#i really wish they would just email
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today in adventures of being incredibly exhausted 24/7: eating is hard. I have no appetite and making food, even stuff like instant oatmeal or ramen or whatever, is too many spoons. I have a doctor's appointment at 5 so i have four and something hours to eat, preferably twice, practice my goddamned presentation again, and get ready to leave. ugh
#i keep getting calls from the genetics clinic that probably now has my test results#about which type of ehlers danlos i have#but phone calls are hard and i dont want to respond#i really wish they would just email#todays doctor appointment is psychiatrist#getting evaluated for adhd yay#and getting my prescriptions refilled#speaking of. I need to eat something to take my meds#slept for over twelve hours again#also woke up jn the middle of the night cause my back was hurting?? no idea what that was
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waiting for marvel to take you up as their comic artist so that we can have amazing art with cherik official storyline
marvel hire me to draw professor x and magneto making out sloppy style for forty issues straight you will get a BAJILLION dollars i promise
#fave#snap chats#'professor x' what are you a cop. moving on#vjeLKVJEALKV thank you much my friend one can only dream .....#you know whats so funny tho this just reminds me how like. My Number One Cheerleader was my highschool english teacher#she also ran the comic club in case thats relevant. because i was a part of that club OBVIOUSLY#i used to want to be a comic book artist but now i dont but anyway as a part of this club we'd have to draw comics sometimes#and alllll the time my teach would be so happy to get my stuff and she'd always be like#'[Snap] please promise me you'll never give up comics i want to read a comic from you one day' and stuff like that#i think id throw up laughing if i got to email her one day like 'omg hey teach 1.) im not a moody teenager anymore#2.) i got to work for marvel check it out <3' and i have to send her old man yaoi JLVKEJLKAEVJE#FUNNIEST TIMELINE IN THE WORLD I'D ACTUALLY DIE LIKE PLEAAAASSEE THATS ALL I COULD EVER WANT IN LIFE#on the realest note tho i didnt appreciate her enthusiasm enough. i wish i could tell her thank you someday#i think of her a lot whenever im in the dumps about my work she really is one of my biggest motivators#like i guess i COULD just shoot an email. maybe if i actually do something cool with comics or something#i dont even know if she remembers me so it'd just be bizarre wouldnt it#ANYWAYS. sappy story time's over theres a matcha crepe cake with my name on it BYYYYYEEEEE
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the craziest part about being queer and closeted is that you don’t even know how exhausting it is until it hits in the most random situations
#i had to write an email to my counselor#asking her if she could just#not mention i’m president of the gender& sexuality alliance#nor my essay which includes struggle with my sexuality#to my mom during meetings#which is like#okay yeah makes sense#but mid writing the email i just burst into tears#and started crying so hard#like where did that come from#Man#I wish i didn’t have to live knowing she would never look at me the same if she knew who i really was#lgbt#wlw
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GOD there is nothing more frustrating than being like oh Yay there's a guitar tutorial for this song I want to figure out how to play and watching it and it's just like completely inaccurate . Like nevermind then
#'its definitely not what hes playing but it sounds pretty good' genuinely So happy for you thats completely fine and its genuinely#impressive you like reverse engineered a slightly different guitar part that works with the vocals but i just cant do this im way too#particular for it not to bother me that i would rather choose banging my head against a wall by watching various videos of him playing it o#stage and trying to pick apart what hes doing and spending hours and hours trying to figure it out and eventually giving up#than play this approximation soooo im gonna go do that 👍 because unfortunately thats how my brain works but its okay#brian daddario if youre reading this can you please send me via email the exact tablature for the solo acoustic arrangement of#corner of my eyes that you play at shows please and thank you xoxoxooxoxoxox because im going crazy not being able to play it exactly#i really dont mean this to be snarky because the guys uploading the tutorials like i mean it thats so impressive and way more work than i#could and will put in but its just like i dont want to spend all my time learning somerhing and then its wrong because it just drives me#crazy even though no one cares but its the autism like i just cant do it#im fully 100% certain ill end up never learning this song because i wont be able to figure out exactly what hes playing but i will try#anyway but its gonna take me weeks man#AHGHHHHHH i just wish someoen else had already done it lol
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𝖜𝖔𝖒𝖕 𝖜𝖔𝖒𝖕
#i didnt want to complain too much.. but then im like why cant i complain then???#if i was around ppl who made me feel loved and had ppl who wanted to spend time w me and thought i was important#i wouldnt even want to complain rn. i feel alone every day but my birthday gets worse. i know birthdays dont matter that much......#but then why do i see so many other ppl have nice birthdays????? why do they have ppl who wanna celebrate it??? why do they get affection???#so yeah i know this sounds childish and im not even that materialistic but i feel sad not getting any gifts or birthday wishes 💀#but i also havent gotten those in years and years...... it's weird bc it's like i dont really want it but like it would also be nice ????#and i feel jealous of ppl w friends who acts like eo bday is smth special. my friends always 'forgot'. and my relatives would be 'busy'#i feel extra sad bc i didnt even get an email from the grocery store chain?!?!?! i always get that what the hell :(((((((#its like an automated birthday wish but like still.... not even as a customer in a capitalist way am i valued or important imma cry 😭😭😭😭#and ppl can belittle me or call me childish and egotistical but i am sad. and love helps. and i wouldnt be so sad#if during my life ppl made me feel important and valued and loved.#it isnt really abt wanting birthday attention it just all intensifies my feelings#of profound worthlessness and uselessness and how fkn unimportant i am 😁
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Sometimes I’m hit by the devastating fact that my childhood is leaving. It’s slipping away but I’ve still got half a foot in it. I’ll never be twelve again. I can barely remember a moment of fourth grade, but I know what it felt like. We once spent a month making a trip poster on the hallway floor. I haven’t talked to you in four years. I tutor people in Calculus. I just learned long division. I buy plushies with money I earned at work. I still sleep with the same stuffed animal my grandma got me. Maybe when I wake up, my mom will be waiting to braid my hair, because I don’t know how to yet. My dog will be small enough to fit under the fence. We’ll play tag at recess. They’ll bring the laptop cart for English. I’ll be twelve again.
#writing#ig#honestly I’ve just been like#hit really hard by nostalgia recently#but not like cute fun nostalgia#instead the heartwrenching kind when you think about the past and remember that it is ‘past’#my sister goes to the school I used to#if I needed to call her out sick#I wouldn’t know who to call#I never had a reason to have the number saved#not when my mom was the one who would always call for me#I wish she could still do that for me#instead I just email a teacher and use their first name bc that’s what the professors say to call them half the time#they don’t care if I come or not#still wish i could just get my mom to do it for me#I’m sure she’d write the email better than I would
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What is a Monday? A miserable little pile of obligations.
semester turnover restructure
generate/send out error reporting
figure out how to separate out unique counts
create polite reply to Massive Dick Move email
finish the bad book >:(
bò kho (not an obligation. dinner)
laundry
lizard bath
#yapping tag#I spent my weekend trying to sleep and now all my chores are due today and I wanna complain. grump grump grump whine.#the semester turnover restructure actually is a pet project so that part I like! I wish I could take my time with it though#the error reporting is. well it's easy to generate (it's actually running now) and it's tedious but uncomplicated to send out#but then I'm going to spend the rest of the day getting passive-aggressive responses from everybody#in a just world my coworkers would respond to careful itemized lists of all their fuckups with 'thank you Alexis you're so helpful#we really appreciate you flagging our mistakes two weeks before the system final-saves them forever into stone. have a cookie!'#but alas#if I'd been any less stressed and frantic when I first established the error reporting I'd have set up a separate address to send them from#write up some template emails and let the reporting all come out of the mythical 'automatic system thing'#--every 'automatic system thing' in our college is me or IT on my behalf. even the people who hired me for this don't seem to realize#if only I'd known from the beginning that nobody would ever connect me and my systems! I'd be exploiting the shit out of it--#the unique counts is going to be a headache. no idea how I'm going to structure the coding for it. might be fun to invent? we'll see#the Massive Dick Move email response also will be an invention. 'hello Mr Massive Dick I am karma here to smite you' but polite#the bad book >:( I don't want to read any more of but the deal I made with my friend is he sends me free books and I report back#we did not discuss a special 'get out of book free' card for when the main character is a godawful shit sibling. (should've done though)#beef stew is good! mostly it's on the list so I don't forget to set the timers#laundry and lizard bath can wait until tomorrow if they must but they shouldn't wait any longer than that. lizard and I will get stinky
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The eternal tension between genuinely wanting to watch/read good horror media and wanting to sleep for the next week.
#I was trying to watch through HBomberGuy’s pathologic video again#because I do really genuinely like Pathologic and I think he does a good job of explaining why it’s cool#but I had to stop about 15 minutes in bc the anxiety thoughts started and I clicked ‘it is late at night’#‘if I keep watching I will not sleep’#I wish I had thicker skin when it comes to horror#even little things get to me p bad even when they’re not related to any trauma or anything#like there was this one game that the sleepover society played through#it was rly cool and I loved it bc it has that old Win95 aesthetic#complete w/ DOS startup interface showing up each in game day#old outlook style email#it’s so fun#but it is a horror game. even though the horror is 1) clearly implausible to real life and 2) not Smth that’s related to anything religious#it’s abt a pest company that fields calls and at first it starts normal#you get calls and you have tabs to click on abt different pests like raccoons and ants and stuff#and some stuff for like. black mold. house problems you might mistake for pests.#and then it nosedives into ‘tiny creatures that live and your walls and if you don’t give them offerings they turn into boggarts and eat you#or fae which claim your house and swallow you alive’#and that’s genuinely cool worldbuilding and I liked it and I loved the ending of it#but I did struggle to sleep for days afterwards bc I got irrational thoughts like ‘what if the pretend glowy fungus is real’#bc a lot of the horror creatures were stuff that you explicitly wouldn’t notice or would write off as being poor memory or regular pests#like plucking your dreams out of your head or a mirror making you forget who you are#spookie. to me. and I know that’s the point I just feel like it’s the equivalent of calling paprika spicy.
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aughhh the hell of like. being sick but feeling decent like i could go to class. and the knowledge that like. probably shouldnt. and also my class is in half an hour and i havent had lunch
#jaytalking#i have tested negative so far. one friend said she would bring around covid tests an hasnt yet so i have no way of checking after this unle#i want to trek for like. 20 minutes to the hospital pharmacy and spend another 20 bucks#i am not going to go to class bc i sat up and had the worst headache in the world and a friend said they would send me the notes but ugh.#bye bye five points bc nobody's gonna record the lecture for me and i don't really want to like. retool those notes#ughhh being sick during school is the worst especially bc its like. i don't really feel like i can miss class but i really shouldn't be goi#but if i'm still feeling shitty tomorrow and i don't go to class i'm going to miss a class discussion and another lecture and also a studio#day for my drawing class. and i'm already missing a studio day for a different art class with no response from my teacher yet#why is being sick like the worst thing in the goddamn world#maybe i email my professor about the discussion and be like heyyyy ive been sick and im not sure if im going to make it to class so what#should i do about that discussion. blease. i don't want to lose easy points just because i can't control my immune system#also yeah i think i would die in that lecture. i just wish somebody would record it :ouh:#maybe i shouldve emailed my professor this morning but also its a big lecture hall and i don't think she normally records anything so hey.#ill never know bc im starving and im going to eat my lunch now
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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Gonna have to bust out the comm sheet soon bc work is not scheduling me and. frankly. I simply do not want to be there as of late
#management change has been BRUTAL but we're working on it#anyways. need to get the business email set up bc i lowkey don't really wanna keep putting my full legal name out there lmao#i just. hope i can feel good enough to carry this out. all the time off and i feel so eh bc of work stuff#i wish it didn't bother me so much!! i don't WANT it to bother me this much!! i want to make art and make art for ppl bc i love to make art#maybe i'll go for a walk and feel like the light is coming back into my life.#also the extra money would really help me pay down my credit card debt so i'll be including that in the sheet lmao#it'll be a pretty simple sheet. flat rate. feeling lazy about it but i wanna be a little more serious about it this time#bc i uh. would really like to not be in debt if i can help it lmao. i'm making it work but it could also work better#anyways. keep your eyes open for that!#shai speaks
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Man. That Feel When I want to be feral and reveal a bad experience I've had and reveal the person who took my money and kind of ran with it but. Is it worth starting drama over?
I was just thinking about it tbh...
Well I'll say this much: A rather popular DR person (at the time, idk what they're fully up to now) pretty much took over $100.00 from me and ghosted me. I tried to commission them for something but. Well. Again, they just ghosted me. Haven't been able to enjoy their work since they did.
And to note: It was not an artist or fanfic author. I'm not elaborating on this further, but I don't want to feel like I HAVE to keep silent in order to feel like I'm not mud-slinging or people to speculate on innocent people. This is a years-old event that just crops up once in a while and I get upset about it.
So yeah. Bleck.
#I just. Come across or think about their work sometimes#and I just get sad because I really did enjoy their work once upon a time#but idk. To run off with someone's money is kind of scummy.#I won't say I was fully scammed though#They ended up ghosting me first#Then I sent them an email telling them to just keep the money after they didn't get back to me because#well#They forced me to not use Paypal's invoices so I knew that even if I tried to dispute it I would probably not win by that point#Then they got back to me feeling guilty and offered a full refund AND to finish the commission I ordered#to which I was like ''Oh great!!!! but if you're gonna complete the order then don't give me a refund''#because you know#Why would I let this artist slave over this content I was commissioning them for just to cheat them out of payment?#So I thought we were set to continue and then#guess what? Ghosted again. This time they never came back.#-sighs-#It was supposed to be a surprise gift for a friend too#which really fucking sucks ass tbh#I could really use that extra $100.00 in my life ngl.#I also wish I could enjoy their content again because it was good content#but alas. I'm just gonna have to stay bitter and huffy about it.
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i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔
#i was telling her abt the preschool i got hired at and i was like yeah im worried bc the other teacher doesn't seem nice#and the student teacher ratio is really bad they're really understaffed and underfunded im just really worried it will be too much for me#and she was like oh you should apply to the school i work at bc we're hiring snd the ratio is great and the pay might be better also#and i never knew the name of the school she worked at until then#and its one i DID apply to but i told them nevermind after this one hired me 😬#but now i really wish i'd taken that interview#i'm going to call or email first thing on monday tho and hopefullyyy i can get in for an interview before i start my new job on thursday#so i wont literally have to take time off for it#and then if they offer me i will be able to tell the new job nevermind while its still early#either that or i'll try to stick it out a few months then apply to the other one for summer or something#but im not sure whether its best to quit immediately or let them think im dependable and staying then leave in three months lol#but mostly for the other job idk if it would ruin the opportunity to tell them nevermind i want the job a week after i said no#compared to a few months later#they might have forgotten me by then which would probably be good#idkkk#my first reference literally works there which will hopefully help and maybe they'll give me a break#the pay scale looks the same as the one i just accepted but i think they'll offer less bc they're not as desperate#but i literally dont care its such a better working environment#and the pay scale is the same so they would give me a raise after a few months#and the work will be so much easier#and the commute#and i Definitely know i can work with my friend#vs the co teacher at this new job who seems really intense and unfriendly#anyway!!#im really anxious abt this new job and i'll stay if the other place wont take me now#but i really hope they give me another chance#also its super close and easy drive and the commute for the other one scares me a bit lol#this has been a shitpost
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I really wish there was some way to just like. temporarily turn off anxiety without any other side effects. I mean obviously anyone wants that but I am just so tired of being anxious pretty much always. The only time I’m not anxious is if I am being super distracted by something fun and not at all productive.
I would love to be able to have like. Just an hour. Of zero anxiety and zero other effects. To get a bunch of stuff done.
#One thing I really really really really really want to do#Is track down as many random accounts I’ve made online#by looking at the list gmail has of accounts associated with the email#and accounts with passwords saved on firefox and apple#It would in the long run give me great peace of mind to have deleted as many of those as possible#but i LITERALLY cannot start this task#without having a panic attack#my heart is pounding just making this post and i’m sweating hard#and I just really fucking wish I could have no anxiety and also be clear headed#to get this shit done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ograt
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i was going to email my accordion teacher i had a few yrs ago to ask for advice on fixing my accordion but then remembered she is quite old so ... i went and looked her up just to make sure there were no obituaries or smth for her and uhm. instead i found out her brother is like. super famous. bro that guy taught me some piano stuff and i played music with him holy shit help ??? i sat on the same piano bench with him while he showed me some piano stuff oh my god. i think he also maybe taught me a bit of accordion bc he plays like a million instruments. he's won multiple awards and has travelled worldwide to perform ???? HELLO ???
and now im too scared and intimidated to email her hdsgjskdgjkl
#idk who else to email though AUGHHH#theres someone in another area of the country that i could email but he has a $150 price tag on just ASSESSING an accordion#so i dont think he'd be willing to give advice for free ;-;#my other option is to make an account on this old web style forum and ask for advice there#but i'd really rather talk to someone i know#i phoned the music store in the next town over and they said they dont do accordion repairs and dont know who would#so im just. back to square one fjdskfl#i wish i wasnt so afraid of emailing ppl but oh my god this lady's brother is so fucking famous what on earth#I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOOOO#usually i'd be so gung-ho about just trying to fix smth myself#but i saw yet another warning this time on the company's official page that said DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT YOURSELF#GET A PROFESSIONAL TO DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU WILL BREAK SOMETHING AND COST YOURSELF MORE MONEY#so im just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#vent //
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If things for non-verbal communication helps you I'd say go for it. Others saying you're not suffering enough to make things easier for you aren't living your life. Do what helps you.
even if I did, the world around me isn't very accommodating. I know all people in my life wouldn't be accepting of it. I don't go out much or have many friends. don't talk where I volunteer but I told them on the form I signed up on that I wouldn't talk and they're surprisingly accepting of it. don't talk at work, but work with my mom so she talks for me basically. the times I would need it would be very hard to use. not sure if I could do it with phone calls or video calls. am known to not call back for important things because dont answer my phone and will try to email them instead and no one wants to answer emails. will beg them not to call in message. they leave voice mail saying they got my message so call them back..... have video calls with my therapist and don't know how i'd use it for that. could help for in person doctor appointments but doctors are so impatient and want me in and out fast, don't know if it would improve much. I already never get to say all I need and non verbal communications is slow. don't know how twitch chat would react, so might be the only viable option...people that know me might be weirded out but whatever. new people might make fun of a robot voice but whatever x2 if I make it part of my "thing" they can deal with it especially if I cam finish making a vtuber and make that their "voice" maybe.... would be hard when playing games having to stop to type and won't say things enough so kinda same problem.....hmmm. could maybe at least work for art streams? 🤔
#sorry for rambling. just working it out in my head#wish it would be easier but world isnt very accomodating so dont know how to navigate that#ah. remembering as a kid desperately wishing i could learn sign language and teach everyone around me so i could acrually communicate#but didnt have internet and couldnt find books for it and no one wanted to learn it for me either#was excited to take it in high school but they got rid of a bunch of classes because not enough funding and cant afford teachers :/#is alternative communication easier for me if hurdles it has are exhausting too? just emailing places is very stressful and tiring#and they never accommodate that. either ignoring or calling anyway! cant get a prescription because they dont read emails!#S I G H#talking feels so hard for me but am told don't count as semiverbal/semispeaking. makes me wonder how hard is for actual semispeakers#or dare i say....would i actually count and just got wrong info because i explain bad...idk.#am wondering if its common where people get mad because You Can Make Mouth Sounds So I Only Listen Of You Speak!#used to write in notebook to try communicating at school. people say they wont read and had teacher tear paper up and force speech#he got no speech.#pretty sure using aac would be similar “use your voice. i wont listen to that! i know you can talk!” people irl are ignorant and not nice#why this post take 45 minutes to make....typing is tiring 😅#so used to trying to typer perfect so people understand better and am known to be really good writer. but. so tiring....#maybe should try shorter wordings. is easier. hope people understand. uhhdhhdhssdhhdbdhefhf tired
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