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anonymousicecream · 9 days

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Back to You (Minji x M Reader)

(All characters mentioned are of age :)

"No." A sharp voice produced its sound, making you groan. "Ms Kim..." You start, before THE Ms. Kim Minji, the devil who is your superior, interrupted you. "No means no Mr Lee. We're done." Minji said, making the other employees pack their things up before leaving the room. You also unplugged the projector and packed your belongings before walking to the door. You had a sudden change of heart and decided to close the door, locking it, leaving you and Ms Kim inside the office. Hearing the doors locking, Ms Kim turned her head up and looked at you locking the door. You put your bags on one of the chairs before walking up to her.

"What do you need Mr Lee?" Minji asked coldly. "I'm quitting." You said while sitting down in front of her, making her turn her head away from the computer and stare at you. "I don't have time for games Mr Lee. I have another meeting in 20 minutes." She said, returning her poker face and refocusing her efforts on her laptop, but deep inside her, she was confused, and concerned.

"I've had enough of this Ms Kim. Assigning me into ridiculous hours, making me do projects that YOU won't even have the respect to listen, even if you will reject them. Seriously? I'm disappointed Minji, I seriously am. When I joined your company, Hyein convinced me that you're the bubbly and caring CEO, and that's what I expected. I'm sorry for making myself believe that that's who you are." You said, before standing up. You grabbed your bag and left Ms Kim's office, returning to your cubicle.

You packed your belongings in your cubicle into a box, before making your final parting words with your fellow co-workers. At the end of the day, you then returned home with your belongings, feeling satisfied that you got out of that place being run by YOUR ex-girlfriend.

(Later that night)

"YOU DID WHAT?" Your sister, Hyein, asked you, in a deep tone. "I resigned." "Yeah I know you did that. Just, why?" "I just can't. Having Minji as my supervisor, and her treating me like shit, I can't do it." You said, making Hyein sigh in understanding. "Alright, I'll give her a piece of my mind tomorrow." "Don't Hyein. We all know what happened the last time you did it." You said, warning her. "Hey that was YOUR fault. You should've not spent your days throwing things against the window."

(Timeskip)

"Noona, noona." A boy called a girl who's older than him. "Yes, what do you need?" The girl asked. "Yeppeo-noona!" The boy said, making the girl smile.

The words echo in the mind of Kim Minji ever since you resigned from the company. Minji tried to ignore those words and how much she has changed in those 4 months, but everyone around her definitely know that something has changed her, but no one's brave enough to ask her anything about it.

Minji sighed, before slamming her laptop and walking to one of her tables, grabbing a bottle of vodka, pouring them onto a shot glass. She then drank it, before sitting down on her sofa, doing the same thing repeatedly.

(Timeskip)

12. That's how much shots Minji took in the past 40 minutes, trying to remove the words off her brain. It didn't take long before a tear got off her eyes, causing A LOT of tears to come crying down as she broke down, coming to realization on her past actions, especially towards you.

"Why.... I'm sorry!!!! Please, come back. I miss you Lee Y/n..." Minji cried her heart out.

(In another place, at the same time)

"Why.... I'm sorry!!!! Please, come back. I miss you, Lee Y/n..." You heard the voice of your former lover, your first time, and your former boss, Kim Minji, crying her heart out. You opened your "Find my iPhone" app, trying to find her location. "Oh for fuck sake." You groaned, walking into your sister's room to grab her ID card before leaving your apartment, heading for Minji's office.

It took you 15 minutes and some dangerous driving to get to her office. Luckily, you met no one that knew you and you didn't spent a long time getting to her office, at the top floor. Once you got out of the elevator, you immediately rushed into her office, where you found her crying.

"Minji-ssi." You called her, while walking towards her. Minji turned around and spotted you. "Omo, jagi!" Minji shouted, standing up. However, as she stood up, she stumbled upon a table, making her fall. You managed to catch her before she fall, grabbing her by her shoulders and throwing the two of you onto the couch.

"Minji-ah, careful, you're drunk." You told her, making her put an angry face. "No I'm not!" "Alright fine whatever you say." You said, helping her onto the couch. You grabbed your phone and dialed your sister. "WHAT'S UP MOTHAFUCKAAAAA!!!!!" You heard Hyein scream, making you pull away from your phone. "Hyein why the fuck are you drunk?" "It's fucking friday." She replied, making you groan. "Give Da-In the phone." You instructed. "Hello, oppa?" "Ah Da-In-ssi, can you take Hyein and the car to Kim Corp immediately?" "Ah of course Oppa." Da-In said, turning off the call afterwards.

(Timeskip)

You're now in your car, driving home safely, with the drunk and passed-out Minji sitting next to you, while Da-In cares for Hyein at the back seat.

"Da-In ssi, if you want you can stay at Hyein's room tonight." You told her, making her nod. "Ah oppa, it's okay. I don't want to make a mess." "No, if you're not there, I have to take care of two hungover girls." You said, making the two of you laugh.

(Timeskip)

The next morning, you woke up early. You made hangover soup for the four people in your house including you, even if there are only two people who's going to have one. Your attention was distracted when Hyein and Da-In left their room and went into the dining table. "Omo, gomawo oppa for this wonderful meal!" Hyein said, diving in immediately. Da-In and you followed her soon after, enjoying the meal.

*THUD

You and Da-In were brought back to reality when you heard a thud coming from your room. Hyein on the other hand, looked in confusion, staring at your room. Suddenly, you gulped as the door opened, revealing Minji in the clothes you dressed her up last night.

"YAH WHAT THE FUCK!" You heard Hyein shout, standing up and rushing towards Minji. Minji's eyes opened widely and returned to your room, closing and locking the door. Hyein banged the door repeatedly. "YAH YOU MOTHERFUCKER OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!!!" Hyein banged the door again. Realizing what might actually happen, you rushed up and grabbed Hyein away from the door. "Da-In, take her for a walk!" You instructed, and Da-In immediately did so, guiding Hyein away from the apartment. You waited for a few moments, seeing Hyein's car drove away, leaving you and Minji in your apartment.

*Knock Knock

"Minji-ah, it's me. You can open the door. Hyein's not here anymore." You said, and it didn't take long for Minji to unlock and open the door. "Hungover soup?" You offered, and she nods. You guide her to the dining table, watching and observing as she finishes the soup.

"How uh, how did I end up here?" Minji asked quietly, still trying to process the events that preceed. "Last night, I received a call from you, which was when you were VERY drunk I presume. I decided to pick you up, and my sister as well, and here we are today." You replied while drinking your coffee.

(Timeskip)

"Ah!" You looked up after hearing a squeal. You saw Minji holding her finger and you rushed up, grabbing her fingers gently. You saw her bleeding, and grabbed a napkin, pressing them against the cut. "Hold this." You said, before grabbing your first aid kit. You then put a band-aid around her finger and put her down on the couch, sitting next to her.

"What were you doing?" You ask her. "Well, I appreciate the soup you made, so I thought I'd do the same thing to you." She said, making you smile, and your heart beat even faster. "You uh, you don't need to." You said. You turned around to stare at Minji, and the sight in front of you almost made your jaw drop. You saw Minji blushing, her jacket off, only on her tanktop and shorts.

"I'm sorry." You said. "For what?" Minji asked. "This." You said, as you leaned in to kiss her on the lips. "Mmmhhhh" Minji groaned, before replying to the kiss even more aggressively. You moved to lean her down on the couch, moving your hands onto her midriff, rubbing them through her top. Minji then wrapped her arms around your neck, allowing you to kiss her even deeper. Eventually, the two of you pulled away from lack of air, laying your foreheads against each other.

"Look y/n, I..." "No Minji. We can do this later. For now, I have other agendas in mind." You said smirkingly, making her smile and nod, approving your plan. You wrapped her legs around your hips, before standing up and lifting her up. "AAAAHH!" You carried her to your bedroom, setting her down on the bed before you took your clothes and trainers off, leaving you in your boxers.

"Mmmmm I can't believe I missed out on all this." Minji said smirkingly, seating up to meet you while palming your cock through your boxers, earning a groan from you. "You bastard. You left me, broke my heart and thought you could have your way with me? No chance." You said, pushing her hands off your cock and onto the bed, grabbing her hands and handcuffing them onto the bedposts.

You moved to kissing her on the lips briefly, before moving down her body, kissing her neck, collarbone and midriff, before you removed her shorts and panties, exposing her wet pussy. "Well well, look what we have here...." You said, before lowering your mouth onto her pussy. You start sucking and licking her pussy aggressively, leaving no time for her to breath and enjoy.

"Mmmmh fuckkk you feel so good." She moaned, wrapping her legs around your neck, suffocating you, prompting you to suck her even faster and harder. It didn't take long before she starts leaking, and that's when you stopped sucking on her pussy.

"ARGH WHY THE FUCK DID YOU STOP? WHEN I'M THIS CLOSE!" Minji shouted at you, making you smile. You then tore her top open, before also unhooking her bra, exposing her tits. You leaned in to suck them for a few moments before getting up and removing your boxers. You reached to the bedside drawer and grabbed a box of condoms, wearing them before you align yourself with her pussy. You didn't wait long before pushing into her tight and warm pussy, earning a groan from the two of you.

You waited for a few moments before you start thrusting in and out of her. Your slow and deep thrusts turn into fast and shallow thrusts, allowing you to repeatedly fill her insides after each thrust. "F-fuckkk that's it. You feel so goood." Minji moaned, restraining her hands against the handcuffs, trying to get out of them.

You increased your thrusts, making her moan even louder, before she eventually starts leaking, while her pussy also got tighter. You moved your hands onto her tits while you suck on her neck, leaving hickeys, helping her increase stimulation even further before you hit her g-spot.

"FUCK!!!!" Minji moaned LOUDLY as she came -- HARD -- on your cock. Squirt after squirt of her orgasm came crashing down onto your cock as you fucked her through the orgasm, helping her orgasm become more intense, and even prolonging it. It took you a few more thrusts before you felt her orgasm had stopped, and this time, you actually slowed down before stopping.

"That's what you missed out on." You told her, before pulling out of her, making her whine. "Ah fuck." Minji groaned. You hopped over to uncuff her, and she got up to a sitting position, removing your condom and throwing it away before she put it in her mouth. She wasted no time, licking them aggressively before hollowing her mouth even more, letting you feel her tight mouth, which got you close to another orgasm. You then pulled out of her mouth and stopped her from sucking your cock, earning a whine from her.

"I wanna finish inside you." You said, making her smirk, before she nods. You flipped her onto her stomach, lifting her ass up and spanking it a few times before you enter her tight pussy again. "Mmhhhh" You groaned before hearing Minji say "Make love to me". You start thrusting in and out of her slowly, allowing her to feel your full length and hardness, enjoying it immensely as you two are intertwined in probably the most passionate sex of your lives.

You then turned her around before laying yourself on the bed, Minji still deep inside you, before instructing her to ride you. Minji didn't start off slow, but got aggressive immediately. "Fuck you can't wait can't you?" "No. Not when you'll fill me up." Minji said, increasing her pace even more. Not long after, you started sucking on her tits, while your hands are on her hips, helping her lower herself even more onto your cock before she eventually manages to bottom out.

Suddenly, her pussy tightens and starts leaking again, causing your cock to throb at the sudden tightness. "Don't tell me when you're cumming. I want a surprise." She said, making you smirk. You helped her to bottom out again, but this time, she starts grinding on your cock, with your cock deep inside her, making you closer to your orgasm. "Kiss me" Minji instructed and you found your way onto her lips, kissing them passionately. It took just a few more thrusts before you felt everything changed.

"Mmmmhhhh fuckkk!!" The two of you moaned against each other's mouths as you came, filling her womb up, causing her to have another orgasm, this time cumming on your cock, allowing your cum to mix with hers. "F-fuckk" You groaned, feeling more of your cum filling her up, before it eventually stopped as the two of you came down from your orgasms. You lift her off your cock before going to the bathroom to grab a tissue to clean your cock up. You didn't forget to grab some tissue to help clean her pussy up, before taking the blankets and wrapping them over your head, as you spooned her from behind, leaving gentle kisses on her back and neck as the two of you fell asleep.

(Timeskip)

You were woken up when you felt movements over your hands, and noticed that Minji has shifted, now facing you. "Afternoon princess." "Afternoon my prince." She said, leaning in for a kiss. "So, I'm sorry, I really am. I guess that after we broke up, I tried to really ignore how much it hurt me, and I also did the same when you left the company. But, It just came to realization last night when everything in the company is going wrong, and I realized that you're my main motivation, my main focus and drive, as well as my best advisor, someone who knows me and the company better than anyone." Minji said. "So uh, is this a way of trying to get me back to work?" You said, causing Minji to smack you on the ear. "Ow" You said, before Minji continued. "No. It's a way of giving you a promotion, as my boyfriend and my advisor." She said. "What if I already have someone in that role?" You ask teasingly, making her smack you on the forehead, this time harder. "I'll kill them." She said softly, and that's when you know she's being serious, because she always deliver her threats softly.

"Alright. I'll take your job, not because of your proposition, but because I still love you, and will forever love you." You said, ending your answer with a kiss on her lips, which she replied softly. "So that's it? You two are back together?" The two of you pulled away and cover yourselves under the blanket, hugging each other when you heard Hyein's voice, leaning against the doorway.

"You know exactly if this didn't happen, she would be six feet under right now." You told Hyein, before she walked over. "I know, and before you make her yours forever, let me do this." Hyein then smacked Minji on her face with a pillow, before saying "That's for making me take care of this drunk asshole for 3 months and getting him out of 10 one night stands just for you" and then leaving the two of you with more privacy.

"10? YOU TRIED TO FUCK 10 BITCHES WHEN WE WERE ON A BREAK?" "Ah shit, here we go again."

#kpop #kpop gg #kpop fanfic #kpop smut #male reader #kpop imagines #newjeans smut #newjeans minji #newjeans #kim minji #minji smut #minji #minji x reader #newjeans x reader #newjeans x you #male reader smut #x male reader #smut

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st7rnsangels · 5 months

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— rumours put to rest. chris sturniolo | versus tour

sypnosis. with all the girls flirting and complimenting with y/n’s famous boyfriend, chris sturniolo, she begins to feel self conscious of if she actually deserves this mini-celebrity she caught herself, especially with their relationship being a secret. bf!chris realized this and decided to put the rumours to rest once and for all.

warnings. flangst? self-consciousness, crying / comfort, fem!reader, that’s really all.

a/n. not sure where this inspiration came from but i’m feeling sappy today. also first post!!!!! like and reblog to support your favourite writers<3333

“ the need to be the best before the need to rest .. “

this was it; the versus tour was finally here, and my boyfriend was going on stage in front of hundreds of people.

a lot of girls found him attractive, that i knew was inevitable. but i could never get rid of this sickly feeling.

while he was out there, being admired by all these pre-teen girls, i was sat inside the trailer watching through a live-camera.

i wanted to be out there. i wanted to be the one admiring him.. he is my boyfriend of six months, after all.

and don’t get me wrong — chris is an amazing boyfriend, and i couldn’t have asked for a better soulmate to be paired with, but i was sick of being a secret.

i knew staying secret was the better choice, both for him and for me. i didn’t like the spotlight, and i didn’t want to deal with the rude comments by jealous girls, and he simply wasn’t ready to reveal our relationship yet.

i understood it, all of it.

yet, i couldn’t help but feel horrible about the situation i put myself in.

i watched as the girl brought on stage to be on his team was a little overly touchy, grabbing his arm, talking to him.

it was all in good-heart, i knew that, yet.. i still felt that twinge of my heart at every touch or glance or words spoken between them, telling me that it should be me on that stage making him laugh under his breath.

it hurt. my heart hurt from the guilt and sadness of being remained a secret, and i didn’t like it. at all.

i quickly wiped the tear from my cheek as i tried to remain positive seeing my boyfriend happy, and smiling, but it was hard with the constant flow of tears from my eyes that just didn’t seem to stop.

shit. why am i crying?

a voice is spoken from my phone, “alright, guys, we have to get going, but thank you so much for coming, it was a blast tonight!” nick said in the mic, turning to his brothers to signify it was time to go.

“awwww!” the crowd erupts.

“thank you guys!” matt’s distant voice says to the mic as he grabs his jacket and moves toward the exit.

chris waves goodbye to his parter that was brought onto the stage, giving her a quick smile and waving to the crowd as he followed his brother.

fuck. why did that hurt so bad? it shouldn’t, really.

i shut my phone off, tossing it across the tiny tour bed, and curled into myself. i brushed my tears away, running fingers through my hair.

it was all lighthearted, that’s what i should be thinking.

but the girl he was with was so beautiful. the kind of beautiful that makes your breath stop and your head feel dizzy.

looking at myself in the mirror across from the bed, i sigh.

chris should be with that kind of girl: effortlessly pretty, good smile, bubbly personality.. yet, i was the opposite. he clicked with her, because that was his match — the same loudness, eagerness, excitement and energy, she should be his type of match.

before i can spiral into my thoughts any longer, the door to the tour bus opens.

“oh my god, i’m spent.” nick huffs, placing his wallet and phone on the small table and falling against the couch.

“tell me about it, all day travelling and then a three hour show? i’m exhausted.” matt says, dropping his keys and jacket against the kitchen counter.

realizing they had already made their way to the bus, i quickly wipe my tears.

“hey, y/n.” nick waves, and i peek my head out, flashing the best smile i could.

“hi, nick.” i say back, huffing at the small croack in my voice.

and then, there was chris.

i watch as he walks over to me, smile on his face as he grabs my cheeks and kisses my forehead. “hi, baby.” he says, pulling away to look at my face.

and when his eyes land on my puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, his brows furrow.

“are you.. okay?” he whispers, quickly glancing to nick and matt who shrug their shoulders. he lets go of my face, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

“yeah, um, i’m — i’m fine.” i sniff, wiping my tears, “just missing home.”

his eyes run over my face, almost as if inspecting me.

he leans closer, whispering. “do you wanna go outside? so we can talk.”

i glance toward nick and matt, pretending not to be listening, yet they were horrible at hiding their curiosity.

looking back to chris, i nod. he gives me a smile, lending out his hand which i take. the warmth of his hand seeps into my palm, giving me almost instant comfort he seems to always be able to give me.

he leads me toward the door, making a silent, quick gesture and muttering for matt to move his ass, which he does.

and as soon as that door opens, and i take a step outside, i feel instantly calmed down. i realized now that i had spent basically the last twelve hours inside that trailer.

chris squeezes my hand as we walk down the road, listening to the soft sounds of the forest and buzzing streets of the city ahead of us.

and as we found a place against a wall, he sighs and stops, leaning against it.

“so.. what’s wrong?” he says, letting go of my hand, wiping a small tear that i hadn’t realized ran down my cheek.

“i dunno, i just —.. i think i’m overreacting, it’s nothing to really—“

“baby.” chris cuts my off, resting a hand on my cheek, “it’s just me,” he tucks my hair behind my ear, “talk to me.”

i bite my lip. ponder his words.

“that girl you were partnered with today on stage?” i offer.

“what about her?” he asks.

“it’s just.. i dunno.” i look to my hands, picking at my nails, “she was so beautiful. and funny, and outgoing..”

his brows furrow, “where are you going with this?”

my teeth sink back into my lip, “do you ever.. think about how different our lives are?

“i mean, i’m this college student, becoming a teacher, and you’re a celebrity.” i shrug my shoulders, “do you ever think about being with.. with someone more compatible?”

“wait, just—“

“that girl in there, she was just like you.” i chuckle, before sniffing, “loud, funny, all bubbly and smiley like that..”

“y/n—“

“and i’m just.. some book nerd.”

“Y/N.” chris says, placing two hands on my shoulders. “please, let me talk.

my lips form a tight line, my throat aching from a sob wanting to come from my throat.

“i love you.” he says in a breathy tone, “only you. i don’t care about how different our lives are; you’re the only girl i want.”

“you.. you love me?” i whisper.

a smile forms on his lips as he brushes a thumb across my cheek.

“of course i do, dummy.” he says, pulling me closer by a hand on my back clothed by his hoodie — his favourite hoodie.

“now, can you stop crying so i can kiss you?” he says, licking his lips, “‘been thinking about you the whole show.”

i giggle. “you’re such a loser.”

“only for you, baby.”

#chris sturniolo #sturniolo triplets x reader #sturniolo triplets #chris x reader #chris sturniolo x reader

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drdemonprince · 17 days

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i read in the comments to my last ask about "ordinary unhappiness" the idea of depression as a lack of agency and i feel like that is true? when i feel miserable and in pain, it's not because something is sad but because something is either unachievable or impossible (or at least there is the perception of it). and like i think that's what you were getting at too? this thing that drives you to keep going, this lack of satisfaction. i simply don't have anything i can give into such that i would ever even feel a lack of satisfaction. i've never had anything to give myself into and feel frustrated and perhaps sometimes successful in but instead i just envy the people who do have those things. nothing i've ever done has felt maintained a sense of emotional connectiveness in that way (positive or negative). i guess to wrap this back around to another potential talking point, i'm curious how you find that in your life? is it weird for me that nothing has ever felt worth putting myself whole ass into? idk, i find it envious you've got both writing and gay hypno fetish stuff you're able to just throw yourself into so wholly and utterly

Passion isn't inherent, it can be a choice too. I only look like I care a ton about writing and gay hypno stuff because I have deliberately chosen to pursue those passions, for many years, and cultivated a deep interest in them, anon.

When I was in my early twenties, I felt completely empty. I was a void. If you've read the first chapter of Unmasking Autism, this is the period I'm talking about in that book. I went away to graduate school (because I was good at academics, and I had some illusions about what a career in that field would do for me), but I had absolutely zero zest for the subject of psychology at that point. I had no research ideas. I read psychology books and publications purely out of obligation. I did what was required of me, but nothing additional beyond that, and I spent the rest of my time sitting at home, sometimes literally staring at the wall and crying. I had no friends or hobbies, aside from taking long, long depression walks listening to podcasts in order to fill the silence.

This was when I was at my most depressed, and my most suicidal. Just existing was a pain. I'd sob in bed at night and cry out begging for God to kill me, and I didn't even believe in God. The only thing that distracted me from my pain was a guy I was seeing, who was beautiful and very cruel and inconsistent, and I clung to him through all kinds of lies and abuse because it felt as though my happiness was located inside of him.

I had a friend that I wrote to about how miserable I was, and all the twists and turns that my horrible romance was taking. Her name was Heather. (Unlearning Shame is dedicated to her). She told me hey, you're a really good writer, did you know that? I really enjoy reading your emails, even when you're speaking about the most pitiful anguished shit, you really put it poetically and have a ton of insight. You should write more.

For a while, I ignored her. I didn't care about writing. I just wanted to get my pain out on the page because I had nobody to talk to, and oodles of time to waste. I had nothing otherwise that I felt I HAD to say. I had no PASSION. I did not feel like I was put on this earth to do anything. Other people seemed to have these drives, and I had nothing.

But then one day in a fit of depression I stopped by a bookstore right near my apartment, The Armadillo's Pillow, just to get outside of the house. I happened upon a book I had loved in high school, Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. I took it home. I read it. It transported me for a few hours away from my pain. I went back to the book store and picked up some sci-fi. A John Varley collection, I think. I was also swept away from my suffering, even when the stories had flaws that I noticed. I was interested in the actual craft of storytelling: what worked and what didn't. And there was finally some beauty in my head instead of the usual dreariness and self-hatred and emptiness.

And so. I made the choice to write. I could have taken it or left it at that point. I didn't care about anything. Caring is a muscle that you have to flex. And when you're depressed, it can be very hard. I needed a lot of nudges from the external world and other people, to realize that I had some things I did gravitate toward, even if I didn't realize it.

All that time of course I WAS driven to write. I was churning out 5k word letters to Heather every day practically. I was reading stupid shit online. And when it was put in front of me, and I had no reason to feel guilt about not working hard enough on other things, I reached for books. But I didn't feel passion strongly under the heavy blankets of my depression. Or usually at all, really. I am a quite internally muted person whose emotions are suppressed. But they're there. Speaking to me softly. And to overcome my depression, I had to decide to listen to them instead of ignoring them all of the time, and give them kindling, and then fan them into a flame.

I started blogging regularly while I was in graduate school (right here, hello, you can check my archive dating back to 2011), and finding a reason to live. When I was writing, I felt like the world was interesting, and beautiful. It gave me new things to do. I attended literary readings and book launches all over town. I submitted work to magazines. I bought old copies of magazines and read them. I inhaled books. I listened to fiction podcasts. I joined writing groups. At first, it felt like a slog, like anything else. Doing these things, I was not "happy". But I was interested. I liked learning about the world of publishing, critiquing people's stories in my head, and commisserating with other Tumblr writers about the stuff that got featured on the Prose tag that sucked.

After YEARS of doing this, of choosing to fan my passions, it became a genuine motivation in my life. But even then? I lose track of it sometimes. I get busy, or there's no place comfy to sit and read in my apartment, and I forget that I like writing and reading for months at a time. And then I have to choose it again. It takes effort to care about something, every time.

It's the same way with hypno. I did have a fetish for this stuff all my life long. But it's a passion that people always thought was weird and gross, and that I thought was bad. I didn't tell anyone about it until my late 20's. I felt ashamed masturbating to it or looking up hypno content online. For years I snuffed out that flame of passion until I could barely feel it anymore. It wasn't until I was super depressed AGAIN in my later 20's that I took a bunch of weird off-label anti-depressant drugs under the table and had a weird dreamy headspace overtake me and make me insanely horny that I remembered how much I loved hypno, and because I was in search of an escape from my tormented brain, I sought hypnotists out.

And I had the time of my life. But I also had boring, awkward encounters, bad hook-ups, and had to do a ton of work.

My passions have drawn me out of depression because I needed them to. I had to find them, listen to them, and then give them lots of food. And it's one of the few things that a person does often have agency over, no matter how dispiriting their circumstances. You can make choices about where to put what attention you do have, in what free moments you do have. When you're on the bus or in line at the grocery store and you're thinking about how much you hate yourself, you can try to think about a story you read or a sexual fantasy you had, instead. It's a lot of work. But it's better work than the work of hating yourself, which takes a whole lot of energy and attention itself.

I hope you can find something like this for you. It doesn't really matter what it is. It can be some hobby you've always wanted to try, or something "childish" you've suppressed. Having a passion isn't like being chosen by the universe to care about something. It's not like love at first sight. Nothing fucking works like that in life. It's always work. It's always a choice you have to make, because no one else will give it to you. But there can be hints that you can follow, sometimes.

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star-anise · 9 months

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now, hold still—

I'd kill for some resources on body image in the context of disability, chronic pain, and having grown up with a complicated and intense medical history. I think I've exhausted my local library's offerings. Yes, I'm seeing a counsellor who focuses on this, and he's probably got recs, but I'm pacing my cage and lashing my tail in between sessions.

"Body image" has a particular connotation most of the time, because it comes out of the field that deals with eating disorders. Which is great and I'm glad for the people it works for, but its basic principles and assumptions are for completely different problems than the one I have.

I can't track down who said it first, but in my reading I keep coming across this narrative of, "I saw my body as something to be disciplined and controlled, an object only seen by external eyes. Now I've learned to take joy in what my body can do and experience, and to see it as a site of pleasure."

...Sounds fake, but okay.

My body is a site of pain. It cannot do or bear the experience of many things. I have to exercise a huge amount of discipline and control just to get out of bed every day. I can't imagine my body being a visible object that other people might find pleasing; it's incredibly hard to look up from my continual tooth-and-nail fight getting my body to let me live to imagine what someone who doesn't live with all this shit might see.

When I was a child, I learned to hold myself very still. For a hairdresser, or photographer, or a dentist, or someone who wanted to measure my height, or an injection, or a doctor who wanted a demonstration of how one of my joints looked, or an X-ray, or an IV inserted, or a CAT scan, or to have a cast taken off, or a PET scan, or to have a wound treated, or an MRI, or to have a pin pulled out.

And you know, I got proud of that. I felt like a brave warrior in a fantasy novel. I learned to take deep breaths, and take myself in my mind away from the anxiety and unpleasantness, until I could shut down my reaction to it. So that I didn't flinch or scream or cry. Because there was something wrong with my body, and doctors knew how to fix it.

When I was getting assessed for fibromyalgia, this new doctor told me he was going palpate areas in my back, arms, and knees. I get a lot of massage; I knew what was coming. I slowed my breathing, concentrating on the long outbreath. I took myself away from my reactions and thought continually, obsessively, about letting my body droop, weightless, like the moment when your aching limbs meet a solid surface and fresh cool sheets.

"Hm, I dunno," he said. "A lot of this checks out, but your trigger point exam was totally negative. Most people, when I touch those points, they have a big reaction. Some people even scream and jump off the table."

"Well, no," I think I said. "If I'd done that, it would have hurt way more, for like, hours." And I was polite about it, because you have to be polite to doctors; doctors know how to make you feel better. But what I felt at the time, and still feel today, is a kind of outrage I labelled was unreasonable the moment it was born: You wanted to hurt me, and it's my fault for not letting you?

How do you learn how to ask for things, when you've taught yourself to lie still and cry quietly because the nurse who said they'd be right back is helping someone who suddenly needs the help more? How do you express yourself, when you've spent your whole life gritting your teeth?

The problems I have about my body are not about being attractive or thin. They are, however, about being small. Learning to cry less, scream less, and ask for less. About feeling like my body is a burden to anyone who comes to know it, and like that's a burden I can't ask other people to take on unless I'm staggering under the weight of it.

Right now, what I've got is this:

Remember, you weren’t the one who made you ashamed, but you are the one who can make you proud. Just practice, practice until you get proud, and once you are proud, keep practicing so you won’t forget. You get proud by practicing.

#staranise original #chronic pain lyfe #gore tw

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silent-stories · 2 years

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𝐌𝐄𝐄𝐓 𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐎𝐌

Pairing: Eddie x F!Reader

Summary: Eddie wants to introduce you to his mom, so you go to the graveyard with him.

Warnings: angst, fluff, death of a parent

It was late evening and the sky was starting to darken when you sat down on the ground, in front of the stone with Mrs. Munson's name engraved on it.

"Hi mom, this is Y/N," Eddie said as he crossed his legs and stared at the faded photo of the smiling woman on the tombstone "my girlfriend."

He had been wanting to take you there for some time, he said that since he knew your family he wanted you to get to "know" his too, only if you wanted too, of course.

"I've talked about her so many times before, I do it every time I come here actually, but I've never brought her here before." He added pulling his hands out of his jacket pockets and playing nervously with the rings on his fingers.

He kept talking without ever meeting your gaze as if he was afraid of what he might read in your eyes.

"She's here because she's really important to me and I wanted to introduce her to you too. Uncle Wayne has already said that she likes her a lot, they're basically best friends, sometimes I think she loves him more than me." He said the last part with a slight laugh but from his expression he didn't look amused.

"You two have a lot in common, you know?" He asked before pausing as if he was really waiting for an answer.

In return you only heard the rustling of the leaves of the trees caused by the wind.

"She's as kind as you were. She always lets me copy her homework even though I should probably start doing it myself if I wanna graduate. Sometimes she brings home-cooked food for me and Wayne, she and her mom make really good chocolate cakes, you would have liked them a lot." He explained, his voice low.

"Sometimes we cook together like I used to do with you. But Y/N and I always end up making a mess or fighting with flour. But it's fun, so we keep doing it even if we have to clean the trailer from top to bottom afterwards." A sad smile appeared on Eddie's face, probably remembering his days spent with his mother when she was with him.

"And she's as funny as you, she can make me smile with a simple joke even though my day has been shit and I just want to sleep for three days straight." He added and your heart squeezed in your chest.

"She's caring. That's another thing you both have in common. Once I didn't go to school because I had a fever and she missed an important test to come and check if I was okay. Actually I wasn't very okay, she had to keep my hair back as I threw up. I told her she could go anyway but she stayed with me until Wayne was back, at night. She stayed there all those hours, making me rest my head on her stomach and running her hands through my hair just like you used to do." At this point you just wanted to cry. You never thought that all those simple gestures that were part of your relationship with Eddie could mean so much to him.

You reached out to him and grabbed his hand which had started to shake slightly and definitely not from the temperature. He fliched at first, then hold it as if his life depended on it.

"She's also a good listener, she never judges when I talk about my problems and always listens when I talk about things I'm interested in . She says she likes to hear me talk about what I like, Dungeons & Dragons, the band and music in general, books. Once I even started reading the Hobbit aloud to her, but she fell asleep after half an hour with her head on my chest. I didn't get mad, she was too pretty. And I could never be mad at her, she makes me happy." If he was talking about being happy, then why did his voice sound so broken?

"When I'm with her I feel good, mom. It doesn't matter if I'm at school, in the trailer or on a bench in the woods, when I'm with her I feel at home. And it feels good. It feels great." He added as a tear rolled down his cheek.

"She's one of the best people I know." He breathed as you reached up to him and wiped it away with your thumb, slowly caressing his cheek.

"You would have loved her, mom." He said finally, before wrapping an arm around your waist and pushing you against him, resting his head on your shoulder and sniffling.

"It's okay." You said rubbing your hand on the fabric of the denim jacket covering his back.

"I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too. And I'm so sorry I didn't get to know your mom. If she was even half as amazing as you are, then she really must have been great." You said leaving a kiss on his forehead.

"She was." He murmured as his arms still held you.

Your lips brushed his temple leaving a light kiss there too, then you turned towards the tombstone.

"Mrs. Munson, I promise I will take good care of your boy."

#eddie x reader #eddie munson x reader #eddie x y/n #eddie munson x y/n #stranger things fanfiction #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson angst

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daydreaming-nerd · 5 months

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Young Love and Old Money (Cassian x Female! Reader) Part 9

Young Love and Old Money Masterlist

AN: Okay remember when I said there would be a lot more angst? Well here we are. We have arrived at angst station, everybody off the train. This part is so dramatic I really laid it on thick here. Regardless I hope you enjoy and I will try to get part 10 up ASAP!!!

Summary: She was the most beautiful woman in Prythian, sister to the High Lord of Night, and now she is the soon-to-be wife of Eris Vanserra. Despite her many titles and her aura of unattainability, Cassian can't help but fall deeply in love with the princess of the Night Court. But will it be enough to stop her impending wedding to a man who is sure to destroy her from the inside out?

Warnings: Sexism, super heavy angst, this got really dark, violence, blood, implied rape (but not described), did I mention violence?, (I'm sorry you guys.)

Word Count: 6,333

The next morning I wake up in my own bed and I don’t move for hours.

Thankfully, after about an hour of crying by the Sidra, Azriel found me and took me back to the House of Wind. Apparently Cassian had sent him, which gave me a little bit of hope. That is until I went to his door and found his room empty. According to Azriel he left for Windhaven after returning home to pack a bag. I didn’t need to interrogate further to know that Cassian wouldn’t be back before the wedding.

I spent the entire day before the wedding in bed, staring at the sliver of light on the floor that the curtains let into the darkened room. Everytime I close my eyes I could hear Cassian and I’s laughter, which made me unable to fall asleep. When I wasn’t reminiscing over memories of Cassian I was listening intently to the sounds of the house, hoping I would hear his heavy boots thudding back to his room. I just wanted to see him one last time.

However, those footsteps never came, and I found myself staring at the wall until my body gave up on me, from either exhaustion or hunger and I fell asleep.

Cassian’s pov:

The second I landed in Windhaven I cracked open a bottle of whiskey and downed a glass praying it would allow me to sleep. Of course I was wrong.

The entire night I saw images of y/n holding that little girl in her arms. God I had practically melted right then and there, thinking about what she would look like holding our own children. How adorable they would be with their tiny wings.

My sleepless night had carried over with me the next day, everything and everyone putting me on edge. A young Illyrian had dropped their sword while sparring and I blew up at him. Devlon tried to argue that the females shouldn’t be training and I nearly slammed his head into a wall.

I was aggressively sharpening my swords on the edge of the sparring ring when Azriel found me, my brother simply nodded his head towards the center as if to say “blow off some steam big fella.” I couldn’t turn him down, as he was the only one who could give me a run for my money, and today he sure did.

“You fight like shit and you look like shit too brother,” Azriel barked after beating me again. He tossed his sword to the ground seemingly calling it quits for the day.

“Yeah well my mate is about to marry another male in the next 12 hours so how did you expect to find me?” I gripe at him taking my seat on a weathered rock.

“I suppose I wouldn’t know what to do in your situation either,” he admitted, taking a seat next to me.

“Seems about right for me. Grew up a bastard and lived in the mud till you and Rhys’ sorry asses came along. Lost my mother and never even got to bury her, fought for 500 years, and then became mated to the princess, who is marrying another male.” I scoff, shaking my head at the ridiculousness. “I’ll give the mother one thing, at least she’s consistent.”

Azriel was quiet for a moment, as if taking in what I had said before clapping a hand on my back, “The pain, it will go away Cass. It will take time, but I will be there with you every step of the way.” he assured me, and for a moment I felt a little lighter.

“Get wasted with me tomorrow?” I ask more seriously than I should.

“You know I will,” he said, offering me a slight smile.

I hoped that Rhys had gotten some more whiskey since the last time I raided his cabinet, because I don’t think any amount of drink could make me forget the way she looked at me the first morning we woke up together. The way she would laugh when I kissed her cheeks, the feeling of her delicate hands running soap over my wings. How she would say “you need a bath!” when I would give her a sweaty hug after training. The face she made when I distracted her from one of her romance novels by tickling her feet that rested in my lap.

By the cauldron, I was a dead man.

y/n's pov:

Stepping into the Autumn Court felt like I was walking to my own execution. Instead of Eris being at the end of that aisle there would be a guillotine. I almost wished for that instead. Any comment made by Rhys about how I seemed tired I chalked up to pre-wedding nerves and thankfully he didn’t push after that.

The entire morning had been spent poking and prodding at my skin, my hair and my eyes. If I thought that Nuala and Cerridwen were meticulous I was sorely mistaken. The ladies of the Autumn Court didn’t mess around and if this was my life going forward (which sadly it was), cauldron boil me.

The ladies in wait primped me up until a half an hour before I walked down the aisle. I had to literally commande them out of my suite in order to have a moment alone. I sat staring at myself in the floor length mirror. For what it was worth, I looked beautiful. I half expected the dress that was chosen for me to be awful and gaudy, however it was elegant. The lace along the neckline mimicking the flames associated with Eris’ power. Had I been walking down the aisle to a different groom, I might venture to say that I was excited to be married. However as I stared at myself in my white wedding dress I couldn’t help but feel a tear slide down my face.

A tentative knock reverberated through the room, nearly making me jump out of my skin. I took a deep breath and wiped away a stray tear.

“Come in,” I said with shaky words looking at the double oak doors through the mirror before me.

The door opened slowly, whoever it was looking around the room before entering. A large figure finally popped it’s head in, eyes finding me immediately. I would know that jet black hair anywhere.

Cassian.

I whirled around to meet his gaze as he shut the door, taking slow and tentative steps towards me. His eyes searched my face for any hint of anger or resentment.

“Cass,” I breathed, as if to assure myself he was really there.

“You look beautiful,” he smiled looking me up and down, but I could see the veiled sadness on his face. He was putting on a front, and a bad one at that.

“Thank you,” I say, taking a tentative step towards him. “How did you get in here?”

“They don’t have you that well guarded,” he chuckled, stepping closer till he stood before me. Neither of us reached for one another, unsure of where we both stood. It felt wrong not to instantly wrap my arms around him. “I don’t like where we left things,” he continued.

“Neither do I,”

“I wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I yelled at you that night. I’m sorry about the things I said,” he starts again. His hands reach for mine but pull back as if afraid to touch me. “I wanted to say that I understand now. And that I think you are incredibly brave to be doing this for Velaris. I’ll never be happy that you’re marrying Eris, and I’ll always wish it was me. But I understand now, and I respect the love you have for your people, and the lengths you’re willing to go to to keep them safe. Will you forgive me?”

I feel the stray tear pricking my eye once more, “There was never anything to forgive Cass. I was more upset with myself for giving you false hope. For going along and loving you and acting like things were going to be alright when I couldn’t guarantee it.” I sigh, casting my head down, unable to face him.

I feel his gentle calloused hand tip my chin up to meet his gaze. His eyes, that beautiful hazel, glassed over. Despite it all, despite what I put him through, there is still so much love in them, and I know I’ll never really deserve it.

“Loving you was the greatest gift I’ve ever known, and ever will know,” he smiles as if he’s remembering the short time we did have together. “I’ll be here waiting if you should ever change your mind or in case something ever happens.”

“Cass,” I start to protest but he stops me.

“I’ve loved you for so many years y/n. There can be no one else but you. If I don’t get to have you until we are both old and gray so be it. I’ve waited this long,” he assures me cupping my cheek.

I don’t even have words to reply to his confession. Boundaries be damned. I threw myself around him pulling him as close as possible. His arms tighten around me like he had been waiting for me to make a move. In the embrace there’s an understanding, an unsaid agreement.

I back away to see those hazel eyes once more, my own eyes raking over his body. I notice he’s not dressed in a fine suit jacket, or even his fighting leathers. Instead, he’s donning a loose fitted shirt, something completely unfit for a royal wedding.

“You’re not staying are you?” I ask, pressing a hand to his stubbled cheek that tells me he didn’t shave this morning.

“No, I just had to see you one last time,” he answers, taking my hand from his cheek so he could hold both of them.

The weight of his words shoot right through me, and as I look at him, I let them sink in. I watched as a tear slid down his own cheek, it was the only time I had ever seen the general cry.

“One last time,” I repeated, letting the words consume me.

His eyes glanced down at my lips, a silent plea to taste them again,

“Can I?” he whispered.

“Gods yes,” I sigh.

A hand drifted up cupping my cheek and pulling me into a kiss. The last kiss we might ever share. I poured every ounce of love into it trying to give him something to remember me by, trying to savor every moment of it for when my days ahead were darkest. My chest heaved as if being pulled forward and then…

Snap.

It was as if a piece of me was returned, one I never knew I lost. I pulled back to meet his gaze and by the way he looked at me I could tell he knew, had known. I felt like I was truly seeing him for the first time as that shimmering golden bond glowed between us.

“You’re my-” I started but I jumped at the bang sounding throughout the room.

My eyes met the fiery auburn of Eris’ as he entered the room, at least twenty autumn court soldiers behind him. I didn’t have time to step away as he winnowed to me pulling me away from Cassian.

“You!” he seethed at my general who was already assessing the situation. “I had my suspicions but never the proof and you fell into my trap so easily.” he boasted.

My thoughts scrambled to what Cassian had said earlier…”They don’t have you that well guarded.”

“Restrain the bastard!” Eris ordered his grip on my arm tightening at the command.

“No!” I screamed lurching for Cassian but Eris hauled me back to him.

The soldiers were on him in an instant all of them falling like dominos before The Lord of Bloodshed. Cassian’s eyes blazed with a fury by the likes of which I had never seen before, he wasn’t a general protecting his princess. He was a male protecting his mate.

Eris’ body tensed behind mine as soldier after soldier fell. In an act of desperation I felt him unsheathe the dagger at his thigh, pressing the blade to my throat.

“Oh general,” Eris sang.

It was enough to catch Cassian’s attention for a split second, his eyes widening as he saw the position I was in. A rogue soldier used the small window of time to pull his dagger and stab it through Cassian’s side.

“NO!” I screamed as Cassian hissed, his knees hitting the floor. Immediately the rest of the soldiers were on him, restraining him and binding his wings. His siphons tried to come to light but sputtered out.

“Bloodbane,” Eris smiles, lowering the dagger from my throat. “Stings like a bitch doesn’t it?”

“Eris please, don’t do this. He’s my mate, I didn’t know until now and-”

“I would choose your next words very carefully, pet,” he cuts me off. “Right now your ‘mate’ has been stabbed with a dagger laced in bloodbane, which means that even if your dear brother did know he was here he couldn't communicate with him. As for Rhysand, he now sits in a wedding chapel completely unaware and unarmed with a bloodbane arrow aimed for his fucking throat. And last time I checked the only asset you had was a magic cunt.”

Cassain growled from the other side of the room at Eris’ vulgar words. My eyes flitted to where he was pulling against the restraints.

“However, I consider myself a merciful ruler,” Eris taunted, grabbing my face to meet his stare. “I’ll give you a choice. You either walk down that aisle, be a good little wife, and pop out a couple of heirs as promised, or you call off the wedding and I’ll gut your precious general where he kneels.”

“y/n, no!” Cassian gritted through bared teeth.

I watched my mate struggle to break free, the bloodbane in his system beginning to take over. I looked to Eris who stared at me with hungry eyes. I tried to think of some way out of this, but Eris was right. We had fallen right into this trap, and my hands were tied.

My gaze met Cassian who could read my face like a book, “I’m sorry Cassian, but I once told you that I could never live with myself if something happened to you and I had the power to stop it.” I turn to face Eris and his shit eating grin. “If you promise not to hurt him, or my brother, I will go with you.”

“You will submit to me fully?” Eris asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes,” I nod, my mind flashing back to when Rhys was in the same position.

Eris steps closer to me, tilting my head up in an act of dominance, his mouth too close to mine for comfort. I could hear Cassian’s grunts as he continued to try and break free.

“And you’ll warm my cock whenever I please?” he muses, clearly loving the control he has over me.

“Yes,” I grit.

He smiled triumphantly, releasing my chin as he turned to his guards, “Take him away and lock him in the dungeons.”

“You said-”

“When you walk down that aisle and say ‘I do’ then I shall send him back to the Night Court, Jewel of Prythian. I won’t be taking any chances.” Eris growls in my face before turning to Cassian who had now been brought to his feet. “If I ever see you in my court, or anywhere near my wife again Prince of Bastards, I will make sure that she pays the price.”

“You fucking bastard!” Cassian roars, body nearly limp from the bloodbane as he’s hauled off by the guards.

“Wait, let me say goodbye!” I cry running to him, but I’m yanked back by my arm so roughly it nearly pops out of its socket.

“Your obedience begins now!” Eris grits but I pay him no mind thrashing about in his grasp trying to touch my mate once last time as he disappears behind the oak doors.

“Cassian!” I scream for him, tears waterfalling over my eyes.

“y/n!” he shouts back.

But it’s too late. The doors close with a definite slam and I’m left weeping in Eris’ grasp as I hear the sounds of Cassian struggling down the hall.

Cassian’s pov:

Eris was right, the bloodbane hurt like a bitch. Even an hour later as I sat on the cold, wet floor of the Autumn Court cell, the toxin still made me feel lethargic. As if I had taken the world's strongest sleeping tonic.

The worst part of it all was that I could hear everything. The organ playing signaling that y/n was walking down the aisle and the cheers of the people as they finally said their vows. The worst and loudest of them all were the bells.

They rang with such clarity, and joy. The happy little melody could be heard from everyone in the Autumn Court, announcing that the Eris and y/n were finally wed. The ringing made me double over with grief, their sound a reminder that I was the only male in Prythian who could not protect his mate. A shame greater than being a bastard, and one I would carry with me until the end of my days.

Metal on metal screeched from somewhere in the dungeon as a light poured in. The jingling of keys and stomping of boots stopped at the door to my cell and I didn’t even bother to look up. Nothing mattered anymore anyways.

“Come on ‘Prince of Bastards’, time for you to go back to your own court,” the guard grumbled, like hauling me home was a huge inconvenience to him.

I rose to my feet and stepped languidly out of the door. The restraints on my wrists and wings were removed, the skin on my wrists rubbed raw from the blue stone shackles. I was led up the stairs to where the wards ended and was immediately winnowed to the border of the Autumn and Winter Court. The cold blizzards of winter whipping around us and chilling my wings.

“Prince Eris has asked me to remind you that you are now banished from this court. He also says that should you choose to seek out his wife once more you know what the consequences will be.” the guard relayed.

Before I could even think about punching the asshole square in his jaw he disappeared into thin air, no doubt going back to his post in the basement of the palace.

I was left with nothing but the sound of my own thoughts, and the feelings of my own guilt as I flew home towards the House of Wind where I knew Azriel was waiting. The flight was the longest one I had ever been on, as normally I took this route with y/n in my arms.

I had never been so happy to touch down on solid ground once more. Azriel tentatively walked out onto the balcony, two glasses of whiskey in hand. His shadows told him that something was very wrong.

“What the hell happened?” He asked, an alarm ringing in his voice.

The lump in my throat returns as I remember how it all went down. “The bond snapped for her, and she changed her mind. Eris found us, said he had set the whole thing up. I was stabbed with a bloodbane dagger,” I say, lifting my arm to assess the blood leaking from my side. “He told her that if she didn’t marry him he would gut me and Rhys.”

The next words teeter on my lips as I feel my eyes brimming with tears. It felt like pieces of me were being ripped out as I finally confessed to my failure.

“I couldn’t save her,” I choked out, voice cracking halfway through.

The words being uttered into the world was enough to have my knees crashing to the ground. The impact radiating through my body to the open wound on my side that still hadn’t healed. I was sure that Azriel had said something as I heard the glasses of whiskey clatter to the ground. But the roaring in my ears was so loud, so unbearable, that the only thing that assured me he was still there was the arm he slung around my back as he knelt next to me.

y/n’s pov:

The wedding was uneventful and to be honest the only part of it I remembered was when the priestess said, “If there is anyone present who can show just cause why these two may not be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

The silence that had fallen upon the crowd was so deafening I nearly shuddered. I was stupid to hope that he would come charging in like some fairytale I had read as a child. The smug look on Eris' face as the priestess continued with the nuptials made my blood go cold.

The reception was even worse. I had spent the entire time sipping wine with a bland expression on my face. It seemed as though Eris’ new favorite word was ‘wife’ considering he found a way to use it in every sentence. While most would think it a term of endearment I knew it was just to show his ownership.

“Prince Eris, congratulations on stealing ‘The Jewel’ from us all,” a voice said, cutting across the sea of chatter. I looked up from my lap to find the High Lord of Spring, standing before our table.

“Thank you Tamlin, she is quite the prize,” Eris crooned, placing a kiss to the back of my hand.

“That she is,” Tamlin nodded, his eyes raking me from head to toe. “Almost makes me regret crossing her brother, I would’ve liked to have been in the race for her hand.”

“All in the past now,” Eris smiles, kissing the palm of my hand. “Right wife?”

“Right,” I nod to him before turning to Tamlin. “High Lord, where is the Cursebreaker tonight? I would’ve liked to make my acquaintance.” I ask secretly hoping that my brother might catch a glimpse of his mate tonight.

“Feyre is,” he averts his gaze from mine as if trying to decide what to say. “She is safe at home. Busily planning for the wedding.”

“The wedding?” I inquired further, wondering if Rhys knew.

“Yes we are to be wed soon,” Tamlin beamed with pride. “I’m sure we will see you both present?”

“Of course Tamlin, of course,” Eris assured the High Lord of Spring.

Surely if Feyre was getting married to Tamlin my brother knew. I hoped I would get the chance to tell him. The last thing our court, well I suppose his court now, needed was another separation of mates.

The rest of the night passed on quite slowly. At one point I was able to feel the bond between Cassian and I. It was faint, but it was there, and I almost swore that I felt him tug on it at one point. It wasn’t until people started making their excuses to go home that Eris finally said the words I had been dreading.

“Shall we go to bed, wife?” he mused his lips brushing the shell of my ear.

“After I say goodbye to my brother,” I nod standing up to find Rhys, wherever he was.

“You’ll see your brother soon enough, my pet. For now let us retire to our chambers,” he growled, grasping my arm and winnowing away to what I assumed was his room.

He watched intently from behind me as I took in my surroundings.

The bed was large, draped in furs and crisp white sheets. Wood paneling surrounded the four walls, giving the place an ornate look. The fireplace was a glow, casting a warm light upon the room. If it had been anyone else’s room it would’ve been cozy, maybe even romantic.

The air filled with tension as I waited for Eris to do something, or say something, as I refused to turn and meet his gaze. The only sound heard was the crackling of the fire.

“I’ve waited for this moment for quite a long time,” Eris mused from where I knew he was leaning against the door.

“You’ve made that abundantly clear throughout our courtship,” I say straight, unable to meet his predatory stare.

“How should I have acted when you are so tempting? So innocent, so pure, and now so completely mine,” he purred and I could hear his feet shuffle as he pushed off the wall. “And now that you’ve promised me your submission? Well,” he chuckled. “I’m going to have a great deal of fun with you.”

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I knew what was coming and I knew he wouldn’t be gentle and loving like Cassian. I knew that once again my hands were tied.

“Tell me you belong to me,” Eris uttered, taking a step closer to where I stood rigid.

I sucked down the lump in my throat, “I belong to you,” I whispered.

“Tell me you want me to touch you,” he went on, taking another step forward, his presence looming.

“I-I want you to touch me,” I repeated back, a tear slipping down my cheek.

Eris hummed in approval behind me. He took one, two more steps until I felt his warmth at my back. Finger tips danced up and down the backs of my arms causing my breath to lurch in fear. His breath was hot on my neck as his presence sucked out every bit of air from the room.

“Tell me you love me,” he purred.

My heart stopped cold. There were many things I would have to do or say to please Eris in the millennium that I would be tied to him. But these three words? He would never hear them from my lips. Maybe towards our children, but never to him.

“You know it wouldn't be true,” I whisper, feeling the tension radiating from his body.

His hands grip my hips like a brand, ripping my body around until I am face to face with his seething eyes.

“Then I will make it fucking true!” he growls hauling my mouth to his.

Eris had kissed me a thousand times before, not one of those times did I ever enjoy the experience. But this time? This had to be the worst. All of it felt so wrong. Knowing I had a mate. Knowing he was somewhere in this world right now. It made me sick. It was rough, all teeth and tongues. He didn’t want to kiss me, he wanted to devour me.

“Say it!” Eris demanded, breaking apart our so-called kiss.

“I will love your hounds and your mother, I may love your brothers and one day our children, but I will never love you, Eris Vanserra,” I seethed, unable to take much more.

I expected him to growl, or curse or hit me. I expected a thorough lashing for what I had said, but he didn’t even so much as flinch. What scared me more? His mouth curled up in a smirk.

“You forget that you are also a Vanserra now and speaking of heirs, I think it’s time I put one in you right now,” he mused and my stomach bottomed out. “What do you say ‘Jewel of Prythian’ think I can get you knocked up on the first try?” he smiled, backing me to his bed.

There were no words for the terror I felt. No handbook to prepare me for what came next. All I could do was shut down every emotion I had and do my best to become a ghost. A shell of myself.

No matter how hard I tried, it didn’t subdue the pain.

Azriel’s pov:

I thought that getting Cass drunk might help distract him from the feelings floating down the bond tonight, but boy was I fucking wrong.

I had seen my brother lose soldiers and whole infantries. Had seen him lose his first love, the valkyrie, Tanwyn. I was there the day Rhys and y/n went under the mountain and we thought we lost them for good.

None of that compared to the screams of agony that emanated from the male before me.

“He’s fucking hurting her!” Cassian bemoaned, gripping the nearly empty bottle of whiskey.

It didn’t take much to figure out that he could feel everything y/n was feeling through the bond. And at this late hour? It wasn’t hard to guess what Eris was doing to her, and Cassian had to feel every moment of it down the bond.

“Shh calm down Cass you have to try and block her out,” I pleaded with him, gripping his hand in mine.

His eyes were glassed over, his hair tangled from him nearly ripping it out at the roots. He had been like this for well over an hour now, and I almost wished the whiskey would do its job and make him fall asleep simply so he would be unconscious.

“I can’t Az I’ve tried,” he yells at me, nearly slumping to the side from where he sat on the floor leaning against the wall.

Earlier Rhys had spoken into my mind and asked if everything was alright. I had lied of course, telling him everything was fine, not wanting to insert myself in my brother and the princess’ business. Now I wished I had told him to come if only for him to break into Cass’ head and make him sleep. Watching him feel everything his mate was feeling while she was being… well there weren’t words for it.

“Breathe Cass, breathe,” I soothed, trying to get him to catch his breath long enough to breathe in and out fully.

“I-I can’t,” he cried. “My mate.”

His voice resonated with hopelessness and brokenness, reminiscent of the tragedies depicted in literature. This situation felt nothing short of hellish. For centuries, I longed for a mate—a bond that every fae yearned for. But witnessing how it tormented Rhysand, and observing its impact on Cassian, made me question if I truly desired a mate. In my 500 years of life, I had never seen a male stripped down to his core as profoundly as this.

y/n’s pov:

The next morning I woke up late in the day, the atrocities of last night lasting well into the early hours of the morning. It took me a moment to get my bearings. I wasn’t in the House of Wind, I was in Eris’ room. It wasn’t Cassian’s arms around me in a possessive grasp, it was Eris’.

I slowed my heartrate down enough to assess the room around me. Behind me, Eris was fast asleep, which meant I had a few moments to collect myself before he woke. I looked around the room for a second space and found a door ajar that appeared to lead to a bathroom. I saw my opportunity and took it, carefully wiggling out of Eris’ grasp.

My body ached all over, especially between my legs, but I pushed through until I stood from the bed. I tiptoed over to the bathroom, shutting the door as quietly as possible. Thankfully there were two robes hung on the door. The one for Eris made up of thick cotton, and the one for me made of a cream colored silk.

I reached for the silk robe and slipped it over my bare body, noting every large bruise and handprint that littered my skin. A problem for a later time, I told myself.

I must’ve spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom collecting myself. Constantly repeating my new found mantra.

I will not cry.

I spent so long taking deep breaths that I thought I was prepared for whatever came next. But the second I opened the door and saw Eris standing, staring down at the white sheets of the bed expectantly I knew I was sorely mistaken.

“You didn’t bleed,” Eris stated, tossing the bedsheets aside, stalking towards me.

“What do you mean?” I replied feigning innocence like I didn’t know what he meant.

My heart began to beat out of my chest as Eris stalked closer and closer to me. How could I have been so stupid? To overlook the one thing that meant the most to him in this entire facade.

“Virgins are supposed to bleed the first time they are taken by a male, yet you didn’t,” he growled, stepping into my bubble as my back hit the wall. Never in my life had I felt so small. “Which means you weren’t pure when you married me, or when you came to my bed.”

Every nerve in my body froze over as I watched him put together the pieces. There was no telling what happened next, and the only thing I could do was beg for mercy from whatever plans Eris had for a soiled female.

“Eris I-”

“Did you let that Illyrian bastard deflower you?” he gritted out, a rough hand came to grip my throat, slamming my head against the wall.

Tears pricked my eyes. Even if I had wanted to answer, the hand on my neck wouldn’t allow me. I could only shake in terror and anticipation of what would become of me.

“You useless, pathetic fucking whore.” he gritted, hand squeezing tighter with every insult. “Our marriage is now null and void by the traditions of my court, which means you no longer have the protection of being called my wife.”

His hand releases my throat and I have mere seconds to suck down a breath before a harsh slap falls across my cheek, knocking the air from my lungs once again. The next thing I know I’m kneeling on the floor, clutching my face. Eris reaches out a hand to yank me up by my hair.

“Let me show you what we do to ran through sluts in my court,” Eris spits in my face.

His hand doesn’t relinquish its grip from my hair. Instead it begins to drag me out of the room and down the hall. My scalp is burning from the tug on my hair. He takes a back corridor reserved for servants and my bare knees bump, slice and break on the rough stone stairs leading down to wherever he’s taking me.

My hands try to find purchase on the walls around me so that I can ground myself and fight back but it’s impossible.

“ERIS PLEASE!” I scream, but my pleas fall on deaf ears.

We reach a basement room that drops in temperature and he finally releases me. I try to catch my breath as I watch him scribble something on a piece of paper, picking up a hammer and nail. I instantly go to cower in a corner as he walks towards me. The autumn prince pulls me out of my fetal position by my ankles pinning me to the ground beneath his weight.

“In case I did get you pregnant on the first try,” he seethes before I feel a sharp pain to my lower abdomen.

I don’t look down, I can’t look down. Afraid of what I might see there when I do. My eyes roll to the back of my head as Eris grasps my arm and a cloud of darkness washes over us.

When the shadow withdraws my bare skin is whipped and flayed by blistering cold winds. The ground beneath me is soft, but ice cold. I open my eyes long enough to see white as far as the eye can see.

The Winter Court.

“And just in case you get any ideas about utilizing that so-called mating bond,” Eris speaks again before another sharp sting plunges into my side.

White hot pain spreads from the intrusion and spreads like acid moving through my veins. I feel like the blood beneath my skin is on fire, and I almost wish it was in order to combat the blizzard around me. Only one thing could disable me like this, bloodbane. The very same used on Cassian.

“You’ve brought this upon yourself, ‘Jewel of Prythian’. I hope that bastard general was worth your life and your court. Because when Hybern comes to call it won’t be Autumn Court armies that come to your aid.” Eris says, the disgust in his voice evident.

I can’t speak, can’t even think about anything but the agony I feel. The throb from my lower abdomen and from my side. The bite of the wind and snow on my bare skin. I can barely register the cloud of darkness as Eris winnows himself away, leaving me with nothing but a silk robe for warmth.

I reached down with a cold hand to rip the dagger from my side. I hoped if I could stop the bloodbane from spreading that I might be able to use the bond to call Cassian. The second I discard the dagger blood stains the white snow surrounding me, and I realize my mistake. My hand grasps at the open wound, attempting to apply pressure. As I sat there, bleeding and freezing to death I thought of one thing.

It was all for nothing.

All the pain, all the suffering. Hurting Cassian, hurting myself. It had all been for nothing. I was dying and alone, fingers and toes already losing feeling and I still had no army for my people. Cassian nowhere in sight to save my body and my soul. And I would die here knowing that it was all for nothing.

Because time was of the essence, and no one was coming.

Part 10

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yespleasetommyshelby · 8 months

Text

After he cheats - Modern!Tommy Shelby x reader

Look at me bashing two out in two days 😉

Part 2 of Before he cheats!🫣

-----

Tommy sighed as Arthur's car pulled up out front of the garage, a place his cars spent way too much time on account of all the bullet holes and busted windows he managed to acquire on a weekly basis. He couldn't help but let his head fall back onto the headrest as his eyes landed on his beat up Land Rover sitting on the forecourt, after y/n's little show 2 days ago he'd had Johnny dogs pick it up and bring it over, he's almost forgotten about the thick jagged cut that now ran the length of the car, until now.

"Troubles with that Sabini again, lad?" Head mechanic David laughed as Tommy stepped out into the open, his childhood friend always taking pleasure out of seeing Tommy's latest car disaster, and the payments that came with it of course.

"What is it they say?" Arthur called as he walked around the car to join the pair, smirking as his eyes caught the smash in the windscreen. "Hell have no fury like a woman scorned." He couldn't help but laugh, holding his side as he smacked Tommy in the shoulder making the younger brother huff.

"Very funny Arthur." He nodded, a small, almost unnoticeable smirk appearing on his face at the thought of just how pissed off you had looked that afternoon, but he'd fix it, you two always did.

"Damn, that girl of yours has got a temper aye." David whistled as he pulled open the passenger door and laid eyes on the messily carved name across the seat. "Remind me to never get on the wrong side of her." He mumbled as he slammed the door.

"Look can you fix it or not?" He put it bluntly, he had things to do if he was ever going to fix this situation, and he believed it would take a whole load of fixing.

"Who are you asking exactly? You know I can fix this baby back up, but it'll take a while, and it ain't gunna be cheap." David smiled, knowing that while he never overcharged the Shelby brothers, being technically in their employment, he always knew that with a Shelby fix came a big bonus.

"Just get it done." He nodded pointing at David. "Sooner the better David." He called as he walked back towards the car with Arthur in tow.

"Where to now Tom?" Arthur asked as they climbed into his car, having one last laugh at the state of Tommy's car.

"It's been 2 days Arthur, 2 days and still nothing." Tommy muttered, pulling his phone out and checking to no avail. So that's what it feels like, he thought to himself in regret, never meaning for any of this to go the way that it did.

"Take me to her Arthur."

-----

"Bollox!"

"He's lying to you!"

"Don't say I didn't fucking warn you!"

"See! What did I say? Dickheads, the lot of you!" I I huffed to the Netflix couple before slamming my laptop screen shut. "Even on TV the men are knobheads, honestly." I muttered to myself as I picked up the last tub of ice cream that was sitting besides my bed, the place I'd been for the last 2 days since I walked away from the Shelby family.

Flopping backwards into the bed I groaned as I dropped the empty tub onto the floor, my dreams of more ice cream demolished at the realisation. "Seriously y/n, laid in bed shouting at Netflix and crying over the ice cream being all gone, how stereotypical can you get." I huffing to myself as I pulled myself up to once again silence the vibrating of my phone. Over 99+ missed calls and messages, mainly from Tommy, Polly and Ada a few from Esme, John and Arthur, and that's not including the facebooks, instagrams and snapchats that I'd recieved over the last 48 hours.

A loud pounding on the door shook me to my core as my phone flew from my hand landing on the opposite side of the room, the vibrations continuing to slide it around on the wooden floor. "Shit, shit, shit." I whispered as I rested my hand on my chest, he wouldn't call the police would he? "Obviously he wouldn't idiot, local gangster, duh." I whispered once again, smacking myself on the forehead gently. "Gracie, oh I swear to god if I get arrested because of her I will kill her, and that is a promise - Oh fuck, I'm coming!" My Grace rant was interrupted by another loud set of banging on the front door.

Taking a deep breath I swung the door open prepared to be facing the boys in blue only to sigh in relief, kind of, to be met with a pair ice blue eyes and an old school cap.

"Fucking Jesus, honestly could you knock any more like a copper?" I breathed out, my heart racing from the panic. "This is why I need a ring doorbell." I sighed stepping back into the flat and leaving the door open for him to follow, knowing that if I closed the door I would probably have to buy a new one after he kicks it in.

"So you can see if it's the police?" Tommy asked as he closed the door behind himself, making himself comfortable at the kitchen table as I busied myself boiling the kettle.

"No, so I can see if it's you and then I'Il know not to answer." I muttered, flicking the kettle off. "I'm gunna need something stronger." Reaching for the whisky and glasses I filled 2 before sliding one across the table to him. "So what do you want?" I asked, leaning against the side on the opposite side of the kitchen, knowing distance is best in these situations.

"I think it's probably time I explained." He muttered, reaching into his pocket he pulled out his pack of cigarettes lighting one for himself before sliding them over to me.

"You don't say." I said sarcastically, taking two of his cigarettes and tucking one away behind my ear for later. "Go on then." I waved him on before lighting my own, revelling in the small smirk that took over his face.

"A few weeks ago now, some Irish inspector showed up at the shop spouting some bullshit about knowing about the races and all that shit." He nodded to himself, tilting his head back as he let out a breath of smoke, the vein popping in his neck as he did so. "Now, as much as we've had issues with the coppers in the past he knew too much, and he knew things that I haven't even put into place yet." I watched as he spoke, the vein in his forehead poking out slightly at the thought of good old Inspector Campbell and his dodgy leg.

"Right.." I trialled off as he stopped speaking, tapping the ash down the sink as an excuse to look away, not wanting to get caught up in his eyes like I had done so many times before. "And what's that got to do with you spending every free minute you have with Gracie?" I asked with a head tilt, purposely trying to make him feel a little bit stupid, like he had with me so often.

"Gracie? Really?" He asked with raised eyebrows and a smirk, he'd noticed it the other day, that you'd taken to calling her Gracie, with a slight nod of your head he carried on. "Well, she just happened to show up all of a week later, walked straight into the garrison and asked for a job which, with Arthur being Arthur, was handed to her the minute she fluttered her eyes at him." He recalled, thinking back to how pissed he had been at his brothers idiocy, not even a reference check before he'd handed the girl an apron.

"Is there a short version of this story?" I sighed, tired of standing here and listening to him speak, as much as I was holding on with a brave face I couldn't wait for him to leave so I could cry myself to sleep once again, after heading out to grab some more ice cream, of course.

"The short story is I spoke to Mae at the station and it turns out Grace had been sent from some specialist unit to get any info she could find on us. And when I found that out I decided to use her for my own gain, I told her false information, got her and her little team halfway up to Scotland as we speak." He shrugged, as though his actions were totally justified.

"So that's it?" I asked with furrowed brows, smushing out the remains of the cigarette in the sink before washing it down the drain. "You threw 10 years of friendship and over 2 years of us away for some silly little copper that got your knickers in a fucking twist?!" I yelled, picking up the closest thing which happened to be the now empty whisky glass besides me and throwing I at the wall just to the right of his head my eyes not leaving as his as the glass shattered.

"Uh, yes?" His confident demeanour gone as he looked at me in confusion, truly believeing that if he'd told you his side of the story, the real story then all would be well and you'd have his ring back on your finger in no time.

"Okay, that's fantastic Tom, really great, thanks for letting me know." I nodded. "Do make sure you close the door on your way out." I sighed as I walked past, pulling my wrist out of the way as I felt his touch.

"What the fucks going on? Nothing happened with the two of us, I promise you." He pleaded as he followed me into the bedroom, his eyes quickly scanning the boxes of tissues and the 3 empty ice cream tubs that littered the floor. "3 tubs in two days, aye." He couldn't help but comment.

"Yep." I muttered. Liar, the voice in my head spoke, that's just from this morning. "You've explained, now can you just, go, please." I whispered, my head starting to pound as I stood looking out of the window, the empty street of Watery Lane a poor distraction.

"Look Y/n, I know I fucked up, believe me I do, I never wanted to lie to you or keep you in the dark but, fuck, y/n you know the shit that I do, that I'm involved with, if anything ever happened to you I don't know what I'd do. The only way to keep you safe was to keep you in the dark, but it won't ever happen again." He stayed back as he spoke, knowing that if he tried to touch you at this precise moment in time the only thing he'd be walking away with would be a split lip and a lower sperm count from the boot he'd receive in the crotch.

"That's rest Tommy, really, is that supposed to make me feel better? Supposed to make me feel like any less of an idiot? Everyone saw the two of you together Tom! Just in the last two days I've had so many messages offering their sorry because they've heard we've split up and you're with fucking Gracie!" I screamed, spinning around just as the tears began to fall. "You've made a fucking fool out of me Thomas Shelby!" I screeched, flinging the desk lamp towards him. "Get the fuck out!" I whispered, counting to ten in my head. "Please just fucking go!" I cried, runnning my hands through my hair as I tried to steady my breathing.

"Alright, I'll go." He muttered, looking down at his feet. "I'll walk away and never come back, never even look in your direction again if that's what you want." He watched as you stood with your back to him, his own heart breaking at the sight of your small shoulders shaking with silent sobs, the image of your reflection of your hand over your own mouth burned into his mind. "I know that you might not want this back right now, or ever, from me anyway.." He said with a sigh, reaching into his pocket to pull out the diamond ring that you'd thrown at to the ground two days ago. "But it's yours, whether you're mine or not y/n this ring will always be yours, as well as my heart. I get that I've made you think the worse time and time again and I will never stop apologising or trying to make it up to you, no matter how long it'll take. And that's a promise. I love you y/f/n, please don't ever forget it." He finished, placing the small ring on the table besides the bedroom door before shoving his hands into his pockets and turning to leave.

He stood for a second with the front door open, with a view into your bedroom he turned one last time, willing with everything that he had that you'd turn and come running, tell him that you love him and can out this whole Grace shit behind you, but no, with one last sigh he stepped out onto the street and closed he door behind him.

Hearing the door slam I spun around, my eyes landing on the small ring, the light bouncing off of the biggest diamond sitting proudly in the centre. Sliding down the wall I let out a heart breaking cry, the sobs no longer silent as the tears slid down my cheeks one after the other, one hand squeezing my chest as though trying to hold my heart together while the other tried unsuccessfully to muffle the sobs of a broken heart.

#Tommy Shelby imagine #Tommy Shelby imagines #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders imagines #Thomas shelby imagine #Thomas shelby imagines #Tommy Shelby x reader #Thomas shelby x reader

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