#i like to keep things tidy
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BLOG UPDATE
Happy 2023! Hope you’re all doing just swell.
A few things: @kwistowee finally got an update; first new desktop theme in over 7 years, so, well done, me! Everything I make goes here on my primary blog. My new job (managing a cyber security school) takes a lot of my time, but I love sharing gifs and edits, so stick with me.
I have several other blogs that are mostly for organizational purposes. I don’t create original content for any of them, but they are there to streamline my various interests and to make it easier for you to curate your own online experience.
@mostly-jensen and @mostlybenedict are my former primary blogs and are where I reblog my current Jensen and Benedict content. If you’d like an extra dose of these two, go check out these blogs.
@mostlyjon, @mostlyjoseph, @mostlycolin, & @mostlytomellis are where I reblog my current content related to each of these respective gentlemen. If you’d like to see more of these lads, go check out these blogs.
Thanks for following my incredibly random blog! You guys are great!
#blog update#i like to keep things tidy#jensen ackles#benedict cumberbatch#jon bernthal#joseph quinn#colin o'donoghue#tom ellis#you guys are great#thank you for coming along for the ride#this looks dreadful on mobile
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Life's beauty is like a myriad of flowers, and I want to pluck the one that never wilts.
#hey ruanmei gang its me again. Ya boy#i love. LOVE. overgrown nature themes and seeing her lab with all t he fucking glass TUBES and PLANTS and everything so neat and tidy i#just wanna see it all UNRAVEL bro i want it FUCKED UP#i think abt ruan mei abandoning her creations the things she raised bc they dont serve a purpose for her anymore but the plants keep reachi#g for the sunlight right. so full of life regardless of if they feel or think or speak. just like ruan mei huh.#im running out of space ill talk another time#ruan mei#honkai star rail#honkai star rail fanart#cele draws
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no but like javert has to have long hair so that he can keep it up perfectly tidy like the rest of his appearance and then we see it a bit messy before the confrontation and then after jean valjean sets him free it's all loose to symbolize how he feels like he's lost all control over his life you need to understand me
#les mis#les miserables#inspector javert#jean valjean#yes i am tagging this because people need to understand my point. it's like. they talk about him keeping his uniform tidy#and i think if he has long hair we get more of an extension of that#since if he keeps it in a perfect bun/ponytail the whole time then when we see it messy it's just like the buckle thing#you catch my drift#i forgot he doesn't always have long hair. it's canon to me though
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just cleaned 2 rooms in my apartment. I defeated my adhd
#kitchen + bathroom. big win#my sister's been doing a small amount of cleaning in bursts in the past few days and I'm like aww.. I should help#shes just been keeping things tidy. it's been nice#so I deep cleaned the kitchen a little
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So what if I told you that Lu Guang has been living on "borrowed time" with Cheng Xiaoshi as far back as the very first episode in season 1?
Tl;dr thoughts and other sidetracks below the cut:
One: Xiaoshi lamenting to Lu Guang if "high-fiving" was the only way for them to maintain contact with each other when he dives.
If they had been at this gig for a long time, surely Xiaoshi would have already known this (or at the very least, have experimented other methods, maybe, if he suspected they could go about it another way?) That is not to say that the two of them hadn't been running a legit photo studio business prior to this (definitely feels longer), but the fact that Xiaoshi questions this did come across as being unusual to me, unless it was something "fairly recent" to him, and he was still slowly getting the hang of it. But a much stronger evidence would be:
Two: The rules set by Lu Guang as a condition of their partnership, specifically the second and third rule: to "change nothing", and "let the past and future be". Would Lu Guang have been so insistent on imposing such restrictions on Xiaoshi, had he not already experienced losing Xiaoshi once and wanted to rein Xiaoshi in from acting on his own? And why did Lu Guang feel the need to do so?
-------- Sidetrack thoughts #1: Was Xiaoshi even aware of his powers before Lu Guang came into the picture, or did it only manifest when Lu Guang entered his life? As evident in episodes involving the police, it suggests that in this universe, ability users are an abnormality and not public knowledge; they fall under urban lore and internet rumors, with whispers about a "photo studio run by a witch who can perform magic".
Did Xiaoshi accidentally jump into a photo one day and freak out, only for Lu Guang to assure him by outing his own abilities? (I can't see Lu Guang willingly volunteering that information to Xiaoshi unless something had forced his hand, esp given the above assumption it's not knowledge a layman should possess.) --------
I feel, the reason why Lu Guang holds Xiaoshi so vehemently to the rules would make sense if we consider that Lu Guang sees Xiaoshi as an "unpredictable node".
As far back as S1e3, we can tell that Lu Guang was able to "see" far ahead enough in the timeline that Xiaoshi had leaped into, to know if the future of that timeline had been altered or not. Example: little changes that Xiaoshi did (making a slam dunk) were inconsequential enough that Lu Guang could tell Xiaoshi it's fine, and the future remains relatively unaffected. But Xiaoshi changing a "key node" in that timeline (helping the losing team win), had drastically altered it to the point that Lu Guang tells Xiaoshi he doesn't know what's going to happen next. Why? Because the timeline had already branched out into a parallel universe, so to speak. And no longer holding on to the photo of the "right" universe - a new universe that Xiaoshi had inadvertently just created - meant Lu Guang no longer had the power of foresight.
Getting back to Lu Guang's real predicament, I suspect Lu Guang has been living in a timeline where he is unable to "see" Xiaoshi's future because he hasn't known a future where Xiaoshi has been alive for this long.
Just because Lu Guang is now in a timeline where Xiaoshi didn't die before 0913, it doesn't mean Xiaoshi is safe in the present universe - the same thing happened with Emma; while she didn't die in the hands of a kidnapper, she still died by falling off a building. And that's why Lu Guang has been rather protective of keeping Xiaoshi out of trouble, but I also speculate hard, that he doesn't want to further "destabilize" the current timeline and create more obvious time ripples that will draw attention to them, because... Lu Guang knows Xiaoshi should not have lived, and that they're being hunted.
Xiaoshi, the "abnormality" who is causing all the splits in time due to his unpredictable nature, would make the absolute antithesis to the new antagonist, who seeks to merge all the universes into one single unchanged ending. -------------------------- Sidetrack Thoughts #2: Since when was Lu Guang able to time travel on his own anyway?? My personal hunch: his time leap abilities were not his own, but from Cheng Xiaoshi of the parallel universe where he died. The scene before Lu Guang jumped back in time showed bloodstains on his shirt, suggesting that he had contact with Xiaoshi prior. This would mirror what we saw between Xixi and Qiao Ling, with Xixi's powers being transferred over to Qiao Ling through contact, and Qiao Ling briefly able to see all the memories of the people she had previously read.
If ^ proves to be true, what does that mean?
That Lu Guang is unable to time leap UNLESS Cheng Xiaoshi dies. He does not have the ability to do so on his own. This also means that for as long as Cheng Xiaoshi is alive, Lu Guang will not have the means to time leap on his own or dive back into the past. Which brings me to:
Sidetrack thoughts #3: This image makes me reallllllllly wonder if Lu Guang had already gone back in time to save Xiaoshi multiple times, which would make Lu Guang wanting to stabilize the current timeline even more valid and tragic. ---------------
Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Frankly, such stories seem destined to head down the tragic/bittersweet end. Either: 1) Lu Guang dies so that Xiaoshi may live; 2) Xiaoshi dies anyway; (bonus 2.5: It's a combi of both; Guang tries to die to save Xiaoshi, but Xiaoshi pulls an "uno reverse" card on him and still dies as he was meant to, this time making Lu Guang promise not to try and save him again.) 3) Nobody dies, but they end up being apart. Lu Guang OR Xiaoshi discovers that in order for the both of them to survive, he would need to go further back in time to reset the past so that they never cross paths in the first place. This would mean one would likely forget the other entirely, and they would become nothing more than passing strangers. I kind of hope if it's headed for tragedy, that this option will be picked over the other two because I find death for melodrama too contrived a plot, but also FML. But what if... there is an option 4? A possibility for an actual good end where they can all be happy together and nobody dies? I'd like to think that if they could give others their happy end then surely they'd be able to find a way to happiness themselves! One such end-game could be them defeating the bad guy and branching out into a new universe yet again, but forever losing their abilities and stuck living in that timeline (where abilities do not exist) for the rest of their lives, no longer able to return to the time they had jumped from or knowing what their future will entail. But it's fine, they'll make it work because they have each other, 完结. cue ED and everybody claps, believing that perhaps they are now happily living in our universe.
And that's all the TL;DR for the day. Thanks for listening and enjoy your timeline!
#Link Click#shi guang dai li ren#时光代理人#Cheng Xiaoshi#Lu Guang#*thinks too much about cartoon plots*#I hate that this show is so messy that it's hard to keep a linear thought#The mind keeps wanting to jump topics because there's just too many things to keep track of#I also do not have the strength to go rewatch the series I'm not sure I have enough patience to sit through all that filler#I like to keep a tidy ship and so my thoughts all go here#So many questions so little time!#*synco has re-entered the chat!*#I will probably reread this tomorrow to see if it makes sense but it is 12:35am
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i’m sorry to bring this up again, but i wanted to ask how are you making sense of harry having his former girlfriend’s name tattooed on his thigh if you don’t think they were really together? i’m not a larrie and i follow you for your louis content, but i respect your opinions, so i guess i’m coming more from a place of curiosity rather than seeking reassurance. do you not even entertain for one second the idea that you might’ve been wrong about things? that harry was really in a relationship with olivia? that he might actually be attracted to women? that he might’ve been with louis once upon a time but not anymore? have you ever challenged your confirmation bias? again, i’m not trying to attack you, i really just want to understand where you stand. i hope u don’t take this the wrong way.
well first of all you bring up the very good point that there are actually multiple Qs at play and not just one, despite the fandom's (and my) attempts to simplify things. I personally am open to the possibility that Harry and Louis are no longer together- we don't have enough info to say for sure either way about that, and I am constantly recalibrating and considering and I'm going to be totally honest, getting flat out ANNOYED at how often I find myself being like oh damn they ARE still (or again) together ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Because it seems so improbable and illogical! You think I don't KNOW I sound fucking crazy?! Absolutely infuriating, and yet there are just all these little Things all the time. Plus ofc the fact that they both constantly wink wink larrie stuff to the fandom which could just be playing to the crowd... except then they both continually take it that little extra way that makes me go oh but... you really didn't NEED to go THERE that seems VERY pointed?? But also sometimes I go well. Okay, maybe not. Since they both seem super happy at this point, it doesn't stress me out to think they might have split, the way it would if they seemed miserable and were still churning out heartbreak songs, but it's schrodingers relationship and with all the savvy they've acquired around this stuff and all the balls they're keeping in the air wrt to fandom etc that's unlikely to change in favor of us knowing anything for sure for a very long time, if ever. But I do not doubt that they WERE together, it's simply not realistic. The evidence of it is overwhelming and imo undeniable when taken all together. And the thing is that knowing one thing with certainty (that they were together back when), having really looked at the things that happened during that time, does actually have a lot of bearing on the rest of it even if they aren't together anymore. Because knowing that and having seen the way fake relationships to make them seem straight were managed back then means that when I see the EXACT SAME things being done in the current day, like they are working from a fucking blueprint, no, I don't look at that and think it might be real. I know that Louis and Eleanor wasn't real in... whenever they allegedly got together lol, that story still isn't even quite straight, so why would I believe they were together in 2020? And if I know Louis has a tattoo for a fake girlfriend why would it change my mind about a million things I can see with my own eyes if Harry did the same (if indeed he even has who tf knows)? So despite what I said at the beginning, in the end it kind of does just come down to the one question people are always asking, are you a larrie? Because when you've actually been down the rabbit hole of details that ends up with you saying yes to that question, it's like acquiring a rosetta stone that unlocks the ability to read everything else, like putting on xray glasses, and I look at what is so obviously a publicity relationship (holivia) and whether H and L are still together has nothing to do with why I don't think it's real. Like could a celeb relationship be both used in typical ways for publicity and be or become real on some level (looking at you Liam, heyyy), sure, but for this question the fact that I have never seen Harry show the slightest sign of attraction to a woman in his whole life and he so clearly embraces and identifies so strongly with gay male culture in every possible way and never shuts up about how much he loves cock does play into my thinking; I simply do not think he is attracted to women, no, and I have yet to see him do anything that doesn't seem consistent with things a closeted pop star might chose to do. So in conclusion yes I have challenged my bias and decided I'm right lol! But for real- all the time I consider that they perhaps aren't together but that isn't really the point when it comes to believing they are gay.
#I feel like the follow up anons to this will logically be SO WHY NOT BRAD so lemme just jump on that cause I don't really want to#have a whole thing about that#honestly for me it's WHY BRAD. It makes perfect sense for him to be with harry all the time (and therefore for them to borrow each others#jumpers yes) so why would I think they were dating any more than I think H is dating his security guard or luis. the fandom just latches#onto the idea that people around them who they think would look hot with are a thing but other than that literally NOTHING about this guy's#association with H is actually different than many other employee/pals imo and I see literally nothing that suggests anything going on ther#so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#I mean I DO think Harry has weirdly fluid boundaries around considering his employees friends in a way that seems like he doesn't#really GET the power differential possibly (because how could he he's been on that side of it his whole adult life) but I'm not there#behind the scenes with them; hopefully that's not the case#but that's a separate issue#blah blah blah#long post#I TRIED to keep it short and tidy but NO people gonna ask the long form questions#which btw I appreciate I do enjoy a good thoughtful anon thx
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🏨 gimme those blorbo rooms fdsfdsfsfsd, since it’s Pinterest can I ask for more than one? XD if so ima ask to Karimas and Shaheens OH and also Gideons (low key I know what valens/yazans looks like but its a good excuse for u to get to share) so if u want to Valens and Yazans wild be fun 😌
K BYEEE <3 😘
LOLL im glad you asked and yes i will give you all of them 😌😂😂
Karima: she’s obsessed with collecting room decor and she has a crochet corner, half of her decor is crocheted too honestly 😂 I think she also has a thing for animal print stuff esp curtains and pillow cases, she’d keep small ceramics stuff she made with daemon everywhere
Shaheen: idk why it was funny to imagine his college dorm lol he uses space very efficiently also his desk is very important 🧠
Gideon: his room is so big and so empty but he’s barely home so who cares, the only notable thing about it besides the diabolical toys collection on display is the display cabinet he keeps all his medals, plane models, pictures, uniforms etc in
Yazan: yazan’s room as you know is a Dumpster 😂 it’s impossible to find anything in there and it’s never tidy, also so many posters and records + ofc drum corner
Valen: very pretty but his room is an entire house in itself you need directions to where everything is 💀 Texas king bed with a canopy, mirror above bed/on ceiling, maximalist unique decor and very beautifully coordinated color wise. Also huge portraits of himself obviously lol
[OC headcanons: Picture Edition!]
#thank u for the ask bestie I had a blast heh 💗💗💗#rip I just thought about the amount of STUFF karima would have to move to her and daemon’s place FJSKAJSKSK#she’s also the type to keep a lot of crap just because they have some sentimental value to her but it’s literally just crap from#an outside perspective#I don’t think shaheen’s dorm room is that aesthetic but he does have a lot of hangers and organization stuff that sure keeps it tidy lol#yazan I think gets tidier when he gets with kiara#she’s seen the mess at its worst but yk KDJSKSJS he wouldn’t let her live like that is what I’m saying 😂#but it’s so funny that even tho she has seen the mess and sat in it that he cleans up a bit when she comes over after they started dating#he’s like shy I guess can’t invite your gf over and have your room in this state lol what if they want to kiss on the bed or something#sorry crush not gf* 😂 he’s better when he’s older fjsksjdkdj he has a vacuum cleaner obsession now#also ig when you’re gideon and you’re room is that empty you put everything you can on display to fill it#but I think he only puts up the stuff he’s proud to have on display#even if that includes your whips and ropes collection which is insane 💀#half of gideon’s stuff is at valen’s place too FRKEJAKSJ#such a waste of money on a penthouse’s rent and for what#you don’t even have a toothbrush in your own house#it’s so funny to me that he probably keeps using his travel size stuff bc he keeps forgetting to buy like#regular size toothpaste or something 😭😂#valen has been actively trying to get him to fully move in actually lol#he succeeded eventually lol#anyways I will not think about valen moving all of gideon’s clothes and things#to a closet in his dressing room and sitting with them and going through his stuff when he misses him#he’s usually hesitant about wearing them too besides a designated sweater or two so they don’t lose his scent#I will also not think about valen spraying those shirts with what’s left of gideon’s cologne or that he keeps buying it or the fact that he#gets mad when someone from the staff goes in to clean the closet or ppl he’s dated esp asking what’s in there#ok it’s 2:30 am so I’ll put myself on phone timeout now 😔#again! Ty for the ask bestie! djskskdkfj 💗💗💗#ocs#my ocs#ask
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FRESH NAILS LETS GOOOOO
#they look so hot they’re so long and pointy. im gonna GET you#I’ve had such a productive day I finally cleaned up my revision pit that I left behind when I went home#so finally tidied my room and washed my dishes and emptied my bin and cleaned my surfaces etc#and then I got my nails done which is of course SUCH a slay#and then i went to boots and my mate has a loyalty card with student discount on it that i copped#tell me how i got hair dye (this alone was £8) body wash shampoo conditioner and a hair mask ALL for £13. insane bargains from me#and then i finally FINALLY did a big shop bc I’ve fully not done one since coming back after xmas#im so accomplished let’s gooo#honestly i feel really restless and like I’m staving off an inevitable episode bc I just feel soooo ough and unsettled#and it’s always Bad when it gets like this but if i just keep doing things and ignoring it then everything will be fine! 😄#about to have a FAT bath. nothing is wrong with me#hella goes to uni
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i am going to finish this all tonight. i am. i am going to stave off the wave of awfulness and im going to finish and tidy and its all going to be perfect and tomorrow im going to be able to start on all the projects ive been thinking about. its going to happen it cant not.
#things go rapidly downhill#sorry lads its cool there will be more izzy posting soon i promise. your bitch just has to manage to do this first#nyxtalks#fucking. incredible i cant keep 4x3m of space tidy and organised. arent i so fucking good#its literally fine i promise.im just. theres bad vibes going on and im not winning#im gonna like. change something up and then im going to do it#(or im going to keep sitting here achieving jack shit. yay)
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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i just saw the worst take about melinoe that mischaracterized her completely and it pissed me off so bad . exploding that person in my mind
#aaghhhh they called her boring and too prim and proper AND GRGRHTHGRGRRRR#'why does she fret about her herb and mushroom jars' 'she has the weight of a war on her shoulders why is she so calm'#THERE ARE MULTIPLE POINTS IN THE GAME WHERE SHE EXPRESSES HOW STRESSED AND PRESSURED SHE FEELS#MAYBE SHE FEELS PRESSURED TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES AND GIVE HOPE TO PEOPLE BC SO MANY PEOPLE DEPEND ON HER AND SHE DOESNT WANNA DISAPPOINT!#MAYBE SHE GETS NITPICKY ABOUT HER JARS BEING MISPLACED IS BC THATS ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS SHE HAS CONTROL OF! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!#'oh why cant they make a girl character that curses and isnt prim and proper' MAYBE IF YOU LOOKED PAST YOUR DUMB INTERPRETATION OF HER PERSO#i need to calm down#more edit#HER BEING NEAT AND TIDY IS ALSO A FOIL TO ZAGREUS WHO WAS MESSY!#GODDD SHUT UPPPP#also they had the worst opinion abt the combat#like sorry you just have bad taste if you dont think hades 2's combat system is even cooler than hades 1#like fuck you its the same but with even more added moves. fuck off
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No but imagine what Crowley coming back from a 4 years nap would look like:
He could wake up on the ceiling (maybe we will finally get a glorious sleeping on the wall scene?) and fall on the bed like a stranded fish, with rapunzelian hair flying everywhere. Imagine the potential for comedy: maybe Aziraphale is calling him, or some poor unfortunate salesman is trying to sell him something at the door and is greeted by a friggin’ Samara-ish red haired monstrosity that glares at him with big yellow snake eyes from the depths of the tangled mane. Poor sod would never try selling anything ever again, not even a pin.
#I know that probably we will not get even 1% of waking up comedy#but a woman can dream#I would like for s2 to be lighter and also show some more magic/supernatural powers#we're talking about 2 supernatural beings#being comfortable in their human skin but still magical#I'd like more casual bouts of demonic/angelic shenanigans#even ones where they don't even realize they're doing it#like things that always keep themselves tidy or fridges that never spoil food#just domestic magic really#good omens#spoilers I guess#spoilers#S2#s2 spoilers#not really just speculation#I mean can Crowley waking up from The Nap (TM) really be considered a spoiler lmao#are people out there who think he will spend 6 episodes sleeping peacefully while Azi consorts with the enemy#jk#no consorting with Gabriel#please#I'm scared that Neil's wait and see to the sexy times could mean something deeply unsettling#wait and unsee#in that case#why are my tags always longer than my posts#stream of consciousness has nothing on me#silly headcanons#babbel babbles
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Would the human pets be capable of basic tasks like washing their clothes or preparing food? I can see some pets knowing how to prepare food as like, a fun little party trick to impress others, but as a basic survival skill I don't think it's commonly taught to humans anymore. There's most likely a line drawn between pets that are helpful and reliable, and pets that are too capable, to the point where certain owners may feel threatened by their level of intelligence and independence. I wonder just how helpless the humans would be without their aliens.
#alien stage#alnst#rambles#my take is this: hyuna is completely independent and knows every basic survival skill (a long process of learning if she was self-taught)#but afterwards she taught every single recruit how to take care of themselves.#i think hyuna would be the closest to a normal functioning adult in terms of skillset among the main cast#mizi would know how to prepare certain foods but only very simple ones#im not sure if till would know how to do anything properly but he's at least resourceful enough to keep himself going on his own#(since it seems like Guardian Urak leaves him to fend for himself most of the time)#Ivan would know how to do a lot of things in theory but has most likely never performed them himself#and i think sua and luka perform very decorative trophy-esque roles to their owners#so they wouldn't really know how to do anything other than what they're trained to excel at#of course theyre smart people so theyd pick it up eventually#but as of now they probably dont know how to cook or wash or properly clean aside from the basics of tidying after themselves#especially since sua is stated to constantly be in a daze with no plans#and luka as a kid seemed in his own world most of the time#THIS IS JUST ME THO LOL my opinions are bound to change eventually im jist#im just speculating and headcanoning for funsies
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For the love of all things beyond human comprehension can someone please please just tell me what is wrong with my brain and why I act and think like this and why nobody has ever thought I’m normal except when they’re trying to deny that there’s something wrong
#cyberr speaks#vent#rant#brain#there is something wrong with me#✨psychologically✨#and I need help that I will never get#gods I just want to know what it is#I’m so tired of always playing this guessing game#of#‘is my inability to keep my room tidy just laziness or a mental block of some kind’#of ‘why can’t I just stay focused for one second’#of ‘oh hell I just zoned out’#of ‘I’ve been surpressing this thing for so long that I no longer know if it’s a real thing i experience#or if I’m just making it up’#of ‘is this a melt down or I’m really just that weak as to cry all the time’#of ‘why am#getting these thoughts. they’re not me’#of ‘why aren’t I like them. why don’t people like me. why can’t I just act like them. why do they think I’m weird. what’s wrong with me’#what’s wrong with me#always the same question#over and over and over and over#and over#again
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Crafting hubris brain is a terrible thing to have, and it is Exceedingly funny to me that I'm currently experiencing the 'I could build that...' urge towards. Jayce's huge fuck-off hammer in Arcane which is, notably, a fine example of in-universe Just Because You Can Make A Thing Doesn't Mean You Should
#and the thing is that i know that i Could#i absolutely could build that thing i've halfway worked out how to do it already#just idly in the back of my mind#the only constraint is space (where the hell would i keep a 7 foot hammer and also that's kind of hard to make at a desk)#(but we do have a spare room i could tidy up and claim as a workspace...)#and finding the time in amongst Everything Else that i should be doing instead#but. I could. and i kind of really want to...#i don't even cosplay! i just like Building Stuff#and i've always wanted an excuse to figure out how to put LEDs in stuff#maybe i'll just diagram the thing and see if that gets the urge out of my brain#it won't it'll just make the problem worse. but. Why Not...#personal stuff#also yes i'm bonkers about arcane again s2 is So Good so far
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#brother i am convinced i was not built to be alive#i was supposed to die at 16 of appendicitis the way god intended#everything is so stressful and i have an anxiety disorder and high blood pressure and zero support from anyone in my life#just me and my shitty trembling body against the world#ive been shaking and my hearts been racing and my vision has been blurry all day#im the only motherfucker here who bothers to clean or do anything to improve our living situation#ive been battling this flea infestation alone for months now#trying to get everyone to play ball long enough to flea bomb the house today was life on insane mode i am convinced#i had to bribe everyone into leaving by 11am by handing over my bank card so they could buy snacks while i went to my dr appointment#of course all the cleaning pre-bombing was done by me#i asked my sister to tidy her room and she did not so like whatever. if the flea bomb dodnt work in there like what do i even do#she actually waited until id cleaned every other fucking room in the house and then made MORE mess in those rooms#i asked my mother to do 2 things#she did neither of course <3#im so tired and in pain#and im pretty sure we are still going to have fleas anyway#im just one disabled man#i cant keep house for 5 other grown adults#what do i even pay my parents housekeeping for anyway?#dogbunni diary log
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