#i mean its just a hug???? THO??
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MY BRAINS NOT WORKING AND THE CUTE BOY I WORK WITH KEEPS CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR THIS IS SO AHAIWIAKSDHDGRRRRHRNE
#dhakaksdjs fuckdwkufeisfjsjajsueei#im using a translator and it keeps outputting 您 instead of 你 and he keeps calling it out like bro ur making it awkward#AND IM LIKE SORRY I CANT ACTUALLY WRITE IN THIS LANGUAGE IM REALLY DU M. BB#also he offered to take over the last part bc i was like hi its almost 9pm here and i literally cannot think anymore#like i am certain its a very easy last part my brain is just finished#i feel so bad bc i wanted to push this proj over the line#this company is so intense i am so baby i am so tired#hugging my cat and rubbing my gross face all over his gross body#me in vc trying to figure out how to say: it was broken earlier idk how it was fixed u saw it was broke tho right#but all that came out was: in the past it was….problematic… *20 yr silence*#before he awkwardly went: um its okay i dont think this is necessary also u have lint issues#and i was just like ya….i know 😭#its ambiguous to some of my teammates if i just dont understand them or if im fking dumb#its probably both im ngl#the blank stare i have on my face is first from trying to comprehend what the actual words they are saying mean#and then to comprehend what technical concept they are trying to convey#using like 50% of the information i managed to parse out#also im used to literally spending 30-40% of the working day talking smack#now i try to crack and joke and everyone is like three this isnt the time#three we are all gonna be hear past 9pm working this isnt the time
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“Do you think love can bloom even on the battlefield?”(Monaco 2010-2013)
#the caption is (mostly)a joke and i *do* think im being funny with it#but that quote just suddenly popped into my brain and I could not stop laughing#but honestly tho that is my motto for any f1 ship but particularly abt drivers on the podium being touchy#like 'yeah you just beat me but i can respect that and so im gonna hug you about it'#(yeah yeah ik them hugging probably isnt that deep but their affection to their competitors means to much to me emotionally <3)#i like that the red bull boys are always at the scene of the crime its like they started it in 2010 and then committed to it#im particularly insane about the sebson and martian ones but as always webbonso going above and beyond#nando really said fuck these weak mfs bro-hugging im gonna clutch mark like hes my lifeline even tho he just beat me#btw i did research into all of the past 24 monaco podiums for this but these had the most flavor and theyre all directly chronological#sorry ik the spain gp is practically upon us by now but im still in monaco hell#i gotta get all the monaco posts out of my system#monaco: all bangers all the time#also this was meant to just be a photo post but then i looked at the actual footage and it turned into a gifpost oops#sebastian vettel#mark webber#jenson button#nico rosberg#fernando alonso#martian#sebmark#sebson#webbonso#sico#f1#formula 1#monaco grand prix#monaco gp#we do a little bit of f1
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#we're all feeling so much and this may sound selfish but i need to vent#i feel a bit alone rn with all of this#i mean i always knew i was alone but this is just confirming it all to me#everyone in my life knows how much one direction and the boys mean to me#i dont hide from anyone at all#and most of my irl “friends” (dont even know if they can be called friends)#didnt even come to me to say something#and i know most of them saw the news#idk it just feels like it doesnt matter#and also my parents#they truly never cared aabout my likes#cant even properly name the boys even tho im always talking about them#my dad came into my room and saw me crying#and was all “what happened?” and my brother told him#he's only reaction was to say “really?” and the he left#didnt say a word to me at all#later my mom got home and i think my dad told her i was crying#so she came to my room and she at least showed a bit more interest#and asked me about it and who it was and everything#i was crying talking to her and she didnt even give me a hug#idk i felt alone again#i didnt really expect a hug from my dad but i did from my mom#and i got nothing#its like my feelings about anything matter#anyway sorry if its selfish#its just another thing making me feel sad on top of everything else#personal
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#prefacing this w ik in fanfiction they're all just our little barbie dolls we're making kiss and it doesnt matter whatsoever but like Do you#understand how much love and respect and loyalty there is between connor and leon irl#like in connors nhlpa ama he immediately no question said that leon's the nhler who knows him best + that he's spent his entire professiona#career w him. whenever leon's asked what he thinks of connor the first sentance out his mouth is 'you [the media] know. he knows' and then#he carries on talking about how he's the best player in the world + connor never hesitates to return the sentiment#and between the two of them it's not sentiments they sau it like its fact bc it is#and their whole 'cup or bust' thing every analyst and their mother have taken it as a 'they're going to win in edmonton or not at all' in t#e sense that they want to stay in edmonton n stay together <- like not even in an insane person edmonton polycule type of way in the they'r#the best players in the world and have insane chemistry on the ice and are eachother's best friends type of way#like a reason why their pp is so lethal is bc those two on a line + the other team down yeah ofc thats going to be automatic#and leon saying that their best beats anyone else's best no doubt and connor talking about building the team from the ground up like leon w#s there when they got boo'd off the ice in 2014 he was a part of building the team that's thier damn team and in turn the sheer amount of#respect the rest of the team have for them and they have for the rest of the team and the trust that while they're the best players they#don't have to play for all of them n that's part of thier whole like. our fourth line stands up to any other first line rock solid belief#like and ofc thier on ice hugs and lockerroom hugs and that moment in the sportsnet knee injury doc and how they mention that they're best#friends whenever theyre asked and how their gf's are also best friends and also their damn dogs#NOT TO MENTION. he's my ride or die. im really lucky our paths crossed here in edmonton. as a friend it was really tough to watch that#<- leon's insane 2022 playoff run on a broken ankle#and the way leon's been dubbed the german gretzky and connor's been the next next one since he was 15 and the way they have such a solid#control of the lockerroom together and i dont know if they've ever said conflicting things to the media and how they've said that they push#eachother to be better (connor saying that leon told him to score more)#and their little taps throughout their season and bringing back their team from the dead and leon being the one to make connor laugh in#pressers and on the bench#ALL TO SAY. like i am a mc.matt.drai enjoyer in the threesome/winners room/asg/2997 are actually quite abnormal about eachother and matthew#has never been normal about anything in his life and this might be fun. kinda way#but 2997 are soulbonded in ways quite possibly none of us will ever be able to truly understand#<- also i do mean this genuinely like they're not normal people but both of them are not normal#SORRY FOR RAMBLING. i just wish there was better written fanfiction.#<- wish to be the change you see in the world innit tho#so funny to me how the eh is just canadian innit.
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:)
#A nice episode :) I have a lot of headache tho and forgot everything I wanted to say#The ss/kk is nice :) It's nice every time Akutagawa spontaneously saves Atsushi seemingly with no reason to#The animation was very nice! It's evident a lot of money and effort went into this season and these last episodes in particular#And I like the art style a lot better than the one in the other seasons. Even season 4 where the animation is comparatively as good#What more. The Kyouka screentime is nice. The whole Guild aftermath celebrations section is very nice and heartwarming to watch#I still take a lot of issues with the entire way Kyouka's entrance exam was conceived but I think they're fairly self-explanatory.#Also fundamentally coherent with b/sd's general worldviews so#But even then there's a line that bothers me to an unexplainable amount from the first time I watched it to now.#The “it hurts” when she's hugging Atsushi. And I've reflected over that line so long from the moment I first heard it...#I think. Its meaning is to symbolize how being in the light sometimes will still result to be too overwhelming for Kyouka–#to the point at times it will still end up hurting her. But that doesn't make it any less worth it#So to say‚ there's no such thing as perfect happy endings. But she is going to be okay nonetheless#BUT IT STILL BUGS ME. I feel like it's part of a school of thought for whom we should just accept the fact that there's evil in the world–#that we can't eradicate. And nothing can be done about it. Which I don't think is a functional or useful way of thinking?#ALSO I know it's. Most definitely‚ 99% not how the scene is supposed to be interpreted#BUT ATSUSHI IS THE ONE HUGGING AND THUS HURTING HER and you know how there is this very slight narrative that seemingly–#frames Kyouka and Atsushi as romantic partners and like... Idk.#In that context the line almost feels expression of a narrative of wives having to bear pain that is natural and unavoidable.#I know this definitely wasn't the intended meaning it's just a bad impression for some reason I can't be able to shrug off even after years#But don't listen to me#I don't think there's anything else to add. Overall a very good episode.#Take a shot every time someone says “all according to Dazai's plan”#random rambles
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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anyways. how we doing gang < talking to no one
#i. want to explode violently#god i told myself this semester id do better but it already feels like im falling behind#fuck me dude#also lowkey forgot how nice wearing my binder feels#like it's like a real tight hug#and i get boobless !!!!#can't wait to#Hurt#in the morning#ill b fine tho i dont have gym anymore itll be all good#< also means i can start dressing cool again#< he didn't wanna get dressed for gym so he just wore like sweatpants or leggings every day#< like a loser#lol#wait what was this post about#oh yeah#fuck algebra btw#damnit dude maths supposed to be ur thang#if you can't even do that you might as well just kys#cmon#oh related kinda ive decided im going into nuclear physisc probably#whicch my mom seems a good bit happier about than me going into education lmao#sighs wistfully#but yeah i mean its interesting enough#plus something something my potential something something the only thing im good at is math#and even that. im getting worse and worse at caring about#cmon alex schools supposed to be your one strength if you stop turningshit in you really have nothing#lmao anyways enough of the emo asss talking to myself#bye
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working on another I Like You Too fic btw. i got distracted by the whole HRT wait but Im back at it again :3
#N posts stuff#it’s not the fic where augustus also gets HRT sorry girlie#it’s the follow up to ‘lazy’ actually; the next step that is the slow burn of augustus & changeling’s relationship#i do mean slow burn. they don’t decide to become explicitly romantic until After augustus gets run over#which is also around the time the HRT will also come into play for her lol#win some lose some.#no they spend a While in an ambiguous queerplatonic soup#not because of a reluctance to confess romantic feelings tho i wanna be clear about that like. the QP isn’t just a transition state#it’s its own distinct state of the relationship developing. not just a transitory thing that only exists bc a confession hasn’t#to be honest i’m probably some shade of Aro-spec honestly bc i’ve been trying to hammer out the Feelings that Augustus and Changelinf have#but honestly can’t really come up with a solid touchstone in what Romantic Feelings feel like to define it for them. but even that aside#A&C were also both going to be relatively unskilled at defining their own feelings for each other. so the notion of moving to romance isn’t#like. a natural thing it’s kind of clumsily fit into place when they decide to take that step. so idk.#maybe it’d be more accurate to call that QP in its own right? but i’ll tackle that when i get there. at the very least it’s a definitive#Commitment talk after the accident. but right now changeling is still navigating ‘i think i want her to hug me again??’ lol#like i’ve said before. eventually i know they start having sex and then eventually after that they Will get married#regardless of the intricacies of how you’d define their relationship that ceremony Is happening for them lol#but i’m not there yet!!! :3c#i like you too
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yesterday at 29.5 years old I watched as many videos as I could find from my high school marching band, choir, and theater run crew days and realized I barely have any memories of my junior year of high school (13-14 years ago btw) other than feeling bad™️
#i know i was bullied by people i considered friends and theyre all super christians now which is so discordant with who i am lol#it was def a lonely year but i also like forgot the marching band show (it was p cool)#i literally cried my eyes out when i found the 2011 marching band vids#i was like there's little lost baby me and just wanted to hug her#and say itll be okay youre gonna go through things good and bad that you cant even imagine rn#also looking back im like wow most people were in choir OR band OR run crew#very very few ppl were in all of them and possibly nobody else was in all of those when i was?#i found a kid i guess 8 years younger than me who posted all his jazz band and choir and theater vids from my hs#and thats the only other person i can think of that genuinely got involved in all of those things#being a jack of all the performing arts and master of none was lonely tho#i didnt quite fit into any of the cliques bc i was half in half out of everything#its so insane how much i changed when i got to college (two weeks/14 days after my hs grad bc summer session...)#and that change was not instant#i was a swirly mess figuring out who i was for the first two years of college#i mean life is just a swirly mess of figuring out who you are#but like i got to college and realized i barely actually resonated with anything i was doing#and let go of and then relearned to love things like choral singing and playing flute#choral singing in college was so much better than high school bc it was for fun for everyone instead of the choral girls whole personality..#also the 'best' singers from my high school mostly aren't even in music today or doing any singing outside of karaoke...#at least i wrote a whole ass ep last year???#and ive written much more music that i havent released#idk rambling tags make it sound like the identity struggle never ends but dissociating and forgetting portions of ur life doesnt help lol#t#okay bye
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...
#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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Zoro saw the kuma bomb and went well... we might need some help....
#ily ptsd (kinda)#also the eyecatcher thats luffy running arms stretched to hug his crew means everything to me actually. i get :) every time i see it#HE SHOULD HUG HIS CREW MORE!!!#<- and i am always saying this#there is a kid with pink hair and freckles in elbaf. big mom????#is shanks friend with the giants who were guarding ennies lobby???#nvm its the pair from little garden#why is yasopp stunting on his name card frame....#i actually dont respect shanks decision go get the poneglypsh for yourself you lazy ass#didnt fight kaido didnt fight big mom had to wait for luffy and kid and law to end them so he could get the poneglyphs????#coward. pussy. what else. whore.#they dont want to get paid for protection.... bitch#i have one sided beef with shanks. dont even know why tbh he just makes me mad sometimes#i mean i know why i have my reasons. o forget about them sometimes tho#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1109
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identity crisis all day every day
its like a party in your brain but you want to go home and the people there are gender dysphoria, imposter syndrome, envy and the dickeads from your school
#its 2am i have no idea what this means either#not doin good tho boys#cw vent#sort of???#tagging just in case#chase talks#i want a hug#ok goodnight#*watches all of sanders sides in one sitting*
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gm
thinkin of them <3
#jupiter.speaks#❤️.dion#❤️.joshua#> if i havent said before. giant polycule mcgee here#> not mid tho shes awesome n kinda reminds me of an irl friend lmao#> i think she was confirmed to be like 16 in the book abt ff16? so always sus when ppl bring her up in relation to joshua#> i get why- they had a cute hug scene! but he is like 28 here lets be fr#> love the way they both react to getting a hug its make so emotional. joshuas so glad to receive affection n dion is so surprised#> like yes boys u do infact deserve good things. crazy that#> also just to clarify when i say i get why i mean the game is dreadful for giving out canon ages. u gotta do like in relation to joshua#> im so fr thats how i do all my timeline maths 😭 oh how old was joshua here? 10? great. wonderful. do not tell me the year of the realm#> i dont understand the calendar year in xvi and im too scared to find out. why did they only start counting ~800yrs ago
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Large doggo not aware of her size or how sharp her claws are
Paw to the face
Clawed my nose
Ow
#she was jealous cuz i was hugging precious#so she tackled us and clawed me in the face#precious used the distraction to steal the tug#apparently precious doesnt even play with toys at home#she just wants the toys cuz chewby wants them#i fuckin love dogs man#theyre so funny to watch#even tho chewby comes close to giving me a bloody nose at least once a week cuz she forgets how big she is#like a 65 pound puppy#its funny how little dogs act like theyre bigger than they are and big dogs seem to think theyre much smaller than they are#i mean chewbys definitely more of a big chicken than she likes to act#calling her chewby doo is very fitting#she acts tough and shes big and has a deep voice and is all muscly so that works in her favor#but shes just a big scaredy cat#its just funny after having a chihuahua that had no fear or awareness of her own personal safety#that dog woulda jumped off a cliff if you threw a steak over it#no self preservation instincts in that little dog#she tried to fight a coyote once
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