#i just know im going to be feeling extremely guilty for even existing even if i end up being able to go at this point lmao

[kimmkitsuragi]

not my first reaction to this information as i learned it during the intermission of challengers (yes i finally went to see it) and i was having a lowkey breakdown through the intermission and the beginning of the second half a little bit but ummm: well of fucking course i literally dont deserve anything

[gaykneecaps]

tw vent

[trainer-blue]

vent //

school friends dont look //

//

[solidaritygaming-fanblog]

NEEED MORE from the liml jimmy and esmp joel au omgomgggg

heeheheheheh alright here u go... also im calling this au officially Tick of the Hourglass (until I find a better name). So welcome to the world baby tothau

LIML! JIMMY AND ESMP! JOEL:

I don't have much for them sadly. I think L!Jimmy is the happiest out of all the main cast, specifically because he buckles down and stays optimistic. He does have a couple moments where he breaks down, but he's able to recover. I can't decide wether or not for him to remember his final death, and to what degree (memories getting hazy and unrelaiable the closer to his death, clear up until the moment of impact, remembering tripping or going up there and nothing else). E!Joel is in a weird position- here's someone who looks like one of his friends, walks, talks, acts exactly like him- but isn't this worlds version of him. He is trying to find out how to get L!Jimmy back to his home, but at the same time want's him to stay. E!Jimmy lowkey hates him, and has been missing for a while (two weeks when L!Jimmy appears). This version of Jimmy is nice to him (like his version used to be) and loves his empire, and he feels guilty. He purposefully hinders himself from making progress on finding L!Jimmy a way home just so they can be together longer. He hides the existance of Tumble Town and the whole toy joke from L!Jimmy, and acitverly threatens anyone who trys to bring it up.

Ultimately, L!Jimmy finds one of the old dolls, and remarks on it looking like him. There's a bit of confrontation before Joel breaks down and tells him everything about E!Jimmy- the toy stuff, Tumble Town, how he's been missing. L!Jimmy is shocked, but after getting over, he immediately begins instructing E!Joel on how to repair their relationship once E!Jimmy is found/returns. Maybe E!Joel even takes L!Jimmy on a trip to Tumble Town (with copious amounts of disguising of course, the two Jimmy's look nearly identical which helps nothing) so he can understand E!Jimmy more.

ESMP! JIMMY AND LIML! JOEL:

Oh god. I can't even communicate the thoughts I have about them with words. Okay lets try

Both of them are extremely secretive about their pasts. All E!Jimmy knows is that L!Joel looks incredibly different (different eye color and streak color, different styles, different height) and that something happened to his Jimmy. Something maybe bad (doesn't know all the details) that made him burst out sobbing and tackle E!Jimmy into a hug when they first recovered from being tossed into the Twixt (what i'm calling the vanilla world they got marooned). And all L!Joel knows about E!Jimmy is that hes jumpy and very obivously traumatized. He doesn't like taking of his jacket (hiding any seams or articulated limbs) and has mentioned (a few times) someone or someones who made his life a living hell.

Eventually, after going on a rampage when E!Jimmy dies in front of him, E!Jimmy tells L!Joel that he want's to help him but can't if he doesn't know what happened. So L!Joel tells him all about Limited Life. Like everything. Even seeing L!Jimmy die and going crazy. E!Jimmy is shocked, but glad L!Joel told him, and actually avoids a few behavoirs after this (IE STANDING NEAR LARGE DROPS. JOEL'S HEAD NEARLY EXPLODED A FEW TIMES FROM STRESS)

It takes a couple days, but E!Jimmy (while checking some of L!Joel's wounds) finally tells him about Empires. He's really vague at first, just an overview like "oh, yeah, i got bullied and my body was literally transformed against my will", but L!Joel gets him cornered (idk in which way. physical or metaphoricaly) and makes him say everything. And boy does he say EVERYTHING. He breaks down sobbing (because no ones shown this level of caring for him in a bit) and tells him all about the toy stuff and his relationship with E!Joel. How he just wanted to be close to him and hoped that if he took the jokes, it would make them friends, but instead E!Joel just kept hurting him, and he couldn't ever fight back.

Long story short L!Joel gives multiple run downs to E!Jimmy on how to stand his ground and clearly draw his boundires. They're each others rock, each others constant only thing. It's incredibly adorable.

Woah that took me nearly an hour! I'm going to go make ramen and dumplings (its 1:30 am in my time zone rn). I hope this is enough lmao

[vonbabbitt]

Throwing this in, though I know you have a post saying you're taking a break: I quite like Tetro. The story is exciting, and incredible. You've done an amazing job piecing everything together, and it has lead to me pretty seriously looking into following the footsteps of this project with a story also told in this audio format, since you demonstrated so clearly not only how this was possible, but how this could be done so well for a Killing Game specifically. The latest events, the latest death, as made me incredibly sad, and I feel a lot of emotional turmoil over losing both victims. But despite that, I have enjoyed the loving, losing, and worrying for the future. That's amazing. All of it is amazing. I have my theories and conclusions about who may be guilty and who isn't, but based on the posts I read, I mainly wanted to express an amount of thankfulness that the series exists at all. It's even lead to me writing fanpieces for some character interactions, and I imagine I have a few more in me from all that's gone on. Not only that, but the hard topics of this series have meant a lot to me. Yanagi and Tsuno have especially felt really close to home. The stories they talk about and the things they deal with matter in my own life. And the series as a whole has made me cry over stuff that mattered to me much more than any other media has done in the last year or so, maybe longer, in even broader strokes. All the characters don't just feel like people one could meet, but people I have met. People I have known. And some of those conversations feel just like ones I've had in my own life. You've done something incredible, and the writing has connected to me deeply. And though I can only speak for me, I doubt I'm alone in this. Thank you for this project, and thank you for sharing it so broadly, freely, and completely. Thanks for writing it, and writing daringly, maturely, and earnestly. At least, such are the ways I would describe it.

I hope I can cross paths with you sometime in the future over a creative endeavor. But in the meanwhile, I'll be tuned in to whatever you do for this, and for whatever comes next. As these things are called asks, if you do decide to respond: Who on Tetro is your favorite? Is it the same from when you were initially writing it? And what lead you to choose an audio drama as the medium in question? Thanks, and see ya at the trial.

thank you very very much, im extremely glad that youve been able to connect with my writing on that level and i hope that others have as well! i really enjoyed the writing process for tetro so its always really cool for me when others can enjoy my story as well

also, my favourite is hama! that changed a lot during production, but ive settled on hama as my goat forever i think. sorry to all the other favs i abandoned along the way

i chose the audio drama format because ive always really liked being able to picture things. when i was a kid, i used to fall asleep to audio books every night, and i really liked being able to picture the characters and stories as they were happening. i would always be so disappointed when id go to watch a movie adaptation of a book i liked only to see that everything looked different from in my head lmao.

i also think audio is a really fun format for this type of story! it was a fun challenge to get my points across without having visuals to back my writing. i didnt have very much faith in my ability to do this at first. tetro was originally planned to have a narrator because i didnt think id be able to tell a story without one. when i realized my writing could stand on its own, i took out the narrator and just let myself carry it as best i could. i think it made for some really fun opportunities where the impact of a scene just wouldnt have been nearly as strong if there had been visuals or narration.

i think [Ice Fairy] is a highlight of tetro in terms of audio storytelling - same with [Good Child]. having only audio forces you as the viewer to take a moment to figure out what's happening, which in turn gives you an "oh shit" realization moment that really helps the impact of a scene like [Ice Fairy] or [Good Child]. there are still some more really cool examples of tetro utilizing its format left to come - i hope you enjoy them when they do!

[dykekarkat]

hey I’ve seated myself on your couch PLEASE tell me more of your ghost andreil au it is beautiful and Oscar worthy to me

omg hi yes pls be seated im sorry this got slightly long and also took a bit!! also unsure if this even makes sense or is smth u will like but alas, i just kinda went wild. anyway thank you so much for the ask :)

i love getting a chance to talk about any and all of my aus. ghost andreil came about bcus im not a huge fan of the ghost x human relationship trope thing so i thought what if instead they were both ghosts...love beyond living is just so perfect for andreil...anyway long ramble ahead so ill put it under the cut <3

basic world building in my head is that ghosts are basically humans who are living on the Wrong Layer of the universe because they refuse to let go of their lives or have some unfinished business (normal ghost things). the supernatural isn't widely known about or believed in but there are ppl aware (like renee for instance). ghosts can touch other ghosts but not humans (duh) bcus i want andreil to fist fight and also to eventually have a physical relationship bcus it is important to me. too much interaction w physical objects depletes their energy, but the more will a ghost has the more energy they have (and by god are andreil willful little assholes).

renee and jean are both mediums! renee's been involved w the spiritual realm forever (gang related) while jean just thinks he's losing his mind slowly ^-^ renee is on a quest to help andrew move on (he hates this) but theyre still besties. meanwhile neil is desperately trying to prove that no he's not a hallucination (lol) and no jean should Not kill himself to join him. tbh idk if i want the moriyamas to be in the know or not, heavily debating over whether neil should be able to escape them through death or if he's forever cursed to be in debt to the mafia (depending on how angsty i want this to get).

NOW ON TO THE RELATIONSHIPS AKA THE FUN PART

- aaron is NOT having a good time in the beginning of this au. actively going through hell after losing a brother he just found and his mother. he's getting high most of the time, barely going to school, fully given up on himself, and Super Fucking Angry at Andrew. To Be Clear andrew didn't commit suicide but his normal canon i dont care about what happens to me attitude led to him dying while killing tilda. aaron DOES NOT KNOW that andrew killed her on purpose, but he's suspicious and angry as fuck anyway because andrew broke the deal (of staying together for high school). nicky still takes aaron in but nicky hadnt met andrew before his death so the tragedy for him is that andrew never rlly got a chance. andrew himself doesnt mind being dead (in his opinion its the same monotonous apathetic existence as he had living. which changes once he meets neil) but he's Pissed bcus he thinks aaron is throwing away his life. which in Andrew's opinion he did the hard part by getting rid of tilda (the problem). so andrew takes to haunting him by hiding his drugs and being a general nuisance to try and get him to school. i have not quite figured out how to get aaron to kick the drugs and get on palmetto w/o andrew ngl ^-^

- neil dies at the same time kevin broke his hand. riko snapped and neil pushed his buttons and refused to agree that riko was the best, so riko basically beats him to death and kevin gets his hand broken trying to stop it. a very tragic skiing accident indeed :(. kevin feels Extremely guilty over neil's death and jean practically forces him out of the nest, jean himself is basically resigned to joining his partner in death (smth neil is Not About). at this point andrew's been dead for two years? ish? and aaron is on the foxes as a freshman. neil splits his death time between trying to make things easier for jean and keep him from dying, and thwart kevin's attempts to go back to the nest in increasingly comical ways. meanwhile andrew is pissed about kevin bringing danger to aaron, so andreil are Fighting, i mean full on ghost fights where shit is levitating and lights are flickering and ppl are screaming because andrew wants kevon gone. eventually they do that line drawn across the center of the room to try and stay civil.

- eventually kevaaron start bonding and processing their grief over the loss of their brothers and fall in love at the same time, while andreil are also falling in love through asshole ghost mating rituals. major plot point would be renee using her séance powers to make kevaaron aware of their ghost protectors and a lot of drama unfolds from there (andrew reveals the murder stuff, aaron gets more pissed he died, aaron wants to banish him exorcise him in anger etc etc). the catalyst to andreils romantic relationship occurs bcus riko brings drake into the picture to hurt aaron(similar to canon), and neil basically almost ghost kills himself stopping him (expends too much energy in a short period of time) --> their relationship still doesnt start until a few months after this but it is the turning point for andrew being able to trust neil.

other small things:

lola is a contracted demon to nathan (unsure if moriyamas are aware).

nathan kills riko for killing neil (its a pride thing) and basically starts a war within the moriyamas. that neil Really does not know how to feel about, still terrified his father will be able to hurt him due to his knowledge of the occult (which may or may not be reasonable)

mary died trying to escape w neil so he went to the nest at 10 as planned. when he died and realized he was a ghost he looked for her immediately but she had moved on. it was probably more crushing to see that she could've stayed and watched over him and didnt than to witness her actual death.

tilda and mary moved on immediately after death (does heaven exist in this world??? hell?? dont ask me idk either)

pre andreil reveal nicky starts a channel to document their haunted college dorm. its one of the first things andreil bond over bcus they love starting shit nicky is so reactive. post andreil reveal nicky stops posting on it bcus it feels too weird to him, until neil is like hey i wanted to spell dick with the ouija board again :( and then nicky brings it back with gusto

[memoiich]

I demand your Maul headcanons <3

Im going to split this up in 2 parts

Part 1 : star wars

Maul is extremely talented at drawing. He leans more into it after Savage and him are travelling together.

His memory is top notch , hes the kinda dude that remembers what he ate 5 months ago at 4 in the morning ( if he has a lover i can see him using this to get them like niche ,one time mentioned gifts)

His sleep schedule is none existent. He tried a few times to fix it but since palpetine needs him 24/7 , he hasn’t yet . After Savage gets him back , he tries to help Maul and it goes pretty well . (Like 6 hours per night on average)

The biggest problem is nightmares. He has ALOT of nightmares. Some are from his childhood, he thinks he’s stuck in the gray room on Mustafar or he sees the fish in palpetine tanks dying. It gives him alot of stress and anxiety. Some nightmares are about Obi Wan, he isn’t scared of him but more of the fact that he didn’t win . He gave his entire childhood and didn’t win against someone that was raised by loving people that cared for his wellbeing.

He dreamed as a kid alot about Dathomir.

He is a mercifull killer , he normally doesn’t play with his prey . He tries to kill them as quick as possible ( look at the fish even qui gon ) this mentality gets ingrained into his mind after he got cocky with Obi Wan .

Maul is smaller then most zebrak males because he was malnourished as a child . Savage has asked about this before but Maul reflects by stating its for his fightstyle.

Maul horns are terribly kept. He never met another zebrak before he was like 24(?) so he literally never knew he had to take care of them . Savage is horrified by the state of his horns when he finds him . Later he helps him out with that and now they are alright.

ALSO his tattoos are fading and need a going over.

He feels extreemly guilty towards both his brothers for leaving them behind. He never knew Feral and he hates himself for that . He sometimes wants to know more about him but hes convinced Savage will be hurt so he hasnt .

He is extremely confused towards his mother Telzin . He feels a certain sense of gratitude towards her for bringing him back but he hates for what she did towards his brothers and for giving him away . ( I actually love the legends version where he has a human mother (Kycina ?) even more but clone wars made it work better so….)

Part 2 : modern au

To me it makes sense if him and his brothers had a tattoo parlor or like a piercing shop.

Or like a business salesman

He drives a red and black kawasaki ninja 400 .

Maul still has a lot of scars mainly on his abdomen . He got into a lot of streetfights as a kid/ teenager.

He loves to give gift . He generally doesn’t think that people will stick around for just him so he sees it as paying them for their service.

He has a pet reptile a Bibron’s Coral Snake . Because he finds them cool .( he ended up in the hospital one time because of her)

He hates obi wan because they have a work rivalry.( will rend to his lover about this )

Im going to keep it here for now . I have some more but this is long enough

{masterlist}

[feelo-fick]

Headcanon: Chilchuck and his Bad Takes on Literature

i think chilchuck would be like my mom in the sense that he wouldnt like sad stories. dont get me wrong, cautionary tales? absolutely fine. they serve a purpose to him which is to tell people "dont be an idiot and do this or else something bad will happen"

generally sad or angsty stories though? no point to him, and in his perspective its really confusing how people just read things that make them sad. like whats the use of reading something if its just gonna make you sad. whats the lesson? its not even real so it doesnt help anyone.

whats the point in making yourself cry when you could just avoid that entirely by not reading it at all?

but the one of the biggest reasons why sad stories exist is to let you release all the built up grief in you. to send you something to let out all your emotions in a healthy way. catharsis. empathy.

even when i dont relate to the tragic experiences in some stories, several ones ive read have lead me to realize that im in a bad situation or that im following in the footsteps of the character suffering. its like a wake up call.

and making yourself cry isnt inherently a bad thing. if crying allows you to let go of building pressure and tension in you then thats good!

but chil wouldnt see that. of course he wouldnt, hes avoidant of most situations that would allow him to release emotion, and fearful of letting his mature (read: repressed) persona slip.

hes someone that runs away to quick comforts and distractions at the earliest sign of issue. hes already been in too many horrifying situations, dealing with another is a pain. and he knows denying everything and refusing to look at the situation doesnt help, but it definitely provides a quick and easy happiness in the comfort of ignorance.

because of this, reading something made to make one empathize with and confront these bad emotions is defeating the point of his cowering. if he faces his issues, even if only through the perspective of a story, he'd have to deal with acknowledging that things are bad and need fixing, and he'd feel terrible and guilty in the moment - which of course is the worst thing that could happen to a person (his thought, not mine).

which is why i find the concept of him being/becoming a tragedy himself at the same time as this headcanon soooo interesting. imagine the irony of him bashing on the protagonists of tragic stories for acting on emotion and impulse rather than logic, when he himself has fallen victim to irrational thinking while in grief.

cause... thats what people do when they grieve. they lash out, make bad decisions, ruin themselves, ruin others.

for a tragedy to be prevented, the protagonists would have to change fundamental parts of themselves, and act perfectly rational when under extreme stress. and chilchuck holds himself to these kinds of unrealistic standards because he unwittingly believes he can handle it all.

he cant, obviously. we see it for ourselves in his relationship with his wife. they were doomed from the beginning by chils already-established avoidance and lack of emotional vulnerabiltiy (and whatever else his wife had going on).

this is all just to say that if you told him about orpheus and eurydice, he'd probably be one of those idiots trying to point out the "plot hole" that he couldve "just not looked back" and "just trusted her"

i dont understand. whats the point in reading tragedies? the protagonist is stupid, anyways. why would you take bitter medicine? why subject yourself to that?

i think its just a bad story.

[admiringtheskies]

okay, so The Hyperfixation Is Hyperfixating, clearly, and honestly im just gonna continue going with it bc THEM— *screams* ANYWAYS @frownyalfred uhhhhhh hope you enjoy this as well! without further ado, another idea inspired by the incomparable ✨borderline✨ that just would NOT leave me alone until i got it all down into actual real words:

at some point further in the timeline of borderline'verse, when they've finally got the whole situation mostly under control, the batfam (whenever they accompany bruce, or multiple kids go together by themselves so they're in batclan mode, to do jl/other crossover shit) sort of ends up just doing the whole Bat-Danger-Aura thing, like, Constantly; somewhat unintentionally, but also with not much effort really made to rein it in, bc they do think the reactions are hilarious lol. and like, the thing is, they were ALREADY doing it pre-bond, pretty much right from whenever dick, jason, or both made their first appearance w bruce outside of gotham and first established the existence of mini-bats for the outside world — i mean, that sense of leashed power, as well as the eerie synchronicity and ability to communicate in the tiniest of gestures, was really just a natural consequence of the crime-fighting codependency and the training bruce put them through, originally. (as you may be able to tell, i have an Extremely Normal Amount of Feelings about the concept of cryptid batfam <3). but WITH the bond?? i mean, the kids are all connected to each other, yes, but their primary connections are all to BRUCE, and once they've had time to adjust, and set + actually semi-consistently enforce some basic boundaries, they absolutely take pride in using that to it's fullest advantage (that they're capable of while not intentionally compromising anybody's autonomy, anyways).

and like… OP's already touched on this in earlier chapters briefly a few times, but i NEED a thorough exploration of the idea of bruce seeing this change in them, seeing them subconsciously incorporate even just these little subtle mannerisms, and feeling so fucking guilty about it and spiraling bc he's terrified that all of his self-destructive qualities [that he's painfully aware of in himself] will transfer over to the children, who somehow never seem to realize that how proud and grateful they make him when they demonstrate their DIFFERENCES from him in those regards. and he's just so scared that he'll somehow ruin the few parts of them he thinks he's miraculously managed to avoid 'tainting' with his mentorship/fatherhood until now… …and meanwhile the kids are about to start crying because dad no what the fuck,,, but also facepalming a little bit bc jesus CHRIST, B, did you never even stop to consider the fact that you're just… really fuckin smart and skilled and know how to do a frankly ungodly amount of Cool Shit that we all share an interest in, and we were excited to have the chance to copy more of that shit too?! just, even beyond the great mental image of the Danger Walk, what really got me about that scene was just... his two oldest boys, who are already so much like him, not hesitating for a SECOND to gleefully take the chance to match his behavior even MORE perfectly, and wanting to know where he learned something as (relatively, by their standards) simple as the Serious Business Walk, and wanting to share that memory because it's just fuckin cool, y'all! like, to be clear, i absolutely respect the fact that, at least by the time that they're entering adulthood/in the prime of their mental and physical youth, any of the batkids are pretty much on, or definitely rapidly approaching, the same level as bruce in general badassery — and they probably each have 1 or 2 specific skillsets in which they can and do surpass him. but at the same time, you CANNOT convince me that, at any given point in the established DC timeline, there exists a non-bruce batfam character who can really look at bruce (like his personality, his aforementioned ridiculous skillset, i mean everything about him) and not see at least ONE quality in him that they aspire to. maybe it's something they already have and just can't see in themselves, maybe it's more a projection of something one of their other siblings has and shares with bruce, maybe it's just some skill, some random combat move, that he doesn't need very often, and so when he does use it, it briefly reminds them that "holy shit, he's The Fucking Batman" — but there's always SOMETHING there, some reason that even when they're having trouble communicating or arguing or emotions are running high, they'll never truly lose that respect for him that compels these ridiculously independent, self-sufficient people to willingly follow him: to listen to him, to trust him, and to keep themselves ready to unite under his lead. because nobody can argue that they are a clan, whose purpose comes from being first united under the guidance and protection and love of the bat.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I played romance Louis/save Violet for the first time (and last) in my life some days ago and I really didn't expect the game to feel so different without him. Not is his absence only extremely notorious but to quote one of your old posts, the game won't shut up about him.

EVERY SINGLE TIME. They didn't mention Violet even half the times they did with Louis, and it just feels. Awful. Constant reminder that you left him get taken, that he's being tortured and traumatized. It really did hit different, I wanted to think about all the details for Violet's route but I couldn't. THEY KEPT BRINGING HIM UP LIKE OK !! I GET IT !! I KNOW, IM COMING TO HIS RESCUE

and in the end I ended up getting mad Violet suddenly forgot about his existence. I remember you talked about that a lot but since I hadn't experienced it I hadn't realized how bad it was.

When she didn't mentioned him even ONCE, not in the cells, not in the walk home back to Ericson, nothing.

But back to Louis– the game says Louis' name over and over and it makes me feel guilty and I don't like it

That route haunts my nightmares.

When I used to stream, we called the romance Louis/save Violet [+don't trust AJ] route The Despair Route.... you can probably guess why. You're right, the whole thing hits differently when you've built up Clementine's romance with him, only for him to be taken away. Plus, when you do that, your relationship with Violet isn't as strong so not only do you miss out on a lot of Louis content, you miss out on Violet content for not romancing/best friending her.

And yeah, the game will not shut up about Louis when he gets taken. It's actually so fascinating, because Violet doesn't get mentioned nearly as much, so that begs the question of why? Y'know? I mean, we can look at Louis getting captured and conclude that they keep reminding us about him so that we're extra hurt and guilty when we find him in the cells.

But then with Violet? Louis is the one who brings her up most of the time, except when Ruby pulls out her file. But it's odd that the others don't make more comments like they do with Louis. I think we are kind of meant to forget about her? Well, okay, not forget about her but like... The fact that they don't talk about her as much makes her feeling pissed off, forgotten and abandoned all the more powerful, no?

As for Violet forgetting about him, in my opinion that's just a genuine flaw with the writing... because Violet would ask about Louis. I've played her romance route. I believe that in my heart of hearts that she would, and when she doesn't, I'm like ?????

Sure, you can say she's got her mind on other things, or that Aasim already told her what happened to Louis so she doesn't ask when they're in the cells... except she would ask if he's okay.

They're different characters who react to things differently, and that's not inherently good or bad.... but you're seriously going to tell me that the only thing Violet's says to Louis is a sad little, "Lou..." when meeting up with him on the beach? and then she only makes a minor mention of him when talking about pushing people away on the walk home?

No, sir. I think not. I think that's an oversight, especially if you're trying to sell their friendship in her route.

But I suppose in her defense, if you're a Louis fan, you're more likely to be angry about it. We're used to Louis mentioning Violet and then to see her not do the same isn't great. Whereas a Violet fan who prefers her route is more likely to justify why and how it makes sense, y'know? In fact, if a Violet fan plays Louis' route, they probably get mad that she's "forgotten" about a lot prior to the cells so I suppose it balances out?

Also, can I add for both routes how much I side eye the fact that captured Louis/Violet say nothing about the other if they died on the bridge? I get they didn't want to be a downer on the happy ending, and that time has passed so they probably already mourned......... but c'mon. I know Louis can't verbalize but he can write, he can stand by Violet's grave, something. Violet could've said something. Listen, if you're gonna make me suffer through that, give me some of the angst I actually want.

[the-astrophel-system]

Why Our Alters Mask

tw // brief mentions of ramcoa (no details), using peoples triggers against them, ableism, family being uneducated, brief mentions of deadnaming and misgendering

so, we have a therapist who doesn't specialise in dissociative disorders. but for right now, shes kinda our only option (which is fine, we like her).

but we were talking in our session yesterday and she asked if our mum was aware of our alters and was accepting and stuff. its complicated, but the answer is yes. she's still a bit hesitant, but accepts the fact that we think we have this disorder.

anyway, we mentioned to our therapist that she has been introduced to a few different alters, but we mask almost constantly, so its not like she picks up on it herself.

and our therapist was confused.

again, this is someone who doesn't specialise in this sort of thing, so we do have to talk about our experience and those of people in the community (but y'know she also does have access to scientific and professional stuff, so its not like we're going "our system is the only way it can present").

but i was SO surprised that she was surprised that so many systems mask.

i explained that if you freely drop the mask, thats gonna inform your abusers that what they're doing is working in their favour. they'll learn triggers and use that to their advantage. now, im coming at this from a organic system's pov, we haven't been programmed, nor am i claiming that if systems unmask, they'll automatically be a victim of programming, or later-in-life abuse where the abuser is trying to manipulate the system.

i told our therapist that if you give out your triggers, or you start presenting these switches, people can pick up on those patterns and then use that to their advantage. i clarified and said that i dont think our mum or family would do this to us, its just very very vulnerable and can be dangerous if we unmask completely.

even comments like "you're acting grouchy today", "stop being so childish", and "you never act like this". can all hurt so much and make the system or that particular alter feel guilty for existing the way they do. it would be amazing to unmask around family, but when i have before, i get told im being rude or mean, when thats just how i interact with people. i tease, im a bit blunt, and i tend to swear a lot. im not trying to be rude or offensive, but i constantly feel like an asshole if i do unmask, just because this edgy exterior is who i am.

it can also sometimes be embarrassing for other alters when you do unmask. im sometimes embarrassed by other parts interests, clothes, attitudes, and more. its internalised shit and im working on it. but if we were to unmask, im so worried people wont take me seriously, just because they know of a part who acts differently. and that sucks so much.

another thing is getting told shit like "this is all so confusing", "you have too many alters, how am i supposed to keep track", "you're placing the blame elsewhere because you dont want to admit what you did wrong". comments like that suck so fucking much. i hate them, they hurt, and they're based in misunderstanding.

having many alters (even just any number over 10) can be extremely confusing to others. but i haven't met a single system who expects others to fully know of, remember, and relate to all their alters. all i ask is you accept each new part and if you do happen to remember some names, thats awesome.

it also connects to a lot of gender shit, which our family struggles with. we still cant get them to use our preferred name or pronouns, and we feel like we're too much if we share that we have multiple parts that use different or multiple pronouns. i get that it can be confusing, i understand, especially because my family doesn't see me all that often and if my name and pronouns change each time we see them, it will be a lot to remember. i get it. but my family fills me with so much fear because i feel like they wont try. they wont try to connect with, or understand me. its not fair and its incredibly isolating.

we've also been told that we're placing the blame of negative actions, onto other alters. which, we never do btw. the only time we "shift the blame" is if we try to explain that we don't fully remember what we said or did, because of amnesia. we always try to take responsibility, its just not seen as fair for people to say we're "shifting the blame" any time we try to explain what is going on for us internally. our did isn't an excuse, but its an explanation, yet no one lets us explain.

i explained most of this to my therapist and said that one day we can hopefully be able to unmask more around our family (or even just our mum and brother) so we're less drained all the time. we would get less comments like "why aren't you talking to me", "you're so grouchy", "why are you watching (x show) thats for kids". and more comments like "oh is it (x alter)? thats okay, i wont be mad if you need some time alone", "oh! watching (x show), is this a good episode?", "hey, it seems like (x alter) or (y alter) might be around. i know you're very blunt but just remember to be kind towards your brother", "im not sure if you remember yesterday, but (x alter) and i started this conversation, would you like to talk to me about this, or would you like to wait until (x alter) is back?". or whatever the comments are.

accepting that we are slightly different and not expecting consistency of behaviour, likes, or memories, is so important to us. who knows if this will ever happen for us, idk i guess we wait and see

- virgil (he/him)

[wildpeachfarm]

this is pretty dumb but i wanna get it off my chest. I feel guilty bc when gituation happened i was so devastated and i wanted dream to kick out george lol… but after more statements were released and i got more insight from other people, i changed my opinion and i dont think he had malicious intent. so im comfortable with george and im really happy that he’s in dream’s tweet ! (and still a dnfer going strong 💪) but despite that i still feel targeted with all these posts calling ppl who are disappointed that its george delulu, or they are the same ppl who wanted him to be kicked out etc etc. personally, i dont think it matters. if they are uncomfortable then thats ok with me. i still get tummy aches seeing them complain.. but.. i understand why they’re saying that and their feelings are valid. though, i dont agree with the people who are angry at dream and forcing him to drop george and stuff

anyway, I admit i just want reassurance that im not part of those people being called out, but idk. I feel dumb and guilty looking back to how i initially reacted back then. i jumped to extreme conclusions and i kept crying 😭

Honestly anon this is super valid and I totally understand this. I think the best thing you could've done, you did! You listened to the facts as they were released and drew your own conclusions based on the information you had at the time. When caiti did her first stream, the situation sounded fucking HORRIBLE so I can't even blame you for feeling super upset or angry.

The difference is that there were other people who made an initial decision on their feelings about george, and did not change their opinion or take any other information into account when new things were released. So they still believe caitis first stream and think that the existence of the situation at all is enough to exile george. It doesn't seem like you think that but I definitely understand you knowing where their anger is coming from.

Don't feel guilty for how you reacted when you had limited information to work from! the situation seemed so much worse initially. It's how you react now that matters and it seems like you're going great anon :)

[kissmetwicekissmedeadly]

i have a question, do you miss sui? you're also her friend as well.

do you even know how she got deactivated one month ago? :')

im one of the anon's who interacted with her before-

- 🐷 (:'))

It shouldn't be my responsibility to let Sui's friends know what happened to her blog if she herself chose not to leave any kind of goodbye message.

I do not know the reason, that's a decision she made on her own, thus I can't tell you "what happened" even if I wanted to. I can, however, tell you about something that happened publicly right before she deleted her blog since I was a part of it as much as she was. If anything, it would explain why you felt the need to ask me if I miss her, and why I don't talk about her absence. We used to interact a lot and I really liked her as a friend, but she hurt me deeply.

At the peak of the US elections, just when it became official who had won, I expressed my sympathy for my mutuals who are going to be directly harmed by what was happening. Sui decided to publicly oppose my political views, in the replies of the post, which really surprised me. She basically insulted my intelligence in understanding the political situation. At one point what I wanted to say greatly exceeded the maximum amount of text you can type in the reply box, and I wanted to add a picture too, so I just reblogged it instead to continue the conversation this way. She felt like this was me putting her on blast so she moved the conversations on DMs instead, despite me saying that I don't want to talk about it anymore. We simply have different political views. I won't be changing hers and she won't be changing mine. The conversation is something I'm not going to talk about due to its private nature but I can just say that at the end of it, I ended up blocking her. Shortly after, she deleted her blog.

I'm well aware that there are a lot of people who see it as extremely stupid to break off friendships for political reasons. I'm not going to argue with them, I'm just going to ask, what difference would it have been if this was about any trivial matter? Are we not allowed to choose who we want to interact with? What happens when a person has a passionate opinion about something that completely contrasts yours? What about curating your safe space and limiting conversation with such people? I offered Sui to just call it off and we can go on without blocking each other, just existing out there in the fandom, it wouldn't have bothered me. But she overstepped my boundaries, so I had to block her. It didn't need to be about politics. I would have done it if it was about ikevamp, about a ship, about fanfiction, anything.

The only difference between fandom matters and politics is that fandom matters are far less hurtful in the grand scheme of things, while politics is at the center of our very lives. You decide what is a big enough reason to block someone.

I'm not made out of stone, of course I miss her. This is just a bitter reminder that you can perfectly get along with someone and yet be unknowingly so different from them. I don't want to change her mind or to "open her eyes to the truth" or whatever, she's an adult, she chooses what ideology to follow. This is not a matter of us possibly apologizing to each other someday, I don't want that. I want to exist alongside like-minded people, if she's not one, then so be it.

Was our dispute the reason why she ended up deleting her blog? I am not Sui, i can't possibly know. She'd mentioned wishing to delete it much prior to our conversation, I have personally comforted her when she felt like she wasn't contributing to the fandom (in her own words), the thought has been there long before, it seems. If this ended up being her last straw, that's still something she decided on her own to do. If you, as her friend, want to accuse me of her leaving, then you're free to do so, but I won't be able to feel guilty about it. It was never my goal, I don't assume that the person I argue with will disappear without notice after our conversation.

I'll close this by saying, if the person reading this has any kind of views that are drastically contrasting the ones I've shown here on my blog, political or otherwise, do yourself a favor and keep your distance, via blocking or whatever works for you. Otherwise, you'll either silently rage or end up confronting me at some point. There's no need for arguments that can only end up hurting both sides. Those views are something that we build upon our whole lives, there's no way one little conversation will change anyone's opinion. If it's something tiny and it doesn't bug you as much, then that's fine, we all have such people in our lives, this is inevitable - but if it actually pains you to exist in the same space as me to the point where you feel like you need to confront me about it, just solve it all by blocking instead. We're not coworkers, we're not classmates, we're not roommates, we're not forced to coexist, this is the beauty of the internet.

[chocottang]

Oh yeah I thought I'd ask: you said all the shadows are humans in that AU, with Jay being Joy's sister I believe? And of course Gold being Golden's grandpa's kid. So do you have ideas for the other shadows, like Fred, shadow Fox and shadow Cami? :0

hiii!!! yea! jay is joy's younger sister (for a year) and yeah!! i do have some ideas for the other shadows, but its a work in progress hehe

the one ive thought about more (besides gold and jay) is shadow fox!! (i.. have to think for names for them... even gold needs a different name lmao). he's fox and meg's cousin and he's an assholeeeeeee, so him and jay are close friends lmao they're kind of bullies but not to such an extreme degree. they're the kind of kids who will sideye you and make a joke at your expense once and then forget you exist. anyway, he meets gold through jay and he wants to date him. im still unsure if he genuinely has a crush on him or if he wants to get the family money lmao. he didn't even try with golden because jay would've killed him, because she has a one sided rivalry with golden where she wants to become more famous and successful than him, while golden thinks jay is too immature to handle a big following.

fox and s.fox have a baddddd relationship. the idea is that when meg and fox's parents died and their house burnt down, instead of going to the orphanage they moved in with their uncle and aunt. s.fox's parents are assholes. they didn't have a good relationship with meg and fox's parents in life, so they didn't want to take them in. they constantly complain about how they cant maintain 2 kids more, and blow up at the smallest mistakes or not-the-best attitude. s.fox took into this behaviour too, he was frustrated that he didnt have an escape from his parents anymore, and was now exposed to their verbal abuse all the time. but now that it was directed at meg and fox, s.fox was basically manipulated into believing that fox and meg are useless assholes. and when he heard that fox felt guilty for the accident he took that as admission of guilt. all of that + the fact he was frustrated and sad about his uncle and aunt dying made it so he became and asshole to the siblings, mostly fox. and he jsut grew up like that.

ok that was a lot uhh hes not an asshole to gold though he really likes the guy. he's constantly fluttering around him and hugging him and being all friendly and flirty and stuff, so cami HATESSS his ass lmao she gets pretty jealous. gold is not a big fan of s.fox hugging him or flirting and stuff but since he's a pushover he doesn't really say anything more than "stop 😐" and if he doesn't (which he usually doesn't bc, again, an asshole) he just deals with it. otherwise he thinks he's ok (gold doesn't know the whole drama between s.fox and fox, since fox avoids s.fox at all costs). anyways i have a sketch idea of his design

anyways. fred. freddy and him are twins! they get along fine, sometimes bother each other, usual siblings stuff. fred is part of the animatronics as the second voice and freddy plays the guitar. but fred realllyyyy wants freddy to also sing a little and have more presence on stage so he can get over his stage fright and general aversion to being seen. so whenever golden can't be around due to work he will be extremely happy because 1. he will be the main singer 2. he can force freddy to be his backup singer. so fred likes gold enough, because he takes golden away lmao. fred doesnt dislike golden or anything, maybe he's a little jealous but not so much that he hates him, he just sees him as a rock on his way to being the protagonist (and dragging freddy along). gold doesn't really like fred, because he has this weird attitude towards golden. gold has no strong feelings towards freddy, chica or fox tho, they seem ok.

as of shadow cami, i actually haven't thought of anything for her. I'm not even sure if I'll add her, since she was such a minor shadow. but maybe i will add her as a minor character, i thought perhaps cami's little sister, like 12 years old, because i like to think that shadow cami has a similar personality to cami when she was little, because she holds all that trauma, so i tend to think of her as smaller.

i also dont think ill include the fhsz3r0 shadows, like shadow bonnie and chica, because i dont want to have too many new characters, and since they probably wont interact with gold, who is the protagonist, idk if its worth it. but ill see!! i still have to expand the worlddddd

and i think thats all! thank u for the ask beloved mutual!!!! mwa

[hurrakka]

oh man. theoretically in a l4d au luis would've helped develop the green flu yeah? sure it's a naturally occurring virus in l4d canon (maybe. we're not really sure where it comes from cus ceda doesnt say shit but ellis mentions the government using bio-bombs in one of his keith stories so it could be a bioweapon?) but this is an au we can do what we want.

anygays im just imagining leon getting infected. we know better-safe-than-sorry-guy (i call him scout cus his va is the same as scout from tf2) is human when we first find him but experiencing extreme paranoia and some compulsions then a few minutes later he fully turns, going from able to speak and function to choking and growling and fully mutated (either into a hunter, boomer, or smoker) so there's always the possibility of a rapid transformation too. im thinking leon falling behind a bit while theyre walking because he's coughing and chokin and shit n he falls to his knees and luis is all like "bro whats wrong!!" and he gets to watch as leon Turns Before His Eyes. even better if he turns into a hunter cus if you look closely at their models they don't have eyes. we can't be exactly sure what Happens to their eyes when they turn but the two most popular headcanons are both equally brutal-- either Luis has to watch Leon's eyes quite literally melt out of his skull or he gets to watch him claw his own eyes out. Fun!

BUT there's graffiti in one of the safe rooms arguing over how long it actually takes to turn-- whether it's 20 minutes, 2 hours, overnight, or some other wacky chunk of time. so there's also the thought of Leon turning slowly. progressively becoming irritable and irrational and confused and him slipping in and out of conciousness for days until Luis goes to check his temp one day and he fucking Lunges.

and if leon turns and luis makes it out alive imagine the Guilt. he feels awful enough in re4 canon when there's a cure,,, but the green flu mutates too often to develop a proper cure for it. if leon gets infected and he isnt immune then he's just. done. theres nothing that can help him at that point. and luis already feels so goddamn guilty about the millions of people he's killed and now leon's gone too and he cant help but visualize every single person who had somebody ripped from them by his hands.

oh man and if luis has to put leon down? its joever. that man would Never recover. i dont even know if he'd keep trying to survive at that point. maybe just for that shred of hope of developing a cure (even though he knows it'd be damn-near impossible but it's the only thing hes got, dammit) and stopping this whole disaster.

coughs. sorry for the rambling i simply have been obsessed with l4d for going on 12 years now so <3

I had to lay down for a moment bc of the feels and potential outcomes in the event luis lives on while leon well...yeah (thinkin abt how buddy from re damnation would jus turn as well since leon is no longer there and that made me big sad dgkrnekhbfgnjklh) Since the re verse has like morbillion viruses, the green flu existing would be plausible so its just another stonks moment for umbrella lol. But yeah luis would absolutely be devastated. He probably doesnt have the guts to pull the trigger, least he can do is to restrain leon for a while and tries to find whatever humanity he has left in his nonexistent eyes. Tho in my witch!leon hc I think luis may have a chance to keep leon around??? Since witches seem to have the most humanity among the infected (and thats not saying much) he could probs observe him a lil bit without getting eaten right away. It would just be a warm bodies scenario ngl (i just watched that movie recently so this is huge copium dksfghbshgndfh) Honestly Im glad l4d fandom still alive after all these years. That game will always be goated and it was one of my high-school obsessions. I used to do crossover stuff back then and Im back to doing it now. Time rly do be a flat circle

[xirae]

Thinking of myself as a “gaylienated” individual lately. What I feel bad about is that so much of the alienation stems from living my comfortable suburban life. Tbh no one has ever said anything about it to me, don’t even think I’ve read that much criticism about it online, but I’m very aware that even though I’m not The Rich, the privileges come in fast. Growing up in a family with money to exist is just huge. We don’t vacation on a yacht but we vacationed. To have something so precious as the ability to travel, and then to say things that it felt empty and barren induces a lot of guilt. Internet is imo very on the “suburbanites and similar classes are closer to everyone else vs the 1%” and it’s true and I’m never going to come at someone’s throat for it, but ime it has material benefits not everyone else gets. it feels difficult to communicate the severe alienation and dissatisfaction those benefits still produce. So now things like advertisements on tv, the rare occasion I watch it, make me feel insanely guilty. And then it’s like when I have friends who are trying to be upwardly mobile and I’m thinking “it’s not what you think it is, it’s not worth it” I feel so obnoxious even though I think the scars and emptiness are real

Tying it into GAY-lienated , a lot of my disconnect from gay culture is bc of suburbia. Bc when it comes to drag and ballroom, a lot of the sayings goes these cultures were created from necessity, from the hard life of being poor, often also racially marginalized in a big city that actively criminalizes your existence. It’s never going to be a culture I can fully be a part of. For me hyperpop felt like the first “queer” culture that resonated so completely and so honestly and so naturally, and now it’s been completely, but now it’s in its death throes and I’m not even where the music is at anyway. IE Fraxiom and Alice Longyu Gao are having a show omgggg but it’s in Chicago. I need to live in a CITY to be connected to a music or club scene it feels like, which adds even more complications and class dynamics

Tbh like survive gays figure it out, but it’s the ones who still have some sort of social savvy to them. And a lot of them have hobbies that kind of straddle weird - they like Nintendo, shonen, stuff like that. Stuff that definitely was weird, and is still weird in very normie circles, but I still consider not as far down the iceberg as I am persay. I think a lot of these have been normalized to some degree, and these interests are way easier to connect to others with. I still respect the Nintendo gay but I feel like I experience a form of alienation the Nintendo gay does not. Tbh, being an artist or critic is an extremely alienating experience. I don’t think a lot of ppl would find a movie like Fassbinder’s Chinese Rouelette very fun, cold intellectualism is NOT in. And I don’t blame ppl, but sometimes it feels like the gays of yore were more particular, intellectual, and brutal in their tastes in a way that’s missing today. But I could be wrong, what do I know, im a gaylienated individual.

Just sucks being the Noise Music hyperpop Cold Intellectual Artsy Freak bc I just can’t penetrate other gays for the life of me. It’s too unique for its own good. Where is the world where ppl are weird and artsy and intellectual for its own sake and it’s not a culture cut off by necessity and survival?