#after I got my diagnosis
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Guys I literally JUST realized a thing about my autism/masking/alexithymia. I noticed there was an alexithymia tag here on tumblr and when I investigated, there was this one post listing these symptoms:
and I just--
I've had these exact, MAJOR struggles through my whole life for one.
But for two, and what's really interesting in my opinion...
Yesterday, I was having a video call with my mom. I've been off of some medications that I'm supposed to be taking because of financial issues, so my mental is NOT in a great place and I've had NO spoons for the past month. But while on call with her, she seriously, unironically, asked me if I thought I really needed the meds. Because, apparently, I "wasn't acting like I needed them" or something like that. And I'm sure I don't need to explain why that pissed me tf off.
But, like... at the time, the closest thing I could come up with for an answer was that "I have no spoons and no energy to do anything"; "I lived 17 years without meds, I kind-of know how to fake it"; and "I haven't had much socializing lately, so I have enough Social Energy™ to fake being okay right now."
Now that I'm not being put on the spot and after reading that post, I'm slowly figuring out that I've always done this. I mean, I've obviously always struggled to describe my own emotions and need to analyze my physical reactions to figure them out, but like. I'm just now starting to realize that I've really struggled to describe exactly how I'm "feeling bad" or, in fact, that I am feeling bad at all.
I mean, again, considering the alexithymia, that last part is a given. But it's kinda putting into perspective exactly how I've always had to understand "I don't have the energy to do anything" or "it's incredibly difficult to do anything" or "something deep inside of me feels Wrong™ and I can neither address nor identify it". I'd just passively have those "feelings" and struggle to continue life despite them.
It brings back thoughts of my struggles with masking, and how I was never diagnosed with autism as a child. Looking back, it should've been incredibly obvious. I had SO many of the tell-tale signs. But I guess it wasn't today, and there wasn't anywhere near as much awareness of what those signs were... but really. Textbook.
I'm sure my masking made it more difficult to recognize the signs as I got older. Hell, I even read over different "autism diagnosis checklist"s countless times, thinking to myself "oh wow it's a lot like me!... exceeeeeptttt--" and moved on from there.
I keep digressing. My point is, since discovering my autism and how it was hidden by masking, I've always wondered where my mask ends and where I begin. Most of the time, I feel like I feel nothing, even when I'm not depressed. I've been told I don't show my emotions, like when I'm happy (aka my chest is light and I feel free). That, or people can't tell when I like/dislike them (though that's partially a trauma thing). Other times, I've been told I'm smiling when I didn't even realize I was happy, much less that I was actually smiling. Some people have told me I'm incredibly easy to read, that my emotions show very clearly. But how can they when I feel like I feel nothing?
Which leads me back to what I said earlier, my conversation with my mother. How she asked if I actually need my meds because "I don't seem like I do". I guess I kind-of understand now, why she might've seen it that way. Do most people always show signs of how they actually feel? And how does the fact that I "don't feel" effect what I show?
I've wondered about that for a while. How much of how I act is because I was trained to, one way or another? How much of the emotion I show is because I learned to? Do I even show the emotions I feel? I really can't know because the people I know irl, who would better be able to tell me how I act, aren't understanding of any of these things. My older sister is lowkey ableist and thinks she sees the grand plan of the universe, my mother is too "pull yourself up by the bootstraps!!!" to accept Spoon Theory or mental health struggles, and just about everyone else in my life comes and goes as quickly as the wind.
Anyhow, this was a long rant that I've kinda had half-formed thoughts about for a while. Thanks for reading, hopefully this can help or entertain whoever stumbles upon this?
#Barlowe's thoughts#long post#btw if you were wondering#the reason I kept looking at autism diagnosis checklists is because I was writing autistic characters#and I didn't know I was autistic yet#the first one was on purpose#but the second one was a complete accident haha#after I got my diagnosis#and yknow#got an understanding of my autism and others'#I actually did an amazing job on the first character#and obviously especially on the second haha#Basil my beloved#he's actually so much like me#ANOTHER thing that really should've tipped me off tbh#I think it's because Basil doesn't mask whereas I do#tho maybe it's also slightly related to the whole “he's a guy and I'm a woman” thing?#idk but#autism#autistic adult#autistic#autistic things#actually autistic#actually audhd#audhd#alexithymia#masking#neurodivergent#autism masking#autistic struggles
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🖤
#grandpa passed away in his sleep this morning#i got to see him with some of my family last night before he went to bed#i kissed him goodbye. he cupped my cheeks and said it would be the last time he'd see me. i think he could feel it coming#it hasn't really sunk in yet. maybe because this was the very best outcome in the situarion and i'm mostly relieved#i'm just glad i got to say goodbye in such a nice way#and he isn't in any pain after those dreadful weeks of uncertainty and then the added cancer diagnosis#he's up in the sky with grandma now. just like he wanted
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Nothing like having a difficult patient encounter or doing a shit job (or both! 🙃) and having to just put it out of your mind so you can write the note
#had a pt with documented AUD and sx of gastritis#got very upset when I asked about alcohol consumption#said they didn’t like being treated like an addict#turns out they did not agree with the diagnosis#so that was awesome#and then I also had a bad and incomplete plan for a couple of their problems#so all around great job by me#i find it really hard to focus and actually get my note done after this#there’s no time to process or think about it#guess I have to get better at compartmentalizing#medicine#medblr#residency#my content#my text posts
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I got diagnosed with autism yesterday and honestly, the worst part is that i have something in common with elon musk
#the second worst part was having the doctor pondering if I am disabled enough to to be autistic#autism#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#asd#not actually yesterday#this is a draft from the day after my diagnosis#i actually got diagnosed multiple days ago#elongated muskrat
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Does anyone else get the thing of like you're already so obsessed with something that you're like it would probably be good if I was less obsessed with this / I need to shut up about this but at the same time you constantly find yourself thinking I have Got to get more obsessed with this. I have Got to get more obsessed
#its the thing of like i really want to spend more time on this but also i feel like i shouldnt spend all my time on it so i try to reel it#in but im not particularly good at doing that anyway so i really am like i should just say fuck it and immerse myself even more however#its hard because the more i do that the harder it is to reign it in when i do actually need to#but theres so much i want to research and learn and also do and spend time on where im like i have Got to dedicate more of my time to this#while at the same time being like this is already taking up so much of my time but also because i worry that it is i end up wasting a lot o#time that i could be spending getting more obsessed with this thing. soooo idk but i dont know if that makes sense#its like how im also really bad at working on music becsuse i know when i sit down i will lose several hours so i avoid it but then i end u#not playing music...but i would be happier if i let myself just lose myself in it but then idk. im bad at like Setting aside time for thing#its always all or nothing which is frustrating!!!!! but its like my worry is i wont be productive in other ways but im not anyways so#it doesnt actually matter... sooooo yeah i have Got to get weirder . i have got to just let myself get weirder asap#i think this is also part of the late diagnosis thing of i spent my Entire life forcibly repressing my interests and cutting myself off fro#them after being told i need to. but actually i can just be weird but its really hard to let yourself do that without shame but it is#unjustified in this instance therefore i should take the opposite action and just keep doing it sooo im gonna do that. bye!#i am gonna go listen to bootlegs for approximately 5 hours
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once got a comment on a fic that ‘any good neil characterization is autistic coded’ and i haven’t stopped thinking about it since
#it was after i added the autistic neil tag cause it had been brought to my attention that he was MAJORLY autistic throughout the whole thing#and like…. yeah.#both my friend who told me and the person who commented that were Very Correct#neil perry is autistic i was literally there when he got his diagnosis trust#dead poets society#dps#neil perry
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Me when I have to deal with the consequences of happening to be disabled
#I was mostly out of commission for a third of last week and am behind on schoolwork due to my chronic migraines#so I’m behind on math work which is the only class I go in person for#which of course I missed some of due to the migraines#and I got totally wiped out by the Covid shot yesterday so I couldn’t work on it#and I’ve got my neuro physche tomorrow and the day after to get my autism diagnosis#so I was already supposed to spend the weekend working ahead#holy shit man#AH#me when I realize that I am in fact disabled because other people don’t deal with this shit#disability#disabilities#chronic migraine#chronic migraines#chronic disability
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#. ✺ ˚ ✶ o. ┈ ⋄ out of character .#tw medical#great news.#I got bumped up after a cancelation this week#which means I will get answers sooner than later#fingers crossed that the results come back positive and at least with a diagnosis on why my heart is acting crazy#aaah#sorry people don't like personal posts but#I'm not sharing my medical news a lot ooc
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Let’s play a game called was this a trauma response or a sign of neurodivergence
#throwback to when my family was certain I had ocd but then after a few years I got better so now we just treat it like it was a phase rooted#in the stress I was going through. Wich. probably isn’t true or correct but like I said now I’m doing better so if I try for a diagnosis#I’ll feel like an attention seeker. so. we just say it was trauma response#iole’s thoughts
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i have to talk to a psychiatrist friday and im so nervous……..
#idk how to like. talk#i’ve been so weird after the Not cancer and idk how to be like also. 20 years of intense trauma…….. but like back to the main thing#i’ve also never been Formally diagnosed with autism and i’m scared i’ll have to like defend it#and idk how to talk about the fact that i did LSD every single day for an entire year and that in fact did not cause my craziness it made#it a little better but now i’m SO autistic and can’t talk to people#he’s a MAN too …………………… i hope that will make things easier but im scared he’s like. dumb#there’s NO info about him online but the scheduler said she sees him and he’s really good#what does THAT mean???#idk i’m just rambling now#my official diagnosis as of right now is depression with psychotic features…… it makes it feel so real :/#context: i had a 20lb tumor in my ovary and they thought it was cancer for 2 months but it wasn’t and i got surgery and im fine now but im#depressed and dissociative#advice/encouragement PLZ
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The Healthcare horrors persist
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#Updates on this whole mess:#Im insured under my dad#he has Healthcare option 1 which is government provided since he is retired millitary and option 2 due to his new job#after his retirement option 1 went funky for me and changed things around meaning i was no longer able to be seen by my pcp#Im also unable to log in to any of my accounts for 1 so im not sure whats going on there and what plan of 1 i have specifically#so i switched to a new pcp which accepted option 2 (which was super hard to find) literally last week#made an appointment with her for next month so i can finally get answers about my funky blood test results#(which is still don't know what specifically is wrong with it! for all i know i could just have high cholesterol-#or i could have markers for rheumatoid arthritis instead of my prior fibromyalgia diagnosis!)#(i also do not get refils for my anxiety medication until i have an appointment with my new doctor)#crisis averted right? WRONG!#I just got a call from my Dad saying he is switching jobs so I am no longer insured under 2#meaning...#1) i need to call option 1 and figure out how to get into my accounts and what my insurance is#2) check that this pcp acceprs said insurance#3) find yet another pcp if she doesnt and make an appointment for god knows when#and here is the kicker:#since option 1 is government and millitary based it is going to take FOREVER to get anything done#And Im not sure if they are going to want me to renew my millitary dependent ID or not#because that shit is EXPIRED and i was under the impression i can no longer renew it due to his retirement#but also in order to make any acoount with option 1 they require a benefits number which expires alongside the ID#Then on the other side of things i also have my wisdom teeth surgery to schedule (through my mom thank god)#and school starting again in a few weeks#going to defenestrate myself istg
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⛈
#last night we got devastating news from the hospital#friday we took my grandpa to the er for a delirium and leg pain due to clotted veins to get some testing done and help him#turns out he has end stage lung cancer that spread through to his bones. doctors give him 4-8 weeks - tops#i felt guilty all weekend for setting all of rhis in motion while he preferred to stay at home (which he couldn't)#and then we got this diagnosis on top of it all. i've been an absolute wreck. i was wirh him at the er and visited him sunday and today#he's doing okay but he's depressed -has been for years- and it's been really tough fighting for someone who has given up years ago#i'm going home tomorrow. i need some time to rest and process to prepare for al that's to come#anyway. just wanted to update y'all after friday's post. i'm okay - all things considered. i just won't be as active out here as usual
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I love living with death hanging over my head like a guillotine.
#puffer talks#eko is having a hard time getting around#and his eye is red and irritated which i think is from a skin tag he has on his eyelid#but it's not oh my dog's eye needs to get checked#its oh my dog with terminal cancer needs his eye checked#i don't want to do this again#we got almost 4 months with him? past hid diagnosis#the prognosis is 6 months after the amputation#so i just want more time#going to get his eye checked and stuff#maybe check his lungs while we're there#i feel so helpless and stressed out 24/7
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dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....
#they made them address the thank you note to me and everything ajskfjfkfb. i didnt know they were cheating at the time but wow...#every time i break out my sticker collection and see them im reminded of it. but i cant throw out the stickers theyre deltarune ones 😭#like they were a rly cool artist.... just unfortunate that happened 💀#the drama was insane. my ex only wanted to sleep with them but they (other person) wanted them to break up with me so they could date#but my ex dumped them rly harshly for suggesting that i guess 'romantic' cheating was a step too far even for them lmaooo#i heard abt their breakup secondhand and god could they be cruel sometimes. they made fun of the sex theyd had w them#to all their mutual friends n everything i actually felt so bad for the other person when i found out. at least our breakup wasnt that bad#i only finally got that cruel side of them directed towards me like a year after when they wanted us to stop being friends#but yeah. its also funny in a way bc my ex only suggested i had adhd bc the other person did too + struggled a lot with rsd#which i guess they found out when they broke up with them. and then looked at that and thought huh my gf is kind of similar...#and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf#this made me go look the other persons art page up on instagram + then i recognised some of their friends/flatmates art pages and i found#their (my exs that is) grad year film which is still being shown at animation festivals... good for them good for them#i dont think they have an art page themselves tho cuz they were always v shy and weird abt sharing art on social media#like everyone else except them is tagged on things... shame i wouldve liked to see what they were making now. even if we're not friends#also one of their old roommates made some REALLY similar squid game fanart to mine like a month after i posted it huh..#not mad abt it or anything i think its cool i just didnt realise they showed my art to their friends. thats cute#ah this was years ago anyway. getting my head out of the rabbit hole#im gonna go play some elden ring and then maybe do smth fun in my sketchbook we shall seeee#.diaries
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Hum...
#im just thinking... im okay tho /gen#just thinking about the words the bestie said to me after I told him about my mental health...#particularly a phrase... he just said 'you are already committed' and when i asked what he meant he said 'to life'#its just... idk... it was impressive and had such a weird feeling... sadly i guess i am committed........ 'sadly' huh....#sigh another important thing was that it was crucial i went back to therapy... i dont really want to tho...#but 'youve been feeling like this for a long time you need help' ... sigh... what i need is...#the future is so scary... sigh... okay#ill put an alarm to wake up earlier tomorrow and work on that!#seari talks#what i need is adderall- jsjsjsjsjs yeah... alr im sleepy time to mimir#tomorrow ill catch up with everything i missed too#also if anyone reads this dont worry pretty person! i got a bit scared/upset up there but its okay#im quite stable right now! at least enough to survive for a couple days! so yup!#miiiight have to look up a new therapist tho... since aside from help i wanna get a diagnosis....#sigh... but okay that's not for rn seari it's for future seari. rn seari has to go mimir because shes tired#a mimir a mimir pat pat pat
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having dan and phil autism is so embarassing. like other people are out there with special interests in like. music. or a specific period of history. or a piece of really cool storytelling. and i'm over here like. hi. i'm claude, and i talk about dan and phil so much that my friends want me lobotomized. if i don't watch these fuckass british youtubers for at least an hour every day i will start to freak out. i frequently get so needlessly excited thinking about them that i stim to the point of causing myself physical pain. i promise i'm normal.
#claude's meowing#in all seriousness. i adore how much joy these random guys have brought me.#i got my autism diagnosis fairly soon after after dnp pretty much overtook my prior fixation#and there was this realization that i'd been doing a lot of masking and repressing and stuff#and i started letting myself enjoy things and unmask a bit#and dnp have created this really welcoming and nice community?#terrible influence was the first big thing i went to on my own. and i felt so safe and free to be myself.#and just. im grateful. ok. i have. a lot to say.
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