#so i know its ok rationally but everything was so awful today that my brain went into doom mode

[scentofpines]

in class today i felt so incredibly out of place again, why does it have to be so hard for me? and, i like this girl, but every single time we have class she mentions her "autism" while happily chatting with 3+ ppl at a time, completely effortless, while im sitting there, staring and trying to focus enough to even understand the conversation bc there is so much noise around me that i feel like i'm about to either explode or shut down completely and i feel like an alien trying my best to somehow socialize and understand what is going on and really to just get through this.

[pesterloglog]

Vriska Serket, Meenah Peixes

Act 6, page 7688-7690

(VRISKA): You know, I've got to say.

(VRISKA): I've really turned around on horses.

MEENAH: wha

(VRISKA): Horses.

(VRISKA): I used to h8 them.

(VRISKA): Remem8er?

(VRISKA): I developed this weird superstition a8out them, a8out how they're cursed or something, and when they're around, they can only lead to 8ad things happening.

(VRISKA): Don't you remem8er how I was going on and on a8out that a while ago, at the amusement park?

MEENAH: oh

MEENAH: guess so

(VRISKA): 8ut we've 8een hanging around them a while now, and everything's 8een fine.

(VRISKA): More than fine, actually!

(VRISKA): So yeah, horses are ok in my 8ook.

(VRISKA): What do you think, Meenah?

MEENAH: aboat what

(VRISKA): Horses!!!!!!!!

MEENAH: ummmm

MEENAH: they ok

MEENAH: kinda dumb and smelly

MEENAH: be makin like

MEENAH: fucked up sounds out their big ass snouts an floppy lips

(VRISKA): Yeah.

(VRISKA): Reminds me of the weird sounds that used to come from my neigh8or's hive at weird hours of the night.

MEENAH: the fuck

(VRISKA): Don't even ask, 8ecause I don't know.

(VRISKA): So enough a8out stupid animals, whose presence have no rational explan8tion anyway.

(VRISKA): What do you want to do today?

MEENAH: today?

(VRISKA): Yeah!

MEENAH: there is no today

(VRISKA): You know what I mean!

(VRISKA): Within the am8iguous timeframe that would loosely correl8 with a single rot8tion of a planet.

(VRISKA): Any ideas?

MEENAH: na

(VRISKA): Come on!

(VRISKA): We can't just spend all our "days" hanging out in this idyllic, 8izarrely paletted cliffscape with all these stinking idiot quadrupeds.

(VRISKA): We should go exploring some more 8u88les!

MEENAH: we explored an awful lot already

MEENAH: aint they sorta all the same by now

(VRISKA): I mean, roughly speaking, yeah. They're all ar8itrary memory collages I guess.

(VRISKA): 8ut there's always something new to see every time.

(VRISKA): Whose ridiculous memory will we visit next????????

(VRISKA): Like, some nutty version of Kanaya who 8ecame a god tier in some totally ludicrous version of our session?

(VRISKA): Or may8e a version of John who never even played the game at all? May8e he went outside to look for the game, and his fatherly lusus 8acked over him with his car?

(VRISKA): Or what a8out your friends? They're always fun!

(VRISKA): Like Nepeta's ancestor... the deaf one? She's a riot! Plus she has a fascin8tingly dark history which her memories always seem to hint at.

(VRISKA): Or Eridan's douchier clone. I KNOW you have a gr8 time whenever you get the chance to own him.

(VRISKA): So what do you say?

MEENAH: eh

MEENAH: i dunno

(VRISKA): 8ut you seem kinda 8ored! If you're 8ored, doesn't it make sense to get out and try to have fun?

MEENAH: not reely

(VRISKA): 8ut...

(VRISKA): Why?

MEENAH: cause it doesnt sound that fun

MEENAH: just sounds like the same shit as always

MEENAH: like

MEENAH: exactly like dreams

(VRISKA): Dreams?

MEENAH: they ARE dream bubbles after all

(VRISKA): Yeah.

(VRISKA): 8ut... I don't...

MEENAH: dreams are also like a crazy fantasy ride full of fake shit that makes no sense

MEENAH: its a great time in theory

MEENAH: and i guess when youre younger its fun

MEENAH: maybe you even look forward to sleepin

MEENAH: to see what the great mr sandclam has in store for you next

MEENAH: but after sweeps and sweeps of dreamin

MEENAH: you get used to it

MEENAH: its just the same bogus crap yer stupid brain is just shuffling up and serving you again and again

MEENAH: so you stop paying attention and just ride out your sleep

MEENAH: then get back to business in the real world like a legit person with cool plans

(VRISKA): Huh.

(VRISKA): I don't think I've had the same experience, honestly.

(VRISKA): Sounds like kind of a 8ummer, to look at dreaming that way.

(VRISKA): I always liked dreaming! I mean, unless they were awful dreams, which was... fairly often.

(VRISKA): 8ut I'd never say I really got 8ored of them.

MEENAH: yeah well

MEENAH: you are uh

MEENAH: a bit younger than me

(VRISKA): I am?

(VRISKA): Hm.

(VRISKA): Yeah, I guess so. I never thought a8out it!

MEENAH: then again

MEENAH: we fuschia ladies

MEENAH: we sorta have to get used to being around people younger than us over our full lives

MEENAH: like

MEENAH: much younger 38\

MEENAH: or at least id have to if i was actually alive

(VRISKA): I guess you're right a8out that too.

(VRISKA): That's pretty fucked up to think a8out, actually. That if you were alive, you'd have to deal with existing nearly forever.

(VRISKA): Almost as fucked up as the fact that you have to exist nearly forever while dead, too!

MEENAH: mmm

(VRISKA): Hey.

MEENAH: ?

(VRISKA): Are you ok?

MEENAH: yup

(VRISKA): You seem really down.

MEENAH: no im cool

(VRISKA): Are you sure?

MEENAH: meh

MEENAH: maybe not

MEENAH: dont matter

(VRISKA): What's wrong?

MEENAH: nofin

(VRISKA): Argh!

(VRISKA): You know you can talk to me, right?

MEENAH: yeah

(VRISKA): So tell me!

MEENAH: i dunno whats wrong

MEENAH: id tell you if i knew

(VRISKA): Are you depressed?

MEENAH: shrug

(VRISKA): It sounds to me like you may 8e depressed a8out something.

(VRISKA): Or just... in general?

MEENAH: i dont knooooow

MEENAH: damn fishska

(VRISKA): Hey, it's ok to 8e depressed.

(VRISKA): I think just 8ecause you're dead, that doesn't necessarily let you off the hook from having psychological pro8lems.

(VRISKA): I'm pretty sure I proved that to myself on more than one occasion already. :::;)

MEENAH: yeaaah

(VRISKA): So talk to me! May8e I can help!

MEENAH: yergh

(VRISKA): What's the 8ig deal?

MEENAH: i dooont

MEENAH: WAAANNA 38(

(VRISKA): Sigh. Meenah...

MEENAH: wut??

MEENAH: im not good at

MEENAH: like

MEENAH: talkin

MEENAH: about me

(VRISKA): That's all you ever talk a8out!

MEENAH: no i mean

MEENAH: in a non aggrandizing way

(VRISKA): Oh.

VRISKA: *Cough.*

[holykillercake]

Hazy Justice - 02

01 03

pairing: Cop!Smoker x MilitaryDoctor!Reader

word count: 2k

summary: After eight years serving your country in a war, you returned to your hometown as the new head of Trauma Surgery in one of the best hospitals in the country. You were expecting a calmer life now, but suddenly you see yourself choosing between your brain and your heart, light and dark, justice and evil.

notes: I guess you saw the gif already! We have the introduction of a new character!

𝕷𝖊𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖘, 𝖗𝖊𝖖𝖚𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖘, 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊!

Stiff neck and a headache. This is what you get for sleeping on your living room floor. 

You took a quick shower and some painkillers before heading for another day of work. On your silent drive towards the hospital, your mind ran through various things. 

The first being the list of your patients, the ones you had to check upon first, their conditions, and find out the attending who took care of them during the night, ask them about possible complications and current situation. 

The second subject hovered your head as more of a question, though. Had you finally met your neighbor, or was it just a dream, the result of your exhausted state? 

You spotted a cute restaurant when you stopped at the red light, perhaps you´d have lunch there today, it was near the hospital, and the place gave you a ¨good food¨ vibe. 

The image of the man you dreamed about wandered its way back into your thoughts, despite your difficulty of seeing a perfect picture. His hair was actually the only thing you were sure about. White, a single lock was falling on his forehead, but it didn´t look like it was meant to be there. Maybe it was just ¨end of the day¨ hairstyle. 

You parked your car on your designated spot and looked around the parking lot. It was the first time you´ve seen it so crowded. It made sense, though. 

A yellow Jaguar drove in a couple of minutes after you did, and since that was the only yellow car you had seen so far, and you spot the small white stuffed bear hanging on the mirror, you knew it was Law. 

He left his car and walked over to you with a strange expression.

¨Y/N-ya, what are you doing here?¨ always so straight to the point.

¨Well, good morning, Law. How are you?¨ the man rolled his eyes, but you refused to answer until he learned how to talk to people properly. 

¨Morning, Y/N-ya. I´m good. What are you doing here?¨

¨What do you mean? I work here.¨ you gave him a duh face. 

¨Yeah, but not today.¨ your head tilted to the side ¨Today is your day off.¨

¨My day off?¨ you were so used to not having days off that it didn´t even cross your mind. You asked the HR person everything but days off. ¨What am I supposed to do on my day off?¨

¨I don´t know, Y/N-ya. Go explore the city or have some rest. Today you only get inside this hospital wounded or dead.¨ he said bitterly, patted your shoulder, and entered the building. 

The only thing besides work you had planned for the day was paying a visit to that cute restaurant, so it took you some good thinking to come up with a plan. Maybe Tashigi was free, and you two could do something together. 

<Mornin´ Tashigi! U free today?>

<Morning, Y/N-san! I just need to take somethings to the office then I´m free!>

<Do u mind if we meet there?>

<Of course not! Smoker-san will be there too I think. You said you wanted to meet him.>

<Perfect then! See you in a bit ~>

<See you, Y/N-san!>

Tashigi´s station was inside the Justice District, so it didn´t take long for you to reach it. The journey was peaceful, and the view was something to take note of. Beautiful leafy trees were strategically planted on the sidewalks, offering shadows for those who preferred to walk, no scratched paint in any house, store, or building. They all looked recently finished. The asphalt was shiny and without bumps or holes, making every car trip smooth.

You entered the Police Department and couldn´t help but feel a bit lost.

¨The new Commissioner made quite a few changes in the place.¨ you mumbled to yourself. 

Back in the day when Sengoku was the Chief of the Police Headquarters, the halls were lighter and brighter, the furniture was softer, and it smelled like spring - if that is possible. After he retired, a man named Sakazuki took his place, and to be honest, he seemed pretty decent, but he deals with justice differently, and the place shows. 

First, it was damn cold; the AC was making his money worth it; the smell was the second thing that hit you. The strong odor of bleach, the freezing temperature, and the morbid LEDs on the bleak grey ceiling made you feel like you were in a morgue. Everything else was made out of either leather or metal. 

This Sakazuki guy was definitely on the list of the people you didn´t want to meet. 

¨Hi, can you help me? I´m looking for-¨

¨Y/N-san!¨ Tashigi yelled, almost losing balance and falling on her face. 

¨Hey, careful there!¨ you hugged her. ¨You´re good to go?¨

¨Yeah, I just...¨ she turned her head around a couple of times, looking for something. She smiled and waved at someone ¨Smoker-san! Here!¨

The man was getting out of a room, sunglasses on and a cigar on his mouth. He was tall and seemed muscular under the leather jacket, but what caught your attention was his hair, the same white hair you remembered from last night. Only this time it was completely put back, no loose locks. 

The change in his expression made you think he had recognized you as well, and the thought of Tashigi´s boss being your front-door neighbor made you chuckle. 

¨That´s what I call a coincidence.¨ he said and took off the shades. You struggled not to gasp when his light-brown eyes met yours.

¨Right? I was so tired last night that I thought you were a dream.¨ you giggled, and he broke a smile. 

¨You know each other?¨ Tashigi asked.

¨We´re neighbors! It took a while for us to meet, though.¨ 

¨Tough week.¨ he touched the nape of his neck. 

¨Yeah, it was. We even saw you yesterday, Y/N-san!¨ the young officer said, confusing you ¨The Sora park, we were there too! But since you looked so busy, I didn´t want to interrupt.¨

So much happened, but you couldn´t recall anything. 

You just focused on starting the triage process. Determining the severity of the patient´s condition, assign a priority level, taking care of those who could be assisted in the local, and having the severely injured ones being sent to the hospital where you knew Marco would take good care of them. 

You were immensely wrong when you guessed that the triage process would be easier, thinking that the majority of the victims were fatalities.

 Apparently, the park was celebrating its 5th anniversary, so people from not only the different districts but other cities were all gathered in the park. 

¨Sorry, I didn´t... see you guys.¨ you said a little apologetic and lost. 

¨No apologies needed.¨ Smoker said ¨It was pretty intense. Although we were not supposed to spread knowledge of our presence in the scene.¨ he gave her a disguised rebuke, and you watched your friend get redder than a bell pepper, apologizing. 

You stared at each other for two seconds before you burst into laughter.

¨You´re still as clumsy as I remember, Tashigi.¨ you wiped a few tears ¨But don´t worry, this information dies with me.¨ you turned to Smoker, and he nodded, trusting you as a military. 

¨S-Should we go, Y/N-san?¨ 

¨Yes, of course! Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Smoker.¨ 

¨Pleasure is all mine, Y/N.¨ you shook hands again, staring each other in the eyes. 

His eyes slowly traveled to your lips, and you noticed that you were biting it, blushing more than Tashigi. 

¨Well, see you, then!¨ you let go of his hand and rushed to the door. 

¨Y/N,¨ you turned with an audible hm? and raised brows ¨knock if you need anything.¨ you nodded and smiled. 

¨Will do.¨ 

~

¨I´ll have the Kenafa, please.¨ Tashigi told the waiter with so much of a look in the menu. 

The cute restaurant you drove by earlier was called Terracota, and it was specialized in foreign cuisine. Even with the names and ingredients, you couldn´t figure out something you´d like, so you decided to order the same thing as the officer. 

¨That´s what eight years of ration do to you.¨ you joked.  

¨What have you been eating these days?¨ 

¨Whatever they have on the menu at the hospital. Sandwiches, pasta, sandwiches, sandwiches, chocolate bars, sandwiches...¨ you laughed ¨Haven´t had time to think about cooking yet.¨

¨Take outs are simpler, right?¨ you nodded ¨So, what do you think about Smoker-san?¨ 

¨Looks decent, polite, hard worker-¨

¨Aw, come on, Y/N-san! That´s not what I asked!¨ she gave you a suggestive look ¨He´s not taken, you know.¨

You open and closed your mouth a couple of times, words refusing to come out.

¨What? Tashigi!¨

¨I´m just saying!¨ she held her hands up, defending herself in the middle of giggles ¨But seriously, Y/N-san, I think he liked you too.¨

¨Ok, first, I never said I liked him, and second, I just got here. Can´t really think about this stuff.¨ 

¨Well, you should consider, at least. He doesn´t go out a lot, so...¨ she prolonged the last word ¨...maybe it was fate that put you two as neighbors.¨ you scoffed.

¨You believe in this stuff?¨

¨I do. Sometimes we see some crazy things...¨ her expression frowned ¨...it helps if I believe in fate. And the reason behind things... you know?¨ you nodded when she looked at you, even though you didn´t.

For your salvation, the waiter came back with the amuse-bouche, breaking the uncomfortable moment.

 You didn´t want to tell her that you stopped believing that everything happens for a reason a long time ago.

¨But you said you have a brother here, right? Have you seen him already?¨

¨Unfortunately, no. He´s out of town now, so I´ll have to wait. God, I miss him so much!¨ a smile grew on your lips with the idea of seeing him again. 

¨Oh yeah, you told me he runs businesses. Do you know the names? Maybe I know or visited before, or even know him!¨

¨Of course! There´s the Casino Verde, the Hotel Verde and a restaurant called Suna. I´ve never be-¨ 

The girl in front of you turned purple as she choked on her food, a raucous cough called everyone´s attention while one hand covered her mouth and the other smacked her chest. 

¨Y-Your brother is C-Crocodile?¨ she asked with a hushed voice, still trying to fight her food from coming out. 

You were expecting her to know him, but the explosive noodle reaction caught you a little off guard. 

¨Yeah... are you ok?¨ you offered her a napkin which she gladly accepted.

¨I´m sorry about this, it´s just...¨ she paused a bit, brows furrowing while her fingers tore the napkin you gave her. Then she took a deep breath and recomposed herself ¨... he´s very famous, you know? He basically runs the Light District!¨

You knew he was rich and powerful, but to say that he ran the most extravagant district was a surprise. A good one, though. You couldn't help but feel proud of him. 

You remember all the sacrifices he made when you were two just kids lost in this world. All the humiliating jobs he´d work at to buy you food. The pain of having his childhood taken from him at such young age. 

He became a man to protect you. He never let anything or anyone hurt you, he never let you starve even if that meant he´d be going to sleep with nothing but a glass of tap water in his stomach.

You felt a burning sensation on your nose, and your eyes started to water, bringing a genuine smile to rise on your lips and tears roll down your cheeks. You didn´t mind it, though. You were too happy.

¨Yeah... he is my brother.¨ 

[tamhrayis]

r u already physically and mentally ok? bc i am still not feeling very good. the ending is the only thing i can think of, however much i try to distract myself from that. i still cant properly eat and sleep. i still cry a lot. i still have stomach ache and have trouble consuming food. i still cant concentrate on anything bc my mind constantly thinks about aot ending. i am one of those people who think ending was average (like it wasnt satisfactory enough, but also not terrible). the thing is that i really wanted to see EM happy together in the end. my brain costantly thinks about how brutally Mikasa had to kill Eren and how she sits under that tree next to his grave and misses him... this just hurts so much. like my rational part tries to tell myself that it is only a fiction, it is not real so i shouldnt make such a fuss around that, but my emotional part (which is now unfortunatelly much stronger) can't let it go... like i have now even a problem to watch anything related to aot. like when i go on youtube and it recommends me some aot videos i cant even bring myself to click on them without them triggering even more pain in me... idk i got probably so attached to EM and wanted to really see them happy together after everything they went through that this ending hurt me in the worst possible way. i want to move on with my life so it wont hurt me anymore, but i just cant because my mind always slips to EM and their ending (which triggers even more pain) and also i am not in any other "fandom" except aot so i dont even have big passion for anything else where i could "escape" from aot. i tried to watch some movies yesterday and today as a distraction, but it still didnt help bc my mind always goes back to aot ending... like i feel mentally and physically really awful and i want it to stop but i dont know what to do. it is like i have no control over it. do u have any advice what to do to stop feeling so bad? how much time do u think its gonna take until i will feel normal again? if you or any of your followers have any advice what to do or just some comfort words - they are very much appreciated. thanks for hearing me out and im sorry for the long ask i just needed to tell and ask someone and u seem like a very nice person. <3

Anon, I am very sorry for how you feel these days. I totally understand and I also want you to recover as soon as possible.

Your state really reminds me of how I felt when ch.138 came out. I didn’t cry that much, but maybe...it was because of the leaks I’ve read before the chapter or just how I lived during that time. I couldn’t normally eat, sleep and simply function, because every time I did something, it just ended up being another breathing exercise session, because I really couldn’t get myself to do something without thinking about ch.138.

But instead of checking social media and trying to find a distraction in my phone, I just tried to distance myself from it. One of the things that really helped me to cope was...cleaning😂 I don’t know how it will be for you, but cleaning really distracted me and eased my mind. Also, on the day when ch.138 was officially released, i needed to go outside with my friend and tbh, these two really helped me to deal with the anxiety. I took me a full week to recover, but nevertheless...I just tried to find some ways to think about something else. I also did my school work, talked to my friends, watched another animes and just continued to live.

As for how I am still mentally and physically okay...I am just that type of person who is used to let things go. Be it people leaving my life, materialistic stuff that I lose or how things don’t go my way, I just don’t feel as sad about it as I used to, because nothing is permanent in this world and everything has an end. I knew that AoT will end someday and I used to tell myself that no matter what kind of ending it will be, I will be okay.

It’s not like “I will accept any crappy ending”, but more like “I know that Isayama won’t scrap his work and no matter what he does, it’ll be meaningful”. I knew that getting a happy-go-lucky ending won’t be possible as I used to think, and maybe that was my fault for believing it...But I am happy with this ending, because it wasn’t closed and precise enough.

As for Mikasa, I see where you are coming from, but Mikasa didn’t brutally killed him. She finally freed him from the burden of this world. Yes, it would be so great if they lived together, had a family and just spend the rest of their lives as they wished for.

But realistically, knowing how many problems Eren’s existence will bring and their conscientious nature...They still wouldn’t find peace, because as Armin mentioned that even if titans stopped to exist, it doesn’t mean that the world will just come to peace. No, they will need to work and create that peace by themselves, but again, Eren’s life would be full of responsibilities and burden all over again.

If the writing was different and Isayama made his story a little more hopeful in some ways...I think we would get something different, but that’s only my speculations.

I genuinely want you to get better and be happy again! You’re amazing and loved. Thank you for sharing. I feel very touched🤧

[kosmosian-quills]

Bad to Worse

A very poorly written thing because I’m tired and tried to finish this for today. It also is probably not going to get used in the final version, but I wanted it written anyway.

Anyway, meet Tomasz! I have @cirianne to thank for the creation of this kind boy. I’M SORRY I HAD TO GET THIS OUT OF ME OK.

WIP: Angel

POV: Tomasz

Date: Monday, May 4th 2026

If exam preparations have taught me one thing, it’s that I really should listen to past me when they say go to bed on time, because it is now 8:52am, and I am going to be late for class if I don’t hurry up.

I look a mess, I know, I’m wearing yesterday’s jeans, a t shirt I found on the top of my clean clothes pile, and my backpack is slung over my shoulder as I hurried to grab it on my way out of the halls. I hadn’t even had the chance to grab anything real for breakfast yet. Urgh, I can’t be like this. Not when I have an exam tomorrow. I should be better than this.

It’s fine, calm down. I think I’ve still got that chocolate bar in my bag from yesterday. That’ll do until I can grab something else later.

The journey from halls to my lecture hall isn’t that far, about a 10 minute walk at most, but if I run like I am now, I can probably be there for just about 9am. I hope.

I had been awake until almost 4am this morning, so I’m running on nothing but will power at the moment. I’ve been so carefully diligent with my work this year, I don’t know why I thought studying at 3am was a good idea. I know that it isn’t an option tonight, not when one of my final exams is tomorrow morning. 9am sharp!

I make it into the lecture hall with barely a minute to spare, and find my seat with my friends, already seated and waiting.

“Running late, Tomasz?” Heidi smirked as I practically threw my bag down beside my seat, panting like a dog.

“I am not late, thank you very much,��� I replied. “Class hasn’t started yet, has it?”

“Close enough,” Bruno nodded in the direction of the door, tapping his pen against his notebook, where the Professor was just coming into the room. “What did you do, sleep in?”

“Maybe, maybe not. I’m here, and that is what matters,” I pulled out my laptop, turning it on and tapping it impatiently. I really need an upgrade for this, but it’s all I can afford at the moment. It does its job well enough, just when I am a little more punctual.

I settle into the rhythm of the lecture quickly enough, sat with the friends I’ve come to know and learn with for the past seven months.

The time does pass ridiculously quickly during these formal-informal study sessions in preparation for our exams, but even I was surprised that Heidi actually looked at her phone when it buzzed.

Heidi was a student from southern Germany, somewhere bordering Austria I think. She’s a lovely girl, even if she is easily distracted. I can’t fault her though, she does well in classes and tests.

Bruno is quite the opposite. He is normally the one telling us to stop slacking and get studying. He’s technically German, but his family lived over in Kosmos for a few years when he was younger. I have to say, it’s very comforting to have someone from home here, even though he and his family left a few years ago.

She passes her phone aside to me, whispering aside “Look, Tomasz. You’ve still got family over there, right?”

The screen was a breaking news report, something that had happened in the last ten minutes.

Terrorist attack in Kosmosian capital.

I took it from her, skimming through the article. An explosion rocked the main street in the capital city as the citizens partake in their independence day festivities… there are dozens of confirmed casualties and at least 7 deaths…

Explosion. Casualties. Deaths!

Oh, no!

Terrorist attacks in my country are virtually unheard of. I don’t think there has been one, ever! At least, in my lifetime. What is going on there? I had totally forgotten that today was the Flower Festival, especially since my attempts at staying up until the early hours of this morning, but that’s a despicable strategy in order to ensure a lot of victims. Everyone is out in the streets today, it’s tradition for many of them.

“Not… in the capital, thankfully. But that’s awful.” I whispered, being careful not to distract the other students here.

That’s not entirely true though. I don’t have family there, true.

“I’ve got a friend there, in the capital.”

“Maybe you should give them a call?”

“She won’t have her phone, she’s not allowed it during the day,” I tell her as I pull out my phone, scrolling through my instant messages to find her contact. Słoneczka, I have her noted as, the picture is of her smiling back at me, taken the day she left Obokplaży before she started her shiny new job.

“Not allowed? Why wouldn’t she be allowed her phone?” Bruno joined in.

“She works for the Royal family. It’s kind of, a rule. She’ll see it later, I’m sure.” I told them as I started typing my message. Hey, Słoneczka. I saw the news, I hope everything’s okay over there. Stay safe.

I feel awful that I don’t try and call her, but I know it’s useless to even try. She just won’t be able to answer the call, so there’s no point. I hope she’ll see my message later, though. Maybe she’ll be allowed her phone to call her parents when things have calmed down, and she’ll see my message then.

“Oh yeah, I remember you saying. She’ll be fine. They’ve got tonnes of security, though, right?”

“Yeah, yeah…” I murmured, waiting for the confirmation that the message had been successfully delivered. It had.

I sent a message to my parents too, even though they’re home in Obokplazy, so I know they’ll be safe, but I wanted to be sure. It’s a terrible thing to happen.

“Tomasz, if you need to go, just go,” Heidi whispered to me, obviously aware that I hadn’t been paying attention for the last few minutes.

“No, I’m fine, I’ll be fine.” I said dismissively, putting my phone away and finally getting back to my lecture.

--- 

Date: Monday, May 4th 2026

By the time our morning break arrived, it seemed more frightful news reared its ugly head.

Something had happened at the castle, it seemed, due to the sudden arrival of the military and the total communication breakdown. One of the most unifying days in our calendar and it’s chaos over there, it seems. The last update was over an hour ago, and we had heard no more.

All I can think about it Matylda, over there in that castle. Whatever’s going on, she’s in the thick of it. I find myself staring at the message I sent her – still unread, and I just wish she would answer me. The rational part of my brain knows that if something is going on inside the castle, her last priority will be returning to her bedroom to fetch her phone and answer a half-hearted text from me, sent when I wasn’t aware that this had happened. I am also aware that even if she had her phone, the chances of her calling me are slim. I know what she’s like, she’ll call her parents first. In fact, should I call them? Should I just let them know that I am thinking about her? Ask them to let me know if they hear anything from her?

No, I shouldn’t. It would be rude and presumptuous of me. She’ll let me know in her own time, I’m sure. Besides, what Bruno said earlier is true. They’ve got the best security they could possibly have against any potential threat. She will be fine.

I still can’t shake the feeling, though, that something catastrophic has happened there. The radio silence is not helping either.

And of course this is happening around exam time.

There was one other Kosmosian national beside myself in our class, and she was shaken by the news, but her family live in Wgórach, so they’re safe from all the chaos. I’m thankful all the same that my family aren’t involved in any way.

Hey Słoneczka – I begin typing again – I hope you read this soon, and that everything is okay where you are.

I send the message before I even process what I wrote, and I am aware that the message I sent is probably… not the best way to end that.

I mean, I know it’s not. But I hope you and everyone else is alright. Let me know when you can.

The messages are still left unread, marked “Delivered”. It seems like an insult, mocking me, that I don’t know any more. Damn it, I’m worried about her. I haven’t seen her in almost a year, and I hope that the events over there haven’t taken her away from me. Of course I’ve spoken with her, and had conversations with her, but it’s not the same.

I don’t want to say there was something special in that kiss she gave me, because I am probably thinking too much into it, but there was something. The way she had stood on her tiptoes just to reach my cheek, and how scared she looked afterwards. I remember being stunned by her action, and could do no more to make her feel better than to return the kiss.

It was wonderful to share that with her. I just hope she’s okay.

---

Date: Monday, May 4th 2026

By the time 4pm rolls around – a whole 6 hours since the first reports of a terrorist attack – things have gone from bad, to very bad.

The headline this time is simple.

Kosmosian monarchy overthrown.

---

Date: Tuesday, May 5th 2026

I tried to focus on my exam, I truly did, but I knew it was a lost cause all the same. I was too distracted from the task at hand. I had hoped that my endless studying would prove an effective enough way to keep me occupied until things had calmed down, but it’s not working. It’s a plague eating at me, and I can’t help but worry about the implications.

Heidi thinks I shouldn’t even try the exam, not when all this is going on, but I wanted to give it a try anyway, hoping that the distraction is enough.

But it’s not, it’s really not.

Things were bad, over there. I promised myself that I wouldn’t read any news articles until after my exam, but that was a fruitless endeavour from the start. Someone who had read the news this morning said that the only airport in the entire country had been closed. No flights in or out. Same with the ports, no boats leaving the country anymore. Total radio silence too.

What is going on? It’s been totally closed off.

I really shouldn’t have tried to do this exam. I can’t think clearly. My mind is filled with these painful thoughts. I previously, naively, stupidly thought that my family would be okay because they aren’t in the capital, but now I am not so sure. Total isolation, and I haven’t heard a thing from them. Not even since yesterday.

The worst part of this is the implications for me now. I am a student here, yet still a Kosmosian national. I am expected to return home for the summer after term has ended, but that seems unlikely. That headline last night made sure to strike that fear into me, well and truly. How am I supposed to get home if they’ve closed the borders? Will I be allowed to stay here? Just what can I do from here, when my country is in turmoil just across the sea? Barely a two hour flight from here?

What about my parents? My friends? Matylda? I have no idea if they’re even alive. Matylda was there, she must still be in the castle, at best. She could be dead right now, if that takeover was as violent as the article sounded –

Stop it. Don’t think like that. She’s fine.

But it’s still sickening to think about. I can’t be here, but if I miss this exam I doubt I will have the student visa to allow me to stay. I have to at least try. Heidi and Bruno seem certain that I could have missed this exam with zero repercussions because of what’s happening, the turmoil, but as I said to them – I want distracting whilst everything calms down.

I don’t think that will be happening.

I should probably just admit to the professor what a terrible piece of work this essay is becoming. We’re barely an hour into this exam and it feels like I have been here for almost a day. My head is throbbing, and I can’t focus anymore on this.

I somehow managed to make it to the end of the exam, not that I am proud of the little I did write, but when I turned my phone back on, what I saw made me physically ill.

Someone had livestreamed what was going on, and a news reporter had picked it up. Just two hours ago, whilst I was still in that hall, was the live, public execution of the King.

The news station couldn’t show the actual regicide, of course, but it was more than enough for me to be sure of one thing.

Matylda is probably as dead as he is.

[brentrogers]

Podcast: Is Loneliness a Mental Health Issue?

  America is facing a loneliness epidemic, according to research. But what exactly is loneliness? Is it social isolation? A lack of intimacy? And importantly — is loneliness a choice? In today’s podcast, Gabe and Jackie tackle these difficult questions and share their own thoughts on loneliness and how it relates to mental health. Gabe also unveils the 7 different types of loneliness — one of these being “no-animal loneliness.” But is there really such a thing? Jackie is doubtful.

Tune in to hear a thoughtful and nuanced discussion of what it means to be lonely, and see if you can relate to one or more of the 7 types.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

        Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

    Computer Generated Transcript for “Loneliness- Mental Health” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week’s Not Crazy, I’d like to introduce my co-host who lives with depression, Jackie Zimmerman.

Jackie: And I’m going to introduce my co-host, Gabe, who lives with bipolar disorder.

Gabe: Jackie, people find it hard to believe that I am a lonely guy. And I think the reason that people find it hard to believe is because I’m surrounded by so many people. I’m married. I have a great co-host and friend in you. Whenever I’m seen out in public, I’m onstage or I’m giving speeches. They see my social media presence, which is really, really filled up. And they think there’s a guy that has a lot of people in his life, ergo not lonely.

Jackie: Well, I think that we live in a really interesting time right now, at a time when we are more connected than ever with social media, texting, video chats, all of these things, we would think that the opportunity for loneliness would be much smaller now. Right? We can connect anywhere at any time to anybody. But that’s not the case. Right? The stats about loneliness are kind of overwhelming right now.

Gabe: I have a saying that I can feel alone in a crowded room and I’m surprised at how often I say that, and people were like, me too, because again, we tend to think of loneliness only as not being surrounded by other people.

Jackie: I think this is a good place to throw in maybe a little bit of a definition or an interpretation of loneliness, because when we were talking about this episode and talking about like what is loneliness, what does it feel like? It’s really hard to define loneliness without saying lonely. It’s really, really hard to define exactly what it is. So this definition, I think is great, which says it’s the discrepancy between one’s desired level of connection and one’s actual level of connection, which I think is a really brilliant way to frame what loneliness is.

Gabe: That is a really brilliant way. But, Jackie, what’s your definition of loneliness?

Jackie: Ok, so full disclosure, I wrote this down and

Gabe: Cheater.

Jackie: I wrote it down. I

Gabe: Cheater.

Jackie: Wrote it down because.

Gabe: Cheater.

Jackie: Ok. I wrote it down because when I tried to talk about loneliness, I run out of words, I can’t describe it. It’s very sort of like it’s an emptiness in my brain that I just can’t, like, get out. So I wrote it down. And I think loneliness is like ultimate despair. It’s having so many thoughts and feelings that are desperate to get out of you, but feeling like you have to keep choking them down over and over. Loneliness is looking everywhere, anywhere for a helping hand, but keeping your eyes closed while you spin around feeling like nobody wants to help you. You can feel the presence of their hands, but can never feel their actual touch.

Gabe: I listened to everything that you said and I can acknowledge its beauty and I can hear the pain in your voice, and it has like a symbolism to it that maybe as a writer or a content creator, I just really, really respect. But I’m not connecting to you — like to you, Jackie. My definition of loneliness is that I feel that people don’t connect to me. I can be in a room with so many people, but I don’t feel like any of them like me. I don’t feel like any of them understand me. I don’t feel like any of them want to like or understand me. I think people are just kind of bouncing around my orbit, getting what they want for me and then moving on. In short, my definition of loneliness is a complete disconnect from the people around me. And my definition of extreme loneliness is a disconnect from the people around me who I should, in fact, not feel disconnected from. Like family or friends or my wife.

Jackie: Do you feel like if you reached out to those people, though, and you were like, hey, I really need to talk to you, they would listen?

Gabe: Oh, yeah. That’s what sucks about loneliness, right? It’s not about not talking to people. I think that there is this misconception that loneliness is social isolation. That’s nonsense. If loneliness was social isolation, every single person could defeat loneliness simply by leaving their house. Go to Burger King, go to McDonald’s, go to Starbucks, go to a restaurant. There’s gonna be people everywhere. Some of the loneliest people that I have ever talked to are surrounded by dozens of people every day via their jobs. They have families. They have children. We have to get away from this idea that loneliness is social isolation. Social isolation can certainly lead to loneliness. But social isolation just means that you are socially isolated. There are many people like, I don’t know, my grandfather. He could not lay eyes on another human for a week and he would not be one iota lonely. In fact, he’s annoyed when other people show up. He’s the opposite of Gabe.

Jackie: But the reason I asked you that is because in my definition of loneliness, I’m surrounded by people who are actively trying to help, right. I have my sister reaching out. I’ve got Adam. I’ve got friends who are like, hey, how’s it going? And I want to tell them what’s happening. But I feel like I can’t. It’s like I desperately want to share these awful feelings that I have, but I just feel like I can’t. And to me, that’s what loneliness is, is this wanting to share yourself with somebody and not being able to.

Gabe: I can agree with that. But let me take it a step farther. Do you feel empowered to tell them? No. Like you said, they’re reaching out and they want to help and you feel guilty for not letting them. But clearly, you don’t want their help. Isn’t that the ultimate in disconnect? I want to be so connected to somebody that when they say, oh, my God, Gabe, you’re so anxious and you’re so depressed and you’re clearly crying. What do you need? I can look up and say nothing. Please go away. And they say, I understand. I’ll come back in a couple of hours. Like, that’s the level that I want. What I have now is. What can I do to help you? Nothing. Are you sure? Let me do all of these things that you clearly don’t want, because I have no understanding of what you’re going through. So I’m just gonna do a whole bunch of Internet meme things to make you better. They’re trying to help. And now I feel guilty that I’m not accepting their help. But clearly, that’s proof. They don’t understand me because I don’t want their help and they don’t understand that.

Jackie: See, but I don’t feel guilty. Everything that is wrong with my brain is rooted in worth. So I feel like if they ask me how they can help. And I’m like, Oh, well, you could help me with all these things. Then I become a burden on them. And then they’re gonna be annoyed with me. And then they’re never going to ask if I want help again because they just wish that I would stop calling them. So it’s a lot of self isolation for sure, because I’m purposely pushing them away and purposely saying, I don’t want your help, but I don’t want their help because I’m afraid that by accepting their help, I’m going to eventually push them away. You know, it makes a whole lot of sense.

Gabe: One of the things that you’re describing there is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Jackie: Yes.

Gabe: You’re afraid to go down the road that might help you because it could push them away. But by refusing to go down that road, you’re just pushing them away sooner. The pushing away in the scenario that you described is actually on you because you’re just like, I don’t want to risk it. So I’m going to push you away now rather than potentially I could push you away later by accepting your help. Am I describing this correctly?

Jackie: Oh, 100 percent, and this is not a rational thought process. How many times we talked about like anxiety or depression? None of it makes sense. It’s not something that you’d go, Oh, yeah, I totally understand that. It just is completely irrational. But it brings me to a question that I think is really important based on this conversation and our differing experiences. Do you think loneliness is a choice?

Gabe: This is a really tough question for me to answer because here’s why… Yes, I absolutely think loneliness is a choice. Now, I can already hear the counter argument to that. Nobody understands me. I’m alone and people aren’t giving me what I want. I’m isolated. I don’t have the ability to make friends. I’m on and on and on and on. Oh, my God. That’s a really good point. So, no, no. Loneliness is not a choice. Now, I can already hear the counter argument to that. Well, you’re invited to parties and you don’t go. You get on dating apps to look for love. And you’re just you only will date supermodels who are 30 years younger than you and have PhD’s. You’re just not willing to accept anything. You literally shove people away, like in the example that you gave Jackie and then say, oh, I’m so lonely. In that case, it is a choice. So what do I do with that?

Jackie: You give me your opinion on whether or not loneliness is a choice.

Gabe: I think that loneliness can be a choice. I do. But here’s the thing that makes me not popular at parties. I think that depression can be a choice as well. And now everybody freaks out like, oh my God, depression is a medical disease. You don’t choose it. Who would choose this? Well, right? I completely agree with that. But there are things that you can do to make it better and you have a choice. People are like, well, it’s a really, really hard choice. I never said it was an easy choice. I said that there are things that we can do to improve our circumstances. Loneliness works that way, too. There are things that we can do to improve our circumstances. But man, I do have a really, really hard time looking at somebody like myself and being like, oh, you choose to be this way. That just sounds really fucked up to me. Like in a really, like, mean way. But at the same time, I want to tell Gabe 2.0, listen, you need to. You need to get out of the house. You need to accept the invite. You need to be open to the ideas. You need to have difficult conversations with your loved ones and tell them in no uncertain terms what you need and what you want. And if they don’t understand, you have to work harder to make them understand you have a choice to do that. So now I don’t know what to do. It’s empathy versus empowerment.

Jackie: I am in the camp that you always have a choice in everything, and a lot of people told me like, no, I didn’t have a choice to be chronically ill or I didn’t have a choice to get a flat tire or whatever. I don’t know. But I think you always have a choice. Sometimes your choices are two really shitty options, right? But you still get to pick one of them in most scenarios. In my version of loneliness, it almost always is a choice. It’s not a conscious choice. I’m not like actually saying like, yeah, this is better for sure. Let’s sit at home and not shower and hide under blankets for 10 days. I don’t really choose that, but subconsciously I am choosing it because I am not doing those things that I know will make it better. I’m not accepting invites. I’m not returning phone calls. I’m not getting the mail. You know, I’m just like existing quietly in a really awful way. And I think that if you experienced loneliness the way that I do, you being our listener, not you, Gabe, because you already said that you’re different. But if you, listener, experience loneliness the way that I do, I feel like you take part of the onus of this type of loneliness. You have to choose how to deal with it. And some days it might be being lonely and feeling awful and other days it might be going out of your comfort zone and returning a phone call.

Gabe: One of the things that I was surprised to learn in preparation for this show is that loneliness is not this all encompassing thing for everybody. Like it is for me. When I first heard about loneliness becoming like a chronic health issue, I was just like, wow, are there really that many Gabe Howards out there? And the answer is no. No, there’s not. And it’s certainly possible that you can be very satisfied and fulfilled in your home life, but feel very lonely at work, or you can feel very satisfied with your friendships and your family, but feel very lonely when it comes to romantic relationships. 

Jackie: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe: And we’re back, and the researchers have laid out seven different types of loneliness to kind of break it down into things. And Jackie, with your support and permission, I would love to read them.

Jackie: If you do it quickly, nobody got time for you to take a long time to read seven different types of loneliness.

Gabe: Seven is my favorite number, I’m always thinking of the number seven, so I feel like this is just really this is really set for me.

Jackie: It’s meant to be?

Gabe: It’s meant to be.

Jackie: You’re meant to read the types of loneliness?

Gabe: Yes. Here are the seven in no particular order and we’re going to discuss a couple of them when we’re done. Jackie, you pick. We have new situation loneliness, I’m-different loneliness, no-sweetheart loneliness, no-animal loneliness, no-time-for-me loneliness, untrustworthy-friends loneliness, and quiet-presence loneliness.

Jackie: So. Oh, I’m going to say a real asshole thing, which is some of these feel like very valid to me, like new-situation loneliness, right? When you move somewhere and you know, nobody that seems valid to me. No-animal loneliness seems like bullshit. ‘Cause, go get an animal or go volunteer somewhere. Go stand on a street corner and be around animals. So maybe I’m not the most empathetic person to be choosing these.

Gabe: This goes back to the conversation that we were having earlier about choices, right? Because in your mind, no-animal loneliness is bullshit because you can just go get an animal. But this assumes many things. This assumes that you live in a place where you’re allowed to own an animal. This assumes that you have the money to properly afford, take care, feed and get good vet care for an animal. And while these are things that Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard may be able to afford, they’re not things that say a first year college freshman living in the dorms and valuing her education over the three animals that are currently living in her parents’ house.

Jackie: But nay, I also said if you can’t afford them, are allergic, don’t have space for them. You can volunteer at a shelter.

Gabe: But is that enough? Is that what you want out of your animal? Listen, for me, I am not an animal person, but I love my dog. But I got to tell you, if somebody told me that my dog could not, like, cuddle with me anymore, like I just had to give that up, like I’d be allowed to pet my dog. I’d be allowed to throw the rope with my dog, play tug of war, feed my dog. But listen, Gabe, no cuddling. I would go through no-animal loneliness, even though my dog would be right there because it turns out that I’m a mad cuddler when it comes to Schnauzer.

Jackie: See, but there’s still a choice in there. Right? If you are a broke college student who can’t afford it, your choice is either wait until you can’t afford it or go get one and then not be able to take care of your dog. Right? The choices are not great, but they are there.

Gabe: I just. I don’t even know what to say to that. Your choices are to get an animal and not take care of it well? That is not a good choice.

Jackie: No, it’s not.

Gabe: In this scenario that I use, I don’t know why I picked it, I just came up with it. The 18 year old is valuing their education over the animals and they’re fulfilled in every other area of their life. We’re going to pretend that they didn’t even go through new-situation loneliness. Being a freshman in a dorm like that was no problem for them. They don’t feel different. They feel connected. They have time for themselves. They love their friends. Everything is going fine. But they grew up with animals and now they don’t have animals except during spring break and Christmas. And they feel lonely about it. There’s nothing wrong with that. So now you have to decide, like, hey, is this reasonable? I do have to say that acknowledging that not having an animal makes you lonely and then acknowledging that the reason that you don’t have an animal right now is because you’re putting your college career, your future, your ability to earn money, buy a house, and then have 30 animals, including a horse and a zebra. In 10 years when you’re established, I think that those are ways to ease the loneliness. Right? To understand why you’re making the decision. But I think that feeling lonely that you don’t have an animal and this is coming from somebody that is just as not an animal person, I can kind of dig it. And I think that acknowledging it helps, even though, like you said, it may be the right decision.

Jackie: So I have four animals, I experience animal loneliness the moment I’m not in my house. I get it. But I feel like this kind of loneliness, these, I guess I’m going to call them surface level lonelinesses, is which I might get some shit for that, but I feel like almost the loneliness severity is a choice in my opinion. I know we’re harping on this animal thing, but is the no animal loneliness really affecting your life so powerfully that you are so sad and you’re isolating? You’re doing all these things that are feel awful because you’re so sad about not having an animal? If that’s the case, go find an animal. Pet sit. Walk dogs. Do whatever. Get paid to walk dogs, do whatever. But if you’re just like, man, I really miss my dog at home, then maybe you just gotta wait till you get home and see your dog.

Gabe: I think that everything that you said is fantastic and I can’t disagree with it. And I think that that’s really healthy to understand cause and effect, to understand prioritizing things in your life. And it doesn’t have to be on animals like you said. Let’s not harp on the animals. You can make this about, you know, your new situation, your job or feeling different or not trusting friends. You can go out and make new friends. You can, you know, just whatever. I think there is a path out of loneliness. I think that the reason people feel so lonely and isolated is because they don’t understand that there’s a path out of it. And when they talk to people about being lonely, they get dismissed so quickly. Oh, you don’t have a dog. Who cares? That person does. End of conversation. We just do this a lot where we decide that it’s not important. And the number one way that we do this in America is every single 30-year-old up completely dismisses the loneliness that a teenager feels about not having a significant other. Because once we hit 30, we realize that your 16 year old significant other is nonsense. It’s just nonsense. You’re gonna be in love so much in your life. You’re gonna love everybody. You’re going to date a million people. It’s gonna be fine. You’re going to realize how insignificant this relationship is. The key word there is you’re gonna realize it. It’s a future thing for them. So when every 30, 40, 50, 60 year old looks at the 16, 17, 18 year old and says, oh, you just broke up with your boyfriend? Yeah, who cares? That’s a meaningless relationship. I don’t care. That exacerbates the loneliness. It exacerbates the disconnected feeling because it really, really, really, really matters to them. Even though in the words of the great Jackie, it’s surface. It’s surface loneliness. Who cares?

Jackie: I know it’s dismissive and I think that you’re right that the worst thing you can do to somebody who’s feeling any form of loneliness is to just dismiss their feelings and be like, yeah, but like get over yourself and move on. Which is totally what I did about the animals. But I still maintain, regardless of the type of loneliness you have. There are choices in there. And what the person who is dismissing you is trying to say is choose something different. And I’m not defending that person at all. I’m not because dismissive people suck, myself included. But they’re trying to say there is an alternative option here to what you’re feeling and maybe they’re doing it the wrong way. Maybe they don’t really see what the alternative option is, but they don’t see what you see.

Gabe: I point out the way that adults treat children’s romance on purpose because we’re all guilty of it. Even people who feel dismissed and isolated and incredibly lonely, they’re all going to turn around and do that to their 16-year-old nephew. Their 18-year-old niece, their 12 year old child. They’re just going to completely just blow the whole thing off as if it’s not important. And then when somebody does it to them, they’re like, oh, my God, how could this happen? So I just want to point out that we’re all guilty of it. So that way when somebody does it to you, you can realize that they’re not being malicious. The reason that they’re blowing off, the thing that’s important to you is probably a lack of understanding, not this desire to be mean to you or to dislike you or to hate you. And that helps me get over it faster when I realize that the reason my wife doesn’t understand me is simply because she doesn’t understand me. That makes me feel a whole lot better than when I think that the reason that she doesn’t understand me is because she hates me.

Gabe: And as somebody with an anxiety disorder, I can jump to the worst conclusion in a single bounce and I need to get over that. And to your point, Jackie, there are choices in there. And I think that choices are very, very empowering. As long as we understand that sometimes just because we make the choice doesn’t mean we’re gonna get our way. I mean, I made the choice to be a millionaire, but I’m not one. So my choice is largely irrelevant in that. However, I do have the ability to work hard, to save money, to make good financial investments. And while I probably will never be a millionaire, I have a better shot at it than if I ran up all of my credit cards and refuse to work. And I think that’s kind of what you’re getting at. Right? It’s understanding what you can control, what you can’t control, and understanding why people relate to you in the way that you do and how you can not internalize other people’s misunderstandings.

Jackie: Exactly. Yes. And part of what you dabbled in there is one of these things that I don’t want to spend a ton of time on, but it’s the I’m-different loneliness. And I think that is the thing that any listener of this show has experienced, whether it be because of mental illness or things that maybe we have made up in our head of things that we think make us different. I know I do that all the time. The I’m-different loneliness is very real because maybe you are very different. There is a good example here of maybe you are really, really tied to your faith, and it’s really important to you and you’re in a new place where nobody shares the same faith as you. That’s something that could be really detrimental to your social life and even your types of conversations you have with people. And I’m-different loneliness, whatever you are feeling different about, is hard to kick. It’s hard to be like, yeah, I feel different. But everything’s cool anyway. But I still feel like there’s a choice in there. You can actively pursue people who are similar than you. Actively pursue more education about what makes you different and why it makes you different. You can fill a gap if there’s not a thing for people who are different like you. Maybe you need to create it.

Gabe: My takeaway from all of this, Jackie, is that I do think that people have choices. But I want to be clear that just because somebody has choices to improve their situations doesn’t mean that the rest of the world can be a jerk to them. So what, they have choices. Maybe you could be empathetic and understanding and help them realize those choices and make it. You know, so often these people are just like get better, do better, be better. You could go for a walk. That’s not helpful. I also want to say to the people like Gabe, the people who have the choices, maybe don’t wait around for people to be understanding and empathetic. As much as I hate to say it, I am my own biggest fan and my own biggest cheerleader. And getting off my own ass and doing things is something that I had to learn early on. I believe that you can do it. Jackie believes that you can do it. And there’s a whole community of people who have done it. And I just want you to know that, because we can move forward in meaningful ways and that means you, you can move forward in meaningful ways.

Jackie: Wow, Gabe, that was beautiful.

Gabe: I feel like you’re mocking me, but I’ll allow it.

Jackie: I am mocking you, but I actually believe that was beautiful. Because the root of that is you are your best advocate as somebody who has been sick for a really long time. You are your best advocate and at times you’re your only advocate. So if you’re not advocating to make your life better or to change your situation or to change your circumstances, you can’t really expect other people to do it for you.

Gabe: Jackie, as always, it’s fun hanging out with you, I want to leave our listeners with this quote that I read doing research for this episode. It’s that if you’re ever feeling lonely, go outside and look at the moon because chances are somebody somewhere is doing it as well. It’s not the kind of gushy stuff I normally like, but that one spoke to me. But listen, and this is very important. Don’t stare at the sun because nobody else is doing that. Thanks, everybody, for listening to this week’s episode of Not Crazy. Did you know that Jackie and I will live podcast wherever you are? Email us at show@PsychCentral.com for details. And hey, we could show up in your town. Wherever you downloaded this podcast, please rate, review, and subscribe. Share us on social media and use your words. Tell people why they should listen to the show. And finally, stay tuned after the credits for our outtake of the week. They’re always awesome, although sometimes they’re more awesome than not. Thanks, Lisa.

Jackie: Make good choices.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail show@psychcentral.com for details. 

  Podcast: Is Loneliness a Mental Health Issue? syndicated from

[monoshah]

How to get over your Childhood-1/2

“How to get over.. wait what?”

I understand that this title might seem bit confusing to most of you, so, before I dive into the specifics, let me back up a bit.

Over a couple of months ago, I started reading a book called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, an author, psychologist, and science journalist. It took me almost four months (you read that right)  to finish the book, but, hands down- the lessons I’ve learned changed my perspective on many things involving feelings.

My journal is filled with notes and actionable insights that I drew from the book, and I’m sure to write a detailed post about it in the future. Today, however, I want to focus on something very specific-

The relationship between our childhood experiences and our feelings and patterns of thought.

Why we need to talk about our childhood to understand ourselves and practice Kindness

We’ve all been there- in the midst of anger, in the depths of passion, in the awe of lust. And, as much as we’d love to call ourselves “rational”, we’ve done things and made choices that, to a greater extent were dictated by our feelings.

Why is that? Why are we such slaves to our emotions? I mean, we live in a society that uses and has used intellect to make great things. In an age where we know our minds and how to tame them (hint- Meditation) why does the Heart seem so uncontrollable to us?

Evolution wise, there was an emotional brain long before there was a thinking one. At first, there’s the brainstem- the most primitive part of the brain. It ensures our survival. From there emerged the emotional centres, the limbic system. This is the structure in the brain that deals with memory and emotions. Finally, from this system emerged the thinking brain, the neocortex.

So, you see, that is why, no matter how much you respect your friend, if he says something that upsets you, you still take it to heart. There was an emotional brain long before there was a thinking one.

Now, let’s go the next part of the puzzle- childhood. 

Developing Stages of The Emotional Brain

Our emotional brain starts developing rapidly in the first five years.

Clearly then, on a larger scale, it is shaped by our childhood- the people we grow up with and the environment we grow up in.

Here’s Goleman,

“The first three or four years of life are a period when the toddler’s brain grows to about two thirds its full size, and evolves in complexity at a greater rate than ever will again. During this period key kinds of learning take pace more readily than later in life- emotional learning foremost among them.”

So, there’s a reason why you’re so trustworthy or not so truth worthy. A reason why you just lash out “without thinking” when someone says something that  hurts you. Why does it hurt you? Insecurity? that too, sadly, is related to our childhood experiences.

Now, a question that you might be thinking about is- can’t the emotional brain learn something at a more older age? When interacting with friends, meeting new people? At college, for instance?

Here’s Goleman again-

“Though some emotional skills are honed with friends through the years, emotionally adept parents can do much more to help their children with each of the basics of emotional intelligence: learning how to recognize, manage, and harness their feelings; empathizing; and handling the feelings that arise in their relationships.”

The point of re visiting your childhood and trying to derive lessons from it is not to blame your parents (they’re normal people with their own struggles after all), but, for two very helpful things for the society and for ourselves:

1) To be kinder and more charitable towards ourselves and others

Hopefully, up until now, you get a rough idea of how much of our feelings and thoughts have been shaped by things that are completely outside our control, one of which is being raised in a pretty unfair childhood.

So, not only does this help us take ourselves less seriously but also stops us from making rapid assumptions about people.

The next time you binge eat a bag of chips, you will not “become” the voice in your head that calls you a fatso and a loser. Instead, you will try to be curious about why you did what you did. It will make you go beyond, making you ask yourself what your binge eating sessions is connected to. Is it stress? Maybe you were brought up by parents who were stressed too, or maybe you’ve always felt abandoned and food is your escape?

That itself will make you, in a very real sense, “see” this madness unfold and since you will not “become” it- you can find out ways to stop it by reasoning it. Why won’t you become it? Because you know that’s not you. Its just an automatic pattern of response., something, that, you’ve been doing for a long time.

Awareness brings clarity and clarity helps you achieve wisdom. And wisdom, changes everything.

The same applies to other people.

If you ever come across someone in the midst of rage, you won’t start labeling them as “bad”. Instead, you will feel sorry for them- after all, his or her childhood experiences led to this. It will make you more charitable because you would acknowledge that quite simply, they have an overreactive amygdala because of things happening in their past.

Here’s The School of Life on charitable people (picked up from the book “On Being Nice):

“A Charitable soul does the extra work for us. They come forward with explanations of why we behave the way we do: they understand enough about our past to have a picture of where our impatience or over-ambition, rashness or meekness come from. They hold in mind what happened with our parents and with the move to another country. They create a picture of who the person in the “begging” position is that is sufficiently generous and complex as to make us more than just the ‘fool’ or ‘weirdo’, the ‘failure’ or ‘loser’ that we might so otherwise easily have been dismissed as”

We’re all prisoners of past patters and a deep dive into our childhood will make us extend a helping hand to other inmates in that prison. We won’t solely call ourselves ‘weird’ anymore, instead, we’ll just be a small part of the big race that, in itself is pretty weird.

2) To understand ourselves

Socrates is famous for his saying “Know Thyself”, and, we get closer and closer to understanding ourselves by examining our childhoods. This makes us critically think about why we do some things that we do.

Do you feel a need to please everyone around you? Or, are you more of a, what society calls, narcissist?

Whatever the case maybe, there are reasons for it; reasons that need to be laid out. Reasons, that, if we’re aware of, can help us change for the better.

So, how can we explore this dark side? Here’s Robert Glover, author of the famous book “No More Mr Nice Guy”,

“On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn't OK for you to be who you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb? Share this information as well. The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck. “

This kind of journaling exercise will help you think about your feelings and thoughts. Maybe you will remember that one time when someone who you respected a lot in your family did not give you enough love; or maybe they relied too much on you for their own happiness, making you feel responsible for other people’s feelings.

It's fascinating how much an hour of deep journaling can help you uncover.

Knowing yourself has countless other benefits- it helps you make wiser choices of what kind of people to associate yourself with, who to date (or marry), when to get work done, etc.

Hopefully, this convinces you to get curious about your emotional health, to derive insight from your everyday emotional patterns. 

Next week, we shall discuss the golden question- Can we get over our childhoods? If yes- how? 

[medicatedcretin]

The passing of the storm 04-05-17

I’m back in Auckland now. Mum came back up with me on Tuesday, and left the following Tuesday. When I got home, I called work and told them I’d be off for the rest of the week. I confessed what was going on. I guess it was a relief. It’s hard to tell at that stage, and it’s even harder now. Everything from that period is starting to seem fuzzy around the edges, like the details of a dream disappearing through the holes in a sieve. The terrible double-edged sword of my brain and its self-protecting amnesia. It means that when I’m well, I cope better. But it also means that when I slip backwards again, it’s like reliving the very first and worst intolerable hellscape all over again. It’s the reason I think I’ll never truly be free of this. 

Part of me felt like such a failure. The part that fought tooth and nail to get off those meds and ride out whatever their absence brought on, was weeping in the corner, defeated. After I came back home, the Crisis team here in Auckland managed to get me an appointment on Wednesday, the following day. I was assessed by an extremely competent sounding nurse and doctor, and started immediately on 25mg of Sertraline. They recommended continuation of 50mg Seroquel at night for the immediate future. (For those Americans out there, Sertraline is Zoloft. It’s indicated for GAD, Panic disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and OCD).

Obviously, for the first few days, there wasn’t a lot of change. I was still riding the Anxiety Train right on the edge of Panic City, but over the next week or so I started to feel an awful, familiar flatness starting to creep in at the edges. I don’t think it was from the meds: it’s probably too soon for that. I think it’s the Post-Crash-Depression. Part of me was relieved to feel it: It means the worst of the storm is over. It brings with it a lot of Bad Thoughts, but the accompanying pain is less like an immediate searing and more like a dull, throbbing ache. Not better, just different. Healing, I guess. I knew rationally that with the new meds, my anxiety levels would gradually start to lower and I’d be out of this horrible semi-real universe I seem to live in while suffering a Crash. I was getting better.

I’m still afraid. Afraid that my senses are dulling again, that I’m halfway to living that zombie-like half life I was, while on the Venlafaxine. Afraid that I’ll have another crash while on Sertraline, and that now that Lorazepam and Diazepam are ineffective, and my body is growing accustomed to the sedative effects of the Seroquel, I will be at its mercy - and nothing will bring me back. Afraid that the next panic attack will be the one that ends me. The thing is, every time this happens, it feels like a little piece of me dies in the battle. I fight so hard, there’s so much agony, there’s no way it doesn’t leave permanent scars. Each time, a little part of my soul is chipped away. Some deep part of me knows this to be true. Whether it’s the Anxiety part of the Other part, I don’t know.

I’m doing OK now. I’ve been back to the doctor today because last night I was awoken at 2.30am with awful stomach pain that simply would not abate or let me sleep. The usual pain, right under the ribcage, as if someone is pressing a balled up fist right into my diaphragm. It made me feel horribly nauseous, and nothing: not Panadol, Mylanda, Gaviscon or even 10mg of Sevradol (Morphine in pill form) helped it. The doctor thinks I have a stomach ulcer. She also thinks I have H. Pylori infection, which is preventing my double-dose 80mg Pantoprazole from allowing the ulcer to heal. She said the Pantoprazole is also probably the reason the initial test for this bacteria came back negative. I had a blood test to confirm, and she gave me a crapload more Codeine to get me through until my GE Specialist appointment which is now (thankfully) only a week away. At least I might have some answers soon. Even if this blood test comes back negative, the GE will give me an endoscopy & ultrasound to find out what’s going on in there. The good news: It’s not in my head, and it’s not the anxiety. That has made me feel about 10000X better about this whole clusterfuck of a situation. I don’t even feel too bad about work. I simply couldn’t be there today.

I don’t even know if anyone reads this, but it feels good to get it out. A periodic purge of my thoughts can do wonders to clear my head. I think if I was writing this by hand, like in a journal, I’d obsess over it and rehash and re-word until it drove me to despair, doing more harm than good. I feel that by submitting it into the ether of the Internet, it somehow actually gets rid of it from my consciousness. It doesn’t even really matter to me if nobody does read it. I hope that if they do, it might help them to feel less alone in their battle. Personally I’ve never had a problem discussing my psyche with total strangers (I’ve had to do it with doctors since about age 7) but I know it can be terribly difficult for some. As a small experiment, do hit me up in the comments if you see this, and let me know your thoughts. I’m keen to talk to just about anything, and as always, anyone can AMA. ?