#i know i'm not really an adult yet

[halfdeadwallfly]

three months until i get to go back to school. i can deal with three months.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

finally at that age where i'm thinking i should get a tattoo. not bc i feel strongly about it, just seems like a waste not to. i've got so much skin i'm not using

[ominous-feychild]

Guys I literally JUST realized a thing about my autism/masking/alexithymia. I noticed there was an alexithymia tag here on tumblr and when I investigated, there was this one post listing these symptoms:

and I just--

I've had these exact, MAJOR struggles through my whole life for one.

But for two, and what's really interesting in my opinion...

Yesterday, I was having a video call with my mom. I've been off of some medications that I'm supposed to be taking because of financial issues, so my mental is NOT in a great place and I've had NO spoons for the past month. But while on call with her, she seriously, unironically, asked me if I thought I really needed the meds. Because, apparently, I "wasn't acting like I needed them" or something like that. And I'm sure I don't need to explain why that pissed me tf off.

But, like... at the time, the closest thing I could come up with for an answer was that "I have no spoons and no energy to do anything"; "I lived 17 years without meds, I kind-of know how to fake it"; and "I haven't had much socializing lately, so I have enough Social Energy™ to fake being okay right now."

Now that I'm not being put on the spot and after reading that post, I'm slowly figuring out that I've always done this. I mean, I've obviously always struggled to describe my own emotions and need to analyze my physical reactions to figure them out, but like. I'm just now starting to realize that I've really struggled to describe exactly how I'm "feeling bad" or, in fact, that I am feeling bad at all.

I mean, again, considering the alexithymia, that last part is a given. But it's kinda putting into perspective exactly how I've always had to understand "I don't have the energy to do anything" or "it's incredibly difficult to do anything" or "something deep inside of me feels Wrong™ and I can neither address nor identify it". I'd just passively have those "feelings" and struggle to continue life despite them.

It brings back thoughts of my struggles with masking, and how I was never diagnosed with autism as a child. Looking back, it should've been incredibly obvious. I had SO many of the tell-tale signs. But I guess it wasn't today, and there wasn't anywhere near as much awareness of what those signs were... but really. Textbook.

I'm sure my masking made it more difficult to recognize the signs as I got older. Hell, I even read over different "autism diagnosis checklist"s countless times, thinking to myself "oh wow it's a lot like me!... exceeeeeptttt--" and moved on from there.

I keep digressing. My point is, since discovering my autism and how it was hidden by masking, I've always wondered where my mask ends and where I begin. Most of the time, I feel like I feel nothing, even when I'm not depressed. I've been told I don't show my emotions, like when I'm happy (aka my chest is light and I feel free). That, or people can't tell when I like/dislike them (though that's partially a trauma thing). Other times, I've been told I'm smiling when I didn't even realize I was happy, much less that I was actually smiling. Some people have told me I'm incredibly easy to read, that my emotions show very clearly. But how can they when I feel like I feel nothing?

Which leads me back to what I said earlier, my conversation with my mother. How she asked if I actually need my meds because "I don't seem like I do". I guess I kind-of understand now, why she might've seen it that way. Do most people always show signs of how they actually feel? And how does the fact that I "don't feel" effect what I show?

I've wondered about that for a while. How much of how I act is because I was trained to, one way or another? How much of the emotion I show is because I learned to? Do I even show the emotions I feel? I really can't know because the people I know irl, who would better be able to tell me how I act, aren't understanding of any of these things. My older sister is lowkey ableist and thinks she sees the grand plan of the universe, my mother is too "pull yourself up by the bootstraps!!!" to accept Spoon Theory or mental health struggles, and just about everyone else in my life comes and goes as quickly as the wind.

Anyhow, this was a long rant that I've kinda had half-formed thoughts about for a while. Thanks for reading, hopefully this can help or entertain whoever stumbles upon this?

[sciderman]

(Idk if someone asked this already) since we’re on the topic of gender

sci what is gender to you and how do you see it in you and how you express it in your art?? (Just a young queer artist who wants some light shined upon them 🥺)

i 'unno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[honeylemonbutte]

OC-tober 2023, Day 8: Past & Day 31: Costume (LOL, no rules!!!) (bweird prompt list)

October - happy birthday B. Warrick & happy birthday to my MC, January Cohen. Her birthday is on Oct 30th and she frequently celebrates it on Halloween, for one big spooky birthday bash.

Back to the present:

Fernweh Saga by @lacunafiction

[petrow1tch]

They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands

[fluffykitteninabox]

listen I don't care what new lore nightbringer gives us or how it recontextualises the brothers' relationships

Mammon raised Satan and you pry this headcanon away from my cold dead hands!!

[momentomori24]

Brazilian Hatsune Miku becoming the biggest trend on Twitter only for Brazilians to get banned not even a week after that only for that rancid app to transform into an inescapable cesspool of incest (roleplay) discourse not even a week after that is one of the funniest, weirdest and most upsetting chain of events I have witnessed in real time online. We're in the darkest timeline, man.

[blackasmyhangryfurrybrokensoul]

It's hard realizing that I'll never stop feeling lonely, and that I'll never have anyone to turn to/comfort me/tell me things will be okay

[rainbowthefox]

Am I watching Mary Shelley's Frankenhole for the sole fact that they establish Griffin, The Invisible Man, to be absolutely HUNG ???

Yeah.

( Episode: Franz Kafka's Jealousy, 4:00 timestamp )

[silverselfshippingchaos]

this h.ikari voice line... AHSU3UJSHAJSH

[neverfittedin]

It's weekend, yay!!

[morhath]

lady at the store: and are you into fantasy? this is a local author, the book is in the young adult genre--

me: yeah I think at this point I've definitively aged out of that range :)

lady at the store: oh, you look like you're the right age!

me:

me: yeah I get that. a lot actually.

[windsweptskies]

girlies i miss rping

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

i guess the reason so many books featuring trans characters have them able to go stealth and make it so other characters don't know they're trans unless they say something is because that's an escapist fantasy for many trans authors who don't get that and want to imagine what it's like to live in a world where you don't get misgendered on sight every single day, and because they don't want to write about the latter (very fair)

but also when these are YA books it depends on the characters being able to medically transition at like 14 and i have literally never in my life met a single person who was able to do that (partly because I live in the UK where you can't and also I am old enough that for people my age, coming out as a preteen would've been way harder and rarer than it would be for current teen-aged protagonists)

so idk. i would like to read a book with trans characters who feel like real people living in the real world occasionally. it's hard to walk a path when you never get to see other people do it first and never get to witness it safely in fiction before you experience it IRL, and only ever seeing people walk roads that don't even exist in your reality doesn't really help at all tbh

[v-tired-queer]

Didn't think I would hate staying home all day as much as I do, but here I am, absolutely despising it.