#i wanted to make it feel like the weight of every emotion is on my shoulder but i cover it up with colors and characters and art

[helen-with-an-a]

Heyy, i hope you're doing well! I wanted to ask if you would be down to write a fic based on the song "drown" by bring me the horizon. I absolutely love this song and it has a place in my heart because this band and also this song carried me through some dark times ( I cried so hard when i heard that song live for the first time 2 months ago xD) . Maybe it could be a barca x reader fic that also deals with $elf h@rm if that is a topic you're comfortable writing about, because reading books and fan fics about this topic has been helping me immensely with my own recovery. So if this is an idea that interests you I would love to read that fic, but if it's a topic you're just not comfortable with feel free to just ignore this ask. (But seriously listen to drown it's such a beautiful song)

Hiiiiii - I hope I did this request and song justice. Please know if you are struggling, you are loved. You are so, so loved and people want to help you. I know asking for help is really hard, but I promise it is worth it. You are worth it.

Drowning

Barça femeni x reader

Description: R feels like she is drowning and the team comes to help her

Word Count: 5.4k

TW: Undescribed Self Harm; Brief mentions of cutting; Bad mental health

Kelly Clarkson once sang that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, that it turns you into a fighter, and helps you stand a little taller. Those words are meant to inspire resilience, to remind you that adversity is supposed to build character and fortify your spirit. But as much as you wanted to believe that, as much as you tried to let those lyrics resonate in your heart, the truth is, you weren’t sure if they were true. You wished with every fibre of your being that they were, but deep down, you felt the weight of life’s challenges pressing down on you. Instead of feeling stronger, you often felt worn down, as if the struggles you faced had chipped away at your resolve rather than bolstered it.

You wanted to feel like a fighter, to stand taller in the face of hardship, but more often than not, you found yourself struggling just to stay on your feet. It was as if each obstacle left a scar that made it harder to move forward, rather than easier. The hope that you’d emerge stronger sometimes felt like a distant dream, and you wondered if that strength Kelly sang about was something you’d ever truly feel.

Half the time, it felt like you were floating – weightless, as if you were drifting through life without a solid anchor. There was a strange sensation of being unmoored, detached from the world around you, almost as if you were existing in a bubble that separated you from everything real and tangible. In those moments, you felt neither grounded nor fully present, as if the weight of your worries and responsibilities had somehow lifted, but so had your sense of purpose and direction. You were there, but not really there – drifting in a kind of limbo where everything seemed just out of reach.

The other half of the time, it felt like you were drowning – barely able to keep your head above the water as the weight of everything threatened to pull you under. The world seemed to close in around you, the pressures and responsibilities of life crashing over you like relentless waves. Each day felt like a struggle just to stay afloat, as if you were constantly treading water in an ocean of overwhelming emotions, fears, and uncertainties.

Your mind was a whirlpool, dragging you down into dark, turbulent depths where it was hard to breathe, hard to think, and hard to see any way out. Every little thing seemed like an anchor, dragging you further beneath the surface, making it harder and harder to find the strength to push back up. The sensation of drowning was terrifying – your heart raced, your breath quickened, and panic took hold as you fought desperately to survive the relentless tide.

In these moments, it felt like you were being suffocated by the weight of your own thoughts and emotions, as if they were water filling your lungs, making it impossible to take a full breath. You tried to fight against it, to keep yourself above the water, but the effort was exhausting, leaving you drained and gasping for air. The more you struggled, the deeper you seemed to sink, and the idea of finding solid ground again felt increasingly out of reach.

There was one thing that brought you a small measure of comfort, a fleeting moment of relief that made you feel a little better. It was like a lifeline thrown to you in the middle of the chaos. Just for that brief instant, your feet were on solid ground again, and you felt a sense of stability that had been missing for so long. In that split second, you weren’t drowning in the suffocating depths of your anxieties, nor were you floating aimlessly through the fog of disconnection.

Instead, you felt anchored, grounded in a reality that was steady and secure. It was as if the storm inside you had paused, and the world had stopped spinning just long enough for you to catch your breath. In that moment, you were fully present, aware of yourself and your surroundings in a way that made everything else fade into the background. The weight that usually pressed so heavily on your chest lifted, and for that brief period, you were able to stand tall and feel the earth beneath you, firm and unwavering.

It didn’t last long – those moments of clarity and peace never did. They slipped away as quickly as they came, like sand through your fingers, leaving you once again adrift in the chaos of your thoughts. The sense of calm and stability that you craved was always fleeting, a temporary reprieve that left you yearning for more. But in the aftermath, when the world once again became overwhelming and your mind descended back into the chaos there was one thing that lingered: the small, neat red lines.

These lines were the only reminder of that brief lucidity, etched into your skin like a secret code that only you could understand. They were delicate but precise, almost methodical in their appearance, as if each one was a calculated attempt to bring some order to the chaos within.

The red lines were your way of marking time, of grounding yourself in a reality that often felt too slippery to hold onto. In those moments when clarity slipped away, when you were once again floating or drowning, they were there to remind you that, for just a moment, you had found your footing. The pain they brought was real, sharp, and immediate – something that could cut through the numbness and confusion, anchoring you back to the present.

It hadn’t always been like this. There was a time when life was simpler, when the world seemed brighter and full of possibilities. Your dad used to tell you stories of when you were just a baby, how you were the very picture of happiness –  all gummy smiles and infectious giggles that could light up a room. He would describe how your laughter was so pure, so full of joy, that it could make even the grumpiest person smile. In his eyes, you were a little bundle of sunshine, radiating warmth and love wherever you went.

You often wondered what happened to that little girl, the one who seemed to find joy so easily in everything around her. Where did she go? What changed between those carefree days and now, when the world feels so heavy and your heart so burdened? You tried to remember the last time you felt that kind of unrestrained happiness, but the memories were hazy, like trying to recall a dream that had long since faded.

You couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when things started to shift, when the lightness began to slip away, replaced by something much darker. Maybe it was a gradual process, so slow and subtle that you didn’t notice it happening until one day you woke up and realised that the little girl who used to laugh so easily was gone. Or maybe it was something more abrupt, a single event that changed everything, though you couldn’t quite remember what it might have been.

There were times when you’d catch a glimpse of her, that little girl, in the mirror – perhaps in a fleeting smile or a brief moment of joy – but she was always just out of reach, like a shadow that vanished as soon as you tried to hold onto it. The happiness that once came so naturally now felt like a distant memory, something that belonged to a different time, a different version of yourself.

You couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss, a mourning for the person you used to be, for the life you used to live. What had happened to that carefree spirit, the one who saw the world as a place of wonder and possibility? Where did all those smiles and giggles go, replaced by the weight of anxiety and the burden of unspoken sadness?

You wished you could find your way back to her, to that little girl who knew how to be happy without even trying. But the path seemed unclear, the way forward uncertain, and all you were left with were the memories of who you used to be and the quiet hope that maybe, someday, you might rediscover that lost joy.

Ingrid had sensed that something was off the very first time she met you. It was as if she could see right through the façade you were trying so hard to maintain. You were just 17 at the time, still so young, yet there was something about the way you carried yourself that spoke of a weariness far beyond your years. Most teenagers were full of restless energy, eager to explore the world and discover who they were, but you – there was a heaviness in your eyes, a kind of fatigue that no child should ever have to bear.

When you stood before her, Ingrid could see that the weight of the world was already pressing down on your shoulders. It was in the way you held yourself, as if every movement took a conscious effort, every step a deliberate act to keep from being overwhelmed by the burden you carried. You tried to smile, to present yourself as just another teenager navigating the usual challenges of adolescence, but even your smile seemed strained, like it was something you had to force rather than something that came naturally.

Ingrid noticed how you seemed to shrink into yourself, as if trying to make yourself smaller, less noticeable, perhaps in the hope that the world might go easier on you if you took up less space. But it was impossible to ignore the sadness that lingered behind your eyes, a sadness that seemed to have settled there long before its time. It was as if you had lived through experiences that had aged you in ways that others your age couldn’t begin to understand.

There was an unspoken tension in the way you interacted with others, a hesitation that suggested you had learned to guard yourself carefully. Ingrid could tell that you were wary of letting anyone get too close, as if you were afraid that if someone saw too much, they might unravel the carefully constructed image you were trying so desperately to hold together. It was a kind of self-protection, a shield you had built to keep the world at arm’s length, but Ingrid could see through it.

She saw the exhaustion etched into your posture, the way your shoulders slumped ever so slightly, as if the weight you carried was too much to bear alone. And though you were still just a teenager, still supposed to be discovering the joys and freedoms of youth, there was an undeniable gravity about you, a maturity born out of hardship that no one your age should have had to endure.

She had gone straight to Mapí, her heart heavy with worry and a sense of urgency she couldn’t ignore. Mapí had always been her anchor, the one person she could turn to when everything else seemed to be spiralling out of control. There was a comfort in Mapí’s presence, a kind of steady reassurance that made the world feel a little less chaotic. And in that moment, when she felt like she was drowning in her own thoughts, there was no one else she could think of who could help her make sense of it all.

As she approached Mapí, she could see the girl was already watching her, those perceptive eyes filled with a quiet understanding. Mapí had always been like that – intuitive, almost as if she could sense when something was wrong without a single word being spoken. It was as if she could read the unspoken emotions, the things that others overlooked or dismissed, and she knew just how to respond without being told.

“I’m worried about her,” Ingrid said quietly to Mapí, her voice tinged with concern as she gestured with her head in your direction. There was a seriousness in her tone that caught Mapí’s attention immediately. Ingrid wasn’t one to express worry lightly; if she was concerned, it meant something was truly wrong.

“Who?” Mapí asked, her brow furrowing slightly as she tried to follow Ingrid’s line of sight. She turned to see who Ingrid was referring to, her eyes scanning the room until they landed on you.

“Den lille,” Ingrid replied softly. It was a name that fit you perfectly, even though you were no longer a small child. To Ingrid, you would always be den lille, the one who needed looking after, the one she couldn’t help but worry about.

Mapí’s gaze lingered on you, taking in the way you sat off to the side, your shoulders hunched slightly as if you were trying to make yourself invisible. She saw the way your fingers absentmindedly traced the edges of your shorts, a nervous habit she had noticed before but never truly understood until now. There was something about your posture, the way you seemed so withdrawn, that tugged at her heart. You looked like you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it didn’t sit right with Mapí.

“She’s been different lately,” Ingrid continued, her voice barely above a whisper, as if saying the words out loud would somehow make them more real. “I’m scared, María.”

Mapí’s heart ached at Ingrid’s words. The concern in Ingrid’s voice was palpable, a stark contrast to the usual composed and confident demeanour she typically displayed. The way Ingrid had hesitated before speaking, the trembling edge to her voice, suggested that this was more than just a fleeting worry – it was a deep, gnawing fear that had taken root in her heart.

Mapí turned her full attention to you, her eyes softening. There was an undeniable shift in your demeanour that had been building over time, and it was clear now that Ingrid’s fears were not unfounded. The way you sat, so isolated and withdrawn, seemed like a cry for help that was too quiet to be heard. Mapí could feel the gravity of the situation pressing down on her, the realisation that something needed to be done before it was too late.

“Ale will know what to do,” Mapí said with false bravado, trying to mask the tremor in her voice behind a veneer of confidence. Her words were meant to reassure Ingrid, to offer a glimmer of hope amidst the growing uncertainty, but inside, she felt a pang of doubt.

Mapí had always relied on Alexia’s wisdom and experience, believing her to be someone who could handle even the most complex of situations with ease. She had a way of approaching problems with calm assurance and a strategic mindset that often brought clarity and solutions where there seemed to be none. Mapí hoped that, with Alexia’s involvement, they could find a way to help you navigate the turmoil you were experiencing.

She knew, however, that this situation was different. The weight of it felt heavier, more personal. Her usually steadfast confidence was being tested, and despite her efforts to maintain a brave front, she couldn’t completely suppress the anxiety that gnawed at her.

Ingrid glanced at Mapí, a mixture of hope and scepticism in her eyes. “You really think so?” she asked, her voice laced with both trust and apprehension.

“Absolutely,” Mapí replied, her tone firm despite the fluttering unease in her chest.

Alexia had noticed the changes in you too, though her observations were more subtle, filtered through a lens of quiet concern rather than overt worry. She had seen you through different stages of life, from the carefree moments of adolescence to the more introspective phases, but lately, something had shifted, and she couldn’t ignore the signs any longer.

It was in the way you interacted with others, or rather, how you had started to withdraw from those interactions. Alexia, who had always admired your vibrant energy and effortless charm, now saw you retreating into yourself. The once bright and engaging conversations seemed to dwindle, replaced by a more subdued presence that she struggled to reconcile with the person she once knew.

She noticed how you would often linger on the periphery of group activities, participating only half-heartedly, if at all. Your laughter, which used to come so easily, had become rare and forced, a stark contrast to the genuine joy that used to light up your face. Even your physical appearance had changed; where there was once a confident posture, there was now a noticeable slouch, a sign of the weight you seemed to be carrying.

Alexia also observed the small, telling habits that had shifted. The way you fidgeted with your clothes or avoided eye contact during conversations spoke volumes about your internal struggle. It was as if you were trying to make yourself as inconspicuous as possible, a stark departure from the once lively and assertive person she had known.

“Ale, we need to talk,” Mapí said firmly, cornering Alexia in the changing rooms after training one afternoon. Her voice was low and serious, carrying an undertone of urgency that instantly drew Alexia’s full attention. The usual post-training chatter and the clamor of lockers being shut were fading into the background as the gravity of Mapí’s tone cut through the noise.

“Is everything okay?” Alexia asked, her voice betraying a hint of concern as she met Mapí’s gaze. The look in Mapí’s eyes was one Alexia hadn’t seen very often – an earnestness and resolve that spoke of something deeper than just a casual chat. The air between them seemed to thicken with unspoken tension, the room suddenly feeling smaller, more confined as the weight of the conversation settled in.

“No, it’s not,” Ingrid replied, her tone steady but laden with emotion.

Three sets of eyes turned to look at you, the subject of their concern. You sat on a bench, somewhat apart from the group, absorbed in your own thoughts, unaware of the intensity of the discussion unfolding just a few feet away. The distance between you and the others was more than physical; it was as though a chasm had opened up, underscoring the emotional divide that had grown.

You looked so tired. It was a weariness that went beyond physical exhaustion, a heaviness that seemed to seep into your very bones. The vibrant energy that once defined you had dimmed, leaving behind a shadow of your former self.

Your eyes, which used to sparkle with curiosity and joy, were now clouded with a fatigue that spoke volumes about the battles you were fighting internally. They were deep and dark, the kind of tiredness that comes from sleepless nights and unspoken worries. The once bright and animated expression you wore had given way to a distant gaze that struggled to focus on the world around you. When you did look up, it was with a slow, measured effort, as if the simple act of meeting someone’s eyes required more energy than you had to spare. Your gaze seemed to drift in and out of focus, mirroring the exhaustion that you felt but could not escape.

Your training top seemed far too big on you now, the fabric hanging off you like a draped shroud. It was as if the clothes themselves reflected the way you had withdrawn from the world; they looked oversized and loose, emphasising the contrast between your current state and the vibrant person you used to be.

Every small movement you made seemed laboured, as though even the simplest actions required a tremendous amount of effort. Your shoulders slouched slightly, as if weighed down by an invisible burden that made every step feel heavier. The casual confidence that once characterised your movements had been replaced by a tentative, almost cautious mannerism, as though you were trying to conserve every ounce of energy you had.

Your breathing was steady but shallow, and every now and then, you let out a sigh that seemed to escape from somewhere deep inside you – a sigh that spoke of exhaustion and resignation. The small, subtle gestures you made, like tucking your hands into your sleeves or curling your legs up on the bench, were instinctive attempts to find some semblance of comfort or protection in a moment where you felt particularly vulnerable.

“Oh, cariño,” Alexia whispered, her heart breaking at the sight of you. The term of endearment slipped from her lips like a soft breath of sorrow, laden with a depth of feeling that words alone could not fully convey. It was a tender utterance meant to bridge the emotional chasm that seemed to separate you from everyone around you.

As Alexia watched you, her eyes were filled with a deep sadness that mirrored the gravity of the moment. The sight of you, sitting apart from the group, lost in your own thoughts, was more than Alexia could bear. Her heart ached as she took in the full extent of your weariness. It was clear that this was not just a fleeting moment of fatigue but a profound, ongoing struggle that had seeped into your very being. The vibrant spirit she once knew seemed overshadowed by a deep, unspoken sorrow that had taken hold.

You weren’t sure why you phoned Ona, out of all people. It wasn’t like you were particularly close with her; in fact, your interactions with her had always been somewhat limited and casual. You knew her mostly through mutual friends and shared activities, exchanging pleasantries and brief conversations but never delving deeply into each other's lives. Yes, you considered her a friend, but your one-on-one time had been minimal, mostly restricted to group settings or casual encounters. She wasn’t someone you confided in regularly, nor did you have a history of sharing personal struggles or intimate details.

Yet, in the midst of your crisis, when everything felt out of control and the world seemed to have narrowed to the confines of your bathroom floor, Ona’s name was the first to come to mind. You sat there, the cold tiles pressing against your legs, a razor gripped tightly in one hand, its cold edge a stark reminder of the darkness you were grappling with. Your thoughts were a swirling mix of desperation and confusion, and in that chaotic mental fog, Ona’s name emerged almost instinctively.

It was an odd choice, and you struggled to understand it yourself. Perhaps it was the nature of your relationship with her – though not deeply personal, it was still a connection that felt solid enough to offer some semblance of support. Sometimes, the familiarity of a person, even if not deeply entrenched, can provide a sense of comfort in moments of profound vulnerability. Ona had always been approachable and kind, traits that, despite the limited interaction, might have seemed reassuring in your current state.

There was also something to be said for the randomness of human emotion and instinct. In moments of deep distress, the mind often grasps at whatever feels familiar, even if it’s not the most logical choice. Ona, being someone who had always been friendly and supportive, perhaps embodied a sense of stability and kindness that was desperately needed in that moment.

“Hola?” Her voice came through the phone, laden with sleep, thick with the grogginess of having been abruptly roused from slumber. There was a softness to her tone, a slow, drowsy lilt that spoke of the deep relaxation she had been in just moments before. The initial, half-hearted curiosity in her voice quickly sharpened into something more alert as she processed the unusual hour and the unexpected call.

“I …” You began, but the words caught in your throat, tangled with the overwhelming emotions that had gripped you. Your voice trembled, barely more than a whisper, laden with a mixture of vulnerability and desperation. It was as if the sheer effort of making the call had drained you, leaving only a fragile thread of sound that barely carried your intent.

“Pequeña?” Ona’s voice was suddenly more awake, filled with concern. The fragility in your voice, so unlike the casual exchanges you had shared before, pierced through her initial drowsiness. The realisation that something was seriously wrong caused her to sit upright in bed, the sense of alarm and urgency pushing away the remnants of sleep.

“Help me,” you managed to utter, the words escaping in a pained whisper

You woke up in hospital. The room cold and sterile. The first thing you noticed was the biting chill that seemed to seep into your very bones, despite the layers of blankets draped over you. The air felt thin and clinical – you had never known such an impersonal space existed. The walls were a clinical shade of white, interrupted only by the occasional piece of medical equipment or the sparse, functional décor meant to provide minimal distraction. The lighting was bright and unyielding, casting a harsh glare that made the room feel even colder and more impersonal. The fluorescent lights overhead buzzed softly, their steady hum creating a rhythm that seemed oddly out of place.

Your bed, positioned at the centre of the room, was surrounded by a fortress of medical paraphernalia. An IV drip hung beside you, its clear fluids slowly trickling down a tube that was taped to your arm. The beeping of a heart monitor provided a steady, monotonous cadence, a reminder of the life support systems that were now a part of your immediate environment. The rhythmic sound was oddly comforting and unnerving all at once, a constant reminder of your current state and the care being provided.

The air was filled with a faint, antiseptic scent – a mix of cleaning agents and medicinal odours that seemed to hang in the atmosphere like an unwelcome guest. It was a smell that clung to everything, from the freshly laundered hospital sheets to the disposable gowns and sterile gloves that the medical staff wore.

There was a warm weight in your right hand. It took you a moment to realise what it was. A hand. A hand connected to an arm, that led to a shoulder, that was attached to a whole person. The fingers resting gently in your grasp were familiar and comforting, their gentle pressure offering a steady reassurance. You turned your head slightly, and through the haze of your groggy state, you saw the face of the person whose hand you were holding.

“Hi,” Ona smiled softly, her expression a blend of warmth and reassurance.

“Hi,” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper. It was a weak echo of her greeting, laden with the exhaustion and vulnerability you felt. Your gaze drifted to the hand still resting in yours. She followed your stare, squeezing gently when she realised what you were looking at.

 “The others have got to get food,” Ona continued, her voice gentle but firm. “It’s just us, if you want to talk.”

“What’s there to talk about?” you countered, the words a defense mechanism. If you denied it, it would all go away.

“Do not play dumb, pequeña.” Ona’s voice carried a note of gentle reproach. Her tone was soft but resolute.

“I …” you began, but the words seemed to falter before they could take shape. The enormity of your emotions was difficult to articulate, and the effort to speak felt almost insurmountable. You struggled to find the right words, your thoughts jumbled and disjointed.

But how could she truly understand? What little you knew about her life seemed almost painfully perfect by comparison. From the outside, Ona’s existence appeared to be a seamless tapestry of success and happiness. Her football career was thriving, each game a testament to her skill and dedication. She was admired and celebrated by teammates and fans alike, her talent on the field a source of pride and achievement.

Her relationship was also the stuff of dreams. Ona had Lucy, someone who seemed to bring out the best in her, their interactions marked by genuine affection and mutual support. They were often seen together, sharing moments of joy and laughter that spoke of a deep and abiding connection. Their bond was one of those rare partnerships that seemed to transcend the everyday challenges, offering a glimpse into a love that was both passionate and enduring.

Her circle of friends appeared to be equally ideal. They were supportive and loyal, always there for one another through thick and thin. The camaraderie and warmth of their friendship were evident in the way they interacted, their shared moments of happiness and mutual encouragement. It was a friendship that seemed to offer a solid foundation, a network of support that was both comforting and reliable.

And then there was her family – an image of stability and happiness. They were often seen together, their interactions filled with laughter and love. The family dynamic seemed to be one of mutual respect and genuine affection, a supportive backdrop to Ona’s life that added to the picture of her seemingly perfect existence.

In contrast, your own life felt chaotic and fraught with difficulties. The weight of your struggles seemed all the more daunting when juxtaposed against Ona’s polished image. It was easy to feel that her understanding of your pain was limited, that the perfection you saw in her life might somehow preclude her from fully grasping the depth of your own challenges. You wondered if her empathy was genuine or if it was simply a reflection of her innate kindness, an attempt to reach across the chasm of your differences and offer comfort despite the apparent disparity between your lives.

“If you don’t want to talk yet, that’s fine. But let me show you something.” She pushed up her sleeve.

C O N T ; N U E

“You’re not alone in this, pequeña. No one is ever alone.” Ona’s voice was steady, a soft but firm anchor amidst the storm. She shifted slightly, her fingers gently tracing over a tattoo on her arm. “I got this just after I moved to England,” she began, her tone becoming more reflective. “I felt so alone. I didn’t speak the language very well, I had no friends, and we were in lockdown. Everything was different.” Her gaze softened as she looked at the tattoo, her fingers moving lightly over its surface, as if the act itself was a form of remembering and honouring a past struggle.

The room seemed to grow quieter, the beeping of the monitors and the distant murmur of the hospital blending into a background hum as Ona continued. “I almost did it, y’know. I was really, really close – had the bottle and everything.” Her voice wavered slightly, a rare crack in the veneer of her composed exterior. “I haven’t even told Lucy this.” She laughed humourlessly.

“Why didn’t you?” you asked, the question hanging in the air.

Ona took a deep breath, her eyes meeting yours as she smiled gently. “Alessia knocked on my door. She noticed I looked a little down and came to check on me. I don’t know if she saw the pills or not, but she stayed with me all day.” The warmth in her eyes deepened as she spoke. “She asked me to teach her some Spanish, she taught me how to make pasta from scratch. She didn’t let me leave her side for three days. Even then, as soon as she left Tooney appeared.”

“Wh-why are you telling me this?” Your voice quivered, the words struggling to get out over the lump in your throat.

Ona’s eyes softened with a blend of compassion and determination. “So that you know you’re not alone,” she began, her voice steady and full of quiet resolve. “I don’t know the ins and outs of what you’re going through, but just know that I’m here, we all are. We aren’t going anywhere.” She promised.

She paused, allowing her words to settle, as if to let the depth of her meaning fully resonate. You blinked, trying to hold back the flood of emotions that were threatening to overwhelm you. Tears began to well up in your eyes. The tears were a mixture of relief and sadness.

“You are loved, pequeña. So, so loved. And we will be here for you, no matter what, no matter how long it takes.”

[p1astr81]

second chances

in which: Lando tries to get his ex girlfriend back.

pairing: Lando Norris x pop star!fem!reader

genre: angst/fluff

warnings: cursing

an: this is part 2 of “second place”, but I think it could also make sense as a stand-alone.

part 1

‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ ‧ *

Performing with the wound of a breakup fresh in your heart was difficult, but the roaring crowds and their endless support made it a little easier.

You just finished up yet another show, the twelfth one since you’d broken off things with Lando three weeks ago. Kiké—knowing how hard the breakup was for you—walked in silence next to you and you navigated the backstage area. He simply offered his presence, which was a mild—but much appreciated—comfort to you.

Your eyes were trained on the way the dim lights made your boots sparkle. The last song on the setlist was the most emotional for you. A love song written for Lando. You nearly cried while singing it, and were struggling to keep it together even now.

Kiké only left your side once you reached the door of your dressing room. “Can you travel on the bus with me again?” You asked him softly. Between the last city and this one, Kiké joined you on your tour bus. Usually, he’d fly between locations with the other dancers, but he was more then happy to spend time with you.

He nodded. “Absolutely. We have to finish our show.” He joked, getting a smile out of you.

You bade him goodbye, and stepping into your dressing room. As soon as the door was closed, you let the tears fall, letting the door support your weight as you tried to not crumple to the floor.

A soft call of your name broke through the sounds of your sobs. You gasped, straightening up and reaching for the door handle. Your flight response automatically ceased when your gaze met Lando’s.

Your eyes narrowed. “Shouldn’t you be in Spain?” The tone of your voice was venomous, but he chose not to take offense to it.

“Yes, but I wanted to see you.”

You scoffed at that. “Who even let you in here?”

“Your security. I assume you haven’t told them?” You didn’t answer his inquiry, but that was answer enough.

“Look, I know I treated you like shit and I was never here for you, but I want to be.” A little late for that, you wanted to say. But you settled for a roll of your eyes. “And these past weeks have made me realize that life without you sucks.”

A heavy sigh fell from your lips ass you pushed off the door. You wandered over to your desk, and began taking your makeup off. Lando, left in silence and without a response, continued to sit quietly on the couch.

You glanced at him through he mirror. He was fumbling around with his fingers. “You can’t just show up here and expect me to take you back.”

Lando met your eyes through the reflection. “I know. But I really do mean it. Even if we’re just friends, that’s enough for me.” The fact you hadn’t told him to fuck off yet was honestly a step in the right direction for him.

Your eyes found the cotton pad more interesting than him. “I don’t know. You made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of your time. You can’t just fix that with a sorry.”

He stood from his spot on the couch and cautiously stepped to your side. “I’ll be better. Every show I can squeeze into my schedule, I’ll be there.” He nodded.

Having missed the feel of your skin on his, he wanted to reach out, place a hand on your shoulder, or your arm. But he refrained from doing so.

Considering his proposition, you bit your lip. “You said that before, Lan.” You muttered. He heard the disappointment in your voice and wanted to curse himself out for it.

He nodded. “And I regret not following through but I promise this time. And if I don’t honor it, that’s it. I’ll never bother you again.”

It was a terrible idea. You knew it was. Opening your heart up to him again, giving him all the power to tear it in two once more, it was risky. But with a sigh, you accepted. “One slip up, Norris, and I’m blacklisting you from my shows.” You joked.

———

In the coming weeks, Lando honored his promise to its fullest extent, and then some. Even the shows you didn’t expect him to be at—the ones that fell on a Sunday night, only a few hours after a race—he was there.

He’d even spend a couple hours after the shows with you in your tour bus before he inevitably needed to catch a flight.

So after a month of him showing up consistently, and proving himself, you finally gave into him.

It was after one of your shows, you were sat in the tour bus as it stood stationary. The both of you were planted on the couch, your legs across Lando’s lap. You’d been talking for the last hour and a half about seemingly nothing. And then you licked your lips, and bit your lip softly before calling his name. He looked to you with big brown eyes like a little doe. “I think you’ve proved that you’ve changed.” Lando’s brows raised, hopeful. “And… if you’d still want to-“

“Yes.” He replied without even letting you finish. “Sorry.” His gaze shifted to his hands which sat on your bare legs. His cheeks went red. “Continue.”

You laughed and shook your head. “No, I think you got the point.” You sifted in your seat, and leaned forward to plant a gentle kiss on his cheek.

[sinful-sonnet]

Between Duty & Desire

Dbf!Joel Miller x babysitter f!Reader

word count: 5.7k

A continuation of this post

Warnings: smut, hair pulling, unprotected piv, I’m too lazy to add anymore lel

-

“You shouldn’t be doing that,” you say softly, though your voice betrays how much you don’t want him to stop. Your words are barely a whisper, but he hears them

Joel leans closer, the warmth of his breath brushing against your ear. “You’re too tense, sweetheart,” he murmurs. His voice is deep, velvet smooth, laced with exhaustion from the day but undeniably tender. His thumbs work against the knots in your shoulders, and you feel your resolve crumbling with every stroke.

“Joel,” you start, his name falling off your tongue before you can stop yourself. His hands still for a moment, and you swear you feel him tense behind you. It’s a line crossed—one you both acknowledge in the stillness of the room.

But then his hands resume their motion, slower this time, his touch more deliberate. “There you go,” he murmurs, almost like he’s soothing himself as much as you. “That’s better.”

You tilt your head to glance up at him, your eyes meeting his. The way he looks at you—soft, yet intense—makes your heart race. “You don’t have to take care of me,” you manage, though the words feel hollow.

“Don’t I?” His voice is soft, but his tone holds weight. He leans down, just enough so that you catch the faint scent of sawdust and soap clinging to him. “You’ve been lookin’ after Sarah all night. Least I can do is look after you.”

The air between you feels charged, heavy with unspoken words and desires. You should step away, remind yourself why this is a terrible idea. But instead, you let his hands linger, his touch grounding you in a way you didn’t realize you needed.

“Joel…” you whisper again, his name trembling on your lips. This time, it’s not a warning—it’s a plea.

He leans down further, his voice low and full of something you can’t quite name. “Tell me to stop,” he says, his fingers grazing the curve of your jaw. “And I will.”

You don’t. Instead, you turn slightly toward him, your breath hitching as his thumb brushes the corner of your mouth. The world narrows to just the two of you—the quiet hum of the house fading into nothingness as his eyes search yours.

“Sweetheart…” he starts, his voice barely above a whisper, but the sound of it sends a shiver down your spine.

And then, as if the pull is too strong to resist, his lips ghost over yours, hesitant but full of promise. It’s tentative, a question, waiting for an answer you’re too far gone to deny.

Your breath catches, and for a moment, the world feels like it’s standing still. Joel’s lips hover so close to yours that you can feel the heat radiating from him, but something in you snaps back to reality. You pull back abruptly, standing so quickly that the chair scrapes against the floor, breaking the quiet tension of the room.

“I—uh—should go,” you stammer, your heart hammering in your chest as you gather your books and shove them into your bag, your movements frantic and clumsy.

Joel straightens, his brow furrowing in confusion and something else—maybe regret. “Sweetheart—wait,” he says softly, his voice laced with concern.

You don’t look at him as you zip your bag shut, slinging it over your shoulder. “It’s late. I shouldn’t be keeping you up,” you say, trying to sound casual, but your voice betrays the swirl of emotions inside you. “Sarah’s asleep, so… my job’s done.”

“Darlin’, you don’t have to rush out,” Joel says, his voice gentler now, but you can hear the tension beneath it. He steps closer, his hands twitching like he wants to reach out but knows better.

You finally glance at him, forcing a polite smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. “Have a good night, Mr. Miller,” you say, your voice steady but distant, like you’re building a wall between you.

His jaw tenses at the formality, but he doesn’t stop you as you move toward the door. You can feel his eyes on you, heavy and searching, but you don’t look back.

“Drive safe,” he murmurs as you step outside, his voice barely audible over the quiet click of the door closing behind you.

As you make your way to your car, the cool night air bites at your skin, grounding you. Your hands shake as you start the engine, and as you pull out of the driveway, you can’t help but glance at the house one last time. The lights in the kitchen window glow softly, and you wonder if he’s still standing there, watching you leave.

Your chest aches, and you grip the steering wheel tighter, willing yourself to push the memory of his touch, his voice, and the almost-kiss out of your mind. This is for the best, you tell yourself, over and over, like a mantra.

But as you drive away, you know deep down that this moment will haunt you—his presence lingering like a shadow you can’t shake.

•

The next time you’re at Joel’s house, you feel different. Stronger. The fresh haircut and perfectly polished nails you decided to get are just surface changes—they symbolize a shift inside you, a decision to stop running and face things head-on. If Joel wants something from you, he’s going to have to show it. You won’t back down this time.

Sarah is asleep, tucked into her bed after a fun evening of games and giggles. Now, you’re sitting at the dining table again, but this time, you aren’t hiding behind your books or keeping your head down. Your posture is relaxed, your chin lifted. You’re ready.

When the door finally opens, you hear the familiar sounds of Joel’s return—the keys hitting the dish, the heavy thud of his boots. You don’t flinch, don’t rush to look busy. Instead, you wait, your heartbeat steady but your anticipation building.

Joel walks into the room, and the second he sees you, his steps falter just slightly. His eyes flicker over you—your hair, your nails, the way you’re sitting so calmly, waiting for him. His gaze lingers for a beat too long, and you see something flicker in his expression, something he’s trying to hold back.

“Evenin’,” he says, his voice low and familiar, but there’s a roughness to it, like he’s caught off guard.

“Evening, Mr. Miller,” you reply smoothly, your tone steady but with just enough of a challenge to make his brow twitch. You know he hates when you call him that now, and it’s exactly why you said it.

He exhales sharply, shaking his head as he sets his bag down on the counter. “Didn’t we talk about that?”

“We did,” you reply, leaning back slightly, your eyes meeting his with a calm confidence. “But you didn’t exactly say much about anything else, did you?”

That catches him off guard. He pauses, his hand still resting on the counter, his eyes narrowing slightly as he processes your words. “What’re you tryin’ to say, sweetheart?”

“I’m saying,” you start, standing up slowly and stepping around the table, closing some of the distance between you, “that I’m done pretending nothing’s going on here.”

Joel’s jaw tightens, his eyes searching yours. “And what exactly do you think’s goin’ on?” he asks, his voice softer now, like he’s afraid of the answer but can’t stop himself from asking.

You take another step closer, tilting your head slightly as you look up at him. “That’s up to you to tell me, Joel,” you say, your voice steady but your heart racing. “You keep looking at me like this, saying things that make me think you want something. But I’m not gonna sit here wondering anymore. You want me? Prove it.”

The room feels electric, the air thick with the weight of your words. Joel stares at you, his expression unreadable, but you can see the battle playing out behind his eyes—the push and pull of what he wants versus what he thinks is right.

Finally, he takes a slow step toward you, his eyes locked on yours. “You sure you’re ready for that?” he asks, his voice a low rumble, filled with both caution and desire.

You don’t look away, don’t falter. “I’m standing right here, aren’t I?”

For a moment, it’s like the whole world has stopped, the only sound in the room the quiet hum of the fridge in the kitchen. Then, Joel reaches out, his hand brushing lightly against yours, his touch tentative but charged with meaning.

“Alright,” he murmurs, his voice almost a whisper. “You want me to prove it? I will.”

“I’m waiting” you bat your eyelashes innocently at him

Joel's lips twitch into a faint smirk at your words, but there's a flicker of something deeper in his eyes— hesitation, caution, desire all tangled together.

He takes another slow step toward you, closing the distance until you can feel the heat radiating off him.

His gaze drops to your lips, lingering for a moment before locking onto your eyes.

"You're somethin' else, you know that?" he mutters, his voice low and rough, like he's struggling to hold himself back.

You tilt your head, a teasing smile playing on your lips as you bat your eyelashes again. "Maybe," you say softly. "But you're still stalling, Joel."

His jaw tightens, and you can see the internal battle raging within him. He's not a man who rushes into things, but there's something about the way you're looking at him-challenging him, daring him-that's unraveling every ounce of his restraint.

"I don't think you know what you're askin' for, sweetheart," he murmurs, his voice dropping even lower, almost a growl. "This ain't somethin' we can just take back."

You take a small step forward, your confidence unwavering. "Maybe I don't want to take it back."

That's all it takes. In an instant, Joel's resolve shatters. He closes the remaining space between you, his hand coming up to cup your jaw with a tenderness that makes your breath hitch. His thumb brushes against your cheek, and his eyes search yours one last time, as if giving you a chance to stop him.

But you don't. You're done hesitating, done running.

"I'm waiting," you whisper again, your voice steady but laced with anticipation.

And then his lips are on yours, firm yet gentle, like he's been holding back for far too long.

The kiss is slow at first, tentative, as if he's testing the waters.

But when you lean into him, your hands resting against his chest, he deepens it, his other hand sliding to your waist to pull you closer.

It's overwhelming-the way he smells, the way he tastes, the way his touch sets every nerve in your body alight.

You've imagined this moment, but nothing could have prepared you for how real, how intense it feels.

When he finally pulls back, his forehead resting against yours, you're both breathless.

His thumb strokes your cheek again as he whispers, "There. That enough proof for you?"

You let out a shaky breath, a smile tugging at your lips. "It's a start."

Joel chuckles softly, the sound vibrating against your chest. "Careful, darlin'" he murmurs, his voice warm and teasing.

"You might just get more than you bargained for."

You meet his gaze, your confidence never wavering. "I'm counting on it."

-

You don't wait for him to make the next move. Instead, you close the small gap between you, pressing your lips against his once more. This time, there's no hesitation. Your fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt as you slide your tongue along the seam of his lips, teasing him, challenging him to let you in.

Joel groans softly, a low, rough sound that sends a shiver down your spine. He opens his mouth to you, his tongue meeting yours in a slow, deliberate dance that makes your head spin. His hands tighten on your waist, pulling you even closer, like he can't stand the thought of any space between you.

The kiss deepens, becomes hungrier, more urgent. His lips are warm and soft, his stubble scratching against your skin in a way that's intoxicating. You feel his hand slide up your back, fingers brushing lightly against the nape of your neck as he tilts your head to deepen the kiss even further.

You pour every ounce of your frustration, your desire, your longing into the kiss, and he matches you beat for beat. It's raw and electric, a fire that's been simmering for far too long finally igniting.

When you finally pull back for air, your chest heaves as you struggle to catch your breath. Joel's forehead rests against yours, his dark eyes searching yours with a mix of desire and something softer, something deeper.

"Sweetheart..." he murmurs, his voice hoarse and filled with something you can't quite name. "You really are somethin' else."

You smirk, your confidence burning bright.

"Told you I was waiting."

He chuckles, low and warm, his thumb brushing along your jaw. "You sure you're ready for everything that comes with this?" he asks, his tone serious despite the teasing edge.

You nod, your resolve unshaken. "I'm not backing down, Joel. Not anymore."

His grip on you tightens slightly, his gaze holding yours. "Alright," he murmurs, his voice steady.

"Then let's see where this goes."

-

Your heart pounds as you look up at Joel, his grip firm but not controlling, his dark eyes studying you. Something inside you flares—a mix of confidence and curiosity. You want to see if you can take charge, see how far he's willing to let you lead.

You press your hands against his chest, pushing him gently but firmly back until the edge of the table catches him. He raises an eyebrow at you, a faint smirk playing on his lips, but he doesn't resist.

"What are you doin', sweetheart?" he asks, his voice low and rough, laced with curiosity and amusement.

You tilt your head, your eyes sparkling with mischief as you climb onto his lap, straddling him, your hands gripping his shoulders. "Showing you I'm not afraid,"

you say, your voice bold, unwavering.

"I'm not just gonna let you call the shots, Joel."

His smirk widens, his hands instinctively settling on your hips, fingers pressing into the fabric of your jeans. "That right?" he drawls, his tone teasing but edged with something darker, something thrilling. "You think you're in charge now?"

You lean in, your lips brushing against his ear as you whisper, "For now."

Without waiting for a reply, you kiss him again, this time with more force, more determination. Your tongue slides into his mouth, tangling with his, and you hear a low growl rumble from his chest. His hands tighten on your hips, pulling you closer, but he lets you set the pace, lets you take the lead.

You trail your hands up his chest, feeling the solid muscle beneath your fingertips, and his breath hitches when your nails scrape lightly against his skin through his shirt. You kiss him harder, your teeth nipping at his bottom lip before soothing the spot with your tongue. He lets out a soft curse, his grip on you momentarily tightening before he reins himself in.

His eyes darken, and for a moment, you think he might flip the script on you, take back control. But he doesn't-at least not yet. Instead, he lets you continue, his hands roaming your sides, his lips parting for you every time you claim him.

You feel powerful, exhilarated, but there's an undercurrent of tension, a silent promise in the way his fingers grip your waist. Joel might be letting you take charge for now, but you know it's only because he's allowing it. There's a storm brewing in his restraint, and you can't help but wonder what will happen when it finally breaks.

Joel pulls back from the kiss, his breathing uneven, his forehead resting against yours. His grip on your waist tightens just enough for you to feel the quiet power in his hands—a reminder that while he's let you take the lead, he hasn't truly surrendered.

His eyes lock onto yours, smoldering with an intensity that makes your breath catch. There's heat there, yes, but also something deeper, something unspoken that makes the air between you crackle.

"You're somethin' else," he mutters, his voice low and rough, the Texan drawl thick enough to send a shiver down your spine. "Pushin' me like this... You sure you know what you're gettin' into?"

His words hang in the air, a challenge and a warning all wrapped in one. But you're not backing down. Not now. You lift your chin slightly, your eyes never leaving his as you tighten your grip on his shoulders.

"I know exactly what I'm doing," you say, your voice steady but laced with a teasing edge. "The question is-do you?"

Joel chuckles softly, the sound rumbling deep in his chest. "You've got a sharp tongue, darlin'" he says, his hands sliding up your sides, slow and deliberate. "But let me tell you somethin!"

His grip shifts, his hands settling firmly on your hips as he leans in, his lips brushing against your ear. His voice drops even lower, a whisper that sends heat pooling in your stomach.

"There's only so much of this I'm gonna let you get away with," he murmurs, the warning clear in his tone. "You keep pushin, and I'm gonna remind you who's really in charge here."

The words send a thrill through you, but you're not ready to give in yet. You lean back just enough to meet his gaze, your lips curling into a defiant smile.

"Maybe I want you to remind me," you say, your voice soft but daring.

Joel's eyes darken further, his grip on you tightening just enough to make your heart race. For a moment, he just stares at you, his expression unreadable, as though he's deciding whether to rise to your challenge or let you keep playing this dangerous game.

Then, with a suddenness that leaves you breathless, he flips the dynamic entirely. His hands grip your waist firmly, lifting you effortlessly off his lap and setting you on the edge of the table. He steps between your knees, his hands braced on either side of you, caging you in.

"You've had your fun, sweetheart," he drawls, his voice low and commanding, his eyes burning into yours. "Now it's my turn."

Joel's lips trail down your neck, the warmth of his breath sending a shiver down your spine as he nips and sucks at the sensitive skin just below your ear.

Each touch is deliberate, possessive, as though he's staking his claim. You tilt your head back slightly, letting him have his way, the sensation overwhelming and intoxicating.

His hands slide up your thighs, the roughness of his palms a stark contrast to the softness of your skin. His grip tightens as he pulls you closer to the edge of the table, his strength undeniable as he presses his body flush against yours. The solid heat of him grounds you, even as your heart races.

"You're mine, princess," he growls against your neck, his voice low and rough, sending a jolt of electricity straight through you. "And don't you ever forget it."

His words make your breath hitch, the possessiveness in his tone igniting something deep within you. You want to challenge him, to push back against his dominance, but the way he holds you, the way he speaks to you, makes it impossible to do anything but surrender—for now.

Your hands slide up his chest, gripping the fabric of his shirt as you pull him closer. "Is that so?" you whisper, your voice daring but breathless. "Then maybe you should show me, Joel."

His eyes darken at your words, his gaze locking onto yours with a fire that takes your breath away. "You keep askin' for it," he mutters, his voice low and dangerous, "and I'm gonna give it to you. But you better be ready for what comes next, sweetheart."

The challenge in his words makes your pulse quicken, but you nod, your confidence unwavering. "I can handle it."

Joel smirks, a wicked, knowing grin that sends heat flooding through you. "We'll see about that." His lips crash against yours again, his kiss searing and unapologetic, leaving no room for doubt about who's in charge now.

Joel's kiss is overwhelming, consuming, leaving no space for thought or hesitation. His lips are firm against yours, his tongue demanding as it tangles with yours. He's not holding back anymore-every touch, every movement speaks of a man who's been pushed past his limits.

His hands grip your thighs tighter as he presses you more firmly against the edge of the table, his body flush against yours. The way he moves, the way he holds you, leaves no doubt in your mind—he's in control now, and he's making sure you know it.

"You've got no idea what you've started, darlin'" he growls against your lips, his voice thick with a mix of frustration and desire. "But you're gonna find out real quick."

You gasp as his lips return to your neck, his teeth grazing the sensitive skin before he sucks just hard enough to leave a mark. The sensation sends a shiver down your spine, and you can't help the soft moan that escapes your lips. His hands slide up further, his thumbs brushing against your hips, teasing you, testing your resolve.

"Still think you're the one in charge?" he murmurs against your skin, his voice dripping with smug amusement.

You tilt your head slightly, your breath hitching as you try to regain some of your earlier confidence. "Maybe I just wanted to see if you could keep up."

Joel chuckles, a low, rumbling sound that vibrates against your neck. "Keep up?" he repeats, pulling back just enough to meet your gaze, his eyes dark and piercing.

"Sweetheart, you've got no idea what you've gotten yourself into."

His words are a promise, a warning, and a challenge all at once. He presses his forehead against yours, his breath warm against your lips.

"You think you can push me like this and come out on top?" His hand slides up, cupping the side of your face, his thumb brushing against your cheek with a gentleness that contrasts sharply with the intensity in his eyes. "Let me make somethin' real clear."

His lips crash against yours again, this time even more commanding, more consuming. His kiss leaves you breathless, his hands gripping you like he's afraid to let go. It's a battle of wills, but one you're losing-and you're not even sure you mind.

Joel's kiss grows fiercer, more demanding, as he takes full control. His tongue delves deeper, exploring your mouth with a hunger that leaves you breathless. His teeth catch your bottom lip, nipping just enough to send a jolt through you before soothing it with his tongue, as if he's both punishing and rewarding you for pushing him this far.

His hands grip your hips firmly, pulling you even closer, until there's no space left between you. His body pins you against the table, his weight pressing you down as his hips grind against yours. The friction is electrifying, sending heat surging through you, and you can't help the soft gasp that escapes your lips.

"You feel that?" he murmurs against your lips, his voice rough and low, dripping with desire. "That's what you do to me, sweetheart. You've been teasin' me, pushin' me-and now, you're gonna take all of it."

The evidence of his arousal presses firmly against you, a stark, undeniable reminder of just how much power he has in this moment. But it's not just physical-it's the way he looks at you, the way he touches you, the way he speaks to you. Every word, every movement is calculated, deliberate, meant to show you exactly who's in control.

Your breath catches as his lips trail down your neck again, his teeth grazing your skin before he sucks hard enough to leave another mark. His hands roam your body, possessive and firm, as if he's memorizing every curve, every reaction. He's relentless, and you can feel yourself surrendering completely to him, letting him take whatever he wants.

"You wanted this, didn't you?" Joel growls, his voice a mixture of amusement and raw desire. "You wanted me to take control, to show you who you belong to."

You can barely form a coherent thought, let alone a response. All you can do is nod, your hands gripping his shoulders as you cling to him, completely at his mercy.

Joel then lifts you up and carries you to the living room. He lays you down on the couch, positioning you so that you're bent over the arm. He stands behind you, his hands quickly unbuttoning and removing your pants.

He lets out a low growl as he takes in the sight of you, completely at his mercy and vulnerable to his touch.

“God, look at you,” he murmurs, his voice rough with desire. “Bent over like a good girl for me.”

He groans as you push your ass against him, the feeling of your body against his making him even harder. He grabs your hips, holding you still as he leans over you.

“Needy little thing, aren’t you?” he murmurs, his breath hot against your ear. “Can’t get enough of me, can you?”

Joel grabs a fistful of your hair and pulls “tell me how much you need me darlin’”

You gasp as he grabs your hair, the sting of his grip sending a jolt of pleasure through you.

“I need you so much,” you whimper, your voice shaky with desire. “Please, Joel.. I need you to touch me.”

He circles his fingers around your clit, applying just enough pressure to make you moan. He knows your body well, knows exactly how to touch you to make you squirm and beg for more.

He continues to tease you, his lips moving up to your ear as he whispers in a low, husky voice.

“That feel good, princess?”

You nod frantically, your body arching against his touch as you let out a needy whimper.

“Y-yes, Joel.. please.. more..”

He smirks against your skin, pleased with your response. He loves the way you beg for him, the way you give yourself over to him completely.

He continues to circle your clit with his fingers, his touch growing firmer as he increases the pressure.

“Such a good girl,” he murmurs, his voice low and filled with satisfaction. “Begging for me like that..”

He leans down, his lips moving to your ear once again as he whispers in a low, commanding tone.

“Say it again,” he growls. “Tell me how much you need me to make you feel good.”

You shiver at the command in his voice, your body trembling with need.

“I need you so badly,” you whimper, your voice shaking with desire. “Please, Joel.. I need you to make me cum. I need you to make me feel good..”

You whimper in response, unable to do anything but let out a series of desperate, needy sounds as his fingers continue to work their magic against your clit. You're completely at his mercy, your body trembling and your mind filled with a haze of pleasure.

He knows he has you exactly where he wants you, completely surrendered to his touch and his control.

He moves quickly, unable to wait any longer to be inside you. He grabs your hips, positioning himself at your entrance as he looks down at you with a mixture of hunger and desire.

“I can’t hold back anymore,” he growls, his voice rough with need.

Joel pushes into you in one swift, powerful thrust, filling you completely in one movement. He lets out a low groan, his fingers digging into your hips as he struggles to control himself.

“God, you feel so good..” he murmurs, his voice ragged with pleasure. “So tight and perfect around me..”

He begins to move, his thrusts slow and deep at first, savoring the feeling of being inside you. But as his control starts to slip, his pace quickens, each thrust becoming more and more forceful.

“You like this don’t you darlin,” he growls, his voice possessive and dominant.

You nod desperately, your mind consumed by the pleasure he’s giving you. Every thrust sends waves of ecstasy through your body, making it hard to think or speak.

“Yes.. I love it,” you manage to gasp out, your voice hoarse with pleasure. “I love feeling you inside me..”

He grins, pleased by your response. He can feel your body trembling beneath him, can feel you clenching around him as he drives deeper and deeper into you.

“That’s it, princess,” he murmurs, his voice filled with possessive satisfaction. “Let me hear you say it.. tell me how much you need me to claim you..”

You just let out a loud moan as you come undone.

He groans as you come around him, your body clenching tightly around his cock. He continues to thrust into you, struggling to hold back his own release as he looks over at Sarah's door, making sure it's still shut.

He doesn't want her to see or hear any of this.. he doesn't want anyone to know how he's claiming you, how he's making you his in every way possible..

He grabs your hips, pulling you back onto him as he thrusts harder and faster, chasing his own release. He's close, so close to the edge, and the sight of you coming undone beneath him only pushes him further.

“Fuck.. I’m gonna fill you up,” he growls, his voice strained

His grip on your hips tightens as he continues to pound into you, his pace becoming erratic and desperate. He can feel his orgasm building, the pleasure building up until it’s almost unbearable.

“Take it.. take all of it,” he grunts, his voice hoarse with need. “I’m gonna fill you up so good, princess..”

His hips stutter and his grip on you tightens even more as he reaches his peak. With one final, deep thrust, he buries himself inside you and cums with a guttural groan, his release spilling into you in hot, pulsing waves.

He leans over you, his body trembling as he rides out his orgasm, his face buried in your neck as he tries to catch his breath.

Joel leans over you, his strong arms braced on either side of you, his body trembling as he lets the intensity of the moment consume him. His forehead presses against the back of your neck, his warm breath ghosting over your skin as he tries to steady himself, both of you still caught in the aftershocks of everything you’ve shared.

For a long moment, the room is filled with nothing but the sound of his labored breathing and the faint hum of the world outside. His face remains buried against your neck, his stubble scraping lightly against your skin in a way that feels both grounding and intimate. You can feel the weight of him, his warmth pressing into you, a tangible reminder of the connection you’ve just forged.

“Sweetheart…” he finally murmurs, his voice low and gravelly, tinged with both exhaustion and something softer. His hand slides down to rest on your hip, his touch gentler now, almost reverent.

You turn your head slightly, your breathing still uneven as you meet his gaze over your shoulder. His dark eyes are softer now, the fiery intensity replaced with a quiet tenderness that makes your chest tighten.

“I told you,” he says softly, his lips brushing against your ear. “You’ve got no idea what you do to me.”

You let out a breathless laugh, your body still tingling from the overwhelming sensations. “I think I might have an idea now,” you reply, your voice teasing but filled with warmth.

Joel chuckles softly, the sound low and rumbling as he shifts slightly, wrapping an arm around your waist to pull you upright against his chest. He holds you there, his grip firm but comforting, as if he’s afraid to let go.

-

Joel steps back, his hands lingering on your waist for a moment before he finally lets go, his touch warm and steady despite the nervous laugh that escapes him. He rubs the back of his neck, his expression softening as he looks at you, a mixture of concern and tenderness in his eyes.

“I got a little carried away there,” he admits, his voice low, the faintest hint of guilt creeping in. “Are you alright?”

You turn to face him, brushing your hair back from your face as you meet his gaze. There’s no hesitation in your voice when you reply. “Yes, I’m fine.” You offer him a small, reassuring smile before adding, “But… would it be okay if I took, like… a bath? Maybe?”

Joel blinks, his lips twitching into a faint smile as he lets out a soft chuckle. “’Course it’s okay,” he says, his voice warm and genuine. “You don’t even have to ask, sweetheart. Go on—I’ll make sure Sarah stays asleep.”

You nod, your smile growing as the tension in the room begins to ease. “Thanks, Joel.”

He gestures toward the hallway. “Bathroom’s down the hall. I’ll grab you some towels.”

As you head toward the bathroom, you hear him rummaging through a closet, his quiet movements a comforting presence even as you step away. When you reach the door, he appears a moment later with a neatly folded towel in one hand and a soft smile on his face.

“Here,” he says, handing it to you. His fingers brush against yours briefly, and for a moment, his gaze lingers, his eyes searching yours as if to make sure you’re really okay.

“Thank you,” you say softly, your voice steady but laced with sincerity.

Joel nods, stepping back to give you space. “Take your time,” he says. “I’ll be here if you need anything.”

You close the door behind you, the warmth of his presence still lingering as you turn on the faucet and let the sound of running water fill the room. As the tub begins to fill, you take a deep breath, letting the events of the evening wash over you. Whatever happens next, you know one thing for sure: Joel cares, and that thought alone makes you feel a little more grounded.

A/N: \(//∇//)\ i seriously can’t get enough of dbf!joel…send me to horny jail now

[redvexillum]

PSA: RACISM, BIGOTRY, ENTITLEMENT IN HAZBIN HOTEL FANDOM

CONTENT WARNING: Inflammatory hate speech, White hate, political baiting, gaslighting, racism, death threats

The messages I’ve received and am addressing below contain upsetting and harmful language that has no place in any community. If these topics are distressing to you, please prioritize your well-being and feel free to stop reading here. Thank you for taking care of yourself.

I never imagined I would find myself addressing this, but here we are. This post is regarding my recent story, Stay With Me, which has stirred up unexpected controversy due to my decision to imply the reader’s race as white. I want to clarify that this choice was made purely for plot purposes.

The story is set in 1920s Louisiana, a time and place where racial and class dynamics were deeply significant. This backdrop was essential to the narrative’s themes of tension and forbidden love, as it explores the societal barriers that would have made a relationship between Alastor and the reader virtually impossible. The decision to depict the reader as an upper-class white individual was not arbitrary—it was intentional, aimed at heightening the drama and emotional weight of their story.

I deeply value the Hazbin Hotel fandom and the x-reader community. Writing for this space has brought me immense joy, and I’ve formed wonderful connections with both readers and fellow writers. That’s why receiving such hateful and inflammatory messages has been incredibly disheartening. The accusations of racism, the vitriol, and the twisting of my creative choices into something they were never meant to be—this has shaken me more than I can express.

To the anonymous senders of these messages: I want to make it clear that my work comes from a place of love and passion. My intention has always been to tell compelling stories that explore complex emotions, societal norms, and the human condition—stories that resonate with readers on a deeper level. To reduce my work to a political agenda or an act of prejudice is deeply hurtful and entirely unfounded.

I want to echo sentiments shared by Kit (please check out her explanation here), another writer in the fandom, who also explored the racial and class dynamics between characters. Like them, I am fascinated by the tension and drama that arise from star-crossed love stories, particularly when societal laws and prejudices forbid such relationships. Writing the reader as white in this context wasn’t about excluding or favoring anyone—it was about creating an authentic narrative rooted in the realities of the era.

For those questioning why I made this choice, I ask: if you can suspend disbelief to fall in love with a cannibalistic, asexual deer demon, why is the reader’s race—chosen for specific plot reasons—the line you cannot cross? My goal as a writer is to craft stories that make sense within their own context. The entitlement to demand otherwise, or to impose personal prejudices onto my work, is unfair and unwarranted.

I hate that I’ve had to turn off anonymous asks. Some of the most heartfelt and hilarious messages I’ve received have come from anonymous users, and losing that connection with my readers pains me. But unfortunately, the actions of a loud, hateful minority have left me with no choice. I will not entertain further discourse on this matter after this post.

To those who have supported me, who have read my stories and shared kind words: thank you. Your encouragement is what keeps me going. Writing for this fandom has been a labor of love, and I pour my heart and soul into every piece I create—for free, might I add. It’s devastating to feel that love overshadowed by hostility.

I won’t let this stop me from creating, but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t made me question my place here. To anyone who feels entitled to tear down what others create out of hatred or spite: I hope you take a moment to reflect on the harm your words can cause.

To my true supporters: I appreciate you more than words can express. Your kindness reminds me why I love writing in the first place. Thank you for standing by me.

[hannamoon143]

Die with a Smile

Nobody‘s promised tomorrow

So imma love you every night like it‘s the last night

Cause i wanna hold you just for a while, and die with a smile

༘⋆ ❅ ･:*:｡ ❆

Words: 5,2k

Genre: angst, fluff, comfort(…?), christmas

Hyunjin x fem. Reader

Warnings: Cancer!!!! So sickness, food, crying, sickingly sweet fluff, fears, , all i want for christmas by mariah carey (yes that needs a warning),death,non-sexual nudity (they r just bathing), cinnamon (sorry but- warning needed),

A/n: hi! I had so much fun writing this, and it‘s also for the StayblrHolidayEvent . I hope yall enjoy this also since it‘s my first christmas fic. Also as u can see it’s a bit inspired from die with a smile (bruno mars & lady gaga). Basically It’s just those lines i wrote over there kinda inspired me how to write the emotions and thoughts and stuff. So now, take ur hot chocolate, a fuzzy blanket and read! Merry christmas and happy holidays to yall🎄💕✨

You were laying down next to hyunjin, watching the other guys in front of you, while he was sketching most probably them or the decorated livingroom, or just the whole scene in front of him. Felix, Chan and Minho had come over, and now they were laughing as they decorated your tree, the rest of the livingroom, and singing christmas songs. The christmas joy had definitely taken over them, also if you couldn‘t really feel anything of it.„Don‘t you wanna get up and help them?“ Hyunjin mumbled quietly to you, not looking up from his sketch. He did that so often lately. He sketched simple scenes or things he saw, shutting almost everything else out. As if he wanted to remember everything to the smallest detail. „No, i‘m good here with you.“ You responded, laying your head on his shoulder. He sighed quietly, and kept drawing in silence for a while, the only noise was the guys bantering and christmas songs playing in the background. Then he spoke up again, quietly. „Y/nnie, you don‘t have to always sit around me and baby me alright? Don‘t think i don‘t know why you are doing this, and don‘t think i didn‘t hear you crying in the bathroom. I‘m well aware of the situation, but why can‘t we just make the best out of it? I feel like all this is getting to you more than to me, when it‘s literally me who is going to die.“ You froze at his words.

Last christmas, hyunjin had been diagnosed with cancer, and the worst was it was a type that could never be healed. They had told you that he had about one more year to live. That time you broke down entirely, and already there it was you who seemed to be more affected than him. But over a bit time you started acting normal again, not constantly being around him and doing everything for him. But now the year was coming to an end, and christmas was standing on the frontdoor. With that everything came back. You suddenly were all over him, not once leaving his side, and everytime he wanted to get up or something you pressed him down and did whatever he wanted to do for him.

The worst was you could feel it. Somewhere inside you had always hoped that the doctors were just wrong and hyunjin wouldn’t die in the next sixty years. But you saw that they were right. The way he slowly began to always eat a bit less than before, the way the circles under his eyes got darker, and his cheekbones more visible. You hated it. You didn’t hate him of course, you could never, but you hated this stupid cancer and what it was doing to your hyunjin. It was taking him painfully slow out of this world. With him getting worse you were too. You wanted to be strong for him, and for him to have the happiest last christmas ever but you couldn’t help it, the weight of the fact that soon he wouldn’t be there anymore was dragging you down too much, when you knew that it only hurt him more to see you like this, altough you always tried to hide it.

So there you were now. You stiffened and took your head off his shoulder, to look him in the eye. „Don‘t say it like that hyun-“

„No, i will in fact say it like that, cause i‘m not gonna lie to any of us for longer.I know that i‘m going to die, and you know it too okay? So why can‘t we enjoy the time left, and just do everything like we used to, instead of you constantly acting like i‘m some kind of fragile doll that could break at any moment? You acting like a overprotective mom isn‘t gonna change a single thing, as much as it hurts to hear that. Think about it y/n. Because i don‘t want to sit on this couch or in my bed the rest of my life. I‘m not doing this y/n.“ His voice was thick with emotion, and he had kicked his sketchbook away. He stood up, in fact needing a bit time to get up, and to lean onto the wall, but he went into your room, shutting the door. You stared at the closed door, with an empty hollow gaze. The other guys now excused themself and left. But before he left, chan said to you with a guilty smile: „Not everything he said is true, but you should think about some parts. Bye y/nnie.“

Now you were left alone in the silence. Hyunjin’s sketchbook was laying open on the floor, and the pages were a bit scaped now. He was going to be mad at himself for that later. You picked it up, wanting to close it, but then you saw his sketch from today. It wasn’t the scene in front of him, it was you, looking a bit sad. Under the drawing he wrote

My sad girl, 2024

When is she gonna be my happy girl again?

A tear ran down your cheek. He was always very empathetic and he hated when you felt down. Why hadn‘t you thought of the fact that you being like this only weighed him more down?

You cuddled up under the blanket that was still warm from hyunjin, tears slowly falling down. You knew he was right. Of course he wanted to enjoy his life, as long as he was still able to. Because no matter what you were going to do, it wasn‘t gonna change anything anyways, so why not enjoy instead of being sad and regretful when he was still with you, still breathing, still being able to smile at you?

After a while you could finally get yourself to go to him again. You braced yourself and got up, knocking on the door of your shared room. He just faintly sniffled. You opened the door slowly, seeing him huddled up under a blanket. He was crying, and it broke your heart. Hyunjin was a sensitive guy, and he hated arguing with loved ones more than anything, so you should have known that this would get to him, also if he was acting careless and tough. You kept being quiet, just sitting down on your side of the bed. You started stroking his hair, at wich he only started crying more. After a while of being like this in silence, the only sounds his quiet crying and the air cnditioner in the background, he lowered the blanket and looked at you with red eyes. „I don‘t want to die either y/n. I just… i‘m trying to be strong cause you are hurting so much,and i‘m so sorry for leaving you alone my love-“ His voice broke, and more tears spilled over onto his red cheeks. You opened your arms for him, and he didn‘t hesitate. He immediately moved a bit so his head was laying on your chest now. Quickly you wrapped your arms around him, kissing his head, while a few tears trailed down your cheeks too. Of course you knew. „I know, i know hyunnie. But you don‘t need to be strong all the time. I can‘t cure the cancer, but we are in this together. You can tell me how you feel, and i will give you space when you need it, but be by your side whenever you want it too. And i also promise to not act like a overprotective mom anymore.“ He chuckled a bit through his tears at that, wich made you do so too. „See, everything‘s okay. You are not alone, and as long as we can spend time together, i’ll be with you, trying to make your time left the best you ever had. How about tomorrow we make a christmas day? Like we go to the christmas market, bake gingerbread in the afternoon and sing christmas songs, all while we have ugly christmas sweaters on?“ you both started laughing, the tears finally stopping. He nodded,his face squished against your hoodie now, and his breathing was evening out. Maybe you really shouldn‘t take everything that serious. Because now it wasn‘t that point where you would have to say goodbye. You had no idea how much, but you had some time left to spend together, and you would try to make the best out of it. You would love him till the very end, and even after that, you‘d still do so. And as long as he was next to you would also tell him that, and make sure that when he had to go, he would do so in peace. So you closed your eyes, and in this little moment, everything that mattered was hyunjin, entirely squished against you, and you, holding him, as long as you could. The stars could have looked down at you two that night, and altough hyunjin was sick, and paths of the tears that you both cried earlier still lingered on your cheeks, they would have seen you two shine brighter than ever, the light not leaving, as long as you were together.

Prove reading done* until there ^

The next morning you woke up, a white comforter draped over you, and you almost had a heart attack when hyunjin was nowhere near. But then you saw him, walking in with a big grin, and one of the matching ugly christmas sweaters you had bought together sometime on.You started laughing, still half asleep and in a groggy voice. „You look…. Interesting.“ hyunjin laughed and threw something at you. It was your christmas sweater. You sighed, and you did your best to put a serious face on. His smile dropped. „Oh no- no- don‘t say you changed your mind.“ You broke out in a laugh and jumped up, putting the sweater over your pajama shirt. „God you are going to make me die even sooner with the heart attacks you give me.“ Hyunjin dramatically exhaled, gripping his chest. You just rolled your eyes at that. You were glad he was his usual dramatic self, the weight in the room that you both somehow created the past weeks, seemingly gone, replaced by a lighthearted joyful mood.

So you dressed the rest of yourself, grabbed your things and left the apartment with hyunjin. He had insisted to eat waffles at his favorite coz cafe around the corner, and not have one of your healthy breakfasts at home. You had given in, so now you were walking there, both wrapped up in coats, and fuzzy scarfs. It was cold outside, and the wind blew. There were faint smells of gingerbread and cinnamon in the air, telling you it was really getting christmas now. Well christmas was already tomorrow so how could it be different? You went into the cafe and hyunjin picked a spot at the window. On the pastell green walls there were everywhere pretty pictures, and the chairs were all different, each one looking vintage and really comfy. You ordered two waffles and two hot chocolates. As you sat there in the cozy fluffy chair, you looked at him. He looked the same as yesterday, and the days before but something was different. It wasn‘t the pink shade on his nose from the cold, or neither the Christmas sweater. No, it was that his eyes sparkled. They sparkled like they didn‘t in a long time. Maybe he was right? Maybe this was what he needed, not your experimental healthy food (that didn’t even taste good, eugh) and constant sitting around at home. Hyunjin shook you out of your thoughts. „Why are you staring?“

You shook your head with a little smile. „You‘re pretty today.“

He just laughed, assuming you were joking because of the sweater.

Your waffles and hot chocolate were served and hyunjin got excited like a kid, and immediately started munching them. You giggled, and secretly took a picture with your phone. Then you started eating too. The waffles tasted like christmas and happiness. You had never eaten such good waffles before. Maybe it was also just the feeling to sit here and eat them with hyunjin, entirely lighthearted and happy for the first time in weeks. As you were highly concentrated on your food, hyunjin suddenly spoke up. „I love you, you know that? And i always will, even when you can‘t see me anymore. But don‘t worry, i‘ll look at you getting older, achieving your dreams, and doing everything you want to, because i know you’ll do so well, even without me. And i‘ll protect you, from wherever i will be going. You‘ll always be my muse y/n.“ He sounded sincere, not sarcastic like when he was being dramatic, though he kept on eating his waffles, like he didn‘t just say something that almost made you cry and want to hold him for the rest of your life. You looked at him, tears building up a bit behind your eyes. „Hyunnie… I love you too, and always will. I don‘t know if i ever can fully move on though,… because i will always think of you when i look at the moon shining bright on the dark night sky, or when i look at the town around christmastime, everything tinted in a soft glow and everything smelling like gingerbread.“ You said, but you weren‘t as desperate and almost seeming like you would break down at any moment, like it was just a few days ago when he started talking about his death. No, you were calm, and a little, sad smile played on your lips. He was done with his waffles now, and leaned over the table to cup your cheek in his warm hand. „It‘s okay y/nnie. Grieving i a natural and healthy part of when someone you love is dying. And it‘s okay to cry, scream or vent to someone. But please don‘t do all that alone hm? I talked to the boys a few days ago, and they have all grown so close to you too over the years, they will support you, and you can grieve together. Know that you are not alone y/n, never. And i‘ll always be somewhere in there.“ He pointed at where your heart was. „And you are the strongest, bravest woman i know, so i know that you will be able to somewhat move on someday. Oh but i have one little request. Please never forget me, no matter what you choose to do in the future. I like the idea of you being reminded of me when looking at the moon or while the christmas season. I hope you are being reminded of me in a good way though, and not like a haunting nightmare way.“ He chuckled at the last part a bit. And you smiled too.

„I would never forget you love, and don’t worry about it, you‘ll always be my dream, never my nightmare.“

„Oh but one more thing. Don’t be afraid of me dying, while i’m still here. Everything is gonna be okay.“ He smiled. You both looked into each other‘s eyes for a moment there, and it felt like nothing else was existing right now. No other people, no sadness, and no cancer. Just hyunjin‘s mesmerizing dark eyes looking into yours.

You two were walking out the cafe, hand in hand, now going to the little christmas market hyunjin adored since you took him there for the first time. Since then he didn‘t spend a singly christmas season without going there.

Your breaths were coming out in little white clouds, and you put your head on hyunjin‘s shoulder. He took his hand out of yours,and instead lovingly wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you close, and pressing a kiss to your head. You loved when he did that. If only you could stop time now, and walk in the joyful town forever with your boyfriend.

But soon you heard happy children‘s laughter, and smelled cinammon. No doubt that there was the christmas market. Hyunjin started smiling like crazy. He loved the fact that he got to see this for the last time with you. No, he wouldn’t be sad that it was the last time today, and regret things. No, he would just be so, so glad to spend this day here, forgetting the cancer that usually weighed him down, for a while. It seemed like a gift that he got this day, being with his favorite person in probably his favorite place.

Soon enough he saw a stand, with cute handmade christmas decorations. He immediately went over there, and made a adorable noise.

„Looooook y/n, it‘s a ferret with a scarf, and it looks like my scarf! We need to adopt him and hang him on our tree. I feel our bond, so no arguing on this one.“ He said dead serious. You laughed, looking at the ferret. You almost forgot how excited hyunjin always got at the christmas market, and how you had to convince him to not buy literally everything he saw. But you nodded on this one, the little deco really looking a bit like hyunjin right now, with his cute red nose and the adorable smile on his face. He went to the man who was selling it, and even gave him more money than the ferret costed. The guy happily wished him merry christmas and waved. Hyunjin just loved to make people happy, and why not do that especially now? He took your hand in his again, walking by the other stands, the shimmer of the fairylights hanging on all the stands mirroring the one in his eyes. As you were slowly walking, you, literally trying to convince hyunjin to not buy a gigantic wolf statue from the eighteenth century for chan(He was so silly, he had to gift everyone the most random things for christmas with the simple explanation: I saw that and thought of you), you suddenly felt something cold on your face. Hyunjin seemed to feel it too, because he looked up and immediately his whole face lit up even more if that was possible. „Omg Y/n it‘s snowing! This is just a perfect day, even the weather with it‘s beautiful snow is on our side.“ He talked, not really paying attention to what he was saying, just mesmerized by the white crystals.

Sometimes you took a bit time, just to admire the way he got excited over little things, in a way you would usually see it only with kids. Those moments, when joy was literally radiating from him you felt so much love and admiration for him that you could combust. You just wanted to snap a hundred pictures with that adorable smile and the shine in his eyes, and keep them forever in your heart. You brushed his hair out of his face, and your hand lingered on his cheek for a bit longer. „You‘re right hyun, this is the perfect day.“ You whispered. He just continued smiling, then lowered down to kiss you. You didn‘t feel the cold snow on your skin anymore, only your boyfriends soft lips, that tasted like cinammon and warmness, pressed to yours. As you pulled away, your foreheads were resting against each other, and you felt his warm breath on your face. „Let‘s go home now, then we can bake gingerbread and show mini Jinnie his new home.“ you giggled at his words, and nodded, your eyes not leaving his.

You walked through your apartment door, both of you giggling like lovesick fools. You took your shoes and coat off, but suddenly your feet got sweeped off the floor, and you were being carried by hyunjin. „Yah, stop it!! The doctor said no heavy lifting!“ You slapped his arm in an attempt to make him let you down but you couldn‘t even hold in your own laugh. He shook his head and dramatically said: „If not now, then when should i carry you bridal style, my lady?“ You playfully slapped his arm again and threw your head back in laughter. He just fondly smiled, lowering his head down to kiss you on the cheek, and then he carried you into the kitchen. The other guys seemed to also have decorated the kitchen because beautiful fairy lights were hung over the stoves, and some more decoration, including a mistletoe, was placed perfect. When hyunjin stopped under the mistletoe you started shaking your head. „No jinnie don‘t. Please, that‘s so cheesy,don‘t do it.“ You whined, knowing exactly he would in fact do it.He grinned and asked „May i?“ He didn‘t wait for an answer, he just softly laid his lips on yours, the kiss so tender like always. Both of you closed your eyes, and you wrapped your arms around his neck. After a while you slowly pulled away, and he murmured a soft „love you my muse“. You hid your face in the crook of his neck, smiling. „Love you too hyunnie“ your words were muffled against his sweater, but he didn‘t mind. He wouldn‘t want to be anywhere else in the world right now.

You went into the kitchen, and hyunjin let you down. You started preparing everything for gingerbread, and soon christmas songs were filling the air. With the fairy lights on, everything was tinted in a soft, cozy glow.

As you were just done with the dough and had placed it to rest somewhere ‘all i want for christmas‘ started playing. „Oh my favorite christmas song.“ He chimed, preparing a spoon as a microphone. You looked at him in shock. „Sorry what?? Don‘t tell me we are together for literally six years, and i had no idea that your favorite christmas song is all i want for christmas. How can you have these muscles, and act all flirty but suddenly be like a lovesick teeny girl?“

A endearing pout played on his lips. „It‘s a classical, don‘t judge me!“ You sighed but started giggling. As the refrain of the song came, hyunjin threw his hair back (Nuh uh seriously, who was this diva?) and he began to loudly sing into the spoon. You laughed, but couldn‘t resist him. You grabbed a spoon toom, and put it up to your mouth, singing along with him. He then wrapped his one arm around your waist, and with the other one he held his ‘microphone‘ , singing „All i want for christmasss is youuuuu“ And then pointing at you. You started dancing around together too. In a little clumsy pirouette move, where you would never think this man was a professional dancer, Hyunjin accidentally threw a bag of flour off the stove. In only a few seconds you both and the whole floor were coated in a thick layer of flour. For a moment you were both flabbergasted, but soon you bursted out laughing, and hyunjin just kept singing like it was nothing. This whole moment felt so heartwarming and silly, you just knew this was one of those moments you would still think of in twenty years. Hyunjin ended his little concert with one more time singing the refrain line and then he picked you up and swirled you around, the flour flying around in the air. You squealed, not expecting it, wich only made him chuckle. As he let you down again, he pulled you close again, pressing a kiss to your forehead, not caring that now flour was on his lips.„I love you so much.“

You giggled, wrapping your arms around him, so now you were both wrapped up tightly in each others embrace, not caring about the fact that you were just distributing the flour even more.

„You said that so often today.“

„Yes because i never ever want you to forget it, alright love?“ he held you jut a bit tighter, and you felt his nose nuzzling against your neck.

„alright.“

„Good. Let‘s just stay like this for a little while longer? You look cute in flour.“

„As long as you want to.“ you smiled softly and laid your head against his chest, feeling his heartbeat.

After a while the flour got a bit itchy though, you both had to admit. So you went into your room, getting some clothes for you and hyunjin, while he went into the bathroom to run a bath. You took your matching christmas pajamas, the fluffy one with gingerbread men on it. As you came into the bathroom, hyunjin was turning on the water, putting some of your favorite cinammon-bath salt in it. He had also lit some candles, and turned off the big light, so the whole bathroom was tinted in golden light. You both undressed, and you stepped into the tub first, sitting down at the end of it. Hyunjin waited and raised a brow. „Don‘t you want me to sit behind you like usual? You always like when i massage your scalp, or your tense shoulders“ You gently smiled up to him. „Today i‘m gonna do all that for you. It was so wonderful to just forget everything today, and with the christmas market and the snow, everything was just perfect. But you‘re still my sick baby. So sit down, today it‘s me who is gonna massage your scalp.“ Hyunjin‘s eyes filled with tears, and a fond smile crept up to his lips. He got into the bathtub too, sitting down between your legs, like you usually did with him. You soon gently started to run your fingers through his hair, and he closed his eyes, cherishing the feeling. After a while you felt his muscles completely relax, and his breathing get slow and steady, almost like his body was melting into yours. You held him tight, one hand still in his hair, and from time to time you kissed his shoulder, like he always did to you.

After a while when you almost thought he had fallen asleep he murmured: „The water‘s getting cold.“

You hummed. „Let‘s get out, and get you to sleep jinnie.“

„But the gingerbread.“ He mumbled, but his eyes were already closed. You smiled and he whined as you got up and out of the tub. „We can still make the little gingerbread men, and ferrets and whatever you want, tomorrow.“ You took a fluffy towel, and wrapped it around yourself. Then you got another one, and tried dragging hyunjin out of the water.

„But then it‘s already christmas day. That‘s against the rules my lady.“ You chuckled at his sleepy confused mumbling. „We are making our own rules.“ You took the towel and slowy dried him off. Then you softly pushed him down to sit on the bathtub edge and put him on his pajamas. „You are taking care of me so well love… Never gonna stop loving you, i‘ll protect my muse at all costs, even when i‘m not physically with you anymore.“ He mumbled, so incoherent and sleep drunken you almost didn‘t understand it. „I know jinnie, i know. Now let‘s get you to bed, hm?“ He whined, and after you quickly put on your own pajamas too, you helped him get up and you both went to bed. As he laid down, you pulled the comforter up to his chin, lovingly stroking his hair. Then you got into bed too, closing your eyes. When you were already at the edge of sleep you suddenly heard hyunjin speak up again. „Y/n?“

„Hmm?“ „Please say it back“

„What are you talking bout.“

„That you love me. I‘m so tired already, but somehow i feel like i won‘t fall asleep if you don‘t say it.“

If you would have thought about that, maybe you could have somewhere already thought that it was coming. Hyunjin‘s pure soul was bracing itself for something, as if he knew.

„I love you. Forever and ever.“

And then you both drifted off.

When you woke up, you didn‘t immediately open your eyes. But you knew. You felt it. You could never describe this feeling, or how you would know, but you had no doubt your hyunjin was somewhere else now. Somewhere far away. And when you finally did open your eyes you took a second to breathe in. You slowly sat up and braced yourself. Then you looked to your side. There he was, looking like he was sleeping peacefully. You didn‘t know if you were imagining that or if it was real but it seemed like even a small smile was laying on his lips. You were oddly calm, as you stood up, and walked around to hyunjin‘s side.

You crouched down next to the bed, and with a slight tremble you took his hand in yours. It was still a bit warm. You pressed a kiss to it, as a silent tear rolled down your cheek. „Hey hyunnie. I don‘t know if you can hear me, but i just want to tell you that i love you okay? Don‘t forget that. And i hope you weren‘t in pain when it happened. Just know that you can peacefully go wherever you are supposed to go now. It‘s okay for me. I will continue living, also if the pain of your absence will daily remind me of the fact that you aren‘t with me anymore. But that‘s okay. I thought that this pain is the worst, but it makes me remember you, and that‘s what i want to do for the rest of my life, so actually i will be okay with it. That day yesterday was really a perfect day, as you said. I guess somehow our souls knew that soon they would have to say goodbye to each other. It helped me realize that when you die i won‘t have to act all strong, and feel like suffocating when i‘m alone. Oh by the way, i‘ll call the guys soon, and tell them. Then i‘ll bake our gingerbreadmen okay? And i‘ll be taking good care of mini jinnie, so you don‘t have to worry about him and his little scarf.“ You smiled through the tears running down your cheeks, that were silently landing on the bed next to hyunjin.

„So hyunnie, i bet you are wating for me to finish my dramatic boring speech so you can finally go in peace, hm? I wish you merry christmas my one and only love.“ You kissed his hand tenderly for the last time, a single little tear dripping down onto it.

Taglist: @0omillo0 @lina-linny @darqlys

@onementally-unstabel-kid @idek6758 @sadie-tucker @kozumesphone

@urlocalmultigroupfan @thoughtfularbiternightmare @lezleeferguson-120

@stayblrofficial hello this is my submission for the stayblrholiday event! For some reason I can’t send y’all the link but yeah I hope tagging is okay too!<3

[gensideas]

CASE CLOSED: LOVE ON TRIAL.

✎summary Y/N Rodriguez discovers her boyfriend Matt’s infidelity and redirects her focus to law school and her career. With resilience and support, she triumphs, passes the bar, and finds a healthier, more respectful connection, turning heartbreak into empowerment.

✎features cheater!bf Matt x Law!student reader.

I sat alone in the dim light of my desk lamp, drowning in case briefs and mock trial notes. The weight of my law school aspirations pressed heavily on my shoulders. The bar exam loomed, suffocating my nights with endless study sessions.

My phone buzzed. It was Matt. “Busy night, babe. Work event. See you tomorrow?”

My chest tightened, but I pushed the feeling down. “Sure. Good luck,” I texted back, my fingers trembling slightly. Lately, he had been distant, and even his words felt perfunctory. But there was no time to dwell on it; my future demanded all my attention.

Across town, Matt mingled at a swanky networking event, laughing a little too hard at Erica’s jokes. The red-haired marketing executive exuded confidence, something Matt found intoxicating. When Erica brushed his arm, a flicker of guilt surged through him—but not enough to stop

Weeks passed, and the cracks in our relationship deepened. I couldn’t ignore the growing distance. Matt’s once-frequent texts were now sparse, and his excuses for canceled plans piled up like unread notifications.

“I’ll make it up to you,” he promised one night after bailing on dinner. His voice was rushed, almost mechanical.

I sighed, clutching the phone tighter. “It’s fine. I have plenty to do anyway.”

But it wasn’t fine. Late at night, when my textbooks blurred into meaningless lines, I’d stare at my phone, willing it to buzz with something—anything—to reassure me.

My best friend Sofia wasn’t convinced. “He’s acting shady, Y/N. I don’t trust him.”

I shook my head. “We’re both just busy.”

“Busy isn’t the same as distant,” Sofia muttered, her concern deepening.

One afternoon, Sofia’s voice on the phone was sharp. “I saw Matt downtown. With someone else.”

My breath caught. “What?”

“Here,” Sofia said, sending a photo. The image hit me like a gut punch: Matt and Erica, laughing together in a way that once belonged to me.

That night, I confronted him. “Who is she?” My voice cracked, betraying the storm of emotions I’d fought to contain.

Matt faltered. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“Don’t insult me,” I snapped, tears streaming down my face. “I’ve sacrificed everything for us, Matt. I deserved honesty.”

His apologies came too late, his words hollow. The betrayal was a knife that cut deep, shattering the fragile balance I had clung to.

The days after the breakup were a blur of tears and sleepless nights. My chest felt perpetually heavy, and every corner of my apartment held echoes of Matt. The pain was relentless, threatening to drown me.

Sofia’s support became my lifeline. “Cry it out,” Sofia urged. “But don’t let him destroy you. You’re stronger than this.”

I threw myself into my studies, using my heartbreak as fuel. The ache in my chest became a driving force, propelling me through tort law and late-night mock trials. Still, there were nights when I crumbled, staring at my empty bed and wondering why I wasn’t enough.

Matt’s voicemails went unanswered. I couldn’t bear to hear his voice, the same voice that had whispered promises he couldn’t keep. My journal became my sanctuary, a place to pour out the grief I hid from the world.

Months later, I passed the bar exam. The moment should have been euphoric, but it felt bittersweet. I had reached my goal, but the scars Matt left still lingered.

At my celebratory dinner, Sofia raised a toast. “To Y/N, who refused to let anyone dim her light.”

I smiled, but my chest tightened. The triumph felt hollow, as if part of me was still piecing itself back together.

At a networking event, I met Daniel, a fellow attorney with kind eyes and a gentle demeanor. “I’ve heard about you,” he said. “You’re incredible.”

I wanted to believe him, but doubt lingered. My trust had been broken, and I wasn’t sure I could give my heart again.

As I walked into my new office, my diploma in hand, I stared at the empty walls. I had achieved so much, but the weight of my heartbreak still clung to me. The future was mine, but it felt fragile, like a vase I was afraid to drop.

That evening, I opened my journal, flipping back to the entries I had written during my darkest days. Each page was a testament to the pain I had endured—and survived. Slowly, I began to write again, this time not just about heartbreak, but about hope. I penned down my dreams, my aspirations, and the person I was determined to become.

Days turned into weeks, and the office walls began to fill with memories of my victories, both big and small. I took on cases that challenged me, and with every win, I felt a piece of myself returning.

Daniel’s kindness remained steady, and though I kept him at arm’s length, I found myself opening up little by little. One evening, as we walked out of court, he said, “You’re stronger than you know.” For the first time, I believed him.

One year later, I stood on the steps of the courthouse after winning my first major case. Sofia was there, cheering me on, her pride evident. As I looked around, I realized something important: I had built a life that was entirely mine. It wasn’t perfect, but it was authentic.

Matt was now a distant memory, a lesson I had learned the hard way. I had found strength in my struggles, and though the scars remained, they were a part of me—a reminder of how far I had come. As I stepped into the future, I carried with me the unshakable knowledge that I was enough, and I always would be.

© gensideas 2024

[oldsoul007]

long journey

nicholas chavez x wife!reader

a/n: heyyyy guys….sorry ive been MIA and not active lately BUT school has been so hectic so i just finished finals AYYYY anyway ill def be more active these days coming cus im finally on break so expect some fun stuff. enjoy ;)

based on this request: Can you do one where Nicholas and Yn have a son and the little boy (even though he's a toddler) he's already taking strides towards independence and Nicholas is feeling the growing pains of letting go and still wants to keep his son little still?

Me and Nicholas sat on the couch, quietly watching our son, Ethan, as he carefully stacked his toy blocks, his little tongue sticking out in concentration. At just three years old, Ethan was becoming increasingly independent, a fact that filled his parents with both pride and a bittersweet sense of nostalgia.

“Look at him,” I murmured, my voice tinged with awe. “He’s getting so big. He didn’t even need our help with that tower.”

Nicholas glanced over at Ethan, a pang of something he couldn’t quite describe tugging at his chest. “Yeah, he’s growing up too fast.” His voice was softer now, almost wistful. “I can’t believe how much he’s learning every day. One minute, he’s asking for me to tie his shoes, and the next, he’s doing it on his own.”

I smiled, sensing the weight behind his words. I knew that Nicholas, a natural protector, was having a harder time adjusting to the fact that our little boy was no longer a baby. He’d been so hands-on, so involved in every little milestone, and now, Ethan was starting to take more and more steps on his own.

“I think it’s a good thing,” I said gently, taking Nicholas’s hand. “He’s becoming more confident. It’s a sign of how well we’ve done.”

Nicholas nodded but still seemed unsure. “I know, I just… I don’t want him to grow up too fast. There’s something about him asking me for help that makes me feel needed, like he still wants to be my little boy. I guess I’m not ready to let that go yet.”

My heart softened. I could see the deep love Nicholas had for our son, the quiet protectiveness that defined him as a father. But I also knew that the process of letting go was part of the journey—one that both parents had to navigate together.

“Ethan will always need you,” she said, her voice reassuring. “Just in different ways. He’s going to keep growing, but that doesn’t mean we lose the moments we have now. We get to watch him become someone new, someone amazing. And we’ll be there every step of the way.”

Nicholas watched as Ethan, oblivious to the conversation, triumphantly added the final block to his tower. The little boy clapped his hands, beaming with pride, and looked up at his parents, his eyes bright.

“Look, Daddy!” Ethan said, holding up the tower with both hands. “I did it!”

Nicholas smiled, his heart swelling with emotion. “You did, buddy. You did.”

For a moment, he realized that even though Ethan was becoming more independent, he would always be our little boy. The feeling of being needed might change, but the love and connection would only grow stronger.

Nicholas reached down to ruffle Ethan’s hair, a tear threatening to well up in his eye, but he blinked it away with a soft laugh. “Guess I’m just going to have to keep up with you, huh, kiddo?”

Ethan giggled and gave him a tight hug, and in that hug, Nicholas found a comfort—a reminder that no matter how much Ethan grew, he would always be his son.

[reelvibes91]

5 Worst Movies of 2024

With the year winding down, there are a lot of conversations about what everyone was impressed by or what misfired this year. It is always good to start with the bad news. This means that this year, I will be doing things a little differently. I'm starting off with my least favorite movies of the year before next week, releasing my 10 favorites. Let's dive right in.

5. We Live in Time- Andrew Garfield and Florence Pugh had my intrigue meter abuzz when this film was announced. The final product was a jarring mess of time jumps and little to no emotional pay off at all. It never felt like the weight of the situation resonated because just when you wanted something to hit hard the movie cut to the next thing.

4. Trap - So much of this movie was predictable and way too simple of a plot. Hartnett did what he could, but the writing hindered this movie the most. The second half just featured foolish decision after foolish decisions made by the lead character. He was built up during the first half to be sleek and very much under the radar. He did himself by just making the most irrational decision ever.

3. If- Ryan Reynolds just plays PG Kid friendly Deadpool without the suit. This movie was designed to be conceptual to kids, and it did work in that regard. However, the best kids' movies also make adults feel nostalgic or emotional. This one accomplished neither of those things and generally felt off right from the beginning. It felt very much like all they had to do was give us cool looking characters and make Ryan Reynolds cynical, and that would be enough. That has worn incredibly thin over the years.

2. Don't Move- Netflix really thought this was something special, but it was a steaming pile of trash. It was not at all a good movie. The premise was very easy to follow but like too many movies it was convenient until no longer required. The acting was bland, and the scenes were repetitive. There were zero stakes as well because by the time anything happened, you just truly wanted your Netflix subscription payment back for the month. Had this been a cinematic release there is a very good chance many people would have just abandoned this and snuck into something else.

1. Deadpool and Wolverine- This is definitely not the popular opinion on this movie. It just sucked the life out of me. The humor was bland. Ryan Reynolds did not work for me as he has in the prior two. Every joke was just Deadpool saying the most obscene things imaginable and Wolverine telling him to shut his mouth. Insert scenes of violence in between that mostly looked jarringly awful from a CGI standpoint. Especially the fight sequence in the van. It was horribly shot and executed.

[unknownmind98]

a love song over time - part 3

A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60645565/chapters/157278214

|-|-|

Chloe sits on the porch of her home, a cup of hot chocolate in hand as Bella perches beside her holding her own. The winter sun is just setting over the trees, the recent snowfall having decorated the scenery in a blissful white atmosphere. Chloe’s mind falls to a certain DJ, and she unknowingly smiles, her gaze fixated on the birds setting for the evening.

“Momma?” Bella asks, disrupting her from her thoughts. Her big, round eyes glance up towards her mother.

Chloe smiles softly, bringing her gaze towards her, “What is it, bug?”

Tilting her head, Bellas curls bounce slightly as she gives her a thoughtful look. “Is Beca your best friend?”

The question catches Chloe off guard, and she blinks a few times in surprise. “Well, yes…” She confirms, pausing to think of her next words. “She’s one of my best friends.” She adds, a small grin forming as she thinks of the brunette. “Why do you ask?” She quizzes, wrapping an arm around the girl.

Bella shrugs, her petite hands fiddling with her bright yellow mug, one that she got for her birthday; it’s comically large with ladybug on the front. “You’re always happy when you talk about her. And I saw you guys hug a lot when she was here. Like, a lot a lot.” She emphases, taking a slurp of her hot chocolate.

Chloe can’t help the snort as her cheeks tinge pink. She hadn’t realized Bella had caught on to their closeness. “Well, she’s very special to me.” The redhead says, leaning her head on Bella’s.

Bella nods and watches the birds for a moment. Suddenly her eyes sparkle with curiosity, and she sits up and looks at her mom. “Is she like Daddy?”

Chloe’s eyebrows raise at the innocent question and her heart skips a beat. She hesitates, unsure on how to answer. “Well, Beca isn’t like Daddy. She’s…” Chloe pauses, “Well she’s different. But she’s someone very important to me. Someone I care about a lot.”

Bella ponders this for a moment before nodding thoughtfully. “Okay.” She says, “I like her. She makes you laugh.”

Chloe’s heart swells at her daughter’s simple observation and she pulls her in close. ���I like her too. She makes me very happy.”

And Bella grins, leaning into her mother.  “You should tell her that.”

The older Beales breath catches in her throat at the thought of that. Leaning down she plants a kiss against Bellas bright red hair. “Maybe I will,” she says softly, more so to herself than to Bella.

She can’t deny she’s been thinking about the brunette a lot, since she left. They hadn’t spoken about what happened between them or any of the intimacy they shared. Though she can’t deny, she really really likes how Beca makes her feel.

She feels so alive. So seen and wanted. Something that she hasn’t felt in a while.

She thinks back to her past relationship with Tom and sighs.

After Bella was born, Chloe had noticed changes in him. Though he was overjoyed to be a father and attentive to Bella, eager to provide for her every need, he withdrew further from Chloe. He became quieter, more distant, and his warm, spontaneous affection gave way to a poised detachment.

At first, Chloe chalked it up to her own insecurities. She’d gained a bit of weight during her pregnancy, and the long nights with a newborn had left her feeling drained and distorted. She told herself that with time, things would return to normal- that she would feel desirable again, and Tom would see her the way he once did.

But that moment never came. Instead, Tom threw himself into his work. He became consumed by long hours and endless projects, often locking himself away in his office or traveling on work trips that seemed to grow more frequent. Chloe’s attempts to bridge the gap were met with vague excuses and distracted reassurances.

Over time, suspicion began to creep into Chloe’s mind. Tom’s absences became harder to explain, and the emotional distance between them felt overwhelming. She couldn’t shake the feeling that there was someone else, though she never found concrete proof. It was a suspicion that lingered in the back of her mind, unspoken but ever-present.

He was still a great father to Bella, doting and involved… when he was around. But as a partner, he had faded away, leaving Chloe to navigate her feelings of loss and loneliness on her own. It was a slow unravelling of the life they’d built together, and by the time Chloe truly acknowledged it, the damage was already done.

There were nights when Chloe would sit alone in the quiet of their home and think about her days in college. Back then, she had been so confident- fearless, even. She’d been surrounded by the Bellas: her family, constantly laughing, and always the centre of attention in any room she walked into. She missed that version of herself, the one who didn’t second-guess every move, who felt beautiful and vibrant without needing anyone else’s validation. The one that walked confidently, naked might I add, into another’s shower stall just because she liked the voice coming from it.

She yearned for that confidence now, for the freedom to be that courageous self. She found that when she was with Beca, glimpses of that old spark would flicker through the broken walls. Beca’s sharp wit and easy smile reminded Chloe of who she used to be and made her believe, if only for a moment, that she could find that person again.

No wait scratch that, she knows she can.

Beca always brought out the best in her, she thinks. From the moment they met to the moment they got their small crappy apartment in New York all those years ago.

It’s always been Beca.

Beca was the reason the Bellas became what they are. Beca is the reason she named her daughter after the acapella group. Beca made them into something she never thought could be possible.

Beca made her feel beautiful.

It’s always been Beca.

Chloe knows that. Though she always did know it, she’s just no longer afraid to admit it.

She knows it’s time to stop dancing around her feelings and have the conversation they need to have.

She just can’t help as she chews on her bottom lip thinking of when that time will be.

|-|-|

Meanwhile in New York, Beca paces the length of her living room, her phone clutched tightly in her hand. She’s typed out three drafts of a text to Jesse, but none of them felt right. Finally, with a groan of frustration, she types out a simple message.

Beca (16.34pm) Hey, can I call you?

A few seconds later, her phone buzzes with Jesse’s reply.

Jesse (16.34pm) Yeah, what’s up?

Beca wastes no time with dialling his number. The moment he answers, she launches into a ramble. “So, I think I need advice, and you are kind of my go-to for things like this,” Running a hand through her hair, she continues, “so you had me thinking last night, and I think you’re right.”

She hears Jesse chuckle on the other end and rolls her eyes.

“Man, shut up-”

“I told you!” He interrupts, and she can hear the shit-eating grin on his face.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Beca oblivious as ever,” She mocks, “But seriously, what do I do?” She plops herself down onto the couch, sighing loudly as her ramble continues, “Dude I have no idea what to do or say,” Beca admits. “I’m freaking out here.”

“Okay, first of all, breathe,” Jesse says, his voice a hint of amusement. “Second, maybe you two just need to talk it out. Like adults. Crazy idea, I know.”

Beca huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, that’s helpful. Real groundbreaking advice Jesse.” She deadpans.

“I aim to please,” Jesse replies, his grin practically audible. “Look, why don’t you invite her over to your place? Neutral territory. You can hash it out without distractions.” He suggests, and the idea makes her pause. “You said it last night, that she’s going on break soon for the holidays.” He adds, and she can imagine him shrugging.

Nodding slowly to herself, Beca contemplates the idea. She supposes it would be nice for Bella to experience New York around the holidays.  “That could work.” She replies, her fingers tapping against her black jeans. “That could totally work right?”

“Right.”

“And if it doesn’t, I can just curl up into a ball and die.”

“Becs.”

“Because she probably already has plans made-”

“Beca!” Jesse exclaims down the line making her stop. “Shut up.” He speaks. “Just send her a message. Trust me it’ll be aca-fine.”

|-|-|

Beca (19.29pm) Sup Beale, was curious, what’s your plans for the holidays besides being at home?

Chloe (19. 34pm) hi to you too stranger x

Chloe (19. 34pm) and you pretty much just summed it up. I’ll be at home with Bella. Tom’s busy with work

Beca (19. 35pm) shucks, well…. I know it’s a crazy idea, and you can say no if you want!

Beca (19. 35pm) would you and bella like to come here?

Chloe (19.38pm) as in New York?

Beca (19.40pm) yeah.. only if you want!

Beca (19.41pm) There’s no pressure obviously

Chloe (19.42pm) aww we’d love too :)

Chloe (19.42pm) Been thinking about u a lot x

Beca (19.43pm) huh… funny

Beca (19.44pm) Cuz I’ve been thinking about you a lot too

Chloe (19.45pm) really? Tell me more ;)

Beca (19.46pm) Yeah, just… you know, being around again you felt really nice. I missed being around you

Chloe (19.47pm) I missed it too. Feels like ages since we spent time together

Beca (19.48pm) Tell me about it. But I feel like since it’s the holidays and we both have time off we should totally like hang out

Chloe (19.50pm) Hang out?  Is that what we’re calling this ;) but no I get u, and New York sounds like the perfect place to escape to for a bit. I miss it there

Beca (19.51pm) yep that’s what we’re calling it beale, but oh! I have some new spots I’ve been dying to show you that opened recently

Chloe (19.53pm) do tell!

Beca (19.54pm) nah uh beale, I’m gonna wait until you’re here to show you lol

Chloe (19.56pm) ahh the anticipation.

Chloe (19.56pm) I finish work this Friday and Bella is on Christmas break too, so we can be there Sunday afternoon maybe?

Beca (19.57pm) Awes, I’ll book you the flights

Chloe (19.57pm) oh no! you don’t have to bec

Beca (19.58pm) Shush beale, I want to ;) let me know when you land and I’ll come pick you up x

|-|-|

The terminal at JFK was buzzing with commotion, not unknown for such a place but with Christmas right around the corner, it was more chaotic with families reuniting, friends visiting and last-minute flights.

Chloe stands near the baggage claim, clutching Bellas’s hand as they wait patiently for their luggage. Once they receive it, Chloe takes her daughter over to a nearby Starbucks as they wait for Beca. The young girl, wide eyed as ever, is bouncing in her seat, craning her neck in hopes of seeing the brunette.

“Momma when will she be here?” Bella asks for the third time, impatiently.

Chloe chuckles softly at her excitement, “Soon, bug.” She says, “She’s probably stuck in traffic.” She reassures, though her own heart is fluttering with anticipation. It hadn’t been long since she last saw her best friend, but she can’t deny the butterflies currently dancing in her stomach thinking about her.  

As she finishes up her latte, she hears the distinct voice of one Beca Mitchell.

“There you guys are!”

Turning towards the voice, Chloe sees Beca weaving her way through the queue, her hair slightly disheveled, and bright rosy cheeks tainting her face.

Chloe thinks it’s adorable.

There’s a grin planted across the DJ’s face as she spots them. She’s dawned in a simple leather jacket over a casual T-shirt and plain jeans. A classic Beca look.

Chloe thinks it’s more attractive than it needs to be.

It’s quite distracting, honestly.

Bella sees her and lets out an excited squeal, jumping from her seat, not caring that it scrapes along the floor- a few customers glancing at the harsh sound- and beelines for Beca. The brunette chuckles as the young girl bounds into her, wrapping her tiny hands around her waist.

“There’s my bug!” Beca says, ruffling Bella’s hair amusingly before leaning down to wrap her arms around her. “Missed you, ya little troublemaker.”

Chloe grins as she approaches them, watching the interaction. “Hi.” She says fondly, sidling up beside them.

The brunette away from Bella and stands up straight and smirks, “Hey there.” Leaning in she places a chaste kiss on Chloe’s cheek. “You look great,” She sneakily whispers into her ear.

Chloe can’t help the faint blush that rushes to her cheeks and hides it by pulling Beca into a warm embrace.

“So do you,” She replies, teasingly.

And there’s that familiar spark igniting inside her again.

|-|-|

As they make their way towards Beca’s apartment, the hum of Christmas music plays faintly over the speakers. Chloe sits in the passenger side, a growing grin on her face as she steals glances at the brunette. Beca smirks when she notices and sends her a raised eyebrow in return.

Bella sits in the back, eyes curious and wide as she looks out the window. Last time she was in New York was when she was 2 years old, which obviously she doesn’t remember much about. So, she’s pretty much experiencing it for the first time.

“So, Bella…” Beca speaks, breaking the comfortable silence. She catches the girl’s eye in the rearview mirror. “So, what’s our plan for Christmas this year?”

Bella beams at the question and she sits up excitedly, “Can we make cookies?” She asks, but before Beca can answer she’s rambling into her next request, “Oh and can we watch a bunch of movies and drink hot chocolate? Oh, and can we have marshmallows with the hot chocolate?”

“Bella, sweetheart, take a breath,” Chloe says, chuckling at her enthusiasm.

“Okay, okay,” Bella replies, pausing to think of more ideas.

“Well, I think those are some solid plans, bug,” Beca nods, as she pulls up at a red light. Bella smiles widely at the appreciation. “I’m making you the boss,” Beca adds turning in her seat to face Bella. “So, whatever you say, goes.” She declares, leaning her hand out for a handshake. “Sound like a deal?”

“Deal.” Bella giggles, shaking her hand.

As the light switches to green, Beca shifts into gear and takes a left towards her apartment. “Shouldn’t be too long until we’re there.”

“I’m so excited to see your place.” Chloe says, her expression glowing as she glances out the window, watching the passersby.

The last time Chloe had visited New York a few years ago, Beca and Amy had still been sharing the tiny, cramped apartment they had called home for years. It had been cozy, in the most chaotic, mismatched way that only a small space shared by wildly different personalities could be. She remembers the pull-out couch that doubled as a bed that she and Beca shared. The cluttered coffee table usually buried under takeout containers and Fat Amy’s magazines. The faint sound of Beca’s music playing from the corner that served as her makeshift studio. The flat had character for sure, but it was far from luxurious.

Since then, things had changed. Beca had moved out and found a new place of her own, leaving Amy to claim the old apartment entirely as her own. Though that changed quickly as the blonde Tasmanian fell into family wealth. Chloe had seen glimpses of Beca's new home in the pictures she had sent over the years. The photos had been impressive- cozy modern furniture, large open windows letting in floods of natural light, and mismatched but clean decor that screamed “Beca finally has her life together… Kinda.” But pictures could only show so much, and Chloe was dying to see it in person.

It was clearly a massive upgrade from what they previously shared. Chloe could already imagine the difference- the shift from cramped to spacious, from cluttered to organized. She knew Beca had worked hard to get where she was, and this new apartment seemed like a tangible representation of how far she had come.

Chloe couldn’t be prouder of the brunette sat beside her.

Reaching over she places a hand on Beca’s thigh and gives it a gentle squeeze, as they pull up outside the apartment complex. The brunette shoots her a smirk, unbuckling her seatbelt. “Come on nerds.”

As they make their way towards the building, Bella skipping ahead of them, Chloe reaches down and intertwines her fingers around Beca’s. Bella is rambling about their evening plans, occasionally turning back to face them.

Beca gives Chloe’s hand a soft squeeze. “I was thinking,” she says, as they approach the elevator. Her free hand pulling the Beale’s luggage. “Well, I was hoping...” She pauses, sighing. “Well, I was thinking we could you know…” She shrugs, cursing herself for losing words right now. “Talk?”

She rolls her eyes at herself.

Incredible wordplay Mitchell.

“Talk?” The redhead quizzes curiously as they shuffle into the lift.

Beca nods, pressing the button to her floor, before glancing to Chloe. “Yeah… about us?” She explains, hopefully.

There she said it, Jesse should be proud.

Chloe’s head tilts, a small grin creeping up on her face. “Us?” She teases, easing Beca’s anxiety. “I like the sound of that,” her smile wide, “But that’s funny, Mitchell.” She adds, bumping her shoulder against the girls, “I was thinking the same thing.”

Chloe’s heart feels lighter as she realizes they’re on the same page. And for the first time in years, it feels like she’s exactly where she needs to be.

|-|-|

A few hours later, the trio are laid out on the couch in Beca’s living room. Home Alone on the TV in front of them.

The soft glow of the screen flickers in the otherwise dim living room, casting a warm, cozy light over the space. Beca had arranged the room, prior to their arrival, with the couch piled with soft blankets and a few scattered pillows. The air smelled of freshly made popcorn, courtesy of Jesse’s endless supply, something in which Bella had taken full advantage of with how much of it she has munched on.

Chloe sat with her legs stretched out on the couch, wrapped in a thick, fluffy blanket she’d claimed the moment they started the movie. Bella was nestled in between her- the 4-year-olds small body curled up under a soft navy blanket, her eyes glued to the screen as her head laid on her mother’s chest. Beca sat at the other end of the couch, feet tucked beneath her, occasionally casting a glance over at them rather than the movie.

“I still can’t believe this place is yours,” Chloe breaks the silence with a grin, looking around the mismatched space. “It’s so you…”

The walls are lined with framed pictures of artists, and records. It reminds her of Beca’s dorm back in her freshman year. Then just off to the side is a bookshelf filled with novels of all kinds, most likely gifted by Beca’s father.

What warms Chloe’s heart the most though, is the wall dedicated to the Bellas. It holds their first ICCA victory, when they got first place in Worlds, their graduation picture and a bunch of memories made over the years.

But what stands out the most is in the middle of the pictures. A simple quote written in an elegant cursive font.

 “Once a Bella, always a Bella.”

Chuckling, Beca’s eyes flicker briefly from the screen to Chloe. “Yeah, I tried to go for something different you know, other than a box.” She says with a laugh, referring to their previous shared flat.

Bella, who had been quietly watching the movie, suddenly perks up and looks around, her small voice speaking “I like it here, Beca. Your home is so big!” She says, but quickly diverts her attention to the popcorn, “Can we have snacks again?”

Beca smiles warmly, shaking her head as she reaches for the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. “Of course, bug. Here you go,” she says, offering Bella a handful of popcorn. Bella happily grabs a few pieces and stuffs them into her mouth, much to her mother’s dismay.

Chloe disapproves but rolls her eyes. “You’re gonna feel sick with all that popcorn,” she says through a small giggle. “Also try save some for the rest of us, huh?”

Beca grins cheekily. “I don’t know, Chlo. Bella’s got the right idea- snacks are worth the sickness.” She declares, taking a handful to herself.

Bella nods, agreeing with the statement.  “Yeah, snacks are the best!”

Chloe sends a warning finger towards the brunette, “Do not encourage her Mitchell,” she says, trying to keep up the stern façade, but it slips as Beca’s smirk grows.

Giving in, she sighs, “Ah fuck it, it’s Christmas.” Stretching her arm across, she takes the bowl of popcorn and scoffs some of it down, ignoring the loud snort from the brunette.

Beca whistles, her brows raising. “Beale! Do you speak to your mother with that language.” Her lips twitch into a mischievous smirk.

Chloe sends a deadpan look towards Beca and stares at her for a passing moment before breaking into a fit of laughter.

Rolling her eyes, she sets the bowl back down before snuggling in close to Bella. “Let’s just watch the movie.”

|-|-|

As the day evening ends, Beca and Chloe get ready to settle in for the night in the brunette’s bedroom. A simple yet cozy room. There’s a queen-sized bed lined against the wall, pillows and blankets decorating it. A small window looking over the neighbourhood on the wall opposite, covered by dark curtains. And just beside that is the door to the ensuite.

On the bedside table sits a lamp, casting a warm glow over the room as they move around, in a routine fashion as they fall into old habits from their time living together. Chloe stands in front of the desk, looking into the mirror as she brushes her hair, the movements slow and thoughtful.

Bella had fallen asleep during the movie, after giving herself a popcorn filled food coma, leaving Beca to carefully carry her into the guest room.

Speaking of the brunette, she’s just coming out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth and leans against the doorframe, watching Chloe for a moment.

The sight of her best friend- or whatever they are, brings a sense of calm to Beca that she finds it hard to describe.

They'd known each other for years, and yet, something incredible shifted recently. Maybe they could blame it on the holiday spirit or maybe, just maybe, it was just the slow, undeniable truth that had been building since the first day they met.

Chloe catching Beca’s gaze in the mirror, smirks, “What?” she asks softly, a slight smile tugging at her lips.

Beca hesitates for a moment before shrugging nonchalantly, trying to play it off. “Nothing. I just...” She rolls her eyes, giving in, “I just really like you being here. It feels nice.”

It feels right. Is what she wants to say.

Setting the brush down, Chloe turns to meet Beca’s eyes as she leans against the desk. The air in the room notably shifts, and Chloe’s expression softens. She bites her bottom lip sheepishly, “I like it, too,” she admits after a beat, her voice sounding more vulnerable than she intended it to.

“It feels... right.”

And Beca closes her eyes, leaning her head against the doorframe and lets out a chuckle, a grin peeking through.

“I was literally thinking the same thing.” She confesses sincerely, opening her eyes to find Chloe’s. The redhead pushes herself off the desk and walks lightly towards the bed, taking a seat at the edge. The brunette soon follows, planting herself beside her.

Beca couldn’t help the way her heart skipped a beat at the sincerity in Chloe's words. And so, as she sits here beside her, she slips her hand into the redheads, running her thumb across her knuckles.

“Chlo…” She starts, her voice quieter now, it has a hint of uncertainty that she tries her best to cover. “Ever since I left yours, I can’t stop thinking about you,” She says, honestly, pausing for a moment, “You know how shit I am with words,” She rolls her eyes at herself, unsure of how to phrase what had been building in her mind this past while, “But I just... you’re my best friend and-” Stuttering over her words, Beca huffs, “I’m sorry, I’m not great at this.”

Chloe squeezes her hand, encouragingly, “Take your time.” She says, knowing that Beca needs to find her words.

Beca’s gaze is fixated on Chloe as she speaks, “I really like you. And I know that sounds so cheesy, but it’s the truth.” She pauses, taking a breath, “I think I always have.” She confesses. “I guess I just didn’t realize it fully until recently.” Huffing out a laugh, she continues, “And I think- well I hope you feel similarly?”

Beca’s eyes are wide like a deer in headlights as she lets herself be vulnerable as she waits for a reply.

Chloe does feel the same.

And she’ll be damned if she doesn’t let Beca know it. So, nodding, she pulls Beca’s hand to her lips and places a kiss on it, letting it linger as she replies.

“I do.” She says, a gentle grin in place, “I really do.” She emphasizes, looking deeply into Beca’s eyes. “You actually have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.” Her own eyes begin to gloss over but Beca quickly notices, and brings a hand to frame her face, gently caressing it.

“Really?” And her voice sounds so small, so exposed, as her fingers lay upon Chloe’s skin. Once again, the redhead nods, leaning into the touch. She chuckles and rolls her eyes, “Sorry, I don’t mean to tear up.” But when she glances at Beca, she sees it mirrored.

“What are we not like,” Beca teases, leaning her forehead on Chloes. Closing her eyes, she lets her hand trace Chloe’s jawline and feels the others girl come up to rest on hers.

Chloe understands. She knows how pathetic they must look right now. 30 something year olds, tearing up over this revelation. But it’s so much more than that. It’s something that had been building since they met. That connection. An understanding of one another. Yes, there had been blips in between but all that matters is that they’re here now. Together.

Unable to resist Chloe leans in and captures Beca’s lips in a lingering kiss. It’s chaste but holds so much passion. There’s a slight salty taste from the tears that escaped but neither care, nor acknowledge it.  

When they pull back, they both have easy smiles in place and Beca is the first to speak.

“I really like how this feels,” She communicates, running her thumb along Chloe’s cheek, “But I’m so scared of messing things up.” She confesses, shyly.

Chloe untangles her hand in Beca’s and runs it along the brunette’s neck soothingly, “So I am.” She agrees. “But…” Leaning in, she gives Beca another peck, “I think it’s worth risk.” She admits, the words echoing against Beca’s lips.

Beca’s expression eases as she reaches up, brushing a strand of hair behind Chloe’s ear, now holding the redhead’s face with both hands. “I agree,” she says, her voice filled with a quiet certainty of someone who knows exactly what they want.

The tension between them is palpable, as the hum of the city outside plays around them. Chloe’s eyes linger on Beca, her hand still wrapped around her neck. She feels her heart full, and her nerves spike to one hundred, as she finds herself lost in the brunette’s gaze.

She sees Beca’s shift towards her mouth and licks her lips. Leaning in, she gives in to a more passionate kiss. Her lips fall against Beca’s, this time more needy than before. Sighing into the kiss, she tilts her head deepening the kiss, her fingers threading through Beca’s hair.

The brunette responds in kind, her hands moving to slide its way down to Chloe’s waist. The redhead had changed into a tank top and pyjama pants earlier as they got ready for bed, and she curses but also praises herself, as she feels Beca run her hands along the waistband of the tank.

Pulling back, her lips rest against Beca’s, her breathing heavy.

“Please.”

And it only takes that one word for Beca to start raising the top up along Chloe’s abdomen.

|-|-|

A/N: And that’s part 3 folllkkksss! I hope you enjoyed it… Fair warning we have a bit of a spicy chapter coming next ;)

Apologies for any mistakes! And once again thank you to those who have liked and commented, it means the world to me. Until next time!

[vampirade]

reaching for my colored pencils and stickers

[bueris]

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

[heyitslapis]

Ok

[fappellmoan]

and is there not just generally a certain level of decency that would make you like ease up on a person who's obviously more than a little frazzled i am sorry that i cant process all my feelings and regurgitate them to you in an easily digestible manner while im actively In a situation or have a prepared disclaimer about how im so sorry but im just overwhelmed and need you to leave me alone right now or whatever else maybe i just dont know maybe i cant tell you exactly what im feeling or need and if i have to figure it out and explain that to you my brain is going to explode. but you could read the room. is there not a point where a friend would probably just go oh okay let me not continue pushing this person let me take a moment to reflect on their state and perhaps try to ease that or at least not keep fucking pushing on it. and also maybe not choose these moments to make otherwise innocuous but contextually just kinda meanspirited jabs. ok whatever

[euthymiya]

“Did you know—”

“I don’t care,” Sukuna interrupts, wholly disinterested. It’s half past three—(which is, of course, his fault, but that doesn’t mean he’s any less tired).

But you, wholly uncaring, promptly ignore him. “—That some female spiders eat the male ones after mating?”

“What do you want me to do with this information?” He looks at you irritably, glaring at you from the corner of his eyes. You flash him a grin—it’s a mischievous little thing, your lips curled in a cheeky, flirty way that warns him silently that he’s about to risk popping another vein. He seems to do that around you quite often, and it certainly feels like it’s underway once more.

(And, as it always is, his intuition would be right).

“It’s a warning,” you hum.

He snorts, raising a clearly disbelieving brow as he hums, “oh yeah? For what? Are you gonna—wha-hey!”

Not a lot catches Sukuna off guard. You giggle as he barks out a surprised yelp of your name, harshly shoving you away from his chest. There’s a nice, fresh, very crystal and very clear outline of your teeth marked right on the flesh surrounding his nipple.

He looks at you like you’ve lost your mind.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He asks incredulously.

You let out a soft, amused little giggle that sounds through the room before he feels your weight shift and fall onto him, making him grunt as his arms steady you and his eyes stare up at your hovering face with an agitated purse of his lips.

“I’m eating you,” you say cheekily, “see?” For emphasis, you leave an equally as shocking bite to his bicep, your head leaning down to get a mouthful of his bare arm. He lets out a low, startled grunt before one large and very firm hand grabs the back of your neck and yanks you off.

“Have you completely lost it?” He hisses.

“We just mated—”

“Who on Earth talks about sex like that? We are not animals who—”

“—And now I’m going to eat you after mating. Like a female spider.”

“If you’re going to be weird, just go the fuck to sleep,” he grumbles lowly.

Sukuna is tired.

(And yes, the reason is partly because he’s a bit inexhaustible once he’s felt the velvet heat of your walls, and yes, it’s technically his own greediness that’s worn him out so physically for the night. But that’s all been the cost for something of greater benefit to him. Something he doesn’t exactly mind draining his energy for.

Bur your odd, unsettling, abnormal and very plainly weird schemes are not a part of the list of things he’s willing to sacrifice his energy for. There isn’t much pleasure in entertaining your nonsense most of the time.

If anything, there’s pain—the stinging bite marks on his skin can attest to that.)

“I’m not tired,” you hum.

“Then let me make you tired,” he offers smugly, lips tugging into a cocky grin as he looks up at you.

“If you didn’t manage that the first time, what makes you think that’ll work the second?” You tease.

He doesn’t seem to like that very much, because with a growl, he pushes the back of your neck until your face falls into the crook of his neck, a strong, bulky arm wrapping around your waist and keeping you in place against his body.

It’d be awfully intimate, and awfully sweet if he didn’t mumble, “I love when you sleep because it’s the only few hours of the day I get to hear you shut the fuck up.”

“Maybe if you’d just appreciated my fun fact—”

“You bit my fucking nipple.”

“I could bite the other one, too, if you want,” you pipe up with an excited grin. He can feel it pressed against his skin as your face buries deeper into the space between his neck and shoulder.

Sukuna is tired. Most of the time, it’s because of you. All of the time, he chooses to allow it because he likes having you around for a good fuck.

(And, of course, there’s all that bullshit about love and affection, too. But that’s just that odd stuff you like to babble about—that odd, unsettling, abnormal and very plainly weird emotional part of you that somehow ropes him into being the same way every once in a while.

He doesn’t like it.)

“You need a lobotomy,” he mutters, wincing when you bite the skin of his neck in response. Not in a manner he likes, either—very much in a manner that makes sure he feels the sharpness of your incisors.

“Don’t be rude,” you scold, “I’m biologically meant to be your predator.”

“You biologically give me fuckin’ migraines.”

You grin—it’s a smile that’s easy. Smooth. Maybe a little giddy, too. It comes out only around Sukuna. Him and his gruff, rugged way of accepting your affection, and his double as rough and crude way of giving it back. His callused hands and toughened knuckles that brush along your cheeks carefully. His crass and undignified words that are carefully thought out enough to never cross the line. His downturned lips and narrowed eyes that only ever soften at the sharp corners around you.

“Next time, I’ll eat you for sure,” you murmur, settling against his chest and getting comfortable. He wraps both arms around you, warm and tight enough that you almost think you can forgo the blanket altogether. “Assert my dominance.”

“You can’t even open the pickle jar.”

“That’s different.”

“It’s only a matter of time until natural selection gets you,” he snickers quietly. You huff, biting back a smile as he yawns.

Gently, with a kiss over the bite mark you left against his neck, you say softly, “goodnight. Love you.”

“Night.”

“I love you.”

“For the love of—love you too, holy fuck. Go to sleep.”

[gor3sigil]

Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.

I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.

Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.

I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.

5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.

I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.

I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.

I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.

I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.

I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.

But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.

I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.

It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.

Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.

It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.

You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.

Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.

Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.

[honey-tongued-devil]

Arcane preference reacting to a s/o with a mental health issues (eating)

My disclaimer, as someone with this issue, I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted. I’ve actually been thinking about it for a while, but I was a bit cowardly about doing it, so I’m taking the opportunity now. I don’t want to go out of character, so I’m sorry if some characters come across as harsher than others. Unfortunately, I know I should write the name of the illness, but if I post it that way, Tumblr will take it down.

Jayce:

- He’s academically intelligent, but it takes him far too long to notice that something’s wrong. But you can’t blame him, it’s something so far removed from him that he couldn’t have understood it sooner.

- When he does realize, his first reaction is panic.

- Jayce can’t feel like just a blade of grass; he feels emotions deeply, taking on any blame, especially if something happens to the people he loves. His first thought is that he did something to make you feel that way, inadequate.

- But once the panic phase ends, the responsibility phase begins.

- He does the grocery shopping, he cooks, and his workouts become more regular, where he has you climb onto his back while doing push-ups or holds you in his arms during other exercises.

- He doesn’t know why you do it, but the quickest way to show you that your weight isn’t a problem is by showing you how easily he lifts you.

- And maybe, if you feel up to it, he can hold you in his arms with one arm supporting you while he cooks, letting you taste various ingredients.

Viktor:

- Unlike Jayce, it only takes two suspicious behaviors in a row for him to understand what’s happening. It’s something far from his world, sure, but he recognizes it.

- And he confronts you. He doesn’t beat around the bush, doesn’t stammer; he might even sound angry because he doesn’t understand why you’d hurt yourself like this and willingly give up your well-being.

- I won’t lie, I doubt that an open discussion about something this delicate with him wouldn’t lead to at least one hysterical cry.

- But he’s not brutal for the sake of being brutal; his suffering and frustration turn into anger. It takes him a while to calm down, but he won’t accept compromises.

- You’ll have meals together at home, either returning to your rooms together or straight to the house, so no one can see you and you won’t feel bad.

- And he won’t force you, he tries to handle it with as much care as possible, but there’s no day that goes by without him getting up from the table if you haven’t eaten at least two food items per meal.

- He loves you too much to see you hurt yourself in that way, and knowing that he can't do anything about it makes him feel powerless.

Ekko:

- It takes him a week—not to understand, but to process it.

- Having grown up in total poverty, the idea of giving up food “for whim” makes him react in a way that is only human.

- And the whole thing is too distant for him: everyone’s skin is grayish, 90% of the population of the Lanes has missing limbs and monstrous prosthetics, and everyone’s goal is to survive as long as possible. What does it mean that you’re against your own survival??

- As unsupportive as he might be regarding the issue, he becomes incredibly vigilant and concerned.

- He’ll always make sure you’re warm enough, that you’re comfortable, and no matter how frustrated he is, he’ll always try to stay close to you, even just holding you in bed until you fall asleep.

- Every single comment you make about your body, he’ll respond with, “Don’t talk about my partner like that,” 

- no one can speak badly of you, not even you.

Vander:

- The most understanding: he was young once too, and although in his size meant an advantage, he and Silco snuck into various galas when they were younger, and there, even though he never had these problems, he would feel a strange sensation seeing that he was the biggest in the room or that it was hard to find someone to steal clothes from that would fit him.

- He doesn’t lecture you or anything like that, he doesn’t get angry despite how he grew up; he just feels sadness for you that you can’t see how little that complex matters and how beautiful you already are.

- His compromise is vegetables. If you don’t feel like eating every meal every day, it doesn’t matter, but at least four days a week, you have to have three meals.

- And for the rest, he’ll cook, making sure to prepare the best dishes made from vegetables so that you don’t feel guilty and your body doesn’t deteriorate.

- But he doesn’t support your illness, he simply ensures that you get everything you need and never go below the necessary intake without having you feeling guilty about it.

Silco:

- Hoping that the most attentive and watchful man in the lanes wouldn't notice how, suddenly, meals go from moments of lightness to something you try to avoid at all costs is a bit foolish, but he says nothing.

- He waits for as long as necessary, basically to see how long it lasts and how much you're not planning to talk to him.

- When he realizes you won’t, not anytime soon, he waits for you to be alone in his office, where you’ll find a slice of cake on his desk. Sure, it’s a low blow, but it’s also the fastest way to get you to confront the issue without too many escape routes.

- He’s a big fan of the saying “dirty laundry is washed in the family,” so if you act strange about meals in front of others, he won’t allow questions or jokes, but in private, he won’t accept “no” for an answer.

- He has enough problems already without you crying from hunger pains or having psychotic episodes due to sugar deficiency, so as long as you're under his watch, under Zaun's eye, he won't let you live with unhealthy standards.

- During meals, he becomes the strictest. He doesn’t say anything, but one look is enough to make you think twice about contradicting him. In the evening, though, when your mental health is most fragile, he becomes gentler, comforting you as much as you need.

Jinx:

- You find fertile ground, but like any good bearer of the same issue: she feels she can do it, but you cannot.

- Being with her or in her space becomes like a live-action version of Thumbelina: she’ll leave sweets, chocolates, things she knows you like to encourage you to eat so you can’t hurt yourself.

- She usually forgets to eat herself when she’s caught up in her studies and work, but if she has someone to care for, it doesn’t matter how, she’ll make sure to remember. Even if it means setting a few colorful bombs with timers.

- She feeds you. In the most visible, worst way. It’s easy that if you turn your head, you’ll find a cookie shoved in your mouth unceremoniously.

- And every single tight-fitting outfit disappears from her lair. Magically, whatever clothes you pick up from her pile fit loosely, but if you ask her about it, she’ll claim she doesn’t know what are you talking about.

Vi:

- Want to see Vi in a panic, becoming super protective and possessive in a way? Just wait for one episode, and you’ll see everything you haven’t seen.

- She’ll check on you at least three times a day, and in the evening, when you have pain or a crisis, she’ll run back and forth from the room, thinking about everything she can do to help you feel better without making you feel guilty.

- During meals, she’ll hold you in her arms and insist that you eat, but not aggressively—in a way that’s almost frightened: she’s always been used to fighting big, real monsters, but even when it came to her sister, she could never defeat the invisible ones, and the fear of failing or hurting someone she loved again terrifies her in an agonizing way.

Caitlyn:

- Like Jayce, she’ll also try a more physical way of reassuring you, like body worshipping when you’re alone or working out with you to show you that your weight doesn’t matter.

- She doesn’t know how to react; she realizes it quite quickly but fears that by acknowledging it, she might only make you feel worse.

- One day, she gathers the courage to ask if everything is okay and tells you that she’s noticed those behaviors. When you open up to her, telling her about the issues, she doesn’t respond right away and simply hugs you.

- She becomes more caring, making sure that you don’t have to attend banquets or dinners where you wouldn’t feel comfortable, bringing you food in your room to eat together, and sometimes even leaving the room so as not to put pressure on you.

- When you mention a craving, she immediately springs into action to get it for you, even if you complain that you weren’t serious. Once she understands how your condition works, she orders everything in three portions, so she can eat with you and then be the first to say that she wants more, asking if you want to share the third portion.

- If you have fat accumulated in any area, she’ll knead it with her hands while kissing you, to let you know that she loves every inch of you.

Mel:

- She notices you're having a crisis before you even realize it yourself.

- She’s a ruler, but what she learned from a young age is that a leader must appear reliable and look good, so even if unconsciously, she too sometimes experiences small crises when she feels like she isn’t looking perfect.

- No conversations, no lectures, just an increase in cuddles, moments of intimacy, and later, she brings home sweets.

- “They were a gift to me today at the council,” she lies, but sometimes she says she got them for both of you.

- She doesn’t want to make you feel like you’re in the wrong.

- She knows that when you’re ready and if you want to, you’ll bring up the issue with her, but for now, the best thing she can do is help you get through the episode with euphoria, love, and treats that encourage you to listen to your hunger rather than the illness.

Sevika:

- Like everyone in Zaun, the idea that someone would voluntarily give up food is simply incomprehensible to her.

- But she won’t comment on your problems. She doesn’t intend to invalidate them, but she also won’t encourage it.

- “Are you sure? That’s a bit too little,” will be her comment when you eat something ridiculously small, before making you a proper portion of food herself. If you try to argue, she’ll respond with a smug smile, saying that if you eat that little, you’ll end up breaking when you’re in bed together.

- If a crisis is particularly bad, she’ll try to finish her work as quickly as possible to be able to stay with you for the rest of the day and not leave you alone.

- As much as possible, she’ll try to get the best, freshest, and most natural food, to reassure you that you don’t need to worry, but she’ll never insist that you eat if you say you don’t feel up to it.

- She’ll gesture for you to come sit on her lap and keep you there, occasionally offering you things she knows you like, telling you that she’s really craving them, and if you want them too, she’ll go get them.