#i think. its because i have not eaten since breakfast. and ive gone on two hour-long walks.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

mewhen i

[livelivefastfree]

have you been working on any new fics?? (your stories are wonderful, ive drowned myself in polyburners thanks to you 😔 its a good place to be)

Not really anything new, although I’ve been picking away at some older ones that I never finished!  Namely the plot-heavy sequel to my telepathic soul-bond superhero AU, the intimidatingly complicated sequel to Save A Horse, Ride A Dragon, and my Burnerswap AU where the villains are all our new Burners and the Burners are villains.

Unfortunately since I’m a nurse work has been kind of stressful recently and also my brain only likes to focus on one thing at a time which is currently original novel things.  So process is pretty slow, haha.  But I’m glad I could bring more people into the polyburners fold!

I do feel bad that I haven’t had the energy to post much for a while; revamping my burnerswap doc is the most recent thing I’ve gotten work done on, so here’s a little bit of scene-setting!

Deluxe is a mass of spires and platforms, shimmering in the sunshine outside Red’s window.  Red stares up at the ceiling, at the pale golden glow of sunlight on the pale polymer.  He can hear the sound of someone loudly imitating an electric guitar, and faint thumps and thuds through the wall; Duke is taking his traditional lengthy shower and using up all their precious hot water.  From the smells drifting up from downstairs, Jacob is already up and in the kitchen experimenting.  Kaia is probably upstairs on the roof, tending to her plants, and Abraham had to go back down to the undercity last night.  His absence is a hole; no sound of him talking to Jacob in the kitchen, working out irritatingly on Red’s balcony, yelling at Duke for using up the water.  There’s always something slightly off, a little bit wrong, when part of their team is missing.

Red sits up, buckles his patch on over the remnant of his left eye, and pushes himself up out of bed to see what’s for breakfast.

Jacob is stirring something in a pan when he Red arrives.  There’s a heaping basket of miscellaneous vegetables on the counter next to him, so probably Red’s in for some kind of veggie abomination this morning—but it’s a veggie abomination Red doesn’t have to make and then burn, and he doesn’t really have a sense of taste anymore, anyway.  Red drops into a chair, and Jacob piles up a plate of fried vegetables and sets it wordlessly down in front of him.

It’s quiet for a while. Red eats as much as he can manage, and Jacob knows him well enough not to frown when Red has to push the plate away half-eaten.  

“Quiet night?” he says, eventually.

“All quiet in the pit,” Red says, and goes to the cooler to fish out a nutrient shake instead.  “No calls from Abraham.  No alerts, no bots, no Dragon.”

“Mm.”  Jacob shakes his head, making an unconvinced grumbling noise.  “They’ll come.  They always do.”

Red can’t argue that. He stayed on the edge of the platform until the small hours of the morning, looking down into the dark city far below, watching every gleam of light and flicker of movement, waiting for the first flash of red glass eyes or matte metal claws.

The others drift downstairs eventually, one at a time; Duke grimaces at the vegetable mess, but Kaia piles in with every sign of enjoyment.  Red sits back and listens to Jacob and Duke bicker, Kaia’s laughing jabs at both of them indiscriminately, and lets the sunlight soften some of the harsh, nauseated fatigue.

He doesn’t realize he’s beginning to drift off, but when his comms light up red with an urgent chime, it startles him badly enough he almost drops his drink.

“Come in,” Abraham’s voice says, flat and low.  “Red.”

“Copy,” says Red, and pushes himself up, already moving. The rest of his team reorders around him, Jacob heading for the garage, Duke and Kaia immediately running for their rooms, their weapons.  Red picks up his gloves, feeling the circuitry inside thrum hotly against his palms. “Incoming?”

“How did you guess,” says Abraham dryly.  “Three Climbers.  Two on North Side, one coming up from the East.  And she’s sending up the Dragon.”

Red falters in mid-step, then growls and heads down the staircase to the garage, taking the steps two at a time. “Can you make it up?”

“I can try,” Abraham says, but Red knows that tone to his voice, rough and grim.  “I think she’s targeting the medical complex on platform 18.  Don’t get distracted.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Red says, and Abraham gives a brief bark of a laugh and then cuts the call.

--

Deluxe looks beautiful in the sunlight, if beauty is something to pay attention to; Red has seen it a thousand times, growing up from the old undercity of Detroit like an indescribably huge tree made of silver and marble.  The platforms that make up the city itself look almost fragile from a distance, hovertech and superlight polymers, gleaming with solar panels and greenery.  The massive support structure that holds the city up grows dirtier and more patchwork as it descends into the bristling thicket of ancient, blocky concrete buildings.

Whole civilizations have made their homes on the platforms along that winding trunk.  Around its base, built onto the rooftops of old skyscrapers, Red can see the distant gleam of the Casino King’s sprawling compound, gaudy with red and gold floodlights.  There are urban legends about an entire lost city, one that made its living in among the building-sized struts and cables themselves, before some unspecified calamity cut all communication with them short.

Some of the midway settlements are against Kane, some of them are only indifferent, but Red can only assume that trying to bargain her way through was too much trouble.  Kane took matters into her own hands, and had her R&D invent the Climbers.

Red has eyes on one of them now; a long, low shape, slinking across the platform.  Six-legged, with four glowing eyes each, moving with an unnerving, artificial grace—the mechanical nightmare-offspring of a wolf and some kind of insect.  The tips of their claws hum faintly, lit up—plasma-cutter edges, sharp enough to sink into the polymer like hot knives through butter.  Red is a platform above them, out of their field of vision, but he’s seen the way the things scale vertical surfaces, faster than anything that size should be able to move.

As Red watches, one of them opens its mouth, showing hundreds of needle-sharp fangs lit hellish red from the inside, and lets out an awful, scraping snarl.

“I’ve got eyes on one,” Red says, keeping his voice low.  

“Yeah, yeah, we see ‘em over here too,” Duke says, tight and sharp with bravado.  “Easy.  Let’s get it done!”

“I’ve got your back,” Kaia says.  “Let’s show these things what—”

“Hey, Red,” says a voice, and something taps Red on the shoulder.  “Tag.”

The moment of shock is enough to freeze Red in place for a single fraction of a second, and that’s a hesitation he can’t afford.  A blunt edge slams into his ribs, knocks him over off his feet; he rolls, comes up on his feet again and sends out a blind shockwave of energy—throws himself to one side as a staff sweeps past where his ankles were, and this time when he lashes out he feels the impact strike true.

The Dragon of Detroit takes the hit and lets it bowl him backwards, turns the motion into a back-handspring and comes to a skidding halt, shaking overgrown brown bangs out of his dark eyes.  He’s laughing, smiling as wide and wild as he always does; the deep scar that stretches crookedly from his cheekbone to his chin twists his smile into something just slightly crooked and bitter, but his laugh sounds irritatingly, insultingly genuine.

“Chilton,” Red snarls, and the man spins his staff behind his back and sweeps a bow, grinning.  

“I’m guessing you’re not interested in doing this the easy way, kid,” he says, and Red clenches his fists, lightning crawling up his arms.  “Yeah, I didn’t figure.  Can’t say I didn’t try.”

“The fuck I can’t,” Red snaps, and Chilton huffs out a breath and shakes his head, ever-present smile never fading.  “If you really cared about not hurting anybody you wouldn’t be working for that—”

It’s the flicker of Chilton’s eyes that gives it away, and the faintest sound of scraping metal; Red dives to one side on instinct, just in time to avoid the snap of jagged metal jaws and six sets of wickedly-clawed feet.  He comes up swinging, lands a few solid hits; the Climber shrieks as one of its legs spasms and cracks, red lightning and dented metal grinding in one of its back legs.

“Backup!” Red snaps into his comm, and then there’s only the fight.

He’s being distracted, he knows it even while it’s happening, but he can’t break his focus away long enough to care.  Chilton is gone, he has to be raiding that medical compound, and Red is stuck here, fighting some stupid robot—

“Heads up!” yells a voice, and Red glances up and then back-pedals abruptly as a huge, blocky shape comes rocketing off the next platform up and drops like a comet onto the Climber’s head.  The back half of the bot gives a meaty crunch as Jacob’s construction rig lifts back off of it, leaking nasty, thick, black fluid as it tries to drag itself forward on its two remaining legs; Red steps forward, grimacing in distaste, tears a dented plate away and buries his hand in the things neck to deliver one final, merciless jolt.  The Climber whirrs, gives a gurgling growl, and finally goes still.

“Jumpin’ Josephat,” says Jacob, from inside the clunky, ugly cube he calls a hovercar.  “You still in one piece down there?”

“Where’s Chilton?!” Red says, and then jerks and looks up at the sound of a laugh, echoing off the white walls and walkways around them.  

The Dragon is standing at the very edge of the platform, silhouetted against the sky; he makes eye contact with Red, brief and grinning, one hand on the side of a stolen transport pod. Then he throws off a brief, mocking salute, and launches himself backwards off the edge of the platform into thin air, vanishing over the edge.

“Criminy,” says Jacob weakly, because Jacob is an 80-year-old man in a 20-year-old body.  

“Fuck,” Red hisses, and slams a fist down on the ground, leaving lightning-jagged scorch marks across the white polymer.  Takes a few breaths and repeats, “…fuck,” soft and hoarse, poisonous in his mouth.

“Yeah,” says Jacob, and his boots thump softly as he slides down, his hand settles carefully on Red’s shoulder.  “C’mon. Let’s get back to the others.”

[lgbtyrus]

Three Fish and a Malfunction

First place price of my fanfic giveaway for @lilaaugenringe ! She wanted a fanfic of TJ and Cyrus at the fair :) This is a post bench scene fic where they’re not boyfriends or haven’t kissed yet. 

Words: 3,122 

-

It had been about a month since TJ and Cyrus held hands on the night of Andi’s party. Nothing was really official yet, though. It kind of made Cyrus nervous because he didn’t know exactly how serious TJ was about him or if he was even serious at all. He did hold his hand every waking chance that he got and listen to him talk about his day every day. It felt unreal that he got to talk to the boy he had been crushing on for months, knowing that he liked him, too.

He just couldn’t call him boyfriend or anything. He was honestly just scared they were going to end up in another Jonah and Andi situation, and it was all going to fall over.

Cyrus was laying in his bed, about to fall asleep when his phone went off. He checked it and saw it was a message from the group chat. Not only did it have the GHC, but it also had Marty, TJ, and Jonah.

Buffy: Me and Marty were thinking about going to the fair tomorrow and thought it’d be more fun as a group. You guy’s down?

Marty: come thruuu

Andi: What time?

Buffy: 1?

Andi: sure sounds fun :)

Jonah: down

Cyrus didn’t really want to go. He had nothing but bad experiences at the fair. He didn’t want to have to admit to TJ he was afraid of most of the things at the fair and would probably throw up. But at the same time, he wanted an excuse to spend time with TJ and the rest of the crew before summer started wrapping up.

Cyrus: see ya’ll there

TJ: same here

Buffy: this feels fake. Making plans with a friend group this large should not be this easy

Andi: we’re not 20 yet

Cyrus slid out of the group chat and went to go message TJ privately as the rest of them went off on a tangent about growing old.

Cyrus: just so you know, I’m afraid of basically everything at the carnival

TJ: its okay cy. We can just stay low and play some games and share a pretzel or whatever

Cyrus: I mean, I can get on rides if you want. Just not more than three unless the we want the pretzel to come back up

Cyrus: we don’t

TJ: gjhsfjkghs don’t worry cyrus we don’t have to go on anything you find scary

TJ: unless

Cyrus: oh no

TJ: you want to get some carnival rides off your list of things you can’t do

Cyrus: i really put some carnival rides on there?

TJ: just three. We can do one or two if doing three gets too much.

Cyrus: what rides did I put on that cursed list

TJ: you put down the hammer, the haunted tunnel, and the mirror maze???

Cyrus: I think I have a repressed memory in the mirror maze bc I literally can’t remember why ive never gone in there and I guess we can do the haunted tunnel if you hold my hand

TJ: deal :)

TJ: shouldn’t you be asleep???

Cyrus: yah

TJ: goodnight cyrus <3

Cyrus: goodnight teej <3

-

Cyrus woke up and remembered his plans for the day. He felt like he was going to throw up the breakfast he hadn’t eaten yet. He sighed and got up to get ready for the day. He quickly checked his phone and saw that there was 206 unread messages in the group chat. It must’ve been a boring night compared to their usual 800. Then again, he wasn’t up to double text.

It was a few hours before TJ and his mom picked him up. It was a nice car ride. TJ’s mom didn’t know that TJ was gay, but Cyrus had a gut feeling that she knew something was up between them. She didn’t really treat him differently, but she had that look mothers had in their eye when they knew something was up.

That's the way Cyrus mom looked at him when he first started bringing TJ around. She sort of knew, but she didn't say anything. Cyrus kind of hoped she would say anything else besides, "I like that TJ kid." But she didn't, so he did. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. He knew his parents loved him, so he doesn't know why he was so scared, but he still was.

It was like being with TJ. He knew TJ liked him, so he didn't know why he was scared.

TJ and Cyrus entered the fair and sat at the bench that the others would show up. They started holding hands the minute TJ's mom drove away. It was nice. Summer wasn't overbearing, and TJ looked nice in his stripped navy blue T-Shirt and tanned skin. Cyrus couldn't help but stare for a little.

"See something you like?" TJ smirked, leaning back on the bench and pretending to do a hair flip.

Cyrus rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah. That piece of gum stuck on this bench seems pretty appetizing." TJ immediately looked around and saw the piece of gum stick between them on the bench.

"Gross," TJ shook his head.

"Hey, guys," Jonah showed up smiling. The boys greeted him as  they saw the rest of them walk up behind him.

"You guys ready to go?" Buffy grinned, holding hands with Marty who was staring at her the same way Cyrus was staring at TJ.

"Yeah," TJ nodded, "let's go throw up."

"I'd rather not," Andi laughed as TJ and Cyrus stood up. They walked around as a group, looking at carnival games. It was fun watching Buffy and Marty get competitive and end up with too many stuffed animals in less than an hour. They had to hand some out to some little kids walking by.

TJ pulled Cyrus to the side and won him a stuffed frog in a basketball game. Cyrus could've taken the extremely big stuffed animal, but the smaller frog had a tight lip "smile" that reminded him of TJ.

"Thanks," Cyrus smiled, looking up at the taller boy.

"It's nothing," TJ laughed, putting his arm around him. "Let's go find the rest before we get lost." Cyrus and TJ caught up to Andi and Jonah who were trying to get a fish.

"Where are Buffy and Marty?" Cyrus asked as Andi tossed a ball into a fish bowl. It went to the side.

"In the mirror maze," she pointed in a different direction. "I'm trying to help Jonah win a fish."

"It's the only pet the apartment lets us have, so," Jonah shrugged before tossing another ping pong ball.

"Want to do the mirror maze?" TJ raised his eyebrows at Cyrus. Cyrus agreed without hesitation and walked over with him. They didn't have to wait in line and walked right in.

"Why did you put this in the list?" TJ asked him as they held hands through the thing.

"I have no idea?" Cyrus laughed. "Maybe it was about my self-esteem. You can only look at yourself for so long before you start to think that you're ugly."

"Well, you're not," TJ said, squeezing his hand tighter as they went through a corner. Cyrus looked in the mirror ahead and saw that TJ was softly smiling. "You're actually really cute."

Cyrus expressed a content smile as he continued following TJ through the rest of the maze.

"You're cute, too, TJ," Cyrus finally told him after a few seconds of silence. "A lot cuter than a piece of gum."

TJ burst out laughing, "Gee, thanks, Cyrus," he turned back for a second to smirk at him. "My self esteem is through the roof right now."

"I do what I can," Cyrus smiled. They continued walking, the mirrors getting blurrier and some having distorted vision.

"Do you hear that?" TJ asked him. "I think Buffy and Marty are ahead." Cyrus listened and like TJ said, Buffy and Marty were laughing up ahead. They followed their laughter and found them at the exit of the maze where they were laughing at their funky appearances. Buffy turned to them and waved.

"Come take a picture with us," she laughed, "this is gold." The boys approached them and posed for a few photos for Buffy before they all walked out. They went to go look for Andi and Jonah who were sitting at a bench, three goldfish in their laps. "Oh my gosh," Buffy ran up to them. "Why did you get so many?"

"How did you get so many?" Marty asked, standing right behind Buffy.

"I felt bad only having one alone, and I ended up with three," Jonah shrugged. "I already named them Baby Tator, Tator-Tot, and the Patoto Famine."

"One is not like the others," Cyrus said, at they all laughed at Jonah's names.

"It's kind of like the others," Jonah said.

"How are you going to get on rides if you have fish now?" Marty asked him.

"I was going to wait, but I already have an upset stomach from the hot dog smell, and I'd rather not," Jonah smiled.

"Are you sure?" Buffy asked. "We're going on the hammer next?"

"Cyrus can take my place," Jonah smiled. "I'll take care of your guy's things."

Buffy smiled excitedly at Cyrus, "You want to go on the hammer?" Before Cyrus could say anything, she dragged him by the arm away.

"Buffy," Cyrus gasped, "I haven't even agreed yet."

"That's why we're going before you change your mind!"

"Your logic has a lot of faults in it!" Cyrus said as she stopped at the line. Cyrus looked up at the tall ride going as people screamed their lungs out. He looked to the side and saw a girl throwing up in a garbage can. He winced. TJ, Marty, and Andi showed up after a few minutes. Cyrus held TJ's hand very tightly. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

"I believe in you," TJ told him, "it'll be fun."

"You agreed to hold my hand the entire time and if I'm scared enough to suddenly become strong and break your hand, I'm sorry." TJ chuckled.

"It's going to be fine, Cyrus," TJ reassured him, "I promise." The line got shorter and shorter, and Cyrus felt his heart shrink every second. Next thing he knew, he was strapped in and screaming.

"The ride hasn't started, Cyrus," TJ laughed, reaching over to hold his hand. "It'll before over before you know it." Within a few seconds, the ride was on and Cyrus was screaming his lungs off along with TJ. But it wasn't horrible. He started having fun after a few moments after the initial terror. He smiled that he could finally enjoy rides like these with his friends instead of staying back every time.

When he got off, everyone was looking at him.

"Well," Andi grinned, pieces of hair sticking out of her headband, "did you like it?"

"Yeah," Cyrus smiled, "I actually did." The rest of his friends cheered on before walking out to the busy fair to look for something else.

"I promised you that it would be fine," TJ told him, putting his arm around him as they walked.

"It's now noted that you keep your promises," Cyrus told him with a huge smile. His heart was beating extremely fast and both the closeness to TJ and the fair ride had made him sweat. But he didn’t really care. He was really comfortable around TJ.

“So,” TJ said to him, “ready for the tunnel of horror?” Buffy quickly turned around to look at them happily.

“Cyrus!” she gasped. “You want to go on the Tunnel of Horror?”

“Can I say yes this time?” Cyrus raised and eyebrow at her as she jumped back and forth on her heels.

“I guess,” she said, waving her arms around.

“Ye-“ before Cyrus could finish, Buffy was already dragging him to the next ride like she had for the first one. “Do you even know where it is?”

“I know everything,” she said like it was a fact. Cyrus felt content as he heard the rest of his friends trail behind them. TJ and Marty were talking and Jonah caught up to them with his arms full of fish. It was a good day to try new things.

They got to the short line for the tunnel of horror. “I think we’ll be able to go on by the next set of cars,” TJ said as he stood next to Cyrus, holding his hand once again.

“I heard it kind of sucks this year, so it shouldn’t be too scary for Cyrus,” Buffy nudged him. “If not, I wouldn’t bring him in. The last two years have been horrifying.”

“Are you just trying to make me feel better?” Cyrus asked.

Buffy raised her arms up in defense, “The line is short for a reason.” The next set of carts showed up individually every 30 seconds, each one holding two people. First, Marty and Buffy got on one and disappeared into the tunnel. Next, Andi, Jonah, and Jonah’s three kids got on. Finally, TJ helped Cyrus onto the cart and they pulled the bar down to lock themselves.

The car started moving and Cyrus and TJ were being pulled into the dark tunnel, creepy music playing instantly. A fake door shut behind them loudly as they were in, hiding the last ounces of daylight.  One hand on the bar, Cyrus used the other one to hold TJ’s hand.

“How long is this ride?” Cyrus asked TJ right before getting startled by a monster jumping in then out.

TJ strained to hold back his laughter as he said, “Maybe five to ten minutes? Why?”

“I am not having fun in this dark space,” Cyrus said, holding his hand tighter, jumping once more as a fake witch laughed behind him.

“It’s okay, Cyrus,” TJ said. “None of this is real. We’ll be out before you know it.”

Then the ride stopped. Cyrus and TJ looked at each other, barely able to see anything in the dark. Then the music stopped, and the lights turned on. Cyrus knew he looked terrified. He felt stuffed in the cart even if they had so much room. He looked around the tunnel and saw all the fake monsters and lanterns strewn around, the fake bats on the ceiling. A little bit ahead, there was a projection of a wolf howling at the moon. Then he looked at TJ who wasn’t saying anything either.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” someone said over the intercom, “there has been a failure in the system, and we are getting mechanics on the grounds immediately. Both of the main doors can’t open at the moment so please remain in your seats until further notice to avoid getting harmed. If this takes more than hour, we will call 911.”

Cyrus was sweating now. A lot. The tunnel felt like it was radiating nothing but heat, and he pulled his hand away from TJ’s in embarrassment. But in a few seconds, he wanted it back. He wasn’t sure what was going on in his head anymore. He looked forward and saw the projection of the wolf howling. Over and over and over again. And again. And again. And he looked up at the fake bats. They started looking fuzzier, they had eyes now. Cyrus was sweating anymore. Then he realized TJ had been talking to him the entire time. TJ had his arm around him and was squeezing his hand

“Hey, Cyrus. Cyrus. Talk to me? Cyrus? Are you okay?” TJ nervously talked to him. He also seemed shaken up. “I need you to take a few deep breaths for me, okay? Cyrus? Nod. Can you nod so I know you’re listening?” Cyrus nodded.  TJ sighed in relief, “Okay, Cy. Let’s take a deep breath in.” Cyrus breathed in. “Now out.” Cyrus exhaled. They did that a few times. “Good job, Cyrus,” TJ said as Cyrus rested his head on his shoulder.

Things felt fine now.

“Are you feeling better?” TJ asked him. Cyrus weakly nodded. “Just think of good things. Your family, friends, music, the spoon, baby tators… the patato famine,”

“People died, Thelonious,” Cyrus whispered, cracking a tiny smile and making TJ let out a small snort. That made Cyrus laugh himself. “Did you just snort,” Cyrus sat up to look at him. TJ was blushing, hiding his face with the back of his hand. “That was cute.” TJ put his hand down after a while.

“Well,” TJ sat back, “I didn’t promise that we’d be out in a little bit.”

“I think I’d rather go on the hammer again,” Cyrus sighed, looking at him closely. TJ turned to look at the brown eyed boy and smile.

“I like that you liked the other one more. It’s funny,” TJ said, reaching over to brush some hair out of Cyrus’ forehead.

“Why?” Cyrus said, leaning his head into TJ’s hand.

“Just is,” TJ was whispering now, looking between Cyrus’ eyes and his lips. “Can I kiss you?” Cyrus’ heart could have not beat faster any other time in his life. He nodded and leaned into TJ who had already found his lips with his own.

So kissing is supposed to feel like a bunch of stars Cyrus thought to himself.

When they pulled away, Cyrus’ nose was touching TJ’s, and he asked him, “What are we TJ?”

“I was just waiting for the moment, actually,” TJ have him a smile, giving him another small his before saying, “I think now is an alright time to ask you to be my boyfriend.” Cyrus nodded happily, kissing him again.

The two boys were in the tunnel for about forty minutes, laughing and talking about a lot of cheesy things, before the wagons started moving again. Only, the lights stayed on as they heard over the intercom, “Thank you for waiting. We are sorry for the inconvenience. All riders will be taken off immediately as the ride is going to be shut down for the day.”

The group met outside, TJ and Cyrus being the last ones to get off.

“You guys alright?” Andi asked them as they approached them.

“All good,” Cyrus nodded, smiling widely.

“Too good,” Buffy smirked, “dish it out.” TJ and Cyrus blushed, wondering how she figured it out so fast.

“Uh,” Cyrus said nervously, “I guess we’re boyfriend and boyfriend now.” The entire group let out of loud cheers and tackled them both into a group hug, making Cyrus’ heart feel full of love. Maybe fairs weren’t so bad after all. You just needed the right group of people. The right person. TJ was his person.

[peggysousfan]

Agent Carter An Au Series

Here is chapter 10, it is the longest by far!! I’m getting close to crossing over the story with the show, so I may take a short break from writing to figure out how to get all the details in and continue this story. I hope y’all enjoy:)

Peggy's POV:

I feel as if I'm going out of my mind. I was never meant for motherhood... Stephanie was only born yesterday, and already I'm going mad. I don't understand how Mum had two children close in age! Micheal and I are only 3 years apart and yet the idea of having another anywhere in that proximity of time gives me a migraine. I can't do this, I just can't... Colleen left for work early this morning and I know Daniel is gone as well. Stephanie refuses to eat anything, no matter what I do she just won't latch! Shes been crying non stop all day. I've changed her nappy, given her a pacy, and tried to feed her; but nothing seems to calm her down! For hours I have been pacing around the apartment, bobbing her up and down, everything I can think of doesn't seem to work. I'll be damned if I ask Mrs' Keller for any assistance. I know Steph has, in fact, inherited part of the serum. I've tried swaddling her, but she somehow manages to get out of it. And when she smacks, it hurts. Actually hurts. Not enough to bruise, yet, but I don't want Mrs. Keller or anyone else I don't trust to touch my child. I give up....

Daniel's POV:

"Sousa! You're late."

"Thanks Thompson, I hadn't noticed." I crutch over to my desk and sit down. Man last night was rough...

"Yeah, sure you did. We all thought you lost your footing and didn't know how to get back up. But, I guess you kinda need a leg for that," Krzeminski laughs.  Low life dick...

"Is that right? I would have thought you were to hung up on some bimbo broad to come in at all.. or is that your wife?" I say, and instantly, he shuts up. But the rest of the office bursts into laughter. His wife spends more time on the streets than she does with him, we've all seen it.

"Damn, Sousa! What cat dragged you out of bed this morning!?" Thompson says. I ignore him and get to work. Thankfully, Krzeminski doesn't bother me the rest of the day. Hours later when I look at the clock, I see its time to go. "Sousa. Where are you going?" I grab my jacket, slip it on, and crutch to the elevator.

"Home."

"Yeah.. you've been leaving pretty early lately.. Got somethin' to share? Maybe you met a nice gal?" He says as he starts to walk with me.

"And why the hell would I tell you anything, Thompson?"

"Hey, I'm just asking. Normally you stay as late as possible. But here lately you've been leaving at 7 O' clock on the dot. Everyday, for the past week."

"Great observation skills agent. Are you gonna tell me what I had for breakfast next?" He laughs and I start to walk away.

"I'm being serious, Sousa. What changed?"

"Simple. I have a life. Maybe you should get one." And with that, I leave. I wonder how Peggy's doing with Stephanie...

Peggy's POV:

I fear I may be doing something wrong. How can she still not latch on? What do I do? I think I might actually need Mrs. Keller's help... I pick Steph up again and hear a knock at the door. Did Colleen forget her key again? I walk to the door and unlock it. When I open it, its Daniel. Oh thank God!

"Daniel!" I sigh in relief.

"Hey, I thought I'd drop by and see how you were doing..." He looks down at her and shes still fussing.

"I'm going insane, I'm afraid." I step back and let him in. "I-I-I've tried everything I can possibly think of and nothings working! I've tried feeding her numerous time and she won't take. She doesn't seem to be latching at all! I've changed her nappy, I-Ive given her  a p-pacy.. I- I walked around bouncing her! I-I-I just don't know Daniel I don't-"

"Peggy! Hey, calm down."  Its then I noticed how wet my cheeks are. "She hasn't eaten anything today?"

"No!" I exasperate.

"Okay, heres what we'll do." He places a hand on my shoulder and I look at him. "First I need you to take a deep breath-"

"Oh really Daniel! I-"

"Peg, you can't help her and take care of her if you don't take care of yourself. Please. I need you to take a deep breath, and let it out." I look him in the eye, and see worry, nothing but worry; because of me. Ugh... I'm horrible. I nod my head and do as he asks, but I can't stop the tears as Stephanie wails. "Here, may I?" I open my eyes and notice him gesturing to the baby , and I gratefully oblige. He takes her to the kitchen and bounces her around, whispering sweet little things too her. I can't hear it all, only small words.. Words like "Sweet, anjo?, sunshine, and linda? What?  He sets his crutch against the sink,takes a clean cloth, and rinses it under the tap.

"Daniel? What are you doing?" I step closer and see Steph sucking on the cloth.

"All the crying shes doing will make her dehydrated. Its best to let her suck on this and get hydrated while you take a minute to yourself and relax."

"What did I do to deserve you?" Before I even think about it, it slips out of my mouth. Either he doesn't notice or ignores the meaning behind it.

"I'm just here to help, Peggy. You can do this, you just... need another hand to guide you through it."

"And that hand being yours, I hope." Now he looks at me. Damn. Why did I just say that? He laughs lightly.

"I don't know a whole lot, just enough to help. I don't have any of my own, so... I can't really give you the best advice." He soaks the cloth again and poppet keeps drinking.

"Do you want any of your own? I've never heard you speak of it before."

"Uh...yeah, maybe..."

"Well that doesn't sound so certain." I laugh. He looks at me with those deep brown eyes, and smiles.

"I mean I do, one day. But... thats not gonna be for a while."

"How do you know that?" He looks away from me and brings Stephanie to his chest. Shes starting to calm down.

"Lets just say I do..."

"Daniel? How do you know for certain?" His demeanor changes and his shoulders start to slump. Somethings upsetting him. "You know you can tell me, Daniel. I won't reprimand you for it." He finally looks at me, then glances back at Steph.

"Its just... gonna take some time."

"Time for..?"

"You know, time."

"Daniel." He sighs and and turns towards me.

"Lets just say... Girls aren't exactly lining up to be with a crip."

"I beg your pardon!" I shout, Daniel looks at me, shocked. "Why on earth would you say a thing like that?"

"I thought you said you wouldn't reprimand me?"

"Well I-.... damn what I said. Daniel... You shouldn't say that about yourself. You are not-" I sigh in frustration. "Please. Never talk about yourself like that again."

"Yes, ma'am," He laughs sadly. "Its just, they can't see past the crutch, Peg."

"Any woman would be lucky to have you, and those that can't see passed that symbol of bravery, then they're damned fools." I say boldly. Once again our eyes lock together, and seems like everything around us has stopped.

"Thanks, Peggy."

"I mean it, Daniel. What happened to you...Your injury... It doesn't define you. Not in that way. You sacrificed so much for your country; blood, sweat, tears... and your leg. But you shouldn't let that and what others think stand in your way. Believe it or not, you came back more whole than most soldiers, Daniel. You are an amazing person and a kind man. You deserve better than what others say, but they're just words. You know the full story, they don't. Know your value, Daniel. I know I do..." I didn't mean to make a speech, but I can't stand how down hearted he felt. The way people treat injured soldiers is bloody ridiculous; especially when they are as kind as Daniel. He looks up at me, as if I've grown a second head. Maybe, I've over stepped, but he needs to know hes worth more than the world gives him. Before he can say anything, the door opens.

"Hey, Peggy! I got some- oh, Daniel. Hi."

"Uh- hey!" Stephanie starts to fuss again, so Daniel re-soaks the rag.

"So, I got dinner, but if you two already ate thats okay."

"Oh, no we haven't, or well.I-I haven't ." I say. Since  Colleen has taken extra shirts to pay my half of the rent, and because of that I use to eat alone. But before poppet was born, Daniel and I had ate many dinners together; and Colleen knew this.

"Well I got some from food from The Automate, enough for two,though. Not three."

"Thats ok, I'm fine." Daniel says while rocking the baby.

"Have you eaten already?" Colleen asks as she sets down the bags.

"Uh, no, but its fine. I can eat later." I look at Colleen, and she looks at me. She's going to go get Daniel some supper, I already know it.

"I'll be right back." And with that she leaves.

"Wheres she going?" Daniel asks, thoroughly confused.I laugh.

"She went to get more food."

"What? She didn't have to do that."

"Colleen is Colleen. Thats really all I can say. You nor I could talk her out of it if we wanted to." We both laugh and Stephanie begins to fuss again.

"Peg? Do you..uh.. want to try and feed her? I'll leave, of course, just.. uh, do you want to try it?"

"I, uhm... I-I-can try but...She won't latch, Daniel." I walk over to Daniel and he tries to hand her to me. Its a bit of awkward shuffling and our hands graze each others several times; each time I feel a spark. "Sorry" We both say.

"I'll, uh, go." "But, Daniel..." He stops mid walk. "You don't have to leave, what about your dinner?"

"I can come back, but... I should give you some privacy to... you know." I look down at the baby and then at Daniel. Ugh, why must this be so difficult.

"Or you could simply turn away..." No, no no no. I hope I didn't say what I think I did. Damn, I did. The shock on his face is unmistakable, and I'm sure, I'm the same. "We-well that is, uhm, i-if you don't mind staying." Now I'm rambling... Instead of saying anything in return, his face turns a bright red, al the way to the tip of his ears. For a few moments, niether of us move; until the baby starts to cry. He turns around and distracts himself with a newspaper while I open my dress and try to feed Stephanie. Oh what was I thinking!? 'Or you could simply turn around'!?? God Peggy, what is wrong with you...

"Is she eating?" Bloody hell, I forgot he was here.

"Ugh, No! I don't know what I'm doing wrong." Steph tries to feed, but she can't find it. I try to guide her but she keeps squirming around and getting frustrated.

"Is she swaddled? If she not that might help, and then hold her really close and guide her, that way she can try and eat. That and you staying calm." I look for a blanket to swaddle her in, but I can't find one.

"Daniel? I can't find her blanket."

"Uhh.." He starts to search and finds it."Found it!"

"Good, could you bring it to me?" I hear him walk towards me and I cover myself up. "Thank you." He doesn't look at me, but he nods and walks back away. I'm not sure whats more awkward; this moment or when I invited myself over to eat with him for the first time. No its now, defiantly now. I swaddle Stephanie, take a deep breath, and try to feed her. It takes a few minutes, but she finally starts to get it. "Oh thanks God!"

"Shes eating?"

"Finally. It only took her all day..." We both laugh and Steph coos. After shes finished, I button my dress,and burp her. "You can turn around now." And he does. Now everything feels at peace, almost normal again.  I offer her to Daniel, and she starts to giggle. I've never seen him smile so brightly. "I fear shes put you under her spell." He laughs.

"Thats okay, I don't mind." After a few minutes of just being relaxed and enjoying Steph, Colleen comes home. We all sit around and eat dinner, Daniel continues to hold the baby, but I don't mind. Hes good with her. She likes him, and so do I... Theres no one I trust more with my daughter than Daniel Sousa.

[megabadbunny]

Minuet, Part VIII

“You help so many people,” she says. “Why won’t you let anyone help you?”

***

(ten/rose angsty post-gitf au/fixit; this chapter sfw except for language)

(full-size image)

Minuet, Part VIII

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX

Pulling his robe close around him, Mickey shuffles down the corridor, stifling a yawn as he waves at other guests amidst the sounds of his grumbling stomach and his slippers slip-slide-slapping over the floor. His empty stomach has compelled him to embark on a valiant (if a bit drowsy) quest to the dining hall, to discover whatever delightful assortment of extravagant ceremonial dishes the Temple has provided for breakfast—but first there’s the matter of proper clothing, left behind in his haste to escape the Doctor’s nonstop chattering.

God, he hopes the Doctor has already stepped out for the day. If he hears one more hint of conspiracy theories or hydrologic events or ridiculously-prolonged event durations, Mickey, it’s just not meteorologically feasible!, he’s going to scream so loudly the neighboring solar systems will hear him.

But probably Rose and the Doctor have both already eaten, or they’re eating now, Mickey thinks. He imagines them quibbling over alien toast, or pointedly-not-talking-to-each-other while sipping their alien tea, or hurling snide quips at each other between mouthfuls of jiggly-faced alien eggs. Mickey rolls his eyes. Maybe he’s lucky and they’ve already departed the hall, and he can avoid the teeth-gritting awkwardness and tension that keeps blossoming between them. Or maybe he’ll just nab a plate of something and hide in his room until the storm passes. Both the literal and metaphorical storm, that is; the lightning and its violent cracks and splits in the dark sky overhead have got nothing on Rose and the Doctor’s pointlessly stressful nonsense. Why don’t they just kill the tension and shag already? Mickey scoffs to himself as he pushes open his bedroom door.

Then his eyes widen as he takes in the scene in front of him and the irony of his last thought hits Mickey with all the subtlety of a slap to the face.

Like a hunter stalking wild game in the forest, Mickey’s gaze follows a path of tracks, starting at the door in a cluster of shoes dropped pell-mell on the floor, his and hers mixed, leading up in a tangle of flung-off tuxedo jacket and jewelry and oxford and necktie and discarded bedclothes and women’s underthings to the bed itself, canopy-curtains tossed aside to reveal two occupants lounging about within. The Doctor looks as rumpled as Mickey has ever seen him—more than, actually, Mickey’s fairly certain he looked more composed in his post-regeneration coma—clad only in a tee shirt (hopelessly wrinkled) and his tuxedo trousers (even more wrinkled) and a pair of mismatched socks (has Mickey ever even seen his socks?). His hair is a right mess, sticking up even more than usual, as if it’s alarmed to find itself in such a state; it’s an odd counterbalance to the Doctor’s relaxed posture, leaning back against the headboard as he reads some book he procured from goodness-knows-where. And Rose—

Well, Rose is just naked and asleep. Not much else to be noted about that.

At least that answers the question of whether she and the Doctor have gone to breakfast yet.

Mickey’s eyes flicker briefly over Rose’s body, more out of confusion than anything. She’s lying on her stomach, a duvet hastily half-tossed over her—did the Doctor hear Mickey coming and cover her up, he wonders? Because the Rose Mickey knows always kicks off her blankets halfway through the night whether she’s clothed or not—so all her crucial bits are covered. (Not that Rose would particularly care if Mickey saw her in such a state anyway. Nothing you haven’t seen before, she’s often said, with a shrug, while she changes right in front of him. Mickey, of course, will say nothing, but blushes furiously.)

Frowning, Mickey glances at the Doctor, a question forming on his lips. The Doctor shoots him an imperious look over his glasses. It’s a challenge, Mickey thinks. Go on. Say something. I dare you. Mickey bristles at the thought.

But then he notices the way the Doctor’s hands fidget with the book, fingers drumming quietly on the cover and sliding along the pages in a manner that Mickey would almost describe as nervous, if he didn’t know any better, and oh—this isn’t some bullshit macho display after all. The Doctor doesn’t plan to lock antlers. No, instead he’s wary. Waiting. Like he’s nervous about Mickey will react. Like he might even actually care about Mickey reacts.

Wordlessly, Mickey scoops up his clothes, offering the Doctor a curt nod. The Doctor dips his head in reply, his shoulders visibly loosening, and Mickey turns to go. But upon reaching the door, Mickey has a second thought.

“You break her heart, I break your skull,” he says to the door. He turns back round to hit the Doctor with his very best threatening glare. “Got it?”

“Fair enough,” the Doctor replies evenly.

Mickey nods. “Damn right it is.”

He eases the door shut behind him, quietly, in an effort not to disrupt Rose’s sleep. Out in the hallway once again, Mickey expels a deep breath, leaning against the wall. A twinge of jealousy flares up somewhere in his chest, a tiny burning gnawing thing burrowing between his ribs. He closes his eyes and tries to will the hurt away.

Rose loves the Doctor. God help her, but for whatever reason, she loves him. And in his own strange way, maybe he loves her too. (Probably he loves her too, Mickey thinks with a grimace.) But as much as it stings, Mickey’s not going to be the one to stand between them and their happiness.

Besides—it’s high time he pursued some happiness of his own.

Eyes open, he pushes off the wall and heads back to the other room. Today’s pursuit, he thinks, should begin with a little investigation into this whole missing-priest-conspiracy business. Might as well get in a little snooping while Rose and the Doctor are otherwise unoccupied, right? He’s more than capable of doing things on his own, after all. Who knows, maybe he’ll even solve a little mystery or two without them.

But first: breakfast.

 ***

 Rose is not surprised to wake up and find the bed empty beside her.

She only allows herself a little disappointment. It isn’t as if she expected anything different. The Doctor doesn’t do domestic; he’s made that quite clear. And this—waking up in a bloke’s room, lying naked in his bed, the morning after—it doesn’t get any more domestic than this. Honestly, she’d have been more surprised if she’d awoken and he was still there. A few minutes of affection and attention and he’s totally overwhelmed; he’s sort of like a cat, that way. The humor of that comparison does not escape Rose.

Drinking in a deep yawn, Rose sits up and stretches, muscles straining satisfyingly against each other a thick early-morning haze, only to indulge in a great flop back on the mattress after, limbs cast out like a starfish or a child making a snow angel. A sleepy, contented sigh escapes her lips. She can’t remember the last time she felt so well-rested, or the last time she was this pleasantly sore between the legs, for that matter.

But soon the itch to move (and perhaps more importantly, to scrub off an evening’s-worth of body glitter and sweat and various other things) becomes overwhelming, so move she does, swinging her legs over the edge of the mattress so she can snatch the Doctor’s abandoned tuxedo-shirt off the floor and pad over to the en suite for a shower. The water is deliciously hot, rolling over her hair and skin in soothing sheets, and Rose silently thanks her lucky stars that this planet has the gift of indoor plumbing. Good grief, but she’d missed her hot water in eighteenth-century France.

Lost in that odd timeless quality of a good shower, an unmarked bout of moments passes, Rose’s thoughts suspending in sluggish liquid laziness. She curiously inspects the range of available soaps and cleansers, each likely intended for a different species, some of them sweet and fruity-smelling, some of them harsh and astringent, others earthy, the smell of dirt fresh and clean. Ultimately Rose settles for the bottle that smells most familiar and scrubs away makeup and sweat and sex and something uncomfortable that’s haunted her skin ever since that jump through the mirror five and a half months ago, watching it all wash away down the drain in a swirl of suds and glitter. She dries herself off with a luxuriously fluffy towel, reveling in the glide of soft cotton fibers that brush over her like a kiss.

Just as Rose finds herself wishing for a toothbrush, she notices one lying on the bathroom counter, one that looks suspiciously like the stock the Doctor keeps in those bottomless pockets of his. Upon unwrapping it, the scent of Venusian spearmint floods her senses and she brushes her teeth with a grin that won’t quite go away. It was an oddly considerate gesture on the Doctor’s part—if a bit domestic, she thinks, her grin widening. After, she pulls on the Doctor’s tuxedo-shirt and doesn’t even bother with half the buttons before stepping back into the bedroom, humming at the surprise of crisp cool air against her still-damp skin.

“Blimey, took you long enough,” mutters the Doctor, and Rose startles to find him in the room, back in his old suit, lounging on the bed and splayed over backward as if he flopped there out of sheer impatience. A plate of goodies sits next to him, its contents already picked-over and jostled by the Doctor’s movement. “You just took a shower yesterday, how could you possibly already require such an extensive—”

His eyes find her and his words falter. His eyebrows knit together. He swallows.

“That’s my shirt,” the Doctor says flatly.

“Technically, it’s the Temple’s shirt, isn’t it?” Rose replies, laughing as she plunks down next to him on the bed and plucks something warm off the breakfast plate. She’s got no clue what it is, but it’s salty and starchy and good. “And good morning to you, too, by the way.”

“It’s evening.”

“The hell?” Rose peers out past the bed-canopy at the sky flashing overhead. Lightning cuts a bright white arc through the stormclouds, interrupting the inky darkness with patches of watery pink and red. It looks exactly the same as it did the night before, and the evening and the afternoon, for that matter. “How long was I asleep for?” Rose wonders.

“Fourteen hours and sixteen seconds,” the Doctor replies. “Give or take a few seconds.”

Rose laughs, raking a hand through the wet strands of her hair. The motion causes her shirt to ride up, exposing several inches of thigh that weren’t exposed before, and if she hadn’t been paying attention, Rose almost could have missed the way the Doctor’s eyes flickered down to her legs before resuming their blank stare into nothingness.

Hiding a smile, Rose shifts, lying down on her side next to the Doctor. “So—” she starts to say, but immediately the Doctor springs up so quickly the mattress ripples in his wake.

“So anyway, just thought I’d check in after your endlessly long sleep session and even longer bath, see if you were up for a bit of nosing around—overheard a bit of gossip whilst I was pilfering nibbles, something about the cleaning room and the High Chauncery’s personal chambers and strict orders to avoid each other at all costs, all very promising, nothing says conspiracy like refusing to let the staff do their job,” the Doctor babbles, hands shoved firmly in his pockets as he slowly backpedals away. “Figured it merited a good checking-out if you were up for it, so I’ll just leave you to eat and get dressed, shall I…?”

“Oh, god,” Rose sighs. “Doctor, please don’t tell me you’re gonna be all weird about this.”

“Weird?” the Doctor scoffs, mouth opening and closing ineffectually several times before any other noise decides to come out. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. I’m being perfectly normal, thank you very much, and I rather resent the notion that I might be anything otherwise. I’m the picture of normal. The very portrait. The very realistic, well-lit, well-painted, brushed-by-Vermeer-himself portrait, thanks.”

“Did Vermeer ever get all flustered about a woman wearing his shirt and nothing else?”

“I’m sure he did.”

Then, after a pause, “…nothing else at all?”

“Let’s find out,” Rose says brightly, fingers flying down to her shirt-buttons.

Stammering, the Doctor darts over, stilling her hands with his. “Ah,” he stutters, “as delightful as whatever you have in mind undoubtedly is—”

“And it is,” Rose says with a grin.

“—with everyone else away at this evening’s ceremonials, I was thinking this might be a good time to do a bit of investigating—”

“Mm-hmm.”

“—or rather, you know. Poking around a bit.”

Rose’s eyes widen with mischief but the Doctor’s hand claps over her mouth before anything salacious can escape it. “Good grief, is that all humans think about?” the Doctor laughs. “At the shops, down the pub, on the bus, when’s the next time I’ll get to squish bits?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“It’s a wonder the human race manages to get anything else accomplished.”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Rose agrees, voice muffled as she smiles against the Doctor’s palm.

“Indeed. However, if we’re going to get in any snooping this evening, we’d best hop to it, distraction-free. So, if I remove my hand,” the Doctor says, fighting the smile that threatens to quirk the corners of his mouth, “will you promise to behave?”

Rose shakes her head no.

Sighing, the Doctor shifts back. “I suspected as much.”

 ***

 A few moments and nibbles and a fresh pair of trousers later (but still clad in the Doctor’s borrowed shirt, because she’ll be damned before she passes up any available opportunity to fluster him), Rose follows the Doctor through a series of chambers in the Temple, each one smaller and more round-walled than the last. But even amidst the air of conspiracy and subterfuge that lies heavy on them like a thick woolen cloak, pressing more and more urgently as they creep ever-closer to the Temple’s heart, prompting them both to regularly swivel round on a sharp lookout for stray guards or Votaries, Rose feels lighter than she has in months.

“So tell me about this conspiracy,” she says, idly glancing about the place as the Doctor scans orb after orb with the sonic. It isn’t the library they visited the day before, but rather, a sort of private records-room, as the Doctor described it, but Rose will have to take his word for it; all she knows is that the orbs are white, they glow, and every time the Doctor takes a reading, he scowls afterward in impatience. “What do we know so far?” Rose continues, tabbing one of the globes.

The Doctor rolls his eyes, but he can’t hide a grin. “Weren’t you paying any attention yesterday?”

“Nope,” Rose says brightly. “So gimme the scoop.”

“Well, unfortunately there’s not a whole lot to scoop so far, I’m afraid,” the Doctor explains, setting down one orb with a huff only to pluck up another. “Just a few frustrating questions, none of which have any apparent answer.”

“Being?”

“Why is the Allstorm suddenly so long, why are there so many foreign guests in attendance for what should be a cozy local religious ritual, and why has our Most Grant and Generous Host up and disappeared into the ether?”

“And you suspect that something big and bad’s to blame, and we’ve got to stop it.”

“Well.” The Doctor shoots her a glance over his spectacles. “Don’t we?”

Shrugging, Rose picks up one of the orbs to judge for herself. “Sure. Yeah. Maybe.”

The Doctor piques an eyebrow in question.

“You’re probably right,” Rose says. “I’m sure your Spidey-senses are tingling for a reason.”

“Yours aren’t?”

“Eh, I dunno. The missing host is fishy for sure, and I don’t know much about storms, but as far as the international guest list goes…” Rose hands her orb to the Doctor with another shrug. “I’m probably still just stuck a bit in the 1700’s is all. They’d celebrate anything, they would. And I mean anything. One time Reinette threw a party cos she got some new porcelain. She threw a party for a bloody set of dinner plates.”

“Aw, come on, Rose. The birth of the infamous celestial blue underglaze is worth at least a little bit of a hootenanny, isn’t it?”

“No,” replies Rose stubbornly. “And if I never hear the phrase bleu céleste again, it’ll be too soon.”

Chuckling, the Doctor turns back to his orb, his spectacles alternately flashing blue with the light of the sonic and electric-white from the lightning arcing overhead. “So your theory is that the guests are here just because they’re poncy and rich, and poncy rich folk will leap at any chance to party?”

“More or less.”

“Not a bad thought. Got any ideas about the other two-thirds of our problem?”

“If you’re forced to stay here for a whole month without a mystery to solve, you’ll go mad?”

“Cheeky,” says the Doctor, the corner of his mouth quirked in amusement as he scans a new globe. “Was that terribly fashionable in the French court? The cheekiness?”

“Oh, Louis absolutely adored it,” Rose says with a wink.

“I’ll bet he did,” mutters the Doctor.

Rose smiles. Something about this—the investigating, the banter, the still-familiarity of it all even after half a year away, the Doctor’s intense concentration written in the crease of his brow over those stupidly sexy specs of his—something about it all just makes Rose want to hug him, throw her arms around him and squeeze tight. Maybe kiss him, and see where that takes them. But before she has the chance to enact any part of her plan, the Doctor looks up at her over his specs again, eyebrow arched sharply as he says, “Can I help you?”

Rose shakes herself. “Sorry?”

“You’re staring.”

Rose begs herself not to blush. “Yeah? So?”

“Why are you staring?”

“I dunno. Just thinking about…things.”

“What things?”

“Just…things.”

“Because we haven’t got the time for canoodling right now, you know.”

Laughing, Rose shakes her head, willing the redness in her cheeks to die down. “Canoodling? God, you really are old.”

“How’s that?”

“Cos only old fogies say stuff like that anymore. And for your information, I wasn’t thinking about anything like that at all.”

“Really?”

“Really,” says Rose stubbornly. “Cos y’know, that was just a joke earlier, humans thinking about sex all the time. Despite what you may think, not everything revolves around you and, you know, canoodling or whatever—”

But her words are cut off by a tap behind the far wall, resounding through the room, and the Doctor stiffens in response, his head snapping to at the noise. It takes Rose approximately half a second to realize that’s one of those invisible-door-opening taps. They’re about to be discovered, and despite Uruud and the other Votaries’ claims of hospitality, Rose knows that this is one of the few places they won’t be welcome in.

“Oi!” shouts the guard as they step through the magic doorway, shining a light on Rose and the Doctor, freezing them both like a pair of deer in headlights. “Oi, you two! Guests aren’t permitted in here!”

“Right,” says the Doctor, stepping in front of Rose and the table full of scattered globes, shielding them all from view. “Of course. We’re so sorry, complete misunderstanding—”

“What are you doing in here?” the guard asks suspiciously.

“Canoodling?” Rose offers.

“We got lost,” the Doctor says quickly, stepping to the side to block the guard’s view as he tries to peer around him at Rose and the orbs. “We got lost looking for a place to—erm—”

“Canoodle,” Rose supplies, kicking herself.

“—and, well, nothing gets a human girl all hot and bothered like a roomful of private records, does it?” the Doctor laughs weakly.

The guard looks from the Doctor, around to Rose behind him, down at the misplaced globes surrounding Rose, back to the Doctor again. He does not look convinced.

“Sorry, but I think I’m going to have to take you in,” says the guard, reaching for something behind his back. A weapon, Rose thinks, and she freezes.

“And that’s our cue,” says the Doctor, grabbing Rose by the hand. “Time to run!”

Fingers cinched tightly round hers, the Doctor sprints through the records-room past rows and rows of glowing orbs, pulling Rose along for the ride as the guard chases after. Rose runs as fast as her legs can take her, neglected muscles tensing and complaining after months of sedentary stillness, but even amidst that, Rose is grinning like a madwoman, because she’s missed all of this, god has she ever missed it. She stifles a laugh as they run from one chamber to another to another, past columns and pools and guests, the guard close on their heels, adrenaline pumping like hypercharged jet fuel through Rose’s veins.

“Really, Doctor,” she laughs breathlessly as they run. “Nothing gets a girl all hot and bothered like a room full of records?”

“What’s that you said about canoodling?” the Doctor shoots back.

“I panicked!”

“Yes, that much is evident!”

The Doctor pulls Rose through chamber after chamber and the guard doesn’t lose sight of them once, his footfalls dogging them every step of the way. Fear and excitement braiding themselves together in Rose’s gut, she clings to the Doctor’s hand all that much harder, secretly relishing the mad rush of it all.

“Here,” announces the Doctor as they arrive at a huge curved wall, and a rap of his knuckles opens a doorway into one of the great halls, full to the rafters with guests and celebrants swirling about the place in some sort of ceremonial dance. Ducking beneath the wings of a large feathered guest, the Doctor draws Rose into the teeming crowd, away from the prying eyes of their pursuer. Once inside, Rose marvels at the sight all around them, celebrants moving and swaying to the ritualistic and rhythmic beating of drums pulsing beneath the soft flutter of winds and strings. The music swells and expands to fill the room, suffocating even the thought of space, cleaving to the dancers and adherents with an almost intoxicating closeness, leaving Rose dizzy as the drumbeat marches to the beat of her own hammering pulse. The celebrants surrounding her pull her in like an undercurrent, dancing to the beat in an elegant amoebic mass spinning and swirling beneath the lightning-split sky.

“Shall we dance?” Rose teases, half-expecting the Doctor to roll his eyes and snark at her again, but to her surprise, he nods. “Camouflage. Good thinking,” he says, pocketing his specs before stepping directly into the stream of guests, pulling Rose close.

Funny—Rose had sort of thought, when she’d ever allowed herself to think of such things, that if she and the Doctor ever transcended their unspoken boundary of clasped hands and too-tight hugs, then all that ever-present chemistry burning between them might fizzle out, doused like a candle at evening’s end. Not a bad thing, that; candles can’t burn forever, and when their spark has reduced to a gentle smolder, one can safely go to bed with a sense of ease and contentment, curling up for a comfortable and well-earned sleep. But with one of his hands guiding her round, the other clasping her close by the waist, pulling her chest against his, packing them both together so tightly she can feel each and every breath as it enters and leaves his body, it becomes apparent that no, that flame was not extinguished, it’s burning bright as ever, and probably has no chance of doing otherwise anytime soon. At least that would explain why Rose feels so warm all of a sudden, why her cheeks can’t seem to stop burning.

The Doctor spins her in time with dozens of other celebrants, elegantly following the steps of the dance as he scans the room for their pursuer, his glance aloof and oh-so-carefully casual. Distantly, Rose wonders whether he already knows this ritual dance or if he’s just stupidly good at improvising; presently, she’s too busy being distracted by the proximity of their bodies and the feel of his hands on her again to register much of anything else. She faces him again, pressed close once again, and he offers a grin. “Hello,” he says, and Rose remembers a similar sequence from before, a galaxy and a year ago. Almost feels like a lifetime, now.

“Hello,” she replies, a smile blossoming slow and sweet across her lips. She’s got no clue what steps she should be following right now but at least her time at court taught her how to fake it ‘til she makes it, if nothing else; she follows the Doctor’s lead with relative ease, laughing when she falters and her feet skip a beat along with her pulse. “Seem to be doing a lot of this lately, don’t we?”

“What, watching for guards while we stumble over our own feet?”

“Dancing, you great prat,” Rose laughs. A change in tempo means time to change partners and Rose switches off with a flourish, grinning disarmingly at the large rhinoceros-creature that glowers at her before taking her hand. (Though to be fair, Rose actually hasn’t got a clue whether it’s specifically shooting daggers at her, as glower seems to be the creature’s default state.) She twirls back into the Doctor’s arms afterward and there it is again, that heat, that electricity; the lightning flashing overhead has got nothing on the connection burning and buzzing between the two of them, Rose thinks.

“It’s nice,” she admits, her fingers nervously edging upward to fiddle with the lapels of his suit-jacket. “The dancing, I mean. We should do it more.”

The Doctor hums noncommittally.

“You don’t think so?”

“I don’t particularly think one way or the other, at the moment. I’m more preoccupied with our guard friend and wherever he might happen to be. I’ve sort of lost sight of him.”

“Right,” says Rose, nodding. There are other things at hand. Big things. Important things. Much bigger, more important things than the press of their bodies together, warm and close, soft and tense all at once, their clothes whispering against each other as they move, leaving Rose practically vibrating with anticipation, reminding her in full technicolor detail of everything they got up to the night before, his hands slipping beneath her dress, his lips on her skin, her mouth wrapped around his—

“It can’t happen again, you know.”

Shaking herself, Rose frowns. “Sorry?”

“Last night. What we did, what we said. It can’t happen again.”

“How did you know—you didn’t read my mind or something, did you?” Rose asks, startled.

The Doctor shakes his head. “Didn’t have to.”

“All right, I get it,” Rose sighs. “I know you like to tease about that sort of thing, humans and their silly animal instincts and all, but it only makes sense that it’s on my mind, Doctor. It only just happened last night. It’s not like I’m some crazed addict—not like it’s really the only thing I ever think about.”

“It’s on my mind too, Rose.”

“Oh.” Her cheeks reddening, Rose considers the implications of that, wonders what he’s thinking, if his recollections are anything as vivid as hers, what else is going through his mind right now. “Then…why?”

“As lovely as it might have been, it was ill-advised at best, dangerous at worst,” the Doctor explains, still scanning the room, and now Rose suspects he’s just using their pursuer as a convenient excuse to avoid looking at her. “And it’s dangerous precisely because it’s on my mind. It’s a distraction, and we can’t afford distractions. That’s how we end up in the predicament we’re in right now—it’s how things get overlooked, mistakes get made, people get hurt.”

Rose stops in her tracks, staring at him as the crowd bustles and sways around them; the Doctor stops as well, hands moving back to the safety of his own body, depositing themselves firmly in his pockets. “I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I know it’s not what you want to hear. I don’t particularly like saying it. If I had my way, we’d just pretend it never happened. I’m only saying anything now because, well, it seems prudent, and only fair in light of everything, to make certain my stance on the subject is clear.”

“And what about my stance on the subject?” Rose asks with a disbelieving laugh.

“It’s just a bad idea, Rose. You know it is.”

“No, I don’t,” Rose insists, crossing her arms protectively. “I don’t know that. Last night—”

“I just said last night was ill-advised.”

“You’re wrong,” says Rose. “You’re wrong about this whole thing. Cos you’re not worried about hurting other people. You’re worried about yourself.”

Frowning, the Doctor opens his mouth to protest, but Rose cuts him off with a hand wrapped round his arm, pulling him off to the side so they’re no longer buffeted by dancers and music and other things pounding mercilessly on their senses. Once they’re safely ensconced in a semi-private alcove, Rose sighs.

“Look, I know you’re lonely,” she says, and it hurts for the words to leave her mouth, almost as much, she thinks, as it hurts for him to hear them. “And I know that’s the biggest reason you keep any of us around. To fill the quiet. To make the universe seem new and bright again. To not feel so lonely anymore.”

The Doctor’s mouth twists unhappily and Rose has to force herself to continue. “And I’m happy to do that for you, I really am,” she says. “And if this is truly as far as you want things to go between the two of us, then that’s fine. If that’s what you really want and need, that’s fine. I won’t push you. But the thing is, it doesn’t seem like that’s true. It’s more like, you want things, but you think you shouldn’t have them. Like you don’t deserve them.”

The Doctor fidgets uncomfortably and Rose bites her lip in worry. Things were going so well just moments before—how did they end up back here, how are things already so tense and strained again? Not that she expected sex to really resolve anything, but last night, it had seemed like things were at least edging toward improvement. Why do they keep talking and working only to circle back round to the same bleak conclusion?

Well, while she’s pushing things, she might as well push all the way. No point in holding back, now.

“It isn’t just about the sex,” Rose says, and goodness, but she’s really blushing now. “But you do all these things—you make us feel special, like we’re exceptional, like we’re these bright spots you were so, so happy to find, and then on a dime, you turn right back around and make us feel like the lowest, smallest beings in the universe. You take us with you on these amazing adventures, and then when you’re done with us, you leave us behind. You pull us near only to run away when you realize just how close we’re getting. And we don’t get any say in the matter—when you’re done, you’re just done. And it hurts, Doctor, and it pushes people away. It’s only going to make you lonelier in the end.”

“You haven’t got a clue what it’s like to be truly alone,” the Doctor replies quietly.

“No, I don’t,” Rose agrees. “And I wish you didn’t either. Because you don’t have to.”

Wordlessly, the Doctor looks up and away, at anything in the room but her; Rose steps closer, reaching up to place a gentle hand on his cheek, a soft and undemanding plea for him to face her again.

“You help so many people,” she says. “Why won’t you let anyone help you?”

“I don’t need it,” the Doctor replies.

Rose arches an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Actually, I’ve changed my mind,” says the Doctor, pulling away so he can rock back on his heels. “I’ve got a definitive opinion on dancing after all. You’re right, it’s lovely, we should do it more. Starting right now. Right resolutely now, in case our little guard friend comes back to look for us again. Shall we?”

“How do you really feel about Reinette?” Rose asks, before she has a chance to talk herself out of it.

Now the Doctor stares at her. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Why are you asking about her again?”

“I want to know.”

“Does it matter?” he asks incredulously.

“It does to me.”

“Why on earth should it?”

“It just does.”

Casting about in disbelief, the Doctor scowls. “Fine. What do you want me to say—that I’m drawn to clever, accomplished people? I’m fascinated with them? That I admire talent and beauty and generally impressive people and places and things whenever and wherever I might find them? It’s all true, I won’t deny it, never have. And I don’t think I have to apologize for it, either.”

“Do you love her?”

The Doctor scoffs. “Really, of all the reductive and oversimplified things—and a ridiculous notion to boot,” he says, looking at Rose with that horrible you’ve just dribbled on your shirt look, the one that suggests he’s very displeased with her for exposing him to her silly brain and its silly limited capabilities. “It’s an impossible question to answer by your standards, because love means too many things for humans. You love your parents and your family and your friends, certainly, but you also love your dog and your favorite ice cream flavor and the latest big thing on telly. You love fashion and science and sleeping in to ungodly hours and apparently pestering me with idiotic questions. The word love means everything, therefore it means nothing. It’s a useless platitude, a saccharine sentimentalism invented purely for the sake of films and fairy tales and song lyrics sugary enough to give you a dozen cavities.”

“Cool,” says Rose drily, because when the defensive cynicism comes out in full force, that’s how she knows she’s really getting somewhere. “So are you gonna answer my question, or haven’t you got all of the usual insults out of your system yet?”

“No,” he says, throwing up his hands in defeat. “That’s your answer, all right? No. Fascination and admiration and even infatuation don’t automatically add up to love, and if you think they do, then you should reexamine your maths. And you’ll just have to forgive me if I don’t conform to your very human standards of what fondness and caring and romance should look like—I’m sorry I’m not in the habit of vomiting out my feelings at every available opportunity, or opening myself up to things that will only amount to a horrendous amount of pain in the end, or carving off chunks of myself to give to people left and right until there’s nothing left of me, nothing, nothing at all. I’m sorry. All right? And that’s it, that’s all I’m going to say on the matter, I’m done, Rose, I’m officially done.”

“Okay,” replies Rose.

Wide-eyed and staring, the Doctor blinks in surprise. “Okay? So that’s it? We can drop this now, move on?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?” he asks suspiciously.

“Really. I learned everything I need to know.”

“And what’s that?”

“You’re a coward.”

The Doctor doesn’t reply, just watches her sharply, brow furrowed in frustration and hurt.

“You can deny yourself all you want, hiding behind the whole curse of the Time Lords business or your self-righteous self-martyrdom or your magnificent higher calling or whatever other noble-sounding excuse you want to come up with,” Rose continues, offering a sad little smile. “But at the end of the day, really, I think you’re just afraid to be happy.”

“Oh, come on now, that’s just—”

“It’s like you think you don’t deserve it cos you had to make some impossible decisions, like joy is some kind of zero-sum game and anything good you might have is taking joy away from someone else somehow, or like you think the universe will punish you or something, and—and honestly, how self-centered is all that, anyway?—but, just, look. Is this something you want, or not?” asks Rose, exasperated. “Just tell me honestly. If you don’t want us to be anything more, if you’re happiest with us just being mates, that’s all right. I’ll respect your wishes. If that’s what you really want.”

“It doesn’t really matter what I want,” the Doctor mutters.

“Of course it does,” insists Rose. “Doctor—do you think that way about anyone else? Would you ever tell someone else that how they feel doesn’t matter?”

Again he doesn’t reply.

“What about me?” Rose tries again. “Do my feelings matter? Do you want me to be happy?”

“Of course. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Well, I want you to be happy,” Rose replies stubbornly. “It would make me happy to see you get what you want. Even if it’s not exactly the same thing I want. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else. It would make me very happy for you to know that. Yeah?”

Staring at her in dumbstruck silence, the Doctor swallows hard. His gaze shifts uncomfortably elsewhere, a hand carding through his hair as he considers—what he’s considering, Rose doesn’t know, but she worries about his next words, whether he’s weighing them, perhaps measuring the potential damage of them.

Rose hides a sigh of disappointment. It’s all too much for him, probably. She’s pushing him too much. She’s being unfair. This is too much to expect of him.

She can’t ask him to feel the same way she does.

“Look, Doctor. I just—” Rose starts to say, but he cuts her off with a hug, enveloping her in an embrace so tight it squeezes the breath right out of her. Her arms return the gesture on instinct, instantly wrapping round his waist and drawing the rest of her near so her face can burrow against his chest, her arms resting snugly against the small of his back. His double heartsbeat taps a reassuring rhythm beneath her cheek, thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump, and Rose relaxes a little, sighing in relief. Probably this is among the Doctor’s many hidden talents and gifts, this magical ability to hug and squeeze everything bad out of her until she’s left with nothing but quiet contentment. Or maybe that’s just how it feels anytime someone really needs an embrace and receives it. Either way, it’s a really fucking good hug.

“It’s not that simple,” the Doctor says softly. “But…thank you for saying it, anyway. It means a lot.”

“Yeah. I love you, you know.”

Her pulse racing in her ears, Rose’s voice is so small she thinks the Doctor might not even hear it—and maybe that would be just as well, anyway—but he stiffens, nodding. “I know,” he says quietly.

Stepping back, the Doctor casts his gaze downward, struggling to meet her eyes. “Rose, I—”

“Rose!”

On reflex, Rose’s head jerks at the sound of Mickey calling her name; she still watches the Doctor, waiting for whatever he was going to say, but his attention has already shifted, his focus switching in a millisecond.

Rose curses Mickey’s terrible timing. What was the Doctor going to say?

With a frustrated sigh, Rose turns to see Mickey swimming toward them through the crowd, Naami following close behind.

“Rose, we’ve done it!” Mickey says excitedly. “We’ve figured it out!”

“Figured what out?” asks Rose, lost.

“The conspiracy!” replies Mickey in hushed tones, glancing all about the chamber to ensure no one overhears. “The Doctor was right, something’s going on, but it’s not what you think—Naami, tell them!”

Naami nods, her face lit up in an eager grin. “So the High Chauncery hasn’t been seen in years, it’s true, but that actually isn’t too uncommon in his line of work, right?” she says, glancing from Rose to the Doctor and back. “As you know, Therran High Priests are renowned galaxywide for their scholarship and piety—”

“Of course we all knew that!” Mickey laughs nervously.

“—so of course, none of us ever questioned it. Priests might retreat into study at any time, for any reason, and they could be gone for any number of weeks or months or even, as in this case, years. But after the Doctor’s remarks on the High Chauncery’s absence, I thought I might ask round with some of my connections, just out of curiosity. We’re involved in imports, you see, so if the High Chauncery was bringing in new materials for study, then we’d be the first to know. But that’s just the thing—he hasn’t ordered any sort of religious texts for years now.”

“Because it turns out someone murdered him unceremoniously?” asks the Doctor.

“What? Of course not!” laughs Naami, daintily shielding her mouth with her hand. “Murder? Don’t be absurd!”

“Well, all right, then,” says the Doctor, nonplussed. “That’s unexpected. But certainly not unwelcome.”

“A nice change from the usual,” Rose adds.

“True, a very nice change.”

“That’s not the interesting thing, though! Tell them about the interesting thing, tell them what the High Chauncypants keeps bringing in,” urges Mickey.

Leaning in close, and whispering in a hushed tone, conspiratorial, like anyone around them might hear and gasp in shock, Naami tells them, “Giant mirrors, boatloads of argon, and silver iodide.”

Rose and the Doctor both blink in confusion. That’s not at all what Rose had expected to hear. She was thinking something more along the lines of illicit beasts or exotic drugs or, heck, at least some kind of rare spice. But this…this just sounds like a silly school science experiment, and honestly, after everything, that’s a little bit of a letdown.

“Oh, no,” says Rose awkwardly, glancing at Mickey with a shrug. “Not that stuff!”

She leans close to the Doctor to whisper, “What is that stuff?”

“Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say someone was building a big laser,” says the Doctor, frowning. “But I’m not certain how the silver iodide factors in, unless—”

“That’s them, over there!” a voice shouts over the din, and Rose turns at the noise to see their pursuer hovering at the edge of the crowd, pointing at her and the Doctor. Their single guard has been joined by several others, now, all of them staring in their direction. Staring, and grimacing, and brandishing a host of dangerous-looking, pointy weapons.

So much for that famous hospitality, Rose thinks with a gulp.

“Get them!” commands the guard.

“Split up!” Rose shouts as she pushes Mickey away with one hand, grabs the Doctor with another. Pulling the Doctor along, she bolts through the teeming crowd, ducking beneath arms and tentacles and wings; a glance back tells her that Mickey and Naami, though startled, have taken off running in the opposite direction. A half-dozen guards bridge the gap between them, shouting at the dancing celebrants to disperse as they break off to chase each pair.

“Here!” says Rose, pulling the Doctor between two huge elephantine aliens that sway to and fro over the floor, distracted both by the music and the guards’ continuous shouting. The guards struggle to catch up, stopped at every turn by errant celebrants and guests milling about the place in confusion, but after a lifetime of navigating London’s busy and tourist-filled streets, Rose has no problem weaving in and out of the throng, spotting a good-sized gap here, a narrow-but-tenable squeeze there. Before too long she’s drawn the Doctor out of the main hall and into a side corridor, their feet slapping hard against the marble floor as they sprint away from their pursuers.

“Not that way!” shouts the Doctor as they round a corner only to find more guards, and he yanks Rose off in another direction, guiding them both by the grace of his eidetic memory. They weave in and out of chamber after chamber, back through the dining hall and the menagerie and the pools and the garden, past shocked celebrants and shrieking animals and churning waters, lightning violently splitting the sky overhead as they run and their pursuers close in.

“What’ll happen if they catch us?” Rose gasps, throwing a look over her shoulder at the guards and their many, many weapons. And right at that second, as if someone was only waiting for her to ask, a shrill squeal fills the air and suddenly the Doctor is yanking Rose to the side just in time to avoid a barrage of blaster-fire, smacking the wall right beside her and leaving a smoldering crater behind in its wake. Rose lets out a cry as blaster fire rings out all around them, exploding the walls all around and the floor at their feet, filling the air with smoke and shrapnel. Another barrage of fire and Rose feels a beam graze her shirt, its scalding heat missing her skin by mere millimeters.

Heart hammering, air burning in her lungs, Rose wills her legs to run faster.

They sprint round another curve only to reach a dead end. The Doctor halts in his tracks, his grip tightening round Rose’s hand as they both skid over the floor. Rose watches as the Doctor whips back round to face the guards, glances back at the dead end in front of them, brow furrowing as he frantically tries to calculate.

Oh, god. That face. It’s been six months but Rose still recognizes that face. It’s the Doctor’s we’re gonna have to do something supremely stupid and hope for the best face. His we might die, but then again, we might not face.

“Doctor—” Rose starts to say, but, jaw set in determination, he doesn’t say anything, just takes off again for the far wall, yanking Rose along with him.

“No!” shout the guards behind them, their voices high and shrill over their clattering boots and firing blasters. “Halt!”

They reach the wall and Doctor raps a desperate beat against it until it springs open, a doorway parting to reveal a tempest of howling winds and punishing rains roaring loud enough to drown even the sounds of blaster fire all around them. Water and hail scream down in sheets, buffeted by the winds and hammering against the ground like shards of glass on pavement. Thunder pounding relentlessly overhead, the pitch black of the sky and the air are illuminated only by the beams of light piercing the sky, flooding the world in a flash of blinding-white and blood-red.

The Allstorm, Rose realizes, and she shrinks back in fear. She opens her mouth to plead with the Doctor, but terror has crept up her throat and stolen her words.

Pausing only long enough to steel himself with a steadying breath, the Doctor steps through the door, and Rose follows him into the storm.

 ***

Next Part (forthcoming)

[musingsofanewbienurse]

Transitioning to Veganism

In January 2019 I decided to take part in veganuary with the intention of being fully vegan afterward (bar what was already in my cupboard and needed eating up). It wasn’t a sudden decision, in fact, it had been a gradual choice that I had been considering for months at this point. I had been vegetarian since July 2017 and had been gradually decreasing my intake of animal products so that by the end of 2018 my diet was 80-90% plant based already. I had been avoiding dairy for the most part anyway as it causes my skin to break out badly and cheese was an expensive luxury on a furgal university budget. The only thing that really let me down in that aspect was when I ate out or by not checking labels.

Like most people I had watched the world-famous Netflix document ‘What the Health’ in the spring of 2017 and that was probably one of the first major catalyst that lead to me analysing and changing my diet. I had grown up on a small, rural island off the mainland of England, one of its main agricultures being farming. Every-day I would see cows and sheep grazing in fields both outside my bedroom window and on the way to school, I saw these animals had a good quality of life (in a way that they do not always in larger areas of Britain and the US), and like many people, never really questioned the connection between that and my dinner plate.

I was also notoriously fussy, and although I liked most varieties of meat, the same could not be said of vegetables. In fact I hated every single one until I was 16 and then I could just about stomach carrots. A healthy diet I did not have, despite how much my parents tried to push otherwise. Going vegetarian was simply not a viable option for me back then; but on joining university I started to cook for myself and my taste matured, leading me to today, where I now love 99% of veg (broccoli is legitimately my favourite food) and it makes up the bulk of my diet.

It meant, that when I watched the documentary I was able to genuinely consider becoming vegetarian, and started to slowly phase meat out of my diet. Even then, I knew that ultimately I did want to become vegan, after seeing the impact the meat and dairy industry has on our health*, the environment and on the animals who are subjected to it. But I wanted to do it the right way and for the long-term. If I cut out everything at once I knew after a week or two I would revert back to my usual diet, my body craving things that had always been present. I also wanted to be educated about things I substituted meat for; I go to the gym regularly and I wanted to know that what I was eating would have a good variety of nutrients. And most importantly, I didn’t want my mental health to suffer.

Like most young women growing up in this century I have had issues with food and my body. Although I have never received any formal help or diagnosis I definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food, especially in my mid-teens, though even now some days are harder than others. For the most part I am a lot better, but I was wary that if I suddenly cut out a lot of different foods and placed a lot of restrictive rules on my diet that I would be taking a huge step backwards, that I would go back to obsessing over every little thing that I eat. I didn’t want to sacrifice my health and knew that if I was to do this safely, then gradually converting my diet was the only answer.

And that is what I did. First it was dairy milk, an easy swap as there are so many alternatives on the market. I mainly go for soya at home because it’s the cheapest and I really don’t need anything fancy in my bowl of porridge, but oat is by far my favourite and go-to when I’ve gone out for a coffee.

Eggs was one of the biggest changes. In my second year of uni I had eggs for breakfast nearly everyday that I wasn’t on placement, and I genuinely didn’t see myself as able to give them up. But in third year I found a love of porridge and overnight oats, or tofu scramble if I fancied something closer to what I usually had eaten. And eventually I was only having eggs when eating out, there is nothing nicer than an eggs benedict (and if anyone can link me to a good vegan recipe for it, I will love them forever).

Like I previously mentioned, cheese wasn’t a large part of my diet, because as a university student it just wasn’t worth budgeting for. I’ve never had a problem with any of the vegan alternatives I’ve tried, though this may be because I ate cheese so rarely that I couldn’t really directly compare the two.

Chocolate, the crux for many people, was a big one. “But how do you live without chocolate?” I’m normally asked by my horrified coworkers, and the answer is that I don’t. In fact, I probably have it in some form everyday, it just took a bit of getting used to looking for the vegan friendly alternatives in tescos. But there are plenty, and even some of the major brands are accidently vegan (looking at you bourbons).

Eventually it just left occasions where I was eating out (laziness would sometimes lead to me choosing the vegetarian option, and other times it was simply because that was what I wanted to eat), and items where I had not checked the label for hidden ingredients. Milk powder is in bloody everything, and if it’s not that, it’s normally eggs. Quorn in particular is well-known for this, though their vegan range is steadily growing.

By December 2018 I felt ready to take on Veganuary. I no longer felt like my diet, or lifestyle would be negatively impacted by it and I saw it as a great chance to draw a line under the sand. When speaking to my dad on the phone two weeks in he asked if I was struggling yet. And honestly? I hadn’t even noticed, as there had been so few occasions where I would have chosen the non-vegan option anyway. To me it just made sense that after January I continued to eat plant based, and now, at the end of February I haven’t regretted it once. I am a giant advocator of eating a vegan diet. I feel so much healthier than when I ate meat, am more active than ever and can’t remember the last time I fell ill. I do understand it’s not possible for everyone, people who have had or have eating disorders may definitely struggle, and placing a load of rules on what they can and can’t eat wouldn’t be beneficial to their mental health in the slightest (just as it wouldn’t have been for me once upon a time).

I also understand that if you’re not educated about nutrition and the aspects of a healthy diet, then becoming vegetarian/vegan doesn’t automatically mean you’ll be any healthier, especially with the wide range of plant based foods and meals now out in supermarkets (I’m not berating any of these releases in the slightest, it’s amazing to see so many options and makes it a lot more accessible than it once was, it just means navigating for a healthy option isn’t always the easiest thing). Being vegan is still a privilege, I only have to support myself on my wage and it leaves plenty of room to opt for the more expensive meat alternatives and keep my diet balanced. A single parent with two kids however doesn’t have this option, and places like Lidl and Aldi are brilliant for selling a large quantity of meat for a relatively low price.  

But reducing your meat and animal product intake is good for the planet, and I do think that every little thing, whether that be partaking in Meatless Monday or swapping dairy milk for soya helps. No-one has to be perfect or commit to the most severe of changes, especially if they feel it is what they should do because Instagram told them to, but making a substitution here and there helps massively.

*I am not saying that meat and dairy cannot make up a healthy diet, though like anything in large quantities it isn’t beneficial. There is also plenty of evidence against cows milk and how we digest it. In early 2019 the Eat-Lancet commission (linked below) was published, outlining global targets for the world population to achieve a healthy, nutritionally balanced diet whilst keeping food production sustainable. The diet consists mainly of fruit, vegetables, grains and legumes, with a small amount of meat and fish. It is fairly similar to the Mediterranean diet, and emphasises that you don’t need to cut all animal products out, but reducing them would be highly beneficial on a number of levels!

Walter, W., Rockstrom, J., Loken, B. et al (2019) Food in the Anthropocene: the EAT-Lancet Commission on Healthy Diets from Sustainable Food Products. The Lancet. [online] Available at: https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(18)31788-4/fulltext#seccestitle10

[randomkpopfaketexts]

Magic Trick

Requested by @pxisonedparty: Hi! I was wondering if you could write a Qian Kun scenario? Maybe him confessing to you or an angst of him telling you he's fallen out of love. There are so little Kun related posts :( our boy deserves more recognition! I can't wait for NCT China's debut!!!!

IVE HAD THIS IDEA FOR A WHILE AND DAMN LET ME TELL YOU YOU JUST GAVE ME A REASON TO WRITE IT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REQUESTING THIS

Also here’s a link to my NCT Masterlist! I have a small miniseries for Kun that’s a text scenario.

Also don’t worry too much! I’ll be writing that angst one soon!😏

Theme: Fluff, tiny bit of angst

Warnings: cheesy ass fluff and confession

You sat with your group in your practice room giggling amongst yourselves as you picked at your food. You’d been working hard all morning, learning new choreography, and hadn’t had time to eat breakfast so this was a saving grace for all of you.

In fact you had been working so hard all morning that you and all of your other members had neglected your phones for the past five or six hours. So you had no idea that your phone had been blowing up with messages from various members of NCT, your senior group whom you and all you members were really good friends with, were trying to figure out where you had been all morning.

Your giggles were interrupted by your practice room door opening and Johnny’s head peeking in. A confused look on his face until he spots you, then a grin formed.

“I found her!” He shouts over his shoulder, you exchange looks with your members. Each one of you just as confused as the other.

“What is going- Kun!” You shout, smiling as your best friend steps into the practice room timidly. You stand up and rush around the circle of girls and towards him, throwing your arms around his neck and hugging him tight. This was your first time seeing him since he returned from attending a graduation ceremony in China.

You missed your best friend and it had only been a week.

You pull away from him slightly, his hands resting on your hips as you admired his soft smile close up.

“You weren’t answering your phone.” He states, frowning. You remove your hands from his shoulders and poke you fingers onto either side of his face attempting to make him smile again.

“I’ve been practicing all morning. This is the first real break I’ve had and I’ve been stuffing my face since I missed breakfast.”

He smiles and grabs your hands, preventing you from playing with his face anymore, “Have you eaten enough?”

You think for a minute then nod your head, he looks to your leader and says, “I’m going to borrow her for a minute. I’ll bring her back,” before dragging you away.

“Where are we going?” You ask as you pass various people in the hallway of the SM building, including many members of NCT who only smirk or smile in your direction.

“To the NCT practice room.”

“But whyyyyyy?” You drag out the word as he shuts the door behind you after you had entered the room, no other soul in sight.

“Stop pouting Y/N.” He smiles down at you, his hands finding your shoulders as he turns you around to see a blanket set in the middle of the room with various types of sweets thrown about, mainly your favorites.

“Aw! Kun!” You speak excitedly, looking over your shoulder at him, your face warm from the sweet and caring gesture from him. “What’s all of this for?”

“I figured… you’ve been working so hard, and its been about a week since we saw each other, and thats the longest we’ve gone, that we needed a little moment together.” He pushed you lightly, wanting you to move to take a seat on the blanket. “Just the two of us.”

He shoves his hands into the pocket of his hoodie keeping them there as the two of you sit. He watches as you peel open a pack of cookies, and pull one out to munch on it quietly.

“Stop watching me eat,” you giggle attempting to hide your face once you realize he’s staring at you with a smile on his face. You peek at him between your hands, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. Do you want to see a magic trick?”

You perk up immediately. “Yes please!”

He pulls a deck of cards out of his hoodie pocket, going about shuffling them and preparing to show you a trick. The same one he did in the vlive with all members of NCT 2018.

Slowly he goes through the trick, passing every so often for you keep up as you get distracted by finding another sweet to eat.

As you near the end of the trick, he snaps his fingers over the cards, ready to reveal the new faces of the card just as he had done in the vlive.

“Ready?”

You nod excitedly, your legs drawn up to your chest, and your chin resting on your knees.

The flip of the first card reveals an aesthetic photo he had taken of you.

The flip of the second reveals an aesthetic photo you had taken of him.

The flip of the third reveals one of many pictures of you together.

The grin on your face is uncontrollable now as he lifts the third one and reveals the ace to you. He shakes the card back and forth, watching you as you shift to sit on your knees.

Your body moving to lean over the cards, your hearts both racing. Yours in anticipation. His in nervousness as to what he was about to reveal to you. You look up and notice the nervousness on his face as your eyes meet and he flips the fourth and final card over to lay it next to the others.

“Are you okay?” You asking not looking at the card yet.

“Just look.”

I love you was written on the card, the final reveal and big confession. The grin on your face was wide, your heart pounding against your ribcage. Your face burning with happiness.

Kun remained unmoving, your face hidden by a curtain of your hair as he waited for your response to his well thought out confession. He thought from the very beginning when Johnny, Ten, Taeil, and Taeyong began helping him plan this, that he had nothing to worry about because they were so confident that you loved him too.

But now as you remained silent and unmoving he began to believe otherwise. He sighed after a few more minutes of no response and swiped the cards up and into the deck in his hand.

His sudden movement startled you and you look up at him in shock, tears streaming down your face. And suddenly he forgot your silence and dropped the deck.

“Y/N, what did I do wrong?” He began apologizing to you and you laughed a little, still crying. He stopped and frown at you.

“Kun stop frowning. I like it when you smile better.”

“Then don’t laugh at me and my pitiful excuse of a confession…” He looks away and settles to sit on his butt instead of his knees.

“It wasn’t pitiful.” You tilt your head to the side. “I loved it. Its memorable and something I’m going to hold on to forever Kun. Especially as long as I’m with you… Its the nicest, most thoughtful thing that has ever been done for me.”

He looks up at you, searching for any sign of a lie.

“I mean what I say Kun. I love you.” You hold your arms open for him, and he scoots over to you, pushing sweets and cards out of the way. You were to the side of him, on your knees. He sat on his butt, legs stretched out in from of him as he leaned forward and towards you. He wraps his arms round your waist, tugging you into his lap as your arms go around his neck. Your faces burying into each others necks.

“I love you.”

[stuckonbts]

Fix you

Jimin x reader

Summary: you both have been in a relationship for some time and you notice a drastic change in him

Warnings: deals with ideas of anorexia and insecurities

Genre: fluff/drama

Words: 2.8K

I hope you enjoy my first write on here :)

~

It's been about three months with you and Jimin being flatmates, and another 6 of being together. Jimin loved you with everything he had in him and you knew that from every little to big thing he has ever done.

But in the last 3 months you've noticed how he began to change. Seeing him everyday really revealed it to you, he still treated you like the God hand placed stars in your eyes but you could tell something was wrong. You've seen him staring at the mirror in two to three outfits before going somewhere and each one looked amazing on him.

He stood in front of the mirror a fourth time with ripped jeans and a black loose long sleeve. He had ran his hands through his hair so many times it began to lose its shape and you saw his eyes glossing over. Finally having enough and now realizing this was more than just an outfit to him you went to him.

He was startled to feel your arms go around him from behind so quickly and you felt him tense up.

“I'm not sure what's going on, but I hope you know how amazing you look in my eyes.” You said to him while resting your head on the back of his shoulder. His head fell back a bit and you heard a sharp intake of breath.

“I love you.” He said quietly and turning around to hug you properly.

As much as you wished it had stopped, this continued on. You became used to waking up to a cold bed with a little sticky note saying he went for a run and he loves you.

You both were still in college and your first lecture wasn't until 9, and he didn't have one that day so you decided to make you both breakfast for when he came back.

“Babe I made breakfast” you said happily as he came in through the door.

While you were still putting it on a plate he kissed your lips “can I save it? I'll put it in the microwave I just want to shower really quick”

You nodded not thinking anything of it and put his plate in the microwave so it could stay warm while he showered. You finished your breakfast quickly and left to your lecture with a yell to jimin that you were leaving.

After the lecture you grabbed a coffee with one of your friends and finished some short assignments at the coffee shop.

You got home in the later part of the afternoon to walking and hear his music playing. Not obnoxiously loud but you heard it. And absentmindedly you looked over to out your keys on the counter and saw that there was still a plate in the microwave. The pile of dishes you created this morning were now clean and put away and the mess in the kitchen was gone.

He hasn't eaten today.

"Jiminie,” you called for him. He was in the living room doing sit ups but stopped once he saw you and smiled.

“Hi!” He said overly happy. He looked like a puppy. You walked over to him and sat next to him on the floor.

"How was your day? Thank you for cleaning the kitchen by the way” you said to him while talking his hand in yours and kissing it.

“It's not a problem. I just wanted to make sure you had time for me after lectures. Or other stuff you wanted to do, I mean you don't have to hang out with me, although id like it if you did but I did it so you didn't feel so overwhelmed when you came ho-” you cut him off from his rambles with your hand.

“Jimin, you do know I like being around you right?” He nodded with a grin on his face “so don't go on a nervous ramble about me hanging out with you because you know I will” he nodded again.

"Then~ you wouldn't mind watching a movie with me right?” He asked

“I swear if it's train to Busan again-”

“Please”

“Ugh fine. But your having dinner with me, I'm starving”

He smiled and kissed your cheek and agreed to have dinner with you. You both agreed on pizza delivery but needless to say, he barely ate a slice.

This continued on for the next week in which he was extremely conscious of his food intake and barely ate anything. He drank plenty of water but things started to get serious when he became lightheaded two to three times a day.

You even went as far as to call his mom and ask her what his favorite dishes were so he could eat, and he still barely touched them. He was losing weight inhumanly fast and his close were becoming baggier on him.

You've brought it to his attention that you were worried, but he just brushed it off and it lead you guys to fighting.

"Jimin this isn't good,” you told him.

"Love, I'm okay, I'm just not very hungry.”

“Bullshit! You don't think I don't hear your stomach at night?! You think I don't see you rush to balance yourself when your lightheaded? Do you think this is okay?”

“I'm fine, drop it.” he said and his irritability with you was evident because of this conversation.

“I can't drop it! Do you know how hard it is to see the person I love suffering like this? I know your suffering jimin and I don't know why your not talking to me.”

“Because I can't! If I did you wouldn't let me do this.” He grabbed his car keys and opened the front door “just leave me alone right now, I'll be back later.”

“No!” He stopped in his tracks as he heard your voice break through what you were saying. “I don't want you to end up in the hospital Jimin, your gonna get hurt and I can't… I can't…” You heard him breath but he still shut the door behind him.

You want to bed alone that night. Although you couldn't sleep. You'd be lying if you said you were crying all night because you weren't. You were just worried, laying on your side as the anxiety built up that something had happened to him because now it was 2 am and he still wasn't home. You did start to cry when his phone went to voicemail after you tried him and it didn't work.

In the middle of your crying you felt the bed dip on his side and it just made your feeling worse. You cried harder but kept as quiet as you could and you felt his arm wrap around your waist and pull you close to him.

He still had his jeans on and you felt it against your legs. He nuzzled his face close to your neck and kissed you there.

“I'm so sorry” he whispered to you and kisses you again. His hold on you grew tighter and you felt a wetness on your neck. You weren't the only one hurting and if anything, you knew he was hurting so much more than you were.

You didn't think that what you were fearing would happen the following day - and to a much larger scale. You didn't think you'd be sitting in the back of an ambulance holding jimin's hand while he was breathing through an oxygen mask, still unconscious.

In the morning he woke up early to cook you both breakfast. He was going to eat with you, he was going to enjoy you again how he had before. But when you woke up because of the smell of something burning you ran to the kitchen to see jimin passed out on the ground and the stove still on with pancake batter in a pan.

He wasn't responsive to you at all and his pulse wasn't as strong as it should have been. How long has it been since he's eaten? You called 911 and that's how you found yourself here.

He was given a room and put on an IV like all other patients. The doctors have him vitamin supplements which were given to him through the IV as well because he was very malnourished.

"Are you Mrs. Park?” A nurse asked you.

“Oh no I'm just his girlfriend”

“Well, you are written on his emergency contact information so be prepared,” you nodded your head and rubbed your eyes feeling the weight of your exhaustion getting to you “Hes severely fatigued and he's developed a case of anorexia.”

You pretty much knew things would lead to this, you knew that If things didn't stop this was going to happen, you just weren't aware of how soon it came around. You couldn't stop it, you couldn't save him from this.

“So how do we move forward from here?” You asked biting your nails as you felt your eyes still being glossy from earlier but not crying.

“He's going to have to go to a rehab center, there's records of him being underweight but no one ever knew he was deliberately trying to lose weight because it never went to a severe extent.” She explained

You nodded again “can I see him yet?”

She gave you a small smile and motioned for you to follow her to his room. Once you got there she opened the door for you and let you in.

You sat in the chair next to his bed and grabbed his hand in yours. You were able to get a good look at him now. See that he was paler, his wrists were skinny and his arms were bony. Even his cheeks were gone, the adorable things you loved so much that you kissed over and over again in the past.

He was weak and you couldn't be his strength.

You felt his hand squeeze on yours and you looked up to see his eyes open.

“Hey,” you said first

“Hi.” He whispered.

You looked back down at your intertwined hands and took in a shaky breath. “I couldn't save you from this” you started.

"It wasn't your fault… I did this to myself” he said.

"Why Jimin?”

“I wanted to be good enough.” You shot your head to him and he knew you were confused. “I never felt content with myself, I always knew I could be better, I could be what people wanted I could be wanted.”

“I want you Jimin” you said to him.

“That's what I was afraid of, I was afraid that you would see my imperfections and you would start to hate them. Start to hate me. I didn't want to lose you, I was so afraid I'd lose you because I was so imperfect and I love you so much that I didn't want that. I was scared of that.”

He was crying to you at this point. You had dropped your head on top of both your hands and cried with him. He did this because of you, he put himself in this situation because of you.

“Jimin…” You knew that you had to let him heal himself, he needed to know that he was worth every piece of you. That he didn't have to change because to you he was what you wanted, he didn't have to do anything different. But you couldn't relay that to him. He needed to learn this himself, he needed to learn to love himself.

"You're worth everything I can give you,” you explained to him. “You're worth everything and so much more” you kissed his hand. “No matter how long it is, I'm going to wait for you. I will always wait for you.”

You spent that day by his side knowing it would be your last for a long time. You told the nurse you talked to before to let you know every piece of information she could about the rehab center he was leaving to. Jimin knew he was going, and he knew you would be the one to pack him a suitcase.

This was what he didn't want, he didn't want you to go away, he wanted you with him anywhere and everywhere. But he knew you felt that all this was your fault, and he knew that you, more than anything, wanted him to know he never needed to change himself for somebody else. Especially you.

He was gone for seven months. He was only supposed to stay for four but the doctors there didn't want him to relapse to this again.

Mrs. Park and I have met up a few times since him going away, she's had contact with him, but on his request we haven't spoken. She's told me that he's doing better and he's gaining his strength back. He's eating and seeing therapists. His college studies were temporarily moved to online and the center still updates you on him. His mom told you more than once that he talks about you anytime they speak. He asks if I'm okay, if classes are alright and I'm taking care of myself. He's said he misses you.

Being away from him so long was hard on you, the first month you dragged yourself through the day, and got everything you needed done on autopilot. You went to see your mom a few times and that helped you when some days it just wasn't as manageable as others.

It was 5 pm and you were watching an episode of ‘Running Man’ in one of Jimin's t-shirts that you took from him because you loved it so much.

A knock at your door moved your thoughts away from the show, you reached for your wallet to grab a twenty out of it as you walked to the door. You earlier ordered Chinese because you were simply too lazy to cook tonight. All your class work had been finished for the night and you just wanted to enjoy your time as much as you could.

“Hi how much is it?” You asked as you opened the door and searched your wallet for money because for some reason your wallet was empty. “Umm..” you looked up across the counter to grab your bag and finally found the twenty in the side pocket.

You turned your head towards the front door and stopped in your tracks as your hand was holding the twenty towards him.

“Jimin…” You breathed and put your arm down.

“I'm back” he smiled at you. He was in front of you, your jimin who was tanned and gorgeous and not sick anymore. He was glowing and he radiated his happiness.

You took two steps to him and raised yourself on your tiptoes to wrap your arms around his neck. He didn't waste time putting his arms around your waist and pushing you against him. He was warm.

“I missed you so much, I waited I swear your mom knows I did i've been seeing her and-” you spoke quickly to him as you guys still hugged and he quieted you to stop you from rambling. He pulled you a few centimeters away from him so he could see your face once again.

“I know,” he brought a hand from you waist to place a piece of hair behind your ear. “I have no doubt in my mind you did.” He looked straight at you and kiss your forehead “I missed you too”

That night you both enjoyed Chinese together while you helped unpack his clothes. You missed him. You missed this.

You both didn't go to bed until late because of how much you were talking. Catching up and telling eachother of your time apart despite what hell it had put you through.

For the first time in months, you went to sleep with him wrapped around you and didn't wake up to the bed being cold.

[psychostrilondes]

HI IM GONNA WRITE MORE davekat because im disgustin

i made this little babie post that said like, dave hides in cramped little spaces like closets and laundry rooms sometimes and needs to be coaxed out, and ye!! its mostly when hes close to his version of panic over a delusion, oh no, oh no im not safe, where is, i cant find it, i need, i cant, everyones looking to kill me, im horrible, ive failed and im still failing, things like that? all hidden behind his flat mouth expression and No Words, and when it gets really bad the expression doesnt change at all but maybe he starts crying with how pent-up afraid he is and has to dip three fingers behind his shades to wipe the tears onto the sleeve of his god pjs , and, something has to Happen, and if theres no way to fight whats happening, and no one is around right now like its the middle of the night, the only option is to hide??

so imagine at like 4 am on the meteor or even in his lil house on earth c or just wherever, dave stalking down the hallways with his 1/2swordkind in his hands, clutched so freakin tight, and hes Cool and doesnt have much adrenaline even though hes scared bc he knows he needs to stay calm to fight if something jumps out at him, and there are so many perceived threats even though hes maybe actually totally safe, and hes on guard while he walks to ,,,, somewhere? anywhere thats more unfamiliar and cramped than his room, because whatevers stalking him would obviously know to check his bedroom for the man himself, so maybe he goes to the little walk-in food pantry they’ve got and shuffles aside some big bags of whatever of makeshift storage to hide behind them, or like, hides way back behind the laundry machines and, wherever, he curls up really tight with his knees to his chest and his specibus tucked away and ready to be drawn in a split second should he need it, and he’s so used to hunkering down in weird spots from his childhood, ugh, its just too natural and too bringing-back-memories, ugh, dangit

so he just kind of sits back there, totally hidden, and lets his adrenaline build up and he starts trembling and just kinds of , waits, for the feeling to pass, might , take a while , ah

and karkat and him have had this routine that he’s foregone today in favor of heavy dissociation, karkat hangs out in the main room with a book he’s reading and waits for dave to wake up even though dave wakes up like two or three hours after he does, its cool, he can use the reading time? its no big deal? its a big book anyways, but then, it’s four hours that hes been hanging out in the common room, and then five, and um, hes getting bored of reading, like u cant just read forever hehe

after five and a half hours he decides to go over to daves block and just wake him the heck up, itd be kinda cute to see him all sleepy and he totally has this image of messy-haired shadeless dave in his head, and hes kind of in a good mood, and he knocks, and theres obviously no answer so he punches in dave’s doors password like its nothing, nbd, and daves literally just

not in there

wtf ,,,, there goes his good mood hehe dave just Doesnt skip their whole eating breakfast together in the morning thing, either theyre about to argue or somethings kinda wrong?? is dave hurt or something?? did he get kidnapped by somebody on his way to the bathroom?? he laughs a little, and over the next hour he asks around for dave and gets a thorough “nuh uh” answer from just about everybody, and then, um, where the heck is dave. where’d he go.

after asking literally everybody he asks rose and kanaya last and kanaya sort of looks really worried?? oh no,, rose explains to him with equal worrie that maybe dave isnt feeling well, and we’ll keep an eye out, but she’s being freaking cryptic in the way karkat hates about her and he just leaves without unendingly pressing her about it bc he knows its useless by now lol

so for the next hour and a half hes just. looking where dave usually likes to go

dave isnt at any of his favorite spots, and if its earth c he even asks daves favorite cafe’s baristas if theyve seen him yet, and they say no, and its literally the afternoon?? um?? ugh

he’s gone freaking everywhere and karkat just ends up back at home or back where he started and he just ,,,,,, doesnt know what to do

its been hours and hours, its almost been like, all day, and karkat misses him, damniiiiiit, hes so sad :( in his Misery he wanders down the hall to make something to eat since he literally hasnt eaten , he ................... sees daves red outfit in the dark from where hes hiding under the shelving.........

wow , he just has this little second, like “um,” and he has this second to look and see his knees to his chest and his hands still clutching his hair, sort of frozen like that, and karkat crouches and says “dave..?” and dave startles and his hands re-clutch into white hair and oh no, oh god its happening, its happening im gonna die, oh no, this is just and im gonna be gone oh no fuck fuck and he cant stop some more tears from just Pouring omfg and he kicks out his cover, a big tub of whatever miscellaneous, and his 1/2swordkind is back in his hands and shielding his body from karkat, and karkat says “hey, whoa” and holds up his empty hands, “its just me dave, karkat, its karkat” and dave doesnt move, and his mouth is in a grimace, he totally just, caught that hes holding up his sword at his boyfriend?? karkat?? karkat’s here, this is karkat he’s looking at, and karkat just watches him, and settles a little when dave does, and his sword lowers a little as he falters, um, and he realizes he made a mistake, wtf omg

hahaha umm, but hes still so sure karkat is here to kill him maybe?? that might actually happen ,,, so dave does lower his sword and set it aside VERY slowly and cautiously without turning his eyes away from karkat, but he doesnt move from where he is , um,

and karkat settles out of his crouch and sits down on the floor there, and like, “have u been hiding here the whole time?” and dave stares at him like hes surprised karkats here?!?!?!?!? when did karkat get here wtf

an hes dissociating out of his darn mind, like it feels like hes been hiding behind this big box for years,,,,, and most of him feels like hes vulnerable with the box pushed out and away and he has to cover himself back up in case Someone Else comes in, and part of him is so happy his boyfriends here, karkat can make it safe, when he was upset earlier karkat was asleep and he couldn’t verbalize his emotions to wake him up or anything, omg, and dave just stares at him a whole bunch without even blinking, just taking in that his boyfriends here >w< dangit that would personally make me so happy too arg 

karkat asks if he ate anything today, and asks when dave started hiding in here, and dave cant even process what hes saying to him but its okay!! karkat says, if you come out we can grab some food, i bet youre hungry right? and dave totally realizes that the cramps in his middle are actually from not having eaten and not from internal stomach insects and it must be really late in the day? and dave nods a little, and thats really good, really good that hes responding, honestly its been more than 12 hours and his back hurts really bad and his butts Beyond Numb and he could really use a blanket and a bowl of cereal .......

so karkat inches into dave’s hiding spot with him, sort of over the course of their conversation, and then by the time dave’s nodding or shaking his head to his questions karkat is back there in the dark with him, and he comments on how cramped it is back here what the heck?? how are u not atrophied?? and literally within One Minute dave is hugging him, he even initiates it because dave is a total cuddle monster, and they just sort of hug for a little while , and 

theyre so cute :(

karkat instructs dave to shuffle out of there with him, and he helps dave up and supports his weight for a minute because his joints Freaking Hurt, and he holds him up until dave stops trembling and then they hold hands together really tightly and go and make something easy to eat like cereal or hot pockets or what ever

and then they eat the hot pockets

and its good

and dave still isnt talking but thats cool, hes still a little fragile, but its ok, dave is nodding and tapping his fingertips silently on his thigh and maybe he’s not feeling it yet but hes warming up, karkat can make up for the other half of silence , its really nice to get food in him, and within the next hour he says “what the hell, karkat” and then “you’d think they’d know how to make those” and its clear dave is gettin back in the swing of things :p 

and that is the story of dave spending 16 hours hiding in a food pantry ... thnk u im garbage

[voidwizerd-archive]

[[ “What the hell is a Kankri?” Wiz Lalonde, prior to realizing a Mista k e

part one of Wiz/Kankri logs from yesterday and today ]]

valorousimperial Mm........ I don't understand.

wiz-texts um im sorry i think u have th wrong account who r u??? u seem confused bout somethin i hope u get in contact w th person ur tryin to reach they prolly got th answers ur lookin fr

valorousimperial I don't think anyone has the answers I'm looking for. They died with your memory of me. Enjoy that unmarked body.

wiz-texts wait. what??? im sorry i dont kno who u r also i havent posted *nothin* bout an unmarked body how th fuck do u kno bout that????

valorousimperial Well, up to last light, we WERE quadranted. I've seen you naked a few times.

wiz-texts okay..... that is bullshit, n u r confused. i may have bad memory but not *that* bad

valorousimperial Wiz Lalonde you cannot possibly have forgotten the stipulations of the deal you made.

valorousimperial ...I'm Kankri.

wiz-texts ...i forgot you i. how could i have im so sorry i dont understand whats happenin

valorousimperial Makes two of us.

wiz-texts im so sorry no that. that prolly dont mean shit. fuck.

valorousimperial ... Not really. No.

wiz-texts Lilac n Red are tellin me not to run away, n i wont, but this is your home im in, apparently

valorousimperial A couple of nights ago, it was your home, too.

wiz-texts i wont stay here if you dont want me to. after what i jus did... fuck, i wouldnt blame you one second for tellin me to leave

wiz-texts ...it still feels like it is

wiz-texts i, im sorry. ill keep my thoughts to myself do.... do you want me to go?

valorousimperial No I'm glad this is still your home

valorousimperial Everyone keeps telling me this will... Get better. I don't know how. But it won't happen if I make you leave.

wiz-texts theyre tellin me that too i dont see how

wiz-texts im so sorry. im so sorry for hurtin you. im so sorry for all of this i wish i could give you th answers and i wish i could make everythin better im sorry

valorousimperial It hurts

[[ Hours In The Future, But Not Many... ]]

valorousimperial Anyway, I thought you should know that those are my teeth.

wiz-texts *fuck* im im sorry i kept holdin it because it felt nice should i not..?????? im sorry

valorousimperial No it

valorousimperial Actually Really comforts me to hear that You did that before. When you were stressed.

wiz-texts i did...? it does feel nice. anchorin but what i did, i shouldnt......

valorousimperial It's fine.

wiz-texts doesnt seem that way fuck, i. am i supposed to talk to you? not talk to you???? i dont know

wiz-texts i dont want to keep hurtin you more than i have...

valorousimperial I I don't know what's fine and not fine

valorousimperial I know I'm selfish and awful and if there's one scar left on you and I made it, if you keep holding it because it makes you feel better, if you don't recoil from it just for existing, then Then they can't have taken everything about me from you.

wiz-texts i..... i think i like it, actually

valorousimperial ??

wiz-texts i like how it looks, n feels. it's got these sorta... ridges?? th dents from th teeth are fun to trace my fingers over is..... is that okay for me to say??? is *any* of this okay gosh i dunno....

valorousimperial Yes.

wiz-texts yes??

valorousimperial I think a lot of things aren't okay. But this is. This is This is them failing. This is them not taking us away from each other. This is good.

valorousimperial I guess that we have to meet one another again.

valorousimperial [[ oh shit it’s dat beautiful boi.jpg aka mun sent an actual picture but i’m being a dork ]] This is me, I'm a troll. Which you had probably figured out.

wiz-texts yea no offense but im in your palace, id be a little concerned if you werent a troll ha youre..... youre really pretty n i have a confession, ive already seen this picture

valorousimperial This is the whole picture!! And it's not tiny!! I like to think that I'm pretty, I'm glad you do, too.

wiz-texts because i went through all the tags and message history like..... five or six times already nothin came back. im sorry

valorousimperial ... Oh, I Didn't figure it would But I'm glad you tried.

wiz-texts i wanted to try. wanted to see if i could feel..... *somethin* like memory

valorousimperial I assume there's not even a sense of deja vu.

wiz-texts it feels different. ive forgotten a lot of things n those are all fuzzy, its like..... like my brain is swamped in a fog

wiz-texts this, though, it dont feel fuzzy it feels like its just been..... scooped right outta my brain. cant remember what isnt there anymore, right

valorousimperial Right I don't begrudge you that. I begrudge you WHY it's gone. But not that it is.

wiz-texts there is some kinda feelin but i dont know if thats because of my guilt or nah. great mystery right there.....

wiz-texts not deja vu. somethin else

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts like..... shucks, i dunno how to word it

wiz-texts .....

wiz-texts heck

valorousimperial The best you can do works for me.

wiz-texts i. i dont know, i.... feel like maybe its out of line?? too soon???? im just... lookin at things and thinkin n searchin until things go blurry

valorousimperial It's never too soon for you to take comfort in things. You and I, We'll just Play it by ear, right? And maybe things can work again. Do you maybe want to play a questions game?

wiz-texts i aint.... exactly takin comfort in it i dont think???

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts it. mm. th thing i keep feelin goin through th tags ......because im a stubborn fuck n starin at everythin for. i think this is my fourteenth time through th whole thing

wiz-texts it aint deja vu but its like......... somethin of me *does* know you???? not a memory but. somethin .........

valorousimperial Well This is the part where you intimately relearn my penchant for dirty jokes, I guess But I bet I can guess what part of you remembers me...

wiz-texts ....you actually got me to laugh there sounded more like this wheezin sorta thing but thats what it was

valorousimperial Pfft.

wiz-texts but no its like... ppl talk bout butterflies in their stomachs, when they like someone, right???? its like that i guess

valorousimperial !!!!

wiz-texts except its more in my chest n it feels like..... a knot??? a knot gettin pulled tighter n tighter n then i get overwhelmed n i cry but i dont. know if thats good or bad it feels good AND bad if that makes any sense i dunno....... i dunno

valorousimperial Less !!!! Butt still at least !

wiz-texts why????

valorousimperial I just I want you to feel things about me.

wiz-texts i do too i want to feel *all* th things bout you, i want to feel everythin i did before n like add a whole bunch more on top to. to make up for this if you want me to if you dont thats... thats okay. rly its your decision

valorousimperial I don't know

valorousimperial I'm

wiz-texts .....obviously i already made mine. ha....

valorousimperial I'm really fucked up about this.

wiz-texts i know. im sorry i shouldnt have said that

valorousimperial ...yes. You did make your decision. But you had to have had a reason. Because all this... Getting rid of the hated scars, and leaving mine behind The fluttering and the tightness in you when you look at who we were together

wiz-texts im blurtin out everythin that comes into my head, ill....... ill stop. i shouldnt be doin this to you. i shouldnt its gotta be hurtin you n i dont want that

valorousimperial WANTING to have what we did again You clearly don't hate me, or my memory. So you You had to have had a reason.

wiz-texts ..... yea but i... i cant begin to understand it. i remember how much i hated th scars but...... it doesnt make sense. ive been tryin all night n it doesnt make sense

valorousimperial ?

valorousimperial All night? Like, all of all night? Did you get a nap? Did you focus on something else?

wiz-texts not...... really......

valorousimperial !! Are you very tired?

wiz-texts dunno? dunno ???????? um

valorousimperial You used to get really very exhausted Easily.

wiz-texts i have been picked up by a judgin troll lady

valorousimperial ?????

wiz-texts Lilac keeps. voodooin ppl in here i kinda barricaded th door n hid away for a little so i could think

valorousimperial He's a good clown.

wiz-texts um. it seems that was a while ago. breakfast time????? what time is it now i dont think im exhausted but its hard to tell so. oh well

valorousimperial You haven't eaten AT ALL? Oh, Wiz, no No, don't do that.

wiz-texts i forgot. didnt feel hungry or much of anything else tbh scold Keeune too he's been awake since his shift last light wtf

valorousimperial Keeune is attached to you and doing much what I would if I found out you were mysteriously sick.

wiz-texts im not? sick?????

valorousimperial In a way.

wiz-texts ....oh

wiz-texts um

wiz-texts you should go to sleep. i wouldnt wanna keep you when your moirail is waitin

valorousimperial No, I'm okay.

wiz-texts mm......

valorousimperial Let's play the questions game. What's your favorite color?

valorousimperial Oh, I didn't see his post

wiz-texts ha. yea thats what i meant

valorousimperial He's so drowsy. He'll fall asleep any minute.

wiz-texts u should go to him though!!

valorousimperial I'm with him.

wiz-texts then like.... go to sleep???

wiz-texts [[ wiz, internally: give attention to your real quad..... ]]

valorousimperial What’s your favorite color?

[fishbians]

learning to actually enjoy food again is a process but!

ig im making this post partly for archival reasons, and partly because i think it might help other people in similar (?) situations to me

fall 2018 - may 2019 was an extremely hard time for me. my girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me, i was in college about to go to an international conference with what felt like nothing to present, and i realized i had few if any friends there. actually, all of my friends within my major were studying abroad, and i was completely alone. i was 6 hours away from home, and became so depressed i lost 15 pounds 2 months after the breakup. gaining weight is difficult for me, so a 15 lbs drop put me in dangerous territory if i were to get sick.

since then i’ve recovered some of that weight, about 5 to 8 lbs of it depending. mentally and emotionally, i am in a much better place. but one issue still lingered from that time: i have lost interest in food. before fall 2018 i already had a somewhat built in disinterest in food; if i was busy, i wouldnt eat simply because i’d forget to. spectrum brain sometimes gets Super Engrossed in a task, and then 6 hours have gone by and i haven’t eaten anything. so this made it a lot worse.

since i’ve been home, i’ve been working part-time in retail, and if we know anything about retail it’s that you get about one break a shift (a possible 15 if i have a short shift, and a mandatory unpaid 30 if i have a longer shift). this has made it even harder for me to get back on a consistent eating schedule. i can feel the toll it’s begun to take on my body, and so like i said, im posting this partly for my own archival purposes, and partly for anyone else who might find it useful.

my main dilemma that i noticed since i’ve been back home is that i’m just not excited when i eat food. when i have to eat lunch, it’s not, “aw fuck yeah, i’m gonna eat some mf PASTA” it’s, “ah, fuck, i have to go give my body sustenance.” if im busy, i get irritated because my task is being interrupted (a spectrum brain thing i think). if im not busy, i notice its just that im not excited about the flavor or event of Food. and so i asked myself, why the Fuck is this happening? this isnt, like, a normal thing that people usually experience. usually everyone around me is so excited about food.

i thought it was probably some sort of leftover symptom from a combination of things: 1) repetitive on-the-go on-campus food for the past 3 years, and 2) depression and lack of eating from the past year. actually, if we go farther back, this has been happening probably since high school, though on a subtler level, since i was so overwhelmed with schoolwork i rarely had consistent meals.

there are a few things that are consistent here:

stress

pace of my environment

lack of meal variety

those second and third ones especially are really notable to me, i think, because i notice im a really fucking fast eater. especially if i want to get back to something i was doing earlier. sometimes it’s required but a lot of times it’s not. the other thing, lack of meal variety, is something ive been trying to tackle too. i think that lack of enrichment with different flavors and textures makes food dull. the problem is, spectrum brain is a little bitch and HATES certain textures. it is one PICKY motherfucker. we like tomatoes and bell peppers - ONLY IF the they are diced very finely, and put in a carb (like pasta, rice...etc). so it makes it really hard for me to have meal variety when the taste might be fine but the texture is something my brain rejects. one issue at a time, i guess.

what i did this weekend was really good, though. Really Good. i pulled some resources from my nutritionist i had on campus (i can send those to anyone upon request) and made two things:

a shopping list

a meal list

the thing about me and grocery shopping is this: when i have to grocery shop, i have to ask myself, what do i wanna eat over the next week or two? and my brain goes, who the fuck knows, kid! and so i end up buying some of the things i like, but not having enough variety to keep me Enriched. a lot of the food goes to waste, or i forget about the options i have, etc. furthermore, now that i work, i can’t keep buying food from my store, its not economical or healthy. so i needed to really buckle down and do meal prep, and do it well, because my job is demanding.

so! i pulled some meal ideas and snack ideas from my nutritionist’s handouts, and made a shopping list. then i made a meal list, which breaks down meals that i know i like for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then snacks. i have to be eating about 5 times a day consistently to gain weight. 3 meals and 2 snacks minimum. then, in a separate column, i indicated if it was a “work-ready” meal, so i knew how many i could pack as lunches or snacks.

now i have that list to look at if i dont know what to eat! because as stupid as it sounds, i have a really hard time synthesizing the groceries i’ve bought and the options i have, especially when it’s mixed in with my parents’ food in the fridge and pantry. that list of meals i can reference will hopefully help me 1) not waste food and 2) feel like i have some variety.

my other thing that ive been doing to help me get excited about food, and to also slow the FUCK down when i eat (to help me savor flavors) is being social when i eat. especially since a lot of my friends are still in college right now or work, when i can, i take my meals out and sit with my parents. it not only forces me to slow down eating by talking, but also makes me feel less lonely, which was a really bad issue i had in college. i took almost every meal alone. and humans are social! and the social part is helping a lot.

so if youre even reading this, thanks for reading. like i said, this was mostly for archival purposes, but for people with similar issues as me, i hope this helped in some way too.

[twoguystrybbq-blog]

Woodyard Bar-B-Q

Leo:

Ben got back from his Texas vacation (of course sending me mouth-watering pictures of Texas barbeque) and got a puppy!  Well, a year-old puppy.  Her name is Gracie and she is gorgeous.  A Greyhound mix, she is a chocolate brown with darker brown/black vertical stripes (I guess she wants to look taller?).  

Gracie being a new dog and me being a large bearded man, she didn’t take to me instantly.  When I came to the door, there were a few barks.  When I came in Ben’s apartment, she barked a couple more times and growled a bit.  While I was overcome with her cuteness, she was obviously a bit nervous.  I put out my hand for her to smell, which usually does the trick when I meet new dogs.  She smelled it nervously and then backed away.  I went to sit down and she kind of circled the apartment, coming near me and then darting away.  Ben gave me a couple treats and giving Gracie those helped her warm up to me. By the time we were ready to go, Gracie let me pet her a bit.   

Ben suggested that we go to Woodyard BBQ because they had a patio and we could bring Gracie.  “Did the website say you could bring dogs?” I asked a bit skeptically.  “No, but it’ll be fine,” said Ben.  “Okay,” I replied, but I still had my doubts about showing up to a restaurant with a dog.

So, Gracie, Ben, and I piled into Ben’s car and drove over to Kansas for some barbeque.  It was a little hot out, so we cruised over to Woodyard with the windows up and the A/C on.  You could tell that Gracie would’ve preferred the windows down, but she was a great car dog and lay down most of the trip.  

Woodyard isn’t off the beaten path (it is only a minute or two from the highway), but it’s location in a sparsely populated, foresty area makes it seem secluded.  As we drove up, it reminded me of roadside BBQ joints in Arkansas that my mom had taken me to as a kid when we drove down to Hot Springs, Arkansas to fill up on Mountain Valley Spring water (which is a whole other story).  So, I immediately had a very pleasant impression.  

As we walked over to the patio, my nervousness came back about bringing a dog to a restaurant.  As luck would have it, a waitress was clearing some tables on the patio and she greeted Gracie with a smile.  “Oh, a lot of people have been bringing their dogs today,” she said.  And, with that, my nervousness was gone.  “Okay,” I said, “I’ll go in and order while you stay with Gracie and then you go in and order.  Sound good?”  “Sure thing,” said Ben.

So, I went in and the waitress from earlier took my order.  As I was ordering, what appeared to be her family came in and gave her hugs and said goodbye.  This scene added a sweet air of family to the restaurant, which reinforced the hospitality I’d felt since we were told that Gracie was a welcomed guest.  For lunch/dinner (it was about 3pm), I went with brisket, ribs, and a side of potato salad.  Oh, and a Pabst tall boy because it was a Saturday.  I went out and sat with Gracie while Ben ordered.  Gracie didn’t whine or anything when Ben left and she let me pet her (later, I’d give her a rib bone and that would seal our friendship).  While Ben was ordering, I looked around the patio.  It was an all-brick, open-air patio, which was nice because the pleasant smell of burning wood permeated the air.  The bricks had begun to shift, so the floor was a little uneven, but this just added to the character of the patio.  There was also a small stove towards the back, which made me wonder about the origins of this patio.  Had it once been a small house or kitchen back in the day and the roof bits had long since vanished, but the sturdy brick remained?  And the indoor dining area and the place I ordered looked newer.  Maybe we were sitting in the original barbeque restaurant and the rest had been added on over the years?

As I sat musing and enjoying the day, Ben came back.  Moments later, our orders came out.  I was very pleased with the portions of brisket and ribs and the potato salad had big ol’ chunks of potato in it, letting me know that it had been handmade from scratch.  The food tasted good, too!  But the real winner of the day and why I would go back was the sauce.  It was a great blend of flavors and was a bit thicker (the way I prefer it).  Needless to say, after I’d tried the meat without the sauce and with the sauce, I covered the remainder in sauce.

We finished up and headed back to the car.  On our way back, we talked about the things we liked and the kind, hospitable atmosphere was the thing we appreciated the most (with the sauce and the food, of course).  When we got back to Ben’s, he wanted to show me a movie called “The Room,” which you just have to see to know how it is.  While we watched the movie and had a couple of nice beers, Gracie laid between us, put her head on my lap and let me pet her.  I guess that rib bone really did the trick!

What a pleasant afternoon!  I hope that you are hungry and I hope that you go to Woodyard BBQ.  When you do, I hope you have just as great an afternoon as Ben and I did when we visited them.  You may have to get a puppy, too, of course, but everybody needs a puppy or two in their lives.  Happy barbequing!

Ben: 

The few days leading up to our visit to Woodyard BBQ was a bit of a whirlwind for me. Wednesday was the Fourth of July -- a holiday I properly celebrated in Texas with old friends. All-American beer was had; Bruce Springsteen was jammed to; Rocky IV was watched. On Thursday, I flew home to Kansas City and pretended to work in the evening. On Friday, I woke up early, actually did work, drove to an animal shelter, and adopted a new roommate.

Meet Gracie. She enjoys sleeping on the couch, chasing squirrels, and hiding from loud trucks. Despite chewing on my “Dog Training for Dummies” book, Gracie is all around perfect.

However, as happy as I was to add Gracie to the Case de Ben, I realized her presence would throw a bit of a kink into our weekly scheduled barbecue plans. I had, after all, just bet her about 24 hours before we planned to get barbecue on Saturday, and I hadn’t yet left her alone for a minute, much less the solid 90 minutes we typically devote to our Saturday meat sweats. I told Leo I had adopted Gracie, sent him the obligatory cute dog picture, and invited him over to meet her before we headed out for barbecue.

As I waited for Leo, I did some recon on the Google machine -- I need a dog-friendly barbecue joint with a patio. After perusing photos for a few minutes, I settled on Woodyard BBQ. Woodyard appeared to have a massive outdoor seating area and plenty of stars after hundreds of reviews. Well that settles that.

Leo arrived; Gracie barked (large bearded men scare me, too), but quickly warmed up to him. Awesome, now that you’re all friends, let’s feast. Per custom, I had foregone a proper breakfast to ensure I was sufficiently hungry (hangry, really) by the time barbecue was in front of me. What’s more, I had already had some unexpected exercise that morning -- apparently dogs need walks.

The three of us piled into my car and we were off. Located in KCK, Woodyard is absolutely massive, but has the feel of a simple roadside barbecue joint. And, if I had to guess, I’d think that’s exactly how Woodyard started, because the actual restaurant structure is pretty small and traditional: just a few tables and a counter. But the patio(s) are huge, and I get the sense that Woodyard can and does get packed at peak times. In the days after we visited Woodyard, I’ve come to learn that it regularly hosts live, outdoor music. Barbecue, a few beers and a concert sounds about right for an ideal Saturday night. But, alas, we were here on a Saturday at 2 in the afternoon, so we had the run of the place.

I left Gracie on the patio with Leo as I ordered inside. Woodyard has your typical barbecue offerings, plus burnt end chili (something I’ll most certainly try when I return). I went with a two meat plate: burnt ends and pulled pork, with a side of beans.

My food would be brought out to our table, and I was given a table stand with a photo of a young Paul Newman. The guy at the counter told me: “He looks like the type of guy that would hook up with your girlfriend and just say, ‘Sorry, brah!’” Honestly, that looks exactly correct.

Back to Leo and Gracie on Woodyard’s front patio, and our food arrived within minutes. Before my first bite, Woodyard was at an immediate plus -- the portions were legitimate. Consistent with its roadside barbecue feel, our food came on metal trays lined with paper, sides heaped into paper containers. Leo had ordered brisket, ribs, and potato salad, which I’ll let him talk about, but visually, his ribs looked fantastic.

My burnt ends were sauced and falling apart on my plate -- a good thing. I think a solid burnt end is like a solid rib; it should essentially “fall off the bone,” but with no bone, burnt ends should just melt into the plate. If I have one complaint, it’s that I wish there were more charred bits in Woodyard’s burnt ends, but at the same time, the taste made me want to sample the burnt end chili. Next time, I suppose.

The star of my plate was the pulled pork -- something I’m relatively picky about. Woodyard gave me a heap of meat that wasn’t too dry, yet wasn’t too fat, and didn’t over-rely on seasoning or skin. This was a true meat pile, a mess of smoked pig, and you can’t go wrong with that. The pork pairs well with Woodyard’s original sauce, but unlike other places, the sauce doesn’t steal the show; it’s only a compliment to the meat.

The beans were of the thick and sweet variety, which is what I’d consider traditional Kansas City style. Zero complaints there.

Woodyard left me pleasantly full, and Gracie, having eaten an entire bone from Leo, seemed equally sated. On our way out, we took note of Woodyard’s banner of TV appearances. This place has certainly done the circuit, so to speak. Woodyard has been visited by Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, Anthony Bourdain, and Andrew Zimmern. That amount of press is nothing to scoff at.

Woodyard is a place you should go for that traditional roadside barbecue feel. Big portions served on paper and outdoor seating, what more could you ask for? And if you’re feeling in the mood, maybe stick around for a couple (or a dozen) beers, live music, and a second round of meat and/or beer sweats.

[soulcollector0100-blog]

Storm Winters Vs Bridgette Monlyneaux

Storm Winters Vs. Bridgette Molyneuax

IN THE CIRCUIT COURT FOR ARLINGTON, VA Storm Winters   Address Sealed           Plaintiff                                                            Case #:    ______________                   v.         Bridgette Molyneaux         

                                                                COMPLAINT PLAINTIFF, Storm Winter, comes this day, Nov 3rd,  2017, pro se, and for the reasons and causes for this Complaint, states as follows:                           COUNT I, II, III IV VII VI:  Criminal Harassment, Intentional Emotional Distress,  Food Tampering and Poisoning and Conspiracy            1. Plaintiff, Storm Winters  rented a room from Bridgette Molyneaux on September 30, 2017. She answered an ad that put me in a desperate situation due to a previous landlord criminals behavior. I highlighted very clearly in that ad what the term of the renting agreement would be since a grey area put me in a desperate situation.            2.  The ad was very explanatory and  left nothing to the imagination yet Bridgette makes me travel 3 hours to come see the room and she pretty much attacks and states she cant rent to me unless I have first months security deposit  and rent up front.  My ad negates everything she said. At that point I had wasted my WHOLE last day before being illegally evicted coming to see a crazy woman’s room. I will post the CL ad so you get an understanding of why I find her comments crazy.                       3. If I had been a normal renter with more time to look and I came to see this room          I would have said FUCK NO and turned around. Excuse my language but that’s how bad her behavior was.  Something is off with Bridgette and she is siding with my criminal landlord with no reason to suggest I have done anything wrong. But there is no law or registry or license required to rent a room so I’m desperate enough on the last day of the month to have to accept Brigette’s room. I’m in a suit with my prior landlord its one criminal after the other. There should be a law or something.                       4. As the ad and our lease agreement states. I paid her 100.00 security deposit and agreed to pay an extra 50 for moving in 3 days earlier then my due date which is the 3rd of every month and we also agreed upon 30.00 for Bridgette transporting me back and forth between my previous landlord’s address and the new address. Rent is 500.00. So I Paid 580.00 on October with Rent being 500 every moth thereafter. I gave Bridgette Money with a lease agreement of my own. I was aware she had a lease agreement but due to my previous landlord behavior I created my own. Bridegtte states she will implement my lease into her lease and then we will sign. So I’m thinking she takes the money because she is agreeing. She is agreeing she can say whatever she likes. It states in the lease agreement I’m paying her 580 upon these conditions. It is now the 22nd and no lease agreement has been brought back to my attention but she has spent the money.                  5.In fact criminal activity has occurred first. Which I am not surprised by because of how she behaved upon me meeting her and seeing the room. She was protective of Sglinda which must mean she is guilty of the same behavior. It all falls under criminal harassment and other crimes.                 6. I noticed immediaitely she is taking my things then pretending to be unawares of their whereabouts I have to strong arm her metaphorically into telling me where she has placed my things. For example  Bridgette has two rooms she can rent. I am staying in one and the other is empty now and was empty when I moved in. She states she found pants in the bottom bedroom. It’s a lie because I don’t go in that room. And the day she says she found pants down there I wasn’t downstairs at all. Laundry and the empty bedroom is downstairs everything else is upstairs. Also I have a power cord to my labtop. Bridgette does as well. My power cord is in my room 90 percent of them time. Seldomly I bring it in the kitchen the ONLY other place it could ever be placed by me. My power cord to my labtop goes missing from my room. Bridgette has left the house. I text her and say sarcastically you haven’t seen my power cord to my labtop you didn’t ACCIDENTLY take it. Quite honestly in another life its possible she picked up someone elses by mistake because her power cord stays in the kitchen. But my power cord is in my room. Im pretty sure it was not accident. She comes back from wherever she was attempting to play stupid. That’s not your power plug over there? She is referring to her power plug that stays in the kitchen. I say no.  My input piece has a green ring around it hers is black. I looked in the living room before she came home. We were both in the living room when she came home and I watched her lie and pretend to look for it. The living room was empty and I’m never In the livingroom. Let alone with my labtop. I leave because I realize I will never get it back if I watch her. She will continue to lie. 10 minutes later. SHES FOUND IT. When I ask where she says the living room. It’s a lie but I leave it alone and put it in email. I brought household items when I went grocery shopping the beginning of the month. Toliet tissue Lysol Spray to clean the bathroom soap  Dish Liquid Clothes detergent liquid hand soap etc. I clean the bathroom atleast twice a week if not more. I place my Lysol spray on a nearly empty shelf in the bathroom. Its been there for weeks I notice immediately its been moved because when I go to clean the bathroom Its been removed. I ask Bridgette did you move my spray? At first she plays stupid. She then tries to point at other things SHES brought. I clearly say LYSOL spray over and over again. She’s pointing at scrubbing bubbles some other bathroom cleaners. She finally comes cleans after like three to five minutes and says I put some stuff in the downstairs bathroom. A bathroom I never use. Because there is a bathroom upstairs. She says its probably downstairs. I have a lot of sprays. It is in the downstairs bathroom but its not among OTHER Lysol SPRAYS which she has me believing. Its just other sprays. Not Lysol spray. She was trying to make it appear like an accident.             7. Upon first buying food I have to go back to Walmart to return food items because the frozen dinner has some brown substance that does not melt properly. I also have to return to Walmart because I ask Bridgette when I notice she has a printer if I buy the ink and paper do you mind If I use the printer She says sure We can go half on the ink. I originally go to the store when I buy food and purchase the paper and ink. When I go to let Bridgette know I need to use the printer she had gone ballistic done a 180. Doesn’t want me to use it. Something about she doesn’t want people in her room or something silly. Let me put here she is calling me every two minutes to call her phone when she loses it in her room. Or asking me do I know how to do something with the computer. Which I personally think is a ruse for me to unlock my phone so she can get inside. She asked more than once to take my phone and call her phone which I deny. I follow her and call. This is the climate of Bridgette’s behavior she is a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. She Is nice charismatic one minute then angry and can’t be bothered the next.  Emotionally Unstable is my first guess. She says she will give me the money back for the ink and the paper. Which Is when Bridgette takes me to Walmart and I return the frozen food that will not melt but is brown. Surprisingly and embarrassingly to admit I wasn’t focused on that it could be Bridgette that is how charismatic she is. But now I believe differently.               8. A few days prior to the 12th of October Bridgette tells me house guest are coming and they are not staying long. On the night of the eleventh I count my food because I planned to go to Walmart and buy more frozen dinners to last the remainder of the month. Since my income is fixed. I will put here I already had just a passing suspicion of there should be more food then that in here but nothing more nothing less before the 12. I count the food on the night of the 11th. I have 12 meals. I eat breakfast the morning of the 12th and im actually woken up by the new house guest and I see the “wife” in passing. I am gone all day until about 5 or 6 pm. Upon returning I eat two meals since I missed lunch and it was dinner time. I brought 17 frozen meals. After I eat two frozen meals. I count my frozen meals again an hour or so later after I have eaten and put food away. I have counted 14 meals. I should have had a total of 27.  On the night of the 12th. I text Bridgette and let her know a substantial amount of my food is missing. I am requesting a refund. Bridgette ignores me for DAYS I have to continuously tell her to check her  texts and when I do talk to her in persons she is irritated and telling me she will read text later. I feel like a bother but it should have been ONE conversation. She creates the back and forth thing. My meals are returned but opened. One is opened which takes everything in the fridge. I finally go and point blank tell her we need to talk. She even off puts this LEAVES and then tells me she will be back later. This is days of AVOIDANCE. When we finally do talk she threatens to put me out or she says are you giving notice? She starts putting words in my mouth. She is sure they are a white military couple. They would never. Has never met these people in her life. In her fucking life. I even drafted a letter to give to the down stairs neighbors. Its professional but guilty parties will hate to read their guilt on a page Bridgette refuses to read it giving It to them is out of the question. We have not had a problem outside of Bridgette’s broken toilet which she was trying to make me pay for which was fixed. Before they got here. I am an ideal tenant. I will paste the letter I wrote for the downstairs tenants in this letter complaint as well. The mans wife is saying smart shit out her mouth while in my room the walls are beneath paper thin, plastic thin. I respond days later. You can hear them having sex and talking without a lot of work. My bedroom is above theirs. Why is a couple staying in a room in the FIRST PLACE? Makes no sense. Anyway that night Bridgette tells me to let her know what needs replacing. I text her the next day 40 is the amount she owes me on the guest behalf. She acts like she has not told me to tell her what she owes. She says I DON’T owe you ANYTHING. SHE becomes volatile hostile LOUD and agitated I walked away screaming I mad. I close my door and I say closed my door I need to calm down. Bridgette is ignoring me all THREE times I said it  and shes still trying to come  into my room and my door is closed.  I told her I was calling the police. Which I did that report number Is------ By officer------------- . I was instructed to call back as events happen. I have done another report online.  When I call the police she comes back and acts again as if nothing has happened. SOMETHING Is wrong with the bitch. She says im going to get you a microwave a small refrigerator and a key to your room. I play double advocate with her because this is a twistable lock on my door but there is no place for a key to go. The roomates have left on the 19th. They were slamming doors 20 times in 15 minutes which is documented in texts to Bridgette upon the noise and door slamming happening. They were upstairs in the kitchen. Bridgette has stopped responding to texts after the power cord incident before the couple came. I am pretty sure she is still reading them but she does not respond. The night she is trying to enter my room Bridgette tries to cover the white couple by saying you were telling me about missing food before they came. It’s a lie. I was suspicious but I haven’t talk to Bridgette about missing food until the 12th which is when the roomates arrived or their next day. That in text. Even when she  BALATNTLY has taken my stuff I have never said You’re stealing my stuff although her behavior is her behavior its criminal harassment. And I was thinking it.  All her behavior is in my email should the judge be interested. She is trying to cover for them I will paste the police complaints in this complaint. I have numerous of texts that I may paste in this complaint. I tell Bridgette she can give me 40 dollars now or I will deduct it from rent. I also let her know that the locks need to be changed on the front door one due to a tenant moving out two due to the fact their behavior is questionable. CRIMINAL. Unless Bridgette is in on the whole thing and that’s why she is not concerned. I personally care if MY food is being tampered with my house is being brought negative attention to by people hanging out being loud 11 pm at night slamming doors over 20 times and im not exaggerating I’m probably under exaggerating. This is in TEXTS Bridgette does not care. Thinks white men are GOD. Is an older woman not surprising, This is 2017. It is not slave times. Someone needs to tell her he Is “married” or a pimp and she old I’m sure he’s not interested.  Anyway back to them moving out and Bridgette getting upset at me even trying to talk to her about the food tampering and the money she owes me. She attempts to create a time for us to talk Monday. At 2:00. I didn’t even realize its Thursday a whole 4 days away and I HAVE TO eat all my food is in the trash. Will not be getting eaten by me. Bridgette is home 80 if not 90 percent of the time and up ALL hours of the night EVERY night. I’m sure something is wrong with her. She leaves her room probably 10 times in a hour. Her door creaks which is how I know. It’s not healthy or sane and given free world she can do as she pleases in her house but she has a roommate. Attest of character and behavior. And I notice a lot she leaves the room when I enter or exit my room or the bathroom. My first two days here she was copying the color clothes I wore. I wrote it off but something aint right upstairs. Like she had on clothes then changed clothes to match what I was wearing.           9. After I send her text stating the locks on the front door need to be changed. The next day Bridgette has been gone all day I notice at 1:00 pm the doors is left ajar and obviously unlocked I take a picture of it and send it to Bridgette and I say I could lie and say someone tried to rob me or walked in assaulted me and you’d be on trial for attempted and premeditated murder. She has also brought diet COKE. Never brought soda while ive been here and definitely not coke. It’s not the first time someone has used my name in a joke or harassing manner. My name is Keyonna. She Is not taking this seriously and I did request the tenants contact information since they have left and Bridgette was unwilling to intervene as landlord. I warn her if she is not willing to be proactive about this or giving me their contact information I will be pursuing a suit. I was already pursuing a suit. I cannot enjoy my food and I spend 500 a month in rent and I’m scared to leave the house for fear she is doing stuff to my food to my belongings. I paid her and she owes me money. She doesn’t even respond to text. She just harasses me. I have a whole gallon of milk that’s been sitting there since the 3rd of the month. Still sitting in the fridge the couple could have done anything to it. My food was in the fridge for 5 days before I stopped eating it. I don’t know who has done what and how. That was my food for the month and while I have oatmeal and Ramen Noodles I am still going to near stave until the 3rd of the month. Below You will find CL AD Lease Agreement, Police Complaints. Texts Messages Lease Agreement (Supplement to Landlords Agreement) On this third day of October 2017 Bridgette, Landlord at   is being paid $580.00  by  Keyona Ferrell, tenant  for October’s Rent only. Bridgette, Landlord and Keyona Ferrell, tenant are entering into a LEASE AGREEMENT. Rent is $500.00 monthly for the room on the second floor.  Landlord was paid an additional  $50.00 as agreed upon in the  CL  ad for the tenant arriving on the 30th of September 2017 three days prior to Rent due date. Bridgette, Landlord. also received $30.00 additional dollars for Octobers Rent for transporting tenant back and forth between this address and my previous address upon move in. $580.00 is being paid only for the month of October.  $100.00 Security deposit was paid to Bridgette on the 30th of September 2017 upon moving in. It is expected to be returned upon move out date. Rent is due on the third of every month in the amount of 500.00. This lease is month to month which requires a 30 days notice to be terminated. The thirty days must begin on the third and end on the third. Tenant is mandating a 30  days notice for termination of the lease agreement. Tenant is mandating all information regarding tenant while renting a room and anytime there after I move out be kept confidential. Tenant is mandating all information collected during move in such as ID and income verification  paperwork and rental agreement be destroyed. Tenant Is mandating an extra 30 days should ANY party give a 30 days notice if a new place of residence is not found within those 30 days. Those additional 30 days will be accompanied by rent of $500. __________________________              ____________________________ Bridgette, Landlord’s Signature                Keyona Ferrell, Tenant’ Signature

This Is the letter I wrote for the people downstairs but  Bridgette is refusing to read. I found an open container of food yesterday. Threw it away. I am writing this letter for the neighbors downstairs. It is my understanding that you are temporary guest. That is what I was told  before you arrived. I am a no nonsense laid back quite roommate. I don’t bother people and I usually stay to myself and only use things in MY POSSESSION.  It has come to my attention a large number of my meals were taken and or eaten then returned or majority of them were returned. I will be talking to Bridgette today and discussing with her that she has your real names and ways to identify you because unfortunately yesterday I found one of my meals opened. I started to eat it then threw it away.  It’s unfortunate we are off on a bad foot because I don’t know you and I’m quiet and keep to myself but for obvious reason I cant let the possibility of food tampering and or food poisoning go without notice. All frozen meals in the fridge are mine please be courteous and not touch them.  To be quite frank if you have not purchased something please bestow the same courtesy you would like other people to bestow upon your things.  Thanks again for your COOPERATION. The four police report numbers are BM Rutherford 2396 pd17101900267859        there are extension such as when Bridgettes daughetrs came and they were acting hostile I just added to the original police report. That number should pull up ALL of them. A police Officer was called to the property of 4318 0n the 19th of October 2017 due to possible food poisoning and food tampering and Bridgette’s behavior. I moved in on this property on the 30th of September. I've brought food twice this month the first was on the third which is when I get my workmans comp for my knee injury and the second time was the  12 when new temporary house guess of Bridgette moved in. The new house guest are a white couple. I personally find it weird a  COUPLE is renting a room. Either they are CRAZY poor or an its an emergency situation or they are covering for Bridgette. Anyway on the night of the 11 of this month I COUNT my frozen meals becasue I am going to Walmart on the 12th and this is my last trip to the grocery store for the month my food has to last I count to know how many I will need. The next day I eat breakfast. I am actually awoken by loud giggling  and hearing the new guest on out floor there room is downstairs. I see the wife on my way to warm up oatmeal. I am gone all day I return around dinnerI Buy 17 frozen dinners and eat two immediately upon returning since I skipped lunch while out. I should have had atlest 15 from what I brought and at least 12 meals in the freezer prior. A a few hours later I HAVE Substanially less then that I want to say atleast 6 to 8 meals are missing at that point. I write a text to my landlord stating items are missing its my food for the month. I need the money for those items. The food was replaced a while later BUT ally my texts go ignored by the LANDLORD. I first think okay they returned it no harm no foul one of my frozen meals is open which I stupidly start to eat but then throw away. They have taken all the food in fridge. at this point because those are containers that can be resealed. I threw them away Bridgette puts them back in the fridge Bridgette is my landlord. Let me just say my landlord has suspicious behavior before the couple moved in that i document in email but do not talk to her about because it cased conflict but mainly she takes my stuff and then plays stupid to it whereabouts. She create conflicts so it is a possibility Its Bridgette taking my meals its also possible the white couple is it in kahootz with her. A few days ago I say I would like to write the guest a letter letting them know my frozen meals are off limits and I want a refund if they have taken my food The letter is professional. She refused to talk to them or let me talk to them. They are white she is old and probably crazily think she is going to get with the you MARRIED white guy. I really dont know. She was born in slave times. That is only half a joke. This is 2017 I work around white people. I dont see anything and if they are guilty they are guilty end of discussion. They leave a fe days ago. slamming the door 20 times in 15 minutes and they are in the kitchen scrounging around. Bridgette didnt come to me and tell me they left I figured that out didnt see the car and didnt hear them as every night they are giggling and talking loud enough for me to hear them. They are directly under my room. I do have emergency food but i am still going to dam near starve until the third. The woman ign0re ALL my texts says things like tell me how much everything cost I do in text says she owes me 40 dollar. She ignored my text to the point I have to come talk to her she is loud and screaming I just call the cops at that point. If I cant enjoy my food where I stay its a suit. She just keep saying they are a white militay family they arent doing anything to your food. Bridgette sleeps and leaves she doesnt know what these people do and they appear to be poor. I have milk in the fridge he could have done ANYTHING with that my frozen meals were open. I had to throw them ALL away just for one being open. His wife one night makes a comment to me our wall are like plastic between us the first night I say nothing the night or two before they leave I respond back I hear them having sex its just gross. Ewww. I tell them to buy their own food. I have texted Bridgette stating the doors locks need to changed since they have left. I also tell her I will be taking here to court if I dont not get the roomates contact information. The following day which is today the front door is left ajar and unlocked and bridgette has been gone all day I notice it around 1:00 pm I take a pictre and send bridgette a text. I say I could lie and say someone broke and and tried to murder me then youd be on trial for attempted murder. I SAY this is criminal harassment and I will be taking you to court. I WILL BE GETTING The neighbors contact information. She also went out BROUGHT DIET COKE My name IS Keyonna its happened before. She is a landlord causing damages while not land lording but taking rent money. I told officer Rutherford I wasn’t interested in  having anyone arrested but if he’d like to im down. Chick batshit I have text emails and pictures. I do have one camera from when I was at sglindas.  I placed that in BRIDGETTS kitchen upon arriving then removed it shortly after My stuff went missing. I will be buying another for my room on today’s date December 3rd.  The text sent to Sglinda is enclosed.  Only the first text is Sglinda Every other txt is to Bridgette. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Sep 17

to me

this is to let you know i have put a camera in my room. Text Messages 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:04 PM (13 hours ago)

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ok on my way back pulling 580 out. will sign the lease when I return.

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:05 PM (13 hours ago)

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Okay 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:05 PM (13 hours ago)

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hey im on the bus headed to walmart do you mind writing down the black ink cartridge. you can give me half when I get back in the house. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:05 PM (13 hours ago)

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Ok 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:06 PM (13 hours ago)

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Cannon pg 240xl black (no subject)

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:06 PM (13 hours ago)

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Cartridge (no subject)

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:06 PM (13 hours ago)

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ok thanks (no subject)

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:06 PM (13 hours ago)

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hey its abnormally hot in the house do you mind turning the ac on?

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:07 PM (13 hours ago)

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im going to need to print before I go to bed tonight. Reply

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:07 PM (13 hours ago)

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i think I figured out how to print from my labtop whats your printers full id cannon and then the numbers. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:07 PM (13 hours ago)

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omg youre gone and I vant find my labtop cord. all i see is your labtop cord did you ACCIDENTALLLY pick mines up. you wouldnt know where it is would you?

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:07 PM (13 hours ago)

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hey so im just going out on a ledge. its possible i miscounted but are you eating my dinners? 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:08 PM (13 hours ago)

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please let the people downstairs know my food is off limits and if it anything was eaten they owe me money 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:08 PM (13 hours ago)

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so i was trying yo be cordial and respectful. I'm not a conflict person but you seem obstinate tell possibly quilty parties need to know information. those are unfortunately your house guest so if they have taken something of mine you owe me on their behalf. that is my food for the rest of the month. you should not have known that but food is missing so I have to make you aware. thats 8 meals a total of 11.40.

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:08 PM (13 hours ago)

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im sorry looking at my receipt i didnt even have what I purchased. missing one that would be 1280. one is missing from what i brought as we 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:09 PM (13 hours ago)

to me

I see alot of traffic and alot of noise.

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:09 PM (13 hours ago)

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there is a bunch of people i want to say atleast three talking loudly in the front yard I understand its saturday but there are restaurants Othe places besides neighbor hood to cause disturbances in this quiet neighborhood 1048 at night 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:09 PM (13 hours ago)

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i am requesting 40 dollars for the food in the fridge. you told me to tell you what i need replacing 40 should replace it and that will include my dinner for tonight.

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:09 PM (13 hours ago)

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I did call you because you become upset when i tryto talk to you in person. i do understand your busy and you said monday at 2 but i did state in the previous texts that 40 is going towards yesterdays dinner its now near lunch the following day. and you are home. we are both adults i feel as though the games are unneccessary. i did as asked and I have to eat. i did also ask this morning you check your text messages. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:10 PM (13 hours ago)

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downstairs

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:10 PM (13 hours ago)

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i did call the cops. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 8:10 PM (14 hours ago)

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i am waiting for the cops 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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you can give me the 40 dollars or I can deduct it from rent. its up to you. all that food is going in the trash.

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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you were given a 100.00 security deposit on the 30th as well as 580 on the third along with a lease to sign which you said you were going to sign after you oncorporated my lease into your lease. you took money with promise of a lease that incorporated both my lease and your lease. rent is 500 i paid 50 for coming 3 days early and 30 forgas for taking me back and forth to sglindas Reply

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

to me

thats why 580 was paid on the third rent is 500. you also answered an ad which put me on a desperate situation and highlighted in great detail our lease agreement. it is now the 21st and you not yet mentioned signing the lease but you took money 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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the lease I created and gave to you states a 30 days notice is required to terminate the lease i also mandated any thing regarding me and my stay be kept confidential. i also requested any information obtained be destroyed upon me moving out like income verification and id 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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the last one was that if any 30 days notice is given by any party i be given an additional 30 days if i am not successful finding somewhere to go. you bulked at this one saying you were declining. i have a copy as well. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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you rent a room where anything can go wrong at any time checking your texts at least daily is required and especially after i tell you continuously to check your texts. these are my last text about anything as you are not behaving in an adult manner. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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the food was thrown away i have pictures you pytting it back doesnt help you its starts lookibg like...i have a pic from yesterday of the food thrown out im taking a pic of the food being put back in the fridge. the food was put back in by you when all was in the trash.

Today

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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nice house its unfortunate 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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I will be pursuing a suit for the couples name that was down stairs and who appeared to have moved out. my food was in that fridge for about a week before i stopped eating it. i will take this house. i want their names and contact information. (no subject)

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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i still may take your house. i dont play those games 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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these people were upstairs slamming doors in your kitchen and you dont care so either you are apart of it or you stupid but I will sue gor their names and their onformation. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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i am a virgin so should that be compromised say goodbye to your house you ignored multiple warnings

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

to me

i want their phone number or I will sue you gor it. up to you. Reply

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2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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if you talk to them you start with their are cameras in the kitchen do not tell them you are unsure of anything. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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i see you brought new milk. so you must be concerned. must be.

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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i am interested to know why you keep saying they still are here. gone since like two days ago to my knowledge door slamming over 20 times in 15 minutes 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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i noticed the food you brought die Coke soda i hope its not a sad attempt to harras me because at tgis point it is criminal harrassment and you are apart of it food tampering is a crime. along with food poisoning. you can turn this into a joje but you are souley responsible for another tenants behavior ir maybe it was you and thats why you blocked the letter letting them know my food was off limits. either way i will be suing. secondly you need to change your front door locks and that should happen whenever a tenant moves out. if i cannit enjoy my food you owe me howevee much money i spent in rent when I leave. you seem to cant be bothered maybe a judge will make you care. maybe you had the white couple move in to blam suspicious criminal activity on them either way. a suit. i dont play those games. im a grown ass woman half your age acting with more sense than you. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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also its freezing in the house has been since the last week it be great if you turn the heat on. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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you were called although I never brought the i dont read texts spill. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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noticed this from upstairs leaving the kitcgen

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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youve been gone all-day to my knowledge. door has been open all day and i had no clue 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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i could lie and say someone came in trued to robbed me anything and youd be on trial for attempted murderer. the games need to stop youre a grown ass woman begging to go to jail

2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net Oct 22 (12 days ago)

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im going to need the money by tomorrow. secondly when are these people leaving? to me

i suggest you be proactive before YOU be outside its not a threar its a promise. i will sue you and take this house Only the following message is out of order 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 4:28 AM (2 minutes ago)

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i was instructed to call the police back as events happen. don't run next time. last time i called the police you left. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 4:28 AM (2 minutes ago)

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i wake up from a nap i find bridgette here shes talking about things that have nothing to do with me. shes been harassing call me boo boo. saying sue boo boo. i sent it to bridgette as proof it has happened 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 4:29 AM (3 minutes ago)

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this is following her and daughters harrassing behavior after receiving the civil suit. her daughter knowing anything breaches our lease agreement. i dont care if the daughter know shes has a roomate byt i made this lease agreement with bridgette. her daughter was also harassing mockibgly asking me my name because i put a different name in the civil suit i sent bridgette yesterday via email which is why her daughter came to see me. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 4:29 AM (3 minutes ago)

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i did record them yesterday when they became loud and agressive walked away after a whilw. the daughter threatened to call the cops because i walked off on them refuse to stay and talk. i filed an additional police report online about their behavior for security purposes. 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 4:30 AM (3 minutes ago)

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Also i did tell you rent would be 460 this mont due to my food being thrown in the trash. All updates. please let me know if you have any questions 2023412145@mms.cricketwireless.net 4:30 AM (3 minutes ago)

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um i understood you heard noise but im in the bathroom abd I did say repeatedly everything's fine. yet you barge in while im on the toilet. and i have to tell you multiple times to close the door you opened. if i have to tell you whats wrong with that picture. god help you. im on the toilet and we are on strangers then you are attempting to get upset i nearly tripped on an inanimate object in the bathroom. its amazing. if i had been seriously hurt its a suit. let stuff go or better yet listen when I say everything's fine. you worked up over nothing. of im not screaming and yelling and I almost tripped you certainly dont have a reason to be upset. Please note these texts happened over a course of aout 10 to 14 days I emailed them all on on abot two days so you will see two dates. The last are emails of events that have happened in the past few days.

Lease Agreement 3 messages

Thu, Nov 2, 2017 at 3:18 PM To: Bridgette came to me saying---again repeatin herself-- she boldy state me coming to her with a CONCERN is breaking a rule she never game me. She is just now showing me a sheet of paper about rules and its TITLED IMMEDIATE TEERMINATION OF LEASE. I say mam I'm quite I don't bother anyone I have the right to come to you with a concern like OPEN food and she she is saying if SHE hears something and believes it DIDNT happen she is not going to talk to ANYONE. So pretty much she wants me to sign that there are no consequences to actions and that her retalion is allowed. She made up a list of house rules off WHAT HAS HAPPENED and what she provoked. he call me talking to her about CONCERNS accusations and LYING. Only NICE FRINDLY text are allowed. I say I have no problem wit house rules. I love rule its keep order. I say I will sign but you need to change the title it says housed rules then IMMEDIATE TERMINATION OF LEASE IN big bold letters. she tries to play me and say she will give me a lease to sign with it. I say I will sign it If you change the title. or add to it to clearly state this a I a supplmenet to lease agreement and if these rules are broken its immediate termination of leae. She refused to change the title saying shes not changing anything and if I wont sign it shes going to the judge to get a 30 days notice.  I'm not signing it it appears like I agreed to be immediately terminated.  Secondly I let her know in the beginning of the conversation I haven't broken any rules we have no had conflict except for broken toilet she tries to put on me which she had to HAve FIXED. I'm QUIET. I say I didn't give you a thirty days notice you are attempting to give me one in retaltion for saying I have a concern about OPEN food and taken food. We have a lease agreement whether she likes it or not. She is trying to over talk me and say we don't have a lease agreement we do. She tries to make me look crazy and show me what a  lease agreement is. I say I know that looks just like what I gave  you in the beginning of the month. She tells me someone wants to give me a deposit for decmeber I say You gave me till Janurary and I cant tell you how Long IT WILL TAKE CONSIDERING it took over 6 weeks  to find this this place. Craigslist is full of fake ad. I didn't gibve you a thirty days notice purposefully. I didn't cause the problem the romates cause this problem.

Thu, Nov 2, 2017 at 3:20 PM I also ask her if there are cameras in the kitchen You cannot think WHITE stranger are angels because they are white. Criminals come in ALL colors. Unless you have a camera in the kitchen you cant tell me they didn't do ANYTHING. I also ask her about the door slamming she says she gave me them permission to slam the door 20 times. I am calm anyone gets incenses when they realize they are talking to stupid ignorant people voice probably became a little loud but I think it was more because I was making too much sense. [Quoted text hidden]

Thu, Nov 2, 2017 at 3:24 PM *She gave them permission to slam the door twenty times. IM going to leave that alone, Something wrong with her. I'm trying to tell you a modern day slave. I'm going to hit up Stephen Spelileberg. On Tue, Oct 17, 2017 at 5:46 PM, SHE SET A time for us to meet in the house, I see the broad atleast three times a  day I had to ambush her to talk today at breakfast because she IGNORES my text even after I say did you read my text two days later oh no I have to read them she is always on her phone. NO mam you then owe me this month and last months rents and I will fucking leave. If I cannot trust my food in the house I don't have a place to stay you owe me money and I will be excessive because you don't have sense and then you think you going to strong arm with a 30 days notice bitch I will take your house ad leave your ass outside. Wed, Nov 1, 2017 at 8:34 AM So Bridgette comes to me today saying she will give me till january if I need it. shes aware of the fake ads shes telling me she doesn't check her texts. I stop talking to bridgette in person because she gets upset secondly its easier and its awkward.when I had nothing to do with it. shes telling me someone is moving in today a woman in the room next door. she then goes back to the food shes attempting to tell me this couple has all this money and im assuming they paid 500 for the 7 days thats 200 cheaper then extended stay and its a whole room for two people with a private entrance. she says they asked to use the fridge for leftovers in the whole time theyve been here ive never seen leftovers except coffe left in the microwave. she claims their first night they went to some expensive restaurant in dc with lobster and it's 54 dollars a person she couldn't tell me the restaurant name. i can see you seeing a bag or a container but I find it hard to believe they told you what they ordered. she keeps trying to imply i opened the container. that i possibly made a mistake. and she says she told them to come upstairs. that's why I Have to sue because after they leave shes telling me she talked to them. when she originally while they were here was not allowing me to talk to them or even entertaining she go talk to them. she keeps saying white military couple. then she attempts to take shots at my meals i didnt care but if bitches hungry one dollar 10 dollars its food. I'm still not convinced it wasn't her. i counted 14 meals the night of the 12th. why are you in a room with your wife making all that money. exactly you a lie. people look for other resources when they poor. if i have money lets find a hotel for 7 fucking days. smfh. she tries to again hit me up for money. says the water bill is high. she says you take three showers a day. i say no two once in a blue moon ill take three if im upset. but i say the showers normally are 15 minutes but i will cut it down and i said you had two people here from the 12 to the 19th and the day i did laundry. the dude was just running water might have been for a bath im not sure.but no matter what my rent is 500. end of discussion everything included. her best bargain is me cutting down on shower time. she is looking for the water bill now. [Quoted text hidden]

Wed, Nov 1, 2017 at 8:48 AM The water is off. bridgette is claiming its roadside assistance but due to her whole little speech. she didnt pay the water bill. and cant eat my oatmeal. [Quoted text hidden]

Wed, Nov 1, 2017 at 9:50 AM To: Right before I go to take a shower and wash out underwear she comes at me again arguing. She says she wants her rent in full. I fI cant give it to her the way she wants it shes giving me till DECEMEBER. She then says she will eat the food in front of me. nothing Is wrong with it. I said the container wa reseaed and the container inside was OPEN. and considering someone took a lot of my meals its no loneger a possibility Walmart is responsible secondly I have never seen a lean cusine meal open like that. And due to her needing money I'm pretty sure it was either Bridgette or hr guest. I tell her I'm barely eating not eating properly for 10 dayS. sHE TOOK ETHE FOO DOUT THE TRASH mind you its frozen food and had been sitting there for HOURSE I mean probably atleast 5 hours if not more in the house and she puts it back in the fridge. I say you can do whatever you want with the food you placed  the food I through in the trash ack in the fridge I don't want it. Youc an eat it do whatever you want it. Its possible ALL thosef rozen meals have been tampered with. you are responsible for your guest behavior. especially if I'm paying you rent but cant enjoy food. I paid for. SHE says I'm going to the judge I'm going to give you till December. if I cant get my rent the way I want it. This is right before I realize the water is cut off. [Quoted text hidden]

Wed, Nov 1, 2017 at 9:58 AM To: Like if I had to go to work or I had somewhere to go today it would be a suit. No running water and I'm going to starve all my food needs water ramen noodles and oatmeal. [Quoted text hidden]

Wed, Nov 1, 2017 at 10:38 AM To: The water is just being turned back on. Probably with  the money the girl moving in gave her She received 680 on the third no excuse poor. SMFH lol The first thing Bridgette brought when I gave her the 100 was food from Walmart and not even snacks green celey shit SMFH lol On Wed, Nov 1, 2017 at 9:58 AM,  wrote: Like if I had to go to work or I had somewhere to go today it would be a suit. No running water and I'm going to starve all my food needs water ramen noodles and oatmeal. On Wed, Nov 1, 2017 at 9:50 AM, wrote: Right before I go to take a shower and wash out underwear she comes at me again arguing. She says she wants her rent in full. I fI cant give it to her the way she wants it shes giving me till DECEMEBER. She then says she will eat the food in front of me. nothing Is wrong with it. I said the container wa reseaed and the container inside was OPEN. and considering someone took a lot of my meals its no loneger a possibility Walmart is responsible secondly I have never seen a lean cusine meal open like that. And due to her needing money I'm pretty sure it was either Bridgette or hr guest. I tell her I'm barely eating not eating properly for 10 dayS. sHE TOOK ETHE FOO DOUT THE TRASH mind you its frozen food and had been sitting there for HOURSE I mean probably atleast 5 hours if not more in the house and she puts it back in the fridge. I say you can do whatever you want with the food you placed  the food I through in the trash ack in the fridge I don't want it. Youc an eat it do whatever you want it. Its possible ALL thosef rozen meals have been tampered with. you are responsible for your guest behavior. especially if I'm paying you rent but cant enjoy food. I paid for. SHE says I'm going to the judge I'm going to give you till December. if I cant get my rent the way I want it. This is right before I realize the water is cut off. [Quoted text hidden] Relief Bridgette Is forced to hand over contact information regarding the couple I am requesting a criminal investigation after the couple has been contacted. I am requesting a criminal investigation of Bridgette Molyneaux I am requesting jail time if evidence warrants an arrest. I am requesting the sum of Bridgette’s house or 400,000. While Im aware this I not the best situation anything Is better then being homeless. Should I not find anywhere to go by December 3rd I AM REQUETING the judge mandate Bridgette give me till Janurary 3rd or I find somewhere to go since I was not the on to mandate a 30 days notice. It is actually retaliation on Bridgettes end. I have told the story to tell the housemate to get the truth she gets upset at me even wanting to talk talk to them about anything. Either she is the guilty party or she is a slave, press for white people. But Due to its possible that Its Bridgette tampering with my food. Im  going to lie and say I placed a camera in the kitchen upon moving in. I have an email from my old roomates in which I goaded. Im going to paste it with the suit to scare Bridgette into telling the truth. But I need this portion redacted from even Bridgette’s view. I am requesting this  WHOLE SUIT be sealed but Bridgette is the defendant and has to see the suit. I am requesting jus this last portion be redacted from her view. It Is for the judge’s Eyes only.

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New Post has been published on Attendantdesign

New Post has been published on https://attendantdesign.com/maggie-ofarrell-ive-revealed-the-secrets/

Maggie O’Farrell: 'I've revealed the secrets

N a mean yr, Maggie O’Farrell comes near death several instances. Seized with terror, she dials 999 and is rushed to hospital in a white-knuckle sprint that navigates the border of existence and death. Breathing becomes not possible, the pores and skin bubbles and blisters; as consciousness fades, cardiac arrest may be simply minutes away. The death O’Farrell needs to come this near, over and again, isn’t her personal however her daughter’s.

O’Farrell’s middle infant is eight years old. Ever since the age of two,

she has suffered excessive allergic reactions among 12 and 15 instances a 12 months, which can be brought on by means of – and this list is some distance from exhaustive – sitting beside someone who ate muesli for breakfast, or at a desk where sesame seeds have been lately fed on; sharing a paddling pool with someone carrying sun cream containing almond oil; touching the hand of a person who has eaten nuts or eggs or salad with pumpkin oil; ingesting a biscuit picked up with tongs used in advance to hold a brownie; being stung by means of a bee.

At simply six, O’Farrell’s eldest infant needed to be taught how to dial 999 and say, “This is an emergency case of anaphylaxis”if his sister went into shock. The nearby A&E workforce greets her by name; her representative has cautioned her mother and father in no way to take her beyond the range of a good medical institution. They in no way, ever leave the house with out her remedy.

“We live, then,” O’Farrell writes, “in a nation of excessive alert.”

The novelist had not intended to jot down a memoir. She used to the funny story along with her husband, the writer William Sutcliffe, that she turned into as probable to emerge as a mathematician as to write approximately her private life. “I never, ever notion I’d do it. It just felt to me it would place too much of a tax on buddies and own family” she tells me when we meet in a London membership. O’Farrell began writing I Am, I Am, I Am (the name is taken from Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar) as “a non-public mission”, or even after signing an agreement with her publishers, nonetheless thought she might lose her nerve and want to pull out of the deal.

She refused to accept an strengthen, because “I didn’t want the stress of having to pay it all back if I modified my mind. It felt greater liberating to me to jot down it without any expectation.” The publishers pointed out that they needed to pay her something to make the settlement felony, so she settled for a pound.

Were there moments whilst she was significantly taken into consideration canceling?

“Yes, continuously,” she laughs. “Several instances an afternoon. I wasn’t even without a doubt certain right up until a couple of months in the past that I could publish it.”

At eight, O’Farrell shrunk encephalitis and was hospitalized in isolation for months. Everyone expected her to die The e-book exists, in the long run, for one motive only: O’Farrell wanted to help her youngsters remember that her daughter’s proximity to mortality isn’t always their particular curse, however in reality notably not unusual. She realised she should come up with 17 of her very own near encounters with demise, and I Am, I Am, I Am is an account of a majority of these events in her 45 years, while, as her very own mother positioned it, “I don’t like to think what may have come about.” The memoir is a literary exercise in normalizing the near-dying revel in.

The 17 variety from a chilling near-miss come across in her teens with a murderer to an ambush through a machete-wielding thief on a faraway seashore in Chile. She nearly drowned twice, hemorrhaged catastrophically in the course of her first labor and nearly died of amoebic dysentery in China. Other chapters are much less dramatic – an HIV takes a look at following the discovery of her boyfriend’s infidelity; a near brush with a passing lorry while out on foot – but all are crafted with O’Farrell’s trademark economic system and manipulate. She is a breathtakingly properly author and brings all her beauty and poise as a novelist to the story of her own lifestyles.

The self-portrait found out in its pages, though, is as a substitute extreme, and nothing like the character I meet today. More than twenty years in the past, O’Farrell and I labored within the identical workplace, and even though we didn’t, in reality, realize each different, I wouldn’t have known from her memoir the pleased presence I bear in mind from the one’s days. “Contrary” and prone to tantrums as a baby, O’Farrell’s account of her adult self is frequently further upset and prickly. Yet in person, she is nothing like that at all. She is heat and smooth, brief to chuckle, complete of correct humor and generosity. The discrepancy is so striking, I recommend she’s been alternatively unfair on herself in the e book.

“Really? Hmmm. Maybe,” she concedes. “I assume I am pretty tough on myself, however, I assume you need to be. I imply all of us are, aren’t we?”

The mystery of how one’s own mind compares with others’ has always particularly deep for O’Farrell, because at 8 she shrunk encephalitis and became hospitalized in isolation for months. Everyone expected her to die; one night, she even overheard a nurse out of doors her door tell some other patient, “Hush. There’s a touch lady death in there.”

The damage to her cerebellum has left her with lifelong bodily impairments, but the neurological legacy also can consist of developments including irritability, oversensitivity and, she writes, “a profound feeling of unease and dissatisfaction”. Does she feel that her personality has been determined through the disease?

“That’s what’s unusual. I can’t tell. Maybe it’s a piece like having a pin in a broken bone. Your frame grows around it and it turns into part of you, doesn’t it? Your character absorbs it. I don’t realize wherein the encephalitis ends and I begin, and that is which.”

Maggie O’Farrell along with her Maggie  daughter when she  revealed becomes a child secrets 

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Maggie O’Farrell with her daughter whilst she was a baby. Photograph: Graham Turner for the Guardian She can in no way make sure, either, if it’s what made her a novelist. From the earliest age, she wrote compulsively, “however I suppose my contamination probable, sure, made me into an observer, an interpreter of what was occurring around, the unstated. It additionally made me right into a reader.” Confined to a mattress, she read conventional novels time and again. “And the eighth or ninth time, you begin to suppose: why did the author trade irritating right here? Or why does this ebook begin with a verbal exchange, as opposed to a description? You begin wondering in the one’s terms.”

Born in Ulster to Irish parents, O’Farrell grew up along with her two sisters in Wales and Scotland, where her father lectured in economics. Always educational, she studied English at Cambridge, and had planned to do a doctorate – but her consequences weren’t suitable sufficient. She started out her career as an arts journalist. She posted her first novel, After You’d Gone, in 2000, and following her 2d, My Lover’s Lover, years later has become a full-time novelist. She has when you consider that published five extra, one in all which, The Hand That First Held Mine, won the Costa e-book award, and all of which have been significantly acclaimed hits. Spare and unsentimental, but hauntingly brilliant and suspenseful, her work deals with love, loss and all of the undying complexities of the human circumstance.

“I certainly love writing,” she says. “It’s the most effective element I ever virtually wanted to do. I by no means understand when I pay attention writers saying it’s suffering. I continually suppose, well, don’t do it then! Do something else. Go work within the coalmine. Go be a barista – see the way you revel in that,” she chuckles dryly.

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Jaws of Neptune (part VIII)

 In which there is a calm before the storm | chapter I | pt i | pt ii | pt iii | pt iv | pt v | pt vi | pt vii

Haru’s dreams were strange that night. He dreamt of broken teeth and tempests and the haunting, unseeing eyes of the Vodacce Fate Witch. When he awoke, it was to a pounding on his door and Mr. Beckett’s voice coming from the other side.

“Rise, if you please, Mr. Haru! I run a tight ship!” Hard wooden soles shuffled outside the door, more than like the young lieutenant pacing back and forth. “We’re going up in the rigging, so it’s shoes or nothing!”

Haru rose slowly, though it was still with more speed than he would have demonstrated were he comfortably back home. The alcohol from the night before had his head feeling cotton-stuffed and his throat dry. With some dismay he realized he had fallen asleep fully dressed; a first in his life.

Splashing some water on his face - there was still some in a pitcher from some days before, he couldn’t rightly recall - he pulled his hair up into a topknot and set to answering the door. His ribs still ached, as did his head, but he would work through both.

“Good morning, Mr. Haru,” Beckett said brightly, eyeing his newest charge. “Come along, then.” He began to walk briskly out onto the deck and into the odd silver light. “I do trust you remember some of the knots you were able to untie, because we’ll be tying some today.” A grin broke across his face at the prospect.

Dutifully, Haru followed the lieutenant across the deck, nodding at his question before remembering himself and adding a “Yes, sir.” The words sounded and felt strange; he counted Beckett more a friend than a superior, but it was how things were done here on the Ivory Maiden.

Without much ado, Beckett hopped up into the rigging, pulling himself up as agile as any monkey despite his clunky shoes and woolen uniform. “Come on, then!” He called, spurring Haru on. A few men were sitting atop the smaller mast they ascended; the smallest of the three on the ship. “This is the Mizzen-mast and, like the others, she’s tall to catch the wind!”

At first, Haru’s climbing was slow, painfully so for the more experienced Beckett, but the novice sailor didn’t much relish the thought of escaping a beating death to only do himself in through carelessness. However, as he grew more familiar and comfortable with the precarious perches the ropes presented, his speed and dexterity increased.

Strange as it might have been, Haru found that his time in his daimyo’s court helped in this new task. There he had need to remember not only faces but names and titles, familial connections, enemies and lovers, peculiar interests and eccentric dislikes. This attention and retention of detail served him now in recalling the names of the crew he met as well as the strange names for the ship’s anatomy.

Once they had reached the top of the mast, there was a crossbeam and Haru saw where the ropes on the deck actually lead. It was so much more complex than the Rokugani vessels he had sailed on back home. The two men he sighted were not familiar and Beckett grinned down at him as he made the introductions. “Mr. Haru, this is Swann and MacConnell.”

Swann, a ginger-haired man with small and flinty eyes muttered a greeting. MacConnell, larger than his fellow and sporting a dark beard, wore what appeared to be a skirt and offered a curt nod. “Laddie-buck.”

Swann and MacConnell were greeted with a polite “Good morning” and smile; he was still unsure what the proper protocol was amongst the crew. The captain he knew was greeted with knuckles pressed to the forehead and a deferential ‘sir’, Berek rated low bows and a ‘m’lord.’ But amongst the men, he had witnessed curt nods, hurled insults, and cheerful words; having no real experience amongst the more common elements, it left him slightly off-balance socially.

Over the next few hours, Haru got used to moving around on the net, raising and lowering the sails, and learning where the ropes went to the deck. By the end, his arms and legs ached from holding onto the rope, but much of the mystery of the men’s duties were beginning to unravel.

Pausing in his morning’s work, with Beckett’s leave, Haru turned his attention from sails and ropes and masts and looked out on the water come sky. Though they were far removed from its shores, he could almost believe that any one of Rokugan’s sea demons and spirits lived in these sterling seas.

A series of bells rang and lunch was called for, interrupting his reverie and bringing to light that he must have slept through breakfast. He was informed that he would dining with the lieutenants, a group that weren’t much better than the men. They were all younger, teenagers by and large, their elders having been lost during battles at sea and their time in Rokugan. Lunch was a less formal affair than dinner the previous night and Haru, unfortunately, experienced the food of the common man.

A cut of beef, still somewhat rare and smelling of salt, a serving of nearly wilted vegetables, and a hard roll which, to his horror, contained a weevil. Beckett laughed, pointing with a fork at the invader. “Here, now, you’re evicting him, Mr. Haru!” The lieutenants shared a laugh, only somewhat at his expense.

He took lunch as well instride as he could. Self-conscious not only for his unfamiliarity with the younger men, but also because of what had just transpired between Barrows and himself, Haru did his best to answer the questions put to him. The lieutenants were a friendly, curious bunch and put just as many, if not more, questions to him regarding Rokugan as he had put to Berek and Lannigan the prior evening. The food presented was only partially eaten and, then, only because he knew he needed to eat something to avoid fainting from hunger during the day.

As lunch ended, the bells rung again and everyone fell back to formalities in the face of resumed duties. Each lieutenant filed out of the mess hall, returning abovedecks and to his workcrew. Mr. Beckett approached Haru, a wry smile on his be-freckled face. “I hope lunch wasn’t all that terrifying …”

“I’m not … much accustomed to finding insects in my food, but I think I’ll survive.” The sardonic grin that accompanied his words faded to something more genuine as he added, “Your fellow lieutenants seem a good sort, though …”

“Weevils are a fact of navy life, Mr. Haru, though I do agree that it’s quite distasteful.” Beckett nodded in agreement with his secondary statement. “Aye, they’re fine lads. We’ve grown closer ever since we arrived in your lands. We see each other more … honestly.”

Beckett walked with Haru across the deck and pointed up to the bow of the ship. Captain Hayes and Doctor MacMorgan were there, Hayes with his sketchbook and MacMorgan with a small squeeze-box. “Meeting with the brass, Mr. Haru,” Beckett explained, catching Hayes’ eye and pointed nod. He saluted his captain and took a step back. “We’ve knots to tie when you’re finished!”

Haru stepped forward and, again, wished something could be done for his appearance; barefoot and battered, his clothes now two days old and slept in, hair sloppily tied and just beginning to show new growth, face bruised and sun-pink, he hardly resembled the courtier he still viewed himself to be.

“Captain Hayes, doctor,” he said in greeting, bowing in the habit he maintained. The shadow of a grimace passed over his face as a stab of pain shot through his side and, if he were honest, the awful sound coming from the box in the doctor’s hands.

“Mr. Haru,” Owen smiled, his sketching stopping for cradled in the crook of one arm was a sketchbook and in his opposite hand was a stump of a pencil.

The doctor ceased working his awful instrument as well and waved his patient closer. “Ah, yes, let’s see to those bruises. What a face to make, ser, are you in pain?” He asked, the strange tentacle-like instrument falling off his knee and squawking like several angered gulls as it extended to its full length.

“It’s not so bad, more discomfort than actual pain,” Haru answered, lying in a misplaced effort to protect what remained of his pride as he removed his shirt. “The rest you prescribed has helped.” This, at least, was the truth.

His movements were stiff from rope climbing and damaged ribs, and his cheeks colored slightly at the immodesty of the situation, standing half-naked for all the crew to see. The bruising along his one side had gone ugly in its healing; deep purples fading to sickly yellow-green. The scrapes and cuts along both arms were scabbed over and the worst of them would undoubtably leave scars.

The damage rendered to his face remained a mystery. He hadn’t seen his reflection since before boarding the ship, though tentative touches told him he was healing. Or so he assumed; as of yet, no one had recoiled in horror at the sight of him. The thought of carrying scars forever wounded his lingering vanity, though, but then so did the sight of his red-raw, blistered hands. This voyage, it seemed, was determined to rob him of everything he had once been.

“There’s jaundicing, that’s good,” Doctor MacMorgan said, leaning his bulk forward. He tapped at Haru’s ribs lightly, then his sternum. Arms were raised and lowered, his patient turned ‘round and chin grabbed to better look at the state of his pupils. His examination lingered for a moment over the twin scars in Haru’s breast; arrow wounds, long since healed.

“Theus’ sake, man, he’s not a side of beef,” Hayes objected, frowning as the doctor continued his poking and prodding.

MacMorgan chuckled, “We are all made of meat, good captain; a doctor, it should follow, would make a more than passable butcher.” He reached down to the black satchel by his seat and pulled out a neatly wound length of clean linen bandages. With quick, experienced fingers, he wrapped Haru’s ribs tight and replaced the bandages around his wrist. His expression said that was healing well, too.

Owen tsked, standing just that much closer to Haru, as if to support him with his presence. “It isn’t anything to -“

The doctor held up a hand. “Nothing to worry about.” He cleared his throat, giving his patient a pointed look. “It will do no good to lie to a physician, ser, and worse if he is a Highland Marcher like me. I appreciate your stoic nature, but I know better, laddie.”

“You may dress yourself, Mr. Haru. I’ll make it a point to prepare more bandages and perhaps a salve, for the bruising. Ah.” MacMorgan reached into his pocket, coming out with a watch on a chain. He hung it in front of Haru; the front served as a small mirror. “A salve will help with … your face as well.” He smiled apologetically.

Haru gladly slipped his shirt back on and carefully cupped the watch-come-mirror in one hand. Gone was the carefully cultivated complexion, cool fawn always so perfectly accentuated by rich blues, replaced by something more wan, unhealthy. High cheekbones, so prized, now bore blue blossoms where once they had been perfectly palest pink; once pillow soft lips showed cracks and a red line just caught the bottom edge, running to the chin where another bruise bloomed.

It felt silly, stupid, petty, to be so dismayed by the injuries inflicted. Surely Lannigan didn’t care so much about the state of his nose. But then the sailor hadn’t been born into a family, a clan, that prided itself so deeply on beauty and perfection. He didn’t expect any of the Thean crew to understand, though he suspected Owen would make an effort, so he cleared the disappointment from face, if not mind, and handed MacMorgan back his time piece.

“Thank you, doctor. I appreciate all your ministrations; surely, that I am here is testament to your skill …”

The doctor replaced his pocketwatch into his vest - and the flash of a silver flask could be seen as he moved his coat - and he nodded. “Quite welcome, Mr. Haru.” He cleared his throat and reseated the spectacles on his nose, uncomfortable with the high praise. “Well, I do try my best …”

Perhaps because he saw something of that sadness and disappointment in his lover’s expression, Owen passed along the sketchbook he had been working in. Prominent on the page were a self portrait of the captain and a portrait of the doctor. In one corner, though, a hidden detail could be picked out: Haru climbing the rigging with Beckett a step or two above him.

“When will I have this chance again?” He asked with a sly smile.

Haru met the captain’s smile with his own, murmuring, “I would sit for something closer if you wished …” as he handed the book back to its owner.

“We can make a night of it, Mr. Haru,” Owen promised.

Doctor MacMorgan, happily oblivious to his captain and patient’s flirtations, hefted his strange instrument once more and began to play it; he hit several sour notes. “It drives Lord Berek MAD,” he grinned ferally, relishing the reclusive lord’s dislike.

Haru’s expression shifted from coy to one of polite interest as he looked to the doctor. Biting back a wince and grimace the thing’s atrocious noises aroused within him, he forced his smile wider saying, “Ahh, yes, I can see that such a unqiue instrument would not be … appreciated by just anyone …”

“Aye, well, a surgeon I may be, but I can never seem to tune my oldest friend.” The doctor the instrument and buckled it together with a clever arrangement of straps. “A pity; once it was a raiser of spirits and entertainment. Now it’s been relegated to my petty revenge on that — that —“ He glanced up to the captain and cleared his throat once more. “Lord Berek.”

[lizzylightning]

Overdue Update. AKA - The Hospital Post

Damn Tumblr, it has been a minute. I've intended to make a post several times and actually began a few of them but have found myself too mentally drained to put forth the effort to finish them. It's your lucky day though, work is slow and I need something to do to maintain sanity whilst I sit in the floor waiting for my next run so you win Tumblr, YOU WIN. Life has been simultaneously wonderful and mega stressful, it's beginning to seem as though that's just its nature although I really wish it weren't. Since I was too foolish to see when I last made a post before this one, I can't exactly remember what has gone on since then but I'll do my best to hit a few of the high points. About a month ago both my girlfriend and I experienced a terrible weekend that began with her fainting on me three times due to dehydration that was caused by some mild food poisoning (pro tip: don't eat meat that's been left open in the fridge for two weeks) and ending with me in the hospital for dehydration myself. Drew had been feeling a little off prior to us starting to cook dinner that Friday evening but she figured it was just because she was hungry, during making spaghetti she felt like she needed to sit down so I took over cooking duties for her. She sat there for a few moments and then had to run to the bathroom, upon her return she didn't look well, she was pale, very clammy and cool to the touch. The first time she fainted it was your stereotypical fainting event, she felt like she was on the way out and then slowly collapsed in the floor, I rushed over to her and she quickly came to. I gave her some water and our roommate, after hearing all the commotion of me trying to wake her came out and gave her a granola bar to eat. She appeared to be feeling somewhat better so she sat while I finished dinner and then we ate. Shortly after eating dinner she began to throw up, we both attributed this to her having eaten some long out of date pepperoni left over from the pizza she had made me on Valentines Day (did I mention she's the best?) she had eaten for lunch that day. She clearly wasn't feeling well post vomiting but not really much worse than one would expect, so neither of us worried too much. That didn't last long though, a few minutes later she went to the bathroom again and less than a minute after she went in I heard a thud all the way from our room. I burst into the bathroom to find her on the toilet slumped over against the wall, completely unconscious with both her eyes and mouth wide open. This time it took me a solid 30 seconds to wake her back up, she was cold, clammy and completely out of it. She slowly regained function over the next few minutes but just barely. As I sat there with her telling her that I was going to take her to the hospital, her eyes rolled back, her head fell back, started gritting her teeth and something I've still decided if it was gasping for breath or snoring. It was around this time I went into full freak out mode, I desperately tried to wake her up but it took a full minute and when I finally got her to respond she was so woozy she could hardly sit up. I cleaned her up the best I could, sort of carried her to the car and rushed her to the hospital. It was around 1pm on Saturday at this point. I would be thankful that we currently live within minutes of the hospital if it weren't for the fact that we sat in the waiting room for nearly 4 hours before she was taken back to be seen by a doctor. 4 hours of sitting in an uncomfortable chair, in a cold room, watching my severely dehydrated and as I felt at the time, potentially dying girlfriend sitting in a wheelchair across from me. I've been thru so many tough times and traumatic experiences in my life but even by this point this was by far the scariest thing I've ever experienced. I was so scared to lose her and felt so helpless... here I am a month later and still find myself welling up with tears here at work just thinking about it. Every time I walk into the bathroom at home I can't help but to remember the sight as I came thru the door and found her against the wall. I truly hope this was the last time we have to go thru anything like this for a long time. Anyway, after a mere eternity in the waiting room we were taken back to a room in the ER, from here things improved a lot... for a while at least. Once back in the room, the doctors and nurses unlike the nurses in reception, were reasonably respectful of my girlfriends pronouns. I think we both cut them a little slack because as of that time she had yet to get her name change completed or her gender marker on her ID changed, it sure was a motivator to get working on that, which she has since done. I am thankful that they did take her medical issues seriously, Drew has had hypertension for a long time and has been on two different blood pressure medications for years, so they were sure to give her an EKG and keep a steady eye on her BP and pulse. As soon as they got her started on an IV she seemed to regain some skin color and feel a little better despite being exhausted. We were both exhausted at that point, I had been up for 23 hours straight, so I pulled two chairs together enough to at least stretch my legs out and managed catch two half hour long naps while Drew got a good two hours worth of sleep. Her health thankfully continued to improve and she was released around 1pm Saturday. When we left the hospital she was not yet at a 100% but I would say she was at 75% at least, I could tell this because during the last few hours before her discharge, as we sat and watched tv she was practically drooling at every commercial that featured food. That's the Drew I know! I was so glad to finally be headed home to sleep but more importantly I was stoked to be headed to Subway, it had been nearly 15 hours since I had eaten by then. When we got home we both ate our subs and promptly went to sleep. Things get sort of hazy for me after that though. I do remember we woke up at some point and ate dinner, some time shortly after that my stomach became very upset and I began to have diarrhea and started vomiting. Drew thankfully was doing a lot better but my gastric distress continued throughout that evening and into the night. Initially I wasn't too worried about the situation with my stomach. I have both gastroparesis and bile salts malabsorption, if I eat too much too frequently, I vomit because of slow digestion due to my stomach muscle being paralyzed. If I eat too little or too infrequent, I'll have to deal with diarrhea, low blood sugar and some vomiting due to a complication from my gallbladder removal in 2003. We had spent so long in the hospital and the only snack machine I could find was broken so I just wasn't able to eat, this in turn completely destroyed my stomach... as soon as food hit it, my body rejected it. By the next morning I still wasn't feeling fantastic but anything was an improvement over the night before, so we started the day with breakfast and hoped for a quiet day of recovery. Within an hour I found myself in the bathroom and was very ill. I vomited until it hurt, until the undigested spaghetti from Friday night came back up (it was lunchtime Sunday at this point). I tried to eat crackers, I tried to rest, I tried to drink water but I couldn't even keep that down. Finally I reached a point where I could barely stand, I couldn't maintain conversation... I was so exhausted I found I had to choose between physical movement or talking as I no longer had the capability to do both at the same time. So yet again, roughly 48 hours after I had taken Drew to the hospital, she was driving me there. When we arrived I was a mess but I had very low expectation for treatment as I felt Drew had been much worse off than I and it took nearly 4 hours for her to be seen, so we began our wait. I was so thirsty and physically uncomfortable, it was only about 30 minutes in before I became so uncomfortable I couldn't take sitting in the chair any longer and decided to lay on the floor of the emergency room. In hindsight this was a poor decision, I can't fathom how gross that floor actually was, but in my fevered mind it was all I could do to survive. It took about an hour and a half before I was taken back to a room, the nurses and doctors poured in as they had done before, asking a million questions, including the ever frustrating "when was your last period? Never? Why is that? <insert confusion>" I got stabbed in the arm by a lovely gentleman who confided in me that a good friend of his had recently transitioned from FTM, and while I still have a bruise on my arm from the whiff he took finding my vein the first time, I enjoyed his friendliness. It used to be I would find myself annoyed with that sort of interaction, the whole "Hey! Your're trans! There's the other trans person I know too!" but amid the current political climate, it makes me feel good to know that there are CIS people who know at least one trans person. I don't think that can ever be a bad thing and hopefully they'll speak well of and stuck up for us during the ever present transphobic workplace conversations that crop up. Anywho, my treatment was fairly routine. I was severely dehydrated so the started an IV and gave me ice chips, which I have to say, when you're that dehydrated... ice chips are fucking heaven sent. I got two bags of fluid, about half way during the second bag they decided to start checking my vitals. I was so uncomfortable and in such a bad mood it only took a few minutes before I freaked out and removed the blood pressure cuff and pulse/blood oxygen sensor thingy, much to the displeasure of the in room monitors alarm. Thankfully the doctor could tell I was feeling better and didn't press the issue which was a relief, without pain meds I would rather die than have those contraptions on my arm. I got discharged around 9am and we both went home and slept all day long. It was glorious. I missed that day of work and the next which was a total bummer, but since my work is so physical there was no way I could've managed, upon my return on Wednesday I could hardly function, earlier than that would've been an impossibility. It took about two weeks before either of us made a full recovery and life, as always has been up and down. We've had some great days though, this weekend was particularly wonderful even though Drew has been dealing with allergies along with playing a show Saturday night, so now her voice makes her sound like she's about to do some rad skateboard tricks or something. Minor car troubles have been a thing too and there's some interesting news on that front, but I'll save that for my next entry. Until next time Tumblr... until next time....