#context means (change) with intent.
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there's an interesting thing rtd said from the commentary about the "real mom" line:
i get not liking the line but like. it's an intentional mistake and an intentional character choice, and something we'll return to in the future, and that seems like important context to have when talking about the episode.
#ruby's life just massively changed and it's not like she's rehearsing this conversation; she messed up/said something she didn't mean#AGAIN i'm not saying you can't criticize this decision or disagree with it but i think it's important to have this context#that it's an intentional choice on the writer's part#and not a reflection of the character's or writers' real beliefs about adoption.#doctor who#ruby sunday#fifteenth doctor#delia.txt
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Barbara: i can’t believe dick wore the discowing, that’s so embarrassing
Also Barbara:
#Yvonne Craig’s Barabara Gordon might be thee most important superheroine after Wonder Woman#but just because she helped crack the glass ceiling does NOT mean I can’t make fun of her sparkly ass#barbara gordon#batgirl#i understand the context i know fashion and materials have changed overtime i know the camp was intentional#i know the bright colours and sparkles were to appeal to young girls and while the form and cut is meant to be sexy to men born in the 1920s#like i know my herstory here. i just fucking hate it. aesthetically.#leo says shit#and also practically. why the heels queen? no not queen i mean why the heels costume department? director? whoever thought this was a slay
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Ooh, I have a feeling my review of The Witch Hunters is gonna be a juicy one. I love books where they're undeniably well-crafted and powerful and I enjoy the experience of reading them, but that I find to have some ethical shortcomings.
#doctor who#dale's ramblings#the witch hunters#steve lyons#like this thing is the most starkly and emotively drawn continuity debate in fandom history#but at the end of the day that really does limit it#because the doctor's supposition that there's a guiding force preventing the changing history is true#but not for reasons he can understand (the presence of the author)#given lyons' love of metatextuality i suspect this is intentional#but it still creates a compelling tension that i don't think he's going to be able to fully resolve#simply because short of having the doctor actively acknowledge the author's existence the necessary language and framework#simply isn't there in the world of the text#it's still a million times better than longest day tho#frankly i suspect that's part of the reason it's so beloved#(i mean it is genuinely good but y'know the context doesn't hurt either)
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tell us about ancient spanish?
Yeah!
so. In the beginning of my comic (I'm assuming you havent read it, if you have I'm sorry) the main character is getting established as sort of a "master bullshitter" and very lucky. He's not stupid, the reason he's alive is because he reads situations quickly and lies very well... and at this point my editor had been repeatedly treating him with this sort of bumbling idiot trope, so I was already a bit frustrated.
He's caught as a stowaway on a pirate ship, and is bullshitting a treasure hunt so the pirates keep him alive long enough that he could escape. So, he makes a fake treasure map in Spanish, hoping that the pirates won't know any... because if they can just kill him and take the map, they will. And one of them knows Spanish!
So, the joke I put in to resolve the situation (which I kept) was "but can you READ Spanish?" where he's banking on the pirate's illiteracy, and he lucks out because she can't read.
but my editor wanted him to say "but do you know... ancient spanish?" which makes no sense and isnt funny LMAO to me.
There were a lot of instances like this, but this is the one I remember the most because my editor like. argued with me on putting ancient spanish in there... It was a back and forth for a good bit.
#like. they can see the map. in his hands.#if she knows spanish and can read it. she will know he is lying#and they will kill him#it doesnt resolve the situation#and its also not funny. like. what the hell does ancient spanish even mean. its nothing.#like I would have much rather resolved the situation by no one knowing spanish.#cause that requires him to stay alive to read the map. which was his goal. this whole time...#so her joke wasnt funny. makes no sense like. historically. AND doesnt even address the situation.#like a good edit understands the intent of the situation.#she gave a lot of what I like to call 'lateral edits' where they dont fundamentally change a scene at all#but they dont really make anything better. like it's not getting worse but its not helping anything either?#but then she had some edits that made things worse...#so I would do some of the lateral ones to sort of appease her and then she wouldnt notice that I didnt do the ones that made thing worse#but this was in the very beginning so I was combatting all the things I didnt want to do. instead of just not doing them#I'm not even getting edits anymore at this point in my career LOL#my second editor was amazing. she was sometimes slow to understand the point of a scene but she offered some really amazing edits#my current editor does literally nothing#she has not given me one note. like literally not even one. she sort of offhandedly said “enjoying reading it!” like ok... great...#and then my first editor. well. ancient spanist LOL#there were a few things I said I fundamentally refuse to do and she kept. asking. me. to do them#one time I had to argue with her that I wouldnt make a joke making fun of hairy men??? like I like hairy men what the hell???#ANYWAYS. yeah. thats ancient spanish#tried to be short but all my jokes are like extremely contextual so its hard to get enough context for them to make sense
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Should I force myself to talk to women on hinge
#I do not want to#but I am also actively trying to overwrite unrequited attraction that is actually making me ill#so like. idk.#would that count as exposure therapy in this context?#I was introduced to the concept of limerence and I feel a lot more normal about it#not in the sense of ‘I am okay now’#but in the sense of ‘this is a shared and recognized phenomenon that acknowledges the compulsive nature of it#and suggests that it may come from a similar neurological place/process/imbalance as OCD#so instead of well meaning people who don’t grasp how overwhelming these feelings are telling me to just try to date other people#I at least have the validation of ‘you are not crazy because other people have experienced this kind of debilitating intensity too’#and the suggestions for coping with and overcoming limerence include CBT/DBT#which is a lot more structured and helpful than my friends giving me well intentioned advice for something they don’t really understand#like I cannot tell you how much relief this has brought me#I don’t just have a crush on a straight woman and can’t get over it i literally have these non stop intrusive thoughts about her#coupled with the constant mental noise of i know she isn’t interested and i need to be respectful and maintain boundaries#it has literally made me feel like I’m losing my mind or some kind of stalker#but a mental stalker#anyway it has been incredibly unpleasant and upsetting and now I’m focusing on consciously stopping and countering those thoughts#and approaching it the same way as my other intrusive thoughts#also note: I tried to make an appointment with my therapist but she is overbooked and if this does not yield change I might spiral again
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mutual how are you so good at getting into arguments with people who agree with you
probably bc i only respond to people who cant write or read
"rape play can be consented to" and "rape can be consented to" are VERY different sentences. n like honestly i shouldnt even have bothered.
if you have such a fundamental misunderstanding of the english language i wont waste my time trying to communicate with you. when every word means something different its not really english anymore is it. if everything u say is so divorced from the english language that i need to ask you to repeat and translate everything i dont think im at fault here
i might just cut contact w anyone in the community because everything i say is misunderstood and misrepresented and not taken seriously if im not sucking up to people.
and so many words have new double-meanings and im led to think i disagree with ppl because theyre fucking incapable of writing a coherent sentence. and then its my fault somehow.
and its not like 'transid' or paraphilia dont exist outside of the radqueer community. everyone wants to change things about themselves. everyone changes. people are into weird shit and have mental disorders. i dont have a problem with peoples experiences.
n if rqs put any effort into what they say (or even didnt blame me for assuming that a word doesnt have any new secret meaning) id treat it the same as the mogai or liom community. whatever. kinda fun. sometimes theres a relatable label
.delete later
#i do have a deep insecurity about being stupid and always confused and people not understanding anything i say#ableist shit#but i also dont see anything wrong with how i talk from my perspective#i dont know why whatever is wrong with me is wrong with me#other autists dont like or understand me#but like. even if theres something fundamentally wrong with me im not gonna bend over backwards and make myself palatable you anyone.#i dont give a shit really. no one has to like or understand me ig#also. 'where do you guys find animal rape porn?'. im not hanging out near a community where thats as common as it is and people you reblog#from like that shit.#im aware that 'not all of us' and 'theres bad apples everywhere' but thw queer community doesnt have a Huge chunk that believes in#legalizing rape.#and i dont think id hang out in any other community that does.#also#not as bad obviously but so many people being pathetic. identities for when youre trans but have internallized so much transphobia tha#t youre calling yourself cis now#you have intrusive thoughts so now you say youre transharmful.#its a whole lot of letting outside factors control your identity which is just miserable to look at for me#and not a vibe i wanna be around#sometimes theres straight up bigotry 'afab 4 afab because duhh afab means pussy. and transsexuals dont exist' or treating birth assignment#as a gender#you see that in the regular queer community too i just feel like complaining#im just tired of this. every day i log on to tumblr and see a rq post and go 'wow/damn these people are extremely annoying and detached#from the english language'.#fucking. even transgender in a transid context has a different meaning#ppl say transgender isnt a transid and like. theyre right and theyre also wrong.#transgender(transid version) isnt the fucking same as transgender(queer community)#and this isnt me being genuine but lets have some fun with radqueer etymology and twist transgender even further. trans- in a transid#context means (change) with intent.#i did not choose my gender with intent..therefore actually i am a cisgender male.#so if i do end up fucking blocking you then you know why
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"It's like—like we're all a fixed point in time, and that person—whoever I was back then—must exist somewhere, even if it's just when I'm smelling my father's cologne."
-Zeppazariel, Best Friend's Brother
#quote#book#book quotes#best friends brother#zeppazariel#im sorry author I had to add an its before the whole thing so it can work a little bit out of context but i desperately want you to know#that my intention wasnt to put words in your mouth (pardon the expression) and Im not doing this so it sounds like im changing the truth#or meaning of the original#i dont even know why im having a moment about this in the tags wtf is wrong with me#fanfic#fanfiction#ao3#wolfstar#jegulus#james potter#sirius black#remus lupin#regulus black#marauders#harry potter
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i have such a hard time with tone indicators still because i don't know what the fuck i mean either. how am i supposed to fake it until i make it in these conditions
#kie rambles#brought to you by the two mega autism trucks having sex where my brain should be#rant in tags#also even tho ik what the tone indicators are supposed to mean??? i have no clue how to apply those to a social context#it's like taking a test but the study guide is written entirely in emojis and i dont know what the subject is#“you said the thing you should know how you intended it” well.#when you spend your whole life trying to make your interactions palatable through masking#and suddenly this new tool that's supposed to help you get intentions across appears#i dont know how to use it without unmasking fully and i dont know how to do that yet#TONE INDICATORS ARE GOOD BTW. they help so many ppl and help people feel more free to joke around with each other w/o hurting one another#just saying it's. still hard to change the wiring of “indicate tone for neurotypical people to understand” --#-- to “don't indicate it at all until the end”#basically i still wanna use them bc theyre helpful to lots of ppl but like when i fuck up constantly pls be patient#feels like masking 2 electric boogaloo#masking as a nt person thats masking as a nd person. maskception. let me out of here oh my god#also im in class rn making this post instead of paying attention so if i repeat myself like 8 times im sowwy
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oh.
#surprised that the lunter anti s haven't been using 'echoes of the past' as sblings propaganda#the clear cut parallel of luz offering her hand to king when it comes to revisiting the truth about his ancestry#a character she'll later come to call his little brother#like uhhh maybe the fact hunter and luz have no canon sibling bong is confirmation enough that it wasn't the point of it#when there's absolutely nothing set up for luz's connections with titan before WAD chose to take a gigantic shit on the show's themes#esp when hollow mind does the work to connect luz with belos with the whole you and i are very alike villain speech#and of course cannot forget the caleb/evelyn parallels. lunterinas no one will every take that away from you btw#they could've chosen to make evelyn and caleb have a familial bond but nope. caleb impregnated the shit out of her and You Will Know That.#maybe there's some canon evidence that the intention was to follow up on the siblings allegations#but like... then i look back at TTT and how luz calls hunter 'family' in the context of their connection to the hexsquad instead of nocedas#and how TOH commited hard to vee having a familial connection with camila despite how little time they had and it's implied in the-#-timeskip that luz and vee have grown up together as family#(by all means luz/vee shippers go ahead you guys are neat and canon is a mere suggestion)#but yeah like. uhhhhh i'm bery drunk rn can you tell heehee#anyways idk what i was getting here#echoes of the past is still like a 9/10 episode i love it will all my little heart#and maybe the writers had in mind that lunter could develop into a familial bond before they realized the implications of evelyn's existence#and then were like welp. this is awkward now is it. and neither committed to sibling bond or romantic bond#also let it be known that youtube user local has changed my entire outlook on media and you should watch his videos#and he's like a year younger than me. do you want to make out with me white boy. i am free every monday and wednesday#toh#oh wait i have another thought. amiter is a Good ship. way more potential than huntlow#amity has two hands :)#oh nooooooooooo i didn't censor the ship JDHKJFHSKJFHSFHDSKJFHDJKSHFKDSHFJKDSHFJKDSHFJKDSHFJKDSHJKFHDSJKFHDSJKFHDJKSHFJKDSHFJKDSHFJKDSHFJKDH
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the history of the term dead name is from how no matter what your friends and chosen family call you in life, the family responsible for your funeral was likely to ignore this and put your “deadname” on your gravestone. So even if your friends and loved ones have called you Steven for years, your family might put “Sarah” on the tombstone.
i don't get the whole deadname thing. like i do empirically but it never applied to me. personally my birth name's like. idk, yugoslavia? it's not accurate to call me that now and if you do you're a bit dense, but sometimes you need to speak about history with the names it had at the time, and that's all good.
#It’s a shame not many people know this because it really changes the context for deadname. It’s not so much about how you feel about the#Name you had#It’s more about a phenomenon of having your true life and intentions erased in death#To me it honestly feels like the name is more a culmination of so many other things#And it feels like more than about the name#But anyway that’s where that term comes from#Not that it’s wrong to use it to just mean your old name that you would consider dead to you#Anyway i think i may have taken your post and gone a bit off the rails with it#But i just wanted to add some of this info if that’s okay#But i get what you mean#I honestly feel the same about my own birthname#I tend to call i my ‘government name’#Since I that’s funny but also more accurate for me than the feelings that ‘deadname’ evokes#Though i suppose if i died before my parents#It would also be my ‘deadname’ by the very definition that i give
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One of my favorite things to do is to say an opinion of mine is an objective fact when it’s clearly subjective. I understand that this makes me seem like I don’t understand what Objective means.
That’s fine. It’s constantly misused on the news.
It just makes me laugh.
I get a little giggle and some mirth and self satisfaction in situations that otherwise wouldn’t have it.
Plus I make native English speakers look dumb too. I often follow it up by saying my major in school was English. It’s a net good.
Anyone struggling with learning English (or thinks they’re struggling. I’ve met so many people learning English who speak perfectly) that understands it, gets a little laugh and feels smart (as they should being bilingual+ is hard work.) and understands that even Native English speakers mess it up sometimes. Plus I know for the grammatical inclined, it’s annoying and gives them a boost of superiority complex (so pretentious... I know I used to be that sort.) and that cracks me up.
The person learning English, ain’t judging me and determining that I’m lesser for my handle on English, just the reasonable feeling that it’s okay to make mistakes if they judge it at all. Whereas the grammar snob is trying to avoid their faces twitching while they hold themselves back from correcting me all the while feeling that they’re better than me. It’s wonderful how drastically different people think. I’ve literally thought the same when catching a minor grammatical mistake in Italian and when I was a grammar snob, that sort of thing. It used to grind my gears how often the local morning news team would screw it up.
Now it just fills me with glee. For the record very big fan of purposeful misuse of words for the laugh. Like yes, word choice is important for sake of clarity of a message and of course the primary purpose of communication is to share a message with the audience. So I do believe that it’s helpful to have it right. To learn it right. But also people are too precious about it, and so long as people understand you that’s successful communication. Message received and we can all go home.
#I am OP#Grammar it’s made up#(Like literally... people just starting grunting at each other or something and eventually words happened and then around Dictionary#making time. Someone decided that there should be rules of English. That is one of many reasons why U.K. English and North American English#are different languages. Standardization of spelling happened at different points and then Grammar and Dictionaries were developed#on different continents not to mention intentional made differences and 100s of history effecting how it was changed with the times.#We literally make the rules.#jokes that are only funny to me#Words only mean something because we all decided and agree that’s what it means#It’s like the word girl... when we hear it we’re all picturing different girls#A degree of meaning is always lost when talking back and forth trying to communicate#because I can’t input the context of my life into your brain so that you end up picturing that same girl#we’re all just struggling to share meaning and understand each other with an imperfect system we all make up#This is what is meant by all languages spoken are alive#meanings change with the speakers and we’re all changing the meanings as we share it and speak#So rules are helpful because they make meanings more clear. But that doesn’t mean it’s necessary to follow the grammatical rules#to be understood#Man if college freshman me had read the above and known it was me... I’d probably think I was much wiser than I am#Every rule in life is made up. So it’s up to you which ones are worth following#Unasked for advice in the tags as always..#keep it classy folks
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⭐ Pixel Art Fundamentals - Hue Shifting
This technique is not uniquely specific to pixel art, but it's a very common term to hear when starting out watching those "dos and don'ts" videos. So what is hue shifting?
Hue shifting basically means to change the hue when making your shade darker or lighter. In this context, 'hue' = colour!
You may hear 'you need to hue shift more' when getting feedback on your art, but what does that mean really? Here are some examples:
We can see even with just a bit of hue shifting, we have quite a different vibe for each drawing. In warm / daylight settings, no hue shifting can sometimes look a bit muddy or grey.
If we swap the image to grayscale, you can see that they look much the same:
As long as the hue shifted colours have a brightness that makes sense, they usually will work. You can get quite wacky with it.
But is hue shifting always good? Not necessarily.
Below is some of my art where I intentionally didn't hue-shift at all. You can see it gives them an uncanny, digital, or photographic kind of look. As always, techniques are about your intention, or personal style.
I recommend trying different hue shifting methods! I especially love to use a cool blue or teal for the lighter shades.
Thanks for reading and I hope this helped a little! Have fun with it!!
⭐ Read my full pixel art guide here!
#pixel#pixelart#pixel art#pixel art tutorial#tutorial#art tutorial#colour theory#color theory#hue shifting#art#illustration#pixel illustration
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Man, Star Wars has such a great lore, I wish more of it was in the movies
"the jedi don't have therapists-"
jedi philosophy, and in particular the practices and teachings that jedi were expected to implement in their everyday lives, was therapy. dialectical behavior therapy (dbt), to be exact. anyone who's familiar with dbt knows where i'm already going with this, but like genuinely look up the basic tenets of dbt and it's identical with what the jedi were doing.
dbt, to put it simply, is a specific therapy technique that was designed for ptsd and past trauma. it's pretty different from traditional talk therapy. it combines a few different environments (individual, group, etc.), recognizing that no single format of treatment can stand alone.
the key focuses of dbt include:
emotional regulation- understanding, being more aware of, and having more control over your emotions
mindfulness- regulating attention and avoiding anxious fixation on the past or future
interpersonal effectiveness- navigating interpersonal situations
distress tolerance- tolerating distress and crises without spiraling and catastrophizing
i'm sure it's already clear from that list alone how much the jedi teachings correspond with the goals of dbt. the jedi value, teach, and practice the following:
identifying and understanding emotions
mindfulness and living in the present
compassion, diplomacy, and conflict resolution (on interpersonal scales, not just planetary or galactic)
accepting and tolerating certain levels of distress or discomfort (particularly mental, such as discomfort at the thought of losing a loved one to death)
idk man seems almost as if jedi mental health practices and dbt are two sides of a completely identical coin. (fun fact: both star wars and dbt are products of the 70s.)
and guess what? dbt was specifically designed as a treatment for borderline personality disorder. remember that one? or, if you don't, maybe you remember a specific character, the one who was literally used as an example by my professor in my undergrad psych class when she was teaching us about bpd?
tldr: simply existing within the jedi community, practicing jedi teachings, surrounded by a support network of other jedi of all life stages, was the therapy for anakin. even when viewed through a modern lens. it was even, more specifically, the precise type of therapy that has developed in modern times to treat the exact types of mental issues he was struggling with.
#for clarity i'm not trying to be ironic or a smart-ass here#i love the whole run-down on the jedi and their parallels with good mental health practices/queer community/non-western cultures#but i really do wish if more of that would be obvious from the prequel-trilogy and not just in material i'm admittedly not well-versed in#like i genuinely prefer the image this post conveys of the jedi and will build into my vision of them#but also i'm someone who mostly only saw the main movies#and it's way too easy to see the jedi council as some uptight kinda distant old people who scold a child for missing his mother#not saying they were villanious or deserved to be killed or even brought it upon themselves#there was obviously a lot of manipulation from a genuinely malicious party involved in Anakin's downfall#but they don't come across anything near to be competent in dealing with Anakin's issues like this posts says they were#again i'm GLAD all this supporting material exists out there#but when supporting material changes this much of the context that's a really bad case of All There In The Manual IMO#i mean yeah the jedi are flying wuxia monks with glowing swords of course i want them to be cool and diverse and queer-coded#but especially with how big a franchise SW is i think it's fair criticism that if all that stuff is there it could be showed off a bit more#like what the second posts says seems extreme but also if someone is only familiar with the main movies like me#it's easy to see the jedi's treatment of Anakin as the path to hell paved with good intentions
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Ok so I watched the interview with Stephen Rooney, Astarion's writer, and here are some highlights. (I'm an aspiring writer and current game design student who wants to write for games so I'm sorry if some of these insights aren't as interesting to you as they are to me <3)
He calls Astarion his "horrible little vampire boy"
He loves seeing the fandom around Astarion<3
He did write other characters in the game, but mostly NPCs surrounding Astarion or his storyline, so it mostly revolved around Astarion
Astarion is not as connected to other companions/Origins as, for example, Lae'zel and Shadowheart, or Wyll and Karlach are to each other, but he is still reactive to their stories, even if it's just to stand off to the side and laugh when something terrible happens
He had a clear sense of where Astarion's story would start and end, but it got "muddy in the middle", but those are also moments where the best ideas come from
They write from the general idea that every character has one "good" and one "evil" ending, in order to give the player choice. RIP Ascendant apologists :(
According to Stephen, two of the most important aspects of Astarion's character (to keep consistent when bringing him to Idle Champions, at least) is that he enjoys violence, but is also fun about it
"He has a certain appreciation for violence, I guess? A bit of a murdery streak. [...] He's a vampire, he's all about blood, and he's all about, kind of, those darker sides of humanity. [..] But at the same time, he is ... He is really fun, he's really fun to write, he's really fun to have in your party, and it's very important for me that that is also represented."
"He's gonna stab you, but will have a smile on his face as he does it? I mean, I dunno. That's kind of him in a nutshell."
Larian would not have allowed for Astarion to be a typical brooding Dracula type, and there were scenes that were shot down for not being original enough
The main thing about Astarion was trying to get a "sense of fun." It would be easy to write a character that was very unlikable, and they absolutely did not want to do that
Rooney says Astarion is consistently terrible throughout the game and awful in a whole lot of ways, but he also needed to be charming enough that you could tolerate his presence and wanted him around
Rooney also had a lot of input on Astarion's stats (meaning the 10 Charisma is probalby 100% intentional)
He also had input on how certain lines should be delivered, even though the writers didn't directly work with voice actors
The way Astarion moves and poses is "all Neil"
Apparently, Neil Newbon worked on the character for years and Rooney did not speak to him once, though his voice work did influence how Astarion's lines were written and it became a "feedback loop" (Possible context for "ONLY SLIGHTLY, NEIL")
There were no points where a line delivery drastically changed Astarion's writing; rather it was a constant, slow evolution
However, there was one very spoilery moment where Neil gave such emotion to some "basic" lines that it fundamentally changed the scene (WHAT IS IT OMG)
It's difficult to balance approval, as you don't want to straight up write a monster. Every character needs to have some humanity in them. So if it comes to leaving the party, it needed to be the result of something central to said character. They wanted to be mindful of situations that would cause actual rifts between characters. (I assume this is why most generic disapprovals/approvals are +/- 1 or 2, while character-related ones give +/-5 or more)
However, as they don't write straight up horrible people/monsters, it doesn't come up as often as one might think.
The interviewer makes a point about how characters like Astarion and Lae'zel are good examples of how to play "evil" characters, as they are maybe not the best people but are still eager and willing to stick around the other party members
They worked to make sure the characters would work as a group, no matter the configuration of the group. The characters needed to be on the same path, even if they don't always agree or walk that path the same way.
Stephen Rooney is very proud of the "climactic" scene of Astarion's story. (AS HE SHOULD BE.) He even had to step away from the computer and have an emotional moment. Me too, man.
He's also "extremely pleased" that there's a point where you can punch Astarion in the face. "Actually, that one might be my favorite part" A MAN OF THE PEOPLE!!
Stephen Rooney's tip on what specific thing you should try out with Astarion: When he's trying to get a "sneaky nibble" at night, you should "probably" let him bite you. Way ahead of you there, sir.
No discussion about Astarion's romance unfortunately, but that's that!
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#astarion#anyway ... after dragon age it feels so mindblowing to have writers who aren't apologists for their characters
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what friends do
pairing: felix x gn!reader w. 2.1k genre: fluff, a bit of angst and suggestive content summary: at some point a few months ago, felix kissed you for the first time. you didn't mean to catch feelings, but the lazy make-out sessions on his couch were melting your heart. warnings: swearing a/n: this is a fic i wrote on ao3 almost a year ago for @ppiri-bahng! i just wanted to post it on here. unlikely for a part 2 but enjoy :)
At some point a few months ago, Felix kissed you for the first time.
You'd been friends for years up to this point. You met him not long before his debut, so you're his day one. There was always something about the way you interacted with each other that felt so right, and it's why you became such close friends so fast. You spent all the time in the world together, and you'd spend every moment of every day with him, if you could. Felix had agreed with you once that you were soulmates. He was the best friend you'd ever had.
There was nearly nothing you didn't tell or do with Felix. He knew all of your secrets, little facts about you, every person in your life that was significant to you, and it was reciprocated on your end. You two knew each other like the back of your hand, and it felt as if nothing could ever separate you. There was nothing you wouldn't do for Felix, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for you.
So, when he asked if he could kiss you, you said yes.
"Hey."
Your eyes opened, previously closed as your head was slumped onto Felix's shoulder. The television in front of you had some romantic comedy movie on, but you weren't nearly awake enough to know what it was about. You moved your head off of the boy next to you and looked over at him, his chocolate eyes returning your gaze. "Yeah?"
"Would you kiss me?" Felix let his words out nonchalantly, which you struggled to tell if it was the byproduct of his exhaustion or if it was his attitude towards the question in general. His eyes never left yours, so you assumed there was some care behind it.
You shrugged. "Uhh, I don't see why not. Why, do you wanna kiss me or something?" The thought of kissing Felix hadn't really crossed your mind, aside from the few times you stared at his lips a little too long and wondered how soft they were. But really, you'd never thought that way of him.
"I might." Felix pursed his lips and stared at you, which you almost immediately picked up on what he was doing. The look in his eyes and his expression was one you'd seen a million times before, it what was Felix did when he wanted something. You'd usually see it in the context of him wanting some food or to go out, but the look never changed.
Your eyebrows furrowed a little bit, wondering his intentions. Felix never liked you in that way, at least that's what he claimed. "Is this just a totally platonic thing between friends? Why do you want me to kiss you?"
"I just.." Felix trailed off for a moment, tapping his finger on his leg, "I want to kiss you because I miss kissing. The few times I've done it, it was always so nice and fun.. and I thought you'd be chill with it. It's not a romantic thing for me. It's just something I've wanted to do for a while, but I get it if you don't want to."
"No, no.. I get it. If it's not changing anything between us, I don't really see why not. Kissing is fun."
Felix smiled and nodded softly. He let out a sigh of relief and put his arm around your shoulder. "Can I kiss you now?"
"Yeah."
That's where it started. The first time you put your hand on his chest and your lips collided, his hands finding their way to cupping your cheek and the back of your neck, pulling you in close. When you first found out that you were right, his lips were as soft as they seemed. An assortment of little pecks turns slower and into deeper, longer kisses that are more drawn out and intimate. You didn't expect him to kiss you for that long, but you didn't mind. He was a good kisser, which he occupied you with for three minutes the first time around.
Every time the two of you broke apart for little gasps of air, he'd give you these smiles that would break you. Something made kissing him so fun and easy, so addicting and great. The way your hand rose and fell as it stayed planted on his chest made your heart flutter a little. Fuck, wait. No, that's a little too much. A little weird.
Then, it kept happening.
You'd be sitting around in the dorm kitchen, cooking up a meal, and a pair of arms would surround your waist. You'd look down, seeing skinny arms covered in freckles, and smile. Felix needed kisses. You'd tell him to leave you be, that you had to pay attention to your food, but his little pecks on your neck and cheek got you hooked. You'd end up with food burning as you were pressed into the kitchen counter, giving slow, sloppy kisses to Felix for far too long. When he finally let you go, he'd apologize for burning your food and take you out to eat.
Then it was movie night again. Then it was in his room. Then your room.
Felix turned out to love kissing a lot more than you expected. Almost any time you were alone together turned into a lazy make out session. You'd learned the ins and outs of what he liked, how your mouths fit together just right, how eager he was to add tongue, or how he'd always smile into the kiss when you wrapped your arms around his waist or put your hand on his chest.
Every time you'd pull away from him, finally stopping, you'd often end up laying your head on his chest and your head felt fuzzy. Your brain hadn't felt like this before, which was utterly confusing. This was your best friend, but every time you made out with him, your stomach would pull flips and feel like you had butterflies. But, in your head, he was just a friend.
Was he?
You sat on Felix's bed, scrolling your Twitter feed and turning your brain off to the real world. The room was nice and just cold enough for you to be wearing one of Felix's sweaters, which was your favorite. He'd always let you borrow them when it was cold in the house, and they smelled like him. They smelled like home, always taking you to a safe space mentally and cooling your anxiety for a bit.
Peering past your phone, you tuned back in to hear angry phrases coming out of Felix as he sat at his desk. Watching Felix play games was funny, since he never seemed to improve much at them. He always got mad when he lost, and overjoyed when he won. It was obvious he was playing a losing game, and it would be over shortly. You watched on, picking up more about how the game worked, as he gave up and the game ended. He threw his arms up in exasperation, standing up from his desk.
"You okay?" You knew he wouldn't ever really be upset over a game, not in a true way. Though, you always liked to ask so he could vent his frustrations and feel better faster.
"Yeah, fuck, it's just-" Felix let out a long sigh, covering his face with his hands, "I hate playing this game. I always end up losing a bad game and I'm in a bad mood for a while. I don't even know why I play it."
"Awh, 'lix," You opened your arms, "Come here."
Felix walked over slowly to the bed, slumping his body into yours and burying his face in the crook of your neck. Your heart tensed, a warm feeling shooting through your body as you wrapped your arms around him and held him close. He let out soft murmurs, speaking angrily under his breath in an unintelligible way that you couldn't make out what he was saying.
You rubbed his back softly in silence until he finally sat up on his own, looking at you. You met his eyes, entranced in his beauty for a few moments before you looked at his expression. Your eyebrows furrowed. "Felix.."
"Please?"
Fuck. Felix's smooth, deep voice always won you over. As soon as he pleaded with you, you folded for him. Your mouth pursed as you tried to fight off a smile, looking away as you took a deep sigh. "Okay, fine."
Felix smiled giddily and let out a small noise of excitement, which hit you in the gut again. You leaned back against the wall behind you, legs dangling over the short side of the bed as Felix climbed onto your lap. You reached up and brushed a bit of hair out of his face, which he smiled at. Your heart wasn't dealing well with this. Before you could keep thinking, he pressed his lips against yours and you were taken into a mind-numbing state of bliss.
Your arms stayed firmly wrapped around his waist to keep him secure as his hands stayed planted on your neck and cheek. Your kisses were always perfectly slow and tender, Felix never liking to rush through it. The way his lips dragged almost lazily over yours drove you crazy, but you took it at his pace, as much as you'd like to go faster.
At least he was a crazy good kisser. You could never get bored of kissing him, even if you had to spend an hour doing it. You just might, as your longest kissing session went for half an hour with only two small breaks in it. Making out with Felix could take up all your time, and you'd be okay with it. As much as you hated how much you liked kissing him, it was true.
So when he finally pulled away from you a few minutes later, you felt a tensing in your gut. Your lips formed a thin line as you looked down at the bed, unable to contain how you were feeling. Every time you kissed, your feelings for him got progressively worse. You'd reached a breaking point.
"You alright?"
Your chest got a strike of pain through it. The innocence and caring in Felix's deep voice could've shattered you in that moment. You were a house of cards spilled all over the floor. You wanted so badly to tell him a lie, tell him everything was normal and fine, but you knew deep down it wasn't true. You loved him.
"No." Your voice shook, tears forming in your eyes. It was too much to handle.
"Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm here. What's wrong?" Felix stroked your hair softly, leaning down to try to see your face.
You pressed your face directly into his chest, a place that had grown to be your comfort spot. His scent filled you with that soothing feeling, but your stomach turned again and you knew it meant something different now than it did before. A tear slid down your cheek. "I can't do this anymore, Felix. It's too much for me."
"Too much for you? Am I making you uncomfortable? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you," Felix wrapped his arms around you and held you close.
"No, it's not that at all," Your voice broke, trying not to sob, "I think.. somewhere in this whole kissing thing.. I caught feelings for you. I haven't been able to tell you because I didn't want to make it weird, but it was making me feel so guilty.. and I was liking this too much for my own good. I get it if you don't want to hang out with me anymore, Felix. I'm sorry."
Felix froze for a little bit. He continued to hold you and stroke your hair, but he was silent for long enough to make you worry. Your heart ached as you realized that this might be the end of your relationship with him.
"I think I did, too."
"What?" You pulled back suddenly from his chest, meeting his eyes.
Felix's brows furrowed as he nodded. "I wasn't lying when I wanted to kiss you because I missed kissing.. but I think I did it partly because I wanted to kiss you specifically, and I thought I'd fuck things up between us if I tried to make it more than friends."
"Oh, Felix.." You broke into a smile, a few tears still rolling down your face, "You should've told me."
"I know.. I just couldn't get myself to do it. You were in my head all the time, driving me crazy. I knew it wasn't what friends do, but it was the only way I could still be normal friends with you without going mad."
"So, does that mean we can kiss.. like, not just as friends?"
"Yeah."
#felix#lee felix#felix x reader#lee felix x reader#stray kids#skz#stray kids x reader#skz x reader#skz imagines#skz fic#felix skz
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Let's Talk About Security Culture: Why Keeping Secrets is Cool and Sexy
It's a natural impulse -- if you love crime -- to want to talk about how great it is. And if you hate America, it's only natural to want to share your dreams for its future with the rest of tumblr dot com. It can feel brave and transgressive. And there is a drive to share your soul with the world at the heart of social media. Surely I should be posting the most concrete implications of my politics, right? This is the poster's curse.
Security Culture refers to a set of "best practices" developed over the past several decades, largely (in a US context) coming out of radical environmental groups as they faced intense state repression, infiltration and entrapment. If you're not familiar, there's some fascinating crimethinc write ups to give you a window into that world:
Much of it boils down to: don't talk about crimes, past or forthcoming with people who don't need to know about them, and be mindful of the possibility of surveillance and infiltration. And, we can support each other as a community in minimizing risks, with an eye towards enabling bold action rather than getting bogged down in fears and anxieties. The guidelines that make sense for AG-based trouble-makers are different from the guidelines that make sense for posters, but plenty of common principles apply. To speak briefly to our position here as posters:
First, it bears saying that long term anonymity is nearly impossible to maintain. Unless you've never accessed Tumblr without a vpn, and avoided connections with other ppl who can be associated with you/your location, and never shared pictures without scrubbing metadata, and a bunch of other 100% consistent steps, it's trivial for the state to know who you are.
Second, just because something isn't actively being prosecuted now doesn't mean it can't be prosecuted later. The priorities of the state change and a shift in power towards the right or a growth in radical action from the left can suddenly make it a priority to destroy anarchist networks or just find a few ppl to prosecute as examples (who probably weren't that plugged into larger networks before getting arrested). Advocating for specific anti-government crimes or declarations of intent to commit such crimes are likely prosecutable, and even if charges don't stick, they're an easy vector for legal harassment.
Third, it's worth thinking about heat as separate from prosecutability. There are modes of engagement that may not be directly criminalized but signal that you are someone worth watching. Some people choose to be public in ways that make heat unavoidable. But it's worth noting that heat isn't strictly individualized, that it persists over time but also is going to shrink over time.
It's easy on here, ime, to see yourself as a proud member of the crime fandom but not much of a content creator. And it's easy to feel like you've generated an amount of heat where you're locked into that role. But heat you generated 10 years ago is probably pretty well gone. Heat you generated 5 years ago has faded substantially. It's worth thinking about how the world might shift in the coming years and what doors you want to keep open.
The non-individualized nature of heat also means that leaning into the spiciest of anti-state positions will make it a bad idea for people who are acting out those positions end up tied to you. Loudly talking about how "more people should be doing [X/Y/Z]" unfortunately sets you up to remain distant from people who might be doing or thinking about doing such things.
Which brings me back to: keeping secrets is sexy. Not spelling everything out builds intrigue. You can lay out a theoretical position and leave working out the practical implications of that as an exercise for the reader. There's value in opacity. The poster's curse and the drive to confess are extremely convenient for the state, but we can resist them. We can hold dreams in our hearts that we refuse to offer up to the posting spectacle.
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