joking

If anyone tries to hit her or take her from me, I'm punching them in the face

I don't care

Lot of ARMYS are upset with me but I really don't care

Did they expect any of us to never be in love?

To never have someone?

They get to have someone, boyfriend, girlfriend, wives, husbands, kids but we can't?

It's absurd

"I'm asking you to not look her up, dig into her life or try to find her social medias. You should wait for me to tell you about her. And in the future anything I do tell you is with her permission. Her and I will discuss what is relevant for you to know and only when she tells me it's ok, then I'll tell you. Until then, leave her alone. You can be angry at me, you can send hate to me but leave her out of it"

The comments kept asking, "What's her name?", "What is her job?" and other personal questions

Didn't I just fucking say I'll tell them about her on our time?

It's like they don't listen

"Her name is jagi", I answer

"That's not her name"

"Really jagi? Didn't you say you'd never call your girlfriend couple names?"

"That's a couple name"

"That's not a real name"

Honestly I'm getting more irritated and I need to end this live

"Her name is jagi", I repeat, "That is all you need to know for now ok? I'm sorry if your upset, if you don't like it but I have a girlfriend, I love her and I'm not leaving her. Thank you for listening"

Not reading anymore comments, I end the vlive

Leaning back in my chair, I groan, my hands over my face

I feel her climb in my lap, her arms around me, hugging me tightly

"Thank you Yoongi"

Lowering my arms, I wrap them around her, kissing her forehead

"Of course jagi. I love you. Nothing is going to take me away from you. Nothing"

"Good naekkeo because I can't be without you"

I smile widely hearing that and I'm grateful for it

"You never have to be without me jagi. I promise", I promise her

She smiles, leaning towards me, her soft perfect lips against mine

I take in her kiss, feel her love and I'm so happy

As the kiss heats up, she presses her body against mine, her hips moving, making me hard

"Someone's hard", she giggles against my lips

"When I'm around you jagi, I'm always hard", I assure her, listening to her cute laugh, "The question is, are you wet for me?"

"Always naekkeo", she confirms, "Always"

As I kiss her neck, I ask, "Hmm then how about we get your pants and panties off and you bounce on my cock?"

"Definitely", she answers, indeed getting off me

My hands automatically go to her leggings, pulling everything off in one go, then getting my own pants and boxers off

"Fuck Yoongi", she moans, kneeling down, her mouth around my head, sucking softly

"Fuck baby", I groan, pleasure running through me

Her head goes down more, taking more of me in, sucking like she can't get enough

I watch her head bob, watch my cock disappear in her mouth and fuck me, it's such a beautiful sight

"Baby looks so pretty with my cock in her mouth"

"Mmm", she moans, taking all of me in her mouth, moving her head back and forth so fast

Tears fall down her face as she blows me, her spit all over, making such a mess

I fucking love it but I have to stop her before I cum

Gently pushing her off, I ask, "Sit on my cock baby. Wanna feel you wrapped around me"

She nods, standing up and climbing into my lap

Holding my dick up for her, she sinks down on me, pushing hard, opening up so well for me as I push through her tightness

"Fuck, fuck, fuck", I whimper, the pleasure already so intense

Fuck, going inside her feels like the first time everytime

So fucking good, it's insane

She circles her hips, wiggling down until she's sitting against my legs

"Mmm so good naekkeo", she murmurs, pulling off my shirt and throwing it behind me

Her lips immediately press kiss after kiss to my neck, her tongue licking my skin before she kisses

"Fuck jagi", I moan, pulling her shirt up

She doesn't stop kissing me, now kissing along my shoulder, making shivers run up my spine

"Baby, want your shirt off", I whine

She pouts, pulling away, letting me take her shirt and bra off

Once they're off, she's back to kiss me, her body pressed against mine, she soft skin against mine

"Jagi", I whimper, loving all the kisses she gives me

As she continues to shower me in kisses, she begins to bounce, starting off slowly, increasing her speed with every move

Pleasure crashes over me, feeling her clench around me over and over, soaking my cock and my lap

"Yes baby, fuck. Love being inside you baby. Feel so fucking good"

She whimpers softly, her lips finally kissing mine as her fingers move into the back of my hair, tugging softly

I run my hands down her back, gripping her ass hard, helping her move up and down my cock

I make sure I hit her spot everytime, her cunt drenching me even more

I kiss her hard, my tongue against hers as I thrust up into her as she comes down, slipping deeper into her

Her hand tightens in my hair, her other arm wrapped around my neck so tightly

Moving together, I fall into the bliss, into her, loving how perfect we got together

I one hundred percent believe I was made for her

I normally wouldn't believe in that stuff but with her I believe it

I feel it

She's my perfect everything and I'm meant to be with her

She tightens around my cock hard, so close and I can't wait to feel her cum

Sex for me has quickly become all about her

Making her feel good, making her cum as much as she can before I do

I love watching her in pleasure, it turns me on like nothing else

"Yoongi", she moans against my lips

"Cum for me jagi. Please baby. Wanna feel you", I plead

Bringing her down, I smash her spot , loud cries of my name sounding in the room as she orgasms

She gets impossibly tight, strangling my cock so fucking pleasurably

"Yes jagi. Oh fuck", I moan, holding her on my length, letting her ride it out on my cock, "Cum all over my cock baby. Fuck yes"

When she finishes, I hold her and stand up, swiping everything on my desk to the floor, the crashing satisfy

I don't care if anything breaks, I can buy more if I need to

Right now I need her

Laying her on the desk, I open her legs, sinking into her, filling her cunt right up

"Yoongi", she moans so prettily

Leaning over her, my hands find their way around her boobs, squeezing as her pussy spasms around my length

"Gonna fuck you stupid baby girl, until the only thing in your head is me"

She nods, "Please naekkeo"

Pulling out, I groan seeing her cream all over me, dripping to the floor

"God so pretty baby. Made such a pretty creamy mess"

She whimpers as I snap my hips, driving my cock into her

"Yes Yoongi", she cries, her body arching off my desk

I get a good hard pacing going, my eyes watching her hole open for me, straining around my cock, her cream covering me completely

"Fuck jagi, your pussy looks so fucking pretty stuffed with my cock"

"Oh god", she moans, clenching down on me

"So tight for me. Like my cock fucking you?"

"Love it!", she shouts, "I love your cock Yoongi"

"Good girl", I praise her, railing her into my desk

I fuck her mercilessly, everything left on my desk shaking with each thrust

She greedily takes my cock, sucking me back in, going crazy around me

Sliding my hands down to her hips, I lift her up, pulling her down my cock as I pound in

Each hit brings her closer, tightening so hard around my cock

"Fuck, baby's gonna cum", I tell her, "Throbbing so good baby. Need your cream all over me"

She has so much pleasure on her face, her eyes glazing over, her hands gripping my wrists tightly

"C'mon jagi. Let me feel you cum", I demand, driving my dick right into her spot

She snaps, screaming, her body shuddering as she orgasms so beautifully

"Yoongi! Yoongi!", she screams, her pussy spasming hard and fast

"Ffff...fuck", I groan, closing my eyes against the pleasure, forcing myself to keep moving, fucking her through it

Her legs squeezing around me hard, her pussy pulsing so fucking good

She breathes heavily when she finishes and I need more of her

Pulling out, I help her turn over, bending her over my desk and getting back inside her

She sucks me back in, taking me so well, gripping my cock hard, her body shivering

"So good baby", I tell her, starting to move

"Yoongi", she moans, as I plunge into her, making sure I'm against her spot

"Yeah baby. Gonna make you feel so good", I promise, wrapping one arm around her waist and sliding up her sweaty body, in between her breasts, resting my hand around her neck

Her cunt tightens harder, a soft moans escaping her lips and I think she likes this

"Is that what you want baby?", I ask, softly touching her neck, her hands tightening on the edge of the desk as she completely soaks my cock

"Yes", she moans

"Wanna be choked?", I ask, getting slightly excited

I've never done this before and I'm game for trying it

I know I won't hurt her

I'd never hurt her

"Yes Yoongi"

"Ok baby girl", I murmur, kissing her shoulder blade

Thrusting into her wet pussy, I tighten my grip around her neck slightly

Her body stiffens, her pussy going crazy on my cock, throbbing like lightening

After a few seconds, I let go of her neck and she breathes in

"Again", she whimpers

Squeezing her neck, the same thing happens, pussy tightening and creaming my cock so much, it's dripping down my balls

Choking her a few times brings her closer and closer, the constant clenching getting me right there too

"Gonna cum like this baby girl?", I ask, reaching my other hand around her waist and playing with her clit

"Yes Yoongi. Wanna cum. Please", she moans, pretty tears falling down her face

"Mm jagi look at you crying on my cock. That desperate to cum around me?"

I love seeing her tears because that means I'm giving her so much pleasure and I want to make her feel that amazing all the time

"Yes, yes, yes", she cries

Fucking into her, I rub her clit at the same time and choke her

Almost immediately she orgasms, my entire pelvis wet with her squirt

Letting go of her neck, her screams of my name shatter the silence and I i watch her cunt gush so much squirt like a fucking waterfall

The ecstasy tidal waving over me set me off and I pull her back on my cock, shooting my cum into her squirting throbbing hole

"Joanne fuck!", I yell, stars bursting in my vision from the sheer bliss

I can't fucking think, I don't know which way is up, all I can do is feel her pussy suck all the cum from my cock

When I come back to Earth, I realize she's slumped over my desk and I'm digging my nails into her hips

I immediately let her go, pulling out and turning her over, getting her in my arms

"Jagi. Are you ok?", I call, shoving the hair out of her face, "Did I hurt you baby?"

Her eyes open, a lazy smile on her face, "No baby, you didn't hurt me. I'm good. I'm better than good. Fuck Yoongi"

My body relaxes as I pull her to me, hugging her tightly

"You sure baby?"

"Yeah naekkeo. I'm sure"

"Alright", I answer, kissing the top of her head, "Tired jagi?"

She nods, cuddling into my chest, "Do you have to work?"

I should, I have songs I need to get done

I can't slack off or I'll never hear the end of it from the guys

"Yeah jagi, I'm gonna stay. But you can go home and I'll see you later"

She shakes her head, "Wanna say with you"

"But you're sleepy baby. It's ok"

"I'll sleep on the couch", she argues softly, "I just don't want to be away from you naekkeo"

My heart melts, "Alright jagi. I don't want to be away from you either"

I don't but I would if she wanted to go home and sleep

I'd definitely miss her but I know I'd see her later tonight

But if she wants to stay I'm not going to argue

"Come baby. I have pillows and a blanket"

"For when you're here all night?", she chuckles

"Yeah baby", I smile

I quickly make the couch up for her, getting her to lay down and pulling the blanket over her

"I'll try to hurry baby"

"You do no such thing", she yawns, "Take your time naekkeo. I'm not going anywhere ok? Even when I wake up, if you're not done we're not leaving. I don't mind staying with you while you work"

I can't hold back the smile that breaks on my face

I know she used to stay with Hobi while he worked and she did stay with me a few times too

But this is the first time as my girlfriend and it's special to me

"Yes ma'am", I laugh, the press a soft kiss to her lips

She smiles, cuddling into the blanket, "I love you Yoongi"

"I love you Jo", I say, kissing her forehead

Getting up, I get dressed, then start picking up all my equipment I threw on the floor

Luckily, nothing is broken

Scratched, dinged up yea but not broken

Twenty minutes later, I have everything back on the desk and connected, finally sitting down in my chair

Opening the files I need, I glance over at her, smiling when I see her fast asleep

She's so fucking beautiful and she's all mine

Turning my attention back to the computer, I put my headphones on and start working

[yutasbimil]

Antimony

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (7/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: angst, hurt/comfort cw: heavy on (self) angst; suicidal ideation; graphic and morbid descriptions on said thoughts, negative self-talk, skewed self-perception, mentions of attempts, self-harm. triggering topic on neglect and invalidation of family/relatives. + fudge, I HATE typing this down and reading it to edit, it just crawls into my skin THIS IS THE WORST + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 3.2k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2024)

Her existence persists to be a contradiction. Her daily pursuits are deliberating from making up her mind on things… as everything had been pointed out too much with being smothered and neglected by her family. Who knew that such a dynamic is possible to be of existence? 

But it would also be a miracle if they just started thinking straight and be normal for once.

From happiness and despair, does she truly care that her pessimism gets in the way of enjoying the art of stoicism? Or is she just truly numbed and disappointed to even care?

‘This is crazy talk from the meds…’

Yule clenched her jaw subconsciously.

‘I hate myself for falling into a slope and fucking relapsing—’

“You okay, my love?” Vyn asks, he is not quite sure of the volume he had observed her. He’s surer about the weeks it has occurred. Vyn is most sure that the lavender essence of the tea and atmosphere doesn’t amount to any help to the lady across from him.

Yule tiredly replies, nodding weakly before lowering her head as droopy as her eyes. The fatigue is catching up with her, along with being numbed along with the medication. She’s still quite adjusting.

But today shows a darker shade in her façade.

Exhaustion reeks in her aura.

“Obviously not, Vyn…” her grumpiness slipped along with her groan. The migraines from jaw clenching aren't adding to her comfortability. 

Vyn had no other choice but to dismiss her snarky attitude.

“You do know I won't go anywhere even if you act that way towards me, right?” Vyn looks towards her sharp glares, she just huffs. He had noticed such patterns of irritability with her, and her means to sabotage anything when she's insecure. “I'll just be here, and just so you know, being harsh and cold towards me hurts, Yule. But let me remind you that I've handled worse so I won't be unfazed.”

“Ha, so you do admit I'm at par, worse?” she rolls her eyes, clicking her tongue. “I doubt that you'll manage, just admit I'm a jerk one can’t handle.”

Vyn’s brow twitched slightly at her sudden shift, he managed to simply purse his lips in a thin line.

“I didn't say anything of the like, Yule. Acting harshly can hurt others, even words can be sharp, does it not?”

“Whatever, just leave then.” Yule doesn't even bat another eye, her tone gradually turning childish. “I'm being pathetic and making a scene right now for the sake of it. I’m that destructive, a ticking bomb. It's obvious to you since you're so smart with your two degrees.”

So, she does know she just wants to fight ‘just because’? Good thing I won't retaliate. With his usual finesse, Vyn stayed nonchalant.

I'll take that as a compliment for her remembering and including it in her snarky remark.

It was clear she was not in a rational state.

Technically, they’re currently in a foreign place for her so it would be ridiculous to just leave her here. It’s silly enough she’s proposing to be left when Yule herself admitted she’s “directionally challenged”.

At least she retained her wittiness.

“Giving you the ‘Time Off’ you advised me when you're not in the mood, but I will just be here. I refuse to leave you.” he declared, still at a halt to wait for her next move.

“Why? I’m not even worth keeping, I’m a piece of shi—”

“Triggers, Yule.” Vyn prompts. “Self-degradation; I’m not tolerating any of it. We’ve talked about this.”

“Even you refuse to believe in facts,” she mutters under her breath. Yule attempts to storm off, but Vyn silently just follows.

This was her warning beforehand, it's as if you're facing another person whenever she pushes people away. If anything, her attitude amplified since she had gone back from visiting her family…

Vyn realized this soon enough as she just shut him off and looked further somber. She had been quiet even before coming back to their rented villa. 

Yule just huffs, obviously having difficulty regulating her emotions at the moment. 

Vyn stayed idle. He just suppressed a sigh as he placed down a glass of cold water for Yule. He knows nothing but to show any discomfort to her, most especially her vulnerable moments when she might take the slightest actions and gestures the wrong way.

As to why it ticks Vyn personally how she’s still viewed as not a concern. It’s obviously debilitating her work performance; it’s hindering her work function. Any other areas of her life including her sleep, appetite, and even social aspects.

It’s infuriating all the more that her evident symptoms and warning signs of help are dismissed as merely “physical sickness” by her family. Isn’t stress one of the leading causes of diseases and common knowledge these days?

“I’m angry— not at you, b-but I am lashing out. I’ll- tell later. Maybe, fuck, I don’t care! No one cares!” she burst out, immediately ripping her look off him as she walked out of the living room into the bedroom.

He just blinked, slightly distraught as poker-faced his expression now.

Vyn dragged the chair and sat down, subconsciously observing the condescending droplets form at the glass of water she left. He puts his hands on his face, his fingers stroking his chin in thought. He furrowed his brows at how unexpected the turn of things was for them just now.

Though, he already put the first piece that bridged this disaster from cascading; the verdict of it all.

Yule told Vyn of her last encounter with her family and relatives before their trip.

Last week…

“What if you get physical therapy instead?”

Even till the end, you’re not believing in me huh?

Yule held her tongue and no longer had any care to even bother rebutting. If only they were the ones who would tend the medical bills for her, but no.

The tone of Yule’s mother implied it’s much cheaper, that her symptoms are most likely only physical exhaustion, and that her fatigue is just lack of sleep. She doesn’t take any care of herself for being irresponsible and an immature person, still. Or at least that’s what her mother always says.

But when it comes to my sister, it’s a different story with finances huh? Suddenly the “budget” is non-existent; they’re all in.

She had to compensate for the fees for her therapy session with her own money…

Well, yeah. She had the money now, but what happened to "supporting her till the end"?

It opposes everything they told her.

She just heaved in a sigh, and everything felt heavier on the next happenstance.

The conversation felt a bit of a blur, more on her not bothering to even respond to her being hurt, and just agreed. The frustration, infuriation, and resentment only build up more as her boundaries are trampled over.

If it means I can get a proper assessment, I guess.

The price to pay along with the therapy. Such irony.

“It just gets dragged longer than I want it to, just further emphasizing the usual flow; I’m not the priority, a burden? Ah- it’s just more on being dismissive that: “It’s not that that you’re feeling.” It’s swept under the rug how obvious—goshdamn, the obvious signs of mental distress to my parents, Vyn! But they choose to ignore the possible mental illness.”

The way that Vyn has his vision on her as if he’s correlating the tangled coherence of her explanation, and he’s patient with ears swung wide open. Yule keeps pacing around the room to at least get her mind off the jitters, she lets her mouth agape to avoid drawing out blood from biting her lips.

“It’s like I’m just lying there bleeding, and they’re choosing to turn a blind eye.”

Yule is reminded to breathe, shakingly while easing her stiff shoulders. She felt her muscles firm up while slouching. It’s as if there’s a hanger placed on her clothes.

“Yes, it can be alleviated by massage, and physically, some ache in my body can be healed, through proper treatment, cure, and shit— but the debate just stood there with the elephant in the room, that it’s quite the opposite that my mental strain and fatigue is more on causing me physical symptoms. Manifesting physically instead…”

“Psychosomatic symptoms*, hmm?”

“Y-yeah, exactly! But of course, it just ends up that I brought the proper weapons in a fight, but it’s never to be acknowledged in the first place. As if you’re telling the doctor that they don’t need bandages on obvious bleeding wounds.”

She had known for the longest time of this feeling since high school. 

It felt like she was walking on lead, underwater and had been drowning for years. She’s raising her arms, for flags but it just gets thrown off as nothing. Go with the flow by all means.

But she needed to keep in mind how to slow down, her anchor already reached its point. Yule needs to learn how to rest and not exert herself when she’s already done more than enough.

‘I’m just pushed to my limit, even if I did well in school up to this point of taking exams for additional credentials— I just want to hide everything away when I know that it will just be brushed off at the end of the day.’

It even leaves Vyn’s gaze at her to waver, the flicker of his eyes dimmed for a slight millisecond at the shakiness of her voice.

Yule bitterly snickers, shaking her head weakly with a huff. “I just got my result that I passed, and I now have a name extension, yet everything I get still seems the least believable to them. Vyn, I’m gonna go insane, I tell you!”

This adds salt to the wound, it stings how her eyes feel dry at this point. This is not at all helpful to the abundance of cortisol levels in her system, as her psychologist pointed out. This condition of Psychosomatic Disorder in line with Generalized Anxiety Disorder**?

What a perfect combo indeed.

Adding the cherry on top of this disastrous combo is the crippling depression she has.

Though of course, this isn’t something ‘serious’ to look into, right?

Having to hear all of this and Vyn analyzing it, the brows on his forehead creased in dismay. Much to Yule overanalyzing everything, too.

Even now, it keeps replaying back in her head. It struck her with fear, and disgust to see how he might be having a hard time with her negativity.

Yule feels guilty, especially about how she’s been dragging him along the emotional rollercoaster. Either it’s with the fluctuation of hormones due to her monthly cycles and the effects of the medicine. Even how she even lashed out numerous times, so stupid! ��Vyn is tired of me— wait, correction, because of me.’

It’s vastly different from one’s emotional toll when it comes to handling someone close and dear to you.

Yet he remains patient and kind to her unkindness.

Damn, so now that I’m also clinically diagnosed with chronic Depression, why do I still feel guilty even having to be in a loving relationship? I should be happy, right?

This constant weight of sadness and dreading emptiness is pulling her down, and by the slump of her shoulders, Vyn can thoroughly read the deepening of her thoughts.

Tackle the struggles of being in a relationship, the constant sadness, feeling like a burden for having the condition, and perceived helplessness***.

I don't want to drag him along with me. That's the least of what I want to happen.

‘Yet here I am again, hurting him in the process.’

The last time served as the last fucking time. She really had enough of the feeling of never ever being enough for them.

Because the last time she visited, all the time she spent with them led to her being invalidated every step of the conversation. As if it’s meant as a shitfest for Yule.

And she only brought up her anxiety.

Fuck, she’s glad no mentions of her depression slipped off her lips. What more if she brought up her Borderline Disorder? She is already clinically diagnosed at this point, ha, and yet…

Like a wasted game of ping-pong, her ears rang at how insensitive and obnoxious they sounded around the restaurant table. Just throwing words mindlessly or carelessly as if it doesn’t bear any weight. Everyone sounds like a hypocrite, all-talk about family and love.

Bullshit.

Yule is quite very much aware of the generation gap, and she wanted to educate them at first especially now that she has finished her studies. She had freed up her time for the sake of this lunch out.

Yule wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, still, and redirect her expectations that it will at least be better this time around—just this one damn time—now that months have passed.

Alas, it isn’t.

Yule just pointed out how taking it shallowly and using terms like “depressed” or “OC” can do more harm than good to those who are actually experiencing it. It further strays people from taking mental conditions seriously now that it’s at now all-time high to be aware of it.

Instead, a hand just blocked her vision and laughter deafened her in ridicule. I am just exaggerating it, they’re simply just “an expression” and just saying it as its usage. Like huh?

Yes! And that’s what’s wrong. 

Being “mature” wasn’t prioritized in her head as it flipped a switch in her, and it’s a dangerous one. Part of her feelings are hurt, personally triggering her as they mention more words that further devalue it.

Yule has the said condition. So it goes to show that it just means nothing, huh?

But damn, when it comes to my sister as she’s in the spectrum****, it’s more real and needs help.

She shouldn’t compare and the presence of another does not devalue her experience and condition… Yule has progressed so much these past months being away but in just a day, she sees every hope she has crumbling away. What am I even made for? What is my purpose here in this world?

Ha. Man, maybe if I fucking die and jump off a cliff. It’s still not real for them either way, right?

I always feel like glass when I’m with them.

Again, Yule reverts to her 14-year-old self of being silenced, no words want to come out of her. Dissociating, she just autopilots out of her own will.

Instead of exploding, right?

Thank God she didn’t as she will have to land a grenade on their faces on how ridiculous and insensitive they all are. And it all will just go back to me, as I am the bad guy here. It will be my fault for being insensitive for ruining their afternoon for even daring to speak up.

It’s just so extreme that it turned out this way already, what more if Yule told them of her actual condition, so it will be all for naught?

Does it need to be life-threatening?

Well, even when her allergies broke out intensely, there was no urgency at all from them. Maybe they’re thinking I’m just acting it all out for attention… Worse, she’s dismissed as no biggie when it’s clear that she’s not breathing properly.

With anxiety, so it’s not at all considered as a serious condition getting panic attacks out of nowhere to be called “real”?

Are we going back to Philosophy class to regard what is concrete and real compared to what is intangible?

Very bullshit.

That if I don’t need attention or that anxiety is just “shallow”, it will not appear as if I need help. So, it’s just superficial?

Then they’re the ones who have the guts to invalidate me after putting me through the Psychology field, and then I am not allowed to point out their blabbering? Just when I graduated and got my degree, I am still not reliable? Is it because I am not a practitioner or a doctor? Ha. It’s maddening how they’ll make you stupid.

And yet, they expect me? To finish my master's degree and fucking pass the boards after treating me so ridiculously and not worth it in the subject field?

WTF?

I've been feeling like this since I was 19 in university when they don't believe a thing that I point out because I ain't no doctor!

Yet up until now?

Yule could only sneer at such a rut she has in this ratchet household.

Heck, I will pass the boards, and run through her Master's with ease, but I feel that it is still not enough to be seen.

Beyond sated from food, she can no longer palate anything from her dissatisfying wreck of thoughts. I want to vomit. Nauseous, she stared into nothing once again.

I need to exaggerate the details and severity of the situation, yet it's still dismissed. That her anxiety also needs medication and shit.

Yule feels like a kid begging to be seen and wants attention. She needs to go beyond and bend over backward for facts and her reasons to be heard.

But they just don’t choose to use their damned ears for listening. To her in particular.

Am I just gonna die and it's still not believed in?

With Vyn I still have the tendency to be a compulsive liar in order to be believed in, but I keep forgetting to get it off my system that it is not the same case with him. I need a system reset to be at peace. I want to be my genuine self with him.

I really am trying.

Her far-off stares didn’t leave her glassed orbs as Vyn held her hand tightly by the plateau. She asked if they could get some fresh air earlier. By the looks of it, she had finally calmed down compared to her episode earlier. 

But it still feels heartsinking when she's silent and preoccupied. Vyn squeezed it a few more times before Yule finally responded with a weak smile. But she still goes on and off as she dissociates.

How could I have lost an “okay” Yule in just a few days' time?

Of course, not that he doesn’t like her being like this, but who does want to see a person this way? It pains to see someone you love in so much pain and feeling broken apart. And handled carelessly by people you expect of thick blood.

It tampers a scab on Vyn’s part as well, being let down by your own family who is supposed to serve as a safety net to your existence.

Vyn intertwined his fingers with hers to at least ground her further, she flinched a little. Yule had been silent the most since the start of their trip, although a bit responsive, the difference to her usual behavior shows a wound to her well-being.

He simply observes, he senses her trying the most as she strokes her fingers at his hands as they are sight-seeing. Vyn hopes the view gets her mind off things momentarily.

※ my masterlist | #enjeiwrites ※

[skitskatdacat63]

happy vettonso day!!!! I am smooching you back (also I imagine this must be similar to the ref you made that won't see the light of day)

and never apologize for rambling in tags!! I love them every time!! you are so right, fernando's answer is so much more loaded and he gives the game away in the process 😭 seb is so sure of himself, he just speaks his insane mind. COMPLETE? so...he's all you need then? 😏 heh! he was sooooo proud of that answer too.

fernando is obsessed with winning the encounter (I just counted, it took him 6 whole seconds to respond lmao) and seb's just like ??? could you just be for real for once 😒...but also maybe be my friend 🥺??? hahaha. thank you for peddling them, I love them so much

Happy (late) Vettonso day to you again!!!(also yes you are right, it is similar LOL. I'd post it but it makes me feel like a Larry shipper.)

You put it so well!! It's just such a key difference in them. Lmao I am about to read into this so hard, I'm normal I swear. I'm sure they both had answers instantly, but have completely different approachs. Seb, as you said, is so sure of himself! He lays all of his cards out instantly because it really is not that deep to him. Complimenting Fernando this one time is not going to have any negative affect, and he does not really see it as a game. The way he says it so quick, in addition to it already being a pretty good compliment, makes it more meaningful. It feels so honest, and like you said, is a friendly gesture. Maybe Fernando will be genuine too if Seb extends the olive branch?

Meanwhile Fernando has to think about it for six seconds, and you would think that time allowance would make his compliment more meaningful but NOPE. As you said, he has to win, but instead imo he comes off looking worse. You can just read into his answer so much more. Does he genuinely think Seb is fast? Did he want to say something else? Would that something else be more negative or more positive? Also "fast" is such a loaded answer imo in this sport; like it seems like such a non-answer at first. He had to think for six seconds, and imo was trying to think of an answer that would both: not compliment Seb too hard but not look like he's not trying(because he wants to win y'know.) But then it ends up with him basically bitterly admitting Seb is genuine compeition to him. I think if he didn't feel threatened by Seb, he would've answered instantly. He tries to keep his cards to his chest, but it's like he tripped and they all fell onto the floor face-up in front of him.

Fernando is NOT winning the idgaf war. I just find it funny that both of them are pretty terrible hiding their true emotion, but the way Fernando goes about it makes it explode in his face. So in his attempt to win the interaction at any cost, he just trips and lets Seb win by being too much a tryhard LOL. But I really love it about both of them. Seb isn't afraid to compliment and as I said, Fernando's avoidance in itself is a compliment(bcs it shows he sees Seb as a legitimate contender.) Your tag about Seb being passive agressive saying "Oh." is so real haha. He does not understand Fernando's evasiveness at all bcs this is really no big deal. And meanwhile Fernando doesn't understand Seb's openess at all; doesn't he understand the game??? Why isn't he playing along???

[tubbytarchia]

You don't have to publish this ask but I just need to vent to someone who might understand, cause like, I'm over here like "I don't like fh or scott sorry, I promise though I won't talk about it or maintag just letting you know so you don't waste time since I know there's overlap between us, also I have a lot of interesting ideas about them still but I won't talk or write about them because I know that would make some of you upset and more than anything else I want everyone here to have a fun time and ship and let ship <3" and these unproblematic only fh fans will turn around and be like "oh so you're homophobic? You're the most annoying person on the planet? You're just trying to start a ship war? You're the problem with fandom" like BITCH?! Never met people so determined to make their actually quite comparatively good and healthy fandom toxic

This is where it stops being funny and actually genuinely really upsets me, is that very few people dare to talk about "toxic" Flower Husbands, let alone maintag it (and they should be able to! Because it's not fucking hate? Its valid discussion and expression of opinion that doesn't attack anyone). A few people have been more vocal about it recently and I've seen more people besides you come forth NOW, because you didn't want to upset anyone or get shittalked etc in the past for holding a different opinion to the overwhelming majority. I know people who've joked "am I just insane? Am I just stupid for seeing something here that everybody else is vehemently against?". There's evidently people who have just shut up because otherwise they'll get burned at stake, or they stay in their own little circles

And then a few too many FH posts that dare even imply any negative qualities about FH from a character standpoint get a little bit seen, and suddenly FH tag is full of 10 people defending their ship's honor because how dare you!! The way these people are so fucking volatile about fuck-all upsets me so much. Like, haha, we've been proven right I guess! You DO get burned at stake. These people probably aren't even bothering to read any such FH interpretations if they even SEE any, and don't just see 5 other posts claiming "oh my god can people just shut up about toxic FH and write characters breaking up for NORMAL reasons" (genuinely baffling concern that I've seen like at least 3 times btw??) that just leads them to believe that this is a wide-spread "problem" that needs neutralizing? They take even the thought of such posts as personal attacks that prohibit them from shipping FH for some reason? Like dude I fucking dig FH? Just for not always the same reasons as the majority but I guess I've sinned and shouldn't be allowed to speak lol. And these people don't HAVE to read interpretations they don't like, goddamn, look past?? Block if it hurts you that much?? As you said, the Tumblr traffic fandom is largely really kind and healthy so I can't fathom where the hell these guys come from. And then they proclaim the people who have largely shut up or kept to themselves "the problem", and that's the exact response that has been feared lmao

sorry. Long answer but fuck. I'm so sorry anon. The Flower Husbands scene is truly miserable if you dare think of them as anything other than cuddly and cute and teasing at most. Your interpretation is invalid because. ? homophobia I guess lmao

[klavierpanda]

Intro Post

Hello! I'm panda, check out my gender. I use they/xe/þei primarily and if you want to only use one set that's okay. I am very, very aro. I'm not cis but I'm not trans either. I'm very normal about Omori, Star Trek, Mathematics and trains (lying).

Mutuals if you consistently reblog/post shipping content, please that tag it as #shipping

Meaning of my url

My incredible boyfriend is @tesco-brand-aromantics <2

Mutuals can ask for my discord

Pillowfort (in case Tumblr dies)

Header image is from here

I got these from here

I kindly ask NSFW/18+ blogs, discourse heavy blogs, and shipping centred blogs to not interact

Please don't refer to me with words like "bro" or "dude". Whilst they may be "gender neutral" in your vernacular, they aren't really in mine.

https://www.tumblr.com/klavierpanda/741935276808617984

Opinions/stances:

Gender dysphoria is not a necessary condition to be transgender

I support all "weird" and "contradictory" queer identities of good faith, e.g. mspec gays/lesbians, lesboys/turigirls, xenogenders, queerhets, etc

Sex and romance are not intrinsically bad. Whilst the way that society at large interacts with them is flawed, completely getting rid of them is not the solution

Trans men face a unique form of oppression and "transandrophobia" is a good term to describe it

"Narc abuse" isn't real. There are ways of describing your abuse and abuser which do not demonise personality disorders

I'm both anti-monarchy and anti-unionist (not against trade unions, but the UK being united)

I support informed self-diagnosis

Alterhumanity, nonhumanity, and therianthropy are real

Tone tags are not useless just because you personally don't find them helpful

Making fun of British people is not the progressive win you think it is. You are just playing into the deeply rooted classism. You are not funny (that includes saying "Bri'ish")

The previous point goes doubly if you're making fun of non-English Brits

Sex repulsion/aversion is not an excuse for sex negativity

I hope you enjoy your say!

Sideblogs:

Maths blog: @lipshits-continuous

Omori blog: @omori-in-odd-places

Maths gimmick blog: @maths-terms-identifier

Railway blog: @a-queer-rail-fan

BYF and personal tags under the cut:

Before you follow:

I am from the UK so I use British spelling. This is important if you block certain tags like "bright colours" as Tumblr won't filter those out if you only block the American spellings. If you are unsure of the British spelling of a particular word just send an ask!

I tag triggers as #[trigger] tw

If you would like me to tag any triggers, please ask and I will try my best

Tagging my aro specific posts with ace tags or otherwise talking over said posts will result in you being blocked immediately

Don't hesitate to tag me in a post you think I'd enjoy/send me asks as I enjoy recieving both! (anon is currently on)

Anyone can reblog my yearning posts if they would like to, just be mindful that if they are tagged with nblm I am yearning over a guy

This blog (and all of my blogs) is endo safe

Personal tags:

#panda’s post - general post tag

#ask panda - asks

#panda’s edits - images I’ve edited/memes I’ve made

#panda’s box - for my all time favourite posts

#pandacore - posts with me vibes

#panda’s music - original music/arrangements I have made

#my rock <2 - posts about my boyfriend

[liliallowed]

BRO ok i was reading your tags and you mentioned crimson not having a DT soul, but a soul of Obsession, and i just giggled a bit at that and got excited hehehe.

i like seeing people play with concepts but EXPAND them yk??? like not being bound to them but using them to make you think

i have an au i’ve yet to share about (because it’s. so convoluted at this point and is being rewritten HEIDBDJ) but a big part of it has to do with soul traits and such, at least in regards to the humans right

like for example, one of the human characters has the trait of justice, meanwhile one of the antagonists (with relations to some of the mains) is Retribution.

Retribution is like…a corrupt justice. when you decide YOU define what is just, and you take that into your own hands, it becomes more about vengeance then what is right.

sans has karmatic abilities as well, which is sort of an in between…. fair vengeance, the vengeance isn’t for HIM, he’s moreso a vessel for what is fairly brought upon someone??

ANYWAYS IM RAMBLING, both the justice soul (and kinda sans actually) have to grapple with their similarities with said antagonist. several characters have to grapple with the positive traits they have and the negative or toxic paths those same traits could lead them down. patience turning to passivity. bravery to recklessness and pride, etc

ALL THAT TO SAY i was curious, do you see “obsession” as an evolution/ sub category/ branch OF a determination soul? the determination to push on towards this thing you are fixated on to an inhuman extent? the refusal to let go of this thing you are fixated on (which i find a cool concept because, undertale a message has a LOT to do with letting go…)

ANYWAYShope you don’t mind rambling in your inbox i just find ideas fun and want to hear yours if you’ll humor me HEE HOO

ramble away dear friend!

I love reading these ideas!

as for obsession, yeah it's more like an evolution of determination.

I think there was a post about moral traits being used in excess can corrupt into harmful behavior...

ambition => obsession was one of the given examples.

but well crimson started with determination.

it's like muddied water. its been left to rot away.

but the water NEEDS to move or it will fade away so it spirals around it's contained pool into a whirlpool.

(idk if that allegory made sense but yea)

crimson NEEDS to constantly push themself. Ben if there's nothing to gain. even if their story has already been told.

you are correct! crimson's issues is mainly the lack of closure. the inability to let go.

they TRIED severing the bonds so dear to them by killing everyone but that only made them want to stay to suffer with them instead.

trivia:

obsession has a stronger density than a normal DT soul.

like it can take on 4-5 other human souls (not 6 tho. that's beyond them)

so you'd have to absorb not one not two but six or seven human souls to over power this bich's DT.

obsession also allows them to [refuse] death once, every 24 hours without a reset. even if you take away their reset they won't die that easily.

obsession has a higher LV cap than determination. it maxes out at 50 and can absorb [self inflicted pain] to boost the number up. if there's no one left to kill there's still ways to increase that LV. and their soul is one tank of an endurant killing mechine.

a direct jab at their soul won't kill them.

cutting their head off won't kill them (instantly at least. if they use a healing item in a minute or so their vessel would glitch back to a normal form.)

they're a lot like a zombie minus the infection part that can spread and the slowness and dullness of a shambling corpse. they're fucking FAST.

obsession can allow puppeteering powers and psychological manipulation through [ACT] but crimson doesn't use it. they think it's cowardly and they want to do things "legit".

if there WAS a new foe out there though... they have many abilities they don't use on dust to face them.

[blindmagdalena]

Hey, i'm very sorry if I've hothered you in the past with my asks/by tagging you in stuff. I'm neurodivergent (just recently diagnosed!) and don't really have a full grasp on social cues. Maybe I came off too strongly (I have an issue with that) or wrote something wrong/off-putting and just didn't realize. I'm sorry and I won't bother you anymore. Still a huge fan of your stories, though.

i don’t know who you are, but i’m going to assure you with the utmost love and confidence that i have not been bothered or offended by anyone tagging me/sending asks. if ever i haven’t engaged with something i’ve been sent or tagged in, it’s purely because i either missed it or i just wasn’t in the right headspace.

to be honest, i’m having a really hard time right now. it’s probably a mix of seasonal depression and the holidays. i’ve been really busy and my kid is on winter break, so i haven’t had as much time to be on here as i would normally like. i’m very tired and feeling very wrung out.

i just have a few more days until my schedule goes back to normal. on top of that my wife has her sabbatical coming up, so on the bright side i am VERY much looking forward to that!

congratulations on your diagnosis! it was huge for us when my wife was diagnosed, it really made a lot of pieces fall into place and helped us adjust. be assured that you’re always welcome here, and i always appreciate your thoughts and questions, even if i can’t get to them right away.

at times like this i do wonder if it would be better to turn my asks off. i feel profoundly guilty when they start to pile up, but at the same time i dont want to completely cut people off from being able to interact with me. maybe i’ll post a warning or something when these moods hit. i guess I figured the holidays would provide a reasonable expectation for it, but i know i’ve been active over the holidays before, too.

anyways, sorry! you didn’t ask for a wall of text. i just want to assure you that i don’t have any negative feelings about anyone who’s been engaging with me here. be well and i hope we can continue to be wild about HL together 🖤