#i know i'm not really an adult yet
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three months until i get to go back to school. i can deal with three months.
#boink#it's been two weeks and it's already just so taxing#like school is stressful too but at least it's sort of self contained#at least i'm somewhat in control of things#i know i'm not really an adult yet#but the last two semesters of relative independence#well i appreciated being able to just do things#like being able to decide when to eat#going places without having to wait to get approval first#like obviously i had a rough school year#but at least the consequences and events were organic#like i could fuck up my classes without having to come home to people getting mad at me for arbitrary things#like my mom just got mad at me bc i knocked on the bathroom door to loud#i'm anxious atm bc the house fan is on and the noise stresses me out so maybe i did knock too loud idk#but anyway she comes into my room and starts freaking out about anger management issues#which yeah honestly true enough#but like. not about this?#i am just overstimulated fam#i wasn't angry and i didn't even interact with anyone before i got shit for wanting to close my door and calm down a little#so anyway#stuff like that#little decisions and motions and things#i just prefer being on my own ig
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finally at that age where i'm thinking i should get a tattoo. not bc i feel strongly about it, just seems like a waste not to. i've got so much skin i'm not using
#feels so selfish like. all this skin what am i saving it for?#open to design suggestions! (please make me regret this offer)#maybe some deep sea horrors. a pretty watercolor of a gulper eel#once saw a person on the subway with various Skeleton Tattoos on all their limbs#i respected their commitment to the theme#but more than that i respected how all the skeletons were engaged in Activities#dancing in a ballgown. juggling its own (and two other???) skulls. swordfighting. being a mermaid skeleton#ANYWAY. the only reason i haven't already gotten tattoos is i just couldn't be bothered#i'm old enough to know i don't have any strong-but-potentially-temporary feelings driving me towards it#aesthetically i prefer decorated to non-decorated surfaces. but i'm not artistic or thrilled with commitment#honestly it feels like sheer laziness. indecisiveness--nay. immaturity!--that i HAVEN'T gotten a tattoo yet#letting all this blank canvas go to waste. tut tut i need to grow up and be an adult and get a tattoo sleeve already.#really i've put off my responsibilities long enough#(in fairness i DID at one time have 18 different piercings)#(but i took most of them out bc they interfere with wearing headphones and/or shoving my face in my pillow during Sleep Time)#(i only kept the nape piercing bc oddly enough it ended up being the most convenient. and the least painful to get now i think about it.)#(neck piercing? no problem. normal pair of earrings? Tribulations And Suffering. i don't make the rules i just poke them with a stick.)
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(Idk if someone asked this already) since we’re on the topic of gender
sci what is gender to you and how do you see it in you and how you express it in your art?? (Just a young queer artist who wants some light shined upon them 🥺)
i 'unno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#gender is soup#sci speaks#i'm so sorry i know you might hope for something profound but... i think when i'm put on the spot like this i can't say anything really#i think whatever i am is definitely pervasive in everything i write#but like.. gender means something different to wade than it does for peter.#just like it'll be different for everybody. we make different associations based on our experiences and our trauma.#like.. wade associates femininity with love. because of his mother. associates masculinity with violence. because of his father.#peter associates masculinity with responsibility. because of uncle ben. associates femininity with confidence. because of aunt may.#i think there's all kinds of reasons why we choose to present the way we do. and what gender means to us.#just like we'll associate a colour with something. or a smell with a memory. it's complicated.#i don't think i'm some kind of expert on gender things but... i just find it interesting to explore. the psychology of it.#i don't think it's supernatural. it doesn't come from nowhere. but it should be a playground.#i don't think anyone in this world should be restricted to a certain role to play. i want to try all the roles and see how it fits.#see how well i can play them.#maybe because i haven't found one that quite fits. so i want the opportunity to try whatever i can. see what feels right.#i think it would be fun to be a wife. i think it would be fun to be a husband. i think it would be fun to be a firefighter. i think it wo#shrugs. different outfits for every day. different roles to play.#today i'd like to try...#i think it's like kids learning how to be adults by playing pretend. by playing roles.#i'm learning more about myself and other people and fitting into the world by trying on different roles.#kids playing house. you be the mom. i'll be the dad. yadda yadda.#i still feel like a bit of a kid who hasn't figured out how to be an adult yet. so i'm still trying out roles to see what fits.
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OC-tober 2023, Day 8: Past & Day 31: Costume (LOL, no rules!!!) (bweird prompt list)
October - happy birthday B. Warrick & happy birthday to my MC, January Cohen. Her birthday is on Oct 30th and she frequently celebrates it on Halloween, for one big spooky birthday bash.
Back to the present:
Fernweh Saga by @lacunafiction
#help i'm drawing#oc-tober#fernweh saga#if you can't read it - it says chalenge 1: who has the best costume#chalenge 2: who can get the most candy#small january cannot spell a big word like challenge yet#winner gets to decide the sleepover movie#you know I could have waited til the proper day to post day 31 but these fit together really nicely#also#january never had a real birthday cake until she was an adult. she's always associated buckets of candy with her birthday
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listen I don't care what new lore nightbringer gives us or how it recontextualises the brothers' relationships
Mammon raised Satan and you pry this headcanon away from my cold dead hands!!
#I mean there's already contradictions since the flashback where mammon tells Luci that he made sure everyone is ok#and that he has no regrets about following him takes place in the HOL#but in nightbringer they start out living in the Damon lord's castle and then they move out#and by the time they're in the HOL they seem more settled than what that flashback implied#it would be weird for it to happen after because the brothers are acting mostly as we know them just less confident#they should still be grieving heavily if the flashback happens now#am I overthinking this? yes#has the story contradicted itself before? also yes!#but am I going to stop?#ABSOLUTELY NOT!#I haven't even decided in my mind if Satan formed as a full adult or a baby that grew really REALLY fast#but Mammon raised him and you cannot convince me otherwise!#I'm probably missing lore because I haven't even finished the main game yet and in nightbringer I'm on lesson 4 but I don't care!#obey me#obey me nightbringer#obey me satan#obey me mammon
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why can't anyone understand that everyone is different and not everyone likes the same things and that it's completely okay AND normal for someone not to like going out and preferring to stay at home :/
#honestly i understand that my parents care about me and they don't want me to be feeling bad#and that they ask me bc they just want to make sure i'm okay#but i've explained to them what i feel like and they just don't get and i get mad but i akso know it's not their fault and just... oughhhhh#like yeah i have a weird kind of social anxiety according to my therapist and even she doesn't know exactly how to help me yet#but there are just so many reasons behind why i don't like going out and it's not just bc it gives me anxiety#or why those situations give me anxiety in the forst place#1. i'm just a very introverted person that doesn't like going out#2. crowded places/closed spaces/places where there's not enough ventilation/loud places (be it people talking or just music) overwhelme me#3. all said in 2 + flashing lights give me huge migraines that can linger for over 3 days#4. i am very much a night owl and i'm forced to live in a society where that isn't fucking acceptable apparently and i'm called lazy for -#- not being productive in the morning when the only reason behind it is that i am a lot more productive at night#but no one ket's me do that bc 'why are you doing stuff when you're supposed to be asleep?'#i have been the same since i was little. literally nothing has changed#and people where always like 'oh she's just shy'#but idk wtf changed#maybe it was that i became and 'adult' or maybe the fact that i started therapy and they told my parents that i have social anxiety. idk#but suddenly every single person in my family is worried about it and they're genuinely making me feel like there's smth wrong about me#i mean. i have my problems i'm not gonna go telling you that i'm perfect bc i'm pretty much not#but is there really smth that wrong with me that i need to fix#or is society just a bitch that doesn't understand that there's different kinds of people and everyone is different & IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY#have they ever thought about the fact that maybe these situations cause me anxiety bc i've been forced all my life to do them#even if i don't like them#instead of thinking that i don't like them BC they cause me anxiety??#i mean. i know i have to go out more and that there's tons of things i can do ofc#but you can't just force me to do things i don't want to and put on a good face while doing it *every.fucking.day*#aaaaand i could add a lot more things but i'm once again reaching the tag limit so i shoukd just shut up#it's just driving me crazy bc i know they're trying to help but it really is not helping at all.............#ranting
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lady at the store: and are you into fantasy? this is a local author, the book is in the young adult genre--
me: yeah I think at this point I've definitively aged out of that range :)
lady at the store: oh, you look like you're the right age!
me:
me: yeah I get that. a lot actually.
#I am an adult who is young (?) but if we're talking about The Young Adult Genre that's like. eighteen max for the main characters.#I cannot fucking handle that shit anymore unless it's REALLY good or it's a nostalgia read#so it's a situation of either she doesn't know what YA actually means or she does and is really immensely misreading my age#both very possible. I was mistaken for a high school student earlier this year.#but seriously I am no longer at the age where being mistaken for a teen is flattering it's just weird#actually now that I think about it once I got out of my teens I don't think I was ever flattered by being mistaken for a teen#I was only ever flattered by that when I was not yet a teen and I looked older than my age#oh my god I'm like a vampire. stuck looking like I'm 18 forever. someone stake me.#life#books
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girlies i miss rping
#oh the things being an adult does...#i don't feel different from when i was 16 but so much has changed#some for the better#others...#i don't know if i can say it's really for the worse#but i haven't rped much since i moved from home#miss that#yet it feels so hard to return#what do the people i used to write with think of me?#who are these newer folk?#I'm sure they're nice but i've never stopped being shy and easily frightened#so here i am#awake at 1:40 am and wondering what i've done to myself to make it like this#to make myself feel like a stranger in groups i used to be so close knit with#or. at least i thought i was
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i guess the reason so many books featuring trans characters have them able to go stealth and make it so other characters don't know they're trans unless they say something is because that's an escapist fantasy for many trans authors who don't get that and want to imagine what it's like to live in a world where you don't get misgendered on sight every single day, and because they don't want to write about the latter (very fair)
but also when these are YA books it depends on the characters being able to medically transition at like 14 and i have literally never in my life met a single person who was able to do that (partly because I live in the UK where you can't and also I am old enough that for people my age, coming out as a preteen would've been way harder and rarer than it would be for current teen-aged protagonists)
so idk. i would like to read a book with trans characters who feel like real people living in the real world occasionally. it's hard to walk a path when you never get to see other people do it first and never get to witness it safely in fiction before you experience it IRL, and only ever seeing people walk roads that don't even exist in your reality doesn't really help at all tbh
#i have mostly only read fantasy and historical adult books with trans protags#aside from Confessions of the Fox i guess. which is still 50% historical#but i never come across contemporary-set adult books with trans protagonists#compared to the growing contemporary trans YA scene#this may be that i am looking in the wrong places#but i can more easily find historical trans romance than a novel with a relatable 20 or 30something transmasc protag#oh i did read detransition baby i guess. but it didn't really speak to me for various reasons#(most of them to do with me being trans in a different direction but not all of them)#anyway idk. i read a lot of YA because a lot of my friends write YA and it is easy for me to find things#but even though i am glad there are trans YA books now I can't relate to them at all#i guess because I didn't know i was trans as a teenager#so the trans teenager experience is always inherently one i did not have#i am looking for something that will never be what i need it to be#i want coming of age and self discovery and all that because I don't feel like I've DONE it yet in gender terms#that's why i want the YA vibes but. i guess as a 27yo still trying to do that I'm not going to find it there. not meaningfully#so i need novels about adults coming of age and figuring shit out and being newborn baby trans adults i guess. where are those#and nobody is allowed to be cool in those books because i am unable to continue reading about cool people sorry#néide has opinions about books
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Didn't think I would hate staying home all day as much as I do, but here I am, absolutely despising it.
#thinking about saying fuck it and trying to work one more time#i haven't tried receptionist work yet and there's some openings in my area that pay well#but i have no idea how to start that conversation with my mother#who relies on me for financial support#what am i supposed to say?#'hey mom i know we had to wait months for me to even get an initial appointment with SSI but i'm really think this job could work out'#'so i'm going to cancel my appointments and apply for receptionist jobs instead'#ugh#i hate adulting#kit's diary 6 🖊#disabled#disability#chronic disability#disabled adult#disabled queer#spoonie
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okay rambles but i started creatively writing in like ... 5th grade? and. oh god just a little encouragement to anyone looking to get into writing or insecure or whatnot, but HELLS, maybe it's to he expected with my (obviously) very young age and inexperience with writing then, but my writing was really. yeah. Yeah. but then i'm what... a lot older now, obviously, and my writing has gotten leagues better. i'm probably not a good example for this bcs childhood years development stuff are different etc etc BUT practicing writing more and whatnot really does go a long way :]
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#my writing in 2020 is a lot different than my writing now even! especially so compared to my writing from 2010s#reading a lot of media is also really important :] i always read a lot of books BUT i only started to really read poetry since the pandemic#which were uh basically my early teenage years so idk if i'm a good example for this bcs childhood brain development and stuff (???)#BUT STILL ..... playing games like ffxiv and being really invested in the lore and writing + reading more poems and being fascinated with#more authors and pieces of literature + expanding my general vocabulary knowledge whatnot ... it all really goes a long way!#oh man i'm pretty proud of myself actually. i do love my writing. as imperfect (as all things are) it is.#i had a lot of Pauses with writing throughout my uhh relatively short life thus far since i'm NOT yet an adult and all aha but yeah!#so bless ffxiv again for bringing back my writing spirit... and other medias and whatever <3#rn i have to thank bg3 for bringing back my Creative Spirit bcs i've been writing a lot more again and having/working on my creative ideas!!#okay i just wanted to ramble a bit lol ^_^ there!#idk my being a writer is very important to me. and my journey as one too.#i want to make a book one day! most feasibly would be to make a collection of short stories :] a bit similar to 'm is for magic' maybe bcs#i grew up with that lol neil gaiman i adore you <3#i have a very special original world in my head but i am a little selfish and want to keep them all to myself... oops. or who knows!#anyway i have a lot of ideas and i adore writing and literature sooo much <3#anyway. okay. leaving it here.#cheering on every writer author whatever out there !!! unless you're a sucky person of course yuck bigots but yeah ^^ <3#huge writing inspo for me is uhhhhhhhh. thinking#ffxiv! does ffxiv count. esp drk quests. and shb as a whole. and then... edgar allan poe? neil gaiman? yeah?#can't remember anyone else good gods but i love vivid and imaginative storytelling and writing descriptively :] a bit of prose but also#quite simple in its eloquence (???) unsure honestly oh gods anyway BYE rambles over apollo signing off beep boop AGHHHHH (screams)
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There's got to be something said about Kaeya just completely throwing the notion of Crepus' legacy in Diluc's face straight up only because Diluc tried to tell him to drink responsibly.
#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Rewatching things and I#//Bruh; that was SO out of pocket and for what. LUC WASN'T EVEN BEING MEAN ABT IT#//Venti's story quest; that's what I'm in particular mulling over rn#//I just find it a little funny#//They had absolutely NO relevance in that quest save to show adults don't have imaginary friends#//And yet Kae just does That. Was it a kneejerk reaction? Tryna rile Luc up on purpose?? WHY he do it???#//And what gets me more is Luc's reaction to it#//Mans doesn't even get really annoyed or anything; just confused and exasperated#//Like maybe he Does agree; does feel like he did throw away Crepus' legacy in getting rid of those things & their old home#//But unlike Kae; he's not all that hung up abt them; prolly knowing it was good for helping him move on#//He gets a lil huffy when Kae brings up the vase tho gsvhff#//Y'know; the ugly af vase Kae gave him when he brought back his vision in the manhwa?#//That; I find so funny#//So getting accused of faulting Crepus' legacy is whatever; but Kae tryna see if Luc treats him/his gifts as disposable too is a No#//hdbgdjg#//THAT'S where he draws the line???#//And then Luc has the NERVE to get Annoyed when Kae doesn't wanna stay for dinner in Ballads & Brews; like b r uh#//The fucken communication issues on these two clowns; I swear
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in october i read my brilliant friend by elena ferrante and then the story of a new name by elena ferrante and then those who leave and those who stay by elena ferrante and then the story of the lost child by elena ferrante and i was like i hadn't loved a book like this since i was like 16 will i ever find anything i like this much ever again. and i still haven't i don't even really enjoy her other books
#the english titles are so awkward like i kind of get it because the og doesn't have the story in the title for the first book either and i#understand not doing the story of those who leave and those who stay very long. but in french there's no the story of for any of them and#it's much better!#and like i say: brf slt#by december 1st i had read all 4 books twice like i was so obsessed#i haven't watched the show yet i want to i just haven't but i want to i think i will like after i finish watching what i'm watching rn i#hope i like it#and i've read other books i really enjoyed i've read other books i loved. but none that i connected with like that💔#but anyway. i've read basically all her other novels i read troubling love first since that was her first novel i was like hm. then i read#the lying life of adults and i actually really enjoyed it for maybe the first half or for like two thirds of the book like it had potential#and then? i don't know what happened. the last 50 pages especially made me so mad i was like literally what is this. why do we care about#this why are you ending the novel on this??/!?.#then i read the days of abandonment because i wanted to see if i liked it! i did not. i liked it more than troubling love but less than the#lying life of adults. i just started reading the lost daughter today because i'm a completionist and i'm actually liking it fine maybe#because i've seen the movie so i knew what to expect? idk. but it's so frustrating like the neapolitan novels were literary perfection to#me and her other novels are like very average i don't even enjoy them and they're all short like less than 200 pages (except for the lying#life of adults) that's why i finished them and kept reading them. i was also just curious like why am i not liking it!!!!#but i actually know why it's maybe two different things? the neapolitan novels are about two women it's about their relationship and theres#a lot of things about men in the books but still it's all about the two girls while the others are all about one main woman?#except the lying life of adults which is about a girl and her aunt and i think that's why i liked it more at the beginning.#there's that and there's maybe also the fact that we start in my brilliant friend when they're kids and then we see them grow up whereas#in her other books it's like adult women going through...something. again except for the lying life of adults. i didn't#like that one for different reasons it's different because it's from after the neapolitan novels the others are from before. but anyway#it's not like i'm incapable of reading books about adults but yeah i think the coming of age aspect is what made me me like my brilliant#friend and sequels so much like especially in relation to boys and men like just the way it goes is so good. like lila marrying redacted.#very bad but yk it's just all very good#and i also just don't like the style as much? like there's some things i liked or thought were okay+ in the neapolitan novels that are much#more prominent in her other works and when it's not in lila and elena's story it's just not good to me like it's actually bad#anyway. i'm halfway through the lost daughter because it's only 176 pages long and i'm actually having an okay time. but yeah#and it's been less than six months it's not like it's a lost cause or anything and i HAVE read other books i REALLY liked but...
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Y'know I come across like, self-deprecating stuff in my archive and I think about deleting it and I'm deciding against it because it's kind of a reminder of how far I've come y'know? From the 13 year old who didn't think she'd make it to 16, to the 15 year old who got so depressed they didn't think they'd make it to 16, to the 16 year old who thought he wouldn't make it until 18, to me now, 19, being excited at the prospect of being 20! Hey Andy!!! Things got better like people said they would!! Isn't that so cool?? You found your name, your friends, what you want to do, what you enjoy doing, you want to live more than anything now. You're doing your best and I know it's hard that no one seems to recognise it but you're gonna make it through no matter how bleak it all seems!! You're doing good, and you're going to do better. I do not miss being you.
#sorry sorry it's 5am I'm sappy posting about child me again#people are too fucking mean about teenagers still btw#Like the other month I saw a post that was like 'reblog when you went through your hardest experience'#and someone on there tagged '15. only a few days ago but yeah' and OP reblogged the tags being like 'Sorry but this is so funny'#like hey. I'm an adult now. not for long yet but like. I would still point to -#- Whatever the fuck happened between the ages of 14 - 16 as the hardest years of my life.#and seeing that just. how normalised it is to shit on teenagers feelings still like. god.#yeah needless to say I did NOT like that post#I know I have some younger people following me and I need you all to know that your feelings are so fucking real.#And it really sucks that you still exist in a society that still dismisses you the way it does. You'll make it through#gwahhh okay okay back to what I was doing lol#(should be going to bed but it's not o7)#Android.txt
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Now that I gave my family their Christmas gifts, I can now enter a bookstore and gift myself (very generously) 🤗
#i forbid myself to enter a bookstore before Christmas because#I'm supposed to buy books for other people#but i end up buying myself 100€ of books and i still have none for anybody else lmao#but hey#it's over#plus I read regularly this year#and my reading is now more regular#so i deserve every single book i want#plus i really really want the fifth season#i have my eyes on this book for a while#we have it on the kobo account#but in English#and I'm not feeling comfortable to read adult fantasy in English yet#ya is fine#but geology in English yeah no lmao#also i want the physical copy#anyway i have long ass wishlist#obviously nobody ever gift books for Christmas cause i have too much for people to know which ones i already have#not even i know lmao#while tidying my apartment I'm gonna get rid of some#and make an excel sheet before I end up buying something I already have lmao#anyway i love my gifts#but gifting myself is a personal reward i love to do for some reason#and i don't do it often#misc
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i am allowed to both be delighted and content with the way my evening went and how lovely it was to be around friends, and also be really upset over the fact that i cannot do much without intense and great pain.
#like tonight was super fucking pleasant!#i really enjoy hanging out with people and talking and meeting new folks and just having a Nice Time!#it's one of my favorite things is to Hang Out with a group of people#and i just...i just#it is hard not to feel like i'm being punished for having fun#but that's apparently more rooted in my trauma than i initially realized#and also it just...does kind of feel like a punishment like you're allowed to have fun#so long as you can handle the QUENCIES#and i'm like my *guy* i just.#i didn't get to hang out with people as a kid can i please get to have friends now as an adult like a normal people finally?#preferably without needing to brace up and have the heating pad on while i wait for the meds to do work#and i'm allowed to be mad about this!!! i am allowed to be so upset!!!!#and i am!!! i am incredibly upset by this!!!!!#this is also just How It Is and i don't have a way to fix it yet#and i don't know if there *is* a way to fix it at all#so i just... just gotta deal#doesn't even get into the fact that i had to save up spoons not just to hang out but also to watch a Favorite Thing#and that i didn't realize how many spoons Favorite Thing was going to take out of me and now i'm out of spoons#so imight not be able to hang out tomorrow with friends again and i *wanna*#i'm not even sure i'll have enough energy to continue watching Favorite Thing like !!!!!!#this is so bullshit#i hate this
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