#i love being myself and being accepted by the people around me
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As someone with very very very bad but effectively treated OCD, this. All of this. Though for me, it's more, because pragmatism is the name of the game for me, because morality is subjective enough that the inherent doubt used to eat me alive until I found a new way to look at things.
I used to have this terrible perfectionistic OCD dread about a vague sense that there's some ethereal impossible perfect way of being and doing that I'm always falling short of. It ate my mind and tore apart my life for years till I finally took off the values judgement punishment goggles and started thinking about things more objectively.
And it's funny. Once I stopped trying to moralize every little thought and deed, I started looking at my actions based on a combination of intent and cause and effect. Focus on actions and consequences instead, things got so much better. I wasn't wasting all my time hating myself instead of putting in work to do better.
And that is the thing. Feeling bad because you're obligated to feel bad is useless as penance. It doesn't fix anything, doesn't help anyone, and it actively hurts you. Others too, sometimes.
If feeling bad does fuckall to help improve your outcomes and actions, then fuck it. It's a useless pointless waste of time. If you insist on performing penance then seek absolution in action. Take steps towards habits and actions that align with your values and produce meaningful outcomes instead of torturing yourself needlessly.
Cuz guess what? Torturing yourself needlessly, wallowing in your emotions makes you more of a burden, but the people who love you are already putting up with that. Feeling bad for burdening them doesn't help. So if you feel bad then stop focusing on ot, stop drowning in those bad feelings. Try to accept yourself and your situation and focus on what you can do to do better.
Trying to do better while throwing all your energy into feeling bad is like trying to drive while stomping on the brake. You're just fucking up your car, dude.
I think the bit about thinking about who you want to be is good but for me that means living based on my values. I know what I want and what's important to me. I know my priorities and how I want to treat people, so I try to think about whether my actions and decisions fit my values, because being kind and understanding is one of my most important values and frankly, living up to that is tough but I am always happier living up to my values. There's a satisfaction in it that you just can't get by hounding yourself over every little failing of flaw.
We're human. Flaws come with the territory. Please, if you're stuck in a punitive mindset, please try to make peace with the fact that perfection is impossible, some people will always be shit and we can't fix that. Focus on moving yourself forward instead of tearing yourself and everyone around you down.
It's not a green light to let people hurt you but ffs give yourself and others some empathy.
Every single day people on tumblr say "what if the shit moral OCD tells you was true and living by it was the only way to be a real progressive"
#Mental heal#Idk empathy or some shit#I'm just tired#The world and the people in it make me sad sometimes#Can't help but feel so bad for and frustrated over all the people out there stuck thinking they have to hate themselves to be a decent pers
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Agatha All Along deep dive: episode 4 part 7
(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])
(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2][3][4] ep2 [1][2][3][4] ep3 [1][2][3] ep4 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7])
THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE 4 ENTRY I SWEAR
agatha: why yes I'm listening politely because I'm being sociable, not because this story concerns me in any way shape or form
she did NOT want TO DO IT AGATHA. HE WAS HER SON TOO AGATHA. did you ever give her a chance to SAY any of THAT. damn rio is (metaphorically) fighting for her life here. waiting centuries to catch her wife with her guard down next to a random fire, and then reworking her LONG PLANNED SPEECH into bite sized easily digestible bits so that her emotionally stunted soulmate doesn't run away screaming
I was doing MY DAMN FUCKING JOB agatha
agatha looks away like whooops! wasn't listening! wasn't looking at you! no sir, not me!
that's right. acknowledge her feelings. show her that you understand but that you're hurting too. be mature. you're doing great. god the way she swallows and stares right ahead, so determined. this is such a crucial moment for her.
agatha: i'm stone cold. I'm a wall. this is not affecting me in the slightest. I'm bored, really.
lilia not missing a word of what rio's saying
lmao the neutral pronoun lasted two seconds. she's not even trying to pretend like she isn't talking about agatha. and the way she nods to herself like yes, I did the best I could with this. so, there.
"she is my scar" is going to the sapphic annals, isn't it?
LMAOOOO the unblinking cat stare. rio is like I WAS TALKING TO YOU DUM-DUM. I KNOW IT, YOU KNOW IT, EVERYONE AROUND THIS GODDAMN FIRE KNOWS IT. CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE FUCKING TALK TO ME PLEASE DEAR GOD
and agatha doing a teeny tiny side glance and going whoooooooops not looking! I'm NOT looking! I'm not even here! and scrunching her face more and more trying to keep it blank
AND she's gone. she's so predictable lmaooo. every dang time.
awkwaaaaaard
rio with her soft smile again! with the little amused eye roll! never getting mad at agatha's antics. she's like FINE I'll come after you, you BIG BABY. the patience this woman has
lilia is so scared of rio because somehow, through her exceptional Seer abilities, she knew instinctively that this is her mortal foe. but something funny has just happened: here in front of her there's just a regular little guy, a bit odd maybe, doing her little thing, trying to talk to her ex. might it be... might it be that death isn't a monster, that it's just a thing, a strange but natural thing that happens to everybody? lilia cannot accept that quite yet. so she grabs rio and says no, no. I've seen what you are. you're scary, you're evil, you're dangerous. this is lilia's survival instincts kicking in. we are simply wired to fear death, that's just how humans are. it takes an exceptional mind and soul to see past that.
oh god, here we go, here we go. deep breaths (I'm telling this to myself tbh. i need the pep talk)
stroking her hair so gently. soft, tentative.
hey, subtitle people??? what the fuck??
rio just stands and stares. lets agatha decide what comes next, goes at her pace always
the haiR CARESSING
the HUG. the BIG SIGH. this bitch was running away screaming from rio just yesterday. and here she is. her love. her partner. she finally acknowledges rio's pain and all that they lost and all that they were (and still are tbh) to each other. THIS is what rio was looking for. she's not flirting to manipulate and deflect now, she's not being somebody else. this is agatha cracked open and bleeding love and sorrow
and they melt into each other, and they're rocking each other back and forth, with all their pain and tenderness and longing
agatha with her face buried in rio's shoulder. I'm unwell
and then agatha gently pushes rio back and strokes her hair and cradles her face like she did so many times before and leans in and here I am giving you a play-by-play and running a commentary like a totally normal and sane person would
you know what makes for a perfect onscreen kiss imo? no it's not tongue, although these two will give us plenty of that too. it's the TREMBLING. THE HESITATION. THE YEARNING.
rio and her superhuman willpower. couldn't be me.
and and and and and agatha looks at her puzzled for a second and doesn't register what's happening and dives for a kiss again she's so far gone. the feral animal noises I'm making you have no idea
THE ICY SHOWER
THE STEP BACK. THE MOST PAINED SMILE
THE REGRET
I think one big reason why agatha is always so calculated is because she's afraid her instincts will take over. she does something big and spectacular and stupid and then calls it a 'calculated risk' when it was actually a rush of fear, desire, sorrow, anger that she couldn't control. tonight rio has managed to poke a little hole into a carefully constructed dam, and now all the water is rushing out and tearing down the walls. agatha has rio in her arms and her shape, her scent, her skin are so nostalgic and familiar. her brain goes on autopilot, she's been lonely for so long, she is FAMISHED for love and connection and sex and acceptance. rio wanted her to open up, but agatha doesn't do half-measures. rio wanted her to give for a change, but agatha can only ever take.
rio HAS to put a stop to it. she puts logic before heart, one of them has to and you know agatha isn't gonna. more than anything rio wants to take this one perfect moment and run away with it, but instead she tears herself away and asks, what happens next? what happens if I have to take billy away from you? that reanimated corpse, that freak of nature who walked into your life only yesterday and took over?
billy is now part of the equation and rio cannot ignore it. she has been so gentle and careful with agatha, easing her into a reconciliation that is now in jeopardy because here comes billy maximoff like a sword of damocles! what happens if agatha takes her back only for rio to break her heart all over again? there would be no coming back from that. rio cannot help being the grim reaper just as much as agatha cannot help being a succubus, and she is almost at her breaking point here. because she is hurting too! she is sick of having to be the mature one! she's sick of always coming in second after all of agatha's issues! turns out there's a limit even to the heartbreak an impossibly old and wise being can take.
(and now I need a smoke and a future episode that is just 30 minutes of hot but soft cuddles and kisses and sweet nothings. please.)
once again a big shoutout and thank you to all the people reaching out and leaving comments, it's incredible to hear from you all @crybabyheathen @onceuponalegendbg @idkbroletssee @psychicsolanum @73chn1c0l0rr3v3l @a-tad-bit-obsessed @a-rusty-bucket-of-woes @miacheezytoon @isagrimorie @april-december @aquaaquila and I'm probably forgetting someone but I see you all and I appreciate you so much!
#agatha all along#agathario#agatha deep dive#rio vidal#agatha harkness#lilia calderu#character study
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sonadow brainrot yappings
Sonadow Twitter/Tiktok Takover:
I asked some questions to test my luck but ah well. at least i dont have to look both ways ten times the next time i cross the street. BUT oml what the hell was their problem? The amount of times my jaw dropped ??? Like Ayooo? "Go off king"???? Are you his queen???? "run laps around you"??? You keep it 'clean cut' to woo him????? "shopping partner"?????? You mean a fucking date???? Drawing each other unprompted????? Are you fucking kidding me?????? What the hell am i listening to? These fuckers got me exhausted. Like I woke up, listened to just 3 answers and was ready for a nap. Coffee flavored Ice cream MY HEARTTT!!!!!! (i wonder if i can get some coffee ice cream too) Sonic being like 'of course' when there's a mention of Shadow's caffeine addiction like he doesnt have a chilidog problem. They really are perfect for each other. Im surprised Shadow didn't say anything about it. Nah they did all this fruity shit on their OWN ACCORD! THEY DID IT THEMSELVES they did it themselves they did it themselves. Them influencing each other to the point where their opinions change on a FUCKING DIME: sonic: I dont have an opinion on orbot shadow: he sucks sonic: he sucks shadow: hes the best sonic: hes the best They really are so obsessed with each other it's concerning. If it were up to them they would spend their whole lives 'competing'. And these 'Competitions' 'Races' or whatever feel a lot like excuses to just be around each other. Oooooooooh their endless excuses. what is sonic's problem too? shadow opens up a smidge and the little blue bitch giggles. but i understand things had to be kept light for what theyre doing... i dont think sonic means to be... a little blue bitch. If they were alone i'd like to think sonic would be much more understanding and hear him out. But with possible kiddos listening in they couldn't get too deep into things. If it wasn't a 'Q&A Twitter/Tiktok' thing, and it was just them, I feel like they would talk all day and night. But they were getting to know each other and ahhh if was amazing. Hearing Shadow talk about himself and Sonic wanting to get to know him is the best and sweetest thing and all I was REALLY hoping for. Them just actually just sitting down and talking.
Deep thoughts:
Though I have been wondering what Shadow's beef with Sonic really boils down to. I highly doubt it but maybe Sonic reminds him more of Maria than he even wants to believe? Maybe at times he even sounds like her? Idk ??? How carefree and enthusiastic she was, helping shadow come out of his shell. IDK im a sonic noob !! He probably feels like this about a lot of people!
I can understand that there's more parallels with Maria and Amy than with Sonic and Amy. Putting myself in Shadow's shoes; I have a sister, I love like Shadow loves Maria. We are the best fucking friends. I can talk to her about ANYTHING. We're a team. But when it comes to finding a romantic partner, I dont want to look at my partner and just think of my sister lmao. But I would like a similar feeling. Comfortable, understanding, to have that team work, and able to talk about anything to them. And I think Sonic and Shadow have that if things were different I guess. Although Sonic doesn't always talk Shadow down from a decision, it does seem like they both can come to an agreement. "Two sides of the same coin". Like yeah, Sonic might've not been able to change Shadow's mind on going back to the Ark BUT I feel like Sonic probably wouldn't even try. I feel like he would probably even offer to join him for back up. IDK IDK IDK !!!! IM NEW TO SONIC STILL and all i've really seen of the two is some Game clips, some IDW stuff, and of course Sonic X and Sonic Prime. And some of the things my sister has told me. I got most of my IDW knowledge from her and pintrest ghhghg LiSTEN LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN I know sonadow will never be canon, I KNOW !!!! i accept that. Sonamy runs this bitch and Im not even mad and I dont even care. honest to god i do not care. I just like Sonadow and will die on this stupid hill SO HAPPILY. But also it would be so funny if they were to be canon one day. I would lose my fucking mind and throw up. so for my own sanity and health, im glad that theyre never gonna be a thing. im sorry, but im already half way to calling my doctor. i dont think i can handle an official kiss. It's just pure brainrot thinking about how their complicated relationship would work. Love isn't just as simple as 1+1 , this shit has the whole alphabet and the whole fuckin pi in there and it could all add up to 0. I'm solving a math problem for fun BECAUSE IM STUPID AND LIKE TO SUFFER ‼‼‼‼‼‼ But they said the same thing about Bubbline and Korra/Asami and look how that turned out. It would be funny but at the same time reality would probably shatter and sonadow would have to save it again- like my profile says, Im gay and like gay things. let me perish.
I'm honestly the biggest yapper. I go quiet, think about shit, and open up like a shaken up soda can.
TLDR; sonadow takeover made me explode
#rot yappings#my mind wont shut up#lights are on but my mind's mind is not home#the voices are saying gay gay homosexual gay#i could yap more#this brainrot has the TIGHTEST CHOKE HOLD on me its not even funny#the world sucks and sonadow is keeping me sane as much as its driving me insane#i could brainrot to my sis too but im too shy to#perish with meeee <3#im actually a sonadow hater cause THESE MFS ARE RUINING MY LIFEE
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What if I told u guys that throughout the main storyline Kyra genuinely believed that no one genuinely loved her .
Like, she was so used to the love she received from others being conditional that her being loved and accepted despite showing all her flaws was never even possibility to her .
So she goes around with the expectation of not making any real “bonds” , keeping everyone at arm’s length because she knows she has to go home one day ..
So its just one day, or maybe slowly she realizes. Wait, these people actually do like me and love me. Maybe I can love myself too then?
And before she knew it the people that she was so sure must’ve hated her, had managed to worm their way into her heart too. They all left an impact on her, just like she unknowingly did to them.
And the thought that maybe if all of these people could still accept her even after all of it, maybe she doesn’t have to pretend anymore after all
Thank u thats all *bows*
#🎀🕊️! kyra#🎀! yap#me when the trope is a character who has every right to be angry at the world decides not to be#<- me when they choose to remain kind instead#me when they decide to be full of joy and hope to the future despite a dark past#me when its a character who loves so much but thinks theyre unlovable#me when its a character who gives others the love they never received#me when its a character who doesnt realize how much theyre actually worth#me when its a character learning its ok to accept being loved#your past defines you#but it doesn’t decide your future#twst#twisted wonderland#twst oc#twst wonderland#yuusona
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even though ive been out as trans for over 3 years (i think?) i still feel so much euphoria and happiness whenever i hear someone refer to me with my correct pronouns
#i cant really explain it well#but whenever i get called 'he' i feel so happy omg#i feel giddy maybe#i love getting called sir by random people that i hold the door to the gas station for#i love when im handing someone their change and they say 'thanks man!'#i love that my friends dont see me as a girl and whenever they refer to me they use my pronouns#i love being myself and being accepted by the people around me#trans joy#transgender#trans#trans euphoria#gender euphoria#transmasc#trans pride
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The 24 Character Strengths are awesome references when writing characters!!
I've found this website to be extremely helpful and cool while fleshing out my characters' personalities and motivations.
Even if I only have basic personality traits for a character, exploring strengths that I feel fits them and reading their descriptions is fantastic for inspiration!! It really helps narrow down the basic ideals I imagine a character would believe in, and then I can get more specific from there. It's a great guide to springboard off of!
Each strength is sorted into one of six virtues. Starting with a broad virtue, for example "justice," and honing that down into the strengths of "fairness," "leadership," or "teamwork" makes writing them really fun!
Here's an example of the "fairness" strength description! Lots of detail and tangible qualities describing it!
Of course there are infinite ways to interpret a character strength, just like in real life. And people aren't always black and white and follow a strength 100% of the time. But it's been extremely helpful to see specific traits being described in so much detail, and imagining different scenarios that a character would react in. It's like I can understand them a bit more and think a little like them, especially if their trait isn't one of my personal strengths. :3
But I also recommend taking the actual personality test for yourself! I took it years ago and it was really cool to put a name to some of my strengths and see how detailed this descriptions were. And when my friends and I shared our results, I felt like we understood each other just a little more. :)
Just thought I'd share this reference that's been helping me lately :D
#I LOVE PERSONALITY TESTS!! So much!!!#I know they're not for everyone but I love understanding the people around me especially if we think super differently#ever since my dear friends introduced me to them when I was a little baby college freshman I've loved them#like I had been around almost the same people from age 5-18 so I had to expand my understanding of other people in a giant public universit#the love language test helped change my understanding of how to connect to others and made a lot of things click in my brain#I love complementing people and would feel hurt when people couldn't accept them or didn't want to#but learning that they by default receive love differently allowed me to explore other ways to express myself to them#and in turn they understood that I take the words I say seriously and they accepted that I was being authentic#one of my best friends is literally the total opposite Meyers-briggs type of me haha#but I also I share a lot of parallel traits with other best friends!#learning more about the ways people think differently from me was so eye-opening and amazing#and feeling understood by others in turn was also a new and beautiful feeling#anyway shoutout to my fellow INFPs- enneagram 9- and words of affirmation peeps out there!!!#thanks for reading hehehehe#reference#writing#personality tests#jojo rambles
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Hey, sorry if this is a bit of a personal question - and feel free to ignore it if it is - but how did you know you wanted to start hrt? I am someone who IDs as transmasc and knows in an ideal world, I would've loved to have been born a guy. But the idea of going on hormones is terrifying because I can't figure out if I really want it... I worry about regretting it, or it making me 'unappealing' physically, or my friends judging me for it. Did you ever struggle with similar worries?
I think every person thinking about and starting HRT goes through this. A rite of passage, if you will, and also not a bad thing to do. HRT is a big step, some of the changes (especially on T) are irreversible. It's good to think through if it's a choice that's right for you or not.
That said, it's also Just A Thing You Can Do. I first started really questioning my gender at the end of 2020 (thank you, Elliot Page, for coming out and making me go "oh shit, you can do that?"). I got a therapist to talk about gender... Mid 2022? And started hormones spring 2023, top surgery a year later.
Before getting the therapist, I spent over a year Just Thinking About It. And a lot of the thoughts were around the changes on T and if I'd like them or not or if I'd regret them. If I'd be ugly, after being conventionally attractive as a woman.
It hits a point, though, where eventually you have to pull the plug one way or another. I spent a lot of time thinking about how my body would change on T. A Lot. With longing. I caught myself putting things off Until I Knew For Sure and because I didn't want to do it while being perceived as a woman. I was sitting, treading water for a hypothetical Later that I could start moving towards at any time. I was scared for the Teenage Round 2 phase, and didn't want to spend months being "ugly and awkward", but then the months passed anyway and I was still in the same spot.
HRT isn't an all-or-nothing thing, you can ease into it on a low dose. My doctor started me on a low dose and we ramped up over months. Some T changes can start pretty quickly (voice dropping, bottom growth - this isn't true for everyone, but was true for me). If these changes excite you, make you feel good - great! Keep going! If they scare you, feel wrong - stop. Assess. Figure out what about it isn't right (a gender therapist for all of this process is a Huge Help). In early days if you stop T, the changes can revert, for the most part. But you can always stop at any time.
The bigger thing I actively worked to wrap my head around before starting HRT is - Who Cares If You're Wrong? What's right for you now might not be right for you later. The idea of detransitioning was scary to me, society has such a weird spotlight on it, the Right uses people who have detransitioned as props against transition. But it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day, if I do change my mind, I'll know myself better, and I don't think it's wrong to chase and find comfort in your own body.
A year+ on T, I've mostly made it through the ugly duck phase, I think. I was lucky, I didn't get bad acne or get too oily or anything (after having horrible acne in my first puberty). Most of what I dealt with was the chronic baby face, where I was getting read as male but a teenager - I'm almost 30 and a woman wanted to card me over a free T-shirt at a baseball game because it had beer logos on it. After some middle months of changes and going "oh my god what am I doing" and not feeling confident in how this was all going to turn out, I think of myself as relatively attractive and I think I'm just going to get more vain as my beard comes in. Some of that is physical, sure, but I think a significant amount of that is me feeling more confident in myself and liking the body I'm in more. I was never a selfie or picture person, now I am. I joke I'm like a budgie, always looking at myself if there's a reflective surface nearby. I'm more excited to exercise, I'm interested in lifting weights for the first time, I'm curious what my body on T can do and become. Keep your eyes on the pieces that are going well, the changes exciting you, and let the rest catch up.
My social circle helped a lot. I'm very lucky and blessed to have great friends and family, all of whom are supportive. If you don't have friends who are supportive of you, that are judging you for exploring yourself rather than lifting you up for it, it's a sign to expand the social circle and find ones that are. Family is harder, but that's a thing you have to navigate for yourself and find your own boundaries for.
So, there's no ~one moment~ where you're 100% certain that medical transition is right for you. It's a huge unknown and you're changing the body you've had your entire life. At some point, though, you just have to jump and see how it lands. Part of being alive is making mistakes and doing things you might regret.
That said, the regret rate for trans people is something like 3%. The regret rate for knee surgery is something like 20%. Trust yourself.
#my two favorite posts I've seen online that helped with my transition#are the one that said ''the time will pass anyway'' in response to learning a new skill and being bad at it in the beginning#and a response to the question ''how did you know you were trans?'' of ''i thought about it''#because i didn think about it! a lot! a lot a lot!#and the time does pass anyway#the cliche advice is ''cis people dont think about this stuff'' and its true#or if they do they conclude they're good where they're at and how they identify rather than twisting themselves in knots over being sure#only you can decide if you're ready to take the plunge and try hrt#i do recommend getting a therapist to talk it through with#especially the social side of transition because that is scary#even if you have people you know will accept and support you it still puts you in a very vulnerable postion and it takes courage#the therapist also helped me talk through a lot of my fears about if i was ugly on the other side of transition#and the answer to all the social fears is always ''it won't matter to the right people''#i already had the right people around me but if you don't you can find your right people#a thing i reminded myself a lot too is to give people a chance#to keep ourselves safe we assume the worst so we can brace ourselves for it - that we will not be accepted and will have to defend ourselve#but i kep reminding myself it was not fair to assume the worst of people - especially certain family members#so its good to prepare yourself for the worst - but you also have to give people a chance to surprise you#i was So Scared of telling my aunt and and grandma. they were the last people i told because i was so afraid#but i did and they were nothing but supportive#they don't get it. we aren't going to talk about it. but we dont need to - they're doing their best and i am loved#good luck on however you choose to do things and find your happiness#hrt#gender#ask response#boy stuff
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haha god listening to music and having scenarios in your head is so fun, yes the scenarios are about a hypothetical good relationship with my parents why do you ask
#vent#idk i feel like i have no one to turn to#like my parents are there but relying on them feels like walking on eggshells and hiding the effects of my transition#also one of them is just a plain Disney movie antagonist to be honest#hi also i am not depressed i swear! just very sad for some reason#im content with my life#in a sense i dont want to have to see anyone ever again#just rot away in my flat forever and ever and not have to worry about conflict or agression from the people in my life#maybe im selfish idk#the earth is the home of everybody on earth#not just me#also human connections? so hard!!!#i think i may be on the spectrum but im still waiting for the official diagnosis next month#but its like im always uncomfortable around people? like im some sort of strange social parasite who does everything ever wrong and is reall#y awkward and nobody liked me ever but also when someone says they do#there's simply nothing? as if they were inly words to me#and it's not only that i dont believe it possible#but also that i just dont know the feeling#it just makes me uncomfortable to hear that despite my friends possibly believing it#it's not their fault#but i just feel like there's a barrier between me and everyone#or maybe that I'm like just some minor occurance in all these wonderful people and i disappear from their lives as quickly as i arrived?#i dont know how to feel content truthfully#walking znd listening to music can only keep me pensive for so long#i just want to be comfortable sometimes#spend a few minutes not worrying#actually accepting care and love#being deadweight if only for one short while#and not hating myself for days afterwards
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iii…. don’t know what romance is
#marzi speaks#being unlabelled arospec is very interesting#funny how that in and of itself is a label. irony. anyways#what the fuck is romance even. i know love. i feel that one#but like. romance….?????#everyone’s definition of romantic attraction is different….#i love my friends a lot and have several good friends who i like to spend time with and cuddle and flirt with#and if they wanted to kiss the homies i would. i wouldn’t like make out with them but a little mwah mwah is acceptable#i already blow my friends kisses all the time. sometimes real close friends will exchange kisses on the cheek or the top of the head with me#i’ve met really pretty people who i like to look at. it makes me really wanna make friends with them#so i make friends with them. and usually they’re already dating people so i let that attraction die off and now i have a cool friend#i thought i had crushes as a kid but in hindsight i’m not sure now. i always got over them super quickly#i’ve found people so pretty that i get nervous around them and struggle to hold conversations because i’m worried about how they’ll see me#sometimes with these people i’ll find myself prone to jealousy or i’ll put extra effort into my appearance around them#is that romantic attraction? i don’t know#there’s no way to define romance that excludes platonic interaction for me#and i can’t tell the difference between wanting to hang out with someone and wanting to go out with someone#so i just sit here. confused. and sipping on that loving my friends juice#local hopeless romantic has no fucking clue what romance feels like more at 10
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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"idk maybe all those doctors and therapists were wrong, maybe im not autistic? maybe I'm a faker? i feel so normal and well adjusted?" *leaves the house* oh dear jesus god i am not a normal person
#text post#okay to reblog#also to be clear im not a 'normal' person at home but it all feels so normal to me#like what allistic person listens to the same album 20 times in 36 hours and plays 160 levels of a game in 10 of those hours#also i can't drive and im unemployed bc i can't find a job that i could work at with my disabilities that is accessible without a car#i struggle to feed and bathe myself and mostly only do it bc im living with someone who cares about me so i try to be better#at prioritizing those things#when I'd really rather just stay engaged with whatever I've hyperfocused on or with my special interests#and even with the people i live with i still greatly struggle to understand tone and body language#but when im being 'weird' by myself or with people who deeply love and accept me... it feels normal#but throw me out in public? or put me around people that im not extreeeeemely close with? YIKES
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what ghost haunts you?
the ghost of devotion .
your body was crafted to be loved and to be adored. you write with the touch of a poet, the fingertips of a lover. if you are not loved, you are not whole. you are made to be sculpted by the hands of another into something perfect. without their love, you feel as though you may crumble without the support of purpose their touch provides. when ernest hemingway wrote “it was too good to last.” when ocean vuong wrote, “i miss you more than i remember you.” when david foster wallace wrote, “everything i’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”
the ghost of the damned .
you rot with the need for something more than what you have. the ghost is built up of the feeling of stagnation. you find it staring at the ceiling with sleep - blurred vision ; this is the third night you have met its eyes in the early hours of the morning. you tear yourself apart looking for comfort, for validation, for acceptance. but it never feels quite enough. you ruin everything you touch, despite every attempt to be more than what you have always been. you would sculpt yourself as something perfect for those around you, but you are no artist. when albert camus wrote, “be silent, heart; there is no hope!” when lucille clifton wrote, “maybe i should’ve wanted less. maybe i should’ve ignored the bowl in me, begging to be filled.” when taylor swift said, “i’m still on that tightrope, i’m still trying everything to get you looking at me.”
tagged by @primordyalsoul ty sumin!!!!
#TAGMEME.#iiiiiIIINTERESTING.....#dark's is fine as is but dai#his relationship with independence/dependence can get a little complicated#his desire is to be independent and he's stubborn about it- hence his rejecting dark's concerns or help sometimes#(that's where the 'what took you so long to call me?' comes from in tandem with constantly reminding daisuke#that they're one and the same; that dark -is- on daisuke's side and very much so. wholly loves and accepts him)#dark's longing is also a reflection of daisuke's longing; to be accepted and loved even within himself for his own flaws and faults#the reality for daisuke too is that so many people around him help and try very hard to care for him from his parents to his friends#the same way everybody remarks he's always trying to do his best for others- which is partly a symptom of dai wanting to be reliable#rather than solely relying on others all of the time... it goes in a big circle#smth smth coexistence and daisuke's simultaneous fear of being ostracized/persecuted for being dark#smth smth dante's inferno and the circle of thieves stealing each other's bodies but the way dark and daisuke learn to share#smth smth you were born to be a phantom thief but it's love that transforms you#dark's longing and loneliness is simultaneously daisuke's longing and loneliness always and forever BUT dark's stagnancy#his supposed state of perfection his immutability that makes him unearthly unhuman - he quietly loathes#dark relies on daisuke to change him too; to be kinder. warmer. the boy's his heart#the same way he's daisuke's supporting dream and aspiration!!!#aw man tag essay. embarrassing. point is dai's very devoted was born for it was destined for it#his family's love gets to the point it's overbearing sometimes but it's so so so genuine and so is his own once he gets to a state of it#but one cannot dismiss ...... the stubborn 'i can do it myself i don't need you' attitude(tm) dai has at dark sometimes#(even though dark is sooooo pathetic n desperate to be relied on)
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i do have the weirdest coming outs ever i don’t really come out in the first place cuz i’m really open about saying i don’t like anyone but i usually don’t put a label on it bc i don’t believe i should have to but the other day i got ask by this guy he’s a little weird in general but the conversation went: are you gay? no are you straight? no are you bi? no are you asexual? yes (but actually i don’t really consider myself to be ace??? i actually feel more connected to the aro label or aroace but i’m not about to explain that to him)
#i have such a complicated relationship with my sexuality bc i cannot be ace without being aro but i can be aro without being ace if that#makes any sense to you#and i also don’t really use labels that much#i’m just myself and i don’t like anyone and i’ll never fall in love and i’ve never have#and people should accept that without me having to say i’m aro#people usually don’t do that though#they always say i’ll find someone eventually#i don’t hate being aro i love it but sometimes it sucks bc of people around me#🌙.txt
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after a long fight to rescue her from a dangerous figure from her past, Noore chose to leave the party for her own protection - leaving behind only a note and a devastated Flora
#dungeons and dragons#dnd#dnd pc#flora#flora dunnan#ttrpg#my art#a moment of hesitancy before following the rest of her companions back into the feywild#as of me drawing this I still haven't figured out how flora's gonna process the loss#of the first person she thought truly cared about her for who she was inside and not her position#especially immediately after learning that she looks so much like Noore's sister#so it wasn't even actually who she was on the inside that drew noore to her#it was because she so strongly reminded her of someone else entirely#my kiddo has a lot of processing to do#and so do I tbh#idk I've been thinking a lot about how I tend to explore different aspects of myself in my dnd characters#and while Brina has very much been me trying to accept being unapologetically myself#and like unmasking my adhd#flora has been a journey of love? and like. what it means to give love and how to learn to receive it from the people around her#and also to some degree the difference between being used and being loved#specifically through the lens of her caregivers in that regard for backstory stuffs#tbh this doesn't stop at dnd characters bc I did it with Cora too without thinking#with her it was a big exploration of like... no longer bottling up emotions and learning how to wield them like a blade#just like... a lot of learning to cope with responsibility and how to not lose oneself through that#and also - in regards to her romancing bull - a lot of just. deciding to no longer care about what other people think of decisions#and like all of these are still things that I need to continue working on in myself#but it's interesting to think of how it's like... less daunting to explore big things like that through a character first#idk#I havent purposely sought to do this with any of them it's just kind of a pattern I've noticed esp when I particularly connect with an oc#anyways
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I used to laugh at that one 'get me a girlfriend so i can deactivate my tumblr' post but then i got a crush on this guy and literally made a tiktok account just to watch videos he sent me and i started using twitter and instagram more cause he didn't know what tumblr was and I wanted to get him to look at hot selfies i posted and trick him into falling in love with me (which worked btw, not the trickery part just the falling in love bit). And that was about a year ago and we've been dating about 9 months now and i haven't even updated my tumblr bio since i was 23 (i just turned 25) and i didn't even know there was a tumblr live function and im so out of touch with this site jdkfghdsf. its so weird not being as active on here when I was addicted to posting here 24/7 as a teenager. and its mostly because the time i used to spend on here is now dedicated to hanging out with him and being an adult with responsibilities and having hot transgender gay sex :') and like. laundry and cooking and taxes and stuff. idk. can a tumblrboygirl and a former teen tiktok star really fall in love? apparently, yes they can <3
#personal#i am in so much of a better place now than i was as a mentally ill teenager. which is partly that i was in a very toxic situation back then#and now im living with my partner and friends and have my own life and theres something so healing about having a relationship where were#both trans and bi and disabled and autistic and have so much in common despite being our own separate people. its nice#for the first time in decades i feel like i can just be myself around him without needing to think about who that self needs to be to be#accepted. i dont need to mask or hide my feelings he just accepts me as i am and tries to help me work through the traumatized parts#hes so patient and incredible and im really lucky to have him <3 and he helps me with disability stuff and cares for me when im sick <3#and washes me when im in my shower chair and holds me steady when i need to stand. t4t disabled love is just so nice :'))))
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yk i’ll never stop loving him the way i did
and that’s okay
i think, too often, people portray moving on from a person as completely forgetting them, or erasing them from your life, or stopping loving them in any way shape or form. and for some, it does look like that.
but for others, like me, moving on might look like still loving them more than anything else, but converting that love into a different type of love, or having different ways of showing that love. loving them quietly, as friends or as just people in the other’s life. and then having space for another. maybe never having space again, but at peace with the fact that their love is quiet and friendly and human rather than what it might’ve been before.
moving on can still mean thinking. cause yes, i’m slowly moving on, i think i’m halfway there already, but i still love him. just half the same half differently. still the same amount though <3
#personal#eli.txt#i let myself look at pretty girls and fantasise yesterday !! it sounds weird but its a big achievement for me#and as an autistic person a small part of the struggle moving on + why i’ll probably still love him the same-#-even when we’re 20 or 30 or 40#even if we’ve been or have married or whatever with diff people#even if one of us never gave it a shot again#is because i struggle with change#and once ive loved someone for this long that change is never going to happen#so i make smaller changes to work around it#and i think as long as boundariws are respected and it is clear that the relationship is over#and the love isnt constantly being pushed to the other person as in romantic love or thinly veiled /r love#then its okay#and perfectly acceptable#maybe even beautiful in a way#so yeah <3#if you’re reading this - hey man <3#im not gonna make things weird between us and i hope this doesnt either#you’re a great friend <3#sorry for the trouble earlier#aaaand yeah ! have a nice day <3#actually autistic#autism#neurodivergent#asd#its the neurodivergency#neurodivergencies#being autistic#actuallyautistic#actually adhd
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