#trying my best to get through the night
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26.06.24
I was on the phone to a lady from Samaritans. I’ve had a horrible evening of overwhelming thoughts and feelings of doom and wanting to unalive myself. I don’t have any means of unaliving myself in this house because the staff keep all medication and objects I could possibly use to try and end things locked away so instead I felt trapped and started unhingedly sobbing down the phone to my parents (I don’t feel like I can talk to the staff here, they talk to me like I’m an idiot and recently when I’ve broken down after trying to hold things together for too long I’ve discovered they get angry with me and shout and it’s horrible). My parents convinced me to phone Samaritans. Consequently I’m trying to think of hopeful things that are coming up and that I will miss if I cease to be.
In mid July I have an ecology field course I got a scholarship for. I was meant to go last year but was in treatment. I’m grateful they held my place.
Although nothing’s been actually organised yet (I’m waiting on a meeting to be scheduled) one of my university lecturers has asked me if I’ll volunteer at the zoology museum by producing scientific illustrations. I’ve been feeling really hopeless and scared about whether I’ll ever be in a position to study again after two attempts at uni that ended in breakdowns and hospital (or was it just life in general because I’ve had breakdowns and relapses and ended up in inpatient/day patient care every year for the past 8 years regardless of whether or not I’ve been studying?) and being scared that all the psychotropic drugs, trauma and self harm has permanently eroded my brain. The Samaritans lady said even if I don’t end up able to do a degree maybe this will be a step forward as museum work is what I think I want to do with my life anyway.
I will see the cats on Saturday (and hopefully cuddle them)!
I plan to sing Choral Evensong again on Sunday (I don’t actually know what my religious views are, I guess I’m agnostic but for some reason I love Evensong and I’ve been a chorister since I was 7. I’m glad to have gone back to choir recently).
Today I ordered a Jellycat I’ve been eyeing up for approximately two months and I’m looking forward to that arriving. I worry it’s potentially childish and materialistic but oh well, I’m still looking forward to it.
The pain clinic referral from the hospital didn’t go through. This isn’t good and hit me hard when I found out but in case I can’t get anywhere on the NHS a private clinic have said they’ll see me (I’m grateful for my parents saying they’ll help with the cost). Perhaps there is a tiny bit of hope for the chronic pain side of things after all.
I literally just found out that having done the screening test I will be referred for an ADHD assessment.
I’ve just started being monitored as part of a study into sleep in autistic people. I have to wear a monitor, document day-to-day things and will get a report of my sleep quality at the end which I am curious about. (I don’t want to get a smart watch to do this because I don’t think having the option to measure certain other things like steps and calories will be good for my ED/obsessive brain). I will try and hold on to see what the outcome of that is. And contributing to research is always a good thing so I should try and complete the period of study.
#personal#thoughts#mental health#not-so-daily positives#samaritans#depression#university worries#chronic pain#supported accommodation#difficult day#trying my best to get through the night
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Why bother? (Why bother?)
It's gonna hurt me. (It's gonna hurt me.)
It's gonna kill when- (Why bother!)
-You desert me! (Gonna hurt me!)
Set after Nightmare. Laios is reminiscing and contemplating.
#laishuro#laios touden#i make a lot of jokes on here since part of the fun of this blog for me is limiting myself to only expressing ideas via drawings#as much as I can to try to see what I can try to convey in the limited time I have to draw each day which is sometimes like 15minutes#but laios idea of who shuro was to him and who he continues to be and how it ties into his own feelings of self worth and self hatred#not to mention being so thoroughly defined by having never been indulged before by the men in his life#are so compelling to me#and then of course you mix in toshiros own mind prisons#and their established dynamic of him begrudgingly putting up with him because he feels he has to and bc hes cursed with obedience#whilst laios genuinely thinks shuro does it because he likes it and likes laios because why else would anyone act like that#when everyone else in his life has not hesitated to Let Him Know#this is what is so fun about relationships like this…forever passing by each other’s true feelings like ships in the night#and on toshiros side umineko said it best People are riddles. They want someone else to solve their riddle#they live life wanting someone to solve the riddle that they are#the most difficult riddle in the world#without love the truth cannot be seen sighhhh many such cases#sometimes i get embarassed how deep i get for some of the characters in this series it really is that deep sometimes but not always#but WHATEVER#i never even engaged in or was interested in shipping the several years i read dunmeshi EXCEPT laishuro lol#which i sadistically wanted to stay one sided and miserable forever. I rarely get fed such genuinely fraught dynamics as their one in manga#so i became obsessed#and walked through the desert alone for 40 years and then checked in as anime started airing that other people ship this and gaf#and decided to unleash the jokes and ideas that my like 2 friend who like anime previously suffered alone as though they were jesus christ#now tho as much as I still enjoy tragedy and pain and emotional suffering I’ve let love and peace and requited fulfilled yaoi into my life#with laishuro. and its great!#my comics
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#it's me i'm the wind blowing#y'all things are a little more complicated when it comes to these two#(sits down and takes a sip from my dark blue coffee mug)#(thinks: i wish i had springtrap coffee mug)#so...#both of them have difficult pasts#both are parents trying their best on raising their children#THE THING IS#one can't let herself get too attached#while the other is still afraid all humans are the same#but at the same time. they just want to find peace and happiness#and they've found it at home#they found happiness living those very brief and mundane moments#like waking up every morning#having breakfast next to people that make you smile#making your way to school/work and seeing sunlight pass through the trees#and going home after a tough day and there are rain clouds approaching. you just know you're going to sleep well at night#this is how they heal. and in the mean time. let themselves open up to each other#I have a feeling this is gonna be a slow burn kinda thing#COUGHING REALLY HARD#ENDING THIS RIGHT HERE OKAY BYE#starbstalks#springdad au
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guy whose childhood drags behind him like a dead body
#river dipping#simblr#ts4#ts4 edit#theodore doe#echthroi#i forgot to post this after sharing theo's birthday edit last night... listen i was so tired i just hit post and passed out#but so far today i've just been looking through character page themes for a bit and messing around with codes while watching dropout tv#i still need to get to my activity feed sometime today or tomorrow and then i want to set aside some time to just hang out on here#and catch up on things like i keep disappearing and missing out on posts jgkhjfnkh so i gotta do that...#but i'm actually fighting off the world's biggest nap rn..... my meds work really well but lord i'm still so tired all the time woof#so i'll probably end up caving soon lmao#but!!! anyway!! THEO!!! there was nothing i could do abt the proportions on theo as a kid like i couldn't make his head any smaller...#the sims team actually hate me so bad and are trying to force the huge cartoonishly big heads onto my sims </3#also when i aged him down to a kid like all of his presets were gone so i just had to try and replicate them to the best of my abilities#his lip preset actually has a much deeper cupid's bow but thanks to the liquify tool <33333 it looks like his regular preset#i've actually posted teen theo on here before but i've made a ton of changes to him since then so this version is pretty different compared#to the older version of him at sixteen#he's definitely got more baby fat than he did before like his cheeks are pretty round#um. also i have these closeups i took of adult theo from the pose i made for his birthday edit that i gotta edit a lil and then post!!!#bc you really didn't get to see his expression or the actual pose that well and EYEEEE personally am really in love with the details#of the pose itself like ugh.......... theo is so.......................... yeah.#holds him
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no more "fix-it fics". enough "everybody lives au". everybody DIES au. I could make it (canon) WORSE.
#this joke brought to you hilariously not by recent events but in fact rediscovering my old ffn fics from high school#they exist and are easily findable lol#and boyyyy have i not only really not change. but i have MELLOWED on the angst.#if you think my fics are rough now...#literally wrote MULTIPLE fics for a romance-oriented procedural where one or both of the leads died and someone else had to deal with that#hilarious. like. this was 'i know they're gonna get out of this tight spot canon left them in last episode. but what if they didn't. :3'#like say what you will about some of my sadder content but the characters aren't getting MURDERED#also went out of my way to write the cockblock rival LI sympathetically in one scenario#like this character was universally reviled. MEANT TO BE in fact. and several comments were just 'icb you made him impossible to hate'#me at all times: have you considered. this character is not evil. just trying their best and not favored by the narrative but like. fine.#and also do you want to talk about GRIEF?#would love to study my high school self like a bug. who was she. fuck if i remember lmfao#ANYWAY this is genuinely so funny#also damn ffn reviewers were brutal about update times lol#also were not shy about 'WOW this is so ooc' (they were wrong. to be clear. they were mad about a ship thing)#the writing was 'eh' but the specific aspect of the characterization they were mad about was not lol#but also uwu over some of the comments i was looking through last night#some of them were like 'wow someone said this about tiefling fic last week!'
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they make me unreasonably ill in my brain i can't even articulate it
#crow.txt#snippets#hsr#gallahill#i only really Just got to penacony.. its fun. im trying to go through it quickly so i can get to where boothills trace materials are#when i do its gonna be so over for everyone boy fucking howdy djwjjtjs#im trying my best to power through at least up to the end of in our time before i leave town for a week. im kinda almost there.. eh#we'll see. we grind#shoutout to gallagher for pretty much 1v1ing yanqings last phase in simulated universe last night. what the fuck dude. still not over that#not sfw
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and the fact that mulder cries a lot makes me want to cuddle him forever 😭😭
everything is so hard for him all of the time!! i love him.
#i love that he cries on screen so much#it means so much in terms of characterization of male heroes that i'm too tired to get into right now#but i also think of when my friend ali talked about how like...what a show of vulnerability it is#in those moments he isn't the invincible protagonist who always charges forward and always makes it out#he's traumatized and he's SENSITIVE and things do not come easy to him. he's afraid. he's lonely.#that ending shot of reduxes just knocks me breathless every time because that IS what it feels like.#that IS what success or barely making it through or 'the best news ever' feels like sometimes#earlier in the ep when he comes to scully's room and she's asleep and he just SOBS next to her. trying to muffle his cries in his hand#so he doesnt wake her. and the next day he's like :) oh i stopped by last night :) didn't want to disturb you :)#it's like actually haunting. and there is no part of THAT that is a heroic crusader.#when everything is 'okay' in the end and everyone is in the room RIGHT BEHIND HIM celebrating and he cries again...god.#it's like the tags i referenced yesterday talked about. it just all hits him at the same time.#there is never any respite on this show even when there's a miracle
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vent in tags dont mind me ✌️
#im so angry at myself cause like why do i bother trying to be in good terms w this person.#like sure shes my brother best friend or whatever but she sa'd me. like wtf.#i went through a time where i tried to avoid her as much as possible but now i just...let it happen whenever she comes#like why tf do i do that. why is that my response now. to just sweep it under the rug.#i know that if i told my mom all hell would break lose cause something like that happened to her as well when she was young#the exact same age i was when it happened to me#and the worst part is how she changed my perception of myself#i identified as a trans guy back then and she is a lesbian. so my entire identity was stepped on#so i felt a repulse to wear masculine clothes for a good while#but femenine clothes felt horrible as well cause i knew they were what she was into#so i got lost in a stupid ass identity crisis bc of her#i wanna fall in love and be intimate but all i can think about is her doing that shit to me when i was 15#and she gets to have a girlfriend now and have a job and be best friends with my brother still and live like nothing happened that night#im angry angry angry angry
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.
#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much#im also just really snappy sometimes#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed#personal rambles#vent tag
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how to explain that I feel paranoid that a longtime mutual unfollowed and may have vagued about me but I can't know for sure, without coming across as though I have Le Victim Complex, because there is a history of mutuals doing that
also how to explain that I've been feeling worthless recently, and trying to grapple with the fact that people seem to think every post I make is me trying to start shit when I'm not
also how to explain that even though I don't want to be angry, I've been suffering some pretty bad mood swings lately and inclined to isolate because of it
#I mean. I never wanted to mince words before but I'm starting to think maybe I should try#or just post less I suppose. that might improve the mood in the space#idk#I feel kinda bad for not wishing people happy holidays but I honestly wasn't up for it#due to an entire night of throwing up so bad I wanted to die#and... mom stuff#and just... all this mental health fuckery#if the mutual is vagueing about me then I'm sorry#I probably do need therapy but I can't afford it#I'm just trying to get through the day as best I can#but if I'm like. harming people with my words then I probably need to isolate so as to reduce the harm
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randomly looked at this account to update my age and holy shit it's been a while since i posted here..........i have a small pile of art i have yet to post but hbhbshdbshbd too lazy
#part of it is that i haven't posted any of my recent art but in addition#i haven't made new art in a WHILE (abt 3 months) which is highly unusual for me but the reason for that is#3 months ago i suddenly remembered that i tried learning mandarin for three (3) days before forgetting about it for 9 months#(amusingly the reason why is not because of danmei......i did not even know danmei existed when i first decided to learn it)#anyways i have been insanely fixated on learning it for the past 3 months#however since art is primarily a way for me to process my interests and that only really be done when i'm fixated on media........well#let's just say i have not been making art at all#that might change soon tho#rn i'm reading 撒野 (saye) in chinese bc it's at a level i can read and i fucking love it so far#idk why i picked a book longer than svsss (which took me a week to read in english)...u would think there's no chance of me finishing it#or even reading it#especially when the only novel i've read before this is a chinese translation of the fucking magic finger by roald dahl LMFAO#but it's been a week and i'm a fifth of the way into it which i was not expecting at all#it was initially an exercise of “i will get as far as i can and try my best to read a chapter a day” but i've been zipping through chapters#last night i was up until 3 AM reading it and i was so tempted to read more but had to stop myself#of course this is all aided by pleco which lets me quickly look up words that i don't know yet. pleco ily#that being said...this all does mean i know words like 收銀台 before i even know the word for “orange” (the color) which is pretty funny#but idk considering that the sum of my time spent learning chinese is just 3 months..........i think i am doing pretty damn good#i thought it would be a LOT longer before i could finally start enjoying some interesting things#god but it really has been a while since i last read a high school romance...but i am quite fond of the leads and their respective baggage#sorry for the whole tag ramble.........i haven't really had anyone to talk abt this stuff with#oh also it's my birthday#that is why i am even here to update my age in the first place#happy lan wangji birthday#actually the only reason i realized it was gonna be my birthday soon is because i saw chinese artists posting lan wangji birthday fanart#and then remembered that we share the same birthday#also re: the art i haven't posted yet.........a good chunk of it is misvil fanart...song qingshi my beloved#and there's also a luo binghe drawn on an art app i PROGRAMMED MYSELF (!!!!!!!!!) in there#actually that piece is the main reason i haven't posted the art i HAVE made. how the fuck do i explain that i drew it on an app that i made#sorry this is genuinely the most off the rails tag ramble i've ever done. okay i'm done
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I will feel so tired that it's like my atoms are coming undone and I'm being made unreal...and then I will have a little chocolate treat and for 15 minutes I am whole and present again. Then the horrors
#ramblings of a lunatic#i remember feeling like this at the peak of my burnout and fatigue before#(also the same burnout and fatigue that took my interests and creativity and ground them into dust)#so I've concluded that i will just try and make it through the next two days as best i can (I GET FANCY RESTAURANT FOOD ON WEDNESDAY)#and then I'll just try to let my mental and physical health recuperate while finding excuses to hang w/ friends#cause that'll stave off thr madness of isolation#i wanna watch my shows and movies too and I'll finally be able to w/o guilt after the last exam :cries:#anyway. if you've noticed an uptick in me just sayin shit recently (in a way that may or may not be cause for concern)#it's bc I'm so close to getting out of the mines that having to wait any longer is driving me clinically insane#i wanna downplay the problem bc it's truly not that big a deal in some ways#but then i remembered that this is a) the longest I've gone w/o seeing my pals in like. nearly a month#and I've been at home doing the same stuff everyday for nearly a month too#and also IT'S THE FINAL EXAM I'M EVER GONNA DO BEFORE COLLEGE. IT'S A BIG DEAL MAN#so actually. yes I'm a bit of a drama queen but my slice of life problems have a place for mediation and bemoaning#but it's fine. bc we're gonna kill it#I'm gonna do sooooooo good on this test (<- manifesting)#it's. a little high pressure bc the last time i did a test for this subject (that I'm generally very good at) i majorly beefed it#but I've learned since then and I'm hoping. praying. also working hard but mostly hoping and praying#anyway. I gotta sleep soon bc i got so little sleep last night bc of the heat that i almost started crying at breakfast#LET'S GO LESBIANS (the lesbians are me. it's just me talking into a hall of mirrors)
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i want to wrap my youngest brother in a forever cocoon of dance parties and hugs and reading the books he likes where he and I can live forever and ever because this child doesn't deserve a single bad thing to ever happen in his life
#for context:#he's little‚ in kindergarten‚ and was recently diagnosed with adhd (although we had already pretty much known) so while his dr is trying to#find the right meds for him he's struggling with the adjustment period and focusing in general#and this beautiful sunshine boy calls me on video chat and asks if i can help him finish his dnd character sheet we started last week#because he's very excited about the dnd campaign and wants to get his sheet finished like my other siblings (both several yrs older)#and so we're working through the sheet and we're talking and im explaining the math and i keep having to try and redirect his attention#because he's sitting in our kitchen and there's a lot happening around him and he's distracted (which i totally get and think is so valid!)#and so i told him#hey‚ if you can't focus right now and we need to circle back to this‚ i can wait. im free tonight and tomorrow night‚#call me when you're ready to finish and are feeling able to focus again#and he said okay and then in the saddest voice ever he apologized for not being able to pay attention and I just#my heart BROKE for him#because he's so smart! and kind!! and it's okay that he cannot focus on dnd right now‚ he's doing his best!!!#and i told him as much‚ promised i wasn't mad or frustrated or anything and told him i loved him and hoped he had a good night#but i just feel so bad that he internalized him not being able to pay attention as his fault#i just want to protect him forever and ever#idk if anyone has any tips on little kids w adhd‚ plz lmk‚ i want to be a resource and source of support for him 🫶
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Visual novel ft. Breeze with a section where they're gonna do a super dangerous daredevil stunt and if you don't talk them out of it, instead of describing what happens there's just a scene transition to the hospital
#original#my ocs#was thinking about this last night/this morning#there's more Stuff in this concept#like you get to this point by befriending breeze and they invite you to a “cool sports bike thing”#and then you get there and it's a jump through a flaming hoop over a pit of spikes#and you CAN just be like “alright let's do it!” and jump with them and then you both end up in the hospital#and also there's actual Drama and stuff#i was trying to think of dialogue options where there's a correct choice and an incorrect choice#but balancing that is kinda tricky because it needs to be understandable and reasonable but not obvious#one idea i liked is when you're trying to talk them out of it and they eventually ask “this is MY choice! why do you care if i get hurt?!”#the options are “because i like hanging out with you” and “because i want what's best for you”#anyway if breeze ends up hospitalized then they're basically gone for the rest of the game#and if YOU get hospitalized then it's a game over as you two consider “hm. yeah that probably wasn't worth being unable to walk for months”
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Anton compilation
#i miss him so much going through old photos on my laptop and like every second photo i took was an anton photo#there were so many little things about him that will never be there again. But I'm so happy i got to see them even the disgusting ones.#he would lay on my feet when i was cutting vegetables. he would flatten his ears as a way of saying hi.#he would do his best impression of a human hello when encountering people on his walks. he loved to eat carrots#and whenever he got one he'd run off to his bed with it and the crunching would be so loud.#he could notice when people were angry or sad and he'd try to comfort me and lick my face when i was crying.#we'd throw sticks for him into wheat fields and he'd lose them in there and prance like a deer only his ears sticking out.#he smelled really awful most of the time. he loved to eat shit and dead animals.#he was really scared of sheep and skylarks and our neighbors cat#he loved swimming and when he first learned how he splashed around so much like a little fountain.#he liked to sleep with his head on my shoes. at night i would hear the tap of his little feet#and then a thump when he'd lay down against my parents bedroom door and then a really loud sigh.#he once got on the table and ate the bolognaise when my mom was picking me up from school but he left a plateful for me#he made genuinely the strangest noises I've ever heard a dog produce.#after i moved out he was always so happy when i came to visit. he loved people#when he was younger there were a few trigger words that made him so excited he'd run up the stairs and howl. one of them was my sisters nam#as he got older he became more of a baby and so cuddly and calm.#i'm really sad that i didn't get to say goodbye to him or be there when he died but i hope he knew how much i love him
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