#i should probably take my meds actually
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fuck there’s another episode of that fuckass show (not spooky month)/neg
#gotta love casual abelism hahah this is so funny 😐😐😐#THIS SHOW IS ASS#anyway i should probably watch the sm short everyone on that poll told me to so far but. ughhhhhhh#kevin makes me uncomfortable though and i don’t see any reason to watch it because it’s JUST him is it not?#i’m already on the verge of a breakdown#and if there are ANY implications of shipping i’d genuinely like. sob.#i should probably take my meds actually#anyway the dialogue in helluva boss is ass (that was the show i was talking about in this post)#NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS#ethan screams at the wall#i’m sooooo mentally stable right now <- lie
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If anyone remembers all the dental work I needed done uhhhhhhh three years ago and never went back and ran away forever…I’m finally going back to a dentist on Thursday to restart the process and face my deep and utter abiding terror. And I also scheduled my COVID and flu vaccines for a couple hours later. And my psych appointment to restart meds.
I figured get it all done in one day, have my miserable immune reaction on Friday that I seem to always get with Moderna COVID shots, and then flee directly into the weekend and never be a person again except when I’m on and off crying. It’s going to be so kind to future me to get these things done and I can do it no matter how much I feel like I am constantly about to Actually Physically Die.
#you can see why I’m restarting meds#my brain is constantly convincing me that my teeth are about to actually finish rotting out of my mouth and I probably have an abscess#already that is going to give me a jaw or heart infection#which is VERY unlikely#and that my dog is deeply sick and I should rehome her and give her to someone who’ll take proper care of her and isn’t me#yadda yadda#it’s been fucking miserable#the only good part is 1) I’m going to get the worst part over with (starting the process) and#2) even if I completely flee and refuse to go back I’ll have one dental cleaning at least helping with plaque buildup and stuff#this is so fucking EMBARRASSING it’s all so EMBARASSING#it shouldn’t be this hard for me and I know it’s irrational#I’m just so scared because it’s so triggering for me for NO REASON and#I KNOW that this time when we get to the multiple fillings and at least one root canal and also my impacted wisdom teeth that it’ll be#different and I won’t go un-numb or if I do again they’ll have better checks in place for when I panic lie to their faces#but it doesn’t help#and I’m so sure they’re gonna tell me I need three or more root canals because I’ve waited way way too long#and I STILL can’t consistently keep up with brushing and flossing#which is the most embarassing and shameful thing in the world and I KNOW#but I’m scared shitless of all of it and it’s all a sensory nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway I’m not going to be okay later this week and I’m not particularly okay now#so if I’m not around online much#that’s why#but I’m happy news Aoife and I are having some lovely walks this week and she’s very cute and snuggly and we played tug a lot of times yest#*yesterday and she also stayed sniffing a bush while a bike went past two feet away#instead of getting startled and needing to hop or bark at it and then calm down#I’m so proud of her#and I wouldn’t be able to do this at all without my very kind partner who spearheaded scheduling the dentist (and researching places)#after my jaw pain nervous breakdown last week#health#personal
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I realize that as difficult as it is being a caregiver it's also extremely fucked being the one in need of that care which can bring on all kinds of fun Thoughts And Feelings and I shouldn't take it personally when my father lashes out or snaps at me when I try to help or remind him of something, but it sure doesn't stop me from wanting to just be like ".....Bitch."
#it's been a rough couple of days >.<#emotionally i am a disgruntled frog puppet#mentally i am a sparking and smoldering toaster#also I should probably go take my meds and actually eat something#oy vey
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guhhh
#feel like shit#Have to go eat some stupid food so I can take my stupid meds for my stupid ear infection without throwing up#Then I should probably clean my room because it's becoming a bit of a depression den#uggggghhh#I need to find a therapist#Like one who actually has spots open that aren't in the middle of when I'm working#Why is it so hard to not kill yourself
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looking up info on keloid scarring is so helpful. thanks man I didn't think of trying that one
#well actually that kind of is relevant bc ive been trying to find more info abt tattooing keloid prone skin#which is effectively opting to wound urself. but everywhere is just like if ur keloid prone ummm. Don't do it 👍#theres not enough known abt keloids to predict if theyll be triggered or not by the healing process like it depends on so many things#i mostly get them from acne scars. but they dont always immediately appear sometimes its weeks or months after#n once u get them theyre permanent. treatments for them have a 100% rate of recurrence n will grow back bigger if u try to excise them#and they cant be tattooed over like other scars bc they dont hold ink n the irritation can cause them to get bigger too#it depends a lot on the tattoo artists skill/experience ig like u have to know Exactly how deep ur tattooing + how the wound will heal#bc if healing triggers keloids. well ill just end up with permanent scarring instead theres nothing i can do if it happens#which honestly might still look cool but its unpredictable bc they tend to extend past the original wound. n it wouldnt scar uniformly#urgh. i should probably talk to a gp n an actual tattooist abt it. i could ask to get like a rly small tattoo to test how my skin reacts#pointless thinking abt rn anyway cuz im not gonna get one any time soon i have some other shit to sort before that#but it would be so frustrating if i cant i have so many tattoo ideas i do rly want them.... :-(#ah well whatever.. im just procrastinating doing shit i need to crack on bc i cant spend another entire weekend doing nothing#after a month n a half of being on meds i feel like theyre becoming less effective. my task paralysis n focus is getting worse again :(#like its taking more and more effort its been rly noticeable at work. hoping its just bc of general mental health or poor sleep or smth#and not that im building tolerance or smth bc man. what else can i even do if that happens#this is gonna make me miserable to think abt so lets go do smth else!#at least i woke up feeling tons better today 💪💪💪 storm passed baby#.diaries
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Zzzzzzz mimimimimi
#tired#no thoughts head empty#I wanna do stuff#but no brain power#*sighs*#they should let me make commas in the tags#I love commas#gn who ever sees this#may you have a lovely no wakey cold pillow nigjt#maybe you’ll see me later hehehhe#(I forgot to take my sleep meds but I’m hoping it’ll be fine)#for sure I won’t just wake up in the middle of the night right??? that’d be crazyyyyyy#also (ignoring that nobody will have gone this deep into my tags) I removed all of the nd stuff in my bio because I didn’t show signs when -#was little#I’m getting trauma therapy though#I’m curious how much of my brain rn is trauma and how much is actually me/ my genetics /gen#very interesting#I’m hoping it will make all of/most of my mental health problems go away#but that would probably be too good to be true#‘s kinda funny when you think about it#my body has been in fight/ flight mode aka traumatized for 6? years now?#man that’s a long time#wow#I didn’t realize it was that long#anyway#vent post#tag because it might’ve accidentally turned into one#good night :D#mimimimimim
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I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever#but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave#I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up#I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault#and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to#I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in#and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen#like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept#than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it#and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do#and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening#and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that#but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse#also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this#I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly#I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection#I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline#hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma#I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything#which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place
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This weekend started off fine but somehow I have ruined my life
#totes bro#just uhm#taking in the consequences of my own actions#sometimes i have to reckon with my mental illnesses being more than just depression#i just need to clean approximately 12 projects and crafts up in my room#because next week i have big doll thing and also starting my new job#so I need bandwidth for that#but ive also been getting back into drawing#but ive also still been knitting#and with the doll coming i should probably fix up my sets#and i have to clean up from the birds#and.......i have to do laundry#and i probably will spend time playing bg because i cannot stop my brain#overall the mood is 'cannot stop my brain'#im taking antianxiety meds all of tomorrow#just now am i feeling actual anxiety and not just hmm jittery and distracted#i am so strong and i can figure this out without a therapist to hold my hand#i also cleaned today#if youre like 'this is an overreaction to a messy room' you've identified the problem#remember when i used to have panic attacks because there were dirty dishes#? well I've improved somewhat but im still the same person#i need to print papers#i got out my professional person bag and did all my laundry for the best clothes so now i have to line up my outfits#i need to iron all thr pants#i need to do doll research#i am going to probably borrow my wife's ipad for that
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...
#concocting z0san fanfics in my head like its 2015#and i mean with intention and not in the way that i have basically every day for the past 11 years. god i have such a weird relationship#with them. but i think i have a good idea. itll just take forever. its sorta sad and fucked up but in a pretty way i think#and itll probably be the most for me and me specifically thing ive ever writen#lots of info not a single person is asking for except me. bc im gonna use it to force myself to do research#and fill the dark winter nights. the shortest day of the year here is 2hrs shorter than where i spent the last 4 years#fucked up. its even shorter than the shortest day in ohio. anyway im writing this so i actually force myself to do it#and not just let it go. i only got 5hrs of sleep so well see how clear my thinking turns out to b#dosage on my meds went up last night. which is good bc my mood has wobbled back down as i kinda figured it would#but its ok. i think that lil blip of clarity was really good for me in terms of being like: oh ok i get y ppl want to live#which is an insane thing to say but there u go. if only i could get back to that and get my brain to shut thr fuck up#begone thoughts. i banish thee. weighted thoughts with bad intentions. my mind is filled with poison#and i well ignore it and write my dumb little story... and also work on the bullshit i actually should b doing hah#unrelated
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the dichotomy of man (need to get out of this fuckin house but if i go then i can not see my cats)
#JUST realized this and now i want to kill and explode and throw up#WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO . WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT MY FISH ok i can probably take the fish with me#but MAN#thats such a FUCKING HASSLE#ill just stay here this is fine <- tormented by the horrors. ball and chained to familiarity#the gamer speaks uwu#guy who is terminally stressed and sick about change but desperately needs it to live a life#oooo i need to be in a hamster ball everything new can just be out of arms reach and i will be safe and contained forever#no more new experiences and life changes ill cry we should all just die actually so i never have to break out of my shell#sometimes im like im therapized i dont need to go to therapy i am sooo normal and then i say shit like all that n im like nvm#the desperately averse to change braincell is funny like is it the autism. is it the ptsd. probably both#bc i sure did like have a moment of like i should just drop out of school all of this is too much i cant do it anymore#wired in juuust the right way where i can live so much better than i ever have but itll stress me out enough where i still feel the urge#to throw it all away bc it is strange and weird. and then i have to resist that urge constantly bc ill be fully like cidal again if i do th#its so weird actually. oh u have friends? u take meds? u have irls now? strange and unfamiliar and scary get rid of it all <- the insanity#anyway sucks how there isnt a word i can use in place of men/women when im like 'women will x' but for being nonbinary#nonbinary mfs doesnt hit the same . enbies doesnt hit the same either#nonbinaries b like i am free from the horrors and then go down a whole spiral at the very thought of moving out of their nightmare house#vent#i guess oops what did this turn into
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Once again chanting in my mind "graphic card" to avoid snapping at my mother saying dumb shit
#how do you always get to the wrong conclusion of everything oh my godddddd#yeah yeah a lot is wrong with doctors like a fucking lot I'm well aware I've suffered huge amount of pains for years for that#but she says it from a novax point of view so she's still wrong by saying the right thing and it annoys me so much!#obviously she's too fucking fatphobic to see how that is one of the biggest issues in medicine#fun fact my father is not taking meds to heal from something that could actually kill him because it stops him from eating#that's apparently okay but vaccines aren't#someone should study their brains under a microscope#also my father problem was probably caused by the extreme diet he did that was mostly starvation#at least i feel better about myself#sometimes i get very depressed about all the things I'll never be able to do because i fucked my wrist at 18 but at least i did that#crocheting#he completely destroyed his health to lose weight#also even more fun thing he wanted to lose weight for reasons that didn't have anything to do with the weight he probably just can't eat#grains#he got better as soon as he stopped eating normal pasta and switched to the fake ones made with rice and stuff#they didn't connect the dot#but the second i thin person started to have issues breathing#that are definitely side effects of covid btw#grains were immediately blamed#god i shouldn't get into these rants because i just get mad at their stupidity AND I NEED TO STAY CALM FOR THE GRAPHIC CARD#and especially not build enough represed rage about it to risk trying to choke my mother the next time she says it's fine i lost all that#weight#sure it's fine losing weight because of illness and depression is fucking wonderful#i have to fight with myself most days to eat enough but sure that's fine I'm staying thin!
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This is something I learned at one of the pre-op visits for my breast reduction! My surgeon was basically I think an independent surgeon (as I guess I would imagine is common for “cosmetic”/plastic surgeons?) and she was telling us a little bit about what to do for talking to insurance about the surgery and stuff, and she mentioned that for us going through insurance it would be at a particular hospital, but she also often did surgeries where people didn’t use there insurance, and she did those at some other place, and the price she charged up front was much lower, because that was the actual cost of the surgery (and equipment and everyone’s salaries etc.) and she had to raise the ticket price significantly when people would go through insurance, because the insurance company would negotiate that price down, and then keep some of the money. (Obviously for us and many others it still worked out to be cheaper for us out of pocket to go through insurance, but the amount she made was roughly the same even though it would look like she charged thousands more for my breast reduction than for someone not using insurance)
So, when you get those bills from your insurance after a doctors visit, and there’s that little table that tells you, this is the cost of the visit, this is the discount we got you, this is how much we paid, this is how much you still have to pay?
That line about “we got you this discount” is misleading. They actually caused the provider to raise the initial cost of your care by that amount, or more, in anticipation of the insurance company refusing to pay the full amount so that they could tell you they got you a discount.
"Why does a 15-minute visit with a doctor cost 150 bucks in America???" you're gonna want to read Money-Driven Medicine, by Maggie Mahar, and probably also The Social Transformation of American Medicine, to answer that question. It is not because your doctor is a greedy bastard; your doctor does not see most of that money. It is because the system is broken to a level that is truly impressive in its dedication to making a shit ton of money for insurance company executives and shareholders.
#my doctors visits are always around 3 or 400 for me because they never get billed as physicals because I also need prescriptions filled#and I need to go in 4x a year because adderall is so heavily restricted#and my last visit was actually $700 because they needed to drug test me not even for a real reason but because at the previous visit when#they drug tested me (also for bullshit reasons- to check that I was taking my meds instead of selling them or soemthing)#it came up with a false positive for opioids. which I don’t have access to or interest in and would not have been in my system#(mom’s nurse friend hypothesized that maybe the poppy seeds on the wverythign bagel I probably had for breakfast that morning set it off. it#seems like that’s a pretty common food to have and they should either warn you ahead of time about that or it shouldn’t be sensitive enough#to pick that up)#and insurance was like ‘we got you a $195 discount’ which is bs and ‘we paid $4’ which is even stupider#so now at my next virtual visit I’m gonna have to say hey I know the answer is no because of institutionalized stigma against me that you’re#not willing to push back on but I can’t fuckingn afford to keep paying $1600+ a year for what at this point is a middle man between me and a#pharmacist because I’ve been on this medication for fucking ages and all my other ones could be refilled at a yearly physical#so is there any way we could change things up somehow. and she’s going to say no. and I’m going to be angry and upset about it for days#back when i was at my pediatrician I had to go in every six months which was annoying but I would happily go back to that over four times a#year#but idk if the rules changed or if the rules are different for adults or if my doctor just sucks bc I brought that up early on and she was#like no this is what we do#I mean. I can technically afford it. I have the money I’m not going into medical debt or anything. I live at home with my parents and have#very low living expenses and my checking account is limited primarily by my own standards of how much I’ve decided I want to be putting into#my savings account each paycheck. but when the biggest expense in my life is something that already frustrates me and that I know is exp too#expensive and that I feel I shouldn’t have to be doing anyway and I know I’m being treated unfairly#it just feels so much worse. having to take money out of my savings account wouldn’t be the end of the world. but it feels wrongs#and I only make like $36#lmao I forgot about the commas thing.#like $36k a year so I also am aware that even though I’m in a lucky place where I’m stable that’s not *that* much money and I feel like that#is how I tend to think of things. because I’m not going to live with my parents forever and I’m deeply aware that for most people who have#to pay a rent or a mortgage $36k is the lower end of things and a seven fucking hundred dollar doctors bill is a big fuckingn deal#for a regular fucking doctors appointment#it’s not like I fucking asked to be drug tested they said ‘pay us to look at your pee or else’#it’s all bullshit
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comes out of the "googling things about the disorder you have and then googling a vague medical term and not getting a clear answer and complaining about the vagueness of the term to your friend who probably has more familiarity with the term and it's implications in context" session covered in blood and wailing and writing on the floor
#Anyway I have not gotten more than 2 paragraphs in to a study talking about how thyroid disorders can potentially cause#Permanent Consequences To Brain Development if they aren't treated at important times. And I struggled because they used#The term ''adult onset'' and looking it up was vague and like it SAID ''post puberty'' but the same definition said#''later in life'' and that part was HIGHLIGHTED BY GOOGLE so I missed the puberty part but even beyond that#Hypothyroidism is most commonly diagnosed in ppl who are like 50+ I believe so does ''later in life'' mean ''not a child'' or#''genuinely middle aged'' in this context specifically because stuff talking about hypothyroidism mostly talks about it either#In terms of Congenital Hypothyroidism and Hypothyroidism (which they mention is most common in ppl assigned female at birth and like 60+)#So there's barely anything talking Abt ppl like Me who got diagnosed in their Mid Teens so probably Mid Puberty and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#I'm going to drive into a lake. Thank you to my best friend ever for breaking down the term and how it's used in medical contexts for me#I owe you my life#Anyway part of the reason this was so fucking Much: thing I'm reading (like an actual medical study) mentions that the cognitive issues#Associated w ''adult onset hypothyroidism'' are largely reversible but before then untreated hypothyroidism can have significant effects on#Brain development and while I caught mine early and got medicated when I was ~18 I had a gap in treatment#Bc I aged out of my pediatrician and didn't have the motivation to actually Get A New Doctor As An Adult (yay mental illness)#Which like. Lead to a Months Long gap in medication. And like I could've BEEN medicated if I put in the work but I felt fine with skipping#My meds bc from what I knew about hypothyroidism it obviously had Symptoms but not ones that would have Significant Long Term Consequences#Like I thought ''oh I'll have depression and fatigue when I'm unmedicated'' NOT REALIZING THAT BEING UNMEDICATED COULD HAVE A SIGNIFICANT#LONG TERM IMPACT EBCAUSE OF HOW IMPORTANT THE THYROID IS TO FUCKING EVERYTHING IN YHE GOD DAMN BODY#THAT EVEN PROPER FUTURE MEDICATION COULD NOT NECESSARILY TAKE CARE OF#And like hey: maybe that's on me for not connecting the dots or something. Maybe I knew the thyroid controlled a lot of hormones but#I just didn't make the connection that that means it can have Permanent Irreversible effects when left untreated#But also HEY THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT YOU SHOULD SPELL OUT TO PEOPLE ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO MIGHT HAVE COGNITIVE DIFFICULTIES AND THEREFORE#STRUGGLE WITH THINGS THAT SHOULD BE ''OBVIOUS''. Anyway I'm mad
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As AJR once said
Oh, I'm spiraling now
#atlas adventures#started as an annoyance at a stupid app for being broken for the last two years and being worse this week#turned into “i need meds again” to “i can't even get into a doctor because my mom's availability conflicts with most doctor's hours”#like i have a standing appointment every friday at 2 which is not able to be moved due to my therapist's availability#and my mom only has fridays and saturdays off starting this week#and every doctor's office that ISN'T a complete shitshow is minimum 45 minutes away so i can't go on fridays unless it's early as FUCK#i'm actually about to start screaming and sobbing. i can't fucking do this anymore#the nurse at my therapy office told me she'd contact me roughly around this week to see if i can get in with their main psychiatrist#since the np was a fucking SHITSHOW (i've posted about it before. it was BAD)#and i haven't heard back and i'm going on two months 100% unmedicated. hormonal AND psychotropic#i'm actually losing my fucking mind#i'm becoming morr manic than i've been in probably a few YEARS#it's just all internal doom spiraling so my mom hasn't noticed that “hey my child is about to fucking SNAP”#“maybe i should call that doctor i promised to call in MAY because my child can't get in with their old quack gp anymore”#i still need to call the hospital i saw the quack endo at to see if they take my new insurance and if they have any other endos there#because i do better mentally on hormone meds than on psychotropic apparently. didn't expect that but whatever#main problem with the hormonal correction meds is that it makes me dysohoric as fuck. but when am i NOT dysphoric anymore#everything else is better mentally with my hormonal. the mania (that i didn't even process as hypomania until recently tbh) the depression#i need at LEAST my fucking hormonals before i lose my fucking SHIT#none of this is normal none of this is normal
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told my coworker I just started elden ring and he was like fuck me playing souls games is more stressful than a full time job I had to quit ER when I started this job so I could just chill out when I got home instead.... 💀
#I didnt even start the conversation he just remembered im into rogues/souls and was making small talk.. sweet guy#i think ive won his respect by being a souls fan 🫡#ive only played a couple hours so far (and lets be real. most of that was in character creator) but its really fun ive been thinking abt#it at work all day.... the fights are challenging but actually not as difficult as i thought considering how much ppl complain#like it feels very fair + the fight patterns are easier to pick up than most rogue bosses tbh. im a little clumsy bc i dont play many#3d games but ill get the hang of it..#also looooove the visuals + music. goes without saying tbh#i wanna make fanart of the character im playing as already teehee#if i get home and eat and shower relatively quickly i can probably play another 2 hours lets goooo#feeling so much more normal today i love mondays my best friend mondays. my period did start at work tho which suuucked#me titrating this substrate w a white knuckle grip on the pipette trying not to crumple in half over the bench and weep#ibuprofen does nothing for me..... i need to get some more cocodamol even if it does make me kinda drowsy#i dunno how im gonna survive periods when im back titrating meds again bc i cant take any nsaids... well. cross that bridge ig#anywaaay. bus was on time so should be home before 6 today woohoo#.diaries
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hmmm i should kill myself
#nothing happened it's just been awhile since i last tried#maybe now that i'm getting better it'll work!#bc obviously when i'm getting worse i somehow become more resilient#i wanna day it'll be a dick move to do it right before a show but part of why i want to is bc i already feel like a dick abt it#ig i'm also just generally having a bad time lol but tbf when am i not#suicide //#vent#ig?#i should probably sleep. took 2 benzos to help with that and they're definitely kicking in#thinking of upping one of my anxiety meds actually#my psychiatrist originally said that i can take 2 instead of 1 sometimes. maybe i should try#amyway gn
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