#i knew he won’t be there but STILL
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alpha tauri confirmed daniel is out for monza
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what if i ended it all right now.
#THEY KNOW WHAT THEYRE DOING#THEY KNEW WE WOULD EAT THIS UP FR ‼️#they saw how much of a reaction we had to the homoerotic chin grab#so they decided to feed us another sexually charged snippet#as a little treat#it’s not queerbaiting but that doesn’t mean i cant still get mad that they won’t end up together in this movie#wdym the mario movie isn’t just about these two i refuse to believe it.#i love how twinkified luigi is in this movie like he’s so girlypop and for what 😭#luigi#bowser#bowuigi#super mario bros#smb#super mario bros movie#mario movie#mario movie trailer#GAY#GAY PEOPLE REAL
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being disabled and having a support system is so important because it turns mundane (and often frustrating) tasks into acts of love.
everytime i clip my nails, i think of the high school teacher who helped me through seizures at least once a week for two years straight. everyday she’d gently take my hands and inspect my nails to make sure i was keeping them short enough that i couldn’t hurt myself while seizing.
it’s easier to be less ashamed of my mobility aids when one of my coworkers spent months building me different canes to use, colored to match my outfits and infused with glow-in-the-dark dye so i’d stop losing my cane in the dark parts of the building.
i eat cheesitz for salt when i’m feeling dizzy and it reminds me of high school, sitting next to my best friend and in the classroom of my favorite teacher who both kept salty snacks in their bags for when i wasn’t feeling good.
being disabled can suck in so many ways, but it’s also brought love into a lot of simple but impactful areas of my life.
#my mom leaves the room when i’m having seizures because it stresses her out#and said teacher above cradles my head in her lap and talks to me whether i’m unconscious or not#my dad gets annoyed the one time he’s called to deal with my seizures#and i think about the boy in my class who barely knew me and still carried me on his back for an entire field trip#because my teacher didn’t have the foresight to see how walking miles would be a problem#i have my first seizure on the floor of random building on that same field trip#and that teacher sits a few feet away and doesn’t do anything to help#while my best friends grips my hand and one of my classmates tucks a stuffed animal under my elbow for comfort#if being disabled has taught me one things#it’s there are people who will love you endlessly without thought#and other who won’t#and when you find those people who will love you it makes life ever so much easier#anyway happy disability pride month#disability#disability pride#disability pride month
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have to keep repeating in my head; he’s leaving soon he’s moving out he’s got a job so he’s leaving in two months he’s moving out every time i see a mess my brother has made in the house
#he leaves a trail….#bathroom soaking fucking wet and covered in soap bubbles??? is he making potions????#kitchen sides covered in crumbs. hob covered in grease and bits of food. sink turning to mulsh at the joins bc he keeps it SOAKING FUCKING#WET. floors a mess. bins full. sofa cushions all over???????#I DONT GET ITTTTTT#SHOES IN THR MIDDLE OF THR HALLWAYS AND KITCHEN??#WASHING MACHINE DOOR WIDE OPEN MICROWAVE DOOR OPEN#no room in the fridge for my shopping bc it’s full of his alcohol…..#the list goes on. the man doesn’t get up until 2pm#i just..#im so frustrated#and my mum is like ‘he’s got nowhere else to stay and it’s so nice seeing him. it could be years before we see him again’ like girl be so#fucking real rn#we facetime him every week when he’s abroad and tbh i spoke to him more then than i do now - like he sits in another room from us. doesn’t#eat with us. when it was mums birthday he put up a fuss about sitting in the same room for takeaway liiiiike— idc if he had shit going on#that day either buck up for mums fucking birthday knobhead#i don’t see him bc im at work or he’s not awake when i am or when im in the house still#like yeah sure ‘won’t get to see him again’#should’ve just been like#promise?? 🤪🤪🤪#bc this is tooooo much now#he doesn’t change!!!! he doesn’t!!#i put a recycle bag at the front door to take out in the afternoon when i knew i was leaving the house but he left before me and i had to#ASK and point out the fucking bag and say ‘put that in the blue bin pls’#like if he’s staying here then pull ur weight if it’s ’your house too’#fucking HELLLLLLL#also might add that he’s staying here for free but uses the heating SO liberally like that bill is going to be sky high but it’s me and mum#that pay it 😐#and he’s been told.#just does it when we’re not in bc i caught him the other day with it on 24c which the radiators can’t even fucking reachhhh UGHHHHHHHHH
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My favorite part of writing Lifeweaver is playing up his usual silly goofy funney guy act, then throwing in a “his family hasn’t talked to him in 10 years” or “every day he grapples with the knowledge that he could be killed at any moment and his creation used to usher in an ecological dystopia the likes of which we’ve never seen before”
#overwatch#lifeweaver#honestly what I love about him (of many things) is his moral greyness and his hubris#cause like. sure he wants to heal the world and all that#but he also knows full well what hells could be unleashed by a corporation getting hold of his ‘self-propagating biomass’#but he creates it anyway. because he can#and lbr you know there is zero chance that biolight will not eventually fall into wicked hands if Niran ‘gives it to the world’#once it’s out there he won’t be able to control who has it or what they do with it#so yeah. he knew all that entailed but he still wanted to play savior anyway#maybe to prove that he’s worth something - that his life is more than just a series of failures
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*he spilled my cup of paint water all over everything idk why I said he spilled watercolors I just woke up girls
I literally walked away for two minutes tops to make coffee and came back to his ass sitting on this water color palette and my painting open after spilling my watercolor water all over it
Look at that face. He knows he did something wrong hahahha
#I really wish I had a pic of him just sitting on the watercolors bc it was hilarious#like he looked so innocent and cute and I just knew his was was covered in various colors hashahwhwha#but i was more concerned with the toxicity so my immediate reaction was to try to clean his paws the best I could#and research#it won’t cause any skin or gastrointestinal issues so we’re good thankfully#he will be fine don’t worry lmao it’s water based watercolors#gonna watch him close just in case#grabbed him asap and a wash cloth and took him to the sink#but yes to reiterate it’s NOT TOXIC AND HE IS FINE I PROMISE#also thank goodness I grabbed him immediately before he started prancing around on the white carpet bc I would be yelled at for weeks#u have four bloody scratches on my face but there are not rainbow foot prints all over the house and he is safe so I am fine with that#i**#they’re ^#the way cats attack you and think they’re being punished when you’re literally potentially trying to just save their life#or help them#like unhooking their claw from somethin their stuck too#and like I give a fuck about clothes as much as my cat but there’s paint all over my favorite robe too now hahah#legit thiught the red streaks on my face were watercolor hahahaha so I was like oh shit that blood#I’m not mad#after I found out it wasn’t toxic and that he didn’t step all over the wet carpets and that he was okay i laughed for like 15 minutes#I’m still laughing like… y’all ☠️#please excuse my voice I’m a little sick and I sound like a southerner ew#like why do i sound like someone’s Christian Baptist mother offering someone cookies#Queso#my cats#lmao
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Haha I’ve got. Too many ausssss
But I did think up a new modern one. That follows the og video game plot a bit but Narinder was trapped for 10,000 years and instead of commuting a sheep genocide the bishops make all sheep have to prove every month that they’re not worshiping The One Who Waits and have no intention to free him
#I have thought up more for this but. idk maybe some other time#I will say that somehow the longer he was imprisoned the less angry Narinder became#he hasn’t really forgiven his siblings but he’s had a WHOLE LOT of time to reflect#he still doesn’t think what they did (and then what he did) was right. but he understands why they panicked and did it#also a few hundred years b4 the ‘start’ of the au he found a way to release the twins from their ‘duty’ so they were able to leave#they somehow got immortality like their momma tho so dw they’re still around#Also narilamb happens sooner#like. I’m thinking they confess when Lamb goes to sacrifice theirself (yeah they do that cause they knew that was the outcome from the#get go lolllll)#and they try to figure out a different way to free him in the end#…………….So you know how human sacrifices were usually virgins-#you’re gonna have to put the pieces together on that one#cult of the lamb#my posts#barely ever use that tag lmao#narilamb#true devotion#me: Yeah i thought of more for this but I won’t say it rn#proceeds to say just so much in the tags#like. if you want to send an ask my way or comment on this or rb w questions… 👉👈
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is episode 8 the domitian arc ? more on this and EVEN MORE narratives i’ve been ignoring that the show said “actually,,,” about in 5
#hermes staying domitian’s hand… hermes’ face a flash of discomfort when he was torturing tenax… hmm. character growth.#WHAT WAS THAT HERMES. WHAT WAS THAT LOOK. NO GIRL GET BACK HERE I CANNOT ALSO DO THIS NARRATIVE OF YOU NO LONGER ABLE TO PULL HIM BACK FROM#THE BRINK OF HIS CRUELTY WATCHING HIM CHANGE AND SEEKING OUT SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS NEED AND FEAR AND ANGST. NO BABY GIRLLLL#I DON’T WANT TO WRITE A HERMES POINT OF VIEWWWW OF THE SIX YEARS HE SPENT WATCHING DOMITIAN BLOOMMMM INTO HIS POWER AND CORRUPTTTT because.#correct me if i’m wrong but in that very first scene that was a young hermes in the white right he watched domitian give his speech and saw#his father to truly see him the whole time as hermes has seen his brilliance.#NO I ALSO SAW THAT GUARD’S HEAD FOLLOW HERMES oh i hate it here. you know what i also hate? i need domitian to be successful for tenax#but also i do kinda like titus… NOOOOOO NO KILLING TITUS DOMITIAN I JUST SAID I LIKED HIM!!!! DOMITIAN!!!#oh. ohhhh no. OH NOOOO okay listen we can redeem this. we can have the whole turning point of the narrative be domitian’s mercy of hermes#the ultimate staying of his hand. proving he’s not entirely gone that hermes & his love still means something. do i think this will happen#no absolutely not. before he can kill his brother domitian has to kill the only other living person he loves perhaps more than titus if he#could ever realize it. (a brief interlude to yell LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO HI IRIS) domitian… please spare him… OH WAIT HELLO THE BLOOD!!#ALSO a brief interlude to say i knew it was coming but ELIA’S SPEECH ABOUT LOVING INCITATUS??? I WAS ON THIS INCITATUS SHIT WITH THE LITTLE#NOD THEY HAD WHERE SCORPUS CALLED HIM TO BEAT XENON OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! elia’s going to crush him. incitatus won’t listen.#scorpus is going to die twice once when they call elia’s name instead of his and then the second time when the scorpion bites him again#(he kills himself and tenax finds him. sorry to give everyone absolutely maximum damage here but uh. that’s how i can see it going down)#or alternatively worse: after killing titus who at times he loves and hates in equal measure (if y’all don’t think I have some UNHINGED#brothers quotes. we’ll keep mum here about why but suffice to say it is. relevant to other fandoms. and thus i have a Collection) the last#thing domitian has to do is kill hermes. and this one is both out of betrayal but also love because I think somewhere in here titus’ queen#berenice plays a role because domitian’s hatred of the jews probably comes to play a role and I think titus would show up and protect her#like Domitian engineers some kind of a situation where in theory titus could escape alive or beat him but he can’t do that & save berenice#and so of course he saved berenice. or she dies in his arms and he goes mad with grief and any way you put it berenice is the trap & titus#happily crawls into the lion’s mouth to save her for love of her etc and domitian sees him die for it. he gives titus every chance to come#back to him to work with him to be what he wants him to be and he always chooses himself he chooses love and domitian can’t understand even#when it makes him weak. and then he sees hermes dirty and emaciated and still terribly terribly beautiful and feels such a pang of longing#and love that he decides he has to die because he (domitian) cannot be weak. he cannot have any of it. also giving domitian worse paranoia#than he already has because if you kill your brother the one person who should always love you—support you—who can build me a new brother—#you’ve gotta generate some MAJOR issues. namely trust issues. and if he kills hermes they’ll be even worse. so like ideally To Me domitian#wouldn’t kill him but i do very much see the symbolism of cutting off his last earthly tie & desire to ascend to the divine imperial throne#those about to die
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I love that the “There’s only one bed” trope for Symweaver would just be a normal day for them that they don’t even think twice about it. They’d sleep in each other’s beds in their dorm as students whenever they felt like it and still do the same on the Arcology. They’re at complete ease in each other’s presence that they never really thought to make it a big deal
The only differences are that Niran cuddles her a lot more because he likes how it’s a different vibe to intentionally snuggle somewhere away from home, and Satya studies his face a lot more because the environment isn’t the same and it’s comforting that he’s a universal constant to her
#symmetra#lifeweaver#symweaver#satya vaswani#niran pruksamanee#overwatch#Overwatch 2#she was probably uneasy about sleeping at the Arcology for a long time and would just constantly stare at him so he knew she was still wary#and he’d be thrilled the second he noticed she didn’t need to watch him anymore because she was so used to being there#she just vibes near him unless he asks if they can snug#he usually doesn’t sleep until ungodly hours but he does enjoy coming to bed and seeing satya sleeping there already#it makes him adore her even more every single time#he hates going to bed by himself so as long as he knows she’s in the room somewhere even if it’s not the same bed he feels comfortable#also I think Satya should be the hot one and he leeches off of her warmth because it’s funny that way#she likes how cool he feels so she doesn’t mind him clinging to her when they cuddle#I bet they’re disgusting to be around because they won’t get up if you accidentally walk in on them#Suraj is probably their number one hater from anytime he walked in on them being grossly lovey dovey at any given moment#I’m tired and laying in a hotel room at an anime con rn so I’m having eepy cozy thoughts rn
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Kingdom of Ash Chapter 59
Chapter; Highlights
His ears still rang with the din of battle, his breath a rasping beat echoed by Aelin.
Atop the blood-slick battlements, their allies and companions around them, Rowan wordlessly passed Aelin the waterskin. She drank deeply, then handed it to Fenrys.
An unleashing and release. That's what the battle had been for his mate.
Hasar at last looked Aelin over. "I heard you put on a show today."
Rowan braced himself.
Aelin turned from the battlefield and inclined her head. "You look as if you did, too." Indeed, Hasar's ornate armor was splattered with black blood. She'd been in the thick of it, atop her Muniqi horse, and had ridden right up to the gates. But the princess made no further comment.
Irritation, deep and nearly hidden, flashed in Aelin's eyes. Yet she didn't speak again-didn't push the princess about their next steps. She just watched the battlefield once more, chewing on her lip.
She'd barely stopped during the battle, halting only when there had been no more Valg left to kill. And in the minutes since the walls had been cleared, she'd remained quiet— distant. As if she was still climbing out of that calm, calculating place she'd descended into while fighting. She hadn't bothered to remove any of her armor. The bronze battle-crown was caked with blood, her hair matted with it.
Chaol's father had taken one look at her armor, at Rowan's, and gone white with rage.
For now. They had bigger things to consider. Things that drove his mate to gnaw on her lip. When Prince Kashin's army might arrive, if they would indeed head northward to Terrasen. If today had been enough to win them over.
"Any nearby are to run here. Those farthest out will have to flee for the forest." Rowan met Aelin's stare. Her hands began shaking.
This cannot end here, she seemed to say.
Panic—panic indeed flared in her eyes. Rowan gripped her trembling hand and squeezed.
But there was no truth or lie that might soothe her. No truth or lie to save the army on the plain.
Something had gone wrong. Something was wrong.
The battlefield stretched into the distance, healers darting amongst the felled bodies with white banners high to indicate their locations. So many. So many dead and wounded. A sea of them.
Elide reached Chaol's side just as Nesryn Faliq leaped atop her beautiful ruk, launching into a dive for the army below. No-the other ruks.
Elide laid a hand on Lord Chaol's shoulder, drawing his attention from where he watched Nesryn fly off. Blood-splattered, but his bronze eyes were clear. And full of terror.
Any message that Yrene had given Elide faded from her memory. "What's wrong?"
It was Aelin who answered, her bloodied armor strange and ancient. A vision of old. "The dam is going to break," the queen said hoarsely. "And wipe away anyone on the plain."
Oh gods. Oh gods.
Elide glanced between them, and knew the answer to her next question: What can be done?
Nothing.
Ruks took to the skies, flapping toward them, soldiers in their talons and clinging to their backs.
"Has anyone warned the healers?" Elide pointed to the white banners waving so far out into the plain. "The Healer on High?" Hafiza was down there, Yrene had said.
Silence. Then Prince Sartaq swore in his own tongue, and sprinted for his golden ruk. He was spearing for the battlefield within seconds, his shouts ringing out. Kadara dipped every few moments, and when she rose again, another small figure was in her talons. Healers. Grabbing as many of them as he could.
Elide whirled to her companions as soldiers began running for the keep, trampling corpse and injured alike. Orders went out in the language of the southern continent, and more soldiers on the battlefield leaped into action.
"What elsewhat else can we do?" Elide demanded. Aelin and Rowan only stared toward the battlefield, watching with Fenrys and Gavriel as the ruks raced to save as many as they could. Behind them, Princess Hasar paced, and Chaol and his father murmured about where they might fit everyone in the keep. Those who survived.
Elide looked at them again. Looked at all of them.
And then asked quietly, "Where is Lorcan?" None of them turned. Elide asked, louder, "Where is Lorcan?" Gavriel's tawny eyes scanned hers, confusion dancing there. "He ... he went out onto the battlefield during the fighting. I saw him just before the khagan's troops reached him."
"Where is he?" Elide's voice broke. Fenrys faced her now. Then Rowan and Aelin. Elide begged, voice breaking, "Where is Lorcan?" From their stunned silence, she knew they hadn't so much as wondered.
Elide whirled to the battlefield. To that endless stretch of fallen bodies. Soldiers fleeing. Many of the wounded being abandoned where they lay. So many bodies. So, so many soldiers down there.
"Where." No one answered. Elide pointed toward the battlefield and snarled at Gavriel, "Where did you see him join with the khagan's forces?"
"Nearly on the other side of the field," Gavriel answered, voice strained, and pointed across the plain. "I—I didn't see him after that."
"Shit," Fenrys breathed.
Rowan said to him, "Use your magic. Jump to the field, find him, and bring him back."
Relief crumpled Elide's chest.
Until Fenrys said, "I can't."
"You didn't use it once during the battle," Rowan challenged. "You should be fully primed to do it."
Fenrys blanched beneath the blood on his face, and cast pleading eyes to Elide. "I can't."
Silence fell on the battlements.
Then Rowan growled, "You won't." He pointed with a bloody finger to the battlefield.
"You'd let him die, and for what? Aelin forgave him." His tattoo scrunched as he snarled again.
"Save him."
Fenrys swallowed. But Aelin said, "Leave it, Rowan." Rowan snarled at her too. She snarled right back. "Leave it."
Some unspoken conversation passed between them, and the hope flaring in Elide's chest went out as Rowan backed down. Gave Fenrys an apologetic nod. Fenrys, looking like he was going to be sick, just faced the battlefield again.
Elide backed away a step. Then another.
Lorcan couldn't be dead.
She would know if he were dead. She would know it, in her heart, her soul, if he were gone.
He was down there. He was down there, in that army, perhaps injured and bleeding out — No one stopped her as Elide raced inside the keep. Each step limped, pain cracking through her leg, but she didn't falter as she hit the interior stairwell and plunged into the chaos.
She had made him a promise.
She had sworn him an oath, all those months ago.
I will always find you.
Soldiers and healers fled up the stairs, shoving past Elide. The shouting was near-deafening, bouncing off the ancient stones. She battled her way down, sobbing through her teeth.
I will always find you.
Pushing, elbowing, bellowing at the frantic people who ran past her, Elide fought for each step downward. Toward the gates.
People screamed, a never-ending flood surging up the stairs. Still Elide pushed her way down, losing a step here, another there. They did not even look at her, even try to clear a way as they flowed upward. It was only when Elide lost another step that she roared into the stairwell, "Clear a path for the queen!"
No one listened, so she did it again. She filled her voice with command, with every ounce of power that she'd seen the Fae males use to intimidate their opponents. "Clear a path for the queen!"
This time, people pressed against the walls.
Elide took the small opening, and screamed her order again and again, ankle barking with every step down.
But she made it. Made it to the chaotic lower level, to the open gates teeming with soldiers. Beyond them, bodies stretched into the horizon. Warriors and healers and those bearing the wounded rushed toward any stairwell they could find.
Elide managed all of five limping steps toward the open gate before she knew it would be impossible. To cross the field, to find him on the endless plain, before that dam burst and he was swept away. Before he was gone forever.
He was not dead.
He was not dead.
I will always find you.
Elide scanned the gates, the skies for any sign of a ruk that might carry her. But they soared to the upper levels, crawling with soldiers and healers, some even depositing their charges onto the mountain face itself. And at ground level, none would hear her cries for help.
No soldiers would stop, either.
Elide scanned the other end of the gates' entryway.
Beheld the horses being led out from their stables by frantic handlers, the beasts bucking at the panic around them as they were hauled toward the teeming ramps.
A black mare reared, her cry a sharp warning before she slashed her hooves at the handler. Lord Chaol's horse. The handler shrieked and fell back, barely grasping the reins as the horse stomped, her ears flat to her head.
Elide did not think. Did not reconsider. She limped for the horses and the stables.
She said to the frantic handler, still backing away from the half-wild horse, "I'll get her." The man, white-faced, threw her the reins.
"Good luck." Then he, too, ran.
The mare Farasha-yanked so hard on the reins that Elide was nearly hurled across the stones. But she planted her feet, leg screaming, and said to the horse, "I have need of you, fierce-heart." She met Farasha's dark, raging eyes. "I have need of you." Her voice broke.
"Please."
And gods above, that horse stilled. Blinked.
Horses and handlers streamed past them, but Elide held firm. Waited until Farasha lowered her head, as if in permission.
The stirrups were low enough thanks to Lord Chaol's long legs that Elide could reach them. She still bit down on her shout as her weight settled on her bad ankle, as she pushed, and heaved herself into Farasha's fine saddle. A small mercy, that they had not even had time to unsaddle the horses after battle. A set of what seemed to be braces hung from its sides, surely to keep Lord Chaol stabilized, and Elide unhooked them. Any weight, anything to slow her, had to be discarded.
Elide gathered the reins. "To the battlefield, Farasha."
With a whinnying cry, Farasha plunged into the fray.
Soldiers leaped from their path, and Elide did not stop to apologize, did not stop for anyone, as she and the black mare charged toward the gates. Then through them.
And onto the plain.
#Chapter 59#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Rowan Whitethorn#Aelin Galathynius#Nesryn Faliq#Chaol Westfall#Yrene Towers#Gavriel#Princess Hasar#Lorcan Salvaterre#Elide Lochan#Fenrys Moonbeam#First Read along with me NO SPOILERS PLEASE though warning for post & tags up to KoA 59 & more reacts/notes/quotes in tags below#Aelin won’t take itUnleashing&releaseI KNEW SHE HAD A PLANdeeply waitingHis mate-Their world-Wild-Irritation-She didn’t get impressed#Out of calm-Too soft-NowNOW-Pick anywhere and go-the magic-address later-she gave an option: panic.-Her water magic daughter of Mab#can she control it?-She knows he’s alive because she still is but Valg the fear is real-Ruken yes-Refused to go-Lorcan NO DYING#the audiobook of this will destroy me-THANK YOU ELIDE GOOD QUESTION-Strange ancient-how had no one wondered#I cant/uwont-he didn’t mean it like that-leave it-why?-I will always find u-THATconversation!what was the conversation-floods-shared power#Had he not been swept into the dance of battle he might have stopped to marvel at them. — The Darghan#And those that don't make it to the ruks? the princess pressed something like panic cracking through her fierce face.#Rowan's own heart thundered. They had won the battle only for the enemy to get the final say in their victory. Morath.#It would destroy this army this shred of hope in a simple brutal blow Was it a trap all along?-It’s a trap! Did he pick Anielle for this?DA#NoNot like thisTheres nowhere for them to goThink laterRunNowPut them on the rocks anywhere.magic what if-open the gates-Oakwald#Sent by Yrene to see how Chaol fared a panting fearful question from a wife who had not heard anything of him since the battle#ELIDE KNEW#where is Lorcan going on the list of things that broke me cause Elide knew but also her heart knew cause it wouldve stopped without him#the protective LAY OFF Fenrys and then snarl and Rowan’s snarl back for Lorcan but then explanation & almost pack like mentality#I WILL FIND YOU I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU#DO THEY HAVE MACELENA VIBES
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oh! oh </3 oh!! okay!
#he KNEW that apologizing in the nest was futile but when he thought riko was back he STILL APOLOGIZED#HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHO WAS TOUCHING HIM BUT HE WAS ALREADY APOLOGIZING#his genuine confusion makes me SO SAD#he’s been through so much but he's still like. so...innocent#his “normal” is so fucked up. he can’t even fathom how wrong the things that happened to him were#he knows firsthand that apologizing does nothing to break his fall and he's like... “is this a trick?”#like “what do you mean you’re not going to beat the shit out of me after i accidentally hit laila in a triggered state?”#“what do you mean there are ways to solve problems without violence?”#and him saying “i can't promise it won’t happen again” (lashing out when triggered)#as in: when it happens again i am expecting to be punished#as in: i will apologize if that's what you want. if that means you won't hit me. if it pleases you.#as in: but when it happens again-do what you must. i will deserve it.#he’s been hurt so often so badly that protecting himself is second nature#he has never been around safe people#his first instinct is fight or flight#his body is protecting him before his brain can catch up#and he obviously does not want to hurt them#but its so fucking HEARTBREAKING because he KNOWS he won't be able to control it when fight or flight kicks in#and if they are going to be around him it is inevitable he will resort to violence. it is all he knows.#but he still cares enough to prepare them for that reality#like. “i can't promise i won't hurt you again” and “i don't mean to” and “punish me as you see fit”#he's giving them permission to HURT HIM for protecting himself#tsc spoilers#tsc#the sunshine court#all for the game#aftg#jean moreau#the foxhole court#tfc
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I wonder how different my feelings on Drew would be if there wasn’t that freaking spare laptop scene
#PAINN. THAT SCENE PUT ME IN SO MUCH PAIN FOR DREW. AND THEN IT ALL GETS RESOLVED ANYWAYS SO NO ONE KNOWS EXCEPT JAKE LIKE HHHH#I mean I ALREADY felt bad for him BEFORE that. it started when we find out his girlfriend is cheating on him. but we didn’t know the#characters as well back then so I was just like ‘dang that’s crazy’. then I started seeing him get more upset about Jake leaving and started#to feel more sympathetic towards him I was like ‘this guys GF is cheating on him and his best friend won’t hang out with him anymore’#AND THE SPARE LAPTOP SCENE MADE ME SNAP I WAS LIKE 😭 DREW NOOOO#MY BIGGEST QUESTION DID JAKE GHOST HIM? DID HE SAY ‘sorry grounded from that too’ OR JUST GHOST HIM?????#I love Drew so much. Guy who doesn’t know how to express his feelings fr. I’m satisfied with his drake up speech.#is it painful to see him say all that stuff? yes. DID JAKE KINDA DESERVE IT THO. not entirely but it’s PRETTY UNDERSTANDABLE that Drew would#snap at him. HE LITERALLY KNEW HIS GF WAS CHEATING ON HIM FOR MONTHS AND NEVER TOLD HIM UNTIL HE WANTED DREW TO SUFFER.#wait I should stop rambling about Drew (I could make a whole post about him) what was the post about again. THE SPARE LAPTOP SCENE.#yeah I’m just wondering like I PROBABLY would still sympathize with Drew without that scene but OHHH MY GOD that scene HURT ME SO BAD. I had#to pause and tell my sister how much PAIN I was in from watching this freaking GACHA SERIES#the music freaks
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I’m finishing White Collar a decade later and it’s ruining my life
#every single part of season five is ripping me to shreds#Neal ruined his life. I mean he absolutely did what he had to and did the right thing but making that deal w Mark Sheppard is 100% going#to get him caught. AND HE KNOWS IT. he knew it was over when he did it!!! 😭😭😭😭😭#but he did it to save Peter bc he had literally no other way to get him free /and/ preserve his current life. so of course he did it#but it’s going to end with him#back in JAIL. I’m gnawing the walls. and Peter doesn’t trust him TuT. he still doesn’t. wtf. and he’s going to find out Neal did this and#Neal isn’t going to be able to tell him why bc Peter is so lawful good that if he realizes he was released on false evidence he’s going to#overturn that and fuck his own life over. so Neal can’t even say what happened. and THEN this psychiatrist who is drugging her patients and#getting them to commit crimes tells him he’s a sociopath and he just had his dad who abandoned him as a kid show up#long con him into believing he was a decent man. then abandon him steal shit ruin his life ruin Peter’s life AND threaten to kill him#and he’s always felt like knowing who his dad is could tell him who he is. and his fucking dad does that. then Peter doesn’t trust him so#much he gets a new handler. Mozzie loses everything and Neal is under maximum pressure to do illegal shit to help Moz#he gets friendly w his new handler just in time for him to be MURDERED. he’s being blackmailed into continued crimes by the Dutchman#and he absolutely knows it’s just a matter of time before that blows up. Peter told him who he really is is a criminal (sort of. it’s what#Neal heard 100% and kinda what he said). and then this psychiatrist tells him he’s a sociopath and always going to be a criminal while he’s#drugged out of his mind. and NOW Neal’s decided they’re all right and he’s going to never be able to change so he might as well be a#criminal—something he hasn’t been since SEASON 2 BEGAN. he’s going back to being bad 😭 and he’s having 18 mental crisis and he literally can#not talk to anyone but Mozzie and he won’t talk abo hot this#and Peter fumbled him so bad twice in a row and now they’re both going to have their lives ruined eventually by Neal getting caught and#their relationship exploding and if either Neal would just go to Elizabeth for therapy (she would be like ‘I also would have broken the law#for Peter actually it’s fine) OR Peter would get his shit together and leap of faith and words or affirmation Neal enough to make up for the#last 3 seasons—it would all work out#but it won’t so I’m dead#white collar
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People who see entire demographics of humanity as “the enemy” are so baffling to me, whether they’re incels/misogynists or racists or radfems or whomever I just look at them and wonder why you’d choose a life of such misery. People of a certain gender, sexuality, race or whatever demographic are not inherently your enemy just because they are part of said demographic. Gender and race essentialism is incredibly dangerous and untrue and it especially confuses me when people who claim to be trans allies abide by the former because that mindset is especially dangerous to trans people.
People are individuals, not a hive mind. Society as a whole has massive issues, and some groups may benefit from them more than others (like how the patriarchy hurts men but they still benefit from it far more than women ever will because it has men in mind, albeit only a certain type of man), but individuals are individuals. And what a depressing life it must be to instead navigate the world believing that millions of people are beneath you before they’ve even spoken a word.
#Like I get women being wary of men. I get that and even I am tbh#I’m very visibly queer and rather short most men could kill me and I’d be powerless#But that’s not what I’m talking about I’m talking about the ‘fuck men they can die’ shit#Or people like my uncle who’s antisemitic because a Jewish person he knew happened to be quite nasty#I’ve been abused by cis women many times but they were dicks because they were dicks. Not because they were women#And don’t even get me started on incels. ‘Women suck because they won’t fuck me’ go to therapy#All misogynists need mandatory therapy before they’re allowed to talk to women again please#I would say I’m CAUTIOUS of women now but I still love them very much and I’m working through my wariness in therapy myself#Me being cautious is my own problem to deal with its not women’s fault as a whole#But yeah. I understand caution due to trauma. I do not understand hatred#And JKR for example very much needs to work through her hatred…#equality#feminism#intersectional feminism#actual feminism#misogyny#racism#transphobia#gender essentialism#race essentialism#antisemitism#anti terf#anti radfem#terfs fuck off#radfems fuck off
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tw abuse in the tags
#my dad decided that he was going to share his posts on threads where he trauma dumped shit with me and my sister#and it pisses me off so much that he can talk about all the trauma he’s gone through#and all the shitty things he’s gone through#and literally anything and everything that’s happened to him#but won’t acknowledge that he abused me my mom and my sister growing up#i got the worst of it all bc ofc i fucking did my sister was his favorite and i knew from a young age that she was#still is tbh#i’ve only been back in contact with my dad for a little over 5 years and since then there have been 3 separate occasions#where he’s acknowledged what he’s done to me and how it’s affected our relationship#the last one being last year where he actually apologized#but the first was in 2019 when we first started talking again and then again in 2021#and then last year in 2023#and i can’t talk about the shit he put me through bc he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it#and it pisses me tf off that he can do literally anything else to better himself#but the minute i want to even throw a passing fancy towards our past he freezes#and i feel like i have to change the subject bc lol dad’s uncomfortable!#i’ll admit i don’t talk about the shit he put me through willingly to anyone not even my therapist#but how the fuck are you going to sit there and trauma dump to the person YOU traumatized? and won’t talk about the trauma with?#fuck all the way off that’s fucking bullshit and we all know it
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#two exams down and they were supposed to be my do really well in this so the last two which will fuck me so dry won’t be that harsh on my#average but lol. lolllllllllllll. like. ok. we’re the first not covid year so they Consistently make our exams so fucking much harder than#prev years which i GET but it’s also not. fucking fair. and for once#for ONCE. i fucking tried and studied and yeah i didn’t do as much as i could’ve ok but i did shitloads more than i generally do#and i was fucking trying like i got the material i even liked it if the paper was hard i knew i’d be able to do good on it#for one paper they had a whole ass 10 mark question on ONE SLIDE out of a 187 slide lecture. on smth that has never come up before. like. ok#and the other paper which was inorganic chem which is so fucking weird but i lowkey love it even if one my lecturers is The Worst#HE PUT SHIT ON THE PAPER THAT WE HAVE NEVER DONE#like wasn’t in his notes or directed learning nothing. and it was like seven marks out of a twelve mark question and there was no choice#and now i still have three more exams to go. tomorrow being one of them. and the last two will be sooooo bad lol#it is 11am and i am still in bed and i should be studying bc the one tomorrow is 9am but fuck. fuck.#ok i’m done. don’t need to text me about this i just needed to get it out bc i am home alone and prob won’t be seeing ppl today#delete later
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