#trying my best to get through the night
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
US Tumblr user growth rate is estimated to slow down to 4.1%.
Text
26.06.24
I was on the phone to a lady from Samaritans. I’ve had a horrible evening of overwhelming thoughts and feelings of doom and wanting to unalive myself. I don’t have any means of unaliving myself in this house because the staff keep all medication and objects I could possibly use to try and end things locked away so instead I felt trapped and started unhingedly sobbing down the phone to my parents (I don’t feel like I can talk to the staff here, they talk to me like I’m an idiot and recently when I’ve broken down after trying to hold things together for too long I’ve discovered they get angry with me and shout and it’s horrible). My parents convinced me to phone Samaritans. Consequently I’m trying to think of hopeful things that are coming up and that I will miss if I cease to be.
In mid July I have an ecology field course I got a scholarship for. I was meant to go last year but was in treatment. I’m grateful they held my place.
Although nothing’s been actually organised yet (I’m waiting on a meeting to be scheduled) one of my university lecturers has asked me if I’ll volunteer at the zoology museum by producing scientific illustrations. I’ve been feeling really hopeless and scared about whether I’ll ever be in a position to study again after two attempts at uni that ended in breakdowns and hospital (or was it just life in general because I’ve had breakdowns and relapses and ended up in inpatient/day patient care every year for the past 8 years regardless of whether or not I’ve been studying?) and being scared that all the psychotropic drugs, trauma and self harm has permanently eroded my brain. The Samaritans lady said even if I don’t end up able to do a degree maybe this will be a step forward as museum work is what I think I want to do with my life anyway.
I will see the cats on Saturday (and hopefully cuddle them)!
I plan to sing Choral Evensong again on Sunday (I don’t actually know what my religious views are, I guess I’m agnostic but for some reason I love Evensong and I’ve been a chorister since I was 7. I’m glad to have gone back to choir recently).
Today I ordered a Jellycat I’ve been eyeing up for approximately two months and I’m looking forward to that arriving. I worry it’s potentially childish and materialistic but oh well, I’m still looking forward to it.
The pain clinic referral from the hospital didn’t go through. This isn’t good and hit me hard when I found out but in case I can’t get anywhere on the NHS a private clinic have said they’ll see me (I’m grateful for my parents saying they’ll help with the cost). Perhaps there is a tiny bit of hope for the chronic pain side of things after all.
I literally just found out that having done the screening test I will be referred for an ADHD assessment.
I’ve just started being monitored as part of a study into sleep in autistic people. I have to wear a monitor, document day-to-day things and will get a report of my sleep quality at the end which I am curious about. (I don’t want to get a smart watch to do this because I don’t think having the option to measure certain other things like steps and calories will be good for my ED/obsessive brain). I will try and hold on to see what the outcome of that is. And contributing to research is always a good thing so I should try and complete the period of study.
#personal#thoughts#mental health#not-so-daily positives#samaritans#depression#university worries#chronic pain#supported accommodation#difficult day#trying my best to get through the night
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
#it's me i'm the wind blowing#y'all things are a little more complicated when it comes to these two#(sits down and takes a sip from my dark blue coffee mug)#(thinks: i wish i had springtrap coffee mug)#so...#both of them have difficult pasts#both are parents trying their best on raising their children#THE THING IS#one can't let herself get too attached#while the other is still afraid all humans are the same#but at the same time. they just want to find peace and happiness#and they've found it at home#they found happiness living those very brief and mundane moments#like waking up every morning#having breakfast next to people that make you smile#making your way to school/work and seeing sunlight pass through the trees#and going home after a tough day and there are rain clouds approaching. you just know you're going to sleep well at night#this is how they heal. and in the mean time. let themselves open up to each other#I have a feeling this is gonna be a slow burn kinda thing#COUGHING REALLY HARD#ENDING THIS RIGHT HERE OKAY BYE#starbstalks#springdad au
604 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#I've read some of you talking about your irls reaching out#Positive and negative thinga#And I'm... In the middle#I haven't hidden my love for 1D since it took over my life 3 years ago#So the people that know me know this about me#Granted they probably know more about Louis but still#One of my closest friends was a bit insensitive at first and I just couldn't reply#She then sort of came through and has been checking in#I don't think she realized how much it mattered to me#Then I told my best friend who's still back home#I also don't think she understood how important they are to me#She hasn't checked in again but she has sooo much shit on her plate that I don't even blame her although it still... A little bit#But I'm also like trying not to think they actually knew how seriously important these bois are to me#Anyway. Another friend... I saw him right after I found so I was still very much in shock and he knows about them and my deep connection#Saw him the next day he hugged me and asked me how I was and this was after the shock wore off and I had cried all night#I almost broke down again... But he hasn't checked in again and I'm a bit sad about it#Someone I met briefly in the summer and got to talking about the bois reached out and asked and I was glad they did#My sister has been checking in which has been very nice#Again... Idk... I don't need them to understand or be all over me asking or anything#It's just... Yeah.#And it just reinforces my gratitude for this space and the friends I've made the past couple of years#I have no idea where I'd be if I didn't have this and you all#But then again... The biggest reason I'm still in this community is the people I've met#So of course I would always have you here#Understanding something that outsiders could never#It's like trying to explain why Louis is so important to me... If you don't feel you won't get it#Rambles ramble#My eyes hurt
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
they make me unreasonably ill in my brain i can't even articulate it
#crow.txt#snippets#hsr#gallahill#i only really Just got to penacony.. its fun. im trying to go through it quickly so i can get to where boothills trace materials are#when i do its gonna be so over for everyone boy fucking howdy djwjjtjs#im trying my best to power through at least up to the end of in our time before i leave town for a week. im kinda almost there.. eh#we'll see. we grind#shoutout to gallagher for pretty much 1v1ing yanqings last phase in simulated universe last night. what the fuck dude. still not over that#not sfw
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
being mentally ill is so cool
#i cried the entire night because i felt unloved and abandoned while literally sleeping in the same room as two of my friends#who i have been hanging out with for the last 3 days#and i am full aware i am being looked after and cared about but currently i want to do nothing other than lay in bed and think about kms#and scratched the shit out of my neck somehow#it feels like a personal slight agaknst me whenever i dont get the right kind of attention and like everything is#sending me into a more depressed mood#and i dont want to bring anything up bc i dont want to kill the vibe so im trying to bottle it up but i know once i get home#i am gping to have a massive meltdown#and im thinking about how to prevent myself from launching myself from one end of the spectrum of 'best friends' to#'i never want to fucking hear about them again'#through no fault of theor own but holy shit im lkke going through it#i want to be held and cry and be told no im not an unlovable freak whos only at best second place or worse to everyone and everything else#bc currently sure feeling like absolute shit that is making me genuinely suicidal idk how to stress how fucking much i hate myself rn#sorry for posting it here i dont want them to see it if i put it somewhere else 👍
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
and the fact that mulder cries a lot makes me want to cuddle him forever 😭😭
everything is so hard for him all of the time!! i love him.
#i love that he cries on screen so much#it means so much in terms of characterization of male heroes that i'm too tired to get into right now#but i also think of when my friend ali talked about how like...what a show of vulnerability it is#in those moments he isn't the invincible protagonist who always charges forward and always makes it out#he's traumatized and he's SENSITIVE and things do not come easy to him. he's afraid. he's lonely.#that ending shot of reduxes just knocks me breathless every time because that IS what it feels like.#that IS what success or barely making it through or 'the best news ever' feels like sometimes#earlier in the ep when he comes to scully's room and she's asleep and he just SOBS next to her. trying to muffle his cries in his hand#so he doesnt wake her. and the next day he's like :) oh i stopped by last night :) didn't want to disturb you :)#it's like actually haunting. and there is no part of THAT that is a heroic crusader.#when everything is 'okay' in the end and everyone is in the room RIGHT BEHIND HIM celebrating and he cries again...god.#it's like the tags i referenced yesterday talked about. it just all hits him at the same time.#there is never any respite on this show even when there's a miracle
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
I feel like I've said this quite a lot the last few months, but as far as anyone in my past is concerned, I'm a whole new ass person. I'm happy and have found myself in the best way possible and, for some reason, that infuriates the toxic people who have long since left my life.
#jace noises#this is purely personal and im sorry#i try to keep it positive on my blog but i went through the ringer last night i swear#I'm good though#I've just said this to many people#i hit a certain point pre covid where i no longer gave a fuck how people saw me anymore#not in a bad way#i always do my best to make sure its safe spaces for people#i spend a lot of my time advocating for mental health#especially in queer spaces#because no one deserves to feel the same pain and struggles i had you know?#tldr i just know who i am as a person#and what my values are with healthy boundaries attached#and recently its ruffled the feathers of people who can't control me#im too headstrong#im never going to change who i am because it doesn't someone's views ever again#and ultimately if you are reading these tags#whether a stranger or a moot or whoever#neither should you. within reason of course#don't be scummy#before anyone gets concerned#i am truly okay
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m still sick and unsure of what the coming weeks are going to look like 😵💫 I don’t like waiting around for this to play out I wish my body would just do whatever it is it’s gonna do and get it over with in one fell swoop
#I had another tough night last night. this is so tiring I don’t want to deal with any of it#I don’t like teetering on the edge of things#I’ve been resting as much as I can during the lulls#even if I want this to be over with it’s good that I’m not in constant pain and there are breaks from it#we’re just waiting for it to play out basically#hoping for the best and that I can manage to get through this without a stay in the hospital or surgery#we’re trying to plan for every scenario if I do end up in the hospital again 😵💫#I’m having a hard time trying not to stress#they’re passing me through my appointments pretty quickly at least. I’m gonna have scans done soon#bria.txt
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
randomly looked at this account to update my age and holy shit it's been a while since i posted here..........i have a small pile of art i have yet to post but hbhbshdbshbd too lazy
#part of it is that i haven't posted any of my recent art but in addition#i haven't made new art in a WHILE (abt 3 months) which is highly unusual for me but the reason for that is#3 months ago i suddenly remembered that i tried learning mandarin for three (3) days before forgetting about it for 9 months#(amusingly the reason why is not because of danmei......i did not even know danmei existed when i first decided to learn it)#anyways i have been insanely fixated on learning it for the past 3 months#however since art is primarily a way for me to process my interests and that only really be done when i'm fixated on media........well#let's just say i have not been making art at all#that might change soon tho#rn i'm reading 撒野 (saye) in chinese bc it's at a level i can read and i fucking love it so far#idk why i picked a book longer than svsss (which took me a week to read in english)...u would think there's no chance of me finishing it#or even reading it#especially when the only novel i've read before this is a chinese translation of the fucking magic finger by roald dahl LMFAO#but it's been a week and i'm a fifth of the way into it which i was not expecting at all#it was initially an exercise of “i will get as far as i can and try my best to read a chapter a day” but i've been zipping through chapters#last night i was up until 3 AM reading it and i was so tempted to read more but had to stop myself#of course this is all aided by pleco which lets me quickly look up words that i don't know yet. pleco ily#that being said...this all does mean i know words like 收銀台 before i even know the word for “orange” (the color) which is pretty funny#but idk considering that the sum of my time spent learning chinese is just 3 months..........i think i am doing pretty damn good#i thought it would be a LOT longer before i could finally start enjoying some interesting things#god but it really has been a while since i last read a high school romance...but i am quite fond of the leads and their respective baggage#sorry for the whole tag ramble.........i haven't really had anyone to talk abt this stuff with#oh also it's my birthday#that is why i am even here to update my age in the first place#happy lan wangji birthday#actually the only reason i realized it was gonna be my birthday soon is because i saw chinese artists posting lan wangji birthday fanart#and then remembered that we share the same birthday#also re: the art i haven't posted yet.........a good chunk of it is misvil fanart...song qingshi my beloved#and there's also a luo binghe drawn on an art app i PROGRAMMED MYSELF (!!!!!!!!!) in there#actually that piece is the main reason i haven't posted the art i HAVE made. how the fuck do i explain that i drew it on an app that i made#sorry this is genuinely the most off the rails tag ramble i've ever done. okay i'm done
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub
#life is ridiculous and I'm its biggest clown#in my defense it's not even 9 am and I woke up at 6 for some reason (the reason prob being that I start work at 6 atm)#so I chose (violence) reading Stray Gods fic in bed for a few hours followed by the need to just vibe in the bathtub#I've only just had my coffee and a slice of cold pizza leftover from yesterday and it's such a uni-days thing to do#I've kinda missed it. tho I wasn't drinking coffee back then (how the fuck did I survive mornings without it??)#anyway. feeling very soft and tender abt my past self today. I miss her even if she was just as much of a mess. in different ways#the kind of mess who would openly flirt with some strange dude she didn't really know over the phone#the kind of mess who moved across the country just for a chance at trying with sb she liked who really never wanted to date her#the kind of mess who's always fallen for her best friends and who'll likely never stop#the kind of mess who feel so damn hard for a woman 15 yrs older than her just bc she was kind and sweet and a mess herself#the kind of mess who moved in with a friend she was solidly in love with for a bit who had her boyfriend over most nights#just.. it's not all about those feelings but they're decidedly a big part of why I've ever done anything#and I will prob always miss the friend who'd lie on the train platform with me just giggling into the night as ppl walked past#her head on my stomach and me just feeling so high it felt like I'd never stop floating (just for a while though)#I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that Mi miss just letting my feelings take me places even at the risk of losing it all#I'm so much more hesitant and guarded now. and sure part of it is being medicated for my bipolar. it's good that I don't call strangers#and almost invited them over. or that I no longer walk barefoot through the city at night by myself (usually)#but I do miss just idk. intimacy I guess. and how easily it used to come to me to just try and be open abt wanting it I guess#oh well. best be getting out of the bathtub. it's not a good place to be with these thoughts. and it's too early for this anyway#a day in the life of..
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
im gonna be so brave about these shipping slips i need to print
IM GONNA BE SOOOOOOO BRAVE
#i just have the anxiety that i'll fuck something else up with these too and waste even more of my time and limited resources and spoons#im trying my best. im trying#i need to print. a lot of these#and if one fails then they all fail and im not ready for that#..maybe i should just send one first and see if it gets through so i know im doing something right..#i hate everything but iM GONNA BE SO BRAVE#please send hugs#night is an absolute mess on main
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself
#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy#a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE#i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing#and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think#that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it#because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick#i feel underconfident in writing any of them#and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first#started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min#but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast#in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore#and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new#themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter#if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life#and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep#all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters#most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head#and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously#so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use#it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD#to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely#adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12#they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot#if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright#i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't#and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri#and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300#i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
vent in tags dont mind me ✌️
#im so angry at myself cause like why do i bother trying to be in good terms w this person.#like sure shes my brother best friend or whatever but she sa'd me. like wtf.#i went through a time where i tried to avoid her as much as possible but now i just...let it happen whenever she comes#like why tf do i do that. why is that my response now. to just sweep it under the rug.#i know that if i told my mom all hell would break lose cause something like that happened to her as well when she was young#the exact same age i was when it happened to me#and the worst part is how she changed my perception of myself#i identified as a trans guy back then and she is a lesbian. so my entire identity was stepped on#so i felt a repulse to wear masculine clothes for a good while#but femenine clothes felt horrible as well cause i knew they were what she was into#so i got lost in a stupid ass identity crisis bc of her#i wanna fall in love and be intimate but all i can think about is her doing that shit to me when i was 15#and she gets to have a girlfriend now and have a job and be best friends with my brother still and live like nothing happened that night#im angry angry angry angry
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much#im also just really snappy sometimes#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed#personal rambles#vent tag
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
how to explain that I feel paranoid that a longtime mutual unfollowed and may have vagued about me but I can't know for sure, without coming across as though I have Le Victim Complex, because there is a history of mutuals doing that
also how to explain that I've been feeling worthless recently, and trying to grapple with the fact that people seem to think every post I make is me trying to start shit when I'm not
also how to explain that even though I don't want to be angry, I've been suffering some pretty bad mood swings lately and inclined to isolate because of it
#I mean. I never wanted to mince words before but I'm starting to think maybe I should try#or just post less I suppose. that might improve the mood in the space#idk#I feel kinda bad for not wishing people happy holidays but I honestly wasn't up for it#due to an entire night of throwing up so bad I wanted to die#and... mom stuff#and just... all this mental health fuckery#if the mutual is vagueing about me then I'm sorry#I probably do need therapy but I can't afford it#I'm just trying to get through the day as best I can#but if I'm like. harming people with my words then I probably need to isolate so as to reduce the harm
3 notes
·
View notes