#i mean im angry but ill be fine
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stupid fucking animation software compressing my files to shit for no reason
#it wasnt fucking doing this before what changed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#this is why i havent updated citrus in a few days i was so excited to actually make it and update it super often this summer#what the fuck ever man#im pissed#im okay#i mean im angry but ill be fine#ill just try and fix it tomorrow and if i cant then whatever#my doubts are starting to kick in so im just going to try and stop thinking about it for a bit#god im actually super angry its kind of freaking me out why am i so pissed#i feel like i cant think about anything else#maybe i need an apple snack that might make me feel a little better#sigh i just want to show you guys citrus so bad#hopefully ill be able to get my shit to work again soon#sigh ok#im gonna make some apple and peanut butter now#and think about ace attourney#if anybody here likes ace attourney id love to talk about it :3#i havent actually played the games but ive watched a bunch of videos about the first game#so id love to maybe hear any of your guys' opinions on the games and what you like about them!
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I'm so mad that so far the only good robin!jason content i've ever found is his original run. Everything i've seen since has just been making him out to be the Angry Bad Problem Child and victim blaming him for dying. How is it that the only fucking good characterization of him is 20 issues from the 1980s
#my dc posting#jason todd#dc#jaybin#robin jason todd#i love jaybin so much but by god there is no fucking content#ppl are just obsessed w making him out to be Bad and Angry to make him becoming red hood make more sense in their heads#look thats what he was always going to be. that what he was always on the track for. look at how angry and unstable he was#SHUT UPPP#from comics anything told to me abt his time as robin after his death means nothing to me#everyone has a different version of canon in their mind and mine will never include a single bit of info abt jaybin said after his death#i have the most horrible brainrotting ''he would not fucking say that'' abt jaybin. nobody gets him like i dooo#<- said as someone who has been angry and problematic and difficult since a young age bc of trauma and mental illness and shit#AND JASON WASNT EVEN HALF AS BAD AS ME#im gonna go reread his og robin run. my safe space#sorry im being soooo annoying abt jaybin rn i just. i love him#i feel like most people only see jaybin as the precursor to red hood#jaybin is only worth something as the backstory of red hood#which like. its fine to like the red hood version of him most#but i like jaybin :( he's my robin. like if there's a robin in a story i'd want it to be jason#so many fics would be sooo good to me if they did not unnecessarily have jason arguing with bruce abt the no-kill thing while STILL ROBIN??#like what are we doing thereeee#ok sorry im done being annoying and venty and whiny now
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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I just need to rant for a second :)
Screaming into the void please dont judge me
#that feeling when you and the person you live with have to move out of two rooms of your flat because the flooring had to be done there#and your girlfriend just. doesnt. do. anything. unless you strongarm her into it at which point she snaps at you and treats you#like you are unreasonable for not letting her just sit there and ply video games while you do all the work#eventhough its her fault that we didnt even have a full week to prepare for it because she just took the fastest possible appointment for it#when they called her to do the appointment#also sitting there like 'it will be fine we can do it in time' yea no shit because i am actually doing all the fucking work#its not like i usually do almost all the chores anyways#i ask her to help me move her pottet plants she is just like 'no. not because i dont want to help but because i dont want to move them'#why does she have to act as if she is doing me a fucking favour when putting away her own stuff that she never cleans up otherwise anyways#i am tired#like great. let me just do all of the work and then get angry at me when i ask you when you will be able to cook after taking 'me time'#because i have to clean out the kitchen but you thought it was a good idea to bring meat that has to be cooked today#because from tomorrow on we wont have a kitchen for 7 days#but then you definetly wont do the dishes after cooking which means ill have to do it#ontop of all the other stuff#idk im just annoyed#incredibly annoyed
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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hmm i like actually wanna kms
#big oof 🥴#if i try to talk im dramatic and emotional and only met with judgement ....#if i try to push it all down and pretend everythings fine i feel like im slowly dying#if i try to ask for help ppl only slap my hand away and dismiss me#if i complain im a negative pos who everyone hates#if i stfu and dont talk i feel miserable and like i have this big lump in my throat and i cant breathe#im never right or ok or valid or anything. im always wrong.....#im sad and lonely bc all i want is for someone to really truly love me and hold me#but truth is nobody cares that much if i would actually kms#but then im pathetic and whiny for crying in pain since i feel so alone and worthless#like honestlyyyy u can never win in life and esp if you're mentally ill and disordered and traumatized#and also just extremely sensitive even if u could choose u would choose to feel nothing#but ppl always complain no matter what i do :// im always doing smth wrong smth bad#like i didnt ask for everything that happened to me to happend and i didnt ask for it to shape me#and i dont want this or be like this bc my life is nothing but a miserable worthless waste of space#but im trying but im all alone in a dark hole like 12ft underground#and people who might see me wont do anything to help or just walk on their merry way#they will take a shovel and shovel even more dirt on top of me and make it even harder for me to crawl out of this hole#and like idek what im talking abt but this world is insane and people are fucking insane#and all everyone has is judgement and cruelness and calousness and like#ppl are just mean and they get personally attacked and angry if you dont live according to their standards and views and idk#ppl are insane and i feel so alone and im lying here knowing that my life is absolutely nothing#and im tired and i just wanna not exist. but really all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me i matter bc ive never#wanted to be saved. i've only ever wanted to be seen and known and like idfk.... i just dont#feel good but as always... i have to lie here alone and try not to kms bc i dont have anyone to ask to just talk to me for a little moment#like i cant even imagine... asking someone like hey i wanna kms pls talk to me for a moment#and have them reply immediately and idk i wouldnt even need long just like 10 minutes.#sigh idek what im rambling on abt im just so sick and tired and exhausted and i dont wanna die not really#but im so exhausted bc i have to carry this pain every day and people are so fucking awful but i dont wanna be alone and i just dont know
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wonderful insight past me, thank u
#getting personal in the tags brace urself#oh my god i fucking hate the whole breed of abusers who talk like therapists#or worse! actually go into the field! fuckin hell#man i sure wonder what mightve happened at the beginning of the year that made me write that down#anyways dont trust discord strangers bc its like 50/50 on if theyll turn out to be a fucking ghoul#and hey. this also goes for the ones who talk about being abuse victims. whether or not theyve been abused is irrelevant to how they treat#personal#forgot to put that earlier. lol#maybe im just writing a letter to my past self. just to prove i didnt deserve to be mistreated. none of us deserved that.#that other people hurting you just means they hurt someone and it doesnt say anything about you#whats the stage of grief after rage again. bc i think we went thru the sad and angry already#ill look it up. its fine#3-4 is think about feelings time i guess lol
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...
#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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for what its worth, yeah, charlie/hoyt's gonna be an npc / bg muse and only will be thrown at those comfortable with his nasty [ insert banjo solo ] ass being tossed their way uwu
#meaning there will be hoyt jumpscares from time to time mostly when any interaction happens to occur at the hewitt property.#and while i want it to be very well known that yes he is a fucking creep - im keeping a limit to that considering what hes hinted at doing#in canon. so. be aware i have zero intention on him going into those implied points - but know he will likely do / say some creep shit.#hes a leery - grossly flirty - delusional asshole who thinks hes gods gift to the world (read: women) basically.#which is why i say ill only toss him at those who are fine with things up to a certain point / with him in general as a character.#but truly? my intention with him as a muse is frankly for literally anyone to absolutely let their muses' go ham on his ass FBNJSK#hes here to be an ass - to say shit to rile people up - get them not thinking straight and fuck up when they get angry at the shit he spews#like know he absolutely will and is gonna make comments about the friends to each of them to piss them off. comment on those injured/maria.#but please if he appears in an interaction know you can let your muse literally do whatever the fuck to him - beat his ass kill him idc#he deserves it all and i wholeheartedly welcome it frankly uwu#[ 𝟎𝟎 ] ── * 𝐎𝐎𝐂. { renee. }#now i crawl into bed uwu
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literally anytime someone mentions gluten in food there are people talking about how people complain about lack of gluten free foods or how its not actually bad for you or how only a small percent of people can't actually eat it and im so fucking tired of hearing this everytime i go on a forum or comment section regarding gluten like yeah celiac disease is pretty rare but people still have it !! i have it. people (mostly) arent faking their gluten intolerances. its not a fad as people think it is. why should i have to prove to people that me eating gluten can cause me permanant organ damage. the misinformation is making me pissed. until you have to come to the realization that you might develop stomach cancer or dementia at like age 50 please don't talk over people with celiac disease
#vent post kinda. i mean im angry but im not being poetic about it#im not super angry or anything i just feel annoyed#gluten free jokes arent like. offensive to me theyre just over used#but when people shit like 'gluten free diets are nothing but fads' or 'only (percentage) of people cant eat gluten why should i care'#its frustrating. i didnt choose to lose the genetic lottery man#and the thing i said about stomach cancer and dementia? yeah.#the risk goes down if you stick to a gluten free diet but it's still a horrible thing#i can't eat gluten free because im poor. i signed up for a food insecurity gluten free food subscription for free#but i've yet to recieve any and i really can't afford to eat gluten free for the most part#trying my best though.#sorry for the long ass post and tags im just tired of this same argument everytime#also made me realize if i ever went to hamham pangpang with friends like i always wanted to#i wouldnt be able to eat anything there :[ but as long as i get to see the hokma cutout ill be fine👍
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🦋
#turbo is gone. my heart isnt beating anymore i think.#my face+eyes are so raw that i can feel them hurting through the crushing numbness&disassociation breaking my heart in half.#i cant even be angry that i cant even afford to cremate him. just. watching myself from outside my body#going through the motions to get the money together to have his body taken off my porch before i go insane#&trying not to think about him. gone. after a decade together.#turbo is gone. this cant be real. ill wake up and this note wont exist bc he will be fine. i am not doing emergency work#to scrape together the money to have him cremated. that would mean hes gone. he isnt gone. this cant be real.#im going to open this app in the morning&this wont exist bc this isnt real#it cannot be real.
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every day i have to deal with my father doing some kind of bullshit on top of screaming every day
#he just threw a huge fit about what i was making for dinner. not bc hes allergic he doesnt have any food allergies he just#was acting like hes a spoiled child and like im his parent who has to attend to his every stupid whim#on top of him just being very mean and angry all the time so he threw a fit until i was like ok fine ill do this thing that#makes it 10 times harder to cook and will take twice the time especially since cookinf can already be hard especially when#my routine of it gets interrupted or changed. anyway km just tired of it all.tm
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living with someone with untreated mental illness is like. i understand why you're like this and i do empathize but also like. jesus fucking christ get some help before i throttle you i stg
#i hate my sis so much. like i get it. i really do. a lot of how she acts is due to mental illness and trauma but at the same time she also#just really shitty. like ik recovery is different for everyone and you move at your own pace but she just. isnt recovering at all it seems#like its been 6yrs since we got out and my mom and i have worked really hard on getting better and changing our behaviors#all the while shes just getting worse and worse to be around. like shes legitimatrly turning into my (abusive) father#its terrifying honestly but we cant do anything about it bc you cant talk to her#you say like ''hey this thing you did upset me can you please try to not do that again'' not angry or anything and she starts crying and#yelling bc youre triggering her and its not fair and nobody loves her and like. i get that some people cry a lot and thats fine! i get that#but its literally impossible to talk to her about anything bc she acts like shes the victim and youre fuckin evil for telling her to please#not put her dirty clothes on my shelf i dont like that please. like thats not an unreasonable request and im not being mean about it! but#im the bad guy for doing anything that critisises her.#and she treats my mom like shit. like i could deal w her being a bitch to me but to momma? fuck no.#i dont believe you owe your parents shit but my mom has been a fucking saint when life dealt her a hand that shouldve made her a devil#she did her absolute best and *she* was the one that sacrificed everything to get us out#and my sister treats her like shes an incapable selfish idiot.#and she never lets me talk. shell talk for an hour about smth she knows i dont care about but when i try to tell her like. hey my fav band#is putting out a new album or smth im real excited about. she gets on her phone and just ignores me.#and she KNOWS this triggers me badly its made me suicidal before and yknow what happened then? i had to apologize for making HER feel bad#she talks over both of us but it you start talking when she was THINKING about talking she has a fit#and she actively tries to gaslight my mom. like im dead fuckin serious my mom has to ask me if smth really happened bc my sis told her it#did/didnt and she has to get me to confirm the truth for her#and she treats her pets like crap she should not be allowed to have pets bc she just loses interest in them and stops taking care of them#and we have to pick up the slack#its literally just like being with my dad again. walking on eggshells all the time#my mom cant watch tv at night bc ellie gets pissed at her for ''waking her up''. even tho she claims she never sleeps.#i hate her so so much i want to punch her i want her to move out i want to never ever see her again#but rn we cant afford to live on our own. so we have to stay with her#anyway.#vent#tw abuse
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well shit
#tw suicide#my train is delayed cause someone just killed themselves.#the fact that my very first thought was 'god i wish that were me' may suggest that im not as fine as i thought i am lol#anyway. i know people have the right to be annoyed. everyone's making phonecalls and some people are really. i mean. idk. a person just died#'joł no słuchaj ja się spóźnię bo ktoś właśnie ✨strzelił samobója✨' bruh#like idk im just feeling this really strongly for some reason.#prolly because my suicide plans have always involved a train too so i just cant bring myself to be annoyed at this person#idk ill be thinking about them a lot these next few days im afraid. i just hope they didnt regret it at the end.#its so stupid but im sitting here while everyone is so fckn annoyed and angry feeling like the monkey meme#like 'they dont know its probable ill delay a train too one day 😬' sorry yall
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YOU MAKE ME SO FUCKING SICK
I KNOW WHAT IS REAL
EVEN IF HE WAS NOT
EVEN IF NONE OF THAT WAS
WHAT I KNOW IS HE WAS KIND
HE CARED SO MUCH
HE TRIED TO HELP ME
EVERY ITERATION THAT IS MINE--
EVERY ITERATION HAS HELD ME
AND HE IS NOT THE EXCEPTION
HE DID NOT DO THAT TO ME
(YOU DID! YOU DID THAT TO ME!)
#wolf barking#having a real normal one#im. fine just. angry at things i thought i was past apparently not being past#this is abt my primary abuser not . anyone here#the 'you' i mean. 'he'. well. ill givr you 3 guesses
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grumble grumble. kind of want to call out for work, im deadass too depressed for this shit rn
#fool's monologue#everything feels wrong world sucks my body is betraying me and i kinda dont wanna have to deal with shitass ppl on a wednesday#srry for complaining so much recently ik im doing it a lot but at the same time man fuck. shit sucks. no shit fucking sucks#god i cant i wont like i need the money but im not even at work yet and im feeling angry and tense. dude one of these days im actually goin#to explode#anyhow whatever ill be fine im justt... too much on my mind and im being overly negative about everything. i just gotta close my eyes and#breathe and let the time pass me by and hope#im just kind of. i really dont wanna do any of it anymore like whatever that means idk but im sticking around anyway bc i know i have to#whatever whatever whatever. gotta suck it up and move#mfw i keep lying to my doctors and telling them im managing symptoms but i am not im just swallowing it up again#like its gonnabe fine ergh fuck. right. whatever. like im. scrambled thoughts and feelings thats all itll be im gonna jump over this im jus#man who fucking cares im gonna get over this in a few hours idgaf.#its all gonna be Ayeeeeeeeee okay
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