#plus i have to do some shit at work that i dont like
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#I feel like I'm bothering ppl with my bullshit and i can't shake the feeling that everyone is fed up with me#I wish i could go live in a cave by myself sometimes#.....(let it be the 10k gods cave at least T.T)......#no but for every hour of intense serotonin i get from things i love...I feel like a worthless trash the next few hours#Almost like i don't deserve it because even saying HELLO sometimes makes me feel like a bother#and that's to ppl /I/ consider friends#ive lost the ability to even realize who considers me a 'friend back'#not that i have anything to offer#plus i have to do some shit at work that i dont like#and it's taking a bigger toll on my brain than i thoguht it would#but its fineeeee cause I have the ability to bury myself in the things I adore to stop even the slighest real world thought from occuring#hyperfixations ftw#'cept SOMEtimes like now when im overwhelmed that i feel like i dont do them justice#I'll delete this later I'm just.. Tired..#Ishidarambles#Personal shit#ranting in the tags like an OG tumblr user
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"I had to know if I imagined things. And then I found your arrest records, you were just a kid…but the picture matched."
"Who...whose records did you find?"
Wanted to fill out a more detailed stat template and got carried away. The discord had a fun mugshot drawing prompt and it inspired me
#this took FOREVER and im totally procrastinating important shit to work on it but i had fun so its fine its totally fine#this was really fun#sorry corey for putting you through the torment nexus every time im stressed#another comparison of rebirth vs retri stats#this quote has been haunting me since I saw the mugshot drawing prompt#cuz COREY has never been arrested#theyre too paranoid and cautious for that#but they DO have a mugshot canonically#they dont look young enough in the photo imo but sidestep is supposed to look older than they really are so whatever#it was fun making these stat sheets look like some kind of weird file type the farm would use#corey would probably never have the guts to actually try to hack the farm and its probably impossible. but#whats the fun in having a tech step if you dont let them show off every now and then#plus it made for a neat retri stat sheet concept#corey rook#fallen hero#my art#oc lore#sidestep#fallen hero rebirth#fallen hero retribution#cw blood
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ohhhh my fucking god nobody needs to like know any of this medical tmi but it is literally 11 pm and if im kept up one minute longer when i just laid down trying to go to sleep by my mother YELLING REPEATEDLY that she needs to pee. im going to actually go insane. she got a catheter in. Yesterday. it is working. she won't listen to anyone when they tell her that this is the case. help me jesus. im sure if a nurse comes to check on her tomorrow they'll probably get the same response. my brain will simply explode
#crow.txt#the absolute levels of stress im under could create diamonds out of free floating carbon atoms my fucking god#can i have. Literally just one day of peace. just one!! fuck!!!!#at least now i have SOME validation from everyone else of shit that mom has honestly kinda always done#be absolutely furious and bitchy usually for no good goddamn reason and then immediately turn it off to look good in front of someone else#i had a feeling mom coming home was gonna be utterly miserable sooner rather than later#i literally cannot leave my room without her yelling for dad bc she thinks im him i guess. she has gotten him up like 4 times now#what the fuck do you want any of us to doooooooooooo. according to dad shes also just been really fucking hateful today#including to her SISTER who has been facilitating literally everything medically for her for the last month plus#like on one hand i know its hard and frustrating etc etc absolutely. on the other. what the fuck are you yelling at any of us for!#whatd we do! not a damn thing for the most part! holy shit im exhausted#and then im sure she will have the audacity to wonder why i dont really want to interact with her much rn#its very apparent she doesnt really understand whats going on or how much of anything works at this point including hospice care#but i truly cannot help you when your knee jerk response is to yell and be abusive. like. dads not been great either#bc hes also one to bitch and moan and yell abt shit. but like. so is mom. more than usual#and ill actually be damned if i let her treat me like that honestly ever again. like idk for once i can just#walk away from this behavior with zero consequences. i dont have to take it anymore. im not free but at least im fuckin closer than i was#guess my aunt wasnt kidding when she said her being coherent and rational last week might be the calm before the storm
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you ever be talking to yourself and over explain shit while youre ranting even though youre literally talking to yourself and already understand the concept and point of what youre trying to say because youre talking to your-fucking-self but you continue to over explain anyway because you feel the need to even though you Know you dont have to whatsoever ?
yeah so the doctors said i dont have adhd or autism . shrug
#this is just one thing . dont diagnose urself over one thing#but this is one thing of many for me#and my selective mutism prevents me from feeling like my test results were accurate#since the autism test didnt accommodate it at all#and the adhd was basically just a fucking reaction and impulsivity test . no questions or nothing#fuckin test u could do online on goddamn human benchmark#plus an iq test ? or a pattern recognition test#like they literally asked zero questions bc thats the nonverbal test they had#woo selective mutism !!!!!!!! hooray !!!!!! (dw im working on dealing with it now :3 so hopefully after that i can do some retesting)#anyway i like listening to this one yt video of like . hours of ‘pink noise for autism’#i should listen to it more . it like …. turns off excess noise n thoughts . im sure the ‘for autism’ part doesnt apply for me tho ! haha !#idk what normal pink noise sounds like but this one is good :)#instead of getting a diagnosis ig i’ll just tear up while randomly thinking about the adventure zone . idk Shrug#and occasionally find myself randomly walking on my tippy toes for literally no reason#like other times i walk normally but Sometimes . Sometimes i go on my toes without realizing#there are many such oddities in my life i suppose#some of which Could just be my uber anxiety#but i wouldnt be so sure . idk anxiety and autism n shit can look similar n its annoying LOL#anyway rant over i dont fweakin know#autism#neurodiversity#thats all i have the balls to tag this with ok bye#kristiliyaps
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i am a metronome of 'this problem is easily solvable if you talk to a certain person in your life and it'll only get worse if you leave it be, calm down and bite the bullet' and 'you've already left it a long time and asking for help even from loved ones is really really hard so actually cry in a ball'
we must destroy the grey head jelly for being the most inconsistent and rude bastard in the world
#its not even that serious its just paying for school stuff but. ough.#i have big issues about feeling 'worth it' to my family so any time i have to approach my mom and ask her to fork up money that my loans#dont cover i feel like Dog Shit. like she always finds it#and she doesnt mind it. and has stressed in the past that its fine and she isnt mad and she just wants me to tell her#but im Bad At Things so i always end up waiting and feeling like Shit#oughhhh#plus i dont wanna do it over the phone but also cant get home to do it in person without her help either#and i always feel like im ruining her day and oughhh#it is not good. 0 stars. ill probably talk to her about it tomorrow because yeah but#good GOD#so yeah im gonna work on getting employment not even for a sense of freedom but just so i dont feel gross all the time#like even if i make 1k a month living at home over the summer. thats pretty much enough to cover what my loans and scholarships dont#literally thats not even enough for taxes to be involved or whatever#anyway. the human spirit is indominable#i had a little cry over it all and im feeling better#im gonna draw some hot man legs. and get ready for dnd tomorrow#and its gonna be fine. i know it will#the plot twist is i went into psychology to help OTHERS but in reality im learning how to help ME
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Do you think they neuter mutants at the facility
you sent this ask to the wrong blog ❤️ the pafl confessions blog is here ❤️live laugh love
#ask#in short: no. in more length:#i think itd be too much work for the facility. too expensive too#plus i think they prevent any possible.. sexes..? not telling the mutants about sex at all#no sex education or the bare minimum of it#why waste budget on that ya know?#maybe if theyve got like. a sex mutation???? idk what that would be like. well i do but i dont wanna talk about that#and most of the mutants are kids. some Are adults but the mast vajority are kids#but if some mutant does get pregnant. well. i Have thought before about how thatd go actually#like. would the facility terminate the pregnant mutant as a whole? would they give it an abortion? would they make it give birth so they ca#study the baby? would they kill both/all the parents? many possible scenarios.. would they isolate this mutant to prevent#others from finding out about sexy times?#WOULD they neuter the mutants? no thats too much work. honestly i doubt they explain periods n shit to the mutants#in a better way than 'how to use pads/tampons' and nothing more. maybe at most birth control if they get older? idk#the facility intrigues me. i wanna be a cog in it so i can find out evrything about it#NOT tagging this so ferry doesnt see it. they CANNOT see this. ok. i anwsered your questions. heed my request
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i miss being hikineet life was less miserable then.
#genuinely less depressing. idk i just dont think im meant to be a person#i cant fucking talk to people without having an autistic sperg out and humiliating myself#i just want to not fail ONCE just fucking once but i cant#whatever. little nurse should be arriving soon.#burando will keep me alive burando is my will to live.#i miss working retail yeah it was shitty and i had fucking meltdowns but not as often as i do in school#plus when i was the only one at the store i could read or crochet or just generally slack off and tell customers to go fuck themselves.#now prof is gonna act like its high school and get mad at me for sleeping in class once like bro cmon im eepy leave me alone#if i fail thats my problem if im wasting money thats my problem mind ur own business.#she went fucking camping over the weekend thats what she was busy with. all i did was see a play and go to the club.#i fucking. did chores and ran errands and shit. did some lame and gay computer shit.#plus im really nauseous rn so like.#im just in a horrible mood and a horrible way and i wish life could be just a little bit easier just a little bit
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god ive missed you sm
#wip#wip tag#finally working on this some more#after this chapter im going back to comic page format#feel like i put more of my soul in these when i do#webtoon format is ok i guess but its so commercialized and i dont get that same satisfaction#when i actually finish them you know?#plus itll be way easier to actually like...organize the file#at least in my opinion#espcially since i figured out how to do shit to print it since that could be an option down the line#ofc im thinking about redoing the prev chapters in comic page format#but baby steps#also for those that dont know i have a webcomic or two up on tapas#link can be found on the pinned#basically a girl now woman has the destroyer of half the world imprisoned in her#and it basically follows her and the two agents that were assigned to her and their little misadventures and such#not at the misadventures part yet but hey#we getting there
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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oooh there about to be some mfing ND on ND crime at work if this fucker keeps trying me
#high anxiety noise sensitivity high sense of justice ND#meets vocal stims and 'doesnt do his job because he knows he can get away with it and push shit onto other ppl' ND#like he NEEDS a job coach and he needs help but there's like. INTENT in this shit he does. like he KNOWS and i feel like#all the NT's at work just ignore it and let him do it because they dont fucking realize it IS something he can help and change#he has focus issues and memory issues. all valid but not at all related how he actively ignores direction or gets sassy and how ill watch#him fuck shit up after having looked around to make sure no one sees him. shit he's been told SOOOO many times how to do/etc. AND HE KNOWS#i have told this bastard sO MANY TIMES to not abandon me in the evening to cover his TEN+ MINUTE BATHROOOOM BREAAAAAAAAKS!!!!!!!!#and he just walked out before i could even say No. I won't be Covering Your Position. Get a Manager.#and i was late getting home#wishing ill intent on him!!!! im tired of everyone having to fix his shit or deal with his gross behavior or get extra work#just because management doesnt know how to deal with a bad employee who HAPPENS to be ND and because corp wont get him a job coach#it's not FAAAAAAIR AND IM OVER IT!!!!#cw negativity#anyway the plus side of coming home pISSED is im awake and ready to write#and like MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE QUIT /because/ of this dude like idk if there's legal shit involved or like fucking what but like i have#no idea why he still has a job. he's been there longer than me btw. i think at some point he said like fucking 5 years#PERISH!!!!
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.havign lots of thoughts about how npcs are portrayed learning about the nature of their universe in works
#.most of the feelings were thrown onto evan since like. i dunno feels like a lot of the works like that write the npcs as fi the npcs-#.are actually people from outside the game transported into the game and have points of refrence about this whole thing and react how ''rea#.people'' would react to learning that they were inside a video game#.when really the npcs would prolly react closer to just going yea okay. since that's their world. they have no other world. that's their#.universe. and now they ave a little bit more info about their own universe#.yea they could have an existencial crisis if they knew what it means but also like#.''ooooh that means that i'm not real'' uhm. yea they are. they still are. that world is real from their perspective and continues to be#.real even after the learn about this#.from OUR perspective they aren't! but from theirs? yea! they are!#.also it9 s not like they would instantly know everything about how video games work even if they had no prior knwledge of that#.why would they try to change the fact that they're made out of lines of code#.that's like being mad and wanting to change the fact that they're made out of atoms#.except in their case it's ones and zeros in a computer#.PLUS!!!!!!!!! IN SOME CASES!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT VIDEO GAMES OR COMPUTERS ARE!!!!!!!!!!#.IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT SORT OF WORLD THE VIDEO GAME PORTRAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#.IF THE WORLD HAS COMPUTERS IN THERE THEN THEY KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE!#.IF THE WORLD IS MEDIVAL THEY WOULDN'T FUCKING KNOW SHIT!#.once again pointing at evan and how we threw bunch of our feelings about this onto her#.since like he grew up in a world post combine invasion and like. technoglogy isn't really the best#.like barely anyone has any access to it other than the combine and all that jazz#.so she doesn't know what video games are. maybe has heard of what computers are#.she learned about being in a video game but to him that's the same as learning how our solar system travels through the galaxy and physics#.it's just another little detail about the world thta may explain some things. or maybe it doesn't#.when facing with her code she sees it as her dna. yea she's reading it but she deson't understand a thing in it#.maybe some fragments maybe not#.just like how everyday people wouldn't know how to interpert dna if they already haven't studied about that subject#.and when him getting corrupted. she doesn't know what happened. he just knows that something did. but she can't do anything about it#.and instead just learn how to navigate the world with more difficulties#.like how one would with a pernament injury
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siiiiighs. curse of everything costs money all the time
#.pdf#rd#i was actually feeling excited to start putting some work into my aquarium hobby again after a year and a half of feeling too demoralized#(because of june 2022 when my air conditioner went out while i was away from home for a few days and i came back to 95 degree tanks-#-and a total loss of all the fish i had in them for no reason at all other than the fact that the ONE TIME my ac stopped working i was away#so i lost motivation to do aquarium stuff for ages after that. and i was just getting back into it and making plans to get more supplies etc#aaaand now it looks like im going to have to push that back a long ass while! because i noticed one of my cats has a few loose teeth and i-#-dont know how long theyve been like that and while i dont have money for this i DEFINITELY dont have the money to spend thousands later if-#-its left untreated and develops into something worse#but the cheapest place near me i can find is 50 exam fee plus 275 dental base rate plus up to 250 dollars for extractions. so. fuck me#especially if thats a per tooth extraction rate. and then including costs for bloodwork and medication and shit. god.#anyway. gonna call and ask for details about their dental rates and payment options soon i guess. wish me and oolong luck#(oolong is cat)
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me when i ship zhaohan 😔 there's next to no content unless i'm just not looking in the right spots
be the change you want to see in the world my man.... if i can trick people into thinking masadai is real then i know you can rally the troupes with them lovable goobers......
#snap chats#zhao and yeonsu ARE cute to me tho thats the thing. theyre so sillay#i dont have many ideas with them but i love drawing them together when i get the motivation#i love drawing zhao and joon-gi honestly since Like Ichi i draw them kinda differently from everyone else#/kinda differently/ zhao's a foot tall motherfucker#BUT NO with joon-gi i want him to be a bishounen protag... so it's fun giving him all those sparklies and anime energy...#tho it'd be more appropriate to go for a manhwa art style huh#something to practice me thinks...#REGARDLESS i believe in you anon..... get that propaganda flowing you'll gather a small group in no time...#if you're sick enough in the head <- me#oh but if you arnet confident or know what to do yet !!!! pixiv and twitter generally has a good amount of art for them#i know i happen upon zhao and joon-gi art when i scroll through twitter sometimes#of course you have to follow eastern artists but they ALWAYS have The Best And Most Delicious Shit#they never miss they're the only artists i follow on twitter im p sure LMAO#if you don't know what artists to follow on twitter though pixiv's your best friend#some people are scared of her but not me...... i'm too numb to everything... plus she does have a LOT of good stuff there#'趙��ン' is the zhaohan tag on there. there's 101 works but i know not every thing is tagged sometimes#like a lot of arakawa fam stuff isn't tagged 'arakawa family' or even 'arakawa'- just generally 'yakuza' or 'rgg' and stuff like that#just gotta do a lil digging my friend ! best of luck to you ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶
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Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'
#text post#idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do#literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral#was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao#whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight#plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too#prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night#i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see#i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too#I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not#this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset#i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can#this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve#or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with#im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao
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just finished watching the og scott pilgrim movie for the first time fucking loved it
#it obviously has issues. but man ive never seen anything like this shit i loved it so much#its like if they made a 2010s youtube comedy sketch into a movie but in the best way possible#two main things. one im always a huge lover of incorporating animated visuals into anything. thank fucking god#and two i LOVEEEEEEE stories that take place in this kind of heightened reality#like its all normal everyday at first just with fun editing but then the fights start happening and its just like#yeah everyone here just does crazy video game boss fights and defeats ppl and they turn into coins and thats just normal and no#one questions it. THATS FUCKING AWESOMEEEEEEEEE i love shit like that so much#doing stuff like this is so much more fun when you dont have characters making wisecracks about the nature of their reality every two#seconds. this shit was great bcuz no one is like ''ermm so i have this health bar? sooo crazy lol. that just happened!''#or whatever. this is just how the world works i love it#anyways i wanted to watch the movie first before i watched the new animated series. cause i want to watch that cuz it looks super fun#so whenever i have time next im gonna do that :D excited for that since ik ppl have been liking it a lot#plus i've heard it kind of addresses some of the more Erm bits from the story which is cool#i know its very different from the movie too so dw i know that going in lol#anyways i need to go to bed but yeah movie good#serena.txt
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Good luck with the lc you'll be grand i believe in you :-)
o7 kiss ty anon <3
#im just in me room like DO I REALLT WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE#like i could always go back right#n i wanna be a copy editor but i dont quite know how id get therr#work experience was a wash but i think frsnkly id be just as happy in some office#n me mam has connections in the civil service or whatever so ?#like the course im aiming at is only 300 points plus i have DARE so like. ill do my exams fuck it sure#but also i feel like im gonna do worse than rhe mocks. lol. lol. lol#WHATEVER we can do nothing now#my secondary schoop experience ends not wirh a bang but a heem heem whimper#fucks sake i dont even give a shit abt the debs like. maybe thats just the 11pm talking tho
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