#i just know im going to be feeling extremely guilty for even existing even if i end up being able to go at this point lmao

[kimmkitsuragi]

not my first reaction to this information as i learned it during the intermission of challengers (yes i finally went to see it) and i was having a lowkey breakdown through the intermission and the beginning of the second half a little bit but ummm: well of fucking course i literally dont deserve anything

[gaykneecaps]

tw vent

[trainer-blue]

vent //

school friends dont look //

//

[memoiich]

I demand your Maul headcanons <3

Im going to split this up in 2 parts

Part 1 : star wars

Maul is extremely talented at drawing. He leans more into it after Savage and him are travelling together.

His memory is top notch , hes the kinda dude that remembers what he ate 5 months ago at 4 in the morning ( if he has a lover i can see him using this to get them like niche ,one time mentioned gifts)

His sleep schedule is none existent. He tried a few times to fix it but since palpetine needs him 24/7 , he hasn’t yet . After Savage gets him back , he tries to help Maul and it goes pretty well . (Like 6 hours per night on average)

The biggest problem is nightmares. He has ALOT of nightmares. Some are from his childhood, he thinks he’s stuck in the gray room on Mustafar or he sees the fish in palpetine tanks dying. It gives him alot of stress and anxiety. Some nightmares are about Obi Wan, he isn’t scared of him but more of the fact that he didn’t win . He gave his entire childhood and didn’t win against someone that was raised by loving people that cared for his wellbeing.

He dreamed as a kid alot about Dathomir.

He is a mercifull killer , he normally doesn’t play with his prey . He tries to kill them as quick as possible ( look at the fish even qui gon ) this mentality gets ingrained into his mind after he got cocky with Obi Wan .

Maul is smaller then most zebrak males because he was malnourished as a child . Savage has asked about this before but Maul reflects by stating its for his fightstyle.

Maul horns are terribly kept. He never met another zebrak before he was like 24(?) so he literally never knew he had to take care of them . Savage is horrified by the state of his horns when he finds him . Later he helps him out with that and now they are alright.

ALSO his tattoos are fading and need a going over.

He feels extreemly guilty towards both his brothers for leaving them behind. He never knew Feral and he hates himself for that . He sometimes wants to know more about him but hes convinced Savage will be hurt so he hasnt .

He is extremely confused towards his mother Telzin . He feels a certain sense of gratitude towards her for bringing him back but he hates for what she did towards his brothers and for giving him away . ( I actually love the legends version where he has a human mother (Kycina ?) even more but clone wars made it work better so….)

Part 2 : modern au

To me it makes sense if him and his brothers had a tattoo parlor or like a piercing shop.

Or like a business salesman

He drives a red and black kawasaki ninja 400 .

Maul still has a lot of scars mainly on his abdomen . He got into a lot of streetfights as a kid/ teenager.

He loves to give gift . He generally doesn’t think that people will stick around for just him so he sees it as paying them for their service.

He has a pet reptile a Bibron’s Coral Snake . Because he finds them cool .( he ended up in the hospital one time because of her)

He hates obi wan because they have a work rivalry.( will rend to his lover about this )

Im going to keep it here for now . I have some more but this is long enough

{masterlist}

[feelo-fick]

Headcanon: Chilchuck and his Bad Takes on Literature

i think chilchuck would be like my mom in the sense that he wouldnt like sad stories. dont get me wrong, cautionary tales? absolutely fine. they serve a purpose to him which is to tell people "dont be an idiot and do this or else something bad will happen"

generally sad or angsty stories though? no point to him, and in his perspective its really confusing how people just read things that make them sad. like whats the use of reading something if its just gonna make you sad. whats the lesson? its not even real so it doesnt help anyone.

whats the point in making yourself cry when you could just avoid that entirely by not reading it at all?

but the one of the biggest reasons why sad stories exist is to let you release all the built up grief in you. to send you something to let out all your emotions in a healthy way. catharsis. empathy.

even when i dont relate to the tragic experiences in some stories, several ones ive read have lead me to realize that im in a bad situation or that im following in the footsteps of the character suffering. its like a wake up call.

and making yourself cry isnt inherently a bad thing. if crying allows you to let go of building pressure and tension in you then thats good!

but chil wouldnt see that. of course he wouldnt, hes avoidant of most situations that would allow him to release emotion, and fearful of letting his mature (read: repressed) persona slip.

hes someone that runs away to quick comforts and distractions at the earliest sign of issue. hes already been in too many horrifying situations, dealing with another is a pain. and he knows denying everything and refusing to look at the situation doesnt help, but it definitely provides a quick and easy happiness in the comfort of ignorance.

because of this, reading something made to make one empathize with and confront these bad emotions is defeating the point of his cowering. if he faces his issues, even if only through the perspective of a story, he'd have to deal with acknowledging that things are bad and need fixing, and he'd feel terrible and guilty in the moment - which of course is the worst thing that could happen to a person (his thought, not mine).

which is why i find the concept of him being/becoming a tragedy himself at the same time as this headcanon soooo interesting. imagine the irony of him bashing on the protagonists of tragic stories for acting on emotion and impulse rather than logic, when he himself has fallen victim to irrational thinking while in grief.

cause... thats what people do when they grieve. they lash out, make bad decisions, ruin themselves, ruin others.

for a tragedy to be prevented, the protagonists would have to change fundamental parts of themselves, and act perfectly rational when under extreme stress. and chilchuck holds himself to these kinds of unrealistic standards because he unwittingly believes he can handle it all.

he cant, obviously. we see it for ourselves in his relationship with his wife. they were doomed from the beginning by chils already-established avoidance and lack of emotional vulnerabiltiy (and whatever else his wife had going on).

this is all just to say that if you told him about orpheus and eurydice, he'd probably be one of those idiots trying to point out the "plot hole" that he couldve "just not looked back" and "just trusted her"

i dont understand. whats the point in reading tragedies? the protagonist is stupid, anyways. why would you take bitter medicine? why subject yourself to that?

i think its just a bad story.

[admiringtheskies]

okay, so The Hyperfixation Is Hyperfixating, clearly, and honestly im just gonna continue going with it bc THEM— *screams* ANYWAYS @frownyalfred uhhhhhh hope you enjoy this as well! without further ado, another idea inspired by the incomparable ✨borderline✨ that just would NOT leave me alone until i got it all down into actual real words:

at some point further in the timeline of borderline'verse, when they've finally got the whole situation mostly under control, the batfam (whenever they accompany bruce, or multiple kids go together by themselves so they're in batclan mode, to do jl/other crossover shit) sort of ends up just doing the whole Bat-Danger-Aura thing, like, Constantly; somewhat unintentionally, but also with not much effort really made to rein it in, bc they do think the reactions are hilarious lol. and like, the thing is, they were ALREADY doing it pre-bond, pretty much right from whenever dick, jason, or both made their first appearance w bruce outside of gotham and first established the existence of mini-bats for the outside world — i mean, that sense of leashed power, as well as the eerie synchronicity and ability to communicate in the tiniest of gestures, was really just a natural consequence of the crime-fighting codependency and the training bruce put them through, originally. (as you may be able to tell, i have an Extremely Normal Amount of Feelings about the concept of cryptid batfam <3). but WITH the bond?? i mean, the kids are all connected to each other, yes, but their primary connections are all to BRUCE, and once they've had time to adjust, and set + actually semi-consistently enforce some basic boundaries, they absolutely take pride in using that to it's fullest advantage (that they're capable of while not intentionally compromising anybody's autonomy, anyways).

and like… OP's already touched on this in earlier chapters briefly a few times, but i NEED a thorough exploration of the idea of bruce seeing this change in them, seeing them subconsciously incorporate even just these little subtle mannerisms, and feeling so fucking guilty about it and spiraling bc he's terrified that all of his self-destructive qualities [that he's painfully aware of in himself] will transfer over to the children, who somehow never seem to realize that how proud and grateful they make him when they demonstrate their DIFFERENCES from him in those regards. and he's just so scared that he'll somehow ruin the few parts of them he thinks he's miraculously managed to avoid 'tainting' with his mentorship/fatherhood until now… …and meanwhile the kids are about to start crying because dad no what the fuck,,, but also facepalming a little bit bc jesus CHRIST, B, did you never even stop to consider the fact that you're just… really fuckin smart and skilled and know how to do a frankly ungodly amount of Cool Shit that we all share an interest in, and we were excited to have the chance to copy more of that shit too?! just, even beyond the great mental image of the Danger Walk, what really got me about that scene was just... his two oldest boys, who are already so much like him, not hesitating for a SECOND to gleefully take the chance to match his behavior even MORE perfectly, and wanting to know where he learned something as (relatively, by their standards) simple as the Serious Business Walk, and wanting to share that memory because it's just fuckin cool, y'all! like, to be clear, i absolutely respect the fact that, at least by the time that they're entering adulthood/in the prime of their mental and physical youth, any of the batkids are pretty much on, or definitely rapidly approaching, the same level as bruce in general badassery — and they probably each have 1 or 2 specific skillsets in which they can and do surpass him. but at the same time, you CANNOT convince me that, at any given point in the established DC timeline, there exists a non-bruce batfam character who can really look at bruce (like his personality, his aforementioned ridiculous skillset, i mean everything about him) and not see at least ONE quality in him that they aspire to. maybe it's something they already have and just can't see in themselves, maybe it's more a projection of something one of their other siblings has and shares with bruce, maybe it's just some skill, some random combat move, that he doesn't need very often, and so when he does use it, it briefly reminds them that "holy shit, he's The Fucking Batman" — but there's always SOMETHING there, some reason that even when they're having trouble communicating or arguing or emotions are running high, they'll never truly lose that respect for him that compels these ridiculously independent, self-sufficient people to willingly follow him: to listen to him, to trust him, and to keep themselves ready to unite under his lead. because nobody can argue that they are a clan, whose purpose comes from being first united under the guidance and protection and love of the bat.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I played romance Louis/save Violet for the first time (and last) in my life some days ago and I really didn't expect the game to feel so different without him. Not is his absence only extremely notorious but to quote one of your old posts, the game won't shut up about him.

EVERY SINGLE TIME. They didn't mention Violet even half the times they did with Louis, and it just feels. Awful. Constant reminder that you left him get taken, that he's being tortured and traumatized. It really did hit different, I wanted to think about all the details for Violet's route but I couldn't. THEY KEPT BRINGING HIM UP LIKE OK !! I GET IT !! I KNOW, IM COMING TO HIS RESCUE

and in the end I ended up getting mad Violet suddenly forgot about his existence. I remember you talked about that a lot but since I hadn't experienced it I hadn't realized how bad it was.

When she didn't mentioned him even ONCE, not in the cells, not in the walk home back to Ericson, nothing.

But back to Louis– the game says Louis' name over and over and it makes me feel guilty and I don't like it

That route haunts my nightmares.

When I used to stream, we called the romance Louis/save Violet [+don't trust AJ] route The Despair Route.... you can probably guess why. You're right, the whole thing hits differently when you've built up Clementine's romance with him, only for him to be taken away. Plus, when you do that, your relationship with Violet isn't as strong so not only do you miss out on a lot of Louis content, you miss out on Violet content for not romancing/best friending her.

And yeah, the game will not shut up about Louis when he gets taken. It's actually so fascinating, because Violet doesn't get mentioned nearly as much, so that begs the question of why? Y'know? I mean, we can look at Louis getting captured and conclude that they keep reminding us about him so that we're extra hurt and guilty when we find him in the cells.

But then with Violet? Louis is the one who brings her up most of the time, except when Ruby pulls out her file. But it's odd that the others don't make more comments like they do with Louis. I think we are kind of meant to forget about her? Well, okay, not forget about her but like... The fact that they don't talk about her as much makes her feeling pissed off, forgotten and abandoned all the more powerful, no?

As for Violet forgetting about him, in my opinion that's just a genuine flaw with the writing... because Violet would ask about Louis. I've played her romance route. I believe that in my heart of hearts that she would, and when she doesn't, I'm like ?????

Sure, you can say she's got her mind on other things, or that Aasim already told her what happened to Louis so she doesn't ask when they're in the cells... except she would ask if he's okay.

They're different characters who react to things differently, and that's not inherently good or bad.... but you're seriously going to tell me that the only thing Violet's says to Louis is a sad little, "Lou..." when meeting up with him on the beach? and then she only makes a minor mention of him when talking about pushing people away on the walk home?

No, sir. I think not. I think that's an oversight, especially if you're trying to sell their friendship in her route.

But I suppose in her defense, if you're a Louis fan, you're more likely to be angry about it. We're used to Louis mentioning Violet and then to see her not do the same isn't great. Whereas a Violet fan who prefers her route is more likely to justify why and how it makes sense, y'know? In fact, if a Violet fan plays Louis' route, they probably get mad that she's "forgotten" about a lot prior to the cells so I suppose it balances out?

Also, can I add for both routes how much I side eye the fact that captured Louis/Violet say nothing about the other if they died on the bridge? I get they didn't want to be a downer on the happy ending, and that time has passed so they probably already mourned......... but c'mon. I know Louis can't verbalize but he can write, he can stand by Violet's grave, something. Violet could've said something. Listen, if you're gonna make me suffer through that, give me some of the angst I actually want.

[the-astrophel-system]

Why Our Alters Mask

tw // brief mentions of ramcoa (no details), using peoples triggers against them, ableism, family being uneducated, brief mentions of deadnaming and misgendering

so, we have a therapist who doesn't specialise in dissociative disorders. but for right now, shes kinda our only option (which is fine, we like her).

but we were talking in our session yesterday and she asked if our mum was aware of our alters and was accepting and stuff. its complicated, but the answer is yes. she's still a bit hesitant, but accepts the fact that we think we have this disorder.

anyway, we mentioned to our therapist that she has been introduced to a few different alters, but we mask almost constantly, so its not like she picks up on it herself.

and our therapist was confused.

again, this is someone who doesn't specialise in this sort of thing, so we do have to talk about our experience and those of people in the community (but y'know she also does have access to scientific and professional stuff, so its not like we're going "our system is the only way it can present").

but i was SO surprised that she was surprised that so many systems mask.

i explained that if you freely drop the mask, thats gonna inform your abusers that what they're doing is working in their favour. they'll learn triggers and use that to their advantage. now, im coming at this from a organic system's pov, we haven't been programmed, nor am i claiming that if systems unmask, they'll automatically be a victim of programming, or later-in-life abuse where the abuser is trying to manipulate the system.

i told our therapist that if you give out your triggers, or you start presenting these switches, people can pick up on those patterns and then use that to their advantage. i clarified and said that i dont think our mum or family would do this to us, its just very very vulnerable and can be dangerous if we unmask completely.

even comments like "you're acting grouchy today", "stop being so childish", and "you never act like this". can all hurt so much and make the system or that particular alter feel guilty for existing the way they do. it would be amazing to unmask around family, but when i have before, i get told im being rude or mean, when thats just how i interact with people. i tease, im a bit blunt, and i tend to swear a lot. im not trying to be rude or offensive, but i constantly feel like an asshole if i do unmask, just because this edgy exterior is who i am.

it can also sometimes be embarrassing for other alters when you do unmask. im sometimes embarrassed by other parts interests, clothes, attitudes, and more. its internalised shit and im working on it. but if we were to unmask, im so worried people wont take me seriously, just because they know of a part who acts differently. and that sucks so much.

another thing is getting told shit like "this is all so confusing", "you have too many alters, how am i supposed to keep track", "you're placing the blame elsewhere because you dont want to admit what you did wrong". comments like that suck so fucking much. i hate them, they hurt, and they're based in misunderstanding.

having many alters (even just any number over 10) can be extremely confusing to others. but i haven't met a single system who expects others to fully know of, remember, and relate to all their alters. all i ask is you accept each new part and if you do happen to remember some names, thats awesome.

it also connects to a lot of gender shit, which our family struggles with. we still cant get them to use our preferred name or pronouns, and we feel like we're too much if we share that we have multiple parts that use different or multiple pronouns. i get that it can be confusing, i understand, especially because my family doesn't see me all that often and if my name and pronouns change each time we see them, it will be a lot to remember. i get it. but my family fills me with so much fear because i feel like they wont try. they wont try to connect with, or understand me. its not fair and its incredibly isolating.

we've also been told that we're placing the blame of negative actions, onto other alters. which, we never do btw. the only time we "shift the blame" is if we try to explain that we don't fully remember what we said or did, because of amnesia. we always try to take responsibility, its just not seen as fair for people to say we're "shifting the blame" any time we try to explain what is going on for us internally. our did isn't an excuse, but its an explanation, yet no one lets us explain.

i explained most of this to my therapist and said that one day we can hopefully be able to unmask more around our family (or even just our mum and brother) so we're less drained all the time. we would get less comments like "why aren't you talking to me", "you're so grouchy", "why are you watching (x show) thats for kids". and more comments like "oh is it (x alter)? thats okay, i wont be mad if you need some time alone", "oh! watching (x show), is this a good episode?", "hey, it seems like (x alter) or (y alter) might be around. i know you're very blunt but just remember to be kind towards your brother", "im not sure if you remember yesterday, but (x alter) and i started this conversation, would you like to talk to me about this, or would you like to wait until (x alter) is back?". or whatever the comments are.

accepting that we are slightly different and not expecting consistency of behaviour, likes, or memories, is so important to us. who knows if this will ever happen for us, idk i guess we wait and see

- virgil (he/him)

[wildpeachfarm]

this is pretty dumb but i wanna get it off my chest. I feel guilty bc when gituation happened i was so devastated and i wanted dream to kick out george lol… but after more statements were released and i got more insight from other people, i changed my opinion and i dont think he had malicious intent. so im comfortable with george and im really happy that he’s in dream’s tweet ! (and still a dnfer going strong 💪) but despite that i still feel targeted with all these posts calling ppl who are disappointed that its george delulu, or they are the same ppl who wanted him to be kicked out etc etc. personally, i dont think it matters. if they are uncomfortable then thats ok with me. i still get tummy aches seeing them complain.. but.. i understand why they’re saying that and their feelings are valid. though, i dont agree with the people who are angry at dream and forcing him to drop george and stuff

anyway, I admit i just want reassurance that im not part of those people being called out, but idk. I feel dumb and guilty looking back to how i initially reacted back then. i jumped to extreme conclusions and i kept crying 😭

Honestly anon this is super valid and I totally understand this. I think the best thing you could've done, you did! You listened to the facts as they were released and drew your own conclusions based on the information you had at the time. When caiti did her first stream, the situation sounded fucking HORRIBLE so I can't even blame you for feeling super upset or angry.

The difference is that there were other people who made an initial decision on their feelings about george, and did not change their opinion or take any other information into account when new things were released. So they still believe caitis first stream and think that the existence of the situation at all is enough to exile george. It doesn't seem like you think that but I definitely understand you knowing where their anger is coming from.

Don't feel guilty for how you reacted when you had limited information to work from! the situation seemed so much worse initially. It's how you react now that matters and it seems like you're going great anon :)

[chocottang]

Oh yeah I thought I'd ask: you said all the shadows are humans in that AU, with Jay being Joy's sister I believe? And of course Gold being Golden's grandpa's kid. So do you have ideas for the other shadows, like Fred, shadow Fox and shadow Cami? :0

hiii!!! yea! jay is joy's younger sister (for a year) and yeah!! i do have some ideas for the other shadows, but its a work in progress hehe

the one ive thought about more (besides gold and jay) is shadow fox!! (i.. have to think for names for them... even gold needs a different name lmao). he's fox and meg's cousin and he's an assholeeeeeee, so him and jay are close friends lmao they're kind of bullies but not to such an extreme degree. they're the kind of kids who will sideye you and make a joke at your expense once and then forget you exist. anyway, he meets gold through jay and he wants to date him. im still unsure if he genuinely has a crush on him or if he wants to get the family money lmao. he didn't even try with golden because jay would've killed him, because she has a one sided rivalry with golden where she wants to become more famous and successful than him, while golden thinks jay is too immature to handle a big following.

fox and s.fox have a baddddd relationship. the idea is that when meg and fox's parents died and their house burnt down, instead of going to the orphanage they moved in with their uncle and aunt. s.fox's parents are assholes. they didn't have a good relationship with meg and fox's parents in life, so they didn't want to take them in. they constantly complain about how they cant maintain 2 kids more, and blow up at the smallest mistakes or not-the-best attitude. s.fox took into this behaviour too, he was frustrated that he didnt have an escape from his parents anymore, and was now exposed to their verbal abuse all the time. but now that it was directed at meg and fox, s.fox was basically manipulated into believing that fox and meg are useless assholes. and when he heard that fox felt guilty for the accident he took that as admission of guilt. all of that + the fact he was frustrated and sad about his uncle and aunt dying made it so he became and asshole to the siblings, mostly fox. and he jsut grew up like that.

ok that was a lot uhh hes not an asshole to gold though he really likes the guy. he's constantly fluttering around him and hugging him and being all friendly and flirty and stuff, so cami HATESSS his ass lmao she gets pretty jealous. gold is not a big fan of s.fox hugging him or flirting and stuff but since he's a pushover he doesn't really say anything more than "stop 😐" and if he doesn't (which he usually doesn't bc, again, an asshole) he just deals with it. otherwise he thinks he's ok (gold doesn't know the whole drama between s.fox and fox, since fox avoids s.fox at all costs). anyways i have a sketch idea of his design

anyways. fred. freddy and him are twins! they get along fine, sometimes bother each other, usual siblings stuff. fred is part of the animatronics as the second voice and freddy plays the guitar. but fred realllyyyy wants freddy to also sing a little and have more presence on stage so he can get over his stage fright and general aversion to being seen. so whenever golden can't be around due to work he will be extremely happy because 1. he will be the main singer 2. he can force freddy to be his backup singer. so fred likes gold enough, because he takes golden away lmao. fred doesnt dislike golden or anything, maybe he's a little jealous but not so much that he hates him, he just sees him as a rock on his way to being the protagonist (and dragging freddy along). gold doesn't really like fred, because he has this weird attitude towards golden. gold has no strong feelings towards freddy, chica or fox tho, they seem ok.

as of shadow cami, i actually haven't thought of anything for her. I'm not even sure if I'll add her, since she was such a minor shadow. but maybe i will add her as a minor character, i thought perhaps cami's little sister, like 12 years old, because i like to think that shadow cami has a similar personality to cami when she was little, because she holds all that trauma, so i tend to think of her as smaller.

i also dont think ill include the fhsz3r0 shadows, like shadow bonnie and chica, because i dont want to have too many new characters, and since they probably wont interact with gold, who is the protagonist, idk if its worth it. but ill see!! i still have to expand the worlddddd

and i think thats all! thank u for the ask beloved mutual!!!! mwa

[hurrakka]

oh man. theoretically in a l4d au luis would've helped develop the green flu yeah? sure it's a naturally occurring virus in l4d canon (maybe. we're not really sure where it comes from cus ceda doesnt say shit but ellis mentions the government using bio-bombs in one of his keith stories so it could be a bioweapon?) but this is an au we can do what we want.

anygays im just imagining leon getting infected. we know better-safe-than-sorry-guy (i call him scout cus his va is the same as scout from tf2) is human when we first find him but experiencing extreme paranoia and some compulsions then a few minutes later he fully turns, going from able to speak and function to choking and growling and fully mutated (either into a hunter, boomer, or smoker) so there's always the possibility of a rapid transformation too. im thinking leon falling behind a bit while theyre walking because he's coughing and chokin and shit n he falls to his knees and luis is all like "bro whats wrong!!" and he gets to watch as leon Turns Before His Eyes. even better if he turns into a hunter cus if you look closely at their models they don't have eyes. we can't be exactly sure what Happens to their eyes when they turn but the two most popular headcanons are both equally brutal-- either Luis has to watch Leon's eyes quite literally melt out of his skull or he gets to watch him claw his own eyes out. Fun!

BUT there's graffiti in one of the safe rooms arguing over how long it actually takes to turn-- whether it's 20 minutes, 2 hours, overnight, or some other wacky chunk of time. so there's also the thought of Leon turning slowly. progressively becoming irritable and irrational and confused and him slipping in and out of conciousness for days until Luis goes to check his temp one day and he fucking Lunges.

and if leon turns and luis makes it out alive imagine the Guilt. he feels awful enough in re4 canon when there's a cure,,, but the green flu mutates too often to develop a proper cure for it. if leon gets infected and he isnt immune then he's just. done. theres nothing that can help him at that point. and luis already feels so goddamn guilty about the millions of people he's killed and now leon's gone too and he cant help but visualize every single person who had somebody ripped from them by his hands.

oh man and if luis has to put leon down? its joever. that man would Never recover. i dont even know if he'd keep trying to survive at that point. maybe just for that shred of hope of developing a cure (even though he knows it'd be damn-near impossible but it's the only thing hes got, dammit) and stopping this whole disaster.

coughs. sorry for the rambling i simply have been obsessed with l4d for going on 12 years now so <3

I had to lay down for a moment bc of the feels and potential outcomes in the event luis lives on while leon well...yeah (thinkin abt how buddy from re damnation would jus turn as well since leon is no longer there and that made me big sad dgkrnekhbfgnjklh) Since the re verse has like morbillion viruses, the green flu existing would be plausible so its just another stonks moment for umbrella lol. But yeah luis would absolutely be devastated. He probably doesnt have the guts to pull the trigger, least he can do is to restrain leon for a while and tries to find whatever humanity he has left in his nonexistent eyes. Tho in my witch!leon hc I think luis may have a chance to keep leon around??? Since witches seem to have the most humanity among the infected (and thats not saying much) he could probs observe him a lil bit without getting eaten right away. It would just be a warm bodies scenario ngl (i just watched that movie recently so this is huge copium dksfghbshgndfh) Honestly Im glad l4d fandom still alive after all these years. That game will always be goated and it was one of my high-school obsessions. I used to do crossover stuff back then and Im back to doing it now. Time rly do be a flat circle

[xirae]

Thinking of myself as a “gaylienated” individual lately. What I feel bad about is that so much of the alienation stems from living my comfortable suburban life. Tbh no one has ever said anything about it to me, don’t even think I’ve read that much criticism about it online, but I’m very aware that even though I’m not The Rich, the privileges come in fast. Growing up in a family with money to exist is just huge. We don’t vacation on a yacht but we vacationed. To have something so precious as the ability to travel, and then to say things that it felt empty and barren induces a lot of guilt. Internet is imo very on the “suburbanites and similar classes are closer to everyone else vs the 1%” and it’s true and I’m never going to come at someone’s throat for it, but ime it has material benefits not everyone else gets. it feels difficult to communicate the severe alienation and dissatisfaction those benefits still produce. So now things like advertisements on tv, the rare occasion I watch it, make me feel insanely guilty. And then it’s like when I have friends who are trying to be upwardly mobile and I’m thinking “it’s not what you think it is, it’s not worth it” I feel so obnoxious even though I think the scars and emptiness are real

Tying it into GAY-lienated , a lot of my disconnect from gay culture is bc of suburbia. Bc when it comes to drag and ballroom, a lot of the sayings goes these cultures were created from necessity, from the hard life of being poor, often also racially marginalized in a big city that actively criminalizes your existence. It’s never going to be a culture I can fully be a part of. For me hyperpop felt like the first “queer” culture that resonated so completely and so honestly and so naturally, and now it’s been completely, but now it’s in its death throes and I’m not even where the music is at anyway. IE Fraxiom and Alice Longyu Gao are having a show omgggg but it’s in Chicago. I need to live in a CITY to be connected to a music or club scene it feels like, which adds even more complications and class dynamics

Tbh like survive gays figure it out, but it’s the ones who still have some sort of social savvy to them. And a lot of them have hobbies that kind of straddle weird - they like Nintendo, shonen, stuff like that. Stuff that definitely was weird, and is still weird in very normie circles, but I still consider not as far down the iceberg as I am persay. I think a lot of these have been normalized to some degree, and these interests are way easier to connect to others with. I still respect the Nintendo gay but I feel like I experience a form of alienation the Nintendo gay does not. Tbh, being an artist or critic is an extremely alienating experience. I don’t think a lot of ppl would find a movie like Fassbinder’s Chinese Rouelette very fun, cold intellectualism is NOT in. And I don’t blame ppl, but sometimes it feels like the gays of yore were more particular, intellectual, and brutal in their tastes in a way that’s missing today. But I could be wrong, what do I know, im a gaylienated individual.

Just sucks being the Noise Music hyperpop Cold Intellectual Artsy Freak bc I just can’t penetrate other gays for the life of me. It’s too unique for its own good. Where is the world where ppl are weird and artsy and intellectual for its own sake and it’s not a culture cut off by necessity and survival?

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi can you be mad at someone whos going through a hard time? My dad is a jerk to my mum a lot, and shes already gone through a lot in life, like a lot a lot, but shes also abused me and can get really mad with me and just be mean. its confusing inside cos its like i dont like her, but i just feel so much guilt for that because she has no one left and the one guy she loves is a jerk and idk it just makes my stomach flip lol. today she bought us all popeyes, cost a lot too haha, but my dad flat out refused to try it. was so mad at my mum for buying him chicken cos he apparently suddenly hates it, and got really mad at my mum. she ate in the kitchen away from him, then made him some noodles. his response? 'what are you doing, why did you make me them??' like very ungratefully, its hard tk convey tone over text haha. like idk he just demands everything of her all the time, never does anything for himself never mind anyone else. it makes me so mad. and feel so guilty. cos i feel like i cant be mad at mum, i mean its not fair for her im the only one whos nice to her idk how long she has left and i just want her to have a happy life yk? but sometimes she makes me super mad lol. is that allowed? can both feelings exist? i dont know how to properly fix it in my head

Hey, nonnie. The short answer is: yes, you can be mad at someone who's going through a hard time. And, yes, you can be affected and traumatised by a person's abuse even if that person is also going through abuse. Both things can coexist. And, even in scenarios that don't involve abuse, if someone causes harm to another person, that harm doesn't magically disappear because the person who caused it was struggling. Their struggle may explain the harm, but it doesn't justify or nullify it.

I really relate to the fears you express in this ask, because when I was going through abuse, my abusive mother was also going through hell. She wasn't being abused, but she was really struggling, and she repeatedly reminded me I was the only person who still cared about her and supported her. So, for a long time, I also felt extremely guilty for hating her for abusing me. She made me feel like she deserved my support more than I deserved to want to be safe from her. And I felt like any negative emotion I had toward her was selfish and extremely unfair.

But that was the abuse talking, and the truth is that no one, no matter how much they are suffering, is entitled to abuse someone else without consequence. And, as a victim, you are always, always allowed to put your safety first. Even if you're (either supposedly or literally) the only person in your abuser's life who is still kind or supportive towards them, you are allowed to want to stop being that person for them. You're allowed to take any and every step you can to seek safety. And you're definitely allowed to be angry at your abuser for hurting you.

It's okay if this is hard to believe right now. But I hope it helps to hear that the guilt and uncertainty do decrease during recovery, once you've given yourself space and time away from your abuser. It won't always feel like you're horrible and selfish for being angry she hurt you.

I can't remember where, but I once heard someone say that your anger is the part of you that knows you never deserved to be hurt; your anger is the part of you that loves you. That really stuck with me. And, when I started therapy to recover from my abuse, one of the first things I remember my therapist telling me was that once you start feeling anger without guilt whenever someone wrongs you, that's a sign you're getting better. Because anger is the appropriate reaction to being mistreated. Guilt, in this case, is a trauma response.

To reinstate: your mum is going through abuse, and you are allowed to be furious at her for abusing you in turn. They can coexist.

Hope some of this helps to hear. Sending you a big virtual hug ❤��

[primroses-n-deadleaves]

i dont have anyone to talk to rn, not out of anything bad theyre just busy and also have their own issues and so on; its okay still it leaves me wondering what went wrong? i only have two ppl that i can rlly talk to like both socialize and also to the extremes of venting, i try to help them too but im not rlly good at it, and so, whenever theyre missing or busy, i feel very alone, which is funny becuz im quite fortunate to have a semi active group on discord with cool ppl but instead of trying to get rid of my loneliness ig i jus self isolate idek whats wrong with me now, all the bad stressful stuff passed, for now,, mom was angry cuz my room got infested with termites, she got rid of them and i was left with the task of cleaning the stain,; and i jus discovered theres more termites to my side that went unnoticed by mom and that are eating the table and chair,; she doenst know of that yet thou so i can handle but i havent, the weekend approaches which is when well be doing all of this, i could try to take care of it before saturday before she notices and gets even more angry at me but here i am writing instead.

i feel very useless, my car is still at the repair shop so i can go out and buy the insecticide i need to get rid of the termitees, its at the repair shop cuz i let it break,, when it broke i called mom and she was at work so she asked me if i had any friends that could come and help me, all my friends are little ppl on my phone stuck to the other side of screen,; she had to call her friend which i was lucky that he was available and came to help me i felt very alone and useless and without any friends theres only so much online friends can do and i dont blame them, im also an online friend to them and i cant rlly do much for them either; that said, i rlly want irl friends.... but those "friends" i, stupid highschool drama ruined all my friendships its been 4 years and im still suffering the consequences of it; and also i rlly miss them, even if they were shitty and used me i still miss them;; maybe if i had acted like nothing id probably still be used sure but maybe i wouldve had someone to call when my car broke down

also im unemployed, with a gambling addiction of all things,, ive been thinking of getting a cheaper addiction- well, cheaper in the long run, something like smoking, not drinking, drinking is a bit expensive and my family from dad's side has a history of alcoholism,, so smoking or vaping, ruin my lungs,, im pretty sure a pack of cigarettes is cheaper than putting 100 into gacha games; why not look for a job? great question, i have, maybe not hard enough but im a bit too depressed if u cant tell by the writing; ive also tried to do online job but its rlly taxing to do a lot of work making vids and such to see no profit and ik ik it comes with time but i dont have time i need money now the funniest part is that i tried to apply for military jobs yknow the army and even those have rejected me, yes im overweight according to bmi, thats all they needed to disqualify me,; so instead i spend my time leeching money of mom, i feel very guilty, im a horrible child,, i sobbed when i was getting my meds and it ended up costing 30 bucks to buy becuz i sent it to a damn walgreens instead of a local pharmacy that accepts my insurance, i lost my meds and i could get refill but itll end up costing until i change the location which i cant change until my next visit

i wanted to kill myself when mom told me i could be working rn and that she was right, i could be working rn but instead i was laying on the bed which isnt even mine becuz i sleep on my sisters room taht has ac

the feeling had dissipated for a moment, well, it left when i repressed my feelings, which writing about it makes me confront those feelings so the suicidal ideation is back; in moments like this i think about one certain episode of fairly odd parents, yknow the one where timmy sees how the world would be if he never existed and sees that everyone around him is doing better without him? i dont remember the ending, i just think about it and think im better off dead, literally, i bring no good to the world

if u happen to stumble upon this, dw, i have a strangely strong will to live, last time i rlly tried to kill myself and acted, i called the hotline, which took me to the hospital where i was fortunate its a good hospital and got treated nicely,; bottom line is, and i quite hate this part of myself, ill live,; this stupid survival instict is strong enough to keep me from dying, i rlly hope it wasnt , life honestly isnt worth living,, the world is a shit place

[ileftherbackhome]

i dont know how to say this without pissing people off but disclaimer here: none of this is written with the intent to insult or belittle the importance of high supports needs autistics for advocating for themselves.

that being said, i find it extremely frustrating to see certain autistics go around and claim that low support needs autistics should not feel invalidated by the labeling system because just like i do not know your autistic experience, you do not know mine.

it *is* invalidation of your autism when you are told daily you're not autistic enough or told daily to just get over yourself and do the thing already. it *is* invalidation to be told that you're only "mildly" autistic because you're "able to work" even though the thing that led to you seeking a diagnosis was your inability to work to begin with (a real thing said to me and other "mildly" autistic individuals during our literal diagnoses!).

like, im sorry it hurts your feelings to know your existence is used to invalidate my existence on the daily basis but that does not make it any less true. and talking down to other autistics about the validity of their own experience will not make this not a reality for many autistic people who exist and who, historically, have a more difficult time getting help with their autism because they *are* and *have always been* invalidated because they dont act autistic enough for society.

it doesn't make it the high support needs autistic community's fault nor should they feel guilty for the reality of our experiences. However, it is not right for them to claim that our perspective is invalid somehow without even listening to the arguments we are making to begin with.

[diaryofthedivine]

ida rambles about feeling alienated and like everyone thinks she's weird for existing (relationships edition, both platonic and romantic) (extremely incoherent stream of consciousness)

i am so fucking desperate for someone, anyone to prompt me about my relationship without me having to ask first. i feel horrifically guilty whenever I bring it up without being asked, even though I have so much that I want to say about him and I love him so fucking much that I HAVE to talk about him. there is so much love in my heart that it has to spill from my lips as words, but I'm so terribly ashamed of discussing anything that is romantic or sexual in nature because of the nature of it. and like I know it's just jokes whenever one of our friends goes "eww straight people" but it genuinely hurts so bad because like. I don't even care if you respond with words. just give me something that doesn't make me feel like im a fucking nuisance. give me anything. please. please invite me to talk about the single most important thing in my fucking life without me having to feel like im committing some horrendous sin. please treat me like im normal. please. I know I'm the weird horny one and I know I'm like The Simp of the friend group i just want to be treated normally. i don't know what I can share. Nobody ever interacts with me when I talk about him and me. like. very rarely does anyone ever do that. everyone else gets to simp and be openly lustful about fictional crushes and whatever and nobody is treated the way I am. whenever I do im weird and bad and gross. and i know that's not what they intend to get across. theyre just trying to do silly things. but i cannot help but feel my existence is an inconvenience and everybody wants me to shut the fuck up. like. more often than not i want to focus on the romantic parts of our relationship. i want to talk about how much he loves kissing me and how he holds my face and how he tells me everything is going to be OK and how he begs to cuddle me and how lovely jt is to fall asleep next to him every night and how he takes care of me. i want to talk about our problems. but i feel like i can't exist anymore without it being purely sexual or feeling like our relationship has to seem perfect because if it's not then we're both failures. I just want to feel like im allowed to be openly imperfect. I just want to be allowed to be flawed and to be allowed to horny and to be allowed to be romantic. I justbwant to be allowed to be in love with him without anyone thinking that I'm fucking weird. I just want to be more than the horny one. I want to be a human being. but nobody will let me have that. i always feel like I can't share our problems because he would be judged more harshly than I. because they don't know him as well as they know me or as I know him. and I just hate everyone except him sometimes.