#i wish you all the best either way
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so, im alloallo, and bi, but i have a close friend who's a lesbian. we e-cuddle a lot though. i have strong feelings for her that feel like more than just regular friendship, but dont feel romantic and definitly not sexual. i just wanna snuggle her lots and lots. and im wondering like, can an alloallo person have QP feelings for someone?
This is just me here but I absolutely don't see why not, personally. I've actually discussed it with someone in the past on this blog here. tl;dr it makes sense non-allo people would be more aware of queer platonic feelings, just like they're typically more aware of split attraction or alterous attraction, but I don't see why it should be "reserved for them" so to speak. Personally as an aroace person, if anything, I'm always very happy to see an allo person potentially relate to those feelings rather than reflexively stomping them down into the romance-or-sex mould.
#anon#i wish you all the best either way#whatever becomes of you guys' relationship#queerplatonic#qpr
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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i'm having hyperfixation drought so i did what i did best and created a crossover episode
#trafficblr#life series#hermitcraft#qsmp#the drought's been crazy i had to make qsmp x life series/hermitcraft you don't understand i literally had to#i literally cannot tag all of the cubitos without going over the limit so i'm gonna use them to rant about these doodles instead#when i tell you that i think dl!pearl would've loved tilín i'm telling you i think she would've LOVED them like.#something about just wanting to find love at every turn but feeling unwanted spdihgpisadhfpa. and also tilín's name is similar to tilly LOL#the jelly egg is just like if the double life jelly pandas were just an egg that scar loves with all his heart and grian reluctantly accept#i think out of all the duos in qsmp. the one i would want to see in the dl soumate premise the most is slimeriana. it's the dysfunctionalit#i made a post in the past about pac and tango being my fav cubitos bcs they were both crazy cartoonish and like scientists#but it kinda felt like a disservice to leave mike and zedaph out because to me they're argubly crazier and more cartoonish#missa and tim are paired bcs i just really wanted an excuse to draw the wet cats and it just so happened they both have relations to death#skizz and jaiden as the lawyers who were SHOCKINGLY good at their jobs like they cooked with that one#(was also gonna draw joe and roier as bad lawyers but i was running outta steam)#someone's already made a post about grian and (el) quackity and their eye entities so not much elaboration needed there#fit and etho just give the same vibe to be as a dude who has a reputation and is well-known and seems intimidating#i also made fit's arms way too skinny and i don't like it...but i'm not gonna go back and change it now i spent embarassingly long on this#but then his silliness is brought out by The Narrative#foolish and bdubs is one of my favorite drawings because i just knew i wanted to highlight the silly height difference#just realized they're also both god-like figures at least at some point#cellbit and rendog. cat and dog and lore. enough said about their connection.#i couldn't decide who fit etoiles combat hungry anime protagonist vibe best bcs martyn was originally paired with him#but i wanted martyn with phil so i went with my second options: joel and gem#i couldn't draw them mid rage but essentially the title is derived from “WHO KILLED EMPANADA” and “do me a favor. die for me.”#philza minecraft and martyn inthelittlewood. they feel like twins but one is evil (it's martyn)#SOMETHING I FORGOT THAT I WISH I ADDED: BBH AND BIGB AS THE ENTITIES WHO LIE. I HATE MYSELF HOW COULD I FORGET THAT#if i were to pair impulse with someone it would be tubbo? either him or scar would've been with tubbo#and then lizzie i just did not know who i wanted to pair her with. no one really does it like her in my opinion#scott's someone i also had no idea who to put him with he's just so...him...
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i must ask: do they save falin??? The fanart says yes the mild googling says no :(
Are you okay with spoilers for the manga? If yes I can dm you the answer, if no then I'll keep it secret, I also have a link to the manga if you'd like to read ahead and get the answer that way, it's all up to you!
Here's a link to the manga for anyone else who'd like to find out the answer!
#ryss responds#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#dunmesh spoilers#delicious in dungeon#dunmeshi#dungeon meshi manga#fanart can be from canon or it can just be wishful thinking#i wont say either way in this ask whats right and whats not#and its really up to you how you want to get the answer#but personally i would say reading the manga is the best idea#or waiting until all of the anime is out#the manga is completed so the answer is in there#the true answer not the fanart or google answer#so again if you want me to spoil it i can in dms#but its better to read it and find out#edit: had to add a spoiler tag to protect people not looking to read ahead and not looking for spoilers cuz some people cannot behave
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imagine growing up in the order of st dumas and as a kid youre told that if you dont brush your teeth azrael is going to kill you and then azrael in question is some geeky loser
#geeky loser that doesnt brush his teeth either#lilhy and karl experience#or youre told that if you disobey the st dumas himself will come after you but then he actually does as a hallucination#st dumas came after ludovic for kissing a woman If lilhy wants st dumas to speak to her maybe she should try it out too#womean arent allowed to hallucinate st dumas in this order#i wish lilhys development was different because idont even mind her being a villain but it isnt developed in a meaningful way#brian just says once in a while “something is wrong with lilhy... shes changed!!!” we are told well shes evil now and thats it#she doesnt do anything and if she does its so vague and pointless she seems to do ok actually living her best life after all#do you ever think about how normal people perceive jp/az as just jp and people from the order think of them as azrael first
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having such an absolute shit time which is horrible because I had put so much effort into making this week bareable only to be fuckin stranded in the worst place I could be rn because my health was so bad I couldn't leave i feel so fucking bad and helpless and fated to having to suffer over and over and over
#was supposed to stop here to just grab one thing I needed!!! but have been so ill (chronic health bs) that I haven't been able to leave#for two days now and it is ruining me right now im like. in a really fucking bad place in every way jesus christ#stuck w someone who abused me for 20 years (not my ex lol she was shitty af but not abusive)#and shocker he is still gross and doesn't take no for an answer to anything and keeps touching me & not leaving me alone & I couldn't leave#I wouldn't wish this on anybody it absolutely breaks you to be stuck like this because your body doesn't work. I should have gone to the ER#So scared my health is getting worse in really dangerous ways. Could have died the other morning#like what the fuck!! what am I supposed to do I have been trying my best my whole life and it still amounts to being homeless and so sick#and so powerless to change either of those#all I want is a warm safe place to call home. It feels like I can never have that without a knife at my back#delete later#woof woof#vent
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#personal#sometimes i wish i knew what it was like to be someone people want to talk to#or at least had students who could listen to what i say for just five minutes#god i hate yelling then they say thats all i do when if i talked normally no one fucking listens#then i take it way too hard when they say they dont like me when at least i stepped up to take their class#a class that had already ran off one teacher#but no im too useless because i actually make them do work and tried to have rules#last year was hard but at least i felt fulfilled by the end of the year with all my classes#i have never craved the end of the year so much or as much as i have this year#its not even both classes either its just this one that makes me dread working with them as much as they apparently hate me#sadly i can understand why their teacher left#and i know im not the best replacement since im learning how to teach them as they learn from me#but im just tired#its only a month left but i am so ready to never see any of them again#but depression does as it does and makes me question if im even good enough to get another job#one actually teaching my correct subject that i love#i hope like hell that i get a job and one i really want because i dont want to have to come back to this school#*it has the most substitute jobs#i dont like being loud even if no one believes me i dont like being mean though i know when i have too i just dont feel good enough#if i was i think i would have a job by now i mean im 28 and its been 5 schools in 5 years#sorry being sad on main#if you read this#thanks
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haven't opened discord since january (and probably was quiet weeks before deciding to stop even looking at it too, but i don't remember for sure) and it's not like i'm planning to open it now, even thought i know that i left it on invisible and that nobody would be able to see if i'm online or not anyway. it's not even about being perceived, i just don't want to see and acknowledge that someone might've been trying to talk to me in a genuine effort to connect or check if i'm alright. let alone respond to that. i've even had a few dreams about it. keep telling myself "next week, next week i'll reach out and fix this" and then i don't. again, it's been months. when shame and guilt will inevitably overweight the feeling that causes this and i do come back, i hope i won't hear a single "i missed you" because i wouldn't even be able to reply "me too" sincerely. which is another thing. i don't really miss people. time isn't real. and it's not anyone's fault, it's not like i don't care about the people who somehow managed to get close enough (although you can argue that if i cared i wouldn't be this way, and you wouldn't be the first one), but it doesn't really help, does it? so much compassion and care completely wasted, and on me of all people
#i like people. i like interactions where it doesn't cross an arbitrary line of being too personal to freak me out and cause whatever this is#and sometimes i like having friends too but eventually something breaks. every fucking time. there are two scenarios really#i'm either a placeholder. a guy you'd be hanging out with between a breakup and finding someone new for example. you know#or i'm your chill somewhat cold friend who one day just fucks off. most likely unprovoked. wouldn't be your fault#boils down to which of those happens sooner i suppose. that's assuming you even manage to get close somehow in the first place#the only way to keep me around is to let me just be somewhere off in the distance. i'd wave at you occasionally and wish you all the best#and those of you who fit this category? i'm glad to know you and i'm grateful to have you around. genuinely. it means a lot#the only form of connection if you can call it that that's actually bearable for me. and as much as i love being alone i do need Something#benvey tag
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New low. Sobbing in the floor of a dark empty apartment
#well. he’s gone.#it’s definitely relieving in a lot of ways#but….#my apartment is empty#when I moved to this city I had two of my best friends here with me#now I have no one#I will probably never talk to either one of them again#I lived with him for five years. we made our college plans together#and now my apartment is empty and I’m all alone and there’s no one to hear me cry#I feel so pathetic and miserable#and empty but overwhelmed all at once#I almost wish it was all my fault you know#cuz then at least I could pinpoint it I could figure it out#like oh… I’m a shitty person and I treated my friends badly and that’s why I lose them#but I’ve been the one who’s been used and tossed aside and discarded#and I’m alone in a dark empty apartment crying#and I know my old roommate and my old best friend don’t care#they’re both happy and having a good time and have not thought twice about me#and yeah. I feel pathetic#that even after everything I’m wasting grief on this#growing up my family always told me friends never amounted to anything#you had your family and your significant others and that was it you didn’t put everything you had into your friends#and I always thought that was stupid#and I loved my friends so much and I feel like I gave them so much I gave so many of them everything I had#and all I get is being alone and crying in an empty apartment#maybe my family was right I’m so tired of this I’m so so so tired#kaz rambles
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if bloodsoaked killer, avatar of wretched villainy, fetid and rotten, a vile creature to the very core.... why kicked puppy??? why cute round eyes??? why sweet scared girl who just wants to be nice and help everyone????
(in other words it's durge time; monk styles)
(my plan is a Karlach romance, but man, if you deliberately RP as someone who is both very confused and deeply scared, there is something extra reassuring about Gale's confidence. Like I'm trying to lean into Karlach's warmth -both literal and metaphorical- being a source of comfort, and the reason for this character to be drawn to her, but the dynamic of a strong woman who knows nothing and the physically frail man with chronic pain who knows everything IS intriguing...)
(then again, that could just be me being not even just thirsty, but parched for the wizard.)
#squirrel plays bg3#oc: mara#watching my partner play his dark urge made me want to get mine out of tutorial limbo (first tactician run; wish me luck)#she has Astarion-syndrome; looks either like a fucked up gremlin or the most vulnerable creature in existence#.... ironically enough she is very much NOT drawn to Astarion#he's... kind of scaring her I think#played all of like an hour and she seems to have the best rapport with Gale so far#very “i don't understand the thing 🥺” “very well; allow me to explain you the thing in excruciating detail! 😀”#... it does feel good though that even though i can't deny that Astarion is my favorite; it's no issue for me to not romance him#both because i'm so attached to his dynamic with Iona; and because he just Doesn't Work with my other characters#Petyr was very... “i'll fuck anything with a pulse but that's kind of a hard limit for me pal; no offense”#and Mara is “our first two conversations both involved you implying that you'd kill me with a knife. i'm sorry but i'm a lil scared of u”#“please don't take this in a mean way but you are mildly terrifying”
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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my toronto-trip happened to coincide with the last toronto show of taylor swift's tour so i've been getting to people-watch all day with so many people clearly dressed in their concert outfits
there's even a tree near the children's hospital where people have been hanging up friendship bracelets on the strands of christmas lights the city put up and encouraging people to take a bracelet and leave one of their own. and like say what you will about taylor swift and the culture surrounding her but this is just objectively adorable. especially since most of the people i saw at the tree were little kids but even seeing teens/adults get this excited was sweet. like even tho taylor swift has plenty of overpriced merch (as all big musicians do) the most iconic "merch" items from this tour are handmade by fans for fans and accessible to pretty much anyone
like can this friendship bracelet thing catch on for other fanbases??? would love to go to the kith shows this week and trade friendship bracelets that say shit like "chicken lady" or "impolite and evil"
#i do have some kith bracelets i made and some i've gotten from online friends but unfortunately i left them all at home :(#may genuinely ask my parents to bring them up for me if they're in the place i think they are#anyway i've actually enjoyed the vibes of seeing how the eras tour has taken over toronto. i know some people get annoyed at it which valid#bc i also agree taylor swift is overexposed and has done/said shitty things and isn't the best singer/songwriter of all time#but also? idk i just like the vibe of people getting excited about things!!#and how this all feels like celebrating a holiday in a kids-party-way. like when else do you see people dressing up and giving out treats#and yeah i wish people were getting this excited about the show I'M excited about rather than one i'm not going to/don't care about#but at the end of the day. that bracelet tree was very cute when else are you going to have that#i saw a little boy complaining none of the other boys in his class like taylor swift and y'know i don't either but i'd support him lmao
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🤭
#i think you all should know that (largely in my absence) i have#become decidedly.....not bashful about approaching peeps i want to talk to....at least online#bc for some reason you guys think i'm ok and i think you all are really cool#and i love that about you. about people. in general. humans. bless. and i want to acknowledge that#so yes i will randomly leave replies and asks bc i think this life is too harsh to not#take the moments we feel like acknowledging one another and complimenting each other and wishing one another well#that is the best part about it#(i'm still working on translating this to in person#where i am much more awkward but also like most of awkwardness is being afraid to connect#and once you kind bulldoze your way through it while focusing on being kind and focusing on the other person#you realize you're way less awkward than you think#and even the awkwardness itself is beautiful and human and worth embracing and growing through#the last two people i verbally apologized to for being awkward#-which really only translates to not knowing either them or myself or both well enough to be comfortable within our own boundaries-#both looked at me in complete surprise and told me i was not being awkward#so. idk where this ramble is going#but i'm being very outgoing and friendly on tumblr dot com tonight#bc i'd rather learn something about someone and their life and experience than be worried about what they think about me#ragamusings in the tags
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i <3 feeling like i'm literally always making the wrong choice
#every passing day i dig a little deeper the bottomless debt i owe my parents#monetarily and morally#and god i wish i could kill myself but noooooo i tried again and i can't fucking do it i can't#so i just. i don't know i want to be incapacitated i want to be in the psych ward forever.#i don't want to fail and never make enough money to pay for their retirement home#i don't want to have to visit them every god-knows-how-often#i don't want to be fifty years old and still having to exist in relation to my parents#and god they've done nothing BAD i shouldn't want to cut all contact with them#but it's so. i don't know. i don't know how people even do it.#like you always have to come back home you always have to act right you always have to think abt them and text them and call them#and nothing you do is ever right and you want things that can't coexist with their happiness and peace of mind#and you're an asshole in every way you're an asshole deep down and you're an asshole outwardly too#but you can't stop wanting stupid things and acting weird and demanding#and it's a curse upon them to have you near but it's literally so fucking ungrateful of you to stray away a little#and you still do it because you can't stop wanting to follow things instead of keeping to your resolutions#and trying to do the best for them#and nothing is ever the best for them it's always just bad choices cause you shouldn't even exist you're just wrong you're born wrong#you don't want things that are good for them too and you're not capable of good things#dad wants to go on vacation at his family's like twice a year. mom want to stay home and take care of business and relax this year too#even now that grandma is gone and doesn't require her to be near. cuz emptying the flat & all of that.#and it's just. cool cool i make the wrong choice whichever way.#if i stay with mom i'll make dad's family sad and inconvenience my mom and leave dad alone#if i go with dad i'll leave mom alone (also alone to work on the flat) and i'll be an annoying asshole to dad and his family#because i'm too stupid and egoistical to pretend to be fine with things that mildly inconvenience me for five seconds#and either way i won't do any fucking work because i'm a sad piece of shit and i'm going to fail the fuck out of school next year#broadcasting my misery#vent
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This will always be a better option than arguing with people and attempting to control them. It's not great, but at least I can control myself by just leaving
#personal#now. I mean NOTHING to no one 🩷 I felt like this before anyway so#its nothing new to cry about#i always mean nothing to anyone and everyone else always just moves on as if I'm nothing regardless 💗#maybe I should just delete this blog too#I wish i could just do what 16 year old me did and constantly ask do you like them more than me#why do you need this many friends why do you need to constantly be around people#why do you do this then complain about it later and then talk super awesome of it even though you complain about it#why did you say this when it wasn't true#I wish I could say that your reminder that you can love more than one person just made me feel EVEN more#unloved somehow . like i thought you didnt EVEN love now all you do is talk to everyone always#you were the one with a bad outlook on life when we met. now youre super fucking happy because you just get to be around people all the tim#well good for you I guess. I'm not happy but im happy for you. I'll just be bitter forever in my own corner.#no amount of communication will ever fix how awful I fucking feel. and I feel like absolute shit either fucking way#and nothing can help. nothing will help. nothing. literally not one word is reassuring to me despite knowing they mean well#i trust none of it. especially because everyone in my life says one thing and then means or does another#this is probably the best solution for everyone atp
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Yknow, instead of basing a lackluster at best character off a nazi, Coco could have been Chajka, based off the heroic Chajka Klinger, a jewish woman who was essentially a scribe of history
You can even keep the minibag machine gun considering the history of jewish women hiding guns in their purses
#rwde#idk if yall have read the light of days by Judy Batalion but that shit made me cry#do not read that book at work lmao#but in all seriousness it's a v good book i highly recommend#why stan a shitheel based on a nazi when you can recall and rejoice people who did their best during the absolute worst of times#side tangent but reading this book has turned me off all nazi shit#like obvs we grow up w 'nazis r bad bc death and destruction' but reading the individual accounts#following some folks from teen to young death even in a narration#its haunting#its v much the reason i hate jojo rabbit(movie)/caging skies(book)#i do not ever want to see a nazi in a positive light#human? yes. quirky and relatable? FUCKING NO#idk why but the entire book chajka was always the one I felt most drawn to#i wish she'd had a happy ending but i honestly can't say that i would've done any different in those circumstances#i hope she knows peace and that her efforts weren't in vain#whats a proper jewish sendoff for the deceased? im p sure rip is christian#either way chajka i love you
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