#i need people to fucking grasp this
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mouthwashing has truly showed me that we haven't evolved from the fucking witch trials. people can only ever point fingers, judge, hate, condemn, root for damnation. how the fuck do you look at a game about capitalism, psychological instability, complex characters, endless nuance and get out of the experience with the braindead take "curly horrible. anya, daisuke and swansea wonderful. jimmy bad." too many people haven't moved on from the reasoning of five year olds and disney - hero good and villain bad. people aren't fucking cartoon characters. we're not only good or bad. media literacy is truly dead and gone.
#i've been in fandoms my whole life and no fandom has made me this mad#it's just proof that it doesn't matter how well written a story is if there's no one to receive it#at the end of the day it doesn't matter how much effort is put into making something complex and valuable#if everyone is fucking blind#90% of the fandom only sees mw as The Rape Game in which anya is an angel and jimmy and curly belong in the same circle of hell#and i'm getting closer to an aneurism every single day#the rape is a product the rape is a product the rape is a product#i need people to fucking grasp this#the rape gets traced back to the shitty company#the company is at the centre#they allowed jimmy to work while mentally unstable#they didn't put locks on the sleeping quarters#they told them they were fired while they were in space#they didn't allow for issues to be reported easily#they threatened to dock pays if anything at all happened#they put an unofficial nurse and a last second addition intern on the ship for a whole YEAR#the pony express SCREAMS dysfunctionality#they never gave a fuck about their employees and that's what lead to everything#the rape and the murders are a byproduct#mouthwashing#fandom critical#fandom culture#media literacy#nuance#character analysis#reading comprehension#captain curly#anya mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#swansea mouthwashing
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'my cousin is all stomach and no heart' is such a funny thing for illario to tell rook if he maybe is picking up on a little bit of a Vibe going on there. the 'LMAO. well good luck with that friend. better hotties than you have tried and failed and dashed themselves against the legendarily unamorous cliffs of my cousin's complete obliviousness and lack of interest to no avail. (optional 'may I suggest a more hah-hem *undoes another few buttons on his shirt that thing is open almost to his navel now it's borderline obscene* available dellamorte for your consideration. I mean if you're like in the market for one anyway' devious undertone as you see fit)' energy is off the charts.
(illario is above all a funny petty bitch and that's why I love him so indescribably. no no lucanis is right we need him around to drop shade like this he is in fact also an essential crow. we all contribute in our own ways)
#also I need to see his face when he realizes that lucanis IS in fact fucking that weird little goth twink. On The Regular and w enthusiasm#'of ALL the people who've thrown themselves at you over the years THIS is what you go for?? 'festooned in skulls' is your thing???'#(lucanis' thing is emotional security and safe sincere enduring affection but I don't think illario could grasp that in a thousand years)#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#illario dellamorte#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#I actually think the writing as it stands for illario could work really well if the voice direction had been better#the voice actor is using such an obvious aggro Ze Evil Voice tone the whole way through I think if he was more soft-spoken#and more seemingly good-naturedly jocular and sometimes vulnerable the actual words work well enough to add some subtlety#(I mean. not a lot of subtlety. it's not like you'd wonder who the traitor is and I frankly don't think you're really meant to#that's not the point. it's a car crash you have to watch. but it would make the emotional tone a bit different and more compelling)#between that and some of the environmental storytelling -- the burned letter from zara even though the whole house is FULL#of venatori there's really no point in like. hiding evidence at this point lol vs. the one he wrote lucanis lying neatly on a table#in the same room -- the fact that he can't bring himself to hurt caterina. he seems to be staying in the room across the hall from her.#you know there are some signs here that just maybe#lucanis' hopes for him are not as completely incomprehensibly delusional as it looks on the surface haha
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People love ragging on Catholics on this site (fast free and easy like river water socks) but I think it’s extra funny y’all seem to think Catholics are some sort of sex prudes. Like, if a Catholic man does not give his wife an orgasm he is failing his sworn duties as a husband. I did not endure polite insinuations that my parents fucked often and well to have as many kids as they have for you to act like any self respecting Catholic is a celibate virgin. Laypeople have sex in this denomination Kaitleign. What are we, Calvinists? Jansenism is soooo 17th century Protestant Reformation-informed heresy.
#ra speaks#personal#not tagging otherwise bc tbh I can’t remember if it was formally declared a heresy or if aspects of its teachings were papally condemned#and I don’t want any um actually 🤓 people in my notes or inbox.#anyways. point is I’m sorry you’re culturally Christian USAmerican Protestant and just finding out Catholics often have mandatory sex ed#at least my school did + my grandma had an amazing little book about Catholic marriage sex tips akdjwhfjsjssj#if you’re Catholic and under the impression that fucking wasn’t supposed to be important…idk sorry your catechist didn’t ever cover like.#humanae vitae or any other encylcicles on sexuality and reproduction.#idk if it was an effort to inform/combat congregational abuse (eg. we know kids w sex ed are more likely to report/recognize abuse)#but my school was pretty damn blunt about it all. here’s a dick and all it’s anatomy. here’s a vagina and all it’s anatomy.#fucking and touching is supposed to be between a married man and woman (as expected)#but it’s also supposed to be fun and shouldn’t hurt and if it’s not and does hurt you need to communicate w them or reach out to a doctor#like. this was early 2010s im still fucking baffled my parochial school Franciscan nuns gave us a better grasp of sex ed than my high schoo#public school sex ed. the teacher there justified emotional abuse and manipulation if it’s against a guy.#and it’s not like their queer sex ed existed beyond ‘and this can be between two people of any gender’ clauses#anyways. you know me have fun and be safe im just tickled to see ppl think their experiences and expectations are universal.
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Gonna make a list of queer characters that don’t outright state their queerness because a certain group of people complaining about the handling of a certain character’s arc from a certain game is pissing me off
“They didn’t make her say she was trans so that means that they’re giving us a ‘fuck you’/we need confirmation or it isn’t valid and transphobes will be transphobic/they’re queerbaiting!”
Shut the fuck up
The fact that we’re even at this point is a miracle in itself and needing every character to explicitly say their orientation and/or gender identity shows how ignorant you are, not just regarding media literacy, but also on queer history
By your myopic lens you’re discrediting a lot of queer characters that didn’t and/or couldn’t outright say that they’re queer
Characters shouldn’t have to outright say their orientation and/or gender identity for you to consider them “good rep”
That perspective is ridiculously narrow minded and downplays the importance of previous queer characters that helped pave the way to where we are now
#*add in obligatory “I AM TRANS” here*#I’m so fucking tired#for fuck's sake as I'm writing this japan STILL doesn't allow same sex marriages! this shit is very much still progressive!#and I KNOW it’s a bunch of kids saying these things due to how popular the game is with kids#(and because these people are always talking about school)#which makes me even more annoyed. these kids aren't fully grasping what they're talking about.#this is just in general but: YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING. I DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING. YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THAT#‘let’s downplay the important things that these characters did for our community because they didn’t outright state what they were 😃’#it feels like I’m stuck with a bunch of lily orchards 😭#god if she ever finds out about this game and this character’s arc…#I am going to make the list but I’ll have to scan through a lot of transcripts and such to do so. so it’ll take a while 😅#I wonder what these guys would think about the cops from [POPULAR DISNEY CARTOON WITH THE TRIANGLE TUMBLR SEXYMAN]#lgbtq#queer#queer representation#fandom discourse#(… I guess!)#rant#personal#mint mumbles
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zavijava info PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!! PLEASEEEEE ZAVIJAVA COME HOME ... PLEASE .... umm um um ill tell you about umm . tma au im making for nastya if u tell me about her .PLEASE!!!!!!!
so she is definitely a star of some kind. i mean she is an angel but in that story in particular The Stars are kind of angels. like they’re otherworldly beings and they jus kinda hang out. cosmically. it’s a different dimension separated from the human one but like, obviously stars still exist for humans, they just don’t do anything crazy because the rules of the world dictate that their realities shouldn’t interact. angels can observe the other world from far up above yet they still exist on a different level. But tbh zavijava had never enjoyed the otherworldly ethereal whatever lifestyle—she just didn’t feel like she fit in there. she is a #1 humans fan though so she knows that’s where she’d fit in. so she does just that. she fits in perfectly :) and normally :) yay :)
#see the thing with zavijava is that there isn’t much info to share on her just on account of her being what she is#she is like a Concept trying to humanize and shove herself into a box#it’s like asking a rock what it likes. a rock can’t like anything it just sort of exists#that’s zavi babey#that’s not to say she doesn’t desperately try to like anything and everything . and that’s precisely what she ends up doing#she loves everything ! but she doesn’t really understand it or have a genuine connection to anything just by virtue of not being part of the#world. it’s like having a 6d being try to exist in a 3d space. very limiting. very incomprehensible for the 6d being#so her enjoyment of things (debatable if she’s even Capable of feeling Anytning) is artificial in a way#she is Uncanny Valley she reflects humans she does not really have an inner world or proper opinions of her own#so like she Does really love humans and everything about their world. but no specifics or a detailed understanding of them & it#as much as she likes humans she does not grasp their concepts like at all. Or only in a rudimentary manner#haze could explain to her why some people walk holding hands and she would be like Wow i guess that means we are married :) because we are#always together :) we can even hold hands too :) (she tries to hold his hand and he immediately starts seeing the hat man)#so yea. tldr. she’s more of a concept made character so there’s not a lot of Character Info on her#she’s more of a force#cramswering#idk if any of that is a coherent fucking explanation LOL she’s just kinda dream-like in that sense. idk#like yknow the way humans can’t truly comprehend eldritch beings or non euclidian shapes or whatever#the eldritch being in turn is not fated to understand da humans ….#& anyways for now the rest of the stars are aware that zavijava is Goofing but it’s not urgent enough to send someone after her. yetttt#tho hell dude 2 angels in the world would probably make it implode instantly so maybe that’s why they’re hesitant to do anything#also yea idk if this needs to be said but those angels arent tied to religion or humans really. they’re not guardian angels they’re just#Things that exist on a different Plane Of Existence. parallel to the human world#they watch over it but not in a guardian responsibility way#just sort of in a It’s Something To Look At way#ok yeah it’s 1:30am too by the way so i think that’s enough incomprehensible eldritch rambling#tell me about ur au boy
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did not expect kissing and realizing i’m lowkey dating a guy to send me down an existential spiral of reminding me that i have only one life to live and then i am going to die without living any other different lives
#but i’ve been wasting time not exploring at all!!#doesn’t have to be a forever person it’s just an experience#but still#it’s really weird and idk!!!!#and if i date this guy fr i would have to like go on birth control probably and holy shit i do NOT want more medication#and what if i meet someone else?#i don’t exactly want to commit y’know???#but i’m halfway through my twenties and i don’t know how much time i actually have and if i think about it too long i hyperventilate#which WOULDN’T HAPPEN if i was just continuing on with being safe and alone!!#and what about women?? i love women!#but when i really love something or someone i go crazy about it#i lose myself#so maybe realistic and neutral is better?#am i neutral?#i don’t fucking know and my friends for the most part aren’t quite grasping what i’m trying to say#like yes i overthink and yes it might not be that deep to anyone else including the guy#but it NEEDS to be that deep. to me.#because that’s how my brain fucking works.#i don’t take shit lightly and i never have#that’s why i’m better off alone#or with people who are also deeply unchill#but this guy is so chill! and it does make me feel comfortable!#but it’s also like bro is this conversion therapy am i conversion therapying myself?#my entire identity for more than a decade has been based off being single and independent#and the lapses in that are times in my life that i see myself as unambiguously pathetic and embarassing#with men and women#i feel like a fucking unsocialized semiferal cat that wants affection but also doesn’t know how to accept it#and do i even want it? or is it want i know i should want or what would be good for me so im just slowly forcing myself into it?#it’s so much easier. so much simpler. to not have to freak out about this stuff.#sorry for venting i know it’s annoying it’s just fuck man…
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Good morning I'm up thinking about that forbidden beast again
#Eddie...#I need to rewatch his cutscenes to get a better grasp on him now that I know what he's been about this whole time#but something about his AC+R story modes got under my skin and into my brain#Eddies resentment of being a parasite attached to a person and fighting for two games over the right to control the body and make it his ow#just for it to start rotting away and starting the cycle of powerlessness over again making him easy to take advantage of#and ending with him fighting even more desperately to stay alive...#blurring the line between him and Zato further with remembering his feelings and memories and accepting them just as hes about to die-#hopefully that reads okay- again I just woke up and all that#but Eddies story made me like. weirdly emotional?#I really like the disconnect Eddie feels from Zatos body and how it contrasts with how people see both of them like this#I also think thats why Eddie is so bitter towards both Millia and Venom (especially Venom-)#to him they're probably the same as he is. and he hates them both for it because they're people that don't *have* to be#they have a choice and he doesn't. yet all three of them keep being drawn to each other.#yappin'#edit: WHAT REALLY FUCKS ME UP IS THAT EDDIE MIGHT BE JUST A THING ATTACHED TO ZATO POST RESURRECTIONNN#I haven't seen Eddie have much personality after Zato got resurrected other than being a little shadow goober#and thats a little Haunting??#you're telling me after all this Eddie i s just a thing attached to Zato? and Zatos the important one again? what the fuck
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EEAAUAUGGRGRGBHNJKJIAHGVGBAHJ falls over and dies
#BRO#BR#O#AYAUGHYUJDHXBCVGHNJDXIHUNYBGDRHN#IM#LITERALLYSTUPID#OHYM#UABYTGVB#ANBYDVGBXEHN#lonely#andsad#forever#iguess#my brain wont fucking grasp the fact that maybe people like me for longer than two fucking seconds#i need#to explode#im so#grossed out bymyself#eeeeeeeeewwomp#eewomp#dont mind me#or maybe not#rrrrgrggrr
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who's lila yammerings (i should be asleep
thinking about Who's Lila again and i really do love how the three layers of the mystery as broken down by Flaw Peacock includes kindof commentary to the "all interpretations are equally valid/correct" writing copout that isn't just the opposite statement or a rebuke of it, but also something that ties it all in with the rest of the game's infohazard/memetic properties themes. like yes, broke = all interps are valid + woke = there IS a correct answer as this is a mystery, but also bespoke = the correct interpretation comes from the unconscious mind of all people, a zeitgeist, et cetera.
it can be equally as much of a copout- because break it down, what tf does that imply? that the interpretation that takes us at large is the most correct? so the most popular theories, and that the most widely accepted aspects of the game, are what is true? whichever red herring that turns out to be when it is handed to the public? it can totally be a copout. not for lack of effort or intelligence or artistry, as FP's video is nearly 8 hours for a reason, but also it can be copout. a REALLY COOL copout though. i can't picture of any other story that i know that does this, nor could i think of a better story to do it.
because it's all about the cultural zeitgeist and memetic properties. beliefs and feelings and ideas and superstitions that trend. Lila is the mystery but she is also a demon, she is also a trauma, she is also a metaphor, she is also a delusion, she is all of these things, but above all else she is what YOU hear she is. the most popular, most widely accepted interpretations are what get shared, and spread the furthest. unrelated people hear about it, maybe give these opinions the time of day for a quick read, and Lila has fully cemented herself in those people's brains as that interpretation, even if alllll that information they just took in winds up being dead noise that the brain scraps entirely with time. she WAS there, however fleeting, as is her abiding by her, or the, laws of memetics
and to me, this is the interpretation. but that doesn't change how people at large are viewing her and i certainly wouldn't know better as i haven't bothered looking into it. idk yall im not gonna ask. regardless she is whatever we first thought she was, and unless you dig deeper and find out more, she's infected you thus. just like how the Dada Dog was originally just some guy's silly drawing, but evolved into an alt-right symbol of actual genuine murderers. somebody took the Dada Dog and maybe unintentionally recontexutalised it when putting it next to their personal dangerous rhetoric, and their ilk ate it up like flies to the point that there was nothing left of the Dog but the picked clean, bare bones of its lineart and sombre expression
my best guess are that there are three layers to the current zeitgeist of Lila as well. 1. the unknowing crowd, who have maybe seen a few pictures at most and maybe a little bit of the game, assuming she's a trauma metaphor characterised as a paranormal thing possessing dear William. 2. the initiated, knowing a little more and who may lean towards her being a demon taking advantage of kids with issues. and 3. whoever was insane enough to dig this deep and grasp that she is exactly what we think she is
Conclusion: Poor William
#ikildaman shut the fuck up#who's lila#infohazard#unreality#i dont know if this needs any more tags but the game is very egodeathy mindfucky by design#if people are freakt out by allat stay away from that game and probably this post as well#i say that last paragraph as someone who has REWATCHED flaw peacock's WL video multiple times#and i get a better grasp of what Lila is each time#not bc im studying it or am a megafan of WL either i just really REALLY like this video idk. idk dont look at me#also yeah i know william is just as much of a killer as he is not a killer but idc. im on his side#he did not deserve none of that none of those kids deserved that#justice for william. justice for wheeliam#i should draw them all alive and happy and as friends and it will be just as canon and real to me as everything else
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fighting everything cynical and spiteful in me because I still want to love and believe in people regardless of their flaws, but fucking hell I've hardly ever been tried on such a wide scale before. a lot of people, including people I really love, are making it really really hard to not only hold onto hope that there is a better future than this, but to feel like it's even worth it to try.
I had an inkling there would be a war on mental health on top of everything else going on, and thanks everything I am at a place in my life where it's not enough to send me tumbling down the deep end, but the thread remains thin. And it's genuinely super important to refuse to fall apart, it's absolutely necessary to find a way to persevere in the rise of a worldwide technofascist order because fuck them they don't deserve our despair, but. Yeah. I sincerely doubt it's going to get any easier any time soon, and given they're trying to destroy solidarity, to both monetize and punish self-expression and self-identity, mangle the essence of art and creation, force everybody into poverty and precarity, hunt down any indesirable in more and more unhinged ways and gradually restrict the consumption of everything... Yeah it's going to be a fucking nightmare moving forward.
My heart goes to everybody who's worse off than me on any of these topics, and who's already running on limited options and drained-out mental health. I don't know how to circumvent this entire situation we're facing, and specifically all the surgical ways they're trying to blot out hope and shut down solidarity. I just know it's absolutely necessary to find a way regardless.
#personal#cw mental health#cw The State of Things#might delete later but I just#yeah#we need to find a way#and to be honest#the fact that palestine didn't trigger a bigger reaction in the west makes me. so incredibly jaded.#not only the scale and depth of institutional racism has been revealed in a way that I find... suffocating#but also we are all so fucking stupid and we will be splattered against a wall and nobody will bat an eye when we're taken down one by one#and if we don't find a way to stop clinging to ourselves and no one else#and fight back the way capitalism desperately tries to keep us apart in unbreachable little corners#we won't make it#it's just that simple#and I find it WILD that this is considered a radical opinion#by other leftists!!! like what the fuck isn't that supposed to be our whole deal???#yeah I don't know#I mean I do know#I'm not surprised#I know very very well people can turn out to be far less than what they praise unfortunately#but it's just soul crushing every single time#and this time the scale and the consequences are impossible to even fully grasp#anyway. yeah. I don't know there's not much to say honestly.
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it is always so wild to me when cis people try to get me to shit talk non binary identities with them just because I present to them as a binary trans guy bc I will always defend them and whatever those fuckers have deemed as the "weird identity" this time. nothing about me gives off the vibe that a) i would ever feel the need to grift for cis approval and b)that I would ever give cis people the opportunity to talk badly about non binary people with a transgender pat on the back from me, just because they didn't follow the exact same path as I did. its stupid as hell and I sympathize with any non binary person that has the misfortune of crossing their path
#BECAUSE for example someone in my school will just come up to me unprompted and just#enquire about a hypothetical pronoun or identity and like ask my opinion#which is SO WEIRD TO ME#i always just say “oh i have a friend who uses those” if i catch the vibe theyre trying to talk shit#bc i am not a safe space for people who think they can randomly hate on a different kind of trans person with me and confrontational as hell#they usually dont go past that initial question bc ive been told im more than a little intimidating#and yet they still ask. BONKERS#i also used to identify with a myriad of non binary identities before i settled into something more comfortable for me#which isnt even fully male!! but im not about to explain the nuances of my gender with people who can barely grasp gnc people#i was extremely irritated today thinking about these stupid ass people and their fake ass allyship because it ALWAYS only goes so far#theres only a certain level of queerness you can express and if you go over that threshold youre FUCKED#i need to go full on confrontation next time and ask why they think id be okay with it bc i am not quiet when i think something is wrong#anyways rant over#nobody cares nick#transphobia
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#god everything fucking sucks rn.#i hate how i look i hate everything about me i cant stand looking in the mirror because all i see is a disgusting ugly cis woman and thats#all people see im not skinny or white or pretty#the world sucks im stuck in a job i hate thats killing me inside to do im grasping at thw weakest straws to stay alive i genuinely dont kno#what to do im never going to be nonbinary im never going to be seen as pretty because im not elf androgynous white nonbinar#im tired im in pain i hate being this way its so over for me i barely have motivation to live but oohhh i need to anyways fuck man :(#i hate my body my face my personality eevryone fucking hates me im always so insecure about everything always needing#validation from everyone and im so emptional and i overthink blegh#i think the solution is killing myself☝️☝️☝️☝️
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People on social media will get mad as hell and call you problematic if you enjoy a villain for being, well, a villain.
#txt#“this villain promotes bad values” ok and what's your point?#just because a character is morally questionable it doesn't mean i can't like them lmao#we are in an age where you can't like anything that isn't “pure” and “progressive”. fuck off#now if the villain's stans are actually trying to paint them as a poor misunderstood angel victim that's DIFFERENT#and let's be honest stans (usually female mind you) do this when the villain is attractive/hot/sexy#if a dude is ugly or fat there is no way you would have swarms of women defending that son of a bitch#but because he was drawn to be hot (or the actor who plays is hot) some chicks are READY to paint him as a poor baby#like... baby you are missing the point#just appreciate that son of a bitch as he is. there is no need to “sympathize” with him#i miss it when villains were villains and people appreciated that about them#anyways yes a character can be a very shitty person and you can still like them because that's the entire point of them#they are the antagonist/villain#i enjoy palpatine as a villain but that doesn't mean i think he was a poor lonely wholesome baby#that piece of shit deserved to be burn in hell lol but he still is a fantastic villain#but again tumblr twitter and fandom in general have no grasp of the concept of enjoying villains because they are villains#one side thinks you are fucking evil and disgusting if you admit to enjoying a villain#and the other side wants to find every justification in the book to paint the pos as an actual good person who is misunderstood :( because#that mofo has a six pack and a nice smile or is generally visually appealing lol
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ㅤ
#Most of you don't know#I was talking about one particular person in my system#And I feel really bad about it#I needed to protect her#And I'm the one who's attacking her#Her name is cadence#And she's a fucking child#I'm so so sorry to her#But no matter how many sorries I say it's never going to make up#I shouldn't be trusted with her#I shouldn't be trusted with myself#But I'm the last person who can take care of her#So I'll apologize and we'll have a nice long talk#I'm an awful person for doing this#I fucking knew that I can't help people and that I only hurt#I'll try to not be a lost cause#I'm sorry to everyone who cares about us#You shouldn't've seen us like this#I'll be a good person I promise#I've already done too much#You all shouldn't worry#I'm so sorry to everyone#And especially sorry to my partners#You all have been too good to me#Thank you all#For everything#I'll protect her from now on#If I get a better grasp on what's happening in the system#It should be better#Thank you and I'm sorry
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Tac's mom?!?!!!?
TAC'S MOM ....i don't have a name for her just yet but she is so nice and so cool
as a little kid, before he rly caught onto the fact that it was Weird, tac would occasionally mention his death date in vague ways. it was natural to him, and until he got older, he didn't rly realize that this wasn't common knowledge. when he mentioned the end of the world in such a serious manner, it would make people look at him oddly, or they would never take him seriously. over time, from context, he got the memo; death date talk = tension and weird looks
he stopped mentioning it altogether somewhere around middle school, but his mom never forgot about it. when he was Rly young, it wasn't much to be concerned about—kids say some weird stuff, even if his obsession with The End seemed a little dark. but then he kept saying it. and with the way he talked about it, he seemed fully and utterly convinced of the end of time.
he was still mentioning it in passing when he got into middle school, and that kinda talk is a little more alarming coming from a 10 year old than it is coming from a 4 four old, somehow. 4 year olds will say anything, and when he was 4, he didn't really grasp the Weight of the Knowledge yet
his mom thinks this is . concerning, to say the least. having ur kid mention something like this in such a convinced, serious tone, SO consistently for years,,, it's unsettling. things like, "i dont need good grades mom im not even gonna live long enough to finish college," and, "you're never gonna get to pay off this house... that's kinda depressing."
she remembers the date he's mentioned a few times. october 18th. she doesn't know where he got this info, that he'd die some day in october. where did that even come from? and she wouldn't put so much stock into it if it weren't for his behavior Never changing
he was already kind of uncaring about consequences even at a pretty young age—he didn't apply himself in school, even though she Knew he was a smart kid. he got into a lot of fights and made the wrong people mad at the wrong times, and the only time he ever seemed to care was when it made his mom upset. she's rly the only thing stopping him from doing more drastic things that would get him into more trouble, even when he's older and he knows better
even when he stops mentioning the death date, he never changes that behavior, and it scares her. he never Starts caring; if anything, he cares less and less about his future the older he gets. he seems so convinced...
his downward spirals start showing themselves around middle school as well, and at some point she starts seeking professional help for him.bc this is not normal. outwardly, it looks a Lot like depression (and it is<3) and it takes some convincing, but tac finally agrees to be put on pills, if only to make his mom feel better abt it. they help a little. key word here being A Little. she tries to get him therapy too, but he's stubborn about it
she's very supportive of him, and mostly just worried out of her mind. she doesn't Get It and every time she tries to ask, tac either shuts her down or shuts down himself. maybe she doesn't need to Get It to help him tho. maybe she just has to be there for him
tac loves his mother dearly tho dude he loves and respects her so much. his least favorite thing in the world is stressing or worrying her, so he tries his best to appear like everything's fine, for her sake. he doesn't want her limited time on this planet to be spent pacing the living room about it all. he wants her to just live her life without worrying abt him
#qktalks#brown-little-robin#tac vanderlith#sorry i talked about tac a lot in a post about his mom but u needed the Backstory Info#he tries to avoid going to her for a lot of things but when even his best buddy rett feels too far away his mom is always there#tac has a much firmer grasp on Mortality than a lot of people his age. which affects his day-to-day life quite a lot#other teenagers tend to ''hate'' their parents and some of them hate them for stupid and pathetic reasons#like yeah if ur parents actually suck then go ahead and hate them but#tac thinks the people who do it just cuz it's cool r dumb as hell. so u hate ur pillars of support? that's cringe.#tac has like 5 years left w this woman he's going to cherish every fucking second of it. he loves his mom and what she's done for him#about the pills as well: tac REFUSES to talk to any medical professionals about the death date#even when his mother encourages him to his lips r SEALED. these people r Professionals and Intimidating. and this is nothing they can solve#and they can't rly help a guy who's So against help.so for now they treat his depression as much as they can
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fortunately, with friends getting married and buying houses, I now have places to crash with beloved people in beloved places. and I have PTO.
#fuck yeah pto#chris will always be my go to retreat bc it's a place i love and people i love who are the most loving people i know#and he knows the excruciating experience of a stem phd lmao#personal#and now we're both free#the summer before i defended my thesis i visited him for the first time since he had finished his degree#and to see him with an actual adult apartment with a dishwasher AND in unit laundry???? made me weep#like freedom and adulthood were in his grasp and he was free#and he could host friends and meet new people#we had dinner outside downtown on the main street and people were just coming up to us and recognizing us#both of us!!#and saying hello and i was just so happy. that's what life could be loke#and that gave me what fuel i needed to finish my fucking phd#not 100% achieved it yet but we're getting there#and hey i have a dishwasher and in unit laundr
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