#i think they get to be a little fucked up and weird. as a treat.
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Russingon being an incestuous couple is so fucking interesting to me for what it represents narratively. (Yes, I know they are not canonically a couple. No, I do not care, because I do believe the coding is on purpose. Even if it’s accidental, it’s still there.)
If you don’t have a lot of experience with incest in other fiction (for example: the staple gothic horror), incest usually represents deviance. That’s just what it says on the tin: diverting from norms. Usually in a bad way. Deviance can be narratively treated as bad or wrong, and there is plenty of deviance from our meta societal norms with these two, but I digress. I don’t want to talk about that today.
I want to talk about subversion, and the deviance that is sometimes good, actually, and the message that sometimes you must break norms to do good.
[PS guys if you read all this and want to add your thoughts please do! This is kind of half-baked and I’d love to see more opinions because I’ve not seen anyone talk about this much.]
They are so fucking fascinating, because they are deviant! They are! Their entire relationship is baffling politically because of the Finwëan house feuds. More importantly, they have individual deviances that this relationship is telling you to pick up on.
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Maedhros is a Kinslayer. Maedhros is also arguably the most heroic one of his siblings.
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No, we can’t burn the ships. How the fuck are we gonna get Fingon over here?
No, I have to go parley with Morgoth.
I have to abdicate the crown because I’m becoming something I don’t want to be.
No, I have to put myself in front of everyone else. I have to hold Himring so the rest of Beleriand doesn’t get nuked.
I have to summon everyone for the Nirnaeth.
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And then after Fingon dies in the Nirnaeth, Maedhros (as we all know) goes fully off the rails—which is to say, he becomes fully Fëanorian. He goes back to the norm for his family.
There are more Kinslayings. He tries once to save two twin children, and that’s it. He gives up. There is no more hope. Maglor is responsible for taking in the next set. Maglor also wants to beg the Valar for forgiveness, and maybe Maedhros would’ve seen the sense in that once, but instead he becomes the second coming of his father and dies burning, clutching onto his Oath.
The deviance from Fëanorian standards was the only thing keeping him from becoming a monster for all that time.
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Fingon is also (very likely) a Kinslayer. He’s also the family extrovert and hope incarnate.
Unlike Aredhel and Turgon, he does not seclude himself for his own protection. He does the opposite.
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No, we can’t just stay here in Aman. We need to protect the other half of our people??
No, we actually have to get Maedhros. Fine, I’ll do it myself then. I’ll reach out to the gods while I’m at it, since none of you will.
Of course we’re going to join every battle. Of course we’re going to help hold down Beleriand.
If I have to face evil alone I suppose I will, then.
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And he dies when he’s alone against those Balrogs. Fingon is also like his father in many ways—but in some ways he is not. He is brighter, sometimes. He is hope incarnate in the worst of places.
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I’m far from the first person to acknowledge that what Maedhros and Fingon have going on is a very strong message to never give up hope. But like—not just that. What kills me is that, you know, the hope and the heroism and the goodness is the deviance.
They like each other while most of the Noldor are off getting doomed or fighting with their relatives. You get to those little bits where it mentions Maedhros and Fingon still keeping up their friendship and you kind of have to think “damn, at least some people still genuinely love each other in the midst of all this horror.” It’s sweet. And yet it’s deviant.
And that’s weird, right? Usually deviance is bad. But I think here it’s more neutral. Just presented as: this is not the common option, not the norm. It’s not the common option, but it leads to one of the kinder relationships in the Silm.
The Silm wants you, the reader, to take away that you should have hope and goodness, even when everything around you is hell. Even when it is the hard option. When it becomes hardest to hold up light and help others, that is when it’s needed most.
It will be scary sometimes to be hopeful, and that’s okay. It will be scary to extend yourself. It will be scary to trust and to defend others. That’s okay. Do it fucking scared and keep doing it.
#incest was prob the weirdest way to do this message so idk if I think there’s authorial intent here#but. it’s still fun to read into subtext and pick apart the book#silmarillion#russingon#maedhros#fingon#this was like a little puzzle for me#I spent so long thinking about Fingon because he’s not as clear cut#these two are so deeply compelling. why are you like this guys#if there’s typos ignore them I’m Eepy#I’ve tried to make sure there are no egregious ones but knowing me I forgot an important word somewhere#btw if I start seeing arguments about incest morality please read the room. this is not about that#essay tag
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idea:
vampire pete and ybcpatrick au
pete is kidnapped by the Vixens cult, he's The Music Guy of the Chicago hardcore scene and he's got a little too close to figuring out their operation
patrick is an experiment of the Vixens, a kid born from locally famous musicians that they kidnapped and brainwashed into a yellow-eyed, hook handed, violent monster
the Vixens are working to see if the same brainwashing would effect Pete since he is nonhuman, but it doesnt work
the brainwashing in patrick is failing, the Vixens notice this and vocally plan to kill the two of them, which Pete overhears.
Pete shares this plan to Patrick and the two have to work together to break out before they kill them
#I LOVE WHEN CHARACTERS ARE EXPERIMENTED ON!!!! YEAH BOY GO THROUGH THE HORRORS FOR WHAT IS THOUGHT TO BE THE GREATER GOOD!!!!!!!#i think they get to be a little fucked up and weird. as a treat.#also for fob9 we need music videos where joe and andy get to be weird freaks#like yeah we got donnie and sandman but they deserve to be creechurs too#me posts#ybcpatrick the guy ever#vamppete#fall out boy#fob#patrick stump#pete wentz
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son boy raccoon trash can man suffering in a dnd au as a cleric bc his warlock will not stop committing murders and he has to keep coming up with reasons murder is valid to convince the gm its fine and under control
#my characters#oops i fell in love#right is trying his best in the au to think about all the logic behind killing someone despite being a cleric SPECIFICALLY#bc he refuses to hurt anyone irl or in dnd and ok fine their warlock can have a little murder as a treat#and the body count is adding up and hes like ... so tired..... please can you not kill for five minutes im running out of excuses#fwiw he has the weird logic of the group in the base plot and the guy who is the gm here#is v open about ok but if we ask right then hell give an unhinged answer completely thought out and rationalized#and in fact asks him hey i know you refuse to hurt people but im having a debate with these two coworkers#if you had to commit a crime for aaaaaanyone on the planet who would you commit a crime for#and he doesnt even hesitate to say luca obviously to which the asker is like WHAT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER#YOU WANNA MARRY HER AND WONT COMMIT A CRIME FOR HER? but LUCA? of all people???? not even brent?#and right is just so confused because first off brent would probably be the one committing a crime for him without being forced#(brent agrees with this statement with a shrug) and second off luca has really weird coworkers and thought he was getting stalked for a bit#due to a misunderstanding with said one weird coworker so yeah obviously right would threaten the guy with a gun which is illegal and#third and final how could he face his beloved angel (the daughter mentioned above) if he was a criminal#he cant tarnish a sweet little innocent girls opinion by committing a crime IN HER NAME gosh fuck off with that attitude#he has STANDARDS thank you very much#and the three at the table are all like okay yeah that was really thought out on the fly youre right#also brent do not commit any crimes for him please and brent just nods in agreement bc ok he wont commit a crime unprompted#also hi animal crossing emotes are so fun to doodle for bye#once again i am baffled by how different the colors look on my laptop in the art program vs posting to tumblr#im going to go insane at how different they look#IM COLOR PICKING FOR MY OWN OCS AND ITS SO WRONG LOOKING IDK MAN
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ‘woah your face got rounder’#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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Actually i feel like my voice goals are not that unreasonable since the people i get jealous of the most really are my age or older
......
Well, reasonable though they may be, realistic is another matter
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#trans#trans ftm#transmasc#my dad has a pretty deep natural singing voice and SO DO I so i expect i'd end up sounding like him :/#it pisses me off to no end that there's just some innate quality that cis men's voices have that i can't imitate; no matter how low or open#*how low or open i try to push my voice#well - i actually do sort of know because i've stumbled over it a time or two#it's not just keeping like.. the space in your throat open#it's a completely different way of moving your mouth around and it feels a) weird as all hell and b) bad for my jaw somehow?#the unfair part is by the time i feel safe starting hormones it'll be past the window where it's normal to want to sound like that ...#i don't actually have that unusually deep a voice i just .... fucked it up a little i think. for singing anyways.#this too pisses me off cause why do i gotta be Obviously Weird in gender BUT no voice to help that assumption along#i dunno anyways. consult coming up and i CAN pay for it i HAVE the money but hough surgery itself is all up in the air until then#i already know i won't have enough but...... i really could pay it off in about a year#ESPECIALLY if i get either more hours or get commissions#i can do it ... i know i can it's just scary to have the prospect of it all falling down on me#due to the fact that this is my first major medical procedure Ever#and i am soso anxious about money#i mustn't spend on little treats..... even if i can... even if i have more than enough money......
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:/
#that vaginismus post got me feeling all fucked up tbh#and this is nothing against op. i have no issues with op here and i don't think they did anything wrong.#they were just sharing their own experience#but it's hard when you kinda feel like a freak of nature a little bit#like I've had people straight-up not believe me when I've told them nothing can go in my vagina (and it's almost like I don't have one)#so it was nice to read a post from someone with a similar experience in that regard#but like...again. nothing against op at all.#but it got me really triggered. just thinking at all about 'treatments' for it#like thinking about the idea that I'm supposedly not having sex 'correctly' because I can't have anything inside my vagina#(even though I have a lot of sex that I and my partners really enjoy)#and thinking about doctors and just...any framing of it as something that's not normal and would need to be 'treated'#while also at the same time knowing my inability to get a pap smear might be a genuine medical issue#but it just gets me so triggered to think about it#I'm sure all my weird gender stuff isn't helping either#though my vaginismus has been present long before I had any *idea* that I might not be cis#I'm sorry I'm venting. It's just hard I guess#like it doesn't feel like anything is wrong with me but it's hard to live in a world that assumes there must be#or that assumes people like me just don't exist and everyone with a pussy wants to and can be penetrated#personal#vaginismus
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I fucking HATE how the fandom treats m.ine. it's so bad 😭
#ash rambles 💚#so many shitty takes... too much time on twitter ruins a man#i hear one more person call him a crazy obsessive yandere and i think I'm actually gonna lose it#he's either portrayed like that or as one half of a ship#his actual character is lost on so many people because oOoOOoOOooOoO mInE wAs GaY#i dont doubt that he likes men. it's just that I've seen so many people be weird about it-#also. it's not fucking sexy to wanna kill your partner. a bullet between the eyes isn't an act of love.#I saw a tweet today about how m.ine actually wanted to kill k.iryu because he thought d.aigo liked k.iryu romantically#and m.ine only wants d.aigo to himself. and THAT'S why m.ine wanted to kill k.iryu.#let that sink in. 😐.#i hate how the fandom treats him SO MUCH#i will sit in my corner here. and i will kiss m#m.ine. and we will kiss a lot. and things are good. we are happy. we are far away from all of that.#I'm not saying every fan of his is horrible. I've seen a lot of great stuff and content! but holy shit I've seen some horrible stuff too#and it's hard to not feel like I'm doing something wrong by shipping with him. by loving a guy who the world has always hated.#and ofc I'm not! but still! even whenever i rb content of him here I'm always so afraid ajdhajsj#like ah yes this is the day i finally get cancelled on tumblr dot com for (checks notes) ... shipping with y.oshitaka m.ine??#I'm honestly afraid to take him up to being an official f/o ajdhajsb i think he'll stay in crush jail a little while longer..#i hate how the fandom perceives him so much!!!!!!! i also just hate the y.akuza fandom in general lmao#i do also like k.iryu so.. I've seen shit 😐#I'll delete this later but oh boy i am in a mood#and i know this isnt the first time I've blogged about this#and for that i do apologize. but i really do love this guy and despite wanting to look for content of him i always end up finding the most#infuriating shit!#i know he's done fucked up things. he's not a great guy. but! our relationship is built on mutual trust and i will NEVER write any of that#creepy obsessive shit that the stupid fandom always portrays him as doing! he's not going to kill someone for getting too close to me-#I'm just... upset- get behind me honey! I'll shield you!#and by kissing him I'm not brushing over any of the shit he does in the game. yes he beheaded that guy. yeah he slapped that orphan.#but i adore him and omg i hit tag limit... oopsie daisy lol sorry guys 😭 I'm really sorry for always talking abt this#you were beautiful 💸
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"spar.kle is fictional who cares" I have seen people praising her for her racist anti-romani comments what the fuck kind of world do you live in
#➳ the fool speaks#fuuuck man i don't think fiction and reality will influence each other 1=1 but characters being weirdos or bigots and it not being#criticized for it makes those kinds of people who Very Much Already Exist IRL think they're in the fucking right. they aren't.#i don't think someone getting spar.kle in hsr is going to turn them into a fucking racist but her being Like That and looking cute#and being playable and not getting called the fuck out in game makes people who ARE racists have a cutesy girl to idolize and support and#use as a way to say shit without getting in trouble because ''ermmm I'm not the one who wrote her!! i just think she's really funny!! she's#not real anyways why are you mad!!''#like my god shut UP#again like. pulling for her or thinking she's cute doesn't mean you want all roma dead. that. that isn't how that works#but if you think of hoyo's writing of her is good and funny and not problematic at all I'd LOVE to know what you think about#how real life roma r treated to this day. like genuinely let's have a little chat. I'm sure you have normal not-racist opinions#and do not use the g slur and do not defend it and tootally don't view roma just as all the bad stereotypes right !!!!#*ok actually pulling for her kinda. shows support to hoyo for whatever weird ass decision someone on their team made#to go ''ah yes let's add racism but make it a cute girl and make it 'funny' this'll get us so much money''#and if you spent on her banner. look idk what to say. shame? yeah shame. hoyo in general is not a company that deserves your money there#are better things to spend your cash on. like literally look at how they treated sum.eru and they made the guy inspired by roma WHITE ???#generally. not something I would advise spending on. but like ok especially on the racist character y'know#anyways.
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The most pointless discourse I have a strong stance on is that Schlatt was not a twink, he was just a kid. A pretty boy at best. Twinks don't just have pretty faces and are skinty. They are big homo, yeah? They are cunty.
I think whenever someone says Schlatt experienced twink death they should have to enter into hand to hand combat with Tyler Oakley. He was just a little guy your honor.
Tyler's "twink era" was Shlatt's age now. He didn't have twink death, he just grew up and no one was normal about it.
#actually the more i think about it the stranger it gets that ppl look at the teenage version of him and say how fuckable he was#but im also like a year or 2 older than him so ofc i think the grown man version of him is more attractive.#im also a grown person#he olny made himself hotter by making himself look a little weird tbh imo iibh fr#schlatt#me#and another thing#Thinking about if he was a young woman and ppl were like “she cut her hair and got fat” and how fucked up eveyone would know that was#and yet#like i said i know its like not important but it also is#important enough he admitted to changing his appearance so people would stop treating him a certain way so yeah
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Me whenever a non artist says that they 'can't draw' and I start screaming shaking crying going bananas and having to give the whole 'you CAN draw actually' spiel:
#AUGH#art rant#i dunno it just feels like..#like they're treating art like this thing#that you're either *born* with the ability to do or you just can't do it ever#which like. even if a lot of artists start young because of how art doesn't need much equipment#YOU CAN STILL DRAW!#THERE'S NOTHING STOPPING YOU FROM DRAWING#it just kind of has the vibe that#they think that artists were just BORN with fancy hands? that allow us to magically draw good from thr get go?#it's so so weird to me#no one says that kind of thing to like. ANY other person with a skill besides other creatives#LIKE THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO DO#YOU CAN GET TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE AT SOME POINT !#BUT IT IS GOING TO TAKE YOU. ABSOLUTELY. FOREVER.#AND THAT IS OKAAYYYYYY !#like what do you think i am#i am not msgic#i did not produce this from thin *air*#i produced this from thousands of millions of stupid little doodles and fucked up paintings#i produced this from crayon drawings from when i was five years old#i produced this from staying up until 4 am#stuck in one place#hunched over my screen#adding finishing touches after 7 hours#i produced this from loving what i saw around me#and envying what i saw around me#and looking at what i saw around me and wondering if i could ever make it 'better'#and being so inspired from what i saw around me that i couldn't bear not to put a pencil on my paper#but. anyways. oh well. im literally out of tags now lmao. bye
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You know. Sorry for another sporadic unprompted post about that friend who has caused me so much trauma in the past year. But I remember this one time his old high school friend I met once, he's really nice I liked him a lot. Cool guy. But he lives far away so they don't meet up a lot but they text. One time he sent this friend some pictures of us that were taken at a cooking class that he'd been bothering me into going to despite that it was all the way in Boston, there was a lot of walking to get to it, etc. And I was like constantly feeling sick and run down and exhausted from having Covid recently. He texted his friends those pictures of the two of us and his friend asked "Are you and Diana dating lol" like pretty innocently but honestly curious.
And he just replied "Are you fucking high" and he showed me and told me about it. Like. Like it was uncomfortable for HIM to be asked that.
Like his response isn't SUPER INSULTING TO ME.
#and also just really fucking mean to that friend. like???? WHO TALKS LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE#his friend was like 'oh lol sorry. but itd be cute if you were' like why make him ashamed of asking a normal ass question???#the way this guy was possessive over me and entitled to my constant attention youd THINK he was my fucking boyfriend#this anecdote is actually a good example of how even if you just do smth completely normal (in this case asking a question)#but he doesn't like it he'll just turn it on you and make you feel wrong or crazy. FOR NOTHING#he doesn't reflect at all on the insulting unthinking ways he treats ppl either. why would he? he's always right#and if he's ever not right it's always someone else's fault somehow.#that's why i can't bring up any of this shit to him. his response is always 'well you couldve just told me' but no#NO ONE CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING BC YOUR ANGER AND EMOTIONS ARE EVERYONE ELSE'S RESPONSIBILITY!!!#motherfucker has no idea what the word imposing means#tales from diana#i truly loathe this little boy bitch baby#'are you fucking high' it's funny bc that makes it sound like he'd never be attracted to me#it's very likely he was. i hate to be like this but im not FUCKING UGLY AND HATED BY EVERYONE?? UNLOVABLE???#im found attractive by ppl pretty often and im not offended by it.#but hed get so weird whenever someone expressed interest in me#one time he humiliated this guy i barely knew by telling him he knew that guy asked me out for valentine's day.#the fuck???? why are you making that guy explain it to you??? it wasn't WEIRD. i just said no you FREAK#makes human beings feel ashamed of human emotions bc he doesn't have any of his own.
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Not wealthy enough for the Mid Life Crisis and also life is unpredictable so I will be having an ongoing crisis
#why is allergy medicine like that#claritin smoking crack if they think im being robbed $25 for half the amount that id get of the generic for like $15 get real babe#dont mind me this is just the my bday is approaching and it is always accompanied with dread post#not necessarily afraid of aging just of the other things that happen like car maintenance and the general state of the world#i never feel Great on my birthday yknow#i started new meds so i can blame every weird feeling on those for the time being#yeah sorry im just the exact age where junior and senior year got screwed up by covid and now im almost 20 so!!! fuck! lmao#2003 babies deserve free therapy i THINK#actually everyone does but whatever#and i wonder why the top of my head is thinning. maybe bc feels like yesterday i barely graduated with some gifted burnout spice#and now today shit is too expensive at the store!! im living little treat to little treat over here#'hurr dur if those kids stopped buying starbucks every day' no sir i cant afford that but what i Can afford is popsicles so i stay alive#thank you very much#something about not having a lot of cash makes a bitch feel overly guilty about buying snacks i swear
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rock sausage
#toy pic post#undescribed#get colonised with beneficial bacteria. idiot#soon ill finally be rid of ALL the Wretched Fucking Coco Puffs (eheim substratpro)#fucking wretched things gave me such horrible nitrate spikes bc the damn things were only doing like 2/3rds of their fucking job and i#didnt REALIZE it. ive replaces Most of them with seachem Matrix. and now im trying to get this batch of fresh brand new Matrix to colonise#a little before i switch out more of them#i thiiiiiiiink the other 2 filters are completely empty of the evil balls by now? but not certain#need to do them. tonight. so i can add meds#cos rn my Wild Guess for why the white corys are just acting SO wrong and abnormal and Fucking Weird and like#Rotting Recreationally is gill flukes. so. i have! api general cure. which is metronidazole and praziquantel and should treat if its#gill flukes or some other parasites or ich. but i think i Might have some purigen in one of the smaller filters. so. need to get that out#first#also YES my algae is insane i need to scrub it i KNOW. i just adjusted the light schedule to be a couple hours shorter and ill scrub it#soon. im prioritizing the filters today.might. nap#and then. either do the filters later tonight OR if i dont get to them tonight. tomorrow after work i guess#90gal#anyway. hope i can get it done soon and then treat them and that it works for Whatever is fucking wrong with them and they get better#and that i dont have to swear off albino fish for the rest of ever#god. the hair algae on those pothos roots..............💀#ill scoop it when im done with the filters okayyyyyy. and if i have it in me ill scrub the wall and the anubias#i like the anubias method of fighting the algae of just put out a brand new leaf every week to soak up the light before it gets completely#covered by algae#and by like i mean i wish it had more effective methods of fighting off algae bc scrubing the leaves of my live plant is getting fuckin old
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me: wow, I uh actually am an okay person whoa.
also me: how is this possible it shouldn’t be why how why how why how why how why how why how.
#-pop#Ily everyone actually#I have annoyed and hurt people with my stupid dyslexic ass#My bones hurt and get riled up and swear at people but fuck why do you still like me#I guess that old saying is true “time softens the soul” or whatever it’s called#it doesn’t heal all wounds it doesn’t mend broken pots but it softens the soul. Eventually you realise you were a bratty little kid and you#Have grown into a person a adult human person who can kinda think and talk and has freedoms and rights#and it’s weird because when your younger you just forget and all you can do is be mean be ignorant be disrespectful because who?#cares enough to actually treat you like your human. So you just lash out and pretend your a adult when your just a tall child#and you go around and around and you get into fights and cults and debates and then you realise.#you were a kid#a stupid kid you haven’t even stepped foot outside to finally be yourself and find people you like#and it all comes crashing down. Because well people aren’t evil people aren’t actively trying to be horrible but people are dumbasses#I’m a dumbass#we all are#and well?#we try better later. We are all stupid flawed people who have yet to grow up#and when I grow up I hope I’m still able to learn and change#I hope by my 30s I’m a chill guy#tw repeating words
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trying to watch all of us strangers and it's just making me cry really hard this is why I don't do romance movies WAH
#not even at actual sad bits i just lose my mind watching ppl w chemistry act romantically on screen#when its well done and it feels intimate..... taking poison damage ouuuuurggh. -1hp -1hp -1hp ow... -1hp#god i fucking miss kissing ppl i miss physical intimacy its hard to breathe watching this. in a good way but also oww. ouch!!!!#i am so normal and well adjusted i promise. come here#i wish i didnt react the way i do sometimes to physical contact theres no reason i dont understand why it happens#like i wish it was easy for me and came naturally bc i always want it so so badly. but the fucking flinch where does that come from#and it makes everyone treat me like glass and avoid me bc they think i dont like it or just tolerate it i promise im not lying come back#its so so so frustrating and i find it so hard to watch other ppl being affectionate its like looking directly at thr sun#and i know im so obvious around other ppl when i get upset bc theyll touch and avoid me and then i get upset if they do touch me bc they#only do it when they feel bad for leaving me out ppl only ever hug me when they feel sorry for me do u know how shit that makes me feel#i just want ppl to want me around and in their space bc thats what i want but is it too much.to ask 🥹🥹🥹🥹#its easier when i warm up to ppl but it just takes so long and its so rare for anyone to believe me by that point the boundaries are set#im like a little feral kitten i need to be physically socialised before i get adopted#this isnt even making sense anymore im so tired my mind is all over the placr. sloshing on the floor. anyway ummmm#i cant keep being like this forever man#not even talking abt sex but thats a whole other thing. wouldnt it be nice to fuck without fitting the stone top role. i wouldnt know#all respect to ppl who are stone and all the ace ppl i know but im NOT i do want it i very much do experience the attraction!!!!#but for some reason my body wont let other ppl touch me it drives me fucking insane. i dont even have trauma like whatever man#didnt even use to be this bad i was such an affectionate kid n teen i wish i could go back man. man!!!#what a fucking decade of mental illness and repression does to a mf. forget all the other ways its affected me this is the worst by far#just the isolated n alienation innit. well it is what it is. maybe someday ill get it back#anyway sigh..... back to the movie.. i do like it so far its very pretty just different to my usual sort of film innit#considering i watched cure last weekend ajskdnf. the tonal difference#cure was a weird one but thr more i think abt it the more it sticks with me.... so good i need to watch more kurosawa#ANYWAY#.diaries#sorry for getting so personal on a saturday night.. im home alone for 24 hours and this is what happens
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slamming my fists against the floor like an animal thinkinh abt dadfario
#marlena isnt rlly innnn rog that much so grus home life seems sortof sanitised but likeeee even still gru says she wouldnt care abt him bein#kidnapped. and would actively pay them to keep him#so like even in jokes .. this is still bad#and yeah plus shes not around. she doent even notice gru is GONE for at least like a day. and only realises bc they get attacked by v6#i did actually kinda change my mind abt wk dying. i think it works well enough even tho the moon stuff is a bit silly#also strange that its kinda ambiguous if he actually trains gru or not. we dont see him again after the funeral even tho they leave togethe#sure gru knows some fight moves but he cld also have learnt them from chow. who he DOES stay in contact with#ig my current idea is that he trains gru a littleeee on the downlow cus hes. supposed to be dead#but like hea old and got fucked by the fire sooooo. oops. goodbye granpa#idk how longgg. its kinda weird#seems gru partners w nefario IMMEDIATELY cus hes still packing up the shop.#maybeee actually its moreso. wk gives him some Sage Wisdom and then fucks off into hiding for a while until he dies#like retired. i guess that wld be nice seeing as his crew and henchmen both left him LOL#ANYYYYYWAYY. back to the topic at hand.#while u clddd say wk is a father figure to gru they dont rlly spend enough time together to rlly be like that. whereas nefario sees gru all#the way thru to adulthood#Yeahh… his dadddddd.#ignore me being mentally ill its just very cathartic to me imagining a little guyyy getting loved properly for the first time#and not treated as weird and listened to anddddd getting to do nice things togetger#mannn tho nefario was sooo chill and nice when he was young … makes me wonder what hsppened to make him LikeThat in the first film#coming from a guy who was on the brink of retiring from villainy. to then sacrifice grus happiness for a scheme#ig u cld say he saw it as better for gru in the long run. being able to earn back some respect from the villain community#and selfishly nefario himself#buttttt idk its too late for thst. im tiredddd#all i know is. nefario adopted one kid and one million yellow thangs. and life is so beautiful
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