#i think you all have a specific idea of chronically ill people in your mind that fits a weird narrative you’ve come up with

[crystallized-crow]

you people are so weird about disabled people

[astracora]

Hi! Idk if u take writing/drabble requests but I'm chronically ill and have wondered how the LaDS boys would treat a chronically ill MC. Thank u for reading!

Hey! I've never taken writing requests (primarily cause I have no idea if I could do them justice or offer what people are after). As a chronically ill person myself, and as someone who writes their main mc as chronically ill, I'm a little bias, in that I personally think the boys would treat their partner with understanding, love and affection regardless of who that person is or what they're dealing with!

For basic pov overviews though! (All chronic illnesses represent differently! I'm working mostly off personal experience without being TOO specific.)

- Zayne is probably the most initially knowledgeable about the nature of chronic illness. He'll have seen plenty of people struggling and managing their own around his job. He's also shown to research topics that are important to him. There's very little doubt in my mind that the man would pull up every medical document and every study done, working late into the night in his free time to make sure he has a specific understanding for what you'd be going through.

- He's also probably the one who pushes more to make sure things get done. Medical appointments, any medication that's required. He's harsher on things that can harm you, cause a flare-up or increase the strain on your body. He cares and he worries, and he just wants to help alleviate what he can.

- It can be frustrating and overwhelming, he's not perfect, no one can be when it comes to offering support, especially for things that have no cure. If you explain to him how it makes you feel, he walks back and tries to find alternatives. Softens his approach somewhat. He's a logical man so he'll always jump to trying to give a solution, but he cares so deeply, if you say you just need an ear. He'll be there.

- Raffy is interesting because his reactions to his lemurian biology make my brain go 'oh he probably gets it' but instinctually. That sometimes things hurt more, sometimes days are just harder, sometimes it takes more energy and willpower to exist than expected. Thinking about his recent card especially, and the way his health dipped in and out. The way it was obvious he's weaker and gets sick without moisture or water. It's a different reasoning, but he understands to some degree.

- He's the king of creative solutions and the one most likely to focus on trying to inject joy and laughter into your life. He's also a man who doesn't care about money, canonically this boy is the 'what does it cost 10 dollars'. So whatever you might need, he's bought before you've even thought about it. (Even if he does tend to buy those really useless trend items that absolutely don't help with your condition and they're just a scam... so so many out there.) He may not have the best ways to help, but he'll never ever treat you differently. Love in his eyes, a masterpiece in his heart. Raffy will absolutely never stop wanting to paint you no matter what.

- His words can be harsh, he might say something that hurts without meaning too, a joke that doesn't land, or a tone that itches more than you'd like. Somedays you aren't bothered, somedays it hurts. He'll always give a heartfelt apology, and adjust the way he acts so it doesn't happen again. I can imagine him making a mood tracker, how are you feeling today? Move the smilie face if you know.

- Xavier is the one who sits you down and wants to talk about it most. Not because he won't do his own research, he's happy to, but he needs to know how you feel above all else. He needs to know how to support you, especially out in the field. He's your combat and mission partner. He's also incredibly observant. He'll notice when a flare up starts. He'll notice if your mood is dropping. He'll notice when you're starting to feel like you're drowning. He's also nearby, at all times. He checks in on you constantly. Through messages or just dropping in. (He promises the food he brings is takeout and not a remnant of a burned down kitchen.)

- Do you want someone to keep you company at night so it's less lonely? Do you want him to stay around and help ease aches and pains. He and Zayne especially know good massage techniques. Xavier because fighting can destroy your body without good upkeep. He'll go out and grab things for you. He'll assist you happily. He totally didn't buy more cleaning robots so you can worry less about the stuff around your house when you can barely leave your bed.

- He's wary on the battlefield, probably initially treating you like glass. It's because he worries and he cares. He doesn't want anything to happen to you. Sometimes that bothers you though. You live with this, you have for years, and you know how to live with it. He's protective by nature, but he also trusts you to tell him when you've hit your limit. While he's always ready to step in, it has to be by absolutely necessity or your permission.

- Sylus is a researcher too, but unlike Zayne, he has no basis to work off. As evidenced by his stories and texts, however, he will learn ANY skill in order to help the MC, or make his own life easier to control. This is no different, I think the only difference would be, his first instinct is not to go to medical documents and studies. He goes to people. Finds leading experts, no matter the cost, learns from others with conditions similar or as close to yours as he can. He wants to be able to have a proper conversation with you about your chronic illness, so feels like he has to have a good basis of understanding before he starts. He wants to be able to ask important questions, to piece together context. To sit you down and give you OPTIONS. Because sometimes it's really hard to know what you need, and sometimes someone telling you what they can offer is better to give you somewhere to start.

- He's also another 'throw money at it' kind of person, but he will buy you the kind of equipment to help that hospitals use. This man buys top range shit, that he KNOWS will have some effect on lessoning your strain or alleviating some degree of pain. Is there a tool the doctor suggested that you think could help? He bought it yesterday, he got five, he doesn't want to leave them in his other bases incase something happens but he's willing to have Luke and Kieran bring them to you wherever you are. Will set up grocery shop orders for you, doesn't care how much it is, does it make your life easier? Alright, it's done. While admittedly he leans a lot on money to help, it's the best way he knows to help.

- Probably struggles initially with his job, with the stress of his general life, his degree of injuries and how stress and strain can directly impact a chronic illness. It probably causes him to pull away a little bit. He cares a lot, and because of that he worries he'll be a hindrance more than a help. Would be the type of person to try to help from afar, forgetting how deeply important it is to have a support system that's available and physical to help. While he'll try to keep the worst away from you (I don't want to give you anymore nightmares of me), he'll listen and stop pulling away when he realises that him being there means everything. So becomes far more physically present as well, though the amount of money he wants to spend on you probably does not go down.

Fundamentally though, the boys are all people who even with their flaws, would listen and learn and attempt to be as supportive as they possibly can be. Days are hard, and life can be tough, and chronic illness is exhausting to combat. It could never make them love you any less, they're in to the long haul. They just might occasionally need a little nudge to really understand what you want from them.

Every last one would understand things like cancellations because of bad days or mood swings and low moods, would be willing to do your grocery shops, would go to doctors appointments with you, assist with physical therapy if needed, so this is less about how they'd treat you, and more the methods they go about it.

I hope that was kind of what you were after! 💖

[creature-wizard]

Some things associated with New Age that aren't inherently bad

Since this blog can get kinda heavy sometimes, and because there's some people out there who think that anything remotely adjacent to New Age is evil and must be banished forever, I figured I'd write something on elements it includes that aren't necessarily bad.

Its general concept of God and divinity

New Age beliefs typically posit that God, or Source, effectively split itself into many different souls in order to have different kinds of experiences. There's nothing wrong with this model of divinity in itself, since it doesn't by itself imply anything hateful or suggest any kind of action that might lead to harm. Where it gets messed up is when people start claiming that if you're suffering, it's because you deliberately chose to have this kind of experience before you incarnated. That's just victim blaming, and it's wrong.

Energy healing

Energy healing on its own is a harmless practice, and many people do report feeling better for doing it. Dismissing energy healing as inherently bad in itself would be like dismissing prayer for recovery as inherently bad. It's really not. The problem is always when people start believing they should only rely on energy healing or prayer, or fall into the belief that pharmaceutical medicine is sinful or an evil conspiracy.

Listening to relaxing tones

No, those "healing frequencies" probably won't cure any serious ailments. But that doesn't mean they can't make you feel more relaxed or help you focus. You don't have to subscribe to any specific belief system to listen to these audios.

Glossolalia

The New Age practice of speaking in light languages is a form of glossolalia, which basically involves relaxing and speaking whatever sounds immediately come to you. Doing it can be cathartic and relaxing, and you don't need to subscribe to any specific belief system to do it.

Tarot reading

Reading tarot cards doesn't require subscribing to any specific spiritual belief system. Nor do you even need to be spiritual at all; you can read tarot cards with the perspective that what you're doing is prompting your own mind to consider things from new angles.

Meditation

Meditation is known to have beneficial effects, and doing it doesn't require subscribing to any particular belief system. Yes, it's a problem when somebody subscribes meditation as a cure-all, or use it as a form of spiritual bypassing, but that's a problem with the teacher, not the practice itself.

Eating more plant foods

Provided you don't have any allergies or intolerances, eating more fruits, vegetables, nuts, and the like usually isn't a bad idea. The problem with New Age is when it effectively moralizes food by decreeing certain foods "high vibrational" or "low vibrational," or when it's pushing conspiracy theories about modern processed food items being intentionally poisoned to block our psychic abilities or keep us dependent on the healthcare system. And obviously, it's appallingly ableist to tell someone that they could cure a chronic illness by switching to an all-natural vegan diet or something.

Belief in aliens

It's a big universe, and it's not unreasonable to think we're not alone in it, and that maybe there's beings who are observing us. The problem is when belief in aliens becomes part of a conspiratorial worldview that scapegoats certain groups of people for the world's problems, displaces real history, and misuses other people's traditions and beliefs.

Belief that things can and will get better

To paraphrase Terry Pratchett's words in The Hogfather, we sometimes need to believe in things that aren't true (such as justice and mercy) so they can become true. Believing that things can change makes people feel like their efforts are worth something. Meanwhile, when everyone's got a doomer attitude nothing will change for the better because nobody will even try.

One problem with New Age's optimism in specific is that they tend to believe that things getting better is contingent on converting a large number of people to New Age spirituality, which includes getting them to accept a large number of conspiratorial beliefs that target and harm vulnerable minorities, and/or distort and erase the actual spiritual beliefs of people from different cultures (many of whom are marginalized minorities and/or have been severely harmed by colonialism already).

Another problem is when you get the whole 5D ascension thing going on. 5D ascension is basically the New Age version of the Rapture, and just like the Rapture, it's always said to be right around the corner, but it never materializes. (If you'd like examples, here are predictions for 2012 and 2015.) Very concerningly, New Agers often list a number of physical and mental health symptoms as "ascension symptoms." They were claiming this as far back as the 2010s, when December 31, 2012 was supposed to be the big day. (Here's an example.)

Basically, hope and belief that things can get better is important - but it's also important not to hang our hopes (and medical decisions) on supernatural predictions that have already failed multiple times.

Wanting to promote compassion and understanding between people

This is a great thing to want! The problem with New Age isn't that they want to spread peace and harmony, but rather the way they want to do it without really listening to the people they supposedly want to help. You can't, for example, genuinely fight colonialism if you're engaging in cultural appropriation and misrepresenting their spiritual traditions - you're an active part of the problem. Promoting compassion and understanding begins with you shutting up, listening, and learning without imposing your own preconceptions or reacting from your ego. You're not doing this if you're looking for mythology to project aliens onto, or dismissing anything you don't want to hear as a conspiracy.

And here's some critical thinking tips before you go

When you're evaluating any belief system or practice, it's always important to remember that belief and practice are not the same thing. Most of the time the practices are harmless in and of themselves; the actual danger comes from the conspiratorial and morally polarized worldviews many practitioners also subscribe to. Nobody's ever died from putting rose quartz in their room or getting a reiki session. They have died from refusing evidence-based medical care because someone convinced them that the health care industry is a scam and will also separate them from Source.

When it comes to beliefs themselves, ask yourself what kind of narratives they're upholding. If they basically promote the same kind of conspiratorial narratives used by Nazis, witch hunters, or far right Christians to justify their hatred and violence, that's a pretty strong sign that this belief is bullshit. But of course, there's a pretty stark difference between believing that aliens could be out there, and believing blood-drinking reptiles have invaded the Earth.

[batsplat]

hello i saw in your tags that you don't think people on here get casey stoner and as someone relatively new into the sport i would love to hear your thoughts <3

(context here) okay first of all, this post will be framed as ‘things I wish people talked about more with regards to casey stoner’, rather than arguing against what I think people think

I've tried to come up with a concise response to this ask but kept heading into thesis-length territory. so I decided to write a bullet point list and it’s still… yeah… but well it could be worse. if you, dear anon, wish to read thousands of words of casey stoner lore then please let me know. otherwise, here are just a few things I find interesting about this bloke:

casey has a very complex relationship with the concept of confidence, both in other riders and himself, in the sense that he KNOWS how important it is but also believes/wishes that he specifically is kinda above all that

this feeds into how he wishes that racing were Just Racing and not all this other stuff… not his brain not his body not other racers being assholes on/off track not talking to journalists or doing photoshoots not having to deal with politics etc etc - central underlying tension of his career

he has openly spoken about not ever really enjoying race day, saying the only thing he's missed after retiring is qualifying. very perfectionist, the anxiety, the over-thinking, craving control… all key casey traits

(which also ties in with the valentino rivalry, because valentino obviously adores racing (in particular wheel-to-wheel battle) but he’s also great at all that other off-track stuff)

some very rigid ideas of How The Sport Should Look, which you can see in everything from how he talks about racing standards to the introduction of CRT riders (he had it OUT for them, head hot every time aleix espargaro shows up in parc fermé) to valentino’s influence on ducati and the importance of the colour red

let him have his mean streak! the grim satisfaction in discussing jorge’s 2008 injuries after his early-season arrogance towards casey, the dismissiveness towards dani, some of the wilder valentino remarks (this isn’t a criticism to be clear, alien-on-alien violence is part of the natural order of things)

casey is a classic case of ‘just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t after you’. definitely a suspicious guy and perpetual underdog 'me against the world' mindset. not to get too psychoanalytic-y, but I reckon this was partly born out of how he had to leave australia as a teenager (with his family completely dependent on him succeeding) because of how the racing establishment down under fucked him over

they definitely were out to get him a lot of the time, cf yamaha and then ducati drama plus the slander from some of the greats of the sport, fellow riders, the media etc etc (particularly egregious in 2009 when he was dealing with his mystery illness and a lot of people said some pretty unpleasant stuff in his absence - here is just one example)

his struggles were constantly downplayed. the chronic fatigue misdiagnosed as lactose intolerance led to people calling him weak-minded, broken, running away from the sport (part of why he was so allergic to the idea his results might in any way be connected to what was going on in his head). add in the undiagnosed anxiety and you have all this invisible strife people wouldn't even take seriously

that being said, he definitely did have a propensity for jumping to the worst possible conclusions

two specific examples: firstly from his autobiography, where he makes the claim that valentino may have been sabotaged in the 2006 title decider and was deliberately given a rubbish tyre to make him lose the championship - to which casey’s response was: “welcome to my world, mate”. he does have a tendency to believe he’s being sabotaged, and is constantly on the look out for conspiracies even when they are… unlikely

the other example is mat oxley talking about his issues with casey in his stint working for ducati, partly based on a misunderstanding:

something allegedly written about him in 2001!

let’s just say he can definitely hold a grudge

the moaner stoner stuff was definitely nasty, calling him mopey and whiny and all of that, but he also has never shied away from some good old-fashioned complaining (some of this was a bit of a spiral - complaining for good reason worsening public perception of him leading to more reasons to complain)

see also the lingering marc grudge, who probably did play a significant part in getting casey kicked out of honda (as casey has accused him of). whether marquez prevented stoner from racing in 2015 is more of an open question. casey still speaks about how honda made a mistake by only listening to marc (which, again, does have some truth to it)

casey was always very quick to shut down the idea that momentum, motivation, confidence etc could affect his results (unlike that of his competitors) because he argues he was always very rational & clear-sighted about when things were his fault & when things could be blamed on the bike + extraneous factors. he really goes into detail about this when discussing 2008 laguna seca in his autobiography, which he argues had no effect on him psychologically (but was followed by him crashing out of the lead of the next two races)

has definitely spoken more about his rivalry with valentino than valentino has, which probably has also helped shape perception of it over time

on ‘ambition outweighed talent’ - I feel like people almost understate just what a (hilariously) out of pocket remark it was in context. it was rossi’s second ever race at ducati (and the start of his season was impacted by his shoulder issues) - and the rain meant he had a ~win it or bin it~ approach because he knew it was as good a chance as he might get for some time (despite starting from 12th). the move on stoner for second place was at best optimistic, most definitely impatient and at worst foolish - but sort of understandable in that situation, rossi was definitely rapid, and this stuff can happen in the wet. in that sense, it was obviously more a reaction to the manner of the apology (and his frustration with the stewards) than to what casey himself described as a racing incident

stoner made a remark in his autobiography about how rossi had stolen 25 points in a title battle he was never going to be a part of (oof). whether you're obligated to race title contenders differently is already a bit sketch but certainly should not be a consideration for anybody in round TWO

he was forced to publicly retract the remarks, though he doubled down on them to a deeply funny extent in his autobiography by suggesting they were true of valentino’s entire career and that he’d just benefited from a weak era. rossi mostly took it on the chin especially when interviewed about it for documentaries, probably because with something like that you do just need to take the L

it's understandable how it’s become such a defining image of their rivalry (along with laguna seca), not least because of how evocative the whole thing is - rossi showing up still wearing his helmet, trying to make a PR apology stick while he’s been eating nauseating amounts of humble pie at ducati; stoner casual as you like, pissed off about the points loss while still indulging in schadenfreude about how the Great Big Ducati Adventure is working out for rossi

but again, I think it’s funnier because of just HOW over the top an insult it was in that situation (and more broadly how it does have a different vibe to their interactions when they were meaningfully competing, aka 2007-2008)

in conclusion: casey has his doubts and his insecurities and his obsessions and his foibles… a complicated guy in his own right

and a big thing I’d like to stress here is that the rivalry with valentino does benefit from treating them both as somewhat unreliable narrators

I just think he's neat

[ammonite-collective]

Autism terminology

Person with autism vs autistic person

I know that professionals dealing with disabled populations are taught directly to use person first-language regardless of what the person they’re working with prefers. Person first language is the idea of stating that the person with a disability is a PERSON and their disability is secondary.

I have seen a significant portion of the autistic community, including myself, preferring identity first terminology. My reasoning is that my autism cannot be separated from me to be to end up with the same person. My autism is very much a part of me and it shapes my experiences so I would not be who I am now without my autism. That’s not a good or bad thing. It is simply a neutral fact.

Person first language also includes using “person with a disability” as opposed to “disabled person.” The idea seems to be that the disability doesn’t define a person but a lot of the time it does and it’s important to say that. I am also physically disabled and chronically ill and being disabled has impacted my life so immensely. It is a daily occurrence that I go through. In addition, disabled is not a dirty word. It is okay to say that a disabled person is disabled. They aren’t “differently abled.” I don’t have special abilities, I literally just can’t do some things.

Honestly, I think it’s probably the best idea to just ask someone how they prefer to be talked about and the words they use to describe themselves. Some people prefer person first language to describe them and that’s okay too. Please just talk to disabled people instead of just assuming or talking over us.

Nonspeaking/Nonverbal

I unfortunately see a lot of people using “going nonverbal” to describe intense overstimulation that causes a person not to be able to speak for a period of time. Based on interactions with nonverbal people, this trivializes their experiences. Being nonverbal is a permanent of not being able to talk at all or talking very very little. You cannot become nonverbal for an hour. Your experiences matter but you don’t need to take words from people who need them to describe their struggles and experiences. Nonverbal people have different support needs to speaking people. Like they may need/use an AAC device, use sign language. They also have different struggles. People tend to talk over nonverbal people as if they are not sentient human beings. Their communication attempts can be ignored and they often are put through intense and traumatic ABA therapy to force them to speak and act more “normal” rather than just listening to their other forms of communication.

Alternative terms to use:

• verbal shutdown- inability to speak due to overstimulation

• temporary speech loss episodes- self explanatory

• selective mutism- anxiety disorder where a person cannot speak in specific situations but can speak in others

Is autism a disability?

Short answer, yes.

For most autistic people, it is a disability but for some low support needs people, they don’t consider it to be for themselves. Both views are perfectly fine. However, if you deem it to not be a disability for yourself, please do not determine that for other people. If you were to do that, you’d be wrong. The presence of a disability is generally required in order to receive care that many autistic people require to live their daily life. There are also a significant portion of disabled people in general that cannot access accommodations or support regardless of need. If you do not need support to succeed, you are privileged. You are also not the majority and you need to keep other people with higher support needs in mind when you make blanket statements. Or better yet, don’t make blanket statements at all.

High/Low functioning labels

These are not accurate ways to describe autistic people. The correct terms would be high/low support needs. Functioning labels are harmful to low support needs folks because we are unable to access support we need and they’re harmful to high support needs folks because their thoughts are disregarded with the assumption they don’t have important insights and experiences.

Asperger’s/aspie

I do not support the use of aspie/Aspergers to describe even oneself. The reason being that Hans Asperger was a Nazi. The term was used to determine which autistic people got to live during the Holocaust. Usually, I’m all for people determining which words vibe best with them but this word reeks of supremacy. It’s the same concept as saying you’re “one of the good ones.” I don’t support acting like this in any community. We all have the same disorder and it’s not cool to separate yourself from those you view as lesser, even if that thought is subconscious.

ABA

Applied behavioral analysis therapy is a way that neurotypicals try to force their societal standards onto autistic people, mainly high support needs folks. It is generally regarded to be abusive because their whole philosophy is to “break” a person down and “rebuild” them again in the way the therapist wants them to act. If your thought process surrounding disabled people involves breaking them, you are not safe. Autistic people are whole people and the opinions of allistic (not autistic) people do not matter on that.

Autism Speaks and the puzzle piece/Light it up Blue

A lot of well meaning allistic people donate and support Autism Speaks. I understand the appeal if you are uneducated on the harm they have caused. Their overall goal is to cure autism. A lot of “autism moms” (mothers of autistic children that make their child’s autism their whole personality) say that they hate the autism but love their child. The autism cannot be separated from the autistic person. Autism is a neurotype. It influences the way autistic people interact with and perceive the world around them. An autistic person without their autism would have entirely different experiences and mannerisms. They would be an entirely different person. That’s why autistic activists fight against the search for a cure. My autism does cause immense difficulties in my life but I don’t want to be allistic. I would not be me as an allistic person. If there is a cure, I don’t want it. We should be spending resources helping autistic people in the moment and meeting them where they are instead of trying to change them. Searching for a cure when we are actively in need of support is disrespectful at the very least.

The puzzle piece is incredibly offensive to most autistic people. The whole idea behind it is that autistic people are not whole. That we need our “missing piece” to be whole human beings. That we are somehow lacking. I hope I don’t have to explain why that sucks.

Light it up blue isn’t exactly bad on its own but it comes with the whole of autism speaks. It also symbolizes that autism was a “boy’s disorder” for a very long time.

Awareness and Acceptance

While I believe that autism awareness is important, it can only do so much. Plus, most people already know about autism, and they’re terrified of it. Acceptance is so much more important. You may be aware of autism but unless you accept autistic people with open arms, you are not safe to us. You must accept us as we are and let us breathe in your presence.

Final thoughts and a call in

I am only one autistic person. I do not have all the insight of every autistic person. I tried my best to cover many of the things I believe are important but I definitely couldn’t cover everything. This already took me a week to research and write because I’m disabled and struggle with projects like this. If you have more to share, please reblog with your own experiences and stuff you wish people knew. If I got something wrong, tell me (kindly please). I hope we can work together to make the community and society as a whole safer and more welcoming!

[clementinegreye]

clementinegreye's masterlist and navigation station:

REQUESTS: OPEN!

you can make requests or simply come chat to me; here

💌 hotd:

🪩 aemond targaryen

the end of love || 1.1k

aemond cheating on his wife is not cool - but it can be poetic when he’s filled with regret.

adoration and resentment (coming soon - currently on Ao3 and going through a re-write!)

lover you should've come over (modern!aemond x brothers best friend reader. coming soon!)

💌 criminal minds:

🍋 aaron hotchner

the sweetest sin of all || 3.4k

the sweetest sin of all (part 2) || 2.6k

who'd have thought aaron hotchner was a man so consumed by longing (lightly inspiredin the midst of investigating a serial killer who chooses victims based on the seven deadly sins, aaron hotchner finds himself entangled in more than just the case (inspired by hozier's new song 'too sweet'):

🌷spencer reid

safer dreams || 2.3k

it's not easy to keep someone safe in your nightmares, something Spencer knows all too well.

false god || 1.2k

it's never a good idea to reminisce about a relationship, especially one that ended with betrayal left you with a permanent scar

some stuff about me and my writing below the line:

about me: hi! my name’s soph, im 23 and an aquarius.

some quick fire facts about me; i’m a cat person, i have a chronic illness, get anxious a lot and my favourite show is criminal minds (in case you couldn’t tell), im trying to get back into reading this year, i have an abnormal amount of jellycats (yes the soft toys) and i love fruit (all fruit)! 🍋‍🟩🍓🍒🍊

i’ve been writing since i was 15 and i’ve been posting my work for a few years now, albeit under different blogs and i post some of my stories on Ao3, which i’ll link below.

writing/requests notes and guidelines:

i currently only write for criminal minds and hotd. i’m happy to write angst, fluff, hurt/comfort etc. just be specific in the ask what you’d like and i can try accommodate it!

i use she/her pronouns and therefore feel comfortable writing from that perspective (or gender neutral). i’m hesitant to write male!reader as i don’t want to inaccurately portray something i have no experience with.

as a guideline i definitely won’t write anything containing rape, hardcore incest or child abuse, non-consensual sex or anything including minors or those underage. i am also hesitant to write really abusive situations.

i’ve never written smut but, i guess i could give it a go. if you’re request it and i don’t write it, i’m probably not comfortable with it. 🌷☁️🐚

my requests are OPEN and right now and i’ll write for any criminal minds/hotd character (i’ll give anything a try once lol) if you want to request something or even just come have a chat and get to know me better my inbox is always open!

i always appreciate feedback and comments, likes and reblog also! but if you just fancy reading something go ahead, there’s no pressure on this blog to interact, it’s always appreciated but i know how i sometimes interact with things on tumblr so i understand. 🌟

my works are only posted here on this blog and on Ao3, if you see them somewhere else please let me know. 🩷

note: i do not support AI or using AI to write, i’ve been practicing writing for many years and i think it’s a shame to use it and it feels like it undervalues the hard work people put in to writing. while AI might be a useful tool for some things my writing does NOT include it and my writing is my own. (i do use grammarly to check my spelling because i can be a silly goose and miss things because i edit all my fics myself but that’s it).

you can also find my work here on Ao3:

[rebornologist]

Greetings!

I was wondering if u could write some headcanons of gokudera (khr) with a chronically ill s/o (struggling with exhaustion, migraines and joint/bone pains)?

Absolutely understandable though if you don't feel comfortable writing this though.

Regardless I wish you a day as wonderful as your writing! :)

Hii anon! Thank you for this idea, I love talking about Gokudera.. I honestly don't know too much about these chronic illness symptoms, aside from my experience with some friends.. so these are not super specific, but here are my thoughts!

♡ Hayato Gokudera & a chronically ill s/o ✧

no warnings this time, yippee!

༚✧⁺˳₊˚‿︵‿︵‿୨୧ · ˳ · ♡ · ˳ · ୨୧‿︵‿︵‿˚₊˳⁺✧༚

Gokudera is our post-trauma stress-induced stomachache girlie, so he understands just a bit how hard it is to be hugely impacted by something that you cannot really control, but he’s fairly supportive of your management efforts and coping mechanisms.

He took a minute to be more mindful of his volume when his partner has a migraine, because he can be pretty loud, especially when he’s too excited about seeing them to check his volume. After he gets the hang of being quieter around his partner when they’re having migraines, he begins to expand that to anyone or anything else in the area. It’s a bit much.

He’s the type of person to enjoy lounging around with his s/o’s head in his lap, and him just silently reading a good book (his favourite creature feature of the time) until his partner feels a bit better. As he grew older, he learned to value quality time more as he got busier with more serious work stuff.

Physical touch is a big enough love language for him that he would be willing to help them massage whatever they need him to for comfort or easing the pain, though joint pain can be difficult to handle. His hands are calloused and rough, but he has a dedicated pocket where he quickly and quietly slips all his rings into, before stretching out his fingers and offering to apply pressure where it's needed.

He always offers help verbally or asks for his s/o’s confirmation before doing anything, even if it’s a routine thing that they do together, and even checking in to make sure that what he’s doing is helping at all. Some people would say that he should know what to do without asking, but he wants to be sure that it’s what they need in the moment, and he also.. just enjoys the exchange.

There are times when he may see his partner as too ailed by their chronic pain and might even be a little overbearing. How much is too much? It’s your call, but he’s probably gone there. Communication is key with Hayato, he’s prone to overthinking and shutting down if he feels that he’s done something wrong. It’s because he’s so full of love and care for the people that he’s dedicated himself to. It might weigh on him more than they'd like, because he just wants so badly for them to live comfortably.

He would feed his s/o better than he fed himself, probably. He’s only a little into the Eastern medicine thing but believes that there has to be some remedies to manage the symptoms and is fairly keen to try out more hollistic approaches. He feels all warm and fuzzy whenever his partner shares that they’re feeling generally better lately and will vehemently stick with whatever had the greatest positive effect, which can be a bit of overkill.

He'll go on walks with his s/o if it helps with their joint pain, and will make sure that they have the most peaceful and unbothered stroll, even if it means he has to mean mug everyone else that walks by. Enjoy the scary dog privilege :) If his partner does the thing where they lie on their back and elevate their legs, sometimes he'll walk in when they're doing it and use it as an opportunity to plant a few little kisses on their face. He will absolutely join if they requested, also. He's also not completely pain free as he ages and yknow.. puts his body through the wringer more, especially in his back, so it helps him too!

I love him, I think he would be the bitch wrapping his fingers in salonpas after he develops bomb-constructing induced RSI. He's too young to smell like an old man with his cigarettes and ointments... anyway, I'll stop projecting. many many love, ghostiee ♡♡

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas!!! I have a couple questions if you wouldn’t mind answering!! Of course don’t feel pressured to answer or read it helps just to get it out there!!

Is being an adult really as scary as it seems?

Do you have any tips for someone getting their first job with little to no experience?

And do you have any advice for me? I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing

Right now I almost never leave the house because of chronic pain and fatigue, I’m not currently enrolled in school and I don’t have a job or really any friends or anything and I hate it so I’m looking at different schools and seeing my options (thanks to you) so hopefully I’ll be able to start those soon which is so very exciting because I absolutely love school and I miss it so much. I’m also looking at some different things I can do outside of school so I can make some different friends and have things I can do to get me out of the house, right now I’m seeing about doing an aerial yoga class that I think will be cool and I also want to try to find a theater group where I can do theater tech because I think that would be really awesome, I also want to start volunteering at my local animal shelter because I love animals so much and I also think that it would look good on my collage resume even if I don’t end up perusing animal sciences and wildlife conservation as a degree, I also want to see about maybe getting a job at a hair salon as a receptionist because right now I’m between doing animal sciences or cosmetology, specifically hair, and I think it would be good to be around a salon and see what the environment is like and all that. I know that’s a lot of stuff so I might not do all of it but I love love love being busy and having things to fill my days so I think it would be good for me, I also want to just start going out more and just getting out of the house even if it’s just for a walk

Hi!

I love how many goals you have! I know you said you have chronic pain, so please just remember not to push yourself- it's better to meet 4 of your goals and respect your body's needs, than to end up ill and only get halfway on 8 of your goals.

As far as a job, I think being open to constructive criticism, being present at work, and being respectful to your colleagues are all important. If I was a boss, I'd rather take someone with no experience who's willing to learn, over someone with experience who thinks they have nothing to learn. At the same time, though, keep an eye out for places who take advantage of people with no experience. Know your rights as a worker.

I'm not sure what specific advice to give you as far as a job because I don't know much about you, but it's always good to have a resume! I know you said you have no experience, but there's always way to talk up something you did and make it seem cool and professional. Help take out the trash? Actually you 'aid with disposal of refuse in a timely manner.' This is one of the few times I'd say AI is your friend- tell AI what you've done- classes you've taken, volunteer experience, babysitting experience- and it'll make it sound good. Also, make sure you are doing the work to get the job! Besides a ride if necessary, no parents!

I hope this helps! Naming you job anon.

[alittledizzy]

I'm not a fan of dream's but it's so funny to see he went "after the surgery it won't be me in the mask all the time" then "don't say it's not me wearing the mask >:(". Like that dude is weird but weirdly hilarious.

tbh it is objectively hilarious.

i think the most important thing everyone should keep in mind about dream is just... dude is also figuring this out for the first time along with all the rest of us

there is this expectation (not from you, just from fandom in general) that he's either a 100% fuck up who makes awful decisions or he's 100% capable marketing genius who should not be questioned ever

but he's just like. a twenty three year old guy who until eight months ago hadn't left his house in four years. obviously rich thanks to his success over the pandemic. obviously intelligent enough to have built this career more or less by himself. but just because you stumble into a mix of the right content at the right time and the right audience finding it doesn't mean you're going to continue to make every right choice after.

i feel like fans of dream more than anyone else should get this? this man is like three chronic illnesses and a couple of neurodivergent diagnoses stacked together in a trenchcoat. he is relatable to a fault, but some people don't want to relate to him when it comes to the shitty aspects of adhd like time blindness and hyperfixation on a specific project. they also don't want to acknowledge what trauma can do to your passion for a specific topic. they don't want to face the human aspects of him because that's a stumbling block on the road to "dream is disappointing me personally so i'm basically now an anti"

he had a major project this year he was very excited about. for reasons outside of his control it never got off the ground. that sucks. like... i can't imagine spending months writing a 60k fic and someone else comes out with a similar fic and is hostile toward me over the idea of me posting mine. i'd sure as fuck be ready to step back from writing for a while.

and on the opposite site the people that idolize him and never want to hear a negative word about him or 'pop off, king' to every single thing he says don't want to understand that a healthy amount of criticism is not only good but needed for anyone. i've seen the same cycle in every fandom i've been in, like this is just 2018 dan and phil hiatus arguments with a new coat of paint, so i'm not even being specific to dream when i say toxic positivity and toxic negativity are equally exhausting to me. the reddit is a godsend when it comes to a place dream can, of his own volition and when he wants, visit to get a consensus of rational fandom opinion without the filter of people who are inclined to never disagree because they want a notice from him

anyway my tl;dr is i think more of fandom needs to look at dream and think 'what a weird but weirdly hilarious guy' rather than this urge to project everything they want him to be or want to be mad about onto him

[astrowaffles]

Hi, can I ask your top favorite fics that you've written (feel free how much that you want to list)? Why they're special to you? Is there a specific inspiration when you wrote them?

Hello! My favourite fics are often ones overlooked by the general public (who, for some reason, like showering love on the fics I hated writing and/or regret posting). Hence this list will be full of very short and very silly fics, since I like those best.

The Megumi-Isn't-Breathing Incident

This was only the second fic I wrote for JJK, and yet it's one of my favourites. First of all, it was written for one of my very first supporters, selcouthwanderer, whose comments I really miss. If not for them, there's no way I would've kept writing for Gojo & Megumi. Second of all, it was my very first foray into anything resembling angst (and it's still really fluffy. sigh) and it's proof to me that I have range as a writer. I'm mostly silly and I try hard to be funny, but I know I can be serious and I can dive deeper into my characters. Third of all, I think it's really well written! I genuinely surprised myself, upon rereading it, with the quality of my writing. I don't think I write to that standard normally, which makes it all the more special. If I wanted someone to think well of me as a writer, I'd show them to this fic.

2. Jump, then Fall

This one was written for the fengqing gotcha for gaza, so it came less from inspiration and more from a prompt by my good pal makki (@makkisucks). Still, I'm majorly proud of it!! It's much longer than anything I've written before and follows a plotline. Did everything turn out how I want? No. There are still things I'd change about it. But, again, it represents a major hill i climbed over - the curse of only writing 2k and then getting stuck. J,TF is 12k and completely coherent throughout. Win!

3. Chronically Ill Platypus

By contrast, this one's only 758 words and there's literally 0 plot. I like this one because it's the content I wish other people would produce so I can read it. Complex Matchablossom angst is fabulous but I wish more people actually looked at their relationship in its most basic form: they're best friends. Have been since they were five. They bring out the silliest, pettiest, most emotional side of each other and sometimes all you really want is to see them be best friends. I got a few comments along the lines of "thanks for writing them like this!! everyone wants to ship them these days (eye roll)" so I do want to be clear, I SHIP MATCHABLOSSOM. But sometimes friendship is more important than whether or not they kiss. I feel the same about iwaoi; I don't always want to see them kiss, I want to see them be silly and comfortable with each other like best friends are.

4. Bon Jovi, Autographs, and Sunshine

I haven't read over it in a while so I have no idea if it's up to current writing standards (my writing has noticeably improved over the last few years) but I remember loving this one. Justice for solangelo! I also remember someone marking it as 'ooc but i like it'. I nearly threw myself out the window because I really pride myself on my characterisation. But I stand by it, to be honest, I don't think it's ooc to any noticeable extent.

ANYWAYS. I like this fic because, again, it's the kind of thing I wish there was more of. It's chaotic and ridiculous and has no plot, it's just soft and I can literally see it in my mind's eye, tinted yellow, warm, fun... Solangelo was a massive comfort ship for me for years and this was just me expressing that. I only ever write for myself and this was peak Astro Fanfiction!!

Thanks for the ask! I hope to see you in the comments of some of these >:)

[samd1o1]

Chronic Illness Blorbos

So I've been having a lot of issues lately and I cope through fiction best! So I just wanted to highlight some of the characters that have been helping me through this time and let me feel represented. They've also encouraged me to seek help and guidance! Representation is important!!!

Viktor from Arcane;

Viktor is the most direct on this list. He is a mobility aid user! I really like how organic he feels. He's also an antihero (antivillain?)! I really like a character not having to be morally correct just because they're a minority. I also like the little details in the narrative. Viktor doesn't get a single fight scene in season one, almost everyone else does! Definitely feels similar to how it can be missing out hanging out with your peers. He's also autistic because I say so.

Heart, Mind, & Soul from Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium;

Ok so I don't know what Mr. Conathan Jash has irl, nor is it my business. But he has discussed how people are allowed to find their own stories, ideas and representation in the album. For example the album isn't necessarily about plurality but that's a valid reading! I also like to think on top of the plurality that Heart, Mind, and Soul are all physically chronically ill as well. I specifically really like the line in The Heart Acoustic "See how it hurts when the sound Begins to ring And you feel it start to rot And you beg for it to stop But you've already dug your lot in the ground".

Hunter Deamonne from The Owl House;

TOH is just a huge metaphor for disability and chronic illness. In the demon realm magic is something you are expected to have, and if you don't you're gonna struggle. Hunter cannot do magic. He uses a staff and Flapjack to be able to do some magic, but cannot do it naturally. Reminds me of a mobility aid! Flapjack is both a mobility aid and an emotional support animal for Hunter. Flap helps with Hunter's PTSD and panic attacks. Hunter is also autistic, fight the wall.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Is it weird to feel guilty that my headmates can't do anything in this body? I'm not even the "core" or whatever the term is, I only split a couple years ago and took over hosting a little over a year ago, but I feel really guilty and like it's my fault that so many of them can't do what they like. Some are into artsy things that we either can't afford the supplies and space to do, or our fine motor control is terrible so we can't do much without a lot of frustration and pain in our joints, and some really love sports or physical activities (we've got about six headmates that are in *love* with skateboarding) that we physically can't do because our body is pretty fragile between a few disabilities and conditions and we can't afford to take a bunch of falls or get injured much, or we end up stuck on bedrest for days if not weeks.

I'm not even the one making the RULES, our head gatekeeper and the head of our medical staff both agreed that we can't take risks that could send us into flares like that, but I'm usually the one that has to explain it to people and actually say no, and I feel like an asshole that I get to do the stuff I love because I just like video games and shit, but they can't even try the stuff they like

hey, it’s really not weird to feel guilty about any of this stuff. our main host also feels guilty often about “stealing time from the other alters.” we also struggle with chronic pain and other disabilities, which make it challenging for us to pursue the hobbies and interests held by other members of our system.

here’s some reminders, both for you specifically and for the rest of your system:

1. your disabilities are not your fault. it’s okay to be frustrated, to be sad or angry or depressed or furious that there’s things you want to do but can’t because of your disability. however, neither you nor anyone else in your system is to blame for this. and looking after yourself and your system might very well mean making tough calls when it comes to what your system’s body can and can’t realistically achieve.

2. just because there’s a lot of things your system cannot do or afford does not mean you all have to be cut off from having fun or exploring accessible hobbies. remember it’s okay to be bad at things, to go slow, and to take lots of breaks! you can draw for 5 minutes then take a 20 minute rest then draw for 5 more - there’s no rules when it comes to exploring hobbies in a way that is accessible for your system.

here are some links to articles discussing accessible activities for folks with chronic illness/pain. keep in mind, some of the suggestions (like crochet, cross-stitch, and painting) may still be inaccessible if you have pain in your hands or difficulty moving them.

we know you said affording art supplies is an issue, but we’d still like to link this article with accessible art supplies. a $15 investment in a utensil grip or similar tool may make art and crafting much more accessible for your system.

3. this may be an unpopular opinion, but we think you do not have to know how to skateboard or even own a skateboard in order to be a skater and participate in skater culture. there’s way more to skater culture than just skateboarding - there’s skater fashion, music, aesthetics, and all sorts of other things that skater culture encompasses. you don’t have to know how to skateboard to attend skater concerts or events or even just hang out at your local skate park!

(there’s also tech deck - you can learn skate tricks and have fun with little skateboard toys! we know it’s not nearly the same as actual skateboarding, but it could help fill in that gap!)

and here’s some interesting articles we’ve found on adaptive skateboarding - there’s no one right way to be a skater, and modifying your gear, asking for help, and using unorthodox tools to make skateboarding more accessible for you are all perfectly fine!

4. it can be hard to accept limitations. it can be hard to learn how to effectively time manage in systems, or to understand that disabilities can sometimes limit what you can and can’t do. it may be worth it for you to ask your gatekeeper and other members of your system to get on board with explaining this to the rest of your headmates. it’s a lot for this to all fall squarely on your shoulders, and maybe if you had some other headmates willing to help explain and communicate with the others, things could be a lot easier for everyone as a result.

we hope this is able to help, at least somewhat. we’re so sorry y’all are going through something like this - rest assured you’re not alone in your struggles! we’re wishing you the very best with figuring this out. let us know if there’s anything more we could do to help!

🐢 kip, 🦇 alucard, and 🌸 margo

[idyllic-affections]

omg hello!! I love your content so so much, I want to give you a hug irl but l'lI settle for sending one into your inbox 🫂

just wanted to drop some ideas I had in here. feel free to use them, mix and match em, tweak them, or just keep them as food for thought, idk:

-have you ever written big sibling! reader? I don't remember seeing it. anyways sumeru gang are my little guys and I would kill for them. (I have a primal urge to take care of kaveh and alhaitham.)

it would be fun to see a hurt/comfort scenario where big sib!reader feels guilty that they can't take care of their younger sibling like they should due to chronic illness flaring up or something similar, but their sibling feels happy that they get to return the favor

-found family!reader with sibling/family trauma learning to trust again

-also, a question: do you write for autistic readers and/or characters (totally get it if you don’t)?

I’m talking about alhaitham specifically bc he is so coded.. imagine the relief of being in an academy chock full of neurotypical people, the stress of conforming to academic standards, and then seeing someone’s little signs and being like !!! !!!!!! you are like me !!!!!!!!

-or OR: an akademic reader with any sort of learning disability. alhaitham wouldn’t give a singular shit if someone was discriminatory torwards him. but the second it’s you??? pray for the poor soul. (the rest of the sumeru gang would also absolutely riot. ofc.)

(think of that one scene in spyxfamily where anya gets insulted by a teacher and lloyd just wants to swing at him so bad but obliterates the coffee table instead.)

-reader coming out as trans? makeover montage ensues. (I’m in love with makeover montages)

kaveh and Lisa come to mind first cause they’d have a FIELD DAY getting gender affirming clothes with you

-the collei & ex-fatui!reader has been on my mind bc. bc like. imagine being raised in arlechinno’s orphanage, groomed and primed to be a soldier since birth. and meeting someone, who has a similar story, but on the other side of the narrative???

you’re both victims of the fatui but one of you has been forced into the role of the villain and the other the victim ????? do you see my vision here ??????

the pain of your past being brought up, of everyone you love seeing you as a monster, believing yourself to be a monster when you’re as much of a victim as anyone else hurt by the fatui? thinking it’s your fault when it wasn’t? Augh .

Uh. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. anyways ty again have a nice day!!

thank you awawa hugs are always welcome even if they are virtual 🫶💕💖💗💘

i always welcome these kinds of asks! i genuinely adore long asks filled with random thoughts <3

more under the cut.

(1) you know, i don't think i've done much for older sibling!reader, actually. the closest thing to it is my xiao x dendro yaksha!reader brainrot. i do a lot of younger sibling!reader content mostly because i myself am a younger sibling, but also because a lot of older siblings seem to want to know what it's like being the youngest. i definitely plan on writing more older sibling!reader content soon though.

(2) this is a concept i'm quite partial to. i like the idea of working through family trauma by recovering in a found family. to be simple and straightforward, i personally have had to work through immediate family-related trauma, and i often do it through my writing. it's a good, harmless way to work through my own feelings c: if you have any particular thoughts about this trope, feel free to send them to me!

(3) YES GOD YES i love writing for neurodivergent!character and/or neurodivergent!reader. alhaitham is always supposed to be viewed as autistic in my content. i've never touched on it yet, so i guess that's more autistic-coded? but nonetheless, he is not meant to be seen as neurotypical in ANY of my content at all. i have adhd-c myself, so i literally write from a neurodivergent lens, and i grew up surrounded by autistic people and other adhders. my favorite cousin is autistic. my second favorite is an adhder. my younger godbrother is definitely neurodivergent, but he isn't diagnosed yet. my mom's definitely got undiagnosed adhd. safe to say, i grew up surrounded by neurodivergency, so i'm happy to write it and am relatively comfortable doing so!

(4) THIS WAS ME GROWING UP FR i needed someone like alhaitham!!! i love this idea. i'm taking it and running with it. it is going into my drafts now. alhaitham would be very protective of a neurodivergent scholar reader imo (is this wishful thinking? who knows AKSJAJAGHF)

btw i know exactly what scene you're talking about even though i've never seen nor read spyxfamily aksjwkgjfh.... it has always intrigued me and i plan on reading the manga soon!

(5) REAL AND TRUE as a trans person myself, all of my content is actually directed at other trans folks. i don't care if cis people read it, of course; it's just that my target audience is trans people (specifically non-binary folk). kaveh and lisa would be SOOO thrilled to give you a lil makeover!!! i think they both have very good fashion senses so they'll definitely help you get good gender-affirming clothing <3

(6) so for a little more context (without spoiling too much hehe), the collei x ex-fatui agent reader details the story of how one of dottore's lab assistants effectively betrayed the fatui, forsook the tsaritsa, and basically said "fuck it" and helped all of dottore's test subjects escape. i would LOVE, however, to write a fic from this perspective--imagine being raised in the house of hearth by arlecchino, groomed to be the perfect, mindlessly obedient weapon of war that the fatui needs, while believing that betraying the fatui is the ultimate form of treason punishable by a fate worse than death... and then leaving the fatui regardless after meeting collei for the first time and trying to recover from all that trauma and desensitization. i think this version gives off collei x older sibling figure!reader vibes.... they could be a lil found family <3 btw anon i hope you know this idea is ALSO going into my drafts hehe

[quaranmine]

🍉

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

very interesting question! i feel like i don't go into writing fanfic with the idea of "i'm going to use this to process things from my real life" and then it just bonks me over the head anyway. like writing is a process where you just cut yourself open and bleed all over the page, and half the time i don't even really realize what i'm doing

i write about a lot of things indirectly. there's pieces of things hidden everywhere. i don't necessarily share the same traumas and experiences of the characters i write about but it's like, oh, if you hold it to the light at this specific angle, you'll see what i poured into it. not all my fics are like this, some are just ideas i had, but i'm a pretty introspective person who puts a lot of thought into things so a lot of my fics are like this

i have this one watcher!grian wip that's pretty self-indulgent. i hope that i'll post it one day, even if it's just a tiny piece, but it's one of those fics that just got away from me a little even though i love the writing i've done for it. anyway in the fic there's some very specific things that grian struggles with and it took looking at it THREE MONTHS LATER for me to suddenly realize that it was just a repackaged fantasy version of my main personal identity/social crisis i was going through then 😭 it was actually really funny to me i was like WOW i literally didnt even know what i was actually writing about when i made this but it was On My Mind i guess

there's also occasional references to my experiences with chronic illness/autoimmune disease in my fics. i've fortunately been in remission for several years now, so my current chronic illness experience is mostly just "abled adult without any symptoms or pain who is just permanently on medication and slightly immunocompromised." it affects my day to day life very little right now fortunately but the years when i was super sick were some of the worst of my life and are like. VERY core memories of my teenage years. anyway, there's a specific bit of HTBAHB where i draw on that some--specifically, grian's very mixed feelings about being a watcher and if he'd change it or not. with my autoimmune disease, if you gave me an opportunity to take it away or cure it i would accept in a heartbeat. but if you let me go back in time and prevent myself from ever having it? idk if i'd accept. as painful and traumatic as it was, it also very much shaped me how i am today, and the idea of extricating myself from that is strange. maybe the me of the past would have been happier, but she'd be a totally different person. anyway! other people probably have a different take on their traumas and experiences depending on what it was and its affects, so that was a very personal perspective there. additionally i have also incorporated some of this autoimmune disease experience into my listener!jimmy headcanons, but i haven't been able to complete and publish my wip that is About That

firewatch au is also just. extremely this. i'm very sorry but it's gonna be pretty devastatingly sad throughout and y'all just gotta let me have this because somewhere along the way it went from "interesting fun idea i had last year" into "something i Need to write" lsjdflsjfslf. i haven't grieved or lost anyone in the extreme way that grian has, but i think there's just. so many types of loss and grief in the world. lost friends and family (via death or otherwise), lost relationships with people you used to care about so much (and still might care about), lost opportunities and lost chances to have lived a different life or made different choices, the collective loss of living through the pandemic, the persistent environmental and climate grief that stalks my entire chosen career. there will be things that pop up in this story that are referenced from my real life, and things that pop up in the story that align with my own fears/anxieties.

anyway this is why writing is the most terrifying hobby ever i am like really out here every day doing this and then publishing it for strangers on the internet to read and hoping they don't read me too hard

fic writer asks

[agirldying]

Thank you for your reply!

I don't think what I experience is dissociation per say because the numbness appears at specific times but I think I'm always overall aware of my own body/thoughts.

As for emotional amnesia I do relate to that. It made it really hard to get anything from therapy because I simply wasn't able to tell how awful I felt a couple of days prior our sessions.

I'll look into the self gaslighting a bit more but from what I've seen, the thing that might make me resonate with it is the fact that I always have the feeling that whatever happened to me is okay because it either wasn't really that bad or because I was just made to handle it. While my abuse was still ongoing as a child I did not show any sign that something was wrong. I was not carrying the burden around all the time, I just dealt with it when it happened and *almost * completely ignored it the next day. Even when I actually told my parents what was happening and a therapist asked to see me I just refused (and didn't see her as a consequence). I just wanted it to be done and now it was so why talk about it?

And I'm not sure how "healing" applies to me. What am I supposed to heal from? I'm not mentally ill. I'm not always dealing with pain either. Even things I do that are considered unhealthy aren't actively impairing me. I feel like trying to "heal" will just be a slap in the face that nothin was ever bad. By that I mean I might "try" and figure out that I really did not have to try hard at all, it would just be easy because I was never truly struggling with anything to begin with. I feel like when people talk about healing they're trying to escape from something (be it symptoms of mental illness or self destructive behavior), like (excuse the metaphor lol) trying really hard not to drown and actively struggling to stay afloat, while maybe all I have to do is simply not move and let myself float around. And maybe I should simply do that, but it feels wrong

Hey etoilause,

Dissociation can be momentary or take different forms other than a disconnect from your body or thoughts, but of course it's up to you how to describe your experiences.

The thing about enduring trauma is that often times we as survivors will act "normal" while we're actively being abused, because it's a survival mechanism. Sometimes our line of logic is that if we show we're distressed by what's happening, that could only get us in more trouble or escalate the situation. When we're in an abusive situation we do not give ourselves the time psychologically to actually process what's happening, which is why this tends to only begin once we get to a place that we can subconsciously register as safe. Instead of processing, we're focused on just surviving. I wonder if any of these things resonate with you.

But I also understand refusing therapy because you wanted to just be done with it. Even 6 months after I reached safety, I was already tired of rehashing the details in my mind. 8 years later I'm still battling it. I think sometimes we believe it's more efficient (like with avoiding escalation) to just carry on as normal and try to live as if nothing happened. But when you have trauma, that's not really possible, at least without professional help.

About the use of the word healing, I do hear what could be that internalized gaslighting, in feeling like healing almost invalidates what you've been through. I will just say that you don't have to be mentally ill to heal (and mental illnesses tend to be more... chronic? i.e you can manage it but it will likely be there indefinitely, though the same goes for trauma), and that you don't have to be always in pain to heal either. Even if you got a paper cut you can heal, you know? But that's not to minimize your experiences. Suffice to say, your pain doesn't have to be constant or debilitating to need or deserve healing.

And tied into the healing and internalized gaslighting thing is perhaps that idea that healing is to escape something. On one hand, yes absolutely, and rightfully so. But on the other hand, I think there's a certain implication attached to the word escape or even escapism, because it insinuates that it's bad to escape (not necessarily trying to say you intended for this implication, just bear with me lol). And that's maybe where I see that internalized gaslighting coming back in, because it's almost like (correct me if wrong) you think, on some level, that it's worse to heal and better to stay in the pain, however severe that is.

I hope I could help, and feel free to reply.

[thegenderdoula]

New Blog: 5 Signs You Need a Gender Doula

(Note: If I make a new post on my blog, I will put it here too! If you want to be the first to know about upcoming classes and workshops [and get a little discount] make sure to sign up for my mailing list.)

It’s not always easy to know when to call in support for any given issue. Between the hyper-independence most of us have been socialized into, internalized transphobia, and the general scariness of vulnerability, asking for help often feels like something someone else should do, or something we should put off until we’ve tried every other possible avenue. When it comes to gender exploration and transition, I often find that people spend a lot of time and energy trying to muddle through on their own before they reach out to me. And I get that! It’s really vulnerable to ask for help, and sometimes its hard to know what kind of help you need. 

So here are a five signs (and a bonus!) that you need a gender doula. Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list. But I hope that it helps you see some of the many reasons why folks contact me.

You are curious about your gender (identity, presentation, etc) but don’t know where to start.

Many people who come to me do not identify as trans or non-binary. They may feel curious about their identity, how it has been shaped, why they conformed to various gendered expectations, etc., and may want to talk that out with someone. Or, they may be curious about exploring their gender, but don’t really know what to do or even what gender exploration entails. However, they may also feel like they need to have some idea of what they want before they start asking for help. 

The truth is, I think everyone benefits from gender exploration. No one on earth neatly fits in to the confines of a label, even if that label is chosen specifically because it feels more resonant than another one. Each of us contains multitudes. Each of us is far too dynamic to be fully apprehended in a single word or phrase. There is a tremendous benefit to giving your own unique relationship to gender room to breathe and develop, and a gender doula can help with that. 

2. You’ve tried researching gender transition, but it’s overwhelming, confusing, etc.

Let’s be honest - research trans or gender-related topics can be mind-numbingly difficult. I spent about 10 years researching trans identity, health care, and law, and many hours were spent combing through Google and Google Scholar trying to find even one mention of the exact thing I was looking for. While many more resources are available now than there were even 5 years ago, its still incredibly challenging to find a source that is relevant, reliable, up to date, and high quality. 

This is even more true for folks who deviate in any way from binary gender, who are racialized, who are disabled or chronically ill, or who otherwise don’t fit the narrow confines of a very specific type of trans. It’s common to say “google it” when people ask questions, but sometimes that makes things even worse! I’ve had client stumble unknowingly into TERF and other anti-trans websites, and end up confused, upset, and scared to continue searching. 

Fortunately, I have a variety of resources that are incredibly helpful for all kinds of situations. Some of these can be found through my Linktree, my Transition Basics workshops, or the resource page on my website. But especially for folks who need specific resources and support, there’s no substitute for working together one-on-one. I also have contacts all over the U.S. and internationally and belong to WPATH and multiple email lists for trans professionals and healthcare navigators, so if I can’t find an answer to your question, there are a variety of folks who I can reach out to. 

3. You want to change something about your gender identity or presentation, but you feel stuck, unsure, anxious, scared, etc.

I think that this is probably one of the most common reasons why folks come to me. Maybe they’ve explored their gender and maybe they’ve researched, but…then what? Inhabiting your gender in a new way is scary. It requires a moment of turning, of crossing a threshold. Even if no one in the outside world would ever notice whatever change you’re making, you will still be changed. 

This is heady stuff, and something folks shouldn’t have to do alone. Sometimes we all need someone to hold the space for our anxieties, fears, hopes, and dreams as we step into the next iteration of who we are. And sometimes, we have no idea how to make that step, and we need someone to help shine a light so we can find our way forward. 

If you’re in that space of stuckness, anxiety, or confusion, my goal is never to push you toward any specific outcome. Rather, I hope to hold the space for you to spread all your options on the table, and move toward whatever makes the most sense for you. I’m here for the messiness, the discomfort…all of it. Supporting you through those uncomfortable and tender moments is quintessential gender doula work. 

4. You don’t have many folks in your life that you can talk to about gender things, or you don’t feel comfortable asking them these deeply personal questions.

Some of the folks who come to me don’t have any trans people in their life that they can talk to. Others are surrounded by trans community, but sensitive to the idea of asking their trans friends to answer their questions, especially when those questions feel deeply personal for both them and their friends. Further, it can be confusing and intimidating to know where to take your questions. If you want to know more about HRT, do you feel safe enough with your doctor to bring that up? 

Working with a gender doula gives you a safe space to work out your questions and to find answers. I don’t always have the answer to every question, but when I don’t know, I have a variety of ways of sourcing answers. For more personal questions that may not have clear answers, I can sit with you in the unknown while you work toward answers. 

Having a safe space to bring your questions can also help you unearth questions that you didn’t know you had, or that you felt too scared to bring up, even just to yourself. Gender exploration can be an intensely personal process, but knowing that you’re not alone in that process can make a huge difference. And with my experience, I can also give you feedback that is grounded across research, personal experience, community involvement, and gender doula work. 

5. You’ve transitioned in some way, but now you want to take new/additional steps. 

There is a common misunderstanding that transition is a sort of one-time thing…you realize that your identity is not in line with what you were assigned at birth, you find the identity that suits you, you take whatever steps you need to to actualize that identity, and then you move on with life. And who knows, maybe some people experience their gender that way! But for most people, gender exploration is an ongoing pursuit that sometimes comes in waves. 

Also, the norms and standards of care around medical transition have shifted over the years. Several folks have come to me who transitioned under older standards that required them to take more medical steps than they actually wanted or needed, or gate-kept them from vital care. Either way, there’s a lot of trauma around this, and it can be helpful to talk it out with someone who is familiar with how these things have changed over time. 

Whether you want to explore new aspects of your transition, shift your presentation, or parse through complicated feelings about earlier decisions, the space we make together can hold this in great detail and nuance. A gender doula can hold non-judgmental space for the tough stuff, and help you shift your gender paradigm toward joy and affirmation. 

Bonus: Your friend/partner/loved one/child is transitioning and you need a safe space to ask all of your questions.

I’ve done several sessions with partners, parents, and friends of trans people who want to be supportive but aren’t always sure how. Working with a gender doula for this is excellent, because you can ask all the questions that you need to without damaging your relationship to your trans loved one. Allies and loved ones have found these sessions so helpful and so supportive that they often need only one such session, though for parents I have occasionally done more frequent work, as gender situations with younger children can be very dynamic and challenging.

If you are the parent of a trans child, finding resources can be challenging. While I personally deeply recommend Gender Spectrum as a general source for parents, I know that parents who try to find targeted answers to tough questions on Google can be waylaid by spurious sources and bad actors masquerading as concerned citizens or even credentialed professionals! Having a space to speak with someone who can not only answer your questions, but can also curate your resource list with high quality, trustworthy resources, can save any parent or loved one from a lot of misinformation and fear. 

For parents and loved ones who need support, but prefer not to work one on one, I have a variety of resources in my Bookshop and on the resources section of my website. 

Bottom line: There are many reasons to hire a gender doula, and these are just some of them. 

Gender touches so many different parts of our lives. For trans, non-binary, and other gender expansive people, gender is often grappled with in overt ways, as well as ways that are less obvious. For cis people or people who don’t identity as any of the above, gender is still a dominating force, and one that can be challenging and confusing to navigate. 

Gender doulas are truly for everyone. Gender exploration is a helpful and beautiful process for people of all gender identities. But it can also be a challenging and confusing process, and having someone to hold you in gentle acceptance, and who can also answer thorny and confusing questions, can make the whole process a lot more human. 

If you’re interested in 1:1 gender doula services, contact me here or shoot me an email: hello@thegenderdoula.com. If my books are full, I have a few colleagues that I can refer you to. If you are curious about workshops and classes, sign up for my mailing list. And if you like this blog post, follow me on social media. I do this work because I love this work - it is my purpose and my passion. I would love to support you in whatever ways I can!