#i suppose this is an update to my last personal post so ... lmao

[stranger-awakening]

tweet that starts with "sorry i don't reach out as much as I used to" retweeted by someone who doesn't reach out at all

[infamous-if]

✭INFAMOUS UPDATE IS HERE ✭

238K -> 457K WORDS

Please read this post before playing! It's finally here! After five months of writing and rewriting and salvaging and crying and sweating and bleeding I finally finished sort of kind of! Firstly, I want to thank you for your patience and understanding over this duration of this rewrite. It was stressful at times but I'm happy with the end result and I hope everyone else will be too :)

This will be the last chapter I release without beta testers/other sets of eyes so expect errors. I can playtest until my fingers turn blue but I'm just one person </3 I'm bound to have missed stuff.

Please let me know of errors! I tested it a few times with no problems but we know how it goes lol

IN THIS CHAPTER THREE UPDATE:

drama

mayhem

chaos

some betrayal

some surprises

just...read it lmao

PROLOGUE - CHAPTER 2 CHANGES:

**chapter two was too large of a file to upload on dd so I had to split it last minute and I uhhhh dont know how that translates in the demo but it should work lol please let me know if its wonky!**

fixed up grammatical errors and typos

expanded some scenes and added some more choices

you can now choose that your mc has "changed" in some way (drinking, no longer drinking, partier, no longer a partier, negative, positive, attached, detached, or a general default. I was asked to add an MC who "gets around" or hookups a lot but I'm still debating on whether I'll add that since there's already quite a bit lolol)

you can choose to have changed your band's genre before/after seven

TECHNICAL CHANGES:

you will be able to explicitly state your sexuality in the beginning. this was a big ask and I apologize for not doing it earlier! I wasn't good at coding when I started and I knew I always wanted to make the genders separate from MC's sexuality but I didn't know how to do that at the start :) So you can still choose the genders of the ROs for story purposes and variety. IF YOU DO NOT SEE ROMANCE OPTIONS THAT IS NOT A BUG. You simply chose a RO gender that doesn't correlate with the sexuality you chose for your MC. Having said that, if you do see a romance option available and it's not supposed to be there please let me know! That means I may have missed it coding-wise.

the stats have been all fixed! I've added all the necessary variables and such. The stat portion of the game has been updated with the appropriate pages but they're not finished. Still, the stats should be fine.

You will now have confessionals in the stat page! The feature still isn't a thing yet because I haven't come up with the confessionals lolol but you can click on it to see what it's about. Essentially, as you progress through the story you will be able to see confessionals from the cast of Infamous throughout. They disappear and appear periodically so if you miss it, THAT'S IT! You won't get a chance to see them again until MC watches an episode where it's relevant.

There is now a: Discography page, Infamous wiki, botb cast and staff page, and other characters page for organization. Those are not finished but they're there!

I changed a few stat names but their functions remain the same.

You will be able to choose how you would like to be described (masculine, feminine, neither, both).

O is officially gender-selectable.

You can set the genders of the ROs at the start or wait till you meet them.

PLAY HERE

[bonefall]

Hey! Are you ok with people tagging you in fanart they do/making fanart of your rewrite? Your Crookedstar rewrite has me in SHAMBLES and I need to make fanart for it like. Right now

I'm more than ok with it! I try to collect it as I get it over here on this post, which is also linked on my pinned. You should also check out the TVTropes page that @halogenwarrior maintains, I look at it myself time to time because she updates it pretty frequently and I like learning about tropes that way lmao

You can also feel free to ping me as you please on whatever thing you're making that I inspired! That thing on my pinned post asking people to not ping me on OTHER people's posts refers to people going to the personal works of others and making comparisons, asking me questions about my au in other people's replies, etc. Stuff that wasn't considerate to the OP.

All of BB's concepts are free to use and change as you'd like! Credit's not necessary, but I do like seeing what people are up to.

I only ask that you do not steal drawn art to pass off as your own, as I have collaborators you need to be respectful of, and would also personally like to consider doing commissions or adopts at some point. I don't want any mishaps about people thinking those would be free to use.

ALSO BONUS APPLEKIN MARKING SYMBOLISM:

I stopped writing the draft where I did because I had written a lot and had wanted to share at that point, but with the new update on BB!Oakheart being BB!Crookedstar's adopted brother I've already accounted for the apple-leaf-shaped markings that are on his eyes.

("Applekin" cats come with these very subtle eye markings that aren't particularly noticed in-universe, as an artsy visual sign of them all being part of a family. They're going to show up on everyone from BB!Appledusk all the way down to BB!Frostpaw.

You can see them okish on this chibi I did of Silverstream, but unfortunately last time I drew Oakheart he was dadly weaning sunglasses so they're not visible. Here is a picture of the crabapple leaf it's supposed to look like)

They begin to develop the moment that Crookedstar betrays Mapleshade. Slowly, subtly, over the course of moons. So slowly that no one seems to notice it except Crookedstar.

At first, he thinks he's just crazy. Worrying too much, seeing things that aren't there. But his brother's previously creamy eyerims start to sharpen. At the back corner, a streak lines the lashes back. The smooth edges of the color spike, as if needle-sharp trout teeth are carefully being planted, one prickle, one week at a time.

No one else seems to notice it but him. But he gets the message. Mapleshade "gave" him this family-- and she wants him to know she's going to take it away, too.

So please, feel free to do with that as you will~

[mortalityplays]

i am sick like you as an incredibly casual fan who has since stepped back since october but was still following active blogs for it and i was always meaner than all of them so i like to watch it all go down and make fun of them but holy fuck its not even the half of it. there's a post somewhere that's one of those updates for "season 3 being possible" where one of the pieces of evidence is an actor from the show posted a picture of a woman who had 3 pigeons in front of her. and the person who posted this was like 37. 😭 they're all so insane and the second you say anything otherwise it's ruining hope and being condescending like oh my god it's a tv show girls...

to be honest like basic decency aside this entire thing is so ridiculous at its core i've never seen fandom brainrot at this level i know that's probably not TRUE and all fandom brainrot can end up like this but sooo many of them are so unself-aware it gives me a migraine. since when has throwing a tantrum a show got cancelled entitle you to getting another season 😭 they keep repeating that they deserve it and that they're so sad for the actors i even saw someone be like "making fun of the cancellation is ultimately cruel bc it means the crew who aren't millionaires and just everyday people are now out of a job, you're all being classist"... half of the ppl who post about it don't even ACTUALLY post about it anymore it's just been "renewal efforts" for two weeks now like holy fuck can you not take a hint... they seriously think asking netflix in the suggestion forms to do a season 3 is actually going to work if they just Believe Enough in the power of being 35

ok last ask I'm publishing for now bc it's an actual exit narrative lmao.

this touches on something I keep thinking about: the bizarre misunderstanding the fandom seems to have about how TV works. they talk about the actors and crew as if this one show was supposed to be their magnum opus and now they're all just sitting at home lamenting the loss of their livelihoods, and not signing new contracts, taking new auditions, moving on to other opportunities. they have this idea that they're going to persuade another network to pick the show back up, as if an entire TV production crew, sets, costumes, props etc. are a modular unit that goes on a shelf in a shoebox when it's not in use. it's very weird and kind of fascinating.

[genericpuff]

1. Have you read Circe by Madeline Miller + Song of Achilles ~ if you have what are your thoughts

2. In the original what was your favorite male character drawn out (mine was Hermes only bc I found him hot😓)

3. How long do you think it’ll take you to ‘finish’ your story, like do you have a set date: 2026,2027, even 2030🙈🙈

4. What’s your backstory on tattooing and art, was this your initial plan

5. Fave girl character, (mine is Minthe only bc she reminds me of my younger self since I seemed to only choose realtionships where I get here)

thank youuu

ahaha so many questions! I'll answer them as concisely as I can :>

1.) Song of Achilles is on my shelf, I've been meaning to read it all but I haven't been able to make time for it, I might try and do so before the new year! I've definitely heard great things :>

2.) Hephaestus! He gives me such older brother vibes, he just seems like a really chill and snuggly guy LOL Only complaint about his character design is the fact that he's constantly using running blades (sure they look cool but they're not practical for casual wear, you're supposed to use them for, y'know... running lmao) but that's really it, I think his arc with Aphrodite in S3 was poorly written tbh especially with how rushed it was, but overall not the worst treatment out of the cast.

3.) Definitely don't want it to take until 2030 LMAO It's gonna depend on a few variables, including update schedule (I'd really like to get back to posting once a week again like I used to but I don't think it's gonna be possible for a little while u.u""") and how long the final scripts come out to be. Ideally though I'd like it to be wrapped up within another year or two. This definitely isn't one of those "work on it indefinitely" type projects, I have an end goal in mind and I don't want it to take over half a decade like my last comic project did LOL

4.) Never expected to wind up making Rekindled or in tattooing. I'm kind of a "fall into it" type person, I do what feels right in the moment even if it's not what I initially planned for (within reason, of course! I've learned to sit on new ideas and plans for a bit before pursuing them to ensure I'm actually into them before diving in lol it helps me avoid the impulsive ADHD-fueled decisions 😆). I sort of had a plan for myself back in primary and high school - I wanted to become a video game concept artist, but over time as I got into making comics and after I graduated college, it just never really happened. It's never too late, of course, but right now I'm having a lot of fun tattooing and making comics in my free time ! I think I'd still be making comics even if I ended up in game dev, it satisfies my storytelling side haha

5.) If you mean specifically LO, yeah, Minthe here too. Which is wild because I remember when I was still a huge fan of the comic and was on the "fuck Minthe!" train. Now that I've explored the comic with a more critical eye, I sympathize with her way more and I really hope she had gotten a more satisfying conclusion. Still, she got away from Hades and Persephone's nonsense so that's better than nothing LMAO but I definitely want to explore her side more in Rekindled as the story unfolds, I have some fun plans for her <3

[bloopitynoot]

Reading SVSSS: Chapter 16

For those who don't know, I am reading SVSSS for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag bloopitynoot reads SVSSS. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read.

Hello! Another day, another chapter!

I really don't have much to ramble about today, but I am back on my tea. This is a new one from the ren faire this year- vanilla chai with sugar and milk. The cup is from the same ren faire (but purchased last year).

let's go let's let's go- I am already impatient to get into this chapter.

Last chapter we ended on a cliffhanger with Luo Binghe totally unconscious- we start this chapter with Shen QIngqiu ready to rescue his man and escape!

It's really so upsetting that he is going back to trash (two bar) spiritually energy in this body when he was so used to his mushroom Unlimited Power p65

RIP Luo Binghe's skull LOL he is really being tossed around like a rag doll. SQQ needs to be more careful. p66

MXTX said forget the only one bed trope, I raise you -> There Was Only One Coffin p67

Fuck. This is actually so scary 10/10 I would pee myself if a little skeletal arm was worming it's way into the coffin I was temporarily occupying (really anything in this book's reality would make me die of fright. as an aside I was talking to my partner about this while watching MDZS donghua yesterday, in the world of cultivators I would be a dumpling stall owner. I could never with the sword training and literal corpses). pp67-68

I CANT 'extenuating circumstances'. SQQ definitely: I just HAD to kiss his cute little forehead to save our lives. p68

i'm crying LOL "a person's abdomen is supposed to be the softest spot on their body, but Luo Binghe's was uncomfortably hard against Shen Qingqiu's stomach. The farther down he pulled him, the more he was sure that Luo Binghe had an eight-pack. Was that a rock slab down there?" p70

this keeps getting worse LMAO

OOOOO Meng Mo is back! Is it weird that I kind of love this guy? He has such a cool power and is a bit of a dick, but in the best and worst of ways. Him and Airplane give similar energy and I am not mad about it. p72

oh gosh! LBH is either "fatally ill" or "close to death" p72

wait- adding to the above point. he could also be mentally very unwell :( poor buddy -> it's likely this option. p72

so even though SQQ is processing nothing , I think SQQ admitting (not naming the feeling but admitting) that he is feeling a mess of emotions about Luo Binghe is a big step for him! p73

Meng Mo seems to have a lot of feelings about LBH. I am not sure if it's just pride or what but whatever it is he is correct here, "The way this elder sees it, he (LBH) should either kill you (SQQ) or do you!" p74

PLEASE OH NO

I AM WHEEZING

+1000 Protagonist Satisfaction Points for touching LBH's "Heavenly Pillar" p76

IM DYING OH NO

WHY IS THIS EVEN A THOUGHT IF HE THINKS HE'S STRAIGHT "He couldn't exactly help Luo Binghe jerk off under these circumstances, right?!" p76 But like if not these circumstances he is cool with doing it in other circumstances???????????

oh no! SQQ blocking the blades with his bare hand for LBH p79

Dang. the Old Palace Master has been through some shit. p80

Are we getting more of Shen jiu's story??? We have Qiu Haitang here too! p81 (just as an aside because my notes did not revisit this, we do not get more of his story just weird little hints. That I hope Shang Qinghua clears up later). p81

What a terrible combo. Old Palace master is just butthurt Luo Binghe doesn't want him as a teacher or to marry his daughter and Qiu Haitang seems to be just a vile woman with a grudge against SQQ for some reason. pp82-83

Okay but as horrible as OPM is, that cultivation he's doing with his voice is kind of cool. p85

Wait. Did the Old Palace Master have a thing for Su Xiyan? This is so fucking weird for LBH and he's not even conscious pp86-87

reading further the above point got so much worse omg :(((((((((((( I'm so upset for Su Xiyun. p87

It got even worse with the implications of what it meant for Luo Binghe in that sect. That terrible terrible man deserved that horrifying death. Fuck that guy! pp 89-90

OMG SQQ, basically half dead carrying LBH, barely got away from the death flower room, and here we have Tianglang-jun back on his bullshit. p94

SQQ is in such a bad state :o pp94-95

Is this another dime??? Our demon blood piggy bank for SQQ is now at $0.40 p97

YAY! Luo Binghe is awake! (is he going to be okay mentally though??)p 99

Why is Luo Binghe so mad? Like this man just nearly died trying to get you the fuck out of there p100

Fucking finally okay, it got better LBH is realizing what SQQ did while he was unconscious pp102-103

I'm glad they cleared that up (even though there was the other added miscommunication about LBH thinking SQQ was crying when he was actually just in a fuck ton of pain). p104

I am actually so glad that the discussion was interrupted before LBH found out about the dick touching being real LOL p108

MORE DEMON BLOOD. -> SQQ's dime bank is at $0.50

How many times does this man get kidnapped?

We really ended with him being kidnapped again and with Luo Binghe being conned by his own dad. That was so rough. -500 dignity points (not really but it sure feels like it)

[necronatural]

Project Moon Discourse part 6: It's Over (It's Never Over)

My project moon tag is dedicated exclusively for details on this situation make of that what you will

Last time on Project Moon: Geonggi Youth Union and Project Moon User Association (protesting fans faction) gets a legal threat from a an actual legal firm (none of them say as much, but the contents appear to be specified to the Youth Union, so likely a copy-pasted message). PMUA were asked to not ragepost until the Youth Union finished talks with Project Moon, but THAT completely fell through, so they just post it with a translated reply. Kim Jihoon gets MAD mad and says that the Geonggi Youth Union were going after PM to promote their campaign standing! Youth Union says what the fuck are you talking about, how would we do this when it was being handled internally and the public would only see us apologizing? The crux of all this legal threatening is because Vellmori resigned, therefore it wasn't 'unlawful dismissal'.

And now some new updates:

IT union vice chairman Hwanmin Kim realizes that on September 8 the Limbus Company Twitter sent him a cease and desist. Over Twitter DMs. I'm not kidding

A user has translated Hwanmin Kim's explanation of why talks broke down with the Geonggi Youth Union in this Twitter thread. In short: unless Vellmori expresses a desire to be reinstated their hands are tied, as the laws don't adequately protect workers. It seems the "political motivations" accusation is rooted in the fact that the YU is respecting that they can't represent Vellmori's worker rights unless she asks, yet are still campaigning against PM regardless.

The surrounding climate of Korean gaming companies policing women's speech and how the PM case blew up because of that climate has been recorded in a news article that tracks situations as recent as the whole PM/YU/PMUA showdown. You can read it here. They reached Monggeu (the artist for Leviathan) for comment, and Monggeu noted "they asked me not to say anything too 'PC' when I was hired". Another staff member said PM treats workers 'not as people, but as parts'.

HamHamPangPang addresses a rumour that fan gifts are being thrown out, saying the stored items were damaged. Main response has been "with no notice though?" and "how the fuck did that happen?" with some gift-givers noting they have photo evidence of their goods being stored safely. Most people are actually rather forgiving of the manager (HHPP has been totally exempt from all the blowback towards PM's mismanagement thus far) and are casting suspicion on Kim Jihoon.

Most importantly of all, Kim Jihoon posts an apology on the Limbus Company twitter, which is a hell of a thing after the Notes App Ragepost. He far more cordially explains that he says he posted a notice with 'vague wordings', despite the fact that it very explicitly stated 'she violated our rules, and thus we won't be working with her in the future' - the only vague aspect was how Vellmori left the company. I suppose this is a polite way to say 'we fucked her over in hopes the DCInsiders would feel they successfully drew blood and leave the company alone'. At no point does he specify the original DCInside harassment beyond 'the artist was free to go after them legally', just as Hwanmin Kim mentioned.

Also this:

LMAO

It's actually an otherwise reasonable apology and I think it's encouraging that he will finally work with his employees when they come to him with harassment, but he at no point is clear on why on earth it required international protest for him to do so.

But he had time to interject that he wants the Geonggi Youth Union, Hwanmin Kim, and the PMUA annihalated. OK dude

Personally, I support further protest and not spending money on Project Moon titles, this time strictly over refusal to denounce anti-feminist harassment or comment on their mismanagement. Also it's all but explicit the offer PM gave was "either resign and escape by letting DCInside feel they won or stay on and sue them by yourself, we don't want to rock the boat by helping you" and I'm pissed

[care-html-archive]

mus_graveyard

The cabin had a backdoor. Since i saw no other entrance or exit, and i didn't wanna go back to wandering an empty map, i decided to go through it.

Curious enough, when i went to the door, it gave me a similar flavor text to when you open Spamton's shop door after his encounter, saying how NOW it's unlocked.

I did not mention this before, but i did in fact play the game at 3am, since that was around the time the anonymous person sent me the built (basically begging for me to play the game at 3 am lmao). But i didn't think too much about until i saw the door flavor text.

Perhaps... This door could only be opened at 3am? Like So Sorry from Undertale, you know? That could make a lot of sense considering what would happen next...

The back door opened to some kind of graveyard. It was dark and foggy. Also avery big zone, it almost felt like it was endless, with nothing but dead trees and what appeared to be looted tombs.

None of the tombs gave any interesting flavor text, except for one. The one you see in the thumbnail.

The name engraved on it, iirc was something along the lines of "Annette Lil'Gal". I don't entirely remember the rest of the flavor text, but i think it described her as a little girl... There were no reactions from Kris indicating that they could've potentially known her, which makes me guess that this is supposed to be a reference that THE PLAYER is meant to understand?? But i don't know...

Do you guys have any idea what this is refering to??

This is also the last theme that played right before i met... Him. I don't know if i'll be able to post in the next few days, my birthday is coming soon and i'll be very busy, but i'll try my best to keep you updated.

[angelic-guardienne]

👁👄👁 just a quick update to say that yes i am still alive. i didnt realized i hadnt posted anything since july of LAST YEAR. aughhh

here's what i'm actively writing on:

modern au hashira/reader + a bug in the house (like cockroaches, wasps, spiders)

Sanemi/Reader my "was supposed to be a collab but I got writer's block for a year so now I can turn it into my own thing" loosely based on the song "Constant Repeat" by Charli XCX

breath of the wild yandere link au (🙏🏾 forgive me lmao) i was just reading too much yandere fics at the time of conception and wanted to write my own. hence

stardew valley alex/farmer story.

stuff that i'm desperately trying to drag out of development hell and am actively pondering

ffxv au, oc fic (it's hard to put this in any sort of succinct way but here i go) OC is a devout from the ffiii era (which is basically like expert white mage) who gets a prophetic dream about darkness eclipsing the world, so she goes on a pilgrimage to all the crystals of her world (earth, wind, fire, water) to pray and try to get some clarity on that prophecy. she meets a disaster during her journey and as she's dying, she wishes she could have been more help to her people/the world. so instead of dying, she ends up crystallized (a la zelda from ss) and wakes up in ffxv times with no memories except her name and some of her magic. so her goal is to get her memories back, help the boys on their journey, and figure out the prophetic dream she had and what she can do to help. this story has been in development since 2017 and was a completely different story at its conception.... now it's changed quite a lot and actually merged with one of my other "development hell" stories. i've been having many daydreams about it but it's been so long since i've played ffxv that it's holding me back.

january 7th: sanemi fic set after the end of demon slayer where he's trying to cope with a certain person's death

if you're curious to know more about any of this, feel free to drop an ask! i love talking lol

[skiagrafia]

Life update and vent post in bullets:

My department has been in chaos for weeks now

Our chair left for another country since last month for a combination of personal stuff

The chair did this at the height of enrollment period

There was no clear and formal turnover of responsibilities, admin offices are in conflict of who gets to be in charge of our dept

The chair, though saying that they'd still work remotely, dumps 90% of work on us

My colleague, just one year into the profession, has been thrust into admin duties unofficially, unprepared. The chair did not leave any concrete instructions for us

I help my colleague when I can, but we both have different things to do as well -- me with research projects and them with campus broadcast responsibilities. This is on top of teaching work

Everybody in our dept -- not just the faculty but also our students -- are left frustrated and angry with the chair for what it seemed like running away from work. The chair, who was supposed to supervise a class, left them without their grades and they had to beg for it so they can enroll this semester

The chair had the gall to post a photo of them relaxing -- in our official work group chat!

The chair had the gall to pass their work to us when said work doesn't have anything to do with the department

We are really really angry with them

Nobody wants the chair to return anymore lmao

And then the chair compromised our professional friendship with someone who's been very collaborative with us. Without us knowing

The chair has fucked up a lot and is still fucking up a lot -- even a thousand miles away

At one point my blood pressure shot down from stress and exhaustion

There are other things that involve money and funding, which are still keeping me stressed and sad

I'm presenting my research project proposal next week before a panel of uni officials, and I'm genuinely worried that some of them would reject my proposal due to 'differences in values' (i work in a catholic uni). I'm hoping it won't happen though

The stress and exhaustion won't stop

[lesbiancolumbo]

hey i am getting into try to watch classic movies (as in i just saw the shinning for the first time or godfather) and what are some good resources to check out for good recommendations, cause honestly I am finding it hard to know where I should start- thank in advance for posting about old movies they have all been added to my ever growing list!

omg hello!!!! hello! this is the ask i needed tonight.

in terms of resources... if you don't have a subscription to criterion channel already, do yourself a favor and get one. they are almost always highlighting an old hollywood actor or actress (this month is joan bennett and they're showing a really hard to find pre-code she's in called me and my gal. just an example.) and they have a wide variety of well-curated stuff to check out. same with kanopy if you have a library that partners with it. but honestly, if you are in the US or canada and have cable or know someone you can bum cable information off of, turner classic movies has been (at least for me) the greatest resource.

and i could easily point you to a list of the best classic movie recs (AFI has a list of 100 films, sight & sound just did their big poll - for example), but here's the thing. like on the level..... i spent so many years in college watching movies because i was told i was supposed to like them, or that they were IMPORTANT and THE CANON and i got almost nothing out of this experience. when i left college, i spent a week moping in unemployment on my parents' couch dogsitting and watching literally anything that came up on tcm. i watched the bride of frankenstein, i watched an irene dunne romance, i watched spencer tracy and katharine hepburn fall in love. fred and ginger dancing. john wayne walking into the wasteland of a desert that doesn't want him. etc. i watched as many different kinds of things as i could, and i went, so these films worked for me. these actors mean something to me and these don't. and i kept going my own way.

i know that feels like a non-answer, but i think it's very easy to get caught up in the like ~canon of it all~ and it's more fun to just start watching shit and discover things you may have never discovered. i told myself this year that i wanted to watch more silent cinema and i proceeded to just.... type "best silent actresses" into ye olde google and add a bunch of movies to a watchlist lmao. so i'm gonna give you a few lists now lmao but with the caveat that instead you should just ask yourself what sorts of things you like, what films interest you, what films you like, and kinda go from there. who influenced your favorite filmmaker? what old films do they like? etc.

some lists:

i made a post two years ago giving recs on 30s films that i still stand by lmao

last year i made my official "personal canon" list which details my 200 favorite films from the birth of cinema to now

a critic i love, willow maclay, made her personal canon list last year and she's one of my favorites on cinema period, old and new

every year a critic i also love, justine smith, does a twitter thread of her updated canon. this is from 2022. i love watching her list change every year.

my amazing friend marya gates essentially answered your question in way fewer words that i did with her list here

i hope this was helpful, sorry for the length of this, and happy watching! i am happy to help nudge you in any further directions if you want more tailored recs based on what you've seen/want to see/are interested in. feel free to send an ask or dm me any time.

[commanderquinn]

Good Space Chapter 2: Man On The Moon

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

warnings: lotta swearing and usual heavy pstd bucky stuff. also!! im giving sam's story a little bit of author bias/culture venting. this wont read like canon FATWS sam, though i am trying to honor their show where i dont hate it. i love sam's journey to cap, even if ken doll was nauseating (whats funny is i didnt know his actor's name is wyatt until halfway through THIS chapter when i googled something. oh well lmao im sure he's a perfectly nice dude. the wyatt in this fic is My Baby) plus the trump era commentary was completely toothless imo. and the fact that james buchanan barnes acknowledged in episODE T H R E E of the series that he'd take the shield before letting it fall???? even through all his self-hatred?????? get the fuck out of here that desTROYED ME i hate this fictional man with a passion

song: this one's by kid cudi!! 🥰

its time for the l o n g i n g to start ❤️ grab tissues!! first biggie angst so i had to put it behind our resident teddy bear's pov 🥺 you KNOOOOW i had to finish up this update in time for stevie’s birthday 🥰

—

October 3rd, 2015

Samuel Wilson was not disillusioned when he walked into his first recruitment office. There were no patriotic stars in his eyes, no lotto number clutched painfully between nervous fingers to drive his feet up to that kiosk. He wasn’t foaming at the mouth to earn career-establishing stripes in a timely fashion. All he had to his name was a high school diploma and twenty-three bucks in his pocket. He didn’t have any big dreams for the desert rocks to tear a hole through. 

Sam was a kid back then. One who wanted to build a life, and the GI Bill offered to make that happen. A solid, steady income with the vision of a college education somewhere on the horizon. Not a lot of other options for someone like him, no matter which familiar corner of the country he looked at.

It took a long time and the right partner for the Air Force to talk him out of his combat objections once the ANG got wind of him. He turned the experimental program down flat twice; Pararescue was his focus for a reason. They had to bribe him with cutting-edge tech and the authority to refuse an assignment just to get him to agree to a first flight. The words never found their way onto an official record, at least none he knows of, but Sam had relentlessly insisted that he wouldn’t be volunteering as the next Indianapolis. Getting pushback on that assertion was when the anger first set in. The first crack in the armor of his career.

There were a lot of better angels within the service; it took most of them to get him home, tape-free, after Riley’s death. By the end of it all, it felt like every last one of them was outnumbered fifty to one. Nothing felt right anymore, including the idea of leaving the family he found in the sand to fend for themselves. The only thing that felt survivable after the world finally stopped tilting was dedicating himself to the VA.

Living for the memory of the ones he lost helped him find other reasons to want to be a person again. From there, it was mostly helping other people find reasons of their own that drove him forward.

It’s why he’s willing to delve into some shithole facility in the middle of nowhere Russia for a guy like Steve Rogers. And, on some levels, he supposes, if he absolutely has to, for a guy like Bucky Barnes. Even if he is the grouchiest motherfucker on the face of the Earth.

The lumbering moron hasn’t said a word all morning, no matter what small talk Steve tries to open with. And he’s tried everything, ever since they landed. Sam’s responded to a few of the openings himself just to try to fill the silence. He hopes it’s helping. It’s been hard to get a detailed read on the other push-pop’s triggers so far. Steve hasn’t signaled for him to stop, so.

“Cryo is through here,” Bucky rumbles under his breath. They’re the first words he’s spoken since the Quinjet.

“How many should we be expecting?” Steve asks almost as quietly.

“How many people am I asking you to put a bullet through, you mean.”

Steve stops halfway through the door Bucky’s directed them to. “We haven’t decided if that’s what we’re going to—”

“Maybe you haven’t decided. I’ll do it if you won’t.” The former sergeant doesn’t turn around. He keeps walking, getting closer to the stocky metal pods.

Sam already hates this. He already hates this a whole fucking lot. Captain America coming to him with a request to take the headcase to Russia was always going to get weird; he knew that. But he’s been very clear on what he’s down for, and now they’re in murder and war crime weird. He’d like to start slowing down the crazy train—

Steve holds up his hand. “Bucky, listen, it doesn’t have to—”

“Fuck off. You have no idea what it’s like to sit in this hell. You two can wait outside if you’re so uncomfortable. I’ve got it from here.”

Mmm. That’s the voice of a guilt-ridden survivor. Sam recognizes it well. At least it’s giving him a bead on where today’s drive is coming from. “You mean the hell we pulled you from?”

Steve’s head whips around, with righteous, territorial anger in his eyes. “You’re right, Buck; we don’t. But—”

“But you don’t know what they want,” Sam forcefully finishes, staring back at Steve. He banks on the fact that, technically, they’re not really disagreeing. Steve’s trying to back him down, too, in his own way. “Taking away their chance at the same new life you’re getting isn’t—”

Bucky’s cybernetic fist comes crashing down on one of the corroded desks, making the rusted metal whine in protest, deforming to the shape of his fingers. “You two don’t fucking get it.” He turns, angrily tugging his hand back to his side. The assassin doesn’t advance, but his posture is more than ready for it as he glares at them with pure contempt. “You think you’re going to find people in those tanks—humans, with hearts and minds and hopes and dreams. There might as well be skeletons getting freezer-burned in those goddamn caskets because that’s the only salvageable thing you’ll find. You fucking—”

He laughs, the sound empty, and turns back around to send his fist into the side of the table, knocking it across the room. He doesn’t face them again. “You fuckers! You take a fucking look at me. Take a good, long look. I am half��alive. I had a radiation-free knockoff keeping me upright through their bullshit. You wanna know what they had? Something that might as well have been piss mixed in some fucking snow. Worthless trash those Nazi bastards bottled up and stuck in a needle.”

“Bucky—” Steve tries to calm his best friend as the man’s voice breaks. Sam could tell him from first-hand experience how well that’s going to go over.

There was a lot of screaming in that desert. A lot of grief disguised as anger. A lot of old ideals leaving newly-shattered men one seething tear at a time.

“They were zombies by the time HYDRA was done injecting them. Do you get that? Are you two grasping the concept? They were rabid dogs I trained to respond to whistles. Rotting corpses that I taught how to aim. And that was before their brains shorted out on them. I looked into every single one of their eyes. I saw what looked back. Fuck species—what was in there was not fucking alive. Fuck you—fuck you so fucking much for even fucking suggesting I should leave them like that—like animated fucking cadavers—hooked up to some fucking machine just to breathe—”

“James.”

Bucky’s flood of words finally cuts off, and Sam isn’t sure if it’s because of the use of his first name or the way he swallows as if he’s choking. His flesh hand comes down on the back of the chair that started out tucked under the table. It keeps the guy upright while he pulls in a few breaths that look painful, even through the curtain of dark brown hair.

“Let’s see what’s what first,” Sam suggests as diplomatically as he can manage. He doesn’t take a step forward, mostly because he doesn’t see Steve take one. “Then we go from there.”

“You’re going to hate what you see.” Bucky scoffs bitterly. “You think you know, but you don’t. You’re going to hate me for bringing you here. For the rest of your lives.”

Steve moves forward, finally, but he stays a few feet to Bucky’s seven o’clock. “I’m not dumb enough to make you any promises about not hating what I see here. I haven’t even looked in one, and I already know you’re right on the money when it comes to that. But I can promise that you’ll always be wrong about me hating you for any of this.”

“So can I,” Sam assures. There’s not a doubt in his mind now that he understands where they’re at.

—

Bucky’s up at 0500. 

He hasn’t slept a minute later than that since the first night his body adjusted to New York’s timezone, no matter what hour he falls asleep. He doesn’t attempt more than upright power naps on away missions. They’re the only thing that gets him any rest outside of his room in the tower. 

It’s the same every morning. First, he works on his back, popping away the stiffness one awkward bend of his limbs at a time. From there, the extra thick comforter gets picked up off the floor, then the blanket and the lopsided pillow. They always get tossed on top of the bed he’s never used. Except on Saturdays, when he does his laundry. That’s when they get put in a basket to be taken to Natasha’s room. She won’t let him have his own washing machine until he starts using the bed.

So, every Saturday, he shows up with his little pile at 0800 because Natasha won’t unlock the door until then. A pillowcase. A blanket and matching comforter. Two shirts, usually henleys, five black tanks, and two different tactical pants. One pair of gloves. His singular monkey suit gets taken to the cleaners whenever he’s forced to wear it, which thankfully isn’t often.

His dress uniform hasn’t come out of the box Steve dropped it off in after getting it pulled from the goddamn Smithsonian. Bucky hasn’t laid eyes on it since 1943.

While he’s working his hair up into a serviceable bun, he thinks about Natasha’s recommendation to start braiding it before he sleeps. He doesn’t like the idea of something that tight sitting against his head, especially at night. Maybe if he lets his hair grow out a little more. He wants to keep the shoulder length it’s at now, though. It looks good on him. He wants to know what asking someone to pull on it feels like. Eventually. 

Online dating has been… overwhelming, to say the least.

He’s reaching for the medkit in the drawer under his bathroom sink when the mental image of Ava creeps in. He isn’t trying to blow off the hippie’s orders. Honestly, the thought of their deal hadn’t crossed his mind until he got to this part of his day. Resisting the urge yesterday had been difficult. He knew ahead of time that today was going to be much worse. It means pushing through a repeated break in his pattern.

That voice, the one that insists he should tell Steve to fuck off much more, rears its head. His flesh hand twitches with the reflex to finish his usual routine. To show up late to her office with some blase excuse about doing it out of habit. He could sell the lie without even trying. Entire countries have fallen thanks to his expertise with it. She wouldn’t have a shot in hell at knowing the difference.

He could work his way out of this with ease. Steve already feels guilty about making him pull a hard stop during his first visit, even if he won’t say the words. It’s the perfect opening to establish a line and push it away to give himself some room, one step at a time.

With a decisive flick of his wrist, Bucky shuts the drawer holding his medkit. For the second time since he was allowed to travel without a handler, he walks away from his morning routine without treating the cybernetics on the back of his neck.

It makes his skin feel wrong—off, unsettled—as he gets his standard gear on. He’s still grounded, thanks to Steve, so it’s the version he’s got closest to fatigues. He hopes the doctor doesn’t mind rolling down a polyester turtleneck to get at his brain port. He almost skips going to the gym for his workout, but that would worsen the off feeling. And he’d have to sit around with nothing to do for hours waiting for their first scheduled maintenance. 

He slides his phone into his back pocket, intent on heading to his standard morning haunt. A few hours of going through his paces in the gym will help his nerves. When his mind offers up the suggestion that a workout before seeing the cute doctor could be—advantageous, he tries not to linger in it. 

The idea certainly doesn’t make him feel bad. It’s even sort of... motivating in its own way. It... contributes to his reasons for doing a few extra sets on the bench. And adding a quick rock wall climb. There are others, of course. Being chained to the tower like a toddler in timeout because his best friend is an asshole is certainly one of them. He tacks on more time at the reinforced, Super-Soldier-proof punching bag to ease that particular frustration.

Even with the additions to his cardio, he’s still got an hour to kill before their appointment. He fills it by heading for the roof of the tower. It’s not even 0900, so no one but a few graveyard stragglers are out in the open space. SHIELD agents like him that are married to the job, catching a glimpse of the sun and a few puffs of nicotine before going to crash. Bucky stops to help one of them struggling with her lighter, offering up his spare Bic. The other agent smiles at him in tired appreciation before hovering the end of her cigarette over the flame. He counts it as contributing to his social life. He’ll figure out how to phrase it to get his therapist off his ass later. 

The brain trust’s space is, unsurprisingly, effortless to find. Ava wasn’t kidding; it’s actually tucked away in one corner of the roof, hidden along the wall that extends up to the tower’s executive launch bay. Bucky had expected them to claim a spot overlooking the Avenger’s balcony. Then again, he’s heard she’s pretty close friends with Tony, so maybe he shouldn’t have. She probably knows better by now. 

There’s another collection of gargantuan chairs, this time made out of wicker and upholstery that feels soft when he runs his fingers over it. A tapestry rivaling the paint swatches at Steve’s supply store is mounted to the wall behind them. Two poles hold it at the opposite corners, keeping it blowing slightly in the wind as it hangs over the collected seating. The coffee table in the middle has a lockbox sitting on it, with SHEILDs insignia embossed on the lid. 

He’s got level seven clearance these days. He could still easily get through that lock, even if he didn’t. It’s going to drive him batshit, not knowing what’s in it before she takes him up here herself. 

Bucky turns around and gets halfway back to the door to the stairwell before the buzzing in his neck builds too much for comfort. He grinds his teeth through the sensation. He even manages to force himself another few steps forward. But, ultimately, the buzzing wins out, and he spins again with a vicious curse. 

The confirmation chime of his clearance override feels too loud, even out here in the open. The top of the lockbox rolls back, revealing a set of playing cards, a jumbled collection of stress toys, a SHEILD standard medkit, and some candles. He almost leaves without checking the medkit. He’s so close to being able to stomach the idea. 

Almost. 

There’s nothing sinister to be found in it once it’s open. It’s stock issue. Not one of the item counts is off, but the lot numbers don’t match, meaning she maintains it regularly. Knowing that information feels invasive, despite being convinced she wouldn’t mind how he got it.

This. Isn’t. Siberia. Ava Ryder is not going to put a gun in his hand. She is not a risk to him. 

Bucky leaves the roof, headed for her lab. He’s going to tell her he went snooping. He can do that, at least—a bare minimum level of respect to offer her. 

She’s not in her office when he gets through the painted door at 0857. Only one of the doctors is behind the glass today. It’s the other woman—the American-born German. Hannah. Her head is down, focused on a tablet under her hands, with wireless earbuds peaking out from her dirty blonde hair. A hologram of a brain Bucky doesn’t recognize is running next to her. It’s not his; there’s no spider webbing. One of their other patients then. 

He takes a seat in the same chair he used during his last visit. “JARVIS?”

“Good morning, Sergeant Barnes,” the AI responds with nothing but tranquility. “Something you need?”

“Can you tell the doc I’m ready when she is?”

“Of course. Dr. Ryder has not yet entered the building. I’ll let her know you’ve arrived.”

Bucky frowns. “Ah—cancel that. Is she—“ Don’t ask him to track her, you dumbfuck. That’s weird. “Never mind. I’ll wait.”

This is New York. He’s not even sure what part of the city she lives in. For all he knows, she could be stuck in a cab uptown. He can pull the stick out of his ass long enough to give her room to be human. 

He sits there in silence, sunken into pillows with his leg bouncing rapidly, and talks himself up in his head. He’s not uncomfortable. He’s not going to bullshit his way out of this. This is good; it’s going to help him. Bucky is happy about that. It’s a relief to be facing this after a lifetime of running. 

By 0901, he wants to leave. The urge is nearly overwhelming. He makes it to 0904 before he stands up. It takes until 0906 to convince himself to sit back down. 

“I have an incoming message from Dr. Ryder if you wish to hear it, Sergeant Barnes,” JARVIS tells him eleven minutes after the appointment was supposed to start. 

Thank god. “Play it.”

“Morning, JAR!” Her voice is muffled in the recording. She’s got something in her mouth. She’s also in the most broken-down piece of shit in the city by the sounds of it, so not a cab. The subway, maybe? It should be a lot louder than that. “Tell Bucky I’m about fifteen minutes behind and that I’m very sorry. Oh—and tell him to pick the candle!”

His eyebrows lift in confused surprise. “I’m picking a candle?”

“Choosing a candle to burn is part of the daily routine of lab 5923. Dr. Ryder and I usually decide on one, but the option is left open for patients. You will find a box behind her desk; there is a wide array to select from.”

“You pick it together?” Bucky prods, the corner of his lips twitching as he gets back up to check for said box. 

“She enjoys having someone to banter with about them. Dr. Schuster doesn’t usually have anything to contribute to the topic. Dr. Combs only has so many opinions on the matter. He is not overly particular about the olfactory state of the lab.”

“Is Ava?” It’s getting easier to refer to her by her first name alone. It helps that it’s made her smile the handful of times he’s done it. 

“Not especially. I would call her enthusiastic. She finds the options comforting, and there are very few that she doesn’t enjoy.”

“No kidding,” Bucky mutters as he pulls open the top of a very large box. He smelled the thing long before he picked it up, and looking at what’s inside confirms everything the AI’s telling him. There are dozens of them in here, and most of them are unburned. Various shapes and gimmicky scent names stare back at him. Not a lot of Bath & Bodyworks, he’s noticing. 

The hippie is a small business aficionado. How utterly shocking. 

He pushes around the amassed jars for a few minutes. His mind files away a few options he wants to try for later if they don’t get used up on the days he won’t be here. Definitely before he finishes talking her out of demanding these appointments. He picks up one that claims to smell like cranberries and peppermint for a test sniff. 

Thanks to the combination, the barest hint of the ghost of a memory comes over him. One that whispers the name of his mother. This happens sometimes. A fragment that’s still hanging on by a thread will float by. They never have much context, not anything he can typically extrapolate on, infuriatingly enough. Just his mind taunting him that something should be there, but it isn’t. 

He picks that candle, and it doesn’t make him sad as he lights it. None of his pieced-together memories of the life he never got to finish do anymore. He takes them in stride and tries to enjoy what he can. 

That’s what Ma would have wanted.

—

Ava hip-checks the door to her office somewhere around 9:30. 

This is already shaping up to be a terrible second impression. All that grief she gave Bucky about leaving things in her capable hands, and now here she is, showing up late and half-showered to the appointment that’s supposed to finish acclimating him. 

“I am so sorry,” she rushes out, dumping her bag on the closest available surface. It ends up being one of the novelty end tables tucked between the consultation chairs. At least she finally took the one shaped like a leg home. “I completely overslept, and then I wanted to grab you something from my favorite bagel place—do you want one, by the way?” She waves a finger at her bag, then at Bucky, who watches her as she walks and talks her way to her desk. “They’re in that side pouch, the ones that have cream cheese are wrapped up separately. I didn’t know if you were a plain butter kind of New Yorker. Anyways, there was this mouth-breathing dickhead who—” 

She stops and takes a deep breath in when her over-taxed mind finally registers the smell around her. 

“Good morning,” he says from the chairs, amusement coloring his tone. 

She spins on her heel, her glasses jostling with the motion, chuckling softly. “Good morning, Sergeant. Sorry. This is what happens when you talk to me before the coffee finishes evening out in my bloodstream. Fantastic choice, by the way. What is that? It’s peppermint—something.”

“Peppermint and cranberries.” His lips pull up into a half-smile that absolutely sells her on the idea of him being a serial heartstopper in the 30s. “Advertised in what looked like a mushroom cloud.”

Ava’s chuckling turns into an outright bark of laughter as she pulls her work tablet from behind her keyboard. “Yeah. That sounds about right. One of the candle makers I buy from is an anarchist working out of a garage. Great stuff, even if you do have to listen to the most ass backwards view of free trade to get the guy to send you his stock. Good morning to you, too, JARVIS, now that I’m not babbling around a mouthful of food.”

“No need to worry; I’ve become very fluent in your language of scarfing,” JARVIS assures. 

“My mother would keel over if she heard you say that.” Ava waddles over to her latest patient, tablet in one hand and medkit in the other. She puts the kit down on the arm of his chair, in the same spot she put the scanner case last time. He looks much less nervous now, and she gives him a warm smile to encourage that. “I know you don’t want me talking your ear off, and the breakfast offer can wait until we’re done, so let’s get down to this.”

Bucky’s mouth opens. There’s a moment of hesitation before he says anything. She doesn’t try to rush him through it. “What’s the plan, doc?”

“Paige won’t be back from the field until later today at the earliest, so I don’t have anything new for you to test. I passed along your request for the field kit dimensions. She says making something that portable shouldn’t be a problem.” Ava taps on the black sleeve of his shirt. “How comfortable are you with the idea of using nanotech?”

“As in the tiny robots Tony’s always testing?”

“Mhmm.”

“For what? My neck?” He raises his hand to the general area of the port, and she hears him scratching at the fabric over it. “I don’t think it’s—I thought this kind of opening couldn’t be—”

“I don’t mean for closing it off,” she corrects quickly, wanting to avoid a misunderstanding that might get his hopes up. “I want to program a batch specifically for daily care of your implants. The port and your shoulder. Something you can keep in safe housing for use in the field. Now—I want to make sure you understand something upfront. This won’t change my professional opinion; you need to have a specialist looking at this on an extremely frequent basis. However, I would prefer it if you had the nanotech as a safety net. The more of this that we can automate for you, the better.”

“I can agree to that. I’m guessing the bug bots don’t come with a manual.”

Ava moves behind him, mostly to hide how the grumpy old man routine is making her grin from ear to ear. “They usually don’t need one. I’ll be making you a checklist to go over if that makes you feel better.”

“You don’t—that’s—” He hesitates again, making her stop before she can make contact with his neck. “You don’t have to keep... doing stuff. Like that. I’m alright with trusting the bug bots.”

Another piece of Ava Ryder’s heart breaks for Bucky Barnes. “That's great to hear. But, just so you know, I’m going to hand you a checklist anyways.”

“Alright.” His head barely nods; she’s guessing because he can feel her fingers hovering. The evaluations of his senses were so off the charts it set a new testing standard for SHIELD. “That’s—appreciated.”

“You don’t have to worry so much about the manners.” Pressing down with a disinfectant, she circles her thumb around the port, wanting to get it done before moving to his shoulder. That’s going to need a shirt removal. She leans down and shifts to a conspiratorial whisper. “I’m not reporting them back to Steve.”

“Don’t worry; my work wife will come to weasel it out of you or JARVIS all on his own.”

Ava giggles quietly, her eyes honed in on clearing the excess buildup. “You’re not having fun being married to Captain America?”

“Oodles,” he deadpans, making her giggles worsen.

She gives him a break from the small talk while she finishes working on his neck. At some point, she’ll need to put together a specialized blend for loosening up the scar tissue; the skin around it is dried to hell and back from years of sterile wipes. She doubts comfort has been much of a concern, and she’s not about to recommend putting generic lotion over it, but this is ridiculous. There’s no reason for him to live with pain like that.

“I don’t suppose a man from the 30s is going to appreciate being given a moisturizing routine.”

“Nat’s going to be thrilled.”

“She’s your work husband, I’m guessing?”

“She likes to act like it.” Bucky turns his head to glance back for a split second just as she leans forward to swap out for an ointment. The way his head jerks back into place lets her know he got an eyeful of cleavage on the journey. It perfectly mirrors how his eyes snapped up from her chest when he first walked in. She’s not exactly embarrassed about it, but she does feel bad watching him shift around nervously. “But I’m not dumb enough to argue. About that. With her.”

The awkward charm is starting to make her cheeks hurt. “Sounds like a reasonable choice. I hear arguing with Russian women isn’t a smart idea in general.”

“Not if you want to keep your limbs attached.”

“Is it too early for me to start asking for state secrets? Like, say, if the Winter Soldier happened to get his ass handed to him by a former commie?”

“I’m pretty sure she was still a commie the first time.”

“The first time?” Ava asks with excited delight, her hand pausing on his shoulder.

“There were a few run-ins. She’ll remember more of them.” Bucky grimaces with annoyance. “Worse, she’ll be willing to tell them to you.”

“Would you be willing to let me hear them?” she goads.

His shoulders lift with a strained sigh. “Sure, let’s call it willing.”

“You’ll have to remind me if I’m lucky enough to meet her.” She drums her finger on his mechanical shoulder. “Gonna need you to take this shirt off, superstar.”

“Off? Wait, what did you just—” Bucky shakes his head with a quiet huff of laughter. “I’ve got the arm covered.”

“I know, that’s the problem.”

“Alright, smartass. You know damn well what I meant. I took care of it before I came here; it wasn’t part of our deal.”

“Does gross puss leak out of it?”

She can see his eyes roll, even with his head only partially turned. “You know it does.”

“And is it attached to your brain?”

“Ava—really, I’ve got this.” His head turns all the way, and the smile comes back, in full force this time, and oh. Oh, she can absolutely believe that he broke half the hearts in Brooklyn during his reign of terror.

She leans down into his space, letting her arms rest on the back of his chair. “You know what I’ve got?”

His lips purse in resigned amusement. “Multiple medical degrees?”

“You betcha. They were stupid hard to earn, too, so I’d appreciate it if you could start taking that into account.”

“I’m not trying to dismiss them—”

“Just the expertise that they gave me.” When his smile turns guilty, she shifts her weight as naturally as she can to push her chest against her arms in compensation. She doesn’t miss the way he blinks a split second later. Such a gentleman. It almost makes her feel bad. “I don’t mind you arguing the point of your independence. I’m glad for it, Bucky. It tells me that you really want this to work. I hope you can start trusting that when I suggest against it, I’m doing it with your health in mind. Nothing more. You can tell me what you’re comfortable with from there.”

He stares at her like he’s in pain. For an almost uncomfortably long time. “I broke into your lockbox.”

Ava blinks at the sudden shift. “Okay. Wait—my what? Are you talking about the candle box? That doesn’t even have a lock—”

“Your stuff on the roof. You keep a SHEILD issue safe up there. On the table. I used my override.”

It takes a moment to piece together what he’s getting at. She’s been running late since she woke up on Paige’s couch at 7:50 something. The only thing in her bloodstream right now is caffeine; there was no time for a wake-and-bake. “Oh. Oh, oh, that’s just... it’s not locked locked; we don’t really care if anyone uses the stuff in it. We just needed something to put it in that the weather can’t get to.” She smiles at him as his shoulders relax. “You went to see our little corner?”

Bucky shrugs. “I was around.”

“Mhmm, I’m sure. And bouncing off the walls with Steve’s lockdown, no doubt. The faster you get that shirt off, the faster you and I can iron out a plan to get you back in the field. Work with me here, Barnes.”

Bucky stands up with a sigh, and his hands move to his shirt. He pauses while they cling to the bottom of it, his arms crossed. Once again, she doesn’t push him through his hesitation. “I don’t mind if you talk about things. Steve only said that shit about being direct to keep me from stalling my way out of this.”

Ava’s eyebrows pull in while she thinks over the words. “Is that the only thing he’s lied about? I don’t care if you two keep secrets, but you can’t bullshit about your mental health with me. I need to know what makes you uncomfortable; otherwise, I can’t do my job.”

“That’s all I can think of,” he assures her, and she believes him despite the wording. 

“In that case, you’re kind of stupid, full offense.”

It’s Bucky’s turn with the blinking. “Excuse me?”

“You signed yourself up for morning appointments, and you just gave me permission to talk your ear off. You’re an absolute moron; now take off that shirt so I can make sure your brain doesn’t melt.”

—

She has a pet cat named Oreo, of all fucking things. 

It’s hairless. And dumb as a box of rocks, according to her. The name comes from the huge black spots in its—pattern. He can’t exactly use the word fur. She was highly offended when he called the cat a ballsack while she was showing him her lock screen. He got smacked on the arm for the comment.

It’s not her first pet. She got it partly to mourn the snake she adopted in college, a rosy boa called Sayer that finally died at 32. She used the reptile as companionship and motivation to push through her first PhD. The one letting her work on his brain now. It was named after the lead character from her favorite medical movie, Awakenings. When Bucky mentioned that he’s never seen it, she made him swear up and down that he’ll text her his honest reactions if he ever dares to rip his own heart out with questionable ethics.

So now he’s got her number saved in his phone. It’s the 11th one he’s added. Two of them are therapists. None of the others are people outside of SHIELD. He’s pretty sure one of the therapists is a plant from Natasha, so maybe he should start counting them toward the SHIELD column.

There were only nine others over the course of his online dating attempts. None of them stayed on his phone for more than a month before getting deleted. He wasn’t about to let his therapist catch their names on his contact list.

Bucky switches the grape-flavored lollipop in his mouth over to his right cheek. Ava gave it to him. Bopped him right on the nose with one and then let him pick from an array of five like the blatant bribery it is. The good doctor smiled at him while she did it, too.

May it bring you back in good spirits and better health.

It’s the nicest way he’s ever been told to fuck off for being a grouch. It made him smile. Him. James Buchanan Barnes, in the year of 2018.

She’s.… Christ, calling the woman a handful in this day and age feels insulting. He’s not put off by it. Overwhelmed a little, maybe, but he gets the feeling she’s alright with him taking time to warm up to it. Hell, he gets the feeling that not much bothers her at all. It makes him envious. 

He likes the way she speaks. Not just the crazy and the swearing, though that’s its own comfort. There’s a—it sounds so stupid, but there’s a kind of music to it. She always talks in the same calm rhythm, despite the chaos usually found in her words. He didn’t notice the way it makes his foot stop bouncing until halfway through the appointment.

Bucky scowls. “Davis. Why am I looking at a lost signal?”

The level four analyst Steve’s been telling him to ease up on lately freezes in his swivel chair. His head turns, nervously searching the wall of security feeds. Bucky doesn’t offer up any help. “Sorry, sir, I can’t seem to spot which—”

“Third row from the top, eighth from the left. The one I’m supposed to be monitoring for an illegal exchange of nuclear materials, so if you wouldn’t mind—”

“Yes, sorry, restoring connection now. Apologies, Sergeant, I’ll—keep a closer eye on it.” The agent starts mumbling the rest of his intended sentence, mostly about how many he’s keeping track of, when he cuts himself off. His shoulders pull in a bit, almost chastised. It always takes people a minute to remember the super hearing.

He could let it hang. The feed is fixed; he can go back to staring at an empty lot without interruption.

“You’re doing fine.” Bucky feels bad because he’s having an unordinarily good day. That’s all it is. Nothing more. “Restructure your feed priorities. You can hand most of these off to JARVIS; that’s what he’s patched in for. Focus on the ones your gut doesn’t like.”

“Thank you, sir. I’ll start on that now.” The words don’t even sound spiteful.

Bucky sits back against the executive bench of the Datacrux. The stiff leather creaks with the motion, the rigid frame under it keeping him grounded. He tilts his head from side to side, letting it crack and readjust incrementally. His neck doesn’t feel as tight as it should. When he touched it in Ava’s lab, the skin felt even softer than it did after her first round on him. He’s trying not to touch it now. He doesn’t want to irritate it. This is the best it’s felt in—

He doesn’t have a year, he realizes. He can’t remember the one he woke up to cybernetics in. He has no idea when his first taste of cyborg life was. There’s a vague lead, a number written out on paper to fill in the blanks of what’s been destroyed. An estimation anchored around the last day of his former life. But he doesn’t know.

At least you’re still breathing, the better angel in his mind coaxes.

Switching which leg is balanced on which knee, Bucky settles back into his work. It’s been six months since the last lead on his responsibility. There’s been no chatter from the known HYDRA cells, no underground protection contracts with suspiciously good track records hitting Natasha’s web, no suspicious Black Market transfers that scream safe house establishment, nothing. Wherever the Soldats are, they’re being kept under wraps. 

His hounds wouldn’t be able to be contained for anywhere near this long. They’re dead or sedated, no matter where they were smuggled. Otherwise, they’d have surfaced already.

Bucky tries not to think about what a life of not knowing will feel like. He doesn’t know if that’s worse than the idea of burying them. They’re certainly not staring down the barrel of a happy ending at this point. How do you mourn—a situation like that? He can’t even figure out how the hell he’s supposed to be fixing it.

Somewhere out there are the last ravaged pieces of a serum that never should have been made. It’s floating, cobbled together and left to rot, in the veins of men and women who didn’t know what they were signing up for. He remembers having to hold their shoulders down whenever the survival instinct kicked in during the first few injections. He remembers watching their faces as they screamed for a mercy no one in that facility was ever going to grant them. He remembers carrying the bodies of the ones that died in the night, over and over for months, all the way to the incinerator.

Bucky tosses the tablet in his lap off to a spot next to his leg out of disgust. His eyes shut, and his hands come up to rub them hard enough to hurt. He needs sleep. Good, honest to god, medication-induced sleep. He hates relying on those damn pills—it’s not as if they help the other half of his problem, anyhow. Falling asleep is only the start of it. The real kicker is staying unconscious, and nothing he can find, even behind the counter, is going to work on his system for that long.

He needs it, though. It’s been weeks since he got more than a handful of hours at a time. Months since he slept for longer than eight. Steve always talks about crashing for ten at a time after an extended mission, and it makes him want to punch his best friend’s lights out. He’ll never say that out loud, of course, but god. If fucking only.

None of his anger toward Steve ever feels fair. The guy had the world’s worst life before the serum, and he’ll bare his teeth at anyone who tries guilting the captain out of the notion. None of them understand what kind of fresh hell it was being Steve Rogers, and all his undying spirit, while trapped in a body with ten billion health issues. If ever there was someone who earned the responsibility of that serum, it’s him, and Bucky’s damn proud of him for it. He spends his days trying to live up to it himself.

He looks over at the back of the analyst with a guilty expression. People used to dismiss Steve the same way he dismisses people now, whenever the anger simmers. 

“Davis, pull up your priority flags.”

The level four glances back nervously, then clears his throat and refocuses on his terminal. “It’s alright, sir, I’m working on sorting them now—”

“I know. That’s what we’ll be going over.”

“I—” Davis hesitates for a long moment. Bucky stares at the back of his head. “Sergeant Barnes, I’m very sorry about the—”

“This isn’t a reprimand.” Bucky clears his own throat, trying to knock the aggression out of his tone. It’s. A lot more difficult than he was expecting. “You’re new here, so I’m gonna give you the crash course. I’m in here a lot, at all hours. You won’t get a heads-up about it; I’m just going to show up. When I do, there are certain hotspots I’m going to need you to keep focused on. They’re not going to be tied to any active case. You’re not going to be able to tell which ones I need. I’m going to tell you what’s already on my radar, and you can establish your own categories from there. I’ll tell you what else I need you to add as it comes up.”

“Oh.” A little hope is entering the analyst’s tone. “Yeah, that—you know, that sounds like what I do for Romanoff already.”

Bucky frowns. The hell it does. She has exactly three people on the face of this Earth that she trusts to handle something like this for her. He’s willing to do it for convenience, and because he doesn’t give a shit what SHEILD sees him prioritize. He worked very hard to not give a shit about it, too. But Natasha doesn’t work like that; she’s very particular about her web of information—

His face goes completely slack as the connection finally happens in his mind. He’s going to kill her. No—actually. He’s never going to bring it up, ever, and they’re both going to die before a word ever gets said about it.

That’s just how their brand of family works.

“Yeah. Exactly like how Romanoff has you do it. Pull up her file structure; let’s go over what I’ll need you to change for my end.”

—

“Bitch! It feels like I haven’t hugged you in a year!”

It’s the only warning Ava gets before she’s tackled from behind. She braces her hands on the engineering bench in front of her, barely catching herself from crashing into it. “Two weeks and three days, but who’s counting? How was the flight home, whore?”

Paige leaves a loud, sloppy smooch on her left temple before backing away to let her up from the attack. “That part was fine—it was the team I got paired with, ugh. You’d have hated the guy runnin’ it.”

“How bad are we talking?”

“Eh, your typical good’ ol boy. Mister my way or the highway, with an ego the size’a the fuckin’ Potomac to match. You know the type. Spent the whole mission criticizin’ my tech.”

She looks over at her in surprised confusion. Paige taking shit from other agents is nothing new; that comes with the territory of her personality and most people’s assumptions. Her work is usually the one thing they leave alone. “How critical are we talking?”

“That was the thing—it was the dumb kind. The kind that could’a been avoided if he’d maybe RTFM.”

“And he made it your problem?”

“Over and over. Every ten minutes, it was—” Paige shimmies her upper body dramatically, her voice going low and gravelly. “Why can’t my AIO do this? How do I make it do that? Rogers’ team gets the reliable gear; why are we always stuck with the second rate?”

“He said that to your face?” Ava’s about ready to march through the tower to find the prick herself.

“Not that last one. That was to his buddy when the dipstick thought his comm was off. I got a half-baked publicist apology over it, and I’m pretty sure he only did it to save face in front of the team for leavin’ the mic open.”

“Report his ass.”

Paige waves a hand dismissively, then dumps her go-bag unceremoniously on the workbench. “I ain’t gon’ waste my time. I’ll let him hang his own noose; I’m sure he’ll get around to it with that attitude. Oh! I’ve got a mock-up for your pretty boy.”

Ava smiles, tossing one of her best friend’s rolls of duct tape between her hands. “I didn’t say he was pretty.”

“Puh-lease. You texted about his hair.”

“With the amount of shit man-buns have taken, it was surprising to see on a guy from a less than accepting decade.”

“You only notice stuff like that when you’re lookin’.” Paige tips her head forward, letting her heart-shaped sunglasses fall to the end of her nose. Her eyebrows waggle enthusiastically. “Is he as big as Rogers? I can never tell in the press photos with him always loomin’ like a gargoyle.”

The smile turns deviously smug. “He’s a little smaller than your not-so-secret admirer. You gotta figure that’s expected without the Vita Radiation.”

Paige reaches out to shove at her shoulder. “I don’t think Rogers has really nailed down what modern flirtin’ is yet. Ain’t fair to pin that on the guy. He’s so sweet! And I give him art projects! And anyhow, he rushes outta here like his ass is on fire most of the time—”

“It’s so weird how that happens whenever your dad shows up to hang out.”

She gets a very unimpressed look in response. “You’re readin’ int’a things.”

Leaning in close, Ava squints and whispers, “You’re being oblivious.” She backs up, her smugness returning. “So, I take it our friendship never comes up while you’re giving the captain art projects.”

“I... hmm. Not that I can remember. Why?” Paige looks over suddenly, then back at the bag she’s unloading with more than her usual level of interest. “Did he bring me up durin’ the visit?”

The glitter-sniffing demon not being allowed to communicate with her has been utter hell for two weeks and three days. But it comes with the upside of getting to drop this bomb on her all at once. “No, but I brought you up during Bucky’s first visit. That’s when Rogers realized he’d read your best friend the riot act the week before.”

Paige’s eyes go saucer wide. “You’re kiddin’. You got chewed out by America’s Sweetheart?”

“Funny enough, I called him the same thing while he was huffing and puffing in my office.”

“What the hell happened while I was gone? Did—” Her head swivels around, checking who’s around them. “Did? Y’know?”

Ava shakes her head, then hikes herself up to sit on the workbench next to the bag. “Nothing like that. Turns out he was going for a trial run, trying to see how well I hold up against a bad episode. Stormed into my office, playing up the asshole captain routine just to see what I’d do. Apparently, Tony set him up for it by not telling him about my VA work. He let out the hot air the second I called him on it. He’s pretty cute when he’s blushing, by the way.”

“Oh, tell me about it,” Paige mumbles happily, proving the accusation of obliviousness entirely right.

“The blush or the huffing?”

“I already know about the blushin’, even if I am ready to hear it again. But over dinner tonight. What’re we thinkin’?”

“You’re the one who’s been living off MREs for two weeks. What are you in the mood for?”

“Fuck, that’s a great question. Indian, definitely. No—wait! Sc-ratch that! I want Vietnamese. Actually, I want both.”

“Take-out picnic, got it.”

“And Italian donuts.”

“Okay, but I’m bringing half the order to work tomorrow. They’ll get stale if you pull an all-nighter to catch up.”

“Fiiine. Take my victory donuts to the masses, y’dirty Marxist. Lemme show ya what I worked on for Barnes before I forget.”

The field case she’s designed is cylindrical and shorter than the phones SHEILD issues most of their agents. Definitely something he’s going to be able to carry around with ease. The applicators that hook to the interior are simplistic and utilitarian. They’re entirely mechanical, with no chance of an EMP being able to disable them—a request from the Sergeant himself. 

“Tony says I can requisition some nannies whenever—I just gotta get your signature on the form since they’re medical grade.”

Ava tosses an olive from the jar she keeps stashed in Paige’s mini-fridge into the air. She catches it in her mouth on the first try for once. “You have one filled out already? I can sign it now; I know you like putzing around with them for a few days ahead of time.”

“Eh, it’s a standard cleaner tag; I’m not gon’ sweat it. I know you’re all worried about his brainstem and whatnot—”

“That’s usually part of my job description, yeah.”

“—but I feel like sterile’s sterile. Ain’t no way I can make the man cleaner than clean, y’know? Now, if you wanna talk settin’ ’em up for emergency maintenance, that’s a different story—”

“Your not-crush just walked into engineering,” Ava interrupts lowly, wanting to avoid the enhanced hearing even from way the hell over here.

In the most conspicuous way imaginable, Paige whips her head around to stare directly at the bay’s front entrance. In a rival amount of obviousness, Captain Rogers slowly works his way through the amassed benches, his gaze landing everywhere but Paige’s station. 

Ava’s eyes roll so hard it’s physically painful. It’s been one thing hearing Paige talk about getting drop-in visits from the super soldier who just so happens to enjoy the blueprints framed over her workbench. It’s another to see it play out in person. 

“He’s prob’ly here to check on the kit for Barnes,” Paige whispers back, tugging off her novelty shades.

“Yeah, that’s definitely why he won’t look at you right now—”

“He’s takin’ in the work goin’ on. He’s a curious guy, you know that—”

“And why he’s walking slow enough to trip over his own feet.”

“He’s admirin’ the—”

“He’s working up the nerve—”

“If you don’t fuck off with that, you lunatic—”

“Alright, now you’re being hopeless on purpose—”

“Good afternoon, Ms. Findley. I hope the trip was—oh.” Steve stops dead in his tracks, three feet from Paige’s farthest desk, his eyes finally landing on Ava. He smiles sheepishly. “Hi there, Dr. Ryder.”

Her grin feels positively carnivorous. “Hello, Steve. Come to welcome home our resident space cadet?”

“Hiya, Rogers,” Paige responds, turning with a smile almost as bashful as the captains. She spins back around, busying herself with the mess of wiring she’s pulled from her bag. “Don’t pay her any mind; she’s in a mood.”

“Something happen with the appointment today?” The concern that immediately surfaces knocks some of the teasing out of Ava. 

Some.

“No, Bucky played nice, I promise. I even brought him bagels to make up for being a half-hour late. Come to think of it, that’s probably what made me a half-hour late.”

Steve’s eyes go a bit wider, his smile softening. “You two had breakfast together?”

“I ate mine in the car. He took his with him. But I like to think we did so in spirit.” Her head tilts to the side innocently, refusing to let him off the hook. “So. What brings you to engineering?”

His hand comes up to the back of his neck, his expression getting… close to nonchalant. “I had some time on my hands—don’t wanna run off on a mission with Buck being a grump about medical orders; he might sneak out. Take your time with that, by the way. It’s impossible to convince the guy to take a day off. You’d be doing him a favor if you dragged your feet a little more.”

Using a best friend for deflection is a social skill Ava mastered years ago. He’s going to have to try a lot harder. “Who wouldn’t want to kill time in engineering? The wrench monkeys get to have all the fun. Maybe you should bring Bucky next time—”

“Oh, that’s—you know, I don’t think that’d be a real—he’s very particular about where he—I think maybe—”

“I think the sergeant would love to meet you,” Ava tells Paige, who’s biting back a grin with her head pointed firmly down at her workbench. “I was telling him some stories about you this morning. I think he might share a few of his own with some time.”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Paige offers, still not looking up.

Steve lets out a nervous chuckle. “That’s—yeah, it’d—it could help out with his attempts to be social, and—you know. Hey, how was the mission, by the way? I forgot to finish asking.”

“It went just fine.” Paige shrugs, and that’s when it clicks for Ava why she was willing to jump topics so fast. Agent Dickhead really did hurt her feelings.

“Towanda,” Ava says plainly, calmly.

Her best friend’s eyes lift to hers. They stare at each other for a long moment. Paige goes through a silent argument that it’s not worth it; Ava silently insists that it very much is. It all happens through shifting eyebrows.

After a moment, Paige’s shoulders deflate, and she looks back at her work with a sigh. “You do it.”

Looking back up at a confused Steve, Ava crosses her arms over her chest. “You’ve got a real cunt running one of your away teams.”

“Oh, sweet lord,” Paige groans, her head falling into her hands with her elbows braced on the workbench. 

The captain’s eyebrows go for his hairline. “I’m sorry—I have a—I’m going to need a few more details.” He shifts his attention to Paige’s back, and his expression gets worried. “Did something happen? Who was your lead? JARVIS, can you grab me the associated reports on Ms. Findley’s latest away mission—”

“You don’t have’ta do that—“she tries to assure, her head coming up with blazing red cheeks. She hates confrontation. Absolutely despises it. 

Ava used to avoid it. She doesn’t bother much these days. “Actually, your name got thrown into the mix, Captain.” 

“Heeere we go.” Paige takes a deep breath in.

“Thrown into the mix of what?” Steve’s tone is shifting into the sub-zero range. 

“I’m not sure what Agent Fuckwad’s name is, but apparently, the guy thinks it’s not his job to understand his equipment. He also thinks it’s super cool to talk shit about the engineer that designed what he can’t wrap his head around. On an open comm. With her on the other end.”

“I have the mission data ready for transfer to your private feed, Captain Rogers,” JARVIS reports in. Ava doesn’t miss the smugness sitting in his tone, making her smile. She’s betting the AI has been fuming over this in his own way. He’s been protective of Paige ever since her first all-nighters in engineering.

There’s a boiling rage sitting in Steve’s eyes, one that’s rising by the second. When he steps up to tap the side of Paige’s arm with the back of his hand, it’s entirely held back from his voice. “Are you alright with me handling this?”

It’s Ava’s turn to raise her eyebrows in surprise. Extremely pleasant surprise.

“I—oh, fuck me runnin’.” Paige lifts her hand to scrub at her face. “Look, Rogers, I’m not tryin’ to get anyone in trouble here—”

“There are ways to go about this without leaving you holding the bag from a reputation standpoint. If the guy’s a—a... I tried, I’m sorry, I can’t get the word out—the point is, I can handle this in a way that doesn’t blow back on you.”

“Let him do it for the other people the dickwad is going to end up being a cunt to,” Ava suggests helpfully. 

“Exactly,” Steve agrees easily. 

Paige groans, shifting her weight back and forth. Finally, she nods with an uneasy sigh. “Alright. But—maybe just have it be somethin’ found from the logs? I really don’t wanna write up a—”

“Your name won’t come up. I’ll take care of it.”

Ava smiles, tossing another olive to catch in her mouth.

—

September 20th, 2015

Sam balances the plate of sliced sough dough and fresh fruit on top of a can of grape Fanta. He keeps his eyes locked on the way it wobbles back and forth as he makes his way down the hallway of the rented house. Propping the bundle of still-warm linens on his hip, he shimmies his hand off them enough to grab at the handle to Sergeant Miserable’s room.

The sack of personified despair is exactly where they last left him, hunched in on himself in the corner of the room. The pile of blankets under him used to be on the perfectly nice bed sitting in front of the window. The one with an unbelievable view of Finland’s countryside hidden behind tightly drawn curtains.

Their resident vampire, un-fucking-surprisingly, fled from it as fast as he could. Steve’s been grumbling about stealing the curtains while he’s asleep just to force the guy to look out the window on the way to the john.

Sam’s decided to start handling the food deliveries alone. It’s time to start pushing, even if Steve’s not entirely ready for it.

Bucky watches him move through the room, never saying a word. Not even when the plate of food gets put on the nightstand next to the bed, where they always leave it. He leaves them empty outside the door at night, so they know he’s actually eating. Poor bastard never looks angry, more just anguished. 

Sam sits on the side of the bed slowly, as gently as he can. He keeps his posture relaxed, his expression passive, and looks up at the newly freed prisoner of war. “You and I gotta come to an understanding on somethin’.”

Bucky’s eyes start out mostly hidden, thanks to the angle of his head. The shadows consume them entirely as his eyebrows come down. “What.”

One-word answer. That’s good. It’s a verbal day. “We gotta figure out where we’re at. Steve is too close. You’re gonna need someone pushing you on things he can’t. Things you need help with.” 

It’s not a subject he’s brought up with Steve. Being blunt feels like the better option here. He’s guessing the captain’s appeasement is starting to grate on nerves going through this much culture shock. Plus, there’s no pep-talk like a military pep-talk. 

“Do I strike you as an invalid?”

“You might not wanna—we’ll work on that. Point is, you need to start gettin’ comfortable with the new reality. Suck it up, Buttercup, the sky didn’t actually fall. The world’s still spinnin’. None of the big baddies who still know about you have the juice to catch you—”

“No, they don’t,” he confirms aggressively.

Sam rolls his eyes. “Yeah, whatever, you’re huge and scary. You’re also an idiot sitting around wasting a full pardon. No one’s expecting you to start doing a press circuit. If you wanna walk off into the sunset and go find a picket fence to park your Transylvania routine behind, we’ll help you pack and send you postcards. If you wanna do what Steve did and pick up a life in SHEILD, let’s get you fitted in some Kevlar and find you a therapist. But let’s get you outta this fuckin’ room.”

Bucky’s eyebrows stay firmly set, keeping his eyes shrouded. “Why.”

“Oh my god, could you be more dramatic? Like, shit, if you really tried?” He stands up from the bed, headed for the door, his eyes rolling again. “You wanna know why? Because that’s what people do, Bucky. They hit the ground, they figure out if they’re still breathing, and then they get back up to fix what broke. You keep going for the ones who didn’t survive the landing; because they’d hate your guts if you laid down and died over them. Your friend Steve can tell you all about that if you ever feel like giving the man the time of day. No one’s asking you to do this alone.” 

Sam stops at the door, raising one finger and pointing it back accusingly. “You know what— I’m asking you to go outside long enough for a beer in three days. Besides that, it’s up to you how slow you wanna take this.”

“What’s in three days?” The comment is thrown out on a grumble, right when Sam’s nearly got the door closed.

“My birthday, asshole. I’d like to spend it somewhere outside of this house. And, believe it or not, I’d like you to be there.”

—author end notes—

idk abt other ppls trauma foods, but man when im Goin Through Shit all i can ever stomach is bread and bubbles so, for sure inflicted that on bucko. plums i feel like are His to pick up, y'know?

im putting the idiots in my own couples counseling since im robbing bucky of his best FATWS moment so far (yes it is the wrong about me line ty for asking). i also want it on record that grammarly tried to get me to change "the 30s" to "his 30s" and i had to be like no actually i just jacked our leading man from the restricted section of the smithsonian, thanks tho babe

and now you've met paige!! the storm in a bottle herself!! she gonna smooch the shit outta stevie. gonna try to do our babe peggy proud and have her knock that dweeb off his toes at every turn (not hard). still no clue if ill do a spin-off series for them since they're just background here, but i do know im doing some kinktober stuff for them. they get 10 of the days so far (yeah. yeah, its gonna be 4some territory in the last few days, but have no fear, the main fic((s? series maybe? look man im makin a plan as we go. all i know right now is good space and kinktober)) will stay monogamy focused). so, fans of super mega dirty steve, might wanna Check Back Later for those posts 🥰

[altruisticenigma]

Wegovy Update!

**TW: weight loss, talking about weight, dieting*

Finished my month on 0.25 MG, and now I’m up to 0.5 MG!

On 0.25 MG:

- Side effects were the worst the first week. Usually after taking a dose, the effects were most felt after the first 2 days: no appetite, didn’t have cravings/didn’t eat much, very tired, and my metabolism was THROUGH THE ROOF. Like absolutely through the roof: before when exercising it felt like I had to go very extreme when working out to produce any results or get my BPM up. Now if I’m getting myself up to a moderate work-up, my BPM is at a healthy, easily obtainable range. Otherwise, I was mostly fine taking 0.25 MG. I’d gotten p good at self-injecting too!

-The dose began to wear out on me after week 3 or so. I began wanting to eat more and have minimal cravings again. I knew I’d probably need to go up a dose soon.

-I lost 4 lbs in a month!! 💃🏻🎉

On 0.5 MG:

-Currently I’m on week 2 of 0.5 MG. I skipped the initial dose when I was supposed to go up because I was going to travel internationally, and I didn’t want to 1) Travel with the pen and inject myself somewhere foreign and 2) Stress my body out more while traveling with foreign foods, jet lag, etc. On Wegovy you can skip/miss doses for a week so long as you get back on within 48 hrs the original dosing date. (I was gone for a week and a half- before I left I took my last 0.25 MG dose, skipped the week I was gone, and came back to take 0.5 MG!)

-On the first dose, I took it shortly after I got back to the US. The first few days I felt nothing much. Usual appetite loss, no cravings- but I felt like I ate MORE because I just got back to the US and was having to adjust back to eating. I could argue I was extremely tired/sleepy, but it could’ve been the jet lag.

-The days leading up to my next dose, I had stomach cramps and a loooot of bloating. Going to the bathroom hurt. It was surprising how much my symptoms changed. But after the bathroom I always felt better. Working out does help alleviate a bit of the stomach cramping/bloating.

-I just took my second week dose last night. Right now my stomach feels tight/sore, and I feel pretty tired. Right after any dose I feel pretty exhausted. I have NO appetite and I am not wanting to eat. I’m still making myself eat something nutritious with protein though.

Those are my updates with Wegovy. I seem to be finding success with it 💕 I plan on either getting a personal trainer or going to a weight training 101 class, because I honestly don’t know how to weight train my body effectively for several reasons lmao. I also need to see a doctor about my fucked up shoulder- I can’t effectively weight train because my left shoulder is wrecked, but I don’t want it to stop my progress.

I’ll keep posting every once in a while!

[singsweetmelodies]

I'm sorry for asking, but, when... when are we getting the piarles winter break fic exchange? or was that supposed to be a private thing? i miss reading piarles fics so much 😭

oh my gosh, no, please don't ever apologise for asking!! i am so glad you did, actually - we mods have just decided tonight to extend the exchange reveal date to the 16th of January 2023. you can find the exchange collection here! as of now, you will only be able to see fics showing up as "mystery works" - but at 22:00 (10:00 PM) GMT on the 16th, we will reveal the collection, and all the fics will go live! 😍 personally, i am ridiculously excited for us to flood AO3 with thirty-odd brand new piarles fics when the time comes.

but to tide you over in the days until the 16th: anon, may i recommend you a few piarles fics i've read and loved recently?

tell me, baby by @monacoprince - a new year's fic feat. the most wonderfully tender strangers to lovers/instant flirting and connection told through beautiful description and lovely character moments. i ADORED this one.

(trying to remember) how it feels to have a heartbeat by @duquesademiel - i actually just saw that this one has an update, and i nearly toppled off my bed in excitement, lmao. the monaco curse fic!! ohhh, this is definitely one of my favourite ongoing WIPs at the moment. it just captures their friendship in a way that i think is so beautiful: playful, and simultaneously so tender. this one demonstrates perfectly how piarles will do anything for each other, and i love that so very much. (i will also be rushing over to read the update as soon as i post this ask xD 😍)

There's nobody here, just us together by @formula1squids - HOT. that's the best word to describe this kinkmeme fill: hot. it's established relationship, feat. charles in lingerie (!!) and i am more than a little obsessed with the characterisation of them here, and how the author portrays how much these two want each other. spectacular one this.

andddd then of course (because who am i even if i don't sing my friends' praises from the rooftops?) the baby bi bi bi series co-created by me and my incredible writing partners @redyellowstupid and @leclerctops. very sorry for sort of plugging one of my own fics here, but the two by my friends are just SO FUCKING GOOD that there's no way i could leave them off the list. no way!! baby bi bi bi is all about charles figuring out his sexuality, and pierre being the best friend ever while he does so. (and yes, all the fic titles are *NSYNC puns. sorrynotsorry xD)

there you have it, anon! probably a much more ramble-y response than you expected (🙈) but i hope this answers your question, and gives you a bit of a piarles boost to last till the reveal date! see you on the 16th, love ❤️

[crushed-starlight]

UPDATE TIME YOU NEED SO MANY UPDATES FROM ME IT HAS BEEN ONE MILLION YEARS !!!!!!!!!

ok so . yknow how the main original point of this blog was for me to rant about my feelings for meadow? and then i slowly realized that this might not be the healthiest thing to pursue? WELL IT GOT WORSE.

over the winter break p much everyone went home to wherever they lived before uni. during that time, meadow hung out with their 2 friends from before and very quickly and chaotically fell in love with one of them ,, we'll call him wells 2, the sequel to wells in terms of people that meadow has liked that aren't me !!

over winter they got ,, very intimate very fast (it didn't help that wells 2 had just gotten out of a pretty long term relationship lmao) and i got to hear all about it in excruciating detail from meadow .. it was at some point around this time that i decided i desperately needed to stop crushing on them. i decided to just will it out of existence bc i was so tired of the pining and it had become painfully obvious that my feelings weren't reciprocated and i didn't feel like getting the hanahaki any worse.

thinking back on meadow as a person i noticed a lot of stuff that didn't occur to me originally because of the Big Feelings,, i also talked it over with fish and jiji (separately) which helped me realize what was going on a lot better. so here's some Things About Meadow that i Do Not Like !!

they rushed so fast into commitment with wells 2 in a way that i don't think i'd be comfortable with even if it were me..

there were ,, multiple omens. i'm not super spiritual anymore but i do believe in signs from the world and there were a few that i missed, specifically in terms of fictional parallels that showed up in really convenient times, like the world was trying to warn me by showing me mistakes that i could've made. those came in the form of felix love and lucy gray baird, the latter of which meadow literally introduced me to (we saw her movie together, i heavily related to her and meadow didn't like her for all the same reasons)

they don't match my energy !! they make me nervous !! even if it's in a lighthearted way, their teasing of my interests and stims and everything makes it harder to unmask (which i've been trying rly hard to learn) and ultimately makes me even more tired after spending a day with them

doesn't like snowball fights !! reddest flag i've ever seen

basically, meadow likes me, but he doesn't understand me. this'll sound self-obsessed, but my overall energetic optimistic outward personality is basically a product of coping strategies and adhd. i need someone who understands that, and values it as much as i do, if not more. meadow sees what's happening, i've explained it, but i don't think they have the capacity to fully understand since they cope so differently from me

in other news, chipi. i know he's into me, but the flirting died down a lot over the past few months...................... until it didn't !! over winter break, we spent tons of time on call with an online friend of mine ,, we'll call him cala. i did a little doodle of my roommates as weezer last night since i shared a reel of a different friend group doing the same thing, and chipi started asking which one he was because he 'wanted to know how i perceive him', so naturally i recreated the reel in post-it note sketch form. well literally just now as i was writing this post, i checked discord to double check cala's pronouns and saw that chipi had made the doodle his profile picture ............. wHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION ??????

i'm not attracted to him, and i really don't want to lead him on. i literally sent him a valentines meme that said 'i LIKE you. as a friend ONLY' like i have been so so obvious about it and yet he persists.. i CAN'T date him , for one we're roommates so a breakup could get really ugly, and also there's about a million red flags. i think he feels understood by me in a way he hasn't experienced much before, which i don't want to take away !!

i haven't actively told him to stop flirting with me, since honestly i do like the attention. it's a huge confidence boost to know i'm even capable of being desired in this way.. he's so funny and likes me so much that it's really easy and so entertaining to spend time with him, plus i get flustered super easily and i know he enjoys it too, but i'm scared to accidentally lead him on because i know first hand how much that hurts, even when it's made abundantly clear. hell, i just watched it happen with myself and meadow, but now i'm on the other side.

i think i just need to trust him to look after his own emotional health through his crush on me, just like i did with meadow, and i hope that at the end of it we can still be friends!! i should probably tell cala about all this, since he's witnessed most of it first hand and is super understanding about every other emotional thing i've brought up so far. shit's wild over here

in other news i sang karaoke with odie and he's so cool if he weren't dating jiji i'd definitely be in love with him by now lmao

ok i think that's everything !! sorry i was gone for so long, i can't promise i'll stay but i hope these updates can be entertaining for someone :)

TL;DR for anyone following my lore ,, i needed to will my crush on meadow out of existence and just as i was doing that, chipi caught even bigger feelings for me and idk what to do about it lmao

[starlightkun]

okay my superlong ask part 1/3 (i could do it in 2 but i decided to do it in paragraphs so it makes more sense and is easier to read)

https://www.tumblr.com/warmau/734555744763035648/this-is-how-all-the-men-i-write-are-like?source=share ^^ changer and buzzer beater sungchan be like

but OMGOMGOMG

FIRSTLY the new masterlist is GORGEOUS and so well thought out! it just looks so organised and the notes about the inclusivity and how you're going back to fix old fics is so professional im really impressed and its really kind and generous of you to take such an initiative by taking the time to do so. Also the note about how you may say that certain members are taller than reader insert with sicheng only if you're feeling extra nice had me ROLLING

also the bite updates are so funny, like mark is so losercore and the fact that reader is going to be a loser as well is so up my alley and so endearing. like flirting about FAX MACHINES?! only the highest quality loserxloser content.

- ✨anon

under the cut <33

the post u linked to was deleted 😭 im sorry im sure it was very funny and true to my sweet baby boys changer!sungchan and bb!sungchan

thank youuuu abt the masterlist! i was contemplating abt reorganization and everything for a while and i knew i didn't want too complicated of a key, but i wanted to be able to delineate a little more than i had in my last one between my more serious fics and my more silly fics a la dr_magic lol (and i also wanted to take the opportunity to unofficially "archive" some older fics of mine that i feel like aren't as representative of me as a writer anymore but i also didn't really want to delete either, so the old mlist is my "archive masterlist" now with all my fics pre-love bites) ;; and on that height inclusivity note, i myself am 5'8/172cm ish, so i know when i personally read fics where like kun is supposed to be towering over the reader it completely takes me out bc like. i am not delusional that man is 1 inch taller than me. i would be taller than him with some thick-soled shoes try again lol. i put on my platform doc martins and its OVER for him. i don't consider anybody "tall" unless they're noticeably taller than me (which is usually 5'11ish, but i call it at 180cm international for good measure. sicheng's official height is like 179cm/5'10.5" so if i'm feeling nice i'll include him in the tallies club. esp now that he's the tallest wayv member and he just absolutely towers over wayv tinie line lmao). i know it's the sort of heads-up i'd like as a reader, esp considering how some writers seem a bit. obsessed with the reader-insert being absolutely tiny and smaller than every member (which hey! some readers are actually 4'11 and dejun would be huge compared to them!) but when it's mentioned not only in every fic but in fics w members who are canonically shorter than me irl it just so detracts from the moment for me.

i've been going back to edit stuff for moments where i thoughtlessly mentioned the reader blushing/turning pink or gripping smth so hard their knuckles turn white, in addition for the random dozen cameos that are in quite a few (don't get me started on sleepless cinderella,,,, idk what i'm doing with her yet other than fixing skin tone refs). i got an ask a couple years ago abt the blushing in one of my fics, actually, and while i changed the specific instance right then, as well as made sure not to reference skin tone in my future writings, i know that people still find my older fics and i personally just kind of,,, idk cringe? when i revisit old fics and they've got skin tone refs in them like that. bc it doesn't represent the writer i am now, and i hate for people to think that it's representative of me and my fics currently. so yeah, i'm slowly working through fixing old fics for those bits and the dozen references too

the bite is actually a kun fic (u may be confusing it w baby fangs? which is a mark wip, and i can see how the titles would get confusing) but we do in fact get some loserxloser content in BOTH the bite and baby fangs yep yep i love writing losers in love its trueeee. they flirt about fax machines and it's truly soulmate behavior im afraid (the bite!mc literally says "i think men with fax machines are sexy, especially personal fax lines" like somebody COME GET UR BESTIE SHE IS CRINGEFAILING ON MAIN RN!! and kun adores her and her cringefail flirting ehhehe)

okay long ask part 2/3 now onto LOVE BITES omg i know its only been a few weeks since changer was released but i missed these two so much. your description of sungchan as a weighted blanket was so cuddly and delicious i just love him he's such a big puppy even though you said jenos a puppy and sung is a wolf hes still just a little guy to me (he is 185 centimetres, taller than most refrigerators) the way you write sungchan is just so great, the way hes just a big sweaty guy and has little insecurities that him and reader work through makes him feel so real and so vulnerable in an endearing way. also when reader pulled out the old photos of sung and taro from mr jung i was DYING. like "little dweebus uniform" is so relatable, we all have skeletons (terrible photos from primary/elementary school) in our closets (parents houses) when reader and taro are texting and reader is like "my little guy :( so uwuw" and taro is like "that fucken TREE OF A GUY?!" and "IS THIS YOUR MANS?!" with the horrifying close up i felt very seen and also got a very helpful reminder to burn all my group photos from school. honestly there are so many quotes from love bites that i want to frame but um……. mel what is this "You didn’t deserve to ever feel… an aching hole, because of me.” 🤨🤨🤨😏😏😏 i KNOW you know what you did and honestly i was so close to screaming and throwing my phone across the room when it happened. but you know what? changer sungchan unintentionally saying the craziest innuendo whilst trying to make a sincere apology is probably the most fitting thing for his character. anyways, thank you for slotting in dirty jokes for us because its so unexpected and funny. i think thats all i have to say about love bites! thank you for taking the time to write the most amazing, comforting, sweet and funny story. - ✨anon

changer sungchan IS a big puppy but don't say that to his face or he'll pout abt it </33 also idk why "taller than most refrigerators" made me laugh so hard but it did. comparing men to refrigerators for height reference is just a very funny concept to me.

i also LOVED writing taro and reader's continuing bickering friendship throughout the fic i thought they were fantastic and i did in fact make myself laugh a couple different times, esp writing out the texts with the mathletes pictures. i also loved being able to show that reader was just as delusional whipped IN LOVE abt sungchan as sungchan was for reader. like being absolutely endeared and heart eyes abt your s/o's dorky old school pictures while simultaneously roasting your mutual friend who is also in those same pictures for being dorky. mwah, chef's kiss, i love them and rip taro

I TRULY DID NAWT REALIZE THE INNUENDO UNTIL U SENT THIS ASK OMG. i was just trying to write sungchan being the sweetest lil guy ever but alas........the aching hole that i will never be able to UNREAD now. but it is sooo in-character for him that i truly was overtaken by the spirit of changer!sungchan in that moment and had no clue what i was writing good lord

OKAY FINALLY PART 3/3 for the timeline question hmmmmmmm i dont know i think i kind of just assumed that the fics were coming out in chronological order but now im not sure????? like obv for the ones with sequels the sequel is after the first but like the rest its all kinda up in the air for me. so like, changer is after pupsick because in sung got with changer!reader because of pupsick!reader and friends. dr magic i assume is happening between pupsick and changer or at the same time as changer because renjun seemed very much single during pupsick because he was at the cafe FAST when pupsick!reader called him and during dr magic, renjun was very much busy between meeting drmagic!reader to witness her pepe silvia arc, being dr magic and studying. tdhea imo is before pupsick just cause all the dreamies have way too much time on their hands to tease and get frustrated about jisung and tdhea!reader and imo that's peak single behaviour because like i said before, renjun was a BUSY BOY during dr magic and jeno was literally sick during most of pupsick so he wouldn't be as spritely as he is during tdhea. for romance is dead and strawberry sunday i literally have no clue, i just assumed that they were both early on considering they were released first. its also just a lot harder because theres only one strawbsun fic for 127 and wayv each so there's less overlap in the members and just less context clues to go off of. but i'd love to know just how wrong i am in my assumtions (if you're willing to give up such information) and compare it with what everyone else thinks - ✨anon

okay so ur timeline looks like:

rid/miracle/strawberry sunday > tdhea > pupsick/abh > dr_magic2303 > changer/love bites

which isn't too far off other than the placing of rid/miracle, which makes sense bc that one kind of has the least context with the other fics. here's my official timeline (sans some unofficial wips) that i've been working off of as soon as i realized this was going to be a lot more than 3 fics. i based the general years off of strawberry sunday!reader/jungwoo's college career (they're in sophomore yr in their fic). the whole crew is generally all the same year, though, so the years are pretty accurate for everybody

(mark molts the summer before sophomore yr) **STRAWBSUNDAY!MC'S SOPHOMORE YR** STRAWBERRY SUNDAY – SPRING SEMESTER (SPRING BREAK) PUPSICK – SUMMER BREAK **STRAWBSUNDAY!MC'S JUNIOR YR** TDHEA – FALL SEMESTER A BRIEF HISTORY (PUPSICK2) – FALL SEMESTER (VERY END/WINTER BREAK) ROMANCE IS DEAD – SPRING SEMESTER BABY FANGS – SPRING SEMESTER CHANGER – SPRING SEMESTER/BEGINNING OF SUMMER BREAK **STRAWBSUNDAY!MC'S SENIOR YR** LOVE BITES (CHANGER2) – END OF SUMMER BREAK/FALL SEMESTER MIRACLE (RID2) – FALL SEMESTER DR_MAGIC2303 – SPRING SEMESTER

they uh, they get busy junior yr huh...

also i feel like jeno didn't do too much meddling in tdhea to be considered single behavior, he was just kinda there......bc he had nothing better to do while pupsick!reader was at study sessions 😔 very conveniently-timed study sessions and bakery shifts without jeno that leave jeno completely free to be in every relevant scene for tdhea... aw shucks 😔😔😔 and her very convenient bakery shifts in changer2 like wow 😔😔 minseok is rlly working pupsick!reader to the bone huh 😔😔😔😔 pupsick3 is just gonna b reader and jeno unionizing against minseok

one thing to know abt strawbsunday universe!renjun is that he is going to be BUSY and BOOKED between school, running an online persona solving people's magical ailments, meddling in his friends' relationships, and falling head over heels for his academic rival who is currently in her pepe silvia arc. do NOT underestimate his multi-tasking abilities. he's built different

but im rlly so happy that you liked the fics so much to send me SO MUCH abt it and have all these little thoughts like you truly keep my writing heart fed. like i write for myself but i post for others, and actually knowing that there's a human out there reading them and coming to interact with me and give genuine feedback rlly makes posting worth it so THANK YOU so so much truly 💗💗💗🫶🫶🫶