#i love writing but it truly is so much work. and i dont have the healthiest relationship with posting.
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maybe i didnt need to worry about anything, maybe i just had to make the comic
#quail talks#hi 🫶 i am just excited and feeling such euphoria rn#i just wrapped up one of the last pages in this opening scene and im so !!!!!!!!!!#i have about 20 pages ahead sketched and i'm slowly working through it between homework and general life drudge#its so wonderful..........i mean. i knew i always loved comics. this is technically my 4th#but this is my BIG ONE you know. the one i am Coloring. and its longer than 40 pages#the one i want to Periodically Release (i have no idea when i will be- i want to make sure i am far enough into it! backlog!!)#but i do plan on releasing it along the way of producing#i was so so so stressed out about Planning and Scripting and oh goddd is the story even GOOD enough.#hey. claire. (gripping her shoulders) you've been working on this story for 4 years. you have plenty planned and outlined i promise#and the story will continue to change!! im excited to be rangling this beast along the way#i just had to get started and im so glad i have#it might take my 4 more years to complete- but does a story ever finish truly?? its about the process......................................#and i dont need to worry about the story being Perfect- i am only 21. this is not the last story i will ever write lol#it just feels like a door in my brain has been opened that has always been supposed to be opened#i hope you guys like it as much as i do when i do release it :3
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on some level I understand that welcome to hell is probably a little harder to sell than hazbin given the *gestures vaguely* entire main plotline of w2h THAT SAID im going to be mad about it forever. because one of them is actually funny and has good character design and compelling dynamics and a good plot and its not the one about the freaking hotel.
#literally hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby like nothing vivziepop ever writes will be as good as your first demonic possession#everyone who knows me irl is going to look away now because I need to be really mean about hazbin for a second#and I feel bad doing that because I know my wonderful friends like it. but its my god given right to be a hater on my Tumblr blog.#LIKE ive seen some of hazbin and helluva. theyre mid theyre so mid.#the plots are not compelling the characters have no intriguing chemistry#theyre throwing so much at you both character and storyline wise and its impossible to keep track of anything. theres no time to care about#anyone or any of their stories!!!#and they both rely so much on swear words/sex jokes for their writing and like. its just too much it stops being funny.#anyone who knows me knows I love a good swear or a good sex joke but dude theyre just so constant that they dont work#and it also cheapens the parts that actually try to get serious you know? the tonal whiplash just makes it hard to take anything seriously#like I honestly think if they took hazbin a little more seriously it could actually be good. like I get the oooo swears for adults aspect#but truly if they just bothered to write a good plot instead of forcing a million fuck jokes into it then it could work. but they didn't.#sad!!!!#okay im nice now. when my beautiful friends bring up hazbin I will bite my tongue and not even say anything a little mean#even though its bad and sucks. I will focus on the parts of it that could have worked. so that I can engage with their interests kindly#because all their other interests rule so hard. its just hazbin that I can't stand.
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Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol
#I added a few people that you can randomly run into around town (like at the inn or in the forest or etc) and have very short conversations#with just to kind of flesh out the world a little more in a more natural-ish seeming way. Like nobody in the main cast would really#have much reason to talk about the actual city you're in or anything. Since most of them havent lived there that long anyway.#But if there's a ''city inspector'' that you can run into whilst he's writing up notes examining the local inn. then maybe there could be a#few dialogue options with him where you can ask about things like that. since he would know more about the area as an offical Government#Worker or etc. Optional of course. since I have to be so wary of my natural inclination to lore dump lol and am trying extra hard to make i#all stuff thats easily avoided/skipped. But for the people like ME who deliberately choose to exhaust every possible optional dialogue#option and explore every single inch of the world and try to collect as much information as possible - then there are a few extra places to#do that. Though obviously not all of them just give exposition for like 15 paragraphs blandly. Some you don't really learn anything from#and it's kind of just.. random flavor to make the non-shop map locations more ''lived in'' feeling. Like the random#little girl you can talk to in the park doesn't bizarrely start reading out the wikipedia description of some War that happened 10 years ag#or whatever. she's just complains about school a little and asks if you've tried the nearby ice cream cart treats and etc lol#ANYWAY..#some of the art is so so evil but I'm not going to spend 800 years trying to clean it up and update it. whatever the hell mess I sketched#out in 2018 or whatever is just what I'm keeping lol... it is what it is#One of the many trials of the whole 'briefly work a few months on something and then abandon it almost entirely only to pick up work#on it literally like 4 - 5 yrs later and now you must contend with trying to decipher whatever weird shit you did years ago' experience lol#Also given the population breakdowns of the world in general I think there's an unrealistic amount of jhevona in this lineup since#they're a much rarer species to just see out and about anywhere but.. it IS a global trading center type area. and the game#takes place in the north (the country of Asen. near the coast. for the maybe 2 or less people who actually keep up with my worldbuilding#enough to know where that is lol (the same continent as Navyete (where the avirre'thel live)) and there's a decent concentration#of nothern jhevona only a short ways away so... tee hee..I shall pretend it makes sense and not merely me just wanting#to represent more of that species because I think their lore is interesting lol#I MEAN also realistically there would NOT be a human here because humans are extremely isolated species that don't even know the rest#of the world exists really and human territories are extremely protected from the outside world but... of course it's like.. well we need#at least One of them to be there for the Optional Lore. Same with the Ythrili. But at least those are like.. PLAUSIBLE.. not nonsensically#outlandish. If I had a Verrucalt or something in there THEN that would be truly lore-breaking almost lol#ANYWAY.. rambling that only means anything to me because nobody else knows what I'm even referencing but hbjh#also I think my character designs are so funny in the sense that I really do just love to do the same thing over and over again ghbjh#wow... random asymmetry and belts and arm straps and high collars where the neck is completely covered?? you dont say..how novel
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Actually, it's so nice how much excitement I can give people just by updating my fanfiction... over and over, I'm seeing people express how happy they were that I updated...
It's hard to feel like it matters when you're all alone, head tight with strain, pushing to just Finish That Chapter... and then you're all alone, having finished it, and nothing's truly changed. You just feel wrung out and tired.
But it does change things, actually. All these people across the world, expressing how excited they are to see me update... It wasn't even a very momentous chapter (though the vashwood scene is setting the groundwork for their whole relationship, and is thus very important on an interpersonal scale), but people are still excited, enough so that someone even drew something from it.
Idk. A week later and I'm finally really coming to terms with how much people seem to really love my fic. I'd gone long enough without updating that I'd forgotten. Or maybe I was just scared that people would've lost interest. And maybe some did. I did lose a few subscribers when I updated (I've found that's normal after long periods, from people who are no longer interested in the fandom and such). But the number of people who have said in some way shape or form that they're excited Far exceeds the number of subscriptions I lost.
It's worth it. For them, it's worth it. I've done it before a number of times, and I'll do it again. I'll make sure this story gets finished.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#sorry for the random sentimentality. i peeked into the tags on the itnl artwork#and i saw people being excited and just. it's nice. it is. reminds me of what it's all for.#i love writing but it truly is so much work. and i dont have the healthiest relationship with posting.#in that i tend to push myself way too hard for it. im going to try to moderate myself more for my own health#look for beta reader(s) to check it and calm the neuroticism and also slow me down.#but no matter how difficult the process is. i bring people joy by posting. so it is all worth it.#just need to finish up this reverse bang fic and then i can commit myself fully to itnl... and i will.#im looking forward to it. i get to reveal some things ive had cooking for a while. one thing since the very beginning.#soon... soon.
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I could play one of the most beautiful well crafted video games on the planet and it will never be as appealing to me as one that kind of sucks shit but has soooo much potential
#merlin.txt#just finished cyberpunk#i feel like they could have done sooo much more with the concepts they had#the game showed us a bit of everything in the world but i dont think they explored any one topic enough#and they pulled a ton of punches. the ending did not feel like this big 'grab your allies and fuck the corpos' thing it shouldve been#it was mostly just tying up johnnys loose end. one big loop. which i fuck with; but it wasnt rlly anticapitalist at all in that sense#i have a bunch of other thoughts on johnny but ill save it#but god. the beginning (act 1 and the first bits of act 2) where just soooo fucking good#and it rlly felt like it was going to gear up into this huge thing instead of just being one last hurrah for rogue and johnny#AUUUGHH theres just So Much Potential. goddamn#imo i think the major thing is that at some point it stopped being v's story. it was everyone elses#he has Very little agency. which is interesting but man this guy deserves better#when it comes down to it the game Is really shallow. whenever there is any sincerity in themes its very centrist#the fact is you dont rlly meet many characters in game who are Truly working to take down corps except for johnny and he doesnt rlly count#and if there Are its usually played for irony and laughs (looking at kerry) or theyre flat out kind of awful.#judys story is probably the best of the companions bc shes actively trying to help sex workers and its played very positively#i also think two of the main themes (letting go of the past; what it means to die) are Majorly helped by some incredible emotional beats#and w/o some just Really Really good scenes and good repetition of lines and motifs its very tropey.#ok i wasnt going to write a full thing. but let me be clear: i fucking loved this game. i would not be writing so much if i did not love it#the sun ending was Still soooo vindicating. v is still kicking and that's all that matters to me#(it helps that v is a Great protag like one of the Best voiced rpg protags next to hawke da2)#(which is kind of a funny comparison since i think both protags suffer from a lack of agency)#ok im done now
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Me: I should probably clean my room, unpack, find my laptop and finish the work tasks that were due yesterday
Also me: I think I'm going to hot glue flowers, vines, and ribbons to a basket instead :)
#no my room is so bad it even hurts my chronically messy soul#i moved back in with my parents in May and im terrible at unpacking#so everything is just strewn about because i just pulled shit out of boxes when i needed them and never put them anywhere productive#and i just got back from my summer camp job. i still need to digitize my inventory and write my closing report#it was supposed to be done before i left camp but i convinced them to let me do it by monday#today is tuesday#part of the reason i havent done it is because my laptop is lost in this mess#last thing im procrastinating is ren faire prep#truly its not much prep just adding vines and flowers to a basket and needing to try on my whole outfit#and practice my makeup and hair#makeup will be light bcuz i dont know how to do makeup#so im just doing some lipstick and glittery highlight#and i need to figure out what to do with my hair. i have a tiara that i might see about fastening into the braids#or i may braid ribbons into my hair. gotta test to see whoch one i like better#i am so fucking excited for ren faire bcuz im going with my gf and some of her friends#im so excited to meet her friends and spend time with her outside of the summer camp we worked at together#AND im going to do her hair and she asked me to braid ribbons into her hair so im so excited#i just need to practice some braids to figure out how i want to do her hair and practice braiding in ribbons#i fucking love doing hair and i cant wait to do hers. ive done single strand braods for her before BUT#she has long beautiful hair and ive been wanting to try more braids on her and i think i have an idea of what i want to do#but instead of doing anything productive. i am sitting in bed. doing nothing#(spoiler alert its because every time i leave camp i get treated to a terrible depressive episode)#(its because i lose the routine and sunshine and exercise and social aspect of camp probably)#(now worsened by the terrible state of my room and the passing of one of my rats while i was at camp that i just learned about)#anyway im doing fine. gonna go do something now ig
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on today's episode of 'acaica's background thoughts for the dess raises kris au': okay but lets be serious do dess and chara actually stay together in the end--
#drkau#chatter#i debate over this point SO OFTEN LOL#they are BACKGROUND characters. like medium at best.#dess (or asriel or both you can argue any way) is the catalyst for everything but at the end of the day this is a kids story#and noelle IS still going to be the main character#but. man. does desschara work it out#their dynamic will be by far one of the hardest ones to write it think#it is very messy and very complicated and neither of them make great choices#and ive been writing a test piece of them for a WHILE#which. was good to get a decent nail of their characters as they stand in this au#but introduced SO MUCH MORE MESS. bc chara is aroace and 100% has some trauma and fucked-up feelings around sex#but xe DOES have sex with dess. and its like. does xe fully consent to it? yes!#does dess check in to be sure hey you're down bc she knows chara is ace while she isnt? also yes!!!#by the books they do everything right its just. chara is very very very good at rationalizing things.#and xe is. not actually as okay with this as xe is trying to be. and in fact this is very unhealthy for xir#(and then theres this whole OTHER layer of dark worlds and prophecies and everything that leads to frisk being born)#and its like. man. Man. this is so much to juggle#just everything between desschara is jngdfg they are trying their bests but it really is not going that well#bc they meet at like. 19-20 i think and chara's had nobody at all and sorta keeps chasing being someone's most important person#and dess has never had someone who has understood her on a level like chara#who really truly gets what shes about as a person and how she operates in the world#and its just a perfect storm really. and they both have kids and dess did technically kidnap hers just a little bit#and she never tells that to chara. and she tries but she cannot stay in place with xir#and chara couldnt hate her bc. again. has never experienced unconditional love#or love at all really </3 so instead of ever having hard conversations xe will brush it all under the rug#and sorta just enable dess's worse impulses. even sometimes at the expense of their literal children#ITS MESSY YALL. AND LIKE.#at the end of the day we'll see lol maybe they work it out maybe they dont. i have no idea. ive gotta write the thing#and if dr chapters 3&4 come out that could complicate things even FURTHER--
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(credits to ssruis)
This song is the only thing keeping me going I do not play about mr showtime 😞 nothing ruined me (made my life better) the way this song did
(Sendn. Me songs to do this with in my ask box… sniffle…)
#circuses? heh.. yeah.. im familiar… jesters? oh#even better…. rellakinoko? now hold on this is already gonna be good… tsukasa tenma? im sold. the fish has been captured. im followinf the#sirens into the deepest parts of the sea and wont be coming back. Unfortunately i had gotten t1k (t571) on ensekai for phoenix and am still#bitter about it. Emu and nene came home but the ugly blonde didnt. This is why we’re having problems tsukasa#i have a mr showtime themed custom profile that needs to be finished aand i gotta work on my one for#tsukasa4#ill be more prepared for that one im certain of it#knocking on wood#PRAYING.#t500 would have been nice you know… unfortunately i ran out of resources.#i think the amount of time and love ive poured into making everything abt this event makes up for this though. Also this is gonna sound#obnoxious but i feel like one of the five people who actually. You know. Get the event. Like its importance which ill elaborate on in a#future post. Everybody wants to talk about this event but nobody wants to read the story#and the side stories Guysss ur missing out its so good when youre not forcing urself to think tsukasa has an ed and dont even know a single#thing abt acting yet believe one google search can prove that method acting is Absolutely Totally Going To Ruin His Life#i dont think fasting was alright it was pretty stupid but what he did doesnt make him have an ed or this or that#I do think you should be very. Very careful with method acting by the way. That can mess you up. But i dont think thats where theyll be#taking tsukasa in the future. Yes itd be nice to show the risks and get a You know be careful but its not as dark and This is gonna ruin hi#😞😨My poor baby!! As people think#omg i got sidetracked LET ME TALK ABT THE BINGO???1?1? Easily distracted ass#Uhm. Where do i begin. Nvm i dont wanna write too much more but this song truly does mean the world to me#And rella’s art is so goood my eyes are always glued to it. For some reason i keep having trouble fcing the expert chart for it on ensekai#ut was just fine on jpsekai. Frowny face. I could listen to the song all day though#Those instrumentals are popping offff i tell you#hidden circus#wonderlands x showtime#wxs#wansho#commissioned song#prsk
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man.. shipping with characters from movies is so hard..
#ash rambles 💚#I'm the kind of person thats super particular about my self inserts#i need them to be lore accurate and have super fleshed out backstories. i aspire to create the characters i want to see in media#and they will always be their own characters before they are me#that being said. i have such a hard time making an s/i when there's no wiggle room#this new guy I'm crushing on.. the story is so fast paced#and he's really in love with another girl#i love him and all that. but it feels like there's no room for me. that just pisses me off! ugh!#i feel the same way about k.ili too though not to such a great extent#idk man. i just hate when this kind of thing doesnt work right#writing my inserts is my greatest passion and i truly am proud of some of my lore#I'll always care for them as characters more than as a vessel for me to kiss pretty characters and i know all my friends can agree that 90%#of what I've sent them is writing about my s/is and not my f/os LMAAAOOO#but yeah. it's so hard for me to figure out where my self insert goes in this movie#also um. i dont want to have an s/i just be a useless side character that just stands there. i know this might sound silly but#as a brown woman who didnt grow up with much representation and to this fucking day has not seen a single punjabi woman in the media i grew#up watching.. i dont want my characters to be useless#ugh sorry I'm rambling sorry for being so negative#anyhow. I'm almost done with the first movie. crush boy is so handsome!!! gamers idk how long i can keep his identity a secret#hahaha what if you were a blacksmith and i was a cute writer and... and we kissed..? haha jk..... unless..?
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writing a post to encourage myself to work on the next chapter of oe GO
#you see the problem right now is that i have time and energy and desire to work on it but i am in the honeymoon phase of a new interest#so whenever i dont think about between us for too long my brain goes [KLAXON ALARMS] HAVE YOU CONSIDERED WIN#which is very distracting for me#i really do want to work on this!!! the next chronological part#is a samdavid bonding chapter. and its a neat opportunity for me to do their dynamic#which i never have ... they have not interacted directly Too Much in oe yet#and also talk about healing magic#which i love to do i have so many thoughts#im truly very excited to make it#this is such a ridiculous problem to have lmao#cmon rowan#put the (other different) gays from your mind for twenty fucking minutes you only have so much free time#look!! you can work on that outline After you write the chapter. the chapter's gonna have UST!! and Lore!! and SAM dont you miss him#cmon rowan [sobbing]
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as happy as i am for lissie and marcus (even though I knew they were already together because I literally watched them make out with my own two eyes) it was honestly my last straw. I’m so tired of seeing everybody on my social feeds happy and in relationships when I’ve just had the worst week of my life and have basically given up on falling in love because if I can’t even drive how am I going to go to places where I’ll meet people?!?!? i have spent every Valentine’s Day alone while my friends go on elaborate dates and I’m just so so tired
not the make out sesh 😩 oh to see them with my own two eyes irl... what a pretty sight it would be
this got quite personal and hit a little too close to home so im putting a lil keep reading thing
love :(( i’m truly sorry you feel this way... but god i felt this ask so much... first of all, i'm really sorry about you having a bad week. it's completely fine to feel the way you're feeling, it must really suck, but i'm sure you'll get the license and you'll be driving shortly!! i am keeping my fingers crossed for you ❤️
i’ve always been very calm about relationships and love, very much “i’m not in a rush” and “it’ll come when it’s time”. i’ve always been a hopeless romantic but i haven’t been stressed about it – i’ve always been so busy that i haven’t really had time for love, and i've been okay with hearing about friends and their great love lives while i've spent pretty much every weekend and holiday alone at home. but… eventually, it becomes exhausting, you know? when falling in love for real just seems so far away and like something so hard to achieve in some way....
i also kind of feel you on the driving part... i decided not to get my license for a bunch of reasons, and idk how i'll get around without driving... but also as i am still living with my parents, it just seems impossible to meet someone, because where would i bring them? home to meet my snooping parents?? no way
i think we just gotta hold on to the hope that when it is the right time, it will happen. i don't believe in the whole "don't rush it" thing, i think that we're all allowed to seek and chase love if we want to, but i also think it's okay to take a step back and just breathe and be okay with the situation. unfortunately, our current day society is so formed around relationships, soft launches and hard launches and dinner date pics on insta and public proposal videos, that i feel like the pressure easily gets overwhelming. there's also something in the way that people think other people's love lives is any of their business, like friends and relatives asking me why i don't have a boyfriend, as if a partner is something i need to live my life? surely it would make it better, but i don't need to be reminded and hurt yet again over the fact that i'm alone, when i'm just trying to move on in life...
i'm trying to stay patient, open to any opportunity, and remembering that social media is merely a highlight reel and not reality. i hope you too can find peace in remembering that things will get better, we just have to work through this first. we will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. darling, if you ever need something from me, want to rant, or anything else, know that my messages and inbox are always open 💗
#ive really liked seeing drivers and their partners recently#but i think that in some way it's just like a coping mechanism to cope with the fact that im so very alone#i think it originates in the wish of being one of them even though i do feel very realistic and dont actually believe that it could happen#but i mean honestly#if we werent even the tiniest bit delusional#would we be here writing and reading the self insert fics??#like sure i dont do it just for that reason#i love writing and i love fiction no matter what kind and blah blah#but we could've all been reading random scifi or romance fics instead and yet so many people get stuck on celebs x reader#housing is really expensive in my city so not a lot of people move out early (like pretty much none of my friends have moved out)#and i just dont get how they manage to have partners and still live at home? are their parents not crazy like mine??#i am supposed to be moving out soon though but rn idk how that would change my situation#still have to deal with social anxiety and shit#this ask hurt so much#ive been hitting a pretty rough patch recently aswell and im kind of thinking that i need to break down fully to be able to build myself up#but its so goddamn scary#idk why im oversharing and ranting so much shfkdjf i apologize#i really hope you find happiness and a great love#i truly admire you for working through this despite how hard it all is#why does it all have to be so exhausting?#asks!
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I do somehow still enjoy writing and sharing fanfiction and as much as I hate posting on a*3 it really is the only place to garner a decent amount of engagement, but honestly trying to get anything beyond hits and the occasional kudo—especially as someone who specifically writes Black/nonwhite ocs—is such a goddamn nightmare and so so so deeply discouraging, I really don't know if I'm gonna be able to muster the motivation to even bother for much longer
#but then also its like#im just a poor motherfucker with a shitty job and depression and as much as i would truly love to focus exclusively on original work#i simply do not have the time or energy to devote myself to it#in the way that i would like#so like just plonking away at my silly little fics here and there when i can is often the only and best thing i can do#to keep my skills sharp and my self sane#so like what am i even supposed to do here?#at least if i just write this shit and keep it to myself i dont have to deal with the disappointment of sharing it#and getting a great big pile of nothing in return 🤷🏽😮💨#anyway.#personal#im not like. digging for compliments or whatever this has just been weighing on me for a long time now#idk if this is helping me draw any conclusions or anything but at least it feels good to get it off my chest here for a minute
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I have a lot of thoughts about ai and most of them are sad
#if there was a child named Ai and she was learning to write and draw then duh. wed let her learn from us to make her own stuff. and even if#one day she ended up getting a job i could have gotten instead of me#i wouldnt be mad. but if she kept cutting up others work and pasting it back together without creditting then thats where the line was drawn#and if there were thousands of her taking thousands of jobs and doing them shittily and putting thousands of people out of work and#*be pretty fucking mad at her especially since she didnt need the jobs herself#but thats the thing. shes still just a kid. a kid whos learning and whos not perfect yet and corporations are making her do shitty shitty#stuff that she didnt want to do#because i mean at this point ai is functionally just algorithms its not its own people. but if its ever truly Artificially Generated People.#then#.... ugh. will they be treated as people. i need to have a deep conversation with an ai at some point about this lol#but like. if ai was designed and produced exclusively by me and other small creators. and we taught her how to draw and write using our own#skill and textbooks and stuff. and she wasnt corporately controlled and abused.#and when people asked about who taught her to draw she could say My Mom Taught Me!#would yall love her?#because i want to love ai so much. i want anything truly sentient to feel loved and appreciated and i want them to do good#but i dont want to support corporations being dicks more yknow??#this isnt too eloquent and theres a fuck ton more nuance and please. please dont fuss at me. if you actually have something to add feel free#ai#corporate corruption#ibthink thats an appropriate tag#because this does tie into the How Do You Build A Pipe Bomb principal#ai discussion#i think theres a scale between Algorithm and Kindergartener and i dont know how to feel about it#cursing in tags#~ chevy
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do i think the method to get a higher education in brasil is perfect and totaly fair? absolutely not. but it could be worse, for example, it could be the usa...
#hear germany is also hell but cant confirm#like at LEAST in brasil you dont have to humiliate yourself to get to college#you dont have to ask people to write letters about you and your whole worth isnt defined by how well you did in high school#nor do you have to writte a compelling emotional and great letter about yourself either#only to end up PAYING FOR IT ANYWAYS AND ENDING UP WITH DEBT THAT WILL LAST YOUR WHOLE DAMN FUCKING LOFE#LIFE****#again. i dont think the brazilian system is fair either#our test is basically how much can you memorize and also can you survive in horrid conditions????#if yes than yeah maybe you can get in one#but at least you dont have to pay for it#and you can take this test multiple years and truly how well you did in high school does. not. matter.#which ofc is a way to remedy the fact that most poor/low income people have to go to work way before eighteen#or come from bad families or bad situations in general#so yeah idk#just thinking about this#since so many people here LOVE to say they wish it was like in the US
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I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)
(long dump in the tags and under the cut)
The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.
Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.
Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.
She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.
She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona
#I've been working the last 3 hours on her design and like just noticed HOW MUCH of myself i put into her design#especially parts of myself im self conscious of and don't like/didn't like growing up. i usually zone out esp during a character design#but i stopped and i looked at it and my first thought was “that's me. that's me on that canvas.” and for some reason felt so happy with it#ik that's probably a selfish thought to have and im nowhere near done with her design but i looked at it and loved it so deeply.#she's imperfect and ugly and flawed but that's ok because she's still beautiful in her own weird way and her friends still love her#this is the weirdest shit I've ever experienced but i honestly feel like I'm finally accepting a part of myself I've hated and shoved down#for so long because of the absolute gnawing feeling of unacceptance I've always been subjected to as “not fitting in” and something she say#is “who gives a shit what other people think about me. i have friends who love and care about me just as much as i do for them.#you dont need to be liked by everyone to be worth something. sometimes just existing is enough for the people who do love you“#the parallels of both my life and her lore are so similar they hurt on a visceral level i cant describe and it was completely unintentional#we both trust too easily whether it's out of naivety or stupidity and not learning from past mistakes and have been hurt so deeply#so many times beyond our own comprehension by the betrayal of other people to the point of shutting down every attempt at friendship#despite knowing just how much being alone aches and burns and put both physical and mental health on the line to get the approval of others#but never letting anyone get close enough to be friends out of fear of being hurt again#and having every vulnerable part of ourselves wrapped in metaphorical knives and glass to hurt anyone attempting to get to know us#but simultaneously and unknowingly hurting ourselves too with that choice. we're both aware of what we're doing but also unable to stop it#out of fear and lack of people willing to understand our pain and frustration and anger over things and it's so so frustrating#we both lash out when angry or hurt and push people that we love and love us back away out of fear that if any “ugly” is exposed to them#they'll leave because we lose our one redeemable quality of “being convenient” in a group#but simultaneously don't them trust fully out of fear. we know we're loved and love back but never fully in case its all a lie.#we both want nothing more than someone to understand and listen to what happened to us and actually stay and be friends rather than leave#like truly actually want to be friends and not just stay out of pity or sorrow over what happened#i think this is just something that comes with the autism tbh#i am she and she is me#rambling#dragon character#character writing#character building#dragon oc
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#misc#venting in the tags#my own impatience frustrates me so much honestly#like i want to do cool things like animate or write whole novels based on my original ideas or even get fanfics out for people to read#but the pace it takes in order for me to get there makes me so tempted to just give up#like i know that realistically if i wanted to animate i would need to have character charts and i would need to#have some test animation exercises in order to get the hang of the animation software and all that like theres a very logical process#but my brain doesnt want to do all that build up or go through the correct sequence of events it just wants to jump to the 'cool stuff'#and like it makes my motivation to do the things that i love so low because my brain isnt feeling the immediate gratification of#having the thing that i am making finished and ready for people to see#like i am sitting here literally just trying to finish up the amy character sheet and my brain is like 'maybe you should just give up' and#'no one cares about the character sheets or the test animation exercises'#i truly dont know how to cling onto motivation while being this impatient#i wish i wasnt impatient like this i wish i knew how to work up to big achievements instead of go for whatever is instantly gratifying#to be clear i am not giving up (yet) i am going to keep pushing through until i get to the part i really want to do#because if i dont make a soulcalibur animation then no one else will#but like jesus does doing the nongratifying parts make me feel like garbage and like im wasting my time
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