#i want to understand how the mind works in a deeper and more meaningful way

[piscadilly]

if you prioritize fakeclaiming and hostility towards nondisordered systems (traumagenics who do not feel like osdd/did are the proper labels for them, for reasons that they might not want to share with you) as a whole or even just towards endogenics, instead of education or just, i dunno, letting people be and curating your own space accordingly by blocking/muting/scrolling past then you hate a deep-seated hatred within you and no amount of bullying will cure that. and being hostile to other types of systems, regardless of validity or not, is not going to make you More Valid or More Real than other systems.

the existence of endogenics (meaning people who say they are endogenic) has no bearing on the demonization that systems have in society and media. endogenics have 0 bearing or influence on how psychs look at us or treat us, and even less so about the "evil murderous alters" stereotype that has been plaguing the world over the years

(note: i do not support the usage of these labels;) this is where the term sysmed (and traumascum) come from, because the above behavior reflects truscum/transmed rhetoric that transtrenders and nonbinary people existing and being themselves are making a mockery of being transgender, and real transgender people with real dysphoria that makes them fucking miserable.

the high intensity focus and idealization of having to BE disordered (read: miserable and dysfunctional in day to day life) that some did elitists practice and spread around is alienable towards very real and very valid systems that ARE traumagenic. it also ignores that part of recovery is about mitigating the dysfunction, achieving better communication, and for some; final fusion.

shit like "if you experience/do not experience abc/xyz then you are a fake system" does nothing but harm traumagenics, both disordered and nondisordered, who may be experiencing varied symptoms that are still within parameter for being a system of some type. then you can see how terms like sysmed/traumascum get started? because it is almost, ALMOST, a 1:1 of how transmeds behave.

endogenics at the end of the day are not fully affected by this rhetoric, like sure, it hits them, but it's also reminiscent of the meme about a targeted statement gets bounced off a mirror onto another party. it hits them, but it's also bounced off and hits traumagenics as well. by making weird societal structural rules about what makes a system real or fake (that aren't even fully backed in science, psychology, or research) you are gatekeeping a whole slew of people from being in the system community at best, and directing vitriol and harassment towards Real and Actual systems at worst. for no reason other than their system is not a 1:1 recreation of your own. and if you think that last bit is a strawman, then you have not seen what i've seen and i hope you never do.

tl;dr either educate endogenics or people you suspect to be endogenics, AND people who are new to system shit, or just leave them the fuck alone. if they are faking then can learn from it on their own, if they have trauma and don't realize it, again, they can learn on their own. or somebody else well meaning can come along and inform them. harassment and gatekeeping is the exact opposite of helpful and you make people who are supportive of endogenics or neutral on the matter (like i am, the latter) scared of the larger community. you will also end up making newly realized systems who don't know their way around system stuff yet scared to fully research the matter and make their own informed opinion.

if you cannot spare the time, energy, and spoons to educate then let people be stupid or elsewise in their own spaces. somebody else will come along in your stead to educate eventually.

[gay-dorito-dust]

Can I request some domestic Ford x Reader headcanons? Just how they would live together either before portal or after the portal (or both hehe). Ty!

Given how dedicated Ford is to his work, it’s more often then not did you find him sleeping on or in places he probably shouldn’t, you’d try and make his position a little more comfortable by covering him with a blanket or putting a pillow or two under his head in hopes of preventing a crooked neck.

You’d press a kiss to the top of his head and whispered sweet dreams to him, unknown to you that after everything with Bill Ford had became a light sleeper, and so would feel touched whenever you take care of him in small but meaningful ways.

This sweet yet insufferable nerd would find himself captivated by you so much doing mundane things that he ends up drawing them in his note book subconsciously. So much to the point where when he pulls himself out of his own mind, he finds several two page spreads dedicated to you feeding stray cats, talking and or playing with Dipper and Mabel, giving Waddles a bath, or just you standing in the kitchen first thing in the morning looking haggard but beautiful none the less.

Physical touch is his love language followed by acts of service to make up for the fact that he spends most of his time in the lab more so then by your side like he should as your partner. you knew how much his work meant to him but Ford could clearly see the glimmers of his neglect within your eyes when you tell him you understand that his work was high priority.

It hurt him to know that he was the one causing the distance between you two and he felt as though you shouldn’t compromise yourself just to better suit him and his wants and needs. So he’ll always try to make up for his neglect and try to spend his mornings with you by making you breakfast and bring it to bed for you with the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen on his face. Ford only wanted to repay you for being there for him while condemning himself for not tearing the favour.

‘Normally you’d be in the lab by now.’ You pointed out as you watched as he slipped back into bed with you, something he rarely did since he was more often than not fast asleep on that makeshift bed down in the lab.

Ford feels just how cold his side of your supposedly shared bed was and could only imagine the amount of times where you’ve fell asleep alone, dreaming of the day where he’d come up and join you, only to frequently be greeted with the sight of an empty and cold mattress instead of him.

Why he never comes to your shared room was a mystery to even himself as he felt it went a lot deeper then him just being sleepy, was it because he didn’t feel as though he should share a bed with you after the amount of times he has neglected you for his work? Possibly but he wanted to change that and stop being absent in your relationship.

‘I fear I haven’t been the best of romantic partners as of late and for that I must apologise and make things right by you.’ He replied and you placed a hand over his own, squeezing it reassuringly. ‘I won’t disagree with you there but please take your time Ford, I’m not going anywhere.’ You tell him softy and Ford was once again proven why he didn’t deserve you nor your kindness.

So Ford would slowly start to do things for you that he knew you were less then wanting to do unless it was the last resort whether it be washing the dishes or tying your shoes when the laces come undone and you huff in annoyance. Anything that maybe an inconvenience to you Ford will do for you instead so that you don’t have to bother with it.

He’s got a good memory and knows your likes and dislikes like the back of his hand and he treasures this knowledge greatly, no notebook needed when it comes to you that you feel seen and loved whenever he remembers the little bits about you that would go over someone’s head.

Like how you like your morning drink, how you like your sandwiches cut, your favourite flower, your favourite memory-which was of the time the Mabel drew on him and thrown glitter on his red turtleneck while covering his hands in her sticker collection- and how you loved to steal his turtlenecks because you miss him whenever he’s in the lab.

So he starts to leave his favoured red turtleneck where he knows you frequent as he hides nearby to watch you smile softly and wear the turtleneck for the rest of the day. Whatever made you happy made him happy in return, being in a relationship with him may have not been that easy but he thanked you for staying with him when you could’ve left him.

Listens to you speak and could listen to you talk the day away and it could pertain to anything and everything, Ford just likes hearing you speak passionately about things you loved or have experienced while out in town and come home just to tell him. So much so that he gets this look in his eye whenever you speak about your daily activity that you’d have to stop and ask; ‘what’s with that look in your eye?’

He doesn’t understand what you meant by that and asks himself; ‘what look my dear?’

You: the one that you get whenever you’re really interested in what I’m saying, even if it’s boring.

Ford: because what you’re saying is investing to me, even if it may seem boring to you but to me I’m just being feed more reasons why I adore you.

You burrow your head into the Turtleneck you stole from him because of the feelings he brought out within your chest.

You would return the favour by listening to him speak his mind about the oddities of Gravity Falls in depth and his theories about how many more of them could be out there, waiting to be discovered and documented. He even told you about the time he drop kicked Gnomes once, the mental image of it made you laugh.

Ford is a bit of a homebody when it comes to date nights, not for any reason in particular, other than the fact he wanted to be focused on you and only you. So Mabel helps him plan for these dates in extensive detail, even if it was written in glittery pink gel pen. Most of the time you spend it on the roof of the shack where you can watch the stars come out while enjoying the others company.

It wasn’t much but it was much to you and Ford as you rest your head on his shoulder, take in the fact that he was here with you and inevitably fall asleep on his shoulder after he rests his head atop of your own, whispering sweet dreams to you this time before he manages to carry you back to bed; where this time he joins you and brings you into his arms tightly before falling asleep himself, warning his side of the bed at long last.

Also you probably have to patch him up after he goes out monster hunting, the man maybe smart be he’s often times reckless with himself. Also kiss his scars please he’ll love you for infinity if you did so, and also kiss his hands for he had gotten unnecessarily picked on about and call them his unique gift that he shouldn’t be ashamed of, you thought having six fingers was cool. You’ll have that man melting faster then butter if you do and you get to see his hardened face become soft and tender that you can’t help but smother in kisses.

[highblkfemsociety]

Finishing Strong: A Guide to Ending the Year with Intention

Hello Beautiful,

As we enter the final quarter of the year, it’s time to reassess, realign, and step into our power. For the high-achieving woman, Q4 is the perfect opportunity to manifest abundance, success, and peace. The last stretch of the year can be incredibly transformative if you take the time to focus on intentional growth and clarity. This guide will help you make the most of it.

Vision Boarding: Your Visual Blueprint for Success

A vision board is more than just a collection of inspiring images— it’s a visual roadmap to your goals. As the year draws to a close, this tool can help you stay aligned with your deepest desires and prevent distractions from trends that may not serve your higher purpose.

Why Vision Boarding Works:

Clarifies intentions: Visualizing your goals helps solidify them in your mind.

Amplifies focus: It’s easier to stay on track when you can see success every day.

Boosts motivation: A visual reminder reignites passion when the journey gets tough.

Tracks progress: As you achieve goals, you can reflect on how far you’ve come.

Encourages self-reflection: It’s a tool for assessing what truly matters to you, even as life shifts.

How to Create an Inspiring Vision Board:

Set your intentions: Before you begin, ask yourself what you truly want to manifest in the final months of the year. Be specific. Is it financial abundance? Career growth? Deeper self-love?

Gather visuals: Find images, quotes, and affirmations that align with your intentions. These can come from magazines, online, or even personal photographs that symbolize your goals.

Display with purpose: Place your vision board somewhere you’ll see it daily. It could be your workspace, bedroom, or even your phone wallpaper—wherever it can regularly inspire you.

Review regularly: As the quarter progresses, check in with your board. Adjust it as needed, whether adding new goals or removing old ones.

Vision boarding is not just about aesthetics; it’s a way to stay grounded in your purpose and connected to your inner desires. This practice empowers you to remain authentic and committed to meaningful objectives, ensuring you don’t stray from your path as the year winds down.

Journaling for Clarity: Unlocking Your True Potential

Along with vision boarding, journaling is an essential practice for self-discovery and personal growth. It allows you to access your innermost thoughts, uncover desires, and identify areas where you need to pivot or push harder.

The Benefits of Journaling for Clarity:

Fosters self-awareness: Writing helps you process emotions and ideas, leading to deeper understanding.

Refines your objectives: Journaling can reveal what’s most important to you, helping to prioritize goals.

Uncovers hidden strengths: Often, we don’t recognize our capabilities until we reflect on them through writing.

Helps you strategize: By identifying potential obstacles, you can develop plans to overcome them.

Enhances focus and motivation: Regular journaling keeps your objectives clear, making it easier to stay disciplined.

Journaling Prompts for a Powerful Q4:

What do I want to achieve by the end of this year?

What obstacles have held me back in the past, and how can I overcome them?

What are my strengths, and how can I leverage them to reach my goals?

How do I want to feel when I look back on this year in December?

What am I grateful for right now, and how can I use that energy to propel me forward?

When you make journaling a part of your daily routine, you create space for clarity and creativity. This practice is especially powerful for manifesting success and growth because it fosters a mindset of continuous self-improvement and reflection.

Mindset Shifts: The Power of Affirmations and Mental Resets

The final quarter is not just about working toward your goals but also about transforming your mindset to support your journey. Affirmations and mental resets are two key strategies for doing this.

Why Mindset Matters:

Success isn’t just about hard work; it’s about believing you are worthy of the results. Affirmations are a daily tool to remind yourself of your power and potential. Whether you say them in front of a mirror or write them in your journal, affirmations help shift limiting beliefs into empowering ones.

Examples of Affirmations for a Powerful Q4:

I am deserving of all the abundance that is coming my way.

I am capable of achieving everything I set my mind to.

I am worthy of success, love, and happiness.

I trust the process and know that everything is unfolding for my highest good.

I release any doubts and embrace my power fully.

Daily mental resets can also help you stay grounded when challenges arise. These can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths, practicing meditation, or taking a short walk to clear your mind. By intentionally resetting, you can approach tasks with renewed energy and focus.

As the year draws to a close, the fourth quarter provides an opportunity for reflection, growth, and manifestation. Whether through vision boarding, journaling, or affirmations, reclaim your power and finish the year with intention.

How are you planning to end the year with intention? Share your goals and insights below!

Check out our Instagram & Facebook for more!

[moonkissedvisions]

𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕿𝖆𝖗𝖔𝖙 𝖇𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖍 𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖘 ☾

UNVEIL THE CORE ESSENCE OF YOUR BEING, PERSONALITY, AND PURPOSE WITH TAROT CARDS

Introduction:

We understand all Tarot cards as symbols. They essentially represent different aspects of our lives that reside in our souls and our subconscious minds. When we read Tarot cards, we are reading our energy, we are intuitively looking at our subconscious. We think of them as a mirror that reflects the multiple dimensions of our spirit to help us understand situations much better, and make our life more conscious and meaningful.

What are Tarot birth cards?

Tarot birth cards are symbols that shape our identity and lives from the moment we are born. They are our essence, an energy imprint, or even a map - like a birth chart but for Tarot cards- that can unlock a new understanding of ourselves, and all the potential of our life purpose.

Each of us has a pair of Major Arcana cards that represent our core self, so today I decided to explain all combinations. I explained the cards separately so you can combine them and see intuitively how they play out in your life.

Also, be noted that I only explain the "light" manifestation of each of them. So for example, if it says "selfless" the shadow aspect/backward expression of them is the opposite, "selfish". Or if it says "truth-seeker" its shadow would be "know-it-all". If you are curious about the shadow aspect of your birth cards or anything about them you can send me a question and I'll be happy to help.

Hey, don't forget to check out the awesome video link at the end of the post! It's worth watching if you want to dive deeper into the topic. Have a great time exploring!

Now let´s calculate yours!

and hope you enjoy it *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

How do I calculate mine?

The easiest way for me is to use the same method that we use to calculate our Life path number in numerology:

We add each digit of our birth date

m+m+d+d+y+y+y+y

Example: 11/22/1989

1+1+2+2+1+9+8+9= 33

2. We reduce it

3+3= 6

6 is The Lovers and The Devil (6 and 15).

As you can see, we got a pair of numbers that corresponds to a pair of Major Arcana cards.

important: IF YOU GET A 19, YOU HAVE TO REDUCE IT TWICE AND YOU´LL GET 3 MAJOR ARCANA: 19 (The Sun) -> 1+9=10 (The Wheel of Fortune) -> 1+0=1 (The Magician).

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

1 and 10: The Magician, The Wheel of Fortune

The Magician: This energy has the ability to manifest anything. Your essence is skilled, cunning, tricky, scheming. You posses autonomy and initiative. You are an independent thinker. You have a great potential, but you also put in the work and have a lot of fun in the process. You are diplomatic and you reject bias. Entrepreneur. Self-motivated. You are honest and direct.

The Wheel of Fortune: You are lucky or at least, you know how to feel lucky to attract blessings. You understand the cycles of life and therefore you have the ability to co-create with the Universe intelligently. You often get surprised by the events in your life. You know how to use opportunities in your favor. Manifesting is something that you probably did consciously since young.

19: The Sun (ALSO READ 1 AND 10)!

Adding to 1 and 10 cards, The Sun supplies your soul of creativity, popularity, happiness, honesty, harmony and serenity. You are a good friend. You are loyal and bring harmony, love and satisfaction to everyone´s lives. You are a leader, a celebrity, and people look up to you.

2 and 11: The High Priestess, Justice

The High Priestess: You are sensitive and wise. You are aware of the subtle, small details. You are able to find the point of unity, the basics of the Universe, and you understand how everything is connected. You are intuitive, compassionate, and loving. You excel at anything related to the occult, the mysteries of the Universe and human psyche, and anything related to relationships, unions, and secrets.

Justice: You are unbiased, rational, harmonious. You know what´s right and what´s wrong and trust in natural order and the balance of things. You value truth more than anyone else. You are good with law, philosophy, and karma.

2 and 20: The High Priestess, Judgment

Same qualities above for the High Priestess, combined with Judgment.

Judgment: The Judgment card adds in to the HP themes of awakening, spirituality, renovation. You may be someone who questions the status quo and the established norms and structures. You have the calling to awaken other people so you can rebuild and improve the system. You could connect to different dimensions and be a medium or have psychic abilities. You are otherworldly. You are also highly empathetic and sensitive.

3 and 12: The Empress, The Hanged Man

The Empress: You enjoy helping other people, creating, and giving birth to something. You embody kindness, intelligence, expressiveness, communication and abundance. You are dynamic and could be good at doing many things, you likely do all at the same time. You are good at communicating your ideas with others and you give others creative insights.

The Hanged Man: You are artistic, original, altruistic and idealistic. You see the world from a different perspective and you always contribute with clever ideas. You are witty and have the potential to become a genius. You are generous.

3 and 21: The Empress, The World

Here the qualities of the Empress are combined with those of The World card, so your creativity results in perfection, success, wholeness, finding your place in the world, feeling and being rewarded, self-realization. You are someone generous who help people with their creations and you make them realize their special place in the world as well. You are greatly admired. You are positive about people and life.

4 and 13 : The Emperor, Death

The Emperor: You are gifted with stability, strength, structure and practicality. You are powerful, hard-working and generous. You have integrity and good morals. You protect what needs protection and give structure and functionality to things. You are methodical and pragmatic.

Death: Death combined with the Emperor can reestructure and make radical changes to the world. You know when things need to die and be rebirthed in new forms. You can transform the world with authority, integrity and diligency.

In case you got 4 and 22, The 22 can be considered The Fool. You can either consider the Fool along with The Emperor and Death, or only read the explanation above and dismiss it. If you choose to consider the Fool, read below:

The Fool: I picture it as if you were the Emperor but with a good sense of humor, carefree, crazy, not making sense at times, chaotic, and extravagant. It makes me think of "dad jokes". You do not take anything too seriously. You restructured things spontaneously and the result may not make a lot of sense. Or it could be that you make more of a freedom-oriented restructure/change. You are an innocent and energetic leader. Maybe you don´t even understand why people may see you as a leader or follow you, because you don´t even take yourself seriously and are very disorganized, lol.

(edit): When I was writing about this combo, the new president of Argentina Javier Milei came to my mind. He talks about re-structuring the country, making economic transformations, solving the problems of the economy and poverty, and changing the country for the better. But he also has a silly personality, he's kinda funny and people make fun of him, they call him crazy, they even speculate about him having mental illnesses, and he doesn't make sense to A LOT of people. At that time I was lazy to search for his number but I just did and you know what? He is a 4 and a 22. 😳

5 and 14: The Hierophant, Temperance

The Hierophant: You are a teacher, someone wise who shares their knowledge and wisdom. You are patient, merciful, and modest. You guide others to goodness. You respect religion, tradition and family structures with open-mindedness and flexibility. You see everything as an experience and adventure and you like exploring different philosophies without getting attached.

Temperance: You can adapt to different people, ideas and environments, and you can bring different people together with peace, harmony and respect. You have the ability to solve conflicts. This combo makes a mentor, a guru, or a coach. You are balanced in logic and emotions and you are seen as mature.

6 and 15 (or 33): The Lovers, The Devil

The Lovers: Opposite forces, love, complements. You know how to love, not only other people but the whole Universe. You are a sensual person. You appreciate beauty, art and can excel at many different things. You are a gentle person who is good at making decisions that brings in the frequency of love to your environment. Everything you do is coded with love and passion.

The Devil: You are passionate, magnetic. You border limits. You are highly influential in whatever you do. You can control and manipulate others, which is not necessarily a bad thing, it´s just that you understand human psychology and can easily get the attention of others. With this combo you can captivate, tempt and induce lust and desire in others, so you may be working in art, music, writing, marketing, design, even animation and programming.

I also like to think of The Lovers as oxytocin and The Devil as adrenaline/dopamine. Dopamine and oxytocin together make love and bring new life into the world.

7 and 16: The Chariot, The Tower

The Chariot: You are someone intelligent, energetic, analytic, and introspective, who fights for radical changes and the evolution of society. You are a truth-seeker. You are fearless. You challenge the status quo and strive for spiritual and material progress. You are curious and love to learn new things that can change the world for the better.

The Tower: You mercilessly and strongly destruct what doesn´t serve the evolution of society and humanity. You break the equilibrum to build a better one. You are a rebel. You know that the truth always comes to light, and you also make it happen. You show the world what they couldn´t see and that's why you could be triggering. But it´s for the good. You challenge wrong convictions, judgments and beliefs, and you completely destruct them.

8 and 17: Strength, The Star

Strength: You are someone resilient. You know the importance of controlling your actions, impulses, thoughts, emotions and everything you do with mental strength and intelligence. You know that if you manage your own forces, you can achieve all of your goals and also help others do the same. You are very determined and optimistic. You like to work hard, not only for yourself but for others. You are an example of the word management and you like being in charge.

The Star: You give others hope and enlightment. You are inspiring. You can provide a lot of healing and regeneration. You are selfless and generous. You are strong in faith, and that way you can give others the reassurance that they need. You see the good in everything and that is what helps you get you good results and be succesful.

9 and 18: The Hermit, The Moon

The Hermit: You are interested in seeing what others can´t see. You look through things. You are deeply intuitive and contemplative. You search for answers in yourself by being in silence, in solitude, and looking inwards at your subconscious mind. You are wise, capable of offering advice and solving problems or mysteries. You are the healer who heals yourself first. You are personally uninterested in worldly matters and detached from the material.

The Moon: You can see through illusions and imagination because you connect to the dream realm. You are a good psychoanalyst. You are good with the occult. You are attracted to the unknown. You are a researcher, a detective, a healer of the most mysterious diseases. You are deeply spiritual and adventurous.

Carl Jung had this combo as his birth cards and I think this quote from him really represents it: Who looks outside dreams (The Moon), who looks inside awakes (The Hermit). The funny thing is, I didn´t know he had them when I read it and thought about the cards, but I was sure he had to be and I searched it, lol. I also have these as my cards so...

✯¸.•´*¨`*•✿ ✿•*`¨*`•.¸✯

I hope you enjoyed this post and that it was helpful! Thank you for your support and please, keep supporting me if you like this one 🌷

video about birth cards

PAC: Messages from the Divine Feminine

PAC: Healing Messages

PAC: Your beauty

PAC: Your natural gifts

[livums]

Liv’s {Totally Optional Non-Mandatory Completely Voluntary} Pointers for Fleshing Out Character Relationships

Hi I’m liv e. and by middling demand I am going to blab a liiittle* bit about relationships.

So I will start by saying that I’m trained & licensed as a marriage and family therapist. So this is kind of what I do all fucking week. And I like this whole writeblr thing so why not make it fun and about fiction instead. LOL.

The purpose of this liiiiittle** post is to offer some ways in which you, a writer (great job btw!), might deepen your own understanding of the relationships between two or more characters in your writing. More specifically, by thinking a little deeper about how relationships function in real life.

These are ways in which I might conceptualize a relationship between people who seek my services as a clinician.

A small disclaimer: the VAST majority of my work is with couples (because I. prefer to see couples over families, lol), so this advice is coming from that perspective. Please keep in mind also that there are certainly infinite other ways to think about relationships. This is just the way I was trained. Or at least, the parts of my training that resonated with me the most, especially as I began writing more seriously.

My hope is that reading and practicing/toying around with these tips will help add another dimension to how relationships play out in your writing. So um. Cheers! Let’s chat.

*it’s not a little. it’s a lot.

**it’s a long post.

i. What I Say vs. What I Mean

When was the last time your partner or good friend pissed you off?

Maybe they were flippant about your feelings. Maybe they blew you off to hang out with someone else. Maybe they keep loading the dishwasher like a neanderthal.

And did you say to them, “Baby/honey/sweetums/bestie, it really upsets me when you load the dishwasher like that. I’ve asked you to do it X way several times, and it feels like you’re not listening to me, or that you don’t care about how I feel” ?

Probably not? Because, hello? (If you did, first try, then, wow! you’re a better person than i’ll ever be.)

You might’ve said “Dude, stop cramming shit in the dishwasher like it’s a fucking suitcase,” or “Haha, wow, again with the dishwasher. Awesome. No, it’s like, whatever.“ Or you might not’ve said anything at all, on purpose.

There is a tension that exists, there, in the CONTRAST between what we are thinking/feeling/meaning (e.g., I love you/I miss you/You hurt me) and what we are communicating via our words and actions (e.g., You never make time for me/You’re so lazy/You’re such a(n) [expletive of choice]).

That tension is ... really fucking interesting to read, huh!

Personally, I have a lot of fun watching the needs/wants/feelings of a character (that we might be privy to, as readers) get filtered through their unique... voice.

So say you write a character who is quite rough around the edges, and not very skilled in affection. They have a deep yearning to be close to [love interest], but they just aren’t accustomed to languaging their true feelings. Maybe we see how scared they are of putting their feelings out there. It’s vulnerable. It’s terrifying.

So instead of “I really care about you, [love interest]”, maybe it comes out something more like “Don’t you have anything better to do with your time than follow me around all fucking day?”

And we, the readers, are like, wow! That’s not what you were thinking at all man! You’re so bad at this, that’s awesome.

So the point of all this is that it’s very helpful to clarify for yourself, in any meaningful interaction between characters in or soon-to-be-in a relationship:

What are the characters individually thinking during this interaction? What are the emotions that are present? How does it show in their body or their movements? Are they careful not to let these things show, or do they not notice at all?

How are they expecting this interaction to go? (Are they afraid something might go wrong? Are they looking for a certain reaction from each other?)

What DON’T they know about what the other person is thinking? What are their assumptions about how the other person perceives them--in general, and in this moment?

What is the GAP or the CONTRAST between all of the above and what actually ends up coming out of their mouth? Or what actions they end up physically taking (or not taking)?

Are the characters aware of their own contrast, here? How do they feel about it? Or, do they think they are being perfectly congruent?

In this way, you have the ability, as a writer, to create some devastatingly (or delightfully) poignant moments between characters. These are the moments that can really sell the reader on the relationship--its importance (why are you showing us this?) and its appeal (thank you for showing us this, this blew our tits off, etc).

ii. Tender Spots and How to Attack Them for Fun and Profit

So we’ve got issues.

What are the things that really fuckin get at you? Those topics that, when brought up, make you really upset and really defensive at like, mach speed. Maybe you’re insecure about your skills. Maybe it really bothers you when people see you as weak/unintelligent/a burden/unattractive. Maybe you have a rough and complicated relationship with a family member.

So these can be thought of as, like, tender spots (lol). You can also think of them as “raw” spots, sensitive spots, or triggers.

Figure out what your characters’ are!

This is another key way in which you can create deep and believable interpersonal drama--Character A (accidentally or intentionally) stomps all over Character B’s sensitive spots. So to speak.

A very cursory and relatively uncomplicated example of this in action:

Tasha and Mimi are two adults in a committed partnership.

Mimi’s got a real fucking chip on her shoulder about being seen as a burden--her father always went to great lengths to make sure she knew just how much he did for her, just how many opportunities he passed up in order to raise her, just how great his life would have been if she’d never been born.

Tasha is the oldest of five siblings. She was frequently tasked with their care, growing up. She did her best not to complain, as her parents were always very busy working to keep a roof over their head. So, Tasha did her part. She would’ve loved to rest and play and goof off like other kids and teens, sure, but it never felt possible with all of her responsibilities.

Mimi is suddenly injured and is unable to do certain things on her own that she had been doing before. Tasha goes about taking care of these things as well as taking on certain other tasks on her own that the pair of them may have tackled as a team before. Tasha feels stretched very thin by the workload, but is deeply concerned about how Mimi feels. There’s nothing to be done about the situation, she reasons, so there’s no point in complaining about how stressed out she is.

Mimi offers to help to the best of her ability, but Tasha is very concerned about her, and insists that Mimi rest and not exert herself. Mimi insists back. Tasha insists back back.

Mimi points out how stressed Tasha must be. Tasha agrees that she is stressed, but does not elaborate on her feelings. Mimi assumes that Tasha must think that she is a burden.

Mimi then becomes very emotionally activated--she is reminded, consciously or unconsciously, of how shitty it felt to have her father tell her over and over again what a burden she is, and how better off he would be without her. So this must be how Tasha really feels about her, Mimi accuses.

Tasha, who is very stressed but who cares very deeply for Mimi and her well-being, and who does not see Mimi as just a burden, becomes very activated in turn--she feels maligned and misunderstood. And now she certainly can’t talk about how stressed out she is, because it will only convince Mimi that she is right.

So Tasha is now convinced that she must continue to hold her feelings in in order to keep the peace--she’s reminded of her childhood spent taking care of others, and how she never felt allowed to express herself.

This example is obviously from a very zoomed-out view, chronologically, and is not exactly the way we would see it written in fiction (fiction is much more moment-by-moment and, well, exciting, usually). BUT we can see where Tasha and Mimi’s sensitivities lie, and how they specifically hurt each other with their behavior (unintentionally, in this case) by stomping RIGHT ON those sensitivities.

Readers love drama. And drama makes the plot go ‘round! So don’t be afraid to lay it on them!

In your (very good and compelling) writing, ESPECIALLY if you want to write engaging relational conflict, you would do well to clarify what your characters’ deepest sensitivities are. Consider the following:

What needs went unmet for them, growing up? A very cliche therapist-y question, but for good reason--our upbringing is where many of our deepest insecurities originate.

Additionally/alternatively, what do your characters understand to be their role in relation to other people? E.g., are they always the caretaker, the burden, the comic relief, the heartbreaker, the lonely hero, the boss? How did they first get this idea of who they’re ‘supposed’ to be towards others, and how was this reinforced throughout their life? Are they satisfied or dissatisfied with their ‘lot in life’? What do they hate about their ‘role’, if anything?

What sorts of situations might remind them of what they hate most about this role? E.g. ‘I enjoy taking care of others, and I’m good at it, but my partner gets upset if I discuss how stressed I get sometimes--I’m never allowed to express myself.’ How can you incorporate these situations into your story to create conflict?

How does your character respond when these sensitivities are triggered? Do they lash out? Do they retreat and get quiet? Do they ghost people altogether?

What do they think will happen if they are unwilling or unable to fulfill this role in their relationships with others? E.g., ‘My partner will leave me if I am not a good caretaker’, ‘Nothing will get done right if I’m not the one taking charge’, ‘If I don’t keep others at arms’ length, even if they say they love me, I’ll end up hurt.’

This is another way in which you can help your relationships really come to life! Anyways. Read on for more cheer and relational joy!

iii. We’re Attracted to What Hurts Us Sometimes, AKA Oops! I Ran into the Knife, Ten Times,

(less of a part 3 and more a part 2.5, but it was simply too long. so,)

So maybe you have a good idea of what your ideal partner/bestie looks like. It’s probably any number of positive traits: kind, considerate, good sense of humor, shapely posterior, ambitious, active, fun-loving, studious, etc.

What probably don’t make the list are things like: emotionally distant like my mother with whom I long to have a reparative experience.

Maybe you’ve witnessed (or been in) a relationship wherein all parties can be described as ‘just so bad for each other’. And maybe this relationship should not have lasted as long as it did (or shouldn’t be lasting as long as it is). And maybe you’re like--’Why are these assholes still together?’ Or, importantly: ‘Why did these assholes get together at all?’ The answer may surprise you! But more likely, it won’t.

Sometimes, we pick people on purpose specifically because they stab us right in the sensitive spot (again. so to speak).

(i should clarify before moving on: I am specifically NOT talking about relational abuse, here. That’s kind of an entirely different subject that is like. the cousin of this subject. In this discussion, I specifically mean relationships in which there is no major power differential--you’re just bad for each other. These relationships can be what we might call ‘toxic’, sure, and painful, but not abusive. The distinction is important, moving forward. ok ty)

[Author’s Note: I need everyone to know that I wrote and subsequently deleted 700 words here because I realized they didn’t make any fucking sense ok. let’s try this one more time.]

Essentially, it’s a known phenomenon among humans that, when we have experience with relational distress in the past (e.g. a partner who neglected you emotionally, or parents who disregarded boundaries you tried to set), we like to seek out similar people with whom to form relationships. Weird! But not really.

The human brain seeks closure and resolution--where we couldn’t get things to work out with our parents, or our exes, we try to get the same situations to work out next time, with someone new.

Let’s look at another example, together. Take my hand,

Suppose you write a character (Character A) whose mother was in and out of their life from a young age, and never seemed to prioritize them. Now suppose you are looking to craft a fraught or tragic or dramatic romance (or other relationship) with this character. Using what you’ve written of your first character’s backstory, you can do just that!

It’s perfectly believable, you know now, for your Character A to pursue a love interest (Character B) who has a tendency to... not want to stick around. Maybe this love interest seems to fear commitment and intimacy.

Now, maybe Character B in actuality has a very dangerous profession that requires that they maintain the utmost discretion, and be ready to flee anywhere at a moment’s notice. Maybe the fate of the city/kingdom/nation/world relies on B’s profession.

It probably doesn’t make them leaving all the time hurt A any less, though.

Character A, unconsciously or not, is determined to make things work this time around. As the relationship deepens, B is faced again and again with the choice--stay, for your love, or go, as duty commands. Maybe they’ve taken a vow for their profession that is no light thing. They leave, time and time again.

Character A, unconsciously or not, remembers this feeling--it’s an old one. Mother, time and time again, chose something else over them. It would be understandable for A to feel a deep anger towards Mom and B both. Maybe A takes drastic action to get back at B (action that is also, symbolically, retaliatory towards Mom)--maybe they cheat on B, or do something that endangers their own safety.

When all they really want is just to get B to stay.

It’s probably very clear now why it’s not so simple a thing for A to choose to date someone more consistent--this is something that goes beyond B alone.

In this way, you can very easily weave themes into the relationship(s) of your main characters. Maybe the story of A explores the pain of abandonment, or loneliness. If B is the protagonist, maybe the story explores the way we excuse our shitty behavior in relationships (maybe the job is a pretext--maybe they really are scared of commitment), or maybe it’s about the dilemma of duty over love.

Relationships don’t always make sense. Or rather, they do make sense, just in a different way than we might expect. You can use this understanding now to intentionally explore a number of complex relationship dynamics, and to create nuanced (but sympathetic) characters. As you do, consider:

In your existing characters’ relationships--what keeps these assholes together? Why do they have to be with each other, as opposed to anyone else? This is important, again, for selling the reader on the relationship, especially if it’s your work’s main relationship.

What initially attracted your characters to each other? Consider again from the previous section (what is this, a fucking textbook?) the historically unmet needs of your character(s).

How do your characters go about expressing their needs? Think again about CONTRAST here--what is the discrepancy between what the actual need is, and how the character seeks to fulfill it? E.g. ‘I need to keep B from leaving me, because it really hurts me when they go, so I’ll go risk my life just to keep their attention (rather than express this pain to them).’

What similarities, if any, exist between your MC’s relationships with the people in their present lives, and your MC’s childhood relationship(s) with their caregiver(s)? Could you expand on/deepen any similarities in your writing? What themes might emerge if you did?

iv. Change / The Arc

So you’ve got your work’s central relationship. It’s believable, it’s just the right amount of dramatic, it’s suitably tragic, and just all-around devastating. People will cry. Great job!

Now what?

Well, that depends--what ending do you envision for your relationship?

If they remain together, do they get the happily ever after? The happy-for-now? Is the reader left to wonder about whether or not their relationship will survive?

Do they not make it at all? Are they separated by tragedy? Do they crash and burn? Or maybe they try their best, but despite how badly they love each other, it’s just not enough?

Whatever the Point B of the relationship is, if it’s central to the work, you’re gonna want to have a clear arc in there. Or not, idk, I’m not your mom.

You might already know, if you inhale every piece of writing advice you come across (like me), what makes a compelling character arc. The good news is that it’s much the same with relationships! Kind of.

Systems (relationships) tend towards homeostasis. Without deliberate intervention, relationships want to remain the way they’ve always been. Just like people!

And just like characters, relationships need a reason to change. Like a catalyst, or a motivation. Whatever the hell you wanna call it.

It’s not always, like, complicated to figure out the driving force behind change in your central relationships. Sometimes the pieces fall together!

Pay attention to the characters within the relationship--as your characters progress through their arcs, their relationship will naturally shift. It will probably not look exactly the same as it did when it began--there might be similarities, of course (they’re not entirely different people.. usually. And there’s a beauty to bookending a story with the familiar, certainly). But in this case, the relationship can be thought of as an extra character, almost. It’s unsatisfying to read a whole story wherein a central character stays exactly the same. It’s further strange and incongruent for a relationship to stay exactly the same while the characters have like, achieved actualization or whatever.

Outside events can force change on a relationship, just as they do individual characters. A couple that’s close to Characters A and B get married--and A & B start to wonder what their future together even looks like. B’s company hires a fiiiine honey, who’s exactly B’s type, and A starts steaming about it. A pandemic ravages the nation, and to prevent the spread of the virus, A and B have to stay inside togeth

YOU GET IT ok anyways I’m fucking tired of writing. If you’re wanting to develop the arc of your MCs’ relationship(s), think on some of this:

Do your characters see any problem(s) present in their relationship? Are they all equally aware of the problem(s)? Do they agree on what the problem(s) are?

How secure are your characters in their relationship? If anything could possibly cause doubt and conflict to arise, what is it?

Where do your characters see their relationship going in the near future? In the far future? Do their visions align? If not, how do they differ? Do they even want the same thing?

Is the arc of the central relationship congruent with the arcs of the characters who comprise it? I.e. does the relationship remain exactly the same as it was when it started, despite the characters undergoing wild metamorphoses? Is the reverse true?

When you think about their relationship, INDEPENDENT of any ending you may already have decided, where do you see it going? Like, where do these people feel like they’re headed, realistically? Does this align with the ending you’ve decided on for them? If not, this doesn’t mean you’ve written a bad relationship or anything, it’s just a possible sign that some really intense shit might have to happen in order to shift their course, y’know? Or not--the world is your oyster and you are the God of your own creation!

What are you trying to say with your story, and do the arcs of the central relationships reflect that message?

final thots

If you read all that shit, thank you. I wrote it all in one sitting and posted it without proofreading 💜

In all seriousness, I want to emphasize that, although some of these aspects of relationships are most visible in rels with a lot of anguish and maybe even some toxicity, you by no means have to write this kind of relationship in order to make use of these tips. You could write a very Normal couple!

The idea is to offer you some avenues through which to consider aspects of your characters’ psychology and personalities, and how they mesh or clash with their partners’ or besties’.

Anyways I hope this was helpful. I love talking about relationships I could literally go on and on all day. Which I kind of just did so. lol.

I’ve been liv and I’ve got two main WIPs I’m working on right now: The Romance of the Demigods and The Marking Blood and they’re full of really really super normal relationships and examples of me definitely taking my own fucking advice.

Cheers and happy writing! 💖💖💖

[wrengaunt]

I’m back ! 🥹

It's been a difficult few months, and I chose to focus on my mental health and just draw some silly things I didn’t share, just to brighten up some of my friends' days a bit.

But I'm back with an adorable little Sebinis, and in collab with the best of all, @pufflehuffing ! I jump on her fics every time a new one come out, and I'm literally crazy about every of her WIP. I’ll put a little snippet on here. Go HERE to read the kiss scene 🥹💛 It’s adorable, fluffy and so cute. I love it, and I’m honored my art is linked to one of her work 🥺

My fav dialogue of this fic is just under this ⬇️

"Can I tell you something?"

He’s still hesitant, but Sebastian can tell he’s ready. So, he nods once again, silently urging him to give it a try, to speak up and go ahead. He's here, and he's waiting, and nothing will change that.

"I'm really scared of relationships," Ominis begins softly, face downcast as he mumbles. "I've never been in one before, and I've witnessed how they can end. And I just… I just don't want to get hurt."

The real core fear. Fear of being hurt. And underneath it all, even more deeply buried, is his fear of being abandoned. Sebastian knows he has only the thinnest thread to start pulling on, but he has to try. He's already brought Ominis this far. He's not going to stop now.

"You're absolutely right," he replies slowly, making sure his words are meaningful and impactful. Because the last thing he wants to do is say something that reinforces those fears. "But you know what I've learned? Love always carries with it the risk of pain. Even at the best of times, it's never easy or simple."

He lets those words hang in the air for a bit, letting Ominis take the ideas in. Because ultimately, he’s got to be the one to make his mind up. He has got to be the one to decide what he’s willing to risk… and what he’s willing to hold back.

"But the thing that makes love so beautiful," Sebastian continues softly, knowing that he's getting deeper into his troubled mind now, "is that it's totally worth it. Because… even if it ends with… pain, that pain tells you one thing."

He leans closer.

"That you lived it. That you took a risk and allowed yourself to feel something real and meaningful. And you shouldn't regret that. Because it only ends with pain because you actually cared. And caring in the first place was worth it."

Ominis starts sobbing again, not from sadness, but from understanding. Him understanding.

"You've been hurt before," Sebastian guesses, but the way he says it tells Ominis he's not making a casual observation. "Maybe it's from your family, or a friend, or who knows? All I'm saying is that it happened. So, you learned to guard yourself. And you know what? That's okay. That's actually smart."

"It's not," Ominis chuckles, his voice frail. "Because now I'm crying in a hallway over something stupid."

"It's not stupid," Sebastian replies, and his voice carries an undeniable tenderness. "It's overwhelming, maybe, but it's not stupid."

He softens his tone ever so slightly, not to coddle his friend, but to encourage him. "You just care. A lot. And even though it hurts, that just means you have a lot of love to give. And that's never, never stupid."

"Why do you care?" Ominis asks quietly.

Sebastian leans back, looking him in the eyes.

"Because you're worth it."

🖤 READ MORE ON AO3 💛

[fiveisthedaddyhere]

I haven't watched s4 yet, but I'll put my thoughts here anyways (obviously it's about Five x Lila because this was the spoiler that most annoyed me till now)

First things first, it just sounds like a lazy way to put drama in the show that ended up undeveloped because of the small amount of episodes. Like, if it were any other characters I would understand (prob not). They got stuck in that train for 7 years or whatever and they got attached to each other or whatever. Maybe if I squint it can make sense, but that's not the point. THE POINT IS: IT'S BAD! IT'S THE WORSE! It completely ruins everything Lila and Five had constructed in the other seasons, it also ruins Five and Diego's relationship that was already so left aside and when they do decide to make something out of it is to DO THIS TRAGEDY

If the writers really wanted to go down this path they could make Five and Lila, the two people stuck together with no one else for years, get confused feelings for each other. I don't know but in my mind it makes so much sense. They could have the... kiss scene, and right after the kiss they could come to a conclusion, "Oh, maybe... I'm not in love with them, I just got so attached to them after so many years codepending and relying on each other, I thought I loved them romantically but no. I was just confused because WE WERE ALONE FOR YEARS AND DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE AROUND."

It would be awkward and weird but at least it would be deeper and more meaningful than whatever that was that happened in the show

Second thing, maybe it's just how my aroace mind works but this sudden relationship seems so much like the old "a man and a woman can't be best friends because they'll end up falling for each other instead". Ugh. It's just so annoying, I loved where Lila and Five's dynamic was heading exactly because I thought it was going against this trope but I got slapped with it on my face again instead. They were just waiting for Aidan to become an adult to make it happen, apparently

[thatguywhodoesstuff]

Kinger, Queenie, & My Thoughts

I may be a bit late to the party, but after mulling it over for a while, I’ve got some thoughts on Kinger (who is my favorite of the cast) that I want to share:

-Now, the consensus is that Kinger and Queenie were romantically involved and served as one another’s support systems before Queenie Abstracted, which had a major role in Kinger’s decent into madness. I like to think that even after getting stuck in the circus, the two for the most part stayed rational (at least on a surface level) for a while before the stress of everything started wearing down on them. The two more than likely desired to stay strong for the other and tried to for a time, before tragedy inevitably struck. With this in consideration, I found myself with two distinct thoughts: was Queenie the first in a long line of losses that Kinger experienced that slowly drove him closer and closer to the edge or was her Abstracting the straw that broke the camel’s back, sending Kinger into a breakdown that had been culminating since he entered the circus? Either way you look at it, Kinger had to suffer tremendously before and especially after he lost his lover, the only thing keeping him from crossing the threshold into complete insanity and Abstraction more than likely being a promise he had made to her a long time ago. One that just keeps getting more difficult to keep as he soldiers on in a timeless digital world he has no meaningful control over. This would also play into their chess motif rather well, given that, while the queen is no longer in play, the king still is, and the trapped humans may have some hope of a better existence, even if there isn’t a chance of them truly being free.

-Another thought (or maybe it’s a head canon?) I had was that mentioning Queenie’s name can temporarily snap Kinger out of his detached mental state, making him more lucid and less high strung, but at the same time far more somber and depressed, before he inevitably returns to “normal”, either from his madness inevitably reasserting itself or Kinger actively trying to occupy his mind and bury painful memories of comparatively happier times that have long since passed. Building off of this, I think it would be interesting and rather sad if speaking ill of Queenie would have similar mind clearing effects, but at the same time also sending Kinger into a fit of manic rage. She may not have been perfect, let alone a great person, but Kinger would rather be damned than let anyone badmouth the woman he loved. I mean, just imagine the normally detached and skittish Kinger blowing up at the other humans, and possibly even intimidating them.

-Given that Kinger has been in the circus the longest, it isn’t unreasonable to assume that he may have a better understanding of its machinations, even if it is only comparatively so. This is backed up, if only slightly so, considering how eloquently he explains the sensation of eating in the VR world of the circus, it could be a subtle clue that, despite his poor mental state, Kinger understands how things work on a deeper level then the others. This could lead to some interesting plot points and progression, as the others could occasionally look to him for insight, which would typically be rather hit or miss. Overall, it would be really neat to have a character who is both completely checked out mentally, but at the same time the most aware of what all is going on, even if it isn’t readily apparent or even conscious on their part.

-I know that Kinger and Queenie always had uneven/askew eyes as part of their avatars, but I’ve always liked the idea of them having even eyes, with Kinger’s eyes becoming progressively more unaligned as his mind deteriorated. This isn’t me trying to badmouth Gooseworx’s style (which I think is phenomenal and better then anything I could ever manage artistically) or Kinger’s design, it’s just a long-standing thought/idea I’ve had in the back of my mind since he was revealed.

-Does anyone else get serious Ice King/Simon Petrikov and Betty vibes regarding Kinger and Queenie, or is it just me?

TLDR, these old chess pieces basically have a whole chunk of my brain dedicated to them. Comments, Likes, and Reblogs are all appreciated and I really want to know what others think.

[pinescent-and-gingerbread]

This is just a question, not counting oc's, who do you think would be the best girlfriend for Arthur? Do you think it could be Mary Linton, Mary-Beth, Sadie or Charlotte Balfour? You can also mention Charles ^^

In my opinion, I love the story Arthur had with Mary, but with Charlotte he was so sweet; I don't see him with Sadie (especially since she still has Jake very much in mind) and I think Mary-Beth looks better with Kieran (although I feel that she did have a crush on Arthur but he respected her because of the age difference, I mean he was 36 and she was 21.)

But what do you think about all this? Who do you think could have been the perfect pair for Arthur in canon? <3

Hi Crystal! Sorry I didn't answer your question sooner! Here is my very long rambling about this.

My reasoning is as follows; Arthur needs someone who can see the best in him as he usually can't see it in himself. Someone who could bring him up and find virtues in him he can't see. I think he would also need some physical affection and someone able to calm him down when his bitterness or angriness wins the better of him. Most of all, I think he expects loyalty from his s/o, and if not unconditional love, a serious relationship at least, maybe a deeper connection at best.

With all this in mind, my first choice would be Charles. I know Arthur isn't canonically bi but you said I could mention him so here we are. There is a reason why this ship is so popular in the fandom: Arthur and Charles definitely have a deep chemistry. The thing that struck me the most about them was the immaculate respect they have for each other, and their trust is beyond any level! Never once does Arthur suspects Charles to be the rat, never once does his opinion of him flattens; Arthur cares about him, is interested in his story, in his wellbeing... Charles definitely is one of the few who sees the good man Arthur can be, who sees beyond his tough facade and "dumb brute enforcer" role. Charles is also a quiet and very calm man; I think his natural demeanor could really match Arthur's more anxious way of thinking and heated actions.

Mary-Beth is a very sweet girl, I like her character but she doesn't strike me as the perfect match for our outlaw. We know she doesn't believe Arthur is a cold-hearted killer and he takes the time to talk with him at camp, so it's a plus, but it ends there imo.

Same goes for Sadie; her loyalty and the trust they share is very meaningful for Arthur. What bothers me is that we don't see Sadie before her loss. During the game, she's a changed woman; even in the epilogue. Losing her husband clearly has impacted her and I think she wasn't that cruel/impulsive before. To me she's really good in the role of Arthur's best friend/sister. She's a bit too much like him, more as a reflection of himself (both share losses from loved ones, both are very action-based and brave, both can be impulsive and brutal).

Charlotte is an interesting one to think about. I love her missions and how Arthur is helping her without judging her life choices (you want to live on your own in the middle of nowhere knowing you would probably die from starvation to honor your dead husband? Okay, I'll show ya how to hunt). I think she could fit pretty well considering her loyalty, her determination, courage, and sweet personality; but we don't have a lot of material to work with, sadly.

Finally, I know Mary has a lot of haters around the fandom but I'm definitely not one of them. She, like Charles, is one of the only ones who saw the good in Arthur, and probably one of the first ones in his life, ever. From what we can see in the missions and understand from their relationship, I see her as a caring and devoted lover even though she had to end their relationship. Arthur is a criminal but she didn't see him as just that. Until the very end, she wanted to believe in his better self, and to me it's one of the most important things: Mary was there to bring out the good in Arthur and lead him to a better path. We sadly know he chose not to follow it, but Mary was still there after all this time, trying to make a better version of him, and save him from this circle of violence he's stuck in. Mary will remain imo, even though their story is tragic, one of the best choices for Arthur.

NB. These are my personal opinions! I'm not claiming that it's absolutely true, feel free to disagree and argue with me!

[brewed-pangolin]

Mindful Arrangement

Here's a thought.

Soap is a flowers kinda guy...

Okay. Let me explain...

18+ MDNI Implied Sexual Themes

Soap is a smart man. He understands the significance and subtle undertones of certain bouquets. And not just the usual roses equals loves cliché. He knows those nuances can go deeper. More meaningful. More intimate.

And he'll send them at the most random and impromptu times. Never planned. He likes knowing he'll catch you off guard in your most candid of moments.

Even while on missions halfway around the globe. If he's got fifteen minutes, he's swiping through Flowers.com to see what arrangement catches his eye. Prices be damned, SAS has an unending budget.

And when he's home on leave, never let this man go anywhere alone. Doesn't matter if it's to the grocery store, Home Depot, Lowes, Costco, Walmart, the fucking post office. He'll come back with a truck load of full blooming perennials (because annuals will only last a year, and his love for you is eternal). And yes, he bought matching pots and planters because he's just that passionate about it.

But I digress...

So here's the goods. What they mean to him and what he's trying to tell you.

Roses

It may be cliché, but it's a universal sign that he loves you. But more than that, he sends these most often when he's on missions for one very specific reason. He's pining for you.

Perhaps he was on a recon mission, walked by a pastry shop and caught the sweet scent of vanilla and chocolate. And we all know how powerful the sense of smell is on repressed memories. He was then immediately thrusted into your kitchen where you were blissfully making your next confectionary experiment. Splotches of flour dusted on your cheek, quietly humming your favorite tune as you spin around to grab the vanilla extract from the cupboard.

Lilies

The lily symbolizes a lot, depending on their color, arrangement and combinations. But for Soap, it's all about his heart. And he will most often send these to you at work when he's on leave, because it's his way of saying he's thinking of you.

Some men send texts. Others send cards or write little post-it notes. Soap sends a bouquet of stargazer lilies. It's a simple arrangement, half a dozen with no accompaniments. But he knows the implications will be very impactful. Because he's going to be on your mind all day.

Edible Arrangement

I know what you're thinking. Chocolate covered strawberries. He's hungry. And your sweet pussy is the only thing he wants to feast on tonight. And as appetizing as that may be, it's not what his intentions are.

He will only send these when he's home, for this is your first indication that he's taking you out to dinner. And not some typical chain or easy dive in. No, he's going all out.

Expect a dress already picked out for you when you get home. And no, he's not telling you where you're going. That's half the surprise. And those chocolate strawberries are dessert, to be fully enjoyed from the platter of your exposed stomach.

Orchid

This is Soap's pièce de résistance. The crème de la crème. He makes a point to send these primarily when he's on his way home, for the orchids' significance is very particular. It's sex. (Seriously. Look at it. If you can't see it, you're blind)

He won't send this to your workplace, knowing how flustered and albeit ridiculously horny you'll get with just your first glance. He'll only send this to your home, and within two days of his arrival, because he wants you to fester in unrelenting neediness. He won't text. He won't call. He becomes the world's most thoughtful fucking tease while you have to somehow keep your mind off the fact your hormones are in overdrive and your pussy will be nothing short of Niagara Falls when he finally bursts through your door.

And he's thirsty, he's well equipped to manage that relentless flow. And ready to thrust himself into your cove the second his duffle bag hits the floor.

I know it's not Super Soap Sunday, but I'm tagging the Soap Squad nonetheless. It's been almost seven months since I wrote anything, and it feels so good to finally be back.

@deadbranch @punishmepunisher @sofasoap @d3athtr4psworld @macravishedbymactavish @jynxmirage

If you'd like to be added to the list, please let me know.

Much love 💛

[pumpkinstrawbrew]

What initially made you fancy Scarebat as a pairing?

oh my, that’s such an enchanting question, as it is brain wrecking. i honestly struggle to put my thoughts into proper words. it feel like it’s too little an’ too much at the same time.

but ah, you can say, that my very first brush with them as a ship happened years an’ years back, when a kid me was sitting in front of a TV, waiting for BTAS eps to air. essentially, they are the ship that i carried with me for the majority of my life, without ever realizing it. when i was a kid, terms like shipping an’ any meaningful ways of interacting with my fav fiction, wasn't smth that i could comprehend or really be into in any grand sense. back then, i was noticeably obsessed with their shared eps, a tad more than with some others. an’ i also was obsessed with this scene. looking back at it, this reaction made a lot of sense. it’s almost like falling in love with the thing at first sight, while having zero understanding as to why. 

there are many things, that make scarebat a very 1:1 ship for me. but i think what got my attention at first was the general feeling of their overall dynamic. i adore horror / mindfuckery-coded stuff, always had, an’ i adore how horror in general can be intertwined with allegories to deeper things, esp when it comes to love / obsession / connection, that you can only form / obtain while enduring smth *mutually* terrifying. i love intensity in fiction, some sort of conflict that cannot be just talked over.

bruce's an' jon's personalities play into this bit so well. almost too well, like this was crafted for oddballs like me, who crave confined, one-to-one dynamics the most. an' what i mean by this, is that they’re both fairly isolated, emotionally closed off people. one of them cannot keep most of his connections for long *bruce*, the other one is borderline incapable of doing it *jon*. but regardless of the differences behind the reasoning of them being left stranded, they are stuck in the same situation.

bruce’s public persona can only fool someone for so long, bc as soon as they want to know him a bit closer, things get complicated. one of problems, that most bruces face is that his approach to relationships an’ intimacy, makes it seem like no person could ever be good enough for him to open up. or it feels like this would take too much time, that no one seems to be willing to waste. an’ i’m not saying that there should be clear-cut acceptance of everything or instant clicking understanding, no. what i’m saying is that knowing bruce, truly knowing him means putting an ungodly an’ enormous effort into it, an’ it’s fair that most people won’t feel like doing it. bruce's mental an' emotional barriers are high. so unless someone is ready to climb them for years, an' forgive his inability to react to thing in the way they want / he needs to, there is just no way to ever get on the other side. an' in meantime, the reward for their hard work might not be enough to sustain them. eventually, it might look like that barrier is just going on forever.

in comparison, jon's situation is different, even if it results in the same thing. but where bruce is liked just enough for people to attempt an’ get close to him, no one ever bothered to know jonathan. no one was really understanding him, or trying to. he’s neither easy nor appealing to approach. he’s not charming. he’s not kind. he might have been a fairly harmless, humble lad in his youth, but he’s not humble about his current situation as adult at all. if anything, he’s unpleasant an’ often confrontative about it. ill-fittingly arrogant even. most of the time, viewed by others either as a sore loser or irredeemable monster. jon is used to people simply assuming things about him, without even talking to him first. so depending on his mood / state of mind, he reacts to it accordingly. he's also paranoid an' his main knee-jerk reactions are often violent or a bit too extra. this would seem like a waste of time to even try to know such a person, wouldn't it? esp if he bares his teeth more often, than he tries to be polite in return.

him an' bruce are actually very similar when it comes to their distrust of others. crane might get into monologues about how the others wronged him, bc he kinda knows that most people who he tells this to would either not care at all or die at his hands. there isn't any actualy exposure happening. just him venting. bruce has alfred, so he does tell him certain things, usually when he has no idea what to do or wants a second opinion on smth. but neither of those situations is the same as actually showing off your belly so to speak.

both batman an' scarecrow don't have a very healthy outlook on trust, vulnerability and' intimacy. i mean, jon has no idea what the last one is even, an' he had only bad expirience with the first two. so his view on it is ever worse. more warped. which makes a perfect reasoning why he often literally crowbars his way into batman's brain, kicking at his mental walls, an' getting past them that way, regardless if bruce wants it or not. an’ while jonathan does it with all of his victims, it doesn’t mean that it’s personal for him. oftentimes, he’s more focused on pleasure he gets from it vs what the person actually sees in terms of learning about them. their fear might be interesting to him, they themselves are not so much. that’s until batman. until time pass, an' they exposed to each other in certain ways for like 20 times. the sheer fact that they can only be fully vulnerable, when they hallucinating an' exposed to ft, with no one around to haunt them, but each other is pretty telling.

i love how their differences coexist very neatly with their similarities an' how their respective issues *a disorder in jon's case* only add to it. esp since it's not like just anybody would work for jon. he doesn't want just anybody. an' bruce had a lot of experiences with various people, be it sexual or romantic, but he needs an anti-social wacko to be his keeper, bc no one else would wish for his everything, due to who he is, rather than what they think he are. an' jon needs someone with that insane amount of belief in him, that won't write him off as a mere creep like everyone else did.

certain things can heavily depend on specific aus, or versions of them, but overall, the way they are confined in that psychological, emotional bubble is very bewitching for me. it’s like holding one of those glass balls an’ see what happens within it once you give it a shake. 

in general, scarebat is a rare kind of ship where everything works so nicely. their personalities, motivations, parallels that they have, along with differences that they use to fuel one another. man, even their designs an’ appearances *inside the costume or outside of it* collaborate amazingly into overarching story that can be told.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: (Follow up to post 698753602168242176) Hello there! 23m INFJ here. I'd first like to say that I'm extremely grateful for your patience with my previous asks. The insight you provided into my stack–particularly around the theme of having a lack of integrity–has given me much to think about over these (almost two!) years. I want to ask for your insight on a roadblock I've encountered multiple times in the therapy I've been receiving over the past year.

In almost every single session, I come fully prepared: I rehearse a list of 'problem topics' to discuss with my therapist in-session, and try to mine as much insight as I can from them before I discuss. My therapist prefers an unstructured kind of approach, allowing me to form what the sessions look like, and I have preferred having a 'route' of scenarios that link together with common themes, just to ensure that I am effectively using my therapy time.

One issue I've ran into is that we often finish discussion of these topics with plenty of time to spare, leaving me a little lost for words. I believe I am a person who is good at improvising conversation, but in these moments in therapy I run into a complete standstill: my mind draws blank, I have zero perception of what has bothered me, and I am unable to produce anything 'meaningful' for our sessions.

A couple of times, I have asked my therapist: "Do you have any questions for me?" With which he always asks me the same questions: "Why are you here today? What do you need help with? What bothers you right now, in your day-to-day life?" These questions always, always catch me off-guard and I'm unable to answer. I have an extremely poor perception of myself, and usually feel nothing on a day-to-day basis. I try to explain this as best as I can to my therapist, to which he says he understands, but cannot help me if I am not providing a source of conflict/pain/discomfort to work with. This often leaves me extremely upset and frustrated, like I'm a lost cause or incapable of receiving help.

In recent sessions I've tried to be more freeform and less structured, and it does feel like it's helping. However, I do still have this fear that I'm approaching things completely wrong, like it's impossible for anyone to help me if I'm not even sure what I need help for. This lack of self-awareness is nauseating and I don't know how to fix it.

------------------------

Therapy isn't a performance or competition. It's not a place to get judged or judge yourself. It's not a test or exam that you have to prepare the right answers to pass. It's also not an exact science of rules to follow to the letter. Ideally, therapy is a safe space for you to explore freely and gradually raise self-awareness as you discover more about yourself.

Some aspects of the therapeutic process upset you and you stewed about them alone, perhaps because you are in the habit of keeping a tight leash on yourself and can't proceed unless you feel more in control of things. Many Js have a tendency to manage anxiety by imposing structure or control. In the real world, this tendency easily becomes a deeply ingrained habit because you regularly get rewarded for "having it together" or "being on top of things". However, in the therapy world, one of the main goals is to let feelings/emotions rise up and come out freely so that you can explore what they really mean. Therefore, the habit of being too controlled/controlling can work against you in therapy if it basically creates a dam that prevents the deeper parts of your psyche from flowing out.

This might be why approaching sessions in a less structured way is helpful, as you release yourself from the compulsion to control. It allows you to discover important things that you didn't realize needed to be explored. Instead of going off alone to stew about whatever upset you, why not express your feelings as they happen in real-time? Why ask me about it rather than the therapist? Whatever it is you need to happen or want to do, either allow it or communicate about it honestly. E.g. If you don't know what else to say and it starts to make you anxious, communicate your anxiety to the therapist. If the therapist asks questions that catch you off-guard or make you feel bad, then explore the negative feelings right then and there.

In my last response, I said: "If you are indeed INFJ, to get back on the right type development path requires you to confront and resolve the deeper emotional problems that have been festering." This means emotional intelligence is a key factor in your personal growth. It's important that you learn to welcome and embrace feelings/emotions as they come and process them as they exist in the present, rather than ruminating on them after the fact. This also ties in with the issue of integrity; it's hard to maintain integrity when you're not in touch with yourself and listening carefully to your emotional needs.

The habit of keeping feelings/emotions at bay or tightly under control is usually indicative of an underlying fear of them. As long as you fear looking within (or keep trying to obscure what's really happening because you don't like what you see/feel), therapy is going to seem slowgoing. Perhaps you think therapy should be revealing certain truths to you, but, actually, you should be the one revealing the truths. The therapist is only there to reflect your truths back to you with greater clarity. While the therapist has a genuine desire to help, it is an important part of their training to never work harder than the client. They only work with what you give them, so, if it seems as though there's not much happening, it's because you haven't revealed enough of yourself.

This brings us to the most important point of what's really stopping you from revealing yourself. You seem to have an issue with being self-critical. Self-critical people can't stand to look at themselves and they assume others will judge them similarly, which leads to feeling anxious or unsafe in social situations. Many people cope by getting into the habit of hiding all the aspects of themselves that are deemed "ugly" or "undesirable", which often includes all the negative feelings and emotions they don't want to experience. In the end, all that is visible is the mask they've chosen.

Until you can approach yourself with more kindness and compassion, the safety of hiding or obscuring the truth of yourself will always be too tempting. Perhaps self-compassion and self-expression are issues you can work on in therapy. Allow yourself to be human and "imperfect" and drop the facade of control, and then you might find that you have a lot more material to work with.

[endcant]

bear with me bc i am drinking THC lemonade

whenever my “people shocked by me being interested in consumer aesthetics counter” ticks up by 1, i know that i have failed to express myself on the internet. i am obsessed with commercial ephemera. it’s not that i like it… it’s something deeper. something… worse? better? something more embarrassing, at least.

the only time i’ve ever done psychedelics my profound realization was that i really, really enjoyed going to target. i like the lights. i am always commenting on the products and whether i think they are on trend or off trend for what i understand the target demographic to be. i love nothing more than to watch someone pick up an object, briefly imagine their life with that object in it, and then either put it in their basket or put it back on the shelf. even moreso when i’m watching a friend shop. even moreso when we can only window shop and that friend starts explaining to me what they would do with the thing if they had the money to buy it.

i studied american pop music history in college and i continue to study the history of bubblegum pop in my free time. i want to eventually write up a video or a series or something about the extended international history of teenybopper bubblegum pop. i am trying to learn music industry jargon old and new in my target languages in an attempt to gain access to information about these things that i can’t access in english alone.

i read early 2010s posts about how minimalism was the only morally righteous visual style with rapt fascination. i had a vaporwave phase exactly one decade ago. my friends in high school would bring me arizona green teas because they knew i would find it aesthetic. my advanced painting teacher hated it because i kept painting pale minimalist watercolor pieces that looked like 90s waiting room wall decor. my dream at the time was moving to santa fe and becoming a fine artist.

i was a proto-cottagecore blogger before cottagecore was named. i have well over 100 blogs, considering i hit 96 at some point during my previously mentioned decade-ago vaporwave phase. i do not bother to count anymore

as a young child, i used to go to the store almost daily with my parents and look for unfamiliar packs of gum so i could assess their packaging, flavor, and concept. i *really* cared about this. i got into this because i was given free packs of 5 gum and orange mountain dew at the halo 3 midnight release.

i learned HTML from neopets and i used to code gaiaonline themes and put them up on tektek. they sucked really bad btw.

i spent around 2 decades looking for the source of a single image of an anime river angel i saw on quizilla because she meant so much to me as a child about the power of what mere images could be only to find last year that the artist now draws hentai on pixiv and their art quality is now quite rushed. i think about this regularly when i think about creators i have idolized, and i don’t know what it means to me, but it feels like valuable information.

last night i couldnt sleep because i kept wanting to get on my phone to look at ancient greek vases on jstor

the worst part is i feel that the way that seeing ONLY consuming-or-not-consuming as the primary way to interact with the world is a serious mental roadblock for people in capitalist society. i think that consumer identity is a tool often used to warp the minds of citizens. i think that if i could go back in time and strangle edward bernays i would. i think that it is meaningful that american society has generated dozens of terms for “someone who is stealing or misusing a cultural signifier, or otherwise engaging with a culture or subculture under false pretenses/without doing due diligence/without participating in proper cultural exchange” over just the past couple centuries and that seeing and acknowledging the cycle is essential for anyone working in the arts

ive spent the past couple years reading up on historical art movements since industrialization to see how other art workers have dealt with their jobs being mechanized away, and ive decided to choose to value myself as a human animal who gets to experience the process of making things with my human animal body.

i am compelled to play piano when i drink red wine and i feel that i’m a fundamentally superficial being in function, but i can be more in purpose. like a poster. like a mask. like someone screaming so hard on stage that you believe them. that you look behind you to see what they are screaming at. i think in symbols and colors front and center, with verbal background chatter like an ever-tuning radio, and i am frustrated when people don’t understand that i am speaking my mind when i show them what i’ve made.

i care about aesthetics a lot. consumer and otherwise. it just so happens that i live in a capitalist society wherein the market attributes value to certain aesthetic information, which generates conversation about what certain images mean, what gives them value, what detracts from their value, what they are responding to, what responses they require in turn. but anywhere, anytime that there is a conversation about aesthetics, i want to be there.

i have always loved to perceive and to make, since the earliest stories anyone has to tell about baby cave. if i lost everything that makes me who and what i am right now, i believe i would still care about aesthetics. if there is anything left for even a cell of my body to experience, it would want to experience it beautifully and enjoy it deliciously.

happy 420

[robotlesbianjavert]

Bro what happened to AFO he used to be scary and deserving respect. Now he’s a clown and probably Shigaraki’s grandpa. All Might’s arc too, the iron suit felt last minute af.

EVERYONE REMEMBER KAMINO. THE KAMINO ARC. WHERE ALL FOR ONE'S VERY PRESENCE GAVE THE STUDENTS PANIC ATTACKS. @stillness-in-green is right to rag on his big move being to bulk up his ridiculous arm for ridiculous punches it was a sign of things to come.

like the thing is. villain decay is a real phenomenon. it's one thing to present a villain as intimidating and threatening. it's another thing to actually follow through on that intimidation and threat factor. we can get told that All For One is an evil genius, but horikoshi himself is not an evil genius and will have understandable trouble tapping into that. not to mention life for a mangaka is hard, and maintaining the energy needed for tight, intense, in-depth characterization can be difficult for every aspect of a narrative, your big bad least of all.

addtionally, a lot of All For One's early allure also existed in a light touch and sparse appearances. he can retain an air of mystery, we have more room to speculate about his motivations and relationships, he made for an intriguing foil to how all might seemingly deconstructed certain tenets of superhero stories. once AFO is on the front line in the last act, we lose all of that.

but above all of that. and i actually mentioned this with my friends earlier today. is that i fully believe that All For One was always a character in flux, and that horikoshi never had a solid idea of what he was going to do with him.

obviously we know that horikoshi's ideas for the plot and the endgame have shifted a lot over the years. most notably, the way the story keeps being so much longer than he intended. or how the heroes rising movie riffed elements of one idea for an ending. and i guess recently it was revealed that he originally intended for endeavour to die in the PFL/Jakku battle, but changed his mind while working on the high-end battle. this is pretty expected with manga - you can have a general plan going in, but unless you're crazy disciplined a lot of things are going to be by the seat of your pants. (conversely, there are story elements that horikoshi stubbornly clung to, like shouji having a big plot despite doing the bare minimum of set up to earn that big plot. but that's besides the point.)

All For One comes across to me like horikoshi's biggest question mark for his part in the storyline. i know a lot of people carry on like him possessing shigaraki was a no-brainer and the only way the plot was going to go, but i got the impression that horikoshi set it up so that he COULD do the possession plot if he found it necessary, but that he could also choose another, non-possession path if necessary (we must always hold his comments about best jeanist's quirk close). remember, a big theory was that instead of springing All For One out of prison, shigaraki would kill him and take his place as the true big bad. honestly, AFO chilling in jail for the second act left as an option for a lot of things that horikoshi COULD do, but also an obligation to do SOMETHING.

i got the same sense throughout the third act where horikoshi could (and did) just fall back on him being a Born Evil, Cause Of All Disaster plot device, but i felt like there were some vague hints and general leeway where he could have a deeper and more complex character, and a more meaningful relationship with his brother, if horikoshi wanted to pull thay trigger. he didn't! but he could have.

another piece in my "flux character" argument is the recent reveal that AFO and yoichi are actually twins. at no point prior to the story was this ever indicated - they were always just described as "big brother" and "little brother", with the obvious read of them having some years bt them. them being twins doesn't really come across as a big Twist, but a recontextualization that makes it "easier" (in the broadest sense possible) to sell AFO as Born Evil. because otherwise, horikoshi would have to decide on what AFO and his relationship with his parent(s) looked like before yoichi was born, and giving AFO any additional backstory beyond his possessiveness of yoichi and his greed over everything throws a wrench into that Born Evil character. i honestly think the twin thing is a retcon, rather than horikoshi's original intention, because it was just easier to write at the point of the story with whatever stress horikoshi is under.

and it's a shame! All For One might have lost a lot of threat in this last act, but he was funny, and there was potential to do more with him. it is what it is.

all might tho that was just dumb as hell. you expect me to believe he remembers enough of his students to recreate their quirks mechanically. i wish he died.

[brybryby]

VERY LONG POST IM SORRY. DONT FEEL OBLIGED TO READ

HI. Alrighty, this has been on my mind for a while (ever since promotional content for Trials started being released).

I have a TON of analyses in the drafts, but I want to make this post before I release them for public viewing.

I know that I like to make goofy, light-hearted little fan animations and fan art of Outlast, but I think I need to start changing how I navigate through the content. After spending so much of my time deep diving and writing up these analyses, my eyes have been opened to just how much the franchise revolves around fucked up historical events. I feel that some of the stuff I've posted is tone deaf, or at least the way I posted about it is. And I think—for the most part—there's an understanding that I don't intend to be harmful, but I fear that the way I go about it **is**. (And obviously, action takes precedence over intent.)

For contextualization, when I initially got into Outlast at the age of 12, I was enthralled by the horror aesthetics and found a lot of the angsty gore to be cathartic. I felt so “taboo” and “scandalous” lol (especially as a developing child trying to understand myself amidst my puberty stage). I was young and—for lack of a better word—braindead in how I navigated the media. I was naive, mindless, ignorant, etc etc… Now that I have a deeper understanding of the narratives and historical implications/influences, I need to do better in how I interact with the franchise.

What am I getting at?

Pretty much, I'm working on being more careful with how I interact with the media. At the same time, I want the analyses that I post to be educational. And most importantly, please message me if I ever say some bullshit. Seriously. All I ever want to do with my life is to be a positive impact. I genuinely get upset if I cause harm to someone else. (One time I literally cried at a high school football game as a freshman because I thought I hurt someone else's feelings. It turned out they were faking it lmao. Then they started feeling bad and then that made me feel bad for crying and yea yea).

Seriously though. I know that my posts can get public outreach, and anything that has public outreach can be influential and have a good or bad impact. So please let me know if I do or say anything harmful or ignorant. I won't be offended. I don’t want to spread harmful stuff. There are many instances in my life where people sit me down to have meaningful conversations about shit I've said or done and how I can improve myself.

That said, I'll be posting more analyses and making my own syntheses of historical events. My next analysis post will be about Waylon's Asian-coding (specifically Korean-coding), how Trials actually supports this (using themes of US immigration), and why it is apparent to many Asian fans (including me, hehe).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's pretty much it. But if you wanna stick around a bit further, I'll tell you my (excruciatingly long) story about how I got into Outlast :) along with how much it has invaded my brain and life :') and maybe get a little ~personal~ hehe

STORYTIME:

So, the game came out in 2013. Nearly 10 years ago. I was 12 at the time of its release. Let me tell you…this game was a HUGE impact in the horror community. HOLY. SHIT. It changed the way I looked at lockers and beds. I remember it being critically acclaimed (and rightfully so). It may have not been the most technical video game, but it certainly was a piece of art.

I remember commercials being shown everywhere. The trailer of beta Miles Upshur running and parkouring through Mount Massive while being chased by the tiny beta model of Chris Walker will forever be canonized as part my childhood. I remember specifically heading to the bathroom from my living room and my dad interrupting me to say “Hey! Check this out!” and then proceeding to play the trailer for my 12-year-old eyes. I was scared shitless.

Couple weeks later, Conan O'Brien featured Outlast in one of his segments of “Clueless Gamer” (yeah, my family and I used to watch Conan lol). I was very familiar with Slender and Amnesia, which were the 2 other games featured in this Halloween special, but this was the first time I REALLY got to check out Outlast.

Now, let me preface that during this time, internet culture was very interesting and even less safe than it is today. I had a ton of bad experiences on the internet during my childhood. But oddly (and embarrassingly), the emo/scene/horror/creepypasta culture was what brought me comfort amongst a sea of awful things you could find on the internet. It was probably unhealthy for my developing brain, but I indulged in a lot of angst that was presented with heavy gore and violence. And to be honest, looking at this kind of stuff at a young age helped me process a lot of my own personal shit that I experienced outside of the internet realm. (To be clear, I don't endorse this type of violence, and I don't endorse exploring the internet in the same way I did as a child—it was probably very unhealthy and I think it caused some early development issues.)

But nothing—and I mean NOTHING—scratched that itch more than the way Outlast did. I watched the finger cutting scene in Conan's “Clueless Gamer” and was fucking mortified. I was scared of the dark for weeks. But I remember spending that night in my bedroom looking at more Outlast content to get that cathartic fix to fill my emotional hole of…I don't know…morbid curiosity? I definitely felt shame at the time. I don't know. In recent years, I've been on this journey to process stuff I experienced during my childhood and I struggle to go about my middle-school/junior-high stage because…I don't know…puberty? Access to the internet? I once got bullied by a forum of adult men for posting fan art LMAO. I was 12 years old—I forgot what the fan art even was. ANYWAYS, yea. That was only one instance of my conglomeration of internet experiences. (Like many other peeps, I had to hide my gender & racial identity to preserve my sanity). Indulging in gore art was therapeutic and helped me release negative emotions in a non-harmful way. Horror-genre communities online have been mostly friendly and welcoming towards me. That's probably why I fell in love with Outlast as an art rather than a video game.

I wasn't in the fandom straight off the bat. I had other hyper fixations at times but I navigated through these other fixations with this personal “Outlast standard” where the art and fiction I consumed needed to be horror-themed, gorey, or angsty. And Outlast isn't solely to blame. I was into gore and angst before the game came out. It just so happened that it came out at such a perfect time in my life. (Horror made my queer self feel accepted)

This whole “Outlast standard” stuck with me throughout high school. Uh… this next bit of information may get a little personal. During my sophomore year, someone really important in my life passed away. Then I had this life-impacting thing happen during my junior year that changed how I perceived things forever (lol, this sounds so dramatic). I turned to art to help me process and yada yada… but y'know what really helped? You know what I turned to when I needed to “scratch the itch”? (I bet you'll never guess)

I finally considered myself a part of the Outlast fandom in 2018-2019. I was a high school junior/senior and I posted the Outlast-Outkast animation that got retweeted by Red Barrels. Had a lot of fun in the fandom during that time and it helped get my mind off of things. Also, I loved the fact that Waylon graduated from Berkeley. I was applying to colleges during this time and it made me romanticize Berkeley, lol. I ended up getting accepted. Had an awesome time. I recently graduated and got my Bachelor's. I'm very privileged and gracious for my experience. I spent a lot of grueling time and energy dedicated towards my education.

During my college years, a lot of the unprocessed shit from my childhood started resurfacing and it was becoming hard to navigate through life. I became really disconnected with people who were close to me. Art started to fall out of my life. Stuff happened. Got in touch with psychiatrists thanks to my college's free health services. I don't mean to downplay or normalize what happened, but I'll bring up that many college students deal with mental illness and depression (and this could be attributed to many things: moving away from family, student-life, financial pressure, pressure to secure jobs/internships, living alone for the first time, maturing into an adult, etc. etc.).

But I remember sitting alone in my studio apartment one weekend and started surfing Tumblr. I came across new Outlast fan art and it sparked my hyper fixation all over again. I re-read the comics and—OKAY THIS IS GONNA SOUND FUCKING RIDICULOUS—but I started jogging because Miles went on jogs LMAOOAKJDGHJAHKGFL. I finally picked up the pencil and started drawing again (after like…months) and drew Miles and Waylon flipping off Murkoff. And THAT was when I realized what the narratives of Outlast were actually about—FUCKIN' CAPITALISM AAUGGGHHH. MY LITTLE POOPOO BRAIN AT AGE 12 NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT. AND NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT—NOW THAT I CAN BLATANTLY SEE MYSELF AND MY PEERS AS VICTIMS/PRODUCTS OF CAPITALISM—CAN FINALLY FIND SO MUCH VALUE AND MEANING IN THIS GAME HHHRHRJGHKSDKFGLAJKDG SAY W H A T IM GONNA *explodes*

Then a year later, I started drawing more and more again. Trials' promotional marketing was becoming more prominent. I started posting my fan art on Tumblr. Then I made the fanimation (thank you Mr. Baichoo, you're so awesome, I will forever be a fan of yours) and now here I am. Still fixated on this silly little game for nearly 10 years. WHEW.

I FEEL LIKE A SHRIMP CHIP. Anyways, thanks. I much needed to get this off my chest.

Also, hey! Just wanted to say thanks for the friendly and welcoming interactions in this space. It feels so much safer and more comforting than previous internet experiences I've had. Since 2013, the fandom has evolved a lot. In my opinion, it has evolved for the better. The resurgence of new fans bring such refreshing perspectives and fields of knowledge that haven't been influenced by some of the harmful internet culture that I grew up in. So truly, many thanks to y'all for making the fandom space a nicer place (especially for such a heavy game). Also, what the heck, everyone in the fandom is seriously so talented and artistic

Uh… fan art time? (old stuff/sketches I haven’t posted)

But seriously if you got this far, thank you

[pochapal]

I decided to start with problem sleuth, thinking how long could it be? I was wrong. I will finish this beast, but I googled the length, and it's 20% the length of homestuck.

I nearly went on a large ramble here, but that seems rude, so will more vaguely gesture at the thoughts I wanted to convey with a question: Why do you think people start with the later work first, for both Umineko and Homestuck? Homestuck obviously blew up more, but Higurashi is more popular in both the east and west, and I've notices a surprising amount of people going with Umineko first.

In both Higurashi(which I have finished and am rereading) and Problem Sleuth(which I have only barely started), I've enjoyed seeing the early version of ideas I know/assume will be in the later works. It's nice to see how an author grows. This isn't really part of the question, I just thought it was worth sharing and you might have some thoughts.

yeahhhh i first read problem sleuth during one of the earlier homestuck pauses (maybe the mid-late 2011 hiatus) thinking i could get through it in a weekend. it in fact took me much longer than that.

i can't speak that confidently on the higurashi/umineko part of this question since i don't know enough about umineko and i don't know anything about higurashi, but i imagine it'll be a similar correlation just with different material factors. homestuck was the one people got into thanks mostly to the fact it was this mammoth everywhere presence that you couldn't escape for the entire first half of the 2010s (i got into homestuck back in 2010 both because a friend at school recommended it to me and also because suddenly the entire front page of deviantart became homestuck overnight) and from the vague stuff i've seen umineko kind of has a similar hyped up reputation? the odd "read umineko it changed my life and it'll change yours" post has appeared every now and then but i can't say i've ever seen a higurashi equivalent (i have also had both terms muted for over a year so who is to say how reliable this observation is).

i also think that homestuck drew people in due to the fact it was a more "alive" and sprawling project compared to problem sleuth which was written start to finish over the course of 2008 and was barely an eighth of the length of homestuck so the nature of an active piece of work inherently generates more of a fandom around it - the interaction people had with homestuck pretty much until 2018 or so was entirely coded in standard fandom spaces/activity which was bad for meaningful discussion on the story but very good for constantly attracting great numbers of readily-obsessed teens and young adults into the fold. homestuck as well was easier to connect/relate to for a fandom audience than problem sleuth as well - a story about young teens getting into situations with their online friends is far easier to connect to and understand on a relatability level than a pastiche of point and click mystery adventures. also the way that characters and systems were built in homestuck are rife to be projected upon since it's all delineated archetypes in a similar vein to zodiac signs where you can impose whatever interpretation you need to connect to your desired symbol and it'll be right. in other words, homestuck is a highly kinnable piece of fiction.

if i were to hazard a guess, i'd say something similar might be happening with higurashi and umineko? umineko is a mystery story where understanding and empathy are your tools for figuring stuff out which naturally leads to the state of "rotate blorbo in your mind at high speeds" which in turn leads to a deeper emotional connection. i'd imagine that all this stuff would be present in higurashi too, but since it's a horror story the reader is probably not implicitly and explicitly encouraged to think about the story's elements in the same way. something else i've vaguely seen that i'm not sure how reliable an observation it is is that there is a very dedicated very queer umineko fanbase and that kind of word of mouth recommendation goes a long way (for my personal reference all the people i knew who were into umineko before i got into it myself were all trans women).

so in the end i think it's a combination of a certain kind of dedicated fandom and a story that you have an easier way into emotionally connecting with it that draws people more into the latter than the former. there's also the novelty factor of homestuck being one of the longest pieces of fiction in the english language (i know umineko is long as hell too but i don't know how this stacks up compared to higurashi) so there's a kind of bucket list-esque prestige in tackling one of these behemoth texts you Need To Read Before You Die.

to respond to the second part of your ask, one really neat thing especially with problem sleuth is that by reading that with dedication and attention you're rewarded with a kind of decoder for some of homestuck's more obtuse and esoteric elements that a lot of initial readers unfamiliar with how things work struggle with, so when things get weird you're able to go "ah this is basically a reiteration of [X] from problem sleuth" and not stress trying to decipher something that would feel impenetrable. homestuck doesn't try to make itself hard to understand or anything but it does become difficult to follow if you're the kind to breeze through a story and not really take in what it's telling you in the text, so problem sleuth is especially good for building up a visual language so you understand callbacks with little more than a glance. in this way problem sleuth is the theory and homestuck is the theory in practice.