#i still ended up listened to that episode during covid

[wolf-of-woke-street]

Sometimes I'm a little sad that I only got into the Magnus Archives once it was already finished. Sad that I missed the hype and theorizing that came with each episode drop, watching it all unfold along with everyone else.

Then I remember that MAG 164 The Sick Village dropped on the 23rd of April 2020 and it would have absolutely broken me

[merrybloomwrites]

I'll Be There for You - Platonic Smosh x Reader

Summary: 2020 starts great for reader before covid enters the chat and flips her world upside down. Her friends at Smosh are there to support her through one of the hardest times of her life.

Word Count: 2.5K

CW: covid, quarantine, parent death, panic attack

AN: Was listening to a Smosh Mouth episode and they brought up filming during quarantine and it randomly inspired this story. I lost my own dad during covid and Smosh was absolutely one of my escapes during that time so this story may just be me processing that haha

No romantic relationships for reader in this, just lots of supportive friends.

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From the moment you hear about this new virus, you’re nervous about it. The news stations are trying to keep everything positive, spin it like this is no big deal. But what you see on social media is telling a different story.

You’re not so much worried for yourself as you are for your family. They’re all the way across the country on the east coast while you’re in Los Angeles. And many of your family members have lung issues. While you don’t know much about this coronavirus, it seems to be most harmful to people’s lungs, leaving you to worry. 

It seems crazy to be taking a trip right now, but the threat doesn’t seem to be too bad. Travel is still permitted, and so your group goes ahead with your trip to Australia. You’ve been looking forward to this for months, and try so hard to not allow your anxieties overshadow your excitement. 

It’s a solid group on the trip: Shayne, Courtney, Ian, Damien, Sarah, and Matt Raub. All of you are trying to ignore the increasingly worrisome news and keep things light. You attend two different expos, doing live shows as well as meet and greets with fans. Those bookend the trip, with lots of different activities in the middle, including visits to a couple zoos to learn about local wildlife. 

You hold koalas and snakes, laugh with your friends, and for a little while, you forget all about the bad things that are happening. 

But you can’t hide from it forever. Despite everyone joking about the virus, you can’t help but be afraid. Every day of the trip, more news is revealed, and things look more and more grim. 

Towards the end of the trip you do a couple planned meet and greets at Sydney’s Madame Tussauds. You’re on the verge of a panic attack the whole time, feeling like every person you talk to could be carrying this unpredictable virus. 

Ian picks up on this and pulls you aside during a break.

“You okay?” he asks, concern etched on his face.

“I can’t shake this feeling, like we’re all going to get infected and then bring it back home, and every time a new person comes in the room it’s like another chance for germs to spread. What happens if we get sick? We don’t know anything about this virus, or what it can do to people, and there’s more and more cases everyday-” your rambling cuts off as you gasp for a breath. The panic attack is officially setting in, the room spinning around you as it gets harder to breathe. 

You hear Ian say something, but the ringing in your ears prevents you from understanding him. A moment later Sarah is standing in front of you, catching your eye and encouraging you to breathe with her. After a minute of matching her breaths, you’ve calmed down and gotten through the worst of the panic attack. 

Sarah leads you to the couch, sitting next to you, close enough to be a grounding presence but far enough that you don’t feel closed in. Ian walks over, crouching in front of you and handing you a water bottle. 

“Sorry about that,” you finally say.

“Don’t you dare apologize,” Sarah says. “Your feelings are completely valid.”

Ian nods before saying, “I know we’re all making jokes about this, but I think everyone’s just covering up how scared they are. I’m definitely scared. You’re right to say that there’s so much we don’t know. I’d say don’t worry about all that, but that’s stupid because you’re gonna worry anyway.” 

You laugh at that, feeling much better now knowing that you’re not alone. Ian smiles and places a comforting hand on your knee and you reach out to hold Sarah’s hand as well. The three of you sit for a moment and then Shayne walks in the room saying, “Time to start up again.”

He looks at you guys, sees the redness in your eyes and notices the way the others are comforting you and asks, “Everything okay?”

“Yea, I’m good now,” you answer. “We’ll be right out.”

Shayne nods and walks away. You go to stand but before you can get up Ian says, “You don’t have to go back out there if you’re not comfortable. We can do the rest without you if you need some space.”

“I’ll be fine, but thank you,” you reply. He smiles and gives your leg one last squeeze before standing and giving you a hand up. It’s a nice moment, one where you’re reminded about how wonderful it is to work for Ian. He’s a kind boss, but also like a big brother to you, and you appreciate having him in your life. 

The rest of the time in Australia goes smoothly, and then it’s time to fly home. Sarah and Ian stick by you throughout the long day of travel. You don’t ask them to, but you can tell they’re worried that you’ll get anxious in such a crowded space. Somehow that makes it easier, and you’re able to spend the day joking with your friends rather than panicking. 

You’re exhausted when you get home, saying a rushed goodbye to your friends and heading home.

And then the isolation begins. The world practically shuts down completely as soon as you get back to the states. You go from constantly being around people, to being completely alone. It’s fine at first, you’re exhausted from traveling and this gives you a good excuse to be lazy for a few days. 

You spend a lot of time on the phone with your family, begging them to stay inside the house and stay safe. And they seem to listen, only going out twice for supplies. But apparently that’s all it takes. 

Just over a week after the Australia trip your mom gets sick. It’s obvious right away that it’s covid. For one thing, your mom has worked with children for decades. Her immune system is impeccable, you’ve never seen her get a cold or the flu before. For her to be sick is odd, plus she has all the symptoms, so it’s a no brainer.

And then a few days later, your dad is sick as well. You knew it was inevitable, that once the virus was in the house he was going to get it as well, but hearing it for sure makes your blood run cold. 

He already has a couple of lung issues, and you can’t help but feel like this isn’t going to go well. You hate that you’re stuck on opposite coasts and can’t do anything to help. You call them as much as possible, wanting to stay positive and hearing their voices always helps.

But then your dad gets worse and ends up in the hospital. You finally tell your Smosh friends what is going on. You’d kept it quiet at first, but they picked up that something is wrong. 

You try to continue on like normal, assuring your friends that you’re fine, but they don’t accept that. While they never overstep, you’re often surprised with kind texts or things appearing on your doorstep. 

It’s a particularly bad day. Your dad has just been placed on a ventilator. You get the news while in a zoom meeting, and everyone can tell that something has happened. 

“You okay, Y/N?” Courtney asks. 

You shake your head no and think about what to answer. You could be vague, just say it’s an update about your father and leave it at that. But these are people that care about you, that want to support you. 

“My dad just got put on a ventilator,” you reply. 

“My god, Y/N, I’m so sorry. Did they say anything else?” Shayne says. 

“Apparently the doctors said it’s a preventative measure. Supposed to let his lungs heal. But we’ve all seen the statistics. Most covid patients don’t come off the vent.” 

“If you need to go you can,” Ian says. “Don’t feel like you need to stay on this call.”

“No, that’s okay. I’d rather keep working. Either that or sit in silence in my apartment,” you answer with a shrewd laugh. 

“Alright, well if you need to leave at any time please feel free. No explanation needed, we’ll understand,” Ian says. 

The meeting resumes and you sit quietly while they plan the upcoming Smosh Games schedule. You don’t have any input, and it’s pretty clear you’re not really listening, but you’re comforted by the sound of your friends' voices. 

The zoom call finishes, and you’re left alone with your thoughts. You’re not sure how much time passes, but the sun has moved to shine through a new window as husk begins so it must be a while. 

You’re startled back to reality by a text on your phone. Your heart races, fearing it’s you mom with even worse news. You breathe a sigh of relief when you see it’s from Spencer, his message saying, “Check out your front door.”

Doing as he’d instructed, you see a bag that had been delivered. It’s takeout from chilis, enough food for multiple meals, all your favorites. 

This is just what you needed. Your appetite hasn't been great, but smelling the familiar food has your stomach growling. After sending him a thank you message you dig in. 

Now full of comfort food, you manage to do your normal nightly routine of cleaning up the apartment and taking a shower. You go to bed feeling scared, but supported. 

Three days later, you get the news you’d been dreading. Your moms calls in the morning, saying the doctors think he won’t make it through the day. It’s a Sunday, and you have nothing to distract you. People text, but you leave them unanswered. 

It’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles, and you do the only thing you’re allowed to do: take a walk. 

Losing track of time, you wander through neighborhoods, making sure to keep distance from other people out walking. It pains you to see happy families, people who are making the most out of this pandemic. People whose lives aren’t being drastically changed forever. 

You get back home in the early afternoon. Soon after, your mom calls. You almost ignore it, knowing what she’s going to say but wanting to delay the inevitable. But you know you can’t do that. 

It’s a short conversation, your mother unable to say too much between the tears. 

You hang up feeling numb. It grows dark outside and finally you text Ian, asking for the next day off. 

His response is immediate, expressing his condolences and telling you to take at least the week off. You ask him to send a message to the others, not wanting to have to do it yourself. 

You wrap yourself into a cocoon of blankets, lay in bed, and cry over the loss. 

The next few days you find that you’re exhausted, with random bursts of high energy. You use the energy to respond to your friends' messages, thanking them for reaching out and telling them you’re okay. 

You speak on the phone with Damien for a while a couple days after it happens. While all of your friends are supportive, he’s the only one who’s been through this before. He truly understands what it’s like to lose a father. His experience, his words, everything he has to offer is incredibly comforting to you. And when he says he’ll always be there to listen, you know he’s telling the truth and not just saying what he thinks is the “right thing”. 

And then that Thursday, just a couple days after your dads death, the vlog of your time in Australia is released. 

You get the notification that it’s been posted as you always do, and instead of being excited that a new video is up, it sends you into a breakdown. You’re crying, gasping for breath, and you need someone there with you. 

For the first time since all of this began you cannot be alone. People have been offering to stop by and because it’s been over two weeks since any of you have been around others it’s technically safe. But you always refused, assuring them that you’re fine. 

Now, however, you need people around you. Through tears you find your phone and immediately call Courtney, asking if she and Shayne could come over. She says yes without hesitation and stays on the call while the two of them make their way to your place. 

Needing the comfort of your room you say, “Front door is open. I’ll be in my bedroom when you get here.”

“Just a couple more minutes,” Courtney replies as you climb under the covers. 

“Okay,” you murmur to let her know you heard her. 

As promised she and Shayne enter a few minutes later. Without hesitation Courtney climbs into bed with you, wrapping you up in your arms. You melt into the embrace, sobs ripping through your body. 

When you’ve finally cried yourself out, you pull away and notice Shayne’s no longer in the room. A moment later he walks back in, carrying water, tissues, and your favorite cookies. You smile weakly at him and pat the bed, inviting him to join you and Courtney. 

He sits next to you, and you’re effectively sandwiched between the two of them. It’s comforting to be surrounded by two of your best friends. You’d always been close with them, and we’re happy that nothing changed when they started dating. 

They’re two people who will always have your back, no matter what. They stay with you until the next morning, Shayne leaving temporarily to pick up anything he and Courtney need for the night. 

You hadn’t realized how much you needed to be around people, but it’s clear how much it helps to actually see people and talk to them without a screen. 

Finally, you start accepting people’s invitations to hang out. You make good use of your apartment complex’s patio area so that you can hang out while still social distancing. You don’t often talk about your dad or how you’re doing, but rather about other mundane things. It feels good to talk to friends about something even somewhat normal. 

The other cast members take turns filling in for videos that you’re supposed to appear in. You’d tried going back to business as usual, but found that you couldn’t be as lighthearted and funny as you usually were. Rather than try to fake it, you’d switched to a more behind the scenes role for the time being. 

In May and June, fans start to notice that you aren’t appearing in any videos. Many theories float around, and you decide you’re ready to make the news about your dad public, instead of letting the rumors continue to spread. 

You make a post about your father on Instagram, a picture of the two of you with a caption explaining the loss. Support floods in, from friends, family, and fans alike. 

Though it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever experienced, it’s so nice to know you have such wonderful people who will always have your back.

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AN: Thanks so much for reading! I'm working on two stories for Whumptober, One Spencer x reader and the other Damien x reader!

[fleurotter]

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 FLEUR in RUN BTS ! ⋅ ☆ ( EP. 150 / 151 )

돈 전쟁 숙박! — war of money staycation! EP. 150 ✉︎ in which. fleur and the boys battle it out and play various little games, as to who'll get the largest hotel room.

oh fleur was going through it this episode (˃̣̣̥ -˂̣̣̥)

standing there the whole time with scrunched up eyebrows and a tiny opened mouth since she wasn't getting the concept

"what do you mean we'll have to communicate via. zoom? we just had covid.. ( under breath ) that's trauamtic."

the second she heard the first game aka. perfect pitch she knew she was done for

she had never been the strongest in notes, like ever

mf didn't even try 😭😭 she just lost hope it was so visable

literally in shock when jungkook won, "how does one do that?"

also tried to cheat?? looked back while jungkook was hitting the bells.. she probably just wanted to look at her man ngl

AND SHE STILL DIDN'T GET IT RIGHT

i'm telling you she just looked at his face.. she really didn't care about the size of her hotel room

was actually very disappointed in herself when she didn't get the kuala lumpur answer right

"didn't we have a concert there? the malyasian armys are going to be disappointed." and the boys were like "don't make us feel bad"

like mama didn't you get the answer wrong yourself ??

ultimately knew she wouldn't get the proverb game in any way

sat down on the floor too she knew she had no chance

jungkook was like "get up, fight!" and she did not listen (he ended up sitting next to her)

"i don't know korean slang, i don't really see korean memes these days."

jungkook said 'worldcup' and she didn't believe him "don't play with me ( 😢 )" with the saddest expression it was hilarious

she won the idgaf war about her room, full on "this isn't that bad of a size. i almost cried during the game and this was what it was for? ( stares at staff behind camera )"

was also gagged at the prices like little miss cheapskate over here felt so bad ordering anything

instantly ordered dessert, "mmh ice cream ( sings ice cream cake by red velvet )" armyreveluvs were also fed that day! everybody won.

돈 전쟁 숙박! — war of money staycation! EP. 151 ✉︎ in which. fleur and the boys spend their limited money on various foods.

heard rm order ribs and was lowkey jealous, "( pout ) i should've bhought something salty first, i just ate something sweet."

"what if we share our meals.... as strategy?" she was fooling no one

straight up went to namjoon ♡

truth is she just didn't want to be alone for that long she thought it was really boring

eating her ice cream while stealing some of his food while he was scolding her in the gentlest way possible oh the fleurjoon stans had a field day!

then went to yoongi she was just exploring

literally let out the loudest "awww"

"cat watching cat ( english )"

decided to flop down onto his bed like she owned the place, the boys let her do ANYTHINGGG

"don't you find these a little sad? i heard a lot of them are staged."

yet stayed to watch the whole thing since yoongis presence is just very calming to her

patted namjoons back when the price was revealed, "wow that was very smart of you."

[v1olent-l1ttle-th1ng]

Alright y’all so I’m someone who likes to associate songs with character relationships so I figured I’d share some of my favourites on here. I have playlists for most of these so if you want more songs let me know!

Violet and Xaden:

Stand By You - Marlissa. This song gives me Onyx Storm vibes so hard. Like I actively squeal every time I listen to it it’s so good. “The hurt in your eyes” “I will stand by you.” Ugh. PERFECTION.

The Last Time - Taylor Swift. Listen to it. Need I say more.

Castles Crumbling - Taylor Swift. Again. Just listen to it. So. Good.

Sinners - Lauren Aquilina. “The world may disapprove but my world is only you.” Um hello. Yes.

Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra. Pure. Gold.

High, high, high. - Camylio. This one’s from Xaden’s POV for me. “You get me high, high, high oh with just your smile, my love.” I mean ya. Basically all of Xaden’s feeling in summary.

In The End - Beth Crawley

I Did It For You - David Cook

Also, spoiler alert if it wasn’t already obvious, these two are my literally faves so apologies if I have more favourite songs for them than for others. I think my Riorgail playlist is several hours long at this point.

Feyre and Rhys:

Rescue - Lauren Daigle. “I will send out an army to find you, in the middle of the darkest night.” Cassian and Azriel coming to rescue Feyre and Lucian. Like hello. I swear this song was made for them.

You Say - Lauren Daigle. Again, just listen to it.

Right Here, With You - David Cook. Rhys accepting Feyre and her trauma and comforting her. Ugh. Amazing.

Broken - Isak Danielson. Basically how I think Rhys feels towards Feyre about Tamlin.

The Dark - Aracana

Kai and Paedyn:

Just Cause I Love You - Avery Anna. I just get SO MANY kaipae vibes from this. “Just cause I love you, don’t mean I want to.” UGH MY BABIES.

Hurts Like Hell - Fleurie and Tommee Profitt. If you’ve read these books and love these two like I do, seriously listen to this.

Jude and Cardan:

I like TCP, don’t get me wrong, but it’s definitely not my fave. I know it’s pretty popular on here though so I figured I’d add one.

Letting Someone Go - Zach Bryan. Honestly summarizes their feelings for basically the whole series after Cardan’s initial confession in my opinion.

Tris and Tobias:

I don’t know if anyone is still into Divergent, but this series (minus Allegiant because we pretend it doesn’t exist) literally gave me life when it came out. Like I re-read it so many times.

Just Give Me A Reason - Pink. Literally all of Insurgent. Like I don’t even think this requires an explanation.

June and Day:

Last Kiss - Taylor Swift. The ending of Champion absolutely wrecked me when I first read it but after I found out about Rebel (literally only like 2 years ago) I was saved.

I also have several TV show couples that I have playlists for too so buckle up:

Grey’s Anatomy:

I legit have like a 10 hour Grey’s Anatomy playlist so if this is something you want just message me. Early Grey’s Anatomy had me in such a chokehold in high school it’s not even funny.

Once Upon a Time:

I’m a sucker for Emma and Killian. I watched OUAT so much growing up.

Arms - Christina Perri

The Words - Christina Perri

Olivia and Fitz:

I have also been obsessed with Scandal for like ever! I’m also currently rewatching and ugh, Olitz, my babies.

The Only Exception - Paramore

Deep End - Birdy

Elizabeth and Ressler:

I don’t know how popular the Blacklist is on here, but I became OBSESSED with these two during covid lockdown. And no, I have not seen any of the latest seasons because I refuse to watch the last episode of season 8 so that I can pretend it doesn’t exist.

Break My Heart Again - Finneas. If you know these two, you know.

Don’t Give Up On Me - Andy Grammer

Start A Riot - Banners

Anyways, that’s all for now! Message me if you want playlist links :)

[cutespacegoblin]

Ahhhhh I love audio dramas but every year I love to go back to my favorites and I really want other people to give them a listen I love the characters (there's queer stuff in each as well), the fantastical and sci fi elements are interesting and work well in their stories and they have some nice anti capitalist stuff in there too. I'm just gonna give a little description for each and please please please give them a shot. They were all made by zoomdoom stories (and written by Jaimie killen) and all are very short for podcasts.

Idk I'm not amazing at collecting and saying my thoughts, but if anyone takes the chances and gives one a listen and enjoys it I'll be super happy.

SPINES: A girl, Wren, wakes up in the middle of a cultish blood ritual with little to no memories alongside someone she knows she loves and several strangers she has vague familiarity towards. Wren breaks out of the ritual as the building catches fire and they lose track of everyone else. She works through the mystery of who she is and what was going on during the ritual, learning the secrets of the group, and how she fits into it.

- I love this one it's fun and the way the story changes in seasons 2 and 3 is a fun turn, alongside the ending which is nothing I expected but enjoyed none the less, it's a bit more anthology than the other 2 with the first season having Wren run into weird supernatural occurrences slowly gaining information but the plot gets going as the episodes on. Tho I love it I'd probably rank it 3rd since conceptually I like Ella McCray and it's characters more and the story of mirrors is so tightly done that I need to place it higher

Mirrors: This story follows 3 women in a family line, separated by generations (in the past, present and far future) all seemingly haunted by the same ghosts... or perhaps these ghosts are trying to tell them something?

- I don't wanna give stuff away for this one, the journey through different times and characters is super well done and the way they go about solving the mystery is amazing. Please just give it a listen this and the other shows are fairly short amd can be completely quickly. This is my number 1 audio drama of all time please give it a listen without spoilers

The six disappearances of Ella's McCray: during her wedding Ella stepped into the forest and suddenly disappeared, with 6 witnesses to this event. The problem? All the witnesses say completely different, colliding memories of what happened, many completely unbelievable, stranger still it seems like all of their visions have left them marked and changed in different ways.

-I love this one, the hook was really cool and every character is voiced and interesting. It also has a trans woman as one of the main characters! (Trans/nonbinary characters have appeared before but this is the first one that is a main character from the very beginning) This might have become my favorite if not for one thing.... it's unfinished. Ever since covid the 3rd and final season has been on "indefinite hiatus." Still it's worth giving this story some love as what is out is still very well done and has some interesting sci fi stuff I haven't seen before.

[rage-mode-138]

TMA spoilers for episode 123 and beyond. If you haven't listened to the podcast, I recommend it, but this is my own therapeutic rant about how @jonnywaistcoat made me feel.

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So. I have listened to the magnus archives three times at this point, and each time episode 123 gets me really hard. Johnathan Sims, the archivist, falls into a coma of six freaking months. While I did not experience six months, I did experience it for 50 days.

When I woke up, I had no idea what had really happened. I was vague on the entire situation, and I woke up in the middle of Covid with the world in its own tiny freaking apocalypse.

The voice acting John has in this scene is brilliant at expressing the feeling. Everything has continued around you. Things have changed the entire situation, has freaking changed, and you have to play catch up!

I missed Easter of 2020, but I didn't realize I had until 2021 because I got confused about what had happened to it the previous year. I had to be freaking reminded that it happened during my coma. While I was recovering my voice, my ability to move everything the world kept going. And you know what.

"There was just this great... gap of time where I wasn't". Where I wasn't appart of the world and God was that a terrifying thing to come to terms with.

There's this chunk of time before the coma, and after the Coma, that's so fuzzy to me, and being in rehabilitation until 2022 made everything seem like it didn't happen for 2 years. Like I wasn't part of the world. It's still hard to wrap my head around from time to time.

It hurts how vivid my dreams were in the coma. I had full on screaming matches with my mother, my bestfriend (ex girlfriend at the time, currently my girlfriend now) died in the dream, the world was coming to an end and I talked to a sweet little old lady who I am sure as heck was the grim reaper. It lasted from when I fell into the coma to when I got out and ironically my brain though I had spend 6 months in that coma, telling me it was the middle of October when it was only May.

I'm going to touch on that last dream because the conversation with Oliver in episode 121 it's Erie to listen to.

In the dream, I believe I was vaguely aware I was in a hospital asleep. I remember my mother fighting tooth and nail to keep me from being transferred, but when the hospital staff said that no more visitors were allowed, she scolded me. She told me I wasn't allowed to die. And I tried my hardest not to.

I had this older lady with a bob of white curly hair on the top of her head, and black scrubs came into my room. I remember her scrubs having fruits on it. Apples, bananas, and grapes. It was such a weird detail. But I remember because I was staring her down for what felt like days. I was exhausted, I wanted it to stop, but every time I would close my eyes, she would move closer. When I opened them again, she would move and sit back down in the chair by the door, smiling politely at me like she wasn't there to take me when I dropped my gaurd. After days of this routine, her standing up, inching closer to me, and me being reluctant to give up. She laughed at me. It was a small laugh, one of a parent who was aware of how fruitless a fight I was putting up before going to sleep. She said to me, "You really are determined"

Her voice was soft and soothing. Telling me it was alright. That I could trust her. I knew it was a lie, and I shook my head. And said I wasn't ready to go. That I didn't want to leave.

"Why?" That's all she said was why. A single word, but it was a lot to me. Why would I fight so hard. I hated my life, I didn't take care of myself, I had tried to leave the world before. So why, this time, was I so stubbornly holding on.

I was crying, and the tears hurt my eyes in the dream, but I told her I wasn't ready to go. That I wanted to try again and that I could make it different this time. She nodded at me and finally walked over without that ommission aura she carried over the rest of the time. She touched my cheek and told me, "Alright. You have this one shot. If I see you back here again, there won't be a next time." I nodded and she left.

I woke up after she talked to me. After I made my promise, my choice... like Johnathan did. She was my aspect of death, and i have a feeling I will be seeing her the next time I get ready to leave this earth.

Brains are funky squishy meat sacks that don't know reality. And I still struggle from time to time to process if this is reality. I have to check in with my friends and my loved ones if any of this is real.

But yeah. So I know how John felt after his coma. I know that desperate feeling to want to be near the one you love who you have been pushing away. And I know how it feels for people to move my freaking stuff while in my coma

Sleeping people don't need pens.

But I digress. That's it for this post. Maybe I'll post one on the other dreams I had during the coma. I have never really written them down because they are personal and a bit embarrassing if I'm going to be honest.

Thank you, jonnywaistcoat, for writing a damn good show. Thank you, @rqbossman , for producing it. I'm so happy I found this strange podcast by accident. I look forward to seeing what happens in The Magnus Protocol.

[jungmeowz]

rinhi's info spill;

hi everyone!!

okay, as some of you guys know me... or not, I use to write for stray kids and nct dream, and other groups on my old account (@renjunvinates) but I closed the account two years ago and stopped writing for some time because I started to become a casual kpop-listener and enjoyer, and was slowly falling out of stray kids and nct dream... (I still love them with my whole heart but it's just not like that anymore... so sorry!!!).

name familiarity: emina, and rennie... I now go by rinhi!

so... now you're wondering how did I end up back here... with a new account, the answer is simple... I somehow, in some way got dragged back into kpop and fell in the enhypen rabbit hole... who do we blame here just maybe my best friend and myself LMFAO. Not recently but a few months ago, I attended the FATE PLUS TOUR concert and that's where it basically went downhill.

RINHI'S ENHYPEN LORE;

So, few years back I was very much into enhypen (i-land days, literally would wake up early to watch the show because I was heavily invested into them) I was there during i-land, watched their pre-debut stuff and was there for their debut! Now this was at the time I became really invested into skz and nct that I had hard time following other groups which caused me to not focus on enhypen too much. I think skip forward too near end of COVID this was where I started to fall out of kpop in general and started to become a casual listener, not really focusing on any groups but still listening to kpop as my main genre, it was also the time scandals were being dropped left and right, and I got fed up with the crazy amount of hate and negativity which is why I dipped. So I wanna say, I kinda dipped out after drunk-dazed/fever released. I occasionally listened to their music but never took the time to fully invest into them. I was also having a huge dilemma who my bias is because they were so young and it made me feel uncomfy (lowkey still does, but like wow I love them like so so so much)

now we're here, so occasionally did listen to their music, but wasn't into them like that, fast forward to where we are now, I attended their fate plus tour, and wow when I tell you that this concert changed me... it heavily changed me, because now I'm like super(?) into kpop and like love love enhypen and I'm now deep in the depths of kpop (specifically enhypen)...

RINHI'S ENHYPEN BIAS LORE;

okay let's just put out there I absolutely adore all of them and I'm ot7 forever and always, but dang if I had to choose we know by my user... its the one and only yang jungwon aha... now how did this happen? TBH I'm going to sound like a psychopath and crazy and I'm sorry, I've just been in denial since i-land LMFAO.

okay so when i-land released, i initially took interest in sunoo, but that's because I thought he was just a cutie patootie, but then I saw his age and I was like oh, idk LMFAO (I was young at that time... but he was younger, so I felt weird). anyways, when I heard jungwon's voice when he sang "Intro to i-land" I kinda was like wow I love his voice so much, and when I saw jungwon I was like wow cutie patootie!! And then I saw his age and I was like oh... I really cant!! (this is where my denial starts). But, when I like saw geonu (now in JUST B) and heard his voice that I was like oh, I like his voice and he's cute and his age was okay, and I felt fine with. So yeah I biased geonu for a bit, but really was in denial about jungwon but told myself I couldn't bc it was kinda weird (age wise) BUT SOMETHING WAS DARN THERE but was trying to avoid it like the plague (I'm sorry won, I love you with my whole god dang heart). okay fast forward into i-land LOL dang geonu is eliminated and I'm in distraught LOL because now I'm like dang who do I bias?? So the final episode comes around and I'm like rooting for all the boys, and when the final line-up gets chosen, I look at my screen and I'm like LOL who do I bias,,, so I'm like ahaha jungwon??? but i'm too freaked out, so then I switch over and I'm like yeah sunoo, but my logic and reasoning is HE'S MY SON THOUGH LIKE I BIAS HIM, BUT IN A SON LOVING WAY (literally still in denial about jungwon and avoiding him like the plague in hope getting over him).

Okay we're fast forwarding to current time; LMFAO so you know when people ask me who my bias is, I would tell them oh it's sunoo but in a son lovingly way LOL and would try move on from the topic, but if there's one person who knew my secret dilemma it was my bestie LMFAO and she would lowkey side-eye me, because she knew LMFAO. Moving onto fate plus tour, at this point I was in denial and I knew I was LMFAO before the concert I said wow I get to see sunoo!!! *causally whispers* and jungwon ahaha... guys I'm a fraud LMFAO I went to this concert and the entire god dang time my eyes was on jungwon, and after that concert it really changed me and who I am, because not only do I simply love jungwon, I simply love enhypen and its all I ever yap about.

okay thank you, for hearing me yap.

[wutheringmights]

Doppelgänger: A Trip Into the Mirror World by Naomi Klein is an interesting read.

I've never really read political books before (it took me a long time to learn how to manage my anxiety well enough to not break down whenever anything happened in the political news cycle), and I'll be the first to admit that it feels like a glaring fault on my part. I should be more well-informed beyond just what I see on social media.

I ended up picking this book because a podcast I listen to, If Books Could Kill, recommended it. Kinda. Their episode on it is only on their patreon, and I only listened to the teaser they have on Spotify. Or, uh, just the first five minutes of the teaser-- long enough to hear that they mostly recommended it. I turned it off and put the book on hold at the library as soon as I could.

Overall, I really like this book. Klein is a great writer, and she has a way of writing about big ideas that make them not only easy to understand but also compelling. I had no trouble reading this book throughout all of the airport time I had last week while on a trip.

The first half of the book is dedicated to sorting through what the fuck happened during COVID. The way she applies concepts like diagonalism and pipikism really helps to add clarity to what happened then, and how the political shifts still bleed into now. My favorite chapter was one on the ways wellness culture intertwines with the far right. (I have a sibling who works as an RD, and I have already told her that she just needs to read that one chapter.)

However, I think her framing device about doppelgangers and Naomi Wolf doesn't quite work. By the last third of the book, Wolf is all but forgotten, and you can feel Klein struggle to fit the full array of Leftist ideology into the frame world of doubles and doppelgangers. There was a point of time where Klein was framing Israel's oppression of Palestinians as a form of "doubles," and it's just... you can just tell that Klein wanted to talk about this but couldn't really fit this into the doppelganger and Mirror World framework. Maybe this chapter will get revised in later editions, especially since this book came out before the attacks and genocide on Gaza. Right now, it's just a clunky way of looking at colonization, especially with what is happening right now.

Speaking of which, some of the terms she came up with were outright silly. I can withstand the Mirror World stuff, but I draw a line at the Shadow Lands. Like, come on Klein. Don't you hear how silly that is?

Overall, Doppelganger works best as a primer for Leftist politics. If you are uninformed, this is a good place to get caught up in the past 5 years of thought. But Klein's framework doesn't always work, and her various chapters don't quite meld with each other. If you are already the most well-informed person on the planet, then you might be bored by this.

But if you just want a starting point, this book is a great introduction.

--

Doppelgänger: A Trip Into the Mirror World by Naomi Klein

Rating: 4/5

[forest-of-stories]

Throwback Thursday, Fandom Edition: Statement of Nevanna, Regarding The Magnus Archives

[Given directly by subject - July 18, 2024. Statement begins.]

In 2019, @flo-nelja, my friend from the Gravity Falls fandom, told me about one of her more recent interests: a horror podcast called The Magnus Archives.  At her suggestion, I listened to a few episodes; I’ve since told people that MAG 009, “A Father’s Love,” and MAG 013, “Alone,” were the ones that convinced me to keep going.  And it shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me that after MAG 092, “Nothing Beside Remains,” I decided to try writing fanfic.

And then I wrote over three dozen more TMA fanfics; as of now, it has my highest fanwork count on AO3.  I’ve convinced several other people to listen as well.  One of my favorite nerdy pastimes is to imagine how other media might fit into the show’s mythology.  I own three pieces of official merch (two T-shirts and a hoodie) as well as some fan-made buttons and charms. Most importantly, the friends that I made in the fandom were among my lifelines during the COVID-19 lockdown, and I still talk to them almost every day.  I have very mixed feelings about Season 5 of TMA, and I haven’t felt ready to listen to the follow-up series, but overall, I’m still so grateful that I found my way into this world.

[Statement ends.]

[dimpledpran]

8 Shows to Get to Know Me

I was tagged by the lovely @talays-portkey and @i-got-the-feels​ !

1. Ghost Whisperer (2005-2010) I think this was the first show that i actually tried to watch as it was airing. I still remember waiting for 10pm every Friday, whether everyone else was awake or not. I think I watched all the way from Season 1-4, until it stopped airing on our local channel. 

2. Glee (2009-2015)  Honestly this was my introduction to the English music scene. I did not grow up listening to English songs, so my initial playlist was basically Disney Channel artists and Glee covers. As a music lover, I just enjoyed listening to their takes of the songs. I think I stopped watching somewhere during Season 3, and only did the Cory tribute episode after that.

3. Teen Wolf (2011-2017)  This was the first show that I started reading fanfics for. Well I started reading before I watched it, but Sterek stole my heart. I was very into the series, to the point that I watched Season 3B in one night because I had to find out what happened. Dumb me thought it was a good idea to start a new season at 8pm at night. I stayed up through the night, and texted my friend at 6am to yell about the whole thing. And they replied that it is too early to be awake to scream about it. “What do you mean wake up and watch it. I haven’t slept yet” So yeah. Stiles is my baby, and I will protect him with my life.

4. The Untamed (2019)  My friend recommended this to a few of us during covid lockdown, and I am very glad she did. It really opened me up to a whole new world. This show had such a grip on me. To the point that I started a new side blog for it, and learnt how to make edits for it. I got to know so many incredible people through the network cos of this show. It was such a brilliant show! The plot is so intricate! It has angst and heartache and amazing costumes and stunning sets and a cast who honestly killed it. Definitely a show that I would recommend to everyone. 

5. Bad Buddy (2021-2022)  Obviously I can’t go without talking about BB here. Have you seen my blog URL? Till BB, I never watched a show as it was airing. I usually wait for it to end and then binge, or start watching it just in time for the finale. But I kept seeing gifs on tumblr and it made me want to check it out. And boy am I glad I did it. It was such a fun experience to watch it live and scream on a weekly basis. For some reason the hold that this show has on me seems to be lifelong? I have no complaints though. I am still enjoying all the BB brainrot. Pran is my baby. I have never related to a character as much as I relate to him. He is so precious to me. And this show just blends angst with humour and a touch of reality so well. I am making it my personal mission to read through every Patpran fic on AO3. This show made me want to try writing. I cannot explain how much this show means to me. A definite must-watch as well!

6. Arivaan (2019-2020)  So my sister told me that this is my kind of show and made me watch it. I started it while she was halfway through, and finished it way before her. It was right up my alley. The whole premise is about trying to identify a serial killer who has been murdering women, and leaves an origami paper crane behind. There is a police officer who manages to find these clues and tries to identify him, but the killer disappears and due to personal issues he end up leaving the force. Years later the killer is back and he somehow gets roped into it again, but his partner is now leading the case, and is finding out things that he doesn’t really want to. And I really enjoyed the way it was taken, and the I am really hoping that there will be a Season 2 for this. 

7. Paava Kadhaigal (2020)  Honestly no show has made me as mad as this has, and that is totally the point. (Although I am totally gonna be ignoring the second episode. That does not exist to me) It is an anthrological series, with 4 3 episodes touching on different hard topics/issues prevalent in society. The way it was taken , the music, THE CAST, EVERYTHING WAS BRILLIANT!! I had to pause it and just scream on twitter to release all the frustration that this brought up. Which means it really did its job well. I have not watched this series  since the first time, but trust me when I say I remember every detail because it has such a lasting impact. Especially the first and the last. I was bawling.  NOTE: This can be very highly triggering, so please do check out the synopsis before you watch it. Or feel free to hit me up with any questions, or just scream about it if you do check it out. 

8. 3 Will Be Free (2019)  Insane plot with amazing characters with so much depth. Loved that each character was so complex. There is no character that is purely good or bad, like it was so real, and you feel for them all equally. This really set a standard that no other show has reached so far. I need another series like this. And of course anyone who put Tay Tawan in funky suits gets a plus from me. Also more female characters need to have guns!!

Honorary Mentions: Mindhunter: This would have been number 8, if it wasnt cancelled!! The casting directors for this deserve all the bonuses for how creepily identical the actors look to the actual serial killers! It was so interesting to try and get into the head of the serial killers and understand why they did what they did. LOVED IT!!! Until We Meet Again: This used to be my favourite BL series until Bad Buddy took over. I loved Fluke’s effortless acting. He is brilliant. And I love the whole concept of reincarnation and finding you soulmate. And this did it so well with the angst and touch of humour and romance. And of course TeamWin stole my heart. 

Theory Of Love: Honestly, wasn’t that much of a fan the first time I watched it. But the redemption arc is so goood, that I felt so much for Khai the second time I watched it. That train station scene just lives in my head. So for rewatch factor, this deserves a honorary mention.

The Good Place, Word Of Honor, We Best Love, Stranger Things, RE:Mind

Tagging: @highwarlockkareena , @eohachu , @markpakin , @fangrui , @fuujiikaze , @gege @seawherethesunsets @gaiamochi (no pressure)

[sirensandnymphs]

First Post!

Ah! how strange it is to come back to a place I frequented in my early twenties.

I know this is a long shot as no one really likes to read blogs anymore. But I'm hoping to find the few of you who still enjoy it. This is as much for me as it is for socializing with others about the same interest. I need a space to dump all my ideas-- my love for cinema, books, vintage and all things kitschy.

I spent all night obsessing over this idea and could not wait to start it. But when I woke up, I realized I had a heap of chores to get done, before sitting down and starting this. I ended up rearranging my furniture around in my bedroom and I'm pretty happy with it for the time being. See, I have this thing; I love to rearrange my furniture around every few months. It makes me feel like I have a whole new place. I most likely learned it from my mother since she is the same way. My husband thinks it's funny and my kids like it.

Music:

What I am currently listening to

I love Marty Robbins ("The boy with the teardrop in his voice"). I guess I should clarify; I love the Gunfighter Ballads album. My favorite song from the album is "They're Hanging Me Tonight" What a song! What a voice! It was during covid when I first discovered his music. I am hanging on to hope that Orville Peck will one day cover this song.

Can you believe this cowboy singer was also a NASCAR driver!? I guess it makes sense-- It's very "American" ha!!

I'll sign off with this photo of the badass Pearl Hart. The Wests' last bandit. This girl cross-dressed as a man to throw off the police. Of course she was later found out and caused quite a stir in the media. You might have heard her famous quote "I shall never submit to be tried under the law that neither I nor my sex had a voice in making." What a statement! Crazy that we are still having this very same conversation when it comes to women's rights. If you want to know more about her you should read Wildcat: The Untold Story of Pearl Hart, the Wild West's Most Notorious Woman Bandit (which is how I heard of her) And also the podcast My Favorite Murder did an episode on her.

[ear-worthy]

CNN’s Best Podcasts: Audie Cornish & Dr. Sanjay Gupta

Yes, I know. Some people read “CNN” in the title and use their inner voice to scream “fake news” or something a bit more intelligible like “liberal-minded news.” I know some of this crowd is locked up in their deep state, “they’re all against us,” “white people are being persecuted” delusions, but for those I can still reach, here goes. CNN has a new corporate overload, David Zaslav of Discovery. He, of the $246 million annual salary, is a Trump supporter. Therefore, CNN has modulated its political coverage and has returned to its more “middle-of-the-road” coverage, if that position is still even possible.

With that being said, I’d like to propose that CNN has some of the best podcasts in the podcasting universe. Or is it a galaxy?

Despite massive cuts in all the media properties owned by Discovery and Zaslav — Bat Girl, Looney Tunes, Westworld, even Elmo from Sesame Street is now homeless! — CNN Audio has persevered. It’s possible Anderson Cooper is selling his old stuff at a Saturday flea market to maintain budget integrity for these podcasts. Nice goin’ A-man.

Anyway, CNN Audio has scored critical and listener-based hits with All There Is with Anderson Cooper, The Assignment with Audie Cornish, CNN 5 Things, CNN One Thing, The Axe Files with David Axelrod, and more. CNN’s limited series, Tug Of War, was war journalism at its best, as the show covered the Russian invasion of Ukraine and ran from March 2022 until mid-June.

Two of the best CNN podcasts are The Assignment with Audie Cornish and Chasing Life with Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

You have to hand it to Audie Cornish. She leaves NPR after a long and distinguished career there and joins CNN to, among other duties, host this podcast, and in her first episode she jumps into the deep end of the pool.

CNN markets her new podcast this way: “Fiery Twitter threads and endless news notifications never capture the full story. Each week on The Assignment, host Audie Cornish pulls listeners out of their digital echo chambers to hear from the people who live the headlines. From the sex work economy to the battle over what’s taught in classrooms, no topic is off the table.”

CNN Audio’s The Assignment with Audie Cornish premiered its first episode in mid-November 2022. In her maiden voyage, Cornish delves into the fiery debates and screaming matches at school board meetings.

Since then, Cornish’s roving eye has settled on topics as diverse as Long COVID, violent race-based traffic stops by the police, why we are not returning to movie theaters, and, most recently, the new state of labor organizers in the form of baristas, grocery workers, and warehouse employees.

The other CNN podcast of note is Chasing Life with Dr. Sanjay Gupta, which premiered its sixth season on February 14.

In the new season, CNN’s Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, brings everyone to the microphone — from members of the Gupta family to content creators and medical professionals — to look for guidance on how to navigate a world surrounded by screens.

Gupta took a constant barrage of virulent criticism from anti-vaxxers, COVID conspiracy theorists, and anti-science advocates during the pandemic. Despite the poisonous nature of some of those attacks, Gupta remained steadfast and reasonable in his commitment to science-based treatments and support for vaccines.

In this new season, Gupta will ask: What is a healthy relationship with technology? Is there a way to be active online, but also protect your privacy? How are families approaching the issue of screentime with their children? Does a cellphone or social media ‘detox’ actually work? Dr. Gupta explores answers to these questions and more as he dives into deep conversations about what science tells us about how our phones are changing our brains.

In the first episode — How to Raise Kids in the Digital Age — Dr. Gupta investigates how technology has advanced at breakneck speed over the past decade, and disrupted our lives — the ways we interact with each other, work, learn, and even grow up. Like many parents, this topic is personal for Dr. Gupta. In that first episode, Dr. Gupta speaks with one of the people he worries about most: his daughter Soleil. Plus, a conversation with Jean Twenge, Professor of Psychology at San Diego State University, about how social media is affecting youth mental health.

“I am so excited to launch this new season of Chasing Life because it’s my most personal one yet,” said Dr. Gupta in an interview as the sixth season was about to launch. “As a dad, I’m always thinking about how to navigate screen time and its impact on my three teenage daughters’ brains. It is one of the most challenging parts of being a parent. It was important to me to bring them into the conversation and go on this magical journey of discovery together.”

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (306): Mon 16th Jan 2023

Used some of my carryover holidays to go home from work three hours early today because tonight I was seeing my first music gig since before this shitty pandemic started: Dropkick Murphys. I’ve seen Murphys before but it was in London in 2017 and I was knackered by the time I got there and now I had a chance to see them perform 45 minutes from my house. I got to the venue at 7 and the ticket taker told me that Murphys would be going on until 9:20 and that if we went in then left we wouldn’t be allowed back in. If I’d known they wouldn’t be going on until after 9 I would have just finished my normal shift instead of using carry over holidays. I wish every gig listed the times that the bands are likely to go on, though is suspect the reason they don’t do this is because if they did most people would avoid turning up until after the support act were advertised to finish and the support act would end up playing to seven people. To kill some time I went and had a coffee then popped over to Five Guys for some food. I ordered the “Veggie Burger” and what I got was some mushrooms and cheese in between a couple of burger buns. Call me old fashioned (and since I shop for clothes mainly at charity shops this would be metaphorically and literally true) but I thing that a veggie BURGER should probably contain a BURGER. I also got a large portion of spicy fries which were really nice but after I finished the burger I was full and didn’t have room for the remaining half a cup of fries. As I walked out of the restaurant here was a homeless guy sat across the road from me and I wandered over and asked him if he wanted the fries since I couldn’t finish them. He lifted his hand to accept them and for some reason I said “They’re a bit spicy, do you mind?”. Why did I say this to him? As if there was a chance this guy living on the streets was going to go “Oh in that case just keep them. I’ll keep rooting around in this bin for some plain fries”. Finally headed to the gig and caught the end of the support act Pennywise who did a great rendition of Blitzkrieg Bop. During the interval I went to the merchandise stand and bought a Dropkick Murphys baseball hat. When I returned to my seat wearing the cap the woman next to me asked: “Have you changed your clothes?”. I didn’t realize a baseball cap could alter one’s appearance so much that someone will literally think that you’ve swapped your entire outfit. Does this lass think that I take two sets of clothes with me to every gig? One for the support act and one for the main act? Anywho Murphys finally took to her stage and kicked fucking arse as only they could. Within seconds there were people moshing and crowd surfing. I remember I first got into this group when I heard I’m Shipping Up To Boston in an episode of The Simpsons and loved the unconventional mixture of punk vocals, fantastical lyrics and Celtic instruments. I was hooked and bought many more of their songs that I still enjoy listening to today. They didn’t play that many of my favourite songs of theirs but I did like a few songs from heir newest album (that has more of a rockabilly sound to it) that I’ll be downloading when I get home. The main event was their most famous song I’m Shipping Up To Boston and I dare say from t he moment everyone in that crowd bought their ticket they had been picturing the moment when they would sing along to the final lyric “I’m Shipping Up To Boston…To Find My Wooden Leg!”. It’s one of those perfect songs that it’s impossible not to sing along with. The pandemic sucked (well not for the virus. If you’re COVID the pandemic kicked ass) and going to see Murphys was the perfect way to hold up the middle finger to the fucker. I’m aware that the pandemic isn’t over yet and the threat of further mutations is a very real one but for the time being it looks like we’re in a position where we can say “Fuck it, whatever happens, happens”. Things seem to be under control for the moment and so I think everyone should treat what we have now as if it’s a little window of opportunity where we can cram in as much fun as possible just in case another fucking pandemic is just around the corner.

[firefly-fez]

I believe in you! 🎉

If it helps, the people who love your writing and cherish it will always enjoy it no matter what you produce.

I think many creators get a little anxious about the nature of creation because they wonder how far away they can stray from what they’ve done before. and have people still like their stuff, and get a bit stuck in the question of ‘what can I make that people will like?’ And when people respond well to most stuff or are a little unpredictable in what they respond to, the creator might feel like maybe people are willing to engage with any content they make just their clout or fame getting them attention and not the quality of the creation.

But I think creation is a process of sharing yourself with other people and people will always find it valuable because you are valuable.

So keep creating in whatever medium brings you the most joy and your audience will await happily whatever you make next. 💜

I mean, don’t be hard on yourself 🥺 You publish a new work of creative writing every Tuesday, you wax poetic with your brother in a lighthearted yet heartfelt podcast every week, gave us a whole collection of beautiful essays — whenever I talk to friends or family about why I like your work I always make a point to say that you are my favourite writer, but I do not say that you are my favourite author, because most of your writing is not books! Most of your beautiful words are not written, but spoken, either in vlogbrothers or one of your podcasts. My favourite line you wrote comes from the TAR (sorry for the redundancy) episode on Humanity’s Temporal Range: “We sailed across oceans to land we could not see and could not have known we would find.” I love that line because to me, it decribes the feeling of growing up. That is admittedly not what the line was about in-context, so forgive me for indulging a personal reading here not supported by the text. The episode itself may not have been about growing up in-context (perhaps as a species…in an abstract sense) but it was very much about growing up in the context wherein I engaged with that line. I listened to that episode of the podcast during COVID lockdowns, when I was only allowed to leave the house for one hour of excercise within a five kilometre radius. There are a few walking trails near me, and I had explored very little of them, only using them to walk to school or to work as I needed. The walking trail itself was behind the high school I used to attend. It was one of those schools that expands all the way from pre-school to the end of high school, and I had attended from fourth grade onwards, for nine years, from childhood to adulthood. The path came right next to the school’s oval, and you could see into the school grounds from the trail, the path where we used to run cross country, and the path would kind of do a lap around the school as it connected to other paths. I knew it well, but I had only walked the one set route to get where I needed to go, and I hadn’t explored the other paths other than the one that took me to school. When lockdown came, I took to walking there daily, and eventually growing bored of the route, I went down the unfamiliar paths, having a vague idea of my general area, but not really knowing where these paths would lead.

That’s what I was doing when I was listening to that episode, diverging away from the stomping ground of my childhood, thinking absentmindedly about how far away I was from the person I used to be when I was a student there, walking down an unfamilar path, without knowing where it would take me.

That’s what I was doing when I heard the line; “We have sailed across oceans toward land we could not see and could not have known we would find.”

It struck me that that’s what I was doing.

Maybe you’d agree, maybe you wouldn’t (you do seem to live a good critique of English grammar); but ���up’ feels like the wrong preposition for the end of your childhood.

I didn’t feel like I was growing up, I felt like I was growing away from the version of myself that I used to be, and that in order to truly step into an adult life I had to fathom some idea of what I was growing into. To me, it felt like in order to have an intrinsic drive propelling me forward in life, I needed to find a way to navigate towards a new life — a life that I could not see and cannot know that I will find.

The line, in the context of the essay, meant something else entirely, of course, and I do not usually like to remove a sentiment from it’s context — but I guess there’s a difference between taking a line in the context of it’s writer vs. the context of it’s reader.

It’s my favourite John Green line ever 💜

I need a new book written by John Green. 

[cosmicoatlatte]

you and me, we’re solid

This imagine is just... a lot, i started writing it after “first responders” aired and planned on having it finished before the next episode. Seeing as that episode aired over two months ago you can imagine how well that went. I even told myself i wouldn’t watch the season finale until after i finished the fic but I caved around the middle of June and watched it. Debated wether to include smut or not after a good setup but decided against it since i wanted to finish the fic and then continued to write like 10 pages more. Finally when i was nearly done i hit a block and couldn’t bring myself to write the ending but oh well, here it is. Enjoy.

8k words of friends to lovers

He told himself that he was a changed man, Buck 3.0, a guy that loved women for more than just their bodies and was looking for a stable long term relationship. His quest for love took him on several dates ranging from bad to batshit crazy but he always stood his ground and didn’t give in to his urges for a quick one night stand with a pretty stranger. At least it was that way until he met you.

It started out completely innocent. While you met on a dating app your profile politely stated that you were just looking for friends in the area since you were new and he respected that. Sure he thought you were absolutely drop dead gorgeous but Buck didn’t want to break the boundaries you had set. Your bio stated some of your interests and he thought you’d be a great match so he didn’t hesitate to swipe right on you even if it was just friendly interest. 

From the moment you two met, originally to go on a hike in the Hollywood hills to take touristy pictures with the sign, something that Buck hadn’t done before even though he had lived in LA for years at this point, you just clicked. Hiking led to rollerblading down boardwalks at the beach led to dancing the night away in karaoke bars. Even with your busy jobs you still managed to meet up regularly, be it to go on an adventure or just chilling in a coffee shop gossiping about life. You loved listening to Buck talk about random little facts he found out during late night google sessions when he couldn’t sleep just as much as he loved hearing you rant about your interest and the latest work drama. You were simply on the same wavelength. 

And then Covid hit. 

The situation was just horrible and the LA area was hit hard. Thankfully your job decided to go remote very early on and you were able to just barricade yourself in your home but so many people weren’t as lucky. While you still talked to Buck almost daily it was hard to find time where the two of you could facetime, not daring to meet up in person until the situation calmed down a bit more. You learned that several of his friends from the firehouse were crashing with him at first so they wouldn’t put their loved ones at risk, something you admired them for almost as much as for their jobs. You felt for Maddie who had to go through the first months of her pregnancy alone as Chimney was staying at Buck’s place but you were glad that they at least had family close. 

Your life had gotten pretty boring over the last few months. It was a constant trot between video calling your work, video calling your therapist, and video calling Buck. You tried new hobbies like making banana bread just like everybody else or making sourdough bread just like everybody else but nothing really stuck. You missed the days when you were out in the sun with Buck, making your way up a mountain or driving down the PCH for a daytrip. 

When it was announced that limited contact between two households was okay again you immediately packed an overnight bag and a bottle of tequila before making your way over to his place. At this point his friends were living at home again and although Chimney’s brother Albert had moved in with Buck to give Maddie and Chimney more room, he seemed to be spending most of the time at his girlfriend’s place in the same building. It’s been months since you were able to see him in person and you couldn’t wait. The elevator ride to his floor seemed to take forever before you finally made your way to his door and a smile made its way onto your face as you rang his doorbell.

You didn’t have to wait long for Buck to open the door. One second you were standing in front of him and the next you were being spun around by him. His strong arms were holding you up as he held you against him and you couldn’t help but melt into him. It had been so long since you were able to hug your best friend. “Hey Buck.”

“What are you doing here?” He said as he lowered you back down. He gave you a long look up and down and you really hoped you hadn’t changed too much during quarantine.

“Some of the regulations were lifted and I just couldn’t stay cooped up any longer so I thought I could come visit my favorite person.”

Buch stepped back to let you into his apartment and you followed, quietly closing the door behind you. A quick once over let you know that Albert was indeed not home at the moment and although you liked the sweet guy you were glad that it was just Buck and you. Even though it had been a while since you were over at his place it wasn’t awkward. You threw yourself at his couch waiting for him to join you. Glancing at the tv you could see he was watching a rerun of a football game.

“Catch!” 

You barely had time to react before a water bottle flew into your lap. Moments later Buck picked up your feet and sat down on the couch before dropping them back into his lap. This position wasn’t unusual for the two of you and you were glad that things were as if no time had passed. “You’re lucky that I have a few days off. What would you have done if I was at the station?” He asks, getting comfortable.

“Well first of all I'm hurt that you don’t think I know your schedule.” You pointed at him accusingly before continuing. ”But there’s also Albert who could have let me in if he was here. Or I could just use one of the spare keys you like to hand out like candy on Halloween.” You told him smugly before taking a sip from the water bottle. It was cold and you smiled knowing he had just gotten it from the fridge for you. 

“You really know my schedule?” 

“Of course Buck” You gently gave his thigh a shove with your foot. “Got it printed out on my fridge and everything. You usually text me when you’re done with your shifts and I just like knowing you're safe so if I don't hear from you I always assume you’re in the hospital. Which was a correct assumption multiple times so far.” You smiled as you were saying those words but they definitely left a bitter taste in your mouth. Buck’s job was dangerous and you knew that but that didn’t stop you from worrying.

“Wow.” One of his hands came to rest on your ankle, slowly running his thumb over the skin, causing a shudder to run through your body. “Now I feel bad for not knowing your schedule.” 

“Bold of you to assume I even have a schedule at this point.” You took another sip of your water before continuing, “I know I probably went a bit overboard but I seriously haven’t left the house in months and it’s just… it’s just nice to have a bit of human contact, you know?”

You could practically see the gears in his head turning as he realised what you just said. “You haven’t had any human contact in months?!” His voice echoed through his loft. 

When you nodded he just stared at you for a second before using your legs to haul you closer to him with that damn firefighter strength. Before you knew it you were basically sitting in his lap, both of his arms wrapped around you. You let yourself enjoy the contact for a moment before speaking up again. “What’s happening?”

“What do you mean what’s happening? You just told me you haven’t had any human contact in months of course we need to make that up.” He paused for a moment. “That’s cool right?”

Hugging him a bit closer you just melted into his touch. It was so nice to have another person near you again. “Yeah Buck. That’s cool.”

You just sat there for a moment, Buck’s arms wrapped around you and background noise coming from the tv before you remembered something. “I brought tequila by the way.”

Buck promptly deposited you back onto the couch with a “fuck yeah” before pulling your bag closer. He rummaged through it for a few seconds before triumphantly pulling out the bottle. “And the good stuff too. You’re really spoiling me tonight aren’t you? A pretty girl, some nice tequila, the game on tv…” He trailed off. 

“Ugh, go get glasses, you charmeur.” You took the bottle out of his hands and opened it up before taking a swig from it. Or at least that was the plan until Buck said “Cute underwear by the way.” and you more or less choked and poured a generous amount of the alcohol down the front of your shirt. 

“The fuck Buckley.” You coughed out. Sure you had just thrown a change of clothes in the bag without much thought and truthfully you didn’t even care all that much that Buck had seen the thong you had packed for the next day, the two of you were extremely comfortable around each other to the point of having gone skinny dipping at a hidden beach you had found during one of your adventures, but that didn’t mean you expected for him to comment on it. Not to mention the fact that your shirt was wet now. Damnit. “Hey can I go grab one of your shirts? Mine’s got tequila on it.” You called out to him once your throat stopped burning.

“Sure you know where they are. Do you want salt and lime too? Chasers?” 

You got up from the couch and made your way up the stairs to his bedroom area. “Whatever you want, Buckaroo.” You bend down to open one of the drawers on his dresser and pull out the first shirt you see. Not bothering to go lock yourself in the bedroom you quickly take off your shirt and put on his. It’s really soft and when you look down you see that it’s a gray shirt with the LAFD logo on the chest. 

By the time you walked back down to his main living area, Buck was already sitting on the couch again with a myriad of things placed all over the coffee table. “Come on.” He pulls you down on the couch close to him before handing you an already poured shot. “We need to toast.” 

Buck had a big goofy smile on his face and you couldn’t help but smile back. “Toast to what?” 

He thought for a moment before raising his glass. “To human contact.” 

“To human contact.” You repeated, clinking your glass against his.

You lost track of time somewhere after the third shot but that didn’t mean the night wasn’t fun. It felt so good to hang out with your friend again and you were already planning things you could do once things were getting better. You were just telling Buck that yes getting new tattoos sounded like a lot of fun and you would totally come and hold his hand but you should do something more exciting when the door opened and Albert came home.

“No i’m telling you it’s just a 150 foot drop you do that all the time and…” You trailed off when you saw Albert walk into the loft. “Albert, hey Albert.” You called the other man over to where you and Buck were spread out on the couch. 

“Hey Albert!” Buck joined in. 

“Tell Buck a giant swing over a canyon is a great idea. Oh, do you… do you want a drink we still have,” you looked over the table taking in the empty bottles before picking one up, “There’s still some tequila i think. Just not the good stuff.”

Albert just looked at the two of you with amusement before stepping closer to the couch and taking the empty bottle from your hands and putting it back on the table.

“It’s really nice to meet you in person but I think it’s bedtime for the two of you.” 

“What? No it’s…” You stood up and immediately stumbled over absolutely nothing and fell back on the couch. 

After giving you a quick once over to make sure you’re okay Buck stood up from the couch and reached out to haul you up as well. “Okay yeah Albert is right. Time for bed. Come on.” He tried herding you up the stairs while also noticeably stumbling, Albert just watching the two of you trying not to fall and hurt yourselves. 

When you reached the top of the stairs after what felt like forever you didn’t hesitate to walk the last few steps before falling face first onto Buck’s bed, Buck following seconds later and falling partly on top of you making you groan.

“Ugh get off me you big goon.” You gave him a mini shove to let him know to roll over which he promptly did.

Leaning up for a moment you could see him with his head burrowed in one of his pillows, half asleep already. 

“Buck, hey.” You tried getting his attention.

“Wha’? Yes, I’m awake.” He mumbled even though his eyes were still closed. “D’you need sweatpants or somethin’?”

“Can i jus-just take my pants off? I don’t want to get up to change.” 

Buck just hummed, reaching out to probably pat your shoulder but he missed completely and just put his hand on your face. Taking this as an affirmation you simply shimmied out of your jeans before moving up the bed until you were properly laying down too. Buck pulled his blanket over the two of you without even opening his eyes and you knew it was only moments until he’d be out like a light.

“Goodnight Buck.”

“Night.” He mumbled back.

When you woke up the next morning it was to a groaning Buck showing his head into the nonexistent space between your head and your pillow. During the night you must have moved around to the point of being closely cuddled up but you didn’t mind at all, it felt nice to have somebody so close again.

“Turn the lights off. It’s way too bright.” He complained, the sound muffled by your hair. 

Unfortunately you made the decision to open your eyes only to regret your decisions moments later when the blinding light took your light headache to a pounding one. “Fuck.” You whispered as to not make it worse. “That’s not the lights, that's the sun.”

He only groaned again before lifting the blanket and simply pulled it up until it was covering your heads, leaving the two of you engulfed in blissful darkness. 

You had no idea how long it took you to untangle yourself and make your ways downstairs but by the time you stumbled down the stairs it was already close to lunchtime. Apparently Albert was nice enough to put out something to drink and some small painkillers which you took without a second thought. He was nowhere to be seen in the apartment so he was probably already gone for the day but you made the mental note to thank him the next time you saw him, hopefully sober that time.

Buck and you got ready for the day in mostly silence. Since it was his day off he didn’t get dressed up and you decided to follow suit, seeing no need to dress up since the only thing you’d be doing today was drive back to your place. 

“That was fun.” He was laying on his unmade bed, thumbing through his phone when you came up the stairs after getting ready in the bathroom. 

“Yeah.” You agreed, laying next to him until you were just staring at the ceiling. “It was nice. You’re a pretty good cuddler.” You teased him.

“Thanks. You should come over more often. Even with Albert around and my friends at work…” He trailed off a bit. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too.”

After that day you became a regular at the Buckley-Han household. Well, one of them. During that time you befriended Albert when he was home and you were waiting for Buck. He was pretty fun but you definitely preferred your Buck over him. It simply felt nice to have other people around and the trot of video calling your work and video calling your therapist became way less annoying now that you didn’t have to video call Buck anymore. You still went back to your place to get things but most of your time was spent lounging around Buck’s loft in his criminally soft shirts waiting for the man to come home from his shifts from the firehouse. 

Things started to change during one of those days. You had been over at the loft for three days at this point, just living your normal life at a different location. Being close to your best friend definitely helped you feel better even if it came with some comments from your parents asking who’s apartment you were in when you called them. One thing you noticed though was how long it had been since you had any...fun. Buck was a good looking guy and sleeping cuddled up with him most nights certainly didn’t help you forget about the fact that it’s been ages since the same situation happened in a less friendly context. Which is how you ended up sprawled over Buck’s couch, swiping through the same dating app you met him on, when he came home. 

“I’m home!” His voice filled the loft and you couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Hey Buck.” You responded, not looking up from your phone. You were too busy trying to decide whether ‘Jake’ was hot enough to be as arrogant as he seemed before coming to the conclusion that no, no he isn’t and swiping him away. You had been sifting through the app hoping on finding somebody, anybody, that seemed nice enough to fuck you but somehow there didn’t seem to be one good man in the entirety of LA. 

Buck wasn’t being quiet as he walked through the loft but it still surprised you when his head pops over your shoulder, looking at your phone.

“Jesus!” The phone drops out your hand, falling against your chest and disappearing halfway down the neckhole of your shirt.

“Just Buck is fine.” He joked. “What are you doing?”

You sighed as you picked up your phone again. Explaining to him that you were lonely in that way could be extremely awkward even though you felt comfortable enough to talk about sex with him before. But telling Buck about your plans could also have positive results. “If I were to go on a date you’d come with me to make sure the guy isn’t a creep, right?” You looked down on your phone again and saw that you accidentally super liked somebody when Buck scared you. Worst of all, the guy was totally not your type. “Damnit.” You swiped the like away and just hoped he wouldn’t match you.

“Yeah sure I can come with you and protect you but why are you looking on a dating site? If you wanted to find a partner you could have just told me. I know tons of great single people and could have played matchmaker.” He was still looking over your shoulder so his voice was close to your ear as he spoke. 

“I’m not exactly looking for a relationship here. It’s just-“, you paused for a moment unsure what to say next, “It’s just been a while, you know?”

When you turned your head to look at Buck you could basically see the cogs in his head turning, trying to comprehend what you just said. 

“Oh.” He said, “Ohhhhhh. Yeah no I totally get it.” Buck stood up before making his way to the other end of the couch and moving your legs around so he could sit down before laying them across his lap again, resting his hand on your shin. “I think the last time I hooked up with somebody was nearly three months ago with Taylor so it’s been a while.” 

Taylor Kelly and you got along just fine even though you rarely interacted. She was very focused on her work as a reporter at the moment, working towards a big promotion, so she usually only met up with Buck when their fields of work overlapped. You on the other hand were working from home at the moment, taking extra precaution to rarely leave your (or Buck’s) home so there hasn’t been any chance for the two to meet in a while. It was nice to hear that Buck was still in contact with her. It was nice to hear he was getting some too. 

“Lucky you.” You said quietly, locking your phone and throwing it on the couch somewhere around your middle. Of course Buck wouldn’t get it, he was a hot firefighter, there was no way he wouldn’t get laid left and right if he wanted to. “I haven’t had sex since… shit i haven’t gotten fucked since before LA.” 

Thinking about it now you realized it had been even longer than you first thought. Time didn’t seem to be real these days but holy shit. You realised the living room area of the loft had gotten completely quiet. Great, now you made it awkward.

You lifted your head to look at Buck, seeing him stare back at you with a look of complete shock on his face. “Don’t be weird about it.”

Buck took a second to gather himself but you were glad that he was just playing it off. “What no, I'm not making it weird.” He looked around for a moment, focusing on the tv for a second before turning back to you. “Do you just want to order take out and watch a movie? Maybe we can go through the app together and try to look for people that don’t suck.” 

That night you were curled up on his bed again. Moonlight was coming in through the window but neither of you were asleep yet. The whole dating app thing was a complete disaster. Few of the people you liked matched with you and even fewer messaged you. And oh boy did they message you. You picked your phone up again from where you had put it beside the bed to charge, turning it around in your hand and contemplating just deleting the app all together just to get rid of the weird things you had read earlier. 

Your thumb accidentally caught on the screen, making the phone light up in the dark and blinding you a bit. You just squinted at the bright light before Buck reached out and guided your hand down until the phone was laying screen down on the bed, letting darkness take over the room again. “Sorry that people on the app were being weird.” Buck whispered.

“Not your fault.” You whispered back. It really wasn’t. The LA dating scene was just...bad.

The bed shifted under his weight as Buck moved around but you soon found yourself fully spooned by your best friend. “It still sucks.” He mumbled into the back of your neck. Something about having him so close just made you feel all soft and protected. His warm form against your back acting like a barrier shielding you from whatever was happening outside in the real world. “I’ll think of something.” He promised you just before his soft breathing luled you to sleep.

-

Something about the conversation wouldn’t leave Buck’s head. Even the next day at work he was still going over the things you had said. He just could comprehend how horrible people on the app had been. Sure he had used it before but your experience was far from his. All he ever got from it were a few mediocre dates and you. Meeting you was one of the best things that ever happened in his life. From the first second the two of you just clicked. It was just like there was an instant connection. He finally had a friend at the same point of life as him. Buck absolutely adored his friends’ families and he loved spending time with them at firehouse events or celebrations but they were also a priority for them and he understood that. Bobby and Hen had their families to worry about, Chim and Maddie were just starting theirs, and as much as he loved Christopher and Eddie he knew that at the end of the day he was just the fun uncle Buck. Sure there was Taylor but ever since she got informed that a big position in the network would be opening up soon she spent even more of her time working towards a promotion. But you… you were just different. Buck knew that if anything happened he would immediately drop everything for you but he also knew that you would do the same for him. Your friendship ran deeper than just availability though. Whenever there was a new restaurant you wanted to check out you would go together. Whenever he was free for a few days you would immediately pack up your bags and take a road trip and explore. Whenever you were in his (and Albert’s) loft you filled the place with warmth and made it feel like home instead of just a place he lived. You were quite possibly the best friend he ever had and you deserved nothing but the best. Which is why he was determined to find you a nice person to fuck, even if he had to scour through the depth of LA’s underground by himself. 

The team was currently restocking the truck after a long but thankfully uneventful shift but Buck’s mind was elsewhere. 

“Hey!” Eddie’s voice snapped him back to reality. “What’s up with you man? You’ve been in your head for the entire shift.”

Buck obviously wouldn’t share your private conversations with his other best friend but part of him still wanted to know if the other man could maybe help. “Just thinking. You wouldn’t happen to know any hot single people?” He internally cringed at his words.

“What, like you?” Eddie quipped back. “Not really, I think Hakim from the other shift…” He continued on but Buck wasn’t listening anymore.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah that could work.

-

You were just cleaning up the kitchen, dinner was in the oven and your wine glass was full, when Buck came home. He was dragging his duffle a bit so you turned around to grab him a glass too. “Hey Buck, how was your day? Albert’s spending the night at his girlfriend’s place again so we have the place to ourselves.” Behind your back you heard Buck hang up his jacket and take off his shoes. “I wasn’t really feeling takeout tonight so I just made some quick roasted chicken and vegetables but it won’t be ready for another ten minutes and woah…” When you turned around, wine glass in hand, Buck was standing inches away from you. 

“We should fuck.” 

“I… what?” You just looked up at him wide-eyed, unsure of what to say. 

“We should have sex. Just think about it. We both haven’t gotten laid in a while, we’re both hot, and we both care about each other so we would make sure it’s good.” He finished his explanation, looking at you with a hopeful expression on his face. 

It sounded weird but… it all made sense. Buck was hot, there was no denying it. And you knew he was more than adept in bed from some of the stories you had shared before. Deep down you knew that if you agreed he would definitely make it worth your time. But he was also your closest friend and you didn’t want to mess that up.

“I… I don’t know. Don’t you think that sleeping together could ruin our friendship? I love you Buck, I really do, and don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“I know it sounds crazy and scary but hey, you and me,” he gestured between the two of you, “we’re solid. Worst case scenario we find out we’re not compatible in bed and go back to being friends. Best case scenario we have some amazing sex. I see no downside here.”

You felt as if your brain stopped working, not able to form a coherent thought. Buck sounded so sure that this would be good. And for as long as you knew him, Buck’s ideas had never turned out bad. Sure some of his ideas were reckless but you always came out laughing with nothing but a few scratches to show for it. While your brain was slowly breaking apart trying to come up with an opinion other parts of you were just screaming fuck it, say yes, have fun. He was looking down at you with his face so open, soft eyes full of want and nervously biting his lip. Okay. Yeah. Fuck it. 

You gave in, reaching out until you could pull his head down, connecting your lips.

It started out as an innocent kiss, barely more than a soft touch of his lips on yours, but neither of you hesitated to deepen it. You were feeling hot all over, craving his touch, wanting nothing but more, more, more. His hands came to your sides, just resting on your hips, not daring to pull you further. Buck was letting you set the pace and you really appreciated it but you also wanted him to use his strength and push you around a little. 

Pulling back you couldn’t help but notice that his eyes were still closed as if to savor the moment. Oh, this was going to be good. Moving away from him didn’t feel great but the oven was still going and the last thing you needed was a kitchen fire, even though you had a hot firefighter close by, so you quickly turned it off before returning to Buck’s arms. This time you didn’t let it start slow. Your lips found each other again only this time there was no question where this would lead. This wasn’t a careful test, this was nothing but pure hunger. His hands returned to your waist but they didn’t stay there long. Soon they were everywhere, pulling you closer, exploring your body. All you could focus on was the heat of his mouth, the heat of his hands, the heat building inside of you. 

Buck crowded you against the kitchen counter, cold stone against the small of your back, and you didn’t hesitate to let him lift you up when his hands landed on your ass. You pulled apart, catching your breath. You could still feel his kiss linger on your lips. Feeling torn between wanting to tug on his hair and pull him into another kiss or wanting to tug on his shirt to signal him to take it off the decision was taken off your hands when Buck started lifting your shirt up instead. You had to thank whatever higher power there is that you decided to wear not only admittedly cute underwear but also a matching set. 

The second your shirt was over your head you pulled Buck back in. If you weren’t careful you could easily get addicted to his touch. You got lost in his lips again until he pulled away and attached himself to your neck instead, although that didn’t last long. He was making his way lower and lower, from your neck down to your chest. If you didn’t stop him you would devour you for dinner right here on the kitchen counter.

“Buck…” You gasped as he bit the swell of your chest, tongue darting out to soothe the sting. “Bed. Now. Come on.”

You thought that maybe he would pull away and let you get off the counter to walk upstairs to get off in a different way but instead he lifted you up and made his way towards the bed with you still in his arms. He swayed a bit and you couldn’t help but let out a yelp when he nearly dropped you at the beginning of the stairs. Buck only laughed against your neck before adjusting his grip and continuing on with his way. Oh this was going to be fun.

Sex with Buck was… nothing if not amazing. The way the two of you fit together was something you hadn’t experienced before. He just knew how to touch you right and make you feel things you’ve never felt before. 

Thankfully your relationship hadn’t changed much since you decided to switch from friends to friends with benefits. The only real difference was that now you had sex. And maybe made out a bit here and there. All your worries were gone and there was nothing left but pure bliss.

-

“Hey Buck, do you… woah.” 

Pulling his shirt the rest of the way down Buck turned around to face his best friend. He was just getting done changing after a shift when Eddie approached him. 

“What happened to your back?” The older man asked, elaborating when Buck just looked at him confused. “Your back looks rough. Did you get hurt on a call?” 

Realisation dawned on him and he quickly reassured his friend. “Oh no, I'm fine Eddie don’t worry. The scratches are from the weekend.” Buck hesitated a moment, unsure if he wanted to spill his sex life to his best friend. “Y/N and me went to this one canyon to explore and we,” he stopped again, whispering the next part, “we kinda had sex in one of the secluded areas and we didn’t notice i scraped my back until after. Doesn’t even hurt.” 

Eddie just looked at him in disbelief. “You and Y/N?”

“Yeah, why?” 

“Didn’t know you two were dating. But at the same time it’s not really a surprise. Hen’s got a betting pool going on when the two of you finally get together. Pretty sure she won it too.” 

Buck closed his locker, putting his bag on the bench before sitting down next to it, leaning down to put his shoes on. It was one thing to have his friends know about his love life, it was a totally different thing having them bet on it. “We’re not together. We just… we’re just sleeping together.” Saying it like that made him feel dirty in a way although he didn’t understand why. It was just facts. The two of you weren’t dating and you we’re just sleeping together. Those things were totally okay and nothing to feel dirty about.

“How long has this been going on?” Eddie’s voice was soft and Buck appreciated it.

“A few weeks. Why?”

“Buck.” Eddie plopped down on the bench next to his best friend. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“What?”

The older man just gave him a long exasperated look. 

“Listen, the thing with Y/N is great. We’re friends. We have sex. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Evan.” This made Buck listen. “The two of you are basically living together, going on dates all the time, and now you’re sleeping together. Do you really expect me to believe that you’re not dating? I know you have a past but the Buck I know wants a relationship and not just a loose fling. I just don’t want you to end up hurt.” 

“Eddie, we’re good. I was the one that suggested it.” He responded, maybe a bit more forceful than he intended, grabbing his bag and leaving the locker room. He turned around, halfway out of the door. “Just… don’t tell the others. Last thing I need is the others trying to pick apart what we’re doing too.”

Later that night Buck was still going over that conversation in his head. What you and him had going on was great, he really didn’t know what Eddie was on about. And it wasn’t like you were only having sex with each other. While you had only been sleeping with each other and not other people as far as he knew, since that was the reason you even started doing this, you had also been friends for months before you took that step and there were more than enough nights like this, where you just curled up together and slept side by side peacefully. Or tried to sleep at least. 

You had fallen asleep a while ago. Maybe even hours. Truthfully, Buck didn’t know how long he was laying awake pondering his best friend’s words. He was switching from staring at the ceiling of his loft and staring at your sleeping form on his chest, back and forth, trying to make sense of everything.

Relationships were complicated. Buck craved the security they brought but so far every single attempt at them had ended in heartbreak. Being with you made him feel secure but it also had a certain lightness. With you he didn’t wait for it to blow up or for the universe to massively screw up what you had going on. 

He liked exploring LA with you, loved doing weird touristy things and trying new restaurants and activities. It felt amazing to come home after a long shift and see you in the loft. You still went back to your place every now and then but you were mostly at his place now. He had roommates before, had the 118 stay over and currently Albert living on his couch but whenever you were around it didn’t feel like you were invading his space. It felt like you belonged there. 

Buck loved holding you and kissing you and fucking you.

He looked down at your sleeping form, head resting on his chest, lightly drooling onto his shirt. You looked so peaceful sleeping in his arms and he knew that deep down he wanted to keep you there for as long as you’d let him. 

But you were just friends.

Trying to change that would only mess things up, wouldn’t it?

-

It was a delicious smell that woke you up in the morning. You were sprawled across the entire width of the bed, face smushed into Buck’s pillow with the blanket pulled over your head to block out the sun. The bed was empty save for you and the heavenly smell of breakfast hung in the air. It took a second for your eyes to adjust to the light before you slowly stood up and made your way downstairs. Buck was flitting around the kitchen, rearranging a big spread of different breakfast foods and… were that flowers? 

“Good morning.” You greeted him, almost causing him to drop a glass he was holding.

“Morning.” Buck responded before putting a few finishing touches on the display. 

He was a great cook but you could tell that he could have never made all of this on his own, partially because the kitchen was almost completely clean. You looked around for Albert but you couldn’t see him anywhere. Despite him being Buck’s actual roommate, as opposed to your basically freeloading ass, you barely ever saw him. He was either working on spending time with his girlfriend. “Where’s Albert?”

“When I got the food I bought extra and sent him over to surprise Victoria with some breakfast. Get the place to ourselves and all that.” He gestured for you to sit down and you did, looking over the table to figure out what to eat first. Buck had thought of everything, sweet and savory, healthy and pure sugar. He really went all out.

“This looks amazing, Buck. I feel a bit underdressed to be honest.” You were still in your sleep clothes, one of his shirts and some soft shorts, while he was fully dressed in a nice shirt and jeans. He also definitely spent some time styling his hair. It made you a little concerned, the breakfast, Buck all dressed up, Albert conveniently out of the loft leaving just the two of you… it was just a random Tuesday morning, why would he put so much effort into this? You were just about to say something when Buck spoke first.

“Eddie knows.” 

“What?”

“I...he saw the marks on my back from that weekend in the canyon and he got concerned so I told him. I’m sorry.” He sounded and looked really apologetic but you didn’t understand why.

“You don’t need to apologize for that Buck. Eddie is your best friend; I thought you told him months ago.” You paused for a moment, taken in his nervous form. “This isn’t something to be ashamed of or to hide.”

You took a sip of juice, Buck carefully waiting for you to put the glass down before he spoke again. “Eddie also thinks we’re dating.”

“Oh.” You didn’t quite know what to say. 

Buck apparently didn’t know either, judging by the way he was just wordlessly staring at his empty plate.

“Oh.” You repeated. “Did you… did you tell him we’re dating?” The thought made you feel weird. Not bad weird per se, just weird. It felt heavy and light at the same time. Goosebumps on your arms and your heart fluttering like crazy. You wanted to know the answer to your question but at the same time you didn’t want him to answer it. Regardless of the answer...would you like it? 

If Buck told Eddie that you were dating that would be… incorrect at least. The thought wasn’t off-putting, he was an attractive, kind man you already loved but you simply weren’t in a relationship. You were just spending all your time together, going on dates, and regularly having sex. Just because you were doing relationship stuff didn’t mean you were in a relationship. You wouldn’t dare hoping for that without him even implying to be interested in a relationship with you.

But the thought of Buck telling his best friend that you weren’t dating left a sour taste in your mouth as well. Something about Buck downplaying this… thing you had going on as “just friends” just didn’t feel right. Just friends didn’t fuck. Just friends didn’t do the things you did.

“I didn’t.” He answered and maybe shattered your heart a little bit. “He saw the scrapes on my back from the rocks and thought I got hurt on a call. So I told him about the canyon trip and how I got the scratches and Eddie…. he started talking about us dating and how the team had already suspected things and had a betting pool going on it and I- I told him we’re not dating and that we’re just…” He trailed off, still staring at the table before looking up at you. “We’re not dating.” It wasn’t a question but it sounded like one.

“We’re not.” You answered.

“But we- we do stuff couples do.” Again, it wasn’t a question but it sounded like one.

“We are.”You answered him again.

“With the- with the dates and the kissing and the- and the sex…” 

You could see him having a hard time finding the right words but you didn’t know what his goal with the conversation was. Did his talk with Eddie make him change his mind? Did he want to go back to just being friends?

“I’m a relationship guy.” 

Oh. There it was. He probably wants to end this thing you had going on to pursue a real relationship with another woman. Maybe a pretty girl he rescued on a call that wanted to thank her savior.

“There was a time when I didn’t care about relationships and love and was just looking for the next hookup. But things changed. I changed. And I like you. I like spending time with you. But I also know that this,” Buck gestured between the two of you, “isn’t working. At least not in the way I thought it could.”

He finished his little speech and just looked at you, waiting for your reaction. His words hurt but you understood where he came from. You liked being with Buck, sharing his time and space and bed but you couldn’t deny the fact that your situation wasn’t ideal.

Still, you needed him to say it. “What are you saying Buck?”

“I think we should date.” He blurted out, immediately looking down at his lap again to avoid your gaze. 

That…. was exactly the opposite of what you had assumed.

“You asshole!” His head snapped back up, looking at you with slight fear in his eyes. “I thought you wanted to break up.”

“Well we can’t really break up if we’re not dating. But I do want to. Date. Not break up.” Buck rambled. 

You had to admit there was something adorable about him nervously rambling while waiting for your answer but you already knew your answer and didn’t want to keep him waiting. “Yes.”

He looked at you wide eyed, a smile slowly spreading across his face. “What?”

“Yes we can date.” This earned you a big beaming Buck smile. “Although I don’t think there’s a lot of things that are gonna change, huh?”

“What? Why?” 

You looked down at the table in front of you, now recognizing it for what it was. Buck had gone out and gotten you a fancy breakfast to ask you to be his girlfriend. He wanted to do something nice for you and you hadn’t even noticed. And maybe that was it. This definitely fell right into relationship territory but it felt so normal to you that you overlooked it. Because relationship things didn’t really differ from Buckandyou things. “We were basically already dating, I think. In a way.”

This made him laugh and you couldn’t help but join. You really loved his laugh. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” He paused for a second, smiling again. “But something is different now.”

“What?”

“I can call you my girlfriend.”

[aspiring-holistic-otaku]

Ramble#11

This month's episode we focus on Naoki Urasawa, a living manga legend, a true goat of the medium and my number 1 favourite mangaka. Ever since I started this podcast, at least one episode on him was inevitable and even if I don't stick the landing I hope this encourages someone to go check out and even support his brilliant pieces of art.

I'll be following the usual format of things read this month and then going over older reads, this time going from least to most favourite. Afterwards in what I'd call a part 2 I'll be doing a bit of off the cuff ranting.

So without further adieu, let's get into it!

Urasawa works read this month:

Asadora! (2018 - present with 37 english translated chapters):

A young girl named Asa has her home town destroyed by a Kaiju that only she saw. For those unfamiliar with the term Kaiju, it's basically the genre of film centered around giant monsters, think Godzilla. Anyways, years later, after training to be a pilot so she can track the monster down as she's its only living witness, she's approached by a certain organization that's been tracking the beast, so she can be trained to defend the country.

Not really a first time read but the first time I checked it out in 2020 there was only like 15/20 chapters out so with there being like twice that now I figured I could put it as new + bite me

Not much to say as again there's not that many chapters but it was my first time seeing a female lead from urasawa and I thought it was cool that the first page of the first chapter set the time frame for this world threatening disaster as 2020, which was when I picked it up and around the time COVID kicked off, even though that chapter itself came out in 2018.

Yawara! (1986 - 1993) 331 chapters total but only 92 in English:

Trained by her 8 time national judo champion grandad to get an Olympic gold, Yawara has been doing judo since she could walk. But as she enters the springtime of her youth, she just wants to be a regular, cute and fashionable girl.

Now I figure some of you may be wondering "What's the problem? Why can't she have both?". Well firstly, you know fiction, there's no story without conflict no matter how ridiculous. But as the mc would put it, judo just isn't cute!

She thinks she'll be unapproachable if she becomes known for grappling and throwing people around which tbh is fair but if you know anything about training to be an athlete, especially an Olympic level athlete, the time dedicated to training is no small thing. In the manga her grandad makes her train every day starting at 6am before she goes to school then after school they train again at 6pm.

Again not the very first time I read it, basically I started like a year ago but only read like 5 chapters then got upset that it wasn't fully translated. Cause I figured if it's been complete since 1993 and in 2022 there's only 92 chapters translated I'd be blue balling myself to hell with what I assumed would be another urasawa great (side note, more reason for learning Japanese so I can be a translator)

And I'm feeling bittersweet in being correct in my thinking because I really really dug it. Very neat aesthetic I've gotta say as urasawa plays up yawara trying to be cute and dressing up and so forth. It was also my first time seeing urasawa not doing mystery, as Yawara is a fun light-hearted slice of life but it still has a great cast of distinctive characters with brilliant dynamics just as I've come to expect from all of urasawa's works.

Master Keaton (1988 - 1994) 144ch:

I'm just gonna go with the final volume's description here as it's pretty spot on

When the wall that separated the East and West falls, the twentieth century comes to an end and brings radical changes to the world. During this turbulent time, Taichi Hiraga Keaton has difficulty finding a job in archaeology even though his long line of cases as an insurance investigator doesn't seem to end. As he navigates through dangerous adventures, Keaton encounters some bittersweet lives…

If you glazed over for a minute there, basically the mc loves archeology, wants to be a professor and have his own dig sites and such but because of skills he picked up in the army, he has much better luck being an investigator.

Great scenery, neat characters but pretty episodic to the point where I'd want to call it an anthology as characters don't really carry forward much. There's a lot of nitty gritty details about wars, factions and etc. around the world in that time period which can be a bit overbearing at times but that's what give the characters and situations the impact they would have gotten if they stuck around longer.

Also gotta say it's pretty educational, not just in the mc basically being macgyver and building self defense weapons out of whatever is on hand kinda way, but it takes a good look at Europe and how fucked it was during that cold war period as it indirectly and directly references many real world events. Maybe it's just my lack of exposure but I haven't seen that much media outside of documentaries really pinpoint Europe and the effects of war there and not on a large high level country scale, I mean like really looking at the lives of civilians and how they lived and died during that time.

Lots of variety, as I said it's very episodic as almost every chapter has a different subject ranging from finding a lost animal to settling spats between holocaust survivors or proving a statue is fake

I also have to mention something I've always appreciated about Urasawa's works that really stood out in Master Keaton for me and that's the diverse and well done racial representation. There's people from everywhere and it doesn't have that feel manga tends to have of like a Japanese person drawing what they think other people look like or something, it just looks like a person drawing other people, feel like I'm wording that weirdly but that's how I'm wording it.

Happy! (1993 - 1999) 254ch:

One day a high school girl, Miyuki Umino that takes care of her 3 younger siblings on her own, is approached by Yakuza who tell her that her older brother ran out on loans amounting to 250mill yen, approx. 1.8M USD) and now she needs to pay up or be sold into prostitution.

While wondering what to do she sees on the news a tennis player earned that amount in winnings so she decides that despite the difficulty she has to try.

Pretty dark premise and I'm telling you she goes through some dark shit but it's a great story, brilliant characters as usual, loveable idiots abound, antagonists that you can really really hate. You don't have to be a fan of tennis at all to appreciate the heartwarming n heart wrenching ups and downs. Teared up at least twice.

This was my favourite Naoki Urasawa work I read for the first time this month, this manga really showed me Urasawa really has THAT range fr.

Older Urasawa reads:

Monster (1994 - 2001) 162 chapters, this was my 3rd read:

A promising young doctor, Kenzo Tenma, ignores his superiors orders to operate on their mayor and instead operates on a young boy called Johan, that came in first, as he firmly believes all lives are equal. The mayor dies and the boy is saved but this leads to unfair treatment by his superiors and being left by his fiance. Soon after, not only does the young boy disappear but his superiors die from poisoning, leaving him, staff and ofc the police baffled.

10 years later during a string of serial killings, a key witness ends up being a patient of Tenma's but is killed for trying to reveal this by Johan, the real killer, now a young man who reappears in front of the doctor. Even more shockingly, he reveals himself as the one who killed Tenma's superiors all those years ago. Because of similarities in the murderers then and now, police pin it all on Tenma so he goes on the run across Europe to find the young man and clear his name.

Undeniably engaging from the jump, the ever building draw being who the fuck is this Johan dude? where'd he come from? why the fuck is he killing all these people? etc. etc.

Great side characters as usual with interactions that I can only call truly genuine whether they were sweet or sour.

There's a lot of nice interplay on the meanings of life and death, the notions of fear and hope, humanity and the inhumane, all weaved into every intricate thread of this story.

Not to be a hater but personally its relative popularity, as in relative to his other works, is a little upsetting. I get that it was his first critically acclaimed banger but he's done so much since then that isn't talked about enough for me. His later stuff not having anime adaptations doesn't help but if you've read and watched enough media adaptations in general you know that tends to mean diddly squat in terms of the quality of the source material . The industry unfortunately runs more and more on fan service every day.

Pluto (2003 - 2009) 65 chapters, read 3x:

The destruction of one of Earth's greatest robots and the murder of a leading figure in international robot rights seem unrelated at first, but both bodies were made into some bizarre collage with the central motif/pattern being a pair of horns placed by their heads, making them obviously related. The confusing thing is that the only thing that could destroy one of Earth's greatest robots is an even stronger robot, but could a robot really be related to the murder a human? Gesicht, a robot detective is put on the case and eventually comes to realize that all of Earth's greatest robots, himself included are being targeted.

As you can expect with any futuristic robot media there's an exploration of the concept of humanity vs the artificial but it's done so tenderly for lack of a better word and I'm not sure how often it's done that way in these noir type beats. Especially from the viewpoint of a robot mc.

I've probably said this for all his works so far but there's brilliant cast, great dialogue, great art that the context pretty much demanded and even though it's based on an arc in Osamu Tezuka's tetsuwan atom, better known as astro boy in the west, the greatest robot on earth arc to be specific, Urasawa really rose to and in my mind completely surpassed the challenge of adapting the work of he who is called the God of manga.

Also like man it's so crazy good for how short it is, please read this.

20th century boys (1999 - 2006) 249 chapters + 16 in the wrapup sequel 21st century boys, I've read both 2x:

The story follows a group of childhood friends, now adults who are trying to patch together their memories in an effort to uncover a conspiracy that seems to be based on games they used to play about saving the world from destruction.

It's pretty difficult to describe the events of the story further but it definitely stands out in my mind as the grandest scale of anything Naoki Urasawa has ever done though I wouldn't put it past him to go further.

As I said the story follows friends trying to patch together memories so the time period goes back and forth quite a bit. It can be pretty jarring trying to follow it strictly by year so I'd recommend just thinking about it in three tone periods, namely; childhood, present day and miscellaneous flashbacks. Separating childhood from miscellaneous flashbacks as their childhood remains within a constant range but as the story moves forward and present day changes so does the range of flashbacks they have.

That should hint a bit at the scale of this whole thing but outside of the breadth, there's a depth of characterization and dynamic that I haven't seen elsewhere.

Side note, if the length is frightening it's the type of read I'd recommend savouring anyways.

Billy Bat (2008 - 2016) 165chapters, this is my 4th time reading this:

A Japanese American mangaka/cartoonist, Kevin Yamagata, suddenly has his workspace taken over by police claiming they're investigating one of his neighbours for being a Soviet spy. In the middle of protesting this, one of the officers sees the comic he's working on, Billy Bat. He says he's seen it before in Japan, basically calling Kevin's work a copy. Kevin takes offence but admits he was stationed in Japan for some time and may have seen it and subconsciously copied it. As one of the lasting lessons his father taught him was that you can't steal people's stuff, he goes to Japan to seek out this potential original creator.

The story unfolds as he meets an artist that tells him the bat is actually something passed down throughout history, throwing him right into the middle of several conspiracies concerning real key incidents throughout modern history.

On top of everything, the bat starts talking to him, urging him to find a supposedly important and immensely powerful scroll.

My favourite piece from urasawa, brilliant in every respect, please please please please read this.

That's it for this first part, if you're still here, thanks for listening, please please read these, urasawa is a goat, a legend a phenomenon.

Just to share some resources before I go into the part 2 bit which may have spoilers irdk yet, there were two YouTube videos I really liked that I highly recommend.

The first was 'The greatest mangaka of all time' by the masked man and second was 'A guide to manga's greatest master' by the omnibus collector.

The first video is about 10 minutes long and uses the quality of Monster, 20th century boys, Pluto and Billy Bat as their rationale for why Naoki Urasawa is the greatest mangaka of all time.

The second is 20 minutes and pretty much covers Naoki's entire career and body of work, giving pretty rad descriptions of all his pieces, inspirations for them and a bunch of other really neat info. Bonus For those of you who are int that sort of thing, they also show the physicals they own off all the manga they talked about. really appreciated that. thank you omnibus collector.

Really appreciated these videos as most animanga fans and discussions focus on monster, sometimes 20th century boys and rarely anything past that unless they're ranking which I'm really not interested in.

There's also a third video I mention in part 2 of the episode I'll link here as well.

Anyways thanks again for listening, stay hydrated and listen in for some rambles if you're also into that kind of thing.