#i told them explicitly that i can NOT reach out to someone who does not reach back

[hallow-hollow]

there is nothing quite like trying your hardest to love someone, only to meet them in person for the first time and experience the dawning realisation over the course of several days that they make no effort to love you back.

[jasmines-library]

CAN YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING WITH OLDER BROTHER DAMIAN WAHNE?? LIKE 11 ISH YEAR OLD READER?? Reader is also an ex child weapon. Just a silent cutie pie. I just wanna see Damian spoiling them. Or something with like reader not following his orders and telling Damian to go away and does reckless stuff that Damian did when he was younger and his older siblings are just laughing at the irony

Brotherly Love

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Note: Sorry again for the wait! but two in one day woo.

Warnings: Just fluffy

Word Count: 800.

ALSO THIS IS MY 100TH FIC 🎉🎉

⛧ BATFAM MASTERLIST ⛧

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“If you walk out that door I swear to God-” Damian curses as you slink out of the door of the batcave. He had explicitly told you that he didn’t want you going on this mission because he had deemed it ‘too dangerous’ as soon as Bruce gave the details. For a boy who claimed he ‘didn’t give a shit’ he was rather protective. Of course, being the highly trained, and rather confident 11 year old you are (which basically meant you were an adult) you had decided that you weren’t going to listen to him. With a sly smirk, you slipped out of the door. “God dammit!”

Damian kicks the wheely chair beside him. It slides across the room.  And then there’s laughter.

It was Jason, geared up in his suit, minus the signature hood. He was leaning against the wall, an amused smirk on his face. 

“Finally getting a taste of your own medicine, huh Demon Spawn?”

“What?” Damian half snapped, his temper wearing thin as he spun around to face his brother.

This made Jason’s grin widen. “Don’t act as if you weren’t exactly the same.”

Damian glowered. “That’s different.”

Jason just raised an eyebrow. “Is it?”

“....shut up. Where are you going anyway?” Damian nods towards Jason’s suit. 

“Someone has to go and get them. And it certainly won't be you.”

~

“Hi Dami.” You smiled as you sat yourself beside him on the couch. He was still in a grump, grumbling about your excursion. Jason had gone to find you, but instead of bringing you home, he let you finish the mission. This royally pissed Damian off, and he was almost 100% certain that Jason had done it just to spite him. But as much as he wanted to, Damian just couldn’t stay mad at you. Especially when you looked up at him with those bright and mischievous eyes. You very much reminded your other siblings of Damian when he was your age. Though of course, now he would claim he was all grown up and always has been. And, even though Damian wished he could keep holding his grudge against you, his face couldn't help but melt. 

“Hey, kiddo.” he greeted, looking down at you curiously.

“What are you doing?” You ask. You had always been fond of your older brothers, but you had an especially soft spot for Damian, as he did for you. 

Damian held up the book that he was half reading, but then gestured to the TV that he kept getting distracted by. “I don’t even know why I bothered trying to be honest.”

“Oh.” You acknowledged before reaching forwards to pick up the video game controllers. You raised an eyebrow and held one out for him to take. He snatched it up and turned it on. Damian was very clearly competitive, however he let you win the first few rounds before he decided he had had enough and wanted to take all of the glory for himself. 

At some point, the two of you deemed it time for a break. It didn’t last long, but it gave the two of you long enough to stretch your legs. When you returned, Damian was already back on the couch. On the coffee table he had placed two steaming mugs of hot cocoa, topped with cream and marshmallows. He had also haphazardly placed a bunch of crisps in a bowl and had collected an extensive array of snacks that he had chucked onto the table too. 

You raised an eyebrow, looking curiously at him. 

“What?”

“You got snacks.”

“Yeah….well you looked hungry.”

Your face melted at Damian’s tenderness. Damian rolled his eyes as you took a sip of the hot chocolate, getting whipped cream on your face. He chuckled and gestured for you to wipe it away. You grinned up at him again.

“Thank you, Dami.” you beamed, nudging his side affectionately. 

“Yeah, well. Don’t get used to it.” He grumbled, unable to hide the sliver of a smile creeping up onto his face. 

The two of you eventually fall asleep, still in front of the TV and half gripping the controllers as the game idles on without you. It’s Dick who pokes his head around the door to see what the noise is. He is surprised to see you with your head on Damian’s shoulder as the two of you snooze. With a soft smile, he turns off the TV and places a blanket over the two of you. But not before snapping a quick picture of the two of you which he would definitely use to wind up Damian some point in the not too distant future.

⛤⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽⛧☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⛤

BATFAM TAGS

@hearts4robs @xxrougefangxx @hell-o-kittys @harleycao @batfamsstuff @alicedawitchbish

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[randomness-is-my-order]

something about wei wuxian and wen qing’s relationship is so profoundly heartening and i think it’s because, in that first life, they were each other’s confidants in the sense that they voluntarily allowed the other person to see them at their most vulnerable and trust the other to take care of them. wei wuxian trusted wen qing to carry out the golden core transfer and trusted her when he was helpless on that bed, his core cut out from him. and wen qing could think of no one else but wei wuxian to help her when she was in her most dire circumstances, trusting him to help her and her family out when no one else would.

“all that pride–all gone.”

at her lowest, wen qing went to wei wuxian and allowed him to see her that way. partly because her family was so much more important than a game of saving face and partly because if there was someone who would see her in such a state and not think ill of her and continue to respect her, it was wei wuxian. because he’s also been at his worst, circumstantially, and it was exactly in those days that their initial bond/friendship was forged.

there is alot of talk about debts when wwx and the wens are concerned but i think the way they helped each other transcends the obligation of debts. of course, you simply cannot overlook who was owed what, given the setting but it’s interesting that we have this passage to make us reflect on the true nature of wei wuxian and wen qing helping each other:

when wei wuxian had bid her farewell, carrying jiang cheng on his back, wen qing had told him this: “no matter how this war ends, we do not owe each other anything from now on. our debts are cleared.” her haughtiness was clear as day in his memory. but last night, she had clutched his hand in a death grip and almost dropped to her knees as she pleaded.

“wei wuxian…wei wuxian…wei-gongzi. please help me. i have no one else to turn to. you have to help me save a-ning! i really have no one else, i can only come to you!”

it’s the way that following wen qing’s refuge of wei wuxian and jiang cheng, there was a sentiment of: oh the wens did this to you and now we, also wens, have helped you just to compensate a little. let’s settle these debts and leave them behind. and this is despite wen qing clearly stating that the wen clan’s actions do NOT reflect her own and that she’s only ever saved lives, not taken any. and yet she declares “our” debts as cleared as if she had taken some accountability anyway. it’s part that and part her attempt to obscure what her actions towards wwx and jc truly were: an unconditional show of support and help. and wei wuxian knows this and it is only reasonable and honorable to still see the help as a debt owed later down the line.

and the same thing repeats itself when wen qing comes to wei wuxian and explicitly asks for help. there is a sense that this isn’t about some give-and-take or reciprocation of prior debts. it is simply a person reaching out to someone in their most desparate times, hoping their hand will be held. and wei wuxian does hold her hand and they remain each other’s staunch supporters through the rescue and the hellish survival in the burial mounds that follows.

wei wuxian trusts wen qing with his wounds and wen qing opens up her most loved ones to wei wuxian’s care. for two people who spent their lives looking after their loved ones, shouldering massive burdens and going through the destruction of their respective clans, their intrinsic understanding of each other makes their bond so special, so grounded. they both took massive risks to help each other out and they both did what was right over what was easy to extend that help to each other.

despite my fair share of problems with the cql, i appreciated that scene with wq and jc where wen qing made it clear that she couldn’t pursue anything with jiang cheng because he wouldn’t stand by her. he simply didn’t have the guts. and this is reflected in the novel canon, in the sense, that if debts owed are the metric to measure who could have helped wen qing, jiang cheng was also on the list and he was obligated to aid her as much as, if not more than wei wuxian (and i say this because the whole reason wwx ended up staying under wen qing’s extended care was because jc was injured. he would’ve left as soon as he was discovered had he been alone). and yet wen qing doesn’t ever approach jiang cheng. her only option is wei wuxian because she knows, deep down, that he would truly help her and go to greater lengths for her than any debts would warrant. that he would understand.

and thing is, despite being the outliers of their clans, they both (+wen ning) embodied their mottos. “attempt the impossible”/“knowingly do what you know you cannot do” for the jiangs and “every kindness should be returned” for the wens (very hilarious ik) and that is just one amongst the hundreds of commonalities they shared.

and all of this doesn’t even account for the fact that they basically died for each other. if this isn’t platonic love at its best, most brutal, most beautiful, then what is?

[numberoneredriotfan]

It makes me really upset that Kirishima and Bakugou's friendship wasn't highlighted too much after season 4 or the shie hassakai arc. And I don't even mean this in a shipping sense. Kirishima was a HUGE part of Bakugou's character development even if it wasn't shown that way.

At first, Kirishima is introduced as one of the only people who can handle Bakugou and all his intensity- as well as his explosive (haha get it) personality. This is showcased more clearly in the sports festival arc.

Kirishima offers to be Bakugou's horse, because he's the only one that can handle his explosions with his hardening (which is probably the only quirk in 1-A that really effectively deflect Bakugou's explosions, so nobody else could really be in that position other than Kirishima.) Also, he without hesitation called Bakugou a dumbass and told him to remember his fucking name, even after seeing how angry he can get when provoked. And this isn't even the last time Kirishima does this. So Kirishima becomes someone who can handle Bakugou, but their friendship doesn't end there.

Most this development probably happened off-screen, but overtime Bakugou started to see Kirishima as an equal. Not just someone who could handle Bakugou and put up with him, but as someone who is able to stand by his side unwavering while also understanding his perspective to some extent (which I assume is rare for Bakugou, considering most other's view of him is either "what a jackass" or "wow he's so cool").

Which is why I really love this scene they added in the anime, which shows that Kirishima understands Bakugou, even if he seems like just an arrogant asshole. I think the only other character who understands Bakugou on that level is Deku (and of course his classmates learn to understand later on, but I'm talking about early on).

Kirishima was arguably the first person who Bakugou saw as an equal. Something I noticed about early Bakugou is that he either had a superiority complex or a inferiority complex with someone, and there was really no in between lol. That was, until Kirishima. Who came in as someone who neither above or below him. While Kirishima doesn't take any of Bakugou's shit, he also doesn't treat Bakugou like just a jerk.

This is of course, showcased best in the iconic Bakugou rescue scene.

This scene was honestly just such a good show of their bond, and how Bakugou sees Kirishima. Because as Deku pointed out, Bakugou wouldn't have taken anyone else's hand. We know this for a fact, as this was the same man who would've rather been kidnapped by villains then accept Deku's help-

So yeah. I fully believe if it was anyone other than Kirishima to reach out a hand to him, he would've straight up ignored them and would've tried to fight the villains himself. (Death is one thing but his ego is another apparently-).

It would be ignorant of me to say that Kirishima was the only one who understood Bakugou, because that's just not the case. Because as we saw multiple times throughout the series, Deku (as previously stated) understands Bakugou very well from the very beginning. However, while this opens up the gateway for a reconciliation with Bakugou in the future, Bakugou's complex feelings about Deku make it impossible for them to form a relationship based on that. Kirishima came in as a breath of fresh air, in which there was no lingering resentment or complexity involved. And of course, later in the series, we see the other members of class A understand Bakugou on that level as well. But in the beginning at least, Kirishima was the only person he could sort build that bridge of understanding with.

And even if it's never stated explicitly, I truly believe Bakugou wouldn't have opened up to relationships with his other classmates if it weren't for Kirishima befriending him. Or at the very least, it would've taken him a lot longer.

And the we have to take into accountability of how much their friendship has helped KIRISHIMA develop as a a character. As we can see, from the very beginning, Kirishima has a bad habit of comparing his quirk to the others of their class.

This isn't his fault necessarily, as in their society it's probably drilled into your head from a young age that you can only be a good hero if you have a flashy quirk.

And because of this, rather than looking at his own strength, he pays a lot of attention to how he compares to others.

So clearly, he's hard on himself and has a lot of self-esteem issues. (I am him. He is me-)

And it's clear he looks up to Bakugou a lot from just...Bakugou being Bakugou. Bakugou's a very forward person who jumps in without thinking (for better or worse), which is almost everything Kirishima wants to be. I honestly think that might've been- at least partially- what drew Kirishima to Bakugou. He wanted to be more like him, even if he wouldn't admit to himself. He, in a way, was putting Bakugou on a pedestal, even if he didn't realize that Bakugou sees him as an equal.

But then, Bakugou tells him this:

Which in the end, pushes Kirishima to reach his full potential, which came in form of unbreakable. Bakugou, who was originally someone he looked up to and admired, eventually became his motivation. His drive, even. And it wasn't just Bakugou, obviously, but Bakugou still contributed a lot.

And after all this, their friendship gets pushed to the side so we can focus on Bakugou and Deku's reconciliation. Which isn't bad! I love Bakugou and Deku's friendship as well! And I will say it holds a lot more importance to the plot of the story, and it wasn't necessarily a requirement to have Bakugou and Kirishima's relationship showcased more.

But still, I feel as though one could assume that once Bakugou got his character development from Kirishima, he didn't need anymore. Like he was just a stepping stone in order to reach his redemption with Deku. Which is just a sad way to look at their relationship :( and I truthfully believe that that just isn't the case. We did get a few crumbs, but even then we never got to see them talk one-one as friends after a while.

This isn't supposed to be Kiribaku propaganda or anything like that, and some of this will probably fall into headcanon territory and is just my interpretation of their characters. This also isn't me saying that their relationship is more important than Bakugou and Deku's, or Kirishima and Mina's, this is just more of a vent on how I would've liked to see more of their friendship.

Edit: just wanted to put this here as well

(From mha ultra analysis)

[randomciabatta724]

Some Polites headcanons because they're good for the soul.

Note: these are a mix of details from the musical I wanted to expand on, stuff I've read from other posts, and things I randomly came up with.

He was in the frontlines (or at least near them) during the Trojan war. Not because he wanted to fight, he just thought "if I have to join the battle, I'll at least shield those behind me". I took this from Survive, because he had to be pretty close to Polyphemus to be the first one hit by the club.

Self sacrificial. Very self sacrificial. Would die for the crew, especially for Odysseus and Eurylochus.

Loves dates. Either on their own or with honey. I don't know why, he just gives me the vibe.

Had night terrors both during and after the war. Either nightmares about the people he killed (let's face it, you don't come out of a 10 year war without getting blood on your hands) or his friends dying in battle. Never explicitly told anyone, but he would stay with his friends a little longer the morning after. Also picked a lot more night watch turns as a result, just to get his mind off of things.

Bruises/gets injured extremely easily, and doesn't notice/care. Especially if someone else is hurt too. "Are you alright?" asks Polites to another soldier while coughing up blood.

Also very durable, somehow. That's why Polyphemus had to hit him twice/j.

Myopic king. The glasses are a gift from Athena, because she was like "I think you're a soft-hearted fool, but I'll be damned if you embarrass my Warrior of the Mind because you can't see beyond the bridge of your nose".

The type of person to keep eating horrible/possibly poisoned food just to not offend the person who prepared it. Odysseus had to smack the lotus out of his hand because he would have still taken a bite to not make the lotus eaters upset (he brought some with him anyway, that's where Odysseus got the lotuses to put in the wine).

Many have already said this, he's the therapist friend before therapy was invented.

Gives the best hugs.

Taller than Odysseus but shorter than Eurylochus (Odysseus reaches Polites' chest, Polites reaches Eurylochus' nose).

Apologises when he bumps into furniture. It's a reflex, he doesn't notice he does it. It's a remnant of his pre-glasses days, when he couldn't distinguish a person from a vase.

The ancient Greek equivalent of a Godfather to Telemachus.

Extremely trusting, sometimes a little too much (fun fact: in the Odyssey he's like the first one to enter Circe's palace).

Very forgiving. He gives second, third, even fourth chances like it's nothing, no matter how badly someone hurts him. You have to be pretty forgiving to still think about greeting the world with open arms after being clubbed to death. (Note: this does not apply to his friends getting hurt).

When he takes off his bandana, his curls reach his shoulders and cover his left eye, and it gives him a whole different vibe. He still radiates warmth, but it's not the same. Kinda like the sun at noon and the sun at dusk. The second is still warm and welcoming, but dimmer, softer, maybe a little darker. People have mistaken him for someone else because of this.

Super heavy sleeper. One time when they were younger, Odysseus and Eurylochus decided to try and wake him up by making the most noise possible. They did not succeed.

His first kiss was Eurylochus while Odysseus was away in Sparta to court Penelope.

One time, someone tried to rob him. The guy was like "Give me your money!" and Polites was like "Oh dear, look at you, of course I'll give you my money, you look like you really need it. Also, why don't you come to my house so I can give you some food and clean clothes?". The thief was so ashamed of himself he ran away.

He befriended Charon in the Underworld.

You know the plague that Apollo sent during the Iliad? He may or may not have gotten it, I haven't decided yet.

Considering that in epic the sirens have the ability to shapeshift into loved ones, there was definitely a siren Polites somewhere during Suffering/Different Beast.

He's generally a very calm person, the only thing that really gets him angry is when his friends get hurt. And when he's angry, he's not someone to mess with. He can and will kick ass. And the thing that rubs salt in the wound is that if you get beat up by Polites, it's almost certainly your fault, because Polites isn't the kind of person that goes around randomly beating people up. And very few people wish to carry the title "The person who got beat up by Polites".

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

The last headcanon is something I've also based a scenario on. Basically, after Odysseus kills the suitors, they go to the Underworld. Most of them are still shaken up by the whole thing, which is understandable, getting shot by an enemy you can't see while unarmed in the dark is not fun, but not Antinous. Antinous is pissed. And so he rallies up the other suitors, he gives a whole speech where he basically says they can get revenge on Odysseus once he joins them there and also reveals all the shit they did while he was gone. And Polites is like, talking to Eurylochus or something, when he overhears. And so he goes to give Antinous the beating of his life because you do **not** disrespect his best friend and his family like that. And the suitors+Eurylochus are watching from a corner, with the suitors getting even more scared.

That's it. Nothing more :)

I know Eurylochus is married to Ctimene but I SHIP HIM AND POLITES SO BAD AAAAAAAAHHHHHH

[saintsenara]

How do you think Sirius felt about Lupin not reaching out to Harry before POA? Would he be angry or would he understand that Lupin’s condition (plus extreme poverty) would have made that difficult (along with his guilt and self loathing ofc)?

controversially... i don't think he gave a shit.

before i have the timeline up in arms, let me say that i'm an enormous fan of harry and sirius' canon relationship. the muddy paw-print good luck card - and the fact that sirius is the only person harry ever seems even vaguely child-like with, and the fact that harry knows that sirius is dead because he'd never disappear from his sight otherwise - lives rent-free in my head, and i understand completely why so many fans hate seeing the depth of their relationship devalued in service of a characterisation of sirius which is stupid, prissy, flaky, and fickle. because i'm one of them.

however... i must also be frank that there are some things which have emerged in reaction to this fanon devaluation of sirius' commitment to harry which i think are a little overblown. [and which have moved beyond "good godfather sirius black" to "flawless godfather sirius black".]

the reaction sirius is often written as having - within the canon timeline [alternate universes are alternate universes] - to harry's pre-hogwarts experience is one of them.

sirius is often taken as someone who's ready to murder the dursleys and whisk harry away from them at the slightest provocation. within such a characterisation, lupin's failure to check in on harry during his childhood - and, therefore, his failure to do anything about the neglect and abuse harry was experiencing - could be presumed to have sirius ready to tear his old friend limb-from-limb.

in prisoner of azkaban, sirius invites harry to live with him - not because he wants to rescue him, but because he's harry's legal guardian according to james and lily's wishes, and he wants to fulfil those wishes - but by order of the phoenix he takes the same view of harry living with the dursleys as everyone else does: that it isn't nice by any means, but that it is necessary.

that is, once sirius knows about the blood protection - which we can presume happens fairly shortly after prisoner of azkaban, since we know he and dumbledore write to each other - he's completely on board with harry staying where he is.

and this connects to something else i think the fandom has a tendency to overstate: the extent to which sirius intervenes in harry's favour against the rest of the order.

because - yes - sirius is absolutely right to say - on harry's first night in grimmauld place - that he should be updated on what the order have been doing while he's been in little whinging.

this is correct from an operational standpoint - and the primary flaw in molly weasley's argument is, as lupin points out, that excluding the children in the house only stops them learning accurate information about the order's mission, rather than information full stop.

and it also shows sirius' understanding of and respect for who harry is as a person. he's the only adult character in the book who explicitly recognises that harry objects to being infantilised, is frustrated with the information blackout to which he's subjected, and feels that his own contribution and usefulness to the anti-voldemort cause is being overlooked for no good reason.

but... even as we acknowledge this, we also have to acknowledge that - while he recognises that harry's feelings are valid - sirius never suggests that the order's treatment of harry is inappropriate, unnecessary, or unreasonable.

throughout order of the phoenix sirius takes exactly the same view as everyone else:

that harry should be subjected to an information blackout that he should remain in little whinging until told otherwise that he shouldn't be told he's being surveilled that he shouldn't be told about the prophecy and its contents that he shouldn't be made privy to the detail of the order's plans that he shouldn't be informed that he might be possessed and - above all - that dumbledore's decisions when it comes to harry are the right ones and dumbledore's interpretation of events which involve harry is correct

clearly, there's some tension in sirius and dumbledore's relationship in order of the phoenix. but this relates to sirius' view of his own experience - in particular, his struggles with seeing any non-active contribution to the order as valuable. when it comes to harry, he defers - like all the other adults in the order - to dumbledore.

and this is obviously going to affect how sirius understands harry's experience while he was in azkaban.

dumbledore explains to harry - at the end of order of the phoenix - that he was placed with the dursleys for his own protection. not only does the blood protection keep him safe from voldemort - indeed, it is the only thing [as both dumbledore and voldemort acknowledge] that does - but his separation from the wizarding world keeps him safe from voldemort's supporters. and while - yes - dumbledore is withholding certain, horcrux-related bits of the truth from harry here, the broader truth remains... harry is placed with the dursleys because it's the only way to keep him alive, and - regardless of whether the reader thinks this justifies what happens to him - canon is clear that sirius, whose only motivation is to keep harry safe, would.

which means that lupin wouldn't need to offer any explanation for not attempting to seek harry out beyond "dumbledore said not to".

i also think, as a post-script, that the fact that harry doesn't seem to be particularly bothered by his distant relationship with lupin - while sirius is alive, that is - is another reason why sirius wouldn't care about it.

sirius' priority - which i say not as a wolfstar-versus-prongsfoot thing but as a "these are the group dynamics in the canon text" thing - is james. lupin and pettigrew are both clearly his secondary friends while james is alive.

and so, while i reject the idea that he sees harry as indistinguishable from james - this is nonsense the films invented - sirius does nonetheless see harry as someone who takes the same role in society as james did [notice, for example, that he always imagines harry as a leader and the other child characters as followers]. this is the thing he perceives as the same across his relationship with harry and his relationship with james: that he is the only person seen as a peer or co-leader, rather than a follower. he can't envision harry feeling let down by lupin, because in this context lupin would have to have had power over harry to let him down.

if harry was angry at lupin himself - especially if harry framed this as being betrayed or shown insufficient loyalty - i think there's grounds to claim that sirius would share this anger. but i don't think he'd ever be inclined to manufacture it for himself.

[l-in-the-light]

The most embarrassing series of posts about Lawlu you will ever read: edition Dressrosa (part 5)

Are we ready for the feels? Because my "Love is a Hurricane tale" of Lawlu analysis continues on into Dressrosa, the land of love and passion! In this episode we will focus on Luffy and Law seperately. This post will be much more serious as well. Lots and lots of scrutinizing analysis ahead!

Let's point out two things here: apparently it was Sanji who was the rebel and left as the first one, attracted to amazing smells. Luffy on the other hand, actually tried to get closer to Law and listen properly.

And, one group of people is now enteirely missing. For once, it wasn't Luffy's fault, he wasn't even the first one to venture out and that tells us a lot already. Law, despite rather displeased with that outcome, decides not to do anything about it. Perhaps one of the remaining Strawhats told him not to worry about it... but would they say it? We're left with Nami, Usopp, Brook, Chopper, Robin and Momo. They're kinda a bunch of people easily scared and paranoid. Robin is the only exception, but she would rather just chuckle at all the chaos that's happening rather than reassure anyone.

I think the more likely option is Law trying to play it cool so that the rest won't worry too much. Whether he's personally worried or not wouldn't have mattered, he already feels like taking care of these people is his responsibility and he needs to be strong for them. He probably did worry himself a bit here. Let's switch to Luffy from now on:

As fast as Luffy realized (thanks to Sanji) that things aren't going as predicted, he tries to find a fast fix for it himself. I mean, he had a pretty good idea about it, sadly he was stopped with his attempt. This will start a streak of Luffy's attempts to actually stick to the plan, as disbelieving as that sounds right now. After all, he didn't listen to the end about the plan, obviously Luffy doesn't care??

If he doesn't care, why is his initial reaction towards Zoro slightly angry here? Oh, maybe because Law assigned them into one group and Luffy realizes *they have to stick together*. That's exactly why he left after Sanji (who shouldn't actually be in their group, but nevermind), it wasn't just for adventure (ofc that was important as well), it was to stay with their group. Ofc right after Luffy quickly snaps into his usual happy go lucky attitude, thinking it would be fun to chase Zoro, but let's keep in mind that's his second reaction, not the first one, and that's already giving us a hint what will be Luffy's priority from now on.

Luffy is unusually interested in finding the smiles factory. Concerned even. Perhaps he was keeping in mind Law's warning that finding the factory won't be easy and is reminded now of that.

Putting aside Luffy's clear PTSD reaction here (proving us he's still not over Ace's death, because why would he be), despite the fact he declares he wants flame-flame fruit, he doesn't immediately jump to the decision of doing everything he can to get it. It's actually only after Franky's encouragement that he makes his final decision! Very unusual for Luffy to hold back on something that important for him and needing encouragement. It's Luffy who encourages people usually, he just goes and reaches his hands to grab what he wants without fretting over it. I wonder why is he hesitating so much?

Ofc Luffy's enthusiasm to stay undercover is lovely, but he still almost fails with it right afterwards, because, well, he's Luffy. And why does he need to stay undercover? Oh right, so someone's plan in Dressrosa wouldn't be affected!

Meanwhile we have Law who tries to play it calm and cool for the group, but he's actually growing anxious. There are already two signs that the plan is going to have more problems than expected, since people in Dressrosa act normal despite their king abdicating, and then CP0 arrives. He won't voice his doubts explicitly though, he knows he needs to keep morale of the group up. But when they make it to the bridge, he already decided not to use his devil fruit to save up strength, he knows there will be problems up ahead thanks to all those signs.

It's kinda heartwarming but also a bit sad to see Luffy holding back so much. At all times he tries his best not to blow his cover. But Luffy is really terrible at lying, so he's fretting around a lot, clearly stressed from all the unfavourable developments. He even tries to stop himself from cheering on for Bellamy, something he would usually do without a second thought. Officially he claims he's doing it for Franky, but we all know why Franky told Luffy to be undercover: it was all for Law's plan to succeed, and attracting attention would be bad for it. It's not very direct, but all of Luffy's efforts are actually for Law and his plan.

Law remembered his own nature: giving out orders expecting others to live up to them. He's indeed just like Luffy here haha. Though we can excuse him a little, the situation was bad after all. Luffy meanwhile does it all the time.

Top images: Again, poor distressed Luffy is afraid his identity will be revealed and he will be the one responsible for blowing up Law's plan. He really doesn't want to disappoint him. Compare this to when he inflitrates the castle with Viola later on (bottom images), he doesn't even hesitate to take off his disguise even though his cover wasn't even blown yet. Only after Luffy removes his koi fish costume, the guy realized it was Strawhat Luffy. But Luffy doesn't care anymore for being undercover.

The contrast is shocking with the previous image. It just proves how much he was struggling and bracing himself to stay in that disguise in the collosseum, it must have been hard for him. But Luffy would try his best and beyond for Law. He just would do the same for Ace, that's why he couldn't ignore flame-flame fruit bait.

Luffy got fed by Rebecca, so he feels like he owes her. He listens to her story, about the country, about the toy soldier, he clearly wants to help her, but he stays silent. Again, unusual reaction for Luffy, normally he would be already enthusiasthically shouting that he will get rid of Doflamingo for Rebecca. But, beating up Doffy wasn't part of Law's plan, so Luffy just sits quietly, torn internally.

Let's compare it to, let's say, Drum Island Arc. Luffy doesn't hesitate at all. That's the Luffy we know.

Luffy is still listening to Rebecca. Gets reminded of Goa Kingdom. He still doesn't declare he will kick Doffy's ass. His resolve to not disappoint Law is really strong, if he's able to stop himself like that.

Law puts up a tough front, but I think he's kinda bluffing here, just throwing Doflamingo's words back at him. Internally, he must be worrying and hoping he won't mess things up himself, that he's able to withhold Doflamingo long enough.

It's not even a matter of whether he believes in what he says himself, but the dedication: he will do anything in his might. Is it for the plan, that backfired on him already? Or did his reason shift, yet again, to what it was in Punk Hazard and that means keeping Luffy relatively safe? He didn't put Luffy in his own group, the one that was at most risk, he didn't leave him up on Sunny (he probably would have wanted to, but not even Law can control Luffy's deep craving for adventure). Law is now just buying time so Luffy's group can destroy the factory; that's his chosen way of keeping them out of trouble and instead taking it all up on himself.

Another bluff from Law. We know he doesn't know what that D. even stands for, so there's no way he could have that much faith in it. After all Law is having trouble believing in things after Flevance. He says this line just because he knows it will rile up Doflamingo, and also because of his trust in Corazon. Cora-san lied a lot though so there's no way Law would take that line at face value and not doubt it at all.

Riling up Doflamingo is a sign that Law allowed him to play on his emotions. Provoking him here will end up in a disastrous result for Law. But let's rewind a moment earlier, Doffy is on a call with his subordinate, telling them to make the factory's security stronger. Ofc Law would lose his calm over that. Because who's in the group destroying the factory? Luffy. Law took it as his personal duty to keep him safe.

Back to Luffy's side now. Wait a moment. Luffy tells his crew to stop the rebellion in the oppressed country?? Despite having been fed by Rebecca and owing her a favour? Did someone just exchange Luffy with an alien here?? That's not the Luffy we know!

Though to be fair, even if it's a bit of a backwards logic, he does think it will help Rebecca as well, because she doesn't want the toy soldier to be in danger. But look at Zoro's reaction here. He's clearly taken aback. Our Zoro, the very first crewmate of Luffy, who was with him practically from the very start. And that Zoro is surprised by Luffy's reaction. He expected him to fully support the rebellion. If that's not the final argument to how strange Luffy is behaving, then I doubt anything can convince you.

His crewmates are getting involved with the rebellion, but Luffy is still quiet and refusing to go against Law's plan. Franky finally loses it and says he will do it, even if it means he will have to do it alone.

And that's finally the moment Luffy breaks his resolve. He's not gonna leave a crewmate alone. He's gonna help with that plan as well, just to fullfill Rebecca's wish, already planning to leave the collosseum before the final fights. It took Luffy only like 30 chapters to finally decide to do what he truly wants to do. For Luffy liberating countries and making people free is very important. He knows already that the peace is Dressrosa is only a facade and he hates when peace is just a facade, it's not a true peace to him. He would go fly some punches the moment he realizes that. The only reason he didn't was Law.

But let's keep in mind, it doesn't paint Law as a bad guy here. His original plan did involve dethroning Doflamingo, just indirectly, not through punching him in the face. Luffy believes Law to be the good guy who also wants to help this country, so he believes in Law's plan. But Luffy will never leave his crewmate in need and that's the only reason Luffy decided to go against Law's plan in the end. We don't know how it would end, would Luffy still try to stop the rebellion after he joined with them? We will sadly never know.

Before they even know what's going on, Luffy's face is already very worried. He clearly has a bad feeling. Perhaps it's an early sign of his future sight talent that will evolve only much, much later. In this case it activated not because Luffy himself was in danger, but because he had a bad feeling someone dear to him is.

What an interesting reaction from Luffy after he realized Doflamingo got Torao. "Torao, why are you fighting with Mingo?!" why would Luffy care about it in a moment like this? Oh, perhaps because he was still believing in Law's plan and facing Doffy was never part of it. That's your final proof that Luffy took this whole operation seriously, he constantly was thinking about Law and his plan, and trying not to disappoint him, so of course he's shocked beyond all logic that Traffy himself went against it. He didn't have much choice, at least that's what Law believes. He would never take an alternative: backing out, because then full attention of Doflamingo would focus on Luffy's group.

And here we go, Luffy's reaction to Law passing out from the lead bullets. Flashback to Ace and Marineford definitely played itself inside Luffy's head at this moment.

How dare you, Mingo, indeed.

Screaming after him, trying to leave and forgetting seastone bars make it impossible for him, very distressed but calmed himself down because he can feel Law's soul didn't yet leave his body. That's probably the first reference to Luffy's skill of being able to tell when someone is just passed out and when they're dead or close to dying (it's the last option in this case btw).

Despite all the chaos and worry, Luffy is still focused enough to realize that the plan did go astray and is so very taken aback. He might even wonder if it's somehow his own fault here, after all he did go to the collosseum, if he didn't then maybe the situation wouldn't evolve the way it did. He probably thinks he could have destroyed that factory super fast if he just wasn't so obssessed with flame-flame fruit.

Nami seems to get it. First it was Zoro who understood how surprisingly important this thing is for Luffy, now Nami understood it as well. And Nami helps Luffy come up with the best option: how to not destroy Law's plan any further by making sure they have the winning hand, because at the end of the day, that's the most important thing, right? Law wanted to keep Momo, Caesar and Smiles away from Doflamingo, so even if anything else about the plan fails, they will make sure this part succeeds no matter what.

Nami does it for Luffy, not for Law, because she realized Luffy cares a lot. She's always there supporting his decisions and wishes, no matter how reckless they are, even if they scare her, just like she does when she's navigating: making sure her skills will bring them anywhere Luffy wants and needs to go. She does the same for him here, just on different level: navigating the plan.

For Luffy, respecting Law's wishes and goals is important. He doesn't want another Ace scenario in which Law sacrifices everything, his dreams, people important to him, his ambitions, just to keep Luffy safe. Those two truly understand each other on a very intimate level, it seems.

And so Luffy makes his decision. Keeping Law safe is more important than sticking to the original plan, but he will leave it up to his crewmates to gather the scattered pieces together so that Law's wishes are fullfilled. He entrusts that with them, meanwhile focusing on what he wants to do the most. And what's that again? Helping Rebecca? Destroying factory? Exposing the darkness of Dressrosa and beating Mingo? Oh no, wait. He says it here: to get Torao back.

Are you disgusted already? I am a bit lol <3

Luffy worrying for his crewmates. On the surface level, nothing unusual right? Because he cares for them, it's to be expected. Except Luffy never worries for them, instead he trusts them. In Punk Hazard when his crew barely made it to escape the gas he didn't worry openly like that, he trusted in his crewmates instead. Usopp even points it out that he wishes Luffy sometimes didn't have that much faith in them, because it can get overwhelming how he needs to meet up his expectations.

But here instead Luffy just worries about his crew. Must be because now, after seeing Law defeated by Mingo, he takes his words about how strong Mingo is even more seriously than before. He believes Law to be so strong after all. He doesn't even have to face Doffy himself to know what Law's defeat means. He's willing to take a bet based on someone else's experience, which is also rather unusual in Luffy's case - he normally always needs to test things out himself, doesn't believe other people's opinions or rumours. Again Law proves to be a rare exception.

I dunno how you all feel about this panel, but seems for Luffy, shit just got very personal. In the frame before (I won't put it here because it takes full page) we see three figures: Toy Soldier (symbolizing Franky's wish to help tontattas with the rebellion), Rebecca (Luffy's debt over the food) and Law. Those are the three reasons that push Luffy to make his decision. He wants to beat Mingo's ass for all of those reasons: because his crewmates want to, because he wants to help Rebecca and... because he wants to get payback in Law's stead. I mean, why else would Law be one of Luffy's reasons here? Beating up Mingo was still not part of Law's plan, so he's not doing it to respect Law's wishes in any way. No, if someone messes with Luffy's crewmate, then they mess up with Luffy, that's just how shit goes.

Wait, didn't you mean to write "friend"? Law isn't Luffy's crewmate! We will get to it in part 2 ;)

Now, after finding out about Sabo being still alive, Luffy can't stop crying or calm himself at all. Zoro's getting super annoyed with him, scolding him, hitting him and nothing works UNTIL he drops Torao's name. Suddenly Luffy gets his shit back together enough to actually say what? "I'll save Torao!" geezas so gross Even his face grows more determined. Reuninting with Sabo was important, but so is saving Torao. They're probably on same level in Luffy's mind and that alone is honestly insane to think about.

Damn, seeing how this post covered only 30 chapters, you can all expect there will be like 3 more parts just focused on Dressrosa alone.

Do let me know if you got convinced with my analysis or not :) or do you still think Luffy didn't care even for a moment about Law and his plan in Dressrosa?

[kalamity-jayne]

Sorry for asking but I am a cis male teenager (well, I thought I was.) but lately I have realized I think I might be a trans girl? I am very scared to drop my masculinity. How did you find out you were trans if that’s okay to ask?

Of course it's ok! I am always happy to help someone who is questioning their gender. However, this is actually a pretty loaded question, because while there is a lot of talk about "when my egg cracked" in trans circles, figuring out you're trans isn't always attributable to any one singular event. Some folks might crack through and emerge from their egg in one swift motion but that is not true for everyone, it certainly wasn't true for me. Sure I could tell about the moment the first crack in my shell appeared, but a single crack in the egg is a far cry from actually breaking out. For many it's a process that can involve a series of revelations and tends to require lots of self reflection and learning how to love yourself. So, there is no quick and easy answer for this. However, I think my story will have a number of different lessons relevant to your question.

Before getting into all that though, I feel I must point out that cisgender folks rarely ask themselves these kinds of questions and when they do entertain these thoughts it's brief and comes with very little agony. The fact you have gone so far as to reach out to trans woman for advice, the fact the you are clearly worried by the prospect of being trans, is a pretty clear indicator that you probably are trans. Regardless of whether you actually are transgender or not, I want you to know that either way, it's ok. You will be ok, no matter what conclusions you come to.

Now, the story of how I figured out I was trans. Bear in mind, the first “aha moment” was 20 yrs ago and things were very different back then. I was about 17yrs old at the time and the term transgender didn't have the currency then that it does now, there wasn't the robust set of terminology that we have today, there were far fewer resources to turn to, no social media, and the overall public opinion was significantly more hostile towards anything LGBT. Anyway, more below the cut.

I didn't follow the typical trans narrative of the time in the sense that, as a child I didn't really care about my clothes so long as my favorite cartoon characters were on 'em, I liked toys typically marketed towards boys, I looked like a boy and everyone referred to me as a boy. So I thought I was a boy. However, I do have a vague memory from early childhood, somewhere between the ages of 4-6, of sneaking into my mother’s room and stealing a pair of her satin underwear and trying it on (it surely would have been too big on me but I remember liking the texture of the fabric) and hiding it under my bed. This memory has since been confirmed during my adulthood by my brother who shared a room with me at the time and had apparently found the hidden stash.

From an early age I was explicitly shunted towards masculinity. I was regularly told to “stop acting like a girl,” and “quit crying like a girl,” and even at one point to “stop walking like a girl,” by my peers and one of my brothers. By the time I was a teenager I was doing my best to be as masculine as possible going so far as joining the highschool wrestling team, a sport that is as homophobic as it is homoerotic, and I hated every minute of it because being manly didn't feel natural to me (and it definitely didn't stop the bullying). It felt like I was trying to ice skate uphill. I fit in but only imperfectly for I was merely acting.

I was also very confused about my sexuality. I thought maybe I was gay or bisexual (turns out the latter) but that didn’t really explain what I was feeling. Around 17yrs old I got curious about transsexuals, thinking maybe the answers would be found there and hoped on to the early and oh so clunky internet. Now I knew of transsexuals conceptually but I didn't know anything about them. Sadly, pornography was really the only reliable way to actually see what a trans body looked like back then. I was stunned because the women I saw did not look at all the way I expected. I was blown away by how so many of them, genitalia aside, looked indistinguishable from cisgender women. And they were all absurdly beautiful. I felt an immediate attraction but there was something else I felt too, envy. And that realization was the first crack in my eggshell.

After that I couldn't get the thought of crossdressing out of my head. So, I dug through a box of my mother's old clothes and took a few items she no longer wore, an old white tennis skirt and a very very 70s sleeveless orange blouse. I was so comfortable in those clothes and when I looked at myself in the mirror I felt good, really good. So, I continued exploring, shaved off all of of my body hair, went to department stores that were open late at night to buy girl clothes (deathly afraid someone would recognize me), I would stay up late at night to watch HBO because at midnight they would occasionally air stuff about trans people, (I remember two documentary shorts in particular and the movie Soldier’s Girl) and I scoured the internet for more information. The internet search brought me to a website called TG list (at least I think that’s what it was called, this was 20yrs ago after all) which was a directory of resources ranging from The Breast Form Store (which still exists!), a myriad of gender identity quizzes (I took nearly every single one), and Susan’s Place.

Susan’s place was one of the few reliable places to hear from actual transgender adults. Unfortunately, while Susan's Place had a lot of useful information the forums there were full of horror stories, a never-ending supply of all the things those women had suffered. So needless to say, there was little to no positivity around transness to give me hope. I was afraid to call myself trans as a result, afraid of what it meant for my life, my future, and my physical safety (you have to remember that back then Mathew Shepard wasn’t old news, his tragedy was practically current events). So I called myself a crossdresser but for reasons I didn't understand at the time I deeply resented that label. I think deep down, no matter how much I tried to deny it and bury it, a part of knew I wanted to be a girl. So when I came out to my parents as a crossdresser and explicitly told them I wasn't trans, that I didn’t have any desire to transition to female, there was that lil voice at the back of my mind calling me a liar. That voice would follow me until my late 20s.

Coming out was a real struggle for me because not only did I think my life would literally be in jeopardy, I thought everyone would think I was making it up, having not followed the stereotypical models of transsexuality. When I came out to my parents they didn't disown me or anything but they were noticeably uncomfortable around me when I was in girl mode. At a certain point I needed their help (credit card) to buy a gaff for tucking and that was when my parents, out of a misguided desire to protect me, pushed me back into the egg. Because of their rejection I spent the rest of highschool and most of my college years trying to hold the egg together with even more denial and by doubling down on masculinity. While I did have some fun during my college years, on balance I was miserable and depressed. I chafed at my male costume and I knew I was lying to myself the entire time, and I hurt myself a great deal.

During my senior year of college I started privately dabbling with crossdressing again, the desire had been nagging at me incessantly. A short time after graduating I met my wife who accepted that side of me and she introduced me to the BDSM/kink community, and the overall culture of nonjudgmental acceptance there cracked the egg for good, because is provided spaces besides my own room where I felt safe being a girl. From that point on I slowly but surely came out of the egg, first calling myself a crossdresser, then genderfluid for awhile, then GENDA passed in NY making me an explicitly protected class and for the next 2 yrs I presented as a they/them genderqueer woman 100% full time without HRT (I was still reluctant to call myself a woman).

I wrestled a long time with the choice to go on HRT. Ultimately that was always a big stumbling block for me. Therapy had gotten me pretty far but I was still afraid of so much and was unsure I would be happy with the changes because my parents had initially rejected me as their daughter in very paternalistic fashion I struggled to trust my own instincts. I still struggle with that sometimes. Eventually, I befriended a trans woman in my neighborhood who pointed out HRT works very slowly and that it takes a long time for any permanent changes to take root. So, she suggested I give it a try and if it didn't feel right I could stop.

I was also taking gender identity quizzes again. Now most of these claim to be diagnostic and those ones a generally misogynistic garbage (they ask stupid questions like, “are you good at math?” and assign a gendered value to the answer) but I happened upon one that started with the disclaimer that it wasn't diagnostic and instead only offered questions that are good to think with. Two questions in particular were very helpful. The first asked, "If you could take a pill that would allow you to wake up tomorrow as a girl, would you take it?" My answer was a hesitant yes, but that yes was bolstered by the next question, "If you could take a pill that would allow you to wake up as a man, in your current body, but without any dysphoria or desires to be feminine, would you take it?" My answer was an emphatic no because that would have felt like killing an important part of myself off. I then at the age of 33yrs old started HRT and 4yrs in I am incredibly happy. That was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Now, I know that was a lot of fucking text to read but I wrote all of that because I know the prospect of maybe being a trans girl feels scary to you right now but I want to assure you that as daunting as it may seem there is so much about being a trans woman that is full of beauty and joy. I love my trans womanhood and despite the hardships, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. In fact the opposite is true. Knowing what I know now, I would give up almost everything in order to be a woman. So if you feel like you want to give girlhood a try, do it! You can take small incremental steps and you can always stop if it doesn’t feel right, either way you will gain a degree of self knowledge most cisgender people lack completely and that is absolutely priceless! Plus, unlike me when I was a teen, there’s all kinds of resources and information available to you now and an entire community of people ready to help you, and unlike the women in the forums from my past, we aren’t all gloom and doom.

As for your fear of giving up masculinity, don’t let that fear lure you into the denial trap like it did me. Denial is like quicksand, once you’re in it becomes hard to get out, the more you struggle the deeper in you go and it is so very suffocating. And the thing is, you actually don’t have to give it all up. Back when I was presenting full time as woman without HRT, I felt like I had to be ultra feminine all the time, full face of make-up, dress, heels, the whole nine yards. Now that I’m 4 yrs in with HRT I don’t feel that pressure anymore and have since reclaimed certain aspects of masculinity I actually liked. I sill like presenting high femme from time to time but these days I mostly rock a soft butch aesthetic, flannel/t-shirt, jeans and the only makeup I wear daily is just a lil bit of blush. At certain point you become comfortable and realize that gender is just a sandbox to play in and experiment. Masculine and Feminine are just concepts, they aren’t real! so regardless of being cis or trans, don’t let those mere concepts box you in! Just do what feels natural and right to you!

I hope all of that was helpful to you anon, and that at the very least you walk away from this knowing you don’t have to have all of the answers about yourself right now. Now, I don't no the particulars of your situation, so I’m happy to speak with you further if you have follow up questions, just send another anon.

Best of luck to you anon, I am rooting for you!

Big hugs,

Mother Calamity

[syn0vial]

touch-averse or touch-starved? an analysis of boba fett's attitudes towards physical touch in legacy of the force

a sufficient number of people expressed interest in this topic that i'm finally making this post! i find this facet of fett's characterization quite fascinating and naturally wanted to share, especially bc it's so unexpectedly nuanced in a lot of ways. so here it is, for the consideration and enjoyment of fic writers, expanded universe enjoyers, and general fett fans alike!

touch is (ostensibly) unbearable because it's a form of compassion. throughout the series, if there's one thing we learn can put fett into the fight-or-flight reflex, it's compassion. at multiple points, his gut reaction to someone showing him compassion is to either lash out at them to get them to stop (as he does with jaina), or if he's not willing to do that, get away from them as fast as he can (as he does with sintas and occasionally beviin early into their friendship). fett explicitly equates more intimate forms of touch (such as hugging, or taking his hand) with compassion and states outright that he has no idea how to respond to such gestures. yet, fett's attitude towards touch cannot be boiled down to simple aversion, because

fett's reactions to physical touch read more like someone who is touch-starved, not touch-averse. despite the attitude towards compassion explored above, when fett is actually faced with compassionate touch, his reaction is not what one would expect. in contrast to when people try to verbally show him compassion, which will get the aforementioned fight-or-flight response, compassionate touch provokes much more ambivalence. for example, when sintas reaches out to take his hand, he initially "dreads" it—yet, when she actually touches him, the text tells us, "He needed her to let go of his hand; but he didn't want her to." similarly, though fett seems to express relief that mirta isn't the type to hug him or take his hand, in the very previous book, we seem to have evidence contrary to all parts of this statement. namely, mirta places her hand in his to reassure him when he's undergoing a very painful treatment for his fucked-up-clone-DNA disease, and his reaction is to immediately take her hand and, when the doctor starts lining up the needle, to squeeze it with such force that mirta "thought he'd break every bone in her fingers." these do not read as the reactions of someone who is averse to touch, but rather, someone who is actually quite touch-starved.

(note that it is not at all uncommon for fett's actions/emotional responses to be at odds with the image he projects. he is not at all a reliable narrator of his own internal experience. for example, at one point he claims to not feel ashamed of anything he's ever done, despite the fact that we see him explicitly grappling with feelings of deep, paralyzing shame for how he treated sintas. beviin even teases him for this habit at one point, responding to fett's claims of professional detachment in the face of his obvious care for others with a cheeky, "'course, i believe you 😉")

furthermore, as we see with mirta, fett can get downright clingy when he's worried about someone. in revelation, fett and mirta both take part in a mission that eventually forces them to split up into separate strike teams. fett is, to put it mildly, rather anxious about this. he fears that something will happen to mirta when she's on her own, and that furthermore, it will be his fault for agreeing to take her along on the mission in the first place. significantly, the separation is book-ended by two instances of fett physically grabbing mirta. first, when mirta begins to climb up into the other part of the ship, fett grabs her by the ankle to try and slow her departure, a result, we're told of his "sudden fear for her." he doesn't let go until she shakes him off. later on, when they're reunited, with mirta covered in someone else's (though fett isn't yet aware of this) blood, jaina observes that he grabs her tightly by the shoulder "as if he was going to shake the daylights out of her." both of these reactions seem to be purely instinctive and visceral; it seems fett's first, kneejerk reaction to the fear of losing someone is to physically grab and hold onto them. again, his actions don't align with the detached, touch-averse image he sometimes portrays.

finally, the characters who know fett best seem to know to offer physical reassurance in the face of painful/distressing situations. specifically, we see beviin and mirta offer physical touch as reassurance; beviin places his hand on fett's back when he's watching sintas suffer from carbonite thawing sickness and is anxiously waiting to see whether her mind is still intact, and, as mentioned above, mirta places her hand in his when he's receiving treatment for his genetic disease. and that's not to even mention how sintas's first reaction to seeing him in emotional turmoil is to try and take his hand. for all that fett tries to put on a distant, untouchable facade, the characters he cares about most and vice-versa can see through it within the text itself.

in conclusion, i feel like if a character he cared about actually hugged him, fett's reaction would be something along the lines of this image:

thank you for coming to my tedtalk

[orchidsangel]

Hi! I love how you write about jason! If you take requests I was thinking about how Jason is usually serious but when the reader is around he always smiles and even laughs and maybe people notice that and get surprised

*sighs while looking out window into the distance* i think about this so very often. it's not that he doesn't smile or laugh, of course he does. it's just that it's very often still hidden behind a wall of some sort. his smile doesn't really reach his eyes and he's still on guard as if something might happen at given moment, like he can't trust that the people around him won't hurt him in some way (*cough* rejection *cough*). everyones used to it, and nobody thinks anything of it anymore. that's just jason, that's just who he is. but then you come around, and he doesn't tell anyone about you. he doesn't mean to keep you a secret, it's not like he's hiding you or anything. just keeping you out of harms way which means not putting you in a rom with a bunch of heroes, vigilantes, and assasins who all have enemies. but even though he never explicitly states that he's seeing someone, everyone around him can feel it. he's not so standoffish, his energy isn't like a black hole (that often) anymore, and they sometimes catch him with a small smile on his face. the confirmation comes when you finally do meet them on a random night when a few people drop by his apartment unnanounced. he thinks that this might be the end of the world and he's honestly surprised it didn't happen sooner. his shoulder are up to his neck and he finds himself eyeing everyone in the room, seeing your reactions to them and their reactions to you. to everyone else this is typical jason, tight smiles and half-hearted laughs because he's a loner and you never know if he's in the mood for company. but you, you know somethings off. you know (even though he's never told you) that he tries to keep you seperate from that life, and so you know that this is his worst nightmare and the reason he looks like he wants to kill everybody in the room. you hand finds his arm, rubbing up and down the length of it and he immediately softens a little. when he turns his head to look at and makes eye contact his shoulders drop fully, and he smiles at you. it doesn't reach his eyes, but it's different. genuine. "how the fuck did you do that?" someone asks, pulling your attention away from eachother. and he laughs, a real laugh. not crazy loud or obnoxious, but real nonetheless. (which makes everyone around you even more confused)

(this isn't proofread, literally typed this as i'm leaving a hotel for a cross country trip. hope i did your idea justice tho xoxo)

[unkat]

chilaios medical au idea i have been bouncing in my head (will not be written until after my current one is done)

i am thinking of a like firefighter/paramedic story for these guys. where laios is a new shift commander/chief at a small middle of nowhere station and chilchuck is a medic from a big city who keeps getting reassigned because he is trying to recruit for a union and the company is trying to make his job unworkable/find a reason to let him go.

laios was promoted because of his work ethic and ability to teach other people about the ins and outs of emergency medicine, not because he wanted to be in charge. he is too new and disinterested in the company politics to throw him under the bus for other people, and by the time someone explicitly says he needs to fire him, he has gotten attached.

"he's reliable, does good work, and catches things nobody else here would have. i know he cussed out the family trying to get into the rig, but he had already told them no and they should be grateful he saved their daughter instead of filing a complaint! even if i were to discipline, he deserves a verbal warning and not dismissal. You were not there, and i am his direct superior."

(wins the argument and walks away trying not to hyperventilate)

also falin is a surgeon and marcille is a research fellow who abandoned her big-city super-focused projects to come out into the country and work with subpar equipment and an incompetent assistant. im not thinking like full rural hospital here, but closeish to it. could be an academic satellite hospital and she switched from like gene therapy trials to studying exposures/population/histology stuff.

shifting the touden hyperfixation from monsters->medical fascination i think would still get across the same vibes. falin is very nice and pleasant but she treats everyone nicely and pleasantly without actually empathizing with them. shes one of those surgeons who went to shadow a heart transplant in college and cried because it was so beautiful and then got a bunch of scholarships plus student loans for med school.

laios hunts and has a big appreciation for the lives of things he kills and butchering/using everything he can. then it translates to him being fascinated by the human body as an object more than as a being that is different and special from other animals that he is a part of. he is a fantastic emergency responder because of this- people are a pile of flesh that is broken somewhere, and he wants to figure out why. (this is something that I'm like. not sure if it is okay for me to include because it can be squicky/triggering. but i feel like when I'm unsure if I'm going too far that is when i am reaching the line i want to?)

the touden siblings still go hiking and mudding and spend their time off in the woods (marcille wears white shorts and sandels on a hike leaving laios to be very explicit and offering clothes to chilchuck when he offers him to join. chilchuck borrows his shirt and it is way too big, but he keeps it for a while.)

chilchuck is extra divorced. he facetimes with the girls a couple of times a week and gets them on rotating holidays. sometimes ex-mrs. tims invites him over for dinner because she feels sorry for him and her new boyfriend is also there. it's awkward but they both know he's harmless, just annoying and closed off. he smokes but has tried to quit 7-8 times. started when he was an emt and couldn't shake it because it helped him destress. he only knows how to drive well enough to pass his vehicle license renewals and still doesn't know what the buttons in his car do. the ac has been "broken" for a week before a station mechanic pushes the button to turn it back on (they should put a subway around here, stupid cars).

laios respects his experience and history of being at a constantly busy station that saw a variety of crazy shit. chilchuck initially resents him for being so out of touch, but grows to respect his leadership abilities. laios also always follows up on cases at the hospital to figure out the outcome and reflect on best practices.

he is the first person to get chilchuck to actually debrief after a shitty call and chil cries and never wants to talk about it again. but its like a seal in a dam has been breached, and opens up when they are cuddling on the couch. they spend more time off shift with each other. chilchuck crashes on laios' couch and initially feels like he needs excuses to do it until laios says he really likes talking with him and having him there. he tells him about the company's EAP coverage and that he encourages everyone to take advantage of it.

in the end, they hit that threshold of basically living together, and one of them would need to change their station (superior/employee romance) after they go from making out off shift in secret to seriously considering having laios meet his daughters in person. (they already think they're married because laios is always there when they call now)

[greenfiend]

Since your Will takes never miss, I need to ask: what do you think his thought process was like during his six months in Cali regarding his relationship with Mike? I'm sure there were days he clung to the energy of that last smile at his "not possible" and others when he slammed the mailbox while also glaring at the phone and never picking it up himself (your disordered attachment theory!) on the topic kinda, sorry: do you think post-s3!will ever even allowed himself to entertain the thought he could have a romantic chance with mike fr fr?

Buuuuut then how (or when) do you think the idea of creating the painting for Mike came to be? We know it was 'repurposed' in the van scene, so what do you think its original purpose was in Will's mind? Just an early birthday gift for Mike since they probably wouldn't meet in person in April? An olive branch of sorts? Was he, in earnest, only hoping to talk and go back to 'best friends' (their og dynamic or a more 'sociable' and with less yearning version of it) after the mess that was the summer of '85? < these are just shots in the dark; I'm positive the existence of the painting could have some bigger impact in the story beyond the byler subplot. Would really love to read you thoughts!

Oooo good question!

So, obviously Will missed Mike a lot and probably thought about him every day. At the same time, it was probably easier for him to love Mike from a distance but incredibly painful at times too. When I say easier, I mean that because he’s scared. There’s a lot of guilt and shame bottled up inside of him that he hasn’t worked through yet. Not just from his sexuality, but from his childhood. You know the saying “you accept the love you think you deserve”, and Will doesn’t think he deserves Mike’s love. Mike’s love alone won’t cure that, but Will’s love for himself will. I also think that we aren’t given Mike’s PoV partly because he likely has been initiating and reaching out to Will more than vice versa… we see what Will chooses to see, and that is his “unrequited” love for Mike. Will thinks all he deserves is to love Mike from a distance.

Because of the way the show is constructed, I tend to take clues from the symbolism as well. Will hasn’t been answering the phone. Sure Joyce has that telemarketing job, but that’s just a surface level explanation. Will has ignored Mike’s calls prior to that in ST2. Mike has been trying to reach out, but Will doesn’t answer. He’s afraid. It’s scary to be vulnerable like that.

When it comes to someone with an insecure attachment, connecting romantically can be complicated. The highs can be very high and the lows very low… any feeling of rejection can be devastating. I mean this because it triggers memories of the reason for the insecure attachment in the first place… the problematic parental relationships. In Will’s case, a father who not only rejected him constantly, attempted to shut him out, but also deeply betrayed him by stealing his innocence. Those wounds cut deep. Our relationship with our parents truly shape us and how we view the world.

So basically, Will is desperate for Mike’s love but scared of it at the same time. That’s why he doesn’t pick up the phone, or answer it. He’s stuck with such complicated feelings, not knowing how to express them.

Remember how we are told that Will prefers to draw as a way to communicate? He does just that. He decides to create an artwork for Mike, the best painting he’s ever done.

He works tirelessly, imagining Mike’s possible reactions. He likely decides whether or not to be so bold to paint a heart on Mike’s shield. Will he understand what I’m trying to say here?

I know many people think of the painting as simply an intended platonic gesture, an early birthday gift or an olive branch… but one specific fact makes me think otherwise. That fact is:

Will frequently communicates in code.

It’s hard for him to express himself explicitly, so he does so implicitly… subtly. He doesn’t want Mike to understand, but he also desperately hopes Mike figures it out. This is an important aspect of his character. Just like Stranger Things itself, Will shows and doesn’t tell. So yes, he wanted the painting to appear like a friendly gesture but he wanted the deeper meaning present there too for Mike to uncover.

This leads back Will’s first line directly spoken to Mike:

It is, and always has been, a code. That’s why Mike is confused. Will “didn’t say it” and hopes Mike understands so he “didn’t have to” say it.

Also, you’re absolutely right. The painting is about more than just Byler. It’s about conquering the demons of past, present and future. But this post is pretty long so I won’t go into that here.

[from-the-coffee-shop-in-edoras]

On the desecration of Háma…

I’ve been thinking a lot about Háma lately (though when am I not?) and his death. Content warning for violence!

Háma is a unique and singular individual in many respects, and none more so than in the manner of his death and its immediate aftermath.

There are untold numbers of casualties at Helm’s Deep, but only ONE — Háma — where we are told that the person was not just killed but that their dead body was then literally chopped into pieces. Even beyond Helm’s Deep, the gruesome cruelty with which Háma was treated seems to largely stand alone, at least within LOTR (the Silm is a much bloodier and more grisly work overall, and Háma’s death fits much more neatly alongside Fingon or Gelmir than Boromir or Théoden). Other characters are killed, obviously, or nearly so. But their deaths seem to be less ruthlessly excessive. Beyond very vague “rumour,” we don’t really see specific people being wantonly dismembered and their bodies subjected to intentional, gratuitous violence far in excess of what was needed to achieve their death. We don’t see enemies taking time mid-battle just to mutilate and disrespect the corpse of a fallen foe. But we’re explicitly told that’s what happens to Háma.

The only situation I can think of that’s even remotely comparable is the men of Minas Tirith who were decapitated so that their heads could be volleyed back into the city.* But that’s not a wholly analogous situation. That was an indiscriminate act, applied to every man who fell in that battle, and presumably carried out after the fighting was over so that the heads could later be used for a clear strategic purpose: to fill the surviving Gondorians with fear and despair. Háma, by contrast, seems to have been singled out for unique and especially vicious treatment while the battle was still ongoing and without any offered explanation.

I’ve thought a lot about why this happened to him, and ultimately it doesn’t really matter. There are any number of possible in-universe explanations: to horrify the Rohirrim and destroy their morale; to stick it to Théoden by targeting someone he was especially fond of; to “punish” Háma for having drawn the particular ire of the orcs somehow in the midst of the fighting; just a random and meaningless display of general contempt. There’s no definitive answer given, and, really, they’re all equally objectionable as rationales. There’s a reason that desecration of corpses has been considered a war crime since antiquity and is still categorized as such even today. It’s the ultimate denial of a person’s humanity, individuality (since it can make it impossible to identify them), and dignity. It prevents that person’s loved ones from being able to undertake the usual rituals of mourning and, thus, it denies them the chance to start healing. It’s a breach of norms that can never be redressed.

What’s probably the most relevant explanation is actually the meta one. Whatever motive the orcs had, Tolkien’s motivation was to show us exactly how debased, ruthless and vicious they were. For them to stoop so low was a significant upping of the dramatic stakes, and for it to have maximum narrative impact, it couldn’t just happen to some nameless background character. It had to be someone we know and, more than that, someone we are specifically supposed to like. Háma fills this role perfectly, as he is fundamentally decent and good — literally *everything* he does in the story is just and wise and kind — without being such a central character that readers would fully rebel against him ending up with this fate. (Tolkien clearly did not write this with Háma stans like me in mind!)

Setting aside cause, the effects of Háma’s sacrifice are certainly wide reaching. We don’t ever find out how his family took this news or what it meant to them to try to live with that knowledge, but we see how it hit Théoden. Of everyone who died at Helm’s Deep, Háma is the one that Théoden mourns by name. He casts the first earth on Háma’s grave, which is separated from all the other fallen Rohirrim who are buried together. Théoden repeatedly cites what happened to Háma as one of the biggest wrongs committed by Saruman against him and against Rohan at large. He even lists it above the death of his own son, which I can’t fully account for except to say that Théodred died a more typical battle death that was no less tragic but not as shocking.

If Saruman had *any* hope of convincing Théoden to go easy on him in the aftermath of Helm’s Deep — which he tried to do quite strenuously when our heroes visit Isengard at the battle’s end — that hope died when the first gratuitous blow struck Háma’s dead body. Far from cowing Théoden into submission and sending him in search of any way to head off more such brutality, the desecration of Háma hardens Théoden’s will. He may be “a lesser son of great sires,” but he is not someone who will excuse or accept that offense. And he’ll go to his own grave helping to ensure that anyone who would is denied the chance.

No one else can suffer Háma’s fate. There can be only one Háma. There was only one Háma. He was singular, and he was perfect.

*There is also, in a footnote of UT, the suggestion that Grimbold put the heads of the axemen who killed Théodred onto stakes where they fell. But that’s a) a footnote in unpublished material and so not of the same textual weight as a story that was explicitly included in LOTR itself; b) very vaguely worded (“it is told”) so who knows if it’s even true; and c) unclear as to whether those axemen lost their heads in the battle and they were then displayed as such, or if their heads were taken after just for that purpose. No matter how you choose to read it, though, it wasn’t the same scenario as Háma!

[catsandgoodbooks]

I’m sorry, I just have to talk about c!Techno and c!Punz because I can’t stop thinking about them. Please let me talk about c!Techno and c!Punz. They literally interact once, with the Butcher Army/attempted execution fiasco, and they don’t even talk then. They are almost completely unrelated. There’s no reason to think (or talk) about the two of them and their relationships with each other, at least not based on what is explicitly stated in canon.

But they’re surprisingly similar, and the way other people see them mirror each other. They are both extremely loyal and are deeply involved with c!Dream and are seen as weapons, tools that can be bought and used without any regard for their opinions on the matter. But the way their loyalty is expressed is different, and their relationships with c!Dream are different, and the way they react to be dehumanized are different, and I want to talk about that a little bit because I just can’t stop thinking about them please help.

c!Techno doesn’t like c!Punz. He doesn’t like the fact that they’re complicit in just about everything (including multiple governments and completely unrelated public executions) and the goodwill they got from saving him from the Butcher Army didn’t last very long, especially because he knows they only got involved because c!Dream told them to/paid them to. His opinion of them only further sours after the Eggpire, because, even if they weren’t there for the Red Banquet, they were still working with the Egg. In AUs where c!Punz ends up helping c!Techno (especially if c!Dream is involved), Techno does not trust them one bit and suspects they’re just playing the long con so they can sell him and Dream and the Syndicate out. In versions where Punz tells Techno everything, including the Staged Finale, he thinks they were stupid for not saying no, you can’t do that, to Dream. 

So c!Techno doesn’t like, or trust, c!Punz. But it’s more than just that. c!Techno sees c!Punz as the opposite of him, the person he would hate to be and the person he fears he is, the person who everyone treats him as and expects him to be. A tool, a weapon, something you can buy with some coins or a sob story and point in the direction of your enemies. c!Techno fights so hard against the dehumanization that he faces, reinstates over and over again that he’s a person, not just The Blade; c!Punz accepts that conception of them, leans into it, because it keeps them safe and stops people from asking questions and provides plausible deniability. But, for c!Techno, c!Punz is exactly what their facade is, and that means c!Punz is exactly what he refuses to become.

c!Techno doesn’t like thinking about c!Punz.

c!Punz doesn’t like c!Techno. They don’t like the way that c!Techno broke c!Dream out of prison just to take away his armor and abandon him; they don’t like the fact that he broke c!Dream out so late. They’re tightly strung and hold grudges and need someone to blame so they can distract themself from what the hell is going on, what the fuck was happening in that prison, especially because they don’t know who they can blame for this but Sam and themself and everyone who let them happen. c!Techno’s a better target for their wrath because he’s safely out of reach and c!Punz knows they could never act on it. Just bottle up your anger and stick to the plan.

But it’s not just that they hate him either. c!Punz hates c!Techno, sure, but they’re also jealous of him. c!Techno can be angry and get upset and let other people know about it. c!Techno can get revenge. c!Techno can protect the people he loves. c!Techno can assert his humanity. And c!Punz can’t do any of those things, or, at least, they’re not allowed to.

c!Dream thought that c!Techno was powerful enough to be openly aligned with. c!Dream thought c!Techno was powerful and dangerous enough that he would let him break him out of Pandora’s, banked on c!Techno getting him out, and c!Dream would never let c!Punz do anything like that. c!Dream calls c!Techno a friend despite everything he’s gone through and struggles so much to do the same to c!Punz.

(Deep down, c!Punz almost wishes they were c!Techno)

[spotlightlowlife]

The Cuphead show could teach Hazbin a helluva lot

First of all, I implore anyone who hasn't watched cuphead or didn't finish it to complete it. It is a complete story and it complements its origin, the game, only stepping away a little to expand on it.

Hazbin, watch the pilot if you haven't or rewatch it, a number of things fall off bytime the series comes about. New isn't bad but the pilot was so loaded and it's rather apparent that it is part of the cannon in how we start off as if we already know these characters. So what we can bring forward and what is no longer cannon? Has there been a time skip?

*spoilers ahead*

The story

A simple story of two humble individuals constantly having to swerve the devils attempts to take a soul he swindled fair and square.

They have many run ins and we meet numberours other comical yet sinister opponents along the way.

Sweet rich girl uses her powers for good. She aims to help the disadvantaged and targeted sinner group by opening a hotel to rehabilitate and redeem them to be heaven worthy.

Charlie has allies but plenty of others don't care for her plans and motives are generally unclear.

The main characters

Cuphead and Mugman, two brothers of ambiguous age who live modestly with an elder in a cottage in he woods. They simply get on with their lives, no goal.

Cup head is immature and foolish, his antics generally land them in danger, Mugman is the more sensible but still chill, not quite babysitter sidekick, someone who could be living trouble free if they weren't dragged into the others havoc, simple association brings unwanted situations and people their way, even when chilling at home.

We are also introduced to the devil himself, who is silly, fun and clearly a whole otherworldly entity in not only abilities but personality and actions. As amusing as his actions are, he does cruel things to people minding their business and enjoys it, he openly exploited his oblivious patrons at the amusement park, before going on to expand business and create the known casino. He has a workforce who we see working. The devil collects souls, a consequence of this is that it makes monsters out of mortals, this is a business, however this business is regulated and dispite how powerful the devil is, he still has to answer to accounts. He can be subdued with magic but ultimately, hell and earth are his playground and aside from the auditor, he answers to no peers or superiors and feels no bitterness or discomfort regarding his home and role, his struggle is simply that one that got away and keeps eluding him. His backstory being irrelevant fits with the quick pace and slapstick, however the latest addition to the game may hint at some mysterious backstory in his bonus boss fight.

Charlie, a youthful woman of ambiguous is the princess of hell and owner of the Hazbin hotel. We don't see much running of a hotel. Charlie is nice, default nice because plot tells us she's helping and cares and she clearly isn't horrible. Charlie wants to help sinners.

First portrayed as hardworking but ill prepared, out of touch hustler, Charlie is now well intentioned, immature dreamer but this doesn't result in trouble, her carelessness doesn't get portrayed as selfish or irritating. Charlie personally has little to lose in her discision making, such as welcoming Alastor, Charlie can have what she wants because everything is set up for her and what she doesn't have is easily in reach, the meeting in heaven attained by guilt tripping her dad being a prime example, but she's not a spoilt brat.

Charlie's other half is Vaggie, her girlfriend who we have to be explicitly told is so if you don't follow the fandom, they have known eachother for years yet Charlie hardly knows Vaggie. Vaggie's degree of interest in Charlie's dreams is unknown, even after her big revelation we still have nothing to show that she's not just the sensible sidekick managing the lead characters silliness.

Not a main but someone very significant, Lucifer, the devil himself and Charlie's dad. He is all powerful, the leader of hell and the one who created this realm, however he is a goofy awkward dad who doesn't appear to be any leader and he hates to the degree of allowing mass slaughter the very people Charlie loves. None of this is an issue. He clearly has or had peers or superiors, he still meets with the angels who serve as the adversaries, with no issue, but this doesn't matter.

The tragic characters

Ms Chalace had it thought throughout life yet tried had to work her way up, she died unexpectedly, nobody cared, she got a second chance to be amongst the living but it comes at a price. Chalice is a charming hustler and entertainer.

In Hazbin, it's everyone, everyone is given trauma, even privileged Charlie who could have been a great spoilt sweet character now didn't have the nice nuclear family upbringing, supportive mother who has a life and supportive yet sceptical dad whose not getting in her way.

Everyone has some history that rendered them a loser in this story however we have yet to learn how anyone got there even though fun, interesting, passing, dismissed Mimzy remembers her life on earth fondly.

The other characters

There is plenty of room to return to this series and feature more characters, but it's no big deal if they don't. This story proudly offers us Saturday villians, only we get to know these charasmatic characters and their villainous motives individually throughout Cuphead and Mugman's misadventures.

This series is fun and life hearted, made for all audiences, there's a lack of real drama yet it manages to not be shallow as we have focus and interactions matter, it is ultimately about Cuphead and the devil, the masses of colour characters we may meet along the way are a fun bonus to and the formula doesn't change, this person brings drama, that's that, now how do they get out of it.

Timing is arguably a major issue with Hazbin, with a big ensemble cast, drama and various plots, it will need a lot of time to cover all that it started, these things being numerous additions to the original story, most of these additions being a whole host of new characters who ultimately don't achieve anything not for lack of trying.

Like its spinoff, this series is big on aquitting those who are there to be liked of their responsibilities and actions, handing blame to someone don't know or have been guided to not like. This strips them of content and growth while makeing their power and influence questionable.

Planning ahead

Rumor has it that The Cuphead show was a complete work of 36 episoses that and broke up into 3 seasons by the big famous platform it's on, to be honest it shows, it is very linear.

Really though, this serves the broadcaster because would keep it in the algorithm longer giving it more time to gain more traction which means more money for the broadcaster and make it look like they're good at renewing projects when this may not entirely be the case.

Releasing the story broken up may have done this show a big disservice as many disappointed reviews were based on how much it deviated from the games and seeming censored, these may not have been concluded had all episodes been released, showing it being to return to its roots by the end.

Still, atleast the story was always going to be told.

As controversial as that situation is, Hazbin too could do with mapping out the beginning, middle and end with a clear and concise story, one with heart that answers questions, balances it's drama, action and comedy and shines some spotlight onto the stories that really need telling. They could do with this already being done or at the very least wrapping up seasons with what we were sold on being relevant.

Planning is well and good but ideas need to be prioritized and coherent. If multiple seasons are planned, this show will need to crack down in order to guarantee them.

[autisticlee]

I have this problem where my brain thinks if someone is nice to me enough times and I put in enough effort, that means we are friends and I can talk to them in a friendly way, like joking around, asking questions to get to know them more, offering things friends would, etc, but then I always get severely disappointed when they don't reciprocate or have a bad reaction to it. it always punches me in the gut and is so upsetting and disheartening. I could try for many months to be friends, thinking it's mutual, and think we reached that point, but then they tear it all down with one sentence.

it always feels so bad to know I have to walk on a thin rope while interacting with people because I am incapable of reading their intentions and feelings. I never know how someone feels about me or how they see me. I never know where I stand with them.

people don't make it a habit to let you know they consider you a friend, and they always find it weird and inappropriate when you ask them. if you can't read people like me, you're stuck always wondering, always guessing, always incorrect. you can accidentally offend someome who considered you friends for years because they never explicitly told you until you make the wrong comment. or you can creep someome out by acting too friendly after months or even years of assuming you were good friends.

when you always have to walk on eggshells, never knowing the truths, never being able to read people, not being able to ask, and never getting answers you need.....it just leads to living life as if you are alone in a fish bowl, watching everyone around you, but never quite able to reach them through the glass....it's never fun to constantly be knocking on that glass, waiting for the eventual break that will shatter your world into pieces and cut you deep. even if it's just a crack, you have to spend a lot of time repairing it, alone.

they say you don't have to worry about these things if you find the right fish to swim with. find the "the right people." they say it's easy and you walk on solid, safe ground, rather than tread endlessly in the water until you sink and drown... "there's plenty of fish in the sea" perhaps. but what if you're the only fish in the bowl? what if you can't taste the salty sea? what if all you can do is watch through the glass as everyone passes you by with barely a glance? what if you dont find your school to swim with? how do you accept and prepare for that? in a world of possibilities, that is always a possible outcome. it's natural to fear or ponder such an outcome. no one wants to admit that it can happen. and no one seems to have the answers for how to swim on alone in that bowl, always yearning to swim with other fish in the sea.....how does a fish be content in a small bowl alone, even if the sea is more than just a dream?