21 | she | n/aspd & otherssome kinda mental health sideblog
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genuinely mortifying that my parents successfully abused me when i was a kid becayse what do you MEAN these fucking losers psychologically damaged beyond repair they can't do ANYTHING
#my mother is fucking unbearable recently what do you MEAN you want me to handhold you through installing waze in your phone you are FIFTY#i can't stop getting into bullshit with her because i literally do not have the patience because now that i'm older she wants me to#be her fucking advisor because 'i'm more experienced' bitch i only learned this shit because you didn't raise me???#then i try to just explain things because it's easier and she doesn't even listen oh my God my fucking god i'm going to go insane#it's genuinely so pathetic i can't feel victimized myself like it doesn't feel like abuse. every outburst i witness registers as a tantrum#fuck me i need to calm down lol#i'm not making any sense
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ASPD culture is, how the fuck am I nicer and more considerate than you (general you) fuckers? aren't I supposed to have the 'rude dickhead with zero consideration of how something may affect other people' disorder??? how am I able to think 'this could offend someone, I should steer clear of it' when prosocials put no effort into doing the same thing? bruh??
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#i will think like hey let's avoid doing x so the group dynamic isn't disturbed and it won't cause annoying problems for everyone.#only for someoke to do worse than that like omg you people can't do anything
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out of all of my partner's friends the only one who has actually approached and talked to me turned out to be a weirdo so there's that
#not to be like why lior the bus driver all of a sudden.#i barely know these people and i doubt this is significant at all but like :/ damn#i can never manage to really get along with their friends it makes me feel Weird. i feel like they just never like me very much even if i'm#being as pleasant as i can be. i mostly just avoid them atp
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I don't have antisocial personality disorder or conduct disorder, so I am wondering what people with those disorders prefer to be called
#it's kinda like given names/nicknames to me like i'd rather people say antisocial/aspd Unless they also have it or#we're friends then you can use whatever because i think it's funny#honestly i don't mind people using sociopath/psychopath by itself it just kind of registers as an ableist red flag because that's how it's#usually said.
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cluster B culture is thinking that, maybe, I don't have ASPD. I adjust my opinions based on the people I'm around, and am quite malleable... and then I remember that my morals are... atypical, and my tendency to shift my opinions on things often doesn't result in a permanent shift, so maybe I'm just creating a persona in that moment to avoid conflict.
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#thought this was one of the reasons why i couldn't possibly have aspd then realized#i just don't really care that much about most topics and i pretend to agree with others cause i mostly can't be fucked to argue with them 🫠
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No one talks about how susceptible to lovebombing pwnpd are. Not only does it make sense to us that someone who's known us 2 days is in love with us and says we're the best person ever, but we also tend to believe we *cant* be manipulated because of how smart/emotionally superior we are. Terrible concoction.
#OH BROTHER#the amount of times i straight up knew it was lovebombing but just stayed anyway cause it felt good#not a thing i will ever talk about outside of narcblr it's actually embarrassing
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one thing i have in my mind today besides that though is when i looked up aspd treatment options and almost every article listed "support for affected loved ones" Lmao
#easily one of the top 10 things i feel so bitter about#sometimes i sink into these moods where i wonder if i can do anything to 'fix' myself and then i'm reminded how#there is literally nothing that i can do and the world is more concerned with my 'affected loved ones' than me#i can't describe the type of anger it gives me#genuinely i don't know what it makes me feel sometimes. how little the world cares about my wellbeing. in a way i almost understand.#it almost makes sense. because i don't either and over the years no one else has either#post aborted i don't know i got too angry about it and can't word it right anymore (typed and retyped stuff and it didn't come out right
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n/aspd splitting and "special" people is definitely a thing. much to my dismay
#i don't know which causes what or if it's the combo#and i'm not borderline for sure i've looked into that in depth and ruled that out multiple times#anyway it's characteristic that none of us seem to talk about it in depth i don't even want to think about it really#but i think that would be one of the punishments i would experience for eternity if christian hell turns out to be real#i feel INSANE <3
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Hello! Has your Npd affected your perception of/ relationship with your gender at all?
Yes
No
It's complicated
Unsure.
#it Kind of literally yassified me as it developed in my brain i think#i've always been pretty girly but i used to hate the like 'vanity' aspect associated with femininity. then one day i was just like#yeah i need a makeup look for every type of going outdoors activity#identity wise i'm kind of ambivalent about being a woman but presentation wise i#have got to get the highest grade at Girl or else.
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i never talk about my drug use with anyone. nowadays i wonder if my uncle would've understood if he was still around
#tw death + od + addiction talk ahead ->#it's kind of alien idea. opening up to a family member. but he always cared a little i think#i wonder if he would push me to quit. i don't think he would#what i feel we had in common was that we just can't stand to be fully present all the time in the clusterfuck situations we live in#i wonder if i would have called him the times i od'd#the thought of having anyone to call while going through that is kind of emotional#even without a good concept of danger every single run in with od i had was awful. sitting alone on the floor#waiting for my heart to slow or my body heat to lower. wondering if it will happen this time or if i caught on to the symptoms too late.#i would've never called an ambulance. if i died then it might have been so long until someone noticed
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it's just really fucking frustrating that we live in a world where I grew up being trained to believe that addicts are unloveable. and then I became an addict and I was still told that addicts are unloveable. and I just have to deal with the fact that there are people out there who believe that I don't deserve love, or that my partner is brave for loving me, or that my family and friends are suffering just from me existing. and that's fine that's just the way it is
but then on top of that. I have to deal with tumblr users telling me (an addict!!!) that they hate addicts in a cool new way that I should be totally sympathetic towards. see, they had a family member who was the most evil person on the planet! and that family member was an addict! so they can't help the fact that they now want all addicts to die! they can't help it! blast them all.
#in my mind today#my family doesn't know about my habits and don't care to learn but i suspect it would've gone like this#it's crazy because we definitely have a huge addiction gene going on.#crazier because the kindest guy in the whole collective of abusers and enablers was my uncle who was an alcoholic#i'm not traumadumping on a stranger's post but#it felt crazy to learn about addiction as a teen and how villainized it was when the biggest addict i've ever known#was the only person who would defend me from the very sober kid beaters and bring me the bread i liked from his bakery.
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n/bpd culture is seeing a person with bpd saying ableist shit abt people with npd like THATS UR SIBLING 😭😭😭
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yesterday night i made and submit a cv for job applications. was kind of alienating feeling? i realized how many of my skills were not acquired by socially acceptable means. i feel like when i get interviewed i can't make myself look professional to save my life. i don't know how much of my outer personality can save my ass on that
#i don't do much masking at least not in a traditional? sense#i feel like the aloofness works in my favor with the sort of people i'm usually with#everyone is anxious and wired and awkward so i get to stand out in a good way#but it wears off in some occasions and i end up being seen as offputting or arrogant#when it comes to work people are usually fine with it though. but i don't think they love the overall lack of passion#and i don't know if that's something i could ever mimic no matter how many people i watch#i don't understand them or how their ambitions work at all#ever since i became disillusioned with education i don't even have npd supply seeking to fuel me
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is it just me or is it a common thing for pwaspd to when they feel stress it’s only physical and mentally i really don’t care, like sometimes i can feel my body get tense and hear my heart beating and then i start to get annoyed because my body doesn’t feel like mine and is not aligned with my mind. it’s like my nervous system isn’t compatible with my physical being because i can feel my body being loud but my head is so calm
#YES.#whenever i say i feel stressed what i actually feel is muscle pain and heartburn it feels like my body evolved to give me pjysical symptoms#instead of emotions because it knows i would just ignore the latter
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when you search npd, the only thing you get is uneducated videos about how to deal with narcissists, how to protect yourself from them, how to destroy them, how to change them, and similar rhetorics. i don’t honestly care or feel any specific emotion because of it but i do think it’s somewhat disappointing yet expected that when one might be looking for help or understanding they are only met with hate and antagonasing. pwnpd are sick and victims of a situation that causes their symptoms.
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