#i probably wont do the rest of the days
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ppkm week: day 1, graduation
#ppkm#ppkm week#butterflysoup#noekarsha#i probably wont do the rest of the days#but take this anyway#ppkmweek2024
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lime has such a special place in my heart. like hes such a prominent character in the story and even though he was one of the first ones made i still have a hard time finding something to do with his arc that is satisfying to me and brings justice to him as a character,.,
#i dont know how to explain it properly in words#but i feel something (click) with my ocs such that an idea/concept just falls into placeand i havent felt that with him in terms of#what i want to do with him#hes so amazing and at the same timeconstantly outshined by mochi just because of who she is and i feel like...he shouldnt be.......#but im not sure how to remedy that in my head yet...#so thats why you see me playing around with so many lime concepts like the m34th and the underworld#still looking for t h a t t h i n g#the rest of the characters im pretty satisfied with in terms of their subplots/character arcs#except lime and maybe oscar#anyway. thoughts by me#the last few days ive been thinking about the m34th concept but im wishy washy. probably wont end up doing it#maybe after the main story?#when everything settles down?#they befriend the m34th by the end#the conflict between the witches and m34th is more a difference of perspective than principle#so lime ACTUALLY joining them is not... illegal?#ughuhgughug#one day i will find something for him
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#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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it is some comfort to know that my generation will not be giving our children ipads until they turn 30
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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No but seriously it IS so sad and such a futile action to try talking to people online these days bc you can try to make the point ”my whole outlook on life is changing, and re-prioritizing what and who you support and forging new friendships and getting to talk to likeminded people @ protests or via endeavours online is a good thing actually. it’s a good thing to try, it benefits everyone - if your mental health is improving somewhat it helps you to keep doing things and your community and also yourself long term” and they’ll be like ”oh so you want (idol/celebrity) TO DIE IS THAT WHAT youre saying, racist!!!!??” like, respectfully, bitch are you stupid??? try not to deflect from the topic. please practice reading comprehension, and then keep going with compassion and growing personal morals because you really need all three…
#anyone else losing respect for 95% of people on social media these days bc its very clear where their priorities lie….#and idk i guess its futile to try to talk to some people but it still makes me extremely sad…..#its the wilful ignorance and toxic positivity for me - upholding the status quo because its Normal and Good 😊#for YOU karen……. please have a look around#months ago i saw this tweet that i will Not stop thinking about for the rest of my life probably….#that ppl need to realise that while therapy and ~self-care and anti-depressants arent bad things of course#they wont change the fact that the world around you is still an absolute nightmare#and ofc especially for people who dont have access to any of these things#overconsumption… climate change… racism… transphobia…. genocide and colonialism… animal cruelty….#and you should NOT stop complaining about those things making you deeply upset#because not only are you allowed to its important that YOU DO
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i keep getting irrationally miffed at ppl 😐😐
#'impressed by how much u can talk abt this considering youve not played either game'#fuck off. as if im not just trying to show interest bc u + another friend are both into them + constantly talk abt them in our gc!!#i mean since u guys talk abt them all the time + theyre huge on tumblr like. it would be hard for me to not know anything abt them at all#literally what else can i talk to u guys abt anyway. i dont think there are any interests i personally have that they both gaf abt#if anything they actively dislike most of the things im hyperfixated on. or at least she does so like i cant bring that up can i.#all i did was share a post i saw on tumblr that i thought was funny. its not like i had some negative/controversial opinion#i just saw it and thought hey that makes me think of my friends bc they like those things maybe theyll find it funny too!!#dog sitting outside the door with rly big sad eyes offering them a stick i found in a puddle#i like listening to them talk and i will eventually play some of the games theyre into myself cuz they make them sound rly cool#and even if theyre not my kind of thing i like sharing interests with other ppl and sometimes thats enough for me to be able to enjoy it#i literally own some of them already but im just not in the mental space to start smth new right now. which i have SAID!!!!#why do u even care girl. as if u dont already have a ton of friends playing it that ur talking to abt it???? i wont have anything to add#and thats not gonna stop u from being able to talk to me abt it anyway????? like 2/3 of our conversations atm are abt bg3#man. i know its not that deep but it makes me kinda sad for some reason. im just trying. i guess next time ill just let u guys talk-#to each other or at me and not comment or say anything so u can pretend im not here or whatever it is u want#ughh. she probably didnt even mean it like that and ill feel stupid for getting annoyed and delete this later but whatever.#might work out early today and then i can like draw or play a game or smth the rest of the day. alright lets go#.vent#listening to my silly little jfunk/jazz/soul playlist and i already feel over it. healing
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sometimes life sucks bc i just feel like a stupid huge baby forever. oh look eiffel got overwhelmed by the smallest thing on earth to keep em from exploding further over trivial shit we have to let em be alone with snacks and put either music or tv on so they can be distracted and calm down. i feel so dumb living this way sometimes like i'll never grow up. it's not anyone else doing this btw this is me on my own doing this for myself and i know it's good and fine bc it helps me go be normal but it makes me feel like some dumb baby that i can't just i don't know. i don't know. i know this is a very normal skill used by many people on planet earth so they can just take a ment to calm down but idk it's me this is me only i just wish i could be normal about things instead of small things getting me to the point of wanting to explode. urgh. I don't know what I'm saying anymore I feel so tired right now I'm going to keep listening to music on this balcony and make myself be normal and calm down instead of being a bitch throwing a hissy fit because they got a little frustrated this morning
#this was bound to happen eventually im surprised it didnt happen yesterday to be truthful#which i guess made me hopeful i would be ok on this trip bc if i could be normal the day after travel then i should be ok right!#wrong! this morning i was an idiot baby about things. and probably wont geel great the rest of the day. but kt will be ok#maybe tomorrow i will do better#vent.txt
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awesome. love having a 24 hour shift after 3 hours of sleep, running high fevers all night, and with a throat so sore i can barely get a couple words out at a time
#and ive got a full ward which makes me sit on high alert#which is probably the only thing keeping me going right now#if it were more quiet id probably crash#ngl i do feel im reaching my breaking point#today was insane and ive been trying to finish my reports for the past four hours now#but my brain cant focus#i keep making typos and forgetting which report i was working on#im trying to get everything set and ready#so if need be i can stay home and rest the next couple of days#for now i took more nsaids and pray my liver wont fail me yet#burrito talks#not fandom related#delete later#i hate complaining but i put on my customer service smile irl if ppl ask if im ok#so im allowed to nag on tumblr 😭
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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i was already having such a stressful day with my only coworker being replaced for 3 weeks by the workplace mean girls that talk about me both behind my back AND to my face, and now this :| im done
#literally want to kms#fuck everything right now#and literally the one person i would want to talk to about it is not talking to me right now and probably for the rest of the day#i fucking hate my life and i want to do drugs#BUT NO ONE CARES!!! MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD TURNED OUT TO BE GARBAGE#LIKE#i dont think anyone in my life gets how close i am to breaking down at all times#except maybe my mom#which is probably why shes the only one who hasnt called me immature a child embarrassing etc. when im upset#like i just feel like a failure all of the time and i feel that constantly being reinforced by the people in my life#and the people closest to me which sucks#at least my foster sib doesnt judge me#literally crying rn#delete tag#probably gonna delete this one in like seconds lmao#at least the person its about wont see it cause hes got a new child bride to focus his attention on#plus no tumblr thats the main thing actually#i just wanted to say the child bride thing cause hes a LOSER#personal.txt
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I know I'm always going to be busy, but I cannot wait until I can either just come home to a family, even if it's just my future husband and I and enjoy our time together, or stay at home and make our place a home worth living in.
Even with private violin/viola/cello/bass lessons that will most likely take place at my house, I am really looking forward to the solace of somewhere I can call home with a family.
Hopefully this will be my last big adventure before I settle down and marry the love of my life.
#tradlife#tradwife#catholic#tradblr#im so exhausted#i love teaching but it really wears you down#im not sure what the solution is#I'm really going to enjoy being a sahm#im moving in two months for grad school#i love my boyfriend dearly and im looking forward to beingn wed to him#maybe ill adjunct teach at a university?#i probably need more experience as a violist and violinist#i just want a good home and family#im so tired of apartment living#its so dark in my apartment#and i haven't had the opportunity to eo a proper clean because im busy from 7am-10pm#or the rare times im home i just want to rest#it wont be forever at least#i really do crave a simple life where i can clean bake cook craft and be a homemaker#ill still have symphony rehearsal and have to play#but i really hope that one day i can have a more relaxed job#or maybe just a better job#i have to teach outside my content area and it give me so much stress#i also have a difficult 7th grade group#we're going to gave a cone to jesus talk tomorrow#its a shame because its a handful of them that just cant get with the program and im not aure what to do at this point#alas alas#small steps
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ive gotten well damnginto this song
#if its meant to happen it'll#happy anyway#im just two days into college and im three lectures behind. theres this guy lets name him colin he says he wants to be mine. but it doesnt#really sit with me quite right cause he doesnt really like the things i likeand i keep accidentally locking myself outta my dorm in the#middle of the night. i wake up kinda wired and i wake up kinda cold and i wake up kinda tired but i'll just sleep in when im old. see i don#like breaking rules but dont like doing as im told so i just float around and hope my life unfolds. everybodys tellin me that im doing so#well i try to believe them honestly i kinda find it hard to tell. if i need work or i need rest to try my best to try my best to tell mysel#i say out loud “its fine i'll figure it all out”#i tend to forget. im only still quite young. in a way this life of mine has only just begun ive got time. ive got time. im two days into#college with a busy; busy mind. that guy that we named colin he's so handsome hes so kind. my friends tell me im crazy that i'll take it wa#too far. cause i told him that its over because he doesnt play guitar. im only two days into college and my bedroom is a mess#theres just so much that i want to do that i have not done yet. theres just so much want i say but far too little breath#on my mind it runs so far away its easy to forget. that to everybody else it looks like im doing so well. i try to see it honestly i find i#hard to tell. if ive done wrong or ive done right. i need a goodnight's sleep tonight. they say “go out” i said “alright”#i think i wont i maybe might i probably should just take it slow. i'll be good but god i know. the one thing that's important above#everything else: is to learn not to put all this heavy pressure on myself. i try to believe it when i say i'll be fine. ive got time. ive g#two days into college#yes i typed all that hehe#cheryap#Spotify
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Cannot wait to have today over with, getting through work and getting the yummy food I've been dying for
Uuhhh slight rant in tags? Kinda just butthurt complaining. I didn't know I was gonna have a whole rant but I'm just gonna leave it as is
#i wish i could speedrun this weekend. i got a 3-10 shift on Saturday and...hbhhhggggggg. I just want it over with!! and to relax#and do nothing all day#alas. not my first 3-10 shift surely not my last#not to mention summer hasnt started yet it always gets unbelievably busy in summer. but i wont have to juggle school and work then#probably doesnt help that i dont really like the job or schedule i have for it right now but i cant really change it cause i have to-#-schedule around school and not many places hire people under 18#i can at least relieve myself of this job when i turn 18. its a whole story but I will be free then and smooth sailing till i am OUT OF HERE#getting through work by thinking about what food i want is on my break is so nice. great strategy#lucky for me though work has been going by a lot more quickly lately. it used to drag on forever when i first started#i guess its more so just the knowledge of putting like 8 hours there and getting home and only having enough energy to sleep just...sucks#i am so not a night shift person. maybe evening shift depending on when it ends but im 100% a morning shift person#am i 18 yet. particularly 18 after ive graduated and im free and zero complications happened with me graduating#febuary is almost over. just a few more months yall. and by few more months i mean my birthday is all the way in december#so i got the rest of the year
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