#i was texting my mom the whole time
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so my mom mentioned to my brother that i didnt have the best of times at pride the other day because like people were at least 2½hrs late so i was just kinda sat there alone for a long time.
and my brother has told me that next year, hell go to pride with me and hell get his best mate to go too, and is he trying to tell me something? are one of them, or both of them queer? or is it just aggressive allyship? i cannot tell.
#kai rambles#i appreciate the sentiment#because like the first 2 hours of waiting were Not Fun for me#because see i developed fainting attacks recently#they might be non-epileptic seizures we're not sure#but i was like its not gonna be a problem if i faint because we're having a picnic and watching the parade#and if the worst happens#itll be my friends around me to wait for me to wake up#so like you can imagine the terror i was feeling when i was there alone#like i have a card explaining everything that ill wear but i got that when i was staying at my moms 2 hours away#and it only has hers and my brothers numbers on it so not the most helpful and i dont have one for my friends#because like i need to have that conversation with them first#so i didnt even have the card with me#so if i fainted it would be strangers around whod probably be calling emergency services immediately when they dont need to#and i was so scared that it would happen that i moved from a bench to the floor because at least that way if i hit my head#less likely to have a second brain injury#i was texting my mom the whole time#and like i had a great time once my friends got there but most of the stalls were closed and wed basically missed everything#so not the best time#and i appreciate that my brother being like ''if they let you down again i'll- you know what? no matter what i'll go with you''#its very sweet of him
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whatever //blasts your old man with the butch beam//
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#yakuza series#jo sawashiro#genderbend#snap sketches#sorry.#i laid in bed for three seconds and i dont know what happened i saw a vision and thought to myself 'how can i make my mommy issues worse'#unrelated ramble time my dad. texted me and he did the whole 'you need to eat' bit#and then i told him i was goin to my moms this weekend for a hot minute and he was all 'oh ill send you miso soup :) quick an easy :)'#like thank you...... i. LOVE. water.#i actually do like miso soup but it just seems like a funny thing to me idk LOL#immediately after that he was like 'wait ill just give you money for groceries'#which i felt bad bout since i always feel bad gettin money from my dad. not my mom tho she's a witch#see this is. why we're here tonight this ramble is NOT totally unrelated LMAO#anyway. i have a genderbent ichi doodle too but i figured one (1) instance of me being ill is enough for tonight#so with that im gonna look at the wall more and think of women BYE
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i’m p sure this spring i got removed from the high school group chat i didn’t want to be in due to talking about being a homo (win) but now one of the members wants to get coffee and i am so tired… i’ll probably go and turn the blunt honesty all the way up and see how it ends up but i am so bored with it all! we have interesting things to do with our lives now!
#text tag#and anything i say her mom will tell my whole hometown so i can kill 5849394 birds with one stone#we were v physically affectionate all the time and were the ones who got dared to do gay shit in truth or dare but i’m also tired of being#people’s plausible deniability personal journey kickstarter (yes i know this is mean)
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sometimes i ask my dad for help with something (most of the time after helping him do something) and hes like "yeah ok" but then he immediately leaves the room and hopes i forget about asking him to do something and never does it and then he asks me to help him with something like 2 hours later
#like ive been asking him to help me just plan my mom's memorial service and every time i ask he disappears and never brings it up again#like thanks for fucking nothing i guess#it pisses me off so badly because i help him with everything#but no one ever helps me with anything ever for any reason#me#like i have gotten absolutely 0 tangible support aside from a couple text messages throught this whole thing#and its making me really realize how little people care about me#its depressing. and embarassing.
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sometimes i am put in situations that only could happen on tv but you can’t make this up
sonon wednesday my coworker called me during my prep period and was like hey can you come to my room really quick. and that’s normal like 1 im department lead so if they need something i told them to hmu and i got them 2. we’re friends so if you have to pee well fall each other to cover. so im like yeah sure what do you need. and this bitch goes [name of student i hate] keeps saying the n word with the hard er and i bet him he wouldn’t say that to a black persons face so can you come to my room to prove a point’ and she’s like laughing as she says this. with her whole class there like it’s some sort of joke; when she’s acting like she’s shaming this child. and like…. what the actual fuck. mind you, this kids that i hate HAS called me the n word with the hard er before my coworker KNOWS this because we all went out drinking afterward and i cried cuz i was so angry. so I was like what the fuck no and hung up on her. then like 30 mins later she texts me and says “that was such a silly call! i didn’t actually expect you to come lmaoooo. i just like to fluster them when they do things like that” and i didn’t respond and haven’t spoken to her since.
and we are in a bunch of group chats so i left the chats that aren’t work specific and blocked her number and blocked her on ig. and i don’t say anything to anyone at work cuz im grown and i can stop being friends with people without making it an announcement. and so today she texts one of our other coworkers that ive been friends with for almost 5 years now, like omg have you talked to asyah i think she blocked me on ig and idk what i could have done to deserve this it just makes me so sad cuz ive had people just stop being my friend for no reason before and i have abandonment issues please ask her if i did anything wrong. and so my friend came up to me like girl wtf and so i told her what happened and my friend was like this is the last straw for me she’s been saying fucked up shit for a while and i didn’t want to rock the boat but im tired of her.
and then my coworker texted one of my OTHER work friends like omg woe is me everyone is being so mean to me cue white woman tears™️ and im like…. i would have NEVER asked you to be in a position like this. when students do antisemitic things i stop that shit right then and there and never tell you about it because that’s harmful to you! and i thought we were friends i would never put you in a place of harm but you have the nerve to call me and ask me if i want a child to call me a nigger to my face? you laugh while you say it, then send me some fucked up not apology and then when im not fucking with your ass you drag my friends into your pity party? bitch fucking CHOKE.
i was just going to ignore her and leave it as it is but now she’s trying to play the victim like im the one in the wrong here. like im so mad! ive been mad since my homegirl came and told me what she texted her. im going to go to my union rep and let her know what happened too before this girl tries to tell the whole school im bullying her no one would believe her cuz ive been there for 6 years and have no problems with no one but i don’t like people being in my business and would rather get ahead of this but my GOD.
#like you aren’t deserved any explaining if you cannot understand the harm you did im not going to explain it to you#im one of 3 black people fhat work at that school and ive told you how much it bothers me when the nonblack kids#just throw nigga around and you have the audacity to ask me if I want to hear a child say nigger?? like how is that even a punishment to the#child? you ask would you want your mom to hear you say that would you say that in front of your grandma etc#if we are trying to show them that they shouldn’t be saying words that’s what I do when they cuss#not call up one of the few people on campus that have had that word used as a weapon against them if they’d like a 12 year old to call them#that to their face like what the actual fuck#im so MAD ive been mad for 3 days now and now another coworker texted me like what’s#going on with you and alyssa she said you blocked her like???? girl what#why are you asking the whole damns school why I blocked you why are you trying to center yourself when you can clearly see the last time#I spoke to you was when you said what the fuck you said like she brags about how she has a degree in women gender and ethnic studies#but girl throw that paper away cuz you didn’t learn shit#in which I rant#I feel better now that last text was gonna have he calling her phone and calling her everything but a child of god#cannot let these people take me out of my character#these people being my coworkers like sick and also tired!
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the other day when we were talking about mom my sister was like oh yeah you were the last one left in the house and apologized to me for being "so selfish for a long time" and I am like oooooohgg. you've taken care of me your whole life don't apologize for that
#in some ways she was selfish when it came to mom#and there are things I can't forgive her for that I'm not sure she even remembers#but she protected me from mom the whole time she was at home it was not her job to come back and save me#I never blamed her for that#sorry I am in my sibling feellingssssss lately#this next cql arc is going to kill me I fear#ghost posts#text
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inside you there are two wolves: one gives a fuck, the other doesn't give a fuck
#sage's diary#006#10/30/2024#(incredible timing on my mom's part to start texting me for the first time in a month right as i was about to make one of these)#october has really been kicking my ass mental health-wise good fucking god#maybe i really DO have seasonal depression idk#this whole month's just been a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts. its so exhausting#first it was the stressing about moving out soon. trying once again to get a job ontop of that (and failing of-fucking-course)#then all the dumb romantic feelings i was experiencing (and STILL struggling with)#and now im genuinely considering if i'd be happier if i was actually fully trans (or atleast just MORE masculine than i already sortof am??#when will i catch a fucking mental break man. my brain's already going 1mil mph a day anyways thanks to my ADHD i REALLY dont need more#uhghh whatever......... i have ace attorney to do soon i cant be worrying about this shit too much#save me talking to friends on discord...... save me....................
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I picked up some prints at a market yesterday, but I can't post them since I don't wanna doxx myself by sharing the artists!!! I think it would be quite rude to post pictures without their info. Y'all are gonna have to just trust me on how cute these prints are!!! I have to get frames for some of them and I am so happy to have art to put on my walls :3
#i picked up a print in a 3 fold frame n it was only 30$ which is insane.#30$!! for 3 prints in a folding frame!!!! SO CHEAP!!!!#there were lots of indigenous beadworkers there too n my mom got some earrings :3#lots of bug taxidermy as well. and someone with a whole mini skateboard display AND MINI SKATEPARK#there was also a pop up tattoo studio which was super cool. didnt get one myself but maybe next time >:3#also sorry to brag about my cute prints and not show them. i wanted to share them with yall so bad but i am deeply paranoid. forgive me <3#batty blogging#text
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wow just tried from 10-12 to try and get myself to fall asleep sleep then had the worst sleep paralysis I’ve had in awhile and woke up so sweaty. Yay!!!!!!!!!
#txt#I’m so mad dude I hate everything rn#the whole time I was just trying ti text my mom in my head cuz I was scared#it felt like it lasted an hour#feel sick n I kno all my work stress is causing this
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#vent tw#death mention tw#okay I need to post this bc I’m. going to explode into a million shattered parts if I don’t#my grandmother on my moms side who lived with us my whole teen years. who I helped care for. passed last night before I could go visit her#and instead of IDK FUCKING CALLING ME TO TELL ME my estranged idiot sister just texts me basically ‘Oop she died 🤪’#what the actual fuck#I deserve to hear from our mom? I deserve to hear like the rest of the fucking family?#my cousin did it right and said ‘call your mom’ but you just fucking take it on yourself?? how inconsiderate and conceited to take that away#how little do you see of me to not show basic fucking compassion??#I will never not hold this with me every time I think of my grandmothers passing#I’m a fucking adult. I’ve lived on my own for 3 god damn years. and yet you can’t extend me the BASIC FUCKING RESPECT of letting me find out#the RIGHT WAY#I broke my no contact out of respect for my grandma. I promised to walk into a house I was fucking prisoner in half my life.#I looked past my pain and my trauma out of basic fucking human decency and she couldn’t wait a few hours to let the news reach me properly#and before I can even say my goodbyes she’s gone and this is how you tell me??#she KNEW I was in contact with our mom again#she KNEW#I lived with grandma I HELPED TAKE CARE OF HER#I picked her off the floor when she fell I made her food when she was hungry I READ HER BOOKS WHEN HER HANDS SHOOKTOO BAD#I knew they were monsters but are you fucking kidding me?? this is so so low I’m in fucking shock#I thank my partner and their family every fucking day for teaching me what real love is#because after you live your whole life trying to love people who are only playing roles for the sake of appearance you can never go back to#the cold lifeless greyscale power plays they call unconditional love#god I just#I’m just so fucking tired
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so i may be moving in the next few weeks 😵💫
#there’s this girl looking for a roommate in this town an hour away#and i just texted her and we’re gonna meet up this week to talk it over#i’m so NERVOUS fuck.#but it is absolutely time to move on!#it’s not healthy living with my mom anymore i need to not Be Here#i also might have a job opportunity in ***** so moving there makes sense#even if it’s just for a few months#cause i’m going to apply to university!!!!!!!!!! that whole process is So Daunting yall are so brave#how do you guys function in the transition period without throwing up every hour???#ofc this might fall through. if it does i think ill just pursue moving to the city that im applying for university in#since i have family there i could rent from#but yep! get me out of this house!#lindsay posts
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IT WAS IN THE FUCKING BUSHES THIS WHOLE TIME IM GONNA FUCKING SCREAM
#marquilla#we called and they were like um we delivered it on Jan 19th.... front porch#it fell or blew over into the bushes on the side of the porch without the mailbox and i didnt see it until i went out to crawl around in the#damn bushes and it was there the whole damn time#im so fucking mad omg#mom's like well we'll still pick up the new one :) like i dont wanna drive 2 hours! i wanna go lay down!!#they're reliable and i just have to text them to get my refill 😭 dont make me drive man i dont wanna go out again it's cold
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Arthur T. Demoulas is like a New England folk hero
#he's the ceo of market basket#i'm saying this bc he's a well-known figure and yet i feel like he doesn't live in contemporary times#idk i keep seeing articles about him since it's the 10-year anniversary of the market basket strike summer#apparently he gave current employees bonuses that's nice#for what it's worth i don't know much about him or his policies and have never worked at market basket#although everyone in new hampshire and massachusetts has known several people who at least at one point have worked at mahky bakky#such is the ubiquity of that chain of grocery stores#text post#if you never heard of the 2014 market basket strike it was bc they switched ceos from artie t. to his cousin#arthur s. demoulas and basically none of the workers or public supported the direction he wanted to take the stores into#to quote my mom at the time ''he wants to make it more like shaw's'' (deep slander)#and like it was quite stunning how not a single person shopped at market basket that whole summer#no one would own up to it if they even stepped in. you risked hisses from the local community#i know one person who talked about going in once in the fall and they said it was a complete ghost town#let alone do i know if they had ANY employees bc scabbing for them... could not have been a good look#but then once they switched back to arthur t. as ceo. it was like. it was like the instant burst of energy#that we thought we'd all get at one point 'when the pandemic ends'#it was like all at once energized and back to normal#fascinating story
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things could be soooo much more dire but my recent streak of batting 0 on taking care of my little creature’s health and my own health is making me feel constant dread -_- i need my cat to eat food please omfg. and i need to not pull one of my epic medical system dropout moves yet again
#text tag#literally just sitting on the couch looking at him weeping slightly. when i picked him up from the shelter it took them like 30 min to#finish all the bureaucracy stuff bc they were super busy and the whole time i was standing by his cage petting his tummy bc he’d get scared#whenever i wasn’t in physical contact with him. and i’d be talking like ‘you’re good i’ve got you’ but do i got him???????#i need to send my mom flowers or something how did she deal w this shit when it was her actual human child
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꒰ 💌 ꒱ ˖*°࿐•
#personal update#feel free to ignore#my phone is finally fixed after a few months yayy#i can finally catch up on all my texts#i'm so sorry for ignoring you guys it really wasn't my intention TT#i had a few exams that really drained me and i have officially finished 3rd year#you'd think i'd be on vacation now right? WRONG#whoever came up with the idea of an extended semester you have a special place in hell mf#anyways hopefully 4th year would be better now that i've made every mistake in the book lmao#new academic year new me etc etc#good news i finally convinced my parents to get me a drawing tablet#had to make a whole argument on why it would be useful and they took the cost out of my allowance but it's so worth it#it might take me some time to find the resources but be prepared to see shitty sketches on your tl soon lmao🤞🏻#bad news my mom forced me to stop taking antidepressants cuz they made me gain weight so my mental health is worse than ever#i'm trying tooth and nail to not let this affect my online presence cuz i really miss you guys but i'm not sure how long that will last
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New thing discovered: Hungry + unsolicited critique = i want to kill
#actually autistic#parents kept acting all scared/trying to correct my driving#mom got pissed i was selecting music on my phone bc 1 year ago i got upset at her for texting and driving#and i guess she took it really personally#its literally not the same but shes like “ohh its a 'double standard'” (republican word for democrats)#texting on your phone while driving i-95 in DC is NOT the same as selecting music on spotify on an empty road in the boondocks of vermont#dad kept saying i was taking turns too fast#literally driving the speed limit#you drive then???#every time i spend more than 30 minutes with my family i'm reminded of why i choose to spend $400 a month to not have to live with them#at about 6pm while driving dad went “oh it's time for dinner” (we had been driving since 3) and then.#instead of food which was readily available at the stop#he got a dozen donuts#???????#im eating whole wheat toeast its the first true food ive had since 3pm and its currentl 2am#autism#neurodivergent#im gonna rip someones head off#i went into a voluntary verbal shutdown in the car cuz i was like wtf do you guys want me to say to you#and we were like 10 mins form the airbnb#road trip
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