#i made so many mistakes!! but! no one cares but me

[icarusredwings]

I dont CARE that it's November 9th and "Halloweens over" ITS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH ILL POST IF I WANT TOO

Anyway.

Thinking about apocolpse au.

Wade getting bitten by a zombie, Logan freaking out, Wade dying, and him coming back (Again)

"Didn't you just die?? I literally fucking burried you!!"

And wades like:

"Of course. Man, God REALLY hates you dosn't he?"

And he's bassically the same person except just saying, "Rahhah har ran re" (translation: I think the devil doesn't want me either)

"What?? Oh for fucks sake... tell me you're kidding.."

"Rah?" 🤔

"Great so now you stink more and you can't talk. Fucking lovely."

"Mmmmh..." 🥺 (would you still love me if I was a zombie?)

"*sighs, blushes and grumbles how insane this is and how much of a bad idea this is* Fine! Come on...."

"Raah!!" 😄

And sometimes his limbs fall off because I think it would be funny if you just saw him stop, turn around, pick up his arm and shove it back into place like a dislocated shoulder. (Marvel Magic)

But its very obvious that Wade is still consious and so logan leads him around, puts a leash on him, ties him up when he goes to sleep the first few nights so wade dosn't eat him, sometimes luring him with a piece of his thigh or telling him he'll feed him soon to make him behave.

The only thing about this resource wise is that it seems Wade is a bottomless pit, not ever able to get enough. It's like all the nutrients just pass right through him, so he can't get fed meals daily, but Logan will share at least one bite of his food. It makes Wade so happy and way more "wade like" than zombie.

Logan has learned that the hungrier Wade gets the worse it would be, snapping at logan a few times.

"Grr-"

"Aye! That's enough outta ya"

"GggRah!"

"Hey!! I said no! Bad! Bad wade!"

"Mmmh??"

"Bad!!"

"Mmh....rahah.."

"I forgive you. But stop trying to bite me. I feed you, don't I? I hold your hand and tell you that I love you?"

Wade is actually extremely friendly for a zombie (duh) and still yaps at logan except its nonsense. Logan tries hard to understand him and talk back.

He holds his hand sometimes, even lays next to him only to scold him if he gets too bitey. This is hard because wade already had a biting issue and seeing as he practically ate anything or anybody now it was more difficult.

"...aahh-"

"Wade- No."

"Ggr.. raahh"

"Wade! No! Bad."

"Mmmh..."

"Ill feed you tomarrow. Don't bite me mkay? You wanna hurt me?"

He shakes his head like a dog shaking off from a bath, or that ate a bee.

"Then don't bite me."

"Mmh? Mrah?"

"No. No kisses right now. Im still not even sure if thats safe.."

"Mmmh...🥺 ahrrah?"

"No, not even a tiny one."

"Mm...😔"

Until Logan grunts and pecks his hand. "There. Happy?"

"🙂‍↕️mh"

"Good."

Honestly Logan felt bad, pitited him. No matter what food he ate it wasnt enough substance to sustain him and sometimes Logan would wake up to find him eating a different zombie that made the mistake of trying to eat Logan.

You ever wake up in the morning, lose your zombie boyfriend, call for him only to walk outside and see him knawing on some poor chaps arm like a happy puppy who found a chicken leg? Logan has. Many times. And he wishes his phone would charge so he could take a picture of it but unfortunately theres no electricity in the post apocalypse world.

This being said Logan is like- THE perfect guy for apocalypse au because he can smell everything and hear anyone before they even get to you, he has better wilderness survival skills then anyone I know and he'll never NOT have a weapon on him because of his claws. The only downside is that he's tired easily, needs a lot of food, and would lowkey be withdrawing from his tabccao and alchool, therefore very moody.

"Stupid fucking apocalypse having to happen when im fucking alive!! Why can't I just NOT live through ONE major historical event! Is that too fucking much to ask? One damn decade where everything is fine and dandy and- WADE! Get your ass away from that!! It's radioactive!! For fucks sake!"

"Rahahrah?"

"NO!! You can not become Spiderman! That's not how that works!"

"Aawr..😔"

The whole thing is they're on a quest to find Laura and Gabby, because when everything went to shit, they were on a cabin trip and now Logans brain is itching because he dosn't know where his babies are and its driving him insane. Once he finds them, they're gonna shack up somewhere with food and animals to hunt, and hes gonna make a little shed outside for Wade to sleep because he'll kill him if he bites one of the girls.

He dosnt care that much about himself really and he hates himself deep down for not being able to trust wade anymore but even wade dosnt trust wade, sometimes wandering off on purpose, staying about 30 feet away from him at all times, growling and giving Logan that glazed over look of unconsiousness. The only good thing about this, though, is after he removes himself from the idea of hurting Logan (because if logaj were to become infected - HA! Your all fucked. Utterly fucked. The whole humanoid species would go extinct because he'd kill anything that moved) he feels more trusting of him and it's not uncommon for them to hug after either. Afterall Wade- Some how???- is still wade and is very affectionate and sensitive when its not returned.

This whole thing also makes him think worse about himself, kicking reflective objects or staring at himself in a shop window in utter shock and disgust with a face of 'thats me..?' While logans raiding the place for supplies.

Did you know zombies can cry? Well, Wade could. Not a lot, only able to get a bit of liquid from dehydration, but sometimes Logan will catch him just... sitting there.. crying. Upset with himself for being bit. Upset with himself for trying to bite logan all the time. Upset at how ugly he is. Upset that he's starving all the time. Upset that he can't even talk to anyone, and Logan just has to guess what he's saying 90% of the time. Bro is literally

When they DO find Laura and Gabby, the girls are doing great. Laura was going to blow wades head off until Gabby ran in the shot, hugging him instantly, only to be ripped away.

"Of course my dad is the weirdo married to a zombie." Laura grunts, but is secrelty happy that wade is still 'alive'

Gabby, being as young as she is, thinks it's so SICK that her dad is a zombie now, giggling when he talks to her and holding his hand. She's not allowed near him for long, and not at all by herself, but Gabby bassically becomes Wades number one supporter, defending him when he messes up and snaps at laura.

"He's just hungry!! He's not bad! It's not bad to be hungry!" She'll say. "You wouldn't kill me if I was hungry.." she tells her bigger, more survival oriented sister whos suggested putting wade out of his misery, for his own sake. "I tried that... he found me again 3 days later." Logan tells her with a pang in his chest. It had taken everything in him to kill him the first time, and sobbed himself to sleep the next 2 days. By the third when he noticed Wade following him from a distance he couldn't believe it.

Not even the apocalypse could keep them away from each other..

[separatist-apologist]

What Died Didn't Stay Dead

Summary: Gwyneth Berdara has been promised to a brutal prince who imagines himself a god. Setting sail across pirate infested waters, she and Nesta Archeron hatch a plan to escape her arranged marriage before they arrive.

A gift for @alohaangels, whose kind words softened some of my grief.

Read on AO3

TW for depictions of sexual assault- reminiscing on the event, but it is graphic so please take care of yourself.

--

It was a mistake.

Surely some sort of joke. 

Gwyn’s eyes scanned the piece of paper before her, looking for some tell-tale clue that would mark the missive as some kind of cruel joke. Some nobleman’s idea of amusing himself with a ruined man’s daughter. 

Lady Berdara,

I have made my intentions plain to your guardian, and with her blessing, I intend to make them plain to you as well. I have been unable to stop thinking of you since the ball, hosted now several months previously. Your beauty follows me, an ever present guest I would not be rid of, distracting as your visage is. 

Allow me to speak freely—I would like to be wed with haste if possible. I have enclosed two tickets to Alsfeld for you and a lady of your choosing. Send word, make the passage, and I will meet you at the Port of Alsfeld.

Say yes. I will accept no other answer.

Yours, faithfully,

Prince Edward II

Gwyn looked up at Merrill with disbelief, immediately frustrated to find her guardian looking back with a look of supreme smugness. 

“I told you,” she said, rising from her chair to walk toward the window. Gwyn had been living under care since her family had been slaughtered, casualties of the ongoing and bloody war being fought by Edward the Senior. She’d been minor nobility, then, though part of the landed gentry all the same.

“This is a joke,” Gwyn replied, pushing away the rising tide of memories. She wished she had perished, then, and often cursed the unknown, faceless man who had spared her a bloody death right at the last second. 

“It’s not,” Merrill replied, smoothing out the folds of her heavy cobalt gown. “He was taken with you at the ball, and he’s taken with you now.”

“I have no dowry,” Gwyn reminded Merrill, who must have already thought of that. “I work for my keep.”

“Money was set aside for you. I have been safe guarding it,” Merrill told her. Gwyn didn’t know what to say to that—she’d been told for years that her father had squandered everything, that the only way to continue living under Merrill’s grace was to work. 

“Oh, don’t look at me like that. You have an education, don’t you? Room? Board? Fine clothes and regular meals?”

“I…am grateful,” Gwyn forced herself to say, hardly grateful at all. She was angry—always so, so angry. The feeling was nothing new, just as swallowing it wasn’t, either. She knew all the right words, steps to a dance she’d long memorized. “I am so grateful for you.”

Gwyn wasn’t, though. Merrill had never been kind—a poor substitute for her already flighty mother. At least then she’d had Catrin.

Now she had no one and nothing but memories tainted in blood, smoke, and so much fear. And, apparently, a marriage she could not wiggle free from. Gwyn wracked her mind for anything that might save her—Edward was a prince twice her age who’d ordered her into several dances. His breath had smelled rank, his fingers tight and clammy, and he’d leaned in too close for her liking as he droned on and on about his many war victories.

Did he even know his family’s war was the reason she had to rely on the charity of others?

Gwyn doubted he cared. 

“What about his last wife?”

“The Catholic?” Merrill scoffed. It was a rumor, of course—meant to discredit a woman so he could have a divorce without upsetting the general populace that loved her so. “Locked in a convent, last I heard. She gave only daughters and  he needs sons.”

“I’m supposed to do that?” Gwyn gaped, blood turning to ice. She had to swallow against the torrent of memories rising through her, threatening to spill over the ornate cream rug in the form of her breakfast. She’d promised she wouldn’t—that a man would never again touch her like that, certainly not if she invited him to, and even that was questionable.

It seemed she had no choice. 

“You’ll be his wife,” Merrill said dismissively, clearly tired of the conversation. It was the longest they’d had in waking memory, which meant at any moment Merrill was going to give Gwyn a verbal order to do as she was told, and a silent order to shut her mouth and be grateful.

Gwyn had no gratitude left in her. Certainly not for a man who intended to use her and then discard her if he tired of her. 

“He has a wife—”

“He doesn’t,” Merrill snapped, tossing a lock of blonde hair over her shoulder. Was she bitter it wasn’t her? Gwyn would trade her. “Nesta Archeron has agreed to accompany you to Alsfeld and I expect you to go upstairs, pack appropriately, and smile at your good fortune. Not many men would consider marrying you given your past.”

“My past.” Gwyn dropped all pretense, her words hollow, voice flat. 

“Yes, Gwyneth, your past. You should be overjoyed that a man wants you at all, let alone one so esteemed as the prince.”

“You told him?” Gwyn felt betrayal clawing at her neck. “That wasn’t yours to share!”

“The dowry he demanded was impossible to meet,” Merrill sniffed, eyes icy and unforgiving. “He was entitled to less knowing you were ruined.”

Ruined.

Gwyn rose from the chair she’d been sitting in, skirts ruffling loudly in her ringing ears. How Gwyn hated when Merrill said that to her—as if she were little more than a lamp that had broken and not a whole person that had been stolen from.

She couldn’t speak—she knew she’d cry, her anger making a mockery of her. Inclining her head, Gwyn merely made her way through the parlor, past the servants she’d once been close with. They wouldn’t meet her gaze, though she swore their mouths twisted with pity. She was the last to know, as usual, and it showed. 

Making her way to her small bedroom, Gwyn flung herself onto the padded window seat to peer out at the sea. How long before she was on one of the ships in the harbor with only the wretched Nesta Archeron for company? She’d only met the woman once and Nesta had been so wildly unpleasant that Gwyn had immediately dismissed her without another word.

Now they’d be trapped aboard a ship together. Gwyn sighed, turning toward her dresser. She had a large carpet bag and a trunk—she’d put personal things in the bag and the rest in the trunk, assuming someone was going to rifle through the items in the trunk. Better to not give anything away.

Truthfully, Gwyn had very little. Merrill had never deigned to give her anything of value, always with the admonishment that she ought to be grateful. Gwyn’s gratitude died with Catrin, leaving behind only her rage. How a prince had found her fascinating enough to marry was beyond Gwyn—the night they’d danced, she’d been wearing one of Merrill’s gowns, promptly returned while it was still warm. 

What would he do when he realized she was practically a servant? Maybe it didn’t matter—perhaps he’d outfit her in finery and remind the populace that, technically, her father had died a decorated war hero. Nevermind he’d been cowering in his final moments, on his knees begging not for the lives of the daughters being dragged away by laughing soldiers, but his own.

Gwyn’s anger grew hotter. She threw her items in the trunk, not caring if they were wrinkled. She let it consume her, balling up gown after gown so she could throw them with force into the trunk until she felt a little calmer. Less fury. She reminded herself to breathe, the same exercises she’d once done with Catrin.

It had been Catrin who’d once been filled with anger and Gwyn who had peace. She’d find her sister, raging about some injustice, and remind her to breathe until they were both smiling again. Catrin’s rage had sent her running from the house to try and save the children next door—and she’d been the first of the two of them to die. Wherever she’d hidden them, however they’d escaped…Catrin refused to say.

Gwyn, trembling and scared, a mere three minutes younger though sometimes it felt like three years, had obeyed when Catrin ordered, don’t say a word!

“We can break you,” the soldier had laughed, reaching for his belt. Catrin had turned her head, arms held over her head by another soldier. She’d screamed and fought, writhing like a wild, desperate animal while Gwyn silently sobbed, watching—knowing she would be next.

Tell us, the soldier had ordered, turning to Gwyn.

Don’t, Catrin had ordered again, fiercer than before. They’d placed a blade to Catrin’s neck and demanded again. Gwyn had looked at her sister, but Catrin only widened her eyes.

“Be brave,” Catrin had whispered.

The last words ever spoken between them. They’d laughed as they cut her throat, and laughed louder as Gwyn screamed, dragged to the same bed her sister bled out on. Gwyn hadn’t been brave at all—she’d begged them to kill her, too.

And they would have, had that man not come kicking in with that lethal looking sword. Walking to her dresser, she found the cloak he’d draped over her folded up at the bottom. Throwing it away would have been the better thing to do, but in the aftermath of what had happened, she’d simply tossed it in the back of her wardrobe. Afterwards, she’d had it washed, unable to stand the smell of whatever cologne that man wore mingled with blood and sweat. She could have thrown it away then, too.

She picked it up, admiring the well-made fabric and the heavy, silver and cobalt clasp that would have kept it pinned around her neck. Gwyn hadn’t dared to wear it, but it felt…wrong…to be rid of it, now. It was a relic of the worst moment of her life. She hated that stranger, his face concealed by a mask, though what little she might have seen had been blurred by blood and tears. He’d carried her out after brutally, and mercilessly, slaughtering every man who’d come into her house. 

He’d tried to take her somewhere, but she’d started screaming again and so he’d left her huddled in a heap beneath a tree with a silver dagger laid at her bare feet. He hadn’t said a word, merely vanished back into the ether. Perhaps he’d been a long forgotten god come to seek vengeance. Or perhaps he’d simply been a mercenary unable to witness his brethern pillaging and raping. 

She’d never know. 

Still, sometimes she caught herself thinking about him, wondering where he was and why he’d intervened in the first place. Gwyn had the dagger, though she didn’t know how to use it, and tucked that into her bag along with a necklace that had belonged to Catrin she didn’t dare wear. She hadn’t been brave.

She didn’t deserve to.

Gwyn skipped dinner that night, which caused Merrill to rant through the halls about how spoiled and ungrateful she was. Gwyn blocked it out with a book, curled back in the window seat as she waited for the inevitable. She couldn’t sleep, chasing the sunrise with drooping eyelids. Merrill wasn’t far behind, bursting in with more energy than Gwyn was certain she’d ever had in her life. 

Gwyn had never liked the small city she’d been isolated in. It was just big enough to give the illusion of privacy but small enough that everyone knew everything. Busybodies to the very last, which meant that as Gwyn was paraded through the busy early morning, all eyes fell on her, even if just for a moment. They’d flit in her direction before fans extended and women began chattering behind them, their peals of laughter echoing over the sounds of horse drawn carriages and booming voices announcing the prices of fish and produce. 

Gwyn wanted to be the kind of person who’d stare back, eyes shooting daggers as she did. She wasn’t, though, even as her anger and humiliation seemed to reach a writhing fever pitch in her chest. She imagined all the things she’d say, should she have the opportunity—the way she’d cut them into ribbons until they felt as small as she did—but she kept her eyes trained on the muddy cobblestone streets before her. Causing a scene would only result in more problems for Gwyn, who always seemed to be blamed, regardless if something was actually her fault. Merrill simply did not like her, and resented being vaguely related to her father and therefore, responsible for her care. 

Gwyn might have liked the docks and the quieter bustle filled with mostly men who didn’t seem to care a single jot about her, were it not for the icy stare of Nesta Archeron. She was alone, standing on the curb with her arms crossed over her chest. 

Great.

Gwyn did look at Nesta, hoping her expression conveyed a do-not-try-it-with-me,but who knew how Nesta took it. Nesta was a Duke's daughter and came from wealth so obscene, Gwyn didn’t dare think about it. What horrible lord was waiting for her in Alsfeld—and who was worse, Gwyn mused privately.

It was fun to watch Merrill dip into a respectful bow while Nesta stared down her nose, unimpressed and maybe even bored by the whole display. “Lady Archeron,” Merrill demurred, looking as if she’d prefer to be anywhere else. “You’re looking well.”

“You don’t,” Nesta replied in that brutal way of hers. Gwyn had to bite back a laugh, reminding herself that once Merrill left, Nesta would turn that mannerless behavior on her. 

“Well,” Merrill said as the salty air tangled a strand of her hair. “Take care of yourself, Gwyneth. If you have need of me, please write.” Gwyn nodded, certain Merrill would never respond to any letter. This wasn’t goodbye—it was a washing of the hands. Merrill had done her duty and now she was free of it. 

“Remember duty,” Merrill added, perhaps guessing the slant of Gwyn’s angry thoughts. Nesta arched a brow but said nothing, lip curling over perfectly straight teeth as she watched Merrill flounce off.

“Her hat was ugly,” Nesta declared the moment Merrill was out of earshot. The own hat, perched neatly atop Nesta coiffed golden brown hair, was very fashionable with its light pink feather and the way it tilted ever so delicately. It paired well with the deep plum of her gown that seemed out of place right before the docks. Gwyn certainly felt underdressed in green, her gown from two seasons earlier and just a tad too big. She felt inadequate in new and frustrating ways.

“So is yours,” Gwyn snapped, stepping around Nesta as two burly armed, barrel chested sailors took her trunk toward a wooden ramp that led to the ship she supposed they would sail on.

Nesta blinked. “I told Elain it was ridiculous,” she grumbled, though she didn’t remove it. Nesta merely marched in step with Gwyn, following the men now charged with their care. Gwyn had expected a sharp tongued insult, not agreement.

“Why did you let her talk you into it?”

Nesta shrugged delicate shoulders, spine impossibly straight as she walked. She looked like the one who ought to be marrying a prince—not Gwyn. Gwyn looked like her maid at best, which annoyed her further. There was something she was missing to this whole arrangement, something that would come back to harm her before she pieced it all together. 

“She can be very bossy when she sets her mind to something,” Nesta said, as if Gwyn knew anything about the Archeron sisters. They were sheltered and spoiled, appearing in the city only when something grand was happening. They otherwise kept to their estate, though there were rumors about how wild the youngest of the three were.

She sounded like more interesting company than the scowling Nesta. One thing, Gwyn supposed, was how unafraid Nesta was to give orders.

“Take us to our cabin,” Nesta demanded the moment their feet were on the softly swaying deck. Two sailors exchanged a glance but otherwise said nothing at all—they merely gestured for the pair to follow them.

“We’re not to be disturbed,” Nesta began, her words seemingly well-practiced. “You may bring our meals to us directly, but otherwise no man is to enter our chamber.”

“Who would stop us?” one of the sailors asked, clearly bitter about being bossed around by a woman.

Gwyn’s own temper got the better of her. “I will.”

Whatever they saw on her face kept them from saying much more. Gwyn waited until they were taken into a large stateroom they were clearly meant to share. Nesta turned, and the sailor, guessing her irritation, threw up his palms in defense. “You can share, or you can sleep in the bunks with everyone else. Your choice, princess.”

“Don’t call me that,” she hissed before slamming the door in his face. “Must you be so…” Gwyn trailed off, unsure what she even meant to say. Nesta understood, though.

“Because otherwise they think they can take liberties. That we’re helpless and soft and sweet—that we won’t say anything if they touch us. Now they know we’ll scream, and when we arrive at port, we’ll tell someone. They’ll think twice.”

“And with Merrill?” Gwyn demanded, arms crossed over her chest.

“Her presence offends me,” Nesta said with a shrug, as if it were a given. Gwyn couldn’t help but laugh, one hand on her stomach to keep herself from doubling over.

“Mine, too.”

“She thinks herself a great humanitarian, but she’s not. She made a lot of money taking you in, for all the good it did. Look at your dress,” Nesta said, reaching for Gwyn’s sleeve. Gwyn slapped her hand away, embarrassed and self-conscious.

“What are you talking about?”

Nesta stared for a moment, hand cradled to her chest. Those icy blue eyes seemed to be a little sad for only a moment before the emotion vanished, replaced with her usual steely gaze. “Lord Rhysand paid her a hefty stipend for your education. His father and your father were friends, I suppose.”

“No one…no one told me that,” Gwyn managed as anger and betrayal clawed up her throat. “I was working.”

So a Duke paid for Gwyn’s education, and her father had left an inheritance, all pocketed by Merrill. Gwyn turned for the door, ready to march off the ship and throttle Merrill but Nesta grabbed her wrist.

“There is no point. She’s not capable of shame.”

“So she gets away with it?” Gwyn demanded with outrage. “Does no one face consequences except me?”

“She doesn’t have to get away with it,” Nesta said slyly. “I overheard father talking, and he seems to think your marriage will elevate Merrill in a way few ladies ever achieve.”

“Of course it does,” Gwyn grumbled, sitting despondently on the floral patterned bed. “She probably orchestrated it herself.”

“I’m sure. That doesn’t mean you have to marry him,” Nesta continued, holding Gwyn’s stare. 

“He’s a prince—”

“So?” Nesta demanded. “When we arrive, simply say no and stay with me and my aunt. With the new laws that require a ladies consent, you can simply decline.”

“He’s not just some spoiled lordling,” Gwyn whispered, though the idea was spreading through her like wildfire. 

“He’s only a man,” Nesta replied, sitting beside her. “He’s not a god.”

But Gwyn knew what men could do when they didn’t get what they wanted—when they felt thwarted, especially by a lesser woman. It would become a matter of principle to punish her. To control her. He had a navy at his disposal, an army willing to kill on command, and more gold than anyone in the realm. If he wanted to find her, he would. 

And when he did, he’d punish her for daring to defy him.

Still.

The idea had roots.

—-

Azriel heard the sound of boots echoing off swaying wood before he saw Cassian in the doorway. His friend flashed a grin, arms crossed over his chest.

“Ship sailed this afternoon.”

Azriel shifted in his chair, boots reclined on his desk while he toyed with his favorite dagger absently. Turning his gaze from Cassian, he couldn’t help but smile. 

“Armed?”

“Barely,” Cassian replied, his amusement plain. “It’s a merchant ship.”

“Whose?” Azriel didn’t want to make too many enemies of the merchant class, some of whom paid money for safe passage and protection from other privateers. 

“Archeron,” Cassian said. Azriel frowned, though it changed nothing. Rhys wasn’t one of them—not really. He could make his demands, could provide them with funding, could play pirate lord when it suited him, but he wasn’t out there day to day.

He didn’t know how hard Azriel had worked to organize this ambush. How he’d intercepted that letter. The spying he’d done, the dominoes set into motion. It was now or it was never. The walls of the palace were impenetrable, even to him. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Azriel decided. It didn’t. He’d rather beg forgiveness than ask permission—Rhys would do the same, were he in Azriel’s position. “Sink the ship.”

“Aye, Captain,” Cassian said, his grin returning.

Azriel’s gaze turned toward the window overlooking the sea. With a soft exhale, he smiled, too. 

Soon.

[lovegalor333]

fresh start

part seven (chapter 19-21) previous part • next part

word count: 5.3k

content warnings: none!

Lily

"You can stay here for as long as you like. You know that right?" My best friend Emma says to me as we're sat side by side on her rooftop.

Going back to my parents felt like too much so I came to Emma's instead.

I'm clutching my knees close to my chest with my chin rested on them, "Thanks Em, I missed you." I say turning to look at her.

"I missed you, too. It's great to see you, I just wish the circumstances were better. I thought Connecticut was treating you good." She says sadly. I didn't tell Emma exactly what happened, just that I needed a break from college.

"Oh it is. Things have been really good." I think back to my first few months at UConn and can't help but smile but that smile quickly fades when I remember why I'm back in my home town. "I- I had an argument with Paige." I say truthfully.

"What? What did you argue about? Must have been bad for you to come running back here." Emma half laughs, looking out in front of her where our neighbourhood expanded out, eventually blending into the night's sky.

"Her ex showed up to her birthday party and kinda made a scene in front of everyone, begging for Paiges forgiveness. Paige just laughed her off though so I tried not to other think it."

"Right..." Emma says urging me to continue.

"Then she acted really weird with me the next day and basically asked me to leave her place and then like half an hour later I get a voicenote from her, saying this," I open up my phone and have to scroll past Paiges endless messages asking where I am, if I'm OK, telling me that she loves me and she's sorry before I get to the voicenote and press play.

I grimace at the words as Paiges voice plays out.

"Hold up. Replay that." Emma says clearly shocked at what she heard.

"Do I have to?" I frown, not wanting to hear the messaged I'd played hundreds of times already, again.

"No, sorry. I heard it loud and clear. I'm just shocked. I'm guessing that was a mistake?" I nod. "What did she have to say for herself?"

I relay everything to Emma, exactly the way it happened, not missing a single thing.

"Lily, I love you and I agree that Paige should have been honest from the beginning but I don't think this means she loves you any less or wants to get back with her ex. I think it just means she was a little bit stupid and probably panicked." My best friend rationalises.

"I know, but I panicked too. Paige is an amazing person with so many great qualities, I already feel like I'm not enough for her."

"OK, absolutely not. We're not going back there Lily. You need to remember who are, who you've always been. Before everything happened at the beginning of this year, Lily Kent would have never doubted herself. And I saw that Lily Kent coming back, so you better not lose her again. Paige is lucky to have you." Emma says looking directly at me, her hand resting comfortingly on my arm.

"And she's never made me doubt that." In the time I've known Paige, she's never once made me feel like she doesn't love and care about me deeply. She tells me how beautiful I am multiple times a day. She goes out of her way to make me feel comfortable in situations where I would usually feel uncomfortable. Shes never judged me about anything I've told her, shes actually been perfect.

I know her apologies were genuine and I won't hold anything against her, I just got scared and when I get scared, I run.

Paige

"She's not here Paige." Kelsey says with one hand on her hip, the other on the front door.

"Don't lie to me Kelsey. I know she doesn't want to see me but I just want to give her these." I say holding out a bouquet of flowers similar to the ones I bought her on our first date.

"I'm not lying, Paige. Did you see her car downstairs?" Kelsey asks raising her brow and when I think about it, no. No, I didn't see her car.

"Well, where is she? It's almost midnight!" I say checking the time on my phone. 23:47.

"I don't know if she wants me to tell you." Kelsey says and I just glare at her, "Kelsey, come on."

"Fine. She went home, left a few hours ago."

"Home? Home to Boston?" I ask confused.

"Yes Paige, home to Boston." My heart sinks because I know I'm the reason Lily felt like she had to get away. And my heart sinks further knowing she has gone back to a place that has so many bad memories for her.

"How long is she staying there for?" I ask, now standing awkwardly with the flowers in my hand, feeling like I could cry at any given moment.

"She didn't say. I'm sorry, Paige."

I shake my head, "It's my fault. Here, just take these." I hand Kelsey the flowers intended for Lily and turn and leave.

I debate getting in my car and driving to Boston and knocking on every door, on every street until I find Lily. But that's an impossible task. All I know is I don't want to go home, especially knowing Lily won't be there either.

So I go to what I know best. Basketball.

The court is in complete darkness when I enter. I flick on the lights one by one and they make a faint buzzing noise as they do.

Basketball has been the one constant in my life, the only time I didn't have it was when I was injured and that was the worst thing I've ever experienced. Not being able to do the thing you love most in life, the thing you're good at, the thing that makes you, you. I felt useless. I'm not sure how I got through it actually. Having basketball to come back to is what keeps me sane.

As I dribble the ball down the court and take shots from different points, I can't help but think about the times Lily and I have been on this court together. I shoot the ball from the three point line, usually an easy basket, one I could make in my sleep, but I miss.

I let out a frustrated groan and a few choice words. I'm pissed and basketball isn't even helping.

Eventually I leave the court and head home. Everyones alseep by the time I get back and I'm thankful I don't have to interact with anyone.

I try calling Lily one last time, but like all the others, it goes straight to her answering machine.

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

Lily

Waking up next to Emma, in Boston felt foreign when I'd gotten so used to waking up next to Paige, in Connecticut. Even though my best friend was right next to me - I could practically feel her breath on my skin - I still felt alone. I missed Paige.

I had called in sick to my classes because it was now Monday morning and there was no way that'd I'd make it back to campus in time for my first lecture.

I reached over to the bedside table to check my phone, careful not to make Emma in the process. I had left my phone turned off for the past twelve hours so multiple notifications pinged through as I turned it on. Most of them were from Paige but I had a few from my friends too. Kayla was checking in to see if I was OK and Kelsey had sent me a picture.

I click on my roommates name and expand the message, the picture attached was one of a huge bouquet of pink and white flowers. They were beautiful. Kelseys message read from paige. Of course they were from Paige. I don't know why I expected anything less.

Messages from Paige had stopped being pleas of forgiveness and were now of concern about if I was OK and why I had gone home and when I was coming back. I couldn't form coherent sentences until I had some caffeine in my system.

Emma stirred beside before stretching her arms up and opening her eyes, "Coffee." Was the first word out of her mouth and I laughed, we were so similar.

My best friend and I quickly got ready before getting in the car and heading to the nearest Dunkin Donuts. I drove and can confidently say, I have not missed the Boston traffic.

"The flowers are really pretty." Emma says once we both have drinks in our hands and have taken a sip, "What are you going to do?" She asks.

"Well, I have to get back to campus either way. I'm working tomorrow and I really don't want to miss anymore classes." I say.

Emma dramatically wipes away fake tears, "So you're leaving me again." She says in faux sobs.

I nod, "Unfortunately, I'll head back to Connecticut after this." I say referring to our coffee date. "I need to speak to Paige too, obviously. I just don't know how or what I'm even going to say."

"You'll find the right words Lily, you always do." Emma encourages and I smile at her, "Thanks, Em."

I decide to finally text Paige back once we'd finished our coffees. I send a simple text, wanting to speak more in depth in person.

please answer my calls lily and we can talk about this

im coming over

where are you?

is it true you went home?

when are you coming back?

i hope you're ok, i miss you and i love you and im sorry

im ok, im coming back today

we should talk

I didn't expect Paige to reply because I thought she'd be in class but her response was almost immediate.

hi

yes definitely, let me know when you're back in ct

drive safe please, i love you

i will

i love you

"You guys will figure this out, don't stress it. Just be honest with Paige and ask her to be honest with you." Emma gives me some final words of encouragement as I put my bag in my trunk and prepare to drive back to Connecticut.

"I'll let you know how it goes." I say as I hug my best friend tightly.

"I love you Lily, drive safe." She says as I get into the drivers seat.

"I love you more, thank you for everything." I reply and wave as I back out of the driveway and begin the two and a half hour drive.

Paige

The day was going agonisingly slow and as I sat in the cafeteria with my teammates, I could feel myself falling asleep. I had barely slept last night and had an early class I needed to be up for and of course afternoon training which started at 12.

Lily had finally responded to my messages and told me she was coming home today and that we could speak but I didn't know what time that would be. I told her to let me know once she was back and I keep checking my phone, so much so Azzi tells me to stop.

"Paige, your notifications are on. You'll hear a text coming through." She says taking my phone out of my hand and placing it on the table.

"I'm just nervous." I admit, "I thought she'd never talk to me again."

Azzi laughs then quickly stops when she sees my deadpan facial expression, "Sorry," she apologises quickly, "but that even sounded ridiculous. She loves you Paige. I know that, you know that, everyone knows that. She probably just needed space, you kinda fucked up."

"Yeah, can everyone stop reminding me. I know I fucked up and I'm trying to fix it."

"You'll fix it, P. Well, you better because I really like Lily and things might be awkward when she comes round to see me and you're there." She jokes.

"OK, don't even say things like that. I'm going to fix it." I say adamantly.

"I believe in you." My best friend hypes me up with a pat on the shoulder, "Come on, let's get to training." She says. We gather our belongings and I check my phone one last time before heading to the gym.

Hearing from Lily this morning and knowing I was going to be seeing her at some point today and talking must have cleared my mind of any anxieties because everything on the court was flowing perfectly. Every shot I took was going in, every screen I set was executed the way I intended it to be and every block I attempted succeeded.

"Nice work, P!" Ash praises from the other end of the court, I raise my hand in thanks.

"Paige blockers in full effect, huh?" Nika laughs nudging into me.

"Not just a bucket." I jokingly shrug.

The rest of the session goes just as it started and Genos team talk is filled with confidence about the start of the season.

"Now go and get cleaned up, y'all stink." Coach jokes and we disperse from our huddle to go and shower.

"I think Paige said dinner was on her?" Aubrey says as she drapes her arm over my shoulder.

"Ha! You wish." I say as the majority of the team begin to leave the changing rooms.

"She's got some serious grovelling to do." Ice reminds me.

"I do. I'm not sure if Lily's back yet though, I'll text her." I say pulling out my phone as we walk back onto the court to exit the gym.

"No need." Aubrey says into my ear and I flick my head up quickly and I see why.

Lily is sat on one of the far benches. Her hair is tied on top of her head in a messy bun and she's wearing a black sweater and matching joggers. She has a bag flung over her shoulder and she's looking down, focusing on her hands in her lap.

"Good luck." Aubrey says and she pats me on the back before her and the rest of the team make a swift exit, saying hi and waving to Lily as they pass her.

As I get closer to Lily I notice how tired she looks. She has faint dark circles around her eyes and her eyelids hang lower than usual.

"You look tired." I say before I can stop myself but Lily just smiles, "Thanks." She says sarcastically.

"Sorry, I mean hi. I missed you." I say now stood directly in front of Lily.

"I was only gone a day." She says looking up at me slightly, giving me a clear view of her soft features.

"I still missed you." I say not able to stop my hand from cupping her cheek.

"We should talk." She says moving her face from my hand and the nerves that had dispersed whilst I was on the court, return again. 'We should talk' is such an ominous expression and knowing I'm in the wrong here, I'm not sure how this is going to go.

"Here?" I ask looking around the court, it was empty apart from us but I'm not sure if anyone else is scheduled in.

"Here's fine." Lily confirms so I sit next to her leaving a decent sized gap between us to avoid her shuffling down if I sat too close.

"I'm sorry." I say and takes me a few seconds to realise I didn't just hear my own voice but Lily's too.

"You're sorry? For what?" I ask confused, turning my head to look at her.

"For not listening. For running home instead of staying here and sorting this out." Lily explains.

"It's OK Lily, I understand why you did that. I acted so stupid. I really am sorry. And I need you to believe me when I say I never kissed Marianna. I should have been honest from the moment she messaged me but I freaked out thinking you'd be mad and then I just made it worse."

"And then I freaked out when I heard everything out of context and I thought you wanted to be with her again. Do you want to be with her again?" Lily asks, eyes glossing over as they focus on mine.

"Oh my god Lily, no. Not at all. I want to be with you and only you." I say sliding along the bench, closing the gap between us so our hips and thighs are touching and I reach out for Lilys hand and she lets me take it. "It's only you, pretty girl." I press a kiss to her hand locked in mine.

"Can we make a promise to always be honest with each other about things that happen and how we feel?" Lily asks looking at me.

I nod my head, "Yes. I promise to always be honest with you."

"Me too." She says and I brush a few wispy flyaways out of her face and my hand rests on her jaw, "And promise to never leave me again." I say as I lean closer to Lily. "I promise to never leave you again." She says and our foreheads are resting on each others, "I love you so mu-" "I love you too but please shut up and kiss me."

I do as Lily says and press my lips to hers and she kisses me with an urgency and need that ignites something inside of me. One of my hands is on her neck, the other is trailing up her thigh and onto her hip, I missed having her at the tips of my fingers. Lilys hand clutches onto the fabric of my hoodie and she moans into the kiss. Fuck.

"Why'd you stop?" Lily pouts as I pull away, breaking the kiss.

"I was almost forgetting where we were. Let's go back to mine." I say standing up offering my hand for her to take.

"Is everyone out?" She asks and her eyes are round and hooded and she just blinks, slowly at me.

I nod my head, "Stop giving me those eyes or we won't even make it to the car." I warn as she slips her hand into mine and we speed walk out of the gym.

"Is that a threat Paige Bueckers?" She says lowly, leaning her body into mine.

"Yes. So just be a good girl." I say as we reach my car and I open the passenger door for Lily to get in, "I'll try my best." She says with that same soft, innocent look on her face and I have to bite my lip.

"Just get in the car Lily. You're driving me crazy."

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

Lily

"I kinda wish you were just coming to watch and didn't have to work." Paige says to me as she packs her bag in preparation for todays game.

UConn were playing Dayton in their season opener in the XL Centre. Marcus and I were going to be courtside during warmups and the match to capture content and then in the media room post match to conduct interviews.

"Me too, but I'm excited for my first ever basketball game." I grin from my place on Paiges bed.

Things had been good, in fact great with Paige since Marianna Gate. We were able talk it out and move on and things were back to normal in no time.

"Your first taste of WAG life." She smirks zipping up her full backpack and walking over to me.

"Uh huh," I nod reaching out for Paige as she stood at the foot of her bed, I place my hand on her hip, looking up at her, "You might even get a pre-match kiss."

"Oh really? What about post-match?" She asks cheekily, raising her brows.

"You have to work for that one." I remark smirking up as Paige towered over me.

"And how about now?" She asks reaching for my hands and pulling me up so I'm standing in front of her.

"Hmm," I ponder exaggeratedly, pretending I was thinking about it, "maybe just a quick one."

"Oh I can be quick." Paige says as she dips her head down bringing her lips to mine, pushing them together hungrily that I almost topple back onto her bed.

I smile almost breaking the kiss but quickly regain focus not wanting this moment to end. My hands trail up Paiges shirt coming into contact with her soft skin and I feel her growl lowly against my mouth. Her hands mirror mine and find their way up my shirt. Her touch is like fire on my bare stomach as they move up towards my chest and I gasp as they delicately slip into my bralette.

"PAIGE! We need to leave...like yesterday!" Azzi's voice calls out and we're both abruptly brought back to earth.

"If that was quick, I'd love to know what it's like when you take your time." I say to Paige as I readjust my clothing and she does the same.

"Stay over tonight and you'll find out." She says slinging her bag over her shoulder and leaving me flustered and red cheeked in her bedroom.

"I feel like we're at high risk of getting a ball to the face." I say to Marcus as we settle into our front row seats.

"It's never happened before so if it does I'm blaming you." He jokes, pulling out his notebook and pen and scribbling down some words.

I take my work phone out of my bag and immediately open up the camera snapping photos of the venue and the girls warming up.

I had been given the uconnwbb Instagram login for todays game and my job was to post exclusive behind the scenes content as it happened. I posted the first few stories then stood up to capture another angle.

Both teams were on the court warming up but my focus was on UConn, of course. I recorded as Aaliyah and Jana each in turn took shots at the basket, to no surprise they were all going in.

"Lily! Record me!" KK called out over the ruckus of bouncing balls and squeaking shoes. I aimed the phone at her, focusing the camera and dragging down on the screen to reduce the exposure. KKs eyes stayed on the camera lens and she took a no-look half court shot but it fell a few inches short, missing the basket and bouncing to the ground.

"Delete that!" She says running over to me and I laugh holding my phone close to my chest, "That's one for the archives." I say while KK just glares at me.

"Watch and learn." Paige gets our attention as she dribbles the ball to the centre of the court. She stands in the exact position KK just was, her eyes focused on us, body turned away from the basket.

I hold my phone still and steady, Paige in the centre of the screen and she sends me a quick wink before launching the ball out of her hands. I watch in awe as the basketball hurls through the air and eventually finds the basket.

Paige and KK absolutely lose it and run laps around the court screaming. "Tell me you got that?" Paige says stopping in front of me. "Yep!" I grin, turning the phone around so she can see what I just captured.

Geno called the team together for a quick team talk before the girls had to go and get changed into their match gear. I snapped a quick photo of them all huddled together and went to sit back by Marcus.

"You're close with the team." Marcus says glancing up from his laptop to look at me.

"You could say that, yeah." I respond feeling slightly awkward.

All of our close friends know that Paige and I are together but other than that we've kept things pretty private.

"Do you see them much outside of work?" Marcus presses and I nod my head in response, "Yeah, we hang out sometimes."

"Maybe you could put in a good word for me?" Heat immediately rises in my body as he says those words.

"Sure. With who?" I ask keeping my focus on the phone in my hands.

"Paige. She's cute right?" He asks and suddenly I can't speak.

"Um- I- I'm-" I struggle to speak with a mix off awkwardness and jealousy having taken over.

"Come on, you can't deny she's hot." Marcus continues and I can't take it. My skin prickles at the way someone else is talking about my girlfriend.

"Marcus, I-" I stand up from my seat not knowing what to say or do next.

"Lily, sit down. I'm kidding. Whatever you have going on is obvious, I just wanted to see if you'd say anything." Marcus laughs and I instantly relax and sit back down.

"Not funny Marcus." I say nudging him in the arm.

"I won't say anything, secrets safe with me." He says and acts out zipping his lips.

"It's not exactly a secret." I say turning my attention to Marcus.

"But you don't want people to know?"

"We don't want the internet to know...for obvious reasons." I tell him honestly.

"I get that." He says understandingly.

My phone buzzed in my pocket telling me I had a new notification. I pulled it out, it was a text from Paige.

I think I remember being promised a pre match kiss

come to the changing rooms

am i allowed?

just come, we'll be quick

I locked my phone and slipped it back into my pocket, "I'll be back." I say to Marcus before getting up out of my seat next to him and navigating my way to the changing rooms.

Obviously, I'd never been in this venue before so it truly was the blind leading the blind when it came to finding Paige. I was about to text her saying I'm lost when I turned a corner and at the end of the hall I saw my girlfriend, clad in her match day kit.

She had her back turned to me slightly, her long blonde ponytail hanging down her back, stopping just before the BUECKERS, covering her number but I didn't need to see it to know it was a 5.

"Looking good Bueckers." I say getting Paiges attention and she turns her body to me, her signature smile plastered on her face.

"Hi pretty girl," She greets me with her usual pet name that never fails to give me butterflies, "What do you think?" She asks smoothing down her jersey.

"You look great, P." I say closing the gap between us, my hand resting on her chest, "So hot." I say glancing up slightly because of our hight difference.

Paiges cheesy grin softened into a flirty smirk as she brought her face close to mine pressing our lips together. As always Paige kissed me with passion and urgency that made my skin feel like it was on fire. The kiss was short but sweet and as we pulled away I wanted nothing more than to lean back in.

"Good luck out there. I love you." I wish Paige good luck as she pulls me into a quick hug, her face nuzzling into my neck, "I love you. See you out there."

Watching Paige dominate on the court and lead her team to victory made me happier than ever. I've watched Paige train and practice and scrimmage so many times over the past few months but she had a different energy in the game today and it was radiating off her even once the game had ended.

The girls begin to disperse after shaking hands with the opposing team and congratulating each other. My eyes don't leave Paige and I flash her a small smile and show a thumbs up when she looks in my direction. The stadium is still bustling with fans and I can only assume the cameras are still rolling so I'm shocked when Paige jogs over to me and wraps me in a hug.

"Hey superstar." I beam once she's let me go. "You did great!"

"Thank you, Lils. I'm so glad you were here." She says and fiddles with the chain around my neck, fixing the pendant placement.

"Paige, people can see us you know." I remind her, feeling like everyones eyes were on us.

"I don't care if you don't." She says both her hands now resting on her hips, "Do you care?"

I think back to my initial doubts about our relationship being public. The pressure from outside felt like too much but loving Paige and being loved by Paige doesn't deserve to be hidden, it deserves to be shouted from the rooftops.

"I don't care." I reassure her and the smile that spreads across her face is enough to reinforce that.

After another quick hug, Paige goes over to the fans that have been screaming her name since the second she stepped on the court and Marcus and I make our way to the media room to prepare for post match interviews.

Paige

"Y'all are like viral, do you realise that?" KK says to Lily and me. She's scrolling through TikTok turning her phone around periodically to show us pictures and videos of our post game interactions.

"Paige has been viral." Nika says, "My whole For You Page is more of a For You Paige."

"I think that says more about you Nika." Aubrey laughs and we all join in.

"Lily deserves to be viral. I want the whole world to know how beautiful my girl is." I say pressing a kiss to Lilys head. We're sat on my bed with our backs against the wall, Lily is slouched into me comfortably and she's wearing my clothes because she's staying tonight.

"Cringe!" KK fake gags and rolls her eyes earning a pillow throw from Lily.

"Need I remind you, you're in my bedroom, clowning me for loving on my girl." I defend my PDA.

"Now everyone knows, you're going to be insufferable aren't you?" KK asks with a huff.

"Damn right. Now get leave so we can make out in peace."

"Don't need to tell us twice." Nika says standing up from the chair at my desk, grabbing onto KK and Aubrey dragging them out of my room.

"Goodnight mom and mom." KK calls out before closing the door leaving Lily and me alone.

"You love making them uncomfortable, don't you?" Lily laughs.

"I love loving you. Is that so bad?"

She shakes her head, "The complete opposite." She says planting a kiss to my lips.

"I'll do anything to protect you Lily. If this gets too much just tell me and I'll deal with it." I tell my girlfriend.

I know what the internet is like and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about Lily and how she'd handle the reaction. I love the way the game has grown and how we're starting to get the recognition we deserve but it comes with a white hot spotlight and people think they know you, own you and I won't let Lily be dragged into that.

We spend the rest of the night in my bedroom, laying in each other's arms, talking and laughing, just enjoying each others company and making out of course.

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

[tacthescribbler]

I really don't know how to approach my response, so I apologize for the chaotic mess that you're about to read.

I recall a post that talked about the discovery of a mended bone. One of the first indicators of people working together wasn't pottery, or tools, or cloth. It was a bone that had clearly been broken and reset. A bone that had healed. This means that someone had to not only set the bone, but take care of the injured individual until it was healed.

We are a species who has evolved to work together.

My default state of mind is: Everyone deserves basic human rights. Everyone deserves access to food, shelter, healthcare, and so on. I don't care what color your skin is, what country you hail from, whether you are disabled. You deserve to be cared for.

I engage with everyone from this mindset. I assume everyone who speaks to me also does so from this mindset until/unless they prove me wrong.

Whenever I get into my car, I drive out of consideration for everyone else on the street. When I do my job, I work to ensure that in all the places my job touches someone else's, I've made their job a little easier. I return my shopping carts not for the social karma, but because the employees at the grocery store deserve not to have their jobs made more difficult by laziness. When I vote, I vote for candidates/policies that I know will take care of as many people as possible.

Because the world isn't about me.

"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." - John Holmes

For most of my life, I've struggled to grasp the idea that other people do not (or sometimes cannot) operate from this perspective.

Of course, that was before 2016. I was raised in a heavily-religious Christian home. My older sister was made to throw away a Pokemon toy from her Happy Meal because "Pokemon are not real animals created by God. They are evil." We were not allowed to read the Harry Potter books. (Not a big deal to me; I've never been interested in them. But my sister was.) The one time my introverted self wanted to do something social in high school, it was a D&D game with classmates. "Are you sure you want to engage with witchcraft," my mom asked me. I dropped it and didn't ask again.

It wasn't all bad, though. My parents showed me how to be kind and compassionate, and how to help others.

They voted for trump. And I watched as my parents turned into people I do not recognize.

I'm not sure how to tie all this up into a neat bow. The point is, if we as people (Left or Right) aren't working to improve as many lives as possible, then what's the point?

Do I expect Pacifism from people? No, of course not. I would never expect a person to forgive their rapist, the person who murdered their friend/family, the guy who flipped them off for taking too long to cross the street.

But I would like for people to have some fucking compassion. Give people the benefit of the doubt (where appropriate).

Look, I understand. I've just about had it with people voting to strip me of my bodily autonomy. To kill my non-binary sibling or throw them into conversion therapy. (To be quite honest, I've fucking had it with my parents' transphobic bullshit. "God made you a man and God doesn't make mistakes.") I'm at a point where I'm sick and fucking tired of trying to drag the rest of my nation with me down a path where they are cared for, fed, clothed, sheltered, and accepted for who they are.

And I also get the fact that there are some who cannot be convinced. I'm certain my parents are among them. After all, they have their bible. They don't have to think critically. Their holy book tells them what to think. It's part of why conversations with them are so unproductive. Because they don't introspect or regulate emotions when they have scripture to tell them how to respond to a thing.

But I've still also not called my parents to chew them out, because I know that won't help anything. It'll only further the divide that they don't even realize is between us. How will I convince them to stand with me if all they get from me is aggression.

Whether you're Left or Right, if your first instinct about someone is to treat them as an enemy, you are part of the problem. We move forward by being accepting and open-minded. For those of us who lean Left, that goes fucking double.

Don't be a pushover, but don't be a bully.

We can only move forward together.

There are obviously caveats to what I've said, as well as plenty I've left unsaid. I hope those who read this will take it in good faith and understand that I'm not asking for everyone to just drop their grievances or pretend that shit isn't bad. I just wanted to share a little of my perspective. We're all human beings and I think common ground can start there, if we let it.

I hope we can overcome ourselves and be better.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[jymwahuwu]

I love and think about Emperor Jing Yuan a lot. Like a servant girl getting called in to be the emperor Jing Yuan's Concubine 😋

I love ancient China like the history, art and clothing. when I think about Chinese Emperor Jing Yuan I think of Cinderella Chef (animated version) it's so cute and romantic. I also think about the fic series I used to read in 2020 or 2019 when the reader is the selected tailor for the emperor and the emperor falls in love.

It was such a good story, with many good different story elements to it even though it's was an yandere x reader 😭 and I'm not even exaggerating how good it is. It was slow burn yandere yet sooo good and worth it

I have to read it again cause it's sooo good.

There's sooo many good art of Jing Yuan in ancient Chinese clothing and I love and appreciate it sm 🤤

Jing Yuan kept a servant girl as his concubine, wanting her by his side every moment. As emperor, he faced countless threats and worried constantly for her safety. Yet, he couldn’t resist making her his bride, even though the public and his family disapproved. How could a servant girl from a humble background become empress alongside the emperor? But he paid no attention to their criticisms, choosing instead to live in his Fantasies with her. She was the only woman he’d ever met who cared for him beyond his wealth and title, and he was determined to keep her close forever. 😇

Wow, I also like Chinese palace stories actually!! What you said made me imagine a lot. It turns out that Jing Yuan is so suitable for the palace AU🥰✊

Have you watched "Story of Yanxi Palace"? It was a popular palace drama in 2018, and social media was all about it at that time. The historical prototype of the female protagonist is Empress Xiaoyichun (孝儀純皇后). She first started as a concubine. During her lifetime, she was the "Imperial Noble Consort" (皇貴妃), which was the highest position among the concubines after Empress. The core of its story is about a confident servant woman who starts from the bottom and moves up through the ranks with wisdom and courage.

A negative example is "Ruyi's royal love in the palace". The show still gets a lot of negative criticism in China today (yes, that's happening in 2024) - for its slut-shaming and superiority theories. The lower class people must be loyal to the noble people, otherwise they will be severely punished. There are a lot of torture scenes of women, never criticizing the mistakes of the misogynistic system, vilifying all historical figures just to beautify the female protagonists, advocating that women must be loyal to one man throughout their lives or else they are sluts, vilifying and torturing ambitious women, etc.

Oh, I'm sorry I really hate that TV show so I'm talking too much about it, but to get back to the point, it occurred to me that if Jing Yuan were the emperor, he would be very - very infatuated and dedicated. There was an emperor in Chinese history called "Emperor Xiaozong of Ming"(明孝宗) who insisted on living a monogamous life with only one empress. The same is true for Jing Yuan! Jing Yuan has only married you from beginning to end! You are one of his servants. No matter what your personality is, witty and lively/shy and kind, or even arrogant, Jing Yuan finds you really cute🥰💖He is very happy that you entered the palace and were assigned to serve him. He will sometimes sleep on your lap and ask you to feed him. He was like a big sleeping lion. But no one in politics dares to underestimate Jing Yuan because he always predicts everything.

Jing Yuan built a fruit garden in the palace, as well as a place to raise cats and birds. He got to pet cute cats and birds every day. The kittens purred around him. Maybe you were the servant who took care of the cats here. And he discovered you💖You are so suitable to be the mother of cats. And maybe he's hiding his identity and you care about his health and happiness before his status.

Politics and the harem are closely related. Those ministers petitioned Jing Yuan to marry a girl who matched his status, but he would not marry any girl except you. This is his own business! There was an emperor named "Emperor Gaozong of Tang"(唐高宗) in Chinese history. Despite the objections of his ministers, he insisted on marrying his father's concubine (named "Wuzhao"- 武曌) as his queen and sharing power with her. This is a very real love among emperors! After her husband's death, the queen became the only female emperor of China. The expression of the emperor's love for someone is to give them the best at all costs, including power, fame, wealth, and status. Jing Yuan wants to give it to you. He married you. Based on your status as a maid, you start as a concubine but work your way up. And he will also give birth to kitty babies with you. Those little princesses and princes running happily are all of your blood and his.

And he also decided to discuss politics and decide national affairs with you, collectively called "two saints" (based on Wuzhao's history haha), and share power with you. Because he knows how smart and cute you are, able to sharpen your claws and handle government affairs💖He is also ready to build a royal mausoleum, where only the two of you are buried together (it may be a bit scary, but this is how the Chinese emperors express their love haha). Even after Wuzhao became the empress, she didn’t build a mausoleum independently because she loved her husband. No matter what, you are always together, with sweetness and honor forever💖

[twobellsilence]

Okay, so I finally have time to write down my feelings about Mouthwashing. Especifically, Captain Curly. This gets a little personal at the end - hid it below a cut for those who don't want to see it.

The beauty of Curly's character is that he's probably the most morally gray out of the whole crew despite his intentions being objectively good; his actions come from a genuine desire to do good by all of his crew members, but this does NOT mean said actions are correct. This distinction between intentions and actions is crucial when trying to understand his character. For instance, he believed Anya and genuinely cared about her, but he also cared about Jimmy as his friend, and so he chose to "be good" to both of them, even though being good to Jimmy inherently meant making Anya unsafe - good intentions (be a good captain and friend to both), bad action (not treating what happened with enough severity and being soft with Jimmy because of his biases). Many people seem to either think Curly was simply oblivious to everything, and others even go as far as to say he was actively malicious with his enabling. But I don't think either of these are quite right, and it's because, in my eyes, this man is the living incarnation of "The path to hell is paved with good intentions".

Captain Curly is a people pleaser. He wants to keep the peace, play devil's advocate, everything to keep all members of the crew feeling well with themselves and each other, and he believes his team is as genuine and honest as him. This trust, this inclination to think that things can be solved with compassion, is what earned him his good reputation and the respect of his crew, which persisted even after they believed he'd deliberately tried to kill them. But it is this same desire to do things from a place of true care and act as a mediator that caused him to break protocol with the higher ups' message, fail Anya, and ultimately doom everyone. I don't think he was oblivious to Jimmy's flaws, but rather, like he implied in the pixel scene, he saw only "the bigger picture" and gave Jim the benefit of the doubt because he saw his perceived qualities over his issues despite knowing they were there. Of course, this perception was undeniably distorted because of his and Jimmy's close relationship, which meant he extended an inappropriate amount of trust to Jimmy despite his actions and past because he genuinely, wholeheartedly thought Jim was just misunderstood and what he did was a mistake. Jimmy played Curly like a fiddle by taking advantage of his belief that Jim was as honest as he and the rest of the crew were.

Of course, there is a lot to be said about the fact that Curly put his perception of Jim over Anya - Curly is undeniably an enabler, if a naïve one, and is at fault for the bad decisions he took about the matter regardless of his mental state at the time. He is NOT all innocent, not by a long shot. But at his core, all he wanted was to help everyone and work things out. Because he's *Captain* Curly, and he ALWAYS made it work, and in his sleep-deprived, slightly unwell head, Jimmy's interests and Anya's need for protection clashing didn't mean that Jimmy was an actively dangerous person that needed to be stopped, but rather that he was just not trying hard enough to make things better. This was exacerbated when Jimmy pointed out everything would fall on him as the captain, and he froze, because he knew Jim was right. It would fall on him, and it'd be just, because he failed to stop it. He completely failed Anya, not only as a friend, but more importantly, as a captain, and suddenly his fears of not doing enough came true.

And this is where it gets really personal for me, because I see a lot of myself in Curly. I, too, have trouble examining people's flaws. I let my biases cloud my judgement of others from time to time and allow them to manipulate me because I hoped they'd have good intentions like I did for them. I am also a mediator, a peacekeeper, a people pleaser. And I have also been an enabler. Not of things as horrible, of course - not even close - but an enabler nonetheless. And like Curly, I too have had to watch helplessly as my tendency to give everyone the benefit of the doubt damaged me, and at times even the people around me, because I kept on hoping things would work out if I kept everything "going smoothly" but they never did. The way this game makes Curly go from unable to see the dead pixel to being forced to stare at it, unblinkingly, as it eventually blows the whole screen - something HE could have prevented if he had listened to the one person who was all too aware of it being there - makes me very uncomfortable, because I've been there, and it makes me feel bare in a way no other game has done before. The situations I've been in are the size of a grain of sand when compared to the tragedy that happened in the Tulpar, obviously, but seeing such a parallel in Curly has left me shaken and invited deep introspection regardless. You can't fix everything. You can't always play both sides. Not everyone has the will to change and be better. And you must take action before said action is taken for you. All things this god forsaken game has made me think very long and hard about by showing me a man whose fatal flaws, almost the same as mine, made him lose everything and more.

[honey-floret]

CW// Anxiety Attack

Log X11012555 Journal of Dr. Beatrice "Honey" Lewis

A very tired looking woman appears on screen. Her silver and brown hair a mess of bed head.

Groggily Good morning, this is Dr. Beatrice "Honey" Lewis, this is the.... I'm honestly too tired to really care at this point, I'll just look at the log date later. Last night was just... a lot. I've been trying more lately to socialize with my fellow researchers. It's been hard, but mostly rewarding.

So I pushed myself to go to a staff event last night. A mixed Affini - Sophont social. I really didn't know what to expect. I'd only been to a couple of events way back in my undergraduate; I always felt out of place, and typically left quickly. This event was, I don't know how to say it exactly but more. More sights, more sounds, more smells. The air felt warm and slightly tingly. It was a wave of sensation the moment I entered the room.

There was even more Sophonts there than just the staff. Many of my affini coworkers brought their florets. Including Cybil, her floret was in a pink companion dress, her hair a dark chestnut brown, and her eyes amber and distant. I've seen florets playing in the parks, and walking down the street with their affini, always with these blissed out dazed looks in their eyes. I've always felt this slight disgust whenever I looked at them but also just a weird desire. But yes these florets were busy making out, or playing while their Affini watched. Some of them even looked slightly familiar, but I couldn't place my finger on it. I decided to stay near the other independents.

That was also a mistake. I truly wanted to talk about my interests and hear about theirs but I just couldn't. I couldn't hear the people I was talking to half the time, and the times which I did their voices were just a jumble of meaningless words. I wasn't able to understand a word anyone was saying. My anxiety started to flare up, I started to worry that I was saying the wrong things to their queries. My ears started to feel, how do I say this, like they were bigger than they are. Like I felt the space around my ears pulse, and my throat was running dry constantly from trying to talk over the music and sounds. Then some of the affini came over, and I think? Started to flirt with some of the people I was talking to. One that wasn't Cybil came up to me and said something, but her words also just got lost on me.

I started to hyperventilate, things just spiralling out of control. I felt just a pit form in my stomach. I just ended up breaking down in front of everyone, and just sobbing. It felt like the party grinded to a halt in that moment. Everyone's eyes were on me and that just made it so so much worse. The affini in front of me looked very surprised. She tried to reach out and it felt like she was trying to hit me with one of those blasted needles. I shirked and screamed "No! I don't want that!" I ended up running out of the room and into Cybil who had I guess stepped out with her floret at some point.

I don't know what came over me but I just dug my face into the vines that made up her leg and held on. She reached an arm down and held me. The other partygoers caught up to us, and I don't know what they were saying. Probably something to do with me and my breakdown. All I remember hearing is her voice rumbling through her vines.

"It's okay, I'll look after her."

When everyone was gone, it was just Cybil, myself and her floret.

"It's okay now Honey. They're all gone, you can come out now if you're comfortable."

I remember her saying. I slowly detangled myself from vines. I tried to say something but words just didn't form.

"You're alright, you don't need to talk, you've been having a rough night haven't you? Here drink this."

I nodded sheepishly as she handed me a glass.

"These things happen. Let me guess, it was all just too much for you wasn't it? Affini parties can be overwhelming especially for cute little sophonts like you."

My words slowly started to return "Y... Y.. yes."

"Oh! Look at that, your words have started to come back. What a good girl you are. You were just overstimulated weren't you?"

"I... I... guess. I really wanted to.. to...to be social.. but... I... it's hard"

"You wanted to be social, and you think it's hard. But aren't we being social right now?"

"I mean I guess, but this is different! I know you and it isn't loud and there aren't so many people all talking at once!l

"Mhm, but you don't need to be in that kind of environment to be social. You don't need to be in that kind of environment to make friends. We're friends aren't we?"

"... yes"

"Exactly, and I think my little Alma would also love to be friends with you too, wouldn't you Alma?"

The, up until now, quiet floret piqued up. "Oh yes Mistress! I love making new friends!" She turned her gaze to me, "I would love to be your friend...." she paused and looked up to Cybil.

"Dr. Honey Lewis"

"Dr. Honey Lewis!! Oh I remember now! Miss Acaule has told me a lot about you and how smart and kind you are! Won't you be my friend!?"

I was taken aback for a second from the sheer earnestness of this floret. She wanted to be my friend and she's only just met me? After I was just sobbing into her Affinis vines?

"I... umm.. don't know what to say" I replied

"Silly! You're supposed to say yes!" Said the Floret

"I guess.. yes?"

"Hurray!!! Great yes good!!! I love being friends!! Would you like to play with me? We can do all sorts of games and and!!" Alma went silent as a one of Cybils vines pressed itself against her mouth.

"Hush little one, your excitement is noted, but I think Dr. Lewis is tired after all that excitement. Aren't you Honey?"

I hadn't even noticed until now but after all that crying my limbs felt heavy, and my head fuzzy. "I think you're right Cybil"

"Of course I am. I could tell just how much you want to just get home and sink into your bed. Alma and I'll make sure you get there don't you worry. If you want you can even fall asleep now and I'll carry you?"

I found myself nodding and growing ever more tired with every passing second. Cybil's eyes seemed even more pretty every passing seco....

And then I just awoke back in my bed and it was morning. I... don't know what to make of any of that. I suppose I made a new friend... and Cybil was just so nice to make sure I got home safely. I just hope no one expresses like worry about me when I'm in the office next. I just don't think I could handle that.

Anyways I suppose I should get my day started. This is Honey Lewis signing off

-End Recording-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[sokkastyles]

To me, the ask reads like the people were saying that Zuko should have killed Ozai to spare Aang's morals/cultural beliefs, because he's 12. Which proves that this isn't actually about morality, it's about preserving Aang's moral purity. Like, Zuko can do it because he's older / was a bad guy / is a darker character?

And aside from the fact that the narrative gives us the reason why - Aang has to do it because only the Avatar can restore the balance - I reject the idea that Zuko has to get his hands dirty to preserve Aang's morals, largely because of what Zuko walking away from that fight meant for him.

One of my favorite themes of Zuko's story is the way he reclaims his own innocence as an abuse victim who had that taken from him. Like when Iroh says at the end that Zuko is an idealist with a pure heart and Zuko is shocked to hear himself be described as pure because he's made so many mistakes? That so heartbreakingly captures the experience of an abused child who was never allowed to see themselves as innocent. And one of the ways Ozai tries to take Zuko's innocence for the last time is that scene where he tries to goad Zuko into fighting him. And Zuko says no.

And the reason Zuko can do that is because he knows he has a support system. Zuko tells Ozai that Aang is going to defeat him. Zuko tells Ozai that Iroh has been a real father to him. And although he doesn't mention it, Zuko also has that experience of Katara caring for him and telling him that he doesn't have to choose his family's path for him.

Had Zuko not had those experiences, he very likely would have killed Ozai because he might have seen no other way out of his situation. This is what happens to victims of abuse who are pushed to the edge in the real world. And it usually does not end well for them.

So when I see people say that Zuko should have killed Ozai, his own father, to preserve Aang's innocence, Aang's childhood, I have to give pause. Especially when they're so ready to morally condemn Zuko for wanting his father dead at the same time that they think it would be no big deal for him to do it, and that his own childhood isn't worth preserving.

Also, it's not like Zuko is saying Aang should kill Ozai while he sits back and watches. Zuko joined the group because he wanted to help make it happen. And Zuko stayed while Aang ran away, and continued to lead the group when they didn't know what to do after Aang's dissapearance. Zuko isn't the one who lacks convictions in the finale or the one relying on destiny to make things work out for him, he's the one making things happen while Aang stumbles into a solution to his problems.

There's also the weird moralizing that goes along with this that feels uncomfortable in the context of Zuko's story as an abuse victim, and it goes like this: Zuko is morally wrong for wanting to kill his abuser (but also wrong for not doing it), while Aang is morally pure for trying to appeal to Ozai's better nature and almost getting killed by him in the process. Do you see how that narrative wrongly places responsibility on victims and puts them into dangerous situations? I'm talking about both Aang and Zuko. Zuko wanted Aang to kill Ozai because he was terrified that Ozai would kill them all, not because he wanted Aang to do his dirty work or because he didn't understand Aang's morals.

I've seen people criticize Zuko for not taking the opportunity to kill Ozai during the eclipse but expecting Aang, a 12 y.o. pacific monk to do that instead. He was called hypocritical for being unsympathetic towards his unwillingness to take a life when he himself couldn't. I do like Zuko and tend to side with him ( post redemption ofc ) over Aang, but that seems like a valid take, I don't think I have a counter-argument to that.What is your opinion on It ? Also, what do you think was the in-universe reason for Zuko to make such a decision? He said that It's not his destiny, do you think there was any other reason for It? Is he not wrong for not doing It just bc of destiny since It's just an abstract concept and the stakes were really high ( plus It's against the show's message about shaping your own destiny) ?

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like the people criticizing Zuko for not killing Ozai when he had the chance wanted Aang to do it? That doesn't sound like a contradiction, so I'm not sure if that's how you meant it?

Aside from that, I can only speak for myself. I understand why Zuko didn't kill Ozai. I also understand why Aang didn't want to. What my problem with the resolution for that was that it was the first time Aang seems to have even thought about what ending the war would entail. It doesn't make him look noble, or idealistic. It just makes him look stupid. What do you mean? What do you mean that he took this entire journey to get him to master all the elements on a deadline so he can end the war, and he had no idea what ending the war would even look like? He didn't even consider it? It had to be told to him. He really goofed off this entire series and didn't think about his project until the night before it was due. And don't anyone try to use his age to excuse this to me. First of all, Aang isn't a 12 year old. He's a fictional character who was created by writers. Writers who were telling a story. THEY are the ones who didn't consider how Aang would end the war. Second, within the story, Aang's age is never used as an excuse for why he did this. In fact, not only is an excuse not given, it's treated like a virtue on his end and not a lack of forethought on his part. He's rewarded for it.

Listen, I hate the Lionturtle/Rock of Destiny double deus ex machina, and I have made no secret of it. It was a cop out. It cheapened the finale. It made everything Aang was supposed to learn irrelevant, because no, he didn't have to make sacrifices and hard choices for his victory. He won because he was supposed to win (and how's that for shaping your own destiny?). Here's the thing, though. The Lionturtle, at least, could have worked. If Aang had to come up with the solution himself, go find the Lionturtle and ask for help (and maybe have to perform some challenge to earn it), then it would've been a satisfying ending while still not making Aang himself have to shed blood (nevermind that keeping his hands clean was a privilege most of the heroes in this story couldn't have).

I didn't necessarily want Aang to kill Ozai, and definitely didn't want him to kill Ozai just because it would look cool (although...). I would have been fine with a no-kill ending, if it had been set up right. I just think having Aang kill Ozai given the set up of the rest of the story would've been more satisfying than the cop-out ex machina double team. Or someone else could've faced Ozai, because he was never the main villain of the series. Azula was. And that fight was both satisfying and didn't end with her death, either (because it's a kids' show). It wouldn't even have to change. Aang was not the real hero of this story. Katara was the hero of the first half, and Zuko was the hero of the second. Aang was just the McGuffin. He could've sat this one out and been the one to make the "Real Hero" speech instead of Zuko. That would have been a good ending.

[mono-doc]

Back from the art grave

I needle felted my friend a little Amy figure before she left the country, I finished her at 4 am and got 2 hours of sleep 🫡

I've only needle felted a couple small things before this (and the last thing I made was 4 years ago). So. I kind of just jumped into it and hoped I wouldn't run into any problems lmao

It turned out p good I think 👍

[thebirdandhersong]

Lol

[james-spooky]

this is a test

[vindieselsfacebook-blog]

Omg I was positively foaming at the mouth reading this - thank you for sharing! As the self-proclaimed no. 1 AYITL defender, you're beautifully articulating so many of my opinions, too. I must chime in with some thoughts of my own:

I agree that it feels cozy and comfortable for me, too! It was never going to look as gorgeous as the early seasons filmed traditionally with Michael A. Price at the helm as cinematographer, but the colors and lighting are so much richer and beautiful than S6-7. I think a lot of people bristle at all the cold blues in the first episode, but babes, it's Winter - that's the point??? Fall is stunning. The sets look more expensive and lived-in than a lot of the original series does. On a cozy Sunday night, the episodes I most think about turning on for comfort-watching are the pilot, the last 3 in S4, sometimes the last 3 in S7, and AYITL!

AYITL has SO much gratifying closure and growth - I haaate when fans say they hate it because it feels like no one has grown and they've just been immaturely frozen in time. That's the point! They finally are!!! Wouldn't you prefer seeing that to being told it happened off-screen years ago?

I think the only thing I really disagree with you on is your more pessimistic takes on Lorelai and Rory, but especially Rory. "Rory is self-centered, thinks she is special, and has no idea how to deal with not getting what she wants. The consequences of her actions almost never directly affect her, and when they do, said consequences are quickly stamped on and snuffed out by her mother/friends/family." I totally disagree with this. I think Rory is a chronic people-pleaser with shaky self-esteem. Her family thinks the world of her and she often really struggles with the weight of those expectations. She's expected to succeed where Lorelai failed not just to justify Lorelai's entire life's ambitions, but heal her grandparents' wounds, too. Her father left her and shows little to no interest in her. Her paternal grandparents tell her to her face she's a disappointing mistake that ruined lives. It's not that she has no idea how to deal with not getting what she wants, but she has no idea how to deal with failure when she was doing all she thought she had to to succeed. She's a list-maker, a studier, a rule-follower - when things don't follow her obsessively planned plan, she melts down. Her worst decisions are made when she finally explodes after bottling up her emotions. People often say Rory never suffers consequences but that also isn't true? Headmaster Charleston enforces rules and punishments on her multiple times in S1 and nothing is simply handed to her at Chilton. She really struggles those first few episodes. Dean publicly breaks up with her and calls her out on her shit with Jess. She flounders her first year at Yale struggling to get her articles published then having to drop a class because she can't keep up. She tries to date and has a tough time connecting with people. Mitchum is an asshole to her and makes her doubt her entire career path. She doesn't get the NYT fellowship. The list of Rory's struggles, failures, and consequences go on and on. I really don't get why people seem to gloss over them? Because her mother loves her and believes in her in spite of these things...? Why do women in fiction seemingly have to "earn" love and support?

"Rory’s life rhymes with Lorelai’s." Obsessed with this line - what a beautiful way to put it!

I've truly never thought of a what a perfect metaphor coffee is for Lorelai's vices. You're soo right and it's soo good! Having Luke be the provider of her favorite coffee is also just *chef's kiss*

One of my favorite parts of AYITL is Lorelai redirecting Richard's inheritance from Luke's business to hers. In contrast to her begging for the tuition money in the pilot, this time feels like an empowered decision. Her dad wanted Luke to expand his business because he felt like his daughter's partner should be taking care of her. She says no, I'm the one taking care of myself and expanding my own empire - I don't need my husband to do that for me and I can honor my father's legacy myself. :')

Just to nit-pick, I must remind that Lorelai never "refused" to expand the Dragonfly - she literally couldn't and I think that added to her feelings of frustration and being stuck in place. There was no space at the existing building, protected wetlands preventing expansion, and she couldn't afford another property until she thought to use the money from Richard. Also, as symbolic as it would've been, the Dragonfly Annex isn't the Twickham House. Kind of glad tbh as I always found the Twickham House ugly as hell lol. I hate that storyline for multiple reasons, but the top is that it feels sooo not like Luke or Lorelai???

I'd love to defend Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life for a minute (I don't usually make long posts and may delete this later for that reason) because I feel like writing something inconsequential.

Other people get lots of comfort watching the original show (especially in the fall). I feel cozier watching AYITL. The characters are much older; the dizzy, flighty, still-growing-up feelings for Lorelai and Rory have faded, and it's full of moments that make it clear that certain things in their lives are definitely always going to be there. Constants. Luke, Stars Hollow, family, Kirk, Taylor, the changing of the seasons. Now - for my defense. (I'm rambling.)

Okay, many, many people don't like the revival. I understand. It's different in a lot of ways from the original show, and lots of expectations were not met. When I first saw it, it threw me too. But I didn't dislike it. In fact, the more I rewatched it, the more I thought it was almost better than the first show. The leading ladies are not flashy young stars anymore - Rory is Lorelai's age when the OG show first began, and Lorelai is gracefully and fabulously careening toward grandma times with all her wit and charm, all her most comfy habits, and it makes me want to hang out with her more than Season 1 of the show ever did. And I think the fact that ASP came back to write for these characters again and end it on her terms, at last, was an absolute win, and I love how she did it because it fixed so many things I thought were wrong in the show.

Lorelai is self-centered, terrified of commitment, and has no idea how to put others before herself and not run away during the hard times - unless something involves Rory.

Rory is self-centered, thinks she is special, and has no idea how to deal with not getting what she wants. The consequences of her actions almost never directly affect her, and when they do, said consequences are quickly stamped on and snuffed out by her mother/friends/family.

Emily is self-centered, desperate to be in control, and finds her worth in what other people think, in how things look, and that includes what Richard thinks.

In the show, Lorelai has moments where she learns to stay and learns to put other people who are not Rory before herself. Those moments don't last. She definitely has good intentions, but they're all conditional. She only has good intentions up to a point - and that point is usually when someone or something threatens her happiness and feeling of safety, or Rory's happiness and feelings of safety (understandable; that's her child).

In the show, Rory is told she is the sweetest kid in the whole world. Rory is told she'd never do anything to hurt anybody. Rory is told she's special, she's smarter than her peers, she's not like other girls. Rory 100% believes that. She also probably has a bit of a problem with living up to that image - she wants to be all of those things, and thinks she is, and can't handle it when it seems like people think she's not. (That may or may not have something to do with Christopher, who always had somewhere more important to be, or with Lorelai, who was so cool and strong and sure of Rory.)

And the show has moments, too, where Lorelai has to face the music and see that she's screwed up or is hurting someone with her behavior (Max, Chris, Luke, Jason, Emily, Richard, Sookie), but very very often, Lorelai breezes her way through that music and keeps moving, and flits to the next thing or person that will make her happy, because she does not know how to stay and stand and fix what she's broken. Because it only matters if she is happy and if Rory is happy. (The same thing goes for Rory in the show - consequences come, but Rory rarely has to properly deal with them herself. She is coddled and propped up the whole way.)

Now, to my point!

I watched AYITL and noticed something was different right away. Lorelai is with Luke (she should be), who is the opposite of her - constant, loyal, selfless, determined to stay no matter how hard things get. But they're not married. Lorelai is scared to really commit, and marriage is one of the hardest things you can commit to - ever. And Lorelai is not happy. Rory, for her part, is not perfectly settled as a reporter or a journalist or any of the things she was always told she could be. And she's not happy. And Emily, bless her, has lost her husband and her false sense of control is spinning away, and of course, she is not happy.

And A Year In The Life takes the show's clumsy half-arc of these three Gilmore women and perfectly completes it.

Lorelai's fear of commitment and habit of bolting when things get hard drives her to push every new chef out of the Dragonfly, refuse to expand the inn to better accommodate Michel's needs, shun Rory's tell-all of her past mistakes, shame Richard at his funeral and break Emily's heart, and worst of all, nearly wreck the closest thing to a proper relationship she's ever had: the one she has with Luke. She can't face that she misses her father, loved her father, and that maybe her mother is right about her relationship status. She can't face that people might read Rory's writing and see all her flaws and all her mistakes growing up in printed ink, and she can't run from that. And when Rory insists, Lorelai cuts ties. Lorelai has spent years avoiding marriage with Luke. She has spent years hurting her mother in an effort to defend herself at all costs. And she has spent years ensuring the Dragonfly Inn is exactly what she wants it to be; because changing it would be uncomfortable, and as a result, she won't commit to a new chef, she won't expand, and she's about to lose Michel the way she lost Sookie.

Rory's bubble of self-centeredness and assurance that she's special is popped with the needle of reality at last: she is not special. She's a young woman who has to actually work hard to find a job and make some money, like everyone her age. She is talented and she is smart, but she's not God's gift to journalism, and people keep saying no, and people keep asking her to prove her skills and her merit, and she doesn't know how to deal with that because everyone has always told her she can do anything she wants and she's the best. She wants a distinguished career and can't find anyone who will take her on; she tries to write for a raging batty feminist (hello Alex Kingston I love your work) and that goes sideways; she wants Logan Huntzberger but she turned down his proposal and now he's engaged and it has to be a secret; she wants somewhere to live - just not Stars Hollow because she's better than the thirty-somethings stuck back home. She wants Lorelai to approve of her book and insists her mother give her this, as if Lorelai hasn't always given her whatever she could. And when Lorelai says no, Rory does what she wants anyway and almost fractures their relationship over it.

Emily's control is completely gone - she can't control her emotions, she can't control her tongue, she can't control her maid or her maid's handy family, she can't even control a stupid painting of her late husband. She's on a downward spiral and her anchor is dead. She tries to regain a sense of worth, because surely that will bring happiness back. She tries to gain it from how many possessions she has, that doesn't work. She tries to gain it from Jack, who is not well-suited to her but he makes a matching accessory to the life other people will see. That doesn’t work. She tries to gain it from therapy with Lorelai, control her daughter at last, that doesn't work. She tries to control Richard's headstone, that doesn't work. She even tries to find solace with her beloved D.A.R, and she finds that emptiest of all.

A Year In The Life has these women finally face their flaws head-on and grow. The way characters should.

Rory: Rory is confronted with the fact that she is not special and has to move home like everyone else her age and get a job she does not want, because that's life, and that's what everyone else has to do in the real world. And when she's at her lowest, pouting, she gets advice from someone who has faced his own flaws long ago and has grown and who knows her at her best, and encourages her to get up and work hard (Jess Mariano, ladies and gentlemen). And she does. Rory hits bottom and takes Jess's advice and works at understanding her mother, who is not perfect, and even goes to interview her father, who is also not perfect. She fights with Lorelai over the book and insists on her own way, and when Lorelai refuses, Rory can only blame herself. She has a rabble-rousing night with her LaDB boys and winds up sleeping with Logan in one more bubble of fantasy, one more umbrella-jump of escapism, like the old days, because Logan is her weakness. And when she wakes up the next morning, Rory turns and walks away from Logan and the affair and her insistence on having what she wants regardless of who she hurts (hello, Dean Forrester and her affinity for taking spoken-for men) for the final time. And the consequences of her desires? She’s pregnant. (Come on, we all know the baby is Logan’s; Rory’s life rhymes with Lorelai’s.) She goes to Christopher to interview him for the book and is subtly asking her father why he wasn’t in her life, because she needs to know what to do with her baby and her lover. She didn’t go to Lorelai to figure that out. She went to her dad, because the truth is, Rory didn’t have her father, and part of dealing with the consequences of her actions is to work out how to take care of this baby and whether or not that means involving the father. She’s owning up. She goes to Lorelai and offers to give up this book; she doesn’t make excuses or whine, she wrote the book anyway because she believes in it, but when she’s gotten three chapters in, she respectfully goes to her mother and asks her to read it and then, for the sake of Lorelai, not herself, Rory promises to quit and throw the book out if Lorelai does not approve. Because Lorelai is more important to her than herself. Rory has worked hard and made mistakes and gotten pregnant and she has stared the world in the eyes and seen she’s not special. And she has to deal with that. And she does, finally, deal with it. And she’s happy.

Emily: Emily is confronted with the fact that nothing is inside her control—except what she does. Worth does not come from what she owns or who she’s with or what she’s wearing, and it didn’t come from her marriage, either. That wasn’t why she married Richard anyway. She is miserable and alone, and part of that is her fault. She married Richard because she loved him, and she keeps coming back to Lorelai because she loves her, and she opens up her house to Rory when Rory needs a place to write because she loves her. Emily looks around at what she has and recognizes what has worth and what doesn’t, maybe for the first time, with clear vision. She recognizes that she can’t control everything. At first, that fact keeps her down. She forgets what day it is, the curtains are closed, and she doesn’t get up in the morning. No Richard, no Lorelai, no reason to move. And then Lorelai calls her, and tells her about who Richard was and what Richard did and how it mattered, and that inspires Emily. She can get up. She buys a place on Cape Cod, totally opposite of the sort of life everyone admires and expects to have worth, and she does what she’s really always been best at—she loves. She takes care. She took care of Richard, she took care of Lorelai and Rory when they needed it, and she takes care of Berta and her wonderful family, instead of having a maid take care of her needs. She packs up and moves out, she sends Jack away, she reveals the D.A.R. for what it is and quits them forever, and she takes a job at a whaling museum because she just likes it. It’s nothing fancy, and neither is her oceanic house or the music she plays in it or the clothing she wears, because none of that is worth anything anyway. Her family is. Her friends are. She gets the painting of Richard done right and brings it with her, and she gives up attempting control of everything and only takes control of how she behaves. She gives Lorelai what Lorelai needs for the Dragonfly, and her only stipulation is that she gets to spend more time with her daughter and Luke. She loves, she takes care of others, she helps. And she’s happy. And now, the best for last. The star.

Lorelai: Lorelai sits in that stupid Stars Hollow Musical and hears a song that perfectly describes her problem—it’s never or now. Make a commitment. Do something hard. Make your life about something other than your momentary present happiness and comfort, the way you do with just Rory, sometimes, but make it a permanent change. Make change permanent! Don’t run away! …And then she runs away. She’s been miserable, she’s hit bottom, like her mother before her and her daughter after her. She’s losing friends, she’s losing Luke, she’s losing Emily, she’s losing Rory over the manuscript, and it’s all her fault. Lorelai tries to breeze past it. She does Wild. She does what she’s never done before, she does something hard and uncomfortable, but she does it for herself, and therefore it doesn’t quite work. She tries to hike, Dipper Pines won’t let her hike, she meets other women her age who think this hike is gonna fix things, it doesn’t, and she gives up and goes to get coffee because that’s her go-to. (Coffee is speedy, bad for you, and only a temporary rush—kind of everything Lorelai clings to, actually.) But the coffee shop is closed, and when Lorelai is denied that allegorical Band Aid, she goes around back and sees a great view and finally finds clarity. She didn’t need the hike—she needed to think. She needed a moment of silence and introspection to gain the insane courage to finally stop moving, stick around, and face her fears. To put her eyes on herself and then take her eyes off herself and onto other people—namely the people she loves. Lorelai calls Emily and cries, because it’s hard to do this, it hurts, but with one story, she proves she loved her father, and she knows her father loved her, and the fact that she’s calling shows that she knows Emily loves her too, and she loves Emily, and has loved them both all along. It gives Emily the strength she needs to get out of bed. That was hard, but Lorelai did it. And now she’s going to do more hard things—she’s going to commit. It’s never or now, and Lorelai chooses now. She goes home and the first thing she does is propose to Luke and become Lorelai Danes overnight. Hard. Scary. Just right. She patches things up with her daughter, and chooses Rory over herself—for the hundredth time, yes, but when it’s at its hardest for her to do. “I’ll read it when it’s done.” Lorelai expands the Dragonfly using one of the biggest monuments to her fear of commitment – the Twickham House. She goes to Emily for help, which is also super hard, but this time it’s not for Rory – it’s for her, and it’s for Michel, and it’s for the Dragonfly. And she accepts Emily’s affectionate terms. Lorelai chooses Rory, Luke, Emily, and Michel over herself, and commits, and she doesn’t run away. And she’s happy.

And all of it is earned. Finally earned.

I could talk more about the incredible writing, about ASP at her best, about the perfect themes and scenery and the very intentional end to Paris, Lane, Kirk, Taylor, Dean, Jess, Logan, Chris, and the general cast’s stories, but I’ve already rambled for too long.

Suffice it to say: A Year in the Life is my Gilmore Girls. It’s best version of the story. I think it was expertly done. Not perfect, but an ending that was earned.

[uygfiug]

how do you people study through extreme exhaustion? bc thats what always gets me during the exams & i cannot keep doing this forever

[clonememesfrikyeah]

You know what would be the worst? If at the end of the war when all is said and done, after the clones lost every little thing they had, after Vaders rise and the Jedi’s fall, after all that death and hardship and misery? It would be terrible to be a clone and wake up like suddenly coming out of a coma, in a stasis chamber that they grew up in and rarely left, there was the craziest dream just before and there’s the lingering feeling something important just happened, this is Kamino 35bby, all the information they were just fed is already neatly stored in their perfect flash-memory brain. No ones died yet, all of that was a simulation based on a calculation of events to instal orders and hone the discipline of troops. It’s dark, there’s no way of telling if anyone or anything exists beyond the boundary’s of the inside. There’s a designated call sign and designation along with vitals displayed in the line of vision, it’s also counting down the seconds to when a new simulation is set to begin.

[acourtofquestions]

Boots crunched in hay, and then he was knee to knee before her.

Aedion.

There was nothing kind on his face. No pity or warmth.

For a long minute, they only stared at each other.

Then the prince growled softly, "Your plan was bullshit."

She said nothing, and couldn't stop her shoulders from curving inward.

"Your plan was bullshit," he breathed, his eyes sparking. "How could you ever be her, wear her skin, and think to get away with it? How could you ever think you'd get around the fact that our armies are counting on you to burn the enemy to ashes, and all you can do is run away and emerge as some beast instead?"

"You don't get to pin this retreat on me," she rasped. The first words she'd spoken in days and days.

"You agreed to let Aelin go to her death, and leave us here to be slashed to bloody ribbons. You two told no one of this plan, told none of us who might have explained the realities of this war, and that we would need a gods-damned Fire-Bringer and not an untrained, useless shape-shifter against Morath."

Blow after blow, the words landed upon her weary heart. "We—"

"If you were so willing to let Aelin die, then you should have let her do it after she incinerated Erawan's hordes!"

"It would not have stopped Maeve from capturing her."

"If you'd told us, we might have planned differently, acted differently, and we would not be here, damn you!"

She stared at the muddy hay. "Throw me out of your army, then."

"You ruined everything." His words were colder than the wind outside. "You, and her."

Lysandra closed her eyes.

Hay rustled, and she knew he'd risen to his feet, knew it as his words speared from above her bowed head. "Get out of my tent."

She wasn't certain she could move enough to obey, though she wished to. Needed to. Fight back. She should fight back. Rage at him as he lashed at her, needing an outlet for his fear and despair.

Lysandra opened her eyes, peering up at him. At the rage on his face, the hatred She managed to stand, her body bleating in pain. Managed to look him in the eye, even as Aedion said again with quiet cold, "Get out."

Barefoot in the snow, naked beneath her cloak. Aedion glanced at her bare legs, as if realizing it. And not caring.

So Lysandra nodded, clutching Ansel's cloak tighter, and strode into the frigid night.

"Where is she?" Ren asked, a mug of what smelled like watery soup in one hand, a chunk of bread in the other. The lord scanned the tent as if he would find her under the cot, the hay.

Aedion stared at the precious few logs burning in the brazier, and said nothing.

"What have you done?" Ren breathed.

Everything was about to end. Had been doomed since Maeve had stolen Aelin. Since his queen and the shifter had struck their agreement.

So it didn't matter, what he'd said. He hadn't cared if it wasn't fair, wasn't true.

Didn't care if he was so tired he couldn't muster shame at his pinning on her the blame for the sure defeat they'd face in a matter of days before Perranth's walls.

He wished she'd smacked him, had screamed at him. But she had let him rage. And had walked out into the snow, barefoot.

He'd promised to save Terrasen, to hold the lines. Had done so for years. And yet this test against Morath, when it had counted ... he had failed.

He’d muster the strength to fight again. To rally his men. He just ... he needed to sleep.

Aedion didn't notice when Ren left, undoubtedly in search of the shifter with who he was so damned enamored.

He should summon his Bane commanders. See how they thought to manage this disaster.

But he couldn't. Could do nothing but stare into that fire as the long night passed.

[gibbearish]

am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes