#i wish i could delete myself
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wears off in a month or so
#a doodley#talkys#as soon as i saved a single screenshot of silco from twitter it was over for me#it rly is mainly that and the ''gets overwhelmed seeing or thinking abt them and has to physically get that out somehow#or put pressure on the face or cover the eyes in shame etc''#i just added the 3rd bc just the 2 seemed so lonely#today i had to slam pause on that scene where silco lights the cigar in his mouth because i got so (embarrassed?) and hide in my hands#for a bit i rly dont know what this is#i still have my ken folder i have to delete it bc its never going to have that insane intensity again ykwim#like i dont think ill draw him again#so sad that silco is fated to this too...i wish i could actually hold onto stuff like this instead of burning through the Big Feelings#really really quickly#this is why im an oc and Drawings of Myself artist lmaooo i wish i could do fandom/fanart stuff beyond just Here's a Portrait/Bust/#Character Standing There/(god forbid) Selfship#tho tbf thats all i draw of my ocs too...#alas!
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gals & colors..
#spider man: across the spider verse#spider punk#spider noir#hobie brown#noirpunk#spiderdykes#hair directly inspired by @hilode2 on twitter (found em on pinterest lol)#just looks so much more like hobie. fuckin jealous#pretend like i know how to draw kissing#i just think theyr neat#every single flavor of noirpunk i draw is trans btw. all of them#i love trans people……..#also ace. that too#every day i think im getting closer to drawing hobie right#every day i stray further from god#its ok hobie would be proud of me for trying. probably. maybe#great now im doubting myself#yall dont know how many posts i wish i could delete lol#mmmmanyway#enjoy spider girlfriends
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is love even real outside of fictional codependent incestuous brothers
#im pondering#been talking to this guy i hooked up with like twice and i wish i could Feel something#bud sadly if the feeling isnt big enough to make me wanna vomit it out i cant allow myself to feel it at all does that make sense#wincest#<< jokes ik their love is unmatched (thankfully)#wouldnt want to feel that insane about anyone irl#but. thoughts#its also 6 am here and i cant sleep#this is me sleep rambling#to be deleted later probably !!
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hi friends hi teo nation i come to you with tail between my legs i am unfortunately still alive
#i wish i could kill myself by the end of the year but the logistics are wayyy off so i’ll be a pest for a while i guess#I would be lying if i said i missed tumblr i really didn’t but yk me i have to change one social media with another so drumroll please#i’ve been posting my moodboards on tiktok literally for me myself and I. Fun activity my pinterest is already gorgeous i was like well might#as well. So yeah whatever i have an oooold queue paused i might restart it again but yeah other than that. Hope everyone is doing well 🫶🏻💞 i#am definitely not but even after i said everyone irl i feel worthless people are like Oh you crazy girl like don’t u get it i am one bad day#from ya knooooow. omfg okay you see this is why i deleted tumblr like actually writing my thoughts like no one cares miss literally no one#you are 26 get a grip etc etc. I should probably answer some asks#tt
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ha imagine sending me anon hate and i’m just here unboxing my new galinda funko pop 🫧
#hate asks will be blocked and deleted#i’ve barely been online like hello???#also telling me you wish i would have seriously hurt myself when i fell#um that’s not cool#because i actually could have#anyway my funko pop is adorable 🩷#delete later probs
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I need to make one thing clear and I know this post won't change anything but I still feel the need to clarify
I won't ever reply to asks about donations (unless they come from my friends or people I know).
In this site you can never be sure if they're bots or real people, and that breaks my heart, but even then, as a rule, I will just delete the ask.
#i've gotten a couple of asks lately asking for donations to help palestinian families#and it breaks my heart#but i also know there are A LOT of bots and assholes taking advantage of this whole situation#and a lot of those assholes take the money to help murder innocent people as well#and as much as i wish things were different right now#but i'm not in a position to help anyone#and the thought that perhaps i could potentially fall for a scam and end up hurting people? that would kill me (quite literally)#so just know that there are ways to get help out there and there are people in better positions than myself that CAN and WILL help#but please don't waste time in my ask box because the messages will be deleted unread#i'm so sorry#angel talks#personal#ask
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Okay Here Is The Problem: everything costs money and yet money is something that i just literally never have. solution? kill the idea of money so that nothing costs anything Please. i'm so tired
#despite making more money w/ my commissions than ever before this year#i am still. not able to save up literally even one (1) single penny of it bc of bills#i have to make like 600 every month just to break even at like 5 dollars in my acct#please i am so fucking tired#i want to get myself things and do shit#i want to buy things for archie and jack's dog and for the house so that things are better for all of us#i want to be able to afford snacks more than once every three months like if i maybe want a bag of chips#instead of saving up for three months and going 'yeah okay 5 dollars for a normal sized bag of chips is finally worth it' ?????????????????#why the fuck are chips so expensive that is potatoes and spices and like all of it is automated hello?? what are we fucking paying for?????#ANYWAYS.#i am just fucking. Tired#due to recent events I was like#'okay how much are dog treadmills.... oh. i see. i will never be able to afford that even after three years saving. got it'#there are five hundred fundraisers on my dash (BARELY hyperbole) every single day and everybody needs help#so i COMPLETELY get people not having a ton of disposable funds this isn't me complaining about that i'm just.#i wish that i sometimes had money so that i could MAYBE save anything up or y'know. have ANYTHING to show for it#bc right now i am working full time at this job (commission/freelance artist and adopt maker etc) and making like maybe 4 dollars an hour#which is great bc when i started i was only getting about $0.11 an hour but like. that's still not. Good. For all the time i put into it#but due to circumstances and situations this is about all i'm physically and mentally able to do here and i LIKE doing commission but it's#not really. getting me anywhere and i just want to afford things finally.#i'm 27 and everything i own fits in one room and almost all of it was gifted to me for free bc i couldn't afford to get it on my own#delete later i'm just so tired man
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đź‘Ť
#i went to sleep at 3am and its 6am now bc i criedmyself to sleep 👍👍#sorry to ventdump my annoying insecurities again#i cant bring myself to do something i really want anymore#been having these thoughts since last year but this year its a lot more apparent#ideas are not scarce but the motivation/time to execute them are#i wish i could take an indefinite break on taking commissions bc by the time im finished with all of them im too burnt out/1#to draw for my blog and by the time it passes my motivation for these ideas also vanishes/2#I cant actually stop now bc im still an unpaid internee working for experience+portfolio so I need the money#I feel like shit whenever i can't get art done at the appropriate timing (ex: thematic holiday/character bday/event etc)#everything passes too fast and its already too late and the hype dies#its so hard to stay relevant and charismatic enough#Looking back I can't say im 100% satisfied with ANY art i posted this year#“was it worthy? is it still relevant? did I waste my time doing this?”#im too overly emotional over this (unfortunately) popular fictional lion beastman#“I want to yume/draw him more often/talk more about him!”#why? hes already popular enough. He has louder and more popular users who do that for him. nobody would care if it's you.#you'd get a swarm of hate. nobody would send you nice asks about it.#you don't get nearly half of the asks you used to receive back then. people just aren't interested in you anymore.#maybe you should delete your blog and start drawing trendy doodles of whatever is being hyped up at the moment.#.#if I can't execute original ideas what's the point of it?#I hate HATE having to do trendy art of whatever unfunny meme is being hyped up at the moment#but sometimes its necessary for the algorithm to boost you and to get some actual crumbs of engagement and new followers#what else can I do? being interesting on your own or having an interesting oc is no easy feat. I envy those who manage.
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Heh, my special talent is pissing people off on Facebook apparently. I wish I could EMBRACE this....instead of what I usually do........
#facebook sucks#I protested against AI art filling up everyone's feeds#because it's true! it does and INhate it#I have a right to express myself but....#too many boomers on my friends list either don't care or think im juyst being a bitch#anti ai#ai bullshit#i dirty deleted the post#im a chicken when i wish i could be a bully
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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Money for concerts but not for your tits? You make me laugh.
1) my boyfriend booked it
2) trans people needing gender affirming surgeries can also treat themselves to other things, this is not a hard concept to grasp unless you’re just that fucking stupid. just the same as people struggling with money deserve to spend some on themselves too, you’re just a cunt if you think the only money anyone should spend is on necessities or medical expenses. even if i had booked it, it’s none of your fucking business
3) go fuck yourself and take everyone else in my inbox with you, you transphobic piece of shit. your mum should have fucking swallowed
4) https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/quills-top-surgery
#the same few canyonites are clearly targeting my inbox#anytime i post i get fresh waves of asks#and turning anon off doesn’t work bc they just make burner blogs i keep blocking#i bought ice cream for myself today guess i deserve to keep my breasts forever#didn’t know sorry doc#anyway wish i could say this didn’t get to me but you know what?#it’s actually really difficult to deal with#and if i delete my blog they win so i refuse#✌️#message in a bottle#anonymous
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SPERG YOUR HEART OUT
#EVERYONE#NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#& FOREVER#i love it when my friends &/or mutuals post about their interest & Passions i will like your posts but really i Loved them.#i deleted some tags because they might be interpreted as weird(er than usual) but 0_0 i am ♯Passionate about ♯Passion (for fashion - Bratz)#still kind of feel like a worthless human being but i secured another hangout in like a week so yayyy ^_^#I GET TO BOTHER SOMEONE TOO NOW i just wish people did that to me too why am i like always the one raving#literally have to beg my friend to give me updates on her things even if i normally hate it even i go out of my way to look for things#for us to discuss -_- GIRL please i am for real not just faking for politeness who do you think i am I WANT TO KNOW#so effin excited OMG i have like so much to say & the greatest thing is that this girl has no knowledge at all about my Thing#so i can explain from the very beginning You literally have no idea how much i practiced the conversation in my head#ever since she told me & she said she wanted me to go on & talk about it more i have been Devising My Plan#OMG YAYYYY ^_^_^_^_^_^ AIMU SO HEPI AAARRRGHHHHHGSJDJSHSJDHSHSG#& OFC i had to plug it in the first time i met her in person i just could not help myself there was an NF on that day & i told her i wanted#to catch it i had to go in the end for a different reason & BTW it was such a whiplash the show itself was so fun but the winner... 0_0 NO.#next i will ask her about berserk & maybe even read it so we can talk about it because she really likes it#i dropped it when i was 14 because the laptop i was using to read it was complete crap Just like mine is RN#like a section of my keyboard is completely dead T_T so i have to use the on-screen one...
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#I feel like I'm bothering ppl with my bullshit and i can't shake the feeling that everyone is fed up with me#I wish i could go live in a cave by myself sometimes#.....(let it be the 10k gods cave at least T.T)......#no but for every hour of intense serotonin i get from things i love...I feel like a worthless trash the next few hours#Almost like i don't deserve it because even saying HELLO sometimes makes me feel like a bother#and that's to ppl /I/ consider friends#ive lost the ability to even realize who considers me a 'friend back'#not that i have anything to offer#plus i have to do some shit at work that i dont like#and it's taking a bigger toll on my brain than i thoguht it would#but its fineeeee cause I have the ability to bury myself in the things I adore to stop even the slighest real world thought from occuring#hyperfixations ftw#'cept SOMEtimes like now when im overwhelmed that i feel like i dont do them justice#I'll delete this later I'm just.. Tired..#Ishidarambles#Personal shit#ranting in the tags like an OG tumblr user
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I’ve been seeing a lot of discussions/discourse on tumblr and twitter surrounding kamala/voting for kamala so I want to put my two cents in as someone who will have no actual influence towards the outcome of the election
(important parts with be in bold)
Let’s look at the hypothetical that trump wins because the vote was split or people simply just refused to and kamala didn’t gain enough votes to win.
In the scenario, I want every person who decided it would be better not to vote or vote for a random third party candidate who has no shot at winning who only comes up during election years to say all of the “not like the other guys” talking points to explain to not just me but every queer, trans, disabled, non white, AFAB person who is now at severe risk why you chose to not vote to help them have rights. I want to see your explanations if trump wins. you also cannot use Palestinians suffering to make yourself seem better than you actually are
My point is that if trump wins because your delusions lead you to believe that you can single handedly change the way elections work in this country by “sticking it to the dems” and trump wins and we become a facist state, I want to hear what you have to say when we all start loosing rights and palestine gets wiped off the map
“Well we won’t let that happen” Good fucking luck. In project 2025 im pretty sure there is a section about how we basically won’t be able to protest anything anymore, not only that im also pretty sure trump has talked about deporting pro palestine protesters specifically!
You cannot be a single issue voter in this election and in many elections to come. Change doesn’t happen overnight and you need to wake up and realize that kamala will be the start of actually getting more progressive candidates and policies even if it’s not enough right now at this very moment. We all have to actually start putting in the effort instead of sitting around on our asses complaining
If we get kamala in, we won’t have to worry about our country becoming a facist state therefore we can worry more about palestine and putting more pressure on the dems than there already is. That should be a no brainer to some of you
This post isn’t praising kamala or trying to idolize her in anyway, always be critical of politicians. This post is more of a message to the preformative leftists on tumblr and twitter who have zero knowledge on how the US government works.
It’s kamala or trump this november. We cannot change that less than 100 days away from election day
Should I repeat myself? I hope you can understand that.
I’m not trying to bash anyone for continuing to put pressure on kamala and the dems for being complicit in bombing children. That’s not who my post is about like I already said
I think that all the protests outside of the DNC are especially important because it shows we have not forgotten and will continue to put pressure on the dems to do the right thing for once
but like I already said, it’s kamala or trump. Third party candidates are either grifters who only are there to get money and trick gullible leftists or candidates who have never been in any lower level political positions who think they can automatically garner a shit ton of support to win when they can’t. Your other option is to not vote which is arguably worse
I’m not trying to be the one to change anyones mind but I hope this post can help you reconsider your options and start facing the reality of this election
You have an important choice to make this november. I hope you can make the right one
edit: im not trying to beg anyone to vote for kamala or make anyone who is against her because of her handling of Palestine vote for kamala, especially if you are Palestinian yourself. Im not trying to make anyone feel bad about it either. Thats not the point of this post. The point is that change needs to happen now and this election is a perfect start to do so. We cannot have good change under a second trump term. I know im just repeating myself at this point but I want to put this out there incase I come off wrong or offensive. Also, I dont like the dems at all. I dont align with their party but you shouldnt even care abt what party I align with most. Im not a pro activist whose been in the game for 10+ years, im just a trans boy who has essentially been forced to pay attention to the shit going on in the country because of who I am even though it shouldn't concern me nearly as much as it does.
second edit: check out this tiktok and this persons other tiktoks abt palestine and kamala
#Also i’m a queer neurodivergent minor I literally cannot do much outside of spreading awareness#please vote#go vote#kamala harris#tim walz#2024 elections#i’ll delete this if this becomes super controversial#Like can we please please just be organized for once and put on our thinking caps just this once#Also if you just want to argue with me or anyone else or you want to try to paint me as pro isreal im blocking you. Im not and never will b#and it personally offends me that you would assume so because im simply trying to be logical about the upcoming election. Even if it sucks#for me to do so since the dems continue to do so little for Palestine and it hurts my heart to see them suffering and I wish we could all#just vote third party but we cant until we get rid of the electoral collage and implement ranked choice voting#this also goes for centrist dems who just wanna hate on protesters and say nasty ass shit to them im blocking yall as well#I wasnt even going to get into this myself but im admittedly scared. Ik kamala has a good shot but I dont want a repeat of 2016#Turning reblogs off for a bit sorry im being paranoid
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I mean this in the nicest way possible: I wish I was a better friend.
#delete later#I know I’m not a good friend#but i think it’s trauma related#and I know that’s not an excuse#but a reason#and I’m just… also tired of people leaving me#I don’t strike up conversations anymore cause I was the friend who always did so#I was always the one making the effort to be in other peoples lives#and it sucks. ya know.#and sometimes I say dumb things that then like….. makes people not want to be around me I fear#and like…. yeah…. that’s part of life#but I’m just so tired of being alone#I want friends. I want people to send post cards and letters too#and I wanna hang out with people#and I want them to tell me things I want them to tell me how they are feeling#like. online friends are great!!#don’t get me wrong!!#but I know I’m not a great online friend either.#and when I try to be I fear I come off as flirting. like sometimes I am. don’t get me wrong#but I wish I could just… go to a friends house and sit with them and hold their hand when they are having a bad day and have the same done#for me!!!#I am always giving…. I am always giving parts of myself to people who don’t give themselves back#I still know my ex-best friends favorite color but I doubt she knows what mine was when we where friends#if you read this far just…. ignore it oof.#it’s just a rant#sometimes I rant in a tumblr post cause reading rants back in old journals is. bad. for my mental health#my adhd just picks the emotions right back up and then I go through it again. so it’s best to tumblr rant#I’ve also been having complicated gender emotions again#I don’t hate the idea of being a woman/girl as much as I used to. and it’s throwing me off a bit#I mean it’s right on time really… I have a gender crisis almost every four years…
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i keep fucking having these moments of "Damn I am really fucked up..." and not gonna lie guys it's starting to get to me frfr.
#it's the constant 'no that's not a normal thing kids did. ytou shouldnt have been doing that when ou were a kid marq'#it's the constant reassuring myself that im a good person despite where i come from and who i used to be#it's the way i have had actual real fucking trauma that i downplay because '*shrug* what are you gonna do'#like NO marq it is supremely fucked up you lost three people who were important to you over a course of six months#it is supremely fuked up that msot of your family didnt show up to your wedding#it is supremely fucked up that you weren't even married for a full year yet before your mom died#it is supremely fucked up you didnt spend christmas with your mom that year and you are living witht hat guilt#it is supremely fucked up that you had to walk through the remnants of the burned building where your mom died#to sift through all the burnt sit to find just ONE thing that could be saved so you could have something of hers#you are a severely fucked up person marq#none of this is ok!#i wish i could make it be ok#there's so much love#but so much other shit in me#id ont know how to keep dealing with this.#delete later
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