#anyway. maybe i can show myself more love

[tpwk-formula1]

Hi could I please order this:

Lando Norris, Thick Crust, Red Sauce, Garlic, BBQ Chicken, Sun-dried tomatoes, Root beer, Water, Mango Smoothie, Yes

And could you maybe add a little age gap in there if that's possible. Thank you. 😌

AN: Kinda embassing I did this big ole thing saying 'IM BACK" and then proceeded not to actually be back. Anyways I'm writing this Friday the 10th so as you can see I am preparing myself. I don't know if Im back for sure for sure to be 100% honest my mental health has been declining and my drive to write has been lack. I have tomorrow off and I plan to write most of the day to get ahead of posts!

TW: daddy kink, kinda "ditzy" reader, unprotected sex, breeding kink, baby talk, creampie, slight edging talk, sugar daddy (KINDA)

WC: 1.4k

thick crust sugar daddy red sauce rough sex garlic "I know you love it when I fill that pretty pussy with my cum" BBQ chicken “Gonna let me cum in you? I know you wanna have my baby” sun dried tomatoes "Gonna look so pretty pregnant" root beer daddy kink water breeding kink mango smoothie baby trapping dessert yes served by Lando Norris

Y/N POV

"Lando, are we done at the shops?" I ask softly as we exit another shop Lando had managed to convince me to go into on our day out.

"What's got you in such a hurry?" Lando asks back smirk clearly knowing exactly what I'm wanting.

"Don't tease. You spent all morning between my thighs without release," I reply back in a low whisper making sure no one walking the Monaco streets can hear the very private conversation.

"Who's to say I'm gonna give you that release now," Lando says with a teasing smirk while we continued to walk towards where we had parked the car.

"Cause whether you admit it or not, you love watching me cum," I say with a smirk while opening the door to the McLaren and hoping in. Once I was seated in the passenger seat Lando leans down popping his head into the car before placing a small kiss on my lips.

"I do love watching the way your eyes roll into the back of your head when you cum for me," Lando whispers against my lips making me whine slightly and try to lean into Lando's lips for another kiss but he's pulling away slowly with a small laugh falling from his lips.

"You'll have to wait baby," Lando says in a teasing voice while closing the car door and making his way to the driver's side.

When we finally make it to Lando's apartment I'm unbuckling and ready to hope out the car before Lando had even put the car fully in park.

"Such a whore you're in this much of a hurry?" Lando says with a smirk making me roll my eyes and jump out of the car before rounding it to Lando's side and pulling him towards me.

Once Lando and I standing chest to chest my hands quickly find the back of his neck as I try to pull him towards me.

"Please daddy," I whine still trying to pull him towards me.

"Let's get inside the apartment first," Lando whispered back starting to show signs of being turned on.

We both quickly make our way up to the apartment my hand never leaving his and when we get inside the apartment Lando quickly has me pushed up against the door.

"Fuck, you look so fucking good in this dress," Lando groans against my lips while running his hands up and down my thighs.

"Thanks daddy, you bought it," I whisper back while letting a teasing laugh fall from my lips before finally pulling Lando in for the kiss I had been wanting for all day.

I moan into the kiss when I feel Lando's tongue tangle into mine. When Lando's hands wrap around the back of my thighs I jump into his arms wrapping my legs around his waist and letting him carry me into his bedroom.

“Gonna let me cum in you tonight? I know you wanna have my baby,” Lando groans against my lips making me whimper and nod.

While all of this had started as a friends with benefits with a bit of a sugar daddy twist we had quickly fallen into a routine that became clear we were each other's person and more than just a friend. Now being together for more than two years we have finally been able to play into our breeding kink.

"Please daddy. I wanna feel your cum filling up my pussy," I whimper back into his mouth. I can feel Lando grinding into my core through our clothes making me whimper.

"Please daddy, I can't take anymore teasing," I whine trying to grind my hips into him harder.

Lando finally sits up a bit and pulls his shirt off before pulling my dress up and off my body with a bit of my help. When he sees that I'm not wearing a bra or any panties under my dress Lando can't help the moan that leaves his lips.

"My pretty slut. You walked around all day letting your pussy juices drip down your thighs all day," Lando says with a smirk while letting his fingers lightly trail over my hardened nipple.

"You had me too flustered after this morning," I admit sheepishly trying to burry my face into his neck but Lando holds me back making sure I can see his smirk, before he plants a soft his on my lips before letting them trail down my jaw and neck.

"Oh Lan," I moan softly when his mouth finds one of my nipples. This only encourages Lando travel farther down my body and once his mouth finally touches my throbbing clit I can't the moan I let out.

"Fuck, already so wet for me," Lando says with a smirk while running his fingers through my drenched fold before dipping two of his thick fingers into my desperate hole.

"So good," I moan loudly when Lando's fingers graze my G-spot at the same time his tongue takes a long lick at my clit.

It didn't take long for Lando to bring me close to the edge given all the teasing Lando had put me through this morning. I knew he wasn't gonna let me cum that easy but I can't help the loud whine I let out when he pulls away from my desperate pussy.

"Lando, please! I need to cum," I whine trying to grind my hips up trying to get some kind of stimulation.

Lando finally gives into my pleas because he stands up for a split second to pull off his pants and boxers before climbing back into the bed and almost instantly running the hard tip of his thick cock through my folds before pushing in filling me up completely.

"Fuck, gonna look so pretty pregnant," Lando grunts while fucking into me at a harder pace clearly thinking about what I may look like when I get pregnant with his kids.

"Fuck daddy, harder," I moan arching my back off the bed slightly, letting Lando hit my G-spot at the new angle he is fucking me at.

"Fuck, I can feel you clenching around me. Tryna milk all my cum huh?" Lando grunts out teasing me slightly only driving me even closer to the edge.

"Yes daddy! Please can I cum," I beg feeling tears start to well up in my eyes from holding back from cumming for so long.

"Cum for me and then beg for my cum," Lando grunts making me whimper before I feel his fingers start to tease my clit throwing me over the edge almost instantly.

"Oh fuck, thank you daddy!" I cry out in a moan feeling my orgasm come in waves while Lando continues to milk every last bit of pleasure out of my body.

"Please fill me up with your cum," I beg softly letting my post orgasm haze set in. I can feel Lando's thrusts start to shutter before I feel one final thrust deep into my pussy and Lando filling me up with his warm cum.

"Mm, thank you, Lan," I mumble pulling Lando in for another kiss moaning when I feel one final rope shoot into my pussy.

"I know you love it when I fill that pretty pussy with my cum," Lando teases while pulling out of my pussy making me whimper slightly when I feel my pussy clench around nothing.

Lando quickly collects some of the cum from my leaking pussy before fucking it back into my pussy. I whimper when he grazes my G-spot before slipping his fingers out and teasing my clit for a split second before pulling away.

Lando leans down over my body and places a few soft kisses along my face before finding my lips.

"I love you," Lando tells me softly against my lips making me smile softly.

"I love you too!" I say back with a bright smile starting to spread across my face.

Lando climbs out of bed and finds a a clean towel coming back into the room and softly cleaning me up while he praises me for doing to good.

Once he's cleaned me up enough he grabs a pair of clean boxers and throws them on while finding one of his shirts and making his way back to the bed and helping put it on me.

Once we both get settled into bed I can help but feel a sense of contentment wash over me.

"Will you finally move in officially?" Lando asks softly while running his fingers through my hair.

"Only when you finally get me pregnant," I tease with a smirk on my face. Lando just rolls his eyes and laughs lightly.

[handlemehyuck]

LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP for boyfriend dreamies

♡a voicemail for mark˚ ⋆。

“i keep listening to songs i haven’t heard in forever, not since i was a kid or teenager, and they transport me back to that time. suddenly, i’m wearing pink converse and jean shorts and the t-shirt from my summer play. it’s saturday, and i’m sitting on the stairs waiting for my friend to arrive, sunlight all over the walls. we wanted to have a sleepover, but there’s church in the morning, so she’ll stay as late as she can, probably until we’re dozing off on the couch watching one of the dvds she brought. naturally, i have to think about you because music wraps around your life in a way it never will for me. we’ve probably talked about this. maybe the conversation took a different shape before, but what’s a song that takes you back? what’s a time you miss and revisit through music? do you have time to think about those things? your life is go go go, and i’ve made silly wishes on eyelashes about peering into your head. i’m a reminiscer, and i know not everyone is, but you’re a creative. you’re a writer—music wraps around your life in a special way, so the idea of nostalgia visiting rarely seems unrealistic? but i guess i can’t know until you tell me. i see it often. i see it when i’m out without my glasses. the distant view is blurry, and suddenly, there i am, riding a bike, pink converse on. what shows up in your blurry nostalgia view?”

♡a voicemail for renjun˚ ⋆。

“babyyyy, i had the best time tonight. i feel like i’m covered in stars. areum’s parents have this sprawling backyard, so we collected a bunch of blankets, packed a picnic basket, and stayed out for hours beneath the most beautiful willow tree i’ve ever seen. i wore linen pants and a bikini top—your favorite one. i had a cardigan too, just in case, but the weather was perfect. i really needed to get out of the city. i know you know that, and i wanted to call you because… hmm sometimes i feel like my life is strung together by reminders. reminders of you and other people and things i love. reminders of our beginnings and all the sweet milestones along the way. i think my love could light up all the stars, more stars than i could ever see with my own eyes, enough stars to make a path between your hometown and my own. i’ll bring you back a jar of stardust. it’ll be empty… you’ll think it’s empty. sometimes magical things are invisible, or they just glow in the dark. anyway, it’s late, like 3 am, and i’m honestly glad you didn’t answer. as badly as i want to hear your voice, you should be asleep. i hope this voicemail makes you smile in the morning. i’ll send you some pictures too. see you on sunday. MWAH kisses *giggles*.”

♡a voicemail for jeno˚ ⋆。

“i’m going to my mom’s tomorrow, and i keep thinking about the drive. i rented a car… you know all of this already, but i guess it’s just present in my mind again. i’m staring at my luggage right now, and the entire thing feels wrong. i’m sorry if this sounds horrible, but i’m so used to you leaving. i’ve gotten really good at that. i’m good at being alone. i made sure i love my apartment and feel at home in it when you’re away because i’d fully unravel or find myself at your place more often than i already am if didn’t love it… stopping by to water all of those plants you don’t actually have. anyway, yeah… it just feels weird. i feel like you should be coming. i keep thinking about driving together: which one of us would pump the gas? who would run inside for snacks? what would we talk about in the car? would you drive halfway or drive all the way because you know i’d rather not if the option’s available to me? i know i’ll be fine. i’ve driven long ways on my own before, but it’ll be weird. i’ll be in a guest room. i don’t know what color the comforter is. i don’t know if i’ll like the sheets. my mom knows i’m weird and particular, but will she remember that when she’s fluffing up the pillows? what will i do when i can’t sleep? i love my mom. i haven’t seen her in months, but i close my eyes and daydream about being with you. i yearn for you in the stickiest of ways. it probably falls off of me too and hangs thickly in the air, gets stuck to the bottom of people’s shoes. i’d apologize if i knew, but i’m all caught up on you you you... i’m saying all of this, but i know this trip will be good for me. i know i’m not dependent on you, but last year was one of your busiest yet. and pride isn’t a question—i’ll spend my entire life being proud of you, but i can’t pretend there weren’t nights when the missing was so palpable i couldn’t sleep, so i read or baked bread or watched my toes wrinkle in the bath. it would be good for me to sleep at my mom’s, wake up to a new view, share breakfast, and simple conversation. i know i need the rest. i know everything will be fine.”

♡a voicemail for haechan˚ ⋆。

“if you told me the grass and the trees and the streets are all white, i would believe you. it’s like a blizzard out there. i’ve never seen so much white in my entire life. honestly, it’s kind of freaking me out, making me feel claustrophobic. i look up at the sky, back down again, and nothing changes, apart from the shapes and the saving grace of traffic lights—at least their colors are still clear. could we get by with just green, red and yellow for the rest of our lives?… some food for thought. anyway, it’s snowing *laughs*. i’m on my… third? tea after a few hot chocolates as well. no food so far today, just warm drinks. last time it snowed, you made kimchi jjigae and we ate in front of the window. do you remember that? we brought over my coffee table and the pot, bowls, and rice… i stopped listening to your story, all zeroed in on a snowflake. i didn’t look away until you kissed my neck. that’s quite a dangerous superpower: you have me at will with kisses, but i trust you with my weakest point... it wouldn’t be the same if i make kimchi jjigae and eat in front of the window without you. i should sit at the dining room table or maybe even the kitchen island—give myself a break from all the white. hopefully, i can still see you tomorrow. maybe you can kiss my neck again and tend to a few of my other weaker points… i love you.”

♡a voicemail for jaemin˚ ⋆。

“i want you to come over right now, and i know that you can’t. i also know that i might not see you for a couple of days, but i want to do nothing with you. i wish it didn’t feel silly… or embarrassing to want. i don’t know why wanting is so uncomfortable for me to share, especially because i’ve wanted loudly with you already, over and over again… but i guess i just wanted you to know. i painted my nails and went to the grocery store and chopped bell peppers because if they’re already prepped i know i’ll be more likely to eat them. i hung up some pictures in my room, and i kept thinking about you when i’d step back to make sure each one was straight. you would’ve done that part for me. i want to do everything together, and i don’t want you to feel bad because we can’t. that’s not why i’m leaving you this. i just know how happy it makes me feel when you express your want for me, in small ways, in spontaneous ways, in sexy ways… in uncomfortable ways, when you just want to be held, when you just need me to listen… it never ends with you. it never ends with me. we’re these entities that constantly move together and around each other, and i know i can get where i need to go without you, but it’s so much more fun when you’re here, and we’re in motion together. i’m making tea, and i think i’m going to drink it on the balcony. i’ll have to put socks on and a coat, but i want to hear the traffic noise and look down at people by themselves or in groups walking around and existing. i was existing for a long time. i felt really disconnected from living, but i knew i wanted to—to feel like i was living again. i just wasn’t quite sure how to get back to that place, but i was starting to figure it out when we met. on our first date, i felt like i struck gold. it was in your smile and your laughter, and this feeling that embraced me because all of a sudden i wasn’t nervous. i had only said your name out loud three times, but it felt so comfortable in my mouth. i remember leaving and whispering it to myself over and over again, and i couldn’t help but hope it would become a name i’d say for the rest of my life. so i’m going to drink my tea and enjoy this beautiful city we live in. i’m going to fold laundry and plan dinner. i’m going to think of you and get excited about the next night we fall asleep together.”

♡a voicemail for chenle˚ ⋆。

“i made it through the list of movies you left me. that sticky note is cute by the way. i like the border of little bears wearing scarves. where’d you get it? i almost threw it out on accident yesterday when i was cleaning my kitchen. now it’s living on my fridge. i taped it down on every side so my cleaning, autopilot fingers can’t attempt a second disposal… when you get this, i’d love some more movies. i’d ask for a horror film, but the idea of watching anything scary without you sounds worse than unclogging the shower drain or some other unpleasant household chore. oh! i went out this morning with chaewon, and she’s dating someone new. i started talking about hosting a dinner before i could really think it through. would you host another one with me? no pressure. chaewon told me not to even mention it to you, something about bad luck… she needs to wait a couple months before bringing them around all of our friends—has to pass 60 days of dating. there’s something romantic about a dinner party to me, though. maybe it’s just the wholesome quality time with my favorite people and knowing you’re only a look away. i don’t know if you remember, but you would always trail your fingertip up and down the back of my arm and kiss my cheek every time you got up, never wanting to interrupt the conversation but noticing the glasses in need of more wine. *groan* everything you do turns me on… ridiculous. do you even have a clue? no, i know you do. *sigh* g’night sunshine.”

♡a voicemail for jisung˚ ⋆。

“that fight was gross. i had to shower as soon as i got home, and the clothes i was wearing are already in the washing machine. are you ok? i know we tried to make it pretty again, but it felt ugly even at the end, and your eyes were so red. i hate seeing you cry. i love it actually… seeing your emotions, but never when it’s like that. i was so close to going to your favorite restaurant and picking us up something, but i know you need some time. but, if you listen to this, you can text me if you’re hungry, and i will go to your favorite restaurant. i can leave the food outside or just in the entryway, unless you’re crying again when i get there. then, i will take off my shoes and hug you, and i won’t stop until you at least hug me back. i’m so sorry. i don’t… most of the time i don’t feel insecure, but sometimes it comes out, and it takes this ugly shape that looks alien to me. i hope it looks alien to you too. i don’t want to be that way often enough for it to become familiar. tell me if it ever does. the idea alone makes me feel sick to my stomach. please text me at least. ok. dammit, i don’t want to hang up. i keep thinking you’ll pick up—”

[notitlesapply]

I wanted to show off some more WIP on my Codywan cross stitch (and also show off my new needle minder!), and grumble a little about some things I discovered about DMC floss...

So if you look closely at the bottom, the orange of Cody's pauldron is slightly off. So story time!

The pattern I made through FlossCross originally called for DMC 3835 (apparently called Pumpkin - Pale) for the orange, but I didn't have it in my stash, so I subbed in DMC 971 (Pumpkin).

Now here's the thing! I didn't find out until later that 971 was discontinued due to dye formulas becoming regulated. So I was hoping that I would have enough orange (spoiler alert, I did not 😞). Luckily I found that DMC 740 (Tangerine) is supposed to be a 1 to 1 match. As you can see...it is not. Now part of my perfectionist brain is like: pick out all the orange and FIX IT, but I've been chanting to myself "it's fine it's fine this is fine..." (Please validate me so I can cling to my sanity lol)

(On a related note, there is a small patch of the grayish white on Cody's helmet on the jawline that looks paler than the rest and I don't know why because that thread color didn't get changed, so all I can assume is the dye lot is a little wonky which is frustrating. I itch so hard to rip it out but again I convince myself to carry on and not cry.)

Anyway, moral of this story is that Cody is a pumpkin on top and a tangerine on the bottom, and this means something maybe lol 😂 (Fuck now when I read smut I'll think of top Cody as a pumpkin and bottom Cody as a tangerine...bad brain BAD!)

On to more happy stuff. I recently learned about needle minders so I got one. It's so cute! 🥰 I got it from DecorativeSewingPins on Etsy. It's very convenient and useful. It also itches the part of me that loves pins/buttons/charms.

I also found out you can make your own needle minders using charms, pins, or buttons. I'm debating if I should make a matching Codywan needle minder for this project to be extra but I'm not sure if I want to experiment on my existing pins or if I should get a duplicate pin (because one can never have enough Codywan merch.)

Also as always this cross stitch pattern is based off artwork by @amikoroyaiart so send some love that way!

[postmoderntongues]

Its hard when somebody very very close to you has done something unspeakable. There's grief. There's cherished memories and love that doesnt always just evaporate on the spot like you think it will. Even when you yourself are their victim sometimes part of you needs to keep the relationship going if only so you can segment a small fantasy world where your earth and entire sense of trust and reality wasn't shattered. I have a real good friend accused of some real heavy stuff atm and not the cool kind either the kind where if its true i hope somebody kills him and i haven't contacted him since finding out and will never look at him the same but i haven't blocked him and i wouldn't be unkind if he reached out to me because he was real with me when a lot of people weren't and showed me love and took me in and protected me in a lot of really bad situations i knew i was okay because the scariest person there loved me like only another CPTSD Cluster B can and hes done things that have completely changed HOW i saw him and there are certain boundaries ill always keep up to protect myself bc hes a bad guy but like honestly even if he does wind up getting locked up technically the Christian thing to do would be send him a letter or two a month and some good paperbacks like ive had friends and family who like got caught up in some BAD shit of all kinds my whole life I have guys whose weddings i was the flower girl in who are like i cannot stress this enough but literally what most people picture when they try to justify prison being substandard living situations and not just loss of free movement throughout the community and containment of people too dangerous to participate.

Especially when you are a trauma survivor, its tempting to process them facing justice as "their trauma" When you already know somebody had done a lot of really bad things and maybe some potentially soul-damning ones now and they've only ever been really good to you and even protected you from other people who would have committed damnable crimes of their own against you if he hadn't intervened its hard to just disown somebody no matter how bad the thing is you'd be surprised with where you think your line is compared to where it actually is if its there at all once real shit goes down with somebody you been through real shit with.

My evangelical-raised religious trauma/psychosis is telling me god is testing the strength of my belief in carrying out his commands in my personal life however i can and the strength of the capacity for love that I claim to possess. I don't think that's a feeling that secular people dont also experience in some way and just word differently as a trauma reaction to finding out somebody you loved and trusted did to somebody the worst thing that was ever done to you.

Tory deserves patience right now and space to heal and i hope she isn't bullied into making a statement before she is in a place to and has fully processed it but she deserves compassion and grace right now to cope and process this in her own time and we might not agree in political theory with every choice she makes under the intoxication of such intense grief from a political theory point of view but shes not a politician shes some lady who made really good art about her PTSD. You don't know until it is you and it feels different and the way you handle it is different every time. Sometimes psychological survival is more of a matter of coping adequately rather than responding correctly. Sometimes psychological survival looks selfish or includes a stage of denial or bargaining or misplaced anger/blame. Whatever Tory does, however she responds, give her grace. Immediate responses aren't permanent long term most of the time anyway.

Also people are already trying to bring Amanda Palmer down with him, she was a mentally ill woman in a marriage to a known abuser do you think she wasn't the one woman he didn't abuse when she was the one he had the most formal permission to? How many of even our own powerless zero-influence fathers managed that? Was she an accomplice/enabler or can we recognize that even among successful artists abused wives live in silence and terror. How many of our mothers lived like that? She wasn't Karla Homolka, she was a mentally ill woman who for all we know barely escaped without something horrible happening to her (if nothing horrible happened that we just dont know of which isnt impossible either). Fear can coerce somebody into silence about very big secrets, sometimes the worse the secret the scarier it is to think about doing anything but keeping it. Amanda Palmer is more than likely another of his victims, not some kind of art scene Myra Hindley.

god, the details in that new Nail Gaiman story are revolting. He is gross, he is a violent rapist, he is trash

trust me when I tell you that unless you have intensely morbid curiosity, you don't need to read it. It is stomach-churning in a very real way. But tbh I think he should probably drop dead.

I feel awful for his fans and the people in his life who thought he was a different kind of person. Tori Amos' recent interview on this made me so sad for her and others who felt like they knew someone only to realize they really, really didn't. I'm devastated for her who made neil her child's godparent,because no matter how close you think you are to someone and how well you think you know them and how long you've known them -- Billy Joel was spot on when he wrote "The Stranger" because EVERYONE has a Stranger that no one knows but themselves. You can never truly, truly know someone.

Amanda Palmer, though? Thoroughly unsurprised that she seemed to be at the very least complicit. She has always given off the most rancid of vibes.

[stripesysheaven]

started crying last night in bed but for once it was in a good way and not a bad way. things might be looking up for me

[bleaksqueak]

While i work I've been listening to an LP of the Telltale Walking Dead Games (the ones with clementine, I do not care about the others lmao). Ages ago when I played these I was well aware/amused that part of season 2 takes place in Parker's Crossroads/Parker's Run because I grew up right next to it and the detail stood out to me. But I never caught the line of "We'll head to parker's run. It's just up the road from here" until just right now. So I had a sort of "wait, where the fuck are they supposed to be right now?" (search)

ARE YOU SHITTING ME LMAO So by process of elimination, since it's the only city with anything even remotely resembling a large home supply store, that would mean they're in my literal hometown. My tiny hometown in the middle of nowhere that's never in anything that barely anyone knows of. How in the fuck lmao

[jamboreeartsupplies]

they're getting fitted for a new clownsuit !!!! not done yet but soon hopefully!

[im-smart-i-swear]

unable to let go

something something both of these fuckers have spent so long depending on each other that they cant function w/o the other guy despite Tashi's continously worsening mental state and unhealthy clinginess and Soup's desire to explore the world and meet new people...

like the thing about soup is that she had never really been a person who does well stuck in one place for too long, but also tashi is her brother. theyve been through hell and back together and she feels immense guilt for even considering having a life outside of their little family, and also she has NOT worked through her gladiator trauma AT ALL and has been just holding everything in and trying to be a perfect caring figure despite all the anger and frustration she experiences on a daily basis...

(tashi is dealing with that too, but hes never been as good as her at hiding it, and also he has the tendency to make this stuff everyones problem - thus sidelining soups problems by accident. i think soup is kind of what tashi desperately WANTS to be, in a way. on the outside shes the 'stoic selfless caregiver' and i think tashi is jealous of that, so much so that he sometimes forgets that soup is just as much a person with her own problems and desires and flaws as everyone else)

soup is frustrated by how shes been having to take more and more responsibilities as time goes on (bc of tashis Whole Thing and buddys fear of assuming any kind of leadership position) and a part of her loathes this life and she wants to leave. i think her and zoras relationship plays a big role in her feeling on the matter bc shes NOT part of the family, shes someone new and diffrent and thats enticing... also over the years soup had built up this calm easygoing persona that zora can see through, zora is very aware of soups violent past and she is not sfraid of it, giving soup a safe space to express those more negative feelings freely for the first time in YEARS

Its very hand in unlovable hand coded but they very much love each other still and thats kinda the problem

Also putting some notes on their younger selves here bc this feels relevant to how these two ended up

[skitskatdacat63]

Boy King Seb :D

[tortoisesshells]

if you were in control of a dark shadows adaption (or, hypothetically, could alter the original; whichever you find more interesting to think about!) what does your ideal version of 1795 look like? are there things you would change? things you’d want to keep?

Let me preface this by saying I do genuinely like or appreciate a lot of the 1795 arc! When it's at its best, it's a tragedy born out of hubris and the terrible things we'll do for the people we love (or the terrible things we'll do to hold on to love. or the problem of love without respect). I'm up to episode 741, and the confrontation between Joshua and Barnabas over the latter's coffin is still one of the best scenes in the show, for my money. That said; Broadly speaking, most of my problems with 1795 either have to do with characterization, or with historical context: that DS's unwillingness to delve into historical realities undercuts its ability to talk about monsters, and that it completely mishandles Vicki to the point of functionally ruining the nominal main character (who, to be fair, was already being pushed out).

Historical Context: DS loves the past, conceptually, but it really doesn't deal in historical conditions, and that's on full display in 1795 - witchcraft trials? zippers? claiming a house built in the early 20th century, with the attendant architectural style, was actually built in the years leading up to 1795? okay. I forgive that, because we do live, narratively, in a world with witches and vampires and curses and passenger rail service north of Portland, ME after 1965 - and in a make-believe world where the costumes are as good as a budget of a crisp single and a pb&j can make 'em. I say this mostly lovingly: DS simply is not the kind of show that cares about historical plausibility, let alone accuracy. Plus, Reverend Trask was great, and on the basis of giving Jerry Lacy scenery to chew on, the witchcraft trial plotline is excused.

More seriously and damningly, I do think it's a glaring omission on a show being made and aired in the late 1960s to have three characters said to be from the (fictional) wealthiest family of planters and enslavers on Martinique and have that go unexamined and unpacked, especially when commentary on class in Collinsport has been a constant undercurrent (sometimes more of an under-trickle, or under-vague-breeze) since episode one - and because Joshua Collins is very explicit about how beneficial the connection between the two families will be for the Collinses, who always need cargo for their ships. [Since David Ford's here, you'll forgive the reference to 1776: "Molasses to Rum" playing vaguely in the background] But that's the problem with Post-Barnabas DS. Since there's a Collins running around befanged and literally drinking the blood of others, the show's lost interest in discussing how, exactly, the Collinses became wealthy and powerful, beyond the odd occasional reference to the fishing fleet and cannery or, in 1795, the shipyards. We've got a real vampire, what do we need all that metaphorical monstrosity and class/race/gender analysis for?

As a choice the show's made, I think it fundamentally undercuts one of the show's most reliable and interesting points of commentary: how charming and human some monsters are, or that humanity and monstrosity are not entirely mutually exclusive conditions.

also speaking of monstrosity. the show excuses Barnabas for so much outright evil because he preys on sex workers, primarily, and other assorted poor men and women of Collinsport, who the show ... doesn't really see as people. but that's a separate but not unrelated rant.

Characterization: really, this is about Vicki. So much of what I dislike about 1795 has to do with Vicki's characterization changing for the worse (granted, I think this problem starts much earlier, but see digression a below) once she hits the ground in 1795, AND that the 1795 arc continuously insulates her from the important parts of DS's narrative. If the whole point of Vicki landing in the past was to explain how it all began (whether that's Barnabas's vampirism, or the opening of the great house at Collinwood - Sarah's ghostly goals are unclear here), she's party to neither: Vicki spends very little time in Collinwood, and is kept completely apart from even a hint of knowledge that Barnabas is a vampire. In effect: Vicki, as nominal main character, gets sent into the past, but not as a character - she's just a windowpane, or a magic mirror as far as her importance to the narrative goes. Which is unfortunate for her, because as a character taking up space, she's given screen-time without agency, intelligence, or inner life. The only change that being dragged by her puppet strings through 1795 effects in Vicki Winters is a rope-burn from a failed hanging, an infected gunshot wound, and a I-wish-he-were-more-permanently-dead rebound boyfriend whose response to Vicki panicking about being hanged was to slap her for being hysterical.

Forgive me for being unimpressed.

As far as fixing it goes - there's where I've been striking out. She's fatally passive in 1795 as written. Why doesn't Vicki try to figure out how to get back to her present? (and if she doesn't, perhaps ... gesture at why Vicki might feel like there's not a lot to return to in the present? She nearly jumped from Widows' Hill about 10 episodes before 1795 started.) Why does Vicki persist in making herself suspicious, when she was introduced as a character hampered more by inexperience than true ignorance? In the idea 1795 that lives in my head, why wouldn't Vicki try to figure out who the real witch was, because - given her experiences with the supernatural! - surely a witch might be any help in getting her out of the 18th century and back into the present? End of day, she needs a real plot which doesn't end with her in prison unconnected to the Collinses. Whether that's searching for an escape hatch back to the Swinging Sixties, or Sarah's ghost giving her clear instructions - some kind of a goal! - Vicki either shouldn't exist in 1795 (recycle Moltke as another Collins sibling? that would add a wrinkle to the question of Vicki's antecedents) or she has to be given something to do.

&, finally ...

Digression A: In fairness to the 1795 arc, I think the arc was only following a pattern of characterization and plot involvement that started with Barnabas's arrival: first, that Vicki initially wasn't really involved in the Barnabas plot because she was more involved with the Liz & Jason plot, and, unfortunately for Vicki, everyone still talks about Barnabas, where no one (alas for Patrick and Bennett!) talks up the blackmail thing; second, I think, that the one-two punch of the definitive end of the era of metaphorical monsters & the Burke recast meant that a lot of the dramatic tension that Vicki was carrying either got dismissed or dissipated. We're not playing Jane Eyre any more, we're doing Dracula: Vicki's relationship with Roger and David no longer bears any dramatic weight. We've completely sidelined the question of Vicki's origins, so whether or not Liz is her mother doesn't matter (and the revelation and dismissal of Liz's not-actually-monstrous conduct sort of defangs that relationship, too? oh, Liz isn't actually a murderer? so mother or not, there's no strain on her relationship with the conspicuously virtuous Vicki.). Burke's no longer threatening to burn down Collinsport for revenge, and all of his various relationships with the Collinses or Collinsport denizens have gotten abruptly normalized, so there's no tension to his relationship with Vicki any more: he's rich (don't ask where the money came from), he's in love with her, and now he's chummy with all her friends/stand-in family members. He doesn't even have conversations that are totally just about pens or guns with Roger, for god's sake. The show kicked out all the pillars Victoria Winters as a character had been built on, and it only gets worse after 1795. No wonder Moltke left.

[theartinmyheart]

🦋🦋🦋

[aberooski]

Me through the lense of ygo, especially GX, is really one of the most genuine versions of me. It might even be the most genuine by now. Thank you for allowing me to find a version of me that I can make sense of and know who she is and not have to stifle her or hide her from you.

Thank you for allowing her to exist.

[dragoninahumancostume]

My favorite part of being alive is that I've never felt welcome in any space except for that one year when I thought I was a non-binary bisexual asexual girl when I was 13 :)

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again

sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now

Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.

And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.

and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.

no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.

and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.

im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.

and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently

in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.

there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.

no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.

[seaofreverie]

The Me who bought tickets to see TMBG in february 2023 and the Me who's going to actually go to the show next month are two completely different people

[coridallasmultipass]

It took me, ugh, MONTHS (2), to get to cleaning the two shrimp tanks I have... I had IRL issues going on that would have made it extremely difficult to do a water change especially while injured, and I just had to keep putting it off. It's just shrimp, so it wasn't like, the worst situation, especially since I have established plants and the tanks are a couple years old. There was just a lot of algae build-up on the glass, and, well... Let me just say it was not contributing to my mental health and well-being while the tanks were in that state.

I tested the water before I started cleaning and the parameters were fine (like, I could have left the tanks even longer if I would be okay with selling my soul to the Algae Collective), and the plants and shrimp look fine, too (I mean, I've obviously been keeping an eye on the tanks bc I sit right next to them). Actually, I'd wager to say that the plants are looking really great (the lilies haven't died off [yet? This is the longest period of time I've seen them stay... foliage... fol... foliated? Idk.] and the cryptocoryne in the 10gal is fucking huge and needs to be rearranged, just not right now). That fucking algae was a motherfucker to get off the 10gal (it's a plastic tank and I think that makes the algae grip harder than the glass 5gal).

[Also, fyi, depending on the tank's needs and stability, recommended water changes are a small one every week or every other week. My parameters don't seem to do anything dramatic, so I usually aim for a 20-30% water change every third week (just depends on how much vacuuming needs to be done and how cooperative the shrimp are with moving aside). So 2 months is still a lot. I still did the normal 30% ish amount, since doing more will risk the shrimp's well-being if there's a sudden change in everything, and my water parameters indicated a change was unnecessary - but I don't test for more than the minimum freshwater tests, so there could be a buildup of some mineral I'm not testing for, which is why the change IS actually necessary regardless of what my test kit says - because these tanks were evaporating a lot in summer, it condenses the minerals added with each water addition, even tho I usually top up with R.O. water.]

My back is fucking killing me lol. It has been killing me since spring when it 'went out' for the first time, and I'm not getting any relief, it sucks. But this had to be done.

The 5gal is looking pretty cloudy still, since the filter was super gunked up and I accidentally spilled gunk back in, so I may need to retest the 5gal parameters tomorrow just to make sure I don't have to do another water change, but it'll probably be fine, right? Shrimp love mulm and detritus. I did give both tanks a big ole algae tab for their trouble, tho. (I need a fuckening dish for the big tank. I really wanna clean off that white quartz rock again, but being white means it's an algae magnet, and it's just gonna go green again after a month or two.)

Anyway, shrimp tax:

I lov thees widdle oange bebies.

Wish I could take better pictures rn, but I am. Like. Dying. My recommendation: never live in an A-frame style room if you have the option. The wall above my tanks is slanted, and NOT fun for my back to bend underneath the wall for maintenance. (My only flat wall in the room is for my TV/PC.) Also, treat your back nicely, in general. I unfortunately have not had the option to treat my back nicely since spring (fall now), because 'when it rains it pours,' and heavy shit that needs to be moved will not move itself. Once I get a few more things in my room in order, I will hopefully be done with the IRL chaos, bc I have Halloween socks to knit, and I'm not putting that off for another year. (I'm still mad that I couldn't make the ones I planned last year. And I found more Halloween yarn I forgot I bought, so I'm gonna try to make multiple socks.) And I just really need to fucking chill and knit and stop having panic attacks and meltdowns.