#i just like the idea of parting myself from the “people” group and being labelled a “thing”

[r0tting-rat]

People have often used both she/her and he/him for me, sometimes even they/them when they feel a bit in da mood, but recently I started considering it/its and? I actually love them? I mean, I still use all pronouns and I've been using it/its for quite some time so it's nothing new, but no one has ever used them before, yk?

Idkkk yesterday I was thinking about it and ngl being called "it" gives me a kind of feeling that is pretty new without being uncomfortable. It's nice.

[stairs-feooff]

An Open Letter to White Emo Kids

When I was thirteen years old, I googled ‘how to be emo.’ The music, the aesthetics, the darkness of it all captivated me. There was transgression there, with boys in makeup and girls who weren’t ashamed to be bisexual. The online emo community on google plus (anyone else remember google plus? Just me?) took me in with open arms. I was allowed to be depressed, I didn’t have to hide my burgeoning sexuality or the starts of my struggle with depression, something I now know was caused by intense amounts of dysphoria and life in an abusive and queerphobic household.

Only, there was one problem. I wasn’t white. 

Certainly, nobody would say they had an issue with me being Latino to my face. Most people in the scene genuinely believed they were not racist. After all, they loved Latino people, they thought the guys in Pierce the Veil were so hot. They appreciated the culture too, sombreros and maracas were the full extent of Mexican culture, right? 

But to be emo, you had to be pale. I remember Onision saying that Black people couldn’t pull off emo, and while everyone I knew talked about how horrible he was for saying that, they all secretly believed it. The emo kids I knew stayed out of the sun, they wore long sleeves to stay whiter and some on the more goth side carried around parasols. It was just part of the gothic, to stay white and dead looking. I hid myself from the sun, my skin tanned quickly and well, we couldn’t have that. 

Every guide on emo aesthetics emphasized stick straight hair. Every emo kid I knew reinforced that idea. I begged my mom for a relaxer, she refused. It was alright, I figured out how to damage my hair well enough on my own. Pete Wentz kept his hair straight, spent his time with a flat iron to press down the curls that made him inpalatable to white suburban teenagers. I could too. The burns, the split ends, the fact that my hair didn’t start to return to its natural texture until I cut several inches off this year, that was the sacrifice kids like me needed to take to come into the scene. If not, you would be made fun of. You’d be compared to Ray Toro, everyone’s favorite ‘princess fro fro.’ He was Puerto Rican, just like me. No one talked about that, beyond whispering it around like a dirty secret. No one acknowledged his pride in his country, mirrored by my own pride instilled in me from my mother. Every piece of him, every feature identifiable as nonwhite was sneered at. His hair, his nose, his lips, the white kids said he was the ugly one because of them. I was too, I suppose. 

That was back in 2014. I remember it vividly, still.

Turn back the clock to the early 1980s. Dischord records has just signed seminal emo group, Rites of Spring. There is change in the humid Washington DC Summer air. A new genre would be born from it, branching from the existing hardcore movement. To say Dischord records created emo would be no exaggeration. Without them, the music all of us in the scene know and love would be nonexistent. Dischord was seminal in the scene, Dischord was also founded by Ian MacKeye, vocalist for Minor Threat and later, Fugazi. 

Minor Threat is not emo in the tradional sense. Musically, it’s similar to punk and hardcore groups of the time, lacking the distinct musical flourishes of MacKeye’s later emo group, Fugazi. Still, Minor Threat helped shape the hardcore scene emo was born from and created the record label that signed Rites of Spring, the first emo band. Fugazi is legendary in first and second wave emo circles, influencing bands like Thursday. MacKeye’s stamp on emo is inescapable, even in the third wave. MacKeye also penned the song: Guilty of Being White. 

Guilty of Being White is a minute of MacKeye complaining about systemic racism - or rather, being blamed for systemic racism. He’s sorry for being white, he’s so so sorry, don’t you feel sorry for him, a white man in the 1980s? Isn’t it horrible that white people are blamed for systemic inequality? Isn’t it horrible that he actually has to put work into allyship with people of color? 

MacKeye says he never meant for the song to seem racist. Surely, the fact that it’s become a favorite of white power groups is a coincidence. 

All that is to say, racism was baked into emo from the very beginning. The label that created the genre was founded by white men with very clear issues with racism, even if they did not see it that way. Pete Wentz flat ironing his Black hair and Tyler Joseph refusing to say he’s influenced by rap aren’t bugs unique to the third wave. Instead, they’re features of the genre. 

Now, I’m not writing this to ‘cancel’ emo. I love emo dearly, I still consider myself emo. It, in every wave, is my favorite genre of music. Rites of Spring, Jawbreaker, My Chemical Romance, these bands have shaped my life like no other. Through emo I have met some of my best friends, white and nonwhite alike. Emo allowed me to express my gender and sexuality freely. Emo changed my life for the better, and it continues to do so. No, I am not writing this to cancel emo, whatever that means. Instead, it is because I love the genre so much that I feel the need to point out its flaws, its shielding and harboring of racism since Dischord herself began. 

They say you should end essays like this with a call to action. Personally, I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t been reiterated a thousand times. Really, what am I supposed to say here? Stop being racist? I, like so many other people of color both in and out of the scene are tired of telling white people to do just that over and over. We are tired of seeing white people stop saying what isn’t acceptable anymore, not due to any sort of active unpacking of white supremacy on their part but simply out of a wish to not be ostracized. I am tired of going to emo spaces outside my friend groups and explaining to white thirty year olds what racism is, over and over and over again ad infinitum. I am tired of seeing white people try and take the lead on discussions of racism, whether it is to rapidly assert ‘im not racist but-‘ or to be on the opposite extreme, to jump the gun and form a dog-eat-dog circus, where the end goal is not to actually form a safe place for people of color but to prove how not racist they are. I am tired of watching white people jump on whatever they can to demonize people of color in the scene. I am tired of watching nuanced conversations about racism and complicitness in racism be overshadowed by people upset their pet white man isn’t going to kiss their other pet white man anymore. I am tired of watching children be called slurs. 

Perhaps my frustration is coming loose. It’s hard to be in the middle of all this and not be frustrated. At this point, I am disillusioned. These conversations are seemingly brought up every month, and yet, there is no systemic change. All I can say is I hope that one day, emo becomes actively hostile to racism and racists. Perhaps being aware that racism has been integral to the scene since the beginning is a good place to start. 

[schizoid-hikikomori]

Something I don't see people talking about often when it comes to schizoid pd is that idea of relatability.

I don't think I've been able to truly relate to anyone in my life. I believe part of that may come from my observations of behavior from my older sisters and older cousins and being able to learn what not to do or how not to behave.

Many people form bonds over being upset with their parents, as a very early example. Because I didn't have violent emotional outbursts like I would observe my sister to have, I wasn't punished in the same way, I didn't harbor the same frustration that other people might experience with their parents, and again, I never got to experience those dramatic emotions.

So when you start off early in life diverging from expected behavior, it doesn't set you up well. Not to mention the fact I went to a school of mostly white students as a nonwhite and multiracial/multiethnic student. White kids in this small school had established social groups they wouldn't diverge from, they looked at me differently and talked to me differently than they would their friends, and had a very distinct non-interest in interacting with me. (And the typical tropes of white girls being jealous of my hair).

Of course I had friends, but consistently it was only one or two I would be seeing outside of school, while my sisters and cousins had larger friend groups with more things going on.

I developed depression in middle school and at this point I think my more identifiable schizoid traits became more pronounced here. I was never all that happy as a child, but this is where it became very clear to outsiders that I wasn't doing well if they were paying attention.

At this time the rift between myself and others grew even larger. Kids would be hormonal, getting into relationships, smoking cigarettes and weed, drinking alcohol, and starting drama just for the hell of it. Those things people described as high school activities started in middle school.

In high school I got this feeling I was falling behind. I never experienced things other people experienced by the time they were in high school. I just wanted to drop out completely and move on. (I didn't, of course. My mother would never have allowed it.)

It became a phenomenon where when I was talking to someone new that I would get annoyed or frustrated when they tried to relate to me. I would tell them something that seems simple about me, and they would make an attempt to relate.

The issue is, they experience that specific thing for a different reason than I do. You think you get it but you really don't.

As an obvious example, people group withdrawn and solitary individuals into groups and labels but fail to recognize the reason someone might be withdrawn.

Similarly, someone might claim to despise people as I do, but still make an effort to seek out new friends and attend social events, which tells me no, you're not anything like me. Stop pretending to be.

This same phenomenon of people trying to seek relatability wherever they might find it also leads to the impulsive self diagnosis thing. People see a basic list of DSM symptoms (which are very surface level) and start imagining they have a disorder, ignoring the reasons behind those symptoms.

It's to the point where they even have to advise psychology students studying abnormal psychology to be aware of this and to avoid it.

I've seen people with other disorders able to bond over their shared experiences and provide one another with support, creating a sense of community, but there's something about schizoid pd that completely prevents me from being able to do that.

Early on, there were so many factors that prevented me from being able to properly connect with people in my family, and furthermore with classmates, which evolved into this full barrier between myself and everyone else.

I don't try to relate to anyone anymore, and it's irritating when people try to relate to me when I know they won't ever be able to fully understand.

Photo from a few weeks ago.

[only-the-shippers-can-bully-nrmt]

(Original Japanese on the left with translations under the break, Fan Translation in the middle, and Official Translation on the right.)

Saw some things flying around that have (unintentionally or otherwise) been giving people the wrong idea, so here are the comparisons to show that, yes, Miles was referring to Phoenix near the end of the second Miles Edgeworth Investigations game. Miles does bring up Gregory too, but Gregory being "that man" during the famous "shines brilliantly" scene was actually a change in the official English release that does not line up with the original Japanese version (even MTLs will get across the Wright meaning).

Also, "shining brilliantly in one's eyes" can be both how a son might look up to his father but also how a ruffly prosecutor might strongly/romantically see his courtroom partner; the line is simply intense enough to not easily carry the label of an "average" relationship. We don't need to elaborate when we tell family members/friends/significant others "I love you" (even if it's at the same time) for similar reasons, and I don't see anyone arguing that this means that Miles must see Phoenix like a father because he grouped them together in some form.

TL;DR: The official translation mucked up some context and stuff happened because of it. Keep shipping and feel free to use this as a reference post because the shippers did not misinterpret anything. We can have a conversation about how the change affected the moment, but the original context is still important and Phoenix was part of it.

Besides the translations, there are other points under the break as well, including a bonus of one of the nice and harmless additions the official translation changed/added with the "saved me from myself" line:

Translations (provided by a friend of mine who knows Japanese; edited at times to sound more natural in English or help get across the intended meaning)

........以前、 ある男が言っていました。

……..In the past, a certain man once said:

被告人の唯一の味方になって あげられるのが弁護士だと。

the only one willing to be the defendant's ally is their lawyer.

依頼人を信じることで、《真実》に近づいていく････

By believing in the defendant, the truth draws closer....

その男の姿は、私の目にも まぶしく映りました。

The image of that man was so bright in my eyes, it was engraved into my mind.

There's a bit more added here for clarification's sake and people like me who have a habit of taking metaphors too literally; essentially, the first part that's in the game is saying that the sight of "that man" was so blinding that it stuck in Miles's mind/memory eternally, so the translation in the fan version is correct in a direct translation and what it means is closer to the official.

(fun fact that if you go for an MTL, a translator may translate what in English was "image"/"sight" as "appearance" or "figure" which is technically accurate but obviously not the intent when translated, just as "so bright"/"shining brilliantly" may become "dazzling"; doesn't mean I won't mention it for people to imagine/have fun with though :3c "That man's figure was so dazzling in my eyes." my god)

法廷���戦う父と、同じように････

In the same way my father fighting in court does….

(without the clarification it's more like "In the same way my father fought in court...." but as above, message is clearer this way)

しかし、それはあくまで その男や父の生き方です。

However, that's just the way that man and my father lived their lives.

This is the big one since it makes a clear and blatantly obvious separation between "that man" and Gregory himself.

Here's another translation in a reblog of the post I linked, which follows even closer to the fan translation and is more straightforward.

My asks are open for any further translation clarifications people may want to make (don't want to bog down reblogs when edits can simply be made) but this was a long-winded way of saying that the fan translation was super on point with accuracy and the only thing of note is the "burning into memory" that the official one has to help get the point across (though I think more was definitely lost the way it was done).

Other Points

1 - Staying on the official translation, its use of "that man" is rather... bizarre, even if one hasn't seen the original. Such a use is typically for:

someone the game wants the audience for figure out on their own (so the character knows it but the player needs to go talk to the person themself once they figure it out)

someone who the character speaking isn't really familiar with (like, "oh yeah, that guy, I kind of remember now")

someone the game tries to keep secret a little longer for the sake of mystery (example being the fan translation where Ray refers to Gregory without a name drop for the build up that Ray worked for him)

Miles using the phrase and then saying "my father" in the very next sentence made me do a double take because I was totally caught off guard by how it was done.

The shot of Miles sepia toned in the courtroom (the fourth shot) doesn't even make sense anymore if he's only talking about Gregory since obviously he's never seen Gregory from across the courtroom while Miles has been behind the prosecutor's bench (nor do they do a camera slide as if Miles is only imagining himself across the courtroom from him; it flashes to white instead). It only makes sense if he's taking about Phoenix.

2 - Looking at it from a fan's perspective, it makes 150% sense why "that man" would immediately be associated with Phoenix in the context of the moment. Not only did the last case of the first game have that exact thing too ("In a situation like this… what would that man do…? What would he who can turn any desperate situation around do…?"), thus making it a near-perfect continuation of that, but "a defendant's only ally being their attorney" was a huge part of the original trilogy.

In fact, the official translation actually actively makes it weirder to leave Phoenix out of that bit because of the change "a friend to the friendless" it did, which catapulted me back so violently to Turnabout Sisters - the first serious case in the entire series - that it could've put me in a coma.

This is even disregarding how important the whole "trusting clients" and "finding the truth" stuff was in cases, especially 2-4.

It's like, "ah yes, Mr. Fender, that was yours and my father's life, not mine and also no one else's; honestly, not a single other important person in my life who I could have mentioned comes to mind" lol)

3 - From my own personal perspective, I'm not stirring up a fuss over shipping, it's not about that (though shippers getting thrown under the bus absolutely sucks). I'm far more baffled that it takes the already-not-around Phoenix and chucks his mention away for later.

4 - Anyone lamenting the loss of "shining brilliantly" for something else without the context has every right to be confused and should not be criticized for it. Shipper or otherwise, most wouldn't imagine for a second that the end of Miles's arc/self-reflection would have a significant change that takes 50% of the original meaning out.

This taken into account with my comment about the visual aid of Miles behind the prosecutor's bench in sepia during that very line furthers this. Obviously people will (still) think it's about Phoenix.

5 - I only linked to one of the comments/posts I saw in case I was accused of making things up. I don't actually recommend approaching/confronting anyone because I don't think it's worth the time/effort, so this is more for anyone who felt gaslit/like they'd gotten it wrong or wanted the actual evidence. I did check the blog of the person who I linked and they made a long answer to a person who was complaining about the people complaining about said post, but hadn't made an edit to their original post telling people that there were misinterpretations being made.

That's not actually me being aggressive in any way (it's their business and their blog), but pointing out that it's not something important to people like that. I'll also grant that some might simply not know enough about the fan translation/original meaning to get it, so don't stress about it is all I'll say. :)

6 - Here's the "saved me from myself" line as promised, congrats on listening to me babble and making it all the way down here~

[fuck-you-showerthoughts]

hello, I apologize on the behalf of my fellow angry people in your inbox.

I'm also a little angry but I'm doing my best to put that aside because I'm trying to understand you. Please understand that I'm not trying to hurt you with this or anything. This comes from a place of genuine intrigue (while also kind of mad).

Why do you feel the need to define yourself using the transfem label? I get that you think of yourself as approaching femininity from a masculine start point. You said earlier that it's a different, new kind of femininity, like two different sodas. How? Why? From what I understand being a woman is not choosing a monolith out of a henge but instead just identifying with a group. Why are you getting out of the group only to return to a different part of the same group?

I know men and other bigender/multigender/etc people who started as men, fucked around with being a woman or nonbinary for a while and then either returned to masculinity or kept it as part of them. None that I know of insist of saying they're transmasc the way you do. [I have also seen afab people do the same thing, I'm not making this a birthgender thing, I just used this example somewhere else] I myself, during a period of my life "detransitioned" from transwoman to nonbinary and I did not consider myself transmasc for that.

My kneejerk reaction is of course "fuck you, get your effeminate hands off my special little word" [I'm making fun of myself] but after reading through everything you posted recently and thinking about shit I'm asking myself why. Why do they want the word?

possible answers include:

they just want it

internalized misogyny causing them to grow disillusioned with their previous identity as a woman but they still feel like one and wish to return to it under a new pretext

genuinely feels like they have disconnected entirely with womanhood while transistioning and wants to reconnect

I'm doing a shit job of summarizing my feelings on this, I apologize.

Also, why do you refer to yourself as a trans^4 multigenderqueer (hyperbole) but still have your pronouns listed as they/them.

off anon because I think people who hide behind it are cringe.

hello! thank you for such an excellent breakdown of your feelings, and for taking the time to think about your own emotions (completely sincerely, I had a similar journey like this a while ago and getting rid of first impressions is HARD). I think the main disconnect here is the idea of masculinity and femininity being separate (inherently and for me specifically) -- like i said in the answered ask before this, I'm already both a man and a woman, together, at the same time. This, for me, means that both of those aspects of me are trans simultaneously -- I use transfem while being afab because my femininity is trans. (The same would be true of my masculinity had I been amab)

I can't leave cisfemininity because I never belonged there in the first place, and I would never abandon being a girl altogether, so to me the obvious (and quite honestly only) conclusion is queer femininity (which naturally mtf trans women are an immediate part of). The bullet point explanation you've missed here is that I use transfem because it's simply the most accurate word I've found to describe my identity, and gender limiting things in 2024 of all times just doesn't make sense to me :]

(Also I have they/them because that's what I'm most comfortable being addressed as by *checks follower count* almost 20k people. I use different sets with different people -- but also sometimes expression is a lot simpler than identity haha)

[wanderingcritter]

Hello! I have some questions for you, if you don't mind.

What does transspecies mean to you?

How did you discover you were transspecies?

How do you feel about the myth that transspecies makes fun of transgender people?

How do you feel about the idea that transspecies should not be used or people who are transspecies should stay hidden because it can be used against the transgender community

(A controversial one) Why did rad-q takeover the transspecies term, how does that effect the alterhuman community, and how do you feel about it?

Hi thank you sm for asking hehe :3 I love getting to talk about this stuff (and knowing that others are interested in hearing about it lol)

Long ass post below the cut

1. To me, transspecies is the rawest, most direct way for me to express my nonhumanity. It cuts through a lot of the vagueness and nuance of some other nonhuman labels (not that there's anything wrong with that ofc) and gets straight to the point: Im not entirely human and want to be acknowledged as such by my peers and society at large. It emphasizes my desire to move through life as nonhuman, and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I also like that it challenges the narrative of human superiority and the idea that species identity is purely biology based. For me personally, it also ties into my experience with being transgender, as I often see my gender as being partially nonhuman. Many things that are gender affirming are also species affirming and vice versa. But obviously you don't have to be transgender to be transspecies, one of my irl packmates and close friend is cisgender transspecies and she's awesome <3

2. It wasn't so much a "discovery" for me. My transspecies identity is very closely tied to my therianthropy, the species I identify as and see myself transitioning into are also all kintypes. So after I realized I was a therianthrope, it was kind of just a slow realization that it was also a label that fit my experiences well. Like most alterhumans I had heard the word used as a weapon against transgender people and alterhumans, so I had a very negative perception of it for a long time. I think the first time I ever heard it referred to in a not-outright-negative sense was in PDTherians "Trans-species?!" youtube video (which I do not recommend as a source of education at all it's a very flawed video that's riddled with misinformation) a few years back, and from there I slowly started to open up to the idea and yeah. The rest is history pretty much lol

3. To some degree I actually can empathize with the stance because I used to be in the same camp, and I know from experience that for a lot of folks it's just well intentioned but misplaced passion of trans liberation. But at the same time it's still a harmful belief and one I grew out of because I matured and learned more about the communities I was part of. Anytime you cast judgement onto a group of people with a harmless identity/belief/interest for the sole purpose of "they're too weird", that harms everyone, not just that group. In this case, hatred against transspecies folks implies that there is a right and a wrong way to be queer/trans, which is harmful not only to nonhumans but to all queer individuals.

4. I think it's bullshit lmao. Shying away from it and outcasting the people who use it does absolutely nothing but divide us further and make us an easier target for discrimination. Categorizing it as a community taboo just turns it into ammunition for transphobes and anti-alterhumans alike. Turning against each other and fighting over stupid shit like labels is exactly what oppressors want, a house divided against itself cannot stand. It also just doesn't make sense, species identity is socially constructed, similar to gender, so why should people be forbidden from using a word to describe that experience just because it's misunderstood?

5. I honestly have no idea why radqueers do anything at all lmaoooo. But if I had to guess, I think it's because on some level, they know that nobody with any semblance of social education or moral compass is ever going to be on board with their beliefs, so instead of trying to fight a losing battle they just barge their way into other small, marginalized, and outcasted groups (alterhuman, altage, paraphiles, etc.) and try to claim them as "part of them". It's a lot easier to tell a group of people "Hey you guys are actually just like us so you need to support our ideology because otherwise you're just fighting against yourself" than it is to try to convince them from scratch that you're not a horrible person.

As for how it's impacted the alterhuman community, Im not entirely sure but luckily I think its effects have been fairly minimal thus far. The alterhuman community is significantly bigger and older than the rq community, I've only ever run into rqs on Tumblr and even here Ive met transspecies folks who had never heard of radqueers before. I think its biggest impacts have been on the transspecies niche specifically, since they often try to lump it in with transid's like "transrace" and "transharmful", which leads to the assumption from outsiders that they're inherently connected and that all transspecies folks agree with those stances as well. But I think as transspecies and alterhumanity as a whole slowly becomes less stigmatized and more widely understood over time, that belief will also fade and die off.

Sorry for the massive text wall lmao, I hope that wasn't too much info. But again thank you sm for asking ^^ I think it's super important that folks out there are interested in learning more about this stuff and that alterhumans are able to communicate their experiences to one another <3

[gynandromorph]

It's okay not to answer, I know it's broad territory, but I really respect you as an artist and writer. How do you handle people misinterpreting or missing elements of your work, especially when they may still enjoy it and get something out of it? As an artist I'm struggling lately with knowing my work will always inherently be read differently from what I intended as a matter of the human experience, as well as me being autistic complicating my ability to communicate.

An addition to that last ask. I don't know if it's clear what I'm asking so I'll give some examples. A 50 year old man and a 21 year old woman will get different things from a movie due to their lived experiences. As a gentile reader I might miss jewish narrative themes in a piece of work. That doesn't mean it's bad for us to have experienced it, but as an author I find it frustrating when something is missed or misinterpreted, and I don't know how not to be a control freak about it.

i feel you, i have ocpd and being misinterpreted when i agonized and stressed about how to present my wording makes me want to light myself on fire and it's something i'm working on. writers are supposed to expect and account for different perspectives ahead of time, so it always sort of shocks me when i hear interpretations i wouldn't have thought about at all. i know logically i can't predict all outcomes, but it's still surprising anyway!!! but i generally feel a lot of distress about being misinterpreted because i'm afraid it'll label me as A Bad Person, so i think that's where the experience diverges. maybe investigating why you need to or want to control the way your work is interpreted would help as a starting point? i think having a larger audience helps, too... it means more people will misinterpret your work, but it also means you're more likely to have at least One Guy who interprets it just right and makes fireworks go off in your brain, but there's no way to control how big your audience is!

anyway, the ways to control how your work is interpreted, to the degree that you can:

you can make it simpler. the more parts a story has added to its complexity, the more it's going to be misinterpreted.

you can make the intended message more blatant. you can have a character say exactly what you want the audience to think or hear, or something very close to it. don't want a detail missed? make it bigger.

you can reprioritize parts of the story. basically think of a group of interpretations you want the audience to have if you can, and then put them in order of importance. then the story has a hierarchy to lean on wrt artistic decisions.

you can give the story multiple meanings. more targets to hit. if they're mutually exclusive, i find this works better... i like making my stories ambiguous with conflicting interpretations a lot. yeah, people are going to interpret the story wrong, because it was made in a way that will guarantee it is interpreted wrong in some way.

you can layer the meaning so that less literate audience members will at least get SOME of what you intended. basically, close to the previous strategy, but like a hybrid of that and "make it simpler" imo because you're constructing multiple interpretations that are all supposed to lead to one conclusion (like a persuasive essay or something), but can act as an adequate conclusion on their own.

all of these options have obvious qualitative losses. if you have anything in particular that is repeatedly misinterpreted or missed, it's a good idea to think about Why you're making those choices. consciously committing to a higher-risk artistic choice will help you feel more in control of what happens to it once it's done. the way your art is interpreted isn't totally out of your control, you are making decisions that add to or mitigate the risk of misinterpretations, and you can bring those choices to a more conscious awareness to see them and appreciate them. sometimes it'll feel like a begrudging compromise, but it'll still be Your choice ultimately.

on an emotional level... hopefully this makes sense. there's always going to be the piss-on-the-poor scenario and sometimes i just remind myself that some people are not as literate as me, but it's great we were still able to connect through a work that was probably difficult for them!!! it was a privilege to get to grow up with a good education, access to art and technology, strangers who want to look at what i made, and there are times where i take this for granted, and my expectations of readers are actually kind of unreasonable!!! some people are younger than me and say stupid things like i did, but they aren't able to understand things like me yet, and it's important for them to learn by figuring it out on their own!!! i was and will always be That Guy to other artists and other writers, and i want to give other people the same grace as i get. some people have wildly different life experiences compared to mine, and these experiences can be much more nuanced than i could ever imagine, but it's a little gift that they made my world larger by sharing theirs through my art!!! it's terrifying and embarrassing knowing that i don't know much of anything, even about something i have total control over, but the consequences of that aren't always negative. and possibly the saddest but most common way i deal with this is nothing more than accepting that no one is ever going to understand me on the level that i want to be understood. sometimes my frustration has come from a place of miserable alienation, where the need to feel Seen can be quite desperate. i've made art explicitly about Me, and i've made art deliberately hostile towards its audience, art that's said they don't get it and they never will, but they still bothered to try. i made a game that said no one will win here and they still played it with me, and i can appreciate that. in many cases, they actually know more about me than i know about them. but more importantly, it isn't my audience's job to take care of that emotional need -- in fact, as much as art is made out to be a mode of pure self-expression, i don't think they can. it's a reality that i don't like, but i accept it. art made to benefit others is a one-way mirror: you make them feel seen, but they should never see you, because if they see you, the mirror isn't working.

[storiesforallfandoms]

triple date ~ steve harrington;stranger things

part one   part two   part three   part four   part five

word count: 3262

request?: no

description: when her sister suggests a group night out to the movies, she struggles to keep up their secret

pairing: steve harrington x female!wheeler!reader

warnings: swearing, mentions of the deaths in the movie sleepaway camp

masterlist (one, two, three)

"Do you have any plans tonight?” Nancy asked the minute she reached my locker.

“Hello to you too, dear sister,” I responded. “You know I don’t have any plans tonight because I am indeed a loser with two friends, one of which is you.”

“Shut up,” she laughed, lightly shoving my shoulder. “A group of us are getting together to go to the movies tonight. You’re coming with us.”

I gave Nancy a look before closing my locker and nodding my head for her to follow me. She fell into step beside me as I asked her, “Who is us exactly?”

“Me, Barb, Jonathan, and Steve.”

I nearly stopped in the middle of the hall, but made myself keep walking. I tried not to let my face give anything away, but internally I was definitely panicking over the idea of hanging out with both Steve and Nancy.

“You can invite Holly if you want,” Nancy added. “I understand if you don’t want to hang out with just my friends.”

“I like Barb,” I said. I decided not to comment on my feelings towards Steve. “What movie are you guys seeing?”

“Some horror movie that Jonathan wants to see. Sleepaway Camp, I think it’s called. I told him I’d only go if we had other people with us because I’m not a horror movie person.”

I gave Nancy a look. “You passed up on the opportunity to be alone with Jonathan during a horror movie?”

She playfully nudged me. “It’s not like that. It...it was a friendly invitation anyways.”

“Does Jonathan know that?” I laughed as Nancy glared at me. “Seriously, Nance, what’s up with you and Jonathan? Have you put a label on whatever is happening, or even tried to?”

She looked like she was contemplating answering, but quickly changed her mind and said, “Do you want to come or not?”

I playfully rolled my eyes. “Yes, I’ll go. I’ll ask Holly if she wants to come with.”

Nancy smiled. Before the conversation could go any further, the warning bell rang. She said her goodbyes and hurried off down the hall towards her class. Once she was gone, I let out a sigh I hadn’t realized I was holding and turned into my classroom. Holly was sat in her usual seat next to mine as I plopped myself down in my seat and turned to her.

“Please tell me you’re free tonight,” I said.

“I have a paper due for Mr. Murphy’s English class,” Holly responded. “But I’m more than happy to procrastinate that. Why?”

“I just told Nancy I’d go to the movies with her tonight, but Steve is also going and I’m gonna need someone there to keep me from word vomiting to Nancy.”

Holly gave me a look. “You’re going to have to tell her eventually. She’s not going to be mad at yo when she’s clearly head over heels for Jonathan Byers.”

“I’ll tell her soon,” I told her, although I wasn’t sure if even I believed that. “It’s coming up on mine and Steve’s first month together. I just want to make sure this is serious first.”

It was yet another excuse that I was using to justify my fear of admitting my relationship with Steve to Nancy. I appreciated Holly trying to reassure me that Nancy would’ve be upset, but I wasn’t sure I fully believed that. I couldn’t imagine a scenario where Nancy wouldn’t be upset over this secret relationship.

“Please will you come?” I begged. “I’ll buy your popcorn.”

She thought for a moment before saying, “My popcorn and my snacks. It’s what I deserve for being forced to fifth wheel on this date.”

“You’re not fifth wheeling. Barb is going, too.”

Holly froze at the mention of Barb’s name. I could see the dozens of thoughts going through her head in that moment. I couldn’t help but smirk to myself as I settled into my desk.

The final bell rang just as Carol scurried into the classroom. She glared at Holly and I as she passed us. I glanced over at Holly, who rolled her eyes.

Tommy and Steve had gotten a month’s worth of after school detention following their lunchtime fight, as well as Tommy getting an additional grounding from his parents the entire time, which meant that for a month Carol wasn’t able to see Tommy outside of schooltime. Carol blamed me for the fight and Tommy’s subsequent punishment, which heightened the negative interactions we had already been having.

It definitely was not making my school experience any better, but I had bigger fish to fry than Carol’s petty drama.

~~~~~~

That night, I was sat in the back of Barb’s car as she drove me and Nancy to the theater. The two of them were talking about something, but I couldn’t focus on anything they were saying. My legs were bobbing anxiously as my mind raced thinking about meeting up with Steve at the theater. I wished Holly had come with us, but she insisted on driving herself.

“Hey (Y/N), are you okay?”

I looked up to see Barb looking at me through her rearview mirror.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “A little nervous for the movie, I guess.”

“I don’t think it’s going to be that scary,” Barb said.

“That’s because horror movies don’t scare you,” Nancy pointed out. “You love them.”

“Holly loves horror movies, too,” I said, hoping it sounded as subtle as I wanted to.

I definitely noticed the look on Barb’s face and felt a slight swell of pride in my chest.

I trailed behind my sister and her friend as we approached the movie theater. I could see familiar figures waiting as we got closer. Holly was in the middle of saying something when Jonathan noticed us and waved. Steve turned to face us and I felt my heart skip a beat. His eyes landed on me and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“Hey guys,” Jonathan said. “We already got the tickets just so the movie wouldn’t sell out before you got here. We were thinking three of us go save the seats while the others get the snacks.”

“That works for me,” Nancy said, and we all agreed to the plan.

We decided that Holly, Barb, and Nancy would save the seats while Steve, Jonathan, and I got the snacks. Jonathan was stood at the counter ordering when Steve slipped a hand into my back pocket and leaned in close to my ear.

“Do you want to share a bag of popcorn?” he whispered.

It was such an innocent and mundane thing, but it still sent a shiver running down my spine.

“S-sure,” I replied. Steve smiled and gave my butt a squeeze before removing his hand from my back pocket. “But I still have to get snacks for Holly. I kind of bribed her to come out tonight.”

Steve chuckled and snuck in a quick kiss before Jonathan turned around.

When we finally got the snacks and arrived at the theater playing our movie, we found the three girls sat near the back of the theater. Holly was sat at the end next to Barb, with Nancy on the other side of Barb, and three empty seats beside Nancy. Jonathan seemed hesitant to sit next to her, glancing once at Steve while he contemplated it, but I nudged him forward to silently encourage him to do so.

That led the last two seats to be for me and Steve.

I passed Holly her snacks and moved past the group to get to our seats. Steve sat next to Jonathan, leaving me the furthest away from Nancy. I wasn’t sure if that would make it easier or harder to hide our secret from her.

The lights went out and the movie started. It seemed very campy - pun definitely intended - so I wasn’t sure what to expect horror wise. I was starting to agree with Barb on the fact that the movie wasn’t going to be scary until one of the first almost kills; the creepy cook getting a pot of boiling hot water dumped on him, causing him to break out into painful looking hives and blisters. I gasped at how disgusting his skin looked as the character’s screams filled the theater. Steve looked over at me and put an arm around my shoulder.

“Don’t be scared,” he whispered. “Honestly, that guys deserved it. He’s a fucking creep.”

“I’m not scared, I’m disgusted,” I responded. “That looked brutal.”

It wasn’t until a few scenes later, where the body of the first actual victim appeared on screen and I hid myself against Steve’s chest that I realized how close we had gotten. I snuck a glance towards the other four, fearing that Steve and I had been caught, only to find that each couple was having their own moment together. Nancy was similarly cuddled up to Jonathan, her head on his shoulder as she peaked up at the screen, while Barb and Holly had started sharing a bag of popcorn and were almost laughing at the movie.

Steve ran a hand through my hair soothingly. It hadn’t realized how tense my body had become (from the movie or from the fear of getting caught I wasn’t sure), but his actions helped to calm me down. I settled against him, deciding not to worry about who would see us and to instead enjoy this moment with Steve before it was gone.

If I had to rate the movie on a scale from 1-10 in the scary department, I probably would’ve given it a solid 7.5. It wasn’t too scary, but the kills were interesting, and the twist ending left me with my jaw on the floor. I was still trying to regain my thoughts as the lights went back up and everyone else started to move away.

“(Y/N), you gotta let go of my arm,” Steve said.

At some point before the movie ended, Steve had moved his arm from around my shoulder to more discreetly holding my hand while I was deep into the movie. I guess I had also started gripping onto his arm at some point because I hadn’t noticed until he pointed it out.

I mumbled a shy, “Sorry”, and dislodged myself from him.

“That’s gonna leave a mark,” he teased. “I’ll send you the medical bills.”

I smiled at him, but I couldn’t help but notice that everyone had stood and was looking at us, waiting. I stood from my seat and followed the group from the theater, a little sad that my time with Steve was quickly coming to an end.

Barb and Holly announced they had to go to the bathroom, which Nancy and Steve also agreed to, so I was left to stand with Jonathan while we waited. I hadn’t had many conversations with Jonathan. I thought he was nice enough guy, and his brother was one of Mike’s closest friends. We just didn’t run in the same circles or anything. Although, that was the same with me and Steve, and look where that had gotten us.

Since I was alone with Jonathan, I decided to finally get his side of the story about him and Nancy.

“So,” I started, drawing his attention to me, “Jonathan Byers, what are your intentions with my sister?”

He started to laugh, but I could hear the awkwardness behind his laugh. A blush started creeping up his neck, which told me all I needed to know before he even spoke.

“I...um...I don’t know,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “We’re just...friends?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Is that a question or a statement?”

“I don’t know,” he repeated. “I...I really like her, though. And I think she likes me, too.”

“I know she likes you.”

His face brightened at this. “She does?”

I nodded. “Trust me, I’ve seen her face when she brings you up. It’s like you’re the most amazing thing on the planet to her. She really likes you, and I think, if you were to ask her out in a romantic way, she’d say yes in a heartbeat.”

Jonathan looked down at the ground, a wide smile on his face. I think it would be an understatement to say he loved my sister. There was a connection between them that couldn’t be denied. They both just had to grow a pair and acknowledge it.

Before anything else could be said, Nancy approached the two of us. She looked over at Jonathan’s smiling face and mirrored his expression. I glanced over at Jonathan to make sure he was seeing what I was seeing.

“What are you two talking about?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Jonathan and I said at the same time.

She looked suspicious, but didn’t push the subject matter. “Barb and Holly are still in the bathroom. They’re too busy talking about the movie and how not scary they think it is.”

“I wonder what it’s like to not be afraid of anything,” I said. “Maybe they can teach us that.”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a little afraid of a movie that’s supposed to scare you,” Steve said as he approached us. “Besides, your little gasps whenever something scary happened were hilarious.”

I sent him a playful glare, but he returned it with a wink behind Nancy’s back and immediately melted away my facade.

When Holly and Barb finally joined us, we made our way towards the exit. Everyone was excitedly talking about the movie now, exchanging our own thoughts and opinions on it. I was about to follow Barb and Nancy to where Barb had parked her car when Holly reached out and grabbed my arm to stop me.

“Hey, I’ll bring you home,” she said. “I need some help with - uh - school stuff.”

I raised an eyebrow at her strange tone of voice, but decided to go along with it. I told Nancy I’d see her back at home and watched as she followed Barb towards Barb’s car.

“What school stuff do you want to talk about?” I asked Holly.

“Nothing, actually,” she responded. “But Steve asked me if I could come up with some sort of excuse to say that you’d be coming with me so that he could be the one to drive you home.”

I looked over at Steve who was still talking Jonathan. He glanced over at me and smiled for a split second, a smile just for me, before turning his attention back to the oldest Byers boy. Butterflies filled my stomach, which I didn’t think could be possible after the two of us dating for nearly a month, but he was constantly surprising me. He made every day with him feel like the first all over again.

When Jonathan finally left, I said goodbye to Holly and followed Steve to his car. As we walked across the parking lot, he slid his hand into him and interlaced our fingers. I looked over at him and, for a lack of a better word, internally swooned over how beautiful he was; the way the moon was lighting up his face, his hair bouncing perfectly with every step he took, the way his hand felt like his hand fit in mine like perfect puzzle pieces connecting together. It still couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough to call him mine.

“If you take a picture it’ll last longer,” he teased as we reached his car.

“Don’t tempt me, Harrington,” I teased back. He chuckled and opened the car door for me. “Ever the gentleman.”

“Always,” he said.

As he started up his car and pulled out of the Starcourt Mall parking lot, I wished he didn’t have to take me home. I would go anywhere with him right now if it meant just getting to have this time together to be an actual couple and not to hide our relationship from everyone.

"Are you worried about what people will say when they find out we’re dating?” I asked.

Steve looked over at me. “What? No, of course not. Why would I be?”

The answer to that question felt obvious. I looked over to see if Steve was joking, but I could see the serious look etched on his face. “Because you’re the big popular guy, and I’m the nerdy math girl. Aren’t you worried how that will, like, effect your social standing.”

Steve scoffed. “Like I give a shit about that. There’s nothing to popularity, (Y/N). Everyone seems to wish for it, but the only time it’s ever a good thing is if you’re a jackass like Tommy and Carol, or that new Billy kid. The type of person who likes to make others feel small and who likes to boss around people they think are lesser than. It’s not something I’m striving to keep.”

He had a point. Up until I actually got to know Steve, I would’ve been convinced that he thrived on the popularity. He was at the very top of the Hawkins High School food chain, the number one in high school popularity. But, ever since getting to know him, I’ve come to realize that wasn’t him at all and, like he said, popularity was nothing.

“Are you worried about what people will say?” he asked me.

I shook my head almost immediately. “I’m only worried about what Nancy will say.”

“I understand that, but you can’t keep this a secret from her forever.”

I sighed. “I know. Everyone keeps reminding me.”

He reached over and took my hand in his as I realized we had pulled up to my house. I looked up at him again and he smiled while giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. “I don’t want to push you into telling her if you’re not ready. But whenever you do want to tell her, I’ll be there with you if you want.”

I smiled and leaned over to kiss him. He cupped my cheek in one hand, pulling me back to him as I tried to pull away from the kiss. I giggled at the gesture and eventually managed to free myself from him after another few kisses.

“I’ll see you later,” he said.

“See you later,” I responded.

I was reluctant to get out of the car, but I managed to pull myself away from the magnetizing charm that was Steve Harrington. I walked up to the front door, paused before opening it to turn back and wave at Steve, before I finally walked into my house. My entire body felt light and fuzzy as I started up the stairs.

“Hey (Y/N).”

I jumped and turned to see Mike standing at the bottom of the steps.

“What are you doing, you weirdo?” I asked.

“I was just getting a snack before going back to my campaign,” he explained. “Heard a car pull up and decided to see who it was.”

“It’s just me,” I said. “So you can go back to your fantasy game without the worry of a crazed burglar trying to break in or whatever.”

I turned to start up the stairs again, but Mike cut me off by saying, “But it wasn’t just you. It was also Steve Harrington.”

I froze and slowly turned back to him. “He drove me home from the movie. Nancy came home with Barb.”

“Yeah, but Nancy didn’t kiss Barb when Barb brought her home.”

And just like that, my euphoric feeling came crashing down around me.

Me? Making Barb WLW with my own OC? Yes, yes I am.

Taglist!: @itjustkindahappenedreally​ @ladyfallonavenger​ @sleepylunarwolf​ @pandoraneverland​ @kindablackenedsuperhero @callsignwidow @palmtreesx3 @phantomxoxo​ @bdalas​

If you want to be tagged, let me know!​

[kiragecko]

what do you think about batcest?

Okay, I believe in Ship and Let Ship, and that fiction can be about whatever it wants to be about. So I'm not getting into a purity culture discussion here. Instead, I'll talk about my actual opinions, rather than a moral stance.

Mostly, I think that it is an uninterestingly large category, grouped together mostly for logistics reasons.

-

First, there's incest-kink. Which comes in two main flavours that I've seen: restitution, and violation.

Restitution incest-kink is when a person either didn't get strong family relational attachments growing up, or idolizes those types of attachments, and finds a way to create them with other loved ones later on, through either sex or roleplay.

Since familial connections were my ONLY stable relationships as a kid, this just ... feels weird to me. Why get that from people who, in my experience, are WORSE at it? I find it mildly off-putting in fic.

Violation incest-kink is when someone is attracted to the broken trust, vulnerability, and shame attached to being harmed by someone supposed to protect you.

I like dark fic, and benefit from reliving helplessness in a safe environment (like fic). I will read a fic like this, but usually for unrelated reasons. Incest isn't the draw, it just often shows up in the same stories as tropes that work better for me.

-

Then, there's the Batcest which isn't interested in incest at all. It's just labeled that way to warn people that characters, which the audience might consider family, are dating/having sex.

I think it's a good idea to label that! Some people might want to avoid it!

(I don't personally think that this counts as writing incest. This type of fic is usually impossible to differentiate from fic about characters who are unrelated. The previous type of fic that I described IS distinct. If something has no effect on the story, I don't think it's an important variable.)

I think people write Technical Batcest for multiple reasons. Some that I've seen are:

They're the characters the authour has seen interact. Which makes them the only available options to ship. I can enjoy this type of fic, though I REALLY like supporting characters, and comics minutiae, so I often find it a bit limiting.

The authour only knows how to interpret canon closeness through sex/romance. Similar to the first type of incest-kink, but without the awareness. I'm way too aroace for this boringness.

The authour has a specific dynamic or theme to explore, and it can most easily be explored through sex/romance. This ... is often extremely compelling. Fiction has tools that really life doesn't. Metaphors, symbols, and mirrored experiences can be amazing ways to explore complex topics. I APPROVE of shipping Bats together if it gets me some deep insights into them, myself, or the world!

-

For me, whether something is Batcest or not isn't really a helpful factor. I'm looking at other tags, the summary, and maybe the first few paragraphs, instead.

The only things I actively search out are a few JayTim tropes that I feel are most successfully explored through their particular history and context, and also work best with sex as ... almost a distancing effect? Like, the thing they're resonating with in me has NOTHING to do with sex, but is far too vulnerable to be addressed directly. Pretend sex happening to other people is enough distance that I can actually look into that part of myself.

(I would like if enough people knew about the 'Incest Kink' tag that I could assume that 'Pseudo-Incest' by itself probably WASN'T the first category. It would make both tags more useful. But I still think it's valuable to tag things even if they don't help me!)

-

Finally, here are my opinions about the actual ship dynamics.

I am not interested in Damian being shipped with anyone, related or not. Find it a turn off. He's little, I don't HAVE to tolerate ships yet!

There is a certain kind of romantic exploration I find compelling in rare Cass fics, but I have no interest in reading about her having sex, ever. (The only other Wayne I've seen this dynamic with is Tim, and those were written before the adoption.)

Tim is shut down enough that sex becomes a valid way to get into his head. Really uninterested in anything but his platonic sibling relationship with Dick. Dark fic with him and Bruce is possible, but can go wrong in a lot of ways. I like him and Jason with a variety of dynamics and interpretations - both canon compliant and completely fanon.

Dick and anyone other than Jason usually bothers me, and I avoid it. I relate to Dick as co-eldest-siblings. That is not what I am interested in with siblings. Even Dark fic with him and Bruce isn't fun. Prefer Dick & Jason over JayDick, but the ship can occasionally work.

I'm more interested in the family dynamics with ALL the characters. That's true with Jason, as well. But with him I have the least strongly-negative reactions to ships. The only Wayne ship I get a lot out of is JayTim, but I'd be willing to read most of them, if the story seemed interesting.

Bruce and his children is ... I'm not a FAN. But, again, when I want things dark, that tends to be one of the places writers gravitate to, so I'll follow them.

Alfred. I do NOT want Alfred/Bruce. No. Not for me. Theoretically, Alfred would be even more affective than Bruce for dark ships with the kids, but I haven't actually found anything that worked for me.

And I haven't seen enough fic with any other relationships that would fit this label to have opinions.

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly, a thing I've kind of started to realize within both our proper involvement within trauma / mental health care spaces and within our own healing, a large issue (not bad or derogatory, but rather a "flaw" and an obstacle that gets in the way from the most effective condition) is that a lot of DID / OSDD / CDD spaces are heavily built with a large atmosphere and focus on trauma, trauma labels, terms, the nuances of what is and isn't possible, and just largely a lot of the talk and engagement is about sharing one another's trauma stories and explaining How The Trauma Happens and the details of how Trauma Has Affected / Impact / Forever Changed You and that is COMPLETELY expected and understandable

Trauma is an incredibly harmful, incredibly hurtful, incredibly impactful thing to go through and it can very very easily make you feel EXTREMELY stuck in the place you are. It's not something that can easily swallow your existence - especially if you have DID and even more so if you are specifically a part that got the misfortune of having the role of holding trauma or being explicitly stuck in flashbacks. There is nothing *wrong* with the community being like that, it's completely expected and there is nothing *bad* about it. I think it is incredibly more helpful and better than everyone being isolated, uninformed, unsupported, and having *nothing* to help them through what is often an unsafe environment or the challenges of early recovery.

That said, both of those values / beliefs / mindsets are incredibly trauma-driven focuses that - in the process of helping meet needs, a sense of community, and safety (things individuals with a trauma history have a lot of a need for), reinforce the building of one's sense of self and identity AROUND and on top of the trauma and thus also kind of reinforces the idea that someone is defined, forever stuck, and distanced from other people based on their trauma.

And I think that is a key thing thats a difference between peer survivor groups processing things together and proper professionally guided group therapy of survivors. I'm not saying that professionals and group therapy is "good", because I have had a number of really negative experiences with it myself and as a person with a trauma background myself (even if I talk like this, I'm not immune) I both distrust "officials" and instictually would very much prefer if people who have not experienced extensive trauma stayed out of my trauma spaces.

What I am kind of trying to say is that in the former, there is an issue of the blind leading the blind as everyone involved is more or less stuck in that trauma space / mindplace that makes it hard to see the avenues of healing that go BEYOND trauma and are not something that individuals who are still deep in the trauma sauce are not going to really be the most open to. In the latter, in theory, there is a heavy trauma-responsive and trauma-informed professional who is both able to understand, empathize, be attuned to, and respond positively to traumatized individuals and the frequent challenges; and that not "In the Trauma" view provides a lot of essential and helpful opportunities to challenge (positively) some of the largest generalized trauma views / values and help in developing and builiding a sense of self and a life that is not as heavily built upon the basis of "Trauma being Defining" to who you are.

And as someone who was there before, its totally fine if you have a problem with me saying that "Trauma does not have to define your entire existence and doesn't make up everything of who you are" because 1) I don't know your story and 2) You don't have to trust me, you have no reason to trust me on that; but as someone who went through a shit ton of trauma and recovery myself, I hope that its something you would at least humor that I strongly believe that and have seen it multiple times - both in human and nonhuman experiences.

I just really say that because in my experience, the most important belief and self concept to challenge that REALLY changed how I felt about myself, my disorder, and my symptoms was the development of the belief that "I went through a lot of trauma and it greatly impacted me, but trauma isn't all of who I am and with every day I live outside of it, trauma becomes a smaller and smaller portion of who I am"

I think its important to hold discussions on how healing doing things and engaging in conversation AWAY from trauma can actually greatly help develop a sense of self apart from trauma and paradoxically greatly help in recovering from it. It sounds very anti-intuitive and against what might feel right / productive in the moment, but it's honestly really just such a powerful thing in my experience.

[retrowaving1]

I noticed people creating such descriptions on Tumblr, I assumed that I could do the same so that the people who visit my blog would be less confused about what they're seeing here. After all, I'm really open to communication, but it's probably better if you know what to expect from me:)

So, who the h am I?

> Obviously, Ohiko Amok is not my real name. I don't want to go by my real name on the internet unless it comes up in conversation with my mutuals.

> I'm a person of many professions: (1) personal tutor teaching adults with dyslexia, adhd, Asperger's etc.; to speak English (2) Marketing professional; (3) Graphic designer;

> I have lots of hobbies; I like cooking (I'll gladly exchange recipes with anyone interested in mine), I like painting and drawing (both digitally and traditionally), I do yoga, I like reading (and sometimes even writing) and I like learning about skin issues (lol, I even have a certificate that I finished a course teaching about acne and how to properly deal with it xd). I also play a number of very simple computer games and enjoy board games, but I wouldn't call myself an enthusiast of neither. What I do adore is music - I'm the only person in my family who haven't had any musical trainings in the past, but I do have a strong appreciation for music.

My taste in music is very vast and it'll be difficult to limit it to one genre or a group of artists, but I can easily name some of the most influential performers for me: Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Leonard Cohen, Dusty Springfield, Judy Garland, Fleetwood Mac, Czesław Niemen, Marek Grechuta, Magda Umer, Tori Amos, Volodymyr Ivasyuk, Okean Elzy, Skryabin, Shocking Blue..

I would love to bond over music with anyone with similar tastes <3

> I do not identify myself through pronouns, sexuality, belonging to a certain movement. I think all of those labels are secondary and often limit person to a certain degree. Biologically, I'm a woman. I'm bisexual, but I do not consider myself to be a part of LGBTQ community. I'm not religious. I'm not a feminist of any kind. I have my own strong ideas developed through the years living in a certain context, my own preferences and worldview, but I don't want to label them in any way, as it seems redundant.

> I come from Poland<3 Currently, I live in the Eastern Part of the country.

If at some point you might get confused by my posts' being inspired by both Polish and Ukrainian popular culture and historical background, it's because I was born in Ukraine (albeit in a Polish family) and feel a strong connection and love to both countries.

> Since I've started to post on Tumblr regularly, I very often get some horny messages (i'm talking about real people, not porn bots), so here's one bit of information which I feel obliged to add to my account description: I'm currently engaged and I'm not looking for any relationships aside from friendly ones!

> I don't reply to messages in russian

> I've recently created another blog called @retrowaving-vents to just write random stuff and repost meme I find funny. Welcome, if you are interested in some random stream of consciousness.

Cheers, if you've managed to read this whole post, I hope you'll enjoy the content I post on this account<3 Feel free to ask any questions that might come to your mind, I really like talking xd

[nerves-nebula]

hi there, i want to ask about your usage of it/its pronouns, sorry if this might make you uncomfortable or if its weird or confusing

are your it/its pronouns any different from it/its pronouns for an object? I don't know how to word it sorry, I'm just trying to understand more about other types of pronouns

It’s fine. They aren’t different from an objects it/its to me, because objects & animals & concepts aren’t inherently inferior to humans, so I wouldn’t really mind being in the same group as them conceptually.

It’s a mindset I haven’t fully gotten into but I’m trying to rework the way I see the world, inspired partially by the things I’ve heard native Americans say. Like, I am not better than the food I eat because I’m human. A bear isn’t better than me because they can eat me & kill me. Humans are a part of the earth and would do best to work inside of it and with it than to try to control it or put ourselves on a higher level than it’s other creatures.

I mean clearly we can’t be all that much smarter & more important, what with what we’ve got going on.

But anyway, my pronoun change was at first honestly just the most logical conclusion.

Here’s my train of thought: I didn’t like he or she, Im not a man or a woman. and they/them don’t tell you anything about my gender. If you hear someone call me they/them you aren’t even gonna know I have a weird gender!

Similar to how man and woman are genders, but Non-binary isn’t. Non-binary just describes what you aren’t, its an umbrella term not (inherently) a specific gender. it’s very broad and most nonbinary people I’ve seen & met still identify in parts with man and woman. They/them is so vague that no one would bat an eye if you slipped in a they while describing a cis person who clearly reads as their assigned gender.

And I’m too forgetful & lazy to use neopronouns so, it/it’s was the natural choice. It’s easier to integrate because people already use it/it’s for stuff all the time.

And see, here’s the thing: I have a gender, I’m not vague or in between or a mix. And it’s much closer to like, the idea of a Third Gender. This was something that frustrated me a lot in high school because I would go looking for labels and most of them were about proximity to manhood & womanhood. Or about being agender or neutral. Or about concepts I fully did not relate to. I am not one of those things.

Another issue I had was that a lot of these gender labels had “-gender” at the end which doesn’t make sense to me at all. It’s not mangender and womangender so I didn’t vibe with this naming scheme.

I was also hesitant to use a label a white person made because I’d noticed that white people kind of have a different experience with nonbinary gender than people like me.

Luckily I found the perfect label! Maverique! It had no weird -gender suffix and it was made by a black person who created it online after realizing neutral/agender didn’t fit right.

And yea so it/its is a signifier of me as a third thing. not male, not female, not neutral or in between or lacking gender- just a different kind of person.

And this isn’t even getting into all the ways that I related to monsters in media, which were frequently called by it/it’s pronouns. Or how being abused factors into seeing myself as a non human THING and how embracing that makes me feel much more alive & like a person.

So yea, that’s the run down :)

[cowboymantis]

Y'know what since it's pride month, I'll do a little random rambling about my identity, bc hell I am 22 whole years old and I am still struggling with my gender lmaoo 😭😭

But also, nowadays I think it's really funny that I took so long to properly realize I was trans and aroace

There were. So many signs. 💀

I almost dreaded to come out as trans to one of my old online friend groups, not bc I thought they were transphobic (bc we were always a heavily lgbtq group), but because I thought I took so long and now I'd have to explain myself. (Stupid I know, but my family is very transphobic, so I never got to be my true self irl, and idk if I ever will as long as my family lives, but maybe I'll be brave enough one day)

But one of the first reactions I got was just yeah I always thought you were gonna say that 😭 And us all talking AND OTHERS COMING OUT TOO it was just such a weight lifted from my shoulders, it was so great.

Because of my family, I'm not 100% sure how I feel about my gender, if I feel more nonbinary or male, it's more something in-between, but more towards male,, but that's why I just feel most comfortable without a label, I'm just me and I'm here 🛌

When it comes to figuring out I'm aroace, the thing is, I kinda thought about it before, but I wasn't sure. Even then, it wasn't too long before I realized.

I always hated romance and cheesy scenes, kissing and especially sex scenes in anything I watch make me super uncomfortable, I'd sometimes think about, if I'm grown up and in a relationship, I have to do all of that... And I was actually scared of needing to get in a relationship, or something like that. Part of it was pressure from my parents to tell me I need to find a partner, to, I guess properly live my life or something. And this is essentially what a lot of people think, that you NEED to have a partner to be complete, and I always found it so weird. I don't want a partner I just wanna sit in my room and play videogames all day :'D

Oddly enough, No Straight Roads, one of my favourite games ever, has indirectly helped me- NOW HEAR ME OUT. One name: Eve.

Omg I love Eve so so much, and her whole arc just made me slowly go ... I feel that omg

I was in one relationship in my life, I'm actually still friends with that person, they also came out as trans, but are in a poly relationship now, which is kind of funny to me because we went pretty much the exact opposite route, I love it 😭

Anyway, I never had any feelings of love how people describe it, I never had any attraction to people. But I was so desperate when we broke up, like I lost my one opportunity in life to be in a relationship, like I needed to have someone else no matter how uncomfortable I felt being in one.

And I just saw my younger teenage self in Eve and I think this is one of the reasons I am so attached to this character, gahhHH I love No Straight Roads so much. It has helped me in a time I was feeling down, it indirectly got me into kpop (😭😭yeah), which then also came at the right time when I had a downer phase, and the community of the game on release was just so sweet.

But yeah, to come back to it, throughout my life, I basically went from "I guess I'm pan or something, because I don't have a preference"

To "Okay the thought of being with a man disgusts me, so I have to be a lesbian"

To "Okay, but I just like looking at people in an aesthetical way, I simp for characters or actors as a joke, I just like looking at them or think they're cute, but that's about it"

And then I was just like oh. Oh wait. it's all coming together.

Realizing you're aromantic and/or asexual can be really hard, and I've seen others' experiences be similar to mine. I think, in a way, it's so hard bc pursuing relationships is the norm for most of the world.

Thinking back to that one lesson we had in ethics class I'll never forget, we had to write down something about the meaning of life. And then everyone should say what they have written down and what their idea was. Most people wrote down having a family. I don't even know what I wrote down (probably something like a happy life or something basic), but I talked about how meaning of life doesn't have to be having a family. And the teacher basically laughed at me for saying that bc that's the whole point of being a human!!!

And I guess from that day I had this one sided beef / grudge against this teacher bc how the hell are you an ethics teacher and think so one-sided 😭 Sure, humans start families so they don't die out, but not EVERY human needs to start a family to have a purpose in life?

So yeah, anyway. Aspecs are very nuanced, there are those who have platonic relationships, people who enjoy sex although they are not attracted to someone, I myself am absolutely repulsed by anything sexual and I don't ever want any type of relationship, I don't like being lovey dovey, and I hate being too close to someone, like hugging, etc. On the outside I've always been very distant, but on the inside I have all the love I don't have for romance, for my friends and for this world instead 😌🙏

I guess I can really seem too cold or maybe even angry, bc it's hard for me to properly show my emotions, and that's why I prefer text over word, I can express myself so freely and can add all the silly little emotes I want :3

Also, I always loved the I do not perceive and do not wish to be perceived bc yeah . Me fr jfhdjdhr

Also, I'm not too fond of sexualities and genders all having weird stereotypes, but god damit I love robots/androids etc sm I always would love to be one fr ‼️‼️ I guess that's one of the reasons I was immediately hooked on Tokusatsu- NO THIS IS NOT GONNA BE A TOKU POST THIS HAS DERAILED WAY TOO FAR

But speaking of-- Naki me belobed and ofc their actor, I love Nakayama sm man and recently read an a bit older interview of him and he's so real 😭😭 I've never literally me-d for an actor so much 🥲

[autistook]

Okay so, I’m on anon because we’ve had 0 interaction previously and while I love your blog and do really want to get to know you better, I feel like you just need support rn.

Im going to share a little bit about my journey to see if it sounds a bit familiar to you (even if it doesn’t, that’s alright too!!). A bit about me: I’m a lesbian who that she was bi for ~8 years when I was young(er) and still figuring it out, because I knew I liked women but never seriously considered whether I actually liked men and just took it as a default that I did. I also sort of mentally tried to train myself into liking men via celebrity crushes etc. (something I know few of my gay guy friends also did in fear of not being bi), but obviously it didn’t work. I never actually slept with a man, but that’s more because whenever an opportunity would present itself I’d come up with a million excuses not to and less because I didn’t seriously consider it and I did feel like I wanted to. A lot of my thinking came down to me not being repulsed by the idea of having sex with a dick and instead actively fantasising about it. I thought that meant that I was *cured* as it were, and therefore couldn’t be a lesbian. When I got over that mental hurdle, I sort of realised that yeah, sex with a dick would be hot, but sex with a dick that’s a strap CONNECTED TO A WOMAN? 1000x hotter. And yeah, like you, I never really felt the same level of romantic attachment to the men in my life.

One thing I do want to say is that obviously for LGBT+ people it’s very common to view us getting to know ourselves better as a crisis, and it definitely feels like that. When I thought I was bi I didn’t really come out or anything and tried to keep my romantic life very seperate (partly because I did deep down think the label was off for me, but also yknow, that deep deep shame of internalised homophobia). BUT, it didn’t feel like a crisis in the same way realising I was a lesbian did. I think comphet really does mess with you mentally and it was pretty hard for me to come to terms with the fact that not only did I like women, but I didn’t like men. Once I did, I felt happier than I ever had in my life and I’m out and proud!! I think it might be worth thinking about why we articulate these things as a crisis to begin with and question what are the barriers in your own head preventing you from fairly considering the possibility you’re a lesbian.

On liking non-binary people, I sometimes feel guilty for finding nb people attractive when I’m a self-professed lesbian and they do not identify as a woman. But it’s not because I see them as women? It doesn’t stop me from calling myself a lesbian, however. Sexuality is complex and nuanced, but being attracted to an nb person now and then doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m a lesbian.

I hope this helps!!! Sometimes there isn’t a simple answer to these things and there doesn’t need to be. Labels are helpful, but not when they box you in or prevent you from finding yourself. I think the first step is to really think long and hard (lol) about why this is a crisis for you and what will change if you are lesbian.

Either way, remember to love yourself first and foremost and know there will always be sapphic sisters out here cheering you on 🌈❤️🏳️‍🌈

this helped a lot and made me shed a few tears. ♡

definitely a big part of me has always gone for men in relationships because it's "the norm" and makes stuff "easier".

I've always preferred women. that I do know.

I remember when me and some other girls from my class had a movie night and we talked about sex, and I said something like "I always get the ick when I think about penis and men" because I thought it was how everyone thought about it. everyone looked at me weird and turns out, I was the only one in our group who thought that lol

[werewolf4vampire]

it is crazy that to this day i still see posts claiming that having a bunch of adults convince youto identify as ace at like 13 years old is completely harmless. like i have LOTS to say about my experiences during this time but tldr, it caused a massive amount of harm to my perception of myself, my sexuality, sexuality in general, and sex. for YEARS. i'll put a break here cause the rest got kinda long lmao

i was 13 or 14 when i first "realized" i was asexual. and a couple years later, when i grew out of it - because yeah, turned out it was basically just because i was a kid, with a side of stress and medication - i was so entrenched in the community and the way they talked about disgusting filthy sinful "allos" that i ended up mislabeling myself as fucking hypersexual to cope with the guilt and confusion. i was 16. i was bisexual, i was just your average horny teen, and they had me literally convinced that how much i was interested in sex was pathologically abnormal. i felt like a freak, and incredibly demonized

the worst part of all though is that to this day, it's still almost impossible to talk about these things because people will just plug their ears and accuse you of being aphobic. and despite me being FAR from the only one to go through this, it's easy for them to dismiss it, because many people are afraid to bring it up, don't feel like it's worth the backlash, or don't want to bother arguing with brick walls, so i appear to be an outlier. that lends more credence to the "you're just aphobic" claim in their eyes

at the same time, i still felt the need to identify as ~demisexual~ because i still felt so ashamed of the idea of being "allo" that i couldn't fully let go of an ace label. essentially, i ended up rationalizing my sexual feelings as being something i didn't want to experience, it was just my disorder - because wanting it, enjoying it would be yucky disgusting. i think i literally had "hypersexual biromantic demisexual" in my bio for a bit lmaoo

i think my being bisexual made me especially susceptible to being afraid of being seen as promiscuous and overly sexual. the ace community was very biphobic then too - probably still are to some extent if only because everyone is biphobic, but i don't run in those circles at all anymore so who knows

(which to be honest, even if i were, it's not exactly as if the traumatic experience of sexually inappropriate interactions with manipulative adults and puritanical group shaming doesn't warrant some kind of fear looool)

"what's the worst that can happen if a kids misidentifies as asexual for a while, not having sex?" is a frankly laughable question

[akookminsupporter]

I am not even a jikooker, mainly just here for JM but it’s absolutely insane how so many people are trying so hard to downplay or put a negative spin on their tokyo trip. If they didn’t at least like each other they wouldn’t be dedicating time to go on an exclusive trip this close to MS. Full stop, whether it’s for work or not. Also common sense seems to be lacking with a lot of fan groups because why is it a big deal that Jimin was shopping at a store alone? Maybe JK didn’t want or need anything from that particular store so Jimin just popped in quickly with a manager to get stuff on his own. He was clearly in a hurry because he even forgot the items after paying. Why would the two of them enter the store together unnecessarily to risk more recognition and chaos? Did we not see the circus that was the hokkaido airport footage? Seeing other pjms jumping on that fan encounter as if it proves jm and jk aren’t together on this trip when we know for a fact that they are is so?? Also seeing jikookers attacking the op because they feel like her story somehow is proof against jk is also weird and insane. Everyone has lost the plot and needs to chill and just enjoy the fact that jk and jm are getting some time in together, whether as friends or as more, and preparing a ton of content for our days of drought that lie ahead.

Everyone has lost the plot and needs to chill and just enjoy the fact that jk and jm are getting some time in together, whether as friends or as more, and preparing a ton of content for our days of drought that lie ahead.

I couldn't have said it better myself, anon. I totally agree with you.

The need that many have, not just those in the subgroup, as we've already seen, for Jimin and Jungkook not to get along and to hate each other is baffling. The need they have to belittle the bond they share is over the top. The desperation they always exhibit to prove that they are not together, that they don't get along, that this or that is not true, is bizarre at best.

These people love to label everything the two of them do together or that involves the two of them as fanservice, and I've concluded that they don't know what fanservice is. It's the same as many calling everyone sasaeng. They don't need to resort to fanservice at this point in their careers, definitely not after the success they have shown even as solo artists. So, that narrative is more than obsolete.

Jimin and Jungkook decided to do whatever they are doing together. Jungkook said that the idea goes back a few years, and it was Jimin who suggested it, and he agreed immediately. I won't be surprised if, when whatever they're doing is released, they mention it too.

They wanted to do this together. They planned their schedules in such a way that they could do this during this time. That says a lot about how much they enjoy being together. It's stupid to deny that they enjoy being together, that they are an important part of each other's lives. Acknowledging or accepting that doesn't mean you have to believe that they are in a romantic relationship; you just have to accept that they like being together.

Now, as for what the Japanese account said, I haven't seen messages against them; I've only seen people asking them for more details. But to take that as evidence of anything to discredit the bond between Jimin and Jungkook is silly. We've all seen them arrive and leave Tokyo together. Jungkook arrived in Hokkaido filming with a GoPro. As you say, Jimin decided to go to that shop alone; maybe Jungkook was outside waiting for him, maybe it was part of whatever they were filming. We don't know. Just because they are together in that country doesn't mean they should be together 24 hours a day.

What I keep confirming over and over again, or what Jimin and Jungkook keep confirming over and over again, is that no matter what the haters say, their relationship is not going to change. They will continue being themselves, behaving with each other as they please, and that's it.

In a way, I'm glad that when whatever they are doing is released, they won't have much time on their hands to watch any of it. I'm glad that each member decided to spend their last days or weeks as civilians the way they wanted to.