#i think it could be more flavourful but i'm mostly just in it for the Vibes so it's fine

[reachexceedinggrasp]

Hell bent and heaven sent are a tragic love story. Who literally cannot see it? Whouffaldi is not only Canon but it's a parallel to so many of the great gothic romance films of the 80s and 90s.

Yep! idk some people are in denial.

Like obviously it's fine if you just want to see it as platonic and are cool about it. But I'm always blindsided by the goofy comments on youtube videos etc. where they act like the very idea there could be romance there is an insane suggestion. Where they condescend to shippers as if we're delusional for seeing what's there. I'm sorry, if you're going to be confrontational and smugly wrong at the same time, I'm going to point out that you're wrong.

[echthr0s]

you already know <3

[dan-crimes]

I gotta complain abt being a picky eater here for a sec cuz I'm lookin @ all this stuff on the breakfast menu and there's always the SAME ingredients in all these SAME food items and it would be SO much easier if I could just order food without having to think of all the stuff I DON'T want on my food cuz I always gotta put in so much effort to look into every single ingredient in every since food item that I order bcuz I DON'T LIKE MOST FOODS !!! SMHH !!

[veilantares]

Dark at the End of the Tunnel

Sink into an Anglers grasp in a dream, like the undersea the Night cradles screams

Been inspired by anglerfish recently, so I'm going to try to do at few of these dark background ones back to back and see if I stumble into something new. I noticed I tend to draw characters / mechs / robots in these oneshot illustrations extremely lanky, but I wonder if I made a comic, whether I'd keep these exaggerated proportions - I'm often indecisive about how much mech vs character is in these biomechs, so I usually just don't think about it and draw what feels interesting in the moment.

This gives me a chance to lay down a meandering anecdote - many years ago as a dumb teenager, I'd stay awake every Friday evening / saturday morning till 4 am, hoping to catch my favourite developer, Digital Extremes' weekly devstream. I vividly remember during closed beta in 2012 people would introduce the game as being about futuristic space pirates zipping through corridors - the games fidelity back then was really quite different, one of the early warframes, Ember, even had her whole model redone at one point. Around 2013-2014 ish when I was most excited for these streams, I noticed the games tagline was "ninja's play free", nothing at all to do with pirates - but it was catchy, and you'd see all over in the advertising because of the parkour moves you could pull off in the game were genuinely sick.

Incidentally, both the Defiance MMO (rip) and Destiny 1 (rip) were what warframe tended to be compared to at the time, both released a little after warframes closed beta, neither of which were piratey or ninja-ey , I think probably 80% of the reason for that was that they all had both guns and abilites ... I guess they were also all live services, I don't know if they were called that back then.

Compared to Defiance and Destiny, I was puzzled at what it was about warframes identity that made the aesthetic feel "itself" - and I got my answer on one of those devstreams - the art lead at the time brought out what they called a "faction pitch bible" a one pager showing all the factions they had in the game at the time, each of them with a few lines of flavour text.

What struck me from that faction pitch was that the Tenno / warframes "cyber knight" description was nothing at all to do with pirates or ninjas, it was a third, wholly other thing, and yet by virtue of being first, it might as well have been the "true" description.

But there was another original, even more original than the "true", Warframes predecessor game, Dark Sector, was a spy thriller with biomechanical aesthetics, or perhaps a powered suit superhero series. Would this original, more original than even the initial, not be what it truly was?

I think what my takeaway was from all of these, is that first an foremost, the aesthetic is "itself" rather than any arbitrary descriptors - I enjoy this about my own pieces, that they mostly still feel like they were made by me even if I can't quite categorise them or explain myself. Perhaps I'm happy if the takeaway is "cool mech", "weird robot" or "wacky character" because maybe it's all of those things and even more!

[toskarin]

A question of curiosity - assuming you play them due to your involvement with a bunch of them, what are your favourite kinds of characters (be it mechanically or narratively) to play in TTRPGS? And do you have any associated anecdotes to go with them?

courtesy readmore

mechanically kinda depends on what's on the menu, but if it's combat-focused, I personally really enjoy characters who "deny" things

not really the kind of character who I'd ever expect a GM to put in their element on purpose (I usually make a conscious effort to remind the GM of things I'm capable of so that I don't trample on any fun setpieces) but definitely the kind of character who modifies objectives just by being in play. I also like magic-users in concept, but that's more of a flavour thing

I think that's reflected a good bit in the kind of narrative play I enjoy, too. when I make a character, I prefer to do it with the rest of the party in mind, less to make the character "compatible" and more to make them sharply contrast in ways that encourage the other characters to have moments where they can reaffirm who they are (both in narrative and out of narrative)

there's a fine balance to strike here. on one end of things, you risk yes-manning so hard that the party quickly becomes a problem solving engine with a single striking surface. on the other end of the things, you risk being The Chaotic Neutral Guy

the space in the middle there represents the characters that people often want to regularly interact with, but rarely want to play. the sort of character who isn't actively disruptive, but raises a lot of red flags when they suddenly show enthusiastic agreement for what you're doing. the kind of character you almost need a diminished sense of discomfort to play without getting in your own feelings about

I adore playing characters who are catered to find plot hooks in other players' characters and tug them just enough to pull them to the surface

most parties have characters who disagree on things that aren't easily resolved. that's always fun, but (because people courteously tend to avoid conflict) it's very rare for those conflicts to come up without GM prompting, and "create productive conflict between two characters without leaving out the rest of the characters or starting a fight between players" is often an equally uncomfortable situation for a GM

lots of fun directions to take it!

have an arc that would benefit from a character taking charge but their player doesn't feel comfortable just Doing That? it helps to have someone else try to take charge who obviously should not be allowed, just to get everyone behind the alternative

have someone with a pure heart who doesn't really get to show that in a party of players who don't want to be mean? maybe someone who's a little more morally-compromised could give them a window for explaining what they actually believe

have a character who's part of some mysterious cult that nobody else is going to find the time to look into? the party could benefit from having a nosy character to justify cracking open that backstory

GM needs to fuck something up to remind the party of how dangerous things are? why not add to the mood by showing what your often-cold character looks like when something manages to actually upset them

[WARNING: DOING ANY OF THIS WALKS THE PRECARIOUSLY THIN LINE BETWEEN BEING COMPELLING AND BEING ANNOYING]

observant readers (well, those who have followed for a while) might have noticed I periodically go on rants about the much-maligned "evil character in a good party" and how both sides of the argument represent a communication and courtesy breakdown. that also very much ties into this sort of thing. I won't go over Tolerable Villainy 101 again, but you get the idea

distilled, I like playing the sort of thoroughly worldly bastards who often end up important in their own right, but mostly on accident, by virtue of being important to what makes other characters compelling

[cyandreamzaceattorney]

✦ AA girls getting boba tea ✦

A few days ago I felt like drawing Ema, Kay, Maya and Franziska hanging out and drinking boba tea, cuz I really like the idea of these four having a friendship group :-D however, I unfortunately couldn't fit all four characters in so I (mostly) cut Franziska from the pic. Sorry Fran fans! I do love her but, I wanted to draw the other three girls a bit more (cuz that's just the mood I was in) and didn't want to stray away from this specific concept as I felt really inspired to draw them walking while chatting with boba tea.

Overall I do like how this picture came out, even if I definitely rushed it a bit (I think this was mostly because I got hyped over getting time to draw again, cuz I've been busy on and off). Unfortunately I lost my favourite brush liner before doing lineart on this and halfway threw my other liner magically dried up! So that was frustrating but, I worked around it and want to regain confidence in using fine liners so kind of a useful problem lol. I also decided to change up how I draw Kay in my art style a little and I think I like it :3 And, really like the outfits I gave the girls. Even if they are simple. They're also summer outfits because Australia is once again breaking the record for hottest summer (and it's still technically spring (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠)). Fun fact, Ema is wearing a striped shirt as a reference to the stripe motifs in her aai design!

Now time for boba tea hc's cuz why not XD. Maya has a Taro milk tea with the regular black pearls, because it's purple and in my mind Taro and chocolate being her favourite flavours just makes sense. Kay has a iced tea with lychee jelly (mainly cuz I didn't feel like colouring the jelly but I see Kay liking lychee), idk what flavour her tea is, but it's probably a fruit flavour cuz in my experience ice teas are often fruit flavours. I also have the random hc that whenever Kay gets boba around Miles she gets a weird combo (e.g. chocolate milk tea with green apple pearls) just to see his upset reaction lol.

Ema and Franziska also have boba, you just can see it cuz Ema has them in a shopping bag which Kay is in front of. As for flavours, Ema's is definitely chocolate milk tea cuz her snacks in the English version of the games seem to be similar to tee vee snacks (idk if tee vee snacks are a thing in us, if they aren't they are small long cookies cotted in chocolate, kinda like pocky but much shorter, but thicker and fully coated) though I can also see her getting brown sugar with black pearls. Franziska I could see getting something like the regular tea flavour (which is called "Thai tea" or "original flavour" depending on the boba shop I go to) with no pearls or jelly because in my mind she doesn't like them :P, in general I don't think she'd like a lot of sweet flavours but that's because I hc her as not liking sweet food for no logical reason, my brain has simply decided this ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Hope you all enjoy this drawing and my super austic ramble about what boba tea I think these fictional characters drink XD

Next traditional drawing will be in a new sketcbook as I'm almost finished this one (and the last pages won't be as fanart so I won't post them here). I'm shocked cuz I haven't finished a sketchbook in less than a year for several years now! But this makes sense because I drew a lot this year for several reasons :-P

[nipuni]

Some various lighthearted life updates 🏃‍♀️

It's been a very busy last few months! in a good way mostly. We had a friend visiting us from overseas so we showed him around the city and took him to all our favourite places. We also met new people and were invited to a bunch of events so it's been very fun! We are all out of social battery tho so now we are slowing down a bit and getting back to work. Nicolas is on a short work trip to Berlin and I'm back to painting. We also started running! aaand we are also back to watching a bunch of shows and to me talking about it here to like five people 😌

Under the cut cause it's a lot as usual!

We finished watching S13 of Doctor Who! (we still have the specials to go but after that we are all caught up!) I haven't updated in ages so here are lot of opinions!

We really did not enjoy S11 😞 I was aware it wasn't very popular but we were hoping it was for all the wrong reasons, sadly we found many to be valid. Some of the episodes were baffling, Rosa? Kerblam?! the writing of the whole season in general felt like a rushed school assignment. The first part of Spyfall was a strong start for the next season but that ending in the second part was really not it. We did love Sacha Dhawan's Master tho!! and we really love Jodie too, 13th is adorable and reminded us of Ten at times! Jodie is such a fantastic actress that it makes the quality of the writing and everything else around her even more frustrating 😫 S12 was an improvement in general. In the last few episodes It felt like the writing team suddenly remembered the companions could have a personality and agency lmao. Highlights for us were Spyfall one, Fugitive of the Judoon and Haunting of villa Diodati, tho we did also enjoy most other episodes of the season despite their issues.

The timeless child plot reveal felt a bit underwhelming? The idea on itself has potential but it felt mishandled (and it had a bit of a Moffat flavour to it? and not in a good way). I think it was meant to add more depth to the Doctor's lore but in a way it ends up having the opposite effect. Then the flux was just a complete mess. It read like a Marvel sort of plot, very comic book like which is alright I suppose if that is something you enjoy but it felt out of place. But mostly it was just way too much, it got out of hand. Anyway we still have the specials to watch! and I think the Master is in them so we are looking forward to it 🥰

We also watched Broadchurch!! and we LOVED it. We ended up binging all three seasons. Chibnall's writing on this is surprisingly great and Jodie's acting is spectacular she really shines here. Olivia and David are always brilliant!! honestly everyone's acting was amazing. This series had us both tearing up every five scenes. The direction and the music are outstanding. I could watch Hardy and Miller solve crimes forever I really love their chemistry and dynamic. We went into it expecting the usual detective fiction but it ended up being a whole study on grief with such a focus on family and community and trauma and a ton of touching interconnected character arcs, just really really good!!

Then we also watched Taking over the Asylum!! MAN we were not expecting to have our hearts wrung out like laundry by this!! We thought it was a lighthearted show!! GOD we are still not over it, what the fuck!! It was so good we loved it!! but we were not prepared lmao what do you mean 'the end'?? we'll be thinking of this for months, I was expecting an extra scene after the credits or something. Excellent characters, refreshing depictions of mental illness and trauma and so crushingly realistic. Every character is so loveable I really wish this was longer 😭

And our quest to watch everything with David Tennant on it continues. We watched Decoy Bride on Valentines day too and it was terrible but such a hilarious fever dream kind of bad that it was fun, it has David on it and he never disappoints. I feel so lucky that Nicolas and I are both in love with him, get yourself a man who shares your celebrity crushes lmao it's so fun!! We feel like teens again chatting about him and drawing little hearts next to his pictures haha 🥰 We watched the BAFTAs just for him and speaking of the baftas!! I was not expecting that last drawing of his outfits to get that much attention oh my god 😭 thank you!! you are all insane and I appreciate it so much!! and thank you for all the support in general, about my art and photos and just everything. I feel very lucky and grateful 😭 anyway I'll end this before I get sappy, that is all for now! I hope this week is kind to you all, I'll be sharing some more art soon 😊

[ask-rain-world-characters]

To all scugs, tea or coffee??

And depending on which you pick, do you have a favourite type, be it hot or cold, or different flavours?

Survivor's Answer:

Monk's Answer:

Hunter's Answer:

Watcher's Answer:

Gourmand's Answer:

Artificer:

Rivulet's Answer:

Spearmaster's Answer:

Saint's Answer:

Enot's Answer:

Transcripts below:

Survivor: “Depends on my mood, honestly, but I do love me some espresso. Earl tea is fine, but it's little too... uhh... exquisite for me. It's nice on occasion, though!”

Monk: "Tea... *Monk takes a slow, thoughtful sip from a steaming cup of tea, eyes soft with contentment. Tea feels like a friend—quiet, steady, always there to remind you to breathe. Coffee might give you strength in the moment, but tea... it gives you peace. That’s what I need most. And it does taste quite delicious"

Hunter: - “Tea? Coffee? I don’t think I’ve tried them before… I think my friend Saint has some. Saint, May I have some tea?” - “Alright but it is quite bitter.” - “Nonsense! I, the great Hunter, am accustomed to many tastes! Good and bad.” *sips a drink *coughs uncontrollably “Mmmm! It’s so good! I like it’s- cough! Ugh… everything!” - “I told you.” - “Oh god! It has the charm of a not so venomous spider!” *continues to cough "...now that I've tried tea, which is, uhm... really good, I-I think I'll try coffee next. I have some right here! Alright... three, two..." *sips a drink *coughs uncontrollably yet again "Mmmm! Delicious! It's like... argh... if I - if I kiss the a... a really nice Red Lizard, on the aaa-" *coughing intensifies

Watcher: " Although I drink more tea, I enjoy both tea and coffee equally. For coffee I mostly like Cappuccino... though it's more like cacao than actual coffee. But for tea I enjoy all kinds of it, especially the holiday focused ones. I also like to drink teas made by Gourmand.... although it worries me what he's gonna add next... ."

Gourmand: I have quite a deep admiration for both! There are lots of options for the flavoring of these drinks, and there's even more, when it comes to types! Yet, we are often missing a lot, so we have to make do, with what we get. Despite that, I still appreciate them very much. I mainly use them to accentuate the calm and peaceful moments - for which, tea is better, so that would be my personal pick. Especially since its flavor is much closer to the things I'm used to. I've seen others take some coffee before a hunting or gathering tour, but I'd prefer to just sleep more.

Artificer: "I much prefer coffee, the taste of tea disgusts me to no end. Plus the bitterness that comes with coffee is a nice palette changer from eating meat all the time."

Rivulet: "Coffee all the way baby, taste is like no other! People say it wakes you up but weirdly enough it makes me drowsier... How odd, I typically have it hot, and I don't really get espressos, which do kind of wake me up from it's strong taste. Maybe I should have more of them, could help me get an energy boost."

Spearmaster: "More of a tea guy personally, and I don't have a preference on whether or not it's hot or cold. What I will say is I really like the particularly fruity and citrusy flavors, herbal ones are pretty nice however and help in calming me down."

Saint: "I'm partial to hot tea myself. I find the combination of the subtle flavor and the temperature to be rather soothing."

Enot: "Oh neither, I don't like hot drinks and the only cold drink I need is...hold on" *audible button click 'Kevin MacLeod - Carefree' but slowed down by 52% starts playing "Try some Five Pebbsi! The number one way to supply your body with nutrients it really needs in the fastest time, especially if you're a GAMER like myself and don't touch grass! Well I mean you cant blame me, the grass is lethal here! 100% vegan friendly and full of all new fantastic flavors like Train Lizard, Cheese and I don't even know what this one is called but this label is yellow which means its probably good, I mean just look how many are in my mini fridge!" *audible fridge opening noises "And if you use the code 'GOODNIGHT GAMER' in the next week, you can get 20% off your next purchase, so try some Five Pebbsi, your body will be kissing you for your good deeds in no time!"

[total-drama-brainrot]

World Tour Assistant Noah AU (where he is always an assistant):

After the gross kiss failed to stop Alejandro's flirting... Noah begs Duncan to convince Alejandro, that Noah is too dorky to date... but Duncan has an even better idea; make Alejandro jealous for fun!

(In this AU, Duncan and Courtney had broken up before Season 3, so Duncan isn't a cheater!)

Duncan: "Thanks for letting me return to the show, handsome.~" 😘

(Duncan kisses Assistant Noah's cheek.)

Alejandro: "Duncan, I will DESTROY you!" 😡

Noah: "I just want to be left alone!" 🙄

Wait hold on... hold on... this is just the premise of my favourite Dunnoah fic series but with an assistant Noah twist. And extra Alenoah flavouring. That's not to say I'm against the idea.

Though I can't really imagine Duncan ever committing himself to flirting with Noah unless the two had struck up a deal prior- Duncan's that specific brand of 2000s era bigoted where being seen as anything but straight is a social crime (despite the fact that Duncan is definitely a boykisser, just in denial), but he's also aware of just how much of a threat Alejandro is in the competition and the latino's huge obvious crush on Chris' personal assistant, so I think Duncan could push aside his own internal biases to at the very least propose a similar idea to Noah.

Really, it'd be beneficial for the both of them; Noah gets to subtly-not-so-subtly tell Alejandro to back off by responding to Duncan's advances but not his, and Duncan gets to rile up Alejandro enough to redivert his attention away from the competition itself thus increasing his own chances of winning. It's strategic, really, nothing more.

It's that line of logic that has Noah eventually conceding that, for all intents and purposes, it's a good plan. So he deigns to play along, at least for a little bit, just to get Alejandro off of his back.

And, canonically, they're both shown to be at least half-decent at flirting, so whatever displays they have planned to annoy Alejandro would be just convincing enough to really get under his skin. Especially since Alejandro's shown in canon to be the protective/possessive type (mostly in All-Stars, in how he reacts to José insulting Heather) and likely wouldn't take too kindly to Duncan swooping in on "his amor" or whatever Spanish nickname he'd substitute it with.

Which all eventually leads to the scenario you proposed; Duncan plants a wet one on Noah's cheek and Alejandro sees red.

Noah's already exhausted by default, but feels weariness seep into the marrow of his bones as a seething Alejandro glares poisonous daggers towards Duncan, who's committed enough to their little ruse to in turn shoot a wink and a pair of finger guns towards the assistant. Deciding that he isn't paid nearly enough to deal with the inevitable confrontation between the two idiots who've apparently taken an interest in him (Duncan's, of course, being a known ruse), Noah leaves to go and do his actual job.

...

And then, Alejandro confronts Duncan directly in the Economy cabin, claiming that he doesn't deserve to so much as look at Noah, and that he (Alejandro) was the one Noah kissed and therefore the object of his attraction so Duncan better lay off. This is news to the punk, and adds a whole new layer of complexity to their plan. And perhaps something he can later exploit to give himself a leg up in the competition.

But why does the idea of Noah kissing Alejandro make his chest tighten up with envy?

And then maybe Duncan finds the untamed passion of Alejandro's genuine fury kind of hot and he too enters the metaphorical boxing ring of feelings? Aledunnoah endgame? The intern server has been posting a lot of Aleduncan lately so letting those two get together (and with Noah in there too, as a bonus) just seems natural to my brain at this point.

[echoes-of-mia]

okay this is a long ramble and kinda personal, so bear with me, but i want to talk about being aspec in the joker out fandom bc I'm full of emotions and i need to share them somewhere

(just a short warning for internalised aphobia before i go on)

for context, i identify as aspec, more specifically asexual and some flavour of aromantic. I've known about the ace part for about 3-4 years now, the aro part is more recent and I'd say that before, lets say, a couple of months ago, I'd always seen that as something negative, something that makes me miserable, a deficit that will always be there and that others will never understand

and then i joined the (tumblr) joker out fandom around... june of last year, probably? and at first i thought "theres no way there are many queer people in this fandom, its essentially a boyband, and other aspec people? no way"

well, oh boy was i wrong

because not only is this fandom, like what, 90% queer? (i know someone made a poll at some point but i dont remember the percentages) but it's also around 50% aspec. and there's just this general positivity and support surrounding the a-spectrum in the fandom. like, some days ago there was an aphobic comment somewhere and before i even saw it my dash was FLOODED with people defending aspec people and i was just sitting in the kitchen reading through the posts and crying.

and yes, this is tumblr, i could have seen this coming and it's probably different on other platforms, but so many aspec people in one place, in one fandom, is still something that I've never experienced before.

so why are so many aspec people drawn to a slovenian indie/shagadelic rock band that, at first glance, is just 5 very good-looking probably-straight guys making music? that doesnt really make sense, right?

and then you see how much more they are. how they interact with each other. how comfortable they are in their sexualities, in their masculinity, in being themselves. you see a group of friends that love each other so unashamedly it's a bit unbearable to watch sometimes. you don't see them holding back because "thats not their partner!" or "that's reserved for romantic relationships!", you just see love. you see them supporting each other, being physically affectionate, looking out for each other, laughing together, even living together. vse kar vem could easily be a romantic song, but it's about their friendship!!

and what is all of that, if not THE dream of many aspec people? to be okay with not feeling sexual or romantic attraction because you have your group of friends that you love the same amount as allosexual/-romantic people love their partner(s) and to show it, and to know that they love you the same (and won't replace you with romantic partners) because they also show it, without thinking twice about it, without thinking about how others might interpret your relationship because it just doesn't matter as long as you love each other.

so of course aspec people see themselves in joker out. we see hope for ourselves in them, we are probably a little (or in my case very) jealous of their friendship, we want what they have or we just love to finally see real people live with the sort of affection we would like to have. (just to clarify, this is based mostly on what i feel, so other aspecs might feel completely different about this, idk why I'm trying to generalise this)

and this is about all five of them, but to take jan and nace as an obvious example: they love each other so much that the fans start to speculate, and they know about it. but instead of hiding their affection, they just keep on doing what they're doing. because they know how they feel for each other, and it's no one else's business, and they won't be stopping their love just because of "conspiracy theories". and to me it doesn't matter how they love each other (platonic, romantic, whatever), it matters that they do and that you can't help but notice it, because they show it in every interaction we see of them. the damon baker photoshoot just confirmed that, they look at each other and the amount of love makes me cry, it's so incredibly beautiful.

(just some other things i want to mention: them probably cooking mostly potatoes because nace is glutenfree. nace calming down bojan after his panic attack in summer. jan and bojan casually kissing on the lips during a concert. the jure and bojan getting married photoshoot. bojan touching kris's hair during concerts. kris being carried around during a photoshooting. jure and jan drawing a heart together. them gathering around jure's drumset during concerts. i could go on but for my sanity and yours i won't, there are so many moments that just make me soft)

I'd love to be more physically affectionate with my friends, but every time there's this voice in the back of my head saying what society has conditioned it to say, which is that that kind of affection is reserved for romantic relationships, and this voice stops me every time. i feel like bojan, jan, jure, kris and nace either don't have that voice (anymore?) or they've just managed to ignore it, they don't hold back and i admire that as much as i wish i could be like that.

and while i still have a long way to go until i can be affectionate with my friends without worrying about it or holding myself back, joker out have shown me that it's possible, because of them i finally have days on which i think that i can be aspec and actually happy about it. being aspec finally feels as freeing as it should feel and I'm just grateful

joker out has allowed so much queer joy into my life without intending to and although i don't think anyone i know irl will ever understand this, i hope that some of you can relate to this in some way.

I've said this a lot during the past two weeks but i can never say it enough: all the love to my fellow aspecs, and also to all the non-aspec people who support us <3

feel free to add to this if you want to; my dms are always open if you want to talk about it without posting about it, i love hearing other people's thoughts about stuff like this ^^

[the-apocalypse-is-upon-us]

Okay, I think Im getting what you're saying. Thanks for assuming good faith in my ask. That sentence about Nagito being very very obsessed with the Ultimates. I think that's another case of people relying on their old memories of danganronpa (if they even played the game) + fandom mesh + fandom characterization. It bugs me too when people treat their vision of the characters like the "real" one, the only one, and especially- like you said- if they cant be bothered to research what theyre talking about.

Yeah, lool! And, don't worry, i understand which sentence you mean! Still seeing that characterisation prevail even today, even amongst so called 'fans' of him, is pretty frustrating and one of the main reasons of me making that post. I think Nagito mostly suffers from pathologisation, meaning the fans see his extreme beliefs and the fact that he is definitely supposed to be some flavour of neurodivergent/ mentally ill and they make it all about how "it's soo sad how poor Nagito has only those beliefs to give meaning in his life 🥺" completely ignoring that 1. No, he doesn't, 2. Believing that literally takes his agency away, making so all his perceived 'flaws' are just him being 'brainwashed' towards the system (all the characters are, he just lays his beliefs more openly than others in a way that could be taken as 'unerving') and 3. He wasn't created in a vacuum, and i think in some cases it's helpful to examine the creator's own biases when it comes to their works, especially when it's about a marginalised identity (people with mental/neurological disorders) he has misrepresented before, e.g. Toko and Syo as an example of D.I.D. I also think that a lot of it has to do with the fandom desperately trying to fit Nagito within an established 'archetype', whether they like him or dislike him, which is an imoossible task considering his complexity in almost all his aspects, but usually within his 'fans' the archetype i see most of is 'poor, mentally unwell baby who doesn't know what's best for himself other than manipulating others, and needs big alpha Hajime to protect him and coddle him 🥺' which is... Not only an insulting fucking take but I literally can't see where the poor, inferiority complex Nagito is coming from other than like...ableism, like at this point they havent played the game lol. Anyway, I'm glad i could clear things up, and if you want to continue talking about certain character takes and whatnot, feel free to keep sending asks or even dm me! I am always happy to have a convo about these things! :⁠^⁠)

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

Somebody to Heal, Somebody to Hold

(Joel Miller x dispensary! reader)

Chapter 2: Silver Haze

Chapter 1 here || Chapter 3 here || Main Masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x dispensary! reader, AU (no outbreak) Word count: 5.6K Rating: 18+ minors DNI, will be changed to explicit in future chapters (slow burn, eventual smut), swearing, explicit discussions of drug use, age gap (reader is early 20s and Joel is late 40s) Summary: Joel can't rely on pills anymore for his back pain, so his doctor prescribes him medicinal marijuana. But he's not happy about it. A/N: PEEPAW IS FINALLY GETTING HIGH Y'ALL. 🍃 🔥 💨

This chapter was fun to write and I'm really pleased with how it turned out. Thank to you anyone who has expressed interest in this silly little story and wants to see more. I doubt my writing capabilities pretty much every single day on this site, and often wonder if it's worth it to keep writing, but I still wanted to indulge in this story. Mostly, cause I'm selfish and would throw myself in front of a moving vehicle if it meant getting to smoke weed with Pedro, and more specifically our grumpy texan gentleman, Mr. Joel Miller. An enormous thank you to @iamasaddie for beta'ing, and your constant words of encouragement when I start to doubt myself in the slightest, you are my heartbeat ❤️

Hope y'all enjoy, please comment, reblog and let me know what you think! 😇

It’s been less than a day. 18 hours to be exact, since he came home from the dispensary with his illicit, but also legal drugs. The bag filled with the package of joints sits in the middle of his kitchen table. He eyed it as he leaned up against the counter drinking his coffee, and while he ate his breakfast at the table in contemplative silence that morning. 

This shouldn’t be such a big deal. He’s a grown man for crying out loud. He can buy drugs if he wants to. Not that he necessarily wanted to. Purchasing medicinal marijuana was the furthest thing from Joel’s mind when he ran through possible options of dealing with his pain problems. Really, he is just surprised with himself that he actually went through with the doctor’s suggestion. 

He doesn’t know if he should feel relieved, or guilty, or a little curious. Maybe all of the above. 

He wished he could have someone to talk to who has personally tried it before. Aside from Doctor Barclay, he didn’t really have anyone at all. His buddies would probably either: A) tell him he just needed to sleep off the pain, drink something heavy to knock himself out or work through the pain- which, if he’s being honest with himself, is precisely what he would have done if not for that sharp twinge in his back that makes him want to curl up in the fetal position. Or B) they would try to get him to take something stronger and undoubtedly more illicit. He doesn’t know how, hell he doesn’t wanna know how, but some of his buddies manage to get their hands on cocaine or acid. Sometimes they don’t even bother till they get off the jobsite after a long day, often snorting up or popping pills in their truck and then driving to a shitty dive bar they plan on occupying for the rest of the night. 

Nope. He didn’t need that. He felt like enough of a delinquent already. He stops drumming his fingers on the table and sighs, tilting his head to the side contemplatively. 

“Ah fuck it”

He grabs the bag and reaches into it, pulling out the carton with the pre-rolls, leaving the receipt in the bag. The label reads ‘Back Forty’s Moonberry’ in an almost psychedelic font, with deep purple letters. Turning the little box over in his hand, he squints at the description on the back.

“Back Forty’s Moonberry Rolls are powerful hybrid cross pre-rolls that offer big hits of flavour and an even burn. A nice, mellow and sweet way to start and/or finish your day, relaxation is guaranteed with these. Packed with a re-sealable film to ensure freshness after multiple sessions or on-the-go. Take a trip and relax with the Back Forty.”

“Take a trip and relax?” Joel huffed. That kind of trip sounded anything but relaxing. Anxiety starts to claw its way up his throat. 

What if something happened? What if he reacted badly to the weed or ended up taking more than he should? There were no specific instructions. What if it just didn’t fucking work in general? 

The doctor's words rang loudly in his head. He knew this was an option, an ‘alternate method’ as Dr. Barclay so delicately put it. But if this didn’t make the pain go away and he couldn’t take more prescription medication, what then? 

He leaned back in seat and groaned, staring up at the ceiling. He could try one. Just one. But if it tasted like shit or he didn’t like it, then what? He didn’t want to be stuck with the whole pack and he doubted there was much of a return policy on opened products at the dispensary, seeing as the merchandise was already consumed. 

Before his thoughts could snowball any further he snatched the carton of joints and shoved it back in the bag. “Fuck this,” he grumbled, grabbing his coat off the back of his chair as he made his way to the front door, the tiny plastic bag clutched in his other hand. 

—------------------------------------------------------

It didn’t take long for Joel to reach the dispensary. When he pulled into the parking lot, he turned off the ignition and sat in his truck for a minute. One minute turned to five minutes as he bit his lip, his left hand still firmly holding onto the plastic bag. He felt like he was forgetting something.  Reaching into his coat pocket absentmindedly he felt his wallet and his phone. Digging into the other pocket he paused as he felt his fingers run over a small tactile shape. He pulled it out and held it upright in his palm. The free lighter you gave him. 

He rolled it over in his hand, looking at the store name printed on shiny cheap plastic, his thumb running over the rounded edges. He flicked the lighter once, and with a crisp snap, a small flame erupted, burning brightly. 

His mind drifts to you. You were kind and patient with him, despite probably thinking he was a creep or some kind of fucking narc with how awkward he was. He feels heat rise to his cheeks as he recalls your soft eyes and warm, inviting demeanour. Maybe it's possible you were working again today. If that was the case he could just go in, explain to you that there was a mixup and return the pre-rolls, then buy a bottle of Tylenol on the way home, and wash it down a handful with a double whiskey, sealing his fate. 

Fuck the weed. Fuck the back pain. Fuck the cholesterol. End of story.

His palm curls around the lighter as he steels himself and gets out of the car, still holding onto the plastic bag.  He strides through the front door and is surprised to see the check in desk is empty, with only the '18+ ONLY PERMITTED ENTRY' sign on the desk. 

At this point, he would be content to just drop the bag off at the register and head back out with his pride still in tow. Forget getting a refund. 

“Hey! Back so soon?”

He looks up as he walks through the second set of doors into the shop and slows in his tracks as he sees you. 

“Joel, right?” 

You’re fixing a display case off to the side. He can’t help but let his gaze wander down your body. When he came in yesterday you were standing behind the register so all he could really see was the nondescript black t-shirt you wore with the dispensary logo over the chest. 

Today you’re wearing the same shirt with plain black leggings that hug the curve of your hips and your ass. Nothing special, but still Joel feels his mouth go dry and the blood starts to rush south in his body.

He pauses and squints slightly. Wait, you remembered his name?

“Uh yeah. How’d you-” 

“Photographic memory, thanks to being the doorman.” You reply simply.

You head back behind the register and lean your forearms on the counter, flashing him a dazzling smile. “So, what can I help you with today? Looking for more pre-rolls? Some edibles?”

At this point you could sell him anything and he would buy it, with the smile you’re giving him. Hell, you could give him 15 more of those cheap tiny lighters and he would happily take them. Maybe he doesn’t really need to return the pre-rolls, he could always just leave them.

You spot the small bag clutched in his hand before he can hide it and raise your eyebrows at him. 

“Actually, I uh,” he pauses, “I wanted to return these, if that’s okay.” He places the bag on the counter and pulls his hand back quickly, as if it burned him, his eyes flitting to yours before looking away again.

“Oh sure, no problem.” You pull out the unopened pack of joints and the receipt. “Were you not a fan of these, or did you maybe want to try something else?” 

“Uhm, just wasn’t a fan of them, didn’t think I’d like them..” He mumbles and shoves his hands in his coat pocket.

You’re in the middle of reversing the transaction at the register when your finger hovers over the keyboard, mid-type. “Didn’t like them? It looks like you didn’t try them though,” you quirk a brow at him and tilt your head to the side. “How do you know you don’t like them if you didn’t try them?” 

“Well I, uh-” he frowns as he tries to think of a response.

Christ. He’s not getting out of this without swallowing his pride and admitting the truth. His anxiety hits him full force, and you must see him start to backpedal cause you speak up again.

“Hey it’s okay, you can always try something else. How do you feel about edibles? Or drinks?” 

No. He just wants to forget that this entire situation happened.

“No, no it’s okay,” he vehemently shakes his head and starts to back away from the counter, “I’ll just look into some other options.” Even as he straightens his back and starts to retreat, he feels that nagging pinch shoot up his spine and he clenches his jaw.

“Joel, have you never smoked before? It’s okay if you haven’t” You’re looking up at him intently with those bright eyes, concern etched into your features.

Well, there’s no way out now.

He sighs in defeat and looks down at the ground. “No, I haven’t. Guess that much is obvious,” he remarks as he puts his hands on his hips, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“That’s completely normal, trust me” you reassure him as you lean closer over the counter, planting your palms on either side of you.

He snorts. “Yeah right.”

“It’s true! Before you came in the other day I cashed out a kid who looked like he was barely legal. He came in looking like a deer in headlights. We get customers every day who have never consumed marijuana a day in their life, not just potheads.”

He eyes you warily, still biting the inside of his cheek.

“It’s not a big deal Joel really. Is… Is there anything you’re worried about happening?”

He’ll have to tell you now. Tell you that he’s really just a big middle-aged wimp who’s too afraid to get stoned and deal with his pain problems. 

“I.. I’ve just never tried it before, that’s all,” he shrugs plainly, “I don’t know what to expect. I mean, I know you said it’ll help with the pain and all, help me be more relaxed but I’m just worried I’ll get addicted or overdose, or somethin’ will happen…” 

“Jesus,” he runs his hand over his face, “it’s fucking stupid.”

“No, no it’s not.” You cut him off before he continues. “Those are perfectly reasonable things to think about, if you’ve never smoked before. Many people worry the same thing.”

“First of all, it is possible to get addicted,” you explain cautiously, “But you would have to be consuming it nearly every day, all day before it reaches a point where you can’t function without it. And that usually happens with strains that are high in THC, the psychoactive stuff that gets you high.”

“But,” you emphasize upon seeing him tense up, “these pre-rolls you purchased are pretty low in THC, so it’s very unlikely you would get addicted, even if you smoked 'em everyday. You don’t have to worry about that.” At that he relaxes and shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

“Secondly, it is not possible to overdose on weed. Not even the strongest weed. I mean, I’m no fucking scientist and they haven’t conducted any studies on it or anything, but there have been no reported overdose deaths due to marijuana consumption,” You wink at him.

He huffs out an exhale, giving you a hint of a smile. “That makes it a bit better.”

“If you’re still really worried about it, I could show you if you want. To smoke that is,” you add on quickly. “I know it’s nerve wracking to try it on your own for the first time, and it can be better if you’re with someone, y’know, just in case something happens or you don’t like it.” 

“Really?" He looks at you expectantly with rounded eyes. "You’d do that?”

“Yeah, I get off my shift here at 5 so I could do it after?” You bite your lip and look up at him bashfully. He tracks the movement, watching your tongue peek out to soothe your bottom lip.

“Sure, that’d be great. Where should we meet?”

“We could always go to a park or something nearby. But even though weed is legalized, I feel weird smoking it in public places around families and young kids and stuff. And you’d have to drive home afterwards, which is not a good idea.” You scrunch your brows and bite your lip again as you try to think of other spots. 

Joel tries to ignore how cute you look with your brows pulled together like that. He also tries to ignore the way his pulse kicks up as he watches you bite your lip, imagining other scenarios that could cause you to bite your lips like that again.

“Uhm, you could come to my place?” Immediately he sees the hesitation wash across your face and realizes how that sounds as soon as the request leaves his mouth. You aren’t stupid. He’s a complete stranger to you. 

“Sorry. I mean,” he backtracks. “It’s just me and my daughter at home, although she’s away at college right now. My neighbors aren’t particularly nosy but they’re usually not home either. We can go on the back patio, it’s covered and I got tables and chairs and stuff. ”

And stuff. Jesus. 

It’s like he’s 18 years old again, with marbles in his mouth, unable to form a coherent sentence. 

Something about mentioning Sarah seems to put your mind at ease as he sees your shoulders lower as you shift your weight from one hip to the other. You chuckle and give him a smirk.

“That sounds good. I can meet you there, does 5:30 work?”

“Yeah, yeah that works. Thanks.” He ducks his head and gives you a small smile.

“Alright well I’ll see you then.”

He turns to leave before you call him again, holding the small plastic bag up. “You’ll still need these, otherwise we won’t get very far,” you wink at him.

“Right. Yeah that would help,” he chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “I’ll see you then.” He grabs the bag from you and gives you one last smile before he heads out the store.  

—------------------------------------------------------------

Surprisingly, Joel didn’t live that far, probably a 12 minute drive from the dispensary. That didn’t mean that you took your time though, going the speed limit and dragging out the drive as it dawned on you how weird this scenario was.

He was a customer. And he was way older than you. Something that should have bothered you more than it actually did, which is to say not that much at all. It just made you hopelessly more attracted to him.

As much as he seemed sweet from the two interactions you had, plus the unmistakable way you caught his gaze raking over your body, the rational part of your brain still questioned what you were doing. He didn’t live alone, not technically. You were surprised to learn he had a daughter, but he also didn’t mention having a wife or a girlfriend. Not that it was any of your business. Nevertheless, you tucked that piece of information into the back of your mind as you pulled up to his place. 

He had a nice, modest house, at least from what you could tell when he answered the front door with a soft smile. He led you around to the back to the surprisingly large backyard, but what impressed you the most was the wooden deck which featured a nice patio set, complete with overflowing planters, a cute coffee table, and outdoor string lights that were hung up overhead.

You noticed some plastic butterfly fairy lights hanging off of a few deck posts and railings, their colors faded after years of weathering. Running your fingers along the molded ornaments you looked at him and smiled, “nice touch.”

He smirked, shaking his head. “My daughter, Sarah, insisted on putting them up as soon as we finished the deck a couple years ago.”

“You built this?” You look around incredulously. “It’s really nice. Like straight out of a Home Depot catalog.”

At that he puffs out his chest slightly and shoves his hands in his pocket. “Eh, I don't know about that. When I’m not working a job and got spare time, I try to do stuff around the house. This was a quick project one summer,” he shrugs noncommittally. 

“A quick project? You built a whole new part of your house Joel,” you raise your eyebrows at him as you sit down on the couch. Still, he brushes off the compliments and asks you if you want anything to drink. Moments later, you’re both sitting on the couch, two glasses of water and the pre rolls on the coffee table, along with the lighter and a small ashtray you brought. Another small cheap item from the dispensary with the logo on it, that no one would likely notice had gone missing.

He shuffles beside you momentarily. You can feel his nerves creeping back as he fidgets and leans forward, resting his arms on his knees. 

God he’s so .. big. You can feel the couch cushion dip underneath his weight beside you. His shoulders dwarf the space between you. It doesn’t help that with him being this close you can faintly smell him. The lingering scent of sandalwood, and a sharpness to whatever body wash he uses swirls together in a heady concoction that has your brain short circuiting. 

You already knew he was attractive from the moment he walked into the dispensary. But now, getting a chance to drink him in, you’re incredibly flustered. His deep brown eyes are easy enough to get lost in, as are his high cheekbones, aquiline nose, and strong jaw. A jaw peppered with gray stubble and a few sparse patches, that he’s currently tensing as he looks down in front of him. Your gaze follows his to the opened package of joints that are sitting on the coffee table in front of you.

“So what do we, uhm, where do we start?” He looks from the stuff on the table to you.

“Well, there’s really only one step with these pre rolls, you just light 'em up and inhale, and let the relaxation kick in.”

“Seems easy enough,” he gives you a small smirk.

Reaching forward, you pluck one of the slim joints off the table and you grab the lighter as well. The free lighter you gave him. 

“Have you ever smoked a cigarette before?” You hold the joint between your index and middle finger, turning to look at him.

He scrunches his face slightly and his brows furrow. “Yeah, long time ago though, not since college. Back when this stuff was still illegal anyway.”

You can’t really imagine young Joel in college. He must have been handsome. That much you were willing to bet money on.

“So basically the Woodstock, hippie, peace and love era?” you ask him with a smirk.

“Now, I may be old but I ain’t that fuckin senile” he squints his eyes at you, but there’s a small smile pulling at the side of his mouth. You bite your lip and smile at him.

“Well, not much has changed since then. You light it, and start to inhale as the flame catches and the weed starts burning. Don’t inhale too much but try to hold that smoke in your chest for a couple seconds, don’t exhale right away. The longer you hold in your breath, the quicker your body absorbs the cannabinoids in the weed.”

He looks at you intently as you explain it to him, but you can still see a bit of confusion on his face, so you elaborate.

“Cannabinoids meaning the THC and CBD, the stuff that cause you to feel relaxed and high”

He nods and you place the joint between your lips, raising your hand to light it, as you inhale deeply, the faint crackling sound of the paper and herb burning. The smoke slowly fills your lungs as they expand, and you let your eyes go heavy as you savor the earthy, fruity taste of the herb as it burns. 

You pull the joint away and let your mouth fall slightly open, holding some smoke in your chest as the rest of it falls out of your mouth in an opaque cloud, curling out into random tendrils before it disperses in the air. Exhaling, you turn to Joel and reach your hand out, offer the joint.

He blinks at you a few times. There’s something in his gaze, something heated that you catch, before they refocus and he looks down at the joint in between your fingers. You can see him hesitate again as he stares at the joint.

You duck your head slightly to meet his eyesight. 

“Hey, you can take as much or as little as you��d like Joel. Start off with a small pull and see how it feels.” You say, not pressing him any further than that, as thin wisps of smoke curl upwards between you two from the joint. 

He looks at you again, his eyes are big and round, like the cutest fucking puppy dog ever. The crease between his eyebrows disappears, as does the frown that seemed permanently etched on his face. It’s almost like he’s asking you for permission. You tilt your chin upwards slightly in encouragement and smile.

“Alright.” He takes the joint from you, mimicking how you held it, bringing it to his lips and looking at you as he inhales.  His eyes squint and he frowns slightly as he pulls from it, his broad chest puffing out a bit, the embers at the lit end of the joint glowing. He heeds your instructions, holding the smoke in his chest for a few seconds before exhaling, and you nod in approval. 

Fuck. 

You expected that maybe that he would wrinkle his face in disgust right away, or start coughing obscenely the moment the smoke entered his lungs. The usual things that beginner smokers do. 

But what you’re definitely not expecting is how fucking attractive Joel looks while smoking. Or rather, how attractive he makes smoking look. Either way you’re mesmerized by the way he casually holds the joint between his thick index and middle fingers, the way the smoke pours out from between his lips. Even the way he turns his head away from you so that he doesn’t exhale in your direction. He smokes like he’s done it multiple times before. 

You snap yourself out of your daze when he raises his eyebrows at you, his hand stretched out to you offering the joint. Narrowing your gaze at him, you take it from his hand, your fingers, brushing against his.

“You smoke like a veteran Joel. Are you sure this is your first time?” Eyeing him suspiciously, you bring the joint to your lips and pull from it again, this time holding the smoke in for a bit longer, allowing it to fill your lungs.

You can feel the moment that the high starts to creep up on you. The moment that the THC starts to permeate your bloodstream. Everything slows down, flooding your system with a hazy warmth and lightness. Your head is a bit light and you feel your body begin to buzz, as if every part of you is vibrating with mellow energy while you exhale. 

Joel makes the sign of the cross over his chest and leans back, settling into the couch. 

“I promise darlin, first time.” He replies in that warm fucking Southern drawl.

Darlin. 

God. The word slips out of his mouth like molasses, caressing your skin, as you feel your body heat up ever so slightly. You wet your lips, the dryness of cotton mouth hitting you with full force as you watch Joel spread his legs, the further he reclines back and relaxes into his seat.

The downright thirst you’re experiencing for this man however is something else entirely.  It must be the Indica. Just the weed, nothing else.

You sit back into the couch as well and pass the joint back to him. “Well, in that case I’m honored to have taken your weed virginity Joel Miller.” Pressing your hand to your heart, you give him a cheeky grin and bow your head.

At that remark his eyes widen and he actually does start coughing harshly mid-inhale, sputtering and hunching over as he shoves the joint back into your hands. You anticipated he would have coughed up a lung anyways with it being his first time but you can’t help the laugh that you let out at his misery.

“Oh shit! Sorry man, are you okay?” The concern in your voice is genuine but you’re still giggling as he gathers himself, slamming his fist against his chest a few times while his coughs die down. He grabs his glass of water off the table and takes a few sips, still breathing a bit heavy as his lungs try to suck in more air.

When he opens his mouth to speak, you’re caught off guard by how husky and deep his voice sounds. Deeper and more raspy than it usually is. 

“Jesus, I’ve been called many things before but being a weed virgin, that’s a first.” He chuckles softly and looks at you. “Besides, I bet you say that to everyone who smokes with you for their first time.”

You shake your head with a small smile as you take another toke from the joint. “Actuallyyyy,” you drag out the ‘y’ as you glance up at him from under your lashes, “you’re the first one.” As if admitting that to him is some kind of secret that you’re embarrassed to share. 

His eyebrows scrunch together again in disbelief. “No fucking way, c’mon”

“I’m serious." You giggle through your words and draw a cross over your heart, mimicking him. "None of my other friends smoke, the only other stoners I know are my co-workers.”  

“Plus, I know it can be a big deal, trying it for the first time, and ideally people want to smoke with someone they trust, whom they know they’re gonna have a good experience with. So I’m grateful you let me share that with you.” 

You try to ignore the way your pulse quickens as Joel’s gaze softens while looking at you. You clear your throat and look down at the lighter in your hand, picking at the plastic label.

“I should be the one thanking you. For your patience, and showing me the ropes with this stuff.” He gestures to all the paraphernalia on the table in front of you both and sighs. “I wasn’t keen on trying marijuana. Regardless of whether it was ‘medicinal’ or not.” He huffs as he makes the little air quotes with his hands.

“When my doctor suggested it for my back pain, I was about ready to get up and walk out of the office, but he also made it pretty clear there weren’t many other options.  Had to swallow my pride and give it a go. So thank you,” he leans into you a bit with his shoulder, giving you a playful shove, “For making this a good first experience for me.”

He gives you a sheepish smile.  Your body begins to heat up at his close proximity. 

“Anytime, Joel. Really.” You angle your upper body towards him and look up at him. Your gaze flicks from his deep amber eyes, down to his lips, and back up to his eyes again.  You almost miss how his eyes track yours, dipping down to your lips for a millisecond before he blinks.

Jesus. You need to get a grip. 

“Uhm, how do you feel right now?” You switch the subject in an attempt to shut your cavewoman brain off. 

He pauses for a minute and he looks off to the side like he’s running an internal diagnostic scan. That crease in his brow deepens slightly before his expression softens and he looks back at you with wide eyes. “I actually feel pretty good. A little out of it but pretty relaxed.”

“And the back pain?” You tilt your head at him.

He shifts a bit in his seat and leans forward, straightening and stretching his spine, twisting from side to side, gauging the movement. A baffled expression crosses his face. Actually, flabbergasted might be a better word to describe it.

“Holy shit,” he mutters, “barely any pain at all,” he laughs in disbelief as he looks at you with bright eyes. 

“That’s amazing Joel! I’m glad it could help” You beam up at him, still mindlessly puffing away at the joint. You slowly let the cloud of smoke fall out of your mouth, as it spills out you start to inhale the opaque cloud through your nose again. 

Joel’s smile falls faintly, and his expression morphs into fascination as he watches the smoke disappearing up into your nose. His eyes are rounded. Like a child who just watched a magician pull a coin out of their ear.

“That’s fancy,” he murmurs.

“Huh?” You exhale the rest of the smoke in a large plume towards the ceiling, and look back at him. “Oh. What? This?” You mimic the action again, pulling from the joint and allowing the smoke from your mouth to disperse into the air, as you inhale it again through your nose. 

“It’s a French inhale, nothing fancy. More of a force of habit,” you chuckle dryly. “I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time, but it was the first trick I learned.” 

You look at him sideways but he’s still watching you. The fascination is gone, replaced by a darker expression. Hunger. 

Was that weird? Does he think you’re pretentious for trying to look cool in front of him?

“Tricks eh?” He repeats after you and tilts his head slightly.  All of a sudden you feel like prey, under his predatory gaze. As if he’s assessing you, sizing you up, about to devour you. You feel your throat start to go dry, and this time you doubt you can blame it on having  cotton mouth. 

“That’s pretty cool. Can you do any others?” He asks.

Aside from the French inhale, there’s really only two others that you can do. The ghost and doing the classic O’s or rings. 

“Uhm, a few others yeah but I’m not that great at them.” You blink a few times and look down at your hands.

“Now that I’ll call bullshit on,” he quips.  He relaxes into the couch, draping one arm over the back while spreading his legs wide, his other hand in his lap. 

His gaze pierces yours as he murmurs. “C’mon. Show me.” 

You’d hardly call it peer pressure but the way his voice gets even deeper and he takes up more space with his position, convinces you.

Resistance is futile at this point. He could ask you to do anything in that fucking tone of voice and you would do it. 

You exhale shakily as if you’re about to put on the biggest fucking performance of your lifetime. 

For whatever reason, you want him to be impressed by you. Fascinated by you. So you steel yourself and hold his gaze as you take another pull from the joint as it starts to burn out.

Holding the smoke in your mouth, you slowly tilt your head back and pout your lips slightly, making an O shape with your mouth, pushing the smoke out in brief pauses. The first few that come out are a bit small and wonky, but as you keep going, the rings of smoke become thicker, forming perfect O’s that float upwards, dissipating into the air. 

You exhale the rest of the smoke out in a rush, stubbing the joint in the ashtray. “I’m a bit rusty. It took a while to teach myself how to do them.” 

You add that part onto the end, to stroke your own ego mostly, but also because you selfishly want to elicit more praise from him. Which he willingly gives you.

“Don’t seem that rusty to me at all darlin’. That’s pretty damn cool.” He rubs his jaw with his thumb and index finger, brushing his thumb over his bottom lip. 

“You’ll have to teach me some tricks, some other time.” His hungry expression falters as he gives you a genuine smile, not before it’s interrupted by the quietest rumbling sound. His eyes widen slightly before he clears his throat and starts fidgeting a bit more, flexing and flexing the hand in his lap. 

You hum and grin at him deviously.

“Hmmm, it sounds like the munchies have kicked in at this point.” You return the playful shove but he barely moves an inch, his broad shoulder feeling like a solid wall. “You hungry?”

[stromuprisahat]

When I read SoC,I loved Kaz,Inej,Matthias and Nina(didn't give a fuck about anyone else). However,I was "no,no,no,no" whenever Bardugo insisted Kaz and Inej were 16/17. With some isolated moments,I would be able to believe they were particularly capable,hardened teenagers. However,seeing the whole picture made me unable to buy they were so young. Their power,reputations,mindsets in a crime-filled town. Kaz was 27/28/29 and Inej was 26/27/28 in SoC/CK,according to what Bardugo had shown us. As an adult woman who spent two years being a sex slave and 8 years growing as a criminal and recovering from her trauma while healing from PTSD,Inej is admirable. As a 16 yo girl,it forces my suspension of disbelief. Yes,teens can be clever and wise,but wise and clever for their ages,they're not adults.

As for Kaz,he's emotionally immature,but he seems more like a stunted adult man. Besides,he's basically a crime lord. If Kaz,besides being a prodigy,was the son/protege of a criminal kingpin(instead of a nobody who started from scratch),I could see him having such reputation. But as some rando that got scammed at a young age,lol nope.

Also,the Kanej dynamics would feel more believable if they were grown ups who spent roughly a decade together. Also,there's a lot of comedy fodder for the two young adults having to cat herd a bunch of wildly different teens.

Yes, yes, yes!

(For Kaz's flavour of immaturity, him as crimi-protégé and Kanej's dynamics with quite younger rest of the Crows.)

I didn't notice the first time I was reading, but then again- it went so quickly, I missed much more-, but the two of them should definitely be older.

Kaz had to learn how to survive, built reputation strong enough to be sought after in Ketterdam underworld, climb through the ranks of the Dregs and rebuilt them. Inej isn't his only discovery- he has other people he recruited, for which he'd need to learn about them in the first place and earn their loyalty. None of it should realistically take only a few months. Not without a mentor or influential relative to clear his path for him.

If you'd tell me he's in his early twenties, I'd clap my hands for how quickly he raised so high.

Inej doesn't think, speak or act like a teenager, no matter how mature. This will be one of those moments I'm avoiding, since experience is very subjective to use as a scale, but I've met mature teenagers. They might have their priorities sorted, they might have heavy responsibilities, they might have their shit together more than any official adult, but there's always something, some aspect in which you'll recognize just how young they are. Inej haven't made me feel that way once.

She's wise for her age, but she's believably wise for mid-twenties.

The way they're comfortable around each other would make me guess some five years for sure. They might cooperate closely now, but first of all- I doubt Kaz would simply let anyone so close after a few weeks. Even with her valuable skills, I think Inej would need time to "worm" her way into his confidence. Second- they're NOT friends. Friendships are built on what you have in common, and I highly doubt Kaz is willing to share his past or feelings with anyone out of his own free will. Their relationship looks more like something, where Inej grew to trust him and opened up little by little, and AFTER SOME TIME managed to notice and figure out bits and pieces about him. Even ordinary co-workers bond by talking about their daily life. Kaz and Inej shouldn't have that. At least their first year or two.

It might be mostly that emotional maturity, but I'd guess Inej a bit older than Kaz.

[crystaltoa]

If I may ask. Your headcanons what kind of food and dishes the turaga like best? (Remembered the post discussing and being silly about the turaga realizing that they and the matoran have to eat food on Mata Nui. It was probably also an adventure when they figured out how to prepare it to make it taste better / able to be eaten at all.)

Hmm...

A lot of this depends on whether you assume Matoran's nutritional needs are at all similar to humans, or quite different, or whether they consume food for energy and nothing else. I'm kind of going with the latter but assuming they still can taste their food.

I've kind of made it a bit about the villages in general since what the Matoran have access to is going to influence what the Turaga eats and vice versa, hope that's okay.

Some general notes first:

Crops and orchards do not appear to be a thing on the island of Mata Nui. Each village has a single Vuata Maca tree, and some villages also had access to Bula berries, both of which are high energy fruits. Other foraged fruit and vegetables are on the menu, but grain-based foods are likely out.

Some of the foods I mention here would typically be made with a flour in our world. but since grains aren't really a thing, you can imagine it would be made from something like ground up nuts, tubers, or maybe even something like tree bark.

That said, despite not exactly farming the land, the Matoran on the island did try to maintain the health of the "natural" environment, for example, volcanic soil from the lava farms was used to improve the health of Le-Wahi's forests.

Two real life plants with edible parts are confirmed to be found on the island: Bamboo, which has edible shoots, and the harakeke, which has nectar used for flavouring. I'm also going to include seaweed in this category.

Matoran don't seem to eat meat apart from fish. In fact, the Skakdi mostly eat meat just to intimidate people from other cultures and they don't require it from a nutritional standpoint. Kualus was also alarmed and disgusted by the existence of predatory bird Rahi, so... Matoran seem to have a different view of what is or is not food than most human cultures. If you want to give them a bit more variety, perhaps there are shellfish, molluscs, or arthropods that they might also eat.

Terms that originate in cooking (baked, boiled, friedetc) are often thrown around in other contexts, but it implies that Matoran are familiar with them as cooking practices

Ga-Koro: Fish is going to be a big part of the diet. Nokama may have developed a taste and skill for hunting them as a Toa Hordika. I doubt that food poisoning is an issue for Matoran given how energy absorbtion works for them, so fish doesn't technically need to be cooked. However, cooking them for improved flavour or texture may have developed over time, though Nokama herself still prefers sashimi. I imagine Ga-Matoran have also experimented with sauces and marinades (including the harakeke nectar), and have derived a number of spices from aquatic and waterside plants. In the absence of refrigerators, they have probably developed a number of preservation techniques (pickling, drying, etc) that are largely used for trading fish to other villages, especially during spring-summer when the fish spoils more quickly (they may not get food poisoning but nobody wants fish that smells and tastes rotten!).

Ta-Koro: I headcanon that Vakama loves spicy food, and prefers meals that most people would consider slightly overcooked. Ta-Matoran in general probably like stews, curries and soups as well, even in summer, as they love the heat and aren't bothered by having a cooking pot going all day in their hut. I think they would also have invented various types of tea, some of which may have slight medicinal properties.

Po-Koro: Pie is mentioned in MNOG in Po-Koro, so I'm going to take that as canon. These could be made with fruit, root vegetables, or even fish when they can get it. I also think Po-Matoran, and especially Onewa, like a lot of salt on their food (interpret that any way you want) Maybe they even add other ground up minerals for flavour as well in lieu of herbs and spices. I think it's fair to say Onewa's favourite pie recipe wouldn't be considered tasty or edible by human standards.

Onu-Koro: Headcanon territory here, but I'm going to make this the one exception to the no farming rule. I like to think they grow a lot of root vegetables on the surface but mostly harvest them from below the ground, meaning the plants are almost never uprooted for harvesting, and some of the tuber root systems grow absolutely enormous. Cooking below ground has the obvious problem of smoke, which could be dangerous without good ventilation, so I like to think that quite often high-power heatstones are used to fry, boil and perhaps bake their food instead. Like Ta-Koro, they like their stews and curries all year round since the underground village is less vulnerable to the summer heat. I also think of the Turaga, Whenua is one of the most adventurous in terms of figuring out what is and is not edible. Some varieties of organic beetle grubs have made it into the Onu-Matoran diet as a result, though most of his culinary experiments don't really catch on. He does not trust mushrooms, and refuses to say why.

Le-Koro: Fruit is the big one here, with a lot of foraged fruit, berries and nuts making up a large part of the diet. Being the most energetic of the island's Matoran, most Le-Matoran love sugar, and anything they can use to make food sweeter is highly sought after. Marinating fruit in nectar, honey or juice is common. They even sweeten traditionally savoury foods like fish. If sugarcane exists on the island, they would be coating absolutely everything in raw sugar. Matau, while not as adventurous as Whenua, has tried a few interesting food experiments in his time, though most meals he eats are a fruit or berry salad with some kind of sweet flavour enhancer. He will not comment on the mushrooms.

Ko-Koro: Ko-Matoran tend to eat a lot less than other Matoran as their lifestyle is all about conserving their energy for things that really matter. Many of them live off the odd Vuata Maca fruit from the village's tree and don't feel the need for anything more exciting. A lot of their other food comes from trade, and they keep the traded goods in large storehouses as Ko-Koro often becomes inaccessible to other villages for weeks at a time in the winter. Cooking is not terribly popular, but smoked fish and marinated fruit obtained from other villages are well liked by many Ko-Matoran. Traders visiting Ko-Koro often have the problem of their wares, such as fruit juices, freezing solid during the trek up the mountain. Turns out many Ko-Matoran like their food frozen, however, so vessels similar to popsicle molds are used by some traders to take advantage of this. Nuju is a little different and has been known to try things that the local bird rahi recommend and bring him. So far the seeds are his favourite, and the fish was okay, but it was a hard pass on the mice and the worms.

[davyreads]

review of tomi adeyemi’s children of anguish and anarchy

zélie confronts her final enemy, the king of a foreign land who hunts her heart.

"i'm not ready for our story to end."

children of anguish and anarchy is the final entry in tomi adeyemi's legacy of orisha trilogy, and it was preceded by commercial and critical successes children of blood and bone and children of virtue and vengeance. this final book continues where the second book left off, and readers are reunited with zélie, tzain, amari and inan, as they fight to free their people and save the life of an unknown girl. the plight of the maji has always been reminiscent of the struggles of the black community, but this is made even clearer and more visceral in this final installment.

keep reading for my personal thoughts (there will be spoilers)

the story follows zélie as she frees the maji from the captivity of those known only as the skulls, for the masks that they wear over their faces. after freeing her people, during the process of which an artefact from the skulls is embedded into her chest, zélie searches for a mystery girl and aims to save her life and protect her from the skulls and their monstrous power. whilst she does this with tzain and amari, inan returns with the rest of the maji to orisha to warn the rest of their people of the threat posed by the skulls. upon returning, they find their people still at war with one another, and they very quickly understand that in order to stand a chance against their new foes, they need to stop their infighting and unite. meanwhile, zélie, tzain and amari come across an island of people with different and unique gifts, and they find the girl they have been looking for. there are many time jumps, and a sacrifice made by one of our protagonists, but by the end, the maji and zélie’s new friend, mae’e, defeat the skulls.

the aspect of the trilogy that i really enjoyed, and that i have always enjoyed, has been the worldbuilding, and this final book carries on that legacy, and expands it to different continents. we’re introduced to new worlds and new abilities and, briefly, new systems of magic, with references to different cultures and mythologies. this is something that has never been an issue for this series, and i appreciate that this is something we get to enjoy to the very end of it.

another thing is that, as i said in the small blurb i wrote, the references to struggles faced by the black community from outside the community and within it have always been part and parcel of the series, and these themes have driven the story in an authentic way that allows readers to relate to the characters. i truly appreciate these inclusions and it helps the series maintain a flavour of what initially drew readers in to begin with. unfortunately, this final entry was a major disappointment to me, and it let me down greatly. the issues that i will discuss are the pacing, the characters, the story itself and its place in the trilogy.

i knew almost immediately that something wasn’t right, because the pacing was quite fast, and it felt abnormal. around 100 pages into the book, our characters have already staged a successful revolt without powers (mostly; with the exception of tzain, curiously); in any of the other books in the trilogy, this might not have really been an issue but since this book is shorter than the other 2, this is ultimately less than a third of the way through, and with the way the rest of the story is written and paced, this speed feels unnecessary, and it doesn’t feel like there was any point to this, because there was no clear compromise on any other aspect that could possibly explain this. there are many time jumps and skips and whilst these are good, and should be used, this just left the book feeling a bit spotty. when i think of my experience reading the book, there aren’t any actual gaps in my memory, it’s just that the timing of the novel is really bad, as much as it pains me to say. we don’t see any actual training for the characters, with the exception of a singular scene for zélie and tzain, if they can really be called that, but this takes me to my next grievance: the characters.

there is no development, and certain characters just straight up disappear (roën is nowhere to be found…?). the characters don’t change whatsoever. zélie is still zélie, amari is still amari (except she’s explicitly queer now, which i will discuss), and inan is still inan. tzain doesn’t really change either, he just gets a weapon (made from his own rib, which is pretty cool, i have to say), and whilst i can appreciate that he has felt powerless throughout the series as he has had to wait on the sidelines whilst the main action happens, this almost comes out of nowhere, and it felt like there was no buildup. i might even go as far as saying that there might have been a few out-of-character moments for some characters (inan consistently making terrible decisions even though he’s the closest we have to a military tactician was annoying to witness). this doesn’t seem as big of an issue as other aspects that i will discuss further, but it’s aggravating that with all these new threats and discoveries, everyone stays the same. inan sacrificing himself at the end of the novel felt like a very cheap way to shock the reader rather than it feeling like a necessary part of the story; in the book, it’s explained (kind of terribly) that inan must exchange his breath of life for zélie’s, and it is for that reason that inan dies and zélie lives, however it felt incredibly cheap and weak because nothing has changed about inan over the course of the novel to truly make us feel emotional at his death. it felt a bit like the ending of netflix’s chilling adventures of sabrina when nick scratch kills himself because it felt less like a needed part of the book and more like an attempt at shocking the viewers. i also think the book suffers from having too many perspectives, and i truly feel that tzain’s perspective was insignificant, especially seeing as with his point of view, we still know close to nothing about his training and what his experience in new gaia is like. this was really disappointing to read and very very annoying.

as i mentioned earlier, amari is explicitly confirmed to be queer, and many have read her as such since the first book, a popular pairing being zélie x amari. however, as much as i love queer stories, specifically black and african queer stories, this felt very lacklustre. amari meets mae’e and they pretty much fall in love instantly, with a short and uninteresting throwaway line from tzain where he remarks that amari looks at mae’e the same way she used to look at him (pg. 270). personally, this wasn’t very satisfying, and i can’t tell if it’s because the romance itself wasn’t convincing or if, in the context of the rest of the novel, this was just disappointing. the villain of this book is also very uninteresting and it got to a point whilst i was reading that i was waiting for the book to end because i felt so unstimulated by it, which really upsets me.

my final grievance that i will discuss is how well this novel works as an end to the trilogy, and the story itself. in short, i think this book was an incredibly disappointing and dissatisfying end to a beloved trilogy, and it truly hurts to say that, because there aren’t many times where i will see my culture written with such love and written so beautifully. this trilogy, in my opinion, really should have been a duology, and it should’ve ended after children of virtue and vengeance, perhaps with an epilogue that explored how their world was changed by the return of magic and how they are working to rebuild their country. this final instalment was so inconsequential, and really did not change much about the world of the trilogy, and because we were being introduced to so many new things in the shortest book of the trilogy, everything felt a bit out of place and time. nothing felt earned or deserved, and the only death that really moved me was one that didn’t even appear in the book (i miss you, imani). the epilogue was also very weak, in my opinion, because whilst it promises the hope of rebuilding lives and homes and orisha as a country, i think it would have been better placed at the end of the second book as it would have allowed the series to end on a high note.

[bienmoreau]

Can you tell me abt sunshine court? I see a new book came recently and I've gathered it's a book series and I could just look it up but I have not. It's books? About foxes? I guess it's not about foxes. I like foxes tho. When I see it on your blog I think abt foxes which is nice.

Boy CAN I!!

The Sunshine Court is a spin-off of the All For The Game trilogy by Nora Sakavic! It follows my absolute favourite character from the trilogy the one and only Jean Moreau! (And my 2nd favourite Jeremy Knox)!! BUT! TSC is going to make next to no sense unless you've read AFTG!

So what is AFTG?

; A trilogy consisting of the books The Foxhole Court, The Raven King and The Kings Men.

Shortest answer is: a truly wild collegiate sport drama with an extra flavour of trying to escape from the mafia and shed loads of trauma!

Slightly longer answer is that the books are about Neil Josten a boy on the run for his life from his dad who's obsessed with a fictional sport called Exy. Against all better judgement he is convinced to sign with a college team. And against all odds doing so is probably long-term what saves his life. Tho not for many a close call when his past and his present collide with more fallout than even he could have anticipated. Thankfully he has the 'psychotic midget' Andrew Minyard at his back and maybe they can make a future together out of this mess.

Longer/other answers can be found in this tag here #wtf is tfc

And also please mind there are a heap of trigger warnings for these books if you do plan to read them! More info on each book here!

But yeh. These books mean a lot to me. A friend got me to read them in 2015 and a group of us spent a couple months building a fandom and promoting the heck out of them and that fandom is now bigger than I ever could have imagined back then and most of the old crowd aren't really in it anymore but the love from that time hasn't gone anywhere and then last year Nora messaged me to say she was writing TSC (incredibly exciting madness since she went offline YEARS ago!) so I've been dipping my toes back in a bit since then, mostly just for tsc & jerejean again, but the OG 3 books still mean so much to me and I'm rereading them rn and still absolutely adore Nora's writing and the story she is telling with these books!! So with all that (sorry got a little tangential there) if you are interested and wanna know more feel free to ask me anything abt them!

🦊xx