#i wish nobody loved me enough to have let me live. now all i am is a bundle of disabilities underdiagnosed and barely understood

[philosophicallie]

i hate food i hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food

[gor3sigil]

Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.

I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.

Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.

I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.

5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.

I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.

I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.

I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.

I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.

I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.

But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.

I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.

It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.

Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.

It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.

You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.

Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.

Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.

[lylianrae]

A list of all the things I have manifested ⋆˚⟡˖ ࣪

We manifest everything in our lives btw - the good and the bad which is why I will be including both to prove that the law does not discriminate. If you can successfully become poor, you can most definately become rich with the same ease because everything is just a state.

Long hair

AHH this is one of my favourite manifestations. Ever since I was young I had a weird bob with a fringe (often crooked) and I wanted long hair like all the other girls (lmaoo) but my mum was strict so she didn't let me grow it out. Although I didn't know about manifestation back then, every new year and birthday I would wish for long hair and I would pretend I was a princess with butt long hair. Guess what, somewhere along the line, my mum let me grow it out and now I have butt length hair (don't really know what to do with it tho </3).

As all kids do, I went through an emo phase where I chopped off like half of my hair like 4 years ago. I literally grew back 7-8" of hair within a month because my parents got too mad. I knew about manifestation here so I just assumed my hair always grows unaturally fast. Same with when I cut bangs, they grew past my chin within a couple of weeks.

Manifesting my way into a private school

Honestly this just shows that you dont need 2430430 hours of working on your self concept to manifest. Literally so many celebs, including Marylin Monroe (the queen), manifested their fame with awful self concept. Likewise, here I was possibly going through the worst time of my life back then. I would wake up at 8 am and start studying and end at 11 pm despite being only 10 at the time. I was so freaking stressed and envious of all the other children and went into a depressive spiral where my two options were pass or die. I didn't even have enough practice and I cried my self to sleep on most nights. Anyways, when i did the exam I was deathly calm and even after the exam I was apparently so chill so my parents thought I failed.

I literally left 9 questions on one paper but throughout the summer, everytime I found a dandelion I would make a wish and imagine digging a tunnel to the examiners room where I secretly change my answers into the right ones (lmfao my tiny 10 yr old brain - idek how it worked). Anyways my results were sent back to me a month later on a random October evening and I got a really high mark. Even after 7 years of going to this school I havn't met anyone who has gotten a mark higher than mine.

Curly hair / straight hair

Sigh. We always want things we don't have. When I was younger I had really straight hair like 1A asian hair but when I was like 10, I really wanted curly hair and I would try to curl it often. After a few months, I manifested a curling iron and my hair literally became naturally curly like right after a wash it would curly af when before it was dead straight. Naturally I grew bored of it and I wanted my straight hair back and for ages I began overcomplicating the law and struggled to manifest it. It was only recently when I actually let go of the 3D that I manifested the silky, shiny straight hair.

Social life?

This is also a funny one, just shows how easily you can manifest. So back in 2021 after lockdown I felt so lonely and felt so left out of my friendship group so after a few months I began stressing myself out and spiraling for like 30 minutes, sobbing to myself about how I was so lonely and how nobody loved me (💀). Anyways it became reality, I found myself uncomfortable in many social situations and found myself becoming forgotten far more easily. I don't really remember the details but it was so bad that I think I accidently manifested social anxiety (oh well we still up tho).

However I am a loa girly so I found myself listening to popularity subliminals and slowly (but surely) my mindset change from having no friends to being the most popular girl in the year. Like no joke I became friends with like 3 people from different social circles so at lunchtime we had to join up like 3 different tables so we can all sit together. Overall I got myself 20+ close friends and even my ex friends began to admire me although it had ended badly. Even now, when someone says something thats untrue - for example saying that they are dumb when they are not, they would be like "ahaha so its like when Rae (me) says she has no friends, the whole school knows who Rae is".

Clear skin

This was sort of in the beginning of my loa (law of attraction back then) journey, I just randomly found out what subliminals were and was still quite new to everything. Now I don't even understand how it happened but I had busted some capillaries under my skin and it looked like small red viens under my skin and bro I was freaking out at the time. One night I was like just, I had enough, I'm going to get myself better skin and so I listened to a sub once for 3-4 days and on like the 4th day, my cheeks began to heat up which was odd and the next day it was 90% gone. Just like magikkkk.

Desired university?

Guys. Feeling is the secret. Don't you ever forgot that - not feeling as in emotions but rather the feeling of knowing. I had 2 entrance exams to do to apply for my universities and it was a stressful time where I wasn't getting enough sleep and wasn't eating enough simply because I didn't have the time. Like I come home from school and would have 3-4 hours of homework, then I need to revise for tests and then the remaining time would be spent on the entrance exams. Each past paper took 2 hours and I have around 13s per questions and I was already struggling on time. Anyways, I began to hate them and I would often complain to my mum saying things like "My score got even lower!!" or "I hate it so much" or "My head hurts / eyes hurt".

Guess what? Not only did I see my score decrease over time but I also made such a silly mistake on the most important entrance exam which I needed for 4/5 of my universities. I left a question and completely forgot to mark on the answer so when I finished the section I realised I had one more space on the sheet with like 10s to spare. I didn't have enough time to go back and fix it and lemme say that I did so badly in the test. Even while waiting for results I was just like "ah it would be a miracle if I scored above this bla bla".

I got the score back and it was so freaking bad like I did not stand a chance at my university at all. However, I started to affirm for a place and to my utter shock and surprise my desired university reached out and offered me an interview. I knew people who had like scores which were 50% better than mine and they still got rejected pre-interview. Anyways I began stressing about the interview and the results of the whole thing and boom. I got rejected 3 days after my birthday lmaoo. But its okay because I'm reapplying and I learnt so much more. I'm redoing the entrance exam and my score is a loooot better than it ever was last year.

A key take away would be thoughts are the result of the state you are in. Your dwelling state manifests and I was focusing on the unrealness and the difficultly of getting into this uni and thats what manifested. At the time I was heartbroken and literally went through the 7 stages of grief and spent so many months trying to revise it only for me to focus on the 3D. Just know that everything is done in imagination and it appears in the 3D as a result.

Photographic memory

So this is also something I had manifested before I actually knew about loa but the takeaway here is that manifestation is always instant. I was around 11 reading a random book on my tiny kindle and the book was on how to develop a good memory and I was like ah that'll be useful. Anyways later in the car, I asked my dad about photographic memory and he sort of explained it to me. I just assumed that I have that and I told him I do. He just laughed at me and said thats something that you have to train for and I was not impressed lmao. Inside my tiny brain, I was just like nope, I already have photographic memory and I dropped that thought. Let me tell you, my memory is actually photographic and has helped me out on so many occasions like my brain just takes pictures of things.

Learning fast

This is also something I did before I knew loa, I was just always wondering why the other kids couldn't grasp concepts as easily as I did. Literally in every lesson I would be like ah I learn so fast and now I am actually blessed with the ability to grasp complex subjects so fast. A favourite example of mine would be when I was obsessed with music but to take it to a higher level you need to be able to play an instrument. I couldn't at the time and my teacher told me the requirements a week before the actual deadline. I have never actually played piano with both hands but one day I sat down and worked through the entire song (fur elise by Beethoven) which is a grade 5 (I think) and it normally takes people months / weeks to learn. I learnt the whole thing in 3 days and from then on, I could play piano like I had been doing for ages. Again the memory thing was so helpful because I never actually used any sheet music, I learnt it off a youtube video and I remembered every single note I needed to play.

Hourglass body + 22" waist

This was a couple of years ago when I actually didn't understand loa. Anyways long story short, I would do a 3 minute workout and then flex infront of the mirror all day (💀) and be like omg I have abs. Overtime, I actually got so skinny everyone around me kept pointing it out to me and my mum got so concerned that she took me to the doctor like 4 times. It was so funny, I would loose like 2-3kg overnight and my parents would have to buy better fitting uniform.

Bigger boobs

This was also back in the day (2021?) when I didn't understand how to manifest things easily af. I had an A cup but I wanted better boobies and I listened to like 2 subs for a week and I went to a B cup. But I just assumed I have a bigger cup size recently and I just skipped C and went to D+ (haven't measured in a long time).

I'm not done but I'm tired now bye bye

[invisible-lint]

Here For You

Lucien x Archeron!Reader

Summary: Lucien finds you Under the Mountain

Warnings: angst, smut, mentions of non/dubiously concensual sex, nothing explicit and not with Lucien

Note: This was going to be a part of Before & After and kinda took on a life of its own oops. It's that same reader though

Word Count: 1.6k

You suppose that you should be glad that you were here and not locked in the dungeon like Feyre was. If she was still alive. And part of you was, at least there was a bed and a fire. But the reason you were here outweighed the luxuries you had.

 You were being used as a plaything. You weren't sure how Amarantha decided which male spent the night with you, but it didn't really matter. Some of them were kind, spending the night sitting in the chair by the fireplace. But most of them weren't. And the ones who weren't, the ones who spent the night in your bed... You'd rather not think about them. You almost wish you had the luxury of fae wine so you didn't have to remember it. 

You pace in front of the fire, trying to keep the anxious anticipation from overcoming you. It wouldn't do you any good. The door opens, and you press your hands into your skirts to hide their shaking, looking at the floor. The male says your name and you sway on your feet, not believing it's him. Perhaps your mind is playing tricks on you, or this is some sort of magic, a cruel trick. He crosses the room and pulls you into his arms, steadying you. He cups your cheek, brushing his thumb along your jaw, under your chin, gently tilting your head up to look at him. It's really him. Lucien. You lean into his touch, tears running down your cheeks. He brushes your tears away. 

"Lucien... Luc… How are you here? I thought... I didn't think..."

"I managed to convince the male who was supposed to be here tonight to let me take his place." You cling to him, burying your face in his chest. 

"How?"

"It doesn't matter. I had to see you." 

You nod. "Not much longer now until Feyre's first task... Any idea what it might be?" 

"No. Nobody knows."

"Can we sit?" 

"Of course." He picks you up, walking over to the chair by the fire and sitting, setting you on his lap. You lean your head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He plays with your hair, and you sigh contentedly. It has been far too long since anyone has touched you with so much care and compassion. With love. 

"I need you to promise me something."

"Anything."

"If Feyre..." You take a deep breath, steeling yourself. "If Feyre dies... I don't know what will happen to me. Amarantha may just kill me. But if she doesn't. If she decides to keep me as a plaything for others to use… I want you to kill me.”

He whispers your name, a pained look on his face. 

“Lucien, please. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I can't. I'm not strong enough.” 

“I can't do that…”

You look up at him, eyes bright with tears. The sight breaks his heart.

“Please.” 

He relents, nodding. “I promise.” 

He prays to the Mother and whatever gods may be listening that he won't have to. But he knows one thing for certain, if he does have to kill you, he’ll follow close behind, hoping that wherever your souls end up you can be happy together. You brush your thumb across his cheek, catching a stray tear. 

“I don't think it will come to that. I think Feyre can do it. But I wanted to have a back up plan, just in case.” 

“I… Understand.” 

“Luc… look at me, please.” 

He looks down at you, and your eyes meet. You can see everything he's feeling, all the pain, the fear, but most of all, you see the love shining through all of it. 

“I love you, Lucien. With all of my heart. And I am so sorry that I have to ask so much of you.” 

“I love you too.” You lean up and kiss him. One of his hands finds its way into your hair, holding you to him. After a moment, you pull back to breathe.

“I want you.” 

“You have me. I'm right here.”

Your cheeks flush. “No. I want you.”

You see it as realization dawns in his eyes.

“That's not why I came here. I just wanted to see you. Hold you.” 

“I know. That's part of why I want you. Because you care about me and how I feel. About what I want. About my desires. If you don't want… We can just sit like this. This is more than enough. More than I ever thought I'd get to experience with you again.” 

He just stares at you a moment before standing suddenly, causing you to squeal and wrap your arms around his neck. He carries you over to the bed, gingerly setting you amongst the pillows.

“Are you sure you want this?” He asks, sitting next to you, brushing his hand across your ribs. 

“Yes. I want you. I choose you.” He leans down to kiss you, his hand trailing from your ribs to your waist. 

“As long as this is what you want. If you change your mind. If you want me to stop. At any point. I don't care when, promise you'll tell me?” He shifts so he's kneeling between your thighs, sliding his hands to your hips.

“I promise.” 

“Good.” He leans down to kiss you, his hands tugging your dress up so it pools at your waist. He trails his hands back down to your hips, savoring the way the soft flesh feels, before hooking his fingers into your underwear and pulling them down, tossing them aside. He trails kisses up the inside of one thigh and then the other, smiling at the soft whine that you make. He does it once more, breathing in the scent of your arousal. Finally, when you open your mouth, ready to beg for him to put his mouth where you want it, he spreads your legs, licking up your center to your clit. You let out a breathy moan, hands tangling in his long hair, as his tongue circles the bundle of nerves. He slides a finger into you, curling it up into that spot inside of you that has you seeing stars. 

Before long, he's adding in another finger, his free hand reaching up to grope at your covered breasts. You let out a loud moan, tugging on his hair, so close to falling over that edge. He flicks his tongue across your clit just right and you fall over the edge, climaxing. He presses wet kisses to your thigh, fingers still going as you come down from your high, enjoying the way you pull his hair so hard it almost hurts. He pulls his fingers out, chuckling at your needy whine, sucking them into his mouth and licking them clean. He grabs your wrists, squeezing them gently to get you to release your grip on his hair so he can sit up. 

He looks into your eyes, looking for any sign that you want him to stop. You speak, as if you had read his mind. 

“Luc, I want you. I need you. Please.” You sit up, reaching for the buckle of his belt. He lets you, pulling his shirt off as you undo his trousers. He stands, pulling them down his thighs, kicking off his boots with them, and as he does you pull your dress off over your head, tossing it so it lands in a heap on the floor. 

You lay back against the pillows, spreading your legs for him, and he pauses for a moment, taking in the sight, before climbing back onto the bed and settling between your thighs. You tense briefly, but he's watching you closely enough to notice the movement. “Do we need to stop?”

“I… I don't want to.” He cups your cheek and you lean into the touch, closing your eyes.

“I know, Love. I know.” You take a deep breath and blow it out, frustrated at how unfair it all is. “Can we try a different way? Maybe if you sit up against the headboard?” He does as you ask, his hands finding a place on your waist as you straddle his hips. You let out a breath, visibly relaxing. 

“Better?”

“Yes.” You grind down on him, smiling at the way he moans, eyes fluttering shut. You do it again and he curses. You don't have enough patience for much more teasing though, your hand reaching between your bodies to stroke his hard cock, lining it up with your entrance. You both moan together at the way he feels stretching you. You lean your forehead against his, just enjoying the way he's filling you up. 

After a moment, you start to move, letting out a low keening moan. Lucien thrusts up into you, looking into your eyes. One of your hands tangles into the hair at the top of his neck, the other pulling one of his hands from its grip on your waist, intertwining your fingers. You both pick up the pace, moaning at the way your pussy clenches around him. 

His hand still on your waist trails down between your bodies to circle your clit. He's getting close, and he wants you to find your release at the same time he does. You kiss him, putting all of your love for him into it. He climaxes shortly after, taking you with him. You all but collapse against his chest, breathing heavy, body tired after two orgasms. 

He slowly, carefully lays down without pulling out, wanting to keep your bodies joined as closely together as possible, pulling the blankets over you. You press kisses to his neck and shoulder, smiling when he kisses the top of your head. He traces his fingers up and down your spine, the action lulling you to sleep. 

“Sleep now, Love. I'll be here to keep you safe.”

A/N: Showing my baby Lucien the love he deserves. I'll eventually post more Before & After, but I also have another thing I started writing with the intent of it being for that that has taken on a life of its own that I'll post when it's done. As per usual, requests are open! I have a couple prompt posts I reblogged and I'd love to get a couple of those!

divider is by @tsunami-of-tears

[mcflymemes]

AS SAID BY DORIAN PAVUS  *  assorted dialogue from dragon age inquisition, updated version

i don't care what they think about me. i care what they think about us.

i like you. more than i should. more than might be wise.

discretion isn't your thing, is it?

all this dancing, politics, and murder makes me a bit homesick.

i suppose it really depends. how bad do you want to be?

living a lie... it festers inside of you, like poison.

i'm a man of many talents. what can i say?

the moment i saw you, i thought "there's a man who knows quality."

if you don't come through this, i swear i'll kill you.

i'm curious where this goes, you and i. we've had fun. perfectly reasonable to leave it here.

here is my proposal: we dispense with the chitchat and move on to something more primal.

i tease you too much, i know.

i'll have to find something we can do that doesn't involve teasing.

time to drink myself into a stupor. it's been that sort of day.

i see you enjoy playing with fire.

i like playing hard to get.

i'm not suggesting we venture into mutual domesticity.

if it's a trap, we escape and kill everyone. you're good at that.

talk to me. let me hear how mystified you are by my anger.

oh, i'm not arguing. just pointing out the ridiculously obvious.

if you choose to leave your door unlocked like a savage, i may or may not come.

now... what was i talking about? ah, yes. me.

i am apparently an incredible ass at accepting gifts.

i prefer the company of men.

would you prefer me bound and leashed?

sometimes the ones you love are also the ones who disappoint you the most.

you are the man i love, [name]. nothing will truly keep us apart.

the things you ask are just... very personal.

sometimes... love isn't enough.

there will always be an "us." we'll just be... farther apart, for a time.

i had no idea something like you was possible.

i'm imagining what you would look like in a dress.

i've never seen you smile so much!

i have no idea what you're talking about.

you stand there, flexing your muscles, huffing like some beast of burden with no thought save conquest.

you're shaping the world for good or ill. how could i aspire to do any less?

my footsies are freezing, thank you.

don't you ever bathe?

you're not suggesting we're similar.

watch where you're pointing that thing!

i'm not wearing a skirt.

it's significantly more impressive than hitting them with a sharp piece of metal.

i only meant to say i'm very sorry for your loss.

we can continue this dance forever, if you wish.

i'm saying we should be careful what we assume when it comes to such matters.

demons don't appreciate a man with good hair.

what i wouldn't give for some proper wine.

your outfit's entertaining. i'll give you that.

he had to leave early on account of assassination.

it's nice to know you have friends.

i'm here to do what is right.

come on, just answer the question.

they were asking me about you. personal things.

you said we'd be ass-deep in trouble. this is more like knee-high.

so what's your estimation? think we can win?

you can't call me pampered. nobody's peeled a grape for me in weeks.

you startled me. you're always so... nondescript.

you're a special and unique snowflake. live the dream.

i wanted to see you make flowers bloom with your song. just once.

you've done a lot less dancing naked in the moonlight than expected.

i've never seen anyone in this part of the world do it.

i realize there's more to you than that.

have i offended you?

for hating the outdoors, you sure seem to like bad weather.

i can't figure you out, [name].

you don't play their stupid game, they send an assassin or three your way.

i can't believe you're scared of magic.

i'm going to take that as a compliment.

still don't like me, [name]? after all this time?

[name], i owe you an apology.

i suspect people will use any excuse to hate us.

why be ashamed? power should be respected, not swept under the carpet.

maybe you're not a complete moron.

i just need to know you're capable of higher thought. for my own comfort.

it would take work. and soap. lots and lots of soap.

[pearlymel]

Short drabble | Blade angst to slight comfort | gn reader.

It's cold. The door is creaking. You don't mind the noise at first.

You turn to your side to look at the open window, the strong breeze making your skin shiver.

Just as you were about to move to close it, you gasp and freeze in place when you feel two arms wrap around you from your back. The feel of your back against his chest makes you relax your shoulders. No one would do that unless it's him.

“I’m exhausted.” Blade whispered in a low rough and raspy voice, his face falling to your shoulder. "I don't understand you," you shake your head, your head dropping just a bit.

You never understood this relationship with him. One moment he makes you feel like the most loved person in the world, vowing words that sound almost meaningless to you, then the next he leaves without a word, leaving for weeks even without informing you. But you can't find the will to leave either, so you let him be close to you.

His grip tightens on your waist, his thumbs digging into your skin. A mixture of frustration fills in you, "You don't have to understand," he replies, a hint of irritation coloring his words. Blade then carefully turns you around so you could face him, his index brushing a strand of hair that was covering your eyes.

"I just know that when everything falls apart, I need you. You're the only one who sees who I really am, flaws and all, and still accepts me.

"What do i get in return?" your voice cracks as you ask, The question hangs in the air, heavy and laden with unspoken expectations. Blade's gaze flicks up to meet yours, his eyes filled with a mix of guilt and defensiveness.

"You get me." He sounds almost vulnerable, "This messy, broken part of me that's been stitched together with frayed threads." He whispered, his hands slowly slide up, thumbs tracing along the shape of your jaw.

"Isn't that enough?"

Your eyes almost water at his words, you would accept him in your arms again because you're just in love. Too in love.

"Then you leave me again, leaving to break my heart again?"

Blade's fingers still on your skin, hesitating for a moment. He pulls you closer to him, his body pressing against yours in a desperate embrace. He buries his face into the crook of your neck, his voice muffled.

"I'm sorry." His voice sounds sincere, and you know it. You feel it.

You clench your jaw tightly, the tears running down your cheeks but you embrace him back.

"It's okay," you manage to speak, "everything will be okay. You can always come back to me." You reassure him, running your fingers through his hair.

"You're just—you're just there. Waiting for me to come back. Accepting me, knowing I'll leave again."

"I have nobody." Your voice cracks again against his hair, both of your hearts beating loudly. "One day... I will no longer exist." You say truthfully, and it's like Blade could feel his heart stop. "and you will be living on." You continue, his fingers tightening around the fabric of your clothes.

"Until then, when your wish is granted, i will wait for you in the afterlife. Maybe then, we could be together. Forever."

Blade's breath hitches, for once, he feels like his mind running in circles. "Don't say things like that," he mutters, "I can't bear the thought of you... not existing."

He pulls you closer, clinging onto you as if he could keep you tethered to him forever.

"I don't want to live without you."

"I'm sorry." You cry harder, the tears falling uncontrollably to the point you feel a lump growing in your throat. Blade shushes you, his hold on you still tight.

"No, don't apologize," he whispers, his voice firm yet gentle. He makes the move to plant a soft kiss on your forehead, "Until then, you're mine. Understood? Mine."

"Only yours, Blade." You manage to smile a bit despite your heart being numb.

"Please tell me everything will be okay." You plead, your hands clutching his chest now. Blade looks down at you, "It will be okay," he nods, his hands cupping your face. "I swear, things will work out." His thumb gently brushes against your cheek, wiping away the remnants of your tears.

His forehead then meets yours, eyes closing tiredly, "When it's bad, I'll come to you. I'll always come back to you. And you'll be there, won't you?"

"Always and forever."

[artificial-transmutations]

Trophy Husband

"That's your boyfriend?" Charlie knew exactly where this was going. He had just shown Linda, a good friend of his, a picture of his boyfriend Theodore, and she already made 'the face'.

"But isn't he..." she began and trailed off, probably searching for a way to phrase it nicely.

Charlie could have helped her, as he knew exactly what she was going to say, but he let her suffer.

"... Perhaps a tiny bit older than you?"

It was true, and Charlie couldn't even be mad at Linda for pointing it out. He would probably have done so, too, if he were in her shoes. The fact was that Theodore was indeed older than Charlie, and not just a bit. With his forty-six years, he was more than twice as old as 21 year old Charlie, and could definitely pass as his father.

"I know."

Charlie knew it, and Linda knew it too. Even though Charlie loved Theodore dearly, he knew what people would think about them. People often assumed that an older man would take advantage of a younger one - that Charlie was kind of a trophy boyfriend for Theodore.

"But it's nothing weird. We're just in love, that's all."

Charlie could tell Linda was not convinced, but forced a smile and nodded, congratulating him on his new relationship.

Later, at dinner with his boyfriend, Charlie told Theodore about his encounter with Linda.

"You know, it's so weird to talk to my friends about us. They all assume that you are some kind of weirdo, or I am just a trophy boyfriend for you. Sometimes I hate that I'm so young compared to you." Charlie said, with a twinge of unhappiness.

Theodore smiled warmly and put his hand on Charlie's knee.

"Well, they couldn't be more wrong. I genuinely love you my dear. You're the only person that matters to me, and you always will be."

Charlie felt his heart melting, and he leaned over the table to kiss his boyfriend.

"Besides, what's wrong with being young? You're so energetic and good looking. Look at me, I have wrinkles already, and my hair is graying. I'm stuck in a boring dead-end office job, and I know that nobody would hire me anymore. I really do wish to be as young as you are again.", he adds with a tender smile.

"You shouldn't. Being young isn't so great. Nobody takes me seriously because I look like I just finished school. And talking about jobs: I can't find a good job either, because everyone is looking for the twenty year old with ten years of experience now. It's ridiculous. I wish I could just magically leave that all behind me and be as old as you. Then nobody would think of us as a weird couple."

After this heart-to-heart, both men grew silent.

Theodore felt weird. The conversation had a strange weight that still resonated between the two of them. Did he really look that old? He stood up and went over to the large mirror in his living room. Sure, he had some wrinkles, and his hair and beard were graying, but it wasn't so bad, right?

He went with his hand over his wrinkles and stretched his skin. Surprisingly enough, once he removed his hand, his skin stayed exactly like that - no more wrinkles, only firm skin. It gave his face a youthful impression he had long lost. It didn't stop there, though. Like a bushfire, the firm skin extended from the point where he touched it outward, quickly stretching out all the wrinkles in his face. The skin cleaned up in the process, as it stretched and firmed.

His hair, too, changed. All the little gray hairs that had appeared over the years returned to their original black color - a process most notably in his stubbly beard that grew more impressive by the minute before suddenly disappearing completely, leaving his chin clean-shaven.

As the transformation spread downward, Theodore hurried to get out of his shirt, to have a better look.

His belly that had turned slightly flabby shrank and became fitter, as did his ass. His biceps grew thicker and his pecs bigger, while his legs became more muscular. All the extra weight he had gained throughout the years seemed to simply melt away, as if he had spent the last decades in a strict fitness program.

Theodore regarded himself in the mirror with a proud smile on his face. Not only did he look fitter, but also younger. His chest hair disappeared just like his beard hat, leaving behind only a muscular and young well-groomed chest worthy of a movie star. His trousers shortened and turned into a completely white pair of shorts, with a generous bulge growing in them. Theodore gave it a squeeze, amazed by the amount of cockmeat he had gained. He could feel himself getting hard just by looking at his reflection. Theodore's eyes turned a bright blue, and blonde dyed highlights appeared in his hair.

Theo shook his head and smirked. He was just looking awesome, as always. And also as always, he was feeling really horny!

He cupped his bulge as he turned around.

Charlie was watching from behind him in awe. What had just happened? He had watched Theodore transform into a young muscular bodybuilder. That couldn't be right!

Still, Charlie himself felt a weird tingling sensation in his body. Fine little hair grew all over him, itching as it did so. Charlie, too got rid of his shirt and pants, standing only in boxers, to watch what was going on. His chest was quickly filled with short brown hairs that continued down in a treasure trail to disappear into his boxers. Underneath the hair, however, his body firmed up considerably. He, too, grew fitter and more muscular than he had before, but it was a different kind of body from the one Theodo- wait, that felt wrong. Charlie frowned and tried the thought again. It was a different kind of body from the one Theo had. Better. It was a product of years of willpower and work, not the easily malleable flesh of youth. That was a body he had worked on for decades!

Charlie watched the hair on his chest turn gray, as he looked down on himself with his usual stern look. It was just his standard way of looking, a fact that made most of his subordinates feel uneasy. Being the CEO of a multi-million dollar company left hardly any time for smiling or all this nonsense. He had to exert authority at every time.

His hair became shorter, styled into a perfect and expensive cut, as their color turned the same silver as his body hair. He touched his face with his weathered, strong hands, feeling the wrinkles all the stress and years of his live have brought him. Sometimes, Charles asked himself if he was getting old. But no. With his 49 years, he was still perfectly in control. He had money, power and authority, and still a great body. And contrary to popular believe, money could buy happiness.

He looked over to his husband Theo, who was busy admiring himself in the mirror again. He was half his age, and dumb as a brick. He would never succeed in live, but he didn't need to. All he needed to do was look good on Charles' side, keep his body in check and present his ass every time Charles' python, which was growing hard in the tight underwear that were once boxer shorts, needed release.

He didn't need to decide or think. Charles' was the one paying the bills and Charles' was the one in control here. Theo was just his trophy husband - and both were very happy with that.

Another request from a subscriber over at my riot page that they chose to make publicitly available. Enjoy!

[romanoffsbish]

A Prompt List

Feel free to pick and choose from the list for your own stories, as well as send in requests (view my masterlist for who I write for) with whatever prompts if you please, 🥰

Angst/Fluff/Smut prompts listed. (18+)

Bonus points if you take the assigned genre and flip it 🤔😏

———

Angst

“Are you serious?” / “I never wanted this!”

“This was never real, was it?” / “I was just a warm body for those cold winter nights…”

“You are vile…” / “I can’t believe I ever believed someone like you could love me.”

“Nothing good ever lasts.” / “Goodbye.”

“I love you.” / “It’s not enough this time.”

“Please, don’t leave me, we can fix this.” /“You left me first, I’m just finishing the job.”

“I love you Y/N.” / “Why do people only say that to me when they’ve wronged me? Am I not deserving of the guiltless love? Like the ones I see in fairytales, where they get swept away smiling, and not where I curl up to weep in my bed for another damn night.”

“I’m sorry.” / “For what exactly? Breaking my trust, and in turn my fragile heart? Or do you only mean that you got caught?”

“I can’t even look at you anymore.” / “Please…” / “This is the end for us.”

“I can’t live without you, I won’t survive.” / “Then I guess I’ll be back for your funeral.”

Fluff

“There’s nobody else I’d ever love like this.”

“Everything I do is for you—my beloved.”

*while stargazing* “If I could, I’d rearrange the stars for you, have them map out your face, because a beauty like yours should transcend the bounds of Earth my darling.”

“I can’t believe that the world had infinite chances to find me a soulmate, and I lucked out and hit the absolute jackpot with you.”

“Did you know that a kiss is worth a thousand words?” / “You should kiss me.”

“You’re the most gorgeous person here.” / “I’d never lie to you darling, god, I wish you could see you the way I do” / “Perfect.”

“Call them —, the worst they could do is say no to you, and trust me, they won’t…” / “They said yes!!!”

“I’ve loved you since the first time I ever laid my eyes on you.” / “Well damn, why’s it taken you so long to make a move then?”

“I can’t believe my cat/dog loves you more than it’s ever loved me.” / “Actually, on second thought it makes sense, you’re far too lovable to even question it; *pets name* you have good taste.”

“I will never tire of watching you sleeping next to me, you’re just so peaceful, and I get to celebrate that you’re all mine.”

Smut

“Careful what you wish for baby, because I’m nothing if not generous…”

“Where should I sit?” / “The couch works just fine, but if you prefer comfort, my face works far better my darling.”

“I’m not letting you go until you’ve either drenched the sheets, or passed out.”

“Fuck me like you mean it —, let everybody know I’m yours before I no longer am.”

“Aww, did my precious little dove think I’d just let that little stunt go?” / “I was hoping so.” / “You’re sadly mistaken toots, now prepare yourself for a long night full of passion, and if you’re lucky—pain.”

“Mommy isn’t very pleased with the outfit you chose to wear tonight, you made those fools think they stood a chance.” / “Maybe they did.” / *incredulous laughter* “Is that right baby? I go on one week long business trip and you just forget who you belong to? Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll remind you.”

“Stay still, or I’ll have you warming daddy’s cock all night long.” / “That’s a good girl.”

“I-I can’t take anymore, please.” / “You can take it, and you’ll do it graciously, one more complaint and I’ll edge you all month.”

“Kiss me, please.” / “Is that all you want baby, is for me to kiss you?” / “N-no, I also want you to fuck me senseless, but a kiss sounded far more romantic.”

“If you don’t fuck me, I’ll be doing it myself!” / “I’m coming!” / “No, I am!”

[notmorbid]

...best american short stories.

dialogue prompts from 100 years of the best american short stories, edited by lorrie moore and heidi pitlor.

death-bed promises should be broken as lightly as they are seriously made.

the dead have no right to lay their clammy fingers upon the living.

if you're going to snore, go to bed!

you look as if you'd seen a ghost or found a gold mine. i don't know which.

i don't expect to marry anybody.

don't ever bet on anything.

i didn’t realize it, but the days came along one after another, and then two years were gone, and everything was gone, and i was gone.

we've suffered like everybody, but on the whole it's a good deal pleasanter.

we were a sort of royalty, almost infallible, with a sort of magic around us.

i should think you'd have had enough of bars.

don't you want a cocktail before dinner?

i want to get to know you.

i don't really need much taking care of anymore.

i don't want you to forget.

have you got a picture of ___?

family quarrels are bitter things. they don't go according to rules.

i was caught in a trap. it wasn't set for me, but it got me all the same.

you wanted a story, so i gave you a good one.

write me a letter. don't forget. i'll be waiting.

my dreams never renege on me. they're all i have to go by.

i don't put the respect on dreams i once did.

are you sure nobody knows where i am?

i don't see why you should ever be afraid of anything.

you know i'd take care of you if anything ever happened, don't you?

don't go away. stay and talk.

you don't have to worry, you know. i wouldn't ever let anything happen to you.

i wish you wouldn't look so unhappy.

i didn't think you saw me. not at first.

how can you get away from anything here?

we're all human on earth.

we couldn't get away from each other if we tried.

i don't want to do a thing from now on till evermore.

sometimes there are about fifteen or twenty minutes in the week when i feel like myself.

i thought it might make you happy. i wanted to make you happy.

and what if they can hear us? who cares?

i thought you were too smart to get hung.

i swear if i'd known what i was doing i would have never hurt you so.

maybe it does some good if you believe it.

i hope you'll remember the things i tried to teach you.

honey, there's a lot that you don't know. but you are going to find it out.

don't you forget what i told you, you hear?

i think people ought to do what they want to do. what else are they alive for?

i can't forget where i've been, and what i've been.

i can't really talk about it. not to you, not to anybody.

don't be a martyr.

with the world in the mess it's in, it's a wonder we can enjoy anything.

if you know who you are, you can go anywhere.

buck up. it won't kill you.

i wish you'd talk to me.

don't you ever want to rest?

i think death is a wonderful thing. i look forward to it.

what tone? i didn't take any tone.

you give everyone too much. that's your trouble.

mad at me, huh?

i don't know why i did it. i'm sorry for it, isn't that enough?

god listened and didn't say yes or no.

you should have gone after them with an ax.

you've been lucky. you always have been.

i bet you're afraid of me.

why aren't you married? you're not ugly. are you gay or something?

how nice. you always try to say the right thing.

you can't seem to keep your mind on one thing for more than a minute at a time.

it's not exactly the kind of thing you can bring up over lunch.

can you keep a secret about what i did today?

i thought when i left, it would just go away.

i want more days like that.

you don't have a heart. there's nothing to love in you.

would you tell me something if i asked you? would you tell me the truth?

other people's dreams are boring.

two salaries and no kids, that's the way to go.

i always seem to miss you.

i don't think i'll ever be dead enough --- or dead long enough --- to get the taste of this life off my teeth.

your optimism always surprises me.

pick on someone your own size.

promise you won't get mad?

i could yell at you, but why waste my breath?

better late than never. i was sure i'd see you someday.

you're a regular whirling dervish.

i don't watch tv. i don't own one.

how do you connect with the rest of the world?

did you like growing up there?

i don't usually say stuff like that.

i've been getting these mixed signals from you. i can't tell if you're attracted to me or not.

you don't have to love me. i love you enough for both of us.

group sex is for teenagers.

i think our hopes are made when we are young, and we can never adjust them to the real world.

how long can you use your parents as an excuse?

a life is like a house. one has to plan carefully where all the furniture will go.

mr. grief and i went a few rounds.

if you think about fear, then you'll be afraid.

i want to be a hero, you know?

you can always trust unhappiness.

i will keep coming until you speak to me.

what brings you here after all these years?

can i hug you? i'd really like to give you a hug.

i worried about you the whole time.

i wanted to be with you all the time.

the moment you fall in love with someone, you are lost.

i had to let you make your own mistakes.

[yridenergyridenergy]

On the eve of the seven-year mark for this account, let's address the biggest hate point about me: how I insist that people either ask before, come and say thanks, simply link to or credit this page when they share/repost the content.

Even if I manage to convince a handful of peopIe, I will continually have to argue and work with people on this because it's not inherent. For example, I come from an online community where, decades ago, we were shocked when we learned that Japanese artists were mad that some people had simply copied and pasted their fanart. It's obvious when you stop to put yourself in their shoes, but for a lot of people, it takes some personal effort to accept the realization that: "Oh okay, I see where you're coming from." In no way am I comparing fanart with most of my content, as artists deserve a ton more praise, but the concept of being grateful for where you got stuff and not simply saving and reposting stuff is the same. And guess what? People outside of that aforementioned community, and even probably newcomers to that community, are still sharing uncredited fanart. It's not inherent, I get it.

For almost seven years, I have posted twice daily, at least, and this requires quite a lot of budget, time, innovation and effort. And absolutely, the content comes from the band themselves, I'm not the photographer(s), the live show recorders, the interviewers, etc. However, you also wouldn't have that GIF, JPG, etc. if it wasn't for me. I do it to share the love, the passion. If I don't mention the source in my post, then it's either directly cited on the picture or the band has not mentioned the source either, like for memocas.

Also, each perpetrator thinks of themselves individually, but imagine my perspective too: it's not just one, but dozens of people who keep reposting my content to their own crowd of followers without any context. When you don't mention a source and just display new content out of nowhere, you are indeed claiming it as if you were the benefactor.

So, am I fighting for the "clout" or whatever? Well, maybe in the same capacity as those people are clearly attracted to. Whether we are or not, it's just about the principle behind the whole situation that reposting is not the proper way to show that you are grateful about something. Unless it came from a robot or some big corporation without feelings or humanity. If you don't wish to interact and ask permission or say thanks at all, let alone like or reblog on Tumblr, then the least you can do is to mention where you found stuff. To whom you owe the pleasure of having seen that content and being able to share it.

And it's so stupid because on Twitter, for example, you benefit from 280 characters now, plus a link gives a preview of the images that are on the landing site. There is zero excuse for not mentioning your source right there in the post where you repost an image (or screenshots of a translated interview, mindblowingly enough), in addition to whatever small comment you want to make regarding the content, instead of in a subsequent reply that nobody will bother to check.

A lot of people will still disagree on this and hate me, and that's fine. If you don't like me, then don't engage with what I share, because that's just hypocritical. This really shouldn't be that controversial, it's just that your feathers are temporarily ruffled. People added watermarks on their GIFs and scans etc. way before I did.

And the descent from "Please credit if you repost" to "Do not repost" came because people didn't do even that anyway. But if someone comes to ask me if they can nevertheless, I'm super likely to say 'yes'.

At the end of the day, I want to keep this blog positive, I want to foster a good environment to lift people's mood day by day. We have enough bullshit in our lives. I've heard of the Dir en grey community being toxic at probably more than one stage of its existence, but hopefully we can keep avoiding that.

As for me, I am eternally grateful to those who keep up with my apparently insufferable self.

[aphidclan-clangen]

you don't have to post this, but I thought it would be funny!!!

Nimblekit: I just scream a lot... I just, scream... a lot

-

Goldshine: With all due respect, which is none,

-

Sparkspeckle: You know how someone can say “I respectfully disagree”? What about “I disrespectfully agree” for when you hate someone but they are unfortunately correct.

-

Shadebreak: I am always up for potential rule breaking.

-

Goldshine: Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself, I do it regularly.

-

Nimblekit: 80% of people are actually ugly because of their face, you know.

-

Pearlstar: Trans people? In my clan? It’s more likely than you think.

-

Blisswhistle: For the last time, you can’t die of adhd.

-

Sparkspeckle: You can do whatever you want forever :D

Stormwhisper: I love you, but that is not helpful.

-

Stormwhisper, too nervous to ask for emotional support: Man, it smells like wrongdog in here.

-

Gravel: Aren’t you like 5’2?

Firebeetle: I self identify as tall.

-

Pearlstar: Every day my joints are shocked and disgusted that I would use them for their intended purpose.

-

Sparkspeckle: You can never lose an argument if you say “shut up nerd” at the end.

Icesheep: Yes you can.

Sparkspeckle: Shut up nerd.

-

Goldshine: In my defense, your honor, I simply do not care enough.

-

Nimblekit: Your honor, in my defense, who cares like omfgggggggg who cares????????? Like come onnn.

-

Skykit: Are you a girl or a boy?

Shadebreak: Uhh, well some people aren’t girls or boys!

Skykit: Wow, just like snails...

Shadebreak: ???

-

Straight Man: Hey

Titania: That’s enough.

-

Lilacpaw: I respect perfume commercials being like, we can’t show you a smell, mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds?

-

Shadekit: Hey we are all really small, do you wanna sleep in a pile.

Icekit, Stormkit and Sparkkit: Yes.

-

Blisswhistle: “Fuck it, we ball” (Malnourished, heavy eye bags, dehydrated, on the verge of insanity.)

-

Goldshine: Evil infodumping where you just tell lies.

Sparkspeckle: Tiktok

Icesheep: 5-minute crafts

Shadebreak: Resume

Stormwhisper: Men

-

Nimblekit: I fucking hate the hand that feeds me, I think i’ll do something fucked up to it.

-

Nimblekit: Sick injury bro, would be a shame if i added insult to it.

-

Pearlstar: I laugh at my own jokes because I am my target audience. Y’all just happen to be there fr.

-

Gravel: I wish they sold offbrand cars, get me a damn honder.

Firebeetle: Pulling up in the revolver.

-

Shadebreak: When two buses pass each other and the bus drivers don’t wave at each other, like omg... did you guys break up...

-

Blisswhistle: I can still crack a joke mid-breakdown, that’s why everyone is lucky to have me in their lives.

-

Gravel: They don’t kill the presidents like they used to.

-

Berrykit: The LMAO+ community.

Nimblekit: It’s LMFAO+ this is party rock erasure.

-

Sparkspeckle: It’s harder than you think to communicate with someone who isn’t familiar with the world of spongebob.

-

Goldshine: Pipe down your honor, you weren’t even there.

-

Goldshine: JFK?? Like from umbrella academy?? Haha... you know he’s not... real, right?

Stormwhisper: Wait, I though JFK was from clone high??

Sparkspeckle: JFK, as in Jesus Fucking Khrist, from the bible?

Icesheep: Isn’t JFK that fried chicken fast food chain.

Shadebreak: Guys cmon, it’s Jennedy Fennedy Kennedy, you gotta know this.

-

Goldshine: Mfs be named “James” and it only be one dude.

-

Nimblekit: Does violence have to be the last resort, can’t it be like third.

-

Lilacpaw: Free my man, he did all of it but I don’t care.

-

Pearlstar: Let me get this straight. Grabs the nearest heterosexual. Now, where were we. (He is holding nobody)

-

Blisswhistle: I’m so done with self care, it’s time for others harm.

-

Shadebreak: Fun fact. Shut the fuck-

-

Sparkspeckle: Nuh uh

Icesheep: FYM “NUH UH”???

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-⚡ anon

Genuinely made me laugh, I love these

[katsukismrs]

let you break my heart again.

warning: hurt ‘n no comfort, bakugou is emotionally unavailable </3, reader is heartbroken, depression signs (not eating enough).

a/n: i’m back :) inspired by let you break my heart again by laufey.

🎵Feeling kind of sick tonight. All I've had is coffee and leftover pie. It's no wonder why🎵

Who knew love could be so draining? it hurt. and it hurt so bad. especially when the person you loved wasn’t as emotionally available as you. it hurts, you need somebody to shield you from the storm of your own mind. you’re slipping further into the never ending void of your own mind, you’re not meeting your physical needs enough.

🎵Ooh, still you take up all my mind. I don't even think that you care like I do.🎵

Why do you love him so much? he never cares for anybody, he hardly cares for himself a lot of the time, why are you expecting a guy like that to love you? you’re so gullible to think that you have a chance with him, the katsuki bakugou! he’ll never have time for you.

🎵 I should stop, heaven knows I've tried🎵

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, they said. you had to learn the hard way, from whatever this was. you were a deer chasing a lion, even if you knew you’d be dead by the end of it.

🎵One day, I will stop falling in love with you🎵

A lie you keep telling yourself, or so it looks like. you don’t know whether you’ll get out this vicious cycle or not, it’s depressing; having to be in a situation like this. could you stop being so naïve?

🎵Some day, someone will like me like I like you.🎵

It hurts, but he might not be your true love, as much as you want him to be. Maybe your true love is out there having his heart broken, too. by someone they think is the right one. but you want him. and it hurts! love is so brutal, so brutal..

🎵Until then, I'll drink my coffee, eat my pie. Pretend that we are more than friends.🎵

Until then, you’ll live in your delusions, dreaming of living in a big city, in a luxurious house, having your children run around the house wreaking havoc. that’s the life you want, but will it be yours? you know your answer: a brief, brutally honest, disgusting no. you’ll never be his. get over it.

🎵Then of course I'll let you break my heart again.🎵

But until anything happens, you’ll let yourself run dry and be broken beyond repair, so maybe he can see you, love you. you’ll let yourself continue in this vicious cycle and keep getting tortured. it’s the best thing.. right?

🎵 I'm just tryna understand. What I am to you. More than songs we've exchanged. Midnight calls. Sunset views.🎵

You’re somewhat close to him, but all the connections you’ve had were through songs, or you’d call eachother because everyone is asleep, but he’d hang up a little over the 5 minute mark, since he needed his sleep. and he’d leave you stranded.

“The sunset looks nice.” he speaks to himself as he’s walking back to the dormitory.

“it is.” you spoke with a small smile.

that’s about 60% of your weekly or even monthly conversations together, you can’t even consider yourself a friend of his, you’re so stupid to have fallen in love with him.

🎵Promise I don't mean to cry. But I get overwhelmed and confused.🎵

Your day’s endings end in endless sobbing, that eventually lulls you to sleep, you want something other than the wetness of your pillow and the warmth of your blanket(s) to care for you. you want somebody, but you’re so distant now that nobody likes you.

🎵If only you knew what I felt like.🎵

You wish you could muster up the courage to tell hik your true feelings. i love you is a cursed three word sentence that dies at the tip of your tongue, and you can’t speak it out because you can’t feel it from him.

🎵One day, I will stop falling in love with you. Some day, someone will like me like I like you. Until then, I'll drink my coffee, eat my pie. Pretend that we are more than friends. Then of course I'll let you break my heart again🎵

It’s a cycle. it’s a loop. it’s never ending. someone needs to pull you out this torturous marathon that has no end, and no prize to win at the end, you’ll have to surrender and quit, you can’t win, you’ll never win.

🎵Some day, one day I will stop falling in love with you. Until I do, I'll be thinking of you. Let you break my heart again🎵

You have hope in yourself, though. that hasn’t dissipated, you hold the hope of escaping this endless loop, but until then you’ll nourish in the torture, trying to pick your broken pieces up like puzzle pieces, and trying to conceal your feelings, until the true one comes to you, naturally.

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 45

chapter 68:

1. “Some of those ashes could be Marlene.” bro wtf

2. listing out the names of the people who died in war destroyed me

3. james reacting to his father’s death by flinching away from effie had me broken. i’m destroyed. unwell

4. “The worst part is, when he says what he does next, it's not even a question. "After that, you're leaving."

Sirius' eyes flutter shut, and he croaks, "Yeah, Reggie, I'm leaving again."”

SCREAMING CRYING SOBBING IM UNWELL I WILL NEVER BE OKAY AGAIN!!! I WILL NEVER BE FINE AGAIN

5. “”Sirius, I love you more than anything. You're the first person in this world I ever loved at all. Not Mother, not Father, not James; it was you.”” STILL SCREAMING STILL CRYING STILL SOBBING STILL UNWELL

6. okay just all of the stuff with the black brothers has me in tears. their bond is unbreakable and my heart is in fact very breakable. i’m shattered over them

7. dorcas hasn’t left that spot in over twenty four hours and boy am i worried for her. she needs water. she needs to go pee, i’m sure. she needs to eat something and to rest

8. “Just not afraid to die, then?

No, I'm rather used to it, actually.”

STILL SCREAMING OVER MARLENE!!! STILL SOBBING ACTUALLY

9. “"You. Even you," Dorcas declares harshly, glaring at her. "I'd rather it be you. Instead of her, I'd rather you be dead."”

WOAH! hold up!!! i love marlene as much as the next gal, but nobody goes after my girl lily. she fought and fought and fought as well. she deserved to make it to this side of war too! she tried to keep marlene alive too. hold your horses dorcas.

10. 😧 did you just shoot my lily??? MY LILY??? holy fucking shit. she’s insane.

11. “Some of that blood must have been Marlene's. Dorcas wishes she had bathed in it; Dorcas wants to turn back time and drown in it.” 😟 i’m worried

12. “Never, through any of this, did [James] imagine losing his dad.” kill me. it would be more merciful than making me live after reading that

13. “Monty loved Sirius like a father did; Sirius is allowed to mourn him as a son would.” calling my freind again while sobbing brb

14. god I don’t know how to explain it, but every time pandora is mentioned and she’s alive i let out a huge sigh of relief

15. AROACE PANDORA SUPREMACY

16. i’m so horridly upset that lily lost almost everyone. she lost her family, she lost sybil, she lost kingsley, and dorcas tried to shoot her, so i’m pretty sure she lost her too. lily tried to not love anybody because she was scared of losing them, and sure enough, she was right

17. i get upset when everyone talks about going separate ways. i want everyone to live in one big town and live right next door to each other. i’m thinking hogwarts vibes (except better, ya know) or maybe the mansion they all lived in at the start of ahb!

18. as much as it upsets me that sirius is going to be leaving james and effie and regulus, i’m genuinely so happy that sirius is going to stay with remus

19. oh. i see why sirius has to leave. it’s best for everyone to heal a little before sirius sees his james and regulus again. because otherwise they won’t be able to heal

20. i love wolfstar, and this is so emotional but like, “Just—for right now, what I need is to be with you. I want—that's what I want.” all that does is remind me of high school musical with the “ALL I WANNA DOOOO IS BEE WITH YOU! ONLY YOU! NO MATTER WHERE LIFE TAKES US, NOTHING CAN BREAK US APAAAART, YOU KNOW ITS TRUE, I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOUUUU”

21. ““I wish I did love him that way," Regulus confesses, "because it would have been easier than this. It would have been easier to define how losing him feels, but it's not. James, it's not."”

god, i ache for him. like so badly. i so badly want him to have barty back. more than any other character. (sorry to marlene and monty and sybil and literally everyone else who died)

22. “It's still been three days since the end of the war, and Regulus wonders when they'll stop measuring the passage of time that way.” 😟

23. “Doomed to be a great, big tragedy.” *eye twitch* i’m fine. *even bigger eye twitch*

24. look, i know in the future, everyone will be together again and as happy as they can ever be. but rn, i’m sad

chapter 69:

1. “"I don't care!" Aberforth shouts. "I don't give a damn about your fucked up love story with our sister's murderer, Albus! The fact that you even came to love him to begin with sickens me, let alone that you continued to after he killed Ariana, and still do to this day!"” hell yeah put him in his place

2. “The dead sister card is a little underhanded, admittedly, but Aberforth knows a thing or two about manipulation tactics. He'd have to. Albus is his older brother, after all.” LMAOOOOOO

3. lily mentioning children and sirius and remus just locking eyes and panicking was so fucking funny. bro i’m wheezing

4. BRO AND THEN REGULUS BEING LIKE “you’ve??? never thought about kids??????? wtf??? me and james are having four you little loser??????”

5. dorcas just marching in has me so fucking scared ngl

6. oh god, dorcas became the president coin in this. she wants to make a new hunger games. oh god. oh no

7. as horrifying as it was to see sirius’ train of thought, him being the first one to say no is so fucking satisfying oh my god

8. good for remus fucking standing up for lily. everyone is blaming lily, and finally remus speaks up that the blame cannot rest on lily alone

9. 😧😧 not albus suggesting the jegulus wedding to help with the aftermath. bro he’s fucking insane. it’s so hallow-like of him to suggest that oh my god

10. oh my god dorcas has gone insane, is she about to tell everyone how albus was in love with grindlewald. that’s fucking insane oh my god i can’t wait

11. oh my god it’s even better. it’s that he came up with the rule for the quarterly quell. oh my god this is gonna be great

12. 😧 holy shit. sirius just killed albus. imma be so real, i expected one person to not leave that table, and i thought it would be dorcas, not albus. i thought she would be killed

13. minerva asking lily to be a medic and help save albus, and lily just not will forever be iconic to me

14. as a punishment they banned sirius from the hallow 😭😭😭 babes they knew they had to come up with some punishment as like a way to show actions have consequences, but they chose one that sirius would love 😭😭 that’s so funny to me bro

15. alberforth finally leaving his home is a very satisfying character arch

16. “this story is, first and foremost, about siblings—primarily sirius and regulus ofc—like that is the whole point of this fic, the core of it over anything else. and that feels right considering the source material, like in thg, it was always about katniss' love for prim and how important that was over peeta or gale or anyone else. and i just. i really adore that, and hope i paid a good homage to that, because i really admire it.”

you did. you did pay homage to that. it was abundantly clear that this was about siblings. and i love you for it. thank you, if you see this

alrighty six more chapters to go! i’m in the home stretch yall

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Caught In A Web ~ 27

CAUGHT IN A WEB MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 1,661ish

Summary: Natasha is fed up with everyone's bullshit. You get FRIDAY to spill some of the secrets.

Notes: This chapter is a little shorter than the last few, but that's fine. Let me know your thoughts!

“I’m over it! Now they want Wanda and Vision over in Malibu!” Natasha was shouting as she paced the common room. Wanda and Vision sat together on one couch while Bruce sat in a nearby chair. “This is idiotic! None of them know how to build a house, not even Tony! Besides, Tony is claiming it’s for Y/N, but the two haven’t spoken in weeks! Weeks!”

“Exactly 18 days,” Vision added.

“Not helping, dear,” Wanda told him softly, patting his arm.

“I’m going out there,” Natasha stated. “You all are staying here with Y/N because we can’t lose any more teammates to Tony’s craziness.”

“Are you sure that that’s a smart idea?” Asked Bruce. “Maybe we give them more time. They could be—“

“They’ve had enough time and have gotten completely nowhere. I’m taking a quinjet and leaving. Wanda’s in charge.” Natasha stormed out.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to be any of them when Natasha gets there.”

~~~

Natasha left without telling you, but you knew where she was heading. You could tell she was fed up with the men on the Team and was going to fix their mess. It was now late at night, and you were fed up with the secrets. You wanted to know what was actually going on in Malibu, so you went to Tony’s lab.

“FRIDAY?” You called, shutting the lab door and locking it.

“Yes, Miss L/N?” FRIDAY responded.

“I know that Tony is having you block me from the news and from what they are doing in Malibu, but I need to know. I need to know the news so I can begin to handle it and not be scared of it. I need to know what’s happening in Malibu. I need to know if Tony’s okay.”

FRIDAY took a moment to respond, almost like the AI had a choice of whether or not it listened to the orders given by Tony. You waited with bated breath, trying to keep your nervousness at bay.

“I have pulled up the file about the news outlets,” FRIDAY finally said as one of the hologram tables came to life. “Please let me know if you need any assistance.”

Slowly, you headed over to the table and sat down. You began to read through the headlines.

STARK DATING A CHILD

SUGAR DADDY STARK & SUGAR BABY L/N

STARK DATES A NOBODY

WHO IS Y/N L/N, AND HOW DID SHE LAND STARK?

IS Y/N L/N PREGNANT WITH TONY STARK’S CHILD?

You read a few of the articles and watched a few of the news clips. Tears ran down your cheeks as you took in the criticism and hatred, wishing that Tony was by your side. You understood why he protected you from this and were thankful for it. You wouldn’t have been able to handle it when the news broke out at first, but now you were putting the work into handling it better.

As you continued to scroll through, you realized it was going in chronological order. Suddenly you saw news articles and videos about Tony. The headlines had changed.

STARK IN LOVE

STARK STANDS UP FOR HIS GIRL

STARK REQUESTING PRIVACY AT THIS TIME

All the articles said the same thing, that Tony had made a statement about your relationship. You had no idea and began to read it.

As a public figure since birth, I understand that my life often becomes a point of intrigue and discussion. However, I believe certain aspects of my personal life should remain private out of respect for those involved. I am Tony Stark, and I do not need to explain myself to you, but I will explain anything needed to protect those I love.

Yes, it is true that I am in a relationship with Y/N L/N. Yes, she is younger than me, but that doesn’t matter. She is intelligent and kind and has brought immense joy into my life. I am deeply in love with her. She is my world, and I will do anything to protect her.

At this time, I am asking for your understanding and respect as we navigate our lives together. It is important to me to protect her from undue scrutiny and to allow our relationship to flourish away from the public eye. I will do what is necessary to stop the harmful opinions being thrown her way.

Tony Stark

You couldn’t help but cry harder. Tony stood up for you, telling the world he loved you. He was trying to make sure that you were safe from the public’s continuous comments. 

“FRIDAY, is Tony in Malibu?” You asked, hoping for an answer.

“Yes,” the AI responded.

“Can you prep a quinjet for me? I need a flight plan to Malibu, wherever Tony is… Please… I need to see him. I need to talk to him.”

“Miss—quinjet—15—Malibu—inform—Boss—“

“FRIDAY?” You stood up as FRIDAY cut in and out. The lights around the lab began flickering. “FRIDAY!” The lights completely cut out suddenly. You rushed to the lab doors to get out, but they wouldn’t unlock. “Help! Wanda! Vision! Bruce! Someone!”

The screens behind you came to life. Before you could even turn around, you could see the red light. Your heart was pounding against your chest as you slowly turned to face the screens. Air caught in your throat as the HYDRA symbol shone back at you, and a familiar, rough voice bounced through the room.

“Hail Hydra.”

~~~

“There’s a quinjet incoming,” Sam stated.

“It’s probably Wanda and Viz,” said Steve. “Tony wanted them here.”

“I don’t know why they haven’t been here the whole time. They could be doing all the heavy lifting.”

The quinjet landed, and the lamp lowered. All the men but Tony stopped to see who would walk down it. Natasha marched down the ramp, a determined look on her face.

“Shit,” Bucky muttered. “We’re all screwed.”

“You idiots!” Natasha shouted.

“Here we go,” Rhodey mumbled.

“You are not contractors or construction workers! You needed to talk Tony out of this, not help him build this!”

“Bucky started it,” Sam quickly blamed.

“Hey!” Bucky exclaimed. “I didn’t see any of you try to talk some sense into the man!”

“Because you had already got his sights on us building a house!”

“You didn’t—“

“Enough!” Natasha screamed. “I’m done with you all. Where is he?”

They all pointed towards the downstairs building site. They watched in complete silence as Natasha marched off. They waited until they couldn’t see or hear her anymore before anyone spoke up.

“She’s frightening,” Sam whispered.

“Just wait until Tony fights back,” Steve said.

~~~

Tony had his headphones blasting ACDC. He had dirty pants and a tank top on, which he had actually been wearing for a few times now. There were bottles of alcohol and coffee cups all over the sight since Tony was surviving off of liquids. 

Natasha was unimpressed as she felt thrown back in time to when Tony had destroyed his house while he was dying years earlier. She wasn’t in the mood for any of his antics, so she quickly pulled his headphones off and threw them to the side.

“What the— oh. It’s you,” Tony said, immediately getting back to work.

“Seriously? This is not okay, Tony. This is a new low.”

“I’m fine.”

“Bullshit.”

“Red—“

“Get your ass in the quinjet.”

“You’re not my mom.”

“You’re right, but I have a pretty good guess on how disappointed she’d be right now.” Tony clenched his jaw, remaining silent. “Okay, I’ll admit that that was low, but it needed to be said.” She sighed. “You need to come home.”

“I’m building a home.”

“You’re building a home that you think Y/N will like. You have no idea. You need her opinion on things. What if she hates it?” Tony stopped his movements. Natasha took it as a sign to move closer, coming around to meet face to face. “I know that you are doing this all for her, but you’re doing this the wrong way.”

“I just want her to feel safe…”

“I know, and I get it. But it’s time to come home. You and Y/N need to talk about everything—including this house. We also don’t want it to get out that the Avengers have started a construction company. The calls would never cease.”

Tony let out a breathy chuckle. “Yeah, guess you’re right.”

“One day, you’ll realize I always am.”

“Tony! Natasha!” Steve came running to them, yelling. “We have a problem!”

“What’s going on?”

“T’Challa just called. Something happened, and Rumlow escaped. We can’t get a hold of anyone at the Compound, and FRIDAY is down.”

“Impossible,” Tony said, rushing to his nearest suit. It refused to respond. “Come on!” He tried to get the suit to open, continuing to fail. “Come on!”

“Are the quinjets working?” Natasha asked Steve.

“That’s what Sam, Bucky, and Rhodey are working on right now,” he responded.

“We have to get to the Compound,” Tony said. “I have to get there… Y/N’s there.” His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest as the panic set in. “I’m not there… I’m not there… I’m failing her again… I’ve got—I need—Y/N—” His breaths were uneven, and his head began spinning. It took only seconds for him to be on the ground, panicking.

“Tony!” Both Natasha and Steve exclaimed. They rushed to his side just before he passed out.

Steve was quick to scoop Tony up and began to rush to one of the quinjets.

“Sam got one working!” Bucky shouted. He noticed Tony in Steve’s arms. “What the hell happened?”

“We need to go,” Natasha stated as they headed for the working quinjet. “Rhodey! Sam! We need a medkit out and IVs. I’ll fly.”

Everyone worked quickly as Natasha got the quinjet off the ground and headed for the Compound.

next chapter >

[theguytoendallguys]

Alright. I have some things to say about the demeaning of Ricky Potts, both within the canon and the Ride The Cyclone fandom, because the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off.

First, I would just like to say, I am not physically or verbally disabled, and I am not trying to speak for or take away from the lived experiences of disabled people. Feel free to correct me if I say something accidentally ableist during this rant, as I wish to be as respectful as possible when tackling this issue. Second, there will be a lot of discussions of ableism, and several mentions of sexual scenes/scenes where sex is discussed, so if any of that triggers you, I suggest you click off this post or scroll past it.

That being said, let’s talk about the demeaning of Ricky Potts in canon first. There are a lot of scenes where Ricky is actively demeaned, usually by Ocean. (i.e. Ocean calling him “sweetie” or other typical pet names, which is very gross considering they are not canonically dating, or even implied to be, hell, Ocean actively says at the end of the musical she never got to know anybody in the choir on a personal level, not even Constance, her “best friend”.)

One of the instances that most pisses me off is when, during/after “every story’s got a lesson”, When Ocean says that porno has no lesson, Ricky is able to speak up and express his opinions on this subject, contradicting Ocean’s own. Ocean responds to this by completely dismissing everything Ricky said and blaming Constance for what Ocean is implied to perceive as “ruining Ricky’s innocence”. (Quote: “now you’ve got sweet old Ricky Potts saying that porno is magical!”) There are many other instances of Ocean acting demeaning towards Ricky, but this is what is in my opinion the worst and most infuriating one.

Now, I’m not saying that you’re ableist if you like Ocean, or that you shouldn’t like Ocean. I like Ocean, I think she’s a fun character. This, however, does not change the fact that a lot of her actions and comments do read as ableist (because they are) and that she is the main canon source of ableism towards Ricky. Again, I’m not saying that you can’t like Ocean, but her ableism does need to be acknowledged by the fandom, and I wish it could be acknowledged in canon, and maybe in future productions it could be, depending on the director.

Now, let’s talk about the ableism in the RTC community, shall we? Before I continue, I would like to clarify that I’m not trying to call anyone ableist or say that they’re a terrible person because of the things I’m about to state, this is not my intention. I merely want to shed light on why certain things in the community come off as ableist. Specifically, the fandom consensus on SABM.

Generally, majority of the fandom, from what I’ve seen, usually treat SABM as a gross song about a horny teenager. Now, it’s understandable for adults to be uncomfortable with teen horniness, however, what bothers me is a) that completely ignores any and all of the deeper text and/or subtext contained within the song, and b) Noel’s lament, is, too, a horny song, the same length, and nobody seems to shit on Noel for it, like, at all. I have seen so much hate for Ricky because of SABM, but none towards Noel because of Noel’s lament. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been in the fandom long enough, but it still seems weird and biased towards Noel. There is a lot in SABM that goes ignored by most of the fandom, (i.e. the fact that Ricky was so neglected he had to create an entire fake universe of alien cat people just so he could feel wanted by anyone, the underlying themes of love and war that Ricky has created for this fake universe, etc.). The point of SABM is to show that Ricky is not a baby, but rather a normal teenager, and that he is so much more than just his disability, which not many people in the fandom seem to recognize. Ironically, the one time he’s able to canonically speak without being silenced (SABM) is one of the most hated on and neglected things in the fandom.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[vengefulvermin]

Can i get more passage of time/music development yapping ☹️☹️☹️??? I give you official permission to yap the most you can im so interested

YES YES YES YES YES I LOVE THIS ASK

warning beneath the cut SCARY WALL OF TEXT WARNING 😱

decided to divide it into colored parts if you dont gaf about certain elements 😭

second warning all of this is unedited rambling so some points might contradict each other or just plain not make sense.

okay so for CONTEXTTTTT

i have diagnosed OCD, and like, roughly since the end of last year and the beginning of this one, the 'obsession' part of OCD that was negatively affecting me, was the concept of time. how fleeting it was. how it's basically unescapable ALL THINGS MUST PASS (get out of my head george harrison) that shit proper cold dead SCARED ME MAN. sleepless & haunting me in my dreams type shi. sometimes it still does. i try not to think about it too much

to cope, i found great comfort in the 70s-80s since at the time i was and still am hyperfixated on david bowie and that was sort of his prime (love his 90s-00s work tho.) i was also starting to think of how much parallels and similar experiences i have to previous generations and how it's not ALL that bad after all so far. i can still walk to a record store and roller skate if i really wanted to, or go to a diner.

okey here's where the life changing stuff happens. i decided i'd listen to pink floyd's the dark side of the moon. then TIME CAME ON. ohhhh god oh gosh golly god i was bawling and everything the whole song spoke to me on a molecular level. then i found out about DB's song also called time, and i ALSO crode to that. i was like. wow. i'm not alone on this feeling of utter desperation and helplessness as eventually all things Must Pass. (GEORGE HARRSION GTFO)

i used to be bitchy on how i whined i was part of the 'wrong generation.' i thought i was alone, but virtually everyone of almost every era has thought this. somebody who lived my dream life wished they had what i have now.

that's when i started to lowkey realize the parallels and oneness of human experience. i could go to a club in the 70s, and (granted the infrastructure and music remains similar) i could today. nothing would change on how i perceive events. there is no color filter on the past. unless you got huge TVs and stuff all over your house, you could walk around, and think it's the 80s. AND IT'S BASICALLY THE 80s. the way your parents or any other gen Xer saw the world with their *eyes* (not counting the changes in buildings and stuff) is the same as you today pretty much.

i already really enjoy subcultures, and particularly how they evolve and adapt. the indomitable human spirit prevails no matter how gentrified or 'banned' things become. nowadays i feel like there is No Youth Subcultures. at least, none that will pass the test of time and be memorable enough to be remembered in the books. nobody's gonna go to their child and proudly say: "when i was your age, i was a chav" or something. and i credit this to the lack of creativity allowed in the wider music industry.

HEAR ME OUT this is because 90% of youth subcultures had everything to do with music. and now, everything must be palatable. to be clear there's nothing inherently wrong with that type of music, but to me it speaks no soul. it has no risks. contemporary pop music is very much formulaic and this is because now more than ever entertainment (this also applies to movies btw) is more of an investment than passion. I WILL SPECIFY.

music production is so vastly different genre to genre, and we're not letting it flourish because of how much short form content is valued nowadays. LET ME COOK.

tiktoks are formulaic. algorithms are formulaic. WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. there must be an instant hook or rift in music if you want to 'go viral' as a musician. digitized fame doesn't mean SHIT (to me), since clearly monthly listeners don't equate real world fans. album sales are being replaced with streams, and because of how ASS spotify treats its artists, newer, less established acts need to GET ON THE GRIND INSTANTLY to earn Coin. that means that to be smart and work with the exploitative system they're given, they have to make albums filled with 1 minute 30 second songs. so you can technically give them the most amount of streams possible. i feel with this formulaic approach, you can't get 6 minute long gutwrenching guitar pieces. no more 4 minute drum solos, hell avant garde experimental works were 2 people shout their names out at each other for 20 minutes. THERE ARE NO MORE FRANK ZAPPAS.

i'm not going to be one of those sad assholes who claim there's 'no more good rock music' and how it'll never be the same. as corny as this is, the next beatles or nirvana could be right under our noses and we'll NEVER know because of how fame is distributed. it sucks to see a small band beg on tiktok for streams to kickstart their career. but this is what we gotta work with. if we want subcultures to be created and thrive, we gotta go looking underground again, except unlike in the past it's a kajillion times easier now AND everything gets gentrified in 2 tiktok weeks. but this is evolution. MUSIC EVOLUTION

the end honk shoo honk shoo (it's midnight)