#i still intend on going for first but i thought this was a good milestone <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[yellllowstar]

EVERYBODY GET FUCKED

[cybrasigilism]

Cockwarming w/ Squid Game 2 Men (500 Followers Special)

warning: smut, obviously | not proofread | lowercase intended | cockwarming | sub/dom! reader (depending on the character) | mommy kink | degradation | praise | these are my headcanons + interpretations of these characters, please be respectful even if my opinions on the characters differ from your own

characters: nam-gyu (player 124), thanos/choi su-bong (player 230), park min-su (player 125)

(red = sub!reader | blue = dom!reader)

A/N: HOLY MOLY!! thank you all so much for 500! i truly cannot fathom all the support and i am eternally grateful. i figured i should do something special to celebrate this milestone, so here you go! many fans will be pleased to see i am writing for several beloved squid game men from the second season! i hope you all enjoy, as always. and again thank you all SOOO MUCH!!!

MDNI! 18+ content beneath the cut, reader’s discretion is advised

➤ nam-gyu (player 124)

➛ if you thought you’d have any sort of say in moving while you cockwarm nam-gyu— think again. he’ll hold you in place himself if he senses you getting impatient, but he knows you’re not stupid enough to try to pull a fast one and start moving anyway.

➛ he’ll pretend that you have absolutely no effect on him like this. like it isn’t killing him just as much to keep you from bouncing on his dick the way you know he likes. it’s all apart of the process with him though, being mean and restraining any possible movement. oh and you can bet he will 100% be poking fun at how pathetic you look.

➛ “such a predictable little slut,” he scoffs, his grip on your thighs tighter than usual. “i know it’s killing you that you can’t fuck yourself on my dick, isn’t that right?” you nodded rapidly, earning a somewhat sadistic laugh from nam-gyu. he loved having you at his mercy like this

➛ he’ll be extra mean from time to time and move just an inch, playing it off as adjusting his seating. but you know damn well that it’s his own twisted way of trying to get under your skin, and oh god did it ever work.

═════════════

➤ thanos/choi su-bong (player 230)

➛ thanos suggested it at first, he saw it as a fun new way to tease you. little did he know, the tables would be completely turned

➛ he wasn’t expecting to be the one in agony. he wasn’t anticipating that he would be the one to be begging for any semblance of friction as you sat motionless on his dick. you clenched down at his little whines and whimpers, but you remained calm— unrelenting in your stillness.

➛ “please baby, i’ll do anything… just move please, fuck.” his pleading was almost pathetic, you’d not seen him in such a position before. his cocky, obnoxious demeanour was thrown to the wind the moment control was ripped from his grasp.

➛ you don’t know what came over you, but suddenly you felt smug enough to tease him. i mean, if he could dish it out— he should certainly be able to take it. “oh? is this not going how you pictured? how sad.” you pretended the noise that was drawn from his throat didn’t damn near make you reconsider this yourself, his hands quickly finding their place on your hips. “señorita, please just fuck me.”

═════════════

➤ park min-su (player 125)

➛ you almost felt bad. almost. in all fairness how could you not? the way min-su was squirming under you, searching for some sort of satisfaction all while you held him down as still as you could. the tragic little whimpers he would make could have almost changed your mind into giving him the release he so clearly craved. he was gripping onto you, and you could feel him tremble.

➛ “it’s okay.” you assured him, brushing his bangs out of his face as he looked up at you with those trademark puppy dog eyes of his. “you’re doing so good for me.” you could feel his hands squeeze down on your thighs at the praise, a strained exhale leaving his lips. you had to admit, there wasn’t a hotter sight than this— seeing min-su melt in your hands like this.

➛ “ngh, mommy.. i c-can’t do this f’ much longer..” his speech was slurred beyond comprehension from the pleasure, you could feel his cock twitch inside you; desperate for any sort of leverage. “oh but you can,” you cupped his cheek, bringing him in for a kiss. as you leaned into it, you could tell even this slight shift in position was driving him up the wall— as if the way he was now moaning into your mouth wasn’t a telltale sign of his anguish.

➛ if you want to continue to drive him mad, whisper little praises in his ear.

“that’s right, you’re doing so well for mommy.”

“fuck, you feel so good… i could stay on you forever.”

“you’re doing such a good job for me, sweet boy.”

═════════════

oh em GEEEEEE!!! thank you all a million bajillion times over for 500 followers! i’ve been having a bit of a hard time feeling confident in my writing lately, but it’s honestly so relieving to see how many people await my works 🩵 i’m so eternally thankful for all of your support and each of your comments continue to make me smile :’) i promise i’ll keep working hard to contribute my best to this fandom, and of course THANK YOU GUYS FOR GIVING ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE MY PASSION FOR A SHOW I ADORE

as always, any advice/constructive criticism on how to improve my writing is appreciated and requested :) have a spectacular day/night lovelies 💋💋💋

tags: @gongyoosgf @strangelife122 @kouzih @agorsnotworld @kvstjwonnie @pink-apples001 @fiicalapsiholoaga @luvlyfandoms @gabbystinks

[earl-grey-teacake]

The Heart Remembers- Baby!Loscar AU WIP

It’s been so long since I have written a fic for Baby!Loscar and this is one I fully intend to get out in the next week or two. So enjoy and let me know what you think

****************

Retrograde amnesia: The inability to access memories previous to a traumatic brain injury

That’s what the doctors at the hospital told him as he sat in the hospital bed. However, George couldn’t think of a single thing in his life he might have forgotten. He was an F1 driver. He drove for Mercedes. He lives in Monaco. What else was in his life?

He had thought it was an elaborate prank until he realized that even Alex would not go so far with his pranks, nor have the ability to drag doctors and medical professionals into it. Alex, seemed the most shaken up about the whole ordeal. They were still friends after all their years racing together, he made sure to confirm that when Alex came rushing in. It seems they had even gone as far as to get matching rings, no doubt a cheap thing, an inside joke he must have forgotten about. They might have gotten it to spite the FIA and whatever strange ban they were trying to implement.

Then there was the little, blonde haired boy that Alex had come running in with when he had first woken in. The kid had run up to him shouting “daddy” and given him a hug. He thought it was a joke, a kid Alex had bribed to play a joke on his amnesiac friend.

“I’m not your dad. I’m not even married.” He had replied laughing as the color drained out of Alex’s face.

After an hour of tests and questions and poking and prodding, they diagnosed him with retrograde amnesia. Apparently, he had forgotten major milestones of the last five years. He forgot he was married to Alex, that they even got married and had a wedding in the first place. He also forgot he had a child, a son that Alex said was named Logan.

He didn’t even see the child since that incident in the hospital. “He’s on summer break and so are we. However, he still had karting so Max has been taking him to practice.”

“Oh, is he good?” George asked. Alex hasn’t smiled much since he’s been in the hospital which made George’s heart feel a certain way, but he always smiled when talking about his kid.

“Yeah, really good.” Alex smiled, clearly hoping that George’s asking must be a sign. “Max says he has strong pace.”

“Is Max hard on him?” George was very familiar with Jos’s treatment.

“No, nothing like that. Max is a big softie when it comes to Logan, he can’t bring himself to yell at Logan. Not that anyone else would even let him.” George smiled a bit, it’s good the kid had kind adults supporting him.

“Would you like to go see him race?” Alex asked.

“Uhm,” George paused. “I’m not sure. I don’t think I can provide anymore advice than what Max and the others are giving.”

Alex stared at him wide eyed before something in him seemed to retreat back, and he started to play with his ring. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Lewis, Nico Rosberg, and Jenson are all at the track today to cheer Logan on. It would be pretty crowded.”

Alex kindly left out the fact that Logan had cried the whole week for George, talking about how his dad had promised to go see him race today. But George wasn’t cleared to leave the hospital yet, that his brain needed to get acclimated to the info of having a husband and kid and that he was missing memories of all 4 years of his kid’s life. Alex wanted so desperately to tell George about how Logan was such a kind and gentle kid. How he begged Alex to “stay with Dad, he might be lonely” and that he wasn’t disappointed because Uncle Max and Uncle Uncle Charles and Uncle Carlos and Uncle Lando, and Oscar would come out to cheer him on. That he’ll be okay since Uncle Lewis, Uncle Nico, and Uncle Jenson would be coming by to see him race and they rarely get the chance to see him race.

**********

I hope you liked it! Let me know what you think ❤️

[gynandromorph]

So I've been playing wolfquest... My first lesson was that you don't start in a pack. You're alone. I learned how to hunt, impressed a mate. He's a good mate. Good genetic diversity. Amicable, social, energetic. Follows my lead in fights and hunts, backs off when I do, communicates when he intends to patrol while I've been sleeping. He could stand to be a little more aggressive, but he might be dead if he were. He has fought until he was all but dead before.

We established territory through multiple nights of no sleep and had a litter, 5 pups. Not fantastic. The mate plays with them, regurgitates for them if they're even slightly hungry. I tell him to stay with the pups frequently as I go hunt for food. He has motioned to go hunt and keep up territory markers on his own, but I tell him to stay by the pups while I go out, usually.

The first pup died from an eagle attack. I thought I'd had all of them in the den, but this one ran to the grass to hide instead, and I'd already had another in my mouth. I read that predator attacks when you aren't at the den are very rare, usually when your affinity runs low and the pups leave the den unattended. I didn't know this until I was down to 2. The second pup died to illness. The third, to a bear attack. They grew enough to leave the den, and we moved elsewhere. Eating was good for a long while. Just shy of 25 lbs, an invading pack of wolves got the fourth pup. When a canine bites a pup, it dies instantly. I was flanking a female to try to handicap her leg and thought my mate had the other wolf covered just a few feet behind me.

I helicopter over the last pup, until we reach the 25 lbs milestone. Just before that point, a cougar attacks. Since I only had one left, just picked the pup up and ran. I learned at this point that the aggro range for attacks on your pups has no boundaries — you have to fight them off even if you're miles away. I also learned that carrying a 24.5 lb pup drains my stamina quickly, and that the pup automatically tries to run back to the rendezvous site even if it's under attack and very far away. I nurse my stamina and hope my mate holds the cougar off until it's recovered, then take the pup and run to the next nearest rendezvous site and establish a new location. I wait for the cougar to make it to the new site and we fight it off relatively easily.

The pup hits 25 lbs and I advance to a new stage of the game. It tells me my pups will become hungrier, food will become harder to find, and some of my pups will probably die, even though most of them are already dead. The game tells me this is the deadliest time of year for wolf pups. I decide that my first order of business will be to hunt down some large game near the new rendezvous site and tell the game I'm ready to advance. A massive male bear, at the exact same time, decides it has designs for my last pup. Me and my mate fight it off, but we're left on the brink of death, him with a debilitating leg injury that will slow him down. Our territory markers are weak because I stayed near the pup after my litter dropped down to only one left. The pup is at 60% hunger despite being at 80% when we decided to advance to the next stage. We are both now too injured to hunt any big game to feed him. I tell him to hide and my mate to stay and keep watch while I go find food and touch up territory boundaries, unsure of what to do next. I manage to catch 6 rabbits, 4 of them just yards away from the rendezvous site. I drag them all to the pup by mouth and regurgitate anything I have left for him and my mate. Then I lay down and sleep next to both, in case something else attacks. I won't heal unless I sleep, and I can't hunt anything more filling if I don't heal. I wake up still quite low on health. Despite being fed so many rabbits, my pup is now even hungrier.

And that's where I am now. Half mauled to death by a bear with a mate who can't run yet and a pup who is half starved. I'm not sure what I'll do the next time I play.

I could stay near the site and try to catch only rabbits to tide the pup over until I'm healed more — but he may starve, and apparently my proximity only makes it more likely that he'll be attacked and killed by a predator.

I could take my mate, who is limping but has more health than I do, to hunt down larger game, but in the rare chance a predator attacks with neither of us there, no one is going to protect the last pup, and one of us might die hunting without healing more.

And as my last option, I'm considering trying to move the pup as far north as possible. There are beavers there, but it isn't my territory they're in. I have nearby territory, and, provided I can tide the pup over enough to heal, I would be willing to enter competitor territory and kill any wolves who try to defend it from me, in order to have a larger supply of safe, accessible prey. We could catch prey for the pup as we travel to the new site. However, my pup is too large to carry, and trying to become more independent; he doesn't listen well to "come here" and "follow me" and wants to wander. Not ideal for a long trip across Yellowstone.

I guess it's to be expected for a first time mother, but. It's rough

[therentyoupay]

Hi, I was just wondering if technical difficulties is abandoned?

I hope you’re doing well!

*drops in after 5 years and 4 months with a technical difficulties chapter update*

*disappears*

cover art made by @angel-gidget ♡

03/08/23. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, ALL, LONG LONG LONG TIME, NO SEE. ♡ Can you believe it? When I first published this story (first to tumblr, then to ao3), I had just moved to Japan! When I posted ch. 7, I was still living in Japan, and would stay there for another 7ish months... and in the 5 years and 4 months since posting the last chapter, I have moved to three different cities in the United States and started a Ph.D. program. (I am currently halfway through my PhD program!!!!!) What a wild ride. Also, we lived through the pandemic?! And I bought a house! Over the summer! The market was vicious.

So, then how did I get the inspiration/time/energy/motivation to write Ch. 8, you ask? Marvelous question. I lied down in bed last night to go to sleep "early" and ended up reading an utterly hilarious play-by-play commentary on Bad Books, Good Times of a popular fantasy novel series—and I'm not quite sure what it was about "poorly written books explained by hilariously clever book lovers" but I suddenly had a craving for fanfiction, so I opened up my Books app on my phone, and my eyes fell upon a sudden recommendation for my downloaded copy of technical difficulties. And I thought, "Am I suddenly and weirdly in the mood to jot down some notes to start Ch. 7 right now? By golly, I think I am."

4.5 hours later, I'd written the whole damn thing from scratch on my phone in my Notes app. (Messily! Half-assed! But I wrote all of it down!) I then spent another 6.5 hours today filling in the gaps and "editing." This chapter (and the one that will follow it) has been in my head for more than half a decade, but I just haven't had the space to get it out until now!!

I think one of the most beautiful parts of getting a PhD is how completely it blows your perfectionism tendencies utterly to bits, and one of the really interesting byproducts that has come up in my acdemic writing is just how quickly I can crank out decent-enough writing (skill-building!!). In my case, I think so much of it has to do with just being able to word vomit fairly well while not trying to fix anything until the whole damn thing is basically done. So, I applied that knowledge here! Behold!

This isn't to say that I'll be writing the final chapter anytime soon—I may be on spring break right now and may have had a stroke of Writing Inspiration in the Wild™ last night, but I'm still finishing my last semester of classes and learning advanced Python and working on my milestone paper for my doctoral program and preparing to present at my next conference in June and preparing my proposal for my dissertation next fall. BUT! The important thing is that I will post the last chapter of this story (and all my other stories)! Eventually!! ;)

No BETA for this chapter because I gotta THROW this out onto the internet and get back to coding, so bear with! I may do minor edits for it in the near or distant future. Also, please note that I have not watched any episodes of Miraculous Ladybug after the finale of Season 1, so this fic is very much a ~time capsule~ from the past. If there is any additional lore that might otherwise apply to the plot of this fic, please know that I don't know about it, and I am keeping myself selectively ignorant on all matters of Miraculous Ladybug season 2 and beyond until after I finish this story the way I originally intended. ♡ Woo!

as for, tumblr, sadly, to be honest, I'm never really online anymore! I'll respond to comments here on ao3 ASAP, though. ♡ LOVE YOU ALL, THANK YOU. ♡♡♡

[littlewalken]

nov 20

Got in to looking at the Codex Seraphinianus, brb https://archive.org/details/codex-seraphinianus-luigi-serafini-2013-9780847842131

Something something spent too long looking for this book in my younger days as I didn't know the title, lots of related shit to unpack something something only when I got my own internet access when I was 30 did I finally have the time to look around and find it something something but as hard copies by then were unaffordable it would still be many years until a pdf ended up on the web something something you want limited editions then deal with the people who just want to read the book resorting ot other means something something

And still you can't actually read the book but in a Voyanich Manuscript sort of way and that's the point.

Again it's a resource that if I had access to much earlier in my path towards becoming an artist and writer who knows what could have been. Withholding knowledge that isn't like a matter of security hurts no one.

Well, if nothing else today after a morning appointment I will hopefully get five minutes to think. I need to be home to hydrate, I'm getting some physical side effects from that, and what ever else might be bothering me. It's the overnight seizures I don't know about.

Got to look up my new regular doctor and see about physically going there because I know the one dentist never answered their phone and the other used a secretary in another office so I no trust my appointment would even be made unless I'm there.

Will be playing with my "daily" charm bracelet soon. I think I'm going to take some of them off, the magick ones, and make a separate bracelet or a pin for them.

The year I turn 50 is steadily approaching and so the idea of 50 charms that represent me is one for thought. Still haven't settled on a specific journal, the page count and size is the biggest thing, so I folded some tabloid paper in to signatures and will start with that. I can always copy the stuff in to a neater format in another book later.

It's not like I intend for anyone else to ever read it or anything, it's just that I never journaled any other milestone birthdays. Aside form being something else school ruined for me as a child, and failed to explain in a way that would have clicked to my autistic brain because why would I want to write down my secrets somewhere that someone could find them and use them against me, at 25 I wasn't in a good place, at 30 I was rewiring, and at 40 I was not somewhere I'd want to remember much and took days to get over no one anywhere in the places I interacted daily with on the internet even tho they had reminders thought to wish me a happy birthday so I was questioning how much I mattered to anyone.

And plenty of real life trauma like totally forgetting what fucking day I was born on even tho you live with me and have to know it for all sorts of filling out paper work reasons.

And I still have no idea what it's like to have a birthday party because of how I was raised poor and not the golden child who always had money spent on her.

So for the first draft having loose paper I can easily replace if need be for whatever reason is probably a good idea. Just wish in one way I had a long stapler I could staple the signatures with but I can hand stitch them well enough as soon as I get the stuff out.

Remind me to get some replacement needles for my mending machine. I think it came with some, haven't changed any yet, didn't with any of the old ones until they broke, but it's still working.

Going to make myself cut the Xmas strips in the next step to learning myself to make a strip quilt too.

[fumbliesthots]

Reflections and Intentions 2023

It’s time for another year to round up and looking like it’s going to be a surprisingly longwinded one (I just have a lot of thoughts today ok?) Here we go…

💰 Financial Health:

So when I turned 35 this year, I thought, oh yeah, here’s a milestone because that’s when the government finally decides I’m old enough to get my own singles flat. And I thought, ok it’s a prudent thing to do, so why not? But then after going through the motions of applying for a BTO I realised that my current income doesn’t actually allow me to queue for one. And as for resale HDB, after doing some calculations, I realised it actually doesn’t make sense for me financially right now because of my intentions to go to grad school in the near future. (Thanks to CT, my financial advisor, who schooled me on the basics of financial literacy and ran through my options with me.)

I also started paying a bit more attention to my investments and spending that I started my own Excel spreadsheet to record stuff. I even applied a new bank account for my salary so that I can earn more interest. It’s still a bit of a headache for me to look at numbers but I think it’s good progress.

For next year, now that I have a goal of saving up for grad school in mind, I intend to keep up my habit to tracking my finances and see where I can optimise. But I also want to be more generous and see how I can treat my parents and family to more nice dinners or chip in a bit more for household spendings.

📚Favorite reads:

Closing the Loop: Systems Thinking for Designers (by Sheryl Cababa) - I’ve been looking up different courses and books on systems thinking for the past couple of years, this is the first time I’ve encountered a comprehensive take on contextualising this skill for designers and product people. Very accessible and plenty of examples illustrating the different concepts and system archetypes.

I hope more designers understand patterns of complex systems so that instead of incentivising quick fixes, we will be more aware how our solutions today impact the whole system over a longer time scale. I did a sharing session on this topic with my colleagues, I hope it would at least trigger some curiosity for some of them to learn more.

The Advantage (by Patrick Lencioni)

I read a bunch of Patrick Lencioni’s books on organisational health for work (The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team, Death by Meetings, Silos and Turf Wars etc) and taking notes while sighing a lot in recognition. Through these books I realised why it is such a red flag when your leaders do not engage in conflict often enough, and why it’s so important to have clearly articulated vision and goals, and how to have the right meetings in the right frequency to to discuss the right things.

The Singapore Synthesis: Innovation, Inclusion, Inspiration (by Ravi Menon)

A book that surprised me was The Singapore Synthesis which made me rethink about what it takes to build and run a nation, as well as new ideas and theories on how to make it sustainable in the long-term. It made me grateful to have smart people in our country researching and thinking about such things.

Next year, I intend to read more fiction – to re-stimulate my brain for imagination, relaxing it, and distract myself from too much work-related thoughts. I also want to read more social science and anthropology-related books, just to warm myself up mentally and intellectually for grad school.

🎓 Grad school prep

This year I took an impromptu solo trip to Croatia to study the anthropologists in their natural habitat – in research conferences apparently? I’ve never been to Croatia before, so it was a surprising trip even to myself, to hop onto 3 planes and a ferry over 30hours to get to a remote island. My parents thought I was going to a cult gathering and kept trying to dissuade me on my way to the airport. That was funny, but the lesson is, never to show them event website that looks suspiciously worded in Chinese translation.

I did take my time to scout around online for what subjects I would like to take my masters in and tried to imagine what kind of life it having a master in those disciplines would lead me to. I don’t mind leaving the design industry if it meant I would be able to work on something even more interesting with my life.

For next year, in order to warm myself up for academic work, I’ve decided to embark on a little personal research study just for the fun of it..

And hopefully by the end of the year, perhaps after a taste of research work, and some self-study, I will be able to decide if going for an Anthropology masters is right for me.

💼 Work:

At work, at some point, I felt almost ready to leave after setting up some processes and seeing the team dynamics improving a lot this year, with a bit of intervention. Looking back at my work journal this year, I realised a lot of the frustrating parts came from unclarity of goals from the leaders, and their inability to communicate and align their agendas (ego is the enemy). And I found out that these dysfunctional patterns unfortunately were cascaded down from the leadership levels above. Setting up systems and rules from an operations perspective helps with that, along with a lot of herding cats and 1-1 coffee sessions to figure out how to connect the dots.

I also suddenly became a manager of 2 new colleagues towards the end of the year. I had been wanting to start a team of my own for a while but for most part of the year it didn’t seem possible because of the headcount freeze. It’s been an emotionally draining issue for me – I was almost giving up on that and counting on just settling what I wanted to do for the team before leaving for my studies.

Now that these 2 have just transferred over from other teams, I feel like a new parent. I decided that it would be good for both them and me if I would stay just a while longer to stabilise this new function. I’m worried that they would have no one to guide them on what to do, or look out for them on their new journey as a designops practitioners. For me, I think it would be a good opportunity for my personal growth as well.

I also became more aware of mental health issues this year. There was a young colleague that took their own life this year. A few of our Singapore team members were quite affected by this, as this was something none of us were prepared for and know how to respond to. It was even hard to talk about… what is appropriate or taboo or just not HR-compliant. So much grey area to navigate.

Mental health issues at the workplace is much more important than I used to pay attention to. I’m not sure is it just the media surfacing these topics more prominently these days but I started noticing that everyone is suffering from something to a certain degree. Everyone has their “stuff”. Now that i have taken on the responsibility of being a people manager, this is something I have to be more mindful about. It’s a bit unnerving that I might do or say something wrong that could hurt or cause undue mental stress to someone. The other side of the coin is also not to treat people like helpless snowflakes. How can I help people become more mentally-resilient and develop their own self-compassion and boundary-setting habits?

I’m grateful that our company offers private counselling to those that needed it, as well as paid subscriptions to apps and resources to help us navigate difficult situations both at work and personally. Not many people have access to such resources on their own.

My intentions at work next year is to stabilise this Ops team up as much as possible so that they would be ready go on supporting the team without me. This means teaching them what I know, where to find help for things we don’t know, and who to reach out to for things that need coordination. Encouraging them form their own internal network of relationships and build up their “street cred” so that people start looking for them rather than reaching out to me.

There are many potential initiatives that I still find exciting to explore and experiment with, but we definitely need resources for it to be done properly. I will need to be more thick skin next year, ask my bosses for what I need. The risk I have to be mindful of is being too hands-on myself just because I want to see things move (and I still find the work too fun to just let others do it). But I have learn to set clear directives and do the work through others if I ever want to leave this team.

🧐 Courses and Learnings

“Middleness”: I completed another 3-day course at Common Ground by Shiao Yin, which as always, was excellent and worth every penny. It was about how to lead effectively as “middles” and all about seeing our power as part of the system and practicing integration from the position of top, middle, ground.

“Mindset Privilege”: Another thing that made an impression on me this year was about the concept of “mindset privilege” coined by Simon Sinek. The idea that there are some people whom no matter what life serves them, they can always take it with a smile and find ways to work things out. And conversely the less privileged person without this mindset, always has something to complain or feel helpless about, even if they have so much resources available to them, but somehow they cannot get themselves out of that state of feeling stuck. I always thought mindset is something we can change, but if it’s really a privilege does it mean some people are just lucky to have had the opportunity in their life to develop it? And that we should be empathise that not everyone can just unstuck themselves easily because they haven’t had the opportunity to develop such mindset? Food for thought. Anyway here’s the video interview: https://youtu.be/NcaQUH2K-wo?feature=shared

🎖️Wins

Doodlegram fundraiser: I’m quite happy with my ability to raise $1000 so quickly this year with my “doodlegrams” on Instagram for Hui Ying’s #1000GUIConnections fundraising program. I drew 20 pictures of friends and acquaintances, and sent the prints to them via snail mail for $50 each. Even though I’m no longer as active as a GUI volunteer as I was used to these days, that was a fun little thing that I’m proud to be involved.

Meditation: In bid of trying not to lose my momentum from the retreat last year, I wanted to keep up my meditation practice. But I knew I would have challenge doing it on my own time hence I decided to join a group. I’m proud to say that this year I’ve managed to keep my Friday evening discipline of going to group meditation almost weekly. Even tho 80% of the time sitting there, my mind was filled with work thoughts, or what to eat for dinner, at least I show up. And that’s enough. Sadhu sadhu sadhuuuu… 😄

Pod Pilot: At work, one of my proudest achievements was to convince the entire XD team to try out the Pod Model pilot experiment, where they had to commit actual time and resources to work together and serve our customers more holistically. Moving ourselves out of the product teams, into a more strategic position on the decision tables.

It took us months of preparation and negotiations within ourselves as well as the stakeholders from different divisions. This was also probably a scary move for many of the team members in the pilot who hasn’t experienced this way of working before, and we had to provide them with a lot of support from all directions. 6 months in, we are beginning to see some encouraging results from the outcomes of the experiment.

For next year, my goal is to strengthen this initiative by providing more leadership and strategy training for the team members who want to be part of future pods, as well as focus on setting up the right conditions for our future pods to be successful.

⛈️ Headwinds and challenges

Taking things down a notch: Last year I told myself that I should take things a bit easier at work because I’ve been a bit of a workaholic. I’ve failed. Who knew that to set up self-sustaining systems at work requires taking things up a notch, putting in more upfront effort? I also let myself get sucked into unnecessary work because I didn’t have the courage to delegate or ask for help. I expect that this pattern will continue next year unless I consciously keep track of my end goal of having this team run fine without me.

Familial disharmony: This year there was bit of drama that caused my family some stress. I tried to play a mediator so that things wouldn’t escalate, but I still haven’t convinced them talk things out in a healthy way. Although the meditation and Buddhist practice my parents started has helped them calm down a lot recently, but still I hope that one day they can set themselves free from all these needless expectations they have of themselves and their adult children. On the bright side, this could perhaps become the beginning of our family’s coming-of-age story.

World is in bad shape: There are wars and violence that broke out this year, bad news and unrests everywhere. Polarising politics. Climate change and the lackluster commitment by the G20 countries to do anything about it. Inflation and GST hikes. Mass layoffs from big and small companies alike. Gen AI disrupting many industries and our livelihood and posing long-term existential threat to humankind. Gosh, it’s difficult to feel hopeful for the future every time I tune in to the news. But we cannot let all these overwhelm us. On days like these, I’ll have to focus on the present moment, and remember Ajahn Brahm’s story of the dangerous snake pit – “Mmm… delicious 🍯!”

👣 Onward 2024

I’ve already sprinkled in what I want to do/improve in different aspects of my life next year. Theme of the year 2024 will be… (drumroll)… “Wholeness”.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Finding Common Ground podcast this year, and one of the questions they always ask the guests at the end is, what does being “whole” mean to you? Their different answers were always insightful.

For me, it just means to feel ok. I hope people around me will find ways to discover or rediscover parts of themselves that got lost, dropped, broken, or hurt along the way. I hope we will all find the courage and compassion to do so together, and not be bound by ego, fear, or self-judgements.

When we are not whole, our jagged edges can hurt people. But we can learn to piece ourselves like jigsaw puzzles so that we can feel whole together. When we are all whole, we can make the whole even wholier!

It’s 12am and officially 2024 now. Cheers to the new year.

[avatarskywalker78]

Six Sentence Sunday and there are two extracts for you today!!! First of all, one from my Angel & Riley story which I've recently gotten back to and which currently stands at over 9k words (this was intended to be short fic how did this happen). This is a few days after Riley's near death experience in 5x04 - which goes a little differently than in canon and Angel helped saved his life, which is a milestone in their relationship.

Things were still a little strained between them, but it was clear Riley was making an effort to unlearn a lot of things and genuinely seemed to want to spend time with him as well, so Angel would make the effort in return.

And it was…better than he thought it might be. It was clear that under it all Riley really was just a country boy, and he talked about his life in Iowa with such fondness…

But he was happy here. More so, now that the government were off his case and he and the Scoobies were starting to talk about things, but there was still that undercurrent of insecurity – and uncertainty, because as he told Angel over drinks one night, he’d wanted to become a soldier in order to protect people, and instead he’d been used and lied to and sometimes the real monsters were people. He was a military man without a military, because he didn’t trust them not to pull the same shit years down the line.

“I thought I knew what was right and what was wrong,” he’d said mournfully, “and now I don’t, and I can’t help but wonder how many lives I ruined because of what I was a part of, what I refused to question.”

“Good.” Angel had replied. “That’s a good sign, Riley, trust me. I know it’s not easy – believe me, I know – but you’re starting to make amends. You’re learning from Giles and planning to train with Buffy once your strength’s back up, and you’re not going to run blind into anything again.”

“I hope not, but…what if I do? What if I do something stupid and I don’t know how to fix it?”

“You pick yourself back up, and you try again.”

There's still a while to go because it turns out they have a lot to say.

The next extract is from chapter 3 of when a friendship is found (across the seas) - set in 1949, the morning after the banquet in Cintra, and Jaskier is getting to know Áine.

“I noticed, my dear Islander, that you didn’t seem at all fazed by the White Wolf.”

“That’s because I’ve never believed that Witchers are monsters. Besides,” she continued, her expression turning fond, “I’m friends with a Witcher myself.”

“You’re what?” Jaskier could hardly contain his excitement and wished he had his lute with him. “Oh, this I must hear, Áine – you’re friends with a Witcher.”

“Yup - have been for several months.”

“Who? How? What’s he like? Is he of the Wolf School? Do you think I could meet him?”

“That’s a lot of questions, Jaskier, but—”

Whatever she was going to say was interrupted by a familiar voice calling her name.

Jaskier is just about to find out she's Eist's kinswoman (and is utterly delighted by this fact).

[anvoo]

21.06.2023 - milestone

First night in a long time that I've been able to sit with myself and write. It's, calming. I feel like it's "me", you know? It's like, I could see myself months and years from now, still sitting down at the end of the day, writing.

I have a not-great habit of shaking my legs whenever I feel anxious or upset, so on the days when I'm not feeling my greatest, I would feel muscle pain in the evening or night from all the leg shaking. I'm trying to keep both my feet on the ground and still as I'm writing :p

I remember somebody saying: "A lot of people who are suicidal don't actually want to die, they just want their current situation to end or change." That seems to be true in my case. To reassure everyone, I don't intend or want to kill myself. It's just the thought of "I want my current situation to change", followed by the idea of suicide as one of the options/solutions. It seems like the easiest solution for me to connect my current actions and decisions with the end goal of "current situation changing".

I really don't want to die right now. Who knows if there's reincarnation or the afterlife, so I want to fully cherish and make the best out of my current life. I want to draw more; to write more; to meet people; to treat them nicely and be treated nicely back; to see more art; to listen to good music; to have experiences; to enjoy things; to have freedom and choose; to live for and by myself...

My future, my path forward right now is concrete and clear to me. No matter what happens, no matter what I want to achieve or do, the path forward is the same. The story of my life is written mainly through decisions and actions, not thoughts, ink, or typing. It's the "doing" part that determines.

To "do" requires energy, willpower, and motivation. One that is hindering me, is my tendency to divert my energy, willpower, and motivation, to "think". To come up with the perfect motivation, to have the answer to all my doubts and questions, to come to a revelation! Once I have done that everything will be easy, but it won't be. Knowing exactly what you want and need to do won't make you suddenly be able to put in 16 hours a day of work, study, or self-care. Coming to a revelation won't change the procrastination and validation-seeking habits that are embedded so deeply in your psyche and behaviors. It helps, of course, but it can't be the only thing. I need to "do". I have done enough "think". I'll continue to, of course, but now I need to strike a better balance between the two in order to achieve my goals.

I'm grateful that I have people who care about me. Their support really means a lot to me and it helps me to get through tough times. I'll take it in and continue to try my best and move forward.

Balance in my life is still something that I'm trying to achieve. Having just video games or a romantic relationship be the only pillar that holds me up isn't great, and it makes me unhappy :C Not having my romantic relationship be the core or the center of my existence doesn't mean that it's suddenly meaningless now. It's me enriching my life and being kinder to myself. It even helps to bring more value and meaning to the relationship itself. I'm more interesting, more stable, happier, and wiser,...; it's also the fact that placing the stake of your entire emotional and mental well-being on your romantic relationship going well is just damaging to it and your well-being xD This reminds me a bit of a line from Samantha in Her(2013):

"The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love even more."

In the context of the film, the quote probably has a slightly different meaning (Samantha loving 641 other people), but in this moment for me, it's about all the things that I said above.

So, what now?

Well, For my academic and career goals, do well with my studies. For my fitness and physical health goals, gym and healthy diet. For my mental health goals, being kind to myself, keep doing my best, and continue to write. For my hobbies and interests, draw more, and engage more in activities. For my socializing, practice more spoken German, and go out more (it's fun, as all the previous times you've gone:>). For me and Cat, just keep doing my best for myself. I know I'll know when I'm ready to reconnect and give us another shot, and I'll talk to her then. We talked and discussed a lot about us, our promise and break, and our future together, so I know it's a decision that wasn't made lightly. I believe in us, in our feelings together, and that we can do it!

Sounds nice. Goodnight!

Goodnight!

[skele-doll]

"Gender based" oppression does not exist. If i were to be born in Africa, India, or under the Taliban, i would not be killed and thrown into a dumpster, suppressed from speaking my mind, or performed FGM on simply because i randomly decided i was a woman. And i would not suddenly gain my rights back if i decided i was a man. If you can pretend you aren't trans when trump stated he would get rid of transness, then you aren't oppressed. POC and women cannot just pretend to be anything else other than what we were born as. You cant identify your way out of oppression or privilege. So yes, communism excludes transness as a whole.

2. "they are about individuals aligning with their true gender identity" Which isss..? Stereotypes. When trans people think of women, they think of shopping, long hair, painting your nails, getting plastic surgery, dressing ''feminine'', and being ditzy. When trans people think of men, they imagine dirt under the nails, a beard, no sense of style, short hair, being closed off emotionally, a gruff personality, and construction work. I have yet to see a trans identified man not dressing like a high school girl or a trans identified woman not thinking being a man is the best because "you can do whatever you want" as if they couldn't always do that. 3. Yes, im aware of this. Which is why i also think that because its a diagnosed mental illness, that the medical field should not be taking advantage of mentally ill people and engaging in the mental illness by telling them to cut off their own body parts. You would not tell a depressed person to cut just because it gives them a temporary good feeling or a person with BIID to cut their limb off if it makes them happy. Trans people should be receiving the same amount of care as any other mentally ill person such as; having more research on body dysphoria, a better understanding therapist, having better support groups and systems, and given coping mechanisms that are better than impulsively harming yourself and your body. 4. Just like other mental illnesses, some are genetic and some are gained through traumatic experiences. Dysphoria is in no way genetic leaving the only reason for it to exist to be from external causes. So yes, i do think that dysphoria is invertedly caused by experiences and pressure from the crushing weight of the system. 5. Those who don't go through with surgery mostly do it because they feel like the medical industry is not yet advanced enough for sex reassignment or feel that its too risky. I would know, i identified as trans for quite some time.

6. Your argument adds nothing to the statement and my point still stands. Whether they don't have the money to do it doesn't matter, the idea that trans folks still think about undergoing surgery or HRT and view it as an "important milestone" in their transition is still an issue. That means the advertising and propaganda is working. The fact that theres even support groups for people who will never be able to "medically transition" because of the lack of money and feel depressed about that really shows you that the only "treatment" is just a huge money farm for mentally ill people seeking a fix.

7. No matter how you word it, it sounds wrong for a reason. Because gender based oppression doesn't exist and because medically transitioning and HRT is risky and exploitation of mentally ill people, it is very much still doing the job it was intended to do when it first became a thing.

8. Transgender ideology has not existed for centuries, people dug up a grave of a viking woman who they misinterpreted as a man for being so tall and large and they thought she was trans. Again, this is stereotyping that being large makes you manly. Some countries had different societal expectations, So the stereotypes of what was "feminine" and "manly" have always changed through out the years. The second trans folks see a man wearing a skirt, they question if he was an egg, but that was normal in Scotland for men who wore kilts. In the end, no amount of evolution will erase the fact that it was made by Nazis who wanted nothing more than to convert gay, bi, and lesbian women and men into straight people for a "perfect race". 9. This further proves my point that getting surgery or going onto HRT is always going to be a placebo. You will end up sad and unfulfilled either way. Even those who are happy afterwards are happy because thats exactly what their dysphoria, a mental illness mind you, wanted. In the end, there is no excuse for ignoring reality.

At its very core, communism cannot be trans inclusive. Communism wants to dismantle sex stereotypes and embrace reality while also dismantling capitalism and helping to bring equality. However, the trans ideology supports sex stereotypes and profits off of making the vulnerable hurt even more than they already do. Let me explain; gender dysphoria is a product of the patriarchy, it tells women they need to look a certain way in order to date men and be accepted into society. They pump insecurity into little girls heads and sell them products that promise to fix that insecurity which creates unethical profit. But what happens when women and girls grow tired of having to go to surgical extents to be "womanly"? What happens when they realize that this idea of "woman" was created by a man? They try to opt out of it by of course 'becoming' a man because feminism is said to make you "bitter", "masculine", "evil", and they see the way feminists get treated for being feminist. When you identify as trans, you immediately get told that you will feel as horrible as you already do forever if you don't get the surgeries and go on to take testosterone to also look the part. Those who dont get the surgeries and dress it constantly get 'misgendered' and treated like a normal woman which further fucks with their mood. What they dont tell you is to seek out therapy. Why? Because the surgeries, pills, topicals, shots, new wardrobe and binders, makeup to look like a man, voice training, and treatments for the side effects all cost hella money and spending hella money makes the rich get richer. you could argue; "but anon! under communism wont the people take up making those things themselves?" and i'd say yes, but not everything human made is a good thing. just because you can make it doesn't mean you should as that wont get rid of its impact and history within capitalism. "reclaiming" it wont take back the health complications and dead de-trans people, it wont erase the fact that gender affirming surgeries were an invention by a Nazi and transness is built on oppressive stereotypes either.

[twiceasfrustrating]

Hi Naomi!

I appreciate your writing on the Obey me boys - they’re lovely

I saw your post asking for a prompt. Hopefully there won’t be too many that you won’t be able to write mine 🥺❤️

I would like hc for the Obey Me boys and how they would congratulate and spoil you when you hit certain career milestones like after getting your first job, pay raise, etc. and they would take out you out on a nice dinner date or picnic. Please, thank you ☺️

Rating: General Audience

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: Gen

Fandom: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!

Relationships: None

Characters: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Belphegor, Diavolo, Barbatos, Luke, Simeon, Solomon, gn!mc

Additional Tags: gn!mc (you/your), fluff

A/N: This is literally the nicest formatted request I have ever gotten. I admit that sometimes I just looked at it because of how nice it is. Congratulations are intended to be platonic so I included Luke (because he is a sweet child). If you want to assume the adults are romantic, go ahead.

Word Count: 1168

Lucifer

He expected nothing less from you. Anyone who would deny you is a fool. Thankfully, you found an organization that clearly is not foolish. He isn't one to congratulate you much past words, but the ones he speaks are full of such pride. He knows you are destined for great things and cannot wait to see how you make your new employers bow before you. You will be running the entire place within a year.

Mammon

The man was acting like he didn’t notice you going around telling everyone the good news. You looked so happy after all the worrying and hard work you’d put into getting this. Still… all he gave was a disinterested good job, trying to play off like he wasn’t as excited as you. It wasn’t until after he saw how everyone else was celebrating your success that he got serious. He can’t be upstaged by anyone else!

He waits until everyone else is busy, then he goes to you with flushed cheeks and congratulates you in private. He doesn’t have a gift, but he promises to get you one eventually. He’s really proud of you and knows you deserve this.

Leviathan

Of course you managed to do it. You’re amazing unlike him. NOPE! No negative thoughts! Only celebrating! He’s the type that gets you a gift when he hears the news. Ordered in especially for you. Probably a Ruri-chan figure. Maybe one of her adult demon form dressed in a secretary uniform so it’s fitting for the occasion? He probably ordered one for himself too while he was at it. He also got you a keychain so you always have something to remember him by (it is based on the symbol word by the Lord of Shadows).

Satan

He was the one who helped you prepare for the interview and made sure you went in with an unbeatable resume. That's why he can't admit that he was nervous when you went in. He sat with you for so long until the fateful phone call came in and he was the first one to hear you cheer after ending the call.

The dork he is celebrated by getting you a planner and new bad because you are now an important business person. Even if they are inappropriate for your job, he thinks they are well suited for you.

Asmodeus

Oh, darling! Of course you got it. What kind of idiot would reject you? You are absolutely perfect. Almost as perfect as him! Now let him pamper you all night in celebration (and so he can make sure you look amazing on your first day). You will be the envy of everyone that sees you. You’ll be climbing up the corporate ladder in no time with his help. No, he does not care if that’s not actually relevant to your job. You will look absolutely divine no matter what kind of job you are doing. Even if you have to wear a full-face mask, everyone will know exactly how amazing you are underneath.

Beelzebub

He brought you out to an all you can eat buffet. You know he did. He loaded up your plate with everything he could get his hands on. You better enjoy it while you can, because you will never be allowed back here again after Beel eats them into bankruptcy. This is how Beel shows his affections, so you’re grateful.  After you eat so much that you can’t move anymore, he slings you onto his shoulders and walks home with you. It’s like you’re on top of the world (literally this time).

Belphegor

He slept through your excited cheers (somehow) and woke up to a very happy you scrolling through your phone while sitting next to him (trying to avoid everyone asking too many questions after you told them the good news). He’s a very calming presence, especially when he sleeps. He asked about the job and when you told him you got it, he only congratulated you, curled up next to you, and fell back asleep. He doesn’t make a huge deal of it, but he’s happy for you.

Diavolo

He promised he didn't pull any strings to get you the job or a raise or anything (it's a human realm job, after all). Everything you accomplished was on your own merits. He's so very proud of you and the grandiose party he threw proved that three times over. The entire realm was invited and you the only thing that stopped him was Barbatos and Lucifer telling him to stop going overboard.

Fiiiiine. He will do something more reserved. A small celebration will do. Just say the word. Anything you want can be yours if you just ask for it. He intends to spoil you rotten and there isn't a thing you can do about it. Well, nothing except accept.

Barbatos

He is most pleased by your news. Perhaps more pleased than even you are. You were so looking forward to finally getting this job and now it is rightfully yours. A simple invitation to tea will not do. He must do something more personal for you. Perhaps you would enjoy an evening out. He’s heard that humans like fairs? Or maybe you would prefer a more reserved picnic? He just wants to take you out to celebrate your accomplishment.

Luke

He has never had a job, but that doesn't stop him from spending hours in the kitchen making you a celebratory cake. It has tiers and each one is a different flavor. It has buttercream and not fondant. And there are. So. Many. Sprinkles.

It's way too big for just you, so it ends up getting shared with almost everyone, but they aren't allowed to take a bite unless they congratulate you (Luke's rule and he is power tripping on it).

Simeon

If I may be so self-indulgent: he already knew you were going to get it (he never had a doubt), so he was preparing for this day with bated breath. He has the most glorious feast prepared when you get home and he’s dragged everyone in to celebrate. It’s basically a party. There are even gifts; some are practical while others are pure indulgent. He somehow convinced Lucifer to dress up for it and you get the sneaking suspicion that was him just taking advantage of the situation.

Solomon

He is very proud of you; makes a few jokes about how boring your life is going to be with a real job. Wouldn't you rather be his assistant? It doesn't pay as well, but it's more fun. Unfortunately, you have to make money like the average human, so you have to turn down his generous offer. 

He offers to make you dinner in celebration, but you quickly ask to go out instead. Or, better yet, maybe a night in. An old fashioned human sleepover. Just two humans making the best of it with each other. You both get really drunk (possibly off soda).

[tetsvhoe]

Hi! Idk what it is but there's just something sexy about setters' hands! Therefore, I think #36 with Atsumu would be perfect for your event (if it's still going on)!

"GOD, I LOVE YOUR HANDS." | "LET'S PUT THEM TO GOOD USE THEN."

milestone event

character/s: miya atsumu x gn reader

genre/s: suggestive

warning/s: minors dni.

gwen's notes 🤍: i think anon meant prompt 35 and i, too have an unhealthy obsession with pretty hands. aLSO THIS IS MY FIRST TIME POSTING SOMETHING A LIL BIT SCANDALOUS I'M STILL KINDA SHY.

MASTERLIST | TAGLIST

you've spent most of the rainy saturday lounging around with your boyfriend. you slept in, hiding away from the chill of the morning breeze and opted for warm waffles and cold coffee at lunchtime. you've watched movies and caught up with your series. boredom inevitably caught up with you as you snuggled next to him on the couch, he was scrolling through his phone and leaving absentminded kisses on your head from time to time.

you set your phone down and stared up at him, admiring him for a bit. you watched his features be illuminated with a kaleidoscope of colors from his screen.

"tsum," you whispered, poking his chest.

"mhm?" he hummed in response, not bothering to look.

"'m bored," you mumbled, a small pout forming on your lips. he chuckled lightly.

your eyes trailed to where his were glued to, watching a bunch of random tiktoks. without intending to, your gaze lingered lower down his forearm to until where his sweater was rolled up.

you gently and absentmindedly traced a prominent vein from the inside of his wrist. it was like you were put in a trance.

you didn't know why but you thought back to watching him play on the court with unparalleled grace and skill. this pair of hands put their opponents on the court to their knees. and they put you down on yours for all the different reasons. you felt your cheeks heat up.

you grabbed the free hand resting on his torso, gently lining your palm against it. atsumu's brow raised inquisitively, a smirk forming on his lips as he paid less and less attention to his phone.

you studied the feel of his hand against yours, rough and calloused yet gentle to hold. you giggled to yourself at the notable the size difference. you intertwined your hand with his, turning it over to ghost over his knuckles and veins.

"such pretty hands," you sighed quietly to yourself.

they would look good with rings, you thought. an intrusive voice quickly followed through in your head, they would look good around my neck.

your own thoughts seemed to startle you as your eyes widened, even more so when atsumu's other hand trail along your side, pulling you closer to him.

"what are you doing?" he asked, amused. you could practically hear the smirk from his voice.

you grinned at him. "god, i love your hands," you sighed dreamily, your voice coming out more breathy and low than you intended.

your boyfriend's smirk widened as he reached his fingers under your chin to lift your face and kiss your lips gently, yet he still had you gasping for air.

he slid from underneath you to tower over your figure, trapping you beneath him. he propped himself up on one elbow as his other hand moved to cup your jaw and kiss you once more.

his eyes were clouded as he broke the kiss, having you chase after his lips. his fingers gently trailed your jaw, down to your collarbones, down the middle of your chest, before squeezing your thigh.

"let's put them to good use then, hm?"

[thelostgirl21]

For those of you still arguing that Kaidan does not outrank Shepard as an Alliance Officer during the Citadel Coup...

...he does.

Actually, being a Staff Commander in ME2, Kaidan Alenko was already outranking Shepard when they met on Horizon.

First, it is important to understand that, while inspired by it, the Human Systems Alliance does not use the exact same ranking system as the U.S. Navy / Marines. [Edit: I've fixed some (hopefully, most!) of the "he/him/himself" pronouns I'd missed the first time around... And that was... like... 90% of the time I was referring to Shepard. *Facepalms* Sorry about that! I'm so used to writing for M!Shep, that I instinctively say "he/him/himself" when referring to them (and my brain does the weird French thing of including the feminine into the masculine while proofreading, apparently!). If you still spot a non gender-neutral pronoun in there, please feel free to let me know.]

Therefore, according to the System’s Alliance’s own ranking system (that can be found in the game’s codex entries; I’ve also added that information at the bottom of this post, with in-game examples) the rank of Major (and, in ME2, Staff Commander) is above that of a Lieutenant Commander (Shepard’s own Alliance military rank) within the Alliance.

It is the rank of an Alliance Captain (Navy), not that of an Alliance [Lieutenant] Commander (Navy & Marines), that is considered as being the equivalent of that of an Alliance Major (Marines).

Meaning that, by the beginning of ME3, Major Alenko has now risen through the ranks to the point where he holds a similar level of responsibility within the Systems Alliance as Captain Anderson used to hold in ME1. At the very beginning of ME1, Captain Anderson was a Navy Captain, and the Commanding Officer (C.O.) of the SSV Normandy.

Lieutenant Commander Shepard was his Executive Officer (X.O.).

And Staff Lieutenant Alenko was head of the ship's Marine detail*

By the beginning of ME3, Major Alenko is now a Marine Major, and the Commanding Officer (C.O.) of the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company, a covert operations unit of the Systems Alliance.

*Note: I just discovered yesterday what “Marine detail” means, and I just have to say Kaidan’s position on the Normandy is ridiculously cool! 

Basically, it’s Kaidan’s job to determine which personnel position, assignment, or duty station each Marine should have on the Normandy.  While basing his decisions on the person’s professional milestones, taking into consideration the Marine’s personal aspirations and stated preferences, considering their marital status / family lives and responsibilities outside of the military, evaluating whether they have the proper qualifications for the job or require further training, looking at performance reviews...

They are described as the Marine’s “advocate”, trying to make sure that not only are they the “best Marine” for what their actual job requires, but that it’s the job that will bring said Marine the greater level of work satisfaction / align with their needs and personal ambitions.

So basically, after Jenkins was KIA at the beginning of ME1, it was Kaidan’s job to find a suitable replacement to take over his duties on the ship.

So, after Shepard wakes up in the medbay, and expresses that they’re glad that Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was still on the Normandy, because she’s a good soldier that deserves it, and Captain Anderson answers them: “Lieutenant Alenko agrees with you.  THAT’S WHY I added her to our crew.”

He literally means “After seeing her in action, Lieutenant Alenko reviewed her file, checked her qualifications, past performance reviews, family status, her documented professional aspirations and stated preferences, numerous past (denied) applications for a transfer to a shipboard posting, and based on his very own assessment of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, determined that she was the single best Marine in the System’s Alliance for the open position we now had on the ship.”

I’d always assumed that Kaidan had more or less informally gone “Gunnery Chief Williams was really impressive down there!  Maybe we could use her!”

And Captain Anderson had essentially gone: “Sure!  Why not?  We’ve got an open position.  Let’s keep her!”

But I’d all but forgotten that, with Nihlus dead, there was absolutely no Spectre on board that ship at that point in the story, and they were thus likely bound by the System’s Alliance rules and protocols when it came to handing out assignments to fill the vacant positions available on the Normandy.

It’s therefore highly likely that whoever was in charge of the ship’s Marine detail (in this case, Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko), would have had access to a list of applications of suitable candidates that had expressed an interest in serving on that ship.

And that, whenever there was a position vacancy, or a need to add a new position on the Normandy, then the head of the ship’s detail would have the responsibility of taking a good look at those candidatures, and selecting the very best suited Marine for the job.

As a Spectre, Commander Shepard might have had the level of authority required to spontaneously go: “they followed me home, I’m keeping them!”

But Captain Anderson most certainly did not. And, while he was the Normandy’s C.O. (meaning that he’d likely have the final say on whether or not Ashley got the position)...

Well, the person  officially in charge of finding someone to fill the position left vacant after Jenkin’s passing - after having carefully reviewed Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams candidature against those of other potentially qualified System’s Alliance soldiers - was literally Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.

And one would assume that the reason why Kaidan got his own position as head of the ship’s Marine detail, would be because he’d be considered as being very proficient at determining whether or not a given soldier is going to be the right fit for their job, and the best asset for their team.

So, when Captain Anderson tells Shepard that the reason he added her to the crew was because Lieutenant Alenko believed she was a good soldier that deserved a position on the Alliance’s most advanced starship, that was because it was Kaidan’s job to make such decisions.

He had to choose which Marine in the System’s Alliance would take over Jenkin’s duties, and he chose Ash.  Kaidan’s the reason Ashley was assigned to Captain Anderson (and later, Commander Shepard)’s ship.  He’s the one that made it happen and allowed her to advance in her career.

Should Commander Shepard have tried to do the same (i.e. be the one to request Gunnery Chief Williams assignation to the Normandy, in a context where Ashley wouldn’t already have been added to the team while they were out cold); then Captain Anderson’s most likely answer would have needed to be: “I’ll let Lieutenant Alenko know about your commendation, but he’s not done reviewing candidatures and making his choice among them yet.“

I don’t understand how anyone can call Kaidan “boring”. He's such a layered, fascinating character...

As he once told Shepard:

“I’m an enigma. I’ve got skills.”

Yes, yes you do... and, over 10 years later, I’m still discovering some skill-sets that you have that I’d never even suspected before!

And boy, am I pissed we'll never get to know about your run in with the vorcha mafia, five thousand credits, and a bottle of whiskey!

Still, no wonder Anderson was so adamant on Major Alenko being the one offered the Command of the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company.

Besides his very own unique history as a L2 and ability to relate to those kids, he apparently has an eye for military talents, and he likely trusted him to be a very good judge of character when it came to assessing whether those young biotics would be a good addition to the Company, and able to handle working with the rest of a team while on high risk missions without needlessly further endangering their teammates.

However, as a Spectre, when operating under Council authority, both Commander Shepard and Major Alenko are no longer bound by the Alliance military’s chain of command.

And it seems that most players do not realize it, but when Captain Anderson stepped down as the SSV Normandy’s C.O., Shepard did not receive a promotion within the Alliance military in terms of overall rank; but exclusively one regarding their position in regards to their assignment.

They went from being the ship’s Executive Officer (X.O.) to the ship’s Commanding Officer (C.O.), but they still remained an Alliance Lieutenant Commander, regardless of the position they held on the SSV Normandy itself.

I’m thus guessing that Shepard dying so shortly after the Battle of the Citadel, had prevented them from being promoted to the rank of Staff Commander (or even Captain / Major).

And then, in all of the investigations surrounding their claims of having been dead for 2 years, brought back to life through Cerberus technology, the time they spend working with them to hunt down the Collectors, Shepard destroying a batarian system (Arrival), the time they spent in detention between ME2 and ME3 after having been stripped of their rank, etc.  Well, I’m guessing the Systems Alliance never thought to offer them a promotion, either.

At the beginning of ME3, the Normandy SR-2 has been recovered by the Alliance, and is intended to be used by Admiral Anderson (who would have become the SR-2′s Commanding Officer).

With Earth and the Alliance Headquarters under Reapers attack, Admiral Anderson chooses to reinstate Commander Shepard’s rank as a Lieutenant Commander within the Systems Alliance instead, and puts them in charge of his ship (thus, stepping down, once more, as the Normandy’s C.O. in favor of Commander Shepard).

Therefore yes, Commander Shepard is not as highly ranked an Alliance Officer as Major Kaidan Alenko is. However, they were given an assignment as the Commanding Officer of the Normandy SR-2 by Admiral Anderson.

Meaning that, after the Citadel Coup, when Commander Shepard offers Major Alenko a position among the Normandy SR-2′s crew, accepting that position means agreeing to recognize, and respect, Shepard’s authority as the ship’s C.O. as well.

Regardless of Kaidan technically becoming the highest ranking Systems Alliance Officer on board the Normandy SR-2, the position as the Normandy’s C.O. was given to Commander Shepard by Admiral Anderson.

So, if Major Alenko has a problem working under the authority of a lesser ranked officer as part of a Lieutenant Commander’s crew, then it is his responsibility to either refuse the offer and request another assignment (something that Kaidan can do in the game, actually - he can be the one to turn down Shepard’s offer), or take it up with Admiral Anderson, to try to request a change in leardership.

What I also find particularly interesting, with how those scenes play out, is that in both versions where Kaidan doesn’t join the Normandy’s crew, he shakes Shepard’s hand, but does not salute them.

Otherwise, after the handshake, when Shepard tells him “Welcome aboard, Major”, Kaidan straightens up and tells them “Aye aye, sir / ma’am” with a military salute, therefore acknowledging Shepard’s position as his new C.O.

Essentially, Major Kaidan Alenko is not bound by rank to obey Commander Shepard’s orders or accept to serve on their ship...

It is only once he CHOOSES to join the Normandy’s crew and take that offered position that there is this obligation for him to respect that Commander Shepard is the acting C.O. of the Normandy, and that they report directly to Admirals Anderson and Hackett.

As a Spectre, they report directly to the Citadel Council.

And so does Kaidan.  I’m guessing that, should he ever wish to leave the Normandy, he’s got the required authority to do so, and would simply need to ask Admiral Anderson or Admiral Hackett for a new assignment.

He may discuss his decision with Commander Shepard first, out of respect.  But I doubt that Commander Shepard could try to force him to stay and continue to work under the Command of a lesser ranked Alliance officer if he wished to leave the ship.

The only known people that could deny his request for a transfer within the Alliance would be either Anderson or Hackett.

And, as a Spectre, he could very well go “yeah, screw this!  I’m out!”

So yeah, his being willing to take orders from Commander Shepard, and join the Normandy as a member of his crew regardless of him being a higher ranked officer in the Systems Alliance, only highlight the amount of trust and respect he has in Commander Shepard’s abilities and leadership.

Knowing Kaidan, he likely values Commander Shepard as his C.O. based on the man’s actual military, leadership, combat qualifications and training, rather than rank.  Not to mention his ability to recognize their more personal, human qualities, how much they care for their crew, and Kaidan’s own willingness to help them share the burden that’s been put on their shoulders.

I think that, in order to gain Kaidan’s respect and have him gladly follow you, you need to use the power you’ve been given by whatever position or status you hold for the benefit of those serving under you, and/or those under your responsibility, rather than try to dominate and overpower others with it.

Kaidan won’t hesitate to call Udina “a bastard” for what he perceives as him “selling them out”, express dissent when a superior officer is out of line, question the motives of those in charge, and often flirt with insubordination.

He’s one of the most NEUTRAL good characters of the series - letting his integrity dictate his actions first and foremost, rather than being strictly and rigidly bound by ranks, rules, or protocols.

His main source of worry, when it comes to Shepard potentially cutting corners, appears to be the price that THEY may have to pay in the aftermath.

He seems more concerned about the Council or the Alliance openly using Shepard as a scapegoat if things go south, and/or disavowing their actions and leaving them without support, rather than over Shepard themselves breaking the law in such a way that they would make innocent people suffer.

I've always seen him as trying to make Shepard understand that they won't let them go down alone with the ship, figuratively (and perhaps event literally speaking... He sure tried in ME2 until Shepard reminded him that the rest of the crew were also in need of his assistance and counting on them to keep them safe) and share the responsibility of the decisions Shepard makes as long as he also supports them.

And yeah, Kaidan did put his own happiness first when it came to breaking the rules of fraternization.

He even says that the galaxy will just keep going and the only thing that will never happen again is them. And that they are what's most important in that moment.

If it wasn't for how very lucidly attached to the Alliance he is (he sees the flaws, but still considers that the Alliance does more good than harm overall, and is proud of being an Alliance soldier / officer), I'd almost have been tempted to put him into chaotic good territory.

He's dedicated to "doing what's right" (the principle of goodness itself) and acting with integrity, but not so much to "honoring human / citadel laws" or even moral codes per say.

His moral code is very much about remaining true to your own ideals and who you are in a way that promotes the greater good, and allows you to be at peace with your actions. And he's seen constantly questioning his perspective of good and wrong in the world, and adapting what acting with integrity truly means to him (for example, when he was trying to come to terms with the fact that Cerberus scientists could also be good people).

So, I very much consider him someone that is more Neutral (chaotic leaning) good, than Neutral (lawful leaning) good.

Rules and institutions need to make sense and serve a useful purpose to him, and avoid getting in the way of him doing what he believes to be right according to his own personal moral compass that no one dictates him but himself. Otherwise, screw the rules!

It may also be good to remember that Spectres have absolutely no command structure.  To prove themselves to the Council, they have to demonstrate both exceptional abilities and self-reliance.  If they thought that Major Kaidan Alenko would be the type to defer to Commander Shepard’s judgment based on seniority and rank alone, I’m guessing the Council never would have agreed to grant him Spectre status in the first place.

Yeah, Councillor Udina was the one that submitted his candidature, but he couldn’t have actually granted him Spectre status without the Asari, Turian, and Salarian Councillors’ approval.

Meaning that they all saw something in his service history that made them go “Yeah, this is a guy that can totally go rogue, disrespect orders, and do whatever must be done for the sake of the greater good of the galactic community if need be.”

People that see him as some sort of “whiny, Alliance lapdog” seem to forget that  we are talking about a 17-year-old kid that continuously got in trouble with Vyrnnus for talking back (to the point where he started punishing the other kids to get to him), found a way to hack communications on the station to secretly contact his parents on Earth, after having been explicitly forbidden to do so, and angrily stood up to Vyrnnus after Vyrnnus crossed a line while bullying more vulnerable than himself.

Commander Vyrnnus taught Kaidan that some would-be leaders only cared about holding power over others, and were not worthy of being respected nor followed.

Major Alenko simply is not someone that can easily be intimidated into obeying orders, and/or be impressed by power or rank.  What will make him “fall in line”, is the belief that the one giving the orders is the very best suited person for the job.

So, when it all come down to it, I’m pretty convinced that he could care less about Shepard “only being a Lieutenant Commander”.

He cares about Shepard doing the right thing, and about being able to trust their leadership and intents more than anything.

And, while Kaidan Alenko may have all the required qualifications and abilities to handle his own command, too...

...this is not what makes him the happiest.

He’s a soldier.  He likes getting his hands dirty.  He likes being right in the center of the action, and making a tangible difference.

My own partner, whose personality often reminds me of Kaidan (or, actually, Kaidan’s personality often reminds me of him!), has been offered countless of times the job of a team supervisor or coordinator in his work as a computer programmer (systems architect).

Sure, it would come with a salary increase and some advantages...

And sure, he’s a rather assertive guy, with a talent for seeing the greater picture, quickly noticing people’s own individual strengths and resources in a team, finding ways to take full advantage of said strengths and resources while organizing the work to complement every skill-sets they have, and thinking about creative solutions to a problem that others might be missing...

But what he loves most about his work is the coding itself.

He’ll gladly offer his input (actually, nothing you do or say will stop him from voicing his opinions, suggestions, and solutions to an issue...  especially if he thinks you’re being inefficient in the way you’re approaching it, and/or overlooking some variables), but the thought of actually being in charge of the whole working team all the frakking time, and having to manage complaints, conflicts, etc. - when his time would better be used in front of the computer, figuring out why something isn’t working properly - is enough to drive him insane.

He has everything it takes to be a good, efficient, more than qualified supervisor and coordinator...

...except the interest and motivation.

The things that make him happiest at the work he does, lie within the programming itself.

Similarly, I very much perceive Kaidan Alenko as being someone that has every required qualifications, skills, and abilities to be in Command of his own ship or his own squad...

...but typically prefers being a soldier, getting out there in the field and doing his work without having to handle what everyone else has to be doing on top of it.

He made an exception for Admiral Anderson by indulging him, and eventually agreeing to assume Command of the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company.  And, from the way he speaks about his students, it seems that the nature of his job, and his ability to connect with what they are going through and nurture their potential as soldiers, fellow “freaks”, and human beings, ended up making that command worthwhile and an overall positive and stimulating experience for him.

This is one of the many reasons why I lament the lack of interaction between Kaidan and Jack.  They are both powerful biotics that were abused in the hopes of getting results and making their powers stronger.  They both share a deep seated hatred of Cerberus.  And they both ended up becoming teachers and mentors to younger generations of human biotics.

Beyond the potential for humor and entertainment, I think it would have been interesting to see how they might have related to each other, talked about their students, shared a few tips, etc.

But otherwise, Kaidan seems to be happiest while doing his own thing (ex: being sent to investigate certain situations for the Alliance / Council), or serving on a ship while using his skills to offer his support to his Commander, rather than being the one in charge of everybody else.

Given how he tends to be more task than ego oriented, I therefore really don’t think that he has any issues following the leadership of a Lieutenant Commander regardless of his own rank.

As long as he can trust Shepard to be a good leader and get things done, he’ll gladly let them assume command.

But during the attack on the Citadel, Commander Shepard is not Major Alenko’s C.O., as Admiral Anderson never officially assigned him to the Normandy, and after they left Earth in a hurry and headed for Mars to retrieve data, he ended up in the hospital.

If we want to argue that Major Kaidan Alenko was showing any kind of disrespect towards Commander Shepard by refusing to stand down in front of a superior officer during the Citadel coup (an argument that’s occasionally been brought up by those that highly disapprove of the confrontation)...

Well, I hate to break this to you, but per Systems Alliance military protocol, Shepard should have been the one to salute Kaidan, not the other way around.

But it simply doesn’t matter either way.

Because that confrontation was not an “Alliance Lieutenant Commander vs Alliance Major” issue.

This was very much “Spectre vs Spectre” issue.

You simply had two highly trained, experienced, and dangerous Spectre operatives that were interacting on absolutely equal footing, outside of the Alliance’s chain of command.

And they both had the exact same objective: Protect the council from Cerberus.

In the end, it all boils down to trust.  And to whether or not Commander Shepard has the required empathy to understand that Kaidan Alenko has every right to be human, to have doubts, to question people’s motives - regardless of how much he loves them - and to be scared to make mistakes based on his personal feelings towards them.

Kaidan (and Ashley) have the most realistic, healthy, and human reactions that one could possibly have to someone being brought back from the dead by a terrorist organization.

On Mars, he wasn’t trying to attack or hurt Shepard.

What he clearly told them was “I’m confused, I’m scared, I do want to trust you, but I don’t know how.  I’ve seen some of the abject horrors of what Cerberus is capable of doing, and the thought that they might have been using you, or are still planning to use you, against the rest of the Galaxy terrifies me.  I need to know it’s really you - that you haven’t been cloned, brainwashed, or they didn’t plant a chip in your head or something -  and I’m at a loss at where to even start.”

(I’m thinking that should they have discovered that Shepard had been altered in some way and/or was being manipulated by Cerberus, but was still in there somewhere, then Kaidan would have wanted to do anything he could to help free them from Cerberus’ grasp, too.)

And he has every right to feel that way, to be afraid, to be concerned, and to express it.

Actually no one owes any of their friends their “blind trust”.

If someone I strongly care about is doing something stupid or I disagree with, I fully reserve the right to oppose their actions and let them know I’m not on board with it.

I can trust that they are a good person and believe in them.  But I can also occasionally distrust their judgment and whether the decisions they are making are the right ones.

So by openly verbalizing his fears and doubts, what Kaidan is actually doing is letting Shepard in.  He’s reaching out for that connection they share, not shutting them down.

He’s almost desperate to try to explain to them how he feels, so they can open the dialogue and start figuring these things out together, rather than remaining alone in their little corner while allowing those fears and doubts to fester and take root.

If Shepard is able to understand that.  If they can reach back towards Kaidan, show interest in getting to know each other again, rebuild trust, and work through those issues, then as I’ve already demonstrated a little while ago, getting Kaidan to stand down is so ridiculously easy it’s almost laughable.

If they do cut themselves off from Kaidan following Mars, and never reach back towards him, then they are allowing all those doubts and fears to keep on growing...  thus leading to tragedy during the coup.

But yeah, anyone reasonably expecting Kaidan to just step aside the moment those doors opened (when he was fully expecting to see Cerberus operatives come out of the elevator shaft) - especially based on supposed “higher ranked offircer superiority” - is having utterly unrealistic expectations regarding Major Alenko’s personality and behavior.

Either they were too quick to dismiss him as whiny and boring, and thus kept him out out of every mission, skipped conversations, and/or quickly rushed through them without really listening and seeking to understand the character...

They are unable to perceive videogame characters as well-rounded people, but are rather exclusively seeking to immerse themselves in some fantasy world where every single person they encounter either automatically adores them or fears their superior power and influence; and those characters are something that should solely exist for their own entertainment (unlike reality, where they can more easily recognize that each of their friends have personal aspirations, opinions, thoughts, careers and dreams that exist entirely outside of themselves; and they never would realistically expect one of said friends to “drop everything” they are doing on the fly in order to blindly follow them into a private jet that’s being borrowed from a well-known right-wing terrorists organization instead).

Or, they literally have a God complex.

----------

Systems Alliance: Military Ranks (Mass Effect)

The Alliance uses a modified version of the ranking system that has been used for hundreds of years. Soldiers are classified into rank-and-file enlisted personal, experienced non-commissioned officers (NCOs), and specially trained officers.

The divide between naval personnel and ground forces (“marines”) is small. Ground units are a specialized branch of the fleet, just as fighter squadrons are. This unity of command is imposed by the futility of fighting without control of orbit; without the navy, any army is pointless. The marines, as a matter of pride, maintain some of their traditional rank titles; for example, marines have Privates and Corporals instead of Servicemen.

In ascending order of responsibility, the ranks of the Alliance are:

ENLISTED

Serviceman 3rd Class/Private 2nd Class

Serviceman 2nd Class/Private 1st Class

Serviceman 1st Class/Corporal

NCOs

Service Chief

Gunnery Chief [ex: Gunnery Chief Williams (ME1)]

Operations Chief [ex: Operations Chief Williams (ME2)]

OFFICERS

2nd Lieutenant

1st Lieutenant

Staff Lieutenant [ex: Lieutenant Alenko (ME1)]

Lieutenant Commander [ex: Commander Shepard (ME1, ME2, ME3),  Commander Williams (ME3)]

Staff Commander [ex: Commander Alenko (ME2)]

Captain/Major [ex: Major Alenko (ME3); Captain Anderson (ME1)]

Rear Admiral/General [ex: Admiral Hackett (ME1)]

Admiral [ex: Admiral Hacket (ME2), Admiral Anderson (ME3)]

Fleet Admiral [ex: Admiral Hackett (ME3)]

[prouvaireafterdark]

Home - 3x10 Coda

Here’s the tender couch sex I promised! 😘

Also on AO3!

***

“I’m home.”

Alex feels those words in his chest the moment Michael says them, tightening around his heart like a warm embrace. For a moment he thinks he’s going to cry, his eyes beginning to prick with unshed tears, but the sudden touch of Michael’s hand against his neck, the gentle, fleeting brush of his thumb along his cheek ground him in the moment.

His eyes flutter open once more to meet Michael’s gaze. The love he sees reflected back at him is overwhelming in its own right, but Alex catches understanding there too, as if for once Michael knows exactly what he’s feeling, how much those words mean to him. His grip on Michael’s thigh tightens involuntarily at the emotion welling up inside him, but Michael gives him barely a second to dwell on it before he leans in and closes the space between them.

This feels different too, Alex thinks as Michael kisses him, each press of his lips firm and unhurried. He’d grown used to stolen moments and frantic kisses, the two of them taking what they needed from each other with an almost violent fervor, never knowing when—or if—they would get the chance to be together again. 

But there’s no urgency to Michael’s kisses now, no clock ticking down in Alex’s head when Michael knocks their noses together as he finds a new angle. It’s intoxicating—this idea that neither of them is going anywhere, that they have all the time in the world—and Alex sinks into that blissful feeling, his world narrowing to all the places Michael is touching him. 

Alex revels in the softness of Michael’s lips against his mouth and the firm pressure of his fingers curling around the back of his neck. His hand flies up from Michael’s thigh to grip at his bicep, urging him closer, and Michael deepens the kiss, the tip of his tongue teasing Alex’s bottom lip. Alex opens for him eagerly, welcoming everything Michael is offering until they’re both dizzy with it. 

They keep their eyes closed as they break the kiss to catch their breath, neither one of them willing to come fully out of the moment they’re sharing.

“I’ve been waiting a long time to hear you say that,” Alex murmurs, the words flowing out of him before he even gives himself permission to speak. 

“I’m sorry I took so long,” Michael sighs in response, his fingers squeezing lightly at the back of Alex’s neck as he tips his head forward to bring their brows together.

It hurts Alex to hear the guilt edging into Michael’s voice and he shakes his head, opening his eyes as he pulls back just enough to get a look at him. 

“Don’t be,” Alex tells him, reaching up to cup Michael’s cheek. “You needed time. We both did.”

“Still,” he confesses, tilting his head into Alex’s touch. “I wish I didn’t waste so much time.”

Alex swallows roughly before he reminds him, “We have the rest of our lives. Isn’t that enough?”

Michael’s eyes turn glassy as he nods, the corners of his lip twitching upward in a fond smile as he stares back at Alex like he’s the center of his universe. 

“Yeah,” Michael whispers, shifting his head to press a tender kiss to Alex’s palm.

Alex leans in to kiss him properly, close-mouthed and gentle. He stays in Michael’s space when he pulls back and takes a deep, shaky breath before he says three words he’s been waiting over a decade to say.

“I love you,” Alex tells him, stroking his thumb tenderly over Michael’s cheekbone.  

The smile Michael gives him is nothing short of radiant as he says, “I know,” and brushes his nose playfully against Alex’s.

It’s somehow exactly and yet not at all what Alex is expecting to hear, and a laugh bursts forth from deep within his chest, happy tears leaking from his eyes as he asks, incredulously, “Did you just ‘Han Solo’ me?” 

“Maybe,” Michael laughs, and Alex can feel his smile as Michael leans forward to press one soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, and then another. “But I love you too, Alex,” he adds seriously as he pulls away to wipe at the tears that have escaped down his cheeks. “I’ve always loved you.”

Alex closes his eyes as he smiles and lets those words sink in, fairly certain his heart has never felt so full.

“And if you’ll let me,” Michael continues after a beat, his voice smooth as bourbon as he slides his fingers up and into Alex’s hair, “I’d really like to show you how much.”

Alex takes Michael’s meaning immediately and his eyes flash open to look at him. They’ve been very intentionally taking things slow, not wanting to ruin this fresh start they’ve carved for themselves by falling into the old, toxic patterns of their youth, but it feels like they’ve reached a milestone in more ways than one today and Alex is more than ready to take the next step if that’s what Michael wants.

“Oh yeah?” he asks, quirking his head to the side with a coy smile on his lips even as his heart begins to race. 

“Mhmm,” Michael hums, his eyes dropping suggestively down to Alex’s mouth.

“And how do you intend to do that?” Alex asks, a little breathless now as the tension continues to mount between them.

Michael smiles before he leans in to kiss him again, harder this time, bringing back a bit of that fire Alex has grown so used to. He can feel it catch low in his belly, burning hotter with every flick of Michael’s tongue into his mouth, every playful tug on the ends of his hair, until it feels as if he’s being consumed, burned from the inside out. He needs more, needs everything, and it isn’t much longer that Alex reaches for the edge of Michael’s flannel to push it off his shoulders. 

Michael gets the picture pretty quickly and disentangles his arms from Alex’s neck to help him, breaking the kiss just long enough to hastily toss it and his tank top somewhere across the room before he reaches for the hem of Alex’s sweater to do the same. Alex lifts his arms for him and soon enough they’re both shirtless and panting, their hands seeking whatever bare skin they can reach. 

Alex takes Michael by the sides of his face and kisses him again, his fingers sinking into his soft curls. He slowly starts to lean back, pulling Michael with him until they’re both lying on the couch, Alex’s head cushioned by a pillow against the armrest and Michael cradled between his spread thighs.

His bare skin feels like heaven against his chest and Alex groans at the friction on his rapidly hardening cock as Michael settles on top of him and rolls his hips forward. He slides his hands into the back pockets of Michael’s jeans and encourages him to do it again, grateful he’d thought to take his leg off and change into something more comfortable when Michael mixed their drinks earlier.

Michael licks boldly into Alex’s mouth as their hard cocks grind together through the fabric of their pants, kissing him until the pressure inside him builds so much that Alex starts to feel like he’s about to pop like warm champagne if Michael doesn’t stop teasing him.

“Michael,” he gasps between kisses, his voice trembling and urgent, and Michael stops for just a moment, their foreheads touching as they catch their breath.

“I know,” Michael pants, as if he too can feel the desperate, cloying need that has Alex in its grip. “Wanna move this to your bedroom?” 

Alex shakes his head and draws his left leg higher up Michael’s side, keeping him right where he is. “If you make me move from this spot, I’ll never forgive you.”

Michael huffs a laugh against his mouth. “Well,” he says, “wouldn’t be the first time I fucked you on a couch.” 

Alex groans and sinks his teeth into Michael’s plush bottom lip, his cock throbbing in his sweats. His skin feels tight and hot all over just thinking about it—Michael working him open right here and sliding inside him, taking him apart more thoroughly than anyone else could ever hope to.

“Is your lube in that nightstand?” Michael asks suddenly, interrupting Alex’s thoughts as he jerks his head toward his open bedroom door, where Alex knows without looking that Michael can see the lefthand side of his bed.

“Yeah,” Alex nods. “Top drawer. Condoms are in there too.”

The hand in Alex’s hair disappears as Michael reaches out and pulls the top drawer of Alex’s nightstand open with his telekinesis. It takes a second of concentration, like Michael is searching for the right shapes with his mind, before a bottle of lube and a box of condoms levitate out of the open drawer, into the living room, and onto the coffee table just within reach.

Alex laughs, leaning his head back against the armrest of the couch. 

“What?” Michael laughs back. “Did you want me to get up?”

“No,” Alex replies, still smiling as he tightens his legs around his waist. “I like you right where you are.”

Michael swoops in to give him a short, wet kiss on the lips before he starts charting a course down the side of his neck, pausing to linger over a sensitive spot on his way down the column of his throat. 

“You trying to mark me up?” Alex asks after a soft moan escapes him, his fingers tightening in Michael’s hair.

“Mhmm,” Michael confirms shamelessly as he nips his skin between his teeth.  “You never let me when we were kids.”

“No, I didn’t,” Alex agrees. He’d always wanted Michael to, but, well— “I was always too worried my dad would see.” 

“You want me to stop?” Michael asks, lifting his head to look at him, his curls hanging adorably over his eyes.

“No, go ahead,” Alex encourages him, stretching his head back to expose his neck like an offering, a soft, indulgent smile on his lips. “Feels good.”

Michael returns to his work with a smile Alex can feel against his skin. He licks and bites at Alex’s throat in turns, and Alex lets himself enjoy the feeling of it—the way it hurts, just a little, just enough for him to know he’ll wake up tomorrow morning with a mark Michael left him darkening his skin. It sends a thrill down his spine, makes him gasp as Michael sinks his teeth in just a little bit harder before he soothes the bite with his tongue.

That spot on Alex’s throat is pleasantly sore by the time Michael slides down the length of his chest, pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses everywhere he can reach as he curls his fingers into the waistband of Alex’s sweats. He pulls them smoothly down Alex’s thighs along with his underwear, shoving them off the side of the couch and onto the floor. 

Michael sits up to look appreciatively down at him then, eyes dark with want, and Alex can’t help but feel exposed, suddenly very aware of the way his hard cock is leaking against his hip and the wet trail Michael’s tongue left behind on his stomach still shines in the lamplight.

“You gonna keep staring at me all night?” Alex asks, reaching down to wrap his fingers around his cock. Michael tracks the movement hungrily and Alex slowly strokes himself from root to tip, putting on a show as he continues, “Or did you want to do something about this?”

The movement pushes a bead of precome out of his slit and heat spikes through him, anticipation curling low in his gut as he watches Michael lick his lips when it dribbles down his shaft. 

It doesn’t take much more encouragement than that. Michael lays his hands on Alex’s thighs, spreading them even further as he lowers his mouth to where Alex is stroking himself. He grunts as he flicks his tongue over the weeping head of Alex’s cock, his eyes fluttering closed as he swallows.

“Fuck, I’ve missed the way you taste,” Michael murmurs before he takes the head fully into his mouth and softly starts to suck.

It’s barely a moment before Michael tries to take him deeper, and Alex lets his hand slip all the way down to the base of his cock to let him, his head lolling back against the armrest as he moans long and deep. The warm, sucking heat of Michael’s mouth is almost too much and Alex is so distracted he doesn’t notice Michael has reached for the bottle of lube on the coffee table until he hears the distinctive sound of its cap snapping open. 

He feels Michael’s palm pushing against his left thigh next, nudging him to open his legs wider. Alex rests his foot on the edge of the coffee table as he lets Michael gently settle his residual limb over his shoulder to give him plenty of room. 

“Ready?” Michael asks as he pulls off of Alex’s cock, his lips red and slightly swollen. Alex wants to kiss him so badly, but he nods instead, not quite trusting his voice.

Michael’s fingers are slick when he rubs them over his hole, massaging over it a few times before he presses one inside. His other palm curls possessively around Alex’s right thigh and Alex releases his own cock to reach for it, threading their fingers together as Michael starts to lazily fuck him with one finger and then two.

He gasps when Michael grazes his prostate, his hips twitching involuntarily and forcing Michael’s fingers deeper inside of him. He can feel a smug smile spread across Michael’s mouth where he’s dropping soft, wet kisses on the sensitive skin of his inner thighs.

“There, huh?” Michael asks, as if he doesn’t know, as if he hasn’t spent hours—days, even—of his life taking Alex apart like this. He drags his fingers over that spot again, a little harder this time, drawing a moan from deep within Alex’s chest as pleasure lights up his spine. “That feel good, baby?”

“So good,” Alex pants, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. “Don’t stop.”

“Think I could make you come like this?” Michael asks, voice low and rough as gravel. “Nothing but my fingers inside you?”

“You could try,” Alex teases, shooting Michael a grin of his own.

Michael’s eyes darken as he looks up at him between his thighs and Alex wonders briefly if he’ll take him up on the challenge. 

“Maybe another time,” he says at last, withdrawing his fingers and pressing back in with a third, fucking Alex open even further. “I’d rather feel you come on my dick tonight.”

Jesus Christ, Alex thinks, groaning at Michael’s words as much as the sudden stretch of his hole around his fingers. He nearly sees stars as Michael curls them toward his navel, sliding them back out again until only the tips are holding him open before he screws them back inside. Alex closes his eyes and surrenders himself to Michael’s ministrations until sweat starts to break out over his skin and his cock is a drooling mess against his belly.

“Michael,” Alex moans, his grip on Michael’s fingers tightening as his need to come grows sharp and insistent. His head feels heavy as he lifts it off the armrest to look down at Michael through the vee of his thighs.

“Hm?” Michael asks, eyes still caught where Alex can feel him spreading his fingers wider inside him, testing the stretch of his hole.

“Please,” Alex begs, reaching down to grab Michael’s arm with his free hand, his sweat-slick fingers slipping along the skin of his wrist. “I need you.”

Michael doesn’t keep him waiting after that. He presses a soft kiss to his inner thigh before he rises up on his knees and withdraws his fingers as gently as he can. Alex misses Michael’s warmth as he stands up to kick off his jeans, but he’s back in an instant, kneeling between Alex’s legs and rolling a condom onto his cock.

Michael leans over him then, holding himself up with one hand as he slicks his cock with the other, and seconds later Alex feels the blunt head of it nudging against his hole. Alex curses softly as his body opens up around it, and Michael gives him a minute to get used to the stretch once he’s seated, his arms shaking with the effort to stay still as he hovers above him. 

Alex nods when he’s ready, tightening his legs around Michael’s waist encouragingly, and Michael slowly starts to rock forward, the leather couch squeaking with every move he makes. He fucks Alex a little deeper with each thrust until it really starts to feel good, his thick cock brushing Alex’s prostate just enough to keep him wanting more. 

Fuck, he’s missed this—how full he feels with Michael’s cock splitting him open, the sweet sounds Michael makes as he loses himself in Alex’s body, music to his ears. It’s beautiful, the way Michael makes him feel—good and right in a way he’s never experienced with anyone else he’s ever been with. Alex isn’t sure if he believes in fate, in events that are fixed and immutable, but in this moment he finds it hard to believe that it was anything other than destiny that brought him back into Michael’s arms.

Michael’s soft curls tickle his chest as he leans down to press tender kisses over his heart, and Alex can’t help but thread his fingers through his hair, his eyes drifting closed as he gives himself over to the sensation. He thinks he hears a buzzing sound, distant and muted, but it’s quickly drowned out by the pounding of his heart and the low moan he makes as Michael drives his hips forward again, and Alex strikes it from his mind, his whole world narrowing to the hot drag of Michael’s cock in and out of him and the subtle taste of himself he catches on his tongue as he tugs him blindly back up for a kiss. 

Michael can only maintain the measured, even pace he’s set for so long, his thrusts soon growing more rough and uncoordinated. Alex knows he must be close when he takes hold of Alex’s thighs suddenly and pushes his legs up higher, nearly bending him in half before he slips his right hand between their bodies and wraps it around Alex’s cock. 

The change in angle and steady friction on his cock have Alex keening and on the edge in seconds, his hands scrambling for purchase on any part of Michael he can reach. The needy, whimpering moans Michael rips from his chest with every roll of his hips get higher and higher, the pleasure mounting inside him until it finally, finally crests, his balls drawing up tight as he comes, jerking messily in Michael’s grip.

“That’s it, baby,” Michael says, fucking him through it with deep thrusts and a firm hand on his cock.  “Just like that.”

Alex is nearing the point of overstimulation, his thighs trembling on either side of Michael’s hips, by the time Michael shoves his cock as deep inside of him as he can get and shudders as he comes, his face buried in the crook of Alex’s neck as he rides out his orgasm. 

“Fuck,” Michael groans, going totally boneless as he collapses onto Alex’s chest seconds later. Alex takes his weight happily and runs his fingers through his curls. “You think it’s ever gonna stop feeling this good?”

Alex buries the soft laugh that bubbles from his chest into Michael’s curls. “No way,” he says. “I’m sure you’ll still be blowing my mind when we’re eighty.”

“Eighty, huh?” Michael asks, a playful smile as he lifts his head up to look at Alex’s face. “You gonna keep me around that long?”

“Mhmm,” Alex hums without hesitation, pressing a kiss to Michael’s flushed forehead. “I told you: I like you right where you are.”

[justakinkypeach]

Soon 2023

And there it is. I'm divorced now, and have been for almost 6 months. Things have not been easy for me this year so I can't wait to turn this page and look forward to a new year full of promise for a new life.

I have totally neglected this blog but now that I manage to get back on track I want to keep on sharing my feelings and thoughts here, and most importantly keep on writing my memories and sharing my experiences.

I still feel like writing. A lot. English is not my language but I feel the need to express myself, to communicate with the whole world.

I'm 36 years old, now, and I've been through a lot. I've gained some weight but I think I'm still pretty attractive. This is what I'm told, anyway. Men still like me. I don't know how much longer that will last! That's why I really intend to enjoy it for a few more years! But living with a man again is definitely not something I plan to do.

I live in my own place now, I live alone with shared custody of my daughter on alternate weeks. I started going out again. I am well surrounded by my friends. Life is good. I am good.

And of course, I started dating again. I am experiencing again all these feelings, these first times, these fears, these hopes, these doubts, but also these risk-taking and this carelessness, this boldness sometimes.

Love and seduction is the most exciting game. I sometimes played it half-heartedly at first, but now I finally know how to let it go, and to enjoy it fully.

And sex. Sex is so good when you really feel uninhibited like I feel now. With maturity and experience, I have reached a milestone. I am no longer ashamed to put my pleasure first, but I am also no longer ashamed to do everything it takes for my partner's to climax. I fuck a lot, I can tell. Infinitely more than during my married life. And I enjoy it so much that it frightens me sometimes!

Fortunately, those weeks when I have my daughter at home help me to pace myself. So currently, my life is all about motherhood, work, and lust. Family and work are probably boring, so that's why I decided to share some of the lust here...

[venusiangguk]

may we see the fight tae oc scene pls pls please!!! u can delete later🤔🤔🤔🤔😳😳😳😳 i’m really curious. i mean ofc u don’t have to. still 😧🙃

idealizations concerning real life relations: deleted scene

>>pairing: jungkook x reader / icrlr!couple

>>genre: fwb, angst, rated PG

>>word count: 2.5k

>>warnings: alcohol, implied smut

>>notes: this is a deleted scene from icrlr, that i omitted simply because of the length of the final fic!! feel free to skip or ignore, it doesn't change anything, but since u guys are curious about it, i'll post it as a lil ty for helping me hit that milestone <3 it takes place after the tattoo party scene, and before the lecture scene.

this does NOT provide an alternative ending.

>>summary: taehyung tries to make you see things for what they really are, but it's hard to see through the rose colored glasses.

Winter break has been long awaited and it is finally, finally here. The snow has coated the ground thick, making the town look like a winter wonderland. The air is sharp and cold but not to a miserable extent. Just chilly enough to bundle up, to hold a hand a little tighter and soak up their warmth.

Your favorite season is fall, but the later months are a close second. You love seeing the way everyone’s faces get red when snow flurries come down to kiss their nose and cheeks. Love the way pom poms bounce atop little hats as children play and have snowball fights. Winter is surprisingly one of the warmest, sweetest times of the year. Like the hot coco Jeongguk has been swapping your regular macchiato with lately.

There’s a greatly anticipated party tonight- a mashup of Taehyung’s birthday and New Year’s Eve. Anticipated for the simple fact that said birthday boy has steadily been ignoring you for weeks, and tonight was a night where he couldn’t evade your attempts of reconciliation. He hasn’t returned a single call or even sent a text back. You can’t even be mad at him really, you know it’s justified. You know you fucked up. The coffee date you had with Yoongi last week let you know what you did.

Over an iced coffee, you learned that you had unintentionally skipped out on your best friend's Winter Showcase. The important one that he mentioned multiple times. The one you promised to attend no matter what.

It wasn’t on purpose; you wanted to go, to support him. But you just got caught up. In life, in school, in Jeongguk. It happens.

When Yoongi asked you why you had missed it, when he told you how hurt Taehyung was by your absence, your heart dropped, sank deep within your chest as your mouth fell open before closing, a small pursed frown on your lips. You didn’t have a good excuse. You went to get tattoos with Jeongguk and then to a party where you fucked him, and then home after that? You were too tired to make it? You just simply forgot? Those excuses weren’t good enough for you and you knew they wouldn’t be good enough for Taehyung.

Whereas Yoongi was okay with distance, long periods in between hanging out and talking, Taehyung wasn’t. He was the kind of friend that needed support, reassurance that you cared. He liked quality time and hangs outs that were planned ahead so he could look forward to them. He was looking forward to you being at his showcase.

The party is packed, even more so than usual. Students, drop-outs, alumni, and randoms alike, all congregate to bring in the new year, to celebrate the end of finals, and a certain art majors birthday. Bodies are on bodies, music is loud and deafening. Cups, bottles, and small baggies litter the floor and the smell of weed is nauseating.

Jeongguk’s hand in yours is sweet, though. Enough to ebb the distaste in your mouth as you watch the stereotypical disaster that is a college party.

“I’m going to go find the drinks, okay?” you lie, squeezing Jeongguk’s hand lightly.

He squeezes back, kisses the side of your head as he says, “Bring me one back too?”

You nod, and slip out of his view. Scanning the crowd until you see a familiar face.

Jimin is laughing, red cup in his hand, eyes curled and happy. He’s sitting on the arm of a couch, legs swinging as he laughs with a group of people. He takes a drink from his cup and let’s his eyes roam the room like he’s looking for someone.

The way his face changes when he sees you approaching is like a punch in the gut. It goes from happy, and carefree to stony- only a small, irritated, close-lipped smile on his face. Eyes harsh and cold, no longer holding the mirth they were just seconds ago. He says nothing when you step in front of him, he just looks you over like he’s bored and waiting for you to get on with it so he can be done with it.

You shift on your feet under his scrutiny. “Where’s Tae?” you ask.

Jimin narrows his eyes at you and tilts his head. “Now you want to know where he is? Haven’t been concerned with his whereabouts for months. Definitely weren’t worried about it last week.”

You wince but carry on swiftly. “Listen, I know I fucked up. I’m here to apologize.” You look at him expectantly, but he holds his ground. When he doesn’t falter, you resort to begging, “Please, Jimin. He’s my best friend… I miss him.”

You must look pitiful, because Jimin’s indifferent facade fades, and he clicks his tongue like he’s annoyed at himself for giving into you. “He’s getting us drinks in the kitchen.”

A smile takes over your face as you rush out a ‘thank you’, quickly turning on your heel to head in the opposite direction, before Jimin calls after you.

“Yeah?” you ask, looking over your shoulder at him.

“If he’s your best friend, maybe treat him like it, yeah?”

You continue to the kitchen without replying, and you can’t help the little simmer of annoyance that bubbles in your chest. Taehyung has been your best friend for years. And even though Jimin had a point, who was he to tell you anything about yours and Taehyung’s friendship?

Before the thought can fester, however, you see the boy you came looking for, two bottles of vodka in his hand like he’s trying to decide which to use. You see the little party hat atop his shaggy hair before anything else and your heart aches a little. You really did miss him. He lets out a small annoyed sound, and knowing him, he’s probably trying to figure out which has the highest alcohol percentage. You come up next to him, and say his name gently. He jumps, but when he realizes it’s you, the ghost of a smile curls on his lips like he’s happy to see you.

Until it’s replaced with resentment just as quickly. His sharp eyes squint at you before turning back to the bottles in his hands, scowl still in place.

“So you decided you could pencil me in between getting your heart toyed with and your back blown out?” He gives you a side glance and sees how your jaw drops in surprise. He carries on, unbothered. “Or did this just work out because it coincides with New Year’s and because he was invited? Only because he’s Jimin’s friend might I add.”

“Tae-” you try, doing your best to keep the hurt whine out of your tone.

“Save it, __. I don’t want to hear the excuses you have. Just-” he looks at you again, and you think that maybe he softens when he sees your crestfallen features. He sighs like he’s tired. “Just leave me alone. Just for a bit, okay? I’ll get over it eventually,” he finishes, finally deciding on the vodka he wants.

You know his request isn't unreasonable. But it’s already been so long that the distance in your friendship has been eating away at it, that you’re scared ‘eventually’ might take too long and by the time he comes around, there won’t be much of a friendship left. That the damage done, will be irreparable.

“Tae… It’s already been months, can’t we-”

Like night and day, the softness that you were able to pull out of him is immediately replaced with that resentment and anger you were met with when you first stepped into the kitchen.

“Yeah,” he seethes, strong brows furrowed. “And whose fault is that?”

His words are sharp and the sting from them makes you take a step back. That is, until you feel anger of your own creep up your throat like venom. “You’re one to talk, Taehyung. You could have reached out to me, too. You’re no better than me when you’re in a relationship.”

He groans, gives an exasperated laugh before shrugging. “You know what? Maybe I am just as bad as you, but at least I’m actually in a relationship,” he spits, “You’re just fucking someone that doesn’t give a fuck about you.”

You know he’s hurt because of the distance. That he doesn’t intend to be so mean. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, and it doesn’t stop the angry tears from pooling in your eyes.

And although you’re angry, almost shaking with rage at the feeling of being cornered and blamed, your heart aches at hearing his words.

Jimin, who started seeing Taehyung after you started seeing Jeongguk, had already made your friend official. Had given him the title, the commitment, the relationship that you had been patiently and understandingly waiting for with Jeongguk. The bitterness that bleeds into your heart makes you feel gross and ugly.

You know what they say; that labels are superficial and don’t mean that much. But when you don’t have them? It makes you wonder. If a label really isn’t that important, like everyone says, why is Jeongguk so reluctant to give one to you?

“Jimin’s your boyfriend?” you whisper.

Taehyung gives you a short nod. “Month and half ago. You would’ve known if you got your head out of Jeongguk’s ass.”

Almost like he was summoned, the topic of debate waltz into the room, coming up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist. He nuzzles into your neck.

It’s instinctual now, the way your body responds to him. The way you melt into his chest like second-nature, how your hands settle over his like they are keeping them in place. How immediately in his presence you feel calmer; the panicky, hurt feeling you were experiencing moments ago vanishing as if it were just a fleeting thought and not something that’s always in the back of your head.

Not in a possessive, ‘I need him to be mine’ kind of way, though.

More like, ‘Why won’t he be mine?’

“Hi,” he murmurs into your neck.

“Hi, baby,” you respond softly, out of habit. The room shirks around you whenever he’s near. Makes you feel like you’re in your own bubble with him.

Jeongguk’s about to reply, ask where the drinks are, but then he hears an annoyed scoff sound in front of you both. Jeongguk bristles as he looks up and sees Taehyung taking a big swig from his cup.

“Uh- am I interrupting? Should I go?” he asks hesitantly, looking between you and your friend.

“No-” you say at the same time that Taehyung says, “Yes.”

You cringe, and turn in Jeongguk’s arms, hands resting on his chest. “Just give me a couple more minutes okay? I’ll bring the drinks.”

Jeongguk searches your eyes, before looking at Taehyung one last time before giving you a stern nod and a quick kiss.

You turn back to Taehyung, ready to apologize for Jeongguk’s interruption, when he talks over you.

“You’re pathetic,” he starts, and you roll your eyes with an irritated sigh before he continues, “but I know you love him. And that you can’t help it,” he shrugs. “But as your friend, I have to tell you that it’s not going to end well. You probably don’t even need me to tell you that. You probably already know and are choosing to ignore it for the sake of the delusions you’ve made up in your ‘pretty little head’.”

You pout at him quoting you, and your brows furrow. “He cares about me. And he’s Jimin’s best friend. He’s a good person, you don’t even know him,” you argue defensively. Though you know your arguments make little sense and are flimsy at best.

Taehyung frowns. Pauses like he’s thinking.

“I didn’t say he was a bad person, and maybe he does care about you in his own messed up way. But he doesn’t care about you in the way that you want him to.” His lips are still down turned when he speaks again.

“And the difference between him with you and him with Jimin is astronomical; it shouldn’t even be a comparison, but I will humor you,” he rubs a hand up and down his face like he’s tired. “The dynamic is completely different, for obvious reasons. For one, Jimin is a safe relationship. You are not. Jimin isn’t in love with him, Jimin isn’t sucking his dick, and Jimin doesn’t want things from Jeongguk that Jeongguk cannot give, or does not want to give,” he says with a raised brow as he takes a sip of his drink.

It seems that the anger has died down some between you both, a semi-civil conversation finally being had. You wrinkle your brows in confusion at him. “What are you talking about?”

He rolls his eyes. “Cmon __. Why do you think he hasn’t made you his girlfriend? Why do you think he literally has not been in a serious relationship since high school? Why do you think he never agrees to anything more than 2 months out?” He waits for you to answer but you just purse your lips stubbornly. “He’s scared. Dare I say terrified of commitment, and that’s exactly what you want from him right?”

You stay headstrong and quiet for a moment longer, ignoring his question in favor of asking one of your own when you finally do speak up. “If I’m so scary, why hasn’t he left?”

Taehyung shrugs. “Fuck if I know? Maybe he does care about you like you say he does. I don’t think so, but hey,” He raises his hands in mock surrender, like he is throwing in the figurative towel. “Maybe you’re right and maybe I‘m wrong. Or maybe there’s some fucked up codependency fermenting between you both when you copulate. I genuinely have no clue, and frankly, I don’t care to find out. Don’t text me until you come to your senses. And don’t get mad when I tell you ‘I told you so’.”

And with that, he turns and leaves you to make your own drinks. You hope the smile you give Jeongguk when you find him is believable.

That night when you go back to his place, you voice your concerns to him in between sweet, heated kisses that taste like hot cider. You tell him hesitantly how Taehyung voiced his concerns about Jeongguk not caring about you and Jeongguk got a little irritated, a little miffed as he unlatched his lips from your neck. He asked what Taehyung knew, how he even came to that conclusion when he’s not around you both.

He assured you with gentle touches and tender words that of course he cares about you. He reminded you that he always makes time for you, he always answers your calls and your texts, he takes you out every now and then, too. He asks you what you think and when you contemplate your answer, going over what he said, you can’t really argue with him. Even if an uneasy, dismal feeling settles in the pit of your tummy.

~~~

hellooo!! again, this is just a scene and part of the plot that i chose not to use because i felt like the fic was already so long. i wish that i had ended up including it tho, so i hope you enjoyed even though its nothing special <3 feel free to do the things if you liked it: like, comment, reblog, send an ask~~ love u, ty again for helping me reach that milestone <3