#after I got my diagnosis

[ominous-feychild]

Guys I literally JUST realized a thing about my autism/masking/alexithymia. I noticed there was an alexithymia tag here on tumblr and when I investigated, there was this one post listing these symptoms:

and I just--

I've had these exact, MAJOR struggles through my whole life for one.

But for two, and what's really interesting in my opinion...

Yesterday, I was having a video call with my mom. I've been off of some medications that I'm supposed to be taking because of financial issues, so my mental is NOT in a great place and I've had NO spoons for the past month. But while on call with her, she seriously, unironically, asked me if I thought I really needed the meds. Because, apparently, I "wasn't acting like I needed them" or something like that. And I'm sure I don't need to explain why that pissed me tf off.

But, like... at the time, the closest thing I could come up with for an answer was that "I have no spoons and no energy to do anything"; "I lived 17 years without meds, I kind-of know how to fake it"; and "I haven't had much socializing lately, so I have enough Social Energy™ to fake being okay right now."

Now that I'm not being put on the spot and after reading that post, I'm slowly figuring out that I've always done this. I mean, I've obviously always struggled to describe my own emotions and need to analyze my physical reactions to figure them out, but like. I'm just now starting to realize that I've really struggled to describe exactly how I'm "feeling bad" or, in fact, that I am feeling bad at all.

I mean, again, considering the alexithymia, that last part is a given. But it's kinda putting into perspective exactly how I've always had to understand "I don't have the energy to do anything" or "it's incredibly difficult to do anything" or "something deep inside of me feels Wrong™ and I can neither address nor identify it". I'd just passively have those "feelings" and struggle to continue life despite them.

It brings back thoughts of my struggles with masking, and how I was never diagnosed with autism as a child. Looking back, it should've been incredibly obvious. I had SO many of the tell-tale signs. But I guess it wasn't today, and there wasn't anywhere near as much awareness of what those signs were... but really. Textbook.

I'm sure my masking made it more difficult to recognize the signs as I got older. Hell, I even read over different "autism diagnosis checklist"s countless times, thinking to myself "oh wow it's a lot like me!... exceeeeeptttt--" and moved on from there.

I keep digressing. My point is, since discovering my autism and how it was hidden by masking, I've always wondered where my mask ends and where I begin. Most of the time, I feel like I feel nothing, even when I'm not depressed. I've been told I don't show my emotions, like when I'm happy (aka my chest is light and I feel free). That, or people can't tell when I like/dislike them (though that's partially a trauma thing). Other times, I've been told I'm smiling when I didn't even realize I was happy, much less that I was actually smiling. Some people have told me I'm incredibly easy to read, that my emotions show very clearly. But how can they when I feel like I feel nothing?

Which leads me back to what I said earlier, my conversation with my mother. How she asked if I actually need my meds because "I don't seem like I do". I guess I kind-of understand now, why she might've seen it that way. Do most people always show signs of how they actually feel? And how does the fact that I "don't feel" effect what I show?

I've wondered about that for a while. How much of how I act is because I was trained to, one way or another? How much of the emotion I show is because I learned to? Do I even show the emotions I feel? I really can't know because the people I know irl, who would better be able to tell me how I act, aren't understanding of any of these things. My older sister is lowkey ableist and thinks she sees the grand plan of the universe, my mother is too "pull yourself up by the bootstraps!!!" to accept Spoon Theory or mental health struggles, and just about everyone else in my life comes and goes as quickly as the wind.

Anyhow, this was a long rant that I've kinda had half-formed thoughts about for a while. Thanks for reading, hopefully this can help or entertain whoever stumbles upon this?

[nerdgirlnarrates]

Nothing like having a difficult patient encounter or doing a shit job (or both! 🙃) and having to just put it out of your mind so you can write the note

[flipflopgamer01]

I got diagnosed with autism yesterday and honestly, the worst part is that i have something in common with elon musk

[toddtakefive]

once got a comment on a fic that ‘any good neil characterization is autistic coded’ and i haven’t stopped thinking about it since

[padfoot-lupin77]

Let’s play a game called was this a trauma response or a sign of neurodivergence

[petyou]

i have to talk to a psychiatrist friday and im so nervous……..

[void-of-unparalled-chaos]

The Healthcare horrors persist

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[deathbypufferfish]

I love living with death hanging over my head like a guillotine.

[toastsnaffler]

dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....

[seariii]

Hum...

[kitkat-of-doom]

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[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

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[coulsonlives]

I just had to share this video because holy shit, it hits the nail right on the head! So well spoken. This stuff needs to be circulated more, esp with the growing number of people thinking they have this because of misinformation, or just outright faking it.

[coockie8]

"wah wah roys not a drunk wah!" in more than half the scenes where hes not working hes drinking i think you need to rewatch the show anon

I don't know if it's "more than half", but it's definitely enough it's noticeable. He does drink quite a bit, and whether him being an alcoholic was the canonical intent or not doesn't change that it's a perfectly reasonable interpretation given his background.

[ethereousdelirious]

This is so stupid but like. There have been fics where I've wanted to go into more detail about the process of being admitted to the hospital through the ER, but skipped it bc I couldn't find any good in-depth sources to make it realistic. But there frustrating part is that I've BEEN admitted to the hospital through the ER, I just can't remember the important parts 💀💀💀

[pathologising]

Not to play doctor or seem like a stalker but I’ve followed your blog for agessss and I wondered how you have “just” hypomania if you’re schizophrenic….. gave me bpad 1 vibes

They think I'm just bipolar and borderline and not schizo anymore