#i love struggling with my mental illness and struggling to not effect other people and have other people use theirs as an excuse to be

[chrome-barkz-aac]

i think that when people see a person with a severe mental illness being "noncompliant" (e.g., not taking meds, triggering themself, falling back on unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm, self injurious behaviors, eloping, "refusing" to speak, what have you) they see the reason behind the behavior as being difficult on purpose and automatically jump to, well this patient obviously doesn't want to get better so i should treat them accordingly.

as someone who struggles with a severe mental illness AND is "noncompliant" i promise that is not the case. evidence?

reason i have not taken my meds/gone off them:

side effects were impeding my every day life

they weren't working and i would rather not put something in my body that doesn't help

the illness i was being treated for convinced my brain that my meds were poisonous and if i took them i would become sick or die.

demand avoidance (read: the notion that i was expected to take my meds caused so much distress in my body that i would do anything NOT to take them, so i don't

reasons i have done "difficult" behaviors

i wasn't able to communicate how i was feeling other than physically expressing it with self injury

i was being abused and the stress that the abuse caused put too much pressure on my brain to react in a "healthy" way

i could not distinguish reality from unreality and the stress that that caused put too much pressure on my brain to react in a "healthy" way

the topic of group therapy put so much stress on my brain that i could not stay in group and left

the environment of group therapy was overstimulating and that put so much stress on my brain that i left

i think the reason that medical professionals see and label these behaviors as "being difficult" or "noncompliant" is because they either fail to see or refuse to consider the environment in which these things occur.

maybe they are desensitized to the pain that we experience because they see it every day, but that does not make it less real for us.

my struggles do not exist in a vacuum. and i wish people would see that.

to my brothers, sisters, and siblings with severe mental illnesses and noncompliant behaviors. i see you . i love you. i know the distress and pain you are in. i am sorry they are not listening to you. i hope your pain eases soon.

(also note, this is my experience as someone w autism, psychosis and "dissociative and cluster b traits" [whatever the shit that means tbh]. i am also white, which means i experience less discrimination in the medical field than a person of Color. )

[nagichi-boop]

Gerald’s Journal - Disability representation

I read scans of Gerald’s Journal and I have to talk about it. Not the lore or anything like that, but the disability rep. I didn’t expect to cry reading this.

Please don’t look at this post if you don’t want to be spoiled about what’s in this journal. If you do want to read it, you can find scans here. Credit to this Twitter/X thread for the images I’ll use.

I don’t have much to say about this image, but it is nice to see Maria using a mobility aid. It’s not often we get representation for an ambulatory wheelchair user.

I do wonder about Maria’s relationship with her parents. They weren’t happy with Gerald’s wish to bring her to the ARK so that he could research a cure for her, but they let her go anyways? Maybe Gerald got some sort of order to get her to go or Maria decided she wanted to go with him, but it seems a little odd to me. I’ll expand on this a little later.

Quote from right page: “[Maria] is growing into a lovely young woman. It breaks my heart that someone as bright and energetic as her is diminished by disease. There are no visible effects, and I’ve caught my fellow researchers muttering to each other, doubting her illness. It is infuriating. I find all my reason and restraint vanished when she’s slighted.”

Oh my days, I’ve never felt so seen by a piece of media and it just so happens to be my special interest video game. I am tearing up again thinking about this. Maybe that’s silly but to have a character express his frustrations about people doubting the invisible disability of his grandchild is so touching. I wish people in my life were more like Gerald. People with invisible illnesses get doubted so much because we “look fine”, but it’s so invalidating to have your struggles questioned just because the symptoms aren’t as visibly obvious.

Quote from left page: “[Maria] doesn’t know the full scope of what [Shadow] has been designed for, but she understands he will be under tremendous strain. She’s helped me conceptualize a number of accessories that will help focus his power and aid in his mobility.”

So we now have confirmation that Shadow’s air shoes and inhibitor rings are akin to mobility aids. I headcanoned this but I didn’t know they’d flat out confirm it like that. My favourite character is canonically disabled physically (and I’d argue mentally given his PTSD). I don’t have much to say about this besides being happy that my favourite character is now even more relatable.

It also makes a lot of sense for Maria to help create them because she has experience with her own disability and can offer a perspective that an able bodied person couldn’t. That and it makes Shadow’s connection so much stronger. His mobility aids were designed by Maria. He didn’t just help her with her disability - she helped with his. He wouldn’t be able to function without what she and Gerald created for him.

Quote from the right: “Back on Earth [Maria’s?] parents have been blessed with another little girl. They’re already run tech(?) and she has none of the genetic markers like to [Maria’s] condition. While this was welcomed news, the unspoken commentary was received loud and clear.”

(I am assuming they’re talking about Maria’s sister, but I guess they could also be talking about her cousin.)

So did Maria’s parents see their new daughter as a replacement? If I’m reading that correctly, it’s so sad. Do you think Gerald told Maria about her sister/cousin? If she did know about it, I bet she was excited to meet her. But I get the feeling that her parents back home didn’t really care about her anymore given what Gerald says in his journal. It hurts that much more when you consider how much Maria wanted to go home, perhaps even return to her family.

I feel like all of this makes Maria’s death more tragic for both Gerald and Shadow. For Gerald, he did so much reason and sacrificed so much in order to try and find a cure for Maria. He supported her when no one else did. And from his perspective, despite her illness and the judgement of others, including potentially her own family, she was still positive. And yet she was killed, and he only found out about her death because of a report that had her name on it (I think anyways?).

From Shadow’s perspective, she is the person who gave his name meaning. Despite most being distant and weary of her, she was immediately friendly to him and helped teach him about the world. She helped created the devices used to reduce his pain and control his powers. He quite literally carries part of him with her. She was his sole reason for existing for a long time. And despite being this super supportive, kind, loving person, she was killed. I can imagine him being mad at Gerald for messing with his memories, but I figure there’s a degree of understanding, even if he doesn’t fully agree with what Gerald did. The difference between them both is Shadow’s purpose shifted beyond Maria while Gerald’s did not. Anyways, I digress - this post is about disability rep, not Shadow lore.

I love this and Dark Beginnings for their direct and indirect disability rep. My love for Shadow and Maria has only grown and I have a deeper appreciation for Gerald. I wish more people were as understanding as he is towards people with invisible disabilities.

I don’t really have a conclusion. I just really wanted to yap about the journal entries.

[ozzgin]

OZZGIN!

May I request an idea/imagine?

It is about yandere! mental asylum patient and psychiatrist! reader, who is very practical and strict regarding her job, takes no BS from others. But, for some reason, she has a soft spot for yandere! mental asylum patient. The reason could either be he had a hard childhood in which he had to do what he had to do, which brutally killed his father, who used to abuse his mother and sister, but when the father tried to sell the sister into prostitution to buy more alcohol, all hell break lose. Psychiatrist! reader thinks what yandere! mental asylum the patient did was OKAY, and she wants to get him out of the asylum. They love each other deeply and would do anything, so far as to kill for one another. If you can, make it as twisted as you can. I live for some dark romance!

Please ignore my request if you are not able to do it. I completely understand. Thank you in advance! <3

Oh my, this request hits somewhat close to home as I have a friend incarcerated for similar reasons. I'm pondering the logistics behind this context you've provided, since murdering someone won't necessarily land you in a psych ward unless there are other symptoms that come with it. And so I've taken the liberty to expand the character's profile if that's alright. (Conveniently enough I still have my psychopathology lecture notes)

I want to add, however, that this story in no way romanticizes mental illness! If anything, one may consider it an opportunity to reflect on the fact that so many people struggling with disorders do not receive the proper care for it, or only do so when it's too late. Furthermore a medical professional should never, ever behave like this and whatever is written here should stay in the realm of fiction!

Yandere! Patient x Psychiatrist! Reader

Featuring a patient that's pushing the boundaries of your work ethic and might even succeed.

Content/warnings: female reader, detailed mentions of mental disorder, violence, obsessive behavior, breach of professional conduct

You roll up your sleeve and check your watch. He should be here soon. Out of habit, you shuffle the papers for a quick case review, even though you already know all the details by heart. You carefully set aside the patient’s MMPI and WHODAS entry assessments, then your first interviews. Your eyes briefly rest upon the resulting report you’ve comprised: Schizophreniform Disorder (Provisional) with good prognostic features; Diagnostic criteria consisting of delusions, disorganized speech (frequent derailment with episodes of incoherence, echolalia) and comorbid catatonia. Responds well to antipsychotic (clozapine 25mg/12 h) with no imminent need for dosage increase. As it currently stands, he will be fit for proper incarceration in less than 6 months. Is it something you agree with? Not quite. You’ve presented your case many times and it has always been met with pitiful shrugs and dismissals.

The door opens and you fix your posture, sweeping the documents back into your drawer. “And? How are you feeling today?” You ask, flashing a professional, cordial smile as the assisting nurse leads the patient to his seat and prepares her leave. “My chest hurts.” The man answers in a low voice, glaring at the nurse. He taps his foot against the plush carpet, seemingly restless. “How bad would you rate it? Chest pain is a somewhat common side effect of your medication.” You retort, following the movements of the woman finally excusing herself and exiting the room. Once you’re alone, the man’s shoulders droop and he visibly relaxes. “It’s not that, you know it. When can I touch you again?” He pleads, despair twisting his features. You tense up at the words. “Behave yourself. It hasn’t been that long.”

It’s not something you’re particularly proud of. In fact, you might even call it one of your great shames in life. You’ve always been a textbook professional, perhaps even too strict according to your coworkers and most patients. Not even in your wildest dreams would you have dared to imagine you’d violate the code of ethics by falling in love with your patient. But something about his situation stirred your sense of justice. Surely one cannot be punished for protecting their loved ones. The only criminal in the equation, at least in your eyes, was that joke of a father and he had it coming. So you found yourself wrestling against a blooming protectiveness and favoritism towards the young man brought here last month.

What would have normally compelled you into action had therefore been silently swept under the rug. Or even worse, you secretly indulged in it. A patient showing signs of affection towards you would instantly be transferred to a different psychiatrist. Yet you couldn’t put away the letters written by this one. Erratic, crumpled notes of “I love you” written countless times, pencil dug so deep it tore into the sheet. Bizarre illustrations that looked almost threatening. His elaborate delusions before medication was introduced, where he’d detail in grand narratives how you were fated for each other and nothing would stop him from having you sooner or later. You do not know what forces possessed you into this addictive plunge, but you’ve come to enjoy his violent, frenzied confessions. So much, that during one of the unsupervised meetings you let yourself pushed into the sofa as his hands tugged at your body in rabid need. It was so out of character that you wondered if it truly happened, though the bite marks and scratches on your neck and chest proved otherwise.

“Are they going to send me to prison?” He changes the subject and stands up, walking towards your desk. “Most likely. What you have is the result of a traumatic event, not a lifelong condition. Sporadic episodes that can be kept under control with antipsychotics aren’t enough of a reason to keep you in the hospital.” You press your legs together nervously and glance at him. “Can’t you just say it’s no longer working?” He suggests, kneeling before you and placing a hand on your thigh. “You know I can’t lie on the report.” You really don’t like it when he manipulates you like this. “Ah, yes, because lying is worse than fucking your patient.” He scoffs, annoyed. “Don’t threaten me like that”, you say as you turn towards him, but you’re stopped by the rough grip of his hand over your cheeks. “I’m not threatening you, I’m threatening everyone else. Listen, (Y/N), I’m not fucking around. I don’t mind pretending to be crazy if I have to. Will the meds still be working if I steal a shaving razor and cut the nurse open?” You try to open your mouth, but his fingers are pressed into your skin, locking your jaw into place. “I’m not going to prison. I’m not. Then I’ll never see you again and that can’t happen. You know that.”

Eventually he releases his hold, allowing you to speak. "I understand. Then there's no choice but to arrange your escape." You sigh, defeated, and he raises his eyebrows. "Won't that get you in trouble?" You chuckle at his statement. "Either way I'll be in trouble. You said it yourself. Might as well quit before I have to stand in front of the ethics board and have my license revoked." You'd prefer to keep the last ounce of pride if possible.

He sits on the floor and you notice his trembling hands. "Nervous?" You ask. "No. Just really happy. I'm not a bad person and you were the only one here to see it. But God, (Y/N), I'd kill anyone if it was for your sake. I can't wait to hold you whenever I want." He gazes at you as a smile widens on his face.

[tcoaal]

What's your take on the thought Andrew and Ashley were born sociopaths and doomed from the beginning?

is this a take people actually have??? anyways: ableist as fuck lmao

i am of the very strong opinion Ashley is absolutely neurodivergent with both autism and ASPD. admittingly the former is something i have a tendency to do and i won't necessarily die on the hill: something that really fascinated me in scenes in Chapter 3A is how Ashley just sincerely does not seem to understand social norms that should be obvious to anyone else. various scenes in her childhood, and especially with the campers while obviously not in the same level kinda resonated with experiences with not understanding social norms me and my brother struggled with growing up.

but also i admittingly hc and project this a lot on socially awkward characters so take that part with a grain of salt and it's not really a hill i'm willing to go die on or debate especially when i think ASPD and BPD are bigger issues with her. i highly doubt any of these terms will actually come up in the game and it will remain a headcanon, but the idea that anyone can be "born" evil and a sociopath or whatever is nonsense lmao. this is a fictional game so if we learn time travel black magic whatever influenced Andrew's and Ashley's births somehow (like the twins in Clock Tower) i really reject that.

the Graves siblings are fucked up and dysfunctional because they were born into an abusive household with absolutely nobody to rely on except eachother: something both parents encouraged and forced on them. while i do think both being neurodivergent had a part in it, it's pretty clear in the game, in the promotional images even that the root of their issues is a fucked up co-dependency forever sealed in stone by a super fucked up incident (and it was an accident, they did not intend to kill Nina, this is important and a lot of people overlook this wasn't an intentional murder carried out by psychopaths) and the oath taken between two children and the refusal of the parents to care or do anything about it.

if the Graves were a genuinely loving, happy family: Ashley's and Andrew's mental health situations would be better off. even if they are neurodivergent and mentally ill they would have access to proper support, medication, therapy, and perhaps most importantly the comfort of a parent's love more instead of a fucked up relationship between a brothermotherhusband and a sisterwife. i think Ashley would be struggling a lot worse, but they'd be better.

i think the fact that in 3A we see Leyley literally react in flashbacks actively disturbed that she could just so casually admit to something so terrible. Leyley was actively disturbed and distressed about the fact she could so casually admit to killing someone and not care about it. she tries to confide in Andy but he falls asleep and that to me, more than anything, is the moment that sets everything about the woman she would become into stone. i genuinely think if Renee or even Andy (even though that was not his responsibility) made a genuine attempt to reach out in that moment and improve things (although if it was only the other Actual Child trying to help it probably wouldn't have been enough)

everything in TCOAAL is pretty explicit the root of the sibling's problems is based in a toxic codependence, not that they were evil from birth or some shit like that. i can handwave it if magic or prophecy is involved but if not i fucking hate this take in all media so much it's unreal

EDIT: i'd like to get more of my points clarified, actually

Nemlei's own view of the game is very clear she approaches this from a place of the effect of abuse of the environment has on a child. things like Ashley being autistic and aspd are headcanons of mine: but Nemlei herself would disagree with me saying that's how i should view it and that be the end-all. she is explicit this is a case of cause and effect of in-universe events, not any result of being born a certain way. this is a critical component of Nemlei's writing, given the lore of how the color of one's soul works and how one views themself. this is one of the most critical core components of the lore.

Ashley and Andrew weren't born fucked up. they were fucked up because of the environment that nurtured them. i will die on this hill, and it is the hill that Nemlei seems to view for her fiction. this is like, one of the more important takes to the themes of the story. i'm usually someone that views word of god as secondary to what is presented in the text, but this is a really important piece of information in this story.

Nemlei's narrative isn't about the idea the two were born evil or anything, it's that the awful people they became was shaped by the environment around them. i think that's important.

[juicedaloe]

Mithrun and brain damage

I'm not sure if anyone is interested in this, but I wanted to make a post talking about why I think that Mithrun has brain damage from a traumatic brain injury instead of him being a representation of other neurological disorders or mental illness. I'm not that involved in the dunmesh fandom so I don't know how common this headcanon is, though I've seen a few people mention it here and there.

This is just my own opinion so if you disagree then that's fine. Some of this is just speculation and I can't say what Kui's intentions were. This post isn't meant to be that serious. I just wanted to talk about it and hopefully inform about how brain damage can affect some people in a way that I hope is interesting and relevant.

This will be kind of long because I like to talk so it will be under the cut. Apologies for the length and how much I ramble. Feel free to give input especially if I got anything wrong or if this is too confusing.

Okay let's go

Traumatic brain injury (TBI) is incredibly complex. The long-term effects of a TBI include a wide array of symptoms. Each injury is different, and some people can completely recover rather quickly while others can become permanently disabled, even for seemingly "minor" injuries. What I'll cover here isn't a definitive representation of the experiences of all those who have long-term effects from TBI, nor do I speak for everyone with brain damage.

Here are some long term symptoms relevant to this post:

Alexithymia (inability to process and name emotions)

Inability to process and name physical perceptions

Mood swings and emotional regulation difficulties

Communication difficulties

Social impairment

Apathy about caring for oneself

Lack of motivation

Alexithymia and inability to process physical perceptions

This one is rather obvious. While Mithrun is shown to feel emotions and have physical sensations (for instance, describing his location when he gets lost in the dungeon as "a cold place"), he is also apathetic to how this affects him. This means that his physical and emotional perceptions are reduced in some way. He says that becoming lord of the dungeon will leave someone "empty", showing he is aware of his dulled emotional state.

A good example of this is can be seen here in a bonus comic where he doesn't give much of a reaction to burning his mouth on hot food.

(I love these two a lot, by the way. Pattadol is really under appreciated.)

He is also not able to recognize bodily signals, such as hunger or when he is tired. Despite collapsing from exhaustion and not eating for long periods of time, he still insists he is not tired or hungry.

Mood swings

Mood swings in combination with alexithymia can be an especially disorientating experience. Those who struggle to perceive their own emotions can still feel them even if they don't know how to recognize it.

Individuals with brain injuries often experience drastic mood swings, particularly anger. To those around them, they can appear to go from 0 to 100 in an instant.

This is more speculation/headcanon on my part, as the strongest emotion Mithrun has for most of his appearances is anger. However one could interpret this as being unrelated as he is seeking revenge for a traumatic experience.

Communication difficulties and social impairment

Not only can naming personal experiences be incredibly difficult with a brain injury, but other areas of communication are often affected as well.

Mithrun is not able to set boundaries for himself even if someone is doing something he would not actually want them to do, which can leave him in a vulnerable position.

People with brain injuries can sometimes have a paradoxical experience when it comes to communicating with others. They can go from being very quiet to speaking at length about one topic, seemingly without regard for the importance of each bit of information. (I see it like Newton's first law of motion. It is hard to start speaking and it can be just as hard to stop.)

I really like this aspect of Mithrun's characterization. Usually, he is very quiet because he has no reason to speak. However, once he starts talking he is shown to be overly specific and goes on for long periods of time. Kabru has to spend multiple days figuring out his story.

In a side comic, Kabru tells Mithrun he should condense some of the personal details that Kabru finds irrelevant to the topic of the dungeon.

Mithrun shares many details about himself because his desire not to do so is gone. This mirrors the experience of many people who have brain damage to overshare and not understand how their words will come across to others. Sometimes they say or do things that are insensitive or inappropriate for the situation.

Caring for oneself and motivation

In the dungeon, Mithrun becomes reliant on others for self care. He also seems especially incapable of motivating himself to take care of his body when he is particularly focused on his goals.

In these panels, thus far he had been fairly receptive of Kabru trying to take care of him. However, he could sense that the demon was close and was too focused on that to care to eat.

Refusal of care and treatment is often an effect of traumatic brain injury. This can be for seemingly no reason, even if the person knows that this will help them. Sometimes people will lie about receiving treatment or doing things to take care of themselves, either so they can avoid it or avoid having someone take care of them.

He knows that eating regularly and not pushing himself too much will help him - he's been told multiple times on-screen - but he still has to be continuously told by others to give him that motivation to take care of himself. He's very apathetic to his physical state, even if it seems his only desire is for revenge and he should be doing anything he can to achieve that.

Other things of note

I wasn't sure where to put this, but while Mithrun's sense of direction is speculated by Kabru to be left over from his time as lord of an ever-changing, confusing dungeon, having poor sense of direction in the way he does could also be indicative of brain injury as well.

While the dungeon is confusing and illogical, he is known to have a poor sense of direction and to get frequently lost by those around him, even trying to exit an entrance he just came through. He is shown to be very intelligent, but memory is greatly impacted by brain injuries which affects a person's sense of direction and location.

Something that really stands out to me about Mithrun is how much the things that help him are particularly helpful to those with brain damage. He is physically capable of performing tasks, but he needs an outside source to remind him and get him started. He relies entirely on routine, and when that regularity is taken away he shows extreme difficulty taking care of himself.

Sometimes, the care that some people need is simply someone else to encourage them or to tell them when to do things. The care that he needs is pretty consistent with a person with a brain injury who does not need a full time caretaker and would prefer to have some independence.

Also, healing magic is specified to not work with brain injury unless the person is killed and revived. Mithrun had not been revived after his injuries, so it is entirely possible for him to have sustained a TBI. I don't think this matters that much because one is still allowed to have headcanons even if there is a magical explanation or isn't really possible in canon, but I thought it was an interesting detail.

In conclusion

Because of all this I don't believe that his lack of self care is due solely to mental illness. While mental illnesses like depression or PTSD can cause a decline in self care, the reasons why the affected individual is avoidant of these tasks differs. These disorders can also cause cognitive difficulties and emotional regulation issues, but not to the same extent or in the same way that brain damage would. I think that he does have both depression and PTSD (both are common after a TBI) but those are not his only disabilities.

And on a personal note, I just think that having a character with brain damage is really cool. Most of the time I've seen it the characters are not given very much respect and they are treated as comic relief and a joke. Regardless of whether you agree with this post or not, it is still nice to see a character with a disability like this.

Thank you if you read all of this. I hope it was easy to understand and I did not ramble too much. I don't have anything else to say but I've been wanting to write this out for a while.

Okay bye

[retiredteabag]

Can I please request smau/fic about jjk men noticing reader hasn't been eating. I know not a lot like to wrote about ED as it can be triggering for others. But for someone who suffers from ED as well, I find this very comforting, for people to be aware of what we go through internally, looking good vs starving to death, lack of confidence and self-esteem, always an option, plan B or second best, losing control in everything else so you cpnyrol the one thing you can, which is your eating. Sorry, got a bit carried away there but I would totally understand if youre not comfy with this topic. Thanks in advance!

I realize now that I probably ought to make a “rules” tab in my dashboard but this anon was very respectful so I’ll say this here.

I will be making a smau about the characters noticing you not taking care of yourself, however:

it is important to not romanticize the idea of people taking part in noticable mental illness. It is imperative that people learn self love, not because others love us, but because we are created special and unique. You will not feel the need to seek love, affection, and attention from others once you are able to fully love and appreciate yourself.

Sometimes it’s easy to fall into the idea that we are “comforting” ourselves by seeking out media that aligns with our internal struggles when, in reality, what is best for us, is to work on our own mentality.

Self triggering, or rather, the action of avoiding contrast effects, is not good for you, nor is it a form of healing. I highly recommend researching this topic in Benjamin W. Bellet, Payton J. Jones, and Richard J. McNallys study, “Self-Triggering? An Exploration of Individuals Who Seek Reminders of Trauma” from Harvard University’s Department of Phycology, a doctoral dissertation.

If we make the active effort to not seek out toxic/competitive/dark media, we can make huge strides in helping ourselves. I say this as someone who has struggled with disordered eating in the past, has lost a loved one due to an ED, and at one point thought they were impossible to overcome.

Learn to take care of yourself as though you were taking care of someone else. I can confidently say now, it is completely possible to prevail through these circumstances: only, we must first actually desire this end.

Having said all of this. The day after tomorrow the smau will come out as “you’re not taking care of yourself”.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

i am not very much in the fandom so i was wondering what the consensus was on this. how do you (and just everyone in general who sees this) feel about killer's 'multiple personalities' i really love killer and i think he's great however i feel like that part of his character is a bit of a bad stereotype of DID (the evil alter, good alter trope). let me say this: i dont think killer's creator did it with malicious intent. im just confused on that part of his character because it's kind of vague. could you possibly explain your thoughts on it a bit more?

Well, im not a professional or expert on anything, but I’ll try to give it a go. Anyone can feel free to correct me if im misinformed and misspoke, or if yall simply disagree.

In terms of in universe, the general consensus, as I see it anyway, is that Killer is not human. Not even exactly like his soul isn’t human or monster, but that his body’s species is also not human.

Which means things like disorders and mental illnesses we have not only in real life, but as humans, does not apply to Killer.

There may be similarities, but they likely wouldn’t be one for one. Another consensus in universe is that, Killer is not said to be diagnosed with anything—he’s just living with and experiencing symptoms of similar possible disorders IRL.

He does not know what exactly is happening to him, he tries to make sense of and explain his experiences to the best of his knowledge and abilities in his own terms and languages.

And due to his own self perceptions, abuse, trauma and self hatred—he often dehumanizes and demonizes himself to others, especially himself when he’s in his other higher Stages.

It’s also long been established that Killer is canonically a character who struggles with a lot of suicidal ideation—not only has he attempted on his own, but when in Stage 1, he has been shown at least twice asking people to kill him (Swap and Color), which reads to me that he is seeking out assisted suicide. Not to mention how he has stated in Stage 1 that he has “accepted death a long time ago.”

Now, a bit more out of universe, I think Rahafwabas was not only really young at the time, but she did not know much English yet. If i recall correctly, she had other people translating her comics from Arabic to English for her.

Which means that not only could information had been lost in translation or mistranslated, it’s possible her language either didn’t have the means and words to explain what she was going for with Killer, or the English language didn’t or meant something else entirely.

In terms of actual disorders or similar irl, or if Killer had physically been a human with a brain, general consensus is that Killer would definitely be diagnosed with a dissociative disorder of some kind. In my opinion, I don’t think a professional would diagnose Killer with DID or P-DID.

I think he’d be diagnosed with either UDD (Unspecified Dissociative Disorder), or OSDD (identity disturbance due to prolonged intense coercive persuasion).

This can also be caused by captivity, thought reform, brainwashing, torture, programming, recruitment by cults/sects/terror organizations, being a POW, etc. This presentation of OSDD is also called OSDD-2.

These guys are not systems, however. There’s not actually much literature or research into this presentation of OSDD or how it effects a person from their experiences and perspectives—only brief descriptions.

Especially from those with OSDD-2 who were programmed, which is an inherently very complex topic even if OSDD-2 is not a complex dissociative disorder.

Now, an argument was made to me by a system recently for why Killer could be a system as well as have symptoms of OSDD-2, but I still believe Killer would not receive a diagnosis of DID, PDID, or OSDD1/1a/1b. Even if he does show and experience symptoms similar to them.

That being said, however, it cannot be denied that Killer already has canonically experienced the type of things listed in OSDD-2.

Intense prolonged coercion, coercion based dissociation, programming (literal reprogramming of his code in the game), torture, captivity, kidnapped/being held hostage, and labor trafficking.

He also shows signs of severe dissociative identity confusion and disturbance—not only does he seem to think he is not Sans anymore, just something that is wearing Sans’ face because Sans “would never kill Papyrus,” and that he said he “wants to be Sans again” in Stage 1 as if he isn’t already or still Sans, but rahafwabas has stated that his soul being like that is one of the reasons why his mind “split.”

It’s a war between two souls, Sans’ and the human Determination soul, but the Determination soul is stronger—even if Sans’ soul often ‘peeks’ out (via that white eyelight in Killer’s right eye socket, which is described as a sign of “the real Sans we know”) or forces itself/is triggered out.

And now he doesn’t know how he should behave, human or monster. He is basically programmed and likely conditioned to behave and think a certain way when in or triggered into a certain Stage—which means dissociation is always present on some level.

However, on the case of Killer being a system or experiencing himself as plural—as more than one in one body—even if not DID, PDID, or OSDD-1 I do think there’s a way to write and portray it without falling into an evil alter trope.

First would be to write other system or plural characters. Have a diverse range of different systems and plurals and don’t leave Killer as the only one.

Second is, understand Killer’s environment and situation.

(Putting a read more here because the rest can potentially be a little too much or potentially triggering.)

Understand it really is a form of extreme, organized abuse. That he is in a high control group.

That he is being trafficked by Nightmare. That he is being tortured, programmed, and conditioned. That he has to survive—and he and his potential headmates simply will not survive if they try to be good people.

Hell, they may even view themselves as only existing to do awful things and being incapable of anything else (or not knowing there is anything else, and that it’s something they could have or be)—kill and hurt when no one else can, kill and hurt on command, kill and hurt without guilt or remorse that would otherwise leave Killer unable to function and likely dead a long time ago.

(Abusers may even actively make the victim(s) believe and think that way, or they may heavily encourage it by either giving alters their names or forcibly renaming a singlet, giving them numbered names or simply calling them by their ‘role.’ Like..Killer, for example. Or even more degrading, insulting names they make their victims respond to and identify with.)

For them to live, to survive, others can’t—because being trafficked, kidnapped, in organized crime, in a high control group, means having to witness and do highly illegal and immoral things if they want to live or not be tortured themselves.

This is also where the manipulation stuff comes in. Abusers, handlers, traffickers—they want the victim to not speak out, they want them to not leave or think about leaving. They’ll do anything to ensure that.

From coercing or threatening a victim to do bad things or participate in bad things with the abusers, the abusers can then begin holding that over them.

Claiming the victim isn’t any better than them to ensure guilt and silence, saying they’ll be arrested or everyone would hate them for what they did to ensure fear of outsiders and dependency on the group, claiming that they know the victim must’ve liked it—that the victim is just like their abuser, or will be.

And that can cause feelings ranging from shame and feeling like they deserve what’s done to them and they don’t deserve help, to internalizing all of that and attempting to behave and think exactly how the abuser does. Either because they start genuinely believing they’re as bad if not worse, or because it’s a survival and/or coping mechanism.

Not to mention that those in these environments will likely eventually become desensitized to the violence they’re forced to perpetuate and/or witness, they could even try to force themselves to like it in an attempt to either make it easier or feel powerful and in control.

Other alters may be programmed or simply indoctrinated in cases of cults or types of belief systems and ideologies being implemented in abuse—they may genuinely believe that the ones hurting them are godlike, or that they can communicate with a higher power, or that a higher power will punish them if they try to leave. Especially if they’re children, or if they have no access to anything or anyone saying otherwise.

Some alters may believe this type of stuff is completely normal and okay, particularly when raised in it. It can be so severe that these types of alters could embrace the idea of their death at their abusers’ hands easily, without fear or struggle, because it’s normal to them.

This all can happen to a singlet in similar situations too. Singlets can start to genuinely believe they were born, created, or only exist to do certain things or for certain purposes—from a sex slave to a killer to a weapon, especially if they’re being trafficked.

It’s just a fact that many who experienced things that Killer did/does and managed to not only survive, but escape, likely did it in bloody and/or underhanded ways.

There was no good or bad, no moral or immoral, just what had to be done — traffickers and abusers and handlers will never just let their victims go, regardless of if they ask really nicely or not. It’s life or death. They chose life.

Or in Killer’s case (has likely died multiple times, juts can never seem to stay dead), potentially something one of his Stages (such as Stage 4) believes is worse than death. It could genuinely believe that if it doesn’t do what it does, something unbelievably horrible is going to happen. Something that would make it wish it were dead.

[girlcowboy1]

I think gen z ultimately lost the war against mental illness when they decided to adapt the older generations rhetoric of "mentally ill ppl who have noticeable symptoms are bad and evil and must be avoided at all costs, they deserve to be alone and die alone" which... most people are not saying that outright, but that IS what they're saying, whether they realize it or not, when they choose to discuss these issues based on personal concepts of morality and punishment instead of approaching it with a mix of empathy and an understanding of science, and how the brain operates.

"Having a mental illness isn't an excuse" is true to a certain extent, but I think a lot of people don't understand that to an extent, it also IS an excuse. The only reason people like to believe that it isn't in any capacity is because mental illness is an invisible disability, and if there's one thing that people love to dismiss the impact of, it's invisible disabilities. Because we can't see what's going on beneath the surface, we struggle to understand the issue, we struggle to empathize with the affected person, whom we may prefer to instead write off as being lazy or malicious, when in reality they are in pain and/or are missing an important tool that helps them function the way they'd like to.

Before getting on medication, I felt and (still sometimes feel) as though I existed behind an invisible glass that separated me from everyone else. I could not understand the point of a lot of mundane things, I couldn't relate to those around me, I felt like my existence was a mistake that should have never happened and the universe was attempting to expunge me by making my life so hard I would kill myself.

And then I got on medication, and suddenly I was able to see things that I had never seen before but had existed in front of me the whole time. I was able to be kinder to people, to be more patient, to talk myself out of bad thoughts I would previously ruminate about for days and weeks. I was able to communicate more coherently, to express my feelings in a way I couldn't before. I wanted to do things again. I wanted to dress up, look nice. I wanted to BE nice.

Of course, these are all still things I struggle with. Like with most tools for disability, medication is helpful in giving me the ability to function in a way that makes life more enjoyable— but it doesn't completely cure the issue. The point is. I tried so hard, time and time again, to change on my own. I tried taking supplements, I tried mindfulness, I tried changing the way I eat, I tried self-help videos/books. But I was a deeply depressed, deeply agitated person whose brain was not wired the way it should have been. So none of what I tried would stick. I would act out in ways I KNEW was wrong, but when you get into a certain state of mind, it's difficult to speak to yourself, to talk yourself down from doing or saying things you know you probably shouldn't. Especially when you feel so isolated from others, and struggle to see the point in anything.

It was only after medication that I made long-term improvements. It was only after my brain chemistry was physically altered in a positive way that my brain could begin to function better, and that my outward behavior improved.

How the anatomy of the brain effects a person is a crucial part of mental health that gets left out of relating discussions too often, I think, and its where I believe gen z unfortunately tends to overlap with gen x and boomers. The brain is an organ like any other, and if it is damaged, or sick, or lacking somewhere in its anatomy.... it will not function properly. The person whose body it inhabits will not function properly.

[pressplay-if]

This new chapter is so real. It made me remember many things i’ve forgotten from my hospital/treatment days. Not in a bad way but hitting quite close to home. One thing I remembered was how our doctors and counselors viewed friendships/relationships between patients. Communicating outside was pretty frowned upon and being in a relationship with another patient would get out kicked out at the very least. Anyway, the part that really hit was the phone call. The effect that continuing these relationships can have when both parties are in different places in their journey. It’s tough because you bond over something heavy something you might hide from others in your life. Something that is a big part of you, something that you struggle with. In a way it’s like you can be your true self. Without having to put up the facade to keep those around from being uncomfortable. It gives the friendship a sort of depth. But we all progress and heal at different rates. It’s not a one size fits all situation when in comes to treatment. I have been in both positions. Being the person stuck while others come and go. Then later having to move on needing to do what is best for me. It’s difficult for both. But hearing about relapses or certain thoughts from a friend. When you have finally found some stability or are close to falling back into old habits. It can be so triggering. Which makes you have to decide. Do I stick with this person who I connected with at my lowest point? When I am so easily reminded of things i’ve barely just moved on from. Or do I let go and focus on the future? It sucks either way. But it does explain why the doctors say what they say about patient relationships. Though I know it’s not like that for every situation. Anyway, sorry for so many words! I probably have more to say but imma chill out. Just wanna say WOW! Loving the story, it’s relatable(maybe I shouldn’t be too proud of that idk) and thought-provoking. Really got me thinking about things which I don’t normally do. And it ain’t actually that bad. Hope my words made sense. Great work👍🌈😃

So this was the first ask about the second chapter that I got and can I just say thank you?? 🙏

I was so nervous and reading this so soon after it came out was so immensely relieving to me. Back where I was, patient relationships didn't get you kicked out, but we did have a couple and everyone kinda knew they were together but refrained from addressing it bc we all just agreed it'd make things way too messy if we did. Even though, literally, everyone knew. Very much an Anthony/Abigail situation haha.

And yes, your words made a lot of sense to me and they're really appreciated. I, too, have been in both positions--- I think it might be a natural part of a lot of people in that "recovering from mental illness" cycle, even if it's a really unpleasant one. You create this bond over sth so horrible, and you understand each other, for as long as you're both suffering. Then when you start to move away from that, life gets easier but the friendship gets complicated. That's my experience, at any rate. I'm really glad to have hit close to home with this bc that's really what I was intending.

[acourtofwhatthefuck]

Someone Different, Someone New — Cassian X Reader.

✧: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

Hi! This is an impromptu piece that is by no means my best writing — I just wanted to exercise my brain a bit. I haven’t added a tag list on this one because I need to go through and sort them out/update them, so sorry about that!

Warning: this piece does depict struggles of mental illness/trauma/panic, so if that’s something that could negatively effect you, please, please give this one a miss. This is based off my own experience of mental illness/trauma/panic, and the last thing I want is to trigger some unpleasant things because of my writing, so please take care. All the love. 💕

✧: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

“You doing okay?”

Rhysand’s arm pressed against yours as he took up the space beside you. Just as you were, he leaned back against the balcony railing, wine glass in hand. The cold temperature had driven the evening’s guests inside, but the bite of the chill…you needed it. Even as it started to hurt.

But you slapped a pleasant smile on your face that offered no glimpse of pain. “I’m okay.”

There was no need to put a front on for Rhys. He was the only one who could get it — it was he you’d been trapped Under the Mountain with, after all. He who had known who you’d been before, during and after. He’d seen everything, and he saw you now.

Saw the way your gaze stared intensely through the open glass doors and fastened on Cassian.

“Have you spoken to him?” Rhys asked.

Barely. You’d only been back three months, and the majority of it had been spent on your own. Fifty years trapped with people made company feely oily and itchy. And the person you’d become didn’t exactly make for good company, either. Not now that you were someone who was short-tempered, or brusque, or downright miserable. Being alone meant not having to subject anyone to that. It was a wonder Rhysand had convinced you to come tonight at all.

And there was another underlying reason for not wanting to face Cassian. You didn’t know each other anymore.

There might have been the potential for romance between you…a very long time ago. But fifty years apart had wiped that clean. You were no longer the person who had gone under that mountain. You were no longer the person he might have grown to love. He had known someone of vibrancy, of light and laughter.

You couldn’t bear to face him as you were, now. And he seemed to be doing just fine.

“No.” You answered Rhys, draining your glass.

Your High Lord studied you. “Why not?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say. And neither would he. It would be uncomfortable for him.”

“This is Cassian we’re talking about. He’ll just want to know that you’re alright.”

You most certainly were not alright.

You weren’t alright with enclosed spaces. You couldn’t even stand the feeling of your clothes touching your skin for too long. Loud noises had you flinching and laughter sounded too close to screams. Sometimes, you could swear your bathwater was blood, coating you, staining you, reminding you of what you’d had to do to survive. There was an ever-present tightness in your chest that always teetered on the edge of becoming something terrible.

You may have escaped the mountain, but you didn’t think you’d truly gulped down the fresh air.

And though you’d spent fifty years longing to get out from that prison, you honestly didn’t know how to be outside of it. Who to be outside of it.

You felt yourself jolt as you watched Cassian bellow a deep laugh. The female he was talking to grinned broadly, proud of whatever she’d said to garner such a reaction. Cass looked…content. Happy. He had moved on with his life, just as he’d deserved to.

You weren’t sure you could stomach watching it play out in front of you, though.

“I think he’s waiting for you to make the first move, Y/N.” Rhys’s hand landed on your arm, and your entire body went rigid. “He wants you to have the control.”

You swallowed. “I don’t think he thinks about me at all. Nor would I expect him to. He doesn’t know me anymore. I am not the person he once cared for.”

“I think you’re more of that same person than you realise.”

He was wrong. You shook your head. “No. I’m…someone different, Rhys. Someone new.”

“And you think Cassian would judge you for that? Really?”

Your gaze cut sharply to his violet one. “I think you have an over-exaggerated idea of how significant I am in his life.”

He stared back at you, pain marring his features. And this was precisely why you didn’t want to be around people anymore. You were just…rough. Jagged. Rude and cold.

“I’m sorry.” Your eyes shuttered. You pushed your glass into Rhys’s hand. “Sorry, Rhys, I just…need some time.”

He didn’t protest as you pulled away from him, wandering back inside and weaving your way through the bodies that had gathered for the party celebrating their High Lord’s return to Velaris. You didn’t even know where you planned to go. All you were aware of was that tightness in your chest worsening. Constricting. You rubbed at your chest, forcing yourself to swallow down air.

Your legs carried you aimlessly as you climbed stairs and burst through a door. A bathing chamber. You collapsed against the door, a clammy, prickling sensation spreading over your skin as you fought to just breathe. Your ears were ringing, pounding, a pressure seeming to bind your body and hold it taut. You weren’t sure you could survive this. Weren’t sure how to not be…this.

You weren’t aware of how long it lasted. Time felt both fast and slow around you as you bowed over the sink, fingers digging into the porcelain. The music and chatter of the party sounded so, so far away, you could be forgiven for thinking you’d left the building. But you knew you hadn’t. You were still here. You. Were. Still. Here.

You didn’t know when your trembling hands had turned the tap on and darted under the ice-cold water, but the sensation was soothing, grounding. You focused on watching it flow, dripping from your fingertips and splashing into the sink. You cupped your palms and gathered a small pool and splashed it against your face.

Slowly, your breaths began to even out. Slowly, your body began to steady. The sounds from downstairs became clearer, sounded closer, and the sensations that had gripped you subsided, making way for a wave of lethargy.

You just wanted to sleep.

You dried your face, your hands, straightening yourself out and hoping you were steady enough to make it out of there. Hopefully you could get away without running into anyone. The last thing you needed right now was mindless conversation.

You pulled the door open — and stopped short at the figure that waited just outside.

Cassian pushed off the wall. He unfolded his arms, studying you. And whatever he saw when he looked at you…you knew it couldn’t be good.

“Hey…” He said softly, daring a step closer. “Can we talk?”

[susansontag]

I read recently (this is all already public btw but I won’t use any info that could be identifying) about a woman with contamination ocd (but her contamination was sort of abstract, in practice she was washing a lot etc but things felt ‘contaminated’ by distrust, broken promises etc), and she was effectively confined to two safe spaces: the driver seat of her car and her room. she lived with her boyfriend of a few years. obviously her life was very reduced, she felt so immobilised that she couldn’t even really shower or eat food other people had prepared and struggled to do laundry etc. she was depressed.

on christmas day her boyfriend played a ‘prank’ on her, giving her a few presents. they were rubbish that he’d fished out of their bin and wrapped in christmas paper (it’s like a horror story…). she said this triggered her immensely, she felt scared and confused and a huge lack of trust had entered the relationship. he’d also moved things around in their (her? idk) room in a way she had no control over, so she felt the bedroom was no longer safe and she started living out of her car.

she wrote that she knew her ocd made her irrational, her boyfriend had probably just been trying to use tough love to ‘snap her out of it’, and she wasn’t sure she had a right to feel as bad about it as she did. she revealed he had done things like this often, deliberately dirtying things and presenting her with things that felt unsafe, despite her being at the time severely ill. I was interested in how other people would respond to this situation, because while ocd is a disorder, there are qualified professionals who help treat people in this sort of reduced state, and it’s a crisis situation that cannot be ‘fixed’ by someone’s partner praying a cruel ‘prank’, however irrational and ‘crazy’ the person’s behaviour may seem to them. for her it felt like a life or death situation, but she thought maybe she could be in the wrong (she had chosen to break up with him once he’d played this prank and ‘contaminated’ the bedroom (I remind you here that feelings of distrust and lack of safety in relationships were directly linked to her feeling that things were dirtied)).

they told her to call a women’s refuge where she could live for a while, so she could not sleep in her car, and that it sounded like her boyfriend had been abusing her for months when she was having a mental health crisis. I was relieved when others reacted to this situation with the amount of horror I was feeling! it made me wonder about how vulnerable women with mental illnesses like ocd can be to this form of intimate partner abuse, because they understandably view their reactions as heightened, irrational, and therefore suspect they must be in the wrong for feeling afraid. no partner that loves someone would ever try and ‘help’ them like that, period…

I will try and turn reblogs off for this btw, but if it doesn’t work please don’t share it. I have not shared anything this person did not share herself publicly, but I still feel a bit mm even about posting it here, I’ll probably delete it later. I wish I could post something only for my mutuals or followers. but I’ve been thinking about this the past few days, what a nightmare story that I’d never even considered before…

[cbusch]

TW: Mentions/discussion of mental health and depression.

While I don’t think that Thunderbolts* is the best film since Endgame, since those are big shoes to fill, this was one of the stronger showings that I’ve seen from Marvel in a long time (minus the treatment of Taskmaster, wish they made her part bigger). All of the characters blended perfectly together. We see how they’re interactions from enemies (under the manipulation of Valentina Allegra de Fontaine) to ultimately becoming a team, alongside Alexi and Bucky (who is a congressman now in this film. I will explain my thoughts about my feeling on this later in the review).

The chemistry between Florence, Wyatt, David, Lewis, Hannah, Julia Louis, and Sebastian felt natural. The quick quips and references didn’t feel shoved down our throats as it pertained to the moat recent film that Marvel had unleashed. (Spoilers for Captain America: Brave New World will be referenced in the beginning of this film, so if you haven’t see the clips or the film, I recommend seeing that before seeing this film). The raw emotion that came from Yelena was genuine. You can feel the heartbreak, loneliness, and darkness fill her to the brim. It breaks your heart that after losing her sister, she feels she has no one and it’s gut wrenching to hear how she copes with that.

The themes of mental illness/depression and guilt are center-stage in this movie. With Bob/Sentry, there are moments when he loses his sanity and it becomes one of the more shocking elements to the movie as he is presented as a pure, innocent person who was taken advantage of by Valentina. This is one of the points that Calo and Pearson wanted to make was that innocent, good people who may struggle with there own battles are more susceptible to deception and the grief of their struggles/depression can take over you if you bottle it up. However, if you bottle those emotions up, it’s bound to overtake you eventually and put you in this void that you can’t escape unless you confront it head on. It’s heartbreaking but true in our society. Yelena gets expansion of her time in the Red Room which was brutal to see as we saw all of the things she had to witness/do during those days. From being forced to killing one of her friends to witnessing her “friends” getting whipped because they couldn’t put their gun together fast enough left a queasy feeling in my stomach, but that was the effect that Schreier wanted to create. In the climax, when Yelena enters that void to save Bob, she has to relive those moments. This time, though she protects her younger self from having to witness those things. Desperately trying to not run away from the past, we see her protecting her younger self from this. It’s something that anyone, including me can relate to and it broke my heart to see Yelena in this state. However, her journey from not believing of having purpose to gaining a family among Bob, Bucky, Ava, and Alexei (her dad during her time in the red room), ultimately becoming the New Avengers. Yelena and Bucky were my favorite characters, along with Alexei and Bob in this film. They have a great mixture of vulnerability, humor, and humanity to them that most movies nowadays don’t seem to execute well. There’s always one or another but never together and the way that each character was written fit them perfectly to a tee. (Though, okay minor spoiler, John Walker ends up alone with Olivia leaving him with their son). This caught me off guard because I personally loved Olivia because along with Lamar, she was the only other person that he had left that kept him grounded. By removing him, he went off the deep end and he became an asshole throughout the movie. Though he does become less of that bitter asshole throughout the movie, which is nice to see I’m still on the fence about this character. However, I can understand how this decision of removing Olivia and his son in his life ties into his deteriorating mental health, still would’ve been nice to see how this came to fruition since they seemed to be a united front in The Falcon and The Winter Soldier series. The ending is where it gets really heavy as we see Bob fighting the void slowly becoming his depression/demons until Yelena and the Thunderbolts comfort him to let him know that they have him and that they’ll never be alone again.

One of the things I loved about this movie is there are no gimmicks in the action scenes, no over the top spectacles, just pure action sequences and moments that left me stunned and raw with anticipation. When Bob becomes Sentry/Void take over him, I genuinely was terrified for the Thunderbolts* crew and how they were going to stop this darkness from overtaking New York City. The stakes feel realistic in this film compared to other films I’ve watched (e.g. Snow White and Kraven the Hunter). The score and color palette sets the mood of despair and desperation, seeing the people fleeing for their lives, only to be sucked into that void by Sentry. Also, the scene where Bucky is riding his motorcycle trying to get Ava, Yelena, John, and Alexei (despite not having anything to do with Valentina) in an attempt to indict her. It’s so badass and Alexei celebrating his triumphant return which he believes as the Winter Soldier is icing on the cake (minus him calling him the Winter Soldier). Still, Alexei was the perfect mixture of humor and support that the film needed to balance out the film between comedic and comfort that Yelena needed in that moment.

Some things that didn’t make sense to me was some of the characters’ involvement with Valentina (who should’ve been indicted! God I want to hate her but god was she so full of life and Dreyfus’s really soaked up the role of Valentina). I mean, I understand Yelena and John’s involvement with Valentina, however I still was perplexed on how Ava and Antonia/Taskmaster were involved with her. Other than the factor that Ava used to do contract kills (stated in Ant-man and the Wasp, they never go into detail about who she worked for). I wish there was a moment where they could clarify this. I also think that they could’ve utilized Taskmaster better. Because after being free from her father’s mind control, I’d imagine the last thing she’d want to do is more killings. I wanted to see her character developed over time and not killed off in the first thirty minutes of the film (Sorry spoiler, but the trailer kind of gave that away tho). There was so much that she could’ve unpacked since her last appearance in Black Widow and how the development of Yelena and her relationship grew into bonding over there time in the Red Room would’ve been something I would be down for. However, Yelena defending her after Ava and John speak negatively of her speaks volumes to the horrors she endured and didn’t want anyone to speak down on the actions she couldn’t choose for herself.

Another aspect of the film that felt out of left field was Bucky becoming a congressman. Sure, it was mentioned in Captain America: Brave New World but briefly. As much as it seemed like a great move for the character, it was completely underdeveloped. I wanted more exploration from his slow rise to power and wish there could’ve more clarification on how he became congressman and what measures he put in, as well as his involvement with Valentina. Despite this, it was nice to see him become a confidant for Val’s assistant, Mel who struggles to do the right thing involving the Sentry project and staying loyal towards Valentina. They had a nice dynamic and something that I hope gets expanded on in further projects. One last thing is I wish we saw more of the darkest moments in each character’s lives, just so we could see how the development comes into play over the course of the film (besides Yelena, John, and Bob)

Overall, this is a great movie but one I do not recommend seeing alone if you do struggle with mental illness, particularly depression.

P.S. Stay through the end as there are two post credit scenes and the second one sets up for the Fantastic Four/Avengers Doomsday movie!

GIF represents the central theme of the movie which is family.

[lolliepops-rox]

Hello 2024 Hetalia fandom. I want to talk about schizophrenic Arthur Kirkland.

Background: I myself is someone with psychosis, along with experience with schizophrenic family members. I'm not talking completely out of my ass. But not do I obviously speak for every mental ill person ever. Moreover, I am pulling on the way being a nation would affect his relationship with being schizophrenic.

I am extremely new to the fandom, but my best friend who has been here for a decade has talked with me about how the idea was handled in the past. I want to give this headcanon a genuine and sincere look at it, because I think it's interesting and I want to project onto Arthur a little.

One of the reasons he's a terrible cook is actually because of his schizophrenia. Disordered thinking means he struggles to follow steps in a recipe. The impact on his motor skills makes him even worse. Please do not give this man a knife. He will cut himself.

I think because of his own experience with cooking, he is prone to food related paranoia, things like it being rotten or poisoned, sometimes affected by the era/current events. During times of famine he's gonna lean towards rotten, verse maybe some civil unrest leading to him thinking his food is poisoned. Disordered eating is a huge problem for him. (We found out partly where Alfred gets it from lol)

Continuing with the food theme, smelling rotten food is a common hallucination for him. Olfactory hallucinations just make sense for him to me, so the smell of fire and gas is a common one too. (This is partly the effect of the many London fires throughout the centuries).

In terms of visional hallucinations, I don't think he'd be very prone to it. Reality checks for them he'd have to rely on his British Isles brothers for them, due to being able to see actual mythical creatures. This is made hard by the fact he's often not on speaking terms with his brothers. This has resulted in an incident where Arthur had assumed a creature following him was a hallucination, that turned out to be real and was HIGHLY offended at being ignored for so long.

In terms of delusions, being a public figure makes discerning reality difficult at times. He is super prone to delusions about being hated by everyone, or being the most popular person ever. This can be hard to reality check because well, he is famous, and sometimes the public does hate him, and people have tried to kill him. My poor man's ego can NOT handle being a public figure with schizophrenia.

England, circa. 2003, on the phone to his PA: Can you send someone over? Either someone is trying to kill me, I'm having another episode, or both. I am not leaving my house until this is resolved. Thanks.

In terms of disordered movement, he would get slapped with that very 'childish' label. Arthur holds himself and moves in a way that looks weird to others. He moves way too much, everything has more motion and steps than necessary, overly fluid. It often leads to people getting accidentally hit by a stray hand from Arthur.

Arthur is NOTORIOUS for his word salad. I feel like Francis over the years has adjusted to understand a lot of Arthur's word salad but still sometimes it's like

Arthur: -gibberish- Antonio: uhhh what did he say? Francis: Don't look at me, this is even beyond my understanding of England.

Alfred is the worst of the native English speaking countries when it comes to understanding Arthur's word salad. Like Ludwig is better at guessing what Arthur meant than Alfred is.

Anyways, that's some of my thoughts <3 I would love to hear other people's ideas & feedback. Thnx xD

[sbg-confessional]

since someone listed (??? is that what it is...) their favs, ill do it too ^_^!!!

6. Logan. IM SORRY LOGAN LOVERS...i just dont see the hype ☹️ hes pretty average i guess, sure he had development but it was so...sudden in a way? yeah, the phantom shit and all made him tougher but other than that it was pretty hard to see anything else. Im REALLY trying to get the hype about him😭 his fans are chill tho

5. Aiden. Overrated, and just not my favorite type of character. Everytime appears in one panel the entire comment section will instantly talk about him purely. Hes not BAD, absolutely not, i think he can be a really decent character. I LOVE characters that put up this façade, and Aiden does that too but i just...cant really say hes my favorite. MOST fans are insufferable, but few of them are fun to be around.

4. Ben. Honestly, i was thinking really hard if i should replace his place with Aiden. But hes a cutie, and i like his backstory. I love it whenever some tough looking guy turns out to be actually really gentle and sweet ^_^!!! Hes underrated, and has really few panels/chapters that focuses on him. Hes a medic, and i love medics so uh...extra points for that too. I feel really bad for him ☹️ I think hes a real sweetie.....fans are rare to find, but theyre funny and pretty kind.

3. Taylor. WHERE DO I STARTTT SHES SOOO ☹️☹️☹️☹️ i LOVE her shes so lovely 😭 shes THEEE emotional support in the group and I love that. Really helps ease the tension in most moments between the gang, and overall i think I just really like her personality. I would definitely have a hallway crush on her 😭 people underestimate her so much it hurts....i hope red gives her a chance to have a deeper personality, surely the death of her father and Tyler becoming...what he is now had some type of effect on her.

2. Ashlyn. I think shes actually a lot more than what people make her seem to be. Shes relatable at times, and seeing someone who hasnt had any friends her entire life actually struggling in moments that need communication is so.....‼️‼️‼️‼️ like its realistic. SHES REALISTIC. And also, shes the MC and i think shes an important part of the group. Without her, im like 80% sure they'd be fucked 😭 Her depth is being developed, and right now it looks pretty good. I love her inner struggles, especially when she started thinking about pulling everyone into the rift thing with her face being like the phantoms...i think thats how it went? I kind of forgot. It shows a side of her that i think could, and SHOULD, be explored more.

1. The one and only, TYLER MY GOAT🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣 I could go on and on about how hes probably the most relatable person for me, and how much his trauma is overlooked. I have this certain favoritism towards characters that had to grow up too early, and Tyler is a perfect example. He rarely had a childhood, matured early, AND IS SCARED OF BEING VULNERABLE??? THIS IS LIKE A WIN FOR ME. ALL OF MY FAVORITE THINGS AT ONCE. Has one of the GREATEST angst potential, and a beautiful character. His death was gut WRENCHING. The flashbacks???? The last things he said?? MY SHAYLAAAAAA 😭😭😭😭😭 "I cant leave them, not like dad did" IM GONNA KILLMHSELLFFFFFF ogujhouhh,,,, I believe that Red should show his caring nature more, because its OBVIOUSLY THERE WITH HIS SISTER. BUT ONLY A FEW TIMES. VERY SUBTLY. I LOVE his no bullshit mentality and bluntness. Im gonna eat him up affectionately. Hes SO much more than his anger issues and it absolutely baffles me how the fandom has somehow only reduced him to that AND SHIPS. I HATE TYLENOL. It feels SO fucking forced im sorry. Hes either just there for the ships or to be watered down to one word. So many fanfic writers get his character wrongtoo☹️☹️☹️ I dont blame them or anything, its just sad to see. His fear of vulnerability should be explored more. I WANT MORE ANGST NOT SMUT LEAVE MY LITTLE GUY ALONEEEEE😭😭‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ "he'd call you ma" NO STOP DIEEEEIHATE ALL.OF YOU OGMYKGOOD 🙏🙏 ITS SO CORNY. Anyways, i think hes neat.

♥️

[pumpkin-the-girlie-girl-vixen]

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder: My Journey of Self-Discovery

As I sit down to write this blog post, I'm filled with a mix of emotions - anxiety, sadness, but also hope and determination. The last few images I've shared have been centered around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), self-awareness, and the importance of understanding and empathy.

For me, this topic is deeply personal. I've been living with BPD for many years, and it's been a journey of ups and downs, twists and turns. There have been times when I've felt like my emotions are spiraling out of control and I'm powerless to stop them.

But there have also been times of great joy, of deep connection and intimacy with others, of feeling like I'm on top of the world. It's a rollercoaster of extreme emotions, and it can be exhausting.

One of the most challenging aspects of living with BPD is the stigma and misunderstanding that surrounds it. People often view BPD as a "crazy" or "unstable" person, someone who is prone to outbursts and mood swings.

But the reality is far more complex. BPD is a serious mental illness that affects millions of people around the world. It's characterized by intense emotional dysregulation, impulsive behavior, and unstable relationships.

For me, living with BPD means constantly struggling to regulate my emotions. It means feeling like I'm walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next emotional storm will hit.

It means struggling to maintain healthy relationships, because my intense emotions and impulsive behavior can be overwhelming for others. It means I’m constantly feeling like I'm a burden to those around me, like I'm too much to handle.

As someone living with BPD, I've encountered my fair share of hurtful comments and misconceptions. But there's one phrase that never fails to cut deep: "Stop using BPD as an excuse."

Those words are like a punch to the gut, leaving me feeling winded and vulnerable. It's as if the person speaking is implying that I'm somehow faking my struggles, that I'm using my diagnosis as a cop-out or a way to avoid taking responsibility for my actions.

But the truth is, living with BPD is not easy. It's really is a constant struggle to regulate my emotions, to manage my relationships, and to navigate the complexities of everyday life. And when I try to explain myself, to help others understand what I'm going through, I'm met with skepticism and dismissal.

It's not just the words themselves that hurt, but the underlying message they convey. It's as if the person speaking is saying, "I don't believe you. I don't think you're really struggling. You're just making excuses."

Those words are damaging because they imply that I'm not worthy of understanding or compassion. They imply that I'm somehow flawed or defective, that I'm not good enough.

But the truth is, I am enough. I am worthy of love, compassion, and understanding, just like anyone else. And when I try to explain myself, I'm not making excuses – I'm trying to connect, to find common ground, and to build bridges of understanding.

So, to those who would say, "Stop using BPD as an excuse," I will say: “Please, try to understand. Try to see things from my perspective, to walk a mile in my shoes. I'm not making excuses – I'm fighting to be heard, to be seen, and to be understood.”

But despite the challenges, I've learned to live with BPD. I've learned to recognize the signs of an impending emotional storm, and to take steps to calm myself down.

I've learned to communicate more effectively with others, to express my needs and feelings in a way that's clear and respectful. I've learned to prioritize self-care, to take care of my physical and emotional needs.

And I've learned to be kind to myself, to practice self-compassion and understanding. I've learned to recognize that I'm not alone, that there are millions of others out there who are struggling with BPD.

As I look back on the images I've shared, I'm reminded of the importance of self-awareness and empathy. It's so easy to get caught up in our own struggles and challenges, to forget that others are struggling too.

But when we take the time to understand and empathize with others, we create a ripple effect of kindness and compassion. We build stronger, more resilient relationships, and we create a more supportive and inclusive community.

So let's keep talking about BPD, about mental health, and about the importance of self-awareness and empathy. Let's keep sharing our stories, our struggles, and our triumphs.

Let's create a world where people feel supported and empowered, rather than stigmatized or ashamed. A world where we can be our authentic selves, without fear of judgment or rejection.

And to those who are living with BPD, I see you. I hear you. And I believe you. You are not alone, and you are not defined by your diagnosis. You are strong, resilient, and worthy of love and compassion. Keep fighting, keep striving, and know that you are enough.

[dervampireprince]

Hii Prince!

I wanted to ask why you started to post asmr roleplay audios, idk if you explained it in old post or on twitch lives, in that case I'm sorry to bother with the same question .

I really appreciate your work and it really helps me throughout hard times (especially this period)so thank you so so so much.

i have been asked this a lot on various places, though the only post about it i can find in my faq tag doesn't go into much detail and is years old so buckle up because this got long and i'm sorry if you wanted a shorter answer. i'm going to actually tag creators that inspired me and i'm sorry if that's annoying to those creators, but i want to be able to shout them out and link them in the hope that you guys go and check out their audios! they're really talented and really deserve the support!

when i was a teen i didn't really have any friends and i was mentally ill and didn't have anyone to turn too. i fixated on fictional characters for comfort, and the main one was loki from marvel. i can't remember how i came across @tomhiddlestonsoundalike but i did and honestly his audios really helped me a lot. not only did a crazy accurate impression of tom hiddleston's loki, but he had comfort audios for crying and panic attacks that i would listen to probably hundreds of times. i didn't know what asmr was and i never went searching to see if anyone did anything similar at that time, but these audios will always mean so much to me and while the creator of that blog went on to make audios on youtube and reddit, he hasn't been active in years on any of his accounts but i will always be so grateful for him providing me with a little light in the darkness.

cut to me being an adult at university and struggling once again with my mental health and sleeping and somehow youtube starts recommending me asmr. i get into sound effect tapping ones at first, and then find roleplays, and then find audio only roleplays of people doing impressions of different characters.

around the same time on tumblr i discovered @kinkradio and really enjoyed his guzma audios, and soon i was listening to every audio he put out regardless of if i was familiar with the fandom. he started voicing more characters that i already liked from marvel and the arcana and i found a new place of comfort, as well as discovering nsfw fandom audios for the first time. i still hadn't figured out i was trans yet, but these were the first audios i felt comfortable listening too and surprise it's because they're gender neutral and all the audios from other creators i'd listened too before were aimed at female listeners. being able to imagine myself as whatever when listening to k's audios was really helpful and comforting as i figured myself out and i still love listening to his audios now (and sidenote it's always a comfort after coming out as trans to find that creators who's work you love are supportive of trans people). k is still making audios and posts here as well as youtube and has a patreon with exclusive audios (as someone who's been a patreon member of his on and off over the years i can say it's well worth supporting, you won't be disappointed by the bonus audios on there) and i'd so recommend his works. honestly he's probably my biggest inspiration in voice acting, both from his acting and accents, and from his care he takes when approaching comfort audios.

another big inspiration of mine that i discovered around this time is @darkandtwistedasmr who unlike everyone else i'd been listening to so far, doesn't focus on voicing fandom characters but his own original characters. i adore so many of them (if i had to pick favourites i really love jaspar (for someone usually uncomfortable with alcohol boy i sure have been relistening to jaspar's audio every night for the last few days again /lh), prim, blue, soleil, the rainbow serpent, alden, seki, the shepard, currently still crying over the fallen angel and merman from this years halloweek... okay so i struggled limiting my favourites to a few and i'm sure i've missed some out). anyway, that's the first time i'd gotten invested in characters through just hearing their voices, and of course the art of all the talented artists, and it really made me realise how asmr and audios can be used to tell stories as much as any other medium. when i'm really struggling to calm down enough to be able to sleep, i often turn to twisted's audios. he's able to make each character distinct and unique, even if he's using the same accent they always sound like separate characters and i'm always so drawn into their stories. and the character designs are always so beautiful and it really inspires me to designs more of my own original characters. again twisted posts here and youtube and also has a patreon with sfw and nsfw audios and again as someone who's been in the patreon it's well worth it.

by this point i'd listened to a few other different voice actors on youtube who primarily made anime character audios and was always a little disappointed as i didn't watch much anime anymore and wanted to see characters from fandoms i enjoyed. i thought hey if others can do it, and i already like writing fanfic... maybe i could write scripts? and try and voice them? i bought my first microphone in 2018 with the intention of recording asmrs, i even wrote scripts for napstblook from undertale, sidon from legend of zelda, rouxls from deltarune and venom from marvel. i even recorded the napstablook one and made a youtube channel to put asmr on... but i never posted it. i was too scared. i hated the sound of my voice and didn't know why (spoilers, it was gender dysphoria). and so i just tucked the idea of doing asmr voice acting away in the back of my mind to maybe try again in the future.

in 2021 i was having to consider what i was doing with my work. i'd graduated with a degree in illustration in 2019 and then lockdown happened and i couldn't get a job. honestly university hadn't prepared or taught me how to get a job in the industry anyway. i still had my etsy shop i'd started in 2017 and kept that going, though could no longer work in person at artist alleys at comic cons due to lockdown and then my local cons never reopening after lockdown. etsy picked up during 2020 but by the end of 2021 it was going down. and i said to myself if i wasn't earning enough from etsy and my art by the end of 2022 i would have to just go out and get any job i could find, regardless of if it was in the art industry.

and then i watched this new show that just came out recently: arcane. i had latched onto viktor so tightly and had against my own will started vocal stimming by just talking in his accent to myself. and then i remembered about trying to make audios and do voice acting. and i thought you know this is really the last chance. if i want to be able to work from home i have to try everything. (at the time i wanted to work from home due to mental illness and how difficult i'd found it trying to work an in-person job in the past, at this point i hadn't developed my chronic hip/leg pain so i'm glad i set my sights on working from home before it became increasingly more difficult to go out to work. clearly i kinned viktor a little too close to the sun /j)

by this point i'd figured out i was a boy and been out as a trans man for years and while i did still have voice dysphoria, i figured i could learn to talk deeper and even edit my voice lower in post if needed (and indeed i did edit my voice deeper in post at first, but i'm proud to say now not all my audios have pitch editing as i've worked really hard on lowering my voice with t and every time someone points out how much deeper my voice sounds in audios now compared to ones from 2-3 years ago it makes me so happy). and i couldn't find anyone making audios for male listeners that were with fandom characters (apart from an occasional from kinkradio), and no fandom character audios for trans men, or trans people in general. i found it really hard to write and work with scripts, i couldn't predict how long it would take me to read one page, and i stumbled over my words too much when reading them. and then i thought hey i daydream all the time, i make up stories in my head all the time, can't i just... do that live and out loud? so i tried improvising and still improvise all of my audios.

i tried to be brave, posted some snippets here on tumblr where i was lucky enough to have already built up some following due to my nsfw writings. people were supportive and i finally started posting videos to that youtube channel i'd made years ago. started with only posting viktor audios and then expanded out into more characters. including getting to introduce you guys to some of my original characters.

what i wanted to achieve with making audios was to voice characters that were more obscure or that no one else had ever voiced just because i wanted to show my love for these characters, and to create an audio space that was a safe space and had audios focused on trans listeners and neurodivergency. as an autistic trans man, i wanted to be able to make the kind of audios i wished i could hear, and just hoped there were other people out there like me.

december 28th this year will mark 3 years since i posted that first arcane viktor asmr video on youtube. and i've gone from worrying about trying to find a job to this being my fulltime job. i still run my etsy shop, but the majority of my income is from my patreon where i post exclusive nsfw audios, and where my discord is that has gone from 5 to 200+ members and we chat and have watch parties and i love being in there. and i am so grateful to you guys, whether you are a patreon member or just watch my audios on youtube, however you show support means the world.

i couldn't have dreamed of this. i never planned on being a voice actor. but i did always dream of others caring about my original characters. and through starting out voicing fandom characters that people already knew, i was able to make original character audios and have people get to know my characters and sell merch?? of my ocs?? that people wanted to buy?? and did?? and people send me fanart they draw of them?? i have over 500 pieces of fanart that people have sent me?? (yes i save and treasure all of them, i have a fanart showcase slideshow that plays on my twitch starting soon, brb, and thanks for watching screens on stream). it's a dream come true and i honestly can't put into words how grateful i am.

i have some bigger plans a-brewing i hope you guys will enjoy. i really want to try and make more artwork of my original characters for my audios, and perhaps... try and make some more series of audios that have storylines, and maybe at least one of those won't have a listener character which i hope won't be off putting, it's more you're listening to a story happening between two characters that are voiced. i want to focus on working out backstories for characters, and finally giving you guys the long awaited names and designs for the villain and visiting king. and i'd love to make more new ocs more frequently, have more non-human looking ocs, and have more fun and detailed designs for my ocs.

that got long, i did warn you it would. but now the answer is actually written out for anyone curious. i hope again i haven't bothered any creators by tagging them, i just wanted to tag them so you guys can easily click on their names and see what wonderful things they create and voice! thank you so much anon for the kind words, i hope this all answered your question. /gen