#i hope i can get better by january
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this year i was:
insufrible
so ill try to stop being like that by next year
#i SUCKED ASS this year ohohoh sooooo much#i hope i can get better by january#or at least do some deeper self reflection by december#being an artist at uni truly takes up all your energy and good spirit and honestly prepares you to be#an asshole frankly#so many egos going around in our school its kinda embarrasing#like PEOPLE we re nowhere near being leon ferrari#marta minujin#or lopez de la vega or berni for that matter#and remember#egos do not equal being pretencious#chrising#clearly i had a lot of complaining to do jesus see what i meant by being unstandable???
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Aah! Unattractively loud machine noise! A dog's number one adversary!!
-Not so fast!
-Yeah, not SO fast *hop!*
-Do you or do you not feel bonita?
-... I feel bonita.
You LOOK bonita!
Thinking on what made it click for me with this movie, it was always the simple scene of Mandy chasing Uglydog with the hairdryer. The interaction... the way they one-up each other so comfortably despite only knowing each other for a day... it just pulled out my heart! It made me love everything that all the characters and their universe could show me, only to find out that talk of a second movie and TV show fell to the wayside💔 And so my mission to draw all my thoughts for this silly movie began! I'm only at 25% in completing said mission, ouch. But I don't think anyone minds that :9 I'm drawing fanart for the long-run!
#uglydolls#uglydolls mandy#uglydolls uglydog#uglydolls moxy#first drawings of the year hooray!#i drew these in january#queued for february 1st!#my before story idea will just have to wait until i get better at drawing humans#here's to hoping my daily planner can help with me sticking to that#because i really do like my idea for it
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started crying last night in bed but for once it was in a good way and not a bad way. things might be looking up for me
#even if this current thing doesn’t turn out well i think my mindset is way more hopeful#i really believe by the end of january i can be in a better place#things will be ok#i am not in this alone and it turns out life is way easier when you ask for help#i can’t be afraid of asking for help#i just need to move past that and remember there are people that care about me and want to help me get out of this#crying last night because love is so real and beautiful#and its ok if you can’t do everything on your own#because you are NOT alone#anyway. maybe i can show myself more love#it was hard but after the self reflection of why im mean to myself#maybe i can be kinder#my posts#tags#dont be afraid to do it scared
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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#like ik i just started in january so it hasnt been THAT long but damn. will i ever get a call back from these job applications HDJJDJDJDJDJD#two of them did just close wed n fri of last week so like i can still have hope#????#those were the two ive been most qualified for so far.#idk idk. im just gonna have to hang in there#the ppl ik who graduated with me and have jobs... all except one stayed with their coops#the one that didnt had been applying for awhile. like during the whole last semester#hhhh i just have to be patient djdjdjdjjd#one of my other friends is in the same boat as me. but she started even later bc she went to see her family that she hadnt seen in#a really long time. i dont blame her at all. thatd be the first thing i did too after graduating dbndndndnndndn#ya.... need to remain hopeful. just gotta keep trying#personal#im grateful too that positions are kind of opening all the time and at all sorts of comapnies#i didnt have that amount of options n freedom in my last career so its really nice.... tho much more corporate#tho i guess it depends on the company....... idk. i hope i can get a good job. feel like ive had enough shitty jobs in my life#i want better for myself.....
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last valentine's day i wrote a three page long letter and sent it per post and then one day after i sent it she said she wasn't interested. like girl, i squeezed every bit of good will and "i'm not broken just slow"ness into that letter, couldn't you said that earlier???
#i'm not actually angry it was better that way#she was very distant in january#and i realised hey i might be more aromantic than i thought pls get me out of here#and then she actually did let me go#but i *wrote that fucking letter*#and i can only hope she threw it in the trash#bc that actually bothered me#like the letter is WRONG#i LIED bc that's all i can manage when it comes to romantic relationships apparently#lying is too easy...#johnny's silly rambles#anyways story timeee
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had my first hrt appointment today 🥳
#not fandom related#personal log stardate#trans stuff#today was just blood drawing. evaluation and hopefully my first dose of T will be in January#they also want to do a chromosome check apparently. to see if im intersex i think#i wonder if an intersex diagnosis will affect me getting hrt. i hope not 😬#anyway i hope my blood values will be good and that i can start T next month! 🤞#also they drew sooo much blood. 8 vials at least. i think some of those were unnecessary#then again idk how many parameters they want to measure but two vials citrate blood are usually unnecessary unless they want to do#more than the usual coagulation parameters#ill ask for all the lab work so i have it for my own documentation#oh i also have a cold btw. spent the last three days in bed w a headache muscle pain stuffed nose scratchy throat and brain fog#yesterday i also had a fever#but it's getting better today. idk who infected me considering ive always worn a mask on public transport and no one of my class mates#was sick. well whatever
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Every summer I feel like i've grown a lot and I'll do better this time around but then the Autumn hits and the specific way it makes me feel has changed and grown and compounded too and now like every year im sitting here with so much homework feeling so lost and uncertain. And I want to make cookies
#GIRL .. GET A CLUE. Every year#Last year i remeber feeling at first that the autumn madness was the same as the winter madness and that#it shared elemnts with the spring madness#and i stopped thinking of it like that bc Thats Stupid.#I understand seasonal nostalgia sure but you dont need to put it quite like that . Im sure theres too much overlap for discretion of terms#But right now im like. OK this is autumn madness ceritifed like 100% pure#Lastb year i had a lot of energy so the signature enervation was curtailed so i confused it with some other things#But this is certifed . And i feel like an idiot#''oh i can do fall classes of course i did that my whole school career didnt i? my whole life'' DROP OUT OF HUMANITIES NOW .#Im not sure if there even is a winter madness but i know that there is the January Reckoning to be weary of (seasonal deporession)#I feel like winter classes would be easier at this point come on .#I was hoping that this year would be easier bc ive grown and learned stuff and like#I DID NOT WANT TO RELIVE THE MISERY OF LAST YEAR DOING ONLINE HOMEWORK IN THE BASEMENT#THINKING ABT dbgt characters like my life depended on it even though i hadnt the time .#And it's already better im sure bc im doing in-person school now which helps but STILL. I just want to sleep for forever#I did this last year too i made a post like this and ranted to myself in the tags EXPECT ONE NEXT YEAR TOO
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Super Six rules: answer the questions then tag some people to do the same
Thanks for the tag, @surumarssi <3
Last song: Prologue, from the Anastasia Soundtrack
Last show: Ummm.... I finished New Leverage with my sister when I last visited her.
Currently watching: I don’t really watch TV that much, so nothing.
Currently reading: I’m between books at the moment, but I finished Hyperion Cantos by Dan Simmons a week ago.
Current obsession: Tried out a new restaurant that's a 25 minute walk from my apartment. The people who work there are so nice and all their pasta is made from scratch. One of the servers had their baby with them, and the baby kept pointing at me and smiling and babbling. 20/10 amazing experience.
Unrelated obsession: My writing! Broke a [redacted] year creative block in late January, churned out 20k in 10 days. On one project! Now I’m jumping between several projects ^^
Tagging @timeslive-inhouse and @dustyforeskin , no pressure tho
#tag games#new leverage isn't technically called new leverage but idc#it's not Great but it wins the 'not as bad as it could have been' award#i can forgive most of the gripes i have w/ it Except.#for the infantilization of Parker#we are hopeful that season 2 will be better & we're going to watch it next time i visit#i have so many thoughts about hyperion. i really enjoyed it despite dan simmons' nipple obsession#the number of years is redacted bc its a depressing amount of years.#january was a hilarious time to be me#never would have thought THAT would be the thing to get me writing again
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it would be so awesome if we stopped feeling so sick all the time!!!! but alas,
#mark: text (he/she/xe/it)#am i being tmi? yeah. do i care enough past this sickly haze to stop? not really#we’ve been bleeding nonstop since we got the shot. i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to not even think about starting depo#all the physical and mental symptoms plaguing us is making it so difficult to do schoolwork let alone eat and drink#some of us have been pushing themselves to the point of exhaustion making sure we don’t do anything drastic. this sucks#and yet!!! some people are still insisting we get the second dose in january. hell no!!!! fuck that#‘‘oooh you’ll get used to the Symptoms as your body adjusts to the medicine ☺️☺️’’ WE DON’T WANT IT IN US ANYMORE!!!#all we can do is hang on and hope we go back to normal after this. i know it’s illogical but i’ve been scared that we won’t ever feel better#again. anyway ten thousand hearts i’m going to lay in bed until we get enough energy to drag ourselves up and out into public
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potential new symptom unlocked... 😐
#chuckles. im in danger#its probably nothing but just. i noticed this a while ago and thought its nothing. and its still here. so now im suspicious#not going to freak myself out over nothing im not even saying what it is bc then ill just start googling or whatever. its fine#if its still an issue in a couple weeks then ill book a double appt in january so i can add this to the list of shit to discuss w my dr#god i feel so fucking wrung out. so alone in this cold empty world with just my pain and ill health to keep me company#cried a lot while cooking and my roommate came in a few times idek if she noticed or not i dont know which is worse#like seeing im crying and choosing to ignore it. or not even registering it#well ik she cant deal w my emotions anyway so it doesnt matter. id have to be rly stupid to expect anything from her by this point#fucking hell anyway. eaten and taken more meds gonna finish watching this movie and get ready for bed 👍#its a real shame i didnt get to work on the project i wanted to today but trying not to be hard on myself abt it bc i am ill so.#ughhhhh#.vent#hope everyonrs had a better weekend than me 🫠#.diaries
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so to do my testing i need a state id but to get my state id i need a social security card bc i lost mine so im waiting up to 15-20 days for social security to send me a verification number in the mail so that i can apply for a new social security card and then ill have to wait for that to get to me and then i can go get my ky id and hopefully not get in trouble for taking so long to get my id changed and THEN i can schedule my ged classes. and by then ill probably have finished my math and science ged readys which is good and ummm i think thats all. itll prolly be a permit rather than a state id so i can work on learning to drive since we have a nice Not horrible car . and then ill know how to drive which will be helpful to me even if it takes me a while to actually own a car... but itd be helpful to Be able to drive yk. even if i am quite late... and once i get all of that done then thats like finally finished and then i can get a job again and start saving up money for when i am ready to move out...
#and once i am Making money again ill feel better going to the dr for all of my stuff bc my mom says itd be covered by insurance but im#rly rly paranoid abt there being copays or something yk . so id like to Have money jic since i currently have. 3 dollars at all#but yes. and im rly lucky im able to live with my family bc like. they wont Make me pay rent they might ask for help which ill gladly do bc#1. yk and 2. i have been living here free of charge for almost a year 3. even all that aside i want the kids to be able to keep living here#and also be able to eat so idm helping with groceries and the mortgage or whathave you... and itll all be cheaper than paying rent at my#own place anyways so i can build up a good net AND ill have money to start donating again bc i hate not being able to donate it makes me#feel so useless. that was the best part of living in wa was that i Had money to be spending and donating was one of the like. bc i have a#lot of hangups abt money so pretty much spending any money made me feel sick and i had to punish myself for it BUT donating bypassed that.#not that the benefit of donating is that i can spend money without feeling bad but it is something i Want to do because i want to be able t#help however i can . obviously. i am rambling now but basically yes im excited to have a job again#idt ill have money to get people gifts this year for xmas Which sucks but hoooooooopefully i will have a job by february.......... dependin#wewill see how it all works out. im hoping february bc thats the start of the 1st wave of bdays. well . technically january is but thats My#bday so it doesnt count.... bc tag feb father mar weeman may. and then lamp sep and mother oct and i couldnt get either of them gifts and#Yeah i feel evil#BUT!!!! next year i will be able to afford everything all of it ill have money and a job and i can get ppl gifts i love buying ppl gifts#even tho im bad at it i fear. bc i dont have much experience last year was the first year i got to buy xmas gifts for everybody... and bday#for some even :] but ya. ive loved buying gifts since 8th grade which was the first time i was able to buy gifts for my friends bc my dad#gave me his credit card for the dc trip. bc we were on kiiiiind of difficult terms in 2018 LOLLL. so he was doing pretty much anything to#get me to talk to him again the perks of having to go to court against your parent. and also girl that restraining order was meaningless bu#whatever i cant think abt it or ill get kinda mad so were moving on Oh im cramping that sucks okayyyyy. anyways. YES so thats your connor u#date i think these tags are gonna get cutoff in a major way. wait nvm i only had like 22... ok well ending it here goodbye my diary
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bruuhhhhh, looking for mental health counseling is EXHAUSTING wtf
#so now i see why i didnt do this shit this winter bc holy hell#i have been calling around and emailing ppl for like the better part of 2 weeks now#jfc#no matter who i seem to call or email#they just..... either have conflicting hours with my own schedule or they sound Bad. over the phone#im trying to avoid god awful therapists but man is that kinda hard#esp as a queer individual in my area this shit ain't easy#i submitted a new patient form on an office's website that looks pretty promising tho? i think??#I HOPE?!#they at the very least seem to be lgbtq+ friendly. like. damn i mean thats really the bare minimum nowadays but#anyways#i emailed another person just now to see if i can get a consult with her but man........ these emails dont look right bro#lord this is like trying to navigate a fucken landmine-filled field#ugh#this sucks man#why are we as a nation so fucking behind mental health services that entire counseling offices exist but they're not even listed on google#DO THEY exist anymore? WHO KNOWS!!#how can i tell that this number i'm calling is even in-service anymore. or if this number is even the office's number at all?#shit's bleak out here. glad i waited until summertime and after i sorted my health insurance stuff out#bc i canNOT see myself doing this mid-january#fuck that#clown horn
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listening to the stuff we listened to a lot in the first half of 2022 in the hopes of maybe replicating the vibe of that time period well enough to trick our brain into feeling a little less shit about everything
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#that time period was the best our mental health had been in years and then we got traumatised repeatedly again and it went to shit#and I just miss the vibes of that first few months of being in the system where we were just figuring shit out#like there was a bunch of stuff that was shit but from what I remember it was mostly like... source stuff and trauma processing#the thing is we do feel better in general between like February and May#and I think I'm desperately hoping we'll feel better once we're out of January and that spring time won't be too stressful#so we can maybe actually get a break and process some stuff and not be burnt out to all fuck#I think the fact that it's nearly the anniversary of me showing up here is giving me weird emotions about everything
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#tag talk#cons of getting better emotionally. I have to find new music because I can't stand the sad depressed music I usually listen to#listening to autoheart and absolutely not vibing anymore because I'm like hmmmm not me though I'm better than that#I still like a lot of Mumford and Sons though. I doubt that will change since it's delicious religious trauma vibes#but maybe that will change some day too. time will tell.#every day I'm alive I can look forward to changing in fundamental ways I once thought immutable facets of my existence.#and that's fucking sick as hell. things get better and I heal bone deep.#scars don't just skin over. the flesh underneath fills in and stops throbbing.#the suicide scars on my arm healed over within a month but it took six for the flesh underneath to really heal fully.#took months for it to stop hurting when I bumped it wrong.#months before my elbows stopped twinging when I bent them too far.#but they've healed through and through and I live on and I get better and I can do so much more now#I expected to feel like shit in January since historically that's my most depression-filled time of year that I just have to survive#but I genuinely feel so good right now I'm so fucking ecstatic.#things get better. I knew that when I was seventeen and I didn't want to put in the work to make it through.#but good or bad I've made it through and it's so fucking beautiful on the other side.#obviously my perspective will change and develop and grow in the next few months. and we'll see how I feel next January#but I have such high hopes right now
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What will I do when my shitty emotional support monthly 1:1 comic adaptations of mediocre TV shows stop coming out? Mando Season 2 wrapping up in January and Obi-Wan Kenobi in March they better announce some new shit by then
#no owk this month:(#no idea why but next issue is in january#salvador larocca needed a break from all that tracing#honestly they'll have to have mando season 3#they've made a commitment with season 1 and 2 they can't leave me hanging like that#wait no maybe they'll do tbobf first#anyway an andor adaptation would be really funny#by the time they'll get to ahsoka i hope they'll get better artists#and colorists#georges jeanty on mando season 3 wasn't that bad but also...#tbh best thing about owk adaptations is the logc points i can get from it and the phil onto covers#(and the funny ass panels)
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