#i mean im angry but ill be fine
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stupid fucking animation software compressing my files to shit for no reason
#it wasnt fucking doing this before what changed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#this is why i havent updated citrus in a few days i was so excited to actually make it and update it super often this summer#what the fuck ever man#im pissed#im okay#i mean im angry but ill be fine#ill just try and fix it tomorrow and if i cant then whatever#my doubts are starting to kick in so im just going to try and stop thinking about it for a bit#god im actually super angry its kind of freaking me out why am i so pissed#i feel like i cant think about anything else#maybe i need an apple snack that might make me feel a little better#sigh i just want to show you guys citrus so bad#hopefully ill be able to get my shit to work again soon#sigh ok#im gonna make some apple and peanut butter now#and think about ace attourney#if anybody here likes ace attourney id love to talk about it :3#i havent actually played the games but ive watched a bunch of videos about the first game#so id love to maybe hear any of your guys' opinions on the games and what you like about them!
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I'm so mad that so far the only good robin!jason content i've ever found is his original run. Everything i've seen since has just been making him out to be the Angry Bad Problem Child and victim blaming him for dying. How is it that the only fucking good characterization of him is 20 issues from the 1980s
#my dc posting#jason todd#dc#jaybin#robin jason todd#i love jaybin so much but by god there is no fucking content#ppl are just obsessed w making him out to be Bad and Angry to make him becoming red hood make more sense in their heads#look thats what he was always going to be. that what he was always on the track for. look at how angry and unstable he was#SHUT UPPP#from comics anything told to me abt his time as robin after his death means nothing to me#everyone has a different version of canon in their mind and mine will never include a single bit of info abt jaybin said after his death#i have the most horrible brainrotting ''he would not fucking say that'' abt jaybin. nobody gets him like i dooo#<- said as someone who has been angry and problematic and difficult since a young age bc of trauma and mental illness and shit#AND JASON WASNT EVEN HALF AS BAD AS ME#im gonna go reread his og robin run. my safe space#sorry im being soooo annoying abt jaybin rn i just. i love him#i feel like most people only see jaybin as the precursor to red hood#jaybin is only worth something as the backstory of red hood#which like. its fine to like the red hood version of him most#but i like jaybin :( he's my robin. like if there's a robin in a story i'd want it to be jason#so many fics would be sooo good to me if they did not unnecessarily have jason arguing with bruce abt the no-kill thing while STILL ROBIN??#like what are we doing thereeee#ok sorry im done being annoying and venty and whiny now
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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I just need to rant for a second :)
Screaming into the void please dont judge me
#that feeling when you and the person you live with have to move out of two rooms of your flat because the flooring had to be done there#and your girlfriend just. doesnt. do. anything. unless you strongarm her into it at which point she snaps at you and treats you#like you are unreasonable for not letting her just sit there and ply video games while you do all the work#eventhough its her fault that we didnt even have a full week to prepare for it because she just took the fastest possible appointment for it#when they called her to do the appointment#also sitting there like 'it will be fine we can do it in time' yea no shit because i am actually doing all the fucking work#its not like i usually do almost all the chores anyways#i ask her to help me move her pottet plants she is just like 'no. not because i dont want to help but because i dont want to move them'#why does she have to act as if she is doing me a fucking favour when putting away her own stuff that she never cleans up otherwise anyways#i am tired#like great. let me just do all of the work and then get angry at me when i ask you when you will be able to cook after taking 'me time'#because i have to clean out the kitchen but you thought it was a good idea to bring meat that has to be cooked today#because from tomorrow on we wont have a kitchen for 7 days#but then you definetly wont do the dishes after cooking which means ill have to do it#ontop of all the other stuff#idk im just annoyed#incredibly annoyed
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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wonderful insight past me, thank u
#getting personal in the tags brace urself#oh my god i fucking hate the whole breed of abusers who talk like therapists#or worse! actually go into the field! fuckin hell#man i sure wonder what mightve happened at the beginning of the year that made me write that down#anyways dont trust discord strangers bc its like 50/50 on if theyll turn out to be a fucking ghoul#and hey. this also goes for the ones who talk about being abuse victims. whether or not theyve been abused is irrelevant to how they treat#personal#forgot to put that earlier. lol#maybe im just writing a letter to my past self. just to prove i didnt deserve to be mistreated. none of us deserved that.#that other people hurting you just means they hurt someone and it doesnt say anything about you#whats the stage of grief after rage again. bc i think we went thru the sad and angry already#ill look it up. its fine#3-4 is think about feelings time i guess lol
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#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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for what its worth, yeah, charlie/hoyt's gonna be an npc / bg muse and only will be thrown at those comfortable with his nasty [ insert banjo solo ] ass being tossed their way uwu
#meaning there will be hoyt jumpscares from time to time mostly when any interaction happens to occur at the hewitt property.#and while i want it to be very well known that yes he is a fucking creep - im keeping a limit to that considering what hes hinted at doing#in canon. so. be aware i have zero intention on him going into those implied points - but know he will likely do / say some creep shit.#hes a leery - grossly flirty - delusional asshole who thinks hes gods gift to the world (read: women) basically.#which is why i say ill only toss him at those who are fine with things up to a certain point / with him in general as a character.#but truly? my intention with him as a muse is frankly for literally anyone to absolutely let their muses' go ham on his ass FBNJSK#hes here to be an ass - to say shit to rile people up - get them not thinking straight and fuck up when they get angry at the shit he spews#like know he absolutely will and is gonna make comments about the friends to each of them to piss them off. comment on those injured/maria.#but please if he appears in an interaction know you can let your muse literally do whatever the fuck to him - beat his ass kill him idc#he deserves it all and i wholeheartedly welcome it frankly uwu#[ 𝟎𝟎 ] ── * 𝐎𝐎𝐂. { renee. }#now i crawl into bed uwu
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literally anytime someone mentions gluten in food there are people talking about how people complain about lack of gluten free foods or how its not actually bad for you or how only a small percent of people can't actually eat it and im so fucking tired of hearing this everytime i go on a forum or comment section regarding gluten like yeah celiac disease is pretty rare but people still have it !! i have it. people (mostly) arent faking their gluten intolerances. its not a fad as people think it is. why should i have to prove to people that me eating gluten can cause me permanant organ damage. the misinformation is making me pissed. until you have to come to the realization that you might develop stomach cancer or dementia at like age 50 please don't talk over people with celiac disease
#vent post kinda. i mean im angry but im not being poetic about it#im not super angry or anything i just feel annoyed#gluten free jokes arent like. offensive to me theyre just over used#but when people shit like 'gluten free diets are nothing but fads' or 'only (percentage) of people cant eat gluten why should i care'#its frustrating. i didnt choose to lose the genetic lottery man#and the thing i said about stomach cancer and dementia? yeah.#the risk goes down if you stick to a gluten free diet but it's still a horrible thing#i can't eat gluten free because im poor. i signed up for a food insecurity gluten free food subscription for free#but i've yet to recieve any and i really can't afford to eat gluten free for the most part#trying my best though.#sorry for the long ass post and tags im just tired of this same argument everytime#also made me realize if i ever went to hamham pangpang with friends like i always wanted to#i wouldnt be able to eat anything there :[ but as long as i get to see the hokma cutout ill be fine👍
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🦋
#turbo is gone. my heart isnt beating anymore i think.#my face+eyes are so raw that i can feel them hurting through the crushing numbness&disassociation breaking my heart in half.#i cant even be angry that i cant even afford to cremate him. just. watching myself from outside my body#going through the motions to get the money together to have his body taken off my porch before i go insane#&trying not to think about him. gone. after a decade together.#turbo is gone. this cant be real. ill wake up and this note wont exist bc he will be fine. i am not doing emergency work#to scrape together the money to have him cremated. that would mean hes gone. he isnt gone. this cant be real.#im going to open this app in the morning&this wont exist bc this isnt real#it cannot be real.
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every day i have to deal with my father doing some kind of bullshit on top of screaming every day
#he just threw a huge fit about what i was making for dinner. not bc hes allergic he doesnt have any food allergies he just#was acting like hes a spoiled child and like im his parent who has to attend to his every stupid whim#on top of him just being very mean and angry all the time so he threw a fit until i was like ok fine ill do this thing that#makes it 10 times harder to cook and will take twice the time especially since cookinf can already be hard especially when#my routine of it gets interrupted or changed. anyway km just tired of it all.tm
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YOU MAKE ME SO FUCKING SICK
I KNOW WHAT IS REAL
EVEN IF HE WAS NOT
EVEN IF NONE OF THAT WAS
WHAT I KNOW IS HE WAS KIND
HE CARED SO MUCH
HE TRIED TO HELP ME
EVERY ITERATION THAT IS MINE--
EVERY ITERATION HAS HELD ME
AND HE IS NOT THE EXCEPTION
HE DID NOT DO THAT TO ME
(YOU DID! YOU DID THAT TO ME!)
#wolf barking#having a real normal one#im. fine just. angry at things i thought i was past apparently not being past#this is abt my primary abuser not . anyone here#the 'you' i mean. 'he'. well. ill givr you 3 guesses
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grumble grumble. kind of want to call out for work, im deadass too depressed for this shit rn
#fool's monologue#everything feels wrong world sucks my body is betraying me and i kinda dont wanna have to deal with shitass ppl on a wednesday#srry for complaining so much recently ik im doing it a lot but at the same time man fuck. shit sucks. no shit fucking sucks#god i cant i wont like i need the money but im not even at work yet and im feeling angry and tense. dude one of these days im actually goin#to explode#anyhow whatever ill be fine im justt... too much on my mind and im being overly negative about everything. i just gotta close my eyes and#breathe and let the time pass me by and hope#im just kind of. i really dont wanna do any of it anymore like whatever that means idk but im sticking around anyway bc i know i have to#whatever whatever whatever. gotta suck it up and move#mfw i keep lying to my doctors and telling them im managing symptoms but i am not im just swallowing it up again#like its gonnabe fine ergh fuck. right. whatever. like im. scrambled thoughts and feelings thats all itll be im gonna jump over this im jus#man who fucking cares im gonna get over this in a few hours idgaf.#its all gonna be Ayeeeeeeeee okay
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well shit
#tw suicide#my train is delayed cause someone just killed themselves.#the fact that my very first thought was 'god i wish that were me' may suggest that im not as fine as i thought i am lol#anyway. i know people have the right to be annoyed. everyone's making phonecalls and some people are really. i mean. idk. a person just died#'joł no słuchaj ja się spóźnię bo ktoś właśnie ✨strzelił samobója✨' bruh#like idk im just feeling this really strongly for some reason.#prolly because my suicide plans have always involved a train too so i just cant bring myself to be annoyed at this person#idk ill be thinking about them a lot these next few days im afraid. i just hope they didnt regret it at the end.#its so stupid but im sitting here while everyone is so fckn annoyed and angry feeling like the monkey meme#like 'they dont know its probable ill delay a train too one day 😬' sorry yall
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hypnosis : bambi!reader who caught s2!rafes eye the moment he met her planting roses in the middle of summer.
warnings : cursing
word count : 456
authors note : hi angels! this is my first little drabble, and i really hope you’ll enjoy! if you have any requests for new characters, drabble, fics, etc. my requests are pretty much always open! i’m willing to write about most things so go for it! i’d also like to thank @cameronsprincess for reading this through, you’re amazing! enjoy <3333
“the fuck are you doin’?” rafe had wandered to far from home after a particular bad fight with his father, and in his red hot angry rage - he found himself in a small meadow somewhere behind tanneyhills huge forest. “hm?” the brown haired girl had turned to the voice, her hands muddy and earthy from planting the beautiful flower she adored so much.
“i said what the fuck are you doing?” the second time around he’s growing more annoyed that the stupidly cute and deer like girl ignored his question the first time. “oh! m’ planting some roses! they’re beautiful aren’t they?” she chirps, her pink and glossy lips curving into a huge smile.
rafe scoffs, crossing his stupidly large arms over his perfectly fitted polo - “why the fuck are you planting flowers in the middle of fuckin’ summer.” his comment makes the girl frown, why so mean? “you don’t… you don’t like my roses?” her once bright smile, and peppy eyes slowly melt into a soft, adorable pout.
“hey - hey stop that, i never fuckin said i didn’t —“ before he can even explain himself the tears have already started to flow down the girl’s beautiful rosy red cheeks - making rafe feel… bad?
no, that can’t be it. rafe cameron doesn’t feel bad, that’s for… that’s for pussies, well that’s what ward tells him.
“a’right stop cryin’ s’ not that serious.” he leans down and grabs the small girl by her shoulders, pulling her in for an awkward yet warm hug, one that he isn’t used to. “you’re fine kid.”
she sniffles once, then twice - then a few times more before he’s grown tired of the hug, pushing her body back gently to stand back up on his expensive shoes. “what’s your name.”
“it’s y/n” there it is, that smile that made his heart skip a beat at the first sight of her - “bambi.” she cocks an eyebrow at him, a giggle escaping past her glossy pink and plump lips, “bambi?”
“yeah, bambi. you look like a deer, and you’re lurkin’ in the middle of the fuckin woods like one of em’ so you’re bambi.” the explanation falls to short ears, she doesn’t care about why - she likes it, bambi.
bambi, bambi, bambi.
“do you want to… plant a flower? it’s very relaxing!” he wants to say no — he really does, but with the flutter of her lashes, and the way she pulls her lips in between her perfectly white teeth, it’s hard to resist it.
“sure — whatever, don’t make this shit take forever.” with a blinding smile she pats the spot next to her, beckoning that boy next to her, in which he sits carefully.
“so first you…”
‘well bambi, you’re my deer now.’
another a/n: i really hope you enjoyed reading this, and if you ever have any problems with what i write im more than welcome to critique and for you to request anything! i’m still trying to figure out this tumblr thing with how to put together a masterlist but ill get there eventually! <3
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Heard about one of my abuser today
He goes on on his life. He doesn’t seem to have mature - I hoped he changed at least
I hope one day he realizes what he has done to me
#as much as i want to hate him he was a child like me#i just cant#im angry. insanely. but im also so sad. for both of us. i pity both of us#if he grows up to be an insufferable adult - so be it#i wont ever like him. god knows i dont want to see him again even after all those years. I dont want to know how he changed#(physically and personality-wise)#me being able to sympathize with his child-self doesnt mean ill tolerate his today-self#anyway. i just hope his mom is doing fine#shes the only one in this family who goes through hell even tho she really doesnt deserve to#i really want to see her but alas. my mom says she wont be able to handle it since she can barely see her own children
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