#i only wish i could give her everything
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
NO MORGANA YOU WERE RIGHT 😭😭😭
#ash watches merlin again#s1e7 rewatch#not gaius looking at merlin to make sure he goes along with the gaslighting#kept it from uther sure but why keep it from her??#why tell her she was wrong?? what are you afraid of#she deserved the truth#she deserved to know what was happening IN HER OWN HEAD#the ONLY person who would know is gaius uther eliminated every other person who would know magic#she was so young!!!#lied to for her entire life!!!#i wonder if it was the dragon who told gaius to#sigh#i only wish i could give her everything#even if she made the same decisions
0 notes
Text
the readers group guide at the end of the wicked years finishing with this question is so . can you lay the hell off her
#(IN TEARS) SHE TRIED SHE TRIED SO HARD.#calling it a baptismal splash considering fabala’s. everything with religion 😀#good questions though. can’t front#let me give an answer actually. i think the story of a person can be both a tragedy and a triumph and elphaba's certainly is both.#there is triumph in that such a tortured heart spent decades trying to right injustices and heal the sick when she was at her most hurt#and longs for forgiveness and protects those she considered under her charge. even when she was clumsy with love#and struggled to receive and acknowledge it because of her pain. even when she lost her way and burned bridges#and lashed out when cornered with grief and loss and failure. i think she needed no redemption only rest#though i wish the world could have made it a gentler one. one would be hard pressed not to consider many aspects of her life a tragedy.#but i don't regret her and i'm sure neither do those who tried to love her#a life so brave so singular so unrelentingly lived is a triumph. but i am a sentimental guy!#chats
40 notes
·
View notes
Text
the lack of fandom insanity about aloy hzd is crazy to me.....she was literally born of immaculate conception to be the saviour of a world that doesnt want her. she was the loneliest girl in the world the first and last of her kind. while gay
#she is everything to me!!!!!!!!#went back to my hzd replay and in my feelings currently#also started on burning shores finally and while its good. for reasons known. opening hfw again does remind me#how i feel that it did not do justice to the themes of hzd#manyyyy thoughts on that#one major thing is that the zeniths even existing takes away the fact that up to that point there was absolutely nobody left#from the old world. just recording and emails and broken holograms#not even gaia (!!)#(yes it is very important to me that the gaia in hfw is just a backup copy she is the same program per se but NOT the same gaia#that chose to give life to aloy. out of her love and trust in elisabet. it was actually very impactful imo how that gaia was destroyed#before she could ever speak to aloy. she could nly leave her a message. addressing her as elisabet iirc#which ended on 'i only wish i could hear your voice again' DEAR GOD#anyways the fact that the hfw gaia is NOT the same one. and thats never addressed or anything#just encapsulates the emotional hollowness of hfw compared to hzd#hzd just had this massive all encompasing theme of loneliness. that came together in all aspects of the game#hfw was such a paradigm shift from that it should have been more meaningful#but they got lost in the sauce and ended up with kind of a nothingburger in comparison#hzd was a story hfw was just a game. THERE!!#wow this turned into kind of a rant anyways. aloy girl of all time!!!!#hzd#hfw#aloy
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
SO excited to hang out with this fucking weirdo (affectionate)
#honkai star rail#hsr#march 7th#god i love her. so excited for launch day tomorrow#she's everything to me. i will play this game at least until we get 5* march#everyone else excited for 5* dan heng meanwhile i only give a shit about the fact that this means 5* march is both possible and likely#wish i could do something bigger for launch but alas! finals season is upon me (WOE)#so little march doodle will have to be sufficent#id in alt and click 4 quality as a;ways
150 notes
·
View notes
Text
I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
14 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hey KO, pd said the reason damon named fane.. fane was to honor rika's father since he respected him after realizing her father still wanted to raise him despite his origin. he wasnt named to honor rika but to honor her father.
That's great actually, and it makes sense. Thanks for the clarification.
#asked and answered#devil's night series#damon torrance#still wish it had been made clear through the series#and that the names of his other children had some clear meaning so we the readers could piece that together#and not have to be told by the author after the fact#but it's something i guess#i really don't want to complain because i don't wanna be one of those fans that is like things should have been done the way i want them#“my preference over everything else!”#not everything needs to be done to my preference i know that#but why did he pick a name that is very much associated with his very alive sister who refused to give up her father's name#rika is honoring her father with the same name - we discussed that in conclave#damon could have done something different with schreader#Rea is a pretty cool name; same with Reader#or something#it's also still associated with the diamond business rika owns which is also named fane#who is going to think of Rika's dad when they meet fane when his name is so many other things?#but that's just me#i keep coming back to this with new thoughts#but why does schraeder get forgiveness#and christane is a weak women for being depressed when Gabriel raped her a stole her baby#schraeder may have loved damon despite that but he didn't do anything to stop Damon's abuse#Damon's double standards are getting out of control#“i love strong women”#but only by a very narrow definition of strong#and this isn't to say damon can't be flawed#but can we see this as a flaw without his fans turning to rage over it
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
in class today i felt so incredibly out of place again, why does it have to be so hard for me? and, i like this girl, but every single time we have class she mentions her "autism" while happily chatting with 3+ ppl at a time, completely effortless, while im sitting there, staring and trying to focus enough to even understand the conversation bc there is so much noise around me that i feel like i'm about to either explode or shut down completely and i feel like an alien trying my best to somehow socialize and understand what is going on and really to just get through this.
#i feel awful i was so close to just breaking into tears at one point#we had the introduction to greek archaeology course for the first time today and... i hate it#it is so fucking boring#the lecturer is italian and while her english vocabulary is great her accent already makes it hard to understand her but what is worse is#that she completely mispronounces a ton of english words so you constantly have to sorta interpret what she is saying#i genuinely didnt understand at least a third of what she was saying today#and its all “look this painting on this and that vase” and its basically art history and i hate art history i really dont give a shit#and then i felt like i picked the wrong study program and i should just drop out which ofc is complete bullshit bc the courses i have monda#are really interesting as they are about prehistory which i am actually interested in and its ok to not care about certain eras of arch.#we were even told that by one lectures who also didnt give a shit about christian archaeology and was only interested in prehistory#so i know its ok rationally but everything was so awful today that my brain went into doom mode#and earlier my father yapped about the election to my mom while i hid in the bathroom lol and then he said in his horrible condescending#voice how “kamala is so stupid you cant sit her in front of a camera (for an interview)” and how she is “just as dumb as baerbock”#baerbock is a german politician - and obviously a woman#there r a million politicians he could choose from but he went with 2 women#i hate him so fucking much#i am not prone to violent phantasies at all but with him its different#i wish he would just die#ok now that we are so cozy and cheerful in these tags i'm gonna go to bed to spend another shitty day at uni tomorrow goodnight#personal
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Boots crunched in hay, and then he was knee to knee before her.
Aedion.
There was nothing kind on his face. No pity or warmth.
For a long minute, they only stared at each other.
Then the prince growled softly, "Your plan was bullshit."
She said nothing, and couldn't stop her shoulders from curving inward.
"Your plan was bullshit," he breathed, his eyes sparking. "How could you ever be her, wear her skin, and think to get away with it? How could you ever think you'd get around the fact that our armies are counting on you to burn the enemy to ashes, and all you can do is run away and emerge as some beast instead?"
"You don't get to pin this retreat on me," she rasped. The first words she'd spoken in days and days.
"You agreed to let Aelin go to her death, and leave us here to be slashed to bloody ribbons. You two told no one of this plan, told none of us who might have explained the realities of this war, and that we would need a gods-damned Fire-Bringer and not an untrained, useless shape-shifter against Morath."
Blow after blow, the words landed upon her weary heart. "We—"
"If you were so willing to let Aelin die, then you should have let her do it after she incinerated Erawan's hordes!"
"It would not have stopped Maeve from capturing her."
"If you'd told us, we might have planned differently, acted differently, and we would not be here, damn you!"
She stared at the muddy hay. "Throw me out of your army, then."
"You ruined everything." His words were colder than the wind outside. "You, and her."
Lysandra closed her eyes.
Hay rustled, and she knew he'd risen to his feet, knew it as his words speared from above her bowed head. "Get out of my tent."
She wasn't certain she could move enough to obey, though she wished to. Needed to. Fight back. She should fight back. Rage at him as he lashed at her, needing an outlet for his fear and despair.
Lysandra opened her eyes, peering up at him. At the rage on his face, the hatred She managed to stand, her body bleating in pain. Managed to look him in the eye, even as Aedion said again with quiet cold, "Get out."
Barefoot in the snow, naked beneath her cloak. Aedion glanced at her bare legs, as if realizing it. And not caring.
So Lysandra nodded, clutching Ansel's cloak tighter, and strode into the frigid night.
"Where is she?" Ren asked, a mug of what smelled like watery soup in one hand, a chunk of bread in the other. The lord scanned the tent as if he would find her under the cot, the hay.
Aedion stared at the precious few logs burning in the brazier, and said nothing.
"What have you done?" Ren breathed.
Everything was about to end. Had been doomed since Maeve had stolen Aelin. Since his queen and the shifter had struck their agreement.
So it didn't matter, what he'd said. He hadn't cared if it wasn't fair, wasn't true.
Didn't care if he was so tired he couldn't muster shame at his pinning on her the blame for the sure defeat they'd face in a matter of days before Perranth's walls.
He wished she'd smacked him, had screamed at him. But she had let him rage. And had walked out into the snow, barefoot.
He'd promised to save Terrasen, to hold the lines. Had done so for years. And yet this test against Morath, when it had counted ... he had failed.
He’d muster the strength to fight again. To rally his men. He just ... he needed to sleep.
Aedion didn't notice when Ren left, undoubtedly in search of the shifter with who he was so damned enamored.
He should summon his Bane commanders. See how they thought to manage this disaster.
But he couldn't. Could do nothing but stare into that fire as the long night passed.
#Chapter 34#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Aedion Ashryver#Lysandra Ennar#no spoilers please#first read#read with me#read along#more tags more spoilers below and above warned#the magic thread - if only there was Aelin - the fire - what the sky shows - he had failed - retreat and live fight and die - to Perranth#the sound of shields is giving infinity war vibes and while I try to stay a little optimistic even I must admit things are getting sticky#the Crown Prince splattered with blood both red and black. — Manorian I’ll bleed whatever color you tell me to lol — the Thealis reference#Ashryver eyes dim — okay that one hurt — I will follow you cousin however this may end but we cannot keep this up not — to whatever end#Where is the Queen? Where is her Fire? but if the Firebringer fought without flame they would know — She has run away. AGAIN.#asking why Aelin of the Wildfire did not burn away their enemies Did not at least give them light by which to fight. Ok but I luv Wyvern Lys#Two Silent Assassins noticed on the second night that the dead soldier still lay on Lysandra's back. — a line that broke me#They treated her with kindness nonetheless. No one made to reach for the lone horse — Aedion should’ve been there should’ve been kind to her#Even the Queen of the Wastes was pale her wine-red hair plastered to her head beneath the dirt and blood. —no ur plan was bullshit#he’s not speak to her it’s him to him-You don't get to pin this retreat on me she rasped. The first words she'd spoken in days and days.#She wasn't certain she could move enough to obey though she wished to. Needed to. Fight back. Rage at him as he lashed at her. but she knew#he knew it and he’s wishing she’d punish him for it but she didn’t#Barefoot in the snow naked beneath her cloak. Aedion glanced at her bare legs as if realizing it. And not caring.#So Lysandra nodded clutching Ansel's cloak tighter and strode into the frigid night. — this chapter hurt me — I’m with Ren WHERE IS SHE#Aedion stared at the precious few logs burning in the brazier and said nothing… well not nothing & braziers double haunts me forever#Everything was about to end. Had been doomed since Maeve had stolen Aelin. Since his queen and the shifter had struck their agreement.#So it didn't matter what he'd said. He hadn't cared if it wasn't fair wasn't true… mmm no those words mattered they were awful#why must we repeat HoF mistakes per ship#He wished she'd smacked him had screamed at him But she had let him rage. And had walked out into the snow barefoot#soon — they will come soon — they ghost leopard dis not falter — the Crochans and Rolfe and ugh so many people just need to show up soon
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.
#i dont really like this psychiatrist but ive only seen her once so i figured i should give her one more shot#last time i saw her she adked how i liked my anxiety meds#i said i love them. theyre helpful and have no side effects since my body got used to them#and i said i explicitly didnt like ky old ones cuz of how they made me feel#she prescribed the old ones and said i should just tey taking a smaller dose. even though im on meds i like#but the bigger problem is#we went over all my previous medications. ive been on several. a lot of antidepressants especially which is really bad for bipolar#the worst antidepressant cause pericarditis (swelling around my heart) that made me go to the emergency room#we went over that. i told her everything i just told you#my bipolar leans heavily into the depression so she decided to tey another antidepressant along with my mood stabilizer#can you guess which antidepressant she prescribed? can you??#and i didnt realize it at the time because she called it the generic name so i couldnt explain she shiuldnt prescribe me that#and i meant to callher about it but it completely slipped my mind and i thought i had more time#and then suddenly my appointment is tomorrow#or the other thing she recommended was lithium. which feels like wuite an escalation#eapecially since she said it can cause irreversible damage to (maybe remembering this wrong) my kidneys#like i feel like there must be a better option. none of which are anxiety meds i dont like. an antidepressant that sent me to the hospital#or something that could cause irreversible damage. like i feel like theres a better way#i also need to talk to her about setting up an adhd assessment#i had an assessment a few years ago in which i was told im 'too smart to have adhd'#calling adhd people not smart is bullshit. you cant be too smart to have adhd. and i feel like i was just dismissed because im female#he said he wished he could score as hugh as i did on the knowledge tests#man me too. maybe then you wiuldnt be such an idiot. how did you get a license to practice. how did you pass any higher education#are you just a random guy that walked in off the street? i refuse to call him a doctor#i call him a quack or by his full name because i don't think he deserves the respect of that title#what was i talking about. oh yeah trying another assessment with an actual doctor this time#wish me luck with my appointment tomorrow bcuz she might try to kill me again#or dismiss my concerns of adhd like she dismissed my dislike for my old anxiety meds#im in hell. being mentally ill is hell a little bit#actually its not. im fine with my mental illness. im not fine with how doctors treat me because of it
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
*chants in increasing volume* ghost AU ghost AU GHOST AU GHOST AU
#dolphin noises#wips#I love me a good ghost AU 😭💜🎉😁#Timeline-wise I'm thinking maybe Cedric succeeding in his coup and Asbel arriving at the catacombs too late#Asbel passing right by ghost!Richard like a reversal of that iconic richass shot in the opening~#initially only Sophie can see his spirit due to her own enhanced capabilities#and Asbel can see him when they're all 3 holding hands a la Friendship Pact ��💜💛#but ghost AUs are pretty much inherently tragic since someone's already dead#and if you play this one right you don't even need Lambda. One malevolent spirit is plenty 🙃#Asbel feels guilty for being unable to protect Richard in time but gets a chance to redeem himself this way#by helping Richard with his unfinished business that keeps him from moving on#Initially it's to ensure that his kingdom is not left in Cedric's hands (and maybe get a little revenge)#but Richard's own resentment twists him into wanting to take back EVERYTHING he's lost including things he simply can't get back#Richard's nature turns vampiric as he needs more and more eleth to sustain his continued half existence eventually targeting the valkines#And Asbel who had been so ready to give anything to help Richard realizes his beloved friend is crossing a line. people are getting hurt.#Thus the theme of the story shifts from 'protecting the will to live' to 'learning when to let go'#Poor Asbel having to learn this lesson first. That the best thing he can do for Richard is stop indulging his tainted wishes#and instead grieve together w him over what could have been then move on. It wasnt fair it wasnt kind but neither is what Richard's doing#it's basically the canon story except instead of saving richard and bringing him back it's saving richard and letting him go#it's angsty and bittersweet AF which is how you can tell it's PEAK dolphin AU 😅 themes of grief and loss and loneliness#helping someone who's lost themselves to obsessive love#'cause that's where Richard's anger comes from. the loss hurts so much because he cared so much. he wanted to fix the world then LIVE in it#dammit this is a half-baked idea and im already weeping 😭
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
My parents should be fuckin ashamed
#you borrow 80 bucks then can only find me 21 back then i put that 21 into good for your kids then spend the rest of my paycheck getting#diapers pull ups medicine more food for kids and then i fill up the 15 passenger van and then when dad asks why i don't have money to eat#on my lunchbreaks at work like I'm some over spending wild irresponsible bitch when he's the one going to concerts and paying for fancy dat#s and jewelry for his gf and buying groceries for her but you know it's fine#take all my time and energy#so that i literally am a zombie and fall asleep on the very very very limited free time i get#(after doin extra chores to earn said free time)#wo that i fall asleep half way in which isn't fair to my partner and isn't fair to me#take all my income so i cant afford anything#take all my time#take all my energy#YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED YOU GROOMED ME AND MESHED THE FAMILY'S ENTIRE LIFE STYLE FOR ME TO BE LIKE THIS#I CANT MAKE HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS BECAUSE I JUST CAN NOT FUNCTION IF I'M NOT GIVING EVERYTHING TO SOMEONE#IT SUCKS I HATE IT#THEY'LL NEVER ADMIT THEY FUCKED ME OVER#EVER#THEY'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT OR CHANGE#AND I HAVE NO HOPE FOR ANY CHANGES#MY LITTLE SIBLINGS SEE WHAT I DO FOR THEM AND THEY HUG ME AND TELL ME HOW MUCH THEY LIVE ME#'thank you so much for taking care of us' that tell me all the time 'you do so much for us'#it breaks my heart i wish i could give them the world i love them so much they deserve so much better#my mom lost her chance to be decent my dad better learn soon otherwise all his kids minus his favorite will hate him#i love ny parents#and i know they live me and my siblings#but they groomed me into the most miserable personification of elder daughter syndrome and they should be ashamed for what they've done#and be ashamed that they sucked so bad that they're own child had to step up
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
my mum: stopped me at every opportunity I asked to come see my dying grandpa bc ‘you don’t want to see him like this’ even tho I already had seen him and he had been happy to see me after years estranged from that side of the family and I very much wanted to fit as much time with him in as possible before it was too late and in the end she blocked me from all of it
also my mum: you never came to see your grandpa, you don’t give a shit
and now my mum yet again: won’t let me come see my gran who has been losing weight and falling and breaking bones a lot and been in and out of hospital since being on her own. Didn’t let me go talk to gran when we were both at my great aunt’s funeral last year and so I never saw her and she only found out I was there through other people who saw me. Refuses every time I ask to see my gran, including now when I’ve got presents for her
also my fucking mum right now in the same breath as refusing to allow me to come over: you never come to see your gran, you don’t give a shit
make it make fucking sense jfc
#Never mind the fact that the way my mum and aunt and cousins act about my gran it feels like I’m the only one who DOES give a shit#I’m the one crying and feeling bad for her and wishing I could do more#while my mum and aunt bitch about each other and refuse to coordinate to find an arrangement that works bc they don’t talk#And no-one believes me bc of the years we spent estranged from the family#which was largely bc of my mum being Fucking Terrifying and my aunt a manipulative bitch#I’m so pissed off. I wanted to mend things with papa bc when everyone else had acted like fools he had been fine#and he didn’t deserve to lose contact with us for all this years and I wanted him to know we love him before he was gone#and my aunt and cousin walked us out of the cancer centre the second time I tried to see him so I only got one actual session with him#and now I can’t reach my gran who has been lonely and declining bc of the grief and loneliness#and I’m fucking pissed bc yeah my gran did some batshit stuff in the past#and it was all a big mess but I still don’t want her to feel like I don’t cherish all the good times I spent with her as a kid#before everything went sour. You couldn’t keep me away from them as a kid. I loved spending my holidays there#some of my fondest childhood memories were with them and I hate that things got ruined but I just#want to make up for lost time and let bygones be bygones and yet everything remains complicated
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
need to kms and laugh while i do it
#FUCK i hate grief. i don't know man#talkin tag#HE WAS SO GOOD!!!! HE WAS SO GOOD AND I WISH HE WAS STILL HERE!!!! AND I HOPE THE GRIEF NEVER LEAVES MY HEART#I HOPE I GRIEVE EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THE STARS. I HOPE I GRIEVE AT SUNRISE. AND SUNSET. AND MIDDAY AND MIDNIGHT#I HOPE THE GRIEF SITS AND SITS AND STAYS. I HOPE THE LOVE IS NOT WASTED#fuck. FUCK#everything is terrible and i hate all my friends and i wish i was gone and i wish none of this happened#but everything is not terrible because the sun shone today. and i don't hate my friends but i wish they hated me.#and i don't wish i was gone because i have so much love to give. and i have hopes and dreams and i have a younger self that was so lonely#and i need to help her. and i need to show her that she was wrong for hating life. and i need to show her that she can be loved deeply#and i don't wish none of this happened. because then i never would've met my best friend or my boyfriend. and i never would've started#writing or making art. and i never would've found the same joys. but oh fuck i wish it didn't hurt so much#i run from the grief and it doesn't chase me but sometimes i turn the wrong corner and i am overwhelmed by its intensity#he was so good. he was so good. he was the best. he had so so SO much joy. i wish#...#i wish. i wish#... i wish he had more time. i wish i had more time. i wish i had more agency more strength more more more#everything. i wish i was more. and then i could stop it. and i could stop my best friend hurting. and i could make sure everyone loved me#and i could pass all my exams. and save myself. and save my friends. and save my people. and save the world#but i am only a child. and i can't do any of those things#and i suppose that means my grief comes from a feeling of helplessness. and that will never go away#sigh.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
writing an email in response to a very kind garden historian who has sent me so much information, and im paranoid that 1) i cant write well or clearly, 2) that im writing an email that is so long and boring, and 3) i just feel it might be unnessecary. or maybe im making unjust claims (except im not really claiming anything im just saying 'theres evidence that points to x instead of y') but ive never properly studied history or researched like this so i do feel a bit out of my depth
#but it is fun#basically im trying to condense a huge fuck off folder of research notes that i spent all of thurday going through#and its so confusing because everyone has the same name and also jc loudon keeps making mistakes#essentially everything can once again be blamed on victorian horticulture. when isnt that the case honestly.#loudon wrote so prolifically and the reason he could write so much is that he just didnt give a fuck if he made a mistake#so now i nearly 170 years on am having to consult research notes from the 70s to make sense of his mistake#also i blame tait who basically just took what loudon wrote as fact and then people seemed to copy him#so now one of the guys im researching has been recorded as living on the other side of the city#ok actually maybe im being mean. but also tait should have checked his sources on this one#but [redacted researcher name] has got my back and she has helped me so much#unfortunately she died some time ago because i would have loved to have met her#reading through her notes and letters to and from friends was really touching#because they went from 'hi heres the info you wanted' to 'hi how are you so lovely to have you for dinner my wife sends her best wishes too#in the space of only a couple of years :')#anyway im rambling at this point because my brain feels like scrambled egg thats been electrocuted
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
gonna scream and cry actually
also shoutout to this iterator playlist for going so hard and being the thing i loop for hours on end
(more in the tags cause i'm a coward)
#screaming crying throwing up#pebbles i am not as strong as moon#i dont think i could forgive you#but gods#thats so argh!!! im gonna scream#was crying /not really to my friends about pebbles in saint's campaign just last night#was sobbing over the moon and pebbles rubicon dialogue again too#but also like aaa five pebbles how could you but also i get it#how could you do this and you were so far in#any lost ground would have felt like failure to you#and when you have spent your everything to work towards that#when you have damned yourself and the ones you love to pain and suffering and isolated yourself so entirely#you could not possibly back down or give up until it was too late#it is that he was once a god and also a child#and now he is in the cold and the snow#and although he cannot feel it we wish to give him lampterns and warmth and company#and so we sit while he plays a distorted song he does not remember#and if you freeze he asks why you stayed#also i think that by the time of rivulet's campaign pebbles has accepted that what he did was horrid and hurt so many and i think that is#one of the times he acts truly selflessly (at least in canon)#because he has killed his big sister#for a goal that he failed at because of he desperate plea to live#and how could you not hate yourself after that how could you bare to face her#so you send her your heart in hopes that you may make a small small dent in the anger and hurt and pain you have caused#pebbles please forgive yourself#it is the only way to heal#but he will be nothing but a puppet without strings by the end#with barely enough consciousness to talk
3K notes
·
View notes