#i think i need a higher dose
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dealing with FUCKED intrusive thoughts rn it's awful. but they're not even perverted or socially damning like they usually would be they're just... sad. but they won't stop coming up. i thought the obsessive "RELAPSE RELAPSE RELAPSE" thoughts were bad but honestly this is way worse. i don't wanna think about death please. i want to be a normal happy person. make my meds work NOW!!!!!
#i think i need a higher dose#or#idk#it feels like meds NEVER work for me#I've tried 4 different antidepressants and its just#yeesh#sad#maybe therapy really is the way for me#or meditation#but i feel like meds SHOULD work and im so frustrated that they dont#though its probably a trauma thing baked into my brain#so the intrusive thoughts like this... they're probably not going anywhere#does a big sad pitiful sigh
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I think my favorite thing about doing ginger red hair instead of cherry red hair is: lying to people about it
#I love the cherry red / wine red and I'll probably go back at some point bc it's my Origin.#but for now.#I don't actively lie to people but bc it's a Natural and Plausible hair color#and I'm already pale and I dye my eyebrows to match my hair. ppl figure it's natural#and it has come up MULTIPLE TIMES. and I've recently been rolling with it instead of correcting ppl. bc who cares?#recent examples that come to mind (but I did correct them in this one) my surgeon assuming it was natural#and using my genetics as a natural redhead as a baseline to tell me about what I can expect from my future scarring#and then again later with the anesthesia. they were going to dose me differently#the anesthesiologist glanced at me when I came into the OR and was getting the stuff ready on his cart#and when he heard me talking to my doc and re-telling him that oh the hair isn't natural#he was behind the curtain like FUCK#taking shit off his cart and quietly redoing his setup#that's how I learned that redheads need higher doses of anesthesia than other ppl.#they also need more of the topical stuff like lidocaine. apparently they metabolize it faster(?)#ANYWAY he was going to up my dose thinking I needed it lol#so i almost got way more sedatives and pain meds than i needed bc of my hair dye LMAOOO#other more Normal Life examples was a country dude in full hunting gear holding a door open for me someplace#and I said thank you and he lifted his hat up to point at his (natural) red hair and said ''twins!''#this one sticks with me because that was such a cute thing to do. what the hell#and at snakefest I was talking to some people at their food truck. there was an older guy who trapped me into a convo for like 30mins#he was Very Nice. and they were going to some type of irish festival next and said I should go too bc I'll be right at home#flat out just was like. this bitch looks irish#and I don't know why all of this is so funny to me. it has no reason to be.
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Man when I do show up to update ITNL again what am I even gonna say? "Sorry I disappeared again despite saying I wasn't going to disappear again bc turns out I wasn't actually recovered from the grief stuff and I still am not recovered but I'm trying my best to live my life anyways! 👍 also I started school again and life is a hell"
Like I know half a year isn't all That long in the grand scheme of things. But it's also been officially over a year with only 1 update, and I Hate that... I feel like I'll have lost a lot of old readers to time and changing interests. And I know I can also earn new readers via updating, + I have some very loyal readers who will be so excited to see me updating again, but. Agh. I feel like I'm just overthinking it.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#ive been in a massive vw mood lately which like thats great for being in the mindstate of the pairing#but also i really want. domestic vw. which doesnt lend well to itnl focus.#BUT im still gonna try to usher myself in that direction anyways. im always thirsting for violence i just need to thirst for it a lil harder#sighs heavily like one of those big old dogs. weary of the world.#oh well. first step is fixing my sleep schedule i think. and then i can start working on itnl in my long pauses between classes.#i dont have much homework outside of labs and in-class work so i can use that focus time for creative pursuits.#im also starting a higher dose of adderall and i think it is actually helping. heres to lots of creative flow in the coming weeks!!!
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i want to draw, but i'm physically and/or mentally too tired to do so. also just dreading the next two months and holidays and all the hassle and work and gift buying that it all entails. why must i always feel like this every end of fall/winter?
#me talking#vent#doesn't help that i got rejected from another zine application and also this is the month when my mom died#and even just me not getting the new submas sygna suits is starting to get to me#might need a higher dose anxiety/depression medication or something#but yeah i wanna draw so bad but i just can't bring myself to do it#i hate this time of year#also every christmas ad is really getting on my nerves lately#i don't wanna think about xmas yet#anyway i know i'll be fine i just feel bad and tired
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Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.
#i dont really like this psychiatrist but ive only seen her once so i figured i should give her one more shot#last time i saw her she adked how i liked my anxiety meds#i said i love them. theyre helpful and have no side effects since my body got used to them#and i said i explicitly didnt like ky old ones cuz of how they made me feel#she prescribed the old ones and said i should just tey taking a smaller dose. even though im on meds i like#but the bigger problem is#we went over all my previous medications. ive been on several. a lot of antidepressants especially which is really bad for bipolar#the worst antidepressant cause pericarditis (swelling around my heart) that made me go to the emergency room#we went over that. i told her everything i just told you#my bipolar leans heavily into the depression so she decided to tey another antidepressant along with my mood stabilizer#can you guess which antidepressant she prescribed? can you??#and i didnt realize it at the time because she called it the generic name so i couldnt explain she shiuldnt prescribe me that#and i meant to callher about it but it completely slipped my mind and i thought i had more time#and then suddenly my appointment is tomorrow#or the other thing she recommended was lithium. which feels like wuite an escalation#eapecially since she said it can cause irreversible damage to (maybe remembering this wrong) my kidneys#like i feel like there must be a better option. none of which are anxiety meds i dont like. an antidepressant that sent me to the hospital#or something that could cause irreversible damage. like i feel like theres a better way#i also need to talk to her about setting up an adhd assessment#i had an assessment a few years ago in which i was told im 'too smart to have adhd'#calling adhd people not smart is bullshit. you cant be too smart to have adhd. and i feel like i was just dismissed because im female#he said he wished he could score as hugh as i did on the knowledge tests#man me too. maybe then you wiuldnt be such an idiot. how did you get a license to practice. how did you pass any higher education#are you just a random guy that walked in off the street? i refuse to call him a doctor#i call him a quack or by his full name because i don't think he deserves the respect of that title#what was i talking about. oh yeah trying another assessment with an actual doctor this time#wish me luck with my appointment tomorrow bcuz she might try to kill me again#or dismiss my concerns of adhd like she dismissed my dislike for my old anxiety meds#im in hell. being mentally ill is hell a little bit#actually its not. im fine with my mental illness. im not fine with how doctors treat me because of it
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I'm sorry if I'm quiet and absent both in DMs and here, I'm just, hm, feeling a bit stuck
#its probably because of the higher dose of pills that im taking now#itll pass in a week i guess#or i need to go back to Italy#i was happy there/j#but yeah i love you all and i think about you a lot
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Epic win 4 me got my psych to increase the med that does work and start tapering off the one that doesnt do jack shit
#me several months ago: i think i need a higher dose of x#psych: before we do that lets try u taking x with y! they work well together!#me: ...ok i guess#y has like REAL scary potential side effects too lmao bye bitch#anyways. x my beloved. drug of all time#bel speaks#thank u melanie. AND she didnt even get on my ass about therapy this time. god bless
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Every year, I tell myself that I should really consider taking off work for Father Brown premiere day, and then it comes around and I forget to do it, and I spend all day thinking about how I would so much rather be sitting cozy under a million blankets and going back to Kembleford than being forced to do boring work things.
#father brown#honestly i miss the old release schedule model#i loved having just a nice little ep to look forward to every day for two (and sometimes three) full work weeks#now they just put them on iplayer all at once but only air one a week#so its the worst of both worlds#i either watch them all at once b/c i have no impulse control#but do so with the understanding that the fandom may be pacing themselves w/ one a week instead#OR#i force myself to slow down but am grumpy about it#b/c for years the bbc would give me the perfectly prescribed little dose of serotonin in early-jan just when i needed it#the old system was great; why did they change it#an ep a day for 2-3 weeks was just the best way to pace it#i know there's a former higher up at the beeb that just hates the show#b/c it's much more expensive to produce than the average daytime show --even it more than makes up for production costs#by being the single most exported show from the channel to foreign markets (yup even more than doctor who)#so i can't help but wonder if the new release model is an attempt to kill the show by some other bitter exec#well jokes on them cause it didn't work last year and i pray that it won't work this year as well#am a bit worried about the sister boniface spinoff's future ngl#i think i did hear that it was getting an s3 and i think britbox funding it rather than the been directly does help it#but still a bit worried
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zoloft has DEFINITELY kicked in for anxiety which is craaaaazy. im just like. not panicking about normal everyday interactions on this website anymore. replies and messages and asks are like. no problem.
i used to deliberate over sending shit for hours or days. now i barely feel the need to proofread. WILD.
#i dont think its strong enough to fix my issues w like. phone calls or appointments or anything.#bc those still make me kinda sick to even THINK about#but i guess we will see. maybe i just need a higher dose or something#or to leave it for a lil more time
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I slept rly deeply last night even tho it took me a while to get to sleep but I think that was bc I had acid reflux and I'd been playing videogames too late not anything else.... still only got 6 hrs but doing pretty okay all things considered 😚
#and not feeling sick this morning so im sticking w the higher dose for one more day. my heart rate does feel a little uncomfortably fast#but its tolerable. just gonna make notes of how it goes through the day and ill submit my review form to my dr this evening#and hopefully she'll give me the green light to drop back down instead of continuing to titrate up#this is making me think of those heartrate fetishists... do u think i could make money selling tachycardic heart recordings online#i do wanna try to exercise this morning while i have energy. might take the bike out it looks like a gorgeously sunny day#maybe ill try to map my cycle route to work so i can consider cycling there instead of taking the bus in a couple weeks..#i cant atm thp cuz they have scaffolding up and its blocked off the bike racks sadly 😔#i think making myself eat + drink as much as i can has helped control the nausea too. just need a lot of fuel to process meds properly ig#and a lot of sleep.. its a bit stressful to think abt how rigid im going to have to be abt my daily routines if i want to stay medicated#but to be honest i have a pretty rock solid sleep/meal routine already bc its the only way i can function with the hours i work#so like. i dont rly need to worry too much. i think i reacted badly the first couple days bc my base anxiety was high#and then bc that feeling was heightened by meds -> made me not eat/sleep properly -> knock on sickness the next day#but yeah still the side effects arent very nice and i dont wanna take the risk of it exacerbating every difficult emotion i deal with#but fingers crossed bc 30 worked rly nice for me and i had barely any side effects so hopefully i can settle w that long term 🤞#we will see....#ANYWAY. sorry for making the same post over and over the last couple days. talking abt it on here has helped me feel a lot calmer#i dont wanna bother ppl irl w every thought and physical symptom i experience hourly. but this is my blog i can do what i want#hope everyone else has a nice sunday <3#.diaries
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I really want to scream as loud as I can and break something
#it’s stupid I know it’s just a dumb game and I’m an adult but yknow what? I don’t give a fuck#when people spawn camp and kill me the moment I respawn over and over in Splatoon it pisses me off so much I get enraged sometimes#it’s just not fucking fair#why do I get this awful life-ruining disease and nothing ever comes easy for me in anything#I always get stuck in the spiral mindset of ‘I bet these assholes can walk. I bet they can run and stand and do normal things#just keep killing me what the fuck ever#I’m already dead to the world because I’m trapped in my house forever#if you think I’m a dramatic whiny bitch after reading this I don’t give a fuck about that either#pills aren’t working they need to be a higher dose#and I’m overdue for my period#just don’t look at me I’m just going to sleep because that’s all I do just sleep and stare at my phone and never shower or take care of#myself
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Taking a break from drawing tonight, just feel kind of yucky
#think I need to figure out a different solution for my thyroid meds#either a higher dose or a different type of medication or something#not doing so hot rn
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Habby Birf-tay Dr. Habit!
(there would've been a drawing or a little writing snippet or smthn, but I couldn't focus for the absolute LIFE of me yesterday & today, so that's probably just gonna come later)
#smile for me#s4m game#my ADHD hates me istg#in the wise words of Ethan Nestor#“I'm ON medication currently! and I think I need a higher dose!”#text post#rambles from neko
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starting adhd meds tomorrow!!! I'm. really nervous but I'm really happy I can finally get a move on with my life
#txt#ready to for this to be an active ''okay maybe this doesnt work'' or ''we need a higher dose'' or whatnot but im just... idk#im nervous in a giddy way i think#i can't wait to finally feel in control over my life
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Hello?? Since when did ACNH cure autism??
#help I think I need a higher dose of acnh#acnh#guys it’s not working#nintendo acnh#mental health#autism
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My family are redheads and if you know 1 fact about redheads it is that we require more anaesthesia to go under or to freeze effectively. For some reason doctors rarely account for this in advance. My mom had a hysterectomy. She was like “uh, guys? I don’t think I’m actually frozen?” “It’ll hit any second now.” “Uhhh no, I can still feel everything. You’re putting a catheter in, right?” “… yes but you should be asleep any second now. We’ll give you a lil more.” “Ok you’re iodizing me up now PLEASE actually knock me out before the knife touches me!” Finally the anesthesiologist stopped thinking he knew better and started really dosing her up. But with the amount it took to finally knock her out… it was too much, so then she didn’t wake up until 2 hours after she was supposed to, and they didn’t come to update my dad in the waiting room. So like any good man with an anxiety disorder he sat there going “this is it. I have lost the love of my life and they haven’t decided to tell me yet. I will be a single father. How will I raise the children and manage my work to support them at the same time alone? This is the end.” And THEN the anesthesiologist came out all sheepish and was like “sooo… we’re having trouble waking her up.” Which of course fit my dad’s internal narrative too well and he was close to fainting with a dramatic hand across his brow when the recovery nurse popped her head out and was like “she’s awake. She’s pissed at you for messing up her dosage twice but she’s awake.”
#my own surgery as a kid they told me a mosquito was gonna bite me (the needle) and I still think that was a really nice way to put it#and then I was out#and I woke up to a toddler in the bed next to me screaming in pain bc she had just had tubes put in her ears and I lay there like stfu kid#and when I had my wisdom teeth out bc I take benzos for anxiety attacks they were like ‘be got you babe we’ll start you off at a higher dose#bc you probably have a high tolerance’ and then apparently they WALKED me to recovery while I was still disassociated#and I woke up sitting up w my mom rubbing my back and asking if I was good to stand#and bc I was suddenly awake I was like ‘yeah I don’t need a wheelchair’ and I needed her to hold my arm to guide me but I didn’t stumble or#anything which… I can’t walk straight sober so it was a miracle
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