#i know i dont have to but thats always how i feel around ppl | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pumpkinsy0 · 3 days ago

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since we don't really know anything about the curtis' extended family i feel like that means that the brother's parents weren't close to them and of course there has to be a reason for that (and if there isnt lets just pretend there is) so could we get some hcs for somehow all of them getting together to celebrate the holidays and they learn that reason?? whatever it may be (also get the shepards in there because i looooooove them, perhas even some little things of them defending the brothers for whatever reasons)

rubbing my hands together i was actually thinking of something like this earlier

•lets say the reason y the curtis parents arent close to their own is bc mrs curtis was a soc who got w mr curtis (who was a greaser, duh)!!! her parents aint approve and they ran away, andddd thats how the curtis parents ended up where they were

•mrs curtis said they never saw her part of the family bc they were too far away, while mr curtis said his part of the family were dead (and he was kinda right, he meant they were dead to HIM but now a good portion of that family IS actually dead, whoops), non of the bros rlly questioned it nor did they have a HUGE curiosity for visiting em, just something they never questioned

•howeverrrrr, mrs curtis’ family did know about pony, soda, and darry, bc mrs curtis sent some pics of the family bc she did always miss them, but they never responded to those letters, untillllll

•one day!!! darry found a letter from their grandma, for their mom!! it was around the holidays and she was wondering if she wants to come over w the family (begrudgingly mr curtis too) to celebrate it w the family after years being apart, and darry just, didnt know how to react to that

•he didnt immediately tell soda or pony, he would just reread it over and over, wondering if he should respond, and if he did how the hellllll was he gonna tell her she died years ago,,,,

•when darrys in doubt, he confides in tim cause he thinks tims the closest hes gonna get to someone understanding how he feels and hes not even wrong!!! a drink w tim is like darrys therapy, but this time all tim could do was listen, this situation too fucked up even for him😭😭, all he said to darry was that theres no wrong decision for him here, he was forced into it, so whatever happens, he tried his best w what he was given

•since the holidays were approaching, darry realized he would have to tell pony and soda about this too, he feels its especially unfair for HIM to decide for all of them, shes their grandma just as much as she is his after all

•now for soda, out if the brothers hes always been the most curious about meeting his extended family, but finally having that chance and the context behind y theyve never seen em, i cant say hes saying a straight up “yes” to this, he wants to go but its not gonna b the way hes been hoping for, for years, so would it really b worth it??? would they b accepted even if theyre greasers???? this could fuck up his holidays for the next few years depending on how traumatizing this is!!!

•ponys just like darry, hes not saying no, but also saying yes either, hes so on the fence about it. of course he’s learned not to judge soc’s, but this is so much more personal and TIED to him, is he mentally ready to face on all this bs???? he dunno

•pony remembers the multiple times his mom said he looked just like his grandma and would stare at him, and he could see darry staring the same way at him, it kinda freaks him out and makes him feel bad, he cant look darry in the eyes</333

•he opened up to curly about it n curly was crackin jokes, he cant take not SHIT seriously 100%🙄🙄, BUT like tim, he did have just one thing to say, ur not obligated to do it, dont base this off of ehat ur parents wouldve wanted, do it how U do

•feels like this would also mean that if ppl found out about the situation, they would see the curtis’ as “lesser greasers” bc in their eyes, they were greasers by choice, but anyone who questions the curtis’ identity shall b beaten or intimidated by one of the shepards and their goons

#ponyboy curtis #darry curtis #darrel curtis #sodapop curtis

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notanotherblorbo · 2 years ago

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I'm so glad I finally have a job where I get to actually interact with people. Except for part where I am constantly thinking think "be normal be normal these ppl are cool and nice pls be normal no don't say poggers in front of them be normal be normal don't verbally stim they will hear you be normal be normal be normal be normal act normal do not bring up your hyperfixations they will think you are crazy be normal be normal brain pls shut up be normal memorise how to do this pls brain pls act normal act normal" because I'm not comfortable with or firmialiar with any of them yet.

#jeanscreams #i know i dont have to but thats always how i feel around ppl #especially when i want to get along with them #ALL MY CO WORKERS SEEM SO NICE PLS I JUST WANNA GET ALONG WITH THEM AT LEAST.#tbf half of them are leaving soon anyway i really should not be worried #but then i have to get to know new ppl uughhhh #a hate the learning curve so much #also can you tell ppl give me anxiety #vent #im fine tho i am loving my job #ANOTHER THING I HATE IS THAT I CANT TALK TO PPL ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA SAY IM STUPID AND OVERTHINKING #I KNOW THAT DUMBASS THAT DOESN'T MEAN STOPPING IS EASY #probably shouldn't be venting about this on tumbr #ugh #i guess ill post it to my alt #that blog is baisically my journal now.#adhd #<- the person at fault for this shit #fuckin brain making me bad at social shit #its fine its fine you will find ppl who love you for your weirdness its fine #< affirmations

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pleasedontcareaboutme · 2 months ago

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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him #I always knew he was a parental figure for me #but now I connected the dots #How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life #that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so #and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life #ofc ud become attached #i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him #he occupies most of my thoughts honestly #But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life #i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an #bloom and be free #and that's what ill try to do #but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness #its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired #somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea #how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi #g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if #lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways #sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay #yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le #go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk #how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate #my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t #me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol #so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest #y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t #ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti #ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd

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puppyeared · 7 months ago

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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it #idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character #someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it #and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly #its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked #because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately #like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means #it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by #a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time #i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid #so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or #smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them #become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words #but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened #especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that #need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta #once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it #circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it #actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt #i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me #that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly #mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them #have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP #IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL #yapping

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phagodyke · 8 days ago

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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room

#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting #ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions #but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door #and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it #but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true #and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever #like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never #bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly #why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes #like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act #like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME #uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others #like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied #even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries #i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre #constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please #snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is #frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh #okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating #.vent #im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism #and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated #anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower

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arolesbianism · 3 months ago

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I may be failing my plan to not make any isat aus. So there's this guy her name is Euphrasie right. What if I took her and combined what could be 3 separate au concepts into one. And in the process forced myself to go back and reread a bunch of shit to make sure I know how to maximally fuck over this sad wet puppy of a woman

#rat rambles #did I ever actually make a proper isat talking tag? I don't remember but erm #stars posting #anyways dont count on me committing to this au too hard since Im mostly eternal gales brained rn but I am rotating ideas in my head #shes always interested me deeply as what am I if not a sucker for women who are mostly silhouettes of a character #I was mostly just thinking abt other ppls aus where she is also looping and was thinking abt how fucked it be for her in general but also #how much more fucked it would be for her if it was Only her looping #because as far as she would know theres straight up nothing that can be done to fix this and shed be stuck in a hell of what shed be sure #is her own creation #and then I thought to myself. what if she then accidentally did a loop while trying to fix it #and then my brain also said but what if loop was also there #so I did some mental gymnastics to ignore the possible problems and decided to take an extra spin on it and just sorta add her to the main #party by having her have basically wished to be able to help them defeat the king to make things right and her getting dropped earlier #on in the adventure so I can fuck around with potential character dymamics more (cough cough siffrin)#and for the actual loops I think it'd be funny if she could remember just like loop but was fully convinced that she was looping alone #so itd be siffrin and her acting at eachother trying to hide their seperate breakdowns while meamwhile loop is just staring at her with a #whole heap of mixed emotions but mostly the confusion of who the fuck is this guy???????#and sif is just like yeah thats secret. shes a powerful craft user who's craft experiments backfired and fucked up her body. duh.#and loop just Knows that thats not true but they have no real way to bring it up properly without drawing too much suspicious #oh yeah and Im calling her secret for now. in my minds eye shes like constantly putting on different fronts in hopes that one of them will #stick but shes been able to get away with it by playing up her belief in change to a cartoonish degree #shes really trying to be strong and not raise suspicion since she does want mirabelle to be able to learn and grow from this just the same #as her own mirabelle before and just wants to be able to fix the broken wish by being there to defeat the king herself #which she had already convinced herself was the reason the wish broke since she was the one stuck remembering #I should reword it to that probably because saying shes the one looping isnt Wrong but asside from sif not remembering it still entirely #revolved around him she was just the one forced to deal with it without any real way of learning how to fix it #and while she never figured out the entirety of the sif stuff it was always him taking to her that reset the loop #so she has. complicated feelings on him. she doesn't want to be avoidant or distant or to dislike him! and as time goes on she does grow to #like him a lot! but its just. hard to look him in the eye sometimes.#and then theres the horrors of the actual main game starting and the slow but horrifying realization of how badly she fucked up

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bungusofficial · 6 months ago

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mutual how are you so good at getting into arguments with people who agree with you

probably bc i only respond to people who cant write or read

"rape play can be consented to" and "rape can be consented to" are VERY different sentences. n like honestly i shouldnt even have bothered.

if you have such a fundamental misunderstanding of the english language i wont waste my time trying to communicate with you. when every word means something different its not really english anymore is it. if everything u say is so divorced from the english language that i need to ask you to repeat and translate everything i dont think im at fault here

i might just cut contact w anyone in the community because everything i say is misunderstood and misrepresented and not taken seriously if im not sucking up to people.

and so many words have new double-meanings and im led to think i disagree with ppl because theyre fucking incapable of writing a coherent sentence. and then its my fault somehow.

and its not like 'transid' or paraphilia dont exist outside of the radqueer community. everyone wants to change things about themselves. everyone changes. people are into weird shit and have mental disorders. i dont have a problem with peoples experiences.

n if rqs put any effort into what they say (or even didnt blame me for assuming that a word doesnt have any new secret meaning) id treat it the same as the mogai or liom community. whatever. kinda fun. sometimes theres a relatable label

.delete later

#i do have a deep insecurity about being stupid and always confused and people not understanding anything i say #ableist shit #but i also dont see anything wrong with how i talk from my perspective #i dont know why whatever is wrong with me is wrong with me #other autists dont like or understand me #but like. even if theres something fundamentally wrong with me im not gonna bend over backwards and make myself palatable you anyone.#i dont give a shit really. no one has to like or understand me ig #also. 'where do you guys find animal rape porn?'. im not hanging out near a community where thats as common as it is and people you reblog #from like that shit.#im aware that 'not all of us' and 'theres bad apples everywhere' but thw queer community doesnt have a Huge chunk that believes in #legalizing rape.#and i dont think id hang out in any other community that does.#also #not as bad obviously but so many people being pathetic. identities for when youre trans but have internallized so much transphobia tha #t youre calling yourself cis now #you have intrusive thoughts so now you say youre transharmful.#its a whole lot of letting outside factors control your identity which is just miserable to look at for me #and not a vibe i wanna be around #sometimes theres straight up bigotry 'afab 4 afab because duhh afab means pussy. and transsexuals dont exist' or treating birth assignment #as a gender #you see that in the regular queer community too i just feel like complaining #im just tired of this. every day i log on to tumblr and see a rq post and go 'wow/damn these people are extremely annoying and detached #from the english language'.#fucking. even transgender in a transid context has a different meaning #ppl say transgender isnt a transid and like. theyre right and theyre also wrong.#transgender(transid version) isnt the fucking same as transgender(queer community)#and this isnt me being genuine but lets have some fun with radqueer etymology and twist transgender even further. trans- in a transid #context means (change) with intent.#i did not choose my gender with intent..therefore actually i am a cisgender male.#so if i do end up fucking blocking you then you know why

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

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#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words.#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that?#i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

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gaystardykeco · 1 year ago

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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

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dokjaism · 2 years ago

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#why cant i be mean to my dad why cant i give him the coldest answers ever why do i worry abt how he feels #i havent replied lol and i honestly dont want to #yeah i want him to know abt me but not from me directly. he doesnt deserve to get that. he never rlly cared so why now #it blows my mind the fact that he tries at least once a year to be updated abt me but he never rlly cared LOL he never put the effort when #i did go to his house so why now. why does he want to know now.#like his love was so conditional that i assume everyone's love is. i constantly feel i have to do smth for others to love me otherwise i #dont deserve it. and still i feel so unworthy of love bcs i constantly feel i dont do enough and i end up assuming ppl dont rlly love me #i need to know why ppl keep me around and even when they tell me they like me around i dont believe it and i know its bcs of him #i've always felt i have to earn people's love and thats bcs he always make me feel like that. i always felt i had to compete for his love #which is insane. he's my dad. why doesn't he just love me #i kinda went off topic lol sorry i wanna cry but i cant bcs i have my seminar ugh #jo.txt

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kalashtars · 8 months ago

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venting in the tags yippeee

#damien.txt #gender talk time 🤪✌️#....................................................................................#screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan #uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that #soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated?#as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns #neither do i she/her. or they/them.#and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here #and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways #i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all.#but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me #as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc #and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait.#and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it #and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever #bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is.#and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like #hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow?#like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even.#and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it #is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too.#and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all.#but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it #and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck.#and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that #and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck #and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol #AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor #lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

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madaracore · 1 year ago

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#dont read this is just. Venting. the way thats easiest for me to get it all out #not to depressionpost but im so fucking lonely its not even funny #i just would like to be able to feel Loved #which is silly bc logically i KNOW that im loved by my (very small) circle but #object permanence or. I guess emotional permanence or WHATEVER you call it just hasnt worked for me in such a long time #and its so very hard to not lash out and be awful in my misery to the ppl around me whenever that bpd switch gets flipped #ik im overly clingy and annoying and hard to get along with. I love and want to be loved and needed like a whimpering dog. i KNOW this.#and ik it doesnt help that every horrible awful clingy insecurity gets amplified by the abandonment and bullying and hurt ive faced #i constantly feel like ive been left on the curb by my loved ones even though i know thats not whats happening.#like im stuck in last place again and again and again. like im not as good or as cherished as their other people.#Its so hard. it makes me want to say and do awful things bc i feel so Abandoned and I HATE IT!!!!!#i fixate on my loved one and get these possessive and insecure feelings over them and its so UGLY.#it was bad enough in high school but Everything Else Thats Happened has made that problem of mine so much harder to cope with and ignore #train derailed but re: the first point. its so hard for me to actually feel like people care and want me around.#And now ive become too afraid to ask for anything bc of how many times theyve cancelled or forgot or ignored the plans we make together.#like is it a me thing? Am i that forgettable? am i that insufferable? why am i always the odd man out?#ugh #Nothing i said makes sense. But whatever #okay sorry this is just a better alternative than hurting myself so.#i hate being alone. i hate having no support system. i hate being stuck in a traumatic and abusive situation i cant get myself out of.#it gets harder and harder to convince myself to keep going.#every day i wake up feeling so Abandoned that i consider sabotaging every good relationship left in my life rehoming my pets n then kms-ing #haha. 🤟🤟🤟🤟#Its hard dealinh with traumatic personality disorders #while also dealing with perpetual ptsd-triggering and almost complete isolation

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strangersynth · 1 year ago

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bc you have things to say doesn't always mean you needa say them let alone it also doesn't always mean it's your place to say them kwim

#some ppl rlly think they have a little too many rights to decide what's okay for someone to do at what age #like shaming people for what they do with themselves n their bodies in movies in socials in works in their Lives bc age this age that #go touch some grass come back when ur ready to accept u dont have a say on anybody else. not a minor and much less an 18+ person #like that one cancelling attempt over noah liking a video about his own body. or that one scene in wyfstw that had people going like;#':o oh my gawd how can he do this. how is cinema not 24/7 tame and extremely family-friendly always?? he is like 10!' and it's a 20yo #or like millie getting engaged because they're in love and ppl being like but but but she is 19!!!! well. she is also Not You and Not Yours #she and her fiance made a choice to marry. bitch you made a choice to talk and i wasnt complaining when u did it was i #/ like people's choices with who they fall in love with. like people's relationships that very much do Not include you #/ also very important; like shaming sex workers for whatever the fuck ur reason is im about to grab you by the ear and rip it off #NONE of that above and More is there for u to be without anyone even asking u all like Okay here's my veredict- girl No #ur freedom of speech hand it over.jpeg #this other day i saw this thing abt this married couple that met cause he was a 21yo #and she was 18 and she liked him and he knew and was like wanna go out or sum and now years after theyre literally married making a family #and ppl were like sorry but that mortified me i cant be the only one thats so disturbed and girl #i know you aint shaming a happy couple rn because of age difference #people turn their heads and gape like it's illegal when they hear age difference and i think yall getting a little too comfy with judging #people for who they love. for judging what u personally dont understand. if u aint been thru it u literally just dont get it #just using someone else's ongoing relationship to victimise urself get out pls and thanku #like i Know the risk that comes thru age differences no matter how big how small but risks come from many more places than one #grooming is a Very real thing and that doesnt mean you get to stamp it on everything. how about dont throw around serious terms #guilt-tripping an older person and victimising and infantilising a young person both in a relationship they want to be in #when said people aint even /you/ dont make you hero.#then again ppl tend to twist 'younger people need to feel safe' in so many ways but thats another story #like im not gonna get into guilttripping people that want to portray real feelings wants and acts onto fictional characters that make You s #mortified you start throwing Real srs allegations that you should Not be allowed to have in your vocabulary if thats how you gon use them #u Know what im talking about #sense the level of seriousness. try and be conscious of what people go through regarding said dangers #stop pointing fingers at people that have made it so far just because they could have Not made it

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stupidrant · 11 months ago

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I salute to you and thank you for your service 🫡😔

u guys weren’t there in 2018 fighting the atreus annoying and useless allegations like i was. i was on the front lines

#(long rant ahead) i wasnt but i can imagine how terrible it first was #then it got worse for those sticking around since 2018 with rag coming out UGH #atreus/angrboda fans will always have to be battling it seems 😔#I lurk a bit so ive seen older reactions to him and im just like man! who knew an 11 yr old is 11!#idk being a new fan i have a completely different outlook on everything so i dont hold the same contempt as others do #alot of this “fandom” intentionally ignores things bc they dont care and thats fine or whatever but if u dont care for anything or anyone #outside of kratos why are u around 😭😭#Like we are no longer there anymore bro he has a home with family thats alive and thriving #The extreme negativity is one of the reasons why i was hesitant to be here in the first place #Not the first fandom and probably not the last im associated with but this one i think is the first one where i genuinely feel everyone #is miserable with EVERYTHING.#Matter of fact i dont even consider myself part of the fandom LOL #Im just here enjoying what i enjoy #It really sucks liking a character(s) thats almost universally hated for some(dumb) reason #Like… everyone is just negative and i see that even on twitter to the point i just have to mute/block ppl.#I dont tend to care (or try not to care) abt things like this but i dont think ppl realize being in that state can leak into #Smth you dont want. Yes not everything is glitters and butterflies but to stay in that negative mindset is just crazy to me.#ESPECIALLY over a fucking VIDEOGAME CHARACTER like girl bye😭😭😭#I have my own gripes with my other fave games and fandoms i been in but this fandom takes the cake of being a drag #Sms taking a lot of risks and continue trying with atreus gives me hope for him and angie. Idk what theyll do with them #From here on out but they realize no matter what they do its gonna get some level of hate.#I dont even know if ill like their characterization next game either but with what ive seen so far i think they are in good hands.#Im sorry for the really long rant you guys i just needed to say this LOL #When it comes to atreus/angrboda i get a bit passionate but also since sunny/laya are around my age and knowing how gamers are #Its just really aggravating seeing shit like this #Not to say i cant get crazy myself (cuz i can im ngl) but alot of times i just have to take a step back and BREATHE.#Theres a small change ive seen with the hate towards them (ppl have been getting kinda annoyed with it since thats all they talk abt)#But collectively i hope one day ppl genuinely like them. Not out of pity or anything either. But bc they enjoy their characters :)#Im manifesting that it will happen LOL #manifesting all good things towards atreus/angrboda🕯️🕯️🕯️

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chisatowo · 2 years ago

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Thinking abt the sci fantasy au again. I find Aya and Chisato funny for many reasons but rn because Chisato has such a strong image of them being the one between the two that has everything together but when it comes to the both of their eldritch horror stuff Aya just has like. Everything together human form wise and Chisato super Doesn't and it freaks Chisato out every time it becomes relevant

#rat rambles #band posting #sci fantasy au #just because of the nature of his true form aya had to really really refine his human form before even inching towards earth #while chisato wasnt as instakill dangerous so they mostly just trial and errored their way into a good enough human form to work #so like they seem human enough to the point your agerage person wouldnt notice anything too odd but its very much not perfect #its mostly small things like them always smelling vaguely of salt water or fish and other aquatic life getting really panicked around them #but theres some more noticable stuff thats slipped through the cracks throughout their life #as a kid their eyes were a lot more fishy and even now prolonged contact with them will irritate the skin and make you rly tired #its mostly stuff they just dont know how to fix or used very slap on fixes for #for example they are super water proof since they couldnt find out how to make their skin stop getting slimy when wet so they just started #repelling water to prevent it which comes with its own problems but its worked well enough so far #tbh chisato does legitimately feel rly insecure abt how much more refined aya's human form is #aya feels a small bit of envy towards chisato having the ability to not need to fully perfect their human form as even now that its been #years with him living as a human with nothing bad happening the idea of some unknown misatake in his form hurting ppl terrifies him #and its very much worsened by the maya incedent even if she manages to recover well enough #and by well enough I mean physically shes fine but it did do a bit of a number to her relationship with pain but yknow #meanwhile eve just gets a free easy human form thanks to magic which is good cause itd be hard to do a lot of things as a toxic cloud

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