#i screened positive for ADHD recently

[thavron]

Me: i am absolutely going to focus on work today and not be distracted by fanfiction.

Traitorous email: [Writer I'm subscribed to] has posted chapter x of [fanfic I'm reading.]

Me: well fuck.

[hchollym]

How do you feel about the 'locking Percy into a pyramid' "prank"? I dunno why, but that specific one has always pissed me off.

I recently saw a post on Screen Rant listing 5 of Fred and George's pranks that were funny & 5 that were cruel, and they listed shutting Percy in a pyramid as funny... I almost screamed. 😡

It's definitely crossing the line. I don't care if Percy could have used magic to escape (which is debatable) or if the twins wouldn't have left him in there for long (which I doubt anyway); it's still wrong.

Bill's entire job is breaking curses at these pyramids; ergo, the pyramids are dangerous. Even if they've checked that this specific pyramid was safe, you never know for sure. There could have been dormant curses that became active in an enclosed space (i.e. when the door was shut) that could have effected Percy.

Not to mention that there could have been spells to prevent the use of certain magic in the pyramids, so Percy may not have been able to get out. He could have run out of oxygen or a part of the ceiling could have collapsed from suddenly closing the door (that's not supposed to be closed), and Percy could have been seriously injured.

I also don't think they would have gotten him out quickly. I fully believe they would have left him there and made some excuse to their family that he went back to the room to study for NEWTs (which his family likely would have believed).

Plus, it would have been terrifying for anyone to be locked in a pyramid, and causing genuine fear is not what I would consider a funny joke.

That being said, I don't actually think the twins intended to hurt Percy or put him in danger (just to be clear, that still does not make it okay). This is an unpopular opinion, and I know it sounds strange, but hear me out: I think the twins literally have no concept of cause & effect.

They don't seem to recognize that behavior = consequences (I don't mean consequences as in a punishment; I mean the consequences to other people that are effected). They compartmentalize their actions as being one-and-done jokes that don't have any lasting effects, and part of that is because they are incapable of taking responsibility. They know it's not fun to get in trouble, but it's never their fault when it happens; it's Percy's for being too dramatic or Ron's for being too sensitive, etc.

I headcanon that Fred & George both have ADHD (though Fred's is slightly more severe), because they have many characteristics of it (and ones that I see commonly in my students). That is not to say that all people with ADHD act this way, but it can certainly be a symptom of it. Since people with ADHD struggle with executive functioning skills, this can manifest in ways such as having trouble connecting "right now" to the future or having difficulty understanding why they hurt somebody's feelings.

This has been a pattern with Fred & George, even at a very young age (i.e. when they turned Ron's teddy bear into a giant spider), and that's why I tend to think that they have ADHD, and unfortunately, some of their traits were exacerbated by Molly & Arthur's parenting. Molly & Arthur were never consistent with them; sometimes they were punished for behavior (by Molly), but other times they were rewarded with positive feedback such as laughter (by Arthur). When children aren't held accountable for their actions consistently, it makes it very difficult to create a connection between actions, consequences, and remorse. This becomes an even bigger problem when the child is not neurotypical.

Anyway, this turned into a bit of a rant (sorry), but the point is, this "joke" was completely out of line, regardless of their motives.

Thanks for the ask! 😊

[hussyknee]

Opened Tumblr and Red White And Royal Blue is number 1 trending. I remember reading through some of your posts on the book, and i think you mentioned there was going to be an adaptation?? And that you were dissapointed with the casting and scared the adaptation will fall short of the substance of the book–or something like that.

I assume the reason it's trending might be because of some recent update about the series or movies production. So what are your thoughts on it?

Aha. Ahahaha. Hahahahahahaha.

Yeah there's a movie that came out last week. It was not just a royal disappointment, but so racist it was like spending two hours being repeatedly slapped in the face.

*rolls up sleeves* This is going to be a long, spoilery Rant. If you liked the movie, don't look under the cut.

The positives: Nicholas Galitzine was perfectly cast as Prince Henry and did his best with what he was given. He and Taylor Zarkar Perez as Alex had great chemistry and were quite unself-conscious in the love scenes. Some of the scenes in the first half (any time Zahra was on screen, the TV interview, the hot and hilarious Red Room scene) were worth the price of admission. Henry explaining the way he negotiated his role as a prince with his sexuality was unexpectedly moving. Amalgamating Secret Service Agents Cash and Amy into a trans woman of colour was a great choice that moved what would have been a side character into the main cast, and Aneesh Seth ate the scenes with Taylor. Rachel Hilson infused her role as Alex's best friend Nora with naturalistic warmth. Major props also to the intimacy co-ordinator. The whole thing with the hands during the sex scene was intimate and erotic.

That said.

I could have made peace with the fact that the characters were obviously much older than the just-out-of-university kids they were in the book. But I wasn't prepared for the character I know and love as Alex to not even be in the movie.

Things that defines my son and personal avatar Alex Claremont-Diaz:

short king rights

ADHD perfectionism

abandonment issues because of parents' divorce

has so much trouble letting people get close to him that his lifelong best friend is his protective, parentified older sister

chaos gremlin

repressed bisexuality

angry intensity and ambition of a burning star

cannot shut up or modulate himself to save his life, puts the offensive in charm offensive

very defensive of his worth as a person of colour in politics and an overachiever because of it

full of swagger and obsessive drive while being five inches away from crashing and burning at all times

Who Alex was in the movie: a laid-back fratty only child with nothing wrong with his life and this one uncharacteristic, inexplicable grudge against this poor white dude.

Said grudge against Henry was made out to be a non-issue that Alex only made into a big deal because he was an immature, petty asshole. Being dismissed by a privileged white person that was handed everything you have to fight for and then being compared to him for years no matter what you did is such a resonant experience for PoC and they just...shat all over it so Henry could make fun of Alex. They even changed what Henry said at their first meeting in the book so that they could make it sound even more ridiculous.

Henry himself was mangled less obviously, mostly because of his actor. But he was made this uwu soft boi out of a Victorian novel who had done nothing wrong in his life ever, instead of an inherently high-strung but hedonistic and fun-loving young guy struggling against institutionalized homophobia and lack of mental health support.

Which, you know, fine. I didn't expect this movie to capture any of the nuances in the book or even accurately portray the characters. I wanted to see two hot guys romance the fuck out of each other and have sexy times.

But producer Greg Berlanti's brand isn't just failing to meet expectations, it's creating new and exciting ways to fuck over women and minorities from wholecloth. Unlike the book, the villain of the movie is not the homophobic, abusive head of the British Royal Family. Nor is it the GOP Presidential candidate who in the book has the boys outed to sabotage Alex's mother's Presidential campaign. Instead, the villain is a queer Latino political journalist motivated by sexual jealousy. This character was created expressly for the movie to replace both Alex's gay best friend from high school as his first same sex encounter and the heroic gay Latino senator who was the key to unravelling the GOP plot in the book.

How do you amalgamate two characters of marginalized identities, one of whom is a heroic figure, and make them the villain instead of the characters that represent cis heteropatriachal white supremacy?? Because as I predicted, the King isnt even a bad guy. He's more a befuddled blustering old dude who even validates the boys' relationship although he's too concerned with appearances to consent to it.

What the fuck. What kind of racist, homophobic, white apologist, spineless CW bullshit is this????

(Also what is with Alex going on about being working class?? Latinos aren't working class by default?? The boy grew up the son of two senators and was captain of the fuckin lacrosse team??? He hasn't been working class a day in his life?? Henry even ribs him about it when he sees Alex's childhood home?? Are they going out of their way to make Alex look stupid??)

Given all of that, plus cutting out the book's principal Latina character (Alex's sister), and refusing to make Alex's mother President Claremont a divorcee with a blended family, an ugly pattern emerges in the treatment of this movie's women and minorities. In the book, Henry's mother is emotionally absent because the death of her husband precipitated a mental health spiral that she finally pulls out of when her son is outed. In the movie, she had left her kids behind after Arthur died and fucked off to Botswana for environmentalism (interesting choice) and never comes back. In the book, Henry's older sister Bea is a leather jacketed rocker rebel child as protective over her brother as a lioness over her cub– a sibling dynamic mirrored in Alex and June's relationship (this book is about parentified older sisters actually). In the movie she was made into his younger sister who had no personality other than flowery dresses and being his girlish confidante. Henry's Nigerian best friend Pez who is canonically a flamboyant, larger-than-life, billionaire genius had like three lines in the movie and might as well have been a cardboard cutout. Alex's best friend and US Second Granddaughter Nora's Jewish identity was completely erased (as was her whole personality). Worse, they cast a non-Jewish Black woman in the role and left her to handle the blowback for it, which is Berlanti's typical M.O. Oh, but the UK prime minister who was in the movie for five seconds was a Black woman! Totally not a token to shield against any accusation of racism and white liberal douchebaggery!

How the fuck do they expect props for "representation" when they erase, minimize and tokenize literally everyone who isn't a cis white guy?? Not even heterosexual rom coms with all-white casts are this hostile to women and non-white people.

On a purely technical level the movie was terrible too. The sets looked cheap and artificial, there was no crowded, high-energy feeling in any of the election scenes. One of the book's pivotal scenes sees Alex literally storming the castle by standing outside Kensington Palace getting drenched in the rain and shouting for Henry to get his ass down there until he's nearly removed by security. In the movie Alex is quietly let in by the staff and wanders into Henry's room inexplicably wet, like he'd been standing under a showerhead, and begins monologuing at Henry. The late night V&A excursion and slow dance in the book, that was a reflection of Henry's wistful, joyful inner world, is vacant, still and aimless in the movie. Alex made his historic public address to the country about their relationship without Henry, before he could even get to him (and the King wants to claim the emails are fake afterwards??). The fucking emails! Were! Missing! Except for like, one. Waterloo vase where?? Why would we even care about the emails being leaked if we never even got to see the intimacy and aching tenderness and open love in them??

They also kept shoehorning in lines from the book into the dialogue so that key lines like "History, huh?" sounded painfully clunky and awkward. Between Taylor's wooden acting, atrocious pacing and the self-conscious script, all the story's most romantic moments landed with a splat. You couldn't feel the emotional stakes in any of it. I deadass stopped watching twice because I was so bored and had to make myself sit through the last part.

(Maybe it's because I'm asexual and my love of smut, great as it, depends heavily on context, but– what was the point of Taylor's gratuitous bare-ass shot? Was that compensation for having kept the guys' crotches five feet apart at all times? What?)

Look, I was ready and willing to give director Matthew Lopez his flowers but he gave us a box of calcified shite. This is why I keep calling representation politics a white supremacist grift. It's a way of making cosmetic, token changes in exchange for retaining the core status quo with all its bigotry and bias while using our own artists and characters as a shield. It makes our talent both vulnerable to and complicit in the narratives spun by white institutions. No amount of female and queer Black and brown people at the helm will serve us justice if the ship belongs to white colonizers.

The best that can be said about the movie is that it makes the book look brilliant by comparison. And the book itself is a half-assed attempt at QPoC representation and generally middling, but draws in pathological fangirls like myself by having a compelling main couple and main cast, beautifully tender love letters, being peak white USAmerican Brand Hopium, and hitting every fanfic trope with a mallet. Being a mediocre white mess that gets a little worse when you look too closely at it is a prerequisite for me to obsess over something.

But if you want to an actual good book with the same appeal, read Alexis Hall's Boyfriend Material and Husband Material. Those are iconic. Hall's books are less "diverse" (how I hate that word) but a lot more honest and queer. (Queerness is fundamentally leftist* motherfuckers. Neoliberal queerness is just white bourgeois resentment at being marginalized).

*Well, Arden St. Ives trilogy isn't, but sometimes you just wanna get fucked by a billionaire in the fun way.

[saintsenara]

How does your adhd help or make more difficult your job as a doctor?

thank you very much for the ask, pal!

obviously, this answer needs to start with a little acknowledgement of my relative privilege when it comes to my adhd.

like many women, i was diagnosed as an adult, but i was lucky enough that this happened when i was still a student [six year degree coming in clutch - the fact that i had to pay for the diagnosis, not so much], which meant that when i qualified and started actually working, i'd had several years of taking medication and coming up with techniques to manage my life. i can very well imagine [particularly because i know so many people it's happened to] how much more difficult i would find doing my job if i had only recently acquired - or was still waiting for - a diagnosis.

as i've said, the reasons for my late diagnosis were primarily gender-related - i'm a cisgender woman, and so even though i have the more "classic", "male" version of adhd [by which i mean that i'm hyperactive, rather than the inattentive-type manifestation of the condition which is presumed - although not, in my view, entirely accurately - to be more common in women] i wasn't screened as a child because adhd was seen as a thing which boys had.

but they're also because the circumstances of my early life - above all, that my family wasn't housing- or food-insecure, and that my parents were able to have a work-life balance because of this - allowed me to cope well enough with the bad parts of being a child with an undiagnosed neurological disability to be extremely high-achieving while at school. i was in trouble all the time - as most of us were - but this was usually because i spent my time in the classroom messing around, safe in the knowledge that i could race through any work last minute and be completely fine. i was my teachers' nightmare, but it was for the extremely chic reason that all the consequences they threatened me with never came to pass. i was told for fourteen years of schooling that the rug was about to pulled out from under me if i didn't buck up my ideas. instead, i got top marks in every exam, i got into an excellent university to study a competitive subject, i got a first in that subject, i have also - as well as my medical training - got a phd, i'm in an interesting and unusual speciality. i have a lot of letters after my name.

this is because i'm astonishingly clever - and i won't apologise for stating that as fact - but it's also due to good fortune. adhd [especially adhd which is undiagnosed until adulthood] is enormously overrepresented in the prison population, among addicts, among those who have no qualifications, among the long-term unemployed. i think it's important to simultaneously recognise that - while i do think of myself as disabled, and i'm right to - i am very, very lucky in the treatment plan and support system i have. i could be in a very different position had even minor things about my childhood changed.

but with this context taken into account... my view is genuinely that medicine is the number one job for the dopamine-challenged.

i'm not going to go into details about my specialism on the public timeline, but it has several aspects which work really well for my brain.

it's usually very fast-paced and unpredictable. like many people with adhd, i am excellent at working under pressure [and i'm great in a crisis] and very much not excellent without it.

but even when we have slower days it still always feels like i'm progressing towards a tangible goal. like many people with adhd, i'm not great at visualising long-term things - i think in the now and the not-now - but my work relates to cases where the long-term goals and outcome are easy to visualise, and i like that.

it's an area of medicine which is, essentially, puzzle-solving, often in creative and novel ways. like many people with adhd, i struggle to maintain focus on tasks which are too repetitive - but i'm also, as we often are, very good at spotting patterns and details, i have excellent intuition, and i'm a very good lateral thinker.

it lets me be on my feet a lot, to be moving around, and to be doing things physically. my fidgeting has really been cut down by the ol' lisdexamfetamine, but the twitchy impulses which remain are channelled very nicely into being able to do things with my hands and have it count towards my workload.

it's very sociable. i get to spend a lot of time just having a natter with the nurses - and i always have someone around to body double with - but i also get to work with lots of other departments and other non-medical professionals, i teach medical students, i present at conferences, and so on. it's very busy, there's always something new going on, and something which interests me is guaranteed to pop up just when i'm starting to get a bit fed up with a sitting-at-my-desk task...

and the "this interests me" point is the key one, i think.

like many people with adhd, my issue isn't a deficit of attention, it's an inability to easily control the focus of that attention. i have a typically low tolerance for boredom, and i find it extremely difficult both to start and to concentrate on enough to complete tasks which don't interest me.

but i like what i do - i find it fascinating - and that means that i have a lot of attention to devote to it. i can't remember what day my bins go out or what my mam asked me to pick up for her from the supermarket, but i can remember endless information pertaining to the human body, no matter how grim the situation that body finds itself in.

it's taken a bit of trial-and-error to get to where i am - i found the surgical rotations of my training really tough, for example, because surgery is a discipline which is very repetitive, and which lacks that mystery-solving element which so appeals to me - but i'm in a place now where i genuinely think that having adhd makes me a better doctor.

and even the night shifts are worth it to not have to work in an office.

[no disrespect to the spreadsheet girlies...]

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

26.06.24

I was on the phone to a lady from Samaritans. I’ve had a horrible evening of overwhelming thoughts and feelings of doom and wanting to unalive myself. I don’t have any means of unaliving myself in this house because the staff keep all medication and objects I could possibly use to try and end things locked away so instead I felt trapped and started unhingedly sobbing down the phone to my parents (I don’t feel like I can talk to the staff here, they talk to me like I’m an idiot and recently when I’ve broken down after trying to hold things together for too long I’ve discovered they get angry with me and shout and it’s horrible). My parents convinced me to phone Samaritans. Consequently I’m trying to think of hopeful things that are coming up and that I will miss if I cease to be.

In mid July I have an ecology field course I got a scholarship for. I was meant to go last year but was in treatment. I’m grateful they held my place.

Although nothing’s been actually organised yet (I’m waiting on a meeting to be scheduled) one of my university lecturers has asked me if I’ll volunteer at the zoology museum by producing scientific illustrations. I’ve been feeling really hopeless and scared about whether I’ll ever be in a position to study again after two attempts at uni that ended in breakdowns and hospital (or was it just life in general because I’ve had breakdowns and relapses and ended up in inpatient/day patient care every year for the past 8 years regardless of whether or not I’ve been studying?) and being scared that all the psychotropic drugs, trauma and self harm has permanently eroded my brain. The Samaritans lady said even if I don’t end up able to do a degree maybe this will be a step forward as museum work is what I think I want to do with my life anyway.

I will see the cats on Saturday (and hopefully cuddle them)!

I plan to sing Choral Evensong again on Sunday (I don’t actually know what my religious views are, I guess I’m agnostic but for some reason I love Evensong and I’ve been a chorister since I was 7. I’m glad to have gone back to choir recently).

Today I ordered a Jellycat I’ve been eyeing up for approximately two months and I’m looking forward to that arriving. I worry it’s potentially childish and materialistic but oh well, I’m still looking forward to it.

The pain clinic referral from the hospital didn’t go through. This isn’t good and hit me hard when I found out but in case I can’t get anywhere on the NHS a private clinic have said they’ll see me (I’m grateful for my parents saying they’ll help with the cost). Perhaps there is a tiny bit of hope for the chronic pain side of things after all.

I literally just found out that having done the screening test I will be referred for an ADHD assessment.

I’ve just started being monitored as part of a study into sleep in autistic people. I have to wear a monitor, document day-to-day things and will get a report of my sleep quality at the end which I am curious about. (I don’t want to get a smart watch to do this because I don’t think having the option to measure certain other things like steps and calories will be good for my ED/obsessive brain). I will try and hold on to see what the outcome of that is. And contributing to research is always a good thing so I should try and complete the period of study.

[awkwardpenguinproductions]

i actually just recently reread all the yuyan stuff and im stopping by to say you're an incredible author and it was a blast to read. take your time with the final stuff because real life and your mental health absolutely comes first, and know that we will still be here when you're ready!!!!

Thank you most kindly, anon!

Hilariously, it's not my mental health throwing a wrench in the works this time, aside from just not having enough mental spoons.

About a year and a half ago now, my rabbi asked me to become a b'nei mitzvah tutor for our synagogue, since we have a bumper crop of students this year and next and not nearly enough tutors. She'd first asked me a year beforehand to do this, and since I wasn't given a firm deadline at the time, my silly ADHD brain said "yeah, sure!", bought the the texts I needed to learn how to chant Torah, and then left them sitting on the bookshelf for the better part of a year. When Rabbi asked me again a year later, I blue-screened, sheepishly admitted that I hadn't really been studying all that much, and then set to teaching myself Torah trope in time to start working with my first student this past June. Well, since then, I've added another student, saw that first student through her Bat Mitzvah, am now working with a third student who has a whopper of a portion and is set to have his Bar Mitzvah in June of this year (Y I K E S), and have agreed to chant a portion in May. So a good portion of my free time is now spent learning and recording various Torah and Haftarah portions, as well as general Friday night/Saturday morning prayers because the recordings on the Temple website are shit.

I have also been tacitly (though not officially and with no start date or documentation as of yet-- basically Rabbi asked me if I was interested, I said yes, she said cool you're first on the list of one name) hired to take over the position of Temple Administrator for the Synagogue, which is going to involve accounting skills that I do not yet have. So I am desperately ripping through Idiot's Guides and For Dummies books because I have no idea when this is going to start and I can't study this stuff in the two-ish hours of free-ish time I have at work with Smoller Bean now in preschool, because being the friendly people that they are, Boss Lady and Mr. Dad will want to know what I'm doing, and I really don't want to have that conversation until I know for a fact that I have a job lined up just in case they decide to fire me before I can quit. So when I'm not ruining my vocal chords or bugging Poppa Penguin with pronunciation questions, I'm giving myself carpal tunnel with the amount of notes I'm taking. All of this on top of the usual daily chaos of trying to keep the Beans from killing themselves, each other, or me, as well as the general busywork of keeping myself fed and watered and at a publicly acceptable level of hygiene.

So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

Anyway, apologies for using your ask to basically info dump on the current state of the Iceberg, Anon, but I figured I might as well let everyone know why I've basically fallen off the face of the planet. I appreciate everyone's patience and understanding, and I'll get to it when I get to it 😆😆😆

[myst3ry-pl4nt]

i could not help myself....

also these clips were taken from various videos from here and youtube since nick and netflix wouldn't let me screen record so i'm sorry </3

ramble undercut!

this is a lot of nonsense so i apologize

i don't have many thoughts but i do know that this is one of the best recent animated series i've seen in such a long time. i'm someone who typically just rewatched the same four series and call it a day, that being code lyoko, digimon, wakfu, and whatever i might end up hyperfixating on suddenly. i don't watch new animated series often unless it's with friends, young justice being the only one i actively watched and enjoyed. i don't think it's the best since rewatching rottmnt but it's definitely really good! i love both series separately and for their own reasons, YJ for the more serious and grim tones and ROTTMNT for literally everything. i'm really glad to be able to even watch this series and that it's on netflix, i had never watched season 2 because i just simply forgot like an idiot and then the movie came out! and so i binge rewatched the series after watching the movie with a friend and the movie was just fantastic! i won't get into any spoilers but genuinely it lived up to the hype and i could only ask for me! i showed a bit of the series through clips, images, and conversation to my sibling and they seemed intrigued by it which may not mean much but we're both adults, me being 18 and them going to be 22 and doesn't usually engage in things i like with interest. being able to find a space to just talk about this series means the world, and expressing things i love is something i find most meaningful. the fandom genuinely feels like such a safe space. minus how i still don't know if using the hearts paired (❤️💙💜🧡) is a shipping thing or just something fans do for support, i've had nothing but positive experiences so far! i haven't had this much fun with a series to this extent in a while and it's genuinely just so nice. my dad was huge into TMNT when it first came out and i've talked to him about the series before, he seemed more confused and entertained by the zaniness of it than wanting to sit down and watch it but hey! it's still meaningful to me! also?? the representation?? CANON autistic donnie and CANON adhd mikey?? in MY tmnt show? hell yeah !!!! it makes me so happy to be able to actually feel security in relating to characters and not feel like it's insulting? this video is best of talking about what i mean so i genuinely do think you should give it a watch or listen!! anyways i guess what i'm saying is i love ROTTMNT and i cannot recommend it enough nor will i shut up about it right now

[bolters-and-rivets]

so I went a metal festival recently. it's had a profound and positive impact on me but I'm finding it hard to describe that impact in words. it's why I've put of mentioning it till now.

I spent an entire night sat under an oak tree talking with people I didn't even know the names of until the sun came up just discussing our respective political leanings, not arguing, just talking. taking the time to talk about what our respective beliefs meant for each of us.

I watched a band I don't even like take a moment to stop the show for the singer to proclaim "put your hands up if you were bullied and put down as a kid", at which some ten thousand hands all shot up bringing tears to my eyes. For the first time in my life I actually felt understood and accepted by a large body of people who existed right in front of me, not just confined to a computer screen.

there was a small but noticable LGBTQIA+ presence throughout the festival, for once I didn't have a lingering anxiety that I was going to be singled out in spite of being the most drab, stealth non-binary you could meet.

I'm pretty sure everyone I met there was neurodivergent, whether autistic, adhd, or some other flavour. for once in my life I had no fear of having to measure my tone or wording around complete strangers.

I feel changed as a person, those changes may take time to manifest but they've happened all the same. I still struggle to approach people, but I now know I want to visably be someone that people like me can be comfortable aproaching. I fully intend to fill my battle-jacket with patches that are a reflection of my identity, not just the bands I like, so those who might be in the position I was feel safe talking to me.

I miss the festival already, and I look forward to growing as a person in time for next year's festival.

[cocklessboy]

I’m autistic. I’ve known that since I was about 24 years old. In hindsight, it should have been obvious, but understanding of autism and neurodivergence in general was very limited when I was at the age diagnosis normally happens.

Once I learned what autism really was, what it really meant, it made perfect sense. I had every single one of the diagnostic criteria, and when I started talking to other autistic adults online, I immediately felt that I had found my people. It even became a special interest of mine, and over the years I’ve been responsible for quite a few other adults finding out they were autistic (something which is often met with resistance at first, but ultimately turns out to be a positive thing to know).

What I was equally certain about was that I did not have ADHD. There’s a lot of crossover between the two, of course, and I frequently related to posts and memes written by ADHD folks. And of course, a lot of people are both. But I was missing some of the key traits of ADHD. I felt I could control my focus, was not easily distracted, I didn’t hyperfocus, I was not hyperactive, I didn’t have trouble sticking to schedules or remembering appointments and such, and stimulants did not have any kind of calming or focusing effect for me. Executive dysfunction and sensory issues I had aplenty, but that was just because I was autistic.

But after a year on testosterone HRT, a lot of things have changed, including a lot of things I didn’t expect.

My autistic traits are still there, but I have new traits now too. My thoughts move faster. I have more energy - lots more. I forget things more easily, am more easily distracted. I have more trouble controlling my impulses. I crave salty carbohydrates more often (something I’ve recently learn is common among ADHD folks since the carbs give you a quick boost). I have to set alarms for everything because otherwise I lose track of time and forget things. In other words, I feel a lot more like I have ADHD, rather than only being autistic.

But as I think back... are these traits actually new? Or did I just not notice them before because they were milder, or buried under other issues, like dysphoria/depression/anxiety?

I’ve always forgotten things that weren’t right in front of my face. I am famous for leaving a cup of tea in the kitchen to brew and forgetting about it until I went back into the kitchen hours later (often intending to make a cup of tea), only to find it there ice cold. I regularly am in the middle of something when I remember a half-finished task I left in another room and shout OH SHIT and rush off to take care of it - immediately forgetting the new task I was in the middle of doing.

Could I ever really control my focus? I’ve always had trouble starting tasks I didn’t want to do, or even ones I DID want to do but which weren’t immediately rewarding. Was I ever not easily distracted? I have many hours of footage of myself playing video games and stopping to enjoy every beautiful view and pet every dog and investigate every side area, even if I’m in the middle of doing another task. I’m in the middle of editing a long playthrough of a game where I’m constantly declaring new plans and then instantly forgetting about them as soon as another task occurs to me - and I hadn’t realized I was doing that while I played.

And I’ve never been able to do just one thing at a time. I have two monitors on my computer and at all times I am doing tasks on both of them. I press play on a video, then open tumblr on the other screen and read while I listen and watch. I play a video game on one screen and put a livestream on the other, regularly tabbing between the windows to swap between gaming and chatting. Apparently, this is NOT an autistic trait, as I’d always assumed it was. In fact, an autistic friend of mine recently told me they’d once had two monitors, but decided to get rid of the second one because they found it distracting. I was flabbergasted.

And I do hyperfocus, I’ve finally realized. I’ve always hyperfocused. I hyperfocus when I write. Any time I set out to write something, especially something factual and informative like this post, I forget everything else in the world. Hours pass without me noticing. The sun sets. I make the reply or comment or post and suddenly realize I’m dehydrated and have to pee and should have eaten dinner hours ago. Even worse, often as I start writing something, the cat asks me for food or attention. I intend to just quickly finish up and then give him what he wants, but by the time I’m done, he’s long since given up and gone to sleep.

It’s true that stimulants don’t calm or focus me, but it turns out that’s not the litmus test I used to believe it was. Apparently while that response to stimulants is common among people with ADHD, it’s far from universal, which is why the most common medications don’t work on everyone.

There is a theory that autism and ADHD are not, in fact, separate things. That they are just different aspects of a larger type of neurodivergence. That much like how it was once incorrectly believed that “autism” and “asperger syndrome” were separate conditions with their own sets of symptoms, we may be doing the same thing now with “autism” and “ADHD”. And if this is true, it makes a hell of a lot of sense. It explains why there’s so much overlap on “symptoms” between the two, and why so many people have both.

And I feel like my transition and the changes I’ve experienced in terms of my ND traits supports this theory as well. If it’s not two separate neurotypes, but one larger neurotype with a wide range of expressions, then it would make sense that some of my traits would change as my brain and body chemistry changes due to HRT. This is not to imply that the ADHD traits are inherently more masculine or anything like that, but just that when your hormones change, a lot of other stuff changes along with it. Things that were less noticeable before have become more prominent now.

I’m very interested to know about the experiences of other trans neurodivergent people. Did you find that your traits changed or became more or less noticeable as you transitioned?

(It is also worth noting that the traits of ADHD do, in fact, make it difficult to become aware that you have ADHD. Funny little joke the universe played on us, eh?)

[empty-movement]

The State of the (Empty) Movement

Revolutionary Girl Utena’s 25th anniversary is next month. But we seem…strangely silent, no? Well. Let’s talk about the State of the (Empty) Movement!

The bulk of the content we call ‘Empty Movement’ was built in the 00’s, including the massive gallery. (The current iteration was a 10th anniversary project, in fact.) My priority has always been enabling transformative fandom media to take place by providing the curation myself–I like to think I’ve been pretty successful in this. These days, the website is a central location still, but ‘Empty Movement’ has come to broadly mean the site, the Discord, and these social media presences. 

For most of the 2010’s, I have run Empty Movement off a laptop. A nice one! But a laptop–for something that is, though an amateurist’s hobby, absolutely the size and scale of a not entirely small digital museum. This wasn’t a lack of access to means, so much as me thinking ‘hey it’s pretty much finished right??’ This was an attempt to self-sabotage my way out of what would only expand in scope if I ever gave myself more room to grow it. I had my reasons, but they were bad ones, many around the belief that it was time to put away childish things and be a productive member of society–a nurse, even. 

Well. The pandemic has sucked for nurses. I’ve gone through things I literally cannot legally discuss, except only to say…I’m a wee bit traumatized. Weird how the whole productive member of society thing goes, huh? In the meantime, the unproductive end of my life–this–has been a source of support, positivity, and a sincere belief that something important is happening within it. In the last couple years, a swelling of interest in not only Utena, but also the history I have here, has brought me to a realization that while I flap many many wings on many many butterflies in my ‘real’ job…the butterflies here are unique, found nowhere else, and may be valuable to people beyond the scope of fan media. 

In a move that surprises literally no one except me, I’ve learned recently I very likely have ADHD that I’ve historically controlled by self-abuse. So while I sit here humoring the escalation in scope of my stupid side hobby fun project, I’m also having to concede that my previous ways of doing things made it too difficult to do anything right, or enjoy it at all. And…I guess I care. I care about doing this right. And enjoying it would be nice.

What do I have? I don’t know. I have several hard drives on several computers of dozens of ‘backup of Empty Movement’ folders sometimes with dates, sometimes not. Some Utena data here, some there…I have literal decades of Utena content disorganized and scattered about. Meta, books, copies of websites that have disappeared, and so on. The site is now the tip of the iceberg that used to just be ‘unsorted, not on the site yet’ folders. For god’s sake I have burned CD-Rs with stuff like ‘EM unsorted’ on them. 

As before, my question has become ‘how is what I have useful, and to who?’ I’ve been approached by a greater than zero number of people in the last few years wanting to use Utena’s fandom for research and things like that, and I’m learning that what I think of as a clusterfuck mess of an old garage…others think of now as digital antiques, valuable collections of context, and resources. Sounds productive! 

So where is this going? Well my silence has been because I’ve been in the background, radically altering how I do the hobby I’ve done all my life. No one likes to fund infrastructure because it’s boring and unsexy, but it’s what I’ve needed, and I’ve spent a small fortune creating a real workspace and backend resources to do this right, and to do this more easily. I have a desk now, just like back then. A computer that can handle the absolute savagery I inflict on it. A screen large enough to work from. I’ve bought an orthopedic chair, because my body is broken in ICU RN ways. A NAS set-up, because physical data protection being managed manually across multiple drives is no longer a reasonable or viable way to keep up with this stuff for someone with attention problems. Of course, that needed a new router. And a battery backup. And so on. I am boning up on the last decade’s worth of advancements in data management, while also looking for ways to help share the content I have that hasn’t ‘made it’ to the site yet. People offer me so much help with so many things, and I often refuse not because I don’t need help, but because I don’t know how to let anyone help without making my mess even harder to keep track of. The sabotage is over. Empty Movement’s all in for another 25 years.

What does that mean? God I don’t even know yet–but I do know that big changes are coming! The gallery was always meant to be a permanent solution, but I was being stupid 

about that, and the heavily modified software is now bursting at the seams, workable on the visitorside, but almost impossible to add anything to now. I’ve avoided doing anything about this because I 1. Don’t wanna rebuild the gallery lmao, and 2. Have been wanting to avoid URL decay. But the ball is well rolling now, and I am kneecapping accessibility to a larger pool of content trying to preserve the URLs of the older gallery. 

Maybe you have noticed a culture shift in how I present content. I historically aimed at graphic design folks, fanart, cosplay, analysis, things like that–in 2022, the information people find interesting has changed, more detailed and context oriented. So I’m learning about how to use metadata and tags to offer, say, the original publication place of a scan of a piece from a subsequent artbook. Who drew it, when, why, etc. Tags, the bane of my existence in 2008, are all but obligatory now, when I have literally 14k images I need to make reasonably easy to sort through. But in 2022–people want to help me, and I need to let them. That means making it easy for that to be done. I am spending a lot of money and a lot of time to learn how to do that. But I think it will be worth it. Empty Movement has felt, at times, like a burden in my life. And it still does. But it’s also what I care about, and what others have cared about with me. 

This isn’t a post asking for money, but if you want to help pay for all this, I absolutely wouldn’t stop you, and invite you to check out our Patreon. Make no mistake, this is happening either way--but I’d be lying if I said it was entirely affordable for me, lmao. This isn’t a post asking for help either–I will ask about that later, or bug y’all if you’re in the Discord. This isn’t–okay it kinda is–a post asking for what you want; I’d be really interested in hearing what you all would prioritize if you were me. Cover to cover copies of all printed media I have? A website for the video game files and FAQs? Because I have those. A revamp of the translation site for Shounen Ou, the project Enokido and Hasegawa did after Utena, that I now have a book to scan the art at high res out of? A gallery of old layouts for the website? Is analysis of graphic design in the early 00’s something anyone wants? So on, so forth. A website about the musicals? Including the mythic second one? Because I now know more than I used to about it–and I could be sharing that also! It’s literally endless, as I go through each drive I find more things I thought I’d remember and didn’t. Fandom history, Utena history, Queer history, Animation production history. What do we care about? If you’re looking at this more academically, what’s valuable to you given I possess a very thick cross-section of a single specific media and fandom presence? 

I have a lot of Utena. That’s what I’m here for, that’s what you’re here for. And it matters, so I’m going to share even more of it. Stay tuned. <3

[my-darling-boy]

Genuinely asking, isn't self-diagnose with a condition kind of dangerous? Because legitimizing self-diagnosing opens a door to many malicious people who would want to exploit the fact they can self-diagnose? And in turn, make the space of autistic people worse?

Was going to skip this, but I’m writing a LONG response because I’m VERY exhausted with the amount of misinformation I see on this “self dx is dangerous” take, so buckle up and allow me to info dump.

Recently, authentic_autism_advocacy, an Instagram account run by a supposed medically diagnosed autistic woman was discovered to be a non-autistic woman, Connie Manning, posing as a medically diagnosed autistic person to spread hate and anti-self diagnosing speech. In reality, she is a neurotypical mother who regularly uses her autistic son for clout; she also turned out to have a hand behind CalmWear, a brand of sensory compression products designed for disabled people. Not only had she been spewing hatred towards other autistic people, she had been accusing well known AFAB autistic tiktokers like beckspectrum of faking being autistic and threatening self diagnosed autistics and saying they are a danger to the community, and engaging in other incredibly discriminating behaviour. Yes, she herself was a neurotypical person posing as a medically diagnosed autistic to perpetuate hateful rhetoric about self diagnosed people and used her voice to speak OVER autistic folk for financial gain and exploitation of autistic people, including her own son. If you want to read this roller coaster of a story, an autistic person wrote an entire article on it with tons of screenshots and sources.

So let me make one thing clear to you.

The purpose of actually, genuinely self diagnosing is not done to attract attention or to parade around and exploit other autistic people. Self diagnosed autistic individuals have recognised due to difficult life circumstances, financial hardship, bigotry and stigma within the medical/legal world, being a minor, lack of insurance, lack of proper access to safe care facilities, being denied assessment due to incompetent or biased practitioners, and/or any other obstacle that they may temporarily or permanently be barred from diagnosis. Self diagnosis does NOT instantly mean a person is posing for clout, nor does it indicate a person is trying to wring money from assistance services or exploit other autistics. And nts who use self diagnose with intentions of harming the community? That’s NOT self diagnosis, that’s abuse of something meant to aid people blocked from medical care or financial means to that care. All we can do for autistic people, no matter who we perceive them to be, is treat them the same way we would any other autistic person. Because the moment you start deciding by your own book who deserves respect and who doesn’t, you’ll be on a slippery slope to locking out thousands of autistic people from the community. If it’s discovered a person like Connie is literally abusing the system of self dx to intentionally mislead the community, by all means, we must hold them accountable. But you cannot simply go about granting and revoking access from people just because someone lacks a diagnosis or doesn’t fit your idea of what being autistic looks like, especially if it’s based on stereotypes.

Moral of the story? Isn’t it ironic how anti-self dx people will 100% believe a user who claims to be medically diagnosed but shows no “written proof” of it, yet always demand written proof from a self dx person? It’s almost like even anti-self dx people can’t tell the difference between someone who is medically diagnosed autistic and someone who isn’t. Well, that’s because they can’t. While there might be common traits, autism has no set model, it is a spectrum, no autistic person is alike; Policing self diagnosed people about their self diagnosis isn’t a form of protecting the community. It’s a form of gatekeeping. If you find yourself granting instant acceptance, without asking for proof, to a person insisting they are medically diagnosed like this neurotyical mother, but then prohibit self dx people from entry entirely on the grounds of not showing proof of medical assessment, you are upholding a double standard. This is why policing autistic people’s diagnosis, self or not, is inherently useless.

So here’s the thing... instead of asking people to stop self diagnosing, what you should instead be asking yourself is, “Why do people self diagnose? What kind of medical system could possibly be in place where people feel they need to resort to self diagnosis rather than get an actual diagnosis?”

Well, it’s mainly common knowledge among most of the autistic community that diagnosis is NOT easy to come by.

One of the main reasons why people cannot get a diagnosis is due to financial/insurance reasons. It’s reasonable to estimate that by the end of 2020 almost 30 million Americans alone were without health insurance. I’ve heard costs out of pocket for an autism diagnosis are between $500-$6000. If a person or a family cannot afford health insurance—which by the way on average is around $5,400 a year for a single person and $13,800 for a family here—where are they supposed to pull out $6,000 to get screened?

You might be asking, “Well aren’t insurances supposed to cover disability?” Sure, there are options for disability care through health insurance—not even going to get into that—but like a lot of things in the US, this is a severely flawed system. A lot of private health insurance will stop or limit coverage for an autism diagnosis or assistance services once a person reaches 18 to 21 years old. In most states, coverage has a higher chance of being denied to autistic adults coming with the added age cap or ONLY covering ABA, an abusive, manipulative “therapy” used to force social compliance and trait suppression on autistic people. The fact that ABA, a conversion therapy, is covered, but little else, shows exactly what insurance companies think of autistic people: they’ll only cover us if we want to learn to be “normal”. This can leave many undiagnosed autistic adults who cannot afford analysis, insurance, or safe assistance services with nowhere to turn. If I was not on my parents’ insurance, there is NO WAY I would EVER be able to afford a diagnosis. I don’t have $2,000 lying around. The MONEY ALONE would prohibit me from getting a diagnosis, no matter how many autistic traits I presented.

When I was going through this system years ago to start a diagnosis, I was shocked to find no therapist within three hours of me was accepting adult patients. “Up to 18 only” their websites would say. And in the event I had found one (1) that accepted me as a then 20 year old with X insurance, and that person refused me diagnosis, I would be out of options unless I planned a 5 hour drive which may have also led me to another biased screener. A person seeking self financed assessment can waste thousands of dollars therapist hopping.

People will say, “Well I live in X place, and where I come from, it’s covered!” Well the reality is that everyone in the world does not live where you live. It’s not realistic to assume everyone is in the same position as you or your family to afford care or access the same resources as you. When you say, “Just go out and get a diagnosis! It’s not that hard!”, understand you are speaking from your personal vantage point where screening may be easily accessed or easily covered/is free OR you have no personal knowledge of what that process is like yourself.

The second thing that bars a ton of people from being diagnosed is the fact that when autism was first discovered, its research was HEAVILY centered on white, cis, heterosexual men. The idea that autistic people are ONLY cis, white, heterosexual men carries on to this day. If you are an outlier to this stereotype, your chances of being misdiagnosed with something else or refused diagnosis skyrocket because so-called “professionals” don’t know how to observe traits in any other person besides a cis, white, heterosexual man, and refuse/fail to recognise the endless ways in which a person can be autistic. ALL the time I hear how AFAB people will go in to get screened only to find out their screener does not believe AFAB people can be autistic, because yes, sexism and anti-lgbtq+ ideas play a huge role in the incredibly outdated diagnostic process, because autism is still believed to be an “AMAB only” thing. People report going into a therapists office and being asked questions like, “Do you like going outside? Do you like having friends?” and being told that if you agree with either of these, you cannot be autistic because criteria at some places is so backwards, you can’t even say you enjoy conversation without failing the test. Other things commonly heard during the analysis are screeners telling someone they are too smart/articulate to be autistic, gas lighting them by saying they are mistaking their symptoms for something else/making them up, telling a person they seem normal, dismissing clear autistic traits by saying they’re unique “superpowers”, or intentionally misdiagnosing a person as ADHD INSTEAD of autistic. People on social media have also pointed out what influences racism has on the diagnostic process as well and how lack of research and understanding of autistic POC contributes to under-diagnosis and stigma has only contributed to refusal of care and under-representation of POC in the disabled community, as one autistic Black woman points out on Instagram, “I found excellent articles that support and validate my feelings and experiences, but I could find no research on autistic Black people.” Additionally, because research has primarily been done on young men, this means anyone who is not a cis man and is over the age of 18 and is seeking a diagnosis has a much higher chance of not receiving one because screeners don’t understand how autistic traits may present differently in adults, especially since adults are very likely to mask. Some autism screeners are so against autism they have told clients they would only diagnosis a person autistic if it was their last resort to avoid “placing a burden on their shoulders”. These reasons are largely responsible for why autism is incredibly mis/under-diagnosed. This ask would be the length of a novel if I included every single type of discrimination and mistreatment during the evaluation process alone, but understand it can be incredibly biased, sexist, transphobic, racist, or just flat out ableist. And guess what? Though this process can take as little as a month to get sorted, that is rare. The assessment SHOULD be very short. But a lot of autistic people have reported their diagnosis took more than 2-4 years because of having to waste time, energy, and money hopping from therapist to therapist looking for someone to take them seriously, as many autistic people compiled on the actuallyautistictiktoks page on Instagram point out.

The last thing I want to touch on is this idea that people have that self diagnosing is dangerous. “What if someone self diagnoses and they take advantage of services that are meant for autistic people?” ...The Big Things you think I am going to take advantage of as a self diagnosed autistic person, like scholarship money for instance or SSDI, I do not have legal access to without a formal diagnosis. I cannot waltz into a law firm and ask for a $5,000 scholarship for autistic people without a diagnosis, because they WILL NOT give it to me!

Let me tell you some of things I’ve “cruelly taken advantage of” as a self diagnosed autistic person. I bought glasses with blue light protection, because screen and fluorescent lighting at work and even natural blue toned light from the sky lowers my threshold for some sensory input like noise and social interaction; wearing them to work everyday has improved my sensory thresholds incredibly. I’ve talked to my manager and told him I’m autistic and that I have a hard time understanding vague direction and may need to step away briefly on occasion to tend to a shutdown before a meltdown comes on at work; he had no problem with this. I use subtitles; sometimes I have trouble processing audio or reading facial expressions and tone, and being able to see the words displayed on the screen gives me a significantly better understanding of what I watch. All my life, I have been having meltdowns which I had mistaken for mental breakdowns or panic attacks and having access to resources that walked me through preventative methods and tips on what to do if I have one has been ENORMOUSLY helpful to me. All my life, I was trying to deal with them thinking they were something else; becoming aware of this and accepting that they are in fact autistic meltdowns has helped me not only go through them, but has helped me redirect stims which at their worst previously had me hitting and clawing my arms, slapping my face, and even hitting my head. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait 4 years for a diagnosis to use resources I could be using to make my life more accessible right now!

People will say, “Oh well yeah, I don’t mean You are one of Those Types of self diagnosed autistic people, you clearly sound/look autistic, I’m talking about other people.” The thing is, there is no broad “sounding/looking autistic”, that’s stereotyping, and you can’t demand everyone who interacts with you show you their Autistic Card, because again, not everyone is able to be diagnosed, especially given the mistreatment and stigma present towards autistic people in the medical field! And what made you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “don’t seem autistic” to you? Why didn’t you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “seemed autistic” to you? By denying anyone who doesn’t have a diagnosis resources they may very well need, you are denying assistance to thousands of people who are without means to be diagnosed. And I am SO tired of seeing comments online on self diagnosis posts that “people don’t know what they’re taking about” as if they know us personally, like are you me? Are you my doctor I’ve consulted? Did you watch me academically research and consult with other autistic people about being autistic for over 3 years? I’m tired of “well, one time a self diagnosed person laughed at my actually autistic diagnosed friend...so all self dx people are evil” because there is ZERO correlation between a person being self assessed and their behavior towards a non self assessed person. The fact both those arguments are in use whenever self dx comes up is yet another form of gatekeeping.

Self diagnosing autism is not begging for attention or Evil Criminal Money Funneling Schemes. It is a result of a deeply flawed medical and insurance system that has failed to give proper attention and care to those who need it, it is a result of resources not made available, of safe support systems not there for kids and adults alike. You want to talk about what’s truly dangerous? How the hate group Autism Speaks has been parading itself around since 2005 as an advocacy group for autistic people and has been misusing millions of dollars worth of donation money and promoting stigma and hatred around autistic people; no autistic members are present on their board. How Sia and her new film Music was nominated for 2 Golden Globes despite it replacing the original autistic actor with a neurotypical actor, using offensive stereotypes, and using the main autistic character as a prop, and featured an extremely dangerous bodily restraint scene on an autistic person having a meltdown in public and featured very insensitive content due to Sia’s lack of consulting with autistic people to make the film (spoilers in that article).

Instead of policing autistic people, whether they fit your idea of what an autistic person is or not, redirect your efforts and your energy to dismantling systems and holding others accountable for perpetuating harmful stereotypes about autistic people that are legitimately dangerous on such a scale that they have created insurmountable damage to the autistic community. But I guarantee you, worrying over whether your classmate is “faking it” will not do any justice to the decades worth of discrimination autistic people face still today.

I understand. You care about the community, you don’t want autistic people to be exploited or taken advantage of. I don’t want to be exploited and taken advantage of as an autistic person, and I don’t want that for others! But I also understand that when we self proclaim ourselves as judges of random autistic strangers on the internet or start accusing people of faking or demanding to see medical paperwork from people when the basis of our suspicions is “this person doesn’t look like my stereotyped view on how I think an autistic person should act”, THAT is when you really run into trouble. Because if you are allowed to deny self dx people entrance into the autistic community, what’s stopping you from thinking you have the power to deny ANYONE entrance into that community?

And there is power in self diagnosis for many autistic people. When the evaluation system is literally rigged to set you up for failure and put you through unnecessary hardship, self dx is a self affirming, empowering tool to take back control from a process designed to gaslight and crush you. The evaluation process was NOT formulated by an autistic person, nor was it made to be inclusive of all autistic people. Until the evaluation system in place for autistic people is safe, accessible, and free to ALL, you have EVERY right to self diagnose.

[marvelousbutterfly]

Hi! are you taking prompts? i have one if you want to, how about Tony found out that they're light saber shaped chewables? i have ADHD and used them and when i'm working and recently purchased one, i was unsure because i thought it would be feeling weird (the lego one was uncomfortable) but is smooth and great ❤️

Hey there! I'm sorry it took me so long, but your prompt is finally done! This is part of a story that will have at least one more chapter. Here you go, I hope you enjoy it:

I am burned out (I smell of smoke) (read on ao3)

The school semester was finally over, and Peter was exhausted. It had been a draining one, and he had struggled more than usual. Still, with a lot of support, the boy had managed to keep his grades from sinking - though they did drop a bit.

On the first weekend after the end of the semester, Peter barely left his bed. May and Tony talked and shared their concerns with each other, and they finally decided to let him rest and recover, but still help him feel better from the accumulated stress and not dwell on it.

That's how the trio ended up in the Parker's living room, watching the boy's favorite Star Wars movie while having his current samef-ood from the nearby Thai place.

Once Peter fell asleep cuddled against May, Tony pulled up his phone and started searching for chewables on stim toy stores online. He had noticed that his pseudo-son had been chewing lightly on his fingers, and his chewables didn't seem to reach the teeth he needed them to at that moment, or maybe they couldn't provide the right stimulation he was seeking.

Tony scrolled through different websites, frustrated but unwilling to give up. That's when he pulled up yet another website and immediately saw the store's new products. One of them caught his attention: lightsaber-shaped chewables. The man celebrated quietly, causing May to look at him with a questioning look while suppressing a laugh. Tony grinned at her and mouthed "later".

He turned back to his phone, immediately adding two - no, three, Peter liked the number three - of those to his cart. __________________________________________________

Two days later, the package arrived. Tony rushed to the boy's room at the Tower, where he would stay for the week, knocking on the door lightly.

"Come in," Peter said in a small and slightly muffled voice.

The man opened the door to see a lump under the covers, the soft light of a laptop screen coming from under them as well.

"I've got something for you," he said, and Peter shoved the covers away, jumping up to a sitting position with the little energy he had, eyes wide in curiosity.

Tony handed him the package, which he opened slowly and carefully. When he finally got to the transparent zip-lock bag inside, he turned to look at his father-figure, a grin now plastered on his face.

"No way!" he said excitedly, "These are awesome!"

The man laughed fondly at his joy, happy to finally see him enthusiastic about something.

When May arrived for dinner at the Tower later that day, she couldn't hide her relief to finally see her nephew more relaxed. She also noticed how he was chewing on a toy this time, the light teeth marks on his fingers finally getting the chance to fade.

The small family gathered around the table, happily making plans for the next few days, wanting nothing more than to enjoy the boy's free time.

Of course, he still felt exhausted and needed time to recover after such a draining semester at school - the bad things never go away overnight, like magic -, but every happy moment like this, no matter how small, planted a seed of joy that would be able to grow little by little, until Peter could feel healed once again.

[krakenartificer]

When I got my ADHD diagnosis, I looked at the questions on the screening form and thought, "If this result comes back positive, then I'm definitely not the only person in my family who has it." Questions like

"Have difficulty finishing one activity before starting another one" and

"I finish others' sentences before they can finish it themselves" and

"have trouble staying on one topic when talking"

...I thought were just weird quirks of my family, but no. When I got my results, I contacted my cousin, and she contacted her sisters and mother, and .. .. yeah. Basically everyone in my dad's side of the family is ADHD.

Now there are some problems with that, obviously, (getting family reunions to stick to a schedule is lol no) but there are some really fantastic perks. For one thing, no one in that family minds if I interrupt them while they're talking ... everyone's happy to keep 3 conversations going at the same time .... and no one minds if you fidget constantly.

But the best perk -- at least that I've found so far -- is that all of our parents have coping mechanisms, and passed them on to us. When I found myself unable to handle tasks with more than one step, my father didn't say "WTF are you talking about? It's easy! Just do the thing! Stop being lazy!" No, he could relate completely, and he sat down and taught me how to handle that.

So today, I'm going to pass on to you the coping mechanism my dad taught me for handling the "cannot put tasks in order / cannot get started / forget what I'm doing" problem. You'll need to adjust it for your own needs and your own struggles, but hopefully it'll be helpful in setting up your own process.

I'm going to walk through it with a big project I'm doing at work, just to have a concrete example. That will make some of the discussion specific to computer programming and technical writing, but I do the same thing for all my projects, so hopefully it'll be generalizable.

So to set the stage:

I was supposed to modify this piece of code -- we'll call it "Rosetta" -- to make it handle call data as well as what it was already doing. I did that.... but we now need the code to be able to handle calls (if that's wanted) but also to be able to handle NOT having calls (if THAT'S wanted).

Which is just .... ugh. So much. SOOOOOOOO much.

So. Break it down.

Step one is to get some recording mechanism - pen and paper, whiteboard, blank computer document, whatever

(Technically, this is a different coping strategy, so we'll just take a quick detour: WRITE THINGS DOWN. Your brain is shit at remembering things, and anyway you've already got limits on your working memory; why would you choose to tie up some of that limited resource in something that could be accomplished with literal stone-age technology? Don't even try to remember things. WRITE THEM DOWN.)

I like sticky notes: they're readily available in all offices, they're pretty cheap, and (most importantly) they can be rearranged if it turns out that I forgot a step or put the steps in the wrong order (which, like, let's be honest, I am definitely going to do). But they kill trees and create unnecessary methane emissions, so I've recently switched over to using virtual sticky notes. That's the format I'm going to use for this example, but you can use anything that meets your purposes.

So, you've got something to write with, you're ready to start.

The first question is: what are you trying to accomplish here? What would "done" look like? What is our goal?

I need to end up with a version of Rosetta that will make the correct results if you don't want calls, and will also make the correct results if you do.

The goal here is that you end up with a statement that you can definitively say (a) Yes this is what I wanted or (b)No this is not right because _______

In this case, in order to do that, I'll need to define "correct results" for both call- and non-call versions. But if I have that nailed down, then this statement meets that criterion: I'll be able to say "Yes, this is what I wanted: see, it makes the correct result for calls, and it makes the correct result for not-calls". Or else I'll be able to say, "No, this is wrong: see, it makes the correct result for calls, but on not-calls it does X and we wanted Y."

I have a clear, definitive standard about what I need to do and whether or not I've done it.

But there was a prerequisite there: I need to define "correct results".

So that goes on a sticky note: Create test that will compare my results to existing call!Rosetta-results and to existing not-call!Rosetta-results.

[ID: Two blue boxes, one on top of the other. The top one says in white text "Create test to compare my results to call!results" The bottom one says "Create test to compare my results to not-call!results"] OK. So now we know what we want. The second question is: what do we need to do in order to get that? Here's where the sticky-note recording system really shines, because you don't have to answer this question sequentially. You just start writing down every single thing that is not the way you want it to end up.

I need it to remove commas in the python script, not the bash script

I need to delete the first part of the get_runs() function, which doesn't do anything

I need to delete the rest of the parameters passed to build_query_script() function, because runs encompasses all the others

while we're on that subject, runs doesn't even need the group_variable, so let's pull that out of the parameter document

we also have a dmf defined, which the bash script demands but doesn't use; let's change that demand

since we're changing the structure of the parameter document, we don't need to pull new metrics for each run, so let's move that outside of the runs() loop and only run once

right now the parameter document is ALMOST but not quite "one row per template". Make it so it's actually one row per template.

among other things, that's going to require making it possible for a template to be followed by nothing at all, since it's the assumption that a template will have a metrics block after it that makes it not quite one row per template. So make it possible to publish a template with a null block

the other thing that's weirdly hard-coded is the definition of what a block looks like. Would it make more sense to separate that out into an input file, like the parameters document? On the one hand, that would make it much more flexible; on the other hand, that's another piece that can break. Don't know. Put a question mark on it.

etc

Here's what it looks like at the end of this step:

[ID: A black and white background showing many boxes in two different shades of blue, all with white text. Some of the boxes are overlapping each other.]

As you can see, at this phase you don't need to worry about any of the following:

ordering the tasks. Just stick 'em right on top of each other for now

how you're going to do any of this. Right now we just need to know what, not how

sticking to only one project. As I was working on this, it occurred to me that this whole process would have been a heck of a lot easier if someone had just made a user manual for this, and since I have to go through all the code line-by-line anyway, I might as well write up the documentation while I'm at it. (To help out future-me, if nothing else.) So I put those tasks on another color of sticky note.

making notes that make any ***ing sense to anyone else. This process is for you, and only you need to understand what you're talking about it. Phrase it in ways that make sense to your brain, and to hell with anyone else.

on that topic, also don't worry about making steps that are "too small" or "too dumb" to write down. This is for you. If "save document" feels like a step to you, then write it down.

You also don't need to get every single step involved in the project right now. Get as many as you can, to be sure, but the process is designed on the assumption that you ARE going to forget important steps, and is designed to handle that.

When you can't think of any more steps, then the third question is: what order does it make sense to do these in? Are there any steps that would be easier if you did another step first? Are there any that literally cannot be done unless another step is complete?

This is also a good place to group steps if they fit together nicely. When I used physical sticky notes, I used two different sizes; digitally I can of course make them whatever size I want.

So I have several documentation steps that (a) do need to be written to make sense to other people and (b) I really need to know what's going on before I can do that. I could write them now, but if I did, I'd just end up re-writing them based on things that change as I'm coding. So we'll move those to the end:

[ID: Three dark blue boxes with white text. They read "Create step-by-step instructions for creating your own metric agg", "Create step-by-step instructions for modifying a metric", "Create step-by-step instructions for modifying a query."]

These parts, though -- if I had all the variable structures written down, I could look at them while I'm coding. Then I won't have to keep scrolling back and forth in the code, trying to remember if it's an array or a dictionary while also trying to remember what part of the code I was working on. Brilliant. Move that to the front.

[ID: Seven dark blue boxes with white text, three large, four small. The first one is large and says "Write up explanation of how Rosetta works." The second one is large and says "Document structure of all variables." Attached to that one are four smaller boxes that say "All_blocks", "Runs", "metric", "New_block". The third large one says "Document what qb_parameters.csv contains"]

Also, while I'm at it, I should get the list of variables I need to document -- then I won't have to keep scrolling to find them. Make those sub-steps.

I definitely keep needing to look up what's in the parameters document, so I should write that down, too. For the user manual I also should write down what's in the metric document, but I don't need that for myself, so I can send that to the end.

[ID: The same three dark blue boxes from two screenshots ago (create step-by-step instructions for metric agg, modifying a metric, and modifying a query), now with another dark blue box in front of them with white text that says "Document what granular_metrics.tsv contains."]

These five are all small steps, and are all related in that they don't actually (hopefully) change the functionality of the code; they're just stuff left over from prior versions of this code. So we can lump them all together.

[ID: Five light blue boxes with white text that say "Delete first part of get_runs()", "Have build_query_script only receive the "run" parameter" "Delete dmf" "Move metrics=get_metrics() outside build_all_blocks (all the way up to the top level?" "Delete group_variable from qp_parameters"]

My brain likes this better, so that I can keep track of fewer "main steps", but that's just a peculiarity of me -- you should lump and split however you prefer to make this process easier for you.

[ID: The same five boxes from the prior screenshot, now all made smaller and attached to a larger box that says "Remove Legacy Code"]

Keep going, step by step, sticky by sticky, until you've got them in order. If -- while you're doing this -- you remember another thing you need to do, write it on a sticky and slap it on the pile; you don't have to stop what you're doing to deal with it, because it's written down and it's on the pile and it will get processed; you can just keep working on the thing you're on right now.

[ID: All the same boxes from the first screenshot, now in a neat row. Some of the original boxes have been grouped together. The ones that were said to be at the beginning of the process are on the left and the ones that were said to be at the end are on the right.]

Step four: for the love of all that's holy, SAVE THIS LIST.

Write it on your cubicle whiteboard where it won't be erased

write it on a piece of paper and tape it to the office wall

send an email to yourself

take a picture with your phone

I don't care but save it.

When I used physical sticky notes, I kept them all on the hood of my cubicle's shelf. Now, as you can see, I use Powerpoint, which is irritating af but does allow me to keep everything in a single document, which I can write down the path of.

[ID: White text on a black background says "open ~/Documents/Rosetta\ Modifications\ and \Documentation.pptx" The next line says "Notes in Rocketbook pg 10-12, 16" The next line says "Turn that into documentation that can be used for making modifications."]

And now (finally) you can answer the question "How would I even get started on that?" You look at the first thing on the list, and you treat it as its own project. You can hyperfocus on this step and completely forget about everything else this project requires, because everything you need to remember for the rest of it is written down.

If, as you're working a step, you think of something else you need to do for the big project, write it on a sticky and slap it on the pile. Don't even worry about trying to order it or identify sub-steps; as long as it's not blocking the thing you need to work on right now, you don't have to care. Just stick that bugger anywhere at all on the list, and go back to what you were doing. When you un-hyperfocus and come back to look at your list, there'll be a big sticky note stuck sideways across all the rest of the steps, and you'll remember to file and order it then.

Other benefits of this system

1) The first question really helps with unclear directions from your boss. You can take whatever they told you to do, and translate it into a requirement that is clearly either met or not-met, and then run it back by the boss.

If they say, "No, no, we want ______" then phew! You just saved a huge miscommunication and weeks of wasted work! What a good employee you are! What an excellent team player with strong communication skills!

If they say "Yes, that's what I want," then you know -- for sure -- what it is you're trying to accomplish. Your anxiety is reduced, and your boss thinks you're super-conscientious.

(And if your boss is a jerk who likes to move the goalposts and blame it on their subordinates, then have this conversation over email, so you can show it to their boss or to HR should it become necessary.)

2) Having this project map means that when you spend an hour staring at the requirements and trying to figure out how to get started (which, let's be honest, you were definitely going to do anyway) ... When your boss/coworker comes by and says, "How's it going?" Instead of having to say "I haven't even started 😞" You can say, "Pretty well! I've got all the steps mapped out and am getting ready to start on implementation!" and show them your list, and they think you're very organized and meticulous. 3) Sometimes, especially in corporate jobs, you and your coworkers will run into a problem that's too big for even Neurotypicals to hold all in their heads. At that point, the NTs will be completely lost -- they've never had to develop a way to handle projects they can't just look at and know how to get started. So then you pipe up in the meeting and say, "OK, well, what exactly are we trying to accomplish?" and everybody at the conference table looks at you like you're a goddamned genius and you don't have to tell them that you use this exact same process to remember how to make a sandwich 😅

4) Having this project map makes it so much easier to stop work and then start it up again later, but this post is already really really really long, so I'm going to address that in a separate (really really long) post.

[wuv4eva]

Help a Hispanic, bisexual, and mentally ill person start their Etsy business!

Hi, my name is Bella and my family is in a difficult position at the moment. My father lost his job due to being in the hospital for a long time. The first time was for pneumonia and sepsis, the second time was for residual pneumonia, and the third was for low oxygen levels and a right lung infection.

My mother recently quit her third job (Laundry worker) as it was quite painful for her since she suffers from arthritis, also it was quite straining on her mental health. She now works as a babysitter but it's still not enough to make ends meet.

I suffer from anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and trauma. This pandemic has increased my anxiety since I have a phobia of germs and I'm afraid that I won't do well in a normal public job setting.

My father told me not to worry about money, but I can't help it. The condo we are renting from my Aunt is a mess. (Ex, broken doors and walls, torn window screens, and carpets stained and worn.)

Starting a shop will help my family live a little instead of worrying so much.

I'll be selling candles, and oil-based perfumes inspired by things such as K-POP, Avatar/LoK, and various other fandoms.

Examples -

Katara • Water lilies, snow, white tea, and lychee fruit.

Tranquility • Rain, green tea, lavender, and sandalwood.

How you can help:

Supplies for my shop

Amazon:

Etsy:

DM for address, please.

Address!

Please DM me for Pay Pal and Venmo link!

Thank you so much for reading. If you can't donate, please share. I love and appreciate you 🥺💞

[pluviophile-bookworm]

HSMTMTS 2x9: so dreaded, so exciting, 'Sword!' (yeah, I went there, I've been thinking about this scene - you know the one - since yesterday for some reason)

After two computer malfunctions and a very tough, very sleepless night, here I am with a third attempt to write this post. The universe is against me today. Is Mercury in retrograde or something? Ugh, I just want to get this over with already. And I haven't even managed to see half the episode yet. You better like this cursed post because it's taken me two hours at this point, and will probably take another to finish - and that is if nothing goes wrong this time. Please bear with me. This is my reaction to HSMTMTS 2x9, take 3. Let's hope and pray it's the last one.

I'm normally [unpopular opinion alert] a very spoiler-positive person (it's the combination of anxiety and ADHD and a bunch of other stuff, I suppose), but for this one I've been refraining from looking at the tag all morning, so by now I'm simply bursting with impatience. But before we dive in, I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Some pre-watch thoughts and feelings (let's see how well they will have aged by the end of the episode):

Seriously, what is with whoever writes this show? I know it's impossible, but I feel like they've been toying with my emotions specifically all season. Like:

Ah, so you were a Rini shipper last season? Great, now we'll make them obnoxious and borderline toxic to the point where you actually want them to break up, but then their old chemistry will be back just for the breakup scene so that you can cry your eyes out over the one couple you couldn't stand - even though you can't seem to relate to a single song from Sour, we'll make you feel like you do for a hot second. At least it will remind you that you loved Ricky.

So you say Redlyn own your heart and soul? Great, we'll make you dread something going wrong with them for a week straight, and mess up your sleep schedule beyond repair over it. You're welcome!

We heard you said Rodfini give you life? Perfect, how about a big Seblos fight? And would you like a side of questioning your choice to stan Carlos with that? Because what is life without a little anxiety, a bit of doubt of your ability to read people, and a pinch of existential dread, right?

Ah, so you claimed not to ship Portwell romantically, is that right? Brilliant, we'll make you ship them and then we'll use that to torture you, too.

You've been excited about ABF and Asher Angel guest-starring ever since they were announced? Magnificent! We'll make you hate ABF's character to the point where you can't even look at him, and we'll make you call him names you thought yourself incapable of uttering. And as for Asher, you'll be left waiting for him until the last third of the season, and then you'll dread the possibility of hating his character, too. Do you love us yet?

Oof! Right then, I've got that out of my system. Time to dive in.

Miss Jenn playing around with the backgrounds is, like, 90% of the people who had online school this year, and honestly, I love that for her.

Wait, why is Nini first on this call? Are they going through with the Rose thing? Cos like, the song is nice and all (and, might I add, much more to my taste than nearly all of Sour, don't @ me), but if they use it, it will get them disqualified. They’ve been told that! Gosh, please let me be wrong about this.

We get it, Carlito, rich and fancy and over-the-top is kind of your thing, but have you stopped for a second to think about how others will feel about this? Especially Seb, whom you claim to care about. Seriously, though, I love Carlos and would not hesitate to die for him, but I’m getting the feeling that, unlike my other favourite (you know the one), he wouldn’t do the same for me. Oh well, he’ll figure it out. He’s just a kid. Give him time.

Wait, Milky White? Is that an Into the Woods reference I smell? Cool! If I had a cow, I’d totally name her Milky White (or Gertrude, but don’t ask me why). I just hope they don’t have to, like, take her to the market and exchange her for magic beans, if you catch my drift.

Ahhhhh, Caswell cousins content! We love to see it!

‘You guys are watching, like, old old movies’ WTH, Nini (or is it Nina)? Scary Movie is literally younger than me. But what do you know about it, you 21st-century baby! Ugh, I don’t know why I’m being so hostile today... must be the lack of sleep. Hope it doesn’t influence my reactions to the episode so dramatically as to make me forget how much I love this series. Because I do.

Yay! Big Red is here! I can finally smile. And did Ash just say they’re soulmates? Because yes they are! Ahhh my heart is going to explode.

‘Nini, have you heard from [Ricky]?’ Yikes, awkward... but of course, Big Red can be counted on to save the day here, too.

Ok, so that was a cool cold open. Time for some nice in-person scenes, though. I did not spend all of three semesters doing online school just to have the characters of my favourite series do the same.

Wow, Gina is really embracing that French accent thing! And I really don’t want to think about, erm, ‘Napoleon over here’ right now, but I really think the fact that she’s doing it better than him will be another piece of evidence towards my theory of fake-French!Antoine... ugh, I said his name. Oh well. Back to Gina. Too bad the French thing didn’t work out for her.

Ahhhh, Portwell with Ash in the background! And Ash is going to paint EJ’s nails! I feel like he’s going to end up loving that, despite what he says right now. But seriously, I just love how comfortable these two are with each other. Can you blame me now for shipping them as friends? Well, I mean, it’s obvious they will be more than friends, and somehow, despite the amatonormativity of it all, I’m here for it.

Wait, was that Asher? That was Asher, I’m 100% sure of it. And Gina said ‘a sign’ and then looked at him, even from the back... what am I supposed to think and feel here? I’m confused. Moving on.

Ahh, poor Ricky being a burrito... good thing that breakup scene last time reminded me that I love him, because the entirety of the season before that was very good at making me forget that.

Wait, did she say ‘the Bean’? As in, that Bean? The infamous Bean? LOL.

‘So the only time you two talk to each other is to gossip about me’ Boy, did I feel that. I once got my hands on my dad’s mobile and I... kind of went through his texts with mum. Yep, all about me and my brother. At this point I feel like they’re only together because of us. But this is getting too personal. I’m here about the episode, not to rant about my family. Moving on.

Yikes, looks like Nini’s got writer’s block all over again. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I kind of don’t. I mean, no hate towards her, none at all, but that entire scene just felt awkward and unnecessary. And not just because it’s her first time going live. That I can understand. What I don’t understand is why the writers can’t seem to do anything creative and interesting with Nini. Olivia is being wasted there. Idk, that’s just how I feel. Again, no hate.

Ahhhhh it’s Asher! And well, he’s not Jonah, but I kind of really like him as Jack. I wonder if that will last.

So is it just me, or is anyone else not quite sure how to feel about Ricky’s mum? I mean, their interactions seem kind of awkward and strained, but that’s how it’s supposed to be given their recent history, and yet something just doesn’t sit quite right with me.

‘You there, Muse? It’s me, Nini!’ Ah, so it’s Nini again? I didn’t get the memo. Gosh, this episode is kind of really underwhelming. The most exciting thing so far (but not nearly as exciting in practice as it was in theory) – Asher and Sofia’s on-screen reunion. The second most exciting thing? The thought of Ash painting EJ’s nails. Everything else? Kind of ‘whatever’. Is this what I tossed and turned about all night? Totally not worth it. This episode better get, like, 300% better right this instant. It’s just not worth all the frustration and excitement and dread so far.

Looks like my prayers from just now have been heard! That improv scene was hilarious! Guess it was lucky that Miss Jenn had them do improv before this moment. But I need to know more of Jack’s backstory now.

Ok, so that was awkward! So Kourtney is talking to Howie again, I guess. And I guess I know now what Carlos did that was all public and no subtle. Still, what’s wrong with posting photos from your holiday? Guess I don’t exactly know yet what Carlos did to piss the others off so much.

Great, now I’m tempted to google butterfly faces. Good thing I’m not eating anymore. *** Ughhhhh this was a mistake! Please don’t ever look a butterfly in the face if you want to stay sane. Don’t be like me.

Ahhh the Duke sweater! ‘Is that your boyfriend’s?’ Well, not quite yet, it’s not... *screams in Portwell*

Oh, now we’re talking! But seriously, Ricky? The ‘my friends think’ card? Why don’t you just say ‘I think’? It’s clearly something you’ve thought about a lot. I feel like I’m going to love this scene or cry over it or both.

Ooh, therapy. It’s not just... basically the entire fandom... who says it now. Please tell me that means Ricky will be going to therapy at some point. Says the girl who is currently firmly refusing to go to therapy in favour of hyperfixating on HSMTMTS and getting back into the good old practice of having imaginary friends... yeah, I’m one to talk.

My, my, my! Seb has really had it now. I mean, it was about time, but... not quite like this. My heart is starting to do some weird stuff, I can feel it. I might need to lie down.

Ok, so as much as I envy North High for getting to see so many shows on BWay – basically living out my dream – stalking East High on Instagram and being shady about them taking a well-deserved break... just goes beyond all limits. I mean, if you’re so into Broadway shows, you should know as well as I do what happened the last time a certain founding father did not take a break. Maybe you’re the ones in need of a break here.

Nini on the call with the Caswell cousins, though... ‘I’m obsessed with both of you’ – first relatable thing she’s said or done all season. And EJ playing with old toys is pure gold.

Oh, so Jack’s dad is a pilot. Makes sense, I guess. I’m kind of intrigued by this guy. Just as long as he doesn’t try to come between Portwell before they’ve had the chance to happen, you know...

Ashlyn might need to stop swooning over Nini’s songwriting or Big Red might get jealous... I mean, I would not have pinned him as the jealous type before 2x7, but ever since then... I guess insecure + dating a girl like Ash = the jealous type. And although that looks good on him, I’d bet anything it doesn’t feel particularly pleasant on his side. So... wait, why am I talking about Big Red? He hasn’t even got anything to do with the scene at hand. But then again, there’s been so little Big Red content in this episode that I seem to be trying to make up for it. Still. Stay focused.

Ooh, so Big Red did edit that video! Is there anything my boy can’t do? Ok, now I feel like he’s even more criminally underappreciated than he was before. But let’s look at the video. I’m curious to see the whole thing because that sneak peek from yesterday simply hasn’t been enough.

That was... really, really cool! I love how they took the ‘when they go low, we go high’ line from last time and run with it. Now if only they were putting as much effort into BATB... North High wouldn’t know what hit them.

Hmmmm... I guess Gina and Jack could be what I originally wanted Portwell to be... really cool friends. Unless it’s one of those ‘airport magic’ things. Oh well. It probably is. Was that all we’re seeing of Asher here? I did not wait 2/3 of the season for this. Though it was nice.

Ooh, Ricky’s solo song... why is there more Rini chemistry in this song than there was in all the season? Not counting the breakup scene, of course. Also, I feel like it’s just as much about him and his mum as it is about Nini. Some say music is the best therapy. I think they might be right. And no, I’m not crying. You are.

The granola bar, though... this episode might have been very underwhelming in the first half, but... it delivered in the Portwell front, and the music was *chef’s kiss*, so I’m willing to let it slide that the advertised Seblos ‘big fight’ was not touched upon nearly enough. Maybe next week...

Ok, now that we’re done watching the episode, let’s see how my feelings from the beginning have aged:

The Rini breakup: apparently, along with reminding me that I love Ricky, it has rendered me unable to look at Nini. What’s up with that? If this is some sort of tactic along the lines of ‘Olivia might be leaving the show so we’re making you hate her character so that you won’t miss her’, it’s not really working. Because I don’t want to hate Nini. Believe me, I don’t.

Redlyn: ok, so there’s nothing wrong with them whatsoever - we even got a ‘soulmates’, which I loved - but first they’re being swept under the rug, and then the antis come at us with that ‘their relationship is underdeveloped’ nonsense. Individually, though, I liked them in this episode (even if there was a significant shortage of Big Red), and Ashlyn collaborating with Nini again was cool, but... what I really wanted to see was her painting EJ’s nails. Did she even get the chance to actually do it? Maybe next week.

Seblos: I’m still failing to understand exactly what Seb thinks Carlos did wrong (please enlighten me if you did catch that, I’m kind of slow), but he (Seb) does have reasons to be mad at him (Carlos)... and at other people, too. Still, if you want to have a fight between two people in a relationship, you could do much better than whatever this episode was. Maybe next week. I notice I’m saying that a lot. Guess I’m putting a lot of hopes on 2x10. I just pray it doesn’t disappoint.

Portwell: boy, am I happy that my frustration on this front did not age well! What I mean is, apparently they’ve decided to bless us, not torture us for once. Even a rather disappointing episode like this one had to have some sort of silver lining. And Portwell is it.

Asher as Jack: well, luckily I didn’t hate him, but... it’s kind of the opposite problem. I loved him and now they’re taking him away from me. Guess I just can’t win here. Oh well. At least he didn’t have the screen time to get in between Portwell...

All in all: 2x10, my hopes and prayers are with you!

[thejosh1980]

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

We've sure had a few changes here at The Ocean Shores Resort. It's been a full on month since I last wrote... Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, we've been keeping positive, enjoying the cooler days. Damn summer is hot and long here!!!

The past few months have all been about learning to deal with life's unexpected roadblocks and detours.

There's a lot to tell, but I think the main thing is, at least for me, that I've been a student for the first time the late 1990's. I've spent the past 4 weeks in class, learning, studying, researching, getting to know my classmates and finding all of it challenging, stimulating and exciting.

Studying counseling has been surprisingly awesome for my mental health too. I mean, I have had some really challenging days, especially when it comes to some of the assessments. The first one, well I just about quit the course over it. I really was at my wit's end. An assessment, I suspect, that was created by some office nut job in a government position, who never taught a day in his life and thinks his open ambiguous questions are making it easier for us to answer. I think the whole class suffered sleepless nights that week!! Terrible, but I chipped away at it, persevered and managed to finish it a few days early. Not only that, I learnt a lot about myself and the situation at hand, as you know I'm all about the process.

I learnt that I have to work slowly and meaningfully at these assessments. I can't expect to finish it in one sitting or even in one weekend. Just starting and having a go, finding the easier parts to get done first, using different resources (I love how I can spend the day watching youtube videos and count that as research) and making sure I take time to focus on me with a little bit of self care.

Alex has been super great too, as I delve into this mysterious world of study and being a student. She listens to me talk about the counseling theory of the day, the one we just did in class and how great it is because I can already apply it to friends, family or, more importantly, myself, only to hear me talk about the next theory the next day, like it's gods gift to therapy. She proof reads all my work, debates theories, offers very good suggestions (not only is she super self aware, but she's studied psychology) and somehow, I don't know how she does it, but she knows when I need a break and encourages me to take it. Otherwise I would be at the books day and night.

I've also learnt a lot in class about myself. Part of that comes from comparing my experiences, beliefs and knowledge with my classmates. They are all really great people from a wide variety of backgrounds. But some, push my buttons ever so gently, and I love it. I love the challenge of figuring out why I react to that person that way. What is it I'm feeling and why?

I am thankful this is not an online course!

I've gotten to know some classmates fairly well, and I am surprised at how they openly offer words of appreciation and support. Like “your voice is really calming” and “your vulnerability and openness is a breath of fresh air”. I always thought my voice sounded pretty crap! (Yes I know I sing, but that still doesn't mean I like the sound of my own voice). Also, I never thought I was actually being vulnerable, I always thought that I was just sharing stuff, my stuff, in the hope we can understand each other better. I may have to stop that now....

Nahhhh, just kidding...

The course is something that is right for me, right now. I don't think my mental state would have been ready 2 to 5 years ago, let alone 10 or even 20 years ago!!

Besides the 2 afternoons being ruined by frustration, anger and hopelessness, due to the above mentioned assessment from hell, it's been a good 4 weeks into the year long course. I look forward to each day in class... I even go to the college on my off days to work in the library instead of working from home. I just get more done, even though Mijo misses my lap!

I don't know where the course will take me, I haven't even thought of what job I want to do once I'm a qualified counselor. I hope that during my time as a student, the course will guide me in the direction best suited for me. Learn my weaknesses, follow my strengths and work with both. It's all too overwhelming to think too far ahead. See, I'm learning...

Right here and now... That's all that matters....

During my first week at college, Alex changed jobs. Arriving in Australia and diving head first into real estate sales 1 hour away from home was a real high jump to begin with! The pressure of the job, not to mention the 2 hours a day traveling time, the weekend work and the small size of the business with undefined job roles made it tough! Real tough!

Alex decided to side step into an admin position in a bigger real estate company closer to home with defined job roles, massive support and a very positive outlook. She basically took up her role she had in New York. She's lovin' it! I am too. She's home each night at the same time, doesn't bring much work home with her, other than stories of her awesome day, which I love to hear. Additionally she now has her weekends free to explore and relax too.

She also found a psychiatrist who confirmed her ADHD diagnosis. Alex was originally diagnosed in her early 20's after her turbulent teenage years. She had therapy and medication back then but after a huge burn out in the US, she came back to Germany and let it all lapse. It has been a real struggle for her to cope, and at times, I'll be honest, it has put strain on our marriage. Well, 1 day after her first doc appointment and her meds had kicked in, she's become a new woman. It's been great to get to know this side of her. While things are not 100% perfect, I now have a wife who looks forward to getting up and attacking the day with gusto.

Mum's had a hard run lately too... We all know that I came back to help support her as her eye sight slowly deteriorates. I've been here to read every label, drive her to every appointment and help her work the wonderful world of her laptop, printer and Windows. Alex has been alongside us for the ride too. There's been a few recent health issues that have cropped up. I can't go into detail, but it's fair to say, I can see it was the right time to come home and be here to support Mum.

Mum is strong willed, strong minded and independent, and little of that will change while she can fight against all the odds throwin' at her. It's been a tough couple of weeks, and mum's kept focused on the bigger picture, her health, it's been inspiring.

Mijo has been through the wars.

The little deaf cat recently celebrated his 6 month birthday, but the poor fella has something seriously going on with his health which means we are delaying any big celebrations until his 1st birthday... Besides ringworm (it's not actually a worm, it's a fungal infection), a tooth that won't grow down (it grows directly forward and needs to be surgically removed), no appetite and losing weight, he's doing fine! The poor lethargic fella sleeps all day, which is kind of normal, except I can't remember the last time he had the energy to chase a toy or even run.

I haven't been taking him out much, he needs rest. We did explore the beaches, rivers and parks nearby together, I hope that in a few months I can pick up where we left off. For now he needs rest, calmness and another trip or two the vet.

Through all these ups and downs, we're all actually quite good.

My deep hole from February/March is just a blimp on the computer screen of my life. Studying has raised a few challenges but I am working my way through them, determined to kick that courses ass and learn, learn, learn... One day I hope I can help others through similar struggles as my own.

Alex's struggles with ADHD are progressing in the right direction now and her new job sure was the right call. Mum is showing the world she can take on whatever is thrown at her, and then some.

Alex and I keep going from strength to strength. I'm blessed with her support, respect and love. One classmates already calls her “the awesome wife”, and they've never met!! I guess when I talk about my wife, I reek of pride and love, as it should be.

Thanks for reading,

The Josh