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try-and-try-and-try-again · 7 months ago

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26.06.24

I was on the phone to a lady from Samaritans. I’ve had a horrible evening of overwhelming thoughts and feelings of doom and wanting to unalive myself. I don’t have any means of unaliving myself in this house because the staff keep all medication and objects I could possibly use to try and end things locked away so instead I felt trapped and started unhingedly sobbing down the phone to my parents (I don’t feel like I can talk to the staff here, they talk to me like I’m an idiot and recently when I’ve broken down after trying to hold things together for too long I’ve discovered they get angry with me and shout and it’s horrible). My parents convinced me to phone Samaritans. Consequently I’m trying to think of hopeful things that are coming up and that I will miss if I cease to be.

In mid July I have an ecology field course I got a scholarship for. I was meant to go last year but was in treatment. I’m grateful they held my place.

Although nothing’s been actually organised yet (I’m waiting on a meeting to be scheduled) one of my university lecturers has asked me if I’ll volunteer at the zoology museum by producing scientific illustrations. I’ve been feeling really hopeless and scared about whether I’ll ever be in a position to study again after two attempts at uni that ended in breakdowns and hospital (or was it just life in general because I’ve had breakdowns and relapses and ended up in inpatient/day patient care every year for the past 8 years regardless of whether or not I’ve been studying?) and being scared that all the psychotropic drugs, trauma and self harm has permanently eroded my brain. The Samaritans lady said even if I don’t end up able to do a degree maybe this will be a step forward as museum work is what I think I want to do with my life anyway.

I will see the cats on Saturday (and hopefully cuddle them)!

I plan to sing Choral Evensong again on Sunday (I don’t actually know what my religious views are, I guess I’m agnostic but for some reason I love Evensong and I’ve been a chorister since I was 7. I’m glad to have gone back to choir recently).

Today I ordered a Jellycat I’ve been eyeing up for approximately two months and I’m looking forward to that arriving. I worry it’s potentially childish and materialistic but oh well, I’m still looking forward to it.

The pain clinic referral from the hospital didn’t go through. This isn’t good and hit me hard when I found out but in case I can’t get anywhere on the NHS a private clinic have said they’ll see me (I’m grateful for my parents saying they’ll help with the cost). Perhaps there is a tiny bit of hope for the chronic pain side of things after all.

I literally just found out that having done the screening test I will be referred for an ADHD assessment.

I’ve just started being monitored as part of a study into sleep in autistic people. I have to wear a monitor, document day-to-day things and will get a report of my sleep quality at the end which I am curious about. (I don’t want to get a smart watch to do this because I don’t think having the option to measure certain other things like steps and calories will be good for my ED/obsessive brain). I will try and hold on to see what the outcome of that is. And contributing to research is always a good thing so I should try and complete the period of study.

#personal #thoughts #mental health #not-so-daily positives #samaritans #depression #university worries #chronic pain #supported accommodation #difficult day #trying my best to get through the night

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skeletoninthemelonland · 2 years ago

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#it's me i'm the wind blowing #y'all things are a little more complicated when it comes to these two #(sits down and takes a sip from my dark blue coffee mug)#(thinks: i wish i had springtrap coffee mug)#so...#both of them have difficult pasts #both are parents trying their best on raising their children #THE THING IS #one can't let herself get too attached #while the other is still afraid all humans are the same #but at the same time. they just want to find peace and happiness #and they've found it at home #they found happiness living those very brief and mundane moments #like waking up every morning #having breakfast next to people that make you smile #making your way to school/work and seeing sunlight pass through the trees #and going home after a tough day and there are rain clouds approaching. you just know you're going to sleep well at night #this is how they heal. and in the mean time. let themselves open up to each other #I have a feeling this is gonna be a slow burn kinda thing #COUGHING REALLY HARD #ENDING THIS RIGHT HERE OKAY BYE #starbstalks #springdad au

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deadandwalking · 20 days ago

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actually sobbing rn i just found out Stephen’s partner found out what i said AND THEY’RE ON MY SIDE. THEY KNOW HOW I WAS FEELING THEY UNDERSTOOD ME. RORO WAS A LYING SACK OF FUCKING SHIT IT WAS THE BPD. IT WAS I WAS RIGHT I WAS FUCKING RIGHT I WAS THE ONE ABANDONED AGAIN IT WAS NICCOLÓ’S FUCKING FAULT HE LEFT ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM

#tw vent #tw caps #yall do not understand what this means to me #within a month i lost two fucking fps and they meant EVERYTHING to me #i was trying to be normal around Niccoló but i opened up to my best friend who allegedly also had BPD and he showed Niccoló EVERYTHING #i lost everyone that night and i just had to move on??#also not that long after my ex/friend decided to block me because apparently keeping me around was hurtful #like?? IT WAS HURTING ME TOO???? I WAS TRYING TO GET BETTER FOR YOU #this prick — who left me when i was going through a whole ass breakdown — decided he just didn’t want to give me time to get better #like i know i did things wrong too but. SIR.

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forgetme-eternally-blissfully · 25 days ago

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Trying to finally finish catching up on Return of the Mount Hua Sect, and it is very hard to jump into the novel once you get past a certain chapter threshold just from the sheer amount of characters you've now forgotten abt. Idk who these ppl are!!!!

#but at least I've found the spot I left off on #chapters 565ish #so uhhh I'll do my best to read up to 650 by tomorrow night?#I think 100 chapters is reasonable for a days worth of reading #well it rlly depends on when I wake up #and how fast I try to get through it #and if I fully commit to it #ugghhhhhhhhh I love this novel but damn it there's a lot of chapters #I went through Lout of the Counts Family and Omniscient Readers Viewpoint both in pretty much one go #but I've reread the first 500 chapters of ROTMHS several times and I keep hitting a road block #pain #I can't leave it unfinished #not when I'm too scared to read fanfic cuz of potential spoilers #rotmhs #rotbb #return of the mount hua sect #return of the blossoming blade

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benoitblanc · 1 day ago

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heavy sigh. siri queue landslide by fleetwood mac

#in case anyone is wondering how it's going in the life of arwen: my best friend group is six people #me flatmate (who is my best friend) and two couples (third and fourth flatmates and their partners)#flatmate and i have kind of been fighting off and on for a few weeks. nothing major but our relationship is definitely changing #and i think it's scaring us both a little (or at least it's scaring me) so we're more prickly with each other than normal #but i guess fighting is an unfair way to put it. we're not really fighting. but i really really really miss not doing it #cut to monday night fourth flatmate and her girlfriend split after 3.5 years after girlfriend very clearly fucked up #but in a way where she could've still saved the relationship yet decided it wasn't worth the effort #fourth flatmate is understandably a WRECK #so the rest of us are all trying to be as supportive as we possibly can but it's just. really blindsiding #because it means that not only did girlfriend decide her relationship with fourth flatmate wasn't worth salvaging #WHICH MIND YOU IS BAD ENOUGH #but also that her relationships with the other FOUR of us weren't worth salvaging. third flatmate was her best friend for THREE YEARS #she would come over and make popcorn and watch doctor who with flatmate and me like once a week. that's over #she'd go to the bar with third flatmate's boyfriend because the rest of us don't really drink. also over #and flatmate third flatmate and i feel kind of guilty expressing the fact that we're also grieving one of our best friends #because obviously what fourth flatmate is going through is much worse #i also have an interview in two days on the other side of the country that has the potential to completely change my life #and i don't think i've ever wanted anything this much and it's suffocating. and it will mean leaving flatmate. and i love him #but i need to get into this program i need to i need to #also i'm on my period. yee fuckin haw #anyway how are the rest of us doing #arwen.text

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theirloveisgross · 3 months ago

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#I've read some of you talking about your irls reaching out #Positive and negative thinga #And I'm... In the middle #I haven't hidden my love for 1D since it took over my life 3 years ago #So the people that know me know this about me #Granted they probably know more about Louis but still #One of my closest friends was a bit insensitive at first and I just couldn't reply #She then sort of came through and has been checking in #I don't think she realized how much it mattered to me #Then I told my best friend who's still back home #I also don't think she understood how important they are to me #She hasn't checked in again but she has sooo much shit on her plate that I don't even blame her although it still... A little bit #But I'm also like trying not to think they actually knew how seriously important these bois are to me #Anyway. Another friend... I saw him right after I found so I was still very much in shock and he knows about them and my deep connection #Saw him the next day he hugged me and asked me how I was and this was after the shock wore off and I had cried all night #I almost broke down again... But he hasn't checked in again and I'm a bit sad about it #Someone I met briefly in the summer and got to talking about the bois reached out and asked and I was glad they did #My sister has been checking in which has been very nice #Again... Idk... I don't need them to understand or be all over me asking or anything #It's just... Yeah.#And it just reinforces my gratitude for this space and the friends I've made the past couple of years #I have no idea where I'd be if I didn't have this and you all #But then again... The biggest reason I'm still in this community is the people I've met #So of course I would always have you here #Understanding something that outsiders could never #It's like trying to explain why Louis is so important to me... If you don't feel you won't get it #Rambles ramble #My eyes hurt

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crimsongrimoire · 7 months ago

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they make me unreasonably ill in my brain i can't even articulate it

#crow.txt #snippets #hsr #gallahill #i only really Just got to penacony.. its fun. im trying to go through it quickly so i can get to where boothills trace materials are #when i do its gonna be so over for everyone boy fucking howdy djwjjtjs #im trying my best to power through at least up to the end of in our time before i leave town for a week. im kinda almost there.. eh #we'll see. we grind #shoutout to gallagher for pretty much 1v1ing yanqings last phase in simulated universe last night. what the fuck dude. still not over that #not sfw

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sodaf · 6 months ago

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being mentally ill is so cool

#i cried the entire night because i felt unloved and abandoned while literally sleeping in the same room as two of my friends #who i have been hanging out with for the last 3 days #and i am full aware i am being looked after and cared about but currently i want to do nothing other than lay in bed and think about kms #and scratched the shit out of my neck somehow #it feels like a personal slight agaknst me whenever i dont get the right kind of attention and like everything is #sending me into a more depressed mood #and i dont want to bring anything up bc i dont want to kill the vibe so im trying to bottle it up but i know once i get home #i am gping to have a massive meltdown #and im thinking about how to prevent myself from launching myself from one end of the spectrum of 'best friends' to #'i never want to fucking hear about them again'#through no fault of theor own but holy shit im lkke going through it #i want to be held and cry and be told no im not an unlovable freak whos only at best second place or worse to everyone and everything else #bc currently sure feeling like absolute shit that is making me genuinely suicidal idk how to stress how fucking much i hate myself rn #sorry for posting it here i dont want them to see it if i put it somewhere else 👍

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neverendingford · 2 months ago

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#was gonna pierce my lip but I realized I lost all the caps to my barbell piercings and I didn't even realize. I'm so fuckin mad #now I have to get more #idk if I can just get the screw on heads. idk what mm size they are #anyway. bone broth is successful. it's been slow cooking all day and looks and smells good. it's gonna make for hella nutritious soup base.#also I've been hunting down Spanish vocab audio because that's how I learn best.#listening to more language transfer and adding music to my Spanish playlist.#still definitely not conversational but my comprehension is going up quite a bit.#I had a grumpy Russian man come through my lane today and the desire to communicate better was so strong.#I just wanna learn all the languages.#I just need to find more resources that work for my brain.#I have a Spanish vocab book and I hardly touch it. duolingo sucks for me. I hate Rosetta Stone.#but there's resources out on the internet I just have to find them and use them.#there's a few good ones on Spotify I've found. as much as I hate Spotify conceptually for music artists it's still a resource I can use.#as much as I don't wanna apply for new jobs I don't wanna work in the same place next year when we move.#I still really wanna try food service. my speech has gotten way better and my stutter is almost never present #so job interviews should be way easier to pull off. I hope. I really hope.#I really wanna get back into nursing but idk if we're moving early enough for me to get into a cna certification class for spring semester.#I really should email the local community college and find out if I can pull off a late start or jump into a class already partway through.#I could look that up right now actually. find out when classes start there and how much I would be missing.#because I've passed the certification before it shouldn't be hard to jump in partway through I think.#hah. I'm so competent. I just looked up the information right now. there's an adult education center where I'm moving that offers the course #but not until halfway through spring.#so I could work food service for the spring and then switch to cna after.#I'm medicated so it's entirely possible and feasible. I have the ability.#hmmm. if I'm going into nursing maybe I should reconsider the lip piercing? hmmmm.#I can just let it heal over if it's an issue.#plenty of time between now and then.#anyway I'm going to bed good night.#well. maybe going to bed.

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carefulfears · 1 year ago

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and the fact that mulder cries a lot makes me want to cuddle him forever 😭😭

everything is so hard for him all of the time!! i love him.

#i love that he cries on screen so much #it means so much in terms of characterization of male heroes that i'm too tired to get into right now #but i also think of when my friend ali talked about how like...what a show of vulnerability it is #in those moments he isn't the invincible protagonist who always charges forward and always makes it out #he's traumatized and he's SENSITIVE and things do not come easy to him. he's afraid. he's lonely.#that ending shot of reduxes just knocks me breathless every time because that IS what it feels like.#that IS what success or barely making it through or 'the best news ever' feels like sometimes #earlier in the ep when he comes to scully's room and she's asleep and he just SOBS next to her. trying to muffle his cries in his hand #so he doesnt wake her. and the next day he's like :) oh i stopped by last night :) didn't want to disturb you :)#it's like actually haunting. and there is no part of THAT that is a heroic crusader.#when everything is 'okay' in the end and everyone is in the room RIGHT BEHIND HIM celebrating and he cries again...god.#it's like the tags i referenced yesterday talked about. it just all hits him at the same time.#there is never any respite on this show even when there's a miracle

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thealphabard · 3 months ago

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I feel like I've said this quite a lot the last few months, but as far as anyone in my past is concerned, I'm a whole new ass person. I'm happy and have found myself in the best way possible and, for some reason, that infuriates the toxic people who have long since left my life.

#jace noises #this is purely personal and im sorry #i try to keep it positive on my blog but i went through the ringer last night i swear #I'm good though #I've just said this to many people #i hit a certain point pre covid where i no longer gave a fuck how people saw me anymore #not in a bad way #i always do my best to make sure its safe spaces for people #i spend a lot of my time advocating for mental health #especially in queer spaces #because no one deserves to feel the same pain and struggles i had you know?#tldr i just know who i am as a person #and what my values are with healthy boundaries attached #and recently its ruffled the feathers of people who can't control me #im too headstrong #im never going to change who i am because it doesn't someone's views ever again #and ultimately if you are reading these tags #whether a stranger or a moot or whoever #neither should you. within reason of course #don't be scummy #before anyone gets concerned #i am truly okay

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flitterywings · 3 months ago

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I’m still sick and unsure of what the coming weeks are going to look like 😵‍💫 I don’t like waiting around for this to play out I wish my body would just do whatever it is it’s gonna do and get it over with in one fell swoop

#I had another tough night last night. this is so tiring I don’t want to deal with any of it #I don’t like teetering on the edge of things #I’ve been resting as much as I can during the lulls #even if I want this to be over with it’s good that I’m not in constant pain and there are breaks from it #we’re just waiting for it to play out basically #hoping for the best and that I can manage to get through this without a stay in the hospital or surgery #we’re trying to plan for every scenario if I do end up in the hospital again 😵‍💫#I’m having a hard time trying not to stress #they’re passing me through my appointments pretty quickly at least. I’m gonna have scans done soon #bria.txt

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hexcitrine · 1 year ago

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randomly looked at this account to update my age and holy shit it's been a while since i posted here..........i have a small pile of art i have yet to post but hbhbshdbshbd too lazy

#part of it is that i haven't posted any of my recent art but in addition #i haven't made new art in a WHILE (abt 3 months) which is highly unusual for me but the reason for that is #3 months ago i suddenly remembered that i tried learning mandarin for three (3) days before forgetting about it for 9 months #(amusingly the reason why is not because of danmei......i did not even know danmei existed when i first decided to learn it)#anyways i have been insanely fixated on learning it for the past 3 months #however since art is primarily a way for me to process my interests and that only really be done when i'm fixated on media........well #let's just say i have not been making art at all #that might change soon tho #rn i'm reading 撒野 (saye) in chinese bc it's at a level i can read and i fucking love it so far #idk why i picked a book longer than svsss (which took me a week to read in english)...u would think there's no chance of me finishing it #or even reading it #especially when the only novel i've read before this is a chinese translation of the fucking magic finger by roald dahl LMFAO #but it's been a week and i'm a fifth of the way into it which i was not expecting at all #it was initially an exercise of “i will get as far as i can and try my best to read a chapter a day” but i've been zipping through chapters #last night i was up until 3 AM reading it and i was so tempted to read more but had to stop myself #of course this is all aided by pleco which lets me quickly look up words that i don't know yet. pleco ily #that being said...this all does mean i know words like 收銀台 before i even know the word for “orange” (the color) which is pretty funny #but idk considering that the sum of my time spent learning chinese is just 3 months..........i think i am doing pretty damn good #i thought it would be a LOT longer before i could finally start enjoying some interesting things #god but it really has been a while since i last read a high school romance...but i am quite fond of the leads and their respective baggage #sorry for the whole tag ramble.........i haven't really had anyone to talk abt this stuff with #oh also it's my birthday #that is why i am even here to update my age in the first place #happy lan wangji birthday #actually the only reason i realized it was gonna be my birthday soon is because i saw chinese artists posting lan wangji birthday fanart #and then remembered that we share the same birthday #also re: the art i haven't posted yet.........a good chunk of it is misvil fanart...song qingshi my beloved #and there's also a luo binghe drawn on an art app i PROGRAMMED MYSELF (!!!!!!!!!) in there #actually that piece is the main reason i haven't posted the art i HAVE made. how the fuck do i explain that i drew it on an app that i made #sorry this is genuinely the most off the rails tag ramble i've ever done. okay i'm done

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loumauve · 4 months ago

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the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub

#life is ridiculous and I'm its biggest clown #in my defense it's not even 9 am and I woke up at 6 for some reason (the reason prob being that I start work at 6 atm)#so I chose (violence) reading Stray Gods fic in bed for a few hours followed by the need to just vibe in the bathtub #I've only just had my coffee and a slice of cold pizza leftover from yesterday and it's such a uni-days thing to do #I've kinda missed it. tho I wasn't drinking coffee back then (how the fuck did I survive mornings without it??)#anyway. feeling very soft and tender abt my past self today. I miss her even if she was just as much of a mess. in different ways #the kind of mess who would openly flirt with some strange dude she didn't really know over the phone #the kind of mess who moved across the country just for a chance at trying with sb she liked who really never wanted to date her #the kind of mess who's always fallen for her best friends and who'll likely never stop #the kind of mess who feel so damn hard for a woman 15 yrs older than her just bc she was kind and sweet and a mess herself #the kind of mess who moved in with a friend she was solidly in love with for a bit who had her boyfriend over most nights #just.. it's not all about those feelings but they're decidedly a big part of why I've ever done anything #and I will prob always miss the friend who'd lie on the train platform with me just giggling into the night as ppl walked past #her head on my stomach and me just feeling so high it felt like I'd never stop floating (just for a while though)#I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that Mi miss just letting my feelings take me places even at the risk of losing it all #I'm so much more hesitant and guarded now. and sure part of it is being medicated for my bipolar. it's good that I don't call strangers #and almost invited them over. or that I no longer walk barefoot through the city at night by myself (usually)#but I do miss just idk. intimacy I guess. and how easily it used to come to me to just try and be open abt wanting it I guess #oh well. best be getting out of the bathtub. it's not a good place to be with these thoughts. and it's too early for this anyway #a day in the life of..

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the-kipsabian · 6 months ago

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im gonna be so brave about these shipping slips i need to print

IM GONNA BE SOOOOOOO BRAVE

#i just have the anxiety that i'll fuck something else up with these too and waste even more of my time and limited resources and spoons #im trying my best. im trying #i need to print. a lot of these #and if one fails then they all fail and im not ready for that #..maybe i should just send one first and see if it gets through so i know im doing something right..#i hate everything but iM GONNA BE SO BRAVE #please send hugs #night is an absolute mess on main

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fingertipsmp3 · 7 months ago

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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself

#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy #a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE #i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing #and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think #that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it #because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick #i feel underconfident in writing any of them #and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first #started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min #but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast #in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore #and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new #themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter #if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life #and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep #all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters #most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head #and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously #so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use #it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD #to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely #adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12 #they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot #if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright #i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't #and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri #and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300 #i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot

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